All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E05-eng

Good afternoon, Eleanor.
What can I get you today?

Whoa. Lot of new flavors.

Michael felt bad about the sinkhole,

so he wanted to
give you all a little treat.

I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."

Whoa.

It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone

was fully charged.

Oh, I'm so relaxed.

But they all look good.

This might take me a while.

You know what, Gunnar, uh,
why don't you go ahead?

- Thanks so much, Eleanor.
- Mm-hmm.

- What can I get you, Gunnar?
- Hi, Janet.

- Can I have some Folded Laundry?
- Coming up.

Chidi!

You'll never believe it.

I was at the frozen yogurt place

and I didn't know what I wanted,

so I turned to the guy behind
me, and I was like,

"Why don't you go ahead?"

Just like that!
"Why don't you go ahead?"

O-okay?

Dude, you don't understand!

I never did stuff like that
when I was on Earth.

But now, thanks to your
"good person" lessons,

I didn't hold up the line.

I didn't even try a dozen
samples I didn't want

just to spite some jerk who told
me I was holding up the line.

You do that?

No, Chidi, I used to do that.

Now I do selfless things without
even thinking about it.

That's great.

I-I'm proud of you.

So where's our yogurt?

Ugh. I forgot it.

Oh... Can you go?

I don't want to go all the way back.

I ran all the way here
and it was so hot.

I mean, I will happily get it,
because I told you I would.

Good person.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

_

So, to sum up:

Utilitarianism posits
that the correct choice

is the one that causes
the most good or pleasure,

and the least pain and suffering.

I like this one. It's simple.

Ugh, screw all the other
complicated theories,

why didn't you start with this one?

Ah, but here's the problem.

If all that matters is the
sum total of "goodness,"

then you can justify
any number of bad actions,

like torturing one innocent
person to save a hundred,

or preemptive war...

Oh, dip, I get it.

It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?

She was a black market alligator
dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Um, okay, what?

Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy, Donkey Doug

and make him move to Sarasota.

It would've broken up
my whole break dancing crew

and Donkey Doug
was our best pop-and-locker.

So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards

in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

I framed one innocent gator dealer

to save a 60-person dance crew.

Shockingly, that is a relevant example

of the Utilitarian dilemma.

- Well done.
- Thanks!

Um...

- Uh, yes, Jianyu?
- Can I be excused?

Tahani's doing a brunch party
and I want to get there

before all the mini-waffles run out.

- Go ahead, man.
- Yes!

So, you want to roll
right into another lesson?

I am revved up to learn, man.

My brain is horny!

Um, can we take a little break?

I've been standing at this
chalkboard all day.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

Oh, you could, um,
grade my paper I wrote

on the concept of Dharma.

Six pages, and I didn't even
do that thing

where I try to make it longer by
starting every sentence with

"Interestingly..."

Sure, I'll do that and, uh...

we can start another lesson.

Ah, Tahani.

I've been working on my Western
Hemisphere brunch banter.

Tell me what you think.

That "New Yorker" article was crazy.

You haven't seen "Hamilton"?

Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

- Very well done, Michael.
- Hi, there!

We have a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry,

what is a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

It's nothing, it's a tiny
little inconvenience.

Tahani, dear, could you show us
to a private room

where no one can see
or hear us, even if I yell

very loudly out of fear?

It appears that the sinkhole
is not repairing itself.

This is very bad, Janet.

We have to go into the
sinkhole and fix it by hand.

Get the tools.

Sorry, can I be of any service?

- Ah, Tahani.
- _

Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no.

We're just having a slight problem

with the enormous sinkhole.

Yes, I meant to tell you...

I walked past it last night and I...

I actually saw it
get a little bit bigger.

It got bigger?

Ah, well, that's... that's so normal.

Um, this is the reaction
I have when things

are incredibly mundane and expected.

I'm gonna leave now...

at my regular pace,

as I do in most scenarios.

Finally!

Let's get back to it.

Whip out that chalkboard,
big boy, show me

what you're working with.

Actually, I was going to head
into town and pick up some...

blankets.

Great, I'll grab my sweater.

I can practice letting people
cut in front of me.

You know, uh, I just realized

that I have blankets,
so I'm going to take a nap

using the several blankets
that I already have.

Good night.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

What's wrong? Out with it.

I'm just tired, need a break.
No big deal.

The way you're talking to me right now?

"Everything's cool, no big
deal"... I know that move.

When I told a boyfriend
something was "no big deal,"

it meant anything from "I just
bought weed from your nephew,"

to "I secretly befriended your
ex-girlfriend last year,

things got out of hand,
and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Wow.

Okay, well, in this case,
it really is no big deal.

Dude, you're hiding something!

- What's wrong?
- Nothing!

What... is...

wrong?

_

Jianyu second.

Oh, well done, my love.

So where am I?

Eleanor... 6th?

Come on.

Oh, no.

I'm second to last.

Mummy, I made you this.

It's the pretty bird
we saw in the garden.

Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.

I made a bird, as well.

I worked in a reflective alloy,
holding up a mirror to mankind

and its mistreatment of these
defenseless animals.

Excellent, Kamilah.

I sense the influence of
Brancusi and Kapoor.

It seems you're moving out of
your structural period,

and more into conceptual abstraction.

Good eye, Mother.

I grew tired of
objective representation.

I trust my audience.

My birdie has a hat.

Yes, well done, Tahani.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

- Would you stop doing that?
- What's wrong?

- Okay, fine!
- What's wrong?

You want to know what's wrong?

You are a full-time job.

I wake up, there's Eleanor.

I spend all day teaching Eleanor.

And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor."

Oh, this is a nice dream,
my grandma's here.

Wait, she's got Eleanor's face!

And tentacles for some reason.

I thought you liked teaching me.

So now I'm just
some huge burden for you?

Yes!

Of course you are!

I am in paradise!

I should be doing paradise things,

like rowing out on a lake
with a good bottle of wine,

reading French poetry.

That's your idea of paradise?

You know, and I can't stop helping you,

because then I am
shirking my ethical duty.

It's an impossible position!

You know what, if you're so
stressed from writing

on a chalkboard,
why don't you just leave?

We can pretend to be
soul mates in public,

but other than that, we don't
have to see each other!

Fine with me! I'll move out right now.

Fine!

Good afternoon.

As you all may remember,
a sinkhole recently

opened up in the town center.

The situation, sadly, has worsened.

Starting right now,
no one may go outside

under any circumstances.

Leaving your homes could result
in catastrophic damage,

to you and to the very fabric
of the universe.

Okay, bye.

Or we could both just stay here.

We hope you enjoy your
eternal stay in the Good Place.

Take advantage of our day spa,
or Janet...

a magical assistant who can get
you whatever you want.

You mind turning that off?

It's been playing
on a loop for two days.

The whole Neighborhood is offline.

We only get the welcome channel.

I would love to not watch TV,

but you canceled school.

What have you done to me, you monster?

Look at all these dishes piling up.

I used to just throw them in the sink,

and they'd be magically
cleaned by morning.

I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

Oh.

Then what's up with these bad boys?

You are unbelievable.

Are you still upset?

- You're not over it yet?
- How can I be over it?

We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like you've
had a really nice "vacation"

from your "full-time job."

Get your story straight, bro!

Hey, guys, it's Michael.

Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise.

Oh, I'd love to make small
talk... I've been practicing, too.

I'm amazing at it... but I'm in
a bit of a rush here.

This is Bart and Nina.

They live right next door
to the, uh, sinkhole,

so they obviously need a place to stay.

I was wondering, as my
assistant, maybe you could

put them up for a while?

Oh, of course.

Don't... don't think twice.

Okay, shouldn't take long.

Between an hour and, um...

11 months.

Somewhere in there. Okay, bye.

Don't go outside.

Ha...

Hello, everyone,
and welcome to day three

of our brunch siege.

I stayed up all night to plan
a full day of fun activities.

Just check the schedule I made.

Tahani, you are truly the best.

Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, Henriette?

Still second to last.

Tahani!

This auction threatens to be
an embarrassing failure.

5.2 million isn't bad.

It's very "middle-thermometer."

Your public failure
is our public failure.

You know what has to be done.

I'm very pleased to announce
that there has been

an addition to today's docket.

I'm sure you all know
my sister, Kamilah.

Yes. Kamilah.

Kamilah, of course,
is the youngest person ever

to graduate from Oxford University,

she's a world-class painter,
social activist, iconoclast,

Olympic gold medalist for archery,

a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary

on her Grammy Award-winning album,

and the person voted
"Most Likely to be Banksy."

So without further ado,

take it away from me!

Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.

I am auctioning off
a lunch date with me.

The bidding shall commence
at £3 million.

5 million!

Thank you guys so much.

- Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh, bah.

Oh, well, if you want to know the truth,

we asked Michael
if we could stay with you.

We are obsessed with your relationship.

Always whispering, locking
yourself in the house all day.

I thought I was an expert in
true love 'cause of my old job,

but I have a lot to learn from you guys.

Your job? What was your job?

I was a marriage counselor.

You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships.

And I did!

It's called, "How to Spot
Problems in a Marriage

From 100 Miles Away."

Oh, cool.

- Really cool.
- Cool.

- Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.

And what about you, Bart?

Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly
as interesting.

I started a company that
investigated identity theft.

Analyzing body language,
tracking and catching people

pretending to be someone they're not.

It's... pssh, snooze, am I right?

They're gonna catch us!

This is an extremely
precarious situation!

I am vexed, Eleanor!

A marriage counselor
and a human lie detector

isn't my first choice
for company, either.

But they have no reason to suspect us!

Plus, I think they may have
actually just come here

to, you know, swing.

I say we do it.

It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.

No, I am not going to
have sex with someone

to get them to stop talking to me!

Really? You and I are very different.

Yeah, I noticed!

You know what, man?

I have spent every second in this place

worried I was gonna get caught,

but if we go down right now,

that's on you, okay?

Oh, you spend all your time teaching a

charming, awesome lady?

How sad for you. Face it, dude.

I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Because guess what, Chidi?

- Ya basic!
- Eleanor...

Yeah, I know, you want to do
that thing where we're

arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like,

"Whoa, this is hot,"
and we start making out.

Dream on!

Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

No, Eleanor, look.

So how much of that did you hear?

We couldn't hear you,
but I'm an expert in

non-verbal communication,
and it is clear...

you are in conflict.

We're not judging you.

This has been a tough couple of weeks.

I'm sure the stress of the
sinkhole has caused

lots of soul mate squabbles.

Yes, that's what it is.

A squabble.

- We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble!

I can help.

I'm gonna take your relationship
and put it under a microscope

and dig and poke and prod

until you are back to soul mate harmony.

Eleanor, why don't you...

She never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.

We just have different interests.

I like relaxing, he likes
getting on my case

about the dishes.

I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.

I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.

- You are hiding something.
- What on earth would I be...

No, no, no, not you.

Him.

Please go back inside.

It isn't safe to be out of your home.

Please go back inside.

Janet, could you see what's wrong?

Everything.

Ugh.

My goodness!

It's even worse than I thought.

Tahani, what're you doing here?

Well, everyone else might be
okay staying inside,

but I wanted to help.

So I've brought some cheer
and sustenance

to raise your spirits.

Look, I made donut holes.

Do you get it? "Donut holes"?

Sinkhole.

- Funny, no?
- No, too soon.

By exactly nine days.

Tahani, this sinkhole
is incredibly dangerous.

If a human gets too close to it,

there could be disastrous side effects.

What's... what's happening to me?

Oh, that's one of the side effects.

Janet, knock her out
while we still have time.

Knock me out? What does that...

Boop.

Guys, really, it's no big deal.

"It's not a big deal"
is nearly always code

for "something is wrong."

Boom! That's what I said.

I should've been a marriage counselor.

Okay, Chidi, out with it.

What is so unsatisfying about
your soul mate relationship?

Be honest, Chidi.

Be, like, the exact
right amount of honest

so that we can both be happy.

I never had a soul mate on earth.

I-I never even really had

a girlfriend that I "loved."

And when I got here,
and Michael said I would

finally meet my actual soul mate,

I was so excited.

And it isn't...

exactly... what I thought.

You've never had
an intense relationship before.

This is all uncharted territory.

No wonder you're so tense.

You know, Nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.

Uh, not erotic massage.

Although, it can be, and it
often leads there, anyway...

Okay, well, you know what?

You guys have given us
so much to think about.

And I think we should go to bed.

Just the two of us, alone. Just us.

I know it's not
the right time, but I told you.

Tahani, wake up, dear.

Michael.

Did it work?

Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?

No, you did something
catastrophically stupid

and we had to knock you unconscious.

Why in the world did you go outside?

Because I saw the rankings
in the manual.

That manual is only meant to be seen by

Architects and Janets.

It's got some very sensitive material.

Plus some song lyrics
I've been working on,

and I'd rather not let people see those

until they're finished.

Anyway, why did seeing the
rankings unravel you so?

I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.

Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.

"To Kamilah, we have left £68 million,

"the home in Kensington, the yacht,

and other assorted weekend boats."

Well, what did they leave
their second favorite child?

There's still quite a lot of money

and property that goes to you.

There is one issue, however.

They have, um, spelled your
name incorrectly in the will.

You've got to be kidding me.

It says, "We bequeath the rest
of our estate to Tahini."

Like the sauce.

You know what?

I don't want the money.

My sister can have it all.

My whole life,
I have lived in your shadow,

but now I'm going to step out of it.

I am going to reach heights of
success and sophistication

that you can only dream of.

Your cardigan's on inside out.

I know!

It's a new trend that I am starting.

Just one example of how I'm going to

step out of your shadow.

Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at
the rankings, Michael.

But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.

My entire life, I have tried
to be extraordinary,

but it just never seemed to be enough.

Ah.

And you thought you could
increase your ranking

by helping us fix the sinkhole.

Tahani, the point evaluations
stop the moment you die.

But also, out of literally billions,

you were one of the most
remarkable people on Earth.

You have nothing left to prove,
to anyone.

Hi, there.

The sinkhole has begun to repair itself.

It has?

- Could it be...
- But how...

Did I...?

- "Tahani saves the un..."
- No, no, no.

Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.

We've got to leave immediately.

It's now safe to go outside.

It's now safe to go outside.

_

It's now safe to go outside.

- Morning, teach!
- Morning.

What's this about?

Well, here's what I realized.

It's not just that helping me
is a full-time job

that you feel you have to do.

The real problem is,
that the more you help me,

the greater the chance is
that I can stay here,

and me staying here means

you'll never get a real soul mate.

I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

Every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.

So every time the simple fact
of my existence

starts to bum you out,

I want you to hold this up.

_

At which point, I will leave you alone

for as long as you need.

I know we'll never be soul
mates, but we're friends.

Now get in this boat and read
some boring French poetry.

I... I've never actually
done this before.

This is a theoretical fantasy.

How do you row a boat?

I'll tell ya, it's good as new.

Go ahead, if you want, just... here.

Whoo! See?

You can jump up and down on it.

Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole.

Yup, good as new. Crisis averted.

Everybody have a wonderful day,

because I fixed the sinkhole.

- I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry?

I tried and I tried, but nothing worked.

And then all of a sudden...

this morning, out of the blue,
it just... whoop!

It just closed over.

Huh.

How 'bout that?

Well, as your assistant,

I officially declare this good news.

No, this is terrible news!

I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor.

And no idea what fixed it.

I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.

You and I are gonna find this problem.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com