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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,695 --> 00:00:02,789 Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today? 2 00:00:03,789 --> 00:00:05,822 Whoa. Lot of new flavors. 3 00:00:05,858 --> 00:00:07,458 Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, 4 00:00:07,493 --> 00:00:09,296 so he wanted to give you all a little treat. 5 00:00:09,321 --> 00:00:12,398 I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery." 6 00:00:13,369 --> 00:00:14,901 Whoa. 7 00:00:14,936 --> 00:00:17,404 It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone 8 00:00:17,439 --> 00:00:19,006 was fully charged. 9 00:00:19,041 --> 00:00:20,607 Oh, I'm so relaxed. 10 00:00:20,632 --> 00:00:21,999 But they all look good. 11 00:00:22,024 --> 00:00:23,623 This might take me a while. 12 00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,840 You know what, Gunnar, uh, why don't you go ahead? 13 00:00:25,865 --> 00:00:27,293 - Thanks so much, Eleanor. - Mm-hmm. 14 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:29,150 - What can I get you, Gunnar? - Hi, Janet. 15 00:00:29,175 --> 00:00:31,943 - Can I have some Folded Laundry? - Coming up. 16 00:00:40,638 --> 00:00:42,136 Chidi! 17 00:00:42,171 --> 00:00:43,346 You'll never believe it. 18 00:00:43,371 --> 00:00:44,620 I was at the frozen yogurt place 19 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:45,807 and I didn't know what I wanted, 20 00:00:45,842 --> 00:00:47,541 so I turned to the guy behind me, and I was like, 21 00:00:47,611 --> 00:00:49,210 "Why don't you go ahead?" 22 00:00:49,235 --> 00:00:51,578 Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?" 23 00:00:51,993 --> 00:00:53,293 O-okay? 24 00:00:53,318 --> 00:00:54,882 Dude, you don't understand! 25 00:00:54,951 --> 00:00:57,184 I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth. 26 00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,431 But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons, 27 00:00:59,456 --> 00:01:00,789 I didn't hold up the line. 28 00:01:00,814 --> 00:01:03,618 I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want 29 00:01:03,643 --> 00:01:05,814 just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line. 30 00:01:05,839 --> 00:01:06,866 You do that? 31 00:01:06,891 --> 00:01:09,312 No, Chidi, I used to do that. 32 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,421 Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it. 33 00:01:12,457 --> 00:01:13,489 That's great. 34 00:01:13,516 --> 00:01:15,482 I-I'm proud of you. 35 00:01:15,525 --> 00:01:16,757 So where's our yogurt? 36 00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:18,460 Ugh. I forgot it. 37 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,828 Oh... Can you go? 38 00:01:20,853 --> 00:01:22,297 I don't want to go all the way back. 39 00:01:22,322 --> 00:01:25,366 I ran all the way here and it was so hot. 40 00:01:26,134 --> 00:01:30,205 I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would. 41 00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:34,534 Good person. 42 00:01:34,559 --> 00:01:39,539 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 43 00:01:39,564 --> 00:01:41,256 _ 44 00:01:41,262 --> 00:01:42,342 So, to sum up: 45 00:01:42,378 --> 00:01:45,312 Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice 46 00:01:45,347 --> 00:01:48,149 is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, 47 00:01:48,184 --> 00:01:50,316 and the least pain and suffering. 48 00:01:50,351 --> 00:01:52,822 I like this one. It's simple. 49 00:01:52,838 --> 00:01:55,606 Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, 50 00:01:55,641 --> 00:01:56,873 why didn't you start with this one? 51 00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,274 Ah, but here's the problem. 52 00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:01,284 If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," 53 00:02:01,309 --> 00:02:03,499 then you can justify any number of bad actions, 54 00:02:03,504 --> 00:02:06,471 like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, 55 00:02:06,506 --> 00:02:07,705 or preemptive war... 56 00:02:07,774 --> 00:02:09,206 Oh, dip, I get it. 57 00:02:09,276 --> 00:02:11,142 It's like, I knew this girl Sheila? 58 00:02:11,177 --> 00:02:14,479 She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone. 59 00:02:14,514 --> 00:02:16,781 Um, okay, what? 60 00:02:16,816 --> 00:02:19,550 Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug 61 00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:21,552 and make him move to Sarasota. 62 00:02:21,621 --> 00:02:23,668 It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew 63 00:02:23,693 --> 00:02:26,098 and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. 64 00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:28,083 So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards 65 00:02:28,091 --> 00:02:30,933 in Sheila's garage and called the cops. 66 00:02:30,958 --> 00:02:32,961 I framed one innocent gator dealer 67 00:02:32,996 --> 00:02:35,596 to save a 60-person dance crew. 68 00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:38,833 Shockingly, that is a relevant example 69 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:40,301 of the Utilitarian dilemma. 70 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:41,920 - Well done. - Thanks! 71 00:02:41,945 --> 00:02:44,078 Um... 72 00:02:44,114 --> 00:02:46,215 - Uh, yes, Jianyu? - Can I be excused? 73 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,249 Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there 74 00:02:48,284 --> 00:02:50,178 before all the mini-waffles run out. 75 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,770 - Go ahead, man. - Yes! 76 00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:56,591 So, you want to roll right into another lesson? 77 00:02:56,616 --> 00:02:58,566 I am revved up to learn, man. 78 00:02:58,591 --> 00:03:00,051 My brain is horny! 79 00:03:00,076 --> 00:03:01,402 Um, can we take a little break? 80 00:03:01,427 --> 00:03:03,203 I've been standing at this chalkboard all day. 81 00:03:03,228 --> 00:03:04,293 Oh, yeah, I get it. 82 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,095 Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote 83 00:03:06,131 --> 00:03:07,798 on the concept of Dharma. 84 00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,634 Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing 85 00:03:10,669 --> 00:03:13,302 where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with 86 00:03:13,337 --> 00:03:14,337 "Interestingly..." 87 00:03:14,371 --> 00:03:16,639 Sure, I'll do that and, uh... 88 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:18,841 we can start another lesson. 89 00:03:23,047 --> 00:03:24,513 Ah, Tahani. 90 00:03:24,549 --> 00:03:27,683 I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. 91 00:03:27,718 --> 00:03:29,329 Tell me what you think. 92 00:03:29,354 --> 00:03:31,621 That "New Yorker" article was crazy. 93 00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:33,594 You haven't seen "Hamilton"? 94 00:03:33,619 --> 00:03:35,358 Hey, did you hear about Stephanie? 95 00:03:35,393 --> 00:03:38,161 - Very well done, Michael. - Hi, there! 96 00:03:38,196 --> 00:03:42,999 We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis. 97 00:03:43,034 --> 00:03:46,019 A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis? 98 00:03:46,044 --> 00:03:47,065 - Mm-hmm. - Sorry, 99 00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,829 what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis? 100 00:03:49,837 --> 00:03:52,542 It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. 101 00:03:52,578 --> 00:03:55,545 Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room 102 00:03:55,581 --> 00:03:58,182 where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell 103 00:03:58,217 --> 00:04:00,884 very loudly out of fear? 104 00:04:05,099 --> 00:04:07,795 It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself. 105 00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:09,881 This is very bad, Janet. 106 00:04:09,906 --> 00:04:12,538 We have to go into the sinkhole and fix it by hand. 107 00:04:12,573 --> 00:04:13,739 Get the tools. 108 00:04:13,774 --> 00:04:15,936 Sorry, can I be of any service? 109 00:04:15,961 --> 00:04:17,618 - Ah, Tahani. - _ 110 00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,544 Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no. 111 00:04:19,579 --> 00:04:20,879 We're just having a slight problem 112 00:04:20,914 --> 00:04:23,592 with the enormous sinkhole. 113 00:04:23,617 --> 00:04:25,217 Yes, I meant to tell you... 114 00:04:25,242 --> 00:04:27,118 I walked past it last night and I... 115 00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:28,783 I actually saw it get a little bit bigger. 116 00:04:29,753 --> 00:04:30,918 It got bigger? 117 00:04:30,954 --> 00:04:33,488 Ah, well, that's... that's so normal. 118 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,624 Um, this is the reaction I have when things 119 00:04:35,659 --> 00:04:37,824 are incredibly mundane and expected. 120 00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:39,268 I'm gonna leave now... 121 00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:41,262 at my regular pace, 122 00:04:41,297 --> 00:04:44,197 as I do in most scenarios. 123 00:04:50,453 --> 00:04:52,119 Finally! 124 00:04:52,144 --> 00:04:53,769 Let's get back to it. 125 00:04:53,804 --> 00:04:55,651 Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me 126 00:04:55,676 --> 00:04:56,939 what you're working with. 127 00:04:56,975 --> 00:05:00,276 Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... 128 00:05:00,937 --> 00:05:02,003 blankets. 129 00:05:02,028 --> 00:05:03,479 Great, I'll grab my sweater. 130 00:05:03,547 --> 00:05:05,414 I can practice letting people cut in front of me. 131 00:05:05,449 --> 00:05:07,416 You know, uh, I just realized 132 00:05:07,451 --> 00:05:10,952 that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap 133 00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:13,288 using the several blankets that I already have. 134 00:05:13,323 --> 00:05:14,555 Good night. 135 00:05:14,591 --> 00:05:16,009 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. 136 00:05:16,025 --> 00:05:17,691 What's wrong? Out with it. 137 00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:20,060 I'm just tired, need a break. No big deal. 138 00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,046 The way you're talking to me right now? 139 00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:25,090 "Everything's cool, no big deal"... I know that move. 140 00:05:25,115 --> 00:05:27,566 When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," 141 00:05:27,636 --> 00:05:30,670 it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," 142 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,239 to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, 143 00:05:33,264 --> 00:05:35,264 things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid." 144 00:05:35,289 --> 00:05:36,476 Wow. 145 00:05:36,485 --> 00:05:39,468 Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal. 146 00:05:39,492 --> 00:05:41,177 Dude, you're hiding something! 147 00:05:41,202 --> 00:05:43,685 - What's wrong? - Nothing! 148 00:05:44,389 --> 00:05:47,760 What... is... 149 00:05:47,795 --> 00:05:49,795 wrong? 150 00:05:54,664 --> 00:05:56,453 _ 151 00:05:58,030 --> 00:05:59,530 Jianyu second. 152 00:05:59,598 --> 00:06:02,631 Oh, well done, my love. 153 00:06:02,656 --> 00:06:04,671 So where am I? 154 00:06:04,707 --> 00:06:06,207 Eleanor... 6th? 155 00:06:06,393 --> 00:06:08,003 Come on. 156 00:06:16,681 --> 00:06:17,979 Oh, no. 157 00:06:18,014 --> 00:06:21,149 I'm second to last. 158 00:06:21,185 --> 00:06:22,984 Mummy, I made you this. 159 00:06:23,019 --> 00:06:25,353 It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden. 160 00:06:25,389 --> 00:06:28,490 Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent. 161 00:06:28,704 --> 00:06:30,704 I made a bird, as well. 162 00:06:30,729 --> 00:06:34,393 I worked in a reflective alloy, holding up a mirror to mankind 163 00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:36,837 and its mistreatment of these defenseless animals. 164 00:06:36,869 --> 00:06:38,669 Excellent, Kamilah. 165 00:06:38,705 --> 00:06:42,195 I sense the influence of Brancusi and Kapoor. 166 00:06:42,220 --> 00:06:44,174 It seems you're moving out of your structural period, 167 00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:46,176 and more into conceptual abstraction. 168 00:06:46,212 --> 00:06:47,403 Good eye, Mother. 169 00:06:47,428 --> 00:06:49,747 I grew tired of objective representation. 170 00:06:49,772 --> 00:06:51,653 I trust my audience. 171 00:06:51,669 --> 00:06:53,172 My birdie has a hat. 172 00:06:53,197 --> 00:06:55,473 Yes, well done, Tahani. 173 00:06:56,963 --> 00:06:57,967 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 174 00:06:57,992 --> 00:06:59,219 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 175 00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:00,758 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 176 00:07:00,783 --> 00:07:02,133 - Would you stop doing that? - What's wrong? 177 00:07:02,158 --> 00:07:03,393 - Okay, fine! - What's wrong? 178 00:07:03,409 --> 00:07:04,542 You want to know what's wrong? 179 00:07:04,585 --> 00:07:06,542 You are a full-time job. 180 00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:08,276 I wake up, there's Eleanor. 181 00:07:08,301 --> 00:07:10,260 I spend all day teaching Eleanor. 182 00:07:10,285 --> 00:07:12,003 And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor." 183 00:07:12,028 --> 00:07:14,225 Oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here. 184 00:07:14,261 --> 00:07:15,901 Wait, she's got Eleanor's face! 185 00:07:15,926 --> 00:07:17,507 And tentacles for some reason. 186 00:07:17,532 --> 00:07:19,730 I thought you liked teaching me. 187 00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:21,997 So now I'm just some huge burden for you? 188 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:22,972 Yes! 189 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:23,972 Of course you are! 190 00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:25,340 I am in paradise! 191 00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:27,142 I should be doing paradise things, 192 00:07:27,177 --> 00:07:29,577 like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, 193 00:07:29,602 --> 00:07:30,868 reading French poetry. 194 00:07:30,893 --> 00:07:33,093 That's your idea of paradise? 195 00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:35,516 You know, and I can't stop helping you, 196 00:07:35,552 --> 00:07:38,009 because then I am shirking my ethical duty. 197 00:07:38,018 --> 00:07:39,594 It's an impossible position! 198 00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:41,385 You know what, if you're so stressed from writing 199 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,487 on a chalkboard, why don't you just leave? 200 00:07:43,522 --> 00:07:45,422 We can pretend to be soul mates in public, 201 00:07:45,447 --> 00:07:47,198 but other than that, we don't have to see each other! 202 00:07:47,226 --> 00:07:48,826 Fine with me! I'll move out right now. 203 00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:49,861 Fine! 204 00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,269 Good afternoon. 205 00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:54,480 As you all may remember, a sinkhole recently 206 00:07:54,485 --> 00:07:56,485 opened up in the town center. 207 00:07:56,554 --> 00:07:58,953 The situation, sadly, has worsened. 208 00:07:58,989 --> 00:08:01,155 Starting right now, no one may go outside 209 00:08:01,224 --> 00:08:03,366 under any circumstances. 210 00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,850 Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage, 211 00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:09,687 to you and to the very fabric of the universe. 212 00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,855 Okay, bye. 213 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,400 Or we could both just stay here. 214 00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:19,745 We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the Good Place. 215 00:08:20,035 --> 00:08:23,153 Take advantage of our day spa, or Janet... 216 00:08:23,363 --> 00:08:26,597 a magical assistant who can get you whatever you want. 217 00:08:26,622 --> 00:08:28,156 You mind turning that off? 218 00:08:28,181 --> 00:08:29,846 It's been playing on a loop for two days. 219 00:08:29,856 --> 00:08:32,323 The whole Neighborhood is offline. 220 00:08:32,358 --> 00:08:34,225 We only get the welcome channel. 221 00:08:34,294 --> 00:08:37,065 I would love to not watch TV, 222 00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:38,957 but you canceled school. 223 00:08:40,044 --> 00:08:42,628 What have you done to me, you monster? 224 00:08:43,026 --> 00:08:45,204 Look at all these dishes piling up. 225 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,957 I used to just throw them in the sink, 226 00:08:46,982 --> 00:08:49,308 and they'd be magically cleaned by morning. 227 00:08:49,325 --> 00:08:50,893 I did that. I cleaned the dishes. 228 00:08:50,918 --> 00:08:52,192 Oh. 229 00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,729 Then what's up with these bad boys? 230 00:08:53,754 --> 00:08:56,730 You are unbelievable. 231 00:08:56,765 --> 00:08:58,064 Are you still upset? 232 00:08:58,099 --> 00:08:59,700 - You're not over it yet? - How can I be over it? 233 00:08:59,735 --> 00:09:02,536 We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days. 234 00:09:02,571 --> 00:09:04,870 Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice "vacation" 235 00:09:04,905 --> 00:09:06,309 from your "full-time job." 236 00:09:06,318 --> 00:09:07,697 Get your story straight, bro! 237 00:09:08,743 --> 00:09:11,109 Hey, guys, it's Michael. 238 00:09:11,794 --> 00:09:14,017 Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise. 239 00:09:14,042 --> 00:09:16,926 Oh, I'd love to make small talk... I've been practicing, too. 240 00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:19,364 I'm amazing at it... but I'm in a bit of a rush here. 241 00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:21,372 This is Bart and Nina. 242 00:09:21,397 --> 00:09:23,965 They live right next door to the, uh, sinkhole, 243 00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:26,334 so they obviously need a place to stay. 244 00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:28,270 I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could 245 00:09:28,305 --> 00:09:29,534 put them up for a while? 246 00:09:29,542 --> 00:09:30,977 Oh, of course. 247 00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,079 Don't... don't think twice. 248 00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:33,415 Okay, shouldn't take long. 249 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,146 Between an hour and, um... 250 00:09:35,181 --> 00:09:36,147 11 months. 251 00:09:36,182 --> 00:09:38,515 Somewhere in there. Okay, bye. 252 00:09:40,286 --> 00:09:41,752 Don't go outside. 253 00:09:43,522 --> 00:09:44,522 Ha... 254 00:09:49,228 --> 00:09:51,828 Hello, everyone, and welcome to day three 255 00:09:51,853 --> 00:09:53,273 of our brunch siege. 256 00:09:53,282 --> 00:09:57,216 I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities. 257 00:09:57,286 --> 00:09:59,452 Just check the schedule I made. 258 00:09:59,488 --> 00:10:02,171 Tahani, you are truly the best. 259 00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:05,191 Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, Henriette? 260 00:10:07,896 --> 00:10:09,986 Still second to last. 261 00:10:15,636 --> 00:10:17,002 Tahani! 262 00:10:17,037 --> 00:10:20,673 This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure. 263 00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:23,125 5.2 million isn't bad. 264 00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:25,521 It's very "middle-thermometer." 265 00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:29,852 Your public failure is our public failure. 266 00:10:29,877 --> 00:10:32,210 You know what has to be done. 267 00:10:32,686 --> 00:10:34,929 I'm very pleased to announce that there has been 268 00:10:34,954 --> 00:10:37,187 an addition to today's docket. 269 00:10:37,766 --> 00:10:41,035 I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. 270 00:10:43,739 --> 00:10:45,438 Yes. Kamilah. 271 00:10:45,506 --> 00:10:47,874 Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever 272 00:10:47,909 --> 00:10:49,843 to graduate from Oxford University, 273 00:10:49,878 --> 00:10:53,746 she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, 274 00:10:53,781 --> 00:10:57,217 Olympic gold medalist for archery, 275 00:10:57,252 --> 00:11:00,053 a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary 276 00:11:00,088 --> 00:11:02,287 on her Grammy Award-winning album, 277 00:11:02,356 --> 00:11:06,524 and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." 278 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,261 So without further ado, 279 00:11:09,296 --> 00:11:10,830 take it away from me! 280 00:11:10,855 --> 00:11:13,656 Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah. 281 00:11:16,779 --> 00:11:19,126 I am auctioning off a lunch date with me. 282 00:11:20,237 --> 00:11:23,650 The bidding shall commence at £3 million. 283 00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:26,719 5 million! 284 00:11:34,062 --> 00:11:36,027 Thank you guys so much. 285 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,772 - Sorry for the imposition. - Oh, bah. 286 00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,421 Oh, well, if you want to know the truth, 287 00:11:40,429 --> 00:11:42,162 we asked Michael if we could stay with you. 288 00:11:42,199 --> 00:11:44,432 We are obsessed with your relationship. 289 00:11:44,468 --> 00:11:47,435 Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day. 290 00:11:47,471 --> 00:11:50,338 I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job, 291 00:11:50,373 --> 00:11:52,772 but I have a lot to learn from you guys. 292 00:11:52,808 --> 00:11:54,475 Your job? What was your job? 293 00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:55,976 I was a marriage counselor. 294 00:11:56,011 --> 00:11:58,969 You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships. 295 00:11:58,994 --> 00:12:00,093 And I did! 296 00:12:01,409 --> 00:12:04,033 It's called, "How to Spot Problems in a Marriage 297 00:12:04,058 --> 00:12:05,457 From 100 Miles Away." 298 00:12:05,482 --> 00:12:07,002 Oh, cool. 299 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,119 - Really cool. - Cool. 300 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,677 - Really, really cool. - Cool, cool. 301 00:12:09,682 --> 00:12:10,948 And what about you, Bart? 302 00:12:10,984 --> 00:12:13,144 Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting. 303 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,761 I started a company that investigated identity theft. 304 00:12:15,797 --> 00:12:18,030 Analyzing body language, tracking and catching people 305 00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:19,665 pretending to be someone they're not. 306 00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:21,767 It's... pssh, snooze, am I right? 307 00:12:23,938 --> 00:12:25,036 They're gonna catch us! 308 00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:27,358 This is an extremely precarious situation! 309 00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,733 I am vexed, Eleanor! 310 00:12:28,768 --> 00:12:31,171 A marriage counselor and a human lie detector 311 00:12:31,196 --> 00:12:33,404 isn't my first choice for company, either. 312 00:12:33,439 --> 00:12:35,906 But they have no reason to suspect us! 313 00:12:35,941 --> 00:12:39,744 Plus, I think they may have actually just come here 314 00:12:39,779 --> 00:12:42,835 to, you know, swing. 315 00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:44,360 I say we do it. 316 00:12:44,374 --> 00:12:45,806 It'll get 'em to stop asking questions. 317 00:12:45,851 --> 00:12:48,352 No, I am not going to have sex with someone 318 00:12:48,387 --> 00:12:50,354 to get them to stop talking to me! 319 00:12:50,389 --> 00:12:52,523 Really? You and I are very different. 320 00:12:52,558 --> 00:12:53,757 Yeah, I noticed! 321 00:12:53,825 --> 00:12:55,192 You know what, man? 322 00:12:55,227 --> 00:12:57,090 I have spent every second in this place 323 00:12:57,115 --> 00:12:58,194 worried I was gonna get caught, 324 00:12:58,229 --> 00:12:59,695 but if we go down right now, 325 00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:01,264 that's on you, okay? 326 00:13:01,332 --> 00:13:03,232 Oh, you spend all your time teaching a 327 00:13:03,268 --> 00:13:04,534 charming, awesome lady? 328 00:13:04,569 --> 00:13:06,853 How sad for you. Face it, dude. 329 00:13:06,878 --> 00:13:08,704 I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. 330 00:13:08,739 --> 00:13:10,506 Because guess what, Chidi? 331 00:13:10,531 --> 00:13:13,311 - Ya basic! - Eleanor... 332 00:13:13,319 --> 00:13:15,319 Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're 333 00:13:15,353 --> 00:13:17,320 arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, 334 00:13:17,355 --> 00:13:19,355 "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. 335 00:13:19,390 --> 00:13:20,522 Dream on! 336 00:13:20,558 --> 00:13:21,975 Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it. 337 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,365 No, Eleanor, look. 338 00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:31,734 So how much of that did you hear? 339 00:13:31,759 --> 00:13:33,485 We couldn't hear you, but I'm an expert in 340 00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:35,352 non-verbal communication, and it is clear... 341 00:13:35,377 --> 00:13:36,843 you are in conflict. 342 00:13:36,868 --> 00:13:38,200 We're not judging you. 343 00:13:38,236 --> 00:13:39,935 This has been a tough couple of weeks. 344 00:13:40,004 --> 00:13:42,705 I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole has caused 345 00:13:42,741 --> 00:13:44,407 lots of soul mate squabbles. 346 00:13:44,442 --> 00:13:46,509 Yes, that's what it is. 347 00:13:46,544 --> 00:13:47,610 A squabble. 348 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:49,344 - We're squabbling. - Squabble, squabble! 349 00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:50,580 I can help. 350 00:13:50,605 --> 00:13:53,782 I'm gonna take your relationship and put it under a microscope 351 00:13:53,851 --> 00:13:56,885 and dig and poke and prod 352 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,944 until you are back to soul mate harmony. 353 00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,356 Eleanor, why don't you... 354 00:14:01,392 --> 00:14:04,593 She never does the dishes. I have to do them all the time. 355 00:14:04,628 --> 00:14:06,761 We just have different interests. 356 00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:09,563 I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case 357 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,631 about the dishes. 358 00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:12,566 I'm getting a lot of repressed anger. 359 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,951 I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure. 360 00:14:14,976 --> 00:14:19,006 - You are hiding something. - What on earth would I be... 361 00:14:19,031 --> 00:14:20,965 No, no, no, not you. 362 00:14:21,626 --> 00:14:23,314 Him. 363 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:26,979 Please go back inside. 364 00:14:27,015 --> 00:14:29,324 It isn't safe to be out of your home. 365 00:14:29,426 --> 00:14:31,093 Please go back inside. 366 00:14:31,128 --> 00:14:33,027 Janet, could you see what's wrong? 367 00:14:33,097 --> 00:14:34,596 Everything. 368 00:14:34,631 --> 00:14:36,331 Ugh. 369 00:14:37,923 --> 00:14:39,189 My goodness! 370 00:14:39,214 --> 00:14:40,313 It's even worse than I thought. 371 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,938 Tahani, what're you doing here? 372 00:14:41,963 --> 00:14:43,914 Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, 373 00:14:43,939 --> 00:14:45,383 but I wanted to help. 374 00:14:45,408 --> 00:14:47,721 So I've brought some cheer and sustenance 375 00:14:47,746 --> 00:14:48,994 to raise your spirits. 376 00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,511 Look, I made donut holes. 377 00:14:50,546 --> 00:14:52,613 Do you get it? "Donut holes"? 378 00:14:52,648 --> 00:14:54,281 Sinkhole. 379 00:14:54,317 --> 00:14:56,551 - Funny, no? - No, too soon. 380 00:14:56,576 --> 00:14:58,129 By exactly nine days. 381 00:14:58,154 --> 00:15:01,381 Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous. 382 00:15:01,406 --> 00:15:02,983 If a human gets too close to it, 383 00:15:03,008 --> 00:15:05,008 there could be disastrous side effects. 384 00:15:06,679 --> 00:15:08,579 What's... what's happening to me? 385 00:15:08,647 --> 00:15:10,013 Oh, that's one of the side effects. 386 00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:12,516 Janet, knock her out while we still have time. 387 00:15:12,551 --> 00:15:13,883 Knock me out? What does that... 388 00:15:13,918 --> 00:15:15,351 Boop. 389 00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:20,923 Guys, really, it's no big deal. 390 00:15:20,992 --> 00:15:23,893 "It's not a big deal" is nearly always code 391 00:15:23,928 --> 00:15:25,895 for "something is wrong." 392 00:15:25,930 --> 00:15:27,823 Boom! That's what I said. 393 00:15:27,848 --> 00:15:29,337 I should've been a marriage counselor. 394 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,378 Okay, Chidi, out with it. 395 00:15:31,403 --> 00:15:34,516 What is so unsatisfying about your soul mate relationship? 396 00:15:34,541 --> 00:15:36,156 Be honest, Chidi. 397 00:15:36,181 --> 00:15:40,719 Be, like, the exact right amount of honest 398 00:15:40,744 --> 00:15:43,307 so that we can both be happy. 399 00:15:44,604 --> 00:15:47,948 I never had a soul mate on earth. 400 00:15:47,983 --> 00:15:50,684 I-I never even really had 401 00:15:50,753 --> 00:15:53,854 a girlfriend that I "loved." 402 00:15:53,923 --> 00:15:55,783 And when I got here, and Michael said I would 403 00:15:55,808 --> 00:15:58,174 finally meet my actual soul mate, 404 00:15:58,198 --> 00:15:59,631 I was so excited. 405 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,252 And it isn't... 406 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,752 exactly... what I thought. 407 00:16:06,553 --> 00:16:09,454 You've never had an intense relationship before. 408 00:16:09,479 --> 00:16:11,642 This is all uncharted territory. 409 00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:14,478 No wonder you're so tense. 410 00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:18,816 You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage. 411 00:16:18,851 --> 00:16:20,851 Uh, not erotic massage. 412 00:16:20,886 --> 00:16:23,252 Although, it can be, and it often leads there, anyway... 413 00:16:23,322 --> 00:16:25,221 Okay, well, you know what? 414 00:16:25,256 --> 00:16:27,935 You guys have given us so much to think about. 415 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,193 And I think we should go to bed. 416 00:16:29,218 --> 00:16:31,521 Just the two of us, alone. Just us. 417 00:16:31,546 --> 00:16:33,632 I know it's not the right time, but I told you. 418 00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:36,936 Tahani, wake up, dear. 419 00:16:36,972 --> 00:16:38,623 Michael. 420 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:40,874 Did it work? 421 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,651 Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine? 422 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:46,725 No, you did something catastrophically stupid 423 00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:48,374 and we had to knock you unconscious. 424 00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:51,000 Why in the world did you go outside? 425 00:16:51,027 --> 00:16:54,027 Because I saw the rankings in the manual. 426 00:16:54,063 --> 00:16:56,330 That manual is only meant to be seen by 427 00:16:56,365 --> 00:16:57,998 Architects and Janets. 428 00:16:58,033 --> 00:17:00,438 It's got some very sensitive material. 429 00:17:00,463 --> 00:17:02,814 Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, 430 00:17:02,839 --> 00:17:04,469 and I'd rather not let people see those 431 00:17:04,494 --> 00:17:05,774 until they're finished. 432 00:17:06,909 --> 00:17:11,277 Anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so? 433 00:17:13,381 --> 00:17:17,093 I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing. 434 00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:20,419 Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament. 435 00:17:20,454 --> 00:17:23,156 "To Kamilah, we have left £68 million, 436 00:17:23,224 --> 00:17:25,725 "the home in Kensington, the yacht, 437 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,293 and other assorted weekend boats." 438 00:17:28,328 --> 00:17:31,274 Well, what did they leave their second favorite child? 439 00:17:31,299 --> 00:17:33,264 There's still quite a lot of money 440 00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:35,227 and property that goes to you. 441 00:17:35,252 --> 00:17:37,502 There is one issue, however. 442 00:17:37,537 --> 00:17:41,073 They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will. 443 00:17:41,141 --> 00:17:42,540 You've got to be kidding me. 444 00:17:42,576 --> 00:17:46,310 It says, "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini." 445 00:17:46,345 --> 00:17:47,511 Like the sauce. 446 00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:49,080 You know what? 447 00:17:49,148 --> 00:17:50,568 I don't want the money. 448 00:17:50,593 --> 00:17:53,084 My sister can have it all. 449 00:17:53,144 --> 00:17:56,412 My whole life, I have lived in your shadow, 450 00:17:56,489 --> 00:17:58,748 but now I'm going to step out of it. 451 00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:02,474 I am going to reach heights of success and sophistication 452 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,099 that you can only dream of. 453 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:05,701 Your cardigan's on inside out. 454 00:18:05,726 --> 00:18:07,230 I know! 455 00:18:07,265 --> 00:18:10,166 It's a new trend that I am starting. 456 00:18:10,201 --> 00:18:11,668 Just one example of how I'm going to 457 00:18:11,703 --> 00:18:13,202 step out of your shadow. 458 00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:18,470 Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael. 459 00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:21,510 But I just don't understand how I'm so low. 460 00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:24,810 My entire life, I have tried to be extraordinary, 461 00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:26,491 but it just never seemed to be enough. 462 00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,092 Ah. 463 00:18:28,117 --> 00:18:30,452 And you thought you could increase your ranking 464 00:18:30,487 --> 00:18:33,923 by helping us fix the sinkhole. 465 00:18:33,958 --> 00:18:38,426 Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die. 466 00:18:38,461 --> 00:18:42,196 But also, out of literally billions, 467 00:18:42,265 --> 00:18:46,367 you were one of the most remarkable people on Earth. 468 00:18:46,436 --> 00:18:50,137 You have nothing left to prove, to anyone. 469 00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:52,167 Hi, there. 470 00:18:52,192 --> 00:18:54,274 The sinkhole has begun to repair itself. 471 00:18:54,309 --> 00:18:55,809 It has? 472 00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:56,916 - Could it be... - But how... 473 00:18:56,941 --> 00:18:57,913 Did I...? 474 00:18:57,938 --> 00:19:00,181 - "Tahani saves the un..." - No, no, no. 475 00:19:00,215 --> 00:19:01,869 Still not you. You have nothing to do with it. 476 00:19:01,894 --> 00:19:03,349 We've got to leave immediately. 477 00:19:04,486 --> 00:19:06,408 It's now safe to go outside. 478 00:19:07,822 --> 00:19:09,743 It's now safe to go outside. 479 00:19:09,768 --> 00:19:11,134 _ 480 00:19:11,159 --> 00:19:13,073 It's now safe to go outside. 481 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,529 - Morning, teach! - Morning. 482 00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:19,331 What's this about? 483 00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:21,033 Well, here's what I realized. 484 00:19:21,069 --> 00:19:23,502 It's not just that helping me is a full-time job 485 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,972 that you feel you have to do. 486 00:19:26,007 --> 00:19:28,506 The real problem is, that the more you help me, 487 00:19:28,541 --> 00:19:31,076 the greater the chance is that I can stay here, 488 00:19:31,144 --> 00:19:33,177 and me staying here means 489 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,247 you'll never get a real soul mate. 490 00:19:36,316 --> 00:19:39,501 I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare. 491 00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:42,654 Every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you. 492 00:19:42,689 --> 00:19:46,389 So every time the simple fact of my existence 493 00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:48,522 starts to bum you out, 494 00:19:49,394 --> 00:19:51,334 I want you to hold this up. 495 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,021 _ 496 00:19:53,046 --> 00:19:55,732 At which point, I will leave you alone 497 00:19:56,201 --> 00:19:57,534 for as long as you need. 498 00:19:57,569 --> 00:20:02,005 I know we'll never be soul mates, but we're friends. 499 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,241 Now get in this boat and read some boring French poetry. 500 00:20:16,087 --> 00:20:18,120 I... I've never actually done this before. 501 00:20:18,188 --> 00:20:19,955 This is a theoretical fantasy. 502 00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:21,870 How do you row a boat? 503 00:20:22,693 --> 00:20:24,026 I'll tell ya, it's good as new. 504 00:20:24,061 --> 00:20:25,393 Go ahead, if you want, just... here. 505 00:20:25,428 --> 00:20:26,528 Whoo! See? 506 00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:27,696 You can jump up and down on it. 507 00:20:27,731 --> 00:20:30,132 Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole. 508 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,467 Yup, good as new. Crisis averted. 509 00:20:32,536 --> 00:20:33,969 Everybody have a wonderful day, 510 00:20:34,038 --> 00:20:36,470 because I fixed the sinkhole. 511 00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,973 - I didn't fix the sinkhole. - Sorry? 512 00:20:39,042 --> 00:20:41,275 I tried and I tried, but nothing worked. 513 00:20:41,310 --> 00:20:42,576 And then all of a sudden... 514 00:20:42,611 --> 00:20:44,578 this morning, out of the blue, it just... whoop! 515 00:20:44,613 --> 00:20:47,281 It just closed over. 516 00:20:47,316 --> 00:20:48,983 Huh. 517 00:20:49,052 --> 00:20:50,651 How 'bout that? 518 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,418 Well, as your assistant, 519 00:20:52,453 --> 00:20:54,665 I officially declare this good news. 520 00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:57,223 No, this is terrible news! 521 00:20:57,258 --> 00:20:59,659 I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor. 522 00:20:59,728 --> 00:21:02,095 And no idea what fixed it. 523 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:05,264 I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning. 524 00:21:05,299 --> 00:21:09,045 You and I are gonna find this problem. 525 00:21:09,070 --> 00:21:14,070 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 38526

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