All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 1x17 - The Night the Dragon Screamed.EN

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The merchandise
has arrived.

We only ordered 12.

There are 13 here.

One of them
is a spy.

Kill them all!

"The Order
of the Crimson Dragon.

"The tong originated in
the northern provinces of China.

"Reputed to be centered
in the Hunan province

"and long outlawed by the ruler,

"His Celestial Majesty,
Prince Shikai.

"A proven membership
in the sect,

bringing the automatic
death penalty."

Well, at least
we've identified

the lady's political
affiliation,

but what else
did we get?

Oh, one of our
fellow passengers

gave me a great recipe
for Cantonese egg roll.

Well,
at least we know

they're coming
from Hunan province.

Great.

The opium is
coming in from China.

Yeah, that doesn't narrow
it down too much, does it?

I can understand
the opium,

but where are all those coolies
disappearing to?

Maybe they're being used
to stuff fortune cookies.

Oh, come on, Jim.

It's not all
a total loss.

After all, uh, we did
help the police

get three bales of opium.

That's not pea pods
and bean sprouts.

And it's not enough, either.

Well, one thing's for sure.

This is a lot bigger
than any tong war.

Hatchets and daggers
and poison,

but a Gatling gun...

The Crimson Dragons
have gone modern.

So the Crimson Dragons

can wipe out the Sons
of the Stalking Tiger wholesale.

Maybe the Stalking Tiger
would like to follow suit.

Artemus, if you were to pose as
an illegal armament salesman...

And walk right
into the middle

of all of those hatchets
and poisoned darts...

Oh, if we were
successful,

we might discover some
highly unusual information.

Yeah, and if
we weren't,

we'd be pulling me out
of San Francisco Bay.

What do you think Washington
pays you the big money for

and surrounds you
in all this luxury?

I thought it was because
I had charm.

What's this?

I don't know.

It came in this
afternoon's mail.

Nobody sends me
a surprise.

Here, you open it.

Oh, thank you
very much.

The inscrutable Oriental
mind being what it is,

the honor's all yours.

Well, break it open.

There may be
a coolie in there.

"In the house
of delights,

even the painful truth
is sugar sweet."

I'll drink to that...
whatever it means.

It means that my assignment
is going to prove

to be a lot more
interesting than yours.

I've heard it rumored

that in the house
of delights,

even a painful truth
is sugar sweet.

What's your opinion?

Pardon?

I not understand.

We both know that
this restaurant

is just a front
for an opium parlor.

I realize that
I'm a stranger,

but if the price
were right,

do you think you could
arrange an appointment?

Your words have
much beauty in them,

but they are wasted on
this uneducated handmaiden.

Allow me,

and I will send you one
who's better qualified

to discuss the subject
you have raised.

Please, somebody, help me!

Help me!

Help!

Please, somebody,
help me!

Please, somebody,
help me!

Please.

Help me...

please.

Estimable one,
how may this most miserable

and unworthy creature express
his inexpressible gratitude

for such an act
of charitable mercy?

By talking.

Oh, I will talk.

You see before you one
who was the fastest hatchet man

in all Far East,

but whose life has become
a tedious chronicle

of excessive failures.

Better if you had left me
to the knives.

I'm beginning
to agree with you.

Even this job-
a simple assassination,

a cut-and-dry piecework,
as it were,

the sort of enterprise
I once would have spit on-

and even so,
I bungled it.

Well, you saw.

Was it not a disgrace?

If it's true
that an Oriental

can't get to heaven
without his pigtail,

you better forget
your life story

and start talking.

Who hired you,
the tong?

No, they shunned me
like an odious outcast.

It was the contractor.

Contractor.

A man who functions on behalf
of itinerant hatchet men

for a percentage
of their salaries.

Oh, it's
a thriving business.

If you and I
were together...

Never mind that.

Why did someone
want me assassinated?

Well, there were rumors

of a shadowy figure
of great power,

of tremendous treachery-
an Englishman.

They say his heart
as black as onyx.

Have you not heard of him?

No.

But the contractor
would know.

Where do I find him?

Number seven
Nightingale Lane.

He has a shop.

His name is Quong Wai.

Please, I tried
to kill you,

but it was
nothing personal.

Oh, of course not.

All in a day's work.

You're excused.

I don't need you anymore.

Oh, but we cannot
separate.

Surely you are aware
of ancient Chinese custom-

he who saves another's life

is forevermore responsible
for that life.

Henceforth,

I mean to abide as closely
with you as your own shadow.

Mr. West?

Uh, Mr. West not here.

This unworthy one
speak only Cantonese

and some
little English.

Uh, yes.

Have message for Mr. West-

very private...

very personal.

Chop, chop.

Uh...

Uh, there was something else?

This most unworthy person
was informed

there would be some small token

for favor received.

Oh... oh, yes, oh, yes.

One of these days I've got
to stop answering that door.

Oh, they don't
pay enough for this job.

Bet you can't break that one.

Surprise!

All right, Charlie, don't...

Sorry, Mr. Gordon.

This most
unfortunate condition

will disappear quickly.

The only effects will
be a severe headache.

Our independent
contractor?

The late Quong Wai.

Quite a distinctive
calling card.

The Order of
the Crimson Dragon.

Don't move.

Again you saved this
miserable creature's...

unworthy life!

I'm beginning
to wonder why.

I was told you were
resourceful, Mr. West.

It pleases me to see that my
informants did not mislead me.

And mine have been falling down
on the job.

Wang Chung.

My, uh, therapeutic diversions.

Happily, I have a most
unorthodox physician.

I must get his name.

I have been following
your activities

with unflagging interest.

Oh?

I refer
to your probing

of the alien and opium smuggling

in behalf of your government.

Your informants have been busy.

In my awesomely
lengthy lifetime,

I have been many things,
Mr. West,

including prime minister
to the House of Ching

in the province of Hunan.

Hunan? The birthplace of the
Order of the Crimson Dragon.

It is I who am
impressed, Mr. West.

But perhaps
you do not know

that the emperor
replaced

this organization
of assassins

with a new tong, the Sons
of the Stalking Tiger.

Which you represent.

Exactly.

Unfortunately,
Emperor Wu

has finally surrendered
the thread of life

to which he has so long clung.

My condolences.

In the absence

of any accredited
heir apparent...

the royal throne was, uh-

well, as you Americans
put it- up for grabs.

There is a point here somewhere.

There is.

An evil man
has determined

for his own
selfish reasons

to seize the throne
of the late emperor.

An Englishman, with
a heart as black as onyx.

You are better informed than I thought.

His name is
Clive Allenby-Smythe.

He is the man you
and your government

have so exhaustively
sought.

I'm listening.

Smythe served in China
for 17 years

with Her Majesty's dragoons
before being ignobly cashiered.

He promptly
dropped from sight,

was eventually
presumed dead.

But two things kept him alive-

his hatred for Britain
and his secret.

Don't tell me- there's a true
claimant to the Hunan throne.

The true successor
is Princess Ching Ling.

And it's Smythe's plan
to take over the throne,

hand it over to the princess

with him pulling the puppet
strings, of course.

An ambition which requires
both money and manpower.

The opium and the coolies.

There's just one flaw
in this elaborate design.

He does not know the whereabouts
of Princess Ching.

And without her,
his plan can't succeed.

It is no longer safe

for the princess
to remain in this country.

Since she wishes no part of
Allenby-Smythe's bizarre plot,

I have determined
to remove her to China at once.

The ship sails at midnight.

Doesn't give you
much time, does it?

It doesn't give you
much time, Mr. West.

It is you who will deliver
Princess Ching to the ship.

You've got it wrong.

I work for the United States
government.

Correction, please.

In case you
fail to recognize

the figure on
the dais, Mr. West,

it is your associate, whose name
is, I believe, Artemus Gordon.

The hourglass
has been set

so that at precisely
12 midnight

the knife will plunge
into your friend's heart,

unless, of course, the princess
is aboard the ship.

You've made your point.

I was told
to give this to you

by the man
in the wheelchair.

Enter.

I will fetch
the merchandise.

I will be
but a moment.

Good evening, Mr. West.

Don't tell me.

Allenby-Smythe.

At your service, sir.

It could get very messy.

Just what I was beginning
to think myself, old chap.

Wouldn't be right.

To force wholesale bloodshed?

In conscience,
I'd hate to be responsible.

"Conscience," you say?

Expediency long ago forced me
to dispense with that luxury.

You'll be dispensing
with more than that

if you force things right now.

Nevertheless, Mr. West,
I intend to force things.

Mr. Chu has the princess,
whom I want.

Now, if I'm forced to obliterate
one or two lives in the process,

I'm perfectly willing to do so.

It has
occurred to you

you may lose
your own life.

I'm a soldier,
Mr. West.

A soldier must take risks
to gain his objective.

Well, Mr. Chu,
do we get the princess...

or do we begin to shoot?

My friends and I
would prefer to avoid

a scene of bloody violence.

Are you going
to let him bluff you?

I don't believe
the colonel is bluffing.

To accede to his demands seems
the only workable solution.

You mean, you won't fight?

Not even for your own princess?

To court eternity is foolish,

but the brave have a tendency
to die young.

Very sensible of you, Mr. Chu.

How nice to meet you,
my dear.

Well, Mr. West,

that was
an interesting encounter.

I do trust you won't
find it too, uh...

frustrating, hmm?

One shot
and he's a dead man.

Now drop your guns,
all of you.

Don't be silly,
West, let me go.

My men will kill
the princess.

Again, very sensible,
Mr. Chu.

I trust there will be
no further heroics?

Excellent.

Bring him to me.

Take her to May Li.

There's just one thing
left to be done.

Wang Chung.

We must draw the fangs
of the Stalking Tiger.

I say, old chap,

you seem to be
in a bit of a fix.

Yes, you get me out,
please, sir?

What an ingenious
arrangement...

very ingenious.

When the sand runs out,
the lever is raised,

the candle burns
through the rope,

which releases the weight...

and drives the knife
straight through your heart.

Yes, you... get
me out, please, huh?

Just a thought, of course,
but in my opinion,

they're... they're using
too much weight.

It'll drive the blade
right through your body

into the table.

Might get a bit messy
getting it out, hmm?

Uh, yes.

Sir, the sand.

The sand?

Uh-huh.

Oh, the sand,
yes, quite.

Well, it looks as though you
haven't got much time left.

Um...

a few moments
for a confession, perhaps?

This unworthy one
is called Captain Sumetra.

I came to the Sons
of the Stalking Tiger

to offer my humble services
as a... armaments expert.

Armaments expert?

Really?

Yes.

This miserable one quoted
very nominal fee.

Wang Chung proved
to be most unreasonable.

When I suggested that
the Order of the Crimson Dragon

might pay more, they
put me in this position.

Very distressing.

Barbarous, my dear fellow,
absolutely barbarous.

Yes.

But, as I said before,
it is very ingenious.

I imagine it'll
be some time

before you haggle
over money again.

I would work for nothing,
sir, most exalted one-

just for the privilege
of being moved

some small distance
from this knife, huh?

Yes, yes, I rather
imagine you would.

Sir!

Colonel.

Colonel Smythe.

What is it?

It's the princess.

We have been tricked.

What do you mean?

The girl they brought
to us is an impostor.

The real princess must
still be with Quong Chu.

Gently, Mr. West, gently.

Sudden exertion after
exposure to the darts

can be very dangerous.

What time is it?

You are thinking of
your friend, Mr. Gordon.

There is still plenty of
time to save him, Mr. West.

Oh, sure.

All I have to do is rescue
the princess from Smythe

and get her aboard ship
before midnight.

Put her aboard ship, yes,

but it will not be necessary

to remove her
from the colonel's custody.

The real princess.

Precisely.

You should have told me.

If honorable Secret Service
agent will forgive,

he gave us no time.

We had to interfere

before serious
damage was done.

It certainly was effective.

How long have I been out?

Long enough for tong
of Crimson Dragon

to discover it has been tricked.

I suggest you go quickly.

Quickly, yes, but first...

What was that for?

Did you not
risk your life

to save the life
you thought was mine?

I must say, I appreciate
your appreciation.

But as your friend said,
time is of the essence.

Would it not be worth
a considerable sum

to see the expression on the
face of Colonel Allenby-Smythe

when he discovers
the deception, Mr. West?

That depends.

What is it?

You wanted to see the
expression on the colonel's face?

You'll never have
a better opportunity.

A royal prerogative,
Mr. West.

And royally executed, but this
is hardly the time or place.

Why not?

Well, for one reason,

there are about 12 thugs
out there looking for us.

They haven't found
us, have they?

No, not yet.

And if they do, you'll
take care of it.

Mmm.

Like I did back there?

You got hit
by our side.

You were doing
fine till then.

Are you sure you're
a real princess?

Why?

Well, you're not like any
princess I've ever known.

Hmm.

And just how extensive

is your acquaintanceship
among princesses?

Limited.

You see?

Are you sure you want
to go back to Hunan

and become an empress?

No.

But you're going anyway.

It is my destiny.

But very dull.

Very.

I shall undoubtedly be married
off to some old diplomat

to cement the friendship
between tongs

and loyalties
between provinces.

I'm beginning
to understand.

There really
isn't much time.

Just beginning?

You are
occasionally slower

than you are
reputed to be, Mr. West.

Well, I'm a lot
more reliable

once I understand
the situation.

How long have
you been here?

Long enough to observe
that the divinity of princesses

does not refer only
to her divine origin.

Hmm.

You're a philosopher.

Oh, among other things.

There must be some
reason for you being here.

This worthless one
was of the opinion

that honorable master
and the princess

would like to get out of here.

Now, the idea
did occur to me,

but that was
a little earlier.

This most humble servant
can arrange.

Can he?

I doubt it.

A fine thing to say,

and from one who has
nothing to lose.

All right, arrange.

Ah.

It will take but a minute.

Please wait here.

You did not even miss
this unworthy servant.

Well, that's not true.

Ask the princess.

I was pining away.

Ah.

Now, where were we?

You...!

As I told you at the outset, I'm
lamentably lacking in character.

And a man, even a has-been
hatchet man, does have to eat.

Nothing personal,
of course.

Ah, I knew you understand.

Welcome to the Imperial
Mandarin, Mr. West.

Oh, but then you
have already tasted

of the delights here.

I was interrupted
before I had the chance.

What a pity.

Well, perhaps
some other time, hmm?

Oh... I forgot.

There won't be another time,
will there?

You have a bad habit of jumping
to conclusions, Smythe.

I must say, I admire
your confidence.

Captain Sumetra.

We rescued the captain

when we attacked the lair
of the Stalking Tiger.

He's really quite a valuable
acquisition to us,

in view of the fact
that he's an armaments expert.

Captain.

I would like you
to meet... a guest.

Captain, this
is Mr. West.

Ah, yes, Mr. West, the one
who has proved such a thorn.

The very one.

Not... in the least
dangerous-looking, I would say.

Shortly, he will be

even less dangerous-looking.

Prepare him!

Will you do the honors, Captain?

No, don't!

It would appear that Mr. West
has an admirer.

Estimable lady may have a point.

Oh?

You need trained officers.

You could perhaps use
this worthless one.

Are you really suggesting
that we should free a man

who has proven himself
to be an enemy?

Perhaps he can be persuaded
to our point of view.

Mr. West is a dedicated man,
Captain.

I don't think that he would be
open to persuasion.

Colonel, given the opportunity,
the time and the implements,

I could convince the devil
to serve tea.

Perhaps you're right.

After all, there's
always the chopping block,

and Mr. West can always die just
as attractively at a later date.

Besides, anticipation does
rather enhance the fulfillment.

It is so.

Possibly a look at our
preparations might convince him.

Our preparations?

You see, Mr. West,

how easy it is

for some people to give their loyalty?

Now, could it be my leadership,
perhaps...

or gratitude for his rescue?

I doubt it.

Money, I heard,
can buy anything.

Captain?

Well... whichever.

Only loyalty, Mr. West,

will maintain
the status quo

between your head...

and your shoulders.

I'm still a long way
from being convinced.

But at least
you're interested

in being convinced.

I am interested
in staying alive.

Yes.

Take the princess
to her quarters.

Captain.

Mr. West.

Just a few of my necessary
supplies, Mr. West.

And at this moment,

construction on my
flagship is nearly complete.

It waits only
for the armament,

which I will
supply.

Then my army
will embark

for the
Gulf of Hunan.

You're not
in Hunan yet, Colonel.

But I will be- in less
than a month, Mr. West.

Less than a month,

with 1,000 trained
troops- superbly trained-

just ten miles
from here.

With the princess
and these troops,

the province of Hunan

is as good as in
the colonel's control.

By the time
your government

becomes aware of that,
Mr. West,

it will be too late.

It will have its
hands very full

explaining
the interpretation

of the British
foreign office.

Which is that the United
States endorsed this venture

as a means of furthering
its own commercial interests

in the Far East.

I never had much of a stomach
for traitors.

It appears apparent
to me, Captain Sumetra,

that it will take far more
than gentle persuasion

to alter Mr. West's
disposition

towards us and
our project.

Bring him!

Our own little steam bath,
Mr. West.

If you'll touch the walls
of the cell,

you'll find that
they're extremely hot.

At high tide,

the water that
you hear below you

will rise to meet
the superheated pipes.

Live lobsters were once boiled
in here... by the carload.

I get the picture.

Uh... in the event
the estimable occidental

sees the wisdom of accepting
the colonel's offer...

he will call?

I'll call.

Good.

What is the meaning
of this?

The moment of truth,
my dear chap.

I'm afraid I have no further
time for playing games.

Well, Captain?

I can't honest...

I can't understand it-

I know I had them fooled!

How could
he have found out?

Ah...

This most unworthy one

hopes that most honorable agents
will not be too uncomfortable?

Most
unfortunate.

But a man must eat, right?

Huh.

Most true, exalted one,
most true.

Who was that?

Oh, just an old
and trusted friend.

James, my boy,

is there something
you want to tell me?

Not particularly.

Have any idea
when high tide is?

I don't know.

Care to wait and see?

Not particularly.

I hope it works.

It works.

I hope it works in time.

You learn something
every day.

What are we learning
from this?

How a lobster feels

before it gets
to the plate.

Let's get out of here.

You take care of Smythe,
I'll go after the princess.

Make it fast; I'm going to set a
time fuse in the munitions room.

Too bad, Mr. West.

This is where it ends.

Mr. West.

Princess.

Did I not tell you
you would succeed?

I wish I could
keep you around.

You're great for
my self-confidence.

You all right?

I'm fine.

Where's Smythe?

He won't be
joining us.

Oh, that's too bad.

And now I suggest, since
this is the princess'

last night in San Francisco,

that we make it
a memorable one.

Well, wasn't there
some small problem

about getting her aboard ship
before midnight?

Well, since it's
long past midnight

and Smythe is
no longer with us,

I see no necessity
for haste.

Do you, Princess?

None whatsoever.

Well... they do say
three's a crowd.

I don't suppose the princess
would have a friend?

Ah...

Have most beauteous handmaiden,

who would be most grateful

for evening of pleasure with
honorable occidental gentleman.

Most unworthy occidental
gentleman would be delighted.

Since this restaurant has gone
out of business rather abruptly,

may I suggest a place
just a little down the street?

Not Chinese, I hope.

No?

Mr. West...

I'm facing a lifetime of rice,
bean sprouts and Mandarin duck.

Was there anything special
you had in mind?

Um...

Have either of you gentlemen
ever tasted lasagna?

And fettuccine.

Oh, and chicken
� la Marsala

with mushrooms
and anchovies.

And none of us will be
hungry an hour later.

Oh... yes!

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