All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia - 06x07

I'm so pumped, dude.

I hope I get to see at
least one ancient spirit.

I think we should get
some chalk and some erasers,

because that dust cloud, you know,
really shows the laser beam alarms.

Oh!
Get a little dust cloud going.

We got to spend a lot of
time in the Civil War section.

No, we're not doing
the Civil War section, Frank.

We are gonna hit up
Ancient Egypt though.

I'm very excited about that.

And we're sticking together.

SWEET DEE: Just so I'm clear,
you guys don't actually think

that things are going to come
alive because you're spending

the night in a museum, right?

I'm sorry, but we're
simply opening ourselves up to

the possibility of an amazing
adventure this evening.

Is there something wrong with that?

Now, whether that means, uh,
Charlie running into his ancient

spirits or us having to just, you know, run
away from security guards all night,

It's gonna be a really really great time.

It's certainly gonna be better
than sticking around alone all night,

watching you eat sandwich
after sandwich after sandwich.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You've been stuffing your face for days.

It's fatness, Frank.
Plain and simple.

The person's becoming fat
in front of your eyes.

I don't even know how to make
the bird jokes anymore,

- like they don't apply.
- I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

I feel like you say that all the time now.

You better do yourself a favor
and flush it out.

Wait a second. You definitely
said that before. You're right.

Yeah, and since we're all saying
things that we say all the time

I'll reiterate. Dee, we don't care
about you or your body,

or your baby, or that baby bird you're
probably carrying inside of you.

Oh, really?

Well you should give a shit,

'cause one of you is the father.

- What?
- W-What the hell you talking about?

I'm talking about the Halloween party.

One of you got me pregnant.

But you know, since you guys don't care about
me or my body or my baby or whatever it was

that you were saying, we
shouldn't talk about it.

You guys are on your way to a
museum to spend the night.

Hey, have a great time, guys.

Oh, shit.

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I mean, what is
she even talking about?

Got her pregnant at
the Halloween party?

What does that mean?

I don't even remember
that party; I was wasted.

Yeah, me, too.

I-I browned out that evening.

Browned out?

What's browned out?

Oh, it's when you drink so
much that everything goes brown.

It's not as severe as a blackout,
'cause I remember bits and pieces.

I like to call it browning out.

Hmm, never
heard of that before.

There's a good
reason for that, Frank.

Because I think Mac just
made it up on the spot.

I did.

You did?

That's a great term... browning out.

You like it?

I love it!

Thank you.

And I-I'm pretty sure at a certain
point, we all probably browned out.

So I think our best chance at
figuring this out is for us to

all put our browns together,
mash them together and try and

figure out which one of
you two banged my sister.

Okay, but let's not over use
the brown thing right in

the beginning, you know.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

Once you throw a term like that
out and everybody likes it, it's

pretty much fair game.

- We can use it whenever...
- It's public domain at that point.

It becomes public domain.

Now we're just trying
to figure out who banged Dee.

That's the important thing.

Let's not focus too much on the
brown thing... Even though it's a

term that I'm gonna use a lot.

And I'm probably gonna
use it a lot right now.

So here's what I remember
from my brown state.

I remember we were all in
costume, and our costumes were

pretty cool, except for yours.

I was really pissed off at you, because
we agreed to go as Mario and Luigi.

I held up my end of the bargain.

And then you showed up wearing a
different costume at the last minute.

Dude, what are you doing?

Where's your Mario costume?

No, I went with a sexier look.

Sexy?

Bro, we agreed on funny over sexy this
year,

so we could disarm the ladies...

You don't remember this conversation?

Without my Mario...

What am I? Like some weird
Italian plumber.

I look like an asshole.

What is that?

What even is that?

I'm that character from Lord
of the Rings, Viggio Morgenstein.

Okay, that is not the
character's name, that's the

actor's name, and you're not
even getting that right.

You're totally, totally
boning me here, bro.

You realize that?

Yo, yo, yo!

Look at the turnout for our partay.

Fizz! Fizz!

I vant to suck your blood!

It's Tvilight time!

Time for blood sucking.

Yeah, dude, I'm doing a vampire
thing, 'cause chicks are all

into vampires and stuff, you
know, 'cause of the stupid

Twilight movie and all
that other crap.

You know, so I'm like, what
if the waitress is into it?

This is my best shot!

You are dressed like
the Phantom of the Opera.

He's not a vampire.

He eats theater people.

No, he doesn't.

I think he might.

He does.

And I'm surprised you even
know who the Phantom of the Opera is.

He might not.

He doesn't.

No, I don't, I don't.

SWEET DEE: This party blows.

There's no studs here.

No beef in the freezer,
if you know what I mean.

Dee, why in God's name would you
wear a costume with giant wings?

SWEET DEE: I'm a sexy angel.

Are we supposed to pretend like
you're not dressed like a giant bird?

I mean, if you're gonna be
sexy, don't dress like a bird, Dee.

SWEET DEE: I didn't dress like
a bird, I'm clearly an angel.

No.

SWEET DEE: Besides, did you
guys see that cooze over there,

dressing like a peacock?

Big, giant bird.

Green bird.

She wears it well.

Woof, woof.

She wears it very well.

She wears it so well, in fact,
that I have now pinpointed her

as my prey for the evening.

Yeah.

She will be mine.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go
get that process started right now.

Out of my way, bird.

This is all sounding right.

- I remember this.
- Yeah? Does all this seem right to you?

So it was later in the evening and

and things have progressed quite a bit

cause I remember we all got
pretty lit at this point. But...

See, I distinctly remember being some kind
of a commotion at the other end of the bar.

Leave us alone. Stop it!

Now this lady sounded like she was
in a fair amount of distress, but...

I didn't really give a shit.

Cause despite looking
like a cartoon bricklayer

I was started to get pretty close
to sealing the deal with the peacock lady.

Look, dude.
You've been bugging me all night.

OK, I think your costume's weird,
I think you're creepy,

- and I just want you to leave me alone.
- Yeah.

Yes...

Dude, this costume is so sexy.

- What?
- I can't believe it, man.

***. She's like...

"Oh, my God, you look so sexy.
I'm gonna sex you all up."

"Oh, my goodness...

Get your sex off me!"

And then she gets all sexy with
me, 'cause I've, like, got the

sexiest costume in the world!

I hate it!

So what-what... did you
want to get rid of that costume?

Yes, I want to
get rid of the costume!

You have any idea what
it's like to be this sexy?

Uh, can I have
your costume, dude?

Yeah, you can have it.

Really?

You'll switch costumes with me?

Yeah!

Let's switch, let's switch.

Come on, let's go switch.

You'll be okay, buddy.

Yes, dude!

It's all coming back to me now.

You came over to me, we agreed
to switch costumes, you gave me

your sexy, sexy costume, and I was able
to fell the seductive temptress finally.

Oh, yeah, so I did have sex
with the peacock lady.

Yeah, awesome.

Ah, that's so awesome, dude.

Well, mystery solved.

I mean... awesome.

That's not the mystery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you banged the peacock
chick is not the mystery.

The Dee thing is the mystery.

Right. Dee... somebody had sex
with Dee, and she got pregnant

and... well, whatever, okay.

Well, clearly, from that story, Charlie,
you're the one that banged her.

That's why you were feeling so
much remorse and regret, and you

had the tears coming out of your eye.

I mean, who wouldn't feel that way
after banging... Ah, shit, dude.

Oh, shit.

'Cause the way you're telling
that story, it definitely sounds

like that, 'cause I remember crying.

No.

Those were tears of joy.

Yes, and it wasn't because
of Dee, obviously.

Okay, I remember this now.

I remember this, all right?

Frank and Artemis were sitting
at the bar, and they were in

the middle of some
kind of big argument.

And I was with the McPoyle
brothers over at the jukebox,

and I just finalized a
delicate truce with them.

So, look, if you guys are
cool, then I'm totally cool.

We're cool as cucumbers.

Bump it.

This time, I will bump it.

The truce is on!

We bumped fists, and Dee walked by.

Oh, hey, Dee.

Hey, Charlie.

Great costume.

Yeah, you, too.

Thanks.

Like the feathers.

And just then, the waitress came in.

Hey... I see you
received my invitation.

Yeah, Charlie, I received all 100 of them.

- Who's this jerk?
- This is my new boyfriend.

He's here to protect me.

Oh, this is the guy
you were telling me about.

Hey. Hey. The lady's taken.

- Get out of my face, bro.
- Oh, really?

You want your ass kicked?

OK, leave us alone.

I have to defend her honor.

- Please, stop it.
- Mac, get my back.

Ohh!

Oh, Goddamn it!

I got milk all over me!

That was insanely masculine.

I made out with the waitress!

That's amazing!

Man, I got to call her, or I'm...
I'm out of here.

Charlie, didn't happen.

No?

That's not the way it happened.

No?

No. You got parts of it right, but
you're leaving out some major things.

Let me set the damn record straight.

First of all, don't say
I went as Spider-Man.

I didn't go as Spider-Man.

I was Man-Spider.

Totally different.

Yes, I was having an argument
with Artemis, because a couple

weeks before, we had some makeup sex in
a Dumpster out in the back of Wendy's.

Yeah! Yeah!

She incorporated a bun
in the lovemaking.

She took the-the...
the dough and rolled it up into a ball,

and then she...
And we were going berserk.

She loves that kind of stuff, and I-I...
I admit I do, too.

Frank, Frank, we don't need to
hear this part of the story.

Okay? Can you just tell
us about Halloween?

Stick to Halloween night.

Okay.

We were arguing because she
wanted another Dumpster hump and

I wanted to stay at the party.

So I walked away.

That's when you were doing your thing.

I'm gonna kick your ass, bro!

Leave us alone.

I have to defend your honor.

Please stop!

Mac, get my back, dude.

I'm here, buddy.

Goddamn it!

I got milk all over me!

You are insane.

Insanely masculine.

It was Artemis that took
advantage of you, because she

was trying to make me jealous.

After you broke free, you wandered off
muttering something about the costume

being too sexy.

Not from you!

It's the stupid sexy costume.

Oh, shit.

Somebody please tell me Frank's
memory is not correct.

Knock, knock, dick faces.

Artie, thanks for coming so quick.

Listen, we're trying to piece together
a night, and we need some guidance.

I don't remember that night.

I didn't tell you which night yet.

I don't remember most evenings.

You can try me, but I will
not promise you anything.

Last Halloween.

Oh, Halloween.

Anything ring a bell?

That was quite a night.

I suppose I do recall a
few bits and pieces.

What happened?

Spill.

Well, I was angry at you
because of an incident that

happened a few weeks before where you and
I were in the Dumpster behind Wendy's.

I incorporated a hamburger bun
in a way that he found very...

This is not the part that we...
why does everybody think

that we want to know about...Because
it's really interesting and innovative,

and I thought maybe you'd
want some lessons.

Did you make out with me?

I sure did.

And it worked like a charm.

I had Frank all to myself for
a month straight after that.

All right, let's get
back to Halloween.

Anything else that
happened that night?

Like Deandra getting pregnant?

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Mac slept with her at the party.

What?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the sounds
of hot, passionate lovemaking

that was coming from the bathroom that
I had heard with my own two ear balls.

After the fight and the kiss,
Mac had blood all over his

knuckles and went to the
bathroom to wash it off.

Dee was incensed that her
costume was covered in milk, so

she went to the bathroom
to clean herself up.

But the line for the ladies'

room was too long, so she
went to the men's room.

Frank started to apologize to
me, and after a few minutes, we

decided to have makeup
sex in the men's room.

But the door was locked and I heard the
passionate, unmistakable sounds of

lovemaking coming from inside.

Mac was making love to Sweet Dee
in the bathroom, so Frank and I

had to sneak outside to my station wagon

where we gave each other handjobs.

Well, there you have it.

Mac's the dad.

Mac's the dad!

Do it with me.

Mac's the dad!

No, I'm not the...
I'm not the dad, okay, Charlie?

Just trust me on that.

Hey, all the evidence is
pointing towards you, pal.

Yes, there were passionate
sounds of lovemaking coming from

the bathroom, but it
wasn't me and Dee.

Damn it.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to admit
this, but I guess I have to tell you.

Okay, here it goes.

I was in the back of the bar
when the commotion began, and I

heard Charlie cry out for help.

He was about to get his ass
kicked by that giant dude.

Mac, help me, please!

I need you!

There was no time for
an ocular pat-down.

Not in my bar, bro.

I secured the area,
and I retained order.

Like I always do.

Everybody chill.

It's cool now.

I had a tremendous amount of
douche bag blood all over my

knuckles, so I went to the
bathroom to clean it off.

That's when Dee came in.

Oh, hey, Dee.

Look, I do not give a shit about
your problems, Dee, okay?

I'm still pumped up from that
ass-whupping I just handed out.

Did you see that?

I don't give a shit, Dee, okay?

I don't know how you're going to
get all that milk off of you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Okay, you know what?

Shoo. Shoo.

Get out of here.

Shoo. Shoo!

Get out of here.

Shoo. Shoo. Shoo.

Come on. Get out.

Get out.

Oh, so annoying.

Whoa!

Margaret, what are you doing here?

God, that is so gross.

You're always doing that.

Are you trying to tell me something?

Ugh.

Is that, like, a sexual thing?

All right, let's do this.

Hold on a second.

So, are you telling us that you had
sex with Margaret McPoyle that night?

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, you know, we got to go confront
the McPoyles about this now.

Yeah, we got to confirm
this whole story.

The only consistent part about
every single one of these

stories is that the McPoyles
were there and they were

drinking milk, which means they
were stone-cold sober that night.

They could probably confirm the truth.

Ah, shit.

Last Halloween, huh?
And Dee's pregnant, huh?

I remember that night well.

As do I. Quite well.

You were all very, very, very drunk.

Quite drunk.

You should feel shame.

Okay, don't give us your
judgements, all right?

Can you please just tell
us what you remember?

Tell us what happened.

Well, we just finished accepting
Charles's terrible, terrible truce.

That's like the whole truce.

You know, that's all there is to it.

And if you guys are cool with it,
then I'll be perfectly cool with it.

Whatever.

Just get out of our face.

Your breath is awful.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, well, bump it?

What about this one?

Do you bump?

That's cool.

Cool guys.

Good truce, good truce,
good truce, good truce.

Ah, hey, Dee.

Shut up.

Yep, yep.

Uh, hello, hello, hello, hello.

I see you received my invitation.

Sorry, do I know you?

Who's this jerk?

Uh, this is my boyfriend.

What the hell?!

Whoa. Time out, buddy.

What's going on here?

The lady's taken, buddy.

Who are you?

You want to get your ass kicked?

Leave us alone!

I have to defend your honor!

Mac, get my back!

Goddamnit!
I got milk all over me!

Viggio Morgenstein!

Hey.

I'm insanely high on mescaline.

Are you telling me that
wasn't even the waitress?

Not at all.

After the fight, Mac went to
the bathroom to wash that poor

girl's blood off his hands.

And Dee followed.

They were only in there a short moment
together before Dee came back out.

Mac kicked her out of the
bathroom so he could make sweet

love to Margaret in private.

I heard you gave quite a
performance, Macwell.

Mm...

Mm... mmm...
Okay, that's enough, all right?

God, that's your sister.

Yeah.

You know what, just move past it.
Just tell the story, please.

She's still expecting a call.

That's not going to happen.

So just move past it, all right?

You will call her!

Jesus, man, I'm sorry.

Fine, I'll call her.

As I was saying...

Dee came out of the bathroom
in quite a rage.

Stupid costume.

Everybody calling me a bird.

She accosted the girl you
were all ogling that evening.

Hey, you, everybody thinks
you're so hot, huh?

You big hot bird.

Well, I tell you what... you
take it off and switch with me.

What are you talking about?

Me, mine... this is mine now.

Switch it.

Uh, I don't think so.

"Oh, I don't think so."

I didn't ask you, okay?

Listen, all right, number one,
it's a win-win for both of us.

That weird plumber... he's going to leave
you alone for the rest of the night.

That's good, right?

And then the second great thing
for you is I'm not going to beat

the shit out of you, so let's go.

Dee came out of the bathroom in her
new costume feeling quite saucy.

Call me a bird all night.

Making fun, saying names.

Well, let's see who's
sexy now, dickwads.

'Cause I look good.

Dee was clearly on a warpath to prove
to one of you that she was indeed sexy.

And the best way to do that was
to trick one of you two into

making love to her.

Knowing that Charlie was the
weakest and by the far the most

vulnerable, she assumed he would be
the easiest to take advantage of.

And so she took Charlie into the back
office and had her way with him.

You should see the look on your face.

It's good enough to eat.

No. Hold on a second.

That wasn't me.

What?

That wasn't me.

I switched costumes with Dennis.

That was Dennis.

So Dennis thought Deandra
was the peacock chick?

And Dee thought that
Dennis was Charlie?

So Dee thinks that I'm the dad,
but, Dennis, you're the dad.

Delightful.

Oh, shit, I'm gonna be sick.

Go, do it.

Feel it. Let it out.

Let's just get... let's
just get out of here.

Don't flush.

Dee!

Deandra!

Dee! Dee!

Deandra!

Yeah!

This is bad.

This is real bad.

You thought you had sex with
Charlie, but it was Dennis

that you went into the back room with.

See?

I had sex with you.

It was sex with me,
it was sex with me.

He threw up the whole
way over here, Dee.

Dennis is the father of that baby.

We got to get you and that monster
that's in your gut down to Mexico ASAP.

Are you kidding me?

I did not have sex with Dennis.

Yes, you did.

All right, look, look, you went
into the back office with him, not me.

You thought it was me because
you wanted sex from me.

But you got sex from Dennis.

Okay, you're saying that
because I went into the back

office alone with Dennis, that
I must have had sex with him?

Gross.

No, that did not happen.

And you guys have been obsessing
about this all night long?

Yes.

Yeah?

Of course.

We were running around trying to
figure out who the father is.

If it's not Dennis, who it is?

It's none of you.

Huh?

No, none of you are the father.

I just told you that because
you were making fun of me for

eating the sandwich, and I
thought it would upset you and

get you going and it did, it worked.

You guys have been obsessing
about this all night.

So, wait, are you absolutely
sure that you and I did not have

sex, and that that's not my...?

Uh, yeah.

Oh!

Whew!

Yeah, but I'll tell you what, I'm not
going to tell you who the father is.

Who gives a shit.

You all give a shit, you just said so.

You were up all night.

You were... you were thinking
about it all night long.

Yeah, but that was before,
when you said it was one of us.

But if it's not one of us, I mean...

Who cares?

Who cares, right?
Yeah, we don't care.

- This close...
- ...man, I really dodged the bullet on that.

Hey, what about the museum?

Yes.

Boom.

Yes, there's still time.

Okay, Dee, we're out of here.

You look like a turkey.

Yeah. Also I would say, I would
say you look like an-an ostrich.

Yes!

Right?

You know, I was... I want to
call her an emu, but I want to

save it for, you know...
You are big, fat, flightless bird.

Those are all... Those are all...
Just sort of a general... Whatever.

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