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1
00:00:00,695 --> 00:00:02,789
Good afternoon, Eleanor.
What can I get you today?
2
00:00:03,789 --> 00:00:05,822
Whoa. Lot of new flavors.
3
00:00:05,858 --> 00:00:07,458
Michael felt bad about the sinkhole,
4
00:00:07,493 --> 00:00:09,296
so he wanted to
give you all a little treat.
5
00:00:09,321 --> 00:00:12,398
I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."
6
00:00:13,369 --> 00:00:14,901
Whoa.
7
00:00:14,936 --> 00:00:17,404
It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone
8
00:00:17,439 --> 00:00:19,006
was fully charged.
9
00:00:19,041 --> 00:00:20,607
Oh, I'm so relaxed.
10
00:00:20,632 --> 00:00:21,999
But they all look good.
11
00:00:22,024 --> 00:00:23,623
This might take me a while.
12
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,840
You know what, Gunnar, uh,
why don't you go ahead?
13
00:00:25,865 --> 00:00:27,293
- Thanks so much, Eleanor.
- Mm-hmm.
14
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:29,150
- What can I get you, Gunnar?
- Hi, Janet.
15
00:00:29,175 --> 00:00:31,943
- Can I have some Folded Laundry?
- Coming up.
16
00:00:40,638 --> 00:00:42,136
Chidi!
17
00:00:42,171 --> 00:00:43,346
You'll never believe it.
18
00:00:43,371 --> 00:00:44,620
I was at the frozen yogurt place
19
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:45,807
and I didn't know what I wanted,
20
00:00:45,842 --> 00:00:47,541
so I turned to the guy behind
me, and I was like,
21
00:00:47,611 --> 00:00:49,210
"Why don't you go ahead?"
22
00:00:49,235 --> 00:00:51,578
Just like that!
"Why don't you go ahead?"
23
00:00:51,993 --> 00:00:53,293
O-okay?
24
00:00:53,318 --> 00:00:54,882
Dude, you don't understand!
25
00:00:54,951 --> 00:00:57,184
I never did stuff like that
when I was on Earth.
26
00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,431
But now, thanks to your
"good person" lessons,
27
00:00:59,456 --> 00:01:00,789
I didn't hold up the line.
28
00:01:00,814 --> 00:01:03,618
I didn't even try a dozen
samples I didn't want
29
00:01:03,643 --> 00:01:05,814
just to spite some jerk who told
me I was holding up the line.
30
00:01:05,839 --> 00:01:06,866
You do that?
31
00:01:06,891 --> 00:01:09,312
No, Chidi, I used to do that.
32
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,421
Now I do selfless things without
even thinking about it.
33
00:01:12,457 --> 00:01:13,489
That's great.
34
00:01:13,516 --> 00:01:15,482
I-I'm proud of you.
35
00:01:15,525 --> 00:01:16,757
So where's our yogurt?
36
00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:18,460
Ugh. I forgot it.
37
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,828
Oh... Can you go?
38
00:01:20,853 --> 00:01:22,297
I don't want to go all the way back.
39
00:01:22,322 --> 00:01:25,366
I ran all the way here
and it was so hot.
40
00:01:26,134 --> 00:01:30,205
I mean, I will happily get it,
because I told you I would.
41
00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:34,534
Good person.
42
00:01:34,559 --> 00:01:39,539
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
43
00:01:39,564 --> 00:01:41,256
_
44
00:01:41,262 --> 00:01:42,342
So, to sum up:
45
00:01:42,378 --> 00:01:45,312
Utilitarianism posits
that the correct choice
46
00:01:45,347 --> 00:01:48,149
is the one that causes
the most good or pleasure,
47
00:01:48,184 --> 00:01:50,316
and the least pain and suffering.
48
00:01:50,351 --> 00:01:52,822
I like this one. It's simple.
49
00:01:52,838 --> 00:01:55,606
Ugh, screw all the other
complicated theories,
50
00:01:55,641 --> 00:01:56,873
why didn't you start with this one?
51
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,274
Ah, but here's the problem.
52
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:01,284
If all that matters is the
sum total of "goodness,"
53
00:02:01,309 --> 00:02:03,499
then you can justify
any number of bad actions,
54
00:02:03,504 --> 00:02:06,471
like torturing one innocent
person to save a hundred,
55
00:02:06,506 --> 00:02:07,705
or preemptive war...
56
00:02:07,774 --> 00:02:09,206
Oh, dip, I get it.
57
00:02:09,276 --> 00:02:11,142
It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?
58
00:02:11,177 --> 00:02:14,479
She was a black market alligator
dealer with a pierced jawbone.
59
00:02:14,514 --> 00:02:16,781
Um, okay, what?
60
00:02:16,816 --> 00:02:19,550
Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy, Donkey Doug
61
00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:21,552
and make him move to Sarasota.
62
00:02:21,621 --> 00:02:23,668
It would've broken up
my whole break dancing crew
63
00:02:23,693 --> 00:02:26,098
and Donkey Doug
was our best pop-and-locker.
64
00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:28,083
So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards
65
00:02:28,091 --> 00:02:30,933
in Sheila's garage and called the cops.
66
00:02:30,958 --> 00:02:32,961
I framed one innocent gator dealer
67
00:02:32,996 --> 00:02:35,596
to save a 60-person dance crew.
68
00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:38,833
Shockingly, that is a relevant example
69
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:40,301
of the Utilitarian dilemma.
70
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:41,920
- Well done.
- Thanks!
71
00:02:41,945 --> 00:02:44,078
Um...
72
00:02:44,114 --> 00:02:46,215
- Uh, yes, Jianyu?
- Can I be excused?
73
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,249
Tahani's doing a brunch party
and I want to get there
74
00:02:48,284 --> 00:02:50,178
before all the mini-waffles run out.
75
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,770
- Go ahead, man.
- Yes!
76
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:56,591
So, you want to roll
right into another lesson?
77
00:02:56,616 --> 00:02:58,566
I am revved up to learn, man.
78
00:02:58,591 --> 00:03:00,051
My brain is horny!
79
00:03:00,076 --> 00:03:01,402
Um, can we take a little break?
80
00:03:01,427 --> 00:03:03,203
I've been standing at this
chalkboard all day.
81
00:03:03,228 --> 00:03:04,293
Oh, yeah, I get it.
82
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,095
Oh, you could, um,
grade my paper I wrote
83
00:03:06,131 --> 00:03:07,798
on the concept of Dharma.
84
00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,634
Six pages, and I didn't even
do that thing
85
00:03:10,669 --> 00:03:13,302
where I try to make it longer by
starting every sentence with
86
00:03:13,337 --> 00:03:14,337
"Interestingly..."
87
00:03:14,371 --> 00:03:16,639
Sure, I'll do that and, uh...
88
00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:18,841
we can start another lesson.
89
00:03:23,047 --> 00:03:24,513
Ah, Tahani.
90
00:03:24,549 --> 00:03:27,683
I've been working on my Western
Hemisphere brunch banter.
91
00:03:27,718 --> 00:03:29,329
Tell me what you think.
92
00:03:29,354 --> 00:03:31,621
That "New Yorker" article was crazy.
93
00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:33,594
You haven't seen "Hamilton"?
94
00:03:33,619 --> 00:03:35,358
Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?
95
00:03:35,393 --> 00:03:38,161
- Very well done, Michael.
- Hi, there!
96
00:03:38,196 --> 00:03:42,999
We have a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis.
97
00:03:43,034 --> 00:03:46,019
A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
98
00:03:46,044 --> 00:03:47,065
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry,
99
00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,829
what is a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
100
00:03:49,837 --> 00:03:52,542
It's nothing, it's a tiny
little inconvenience.
101
00:03:52,578 --> 00:03:55,545
Tahani, dear, could you show us
to a private room
102
00:03:55,581 --> 00:03:58,182
where no one can see
or hear us, even if I yell
103
00:03:58,217 --> 00:04:00,884
very loudly out of fear?
104
00:04:05,099 --> 00:04:07,795
It appears that the sinkhole
is not repairing itself.
105
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:09,881
This is very bad, Janet.
106
00:04:09,906 --> 00:04:12,538
We have to go into the
sinkhole and fix it by hand.
107
00:04:12,573 --> 00:04:13,739
Get the tools.
108
00:04:13,774 --> 00:04:15,936
Sorry, can I be of any service?
109
00:04:15,961 --> 00:04:17,618
- Ah, Tahani.
- _
110
00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,544
Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no.
111
00:04:19,579 --> 00:04:20,879
We're just having a slight problem
112
00:04:20,914 --> 00:04:23,592
with the enormous sinkhole.
113
00:04:23,617 --> 00:04:25,217
Yes, I meant to tell you...
114
00:04:25,242 --> 00:04:27,118
I walked past it last night and I...
115
00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:28,783
I actually saw it
get a little bit bigger.
116
00:04:29,753 --> 00:04:30,918
It got bigger?
117
00:04:30,954 --> 00:04:33,488
Ah, well, that's... that's so normal.
118
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,624
Um, this is the reaction
I have when things
119
00:04:35,659 --> 00:04:37,824
are incredibly mundane and expected.
120
00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:39,268
I'm gonna leave now...
121
00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:41,262
at my regular pace,
122
00:04:41,297 --> 00:04:44,197
as I do in most scenarios.
123
00:04:50,453 --> 00:04:52,119
Finally!
124
00:04:52,144 --> 00:04:53,769
Let's get back to it.
125
00:04:53,804 --> 00:04:55,651
Whip out that chalkboard,
big boy, show me
126
00:04:55,676 --> 00:04:56,939
what you're working with.
127
00:04:56,975 --> 00:05:00,276
Actually, I was going to head
into town and pick up some...
128
00:05:00,937 --> 00:05:02,003
blankets.
129
00:05:02,028 --> 00:05:03,479
Great, I'll grab my sweater.
130
00:05:03,547 --> 00:05:05,414
I can practice letting people
cut in front of me.
131
00:05:05,449 --> 00:05:07,416
You know, uh, I just realized
132
00:05:07,451 --> 00:05:10,952
that I have blankets,
so I'm going to take a nap
133
00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:13,288
using the several blankets
that I already have.
134
00:05:13,323 --> 00:05:14,555
Good night.
135
00:05:14,591 --> 00:05:16,009
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
136
00:05:16,025 --> 00:05:17,691
What's wrong? Out with it.
137
00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:20,060
I'm just tired, need a break.
No big deal.
138
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,046
The way you're talking to me right now?
139
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:25,090
"Everything's cool, no big
deal"... I know that move.
140
00:05:25,115 --> 00:05:27,566
When I told a boyfriend
something was "no big deal,"
141
00:05:27,636 --> 00:05:30,670
it meant anything from "I just
bought weed from your nephew,"
142
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,239
to "I secretly befriended your
ex-girlfriend last year,
143
00:05:33,264 --> 00:05:35,264
things got out of hand,
and now I'm her bridesmaid."
144
00:05:35,289 --> 00:05:36,476
Wow.
145
00:05:36,485 --> 00:05:39,468
Okay, well, in this case,
it really is no big deal.
146
00:05:39,492 --> 00:05:41,177
Dude, you're hiding something!
147
00:05:41,202 --> 00:05:43,685
- What's wrong?
- Nothing!
148
00:05:44,389 --> 00:05:47,760
What... is...
149
00:05:47,795 --> 00:05:49,795
wrong?
150
00:05:54,664 --> 00:05:56,453
_
151
00:05:58,030 --> 00:05:59,530
Jianyu second.
152
00:05:59,598 --> 00:06:02,631
Oh, well done, my love.
153
00:06:02,656 --> 00:06:04,671
So where am I?
154
00:06:04,707 --> 00:06:06,207
Eleanor... 6th?
155
00:06:06,393 --> 00:06:08,003
Come on.
156
00:06:16,681 --> 00:06:17,979
Oh, no.
157
00:06:18,014 --> 00:06:21,149
I'm second to last.
158
00:06:21,185 --> 00:06:22,984
Mummy, I made you this.
159
00:06:23,019 --> 00:06:25,353
It's the pretty bird
we saw in the garden.
160
00:06:25,389 --> 00:06:28,490
Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.
161
00:06:28,704 --> 00:06:30,704
I made a bird, as well.
162
00:06:30,729 --> 00:06:34,393
I worked in a reflective alloy,
holding up a mirror to mankind
163
00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:36,837
and its mistreatment of these
defenseless animals.
164
00:06:36,869 --> 00:06:38,669
Excellent, Kamilah.
165
00:06:38,705 --> 00:06:42,195
I sense the influence of
Brancusi and Kapoor.
166
00:06:42,220 --> 00:06:44,174
It seems you're moving out of
your structural period,
167
00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:46,176
and more into conceptual abstraction.
168
00:06:46,212 --> 00:06:47,403
Good eye, Mother.
169
00:06:47,428 --> 00:06:49,747
I grew tired of
objective representation.
170
00:06:49,772 --> 00:06:51,653
I trust my audience.
171
00:06:51,669 --> 00:06:53,172
My birdie has a hat.
172
00:06:53,197 --> 00:06:55,473
Yes, well done, Tahani.
173
00:06:56,963 --> 00:06:57,967
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
174
00:06:57,992 --> 00:06:59,219
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
175
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:00,758
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
176
00:07:00,783 --> 00:07:02,133
- Would you stop doing that?
- What's wrong?
177
00:07:02,158 --> 00:07:03,393
- Okay, fine!
- What's wrong?
178
00:07:03,409 --> 00:07:04,542
You want to know what's wrong?
179
00:07:04,585 --> 00:07:06,542
You are a full-time job.
180
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:08,276
I wake up, there's Eleanor.
181
00:07:08,301 --> 00:07:10,260
I spend all day teaching Eleanor.
182
00:07:10,285 --> 00:07:12,003
And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor."
183
00:07:12,028 --> 00:07:14,225
Oh, this is a nice dream,
my grandma's here.
184
00:07:14,261 --> 00:07:15,901
Wait, she's got Eleanor's face!
185
00:07:15,926 --> 00:07:17,507
And tentacles for some reason.
186
00:07:17,532 --> 00:07:19,730
I thought you liked teaching me.
187
00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:21,997
So now I'm just
some huge burden for you?
188
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:22,972
Yes!
189
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:23,972
Of course you are!
190
00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:25,340
I am in paradise!
191
00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:27,142
I should be doing paradise things,
192
00:07:27,177 --> 00:07:29,577
like rowing out on a lake
with a good bottle of wine,
193
00:07:29,602 --> 00:07:30,868
reading French poetry.
194
00:07:30,893 --> 00:07:33,093
That's your idea of paradise?
195
00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:35,516
You know, and I can't stop helping you,
196
00:07:35,552 --> 00:07:38,009
because then I am
shirking my ethical duty.
197
00:07:38,018 --> 00:07:39,594
It's an impossible position!
198
00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:41,385
You know what, if you're so
stressed from writing
199
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,487
on a chalkboard,
why don't you just leave?
200
00:07:43,522 --> 00:07:45,422
We can pretend to be
soul mates in public,
201
00:07:45,447 --> 00:07:47,198
but other than that, we don't
have to see each other!
202
00:07:47,226 --> 00:07:48,826
Fine with me! I'll move out right now.
203
00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:49,861
Fine!
204
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,269
Good afternoon.
205
00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:54,480
As you all may remember,
a sinkhole recently
206
00:07:54,485 --> 00:07:56,485
opened up in the town center.
207
00:07:56,554 --> 00:07:58,953
The situation, sadly, has worsened.
208
00:07:58,989 --> 00:08:01,155
Starting right now,
no one may go outside
209
00:08:01,224 --> 00:08:03,366
under any circumstances.
210
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,850
Leaving your homes could result
in catastrophic damage,
211
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:09,687
to you and to the very fabric
of the universe.
212
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,855
Okay, bye.
213
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,400
Or we could both just stay here.
214
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:19,745
We hope you enjoy your
eternal stay in the Good Place.
215
00:08:20,035 --> 00:08:23,153
Take advantage of our day spa,
or Janet...
216
00:08:23,363 --> 00:08:26,597
a magical assistant who can get
you whatever you want.
217
00:08:26,622 --> 00:08:28,156
You mind turning that off?
218
00:08:28,181 --> 00:08:29,846
It's been playing
on a loop for two days.
219
00:08:29,856 --> 00:08:32,323
The whole Neighborhood is offline.
220
00:08:32,358 --> 00:08:34,225
We only get the welcome channel.
221
00:08:34,294 --> 00:08:37,065
I would love to not watch TV,
222
00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:38,957
but you canceled school.
223
00:08:40,044 --> 00:08:42,628
What have you done to me, you monster?
224
00:08:43,026 --> 00:08:45,204
Look at all these dishes piling up.
225
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,957
I used to just throw them in the sink,
226
00:08:46,982 --> 00:08:49,308
and they'd be magically
cleaned by morning.
227
00:08:49,325 --> 00:08:50,893
I did that. I cleaned the dishes.
228
00:08:50,918 --> 00:08:52,192
Oh.
229
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,729
Then what's up with these bad boys?
230
00:08:53,754 --> 00:08:56,730
You are unbelievable.
231
00:08:56,765 --> 00:08:58,064
Are you still upset?
232
00:08:58,099 --> 00:08:59,700
- You're not over it yet?
- How can I be over it?
233
00:08:59,735 --> 00:09:02,536
We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.
234
00:09:02,571 --> 00:09:04,870
Well, it sounds like you've
had a really nice "vacation"
235
00:09:04,905 --> 00:09:06,309
from your "full-time job."
236
00:09:06,318 --> 00:09:07,697
Get your story straight, bro!
237
00:09:08,743 --> 00:09:11,109
Hey, guys, it's Michael.
238
00:09:11,794 --> 00:09:14,017
Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise.
239
00:09:14,042 --> 00:09:16,926
Oh, I'd love to make small
talk... I've been practicing, too.
240
00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:19,364
I'm amazing at it... but I'm in
a bit of a rush here.
241
00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:21,372
This is Bart and Nina.
242
00:09:21,397 --> 00:09:23,965
They live right next door
to the, uh, sinkhole,
243
00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:26,334
so they obviously need a place to stay.
244
00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:28,270
I was wondering, as my
assistant, maybe you could
245
00:09:28,305 --> 00:09:29,534
put them up for a while?
246
00:09:29,542 --> 00:09:30,977
Oh, of course.
247
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,079
Don't... don't think twice.
248
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:33,415
Okay, shouldn't take long.
249
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,146
Between an hour and, um...
250
00:09:35,181 --> 00:09:36,147
11 months.
251
00:09:36,182 --> 00:09:38,515
Somewhere in there. Okay, bye.
252
00:09:40,286 --> 00:09:41,752
Don't go outside.
253
00:09:43,522 --> 00:09:44,522
Ha...
254
00:09:49,228 --> 00:09:51,828
Hello, everyone,
and welcome to day three
255
00:09:51,853 --> 00:09:53,273
of our brunch siege.
256
00:09:53,282 --> 00:09:57,216
I stayed up all night to plan
a full day of fun activities.
257
00:09:57,286 --> 00:09:59,452
Just check the schedule I made.
258
00:09:59,488 --> 00:10:02,171
Tahani, you are truly the best.
259
00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:05,191
Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, Henriette?
260
00:10:07,896 --> 00:10:09,986
Still second to last.
261
00:10:15,636 --> 00:10:17,002
Tahani!
262
00:10:17,037 --> 00:10:20,673
This auction threatens to be
an embarrassing failure.
263
00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:23,125
5.2 million isn't bad.
264
00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:25,521
It's very "middle-thermometer."
265
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:29,852
Your public failure
is our public failure.
266
00:10:29,877 --> 00:10:32,210
You know what has to be done.
267
00:10:32,686 --> 00:10:34,929
I'm very pleased to announce
that there has been
268
00:10:34,954 --> 00:10:37,187
an addition to today's docket.
269
00:10:37,766 --> 00:10:41,035
I'm sure you all know
my sister, Kamilah.
270
00:10:43,739 --> 00:10:45,438
Yes. Kamilah.
271
00:10:45,506 --> 00:10:47,874
Kamilah, of course,
is the youngest person ever
272
00:10:47,909 --> 00:10:49,843
to graduate from Oxford University,
273
00:10:49,878 --> 00:10:53,746
she's a world-class painter,
social activist, iconoclast,
274
00:10:53,781 --> 00:10:57,217
Olympic gold medalist for archery,
275
00:10:57,252 --> 00:11:00,053
a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary
276
00:11:00,088 --> 00:11:02,287
on her Grammy Award-winning album,
277
00:11:02,356 --> 00:11:06,524
and the person voted
"Most Likely to be Banksy."
278
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,261
So without further ado,
279
00:11:09,296 --> 00:11:10,830
take it away from me!
280
00:11:10,855 --> 00:11:13,656
Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.
281
00:11:16,779 --> 00:11:19,126
I am auctioning off
a lunch date with me.
282
00:11:20,237 --> 00:11:23,650
The bidding shall commence
at £3 million.
283
00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:26,719
5 million!
284
00:11:34,062 --> 00:11:36,027
Thank you guys so much.
285
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,772
- Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh, bah.
286
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,421
Oh, well, if you want to know the truth,
287
00:11:40,429 --> 00:11:42,162
we asked Michael
if we could stay with you.
288
00:11:42,199 --> 00:11:44,432
We are obsessed with your relationship.
289
00:11:44,468 --> 00:11:47,435
Always whispering, locking
yourself in the house all day.
290
00:11:47,471 --> 00:11:50,338
I thought I was an expert in
true love 'cause of my old job,
291
00:11:50,373 --> 00:11:52,772
but I have a lot to learn from you guys.
292
00:11:52,808 --> 00:11:54,475
Your job? What was your job?
293
00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:55,976
I was a marriage counselor.
294
00:11:56,011 --> 00:11:58,969
You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships.
295
00:11:58,994 --> 00:12:00,093
And I did!
296
00:12:01,409 --> 00:12:04,033
It's called, "How to Spot
Problems in a Marriage
297
00:12:04,058 --> 00:12:05,457
From 100 Miles Away."
298
00:12:05,482 --> 00:12:07,002
Oh, cool.
299
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,119
- Really cool.
- Cool.
300
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,677
- Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.
301
00:12:09,682 --> 00:12:10,948
And what about you, Bart?
302
00:12:10,984 --> 00:12:13,144
Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly
as interesting.
303
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,761
I started a company that
investigated identity theft.
304
00:12:15,797 --> 00:12:18,030
Analyzing body language,
tracking and catching people
305
00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:19,665
pretending to be someone they're not.
306
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:21,767
It's... pssh, snooze, am I right?
307
00:12:23,938 --> 00:12:25,036
They're gonna catch us!
308
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:27,358
This is an extremely
precarious situation!
309
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,733
I am vexed, Eleanor!
310
00:12:28,768 --> 00:12:31,171
A marriage counselor
and a human lie detector
311
00:12:31,196 --> 00:12:33,404
isn't my first choice
for company, either.
312
00:12:33,439 --> 00:12:35,906
But they have no reason to suspect us!
313
00:12:35,941 --> 00:12:39,744
Plus, I think they may have
actually just come here
314
00:12:39,779 --> 00:12:42,835
to, you know, swing.
315
00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:44,360
I say we do it.
316
00:12:44,374 --> 00:12:45,806
It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.
317
00:12:45,851 --> 00:12:48,352
No, I am not going to
have sex with someone
318
00:12:48,387 --> 00:12:50,354
to get them to stop talking to me!
319
00:12:50,389 --> 00:12:52,523
Really? You and I are very different.
320
00:12:52,558 --> 00:12:53,757
Yeah, I noticed!
321
00:12:53,825 --> 00:12:55,192
You know what, man?
322
00:12:55,227 --> 00:12:57,090
I have spent every second in this place
323
00:12:57,115 --> 00:12:58,194
worried I was gonna get caught,
324
00:12:58,229 --> 00:12:59,695
but if we go down right now,
325
00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:01,264
that's on you, okay?
326
00:13:01,332 --> 00:13:03,232
Oh, you spend all your time teaching a
327
00:13:03,268 --> 00:13:04,534
charming, awesome lady?
328
00:13:04,569 --> 00:13:06,853
How sad for you. Face it, dude.
329
00:13:06,878 --> 00:13:08,704
I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you.
330
00:13:08,739 --> 00:13:10,506
Because guess what, Chidi?
331
00:13:10,531 --> 00:13:13,311
- Ya basic!
- Eleanor...
332
00:13:13,319 --> 00:13:15,319
Yeah, I know, you want to do
that thing where we're
333
00:13:15,353 --> 00:13:17,320
arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like,
334
00:13:17,355 --> 00:13:19,355
"Whoa, this is hot,"
and we start making out.
335
00:13:19,390 --> 00:13:20,522
Dream on!
336
00:13:20,558 --> 00:13:21,975
Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.
337
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,365
No, Eleanor, look.
338
00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:31,734
So how much of that did you hear?
339
00:13:31,759 --> 00:13:33,485
We couldn't hear you,
but I'm an expert in
340
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:35,352
non-verbal communication,
and it is clear...
341
00:13:35,377 --> 00:13:36,843
you are in conflict.
342
00:13:36,868 --> 00:13:38,200
We're not judging you.
343
00:13:38,236 --> 00:13:39,935
This has been a tough couple of weeks.
344
00:13:40,004 --> 00:13:42,705
I'm sure the stress of the
sinkhole has caused
345
00:13:42,741 --> 00:13:44,407
lots of soul mate squabbles.
346
00:13:44,442 --> 00:13:46,509
Yes, that's what it is.
347
00:13:46,544 --> 00:13:47,610
A squabble.
348
00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:49,344
- We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble!
349
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:50,580
I can help.
350
00:13:50,605 --> 00:13:53,782
I'm gonna take your relationship
and put it under a microscope
351
00:13:53,851 --> 00:13:56,885
and dig and poke and prod
352
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,944
until you are back to soul mate harmony.
353
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,356
Eleanor, why don't you...
354
00:14:01,392 --> 00:14:04,593
She never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.
355
00:14:04,628 --> 00:14:06,761
We just have different interests.
356
00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:09,563
I like relaxing, he likes
getting on my case
357
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,631
about the dishes.
358
00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:12,566
I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.
359
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,951
I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.
360
00:14:14,976 --> 00:14:19,006
- You are hiding something.
- What on earth would I be...
361
00:14:19,031 --> 00:14:20,965
No, no, no, not you.
362
00:14:21,626 --> 00:14:23,314
Him.
363
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:26,979
Please go back inside.
364
00:14:27,015 --> 00:14:29,324
It isn't safe to be out of your home.
365
00:14:29,426 --> 00:14:31,093
Please go back inside.
366
00:14:31,128 --> 00:14:33,027
Janet, could you see what's wrong?
367
00:14:33,097 --> 00:14:34,596
Everything.
368
00:14:34,631 --> 00:14:36,331
Ugh.
369
00:14:37,923 --> 00:14:39,189
My goodness!
370
00:14:39,214 --> 00:14:40,313
It's even worse than I thought.
371
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,938
Tahani, what're you doing here?
372
00:14:41,963 --> 00:14:43,914
Well, everyone else might be
okay staying inside,
373
00:14:43,939 --> 00:14:45,383
but I wanted to help.
374
00:14:45,408 --> 00:14:47,721
So I've brought some cheer
and sustenance
375
00:14:47,746 --> 00:14:48,994
to raise your spirits.
376
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,511
Look, I made donut holes.
377
00:14:50,546 --> 00:14:52,613
Do you get it? "Donut holes"?
378
00:14:52,648 --> 00:14:54,281
Sinkhole.
379
00:14:54,317 --> 00:14:56,551
- Funny, no?
- No, too soon.
380
00:14:56,576 --> 00:14:58,129
By exactly nine days.
381
00:14:58,154 --> 00:15:01,381
Tahani, this sinkhole
is incredibly dangerous.
382
00:15:01,406 --> 00:15:02,983
If a human gets too close to it,
383
00:15:03,008 --> 00:15:05,008
there could be disastrous side effects.
384
00:15:06,679 --> 00:15:08,579
What's... what's happening to me?
385
00:15:08,647 --> 00:15:10,013
Oh, that's one of the side effects.
386
00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:12,516
Janet, knock her out
while we still have time.
387
00:15:12,551 --> 00:15:13,883
Knock me out? What does that...
388
00:15:13,918 --> 00:15:15,351
Boop.
389
00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:20,923
Guys, really, it's no big deal.
390
00:15:20,992 --> 00:15:23,893
"It's not a big deal"
is nearly always code
391
00:15:23,928 --> 00:15:25,895
for "something is wrong."
392
00:15:25,930 --> 00:15:27,823
Boom! That's what I said.
393
00:15:27,848 --> 00:15:29,337
I should've been a marriage counselor.
394
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,378
Okay, Chidi, out with it.
395
00:15:31,403 --> 00:15:34,516
What is so unsatisfying about
your soul mate relationship?
396
00:15:34,541 --> 00:15:36,156
Be honest, Chidi.
397
00:15:36,181 --> 00:15:40,719
Be, like, the exact
right amount of honest
398
00:15:40,744 --> 00:15:43,307
so that we can both be happy.
399
00:15:44,604 --> 00:15:47,948
I never had a soul mate on earth.
400
00:15:47,983 --> 00:15:50,684
I-I never even really had
401
00:15:50,753 --> 00:15:53,854
a girlfriend that I "loved."
402
00:15:53,923 --> 00:15:55,783
And when I got here,
and Michael said I would
403
00:15:55,808 --> 00:15:58,174
finally meet my actual soul mate,
404
00:15:58,198 --> 00:15:59,631
I was so excited.
405
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,252
And it isn't...
406
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,752
exactly... what I thought.
407
00:16:06,553 --> 00:16:09,454
You've never had
an intense relationship before.
408
00:16:09,479 --> 00:16:11,642
This is all uncharted territory.
409
00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:14,478
No wonder you're so tense.
410
00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:18,816
You know, Nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.
411
00:16:18,851 --> 00:16:20,851
Uh, not erotic massage.
412
00:16:20,886 --> 00:16:23,252
Although, it can be, and it
often leads there, anyway...
413
00:16:23,322 --> 00:16:25,221
Okay, well, you know what?
414
00:16:25,256 --> 00:16:27,935
You guys have given us
so much to think about.
415
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,193
And I think we should go to bed.
416
00:16:29,218 --> 00:16:31,521
Just the two of us, alone. Just us.
417
00:16:31,546 --> 00:16:33,632
I know it's not
the right time, but I told you.
418
00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:36,936
Tahani, wake up, dear.
419
00:16:36,972 --> 00:16:38,623
Michael.
420
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:40,874
Did it work?
421
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,651
Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?
422
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:46,725
No, you did something
catastrophically stupid
423
00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:48,374
and we had to knock you unconscious.
424
00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:51,000
Why in the world did you go outside?
425
00:16:51,027 --> 00:16:54,027
Because I saw the rankings
in the manual.
426
00:16:54,063 --> 00:16:56,330
That manual is only meant to be seen by
427
00:16:56,365 --> 00:16:57,998
Architects and Janets.
428
00:16:58,033 --> 00:17:00,438
It's got some very sensitive material.
429
00:17:00,463 --> 00:17:02,814
Plus some song lyrics
I've been working on,
430
00:17:02,839 --> 00:17:04,469
and I'd rather not let people see those
431
00:17:04,494 --> 00:17:05,774
until they're finished.
432
00:17:06,909 --> 00:17:11,277
Anyway, why did seeing the
rankings unravel you so?
433
00:17:13,381 --> 00:17:17,093
I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.
434
00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:20,419
Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.
435
00:17:20,454 --> 00:17:23,156
"To Kamilah, we have left £68 million,
436
00:17:23,224 --> 00:17:25,725
"the home in Kensington, the yacht,
437
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,293
and other assorted weekend boats."
438
00:17:28,328 --> 00:17:31,274
Well, what did they leave
their second favorite child?
439
00:17:31,299 --> 00:17:33,264
There's still quite a lot of money
440
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:35,227
and property that goes to you.
441
00:17:35,252 --> 00:17:37,502
There is one issue, however.
442
00:17:37,537 --> 00:17:41,073
They have, um, spelled your
name incorrectly in the will.
443
00:17:41,141 --> 00:17:42,540
You've got to be kidding me.
444
00:17:42,576 --> 00:17:46,310
It says, "We bequeath the rest
of our estate to Tahini."
445
00:17:46,345 --> 00:17:47,511
Like the sauce.
446
00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:49,080
You know what?
447
00:17:49,148 --> 00:17:50,568
I don't want the money.
448
00:17:50,593 --> 00:17:53,084
My sister can have it all.
449
00:17:53,144 --> 00:17:56,412
My whole life,
I have lived in your shadow,
450
00:17:56,489 --> 00:17:58,748
but now I'm going to step out of it.
451
00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:02,474
I am going to reach heights of
success and sophistication
452
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,099
that you can only dream of.
453
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:05,701
Your cardigan's on inside out.
454
00:18:05,726 --> 00:18:07,230
I know!
455
00:18:07,265 --> 00:18:10,166
It's a new trend that I am starting.
456
00:18:10,201 --> 00:18:11,668
Just one example of how I'm going to
457
00:18:11,703 --> 00:18:13,202
step out of your shadow.
458
00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:18,470
Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at
the rankings, Michael.
459
00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:21,510
But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.
460
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:24,810
My entire life, I have tried
to be extraordinary,
461
00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:26,491
but it just never seemed to be enough.
462
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,092
Ah.
463
00:18:28,117 --> 00:18:30,452
And you thought you could
increase your ranking
464
00:18:30,487 --> 00:18:33,923
by helping us fix the sinkhole.
465
00:18:33,958 --> 00:18:38,426
Tahani, the point evaluations
stop the moment you die.
466
00:18:38,461 --> 00:18:42,196
But also, out of literally billions,
467
00:18:42,265 --> 00:18:46,367
you were one of the most
remarkable people on Earth.
468
00:18:46,436 --> 00:18:50,137
You have nothing left to prove,
to anyone.
469
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:52,167
Hi, there.
470
00:18:52,192 --> 00:18:54,274
The sinkhole has begun to repair itself.
471
00:18:54,309 --> 00:18:55,809
It has?
472
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:56,916
- Could it be...
- But how...
473
00:18:56,941 --> 00:18:57,913
Did I...?
474
00:18:57,938 --> 00:19:00,181
- "Tahani saves the un..."
- No, no, no.
475
00:19:00,215 --> 00:19:01,869
Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.
476
00:19:01,894 --> 00:19:03,349
We've got to leave immediately.
477
00:19:04,486 --> 00:19:06,408
It's now safe to go outside.
478
00:19:07,822 --> 00:19:09,743
It's now safe to go outside.
479
00:19:09,768 --> 00:19:11,134
_
480
00:19:11,159 --> 00:19:13,073
It's now safe to go outside.
481
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,529
- Morning, teach!
- Morning.
482
00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:19,331
What's this about?
483
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:21,033
Well, here's what I realized.
484
00:19:21,069 --> 00:19:23,502
It's not just that helping me
is a full-time job
485
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,972
that you feel you have to do.
486
00:19:26,007 --> 00:19:28,506
The real problem is,
that the more you help me,
487
00:19:28,541 --> 00:19:31,076
the greater the chance is
that I can stay here,
488
00:19:31,144 --> 00:19:33,177
and me staying here means
489
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,247
you'll never get a real soul mate.
490
00:19:36,316 --> 00:19:39,501
I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.
491
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:42,654
Every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.
492
00:19:42,689 --> 00:19:46,389
So every time the simple fact
of my existence
493
00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:48,522
starts to bum you out,
494
00:19:49,394 --> 00:19:51,334
I want you to hold this up.
495
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,021
_
496
00:19:53,046 --> 00:19:55,732
At which point, I will leave you alone
497
00:19:56,201 --> 00:19:57,534
for as long as you need.
498
00:19:57,569 --> 00:20:02,005
I know we'll never be soul
mates, but we're friends.
499
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,241
Now get in this boat and read
some boring French poetry.
500
00:20:16,087 --> 00:20:18,120
I... I've never actually
done this before.
501
00:20:18,188 --> 00:20:19,955
This is a theoretical fantasy.
502
00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:21,870
How do you row a boat?
503
00:20:22,693 --> 00:20:24,026
I'll tell ya, it's good as new.
504
00:20:24,061 --> 00:20:25,393
Go ahead, if you want, just... here.
505
00:20:25,428 --> 00:20:26,528
Whoo! See?
506
00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:27,696
You can jump up and down on it.
507
00:20:27,731 --> 00:20:30,132
Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole.
508
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,467
Yup, good as new. Crisis averted.
509
00:20:32,536 --> 00:20:33,969
Everybody have a wonderful day,
510
00:20:34,038 --> 00:20:36,470
because I fixed the sinkhole.
511
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,973
- I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry?
512
00:20:39,042 --> 00:20:41,275
I tried and I tried, but nothing worked.
513
00:20:41,310 --> 00:20:42,576
And then all of a sudden...
514
00:20:42,611 --> 00:20:44,578
this morning, out of the blue,
it just... whoop!
515
00:20:44,613 --> 00:20:47,281
It just closed over.
516
00:20:47,316 --> 00:20:48,983
Huh.
517
00:20:49,052 --> 00:20:50,651
How 'bout that?
518
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,418
Well, as your assistant,
519
00:20:52,453 --> 00:20:54,665
I officially declare this good news.
520
00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:57,223
No, this is terrible news!
521
00:20:57,258 --> 00:20:59,659
I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor.
522
00:20:59,728 --> 00:21:02,095
And no idea what fixed it.
523
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:05,264
I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.
524
00:21:05,299 --> 00:21:09,045
You and I are gonna find this problem.
525
00:21:09,070 --> 00:21:14,070
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
38526
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