All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E06-eng

What are you doing?

Dude, I'm freaked out
about my meeting with Michael,

and if I spend one more second
staring at creepo the clown,

I'm gonna lose it.

You named the clowns?

Psycho, creepo, crazy head,
stupid juggling weirdo,

freaky feet,
and nightmare George Washington.

One of them has to go.

Oh, sexy mailman.
Much better.

In five minutes, Michael wants
my help investigating

what's making
the neighborhood go nuts,

which is obviously me.

I mean, I did promise
I would help.

What do I do here?

Actually, the answer is...

Right here in this easily
understandable comic strip.

Nope, in this book about
the theory of contractualism.

"What we owe to each other."

I saw this movie.

Laura Linney
cries in a lake house

because Jude Law left her
for his ex-wife's ghost.

No.

Quick summary of contractualism.

Uh, imagine a group
of reasonable people

are coming up with the rules
for a new society.

Like if your Uber driver
talks to you,

the ride should be free?

Sure, but anyone can veto any
rule that they think is unfair.

So if you said, "we should
be able to break our promises"

without any repercussions,"
someone would veto that rule.

Well, my first rule would be
that no one can veto my rules.

Well, that's called tyranny.

And it's generally frowned upon.

If you make a promise
to someone, you should do it.

Just like I promised
to help you and still am,

despite your constant mockery.

"Despite your
constant mockery."

Whatever, you love it.

So either I help him find
the problem, which is me,

and I'm doomed,

or I don't help him,
and then I'm

behaving unethically
and the whole world goes crazy

and I'm caught anyway.

I need to figure out
a way both help him

and not help him
at the same time.

That's literally not possible.

Oh, really?

I once posed as a hot
prom date for my cousin,

both helping him and later,
according to his therapist,

not helping him.

Oh, hey, Eleanor,
thanks for coming in.

Sorry about the mess.

Oh, I forgot, you don't see
in nine dimensions.

There's just a lot of...
there's a lot of tension

in the air right now.

Are you okay, buddy?

You seem kind of stressed.
No, no, no, I'm fine.

Top of my game, actually.

Uh, here, let me just, uh...

have a seat.

There you go.

So to prepare
to meet all of you,

I studied the human
concept of friends.

I even watched all ten seasons
of the show "friends."

Boy, those friends really were
"friends," weren't they?

Although... and I realize this
is the kind of observation

that would only occur to the
mind of an eternal being...

how did they afford
that apartment?

A waitress and a chef with those
Manhattan real estate prices.

Yeah, we were all confused
about that too.

Anyway, it's been a tough
couple of days.

Right now,
I could really use a friend

by my side.

Well, you know me.

The person who has audibly
promised to help you.

So you need to me house-sit
the whole week?

Sounds like somebody's gonna
have a sweet vay-cay.

As I told you before,
my mom is very sick.

I'm gonna help her move
into assisted living.

Well, I'm here for you.

And your Wi-Fi is way better
than my neighbor's, so I'm in.

It's gonna mean
taking care of Lester too.

Walk and feed him twice a day.

Give him his kidney medicine.

Yup, got it...
feed his kidneys.

Eleanor?
Yeah?

This is gonna be
a very stressful week for me.

I need to know
that I can count on you.

I won't let you down.

I promise.

Jianyu, my love.

How are you?

I am decidedly so.
That's very profound.

Um, soul mate...

An idea.

Our neighborhood
now features a spa,

and it offers couples packages.

And I thought maybe
we could get facials

and do yoga and talk

in long, discursive sentences.

What do you say?

Signs point to yes.
Oh!

Marvelous.
We'll go today.

Dude, you got to come
with us to the spa.

No way.

No, that's really weird.

You can't make small talk
with her for one day

without being caught?

No, I can't,
and she freaks me out.

She's so pretty, like Nala
from "the lion king."

And she talks
so smart, like, um...

Nala from "the lion king."

You got to help me.

Well, if I feel
sympathy for anyone,

it's Tahani.

She's going through
the same thing I am,

but she doesn't know it.

Which means maybe
I'm obligated to tell her.

Although maybe it's
better not to know.

Is ignorance bliss,
or will the painful truth

actually be healing...

you ready, Jianyu?

Oh, I cannot wait to just relax
and talk and chat

and just, you know...

Get to know each other.

Hey!

Maybe I'll come too.

Oh.

Well, Chidi...

It's just that this is, um...

this is really more
of a couples thing.

I know.

But Eleanor's off with Michael,

and Jianyu feels comfortable
when I'm around.

Right?

Made in Taiwan.
Yes, you were.

You were made in Taiwan.

So...

Couples date!

Let's go!

I never really looked around
your office the first day.

What is all this junk?

Well, technically,
architects aren't allowed

to own any human objects, but...

Oh, I just love them so much.

And over here, look at this.

Aren't paper clips the most
amazing things in the world?

Yeah.
Sure.

Anyway, my current theory
is that some object

in the neighborhood
is a design flaw

which is causing everything
to go haywire.

So we need to find that object.

We're gonna start
with the rocks.

Now, I've investigated
all of the rocks

in the neighborhood.

These 78 are
the most suspicious.

Maybe to an architect,
they might look suspicious,

but to me, they just
look like rocks,

so I'm not sure how I can help.

Do any of them look defective?

Sinister?

You know,
like they're taunting you?

Always one step ahead?

You devious
little monsters, you.

Okay, let's take
a deep breath here, buddy.

You need to chill a little.

'Cause you have a very psycho,

"burnout guy
muttering to himself

at a library computer"
type vibe.

It's my responsibility
to solve the problem.

What else can I do

except keep working?

You could stop working.

Look, I promised to help you,

and honestly,
the way I can help you

is to force you to take a break.

And not working
will help me work?

Yes!

Recharge the old batteries.

I promise this is
gonna help both of us.

Let's go.

Okay.

Let's keep our eyes peeled
for twigs that may have

a nefarious agenda.

Okay, crazy, come on.
Yeah.

Hello, Janet.

Jianyu and I are here for
the couples package, please.

And also I will be joining them.

Great, and who is the other
half of your couple?

Oh, no, no, it's just me.

Couples are pairs of people.

Yup, and, uh, there is
a pair of people,

Tahani and Jianyu.

And then also I am here.

Great, and who
will be joining you?

No one.

Um, it's really
quite simple, Janet.

They are a couple,
and I am a third part

of that couple.

Uh, a helper part
who is here for fun

and excitement.

It's a three-person couple.

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

I'm just kidding.

I mean, it doesn't compute,

but I'm not gonna
explode or anything.

Right.

Well, I'll see you
inside, darling.

Okay, you have to step up.

Find a way to connect
with her without,

you know, being you.

What does that even mean?

Do I talk or not talk?

Do I be nice to Tahani,
or do I throw

all her jewelry in the toilet?

That's the opposite
of being nice?

So no toilet?

What is it with you
and frozen yogurt?

Have you not heard of ice cream?

Oh, sure, but I've come
to really like frozen yogurt.

There's something so human
about taking something great

and ruining it a little
so you can have more of it.

That is very human.

Why do you need a human
to be your assistant?

I mean, aren't there more of...

Whatever you are?

Well, since we're
becoming friends,

like Ross and Phoebe...

Weird combo to pick, but okay.

I'm gonna tell you a secret.

Usually, architects don't live
in their neighborhoods.

Usually, the people show up,
we play the movie,

Janet is there
to answer questions,

and you're on your own.

But I had this theory.

I thought transition
would be easier

if the architect were on-site

for at least the first
1,000 years or so.

That's why you've been
so freaked out.

'Cause your butt is on the line.

My boss thought I was nuts.

And if this neighborhood
doesn't work,

I am in big trouble.

But more importantly,
I promised all of you

that you would be safe
and happy.

And you just don't
break a promise.

Unlike Ross when he promised
Emily not to talk to Rachel.

Wow, you are really
into that show.

You know something?

I feel better already.

Should we get back to work?

Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.

The whole point is to stop
thinking about work

and start having fun.

Now, what should we do first?

Whoo!

This is so interesting!

I mean, there's no point to it.

The images on the screen
relate to nothing.

Some time passed,
and then it was over.

That's karaoke!

Oh, let's do it again.

Okay, my hands are heated
to the ideal 105 degrees.

Who would like to go first?

Oh, well what if I go first,

and then perhaps Jianyu
could stand near me

and share some intimate
aspects of his life?

Or what if...

While Janet messages Tahani,

I massage Jianyu?

Jianyu, darling,
let's discuss the arts.

I adore the impressionists.

Who's your favorite artist?

I mean,
pitbull changed the game...

sorry, just working the
oft-neglected mandible area.

Oh, man!

I didn't even want that thing.

Why am I trying to win it?

Because the machine
says it's a prize.

Oh!
Boom!

How many tickets do I get?
Six?

Is that all?
Well, watch this.

Is that allowed?
Not really.

But it is a time-honored
tradition.

Say no more.
I got it. I got it.

Whoo!
Whoo!

You know something?

As much as I've always wanted
to be around humans,

I think I've missed a big part
of what makes them wonderful.

Sometimes all you guys
think about

is how you can have
the most fun.

Exactly!

That was practically my mantra.

What's up, dong bait?

Drop everything you're doing.

Rihanna is performing in Vegas.

I got tickets.
We are road-tripping.

Oh, I can't!

I promised I'd house-sit
one more day,

and I have to feed
this stupid dog.

I'm sorry, does this dog
smoke blunts topless

on a yacht like a boss?

'Cause that's how ri-ri do.
That's a very good point.

This is floor seats
in Vegas for Rihanna.

The booze is free there.

Do I really need to keep going?

Okay, this is dinner tonight,
breakfast tomorrow...

I have an idea.

This is in case of emergency.

Do not eat this
unless it's an emergency.

Wow.

I'm ready to be a mom.

I'm having trouble
getting this mask to stick.

Yes, it's 'cause my pores
are just so small.

There's no way anything
could ever adhere to my skin.

It's a curse, really.

Jianyu?

What are your pores like?

Janet, can you show me
to the sauna, please?

Dude, she's trying so hard,

and you're giving her nothing!

Just pick a fact
that you know about her

and just muddle through.

She said she likes
impressionist paintings.

Impressionist paintings?

Okay, say no more.

No, no, no, I definitely
feel like I need to say more.

Jia...

so would you say
I helped you today?

Oh, so much.

I had fun, I didn't think
about my problems,

and I won this
ugly yellow toddler,

which is one of the most
beautiful things I've ever seen.

Thank you so much.

All right, I'll see you
tomorrow, friend.

You sure this is where
you want to be right now?

At the tea for two couples cafe?

There's no use
avoiding it, Chidi.

I'm alone.

Jianyu and I have
nothing in common.

I just want a soul mate.

Someone I can
share my passions with,

someone who I can talk to about
the ethereal colors of a degas.

I love degas.

I took painting lessons
as a kid,

and degas was always
my inspiration.

And do you like France
as much as I do?

Well, they enslaved
my country for 300 years.

So no.

But they have great museums.
Yes.

Welcome to my cafe, you two.

We have a special
on soul mate muffins.

Two for the price of zero.

Everything is free.

Oh, uh, we're not soul mates.

No.
We're just, uh...

Soul friends.
Oh.

Hey, buddy.

I have all new fun stuff
for us to do today.

Eleanor, I have huge news.

Not working actually worked.

It did what now?

After our day off,

with a completely clear head,

I realized part of what
makes humans so fun

is that they're unpredictable.

The chaos we've been
experiencing

is exactly what would happen
if a resident

behaved unpredictably.

The problem in
our neighborhood...

it's not a rock or an object.

It's one of the people.

Oh!

We need to celebrate!

I know, okay...

Paper clip shower!

So do you think
we're looking for a man,

or do you think
we're looking for two men?

Not sure.

We don't know anything
about this person.

I mean, does he or she even know

that they caused
all these problems?

No, that can't be.

I mean, what kind of monster
would wreak havoc

and then say nothing?

So this is the main place
where the garbage

fell from the sky.

Janet.
Hi there.

I need a list of everyone
that was here on garbage duty

during orientation.

Oh.

Eleanor, our criminal
is on this very short list.

People were flying that day too.

I'll add everybody
who flew overhead.

Ugh.

Eleanor, our criminal
is on this much longer list.

Oh, hey, homey.

Thanks for your advice.

I'm about to give Tahani
the best gift ever.

Check it.

What?

She likes impressionist
paintings, right?

I got her a painting of the best
impressionist of all time,

Frank Caliendo.

He can do it all... fat Al Pacino,
fat Jerry Seinfeld,

regular John Madden.

"Say hello
to my little friend."

"Forget about it."

This is where the sinkhole
opened up.

And the guest list that night
was limited.

There were a total
of 30 people here that night.

Only 30, huh?

How do you
pump your fists again?

Is this it?

But 66 others passed through
to take a look before it opened,

and everyone else
in the neighborhood

was in a close radius.

Oh, boy, that... Doesn't
narrow it down at all.

Feels like the end of the road.

"End of the road,"
Boyz II Men, karaoke.

Let's go... don't think
about it too much.

Janet.

My hoodie, please.

What's happening?
I give up.

I can't help the people
I promised that I would help.

I feel like "friends"
in season eight,

out of ideas and forcing
Joey and Rachel together,

even though it made no sense.

I hope the sinkhole opens up
again and swallows me whole.

Paula!

Hey, girl.

How's the dog?

Still fat, Eleanor.

Still fat.

The vet says his stomach
expanded to the size

of a basketball
and that it will never shrink.

Oh, well, that's not my fault.

How was I supposed to know
he would literally eat

all of the food?

It shouldn't have been an issue.

You were supposed to be there,

but you broke your promise

as soon as it wasn't
convenient for you,

and now I have
a very bulbous dog.

Well, you know what?

You're rude.

'Cause you didn't even ask me
how the Rihanna concert was.

She was very late.

And a little drunk.

I promised to help you,
and I will,

however I can.

If you want to look at a million
rocks like a psychopath,

I'll be there.

If you want to just lay here
and cry in your hoodie,

I'm cool with that.

Honestly, I don't know
how I can help you,

'cause I'm just a person
and you're, like,

this super magical
Orville Redenbacher type guy

who invented
this entire universe,

but I'll do my best.

I'm right here.

Oh, my gosh.

Of course.

How did I not see it?

Janet...

I found the answer
to the problem.

Call a neighborhood meeting.

Should it be festive and casual

or moribund and devastating?

Moribund and devastating,
please.

Great!

Hello, Jianyu, Chidi.

What's this?

I made you a art.

It's three of me.

It's ballerinas,

painted in the style
of the impressionists.

Of course.

You don't say things,
but you do things.

And you feel things.

Only my true soul mate
could ever give me

such a perfect gift.

Thank you.

What's going on?

Well, I did what you said.

I honored my agreement
to help Michael

find the problem,
and he found the problem.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

After I'm gone, take down the
rest of those clown paintings.

But leave up the sexy mailman.

To remember me by.

Thank you all for your
patience with the problems

in our neighborhood.

I have finally
discovered the cause.

There was one common link
among every incident.

And when I figured it out,
it was a shock.

But there's no escaping it.

The problem...

Is me.

And now...

I have to leave you...

Forever.