All language subtitles for Quark.S01E01.Quark.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_Subtitles01_English.ENG

Man: Hold on it.

Easy. Lock scanners.

Women: Scanners locked.

Activate autograb.

Autograb activated.

Watch him.

Careful.

Gene.

Aye, aye, sir. We've got him.

Quark: Are we on
full magnascope?

Yes, my commander.

Kill the automatic.

Sir?

Put it on manual.

I want this baby myself.

He's all yours, commander.

Ooh! I get so excited!

What?

Well
done, commander.

Give me a countdown
to ejection time.

Women: 12, 11,
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...

- Here we go.
- 3, 2, 1, 0!

Commander: That's
it! Mission completed!

We've cleaned up all
the trash in the milky way.

Now put her on astrotrack,
and let's get out of here.

Man: Good afternoon, and welcome

to the bicentennial
of the founding

of this space station
known as perma one.

I want to thank you all,
ladies, gentlemen, humanoids,

multiforms,
polymorphopods, genunites,

pongwans, transpodulites.

As you know, I am
Dr. Otto palindrome,

superintendent and
chief of perma one,

and if I may quote
from the first amendment

to our confederation's
declaration of unity,

you are all equally welcome
here regardless of species,

life system, ecomass, or shape.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

On the other side
of this transpanel,

you can share in the Serenity
of our command center,

the operations room where
those whom you have appointed

to govern our system
and its way of life

work tirelessly and calmly
to preserve and maintain

universal Harmony.

Until now.

Quark signing on.

To augment my official
sanitation patrol reports,

I have decided to keep
a diary of my adventures,

assuming of course that
I have any adventures.

First, my name is Adam quark,

commander of this ship.

Oh, sorry old,
fella. Almost forgot.

Ready for your dinner, old pal?

Ok. Come on, come on.

Come and get it. Come on.

Come on, come on.

Agh! Too tight, pal! Too tight!

Ahhhhh!

Here's your dinner.
Here's your dinner!

Ugh.

Agh.

Good boy, ergo. That's the way.

Eat them up. Eat them up.

To continue, my crew.

The second-in-command
position is held jointly

by Betty...

And Betty.

One of them is a clone,

an artificial,
laboratory-created

identical twin of the other.

I'm extremely fond of Betty.

If only I knew
which Betty it was

that I am extremely fond of.

Our chief engineer
is a transmute gene

or as he or she is
sometimes called... Jean.

Our research and
equipment specialist is

the eminent scientist o.B. Mudd,

who lost an eye some years ago

when he went to
sleep for several hours

while looking into
his microscope.

In his spare time, he
usually works on Andy,

a servo-mechanical Android

that he is determined
to perfect... Someday.

I myself am just
an ordinary human,

air-breathing, homo sapiens
descended from inhabitants

of planet earth...
Now abandoned.

Ohh.

Ergo, no wall. Down, ergo.

Down, ergo. Good.

Good boy, ergo.

Ahem. My ancestors were members
of a subgroup called Americans.

Archeological diggings
made in the western

and southern sections
of their country indicate

that the so-called Americans
worshipped and perhaps

were governed
by a fully clothed,

English-speaking mouse.

You've had your dinner, fella.

Time for beddy now.

As our new orbit moves
us toward ursa major

in the m-82 sector,
I would like to close

by saying i...

Uh, uh, uh, I would like

to close by saying...

Uh, I would just like
to close by... by say...

Quark signing off.

Stay, ergo. Stay.

He's not gonna stay.

Thank you, Betty.
Thank you, Betty.

That's enough brushing off.
That's enough brushing off.

That's an order.
That's an order.

All right. Let's
get back to work.

- Interface.
- Give me the head, please.

Interface.

Give me the head, please!

I am not deaf.

Interface, this is an emergency.

Would you please hurry?

I've only got 4 hands, you know.

Head: Yes? Palindrome: Oh, heh.

Palindrome here, sir.
Sorry to disturb you.

That's all right, palindrome.

I was just, as usual, thinking.

Sir, we've, uh, got a bit
of a headache down here.

Don't tell me about
headaches, palindrome.

- No, sir.
- I wrote the book on headaches.

Yes, sir.

Just give me the facts.

An extraordinarily
large explosion

from the m-82 sector
seems to have propelled

an enzyme cloud clear
through ursa major's

gravity field.

It's practically pure protein,

and it's metabolizing
everything in its path,

including gravity.

I suppose you're going to
tell me this enzyme thing

is going to hit us full on

and turn us all into little
bitty meson particles.

Mmm. At about
1500 hours tomorrow.

I... I'm sorry, sir. I
know how you feel.

Can you imagine a migraine
the size of a supernova?

Uh, no, sir.

Then you don't know how I feel.

All right. Have we got
any ships in that sector?

- Uh, just one, sir.
- Who's in command?

Adam quark.

That's the worst news yet.

What cargo is he carrying?

200,000 tons of
compressed space garbage.

Wonderful.

Oh! Quark's not totally
inexperienced, sir.

He did see active service

during the
sagittarius rebellion.

Uh, wasn't he
captured by the enemy?

Oh. Yes, sir. By the solanites.

Animated, mildly
intelligent vegetables.

Tubers actually.

Quark was taken
prisoner by a unit

of dissident potatoes.

Sir, if quark could move
his ship into the center

of that enzyme cloud
and set off his own

reactor system...

And create a nuclear implosion.

Yes, it might work.

Of course it would
mean certain death

for everybody on board.

Head: This is a
tough one, palindrome,

but as you know, one
of the responsibilities

of those in charge
sometimes is to order

the sacrifice of the few,
uh, for the sake of the many.

Palindrome: Yes, sir.

Particularly when
those in charge

are among the many.

I'll see you below, Adam.

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I'll see you below, Adam.

Of course, yeah.

Have you finished the
autosystem checkout?

Checkout completed.
Power load is at maximum.

- Good.
- Lunar and solar readings

- on full mesh.
- Good.

Orbit program is locked in.

- Good.
- And guess what.

What?

I've almost
finished my needlepoint.

It's lovely, isn't it, doc?

Oh, boy. Request permission
to speak to the commander.

- What is it?
- Alone.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I'll see you
below, commander.

You ought to take it
easy on gene, doc.

I don't like transmutes.

Transmutes are just
like everyone else

except of course for
the fact that they have

a full set of male and
female chromosomes.

Would you let your
brother or sister marry one?

Just tell me what's
on your mind, doc?

I'm requesting a transfer.

I want to get away from
the sanitation business

while I'm still young.

Look, doc. I know how you feel,

but we've got a job
to do that's just as big

and as important as any other.

Besides, where
would you transfer to?

We're 17 light years from
the nearest space station.

Let me out. I'll walk.

Ohh!

Palindrome: Sir,
quark's ship has moved

into the perimeter
of the enzyme cloud.

We can't make
normal voice contact.

Head: And what do you suggest?

An emergency lasergram.
I've already written one up,

but I have to have
your authority.

Get the interface operator.

Yes, sir.

Interface.

Head: This is the
head. I want to send

an emergency lasergram
to the m-82 sector.

That's awfully far.

We know that, interface.

That would be
$422,000 for 10 words

and $68,000 for
each additional word.

What is the message, please?

16 words, palindrome?

Well, we can cut "dear."

- Everything all right?
- Eh.

How's it going, Andy?

Everything is fine, mank you.

- "Mank you"?
- You're melcome.

Yes, I see, and how do you feel?

Andy: I feel wonder...
I feel wonder...

I feel wonder...

Ful.

You're getting there.

- Commander.
- What is it?

Look at this. We've
got a spectrum reading

that's gone right off the graph.

Something's coming
this way, something big,

and it's not solid.

It's emitting a totally
varied wave cycle.

A totally varied wave cycle.

Do you understand
what that means?

What does it mean?

I wish I knew.

What would happen if it hit us?

At best, the ship
would be atomized,

and we'd all be turned
into instant space jelly.

Of course, that's
looking on the bright side.

Isn't there a chance
you could be mistaken?

Yes.

Uh, no.

Time to ingest.
What's on the menu?

Special treat
tonight, commander.

All your favorites...
Hearts of plankton,

hot space biscuits...

Puree of astrogerm
and moon snails flambé.

What about a moistening agent?

Chateau alio from the great
bear constellation, 2117.

Mmm. A great century for wine.

Ahh. That's what
I call ingestion.

Now we're all set
for a nice, long nap.

Bettys: Mmm.

- Commander quark.
- Yes, gene?

How long do you
want the cryogeno pod

auto timer set for?

Well, let's see.
This is April 4.

Set them for full energy
restoration on June 3.

- Right.
- At 7 A.M.

That early?

That's two months from now.

Well, a gal
needs her beauty sleep.

Mudd, effeminate: I suppose
you want to be tucked in.

Gene: You come near
me, you'll end up looking

through two patches,
you got that, mudd?

Quark: All right. Knock it off.

Jean: Big bully.

What do you got, doc?

Don't know yet.
New sample findings.

I want to look at them
under the stellarscope.

I'm gonna check the gyro
channel before I turn in.

Mudd: Good. Oh.

Quark: What is
it? See something?

No. Nothing at
all. It's all black.

Quark: Other eye, doc.

What? Oh! Yes.

Andy: My name is
Andy. What is your name?

Please tell me your name.

I think you are very attractive.

Won't you speak to me?

Andy, no! Stop that!

Come with me,
Andy. That is not a toy.

It's the garbage control.

That is a very important
piece of expensive machinery.

Yes, but isn't she cute?

Whoa! Whoa!

Both: What was that?!

It's all right. Nothing
to worry about.

What was that?!

That's the big thing
that's coming this way!

It's creating a gravity warp.

Shouldn't we take
evasive action?

It wouldn't do any good.

It's faster than we are.

Give it to me straight, doc!

What would you
do if you were me?

Pack!

Betty: Commander.

- Yes, Betty?
- Whatever happens,

I'm proud to be sharing
the experience with you.

Thank you, Betty.

You like me a
little bit, don't you?

Oh, more than just a little bit.

- More than her?
- Well...

Because she's only a clone.

I'm the real person.

- She is not! It's not true!
- Easy, Betty.

She was made from a cell

that came from underneath
my fingernail. Honest!

Yes, yes. Oh, I believe you.

- Adam.
- Hmm?

I'm even prouder to be
sharing this experience

with you than she is

because as someone once said

death is the greatest
adventure, you know?

Sure, but you have to
remember that whoever said it

probably wasn't
dead at the time.

Mudd: Quark!

Coming!

Look. We must be
inside the thing now.

If those hydrochemical
readings are correct,

it's as though we're
being... Digested.

By jiminy, that's it!

It's some kind of protein
hydrolyzing amino producer.

What does it mean?!

I'm not quite sure,

but it's got a nice ring to it.

Head: Ok. I think we've got it.

Let's cut out the "good luck."

It seems superfluous anyway.

Interface, we've got
it down to 10 words.

It's about time.

What is the message, please?

Head: Palindrome, I'll
put the lasergram through.

You watch those
command table readouts

and keep me informed.

I want to know
if quark makes it.

And if he doesn't?

Uh... lie.

Mudd: Quark, load control
is flashing emergency.

Where's Andy?

If we drop that cargo,
we'll be torn apart!

Don't leave me!

Andy!

I love you! I need
you! I want you!

Quark: No! Stop! No! Andy, no!

You just dumped 200,000
tons of astrotrash and...

Look, commander. It's that
cloud of protein hydrolyzing...

Whatever I said it was.

It's gone after the cargo.

It's having the
feast of its life.

And moving in a
completely different direction

away from our solar system,

away from our civilization,

away from everything
we hold dear...

Mostly us.

Commander, it's an
emergency lasergram...

From perma one!

"Quark, blow your
reactor and save galaxy.

Nice knowing you."

You know...

If Andy hadn't dumped that load,

we would all be extremely dead.

Heh. We owe our lives
to that plucky jumble

of spare parts.

Good, old Andy!

You're not gonna be just
any ordinary servo mechanism.

I'm gonna program
you to genius level.

You'll learn to
think like we do.

Betty one: We'll teach
you to speak like we do.

Betty two: And
behave like we do.

Quark: In fact, Andy, when
we get through with you,

you'll be just like us.

What do you think of that?

Andy: Let me out!

Let me out!

What happened? I
woke up, and no one was around.

I was so frightened.

Won't you tell me what happened?

- Get away from me.
- Doc.

Please.

We had a little trouble
back there, gene,

but we straightened
everything out.

In fact, we were
probably responsible

for saving the entire galaxy.

Yeah? Well,
it's a mess down below.

The load control box is
in the middle of the cabin.

Andy: That is my fiancé.

What's he babbling about?

Oh, nothing really.

Hey! It's his fiancée.

Are we talking about
the load control box?

Andy: Miss load control box.

That robot is sick.

But it is romantic.

Interface: Perma one to
quark. Perma one to quark.

- This is quark.
- Who?

- Quark.
- What?

This is quark!

All right. You
don't have to yell.

Dr. Palindrome, I have
commander quark for you.

Quark, I have a message
for you and your crew

from the head himself.

Yes, sir.

Congratulations
for your superb work

in the face of
indescribable danger.

A grateful galaxy salutes you.

You are directed to
proceed with your ship

to stellar quadrant 7 and
look for signs of trouble.

Your permanent mission
now is to scour the universe.

Now we're going
to see some action.

Palindrome: Oh,
and... and, quark.

- Yes, sir?
- On your way to quadrant 7,

would you swing by the
small cloud of Magellan?

They haven't had a
pickup there in two weeks,

and there are space
baggies everywhere.

All right. You all heard that.

Let's start scouring
the universe.

Andy... we owe this all to you.

- Mank you.
- Thank you.

You're melcome.

All right. Let's get
this ship moving.

You know, doc, I
really believe that some

higher consciousness
that manipulates

the infinite pattern
of cause and effect

must have selected
us to play this vital role.

At least that's once
way of looking at it.

Or it's just pure dumb luck.

That's the other way.