All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E11-eng

Now, I'm about to show you
some very sensitive information.

The final point totals
each of you achieved

for all your actions on Earth.

[ping] _

Whoa, your point total
was crazy high, Eleanor.

[laughs] Oh, sorry, "Crazy High Eleanor"

was my nickname in college.

I accidentally saw
these point totals when Michael

was fixing the sinkhole.
It gave me an idea.

We will apply the formula
to Eleanor's actions here

in the Good Place,
and if you earn enough

new points, then we could argue
that you should stay here.

- Would that work?
- Don't know,

never had to prove someone
belonged here before.

But the judge will be here soon, and
this is the best way to build our case.

Now, the average point total

for a resident here
is roughly 1.2 million.

Right now, based on everything
that you did on Earth,

you have -4,008.

That's not great,

but I'm gonna do nice things

for every goober in this place
until my point total is so high

I can rub it in all their smug faces.

- [beep]
- You just lost five points.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

_

Hello! Hi, how are you?

There has to be something
bigger I can do

than holding the door and waving.

There's no way every Walmart
greeter is in the Good Place.

Wal... mart?

It's a place regular people go.

- You haven't heard of it.
- Look, I know this is tedious,

but holding a door for someone
is three points,

and if you do it for everyone
in the neighborhood,

then that's almost a thousand
points for just a start.

Besides, all the big ticket items

are impossible, I'm afraid.
It's not as if you could,

you know, "sacrifice your life
to save others"

or "change the consciousness
of a nation."

Both of which I did, by the way.

Such fun.

Have a wonderful day.

This is pointless.

The ticker isn't even going up,

and everyone's giving me the stink eye.

Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Well, fork you too.

No, this is good.

Now that we know, we can
actually do something about it.

And I am an expert
at mediating conflict,

like when my friends
Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby

had an issue with my other
friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Yeah, I don't know what I love more

about our morning
hardboiled egg routine,

the eggs or the routine.

[laughs] Um, actually, this morning,

there's a little surprise in yours.

[gasps]

"I love you." How cute.

I love you too, egg.

Oh, no, no, Chidi,

that... that's me saying that to you.

I love you.

Ohh.

♪

Well, that is... something.

I know you've gone through a lot,

and now I'm throwing this
at you, but I just...

I had to tell you how I feel.

I love you. No need to respond.

- Great.
- Well, at some point,

you'll respond, right?

I just meant no rush.

You wanna talk about eggs again?

[laughs]

♪

Hmm, this isn't right.

I'm sorry,
I've never kissed anyone before.

Is one tongue okay?

I can add more tongues.

No, that's not it.

We're married now, but we still
haven't told your dad.

Once again, Michael is not my dad,

and we shouldn't tell him.

If Michael finds out that we're married,

then he'll know
you're not Tahani's soul mate,

and then he'll know that you're
really Jason and not Jianyu.

He'd send you to the Bad Place.

Mm, I don't want to lose you, girl.

- I'm not a girl.
- But also,

I'm tired of living a lie.
We gotta go public.

I hate all this hiding.

I want us to have the life we deserve.

[poignant music]

Pillboi, let's talk big picture.

You know I love Jacksonville.

J-town.

It's easily one of
the top ten swamp cities

in northeastern Florida,
but if we're gonna make it

in the DJ game, we gotta get to Miami.

Miami's expensive.

We just don't got that skrilla, B.

I mean, I got ten bucks to my name,

and I spent eight of it on this burrito,

and the other two on guac.

I know what we gotta do.

We're gonna rob this restaurant.

Great idea!

What if we get caught?

We'll just get married so that
no one can testify against us.

Dope.

Yo.

I got diarrhea. I'll be right back.

Me too. I'll race you.

[laughter] both: Best friends!

Thank you all for participating in

our focus group for Fake Eleanor.

Think of this as an open forum

for you to air any and all grievances

that you may carry against her.

I was flying on the second day,

and when you caused the trash storm,

I crashed into a rotting
turkey carcass, and it exploded.

- Oh, dear.
- All this

cartilage and bone
got tangled up in my hair,

and its skin was all over my skin.

I didn't know where I ended
and the turkey carcass began.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

your skin looks amazing.

My café got destroyed by the giant frog,

then I reopened it
and it fell into the sinkhole.

Just like me, I fell in too.

Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined

every moment of your existence
since you arrived?

Excellent. I must confer with Eleanor

for a tick, so please, just
enjoy the lemonade and cookies.

It seems everyone's
problem with me is me.

Yes, it would appear that way.

The last moment they were happy
was at my party.

We have to recreate that party.

We have to take them back
to that night before I started

affecting the neighborhood
and give them a fresh start.

Yes, of course.

We must throw the perfect party,

or else you'll be tortured
by demons forever.

This will be the fourth most
important party I have ever thrown.

Janet, there you are.

Some residents are complaining
that you're not responding...

I'm sorry, what's going on?

Is that a... a wedding ring?

Yes.

I'm married.

- To whom?
- Sorry, my protocol forbids me

from telling you any private information

about any resident.

Is it that person?

Jianyu, the man standing right there
also wearing a wedding band?

Dad...

we need to talk.

[tense music]

I just want to make sure
that I have this right.

Um... Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk,

but rather someone named Jason Mendoza,

a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.

I wasn't a failed DJ.

I was pre-successful.

And you two are married.

Hells yeah, homie. We love each other.

She makes the bass drop...

in my heart.

And Jason is a person who was near me,

and then he asked me to marry him,

and there is nothing in my protocol

that specifically barred
that from happening.

- So I agreed.
- Love you too, babe.

Janet.

Please tell me
how this could have happened.

Unclear. As you know,
each time I am updated,

I accrue new knowledge and abilities.

My suspicion is that
when I was rebooted,

I bonded with Jason in a way

that I have never bonded
with anyone before.

I seem to have gained
a new understanding of love.

I also learned how to do this.

I will speak to you later.

Go to your void.

- Okay.
- [beep]

- No, Janet, come back!
- [beep]

- Hi there.
- Go.

- Sure thing.
- [beep]

- No!
- Stop doing that.

- [beep]
- Me?

- Go!
- Good-bye.

- Janet, come back.
- I love you.

I love you too.

[quirky music]

That is Sachveer,

and his problem with me is...

Oh, one of the giraffes
tried to hump him.

[laughs] It's gonna be hard
to keep a straight face tonight.

Hey, can I ask your advice on something?

Are you sure, dude?

Isn't there someone else
better you could ask,

like literally anyone else?

Well, it's a sensitive matter,
and you... you do know me

pretty well. So here it is:

Real Eleanor said she loves me.

Hey, man, nice pull.
She's a great person.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, we are soul mates,
so I probably do love her,

but then again, how do I know
if my motivation is correct?

Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her,

but if I tell her that I love
her for the wrong reasons,

it won't mean anything.

You have a tendency
to over-think things.

Turn off that giant brain,
and just say you love her too.

- You think?
- If this were some

random person you hooked up with
at a Diamondbacks game

in the parking lot behind
the port-a-potties...

not based on a real example...
I would say keep mulling,

but this is your soul mate.

She's Universe-approved.

Tell her you love her.

[beep]

Hey, your score just went up 20 points.

Yeah, 'cause I give great advice.

Now maybe you'll finally listen to me
and take off those glasses.

We are in the afterlife, dummy,
nature's Lasik.

♪

Okay. I think I figured this out.

There is a real Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk

who took an oath of silence
at the age of eight.

But, three months ago,

he went into such
a deep meditative state

that he registered as dead,

and when you died at that
exact same moment,

our system mistook you for him.

Perhaps because you share
the exact same IQ.

- Cool.
- No, not cool.

He stopped learning at the age of seven.

Okay, so, now, this is
sort of a quick litmus test,

basic questions designed to tell
whether you were

fundamentally good or bad.

Number one: Did you ever commit
a serious crime?

Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat

after he sued me.

[ding] And...

I stole an old lady's fake leg
once on a dare.

[ding]

Did you ever have
a personalized license plate?

Yeah, dawg.

- "I LUV BUTTS".
- [ding]

Have... have you ever paid money
to hear music performed by

California funk rock band
the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Yo, the Chilis?

I saw them in concert like 50 times.

- [ding]
- I once got arrested

trying to steal Flea's bass guitar.

[ding]

Oh, that was another
serious crime I committed.

I should have mentioned that earlier.

- [beep]
- Is it just me,

or am I acing this test?

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this is so, so bad.

Oh, I thought I had
everything under control

when I found Eleanor,
but somehow you are...

you're so much worse.

No, don't... don't touch...

Oh...

How does that still work?

Everything's gonna be fine, homie.

I promise.

[light music]

I don't know, B.
What if it doesn't work?

Hey, we thought of everything
except for an alibi

and an escape route, but
we'll figure it out as we go.

You don't wanna over-think these things.

- I'm kinda freaking out here.
- Pillboi, I got you.

This plan is foolproof.

And when it's over,

we can finally have
the lives we deserve.

♪

DiGiorno!

I am a safe installer here

to install-a da safe.

So just a-point to where
the guacamole money is,

and I'll-a install-a da safe-a

in da, how you say, a-place?

[phone dialing]

Yeah, hi, we're being robbed.

♪

J, they're on to us, man.

His hat's a golf ball,

and he's a got a terrible mustache.

We need to get married now.

I do, for always and forever.

I do!

Eleanor, for an utter novice,
you have thrown a lovely party.

Well, thanks, but it's not working.

Not one more point.

What the fork?

Oh, look, Michael's here. He can help.

Michael, would you do us
the honor of saying a few words?

I don't know that
I'm in the right frame of mind.

Please, they'll listen to you.

Just pay me a few compliments.

You know, I'm great,
heart of a champion,

basically your muse, you get it.

[party chatter]

Attention, everyone.

Michael would like to say a few words.

Hello, everyone.
Good to see you all here,

mingling around with
your various secrets.

Who really knows which of you
are who you say you are?

No way to know unless I pull
your skeletons out, right?

Okay.

Take her easy.

Yes, well said.

Now, we shall hear from
tonight's featured guest.

She's kind, she's humble,

she's the Walmart of friends.

Did I use that word right?

Eleanor Shellstrop.

[sparse applause]

Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor.

Original flavor, not new and improved.

I know a lot of bad stuff
has happened because of me,

but I never meant to hurt you,

so if I caused you any harm,

I'm truly sorry.

That's nice, Eleanor,

but I still crashed into
a turkey carcass.

And I fell into a sinkhole.

And my dog got kicked into the sun.

What can you possibly say to us

that'll make up for your actions?

Pobody's nerfect?

[chuckles]

[chuckling spreads]

"Pobody's nerfect"? That's hilarious.

Like "nobody's perfect,"
but the letters switched.

- That's very funny.
- It's nerfect!

[all laughing]

[quirky music]

Eleanor, great job tonight.

Have you checked the, uh, the ticker?

I could really use some good news.

Okay. [exhales]

Gah, come on.

Well, the nightmare continues.

The nightmare continues.

How did this not work?

There's no way
to increase my point total

because everything I'm doing
is out of self-preservation.

- I don't understand.
- My motivation is corrupt.

Even when I do nice things,
I'm only doing them

so I can get something out of it,

the ability to stay here,

which means none of this
had any real moral value.

It doesn't count.

♪

Holy shirt.

I know what I have to do.

Okay, I am almost done
with these personalized

"I'm sorry" notes to everyone
in the neighborhood.

I need you guys to deliver
everyone their notes,

along with those T-shirts.

Well, granted, these are hilarious,

but how is this going to help?

Just trust me.

I'm gonna get the points.

[quirky music]

♪

Oh, good morning, Dad. Where you been?

Oh, just walking around,
contemplating my failure,

wishing for the sweet release
of eternal extinction.

Cool.

Hey, um...

why don't you want me to see Janet?

I'm a good guy.

All I want is to give Janet
the life she deserves.

Janet is not built for human life,

and I'm not sure
you're much of a provider.

Do you even remember how you died?

No, not really.

It's a little fuzzy.

You and your friend Pillboi
were trying to rob a restaurant.

Pillboi!

And then the cops showed up.

♪

So the plan was to pretend
to install a safe

with your friend hiding inside it.

He pops out, steals the money
from the restaurant,

gets back in the safe, then
you come in and uninstall it.

I refuse to discuss
my fifth amendment rights

until I concur with your attorney.

Sure.

Look, we found your buddy's plans.

We know he was the... brains.

You were just an accomplice.

If you're lucky,
you might get probation.

- Jason going to jail?
- No, man.

Jason's dead.
He suffocated in that safe.

There were no air holes.

Plus he did a bunch of whippits
while he was in there,

which couldn't have helped.

At least he died doing what he loved...

a bunch of whippits.

Now he's never gonna get
the life he truly deserved.

Eh, I think he got
roughly what he deserved.

I suffocated to death in... in a safe?

I'm a moron.

Hey... hey, Janet?

- [beep]
- Hi, there.

- Janet, you need to leave me.
- Why?

You're the smartest girl in the world...

- I'm not a girl.
- And your dad is an angel.

I mean, what a family.

I'm just a dope who died in a safe

with a snorkel...

who's only now realizing

why that didn't work.

You should be with someone better.

I don't deserve you.

Jason, you are all that I care about,

possibly because I did not
have the capacity to care

about anything before you.

I love you.

Also, interesting sidenote,

I think I might hate things now, too.

So far, it's genocide
and leggings as pants.

This is nuts.

Just weighing in over here.

This is bonkers.

Okay, I have to go reboot Janet.

- Why?
- It's the only thing

I can think of to do
to get rid of this glitch.

Yo, who you calling a glitch?

It means "error," Jason,
which is what this is.

Oh, really? Is it an error

to act unpredictably and behave in ways

that run counter to how you were

programmed to behave?

Yes.

Now, you two sit tight.

I'm gonna go murder Janet,
and I'll be right back.

Look on the bright side.

When you're rebooted,

I can teach you
all the Dorito flavors again.

No. I'm not starting over.

What if he reboots me,
and we fall out of love?

We have to get out of here right now.

♪

Where do you suppose she is?

I hope she's okay.

You know, the more I work on her case,

the more I think she truly belongs here.

I'm... I'm sorry that
I haven't been able to say...

what you want me to say,

because I-I do want to say it.

What's holding you back?

Honestly, my biggest fear
is just making sure

that my motivation for saying it...

Chidi?

♪

- Wow.
- How did she suddenly...?

Her motivation changed.

She couldn't earn enough points
by apologizing to everyone here

because she was only doing it to
earn enough points to stay here.

But she did earn enough points,

which means that
she's decided not to stay here,

- which means...
- That she's leaving.

[tense music]

Oh, hey, Janet.
I was just about to call you

to ask you to get me
a train to the Bad Place.

- Whoa, what?
- You have to be a good person

to stay here, and I can't become
a good person unless I leave.

You don't belong here,

Jason doesn't belong here,

and now that I can think and feel,
I don't belong here either.

- Where are you going with this?
- There is a woman named Mindy St. Clair

who lives in a neutral zone by herself.

It's neither a Good Place
nor a Bad Place.

A Medium Place?

Dude, that's where I belong.

I've been saying that since day one.

It's where Jason and I are going.

Would you like to come
with us to Mindy's house?

Yeah. Let's go hang with Mindy.

That sounds great. Love her, huge fan.

Call the train.

Look, there it is now.

[brakes squealing]

I did not call that train.

That train belongs to Shawn,

the judge, who's coming here
to judge you.

Can you make that train
go to Mindy's house?

- Yep.
- Then we have to go right now.

I just have to run home
real quick and hit save

on the Madden game I was playing
because Blake Bortles

has, like, 300 yards passing
in the first half...

[hissing]

[tense music]

♪

Shawn. Ooh.

- Michael.
- Sorry I wasn't here

to greet you. I, uh, had something

I needed to tend to,
but it can wait, it can wait.

[beeping]

Okay, I've hacked into the mainframe.

- [sighs]
- Kidding.

[laughs]
I can't hack into the mainframe.

Technically, I am the mainframe.

Would you just hurry up?

I'm here to rule on the fate
of Fake Eleanor Shellstrop.

Yes, yes, um, I think we have a
rock solid case for Fake Eleanor.

I truly believe she's a good person.

- [train chugging]
- Are you sure?

Because I believe
she's stealing my train.

I'm sorry, Michael.

Sorry, everyone.

[quirky music]

♪

Well...

not great for my case.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com