Original subtitles

Which insurance, Sir?

Hold the line.

Yes, Sir?

I'll work it out. Hold the line.

Planet Assistance, at your service.

I'll put you through.

Yes, OK.

I have to take a call.

Hello?

This is client no. 174652.

I've had a stupid accident. My front wheel's smashed.

OK, fine.

I'll tell you right now.

Serious?

Some idiot who thinks the Sahara is deserted.

Instead of dying at home, they head abroad.

Yes, I can hear you, Sir.

Now listen.

The nearest garage is at Oued Smir.

The mechanic

is Ahmed - as in the first name - Baroudi.

Baroudi... That's Berthe, Andre,

Robert, Octave, Ursule, Denise, Irene.

Have fun!

You too.

OK, bye.

Here we go. What'll it be like in August?

Planet Assistance speaking.

Client no. 642123

I've had an accident. Acc-i-dent!

Not me!

My camel's injured, the front right leg.

Hold the line!

Can't we move the computer closer to the phone?

To save on tiredness!

Michel, my client's banged up in Istanbul.

Nice country but all roads lead to jail.

How did you get yours out last week?

Send a guy over with $10,000 in cash.

The name of the guy you need to pay off is on the boss's desk.

OK, thanks.

I can hear you, yes.

For your camel...

the closest vet is at Oued Smir.

Oued Smir?

The vet's name is Ahmed Baroudi.

That's Baroudi:

Baraka, Ahmed, Rachid...

Stop it, I don't have a pen!

Use your finger in the sand.

Darn it! The sand...

Hi. Can I speak to Michel?

Planet Assistance.

It's client no. 906088.

Superman speaking. How may I help?

It's my heart.

I'll send someone over. Will 6pm be OK?

No, I need affection, urgently.

Who did you send to Istanbul?

Jean-Pierre.

Hello?

Dammit! What's the receptionist up to?

I was just talking to a client. I didn't touch a thing!

Don't yell, I'm here.

What are you doing?

I'm your fiancée, at your beck and cull!

Well! How come you're in your air hostess gear?

My last trip. I handed in my notice.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to surprise you.

So you'll stop flying altogether?

Altogether.

My pet!

Relax, we'll do the work.

Oh, come off it!

Hello... Madam?

Quiet, I can't hear a thing!

Hello... Yes, Madam.

Giselle, 2 broken legs in Ceylon.

See how dangerous it is, running around the world?

5,000 calls a day from all over the world:

people sick, injured, or dead.

The world is a vast purulent culture.

Kenya is gangrene,

Turkey is jails,

Africa is amoeba, South America is malaria...

You're only safe at home.

That's not why I quit.

It's what you said about Columbus.

What did I say?

That he messed up his private life, always being away.

It's true. A historical fact.

I want our marriage to work out.

That's why I'm going to quit travelling.

I'll work with Sophia in her agency.

We'll be happy all our lives.

At least.

What about dinner?

I'll be in Dakar. You?

In Asnière, with Mum.

...the Moricets, who are to be released...

I'll quickly review the Moricet saga...

We've set the date for the 25th.

What's the hurry?

Are you kidding? We've been engaged 7 years!

With her job, you'll be sleeping here half the time.

She's quit, to work with Sophia at the agency.

You're leaving me?

I'm 32, don't be ridiculous!

Anyway, we'll have a house nearby.

Bye, pet. I won't be back for dinner.

Give her a kiss from me.

I will!

And don't be back late!

Don't worry, pet.

Bye!

Come on...

Going on vacation, Platini?

Well now! Just wait till that falls off.

It won't.

Sure it will. Look.

Safe as houses.

28% of holiday road accidents are due to badly loaded roof racks.

Really?

Let me do it.

Hi, Michel. Still engaged?

Still an Arab?

Yes, increasingly underdeveloped!

No, that goes on your knee, to support you in an accident.

We'll put it in later.

Not there, Arabs are thieves!

Thieves and rapists. Hide your daughters!

Right.

That kid's so cute.

Never mind that, give me a hand.

Hold it, I'll pull it underneath.

Is it hard, being this dumb?

No, we go to a lot of effort!

We work at it.

He can't tell beer from Coke.

Isn't it the some?

Out of the bottle, they can't tell.

They're religiously sober but they have days off.

You're fine, that'll hold.

I hope you're well insured.

What about the birds?

You're not taking the birds...

What can we do with them?

Quite.

At least I know they'll be safe.

Fancy that, Mum, they're going to Tunisia without insurance.

Surely you won't let them.

I can't force them to sign up.

You can't make people happy despite themselves.

It's wrong to go abroad,

but without insurance, it's suicide.

If you wound your arm, you get gangrene and lose it.

- Oh, come on! - Sure, both of them!

What do you think we do at Planet Assistance?

Look after your tropical fish while you're away?

No, we're on the ground!

When the surgeon is poised to amputate the wrong limb,

we turn up and save you.

In some countries the police slum you in jail for nothing.

I turn up with the keys...

"It's us, Planet Assistance." And you're out!

- What shall we do? - Do whatever you like.

But you never know...

If anything happens, especially with a kid...

Obviously you can't come along and say:

"Oh, we didn't know," then cry about it.

Sign here... right here.

I feel better about you going.

Any mechanical or health problems, I just call you.

And I'll be there.

- That's great! - Isn't it?

But don't go mad just because you're insured.

Bye!

- Here, your kawa. - Thanks.

That's strong. How can you drink 10 a day?

Doesn't keep me awake.

Nothing stops Arabs from sleeping!

Except your wives!

- So when are you getting married? - The 25th.

- Is the Arab invited? - If you wash.

I'll have to learn how to first!

I'll be off. Here.

Take this, 3 times a day. For your liver.

See you later.

It's 9.05. If you're on the ring road, you'll be late.

Only I'm not on the ring road.

Lucky you!

Yes, I'm on the back roads.

Hey, that won't help, he's broken down!

My engine's dead. How about a push?

OK, no problem.

Thanks.

Go on!

Go ahead, go, go!

Hey, watch it!

Stop! Stop the car!

Tell your dad I'm hooked on!

- Little jerk. - Big jerk!

Wop!

That's where I work! Stop!

We've stopped.

Off we go again.

Take a ticket first,

then go through.

It's not hard.

Sure it isn't. He's taking the piss.

Now that's service.

He doesn't care. Open it.

Your gearbox is on the way to Addis Ababa.

You'll have it by tomorrow night of the latest.

The best we can do. It's 6,000km.

Enjoy your trip!

They go across the world in a jalopy and want it repaired in a jiffy.

Seen the new doctor?

Worth a look?

Describe your symptoms.

Can't be faulted.

Maybe she'll get me home later.

If I wasn't already engaged...

- You never cheat on Isabelle? - No, I'm old-school.

Never too late.

What do you want?

You're new, I just wanted to say hello...

It's nice of you but I'm busy.

A problem?

A client called but his symptoms are so vague...

Oh? Maybe I could help.

- Are you a doctor? - No.

But I'm an old hand, I know all the diseases.

Which country?

Colombia.

- Pacific or Caribbean side? - No idea.

Find out, it's important.

Where are you?

- Tumaco. - Pacific.

Itching, tingling in the abdomen, sharp pain behind the eyes?

- Exactly! - It's the runs. Dysentery.

Really?

You get them like parking tickets.

So do I get him brought home?

No, let him crap himself there, we've enough shit here as it is.

You're right.

Hey, I was joking. Get him home, quickly.

We'll send someone to fetch you.

Sir?

For my cousin, Mr Bernardin.

Through there.

There.

No, not you!

That's a nice family welcome!

No, the point is, I'm at work. Call me at home.

I can't, I'm going on holiday.

Go get your insurance elsewhere.

You cost them enough last year.

That's all forgotten.

Your epileptic fit on the other side of Canada isn't!

I was broke, I needed to get back to France.

Try explaining that to them.

We sell insurance, not a free return ticket.

- But I was young. - This was last year.

Sorry, it's in your contract.

After the recent strikes, you owe us six trips.

That's another three weeks' work.

But my wedding is on the 25th!

The 21st is in three weeks. Perfect!

Here.

Would you mind fronting me my insurance premium?

I've only got enough for a return ticket to Hong Kong.

Are you taking the mickey?

- The pen... - Haven't got one.

Sure.

Just make sure you aren't repatriated.

- You know me. - That's just it!

Excuse me.

- Are you OK? - No.

He was so happy when I told him Dakar was my last trip.

Wait till he hears I have another six.

Why tell him?

We tell each other everything.

Being secretive now and then is better than a huge row.

- Where to now? - Colombia.

Again? I'd prefer the For East.

Clients get the runs wherever they please.

Michel, we need to fetch a client from the airport.

Rex!

Client no. 906088 here.

Superman here. How may I help?

Dinner for two, as planned.

Sounds good! Happy not to be on air hostess anymore?

Oh, I'm so glad it's all over.

See you at Sophie's.

I'll pick you up after my airport trip.

Mr Rex?

Here he is.

Right, thanks.

Come on, then. Rex!

Come on.

In you go!

He's disabled!

Damn thing.

You OK?

OK?

Hey, stop that!

He's eating his muzzle.

Hey!

Jeez! It's horrible, leave it!

Does he bite? No, nice doggie.

Right.

Stay there.

I'll only be a moment, really.

- Get a move on! - One moment.

I'll be right down.

Coming!

What's up?

The dog's locked itself in.

Open for Daddy!

Open the door for Daddy. Rex!

Michel, what's wrong?

The dog's locked the door and sat on the horn!

What the hell is this?

The dog's locked the door and sat on the horn!

Break the window, then!

He might bite me.

Bite you! Hear that? The dog might bite him!

It isn't my dog. Check out the papers in the boot.

I've got better things to do!

- Do you speak dog? - No!

- Pity. - I don't believe this!

Your car roof!

Hey, my car! Cut it out!

He's getting away!

Come back!

Rex, come here!

Catch him!

Got him!

No, the dog will get out!

Leave him there!

Get your hands off my fiancé!

No, don't get involved!

Get over there!

Fancy a slug, pal?

No, thanks, my head hurts already.

Hey, it's good stuff!

Only I'm not thirsty.

Snob!

I feel so safe with you.

That's odd, because you're obviously not!

No mutter, you're perfectly safe now.

We're getting married, you're no longer an air hostess, you're safe!

My superman!

Banzai!

I'm here about Michel Bernardin.

Look... I'm typing the report.

Come this way.

My boss.

He looks a bit strict.

We'll both be out of a job on the same day!

I'm not out of a job.

You're still an air hostess?

No.

But I'm starting work with Sophia at the travel agency.

Oh yes, I'd forgotten.

Michel won't give me a call till about 3.

Call me right away at this number.

I'll be back from London at 5.

I'll cover for you.

Bye.

OK, my fiancée and I will come to see the house at 7.

Goodbye and thanks.

So how was Colombia?

That dysentery guy, I stuck a cork up his ass before take-off.

It popped out mid flight. Can you imagine?

Thanks, I just ate breakfast!

Sophia? Can I speak to Isabelle?

Oh, that is a nuisance! I just sent her out on an errand.

She'll be out all morning. Call buck this afternoon.

Have a nice day.

I've travelled the world and never had an accident.

As soon as that idiot insures us

we crash headlong into a taxi.

It's his fault!

He can come and take Julien back to Paris.

That won't be possible.

How so, Mr Bernardin?

First, I've never flown anywhere, I'm scared of flying.

Second, foreign countries are full of germs.

And third, my job

is here at HQ, not as an escort.

Well, my job is to run this company.

But when my staff get in a tangle with the police, I sort it out.

Talking of which... how is your lovely fiancée?

Isn't she an air hostess?

No, she's given it up.

- Would you like a drink? - Orange juice, please.

You're getting married, right?

The 25th. If you can make it, we'd love you to come.

How will your wife feel about you not having a job?

Your plane leaves in an hour.

I'd love to but I have to see a house at 7.

But you'll be back by 5.

Tunisia.

- Mum, where's my passport? - No idea!

Got it.

I'm going to look a real idiot!

I ask her to give up her job, then shoot off to Tunisia.

I wouldn't say anything.

If I'd hidden a bit more from your dad, he wouldn't have left us.

Maybe you're right, pet. Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now above the Mediterranean.

Please follow these safety instructions...

We're over the seu. It's dangerous.

The jacket is stored beneath your seat.

Sure I've got one? Has everyone got one?

Listen carefully to instructions...

Aren't you watching? If it crashes, you won't know what to do.

Pull the cord hard...

Only in an emergency.

Just trying it out.

- I hate flying too. - Not as much as I do.

I take two of these, then sleep.

Give me six!

Thanks.

Now you'll sleep till Abidjan.

But I'm getting off at Tunis!

Maybe you took too many.

Really? That's a nuisance.

Sir? Sir?

We've arrived at Tunis.

Quick, quick.

Excuse me, let me through.

Planet Assistance. A patient is waiting for me.

Planet Assistance, let me through!

Are you hurt?

It's OK, it's OK!

I'm fine.

Bernardin, that's me.

Michel Bernardin.

I'll drive on the way back,

that's enough!

I need to snap out of it... snap out...

Snap out of it.

Here we go.

That's good, that's good...

Are you crazy!

Hey, that's great!

Are you OK?

Only joking.

You look mad.

Let's go. I'll drive.

Hey, your parents are sulking!

They don't look very happy.

Come on!

I'll make a call. Stay here.

The other guy beat it. He's gone.

Hi, telephone!

Hello?

Sophia? Is Isabelle there?

She's on the phone, hold the line.

Sophia?

Isabelle? Michel, for you.

Does he suspect anything?

Put him on.

I'll hook you up.

Hi, pet, it's me. I'm at the office.

Yeah, we're busy.

I'll pick you up at 6.30 and we'll go see a house,

right nearby.

Great, I'll be there!

Well, I already am, so I still will be.

How so? You sound weird.

Not at all. Why?

No reason. I'll let you go.

It's you who sounds weird. Are you in a hurry?

What the...!

What's up?

Nothing. Just Marcel messing about.

What's up?

Stop that, it isn't funny! He's such a joker.

Sounds like fun.

Good job too, with all the work we do.

OK, Marcel, quit messing about!

Marcel!

Get back to your office!

Here, it's for you.

Well, Marcel, are you having fun?

- Your boyfriend has a problem. - No, it's his pal messing about.

OK, bye, pet.

I'm thirsty.

Thirsty!

We'll stop at the first bar.

Two cokes.

Sit down.

Why did you say Arabs are dumb?

I didn't say that... no.

You said they were too dumb to tell Coke from beer.

No, I was joking. I didn't even say it!

- Why did you call them rapists? - No!

- Thieves, I said. Anyway, I didn't. - You did!

- I was only joking. - You said it!

Just hurry up and drink your Coke.

They're really nice too!

Hurry up.

Wait in the car.

Here. Thanks.

We'd better get out of here, thanks to you.

We're alright now.

Goddam car!

Thanks to you we nearly had our throats cut!

But you said it.

You quoted me out of context!

- You said it. - But not like that.

Then you repeat it and they think I said it.

You did.

You annoy me! I didn't say it like that!

Quit acting so smart or I'll knock your other eye out!

Are you authorized to travel abroad with the child?

I'm repatriating him for his parents.

- I need the authorization. - I know.

You know this man?

No.

What?

- No! - You want a slap?

- What do you mean? - Come with me.

Now don't start...

Follow me!

Sorry. The passport...

Alright, get on with it.

Yes... yes.

Alright, thank you.

He has the parents' permission.

You may go.

Check nothing is missing.

The police are all thieves!

- We didn't rape you! - Maybe next time.

Well, we're all so dumb!

We do our best.

Hurry up, dummy.

Arriving from Tunis,

Tunis Air flight 4342 has landed.

Arriving from London,

Europe Airlines flight 638 has landed.

What lousy weather!

- You OK? - What's wrong?

Nothing. It's the office.

Alright?

Looks like sunburn but it couldn't possibly be.

- OK? - Fine.

- Your office has a microclimate. - You're getting warmer!

They keep messing around at work,

playing jokes.

What's-his-name put a UV bulb in my desk lump.

It looks like sunburn but I'm just tanning.

A desk lamp in your face?

Yes, I often work like that.

I sit like this, on the phone.

My light's here, I sit like this.

It relaxes my back, then I can tan.

There was a lot going on when you called me earlier.

That was Marcel!

That noise you heard, the camel...

That's Marcel.

The lion roars...

and the camel brays.

Downstairs is the kitchen and dining room.

The living room is now my bedroom

as I can't get upstairs.

There are 2 nice bedrooms upstairs.

I can't get up, I'll wait here.

It's a real love nest!

My lute husband and I

lived here happily for 40 years.

It's nice. Look.

Stinks a bit, though.

That's nothing. Look at the bed.

Are you crazy?

Love nest, she said.

That UV lamp has gone to your head!

Not at all.

Not here.

Where else? It's a bed!

How is it?

Perfect!

Does your fiancée like it?

Oh yes!

I'm glad to hear it.

The price...

is 480,000 francs.

But that's negotiable.

Sure it is!

450,000, then.

Money is always a problem for young couples.

Oh yes.

440,000.

430,000?

No!

420,000.

Dammit!

400,000, then.

No!

395,000 francs.

Oh yes!

You won't find better for 395,000 francs.

At that price, we'll take it.

You want to see the 2nd bedroom?

No... no.

No, it doesn't matter. We've had a glimpse.

We get the idea.

The old girl reduced the price from 450,000 to 395,000.

Will you buy?

Possibly. We'll try and borrow from her parents.

Hello? Oh no, not you!

Hey, it's nothing serious.

So why are you calling?

A German girl picked me up but we broke down.

What's wrong?

Fan belt's screwed.

That's nothing, I can get you to the next garage.

Is this girl wearing stockings?

Wait... no.

A belt will do it.

You've got one, right? Use that.

Get in.

Guys, we're going to repatriate the Moricets!

We won, hands down!

Right.

Three ambulances, one per Moricet.

What publicity!

No one else knows they're landing here.

Tough luck on International Aid.

They lost, bunch of clowns!

We'll usher them up the runway to avoid the crowds. Follow me.

I knew it! The press is here already.

If the International Aid guys show up...

They always miss the boat.

Someone's waiting for you, 500 metres away. I'll wait here.

OK.

I didn't invite you here as shareholders,

seeking a vote of confidence,

rather as friends... good friends,

to share a few moments of good TV viewing...

And now we bring you live coverage

from an airport near Paris

of the final chapter

of what is known as the Moricet Saga.

Are we onto this?

Good publicity!

This is "the new Mata Hari", so say the Bengali authorities,

with an International Aid team...

What's going on?

Bastards!

Look at them.

That's not very nice!

Yeah, great publicity!

Seeing this footage,

if I was travelling, I'd buy insurance from International Aid.

I just don't understand it.

No, that's not very nice. What about us?

You expect me to believe that?

But Sir, it's the truth!

Sir, we've no available escort for the special train tomorrow night.

Don't worry, I've got one here.

I'll be back tomorrow. Cover for me.

- As usual! - Bye.

My mum's at home, and if Isabelle calls...

- Don't worry, I'll see to it. - Bye, then!

Spanish Border

Your attention, please, the Planet Assistance

special train is about to deport...

Well, then!

Everyone OK?

Try not to ride over my shoes.

That's it.

You got it, didn't you?

Jeez, holidays are a drag.

So have you lost any?

37 of them?

See you next time!

Come on, you cripples! The train leaves in 3 minutes.

Get a move on.

Wait, I'll give you a hand.

I told you the train wasn't for me!

- Shove her. - I should be on a plane!

No, we're hurting her.

We won't let a door stop us.

Take her round, we'll go through the window.

Go on, be careful.

Quick, you'll miss the train!

Go on, shove her ass!

I should be on a plane!

A big girl like you? Come on.

Shove her arse!

Shove, she won't jump!

It's leaving, get on board!

Wait for me!

I've got you.

I'm a paid-up client!

Hurry up!

Madam, Sir...

- We'd like a bed. - Of course.

- A big one. - We're getting married.

First floor.

You should've called me at the office.

This one's not bad.

I waited all day for your call.

You could have called me, I was at the agency all day.

Hey, I believe you!

Without trust, what's the point in getting married?

Excuse me, I'll leave you to it.

This one's nice.

Hey, stop that!

Stop it, you mustn't!

You're crazy!

- What about this one? - Not here!

At this price, we need to try it out.

Yes... yes, yes.

Of course.

It was delivered late, I'm sorry, Sir.

Of course.

Leave it to me.

Excuse me, I'm needed. Goodbye, Sir.

- Sir! - It's very good, we'll take it.

An excellent model.

Have you tried it too?

Sorry, Madam, we can't produce garages out of thin air.

If you want one every mile, India's not the place.

Yeah, right... Bye.

People are so cheeky!

Guess where you're going.

Nowhere! I've got to see someone about a mortgage tomorrow.

You won't miss it.

I'm staying put, or Isabelle will figure me out.

You speak English?

New York is scary. I refuse to leave the airport.

I hold my business meetings there,

then fly back.

Violence is rife. A murder every 20 seconds.

112 muggings

and 14 armed attacks every minute.

The Blacks. All drugged up.

Drugs are expensive, so they need the money.

- I'm only staying a few hours. - It only takes a few seconds!

You're only chance is to run.

You must outsprint your assailant. That's why everyone jogs.

New York is just some big black guy chasing you with a knife.

I'm here to pick up a French jazz musician.

It's empty!

Don't. Don't!

Hurry up, I've got a lot to do!

Sit down.

OK?

Call me if you need anything.

Heck, what happened to you?

I was attacked. In the toilets at the airport.

Black guy with a knife?

White. Swiss.

There... like that. Right!

Drop me at the bank, I'm late.

Mortgages are a serious matter, given only to serious people.

My fiancé is a serious, honest, hard-working man.

He's held a job for 10 years.

I'm late, I'm meant to be there by now.

Floor it!

- Is he a manager? - Sorry?

Is he a manager?

I couldn't say.

You'd marry him without knowing?

We'll have to ask him.

Sure he's coming?

Thanks. Bye!

- Room 209? - It's downstairs.

Dammit.

Sorry about that.

My husband-to-be.

Pleased to meet you.

Never mind.

Sorry.

Come on, let's go.

It's that idiot Marcel.

We had a medical today.

I go to the clinic, strip off...

Then someone took my clothes. I couldn't turn up naked.

It wouldn't have changed anything!

Don't worry, pet.

We'll get a loan someplace else.

The main thing is, we're in love.

Lucky man! You're off on a trip with the lovely white lady.

Where to?

Somewhere in Africa.

Here.

I've come to pick up a patient. The name's right here.

I can read!

Thanks.

Why can't I treat him? I'm a doctor, like you.

Like me? I doubt that!

- Because you're white? - No, I'm not a doctor!

I trained in Montpellier.

Me, in Paris.

So you're a better doctor than me?

No, I didn't mean that.

Instead of paying a fortune to repatriate patients,

why not send us drugs and equipment?

Can I see the patient?

I'll call the Minister. Wait in there.

Get me the Minister.

He won't discharge him. Let's go home.

No, never abandon an assignment.

I'll see what I can do.

Hot, isn't it?

May I sit down?

Have you come for him?

Well... yes.

I knew he'd soon be gone.

- Fortunately. - He's better.

- I need to get him out. - It's vital!

Do you know where he is? Will you help?

Let's go.

They're taking their time.

No matter.

- Please don't take it personally. - I understand.

But Europeans have a certain view of Black Africans in general

and doctors in particular.

Yes, I see.

All these soldiers make me nervous.

You see... we are worried

that the rebels may try to rescue their leader.

He was wounded in a skirmish and is being held here.

No!

Put your ambulance over there, by the window with the bars, OK?

They're here for you!

Right, now yell out loud, as if you're being treated!

Come on.

Here we go...

Here. You're not at all what I imagined.

You'll have to make do!

Then you must know my friend!

He's head of Rheumatology.

Professor Jean-Claude Hubert.

Yes, yes.

- Wonderful mun. - Yes, charming.

Come on, or we'll miss the plane.

But we've got another 4 hours!

Sorry about what happened.

Don't worry, I enjoyed it.

Give me the papers, I'll sign them.

The thing is, he wants to stay.

He might get bad treatment in Paris.

Come on, then!

Goodbye!

See how it's done?

Who cares about paperwork as long as we have the client?

Take that road.

Yes, that way!

Comrades, Hissen is back.

Glory to my liberators!

Be seeing you.

In the name of my people, thank you.

You're not Maurice Delauneux?

No, I'm Hissen, the Rebel.

That's no good to me!

What can I do for you?

I need to get my patient and be back in Paris by 8.

Then let's go!

Yeah, let's get a move on!

Go!

The plane leaves in 90'.

If you miss it, we're all dead.

I'd rather catch it.

What's that?

Mosquitoes. They only bite Whites.

Shit! Damn things!

Should he die during questioning, as a result of his injuries,

then so be it.

Naturally.

Get down, things are hotting up.

Down.

I'll have you shot if you don't bring him back!

What the...?

Soldiers!

Your leader, enemy of the people, has been killed.

Surrender!

You will be spared

and enlisted info the national army

of which I am Supreme Commander.

Your will receive a small pay increase.

Soldiers, surrender!

I think they're done. Look, they've calmed down.

Yes.

You seem to be allergic to mosquitoes.

Don't touch, we'll get you something.

Follow me.

Client no. 906088.

Isabelle?

I'll get him for you.

Hi, Superman here.

Sorry, pet,

but I'm snowed under.

I love you, I'll pick you up at 8.

Here's Maurice Delauneux, your client.

No need to start a revolution, I said I'd sign.

There. In 15 minutes you'll be like new.

But another bite from one of our mosquitoes...

I'll leave them alone now, I've troubled them enough.

I won't be buck.

Hissen! Hissen!

- I'm better now. - Told you, they only bite Whites.

Racists!

Best go or we'll miss the plane.

Don't worry, I decide flight departures now.

It won't leave without you.

If you could get me to Paris by 8... I'll be in trouble otherwise.

An amazing road accident just outside Brussels last night

with 36 cars and 6 trucks involved in a pile-up.

Why do you never tell me about your job?

There's nothing much going on at the moment.

You seemed really busy this afternoon.

You called this afternoon?

At the office?

And you got through to me?

Yes, we talked.

That's right, we talked.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I'm tired, I was watching TV.

...the rebel chief Hissen.

I'll have a shower.

...a coup d'état...

This guy's nice.

You know him?

No... but he's a nice guy.

Hello, Mum?

It's me, how are you?

Yes... fine, yes.

Just to say I won't be home tonight.

There.

Yes, I'll tell him... Damn!

A mosquito just bit me.

It's nothing.

Anyway, I'll tell him. Bye!

Sophie saw this guy in a restaurant last night.

She met him 6 months ago.

Anyway, he hit on her then

and tried the same line again last night.

Exactly the same.

That's crazy.

What's the matter, pet?

What happened?

What's wrong?

Dammit! An ambulance.

What's wrong with him?

What's going on?

Germaine?

What's going on?

It's unbelievable. What the...?

Half an hour after the jab, I was fine.

Elephant Man, after one bite?

Depends on the mosquito. This one was African.

Isabelle isn't suspicious?

No, I'm staying put. I'd rather be jobless here than dead abroad.

Excuse me, are you a client of Planet Assistance?

No, but let's go for a drink.

Not tonight, I'm tired, I'm off to bed.

You're kidding!

Not a single Planet Assistance client in all Hong Kong?

How can that be?

Get back there and find me one!

A nice, cold Coke, please.

Thanks.

Are you French?

I'm crazy about France!

Sure you are.

Same again.

Operation Banzai

in one hour.

Go home, we'll call if we need you.

I'll stay here for an hour or two, in case I'm needed in the Far East.

Fancy dreaming of going to countries like that!

Look, the most beautiful view of Hong Kong.

You will never forget this view.

Yeah, only I prefer this view!

Again!

Again!

Hello?

Planet Assistance?

Dr Chan, in Hong Kong.

One of your clients is seriously... messed up.

Hey, you've got good instincts!

You're off to Hong Kong with Carole.

Lucky me!

Unlike the guy you're fetching buck. He's got 20 fractures.

You can fix him up on the plane.

Don't worry.

Best wishes to Isabelle, who's leaving to get married!

- When is the wedding? - In 2 days.

When we get buck from Hong Kong. Great!

Oxygen: 3 bottles.

- What's that? - Scoop stretcher.

My, you're in a hurry to see your Chinese!

No first class for my last trip?

Sorry, Miss.

What's wrong?

Is it serious?

- He can't be moved. - The idiot!

Here, look.

It's provisional. Once there, you'll need photos.

- I'm off to Hong Kong. - Never abandon an assignment!

Can I at least call my mother or Isabelle?

The flight's in 15 minutes!

- May I? - Go ahead.

Don't be so nervous.

It's bad for the digestion. How will she know you're here?

She trusts me, I hate lying to her.

That's all.

I can't wait for this to be over. I hate having to lie.

We'll be in Hong Kong in 15 hours

and back in Paris in 60 hours' time.

We waited 20 years but what a honeymoon!

- You brought the hotel coupons? - Everything: hotel, excursions,

International Aid...

You should have opted for Planet Assistance!

International Aid is junk.

They repatriated the Moricets.

- Didn't you see it on TV? - No.

Your smuggler just arrived.

- Care for a game? - Why not?

Great, isn't it?

For the Chinese, not for us.

Paris is full of Chinese, but here...

Stop it, we're leaving tomorrow.

But I'm getting married in 2 days!

What?

No, it can't be.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Look... there's the hospital.

Hello.

Hello, Sir. How are you?

Fine.

It's a jigsaw, not a skeleton!

Planet Assistance. Don't worry.

We'll have you back in France by tomorrow.

Be brave.

Michel!

Paul Bernardin.

You bastard!

Fiddled yourself another free ticket?

I had an accident!

Accident!

You're a joker!

You wanted to travel first class.

Never again. And you owe me for the premium.

I had an accident!

Alright, alright!

Are you crazy?

Michel!

Mr Michel... you'll get the rest later.

What's this?

People will protect you when you leave.

Really?

In case they try what they did with the Moricets?

If they do, my boss will kill me!

Me too!

Now listen up. Follow Mr Michel closely.

Call me immediately if you see anything suspicious.

Now get on with it!

Good Chinese restaurant.

Plus those samples aren't fattening!

How's the happy couple?

- We lost our case. - Stolen!

Planet Assistance would have found it by now.

See? And I've nothing to wear.

Come on, I'll buy you a dress.

No, a drink before bedtime.

But it's midnight!

No, in Paris it's only 5pm.

Just for 5 minutes, then.

- What are they doing? - Looking for a sucker: me.

Told you!

Go on, Michel!

- What's wrong? - I keep seeing my fiancé!

- But he's in Paris. - I know, I'm overtired.

Come on, let's take a photo as a souvenir.

Is this all you could come up with!

Look.

I know you, you're the hostess.

Our suitcase has been stolen!

Come here.

Come on!

I don't want to!

I've got no more coins.

Come on, here they are!

Wait, my photos...

Right, now I'll vanish, and you try to find me.

Don't just storm off!

There's a billion Chinese, let him burn one of them!

You always complain!

Yeah, right!

I need a photo for my visa.

Killioy!

It's the last time I go anywhere with you.

The French don't travel well. Like Camembert.

- Finished. - We have to wait 3 minutes.

- That's not my fault. - No, it's mine.

Here we go.

Well?

Are they bad? Let me see.

No, they're fine.

- So what's wrong? - Nothing.

Michel... come back!

Michel!

Come back!

- Sophia? - Speaking.

Can I speak to Isabelle?

I'll go find her.

Go on, find her.

Hello?

Isabelle? It's Michel, for you.

- Isabelle? - Yes!

It's you?

Sure! Who did you think?

I was just calling... to say I love you

und how happy I am we're getting married.

In 2 days!

I love you too.

How's the weather?

Look out of the window!

Silly me!

You seem so far away.

I can't hear you either. We'd better speak up.

Maybe.

Although we're nearby.

Is that better?

No, forget it.

Well, anyway... it was lovely talking to you.

Same here.

Bye, then.

- Bye. Take care. - OK, pet.

Weird.

You won't stop me getting the goods out.

You don't know how I'll go about it.

We've plenty of time for shopping!

- Be quick, then. - I will.

Supposing I kidnap your smuggler?

Would I leave such on important mun without protection?

I hope he's better protected than your bishop.

Sleep well? Any more apparitions?

I spoke to him.

On the phone. I spoke to him.

Aberdeen is amazing! Exactly how I imagined it.

Teeming with people...

And it stinks. Like St Lazare at rush hour

plus it has tetanus, typhus and the runs.

Great.

There's Isabelle.

Hey, Isabelle!

- Michel! - It's Isabelle!

- It's Michel! - Here we go.

Michel, Michel!

He's following me!

I want to get off!

Pain in the ass!

Dammit!

How does this thing work?

Come back!

Go away, I don't want to marry you!

Isabelle, I'm here for my work!

You're a ghost! I can't marry a ghost!

Isabelle, I can explain!

Let me off, I want to go home!

Let me off, now!

Come back!

Stay away from me!

No, leave me alone, you bastard!

Leave me alone!

Look...

No. Watch out!

Listen to me.

What's all this?

Checkmate.

Not yet.

They're heading for the warehouses. Get over there!

Excuse me.

Thank you.

We have your smuggler, old chap.

Where is the merchandise? Speak!

- I've no idea. - Liar!

What about you?

Quit talking!

That's for the UV lump!

That's for the braying camel!

What's this, a secret code?

I'll get you for this...

Tell us!

Talk!

Watch out, don't push us!

I'll never believe you again. Liar!

Shut it!

That'll teach you to spout bullshit.

Tell us!

To think I wanted to marry you!

We can get married as soon as they let us go.

Tell us or you die!

Take your hands off him!

Talk!

What's going on?

Who are these guys?

So, you do still love me!

Asshole!

It's you who is in check now.

A counterattack. But I'm not beaten yet.

Where have you been? We'll miss the plane!

International Aid are after us! Fetch the bags.

I'll fix up our patient. See you at the airport.

Bye!

This time I think you've lost.

I haven't played my last card.

Are you fit? Ready to go?

We'll take you.

Oh, Michel!

Michel, give me my money back!

What is that?

Big-game fishing!

And they've hooked one!

Help!

I'm doing my best!

OK, so I didn't recover the drugs

but neither will anyone else, old chap.

To hell with International Aid!

- To our love. - May it last forever.

Michel!

Banzai!

- What's that? - We're turning...

going back to Hong Kong!

Paris, Paris!

Banzai!

What's he doing?

We must destroy Pearl Harbor!

Those bastards! We need to bomb them!

He's ditching the bags!

Maybe we're overloaded.

Not that I've got any.

Banzai!

I want to get off.

Pretty close.

The bags!

Banzai!

DELAYED

Mission accomplished!

Back to base!

What's he doing? He's crazy!

He's not landing there...

Why not?

He can't, the jerk!

Let me off!

No!

Yes, yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes, yes.

Michel!

Mum!

SUNK

Oh, my dear!

Well...

we're lucky to be alive.

We should be getting married.

Hey, you're a chaplain. Could you help?

- Good Lord, yes! - See?

- What's your name? - Michel Bernardin.

Mr Bernardin, do you take this woman...

Isabelle Paris.

- ...to be your lawful wedded wife? - I do.

Miss Paris, do you take Michel Bernardin to be

your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Oh, Michel!

- So, how's it going? - Swimmingly!