All language subtitles for Holidays.20.x265-RARBG

- All right, up you go, Max!
- Yeah! Up you go, Maxi-pad!

Knock it off, Heidi.

Oh, my God.

Here we go, Max! Bring me that brick!

Come on now!

Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!

You know what you have to do, Maxi.

Looks like someone wants a kiss!

- Well?
- Well, what? He loves me.

- He didn't give you detention?
- Detention? Please, girl.

How he gon' give me detention when he
knows we gon' set this up on Friday!

No, Valentine's... Valentine's is tonight.
Why would we go Friday?

Well, I can't do Friday.

Well, no, you know, the talent show.

No, no, the talent show that
the kids organized for my operation.

Did you really think
Mr. Rockwell was trying

to kiss your little rat lips?

Hey! I'm talking to you, Maxi-pad.

No, no, I know, but, you know,
it's a nice gesture,

you know how much these kids love me.

Not like that.
No, they look up to me, Kim, all right.

And I'd be a real jerk to ditch out on
my own fundraiser, don't you think?

You really think he'd go for you?

Over me?

Just wait until he sees the twerking routine
we came up with for the talent show.

Real Nicki Minaj shit.

That's fine. No, no, no,
you know what, that's great.

Yeah, I love you too.

What are you doing to get him a new heart?

Did you organize a talent show?

Are you gonna perform something?

I know. How about a little
game of show and tell?

First you show everybody
your little friend, Mr. Box Cutter.

And then just watch
as those donations pour in

when you tell them it's the same toy
your dear, dead daddy

killed himself with.

I gotta meet Rick.

- You're not going to go take a shower?
- No, I'll take one at home.

I heard this one has rats in it.

Stop following me, Maxi-pad.

You're acting really weird today,
even for you.

Well, go ahead.

Well, I'm gonna cut through the woods.
See you tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's day.

What are you doing?

You don't even live this way.

Stop following me.

Now look what you did!

I... I was just kidding.

- We're going to be late.
- Well, I thought I had until Friday.

Why would you think that?
Valentine's day is tonight!

Shamrocks. Irish dancing.
Parades of green.

These are some of the images that come to
mind when we think of St. Patrick's day.

But who exactly was St. Patrick?

And how did he deliver
the word of God to Ireland?

A land once in the grip of druids,
pagans, and devil worshippers?

According to legend, Patrick
banished all of the snakes from Ireland

by tossing them into the sea.

Although evidence suggests there were no
snakes in Ireland during the 5th century.

Most scholars believe this
to be a metaphor.

St. Patrick's expulsion
of the pagans and mystics.

Long may Ireland let slip from memory
its paganistic days of old.

Hiya, Grainne.

That's very pretty. Who is it for?

Okay.

Look. I know how hard change is,

coming to a new school,
not having any friends.

But I bet if you were to show us
that smile just for a second,

it would make all the difference
in the world.

Do you know what? I have an idea.

Would you like to ring the lunch bell?

Hiya, it's me. I can't chat for long.
I'm here waiting for Sam.

He's insisted I park away from the school
because apparently I'm not cool.

He's like, "mum, it's not
authentic if I smile."

Yeah, it's your holy communion photo,
not the dogme 95 movement.

My doctor actually recommended
I get new contact lenses

with "hope" printed on the insides.

Apparently clinical trials
suggest it may help

the cynical wheel
of self-loathing from turning.

I hate myself.

Anyway, I can't wait to see you
this weekend for paddy's day.

We'll get fucked up, yeah? Find you a man?

Liz, where are ya? I went back to
the bar but there was no sign of you

and that Danny Zuko wannabe
you were talking to.

Would you call me, you think?

I'd like you to pick your favorite book,

write a page about why you like it,
and score the book out of ten.

Hand in date is two weeks from today.

Okay, everybody, page 38, circles.

Fuck! Hiya, Grainne.

What?

Now, hang on.
That's not very appropriate, Grainne.

Mrs. Cullen?

- You are pregnant.
- I fucking knew it!

I just can't believe it!

- I've waited so long for this.
- However, we're not certain with what.

Well, if it's a boy or a girl,
that doesn't matter to me.

We'd like to run some further tests.

Although, if the results
indicate a false positive,

we'd need to operate immediately
and remove... it.

I'm pregnant.

Did... did you understand what I said?

It's totally grand, boy or girl, whatever
I get, I'm happy. I am so happy.

Were you with somebody recently,
or some animal of some kind?

No.

Okay, have you ever seen
the Hollywood movie Rosemary's Baby?

- Yeah.
- If you replace "baby" with "reptile"...

that's what you have.
It's like Rosemary's reptile.

Grainne, what is this?

Grainne, what is this?

Grainne, what is this?

Stop smiling!

Nan just called.

She says you look like a 25-year-old
woman from the middle ages,

spliced with a mentally ill circle.

I'm booking an appointment with Dublin zoo.
There's no excuses this time, Liz.

Hi, can I help you with anything?

I'm... I'm really sorry.
That's not really, that's...

That's not really okay.

I'm sorry.
I'm just going to have to take that.

I'm sorry. You're going to have to leave.

What the fuck are you thinking, Liz?

The zoo just called, they said you never
turned up for your appointment.

I know you're probably saying to yourself,
"what if the vet's got it wrong?"

Let me impart some important advice
I learned a long time ago, the hard way.

Vets don't get things wrong.

Giving birth to a snake
is not only suicide,

it's probably the most
wrong-headed thing ever attempted

in the field of human endeavor.

The only thing you have to do to make
our family happy is just come home.

Alone.

It'll all be over soon, I promise.

I need you to help me
get clean of this, okay?

Horrible, isn't it?

You cannot remember.

But you can't forget.

Grainne...

this is your father?

Danny fucking Zuko?

Our little boy is waiting.

Look, I know you think she's different,
but she's not.

She'll run a mile when she claps eyes
on him. Just wanted a normal baby.

It's not fair.

But just look how quickly she forgets.
Don't make me laugh.

She's the same as the rest of them.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

He'd be so damn ugly.

You'd be so beautiful.

Very good, little one. Very good.

Let's go!

I bet there's a whole lotta
disenchanted folk out there

just waiting for a bouncing snake
to lighten up their lives.

I bet if we tap into that lonely
miserable demographic,

in a few short years and a bit of luck,

we might just hit pre-Patrick numbers.

Time to close your eyes and go to sleep.

It's a special day tomorrow.
Someone's coming tonight.

I'll give you a hint.

He's furry.

And he hops.

And you wake up in the morning
and you get...

- Candy eggs and candy chicks.
- Yes. But here's the thing.

No kid has ever seen him.

Because all the kids are supposed
to be asleep when he comes. Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. Close your eyes.

Wait.

- I'm scared.
- Why?

Are you afraid you're going
to have a bad dream?

The man coming back from the dead.

What man?

Jesus.

In church they said that Easter was
about him coming back from being dead.

What about the Easter bunny?
Is he dead too?

No, the Easter bunny's different.

- Is Jesus real?
- Yeah, he was real.

- He was?
- Yeah. But he was a good man.

And you know what? Yes, he died,

but when he came back,
that was a good thing.

It was a miracle that he came back.

He flew up into the stars

and he went back where he came from.

And he lives in our hearts now.

It's kind of like a scary version of E.T.

Yeah, but he wasn't a story, he was real.

- What about the Easter bunny?
- Well, the Easter bunny comes on Easter.

But I thought that's when Jesus
came back from the dead.

- No, it's... that's different.
- I don't understand, mommy.

Honey, just close your eyes
and go to sleep.

And tomorrow you are going to wake up

and there will be candy chicks
and eggs and yummy stuff.

But what if I'm awake when he comes?

- What if I get up and get a glass of water?
- It's okay to get a glass of water.

No, but what if he's here?
What if I see him?

Honey. Just go to sleep.

Mommy.

How does he get in the house?

Okay.

I'm gonna count to three,
and I want those eyes shut.

All right? One.

Two.

Three.

You're going to wake up tomorrow and
it's going to be exactly like last year.

Mommy?

Last year, Daddy was here.

Will he ever come back?

Maybe.

Go to sleep, baby.

Mommy?

This is a dream.

You're not real.

Touch me.

No child has ever seen me.

I won't... I won't tell anyone
I saw you. I promise.

But now that you've seen me.
Now it is your turn.

You must take my place.

Take... take your place?

You will see things few have ever seen.

Magical things.

But what if... what if I don't want to?

You have no choice.

Can I... can I come back and see my mommy?

Where you're going,
you will never see your mommy

ever, ever again.

Now close your eyes.

Honey?

Honey?

Honey?

You know, there are only
a few days in any woman's cycle

where she's capable of conceiving.

And you're on,
generic high dose progestin?

Do you take it at the same time
every day? You're sure?

He wears two condoms.

I ask him to wear two condoms.
Sometimes three.

And you've terminated
nearly 20 pregnancies?

I've stopped counting.

- I'm sorry, I...
- It's okay.

I've been to see so many doctors.

My family won't talk to me.

My friends think I'm insane,

or making it up, or just...

It's...

It's like I'm cursed.

I don't usually do this.

But it does feel like
you've exhausted all other options.

I'm going to give you
my sister's phone number.

She volunteers at these weekend
fertility ceremonies in the high desert.

Maybe she can give you some sort of insight
that the rest of us haven't been able to.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's probably not for me,
but I appreciate it.

Kate, if what you've told me is true

then I don't think
conventional medicine can help you.

What happens at the ceremony?

Well, have you ever participated
in a peyote ceremony

or ayahuasca,
or any kind of ceremonial medicine?

Well, no.

It can be an intense experience.

But if you're open to it, I think
that you can really learn something.

I know I'm going
to get pregnant this time.

I know it. Sometimes it takes many times
to come here before you do.

I think you have to let go of the trying.
- - Yeah, I get nervous sometimes.

Make yourself at home.
The ceremony will start in an hour.

How old are you?

- Twenty-four.
- What's the rush?

I'm actually not trying
to have a baby right now.

Then what are you doing here?

I get pregnant every time I have sex.

Sounds rough.

You...

are a gateway.

I have to go home.
No, I have to get out of here.

I have to go home.
No, I don't want to be here.

It's just the medicine.

Just trust it. It's just the medicine.

Every time you end the life inside of you,

it will come back stronger.

Sleep.

Sleep, little bird.

When the time comes do not resist.

Do not say no.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

Do you want a bath today?

Yeah.

Okay.

One, two, three, up.

Okay.

You're gonna be such a good mama.

You've been very patient.

I think we need to increase her dose.

No, we can't give her
more than three drops.

It's not good for the baby.

Lily, she's fine.

- Morning.
- Sister.

- Started getting so hot out there.
- Yeah, it always heats up in May.

Happy mother's day, mama.
We're almost there.

Blood pressure is a little high.

- Has anybody tried calling her phone?
- No, poor girl.

How's she been this week?

Not so good. I mean, we could
use you around here more often.

Well, I can't spend all my time out here,
I'm going back and forth enough as it is.

You don't know what it's like here.
It's really hard.

I am here every weekend.
I'm going back and forth.

Yeah, I think you should stay with her
from here on out. It's the last month.

I can't take a whole month
off of work, Lily.

- God damn it, you idiot!
- Don't yell at her.

No wonder she has high blood pressure,
living here with you guys.

- She can't hear us anyways.
- Come. Come with me. Come on.

Okay.

Classical or contemporary today?

I'm feeling contemporary.

911, what's your emergency?

My name is Kate Polson.

I'm... I've been kidnapped.

I can't hear you, miss, can you speak up?

I need help.

- Fire, ambulance, or police?
- Police, please. Please hurry.

What's the address?

It's like, it's a house.
Ten miles north of the highway...

Oh, God!

Be careful.

Careful!

- That was stupid, look what you did!
- What's happening?

She's going in to labor,
that's what's happening.

God. Okay.

Just breathe. Just breathe.

The more you accept it,
the easier it will be.

All right, come on, just push.
Push for me.

Good girl.

Push, Kate. Push.
Almost there, almost there.

Probably not.

Yeah, I'm going to be here
grading these papers all weekend.

Yeah, I know, it's 52 this year.

Hi, Carol.

It's me. Your daddy.

I'm so sorry. Daddy had to leave you.

I never loved anything more than you.

You were my miracle.

I wanted so badly for you to come with me.

For us to be together.

Your mother and I,

we just didn't see things the same way.

It's so important that you know
it wasn't your fault.

And that you know that I am so...

so sorry I wasn't there for you.

If you're hearing this message,

I... I can't imagine the pain

that I've caused you.

But it's not too late
for us to be together.

I left this message in trust
with good people.

I told them to give this to you
when you were old enough,

strong enough.

I didn't want
to leave you there all alone.

It wasn't my choice.

So... if you want to see me,

to find me, continue where we left off,

I can be there for you now.
If you're ready.

Just go to where we played that day,

our last day together.

Go there, turn the tape over,

press play and I will guide you.

You will always be my baby,
no matter what you choose.

I just hope you'll have it
in you to forgive me.

Remember, Daddy loves you forever, Carol.

This isn't fair. This isn't fucking fair.

How could you do this to me, Mom?

All these years? He was alive?

I missed him so much.

You fucking call me back
the minute you get this.

Bitch!

- Carol! Come on, baby, it's time to go!
- Five more minutes?

Okay, five more minutes,
then we have to go.

Okay!

Hello, Carol.

I hope that you've come,
and are ready to see me again.

Listen carefully,
and I'll help you find me.

- I'm ready, Daddy.
- Yeah, okay, you got your backpack?

Yeah.

Hey, let's go this way today, okay?

- Where are we going?
- First we're going towards the exit.

Then we are headed south,
on Revelle Avenue.

South? Where's south?

It's this way.
Come, let's hold hands while crossing.

How come you're carrying that?

I'm making a message for a friend.

Do I know them?

Yes, honey. You know them.

Turn right on third.

- What's it say?
- Just where to find us.

Why?

Because they need help.

Look at this, Dad!

That's a good looking stick.

It looks like a magic wand.

It does look magic.

- How much further?
- We're almost there.

Go left at Marmont coming up.

I promise this will all
make sense in the end.

Walk to 433 Marmont.

You know that I love you very much, right?

I love you too, Daddy.

And that I only want what is best for us.

That's why I picked you up today, honey.

Daddy has to go somewhere

and I needed to see you before I left.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to a very special place.

But don't worry,
you'll come and visit me soon.

Always remember this, Carol,

the person who risks nothing,

has nothing, is nothing,

and becomes nothing.

- I don't want you to go.
- I know.

But I have to.

We're here.

The front door should be open.

You'll come see me
as soon as you're ready.

- I'm ready.
- I wish you were.

- But I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you more than you'll ever know.

Come, we have to go inside.

Here, let Daddy carry you.

Why do you have to go?

Be strong for Daddy.

We're almost together again.

You are so close now.

What's that picture?

It's called an icon.

It's a symbol of faith.

Okay, honey, will you sit here
and wait for Daddy?

I have to go talk
to that nice lady over there.

- You're not going yet, are you?
- Not yet.

I just need to talk to the lady.

- Promise?
- I promise.

Okay.

You're such a strong girl,
and I am so proud of you.

I'm here for my appointment,
to speak with you.

Thank you.

Once I go,

will you make sure
that she's taken care of?

Dad! Dad!

- Dad! Dad!
- I'm sorry.

Daddy! Daddy!

It wasn't my choice, Carol.

You...

You only get once chance to meet him,

to visit this place.

That's why I made this for you,

and I pray that it found you,

so that you may find me.

I'll be so happy to see you again.

It will have been so long.

Dad?

Daddy?

Hello, baby.

I'm here for you.

- I'm so happy that you came.
- Dad!

Daddy loves you so much, Carol.

I'm so proud of you.

If you have come, and you have
found me, then you are here.

- You're finally here in this room...
- Daddy, it's me.

- ...of your own free will.
- Please, Daddy.

Oh, Carol, that means that you,
and I, can be together again.

Together.

Hi, is this Shelby?

Yeah, you responded to my ad online.

My name's Ian. How are you?

Where are you from, by the way?

Des Moines! Oh, fuck.

You probably want
to get out of there so badly.

Yeah, so come to LA.

No, it's not porn. It's webcam.

It's honestly exactly like Facetime.

You probably already do
the same shit with your boyfriends.

Except now, you can get paid
while you do it. Large.

Last week one of the girls
made eight grand.

How's it sound to you?

Good? Oh, that's amazing!

That's amazing!
I'm super excited about that.

Okay, so we'll get everything
squared away immediately.

Hi, is this Allison?

Yeah, you responded to my ad online.
Yeah, the webcam stuff.

No, no, no, no, it's nothing like porno.
It's nothing like porno at all.

It's on your webcam.
It's pretty much Facetime.

I mean, you probably already do
the same thing with your boyfriends.

Yeah. It includes a free ticket
to the heart of Hollywood.

You'll be set up,
staying in a beautiful apartment.

What do you tell your parents?
I don't know. Fuck your parents.

Stirring our cauldron of magic are we!

A witch's power is strongest in threes.

Like, what the fuck are
these bitches cooking, man?

They're not cooking. That's a cauldron.
They're actually casting spells.

- I just had a fucking asshole.
- What happened?

He was writing all this shit
that he wanted to do to me.

And then when he signed off...

He called me a whore!

Serenes. I'm so sorry.

Man, what a fucking fuckhole, man.

You got his credit card number, right?
So, fuck this asshole, let's go shopping.

I can e-mail you
a ticket right away, Allison.

Your boyfriend? Fuck him.
No, you'll be treated like a queen here.

I promise.

Okay. Bye now.

The fuck is this?

- Nobody's working?
- Nobody's calling.

- It's Halloween. Everyone's out partying.
- Except us.

That's sad. Trick or treat, skank.

Did you scrape that shit out yet?
I want to eat my hot pockets.

- Can I have one of your hot pockets?
- I gave you your dinner.

Fuck your three
for a dollar discount shit.

What's wrong with name Brand Candy,
you ever heard of Hersheys?

Yeah, I heard of Hershey.

Hersheys is what my grandmother
used to say, is for ladies.

I added this part.
Discount stuff is for whores.

- Whores!
- What is wrong with this girl?

Some cam asshole called her
a whore and then signed off.

They're supposed to type dirty shit.
That's why they give us their money.

Well, nobody's giving us
their money tonight.

Yeah, so why don't you
give us the night off

so we can cheer Serena up
and celebrate Halloween?

Okay.

Oh, no, wait. Wait.
I meant to say, fuck no.

Don't be a dick, Ian.

No, fuck you, Holly.
I'm sick of your shit.

I'm sick of all of your shits, okay?

I just got off the phone with two...

two. Count 'em. Two cam girls.

Oh, yeah. They want to come
to Hollywood, and work for me.

So, A.B.C.

Always be camming, bitches.

'Cause the next generation's coming,
and they're going to replace you.

Just like you replaced
the whores before you.

Stop saying "whores"!

No! I'll say "whores"
if I want to say "whores"!

I'll say "whores" if I want.

Now you got me irritated.

And since it's such a slow night...

why don't I put one of you sluts to work?

How does that sound?

So who's it going to be?

One of you girls is going
to show me your pussy.

No.

We're not girls, Ian. We're women.

I was a girl when I got here, but after
working for you for eight fucking months,

now I'm sad to say, I'm a woman.

I'm the oldest 18-year old woman I know.

All because I made
a big mistake in coming here.

But you know what?
The more I think about it,

the more I realize I'm not the only one
that made the mistake, Ian.

You made a big mistake.

Wanna know why? Because you put
three women in a room together.

Do you know what three women
in a room together used to be called?

A coven. You got that?

Witches.

And the power of witches
is always strongest in threes.

You fuck.

Witches, now?

Witches. Okay.

Well, which witch is going
to ride this broomstick?

Yeah.

- This one.
- No.

- Yes. Yes!
- No! No!

- I don't wanna!
- Well, you're gonna!

What the fuck?

Oh, you fucking bitch.

The fuck is this shit?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

What the fuck?

What the fuck!

Okay! Okay! Okay!

What the fuck do you want?

What? What the fuck!

Oh, fuck, okay, okay!

Okay!

There! You made your point,
take your fucking pictures!

What the fuck?

I don't have a pussy!
I don't have a pussy!

Are you fucking bitches
fucked in the head?

What the fuck is wrong with you?
This is fucking insane!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Please don't make me do this. Please.

I'll pay you.
I'll fucking pay you, please!

Oh, fuck, okay, okay!

Okay.

What the fuck. What the fuck.

This is fucked up. This is fucked!

Fuck you.

Fuck you! Fuck you, bitches!

- What the fuck are you crying about?
- Look at all that blood.

This is getting boring. What happens
if we turn this shit up to ten?

That.

Hi. Is Ian here?
He flew me out from Maine to work.

I'm Nancy.

Hello, Nancy. Welcome.

You're joining us during a period
of transition for the company.

As of today, we're actually
under new management.

Well, what happened to Ian?

Unfortunately, Ian is no longer
with the company, due to...

cutbacks.

Your imagination come to life!

Uvu shows you you!

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Your kids are going to love that.
- The kids are definitely going to love it.

- Wait 'til you put it on your head.
- Well, I'll leave... I'll leave that to the kids.

- Alright. Hope they enjoy. Merry Christmas.
- Yup, thank you. Merry Christmas.

- Goodnight.
- Hi.

- I'm sorry, we're closed.
- No, no, no, I called. About the Uvu.

- That guy got the last one.
- What? No. I called.

- I'm Pete Gunderson. I said I was coming.
- First come, first served.

- But you...
- Sorry, pal. Holidays are hell.

Fuck.

Yeah, honey. Got the last one.
Okay, I'll be home in 15.

- Excuse me. Excuse me, sir? Hi.
- I love you. Bye.

Look, I'll... I'll give you $300 for it.

Yeah, not a chance, pal. Try Ebay.

Wait, wait, wait! Please, please.
I'll... I'll give you...

I'll give you 500. Please,
it's Christmas Eve. I'm out of time.

Listen, if it was really that important,
you would have gotten here earlier.

Merry Christmas.

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'll call...

Sorry.

I finally had it,
and I told Ed he was full of shit.

I mean, I deserve that Christmas bonus

a hell of a lot more than that do-nothing,
kiss-ass nephew of his.

I swear I could kill him. Scrooge.

What?

Have you not been listening to me?

Ed didn't give me the Christmas bonus
that we were counting on.

And with you making less money now...

God. I'm at the end of my rope.

How much was this thing anyway?
I hope you didn't overspend.

- Stop.
- Come on.

No.

I still can't believe you got it, Dad!

So, you just watch stuff on them?

Yeah, it aggregates your online identity
to figure out what to show you.

Congratulations, captain!
You're the first person to walk on Mars.

You've got to try it, Dad.

- Am I going to see what you saw?
- No, it's different for everyone.

Thank you, Daddy. Thank you, Daddy.

It's totally cool, right?

Right. Yeah. Totally.

Is this the off button?

Please don't punish me, Daddy.

I promise I won't be naughty anymore.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

I'll call... I'll call...

Sorry.

What the fuck?

- Heart attack?
- Yeah.

Probably would have made it too,
if he got help in time.

Hell of a Christmas gift for his family.

Fucking Christmas.

I hear ya, bro.

Okay. Bag him up.
We need the fridge space.

Hi! It says on your website that...

Less than one percent of users
may experience an...

adverse reaction when using the device?
And I was just... just wondering,

what type of adverse reactions
are users experiencing exactly?

Are you having trouble
with your device, sir?

Troub... no...

No. I'm not, no... Just wondering.

Well, if you'd like to give me
your name and login,

I can check your video feed to see
if there's anything abnormal going on.

You can do that? That's fine.
I don't need that. That's not necessary.

Thank you very much.

Sara?

- Where's Bobby?
- I sent him to stay with a friend.

You forgot to log out, Pete.

I don't know what that showed you, but...

Everything.

I saw everything.

I just want to know one thing.

Why'd you do it?

Because he had what I wanted...

and I was tired of being nice.

Oh, Pete.

That is the hottest thing
you have ever said.

Hey! Everyone's gone.
I'm going to go ahead and lock up.

And I made this, just the way you like it.

Oh, Ed. You don't look so good.

I hope you aren't afraid of the dark, Ed.

Should've given me that bonus, Ed.

This is what happens to scrooges like you.

Ain't the holidays hell?

Pete, you awake?

I didn't want to have to do this.

You know, I kept pushing it off.

I didn't want to... ruin another holiday.

I wanted to pretend
like everything was okay.

But you...

you.

I mean, I thought that when you...

when you got to know me... you know...

when you saw the real me, that you'd...

Never mind.

Tonight at midnight,

I want to kiss someone
who makes me feel...

like I can take the tape off their lips.

God damn it.

Sorry about that. Let me try that again.

Jesus Christ.

Mandy. Mandy.

Hey.

Can't be worse than the last one.

How is it?

They're great.
They're the best chicken fingers.

They bread them with frosted flakes.

My mom didn't let me eat sugary cereal.

You know, rots your teeth.

My teeth aren't rotten.

You must brush a lot. Do you brush a lot?

I don't know. I guess so.

Let me see 'em.

- What?
- Let me see those pearly whites.

I bet they sparkle.
Let me see those choppers, come on.

Yeah. I knew it.

You have great teeth.

That was... that was... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
That was... it's just the nerves.

That's the problem
with these first dates, you know.

If people got to know the real me,
you know, they would love me.

But, you know, they never get to meet me.
You know, because it's just...

Because the nerve monster
just rears its ugly head.

Most guys I date online just want
to hook up. One and done.

They act like I'm crazy for wanting
something more lasting.

Right?

You know, people say that those dating
websites are bullshit but I mean, 96%?

I mean, like,
that's an all-time high for me.

My last girlfriend was like
an 84% and, you know,

yeah, no surprise that didn't...
that didn't turn out.

- What happened?
- She... I had to...

I had to end it.

It was for the best.

Sorry. You are so much hotter
than she was.

I mean...

prettier.

Should we get the check?

I'm sorry.

- For what?
- For calling you hot.

- Why would you apologize for that?
- Because it made me sound all pervy.

Like I was trying to hook up with you.

You know. And I know
you don't like that on a first date.

It's New Year's Eve. I'd have to be
the most unromantic gal in the world

to want to go home to a lonely apartment.

Yup.

Do you want to go back to my place
and watch the ball drop?

- Can I take your jacket?
- Yeah.

- Should I not?
- No. I need to use the restroom.

You know, I just... I want to freshen up.

Okay. Great idea.
Down the hall to the right.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

Feliz año nuevo, cariño.