All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia - 06x06

What are you doing?

I got a tickle, a
really bad one.

Oh, shit, are you getting sick?

If you're getting sick, stay
away from us.

N-N-N-No, I'd better not be
getting sick.

I can't be getting sick.

I got to be able to talk to
Groban tomorrow.

- Who?
- Josh Groban.

Artemis and I got backstage
passes to his concert in the

park tomorrow.

Charles Grodin is coming in
concert and you didn't tell us?

Aw, we love Charles Grodin.
That dude is hysteri... I love that guy.

He brings out the curmudgeon
in me. Yeah.

No, no, different guy.
Josh Groban is who I'm talking about.

Josh Groban, oh.
Is he Charles Grodin's son?

He's probably funny.
What do you think?

If he's related to Charles Grodin,
he is. Don't worry about that.

Yeah, two totally different people.

Charles Grodin is a bitter old
man with a giant head, and Josh

Groban is a beautiful singer
with the voice of an angel.

Oh, he's a singer.
Call Charles Grodin a bitter

old man one more time and see
what happens!

Ooh, ooh, calm down.

Alright, alright, sorry,
alright, no big deal.

I got to go home anyway.
I should rest.

Stay... Come on.
No, don't come near me.

Don't make me sick. Alright,
alright, don't touch me with that.

Don't make me sick. Get out!
Hey, stop it.

Mom, Mom, calm down,
calm down, listen to me.

Okay, here's what you do, okay?

You close the curtains and you
mind your own business, right?

They're not terrorists!
They're just Muslims.

Okay, well, I'm gonna hang up,
okay? Hanging up.

Unbelievable, dude.

Ever since my Uncle Jack moved
out, my mom's going crazy.

She's like, "Help me with this,
help me with that, wash the

floor, wash the ceiling, clean
my car, get this, fix that.

Are there spiders here?
Are there spiders there?"

I'm sorry, the woman who
brought you into the world and

raised you needs you and you're
going to ignore her?

Dude, it's crazy shit, it's
insane shit, and I can't be

constantly taking care of her.
I don't blame you, man.

I'm very much looking forward to not
taking care of anyone when I'm older.

Well, what, what, you're not going
to take care of me when I'm old?

Hell, no, I'm not going to
take care of you; you were a

terrible father to me.
Oh, I'll get Deandra to take care of me.

- She'll take care of me.
- Dee won't take care of you.

You just chased her out of here with
a pool cue because she had a little cough.

(phone ringing)
Forget about it.

That's her.
Answer the phone, Charlie.

I'm just going to let it ring
'cause it's crazy shit.

Charlie, answer the goddamn
phone! Just...

It's not anything serious, Mac!

What?!
Hello, what, what is it?

Yeah.
Oh, well, that is a serious thing.

Okay, I'll let him know. Uh, Mac,
your mom burned her house down.

Sync by InSUBs & honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Hey-o!

Good news, Dennis.

Mom's okay.

She fell asleep with a lit
cigarette in her mouth and

burned the entire house down,
but the good news is she's fine.

Uh, oh, great. Yeah.
(Mrs. Mac coughs)

Um, where is she going to be
staying?

Here, of course.
I'll stay in a shelter.

Hey, there's an idea... Shelter.
Absolutely not.

- Okay, what about a nice nursing home?
- Nursing home?

Do you have any idea what
happens in those places, dude?

Why don't I just rape her
myself?

Rape her...? What are you
talking about? What?

Yo, got your dog.

Poppins, hey, buddy, how you
doing?

Poppins.

My God, I can't believe
that dog's not dead.

Didn't you get him when
you were, like, ten?

Oh, yeah, this dog is
indestructible, dude.

Yeah, that dog is nasty, man.

I mean, he was, like, coughing
the whole way over here.

He ate a couple cigarette
butts off the ground.

He's got a wheeze.

He might have emphysema, man.

Oh, that's entirely possible.

Yeah, it wouldn't slow him
down, though; he's a survivor.

He would disappear for months,
but he would always come home.

Yeah, it looks like his
eye is falling out.

Oh, is it?

What, it just bulges?

Yeah, it bulges out
a little bit there.

Yeah, what you do is
you just pop it back with your knuckle.

- I'll show you how to do it. It's real easy.
- I'm never gonna do that,

You're gonna touch his
eye with your knuckle?

You just, you just sort
of pop it back in.

Oh, hang on a second.

What, Mom, what?

I'm not going to vacuum your ceiling.

Um, 'cause I already did it, okay?!

Dude!

- Plastic splinters are the same as...
- You won't get a splinter!

I got to go deal with this, man.

My mom wants me to...
No, no, no, no, no, no,

wait, hold on a second.

It's back in, Dennis, check it out.

I don't care.

I have an idea that's going to
solve all of our problems here,

I do.

Your moms are going to live together.
Now hear me out.

This is going to be great.

Okay, Mac, your mom burned down
her house with a cigarette,

right?

Charlie, Uncle Jack moved out
of your mom's house, so she's

lonely, she's got no one to talk to.

Boom...
Mrs. Mac, your mom together.

Could be the perfect situation.

Come on.

They could be like
"The Golden Girls".

You know, a couple of old ladies

getting together, chasing
men, eating cheesecake.

That'd be cool.

Sure, whatever.

I'm loving that idea, but my

mom's going to be a
tough sell, man.

Uh-huh.

I'll talk her into it.

Oh, it popped back out.

(Mrs. Mac coughs)

- What the hell are you doing?
- What?

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I went to the
health food store.

I just grabbed a whole
bunch of shit.

It's supposed to boost
my immune system.

I'm not going to miss
that show, Frank.

I'm a Grobanite.

Grobanites don't miss shows.

Josh Groban comes to town and we
consider it a call to action.

What you're saying
is very dorky.

Nevertheless, I brought you some
stuff... A little bit of care package here.

Why?
I wanna make you well.

Coffee, I got you some Mexican peanuts...

I got you some candy...

I got you Stud magazine.

What's your angle?
What are you doing?

Deandra..

We have to take care of each other.

I'm gonna take care of you now

and when I'm old and sick,

- you have to take care of me.
- What?

No, no. I'm not doing that. Absolutely not.
You're on your own.

But... You OK?

Yeah? No? Sit down.

Open up. Put your head back.

Oh, God. Ugh.

Oh God.

- Oh my God.
- Look, you know what? You should go relax.

You should go rest now.

OK, look. I'm gonna do anything you need.

Anything you need, I will do it.

- Just make believe I'm your slave.
- Okay.

Do my laundry.

- Done.
- Alright.

- I'm gonna go rest. Don't bother me.
- Alright.

No, no, no. I'm gonna be
as quiet as a mouse.

You just rest, honey.

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Okay, alright.

Well, ladies, I know this is a
lot to digest, and that's why

I'm here... to act as an unbiased
negotiator in the process, and

to sort out any
problems or concerns.

Essentially just to make sure
that you're both comfortable

with this new arrangement.

I don't want to live with her.

Oh! Mom, why not?!

She smells.

I know she smells.

Alright... Okay, you can't
talk about my mom like that.

Okay... You don't smell, and
you look beautiful, okay?

Okay, I think what Charlie's
mom is trying to say is that

Mrs. Mac has a unique
and earthy fragrance.

I smell like shit.

Okay, Mom, don't put
yourself down, okay?

We talked about this.

You know, perhaps we could get Mrs.
Mac some perfume?

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Mrs. Mac, what do you say?

What better way to kick off this

new relationship than
with a new fragrance?

Stop talking to me
like I'm an asshole.

Yeah.

She can't smoke in here.

I know, Mom. Uh...
Okay, okay, okay, well,

that's... Well, now, Mrs.
Mac, I would never ask you to give up

tobacco, but what if you were to
switch to some sort of smokeless

tobacco alternative?

Ugh! (grunts)

I know that grunt.

She's open to it.

Okay, so what do we say, we

do a little bit of a
trial run tonight?

Let's see what happens, and
then we'll take it from there.

Okay.

- That means absolutely.
- Okay.

Great, great, great.

So, last step. Dog's tied up outside.
I'll grab him

- and get him inside and be on my way.
- No, no, no dog.

- Charlie, tell them.
- OK, she is terrified of

animals eating her face off...

I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie.

- You want a dog eating her face?
- Well, you know,

That's not a problem.
We'll take the dog.

Oh, what I think Mac is trying to say...

is not that we'll take the dog...
- I'm saying exactly what I wanna say.

What I'm trying to say now is that
we're taking the dog.

What I'm trying to say, Frank...

We're taking the dog.

We're not taking the dog...

He's not going to eat

my mother's face off.
- He's gonna be home with us.

Alright, alright, alright!

Fine, we'll take the dog.

Laundry's done.

Uh, those white shorts on top?

That's part of my outfit for
tomorrow, so why don't you go

and run an iron over those?

Oh! Hey, very whitey white.

Uh, you're not ragging
it, are you?

What?!

What? Gross, Frank.

Come on.

You still get periods?

What are you doing?

Stop asking me that.

What? Gross! Come on.

I'm trying to bond with you.

That's how you want to bond

with me? Asking me if
I still get periods?

What's that stuff
you're putting on?

That's beautiful. What is it?

Self tanner. For tomorrow.

Got to look good for Groban.

The, uh, tan's gonna make the
white in the outfit pop, the

white's gonna make the tan pop.

Josh Groban likes his
ladies to pop, so...

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
look who I brought.

It's Poppins! Yeah.

Oh, God.

That's Poppins?

Ooh. Yeah.

He's still alive?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I figured he could keep you
company while you're sick.

Oh.

Dog looks like a gargoyle.

Yeah. He smells like piss.

Uh-huh.

Does it? Uh, uh-oh.

Is he dying?

No, no, no, he's fine.

Uh, by the way, you're gonna
want to keep him away from that

cream, too, 'cause
he'll eat that shit.

Yeah, he ate a whole bottle of
shampoo at our apartment earlier.

He loves shit like that.

Wow.

Yeah.

Sounds great.
Thanks for bringing him over, yeah.

Great dog.

He's a great dog.

I'm gonna finish this
up in my bedroom.

Frank, why don't you
make me another juice?

'Cause I feel like that green stuff's
really working.
- You got it.

Great. So, you'll keep the
dog here, and then, uh...

What are you doing, Frank?

What's going on here?

Trying to score brownie
points with your sister.

I mean, I need somebody to take

care of me when I'm
old and sick.

Oh, Jesus, you're still
worried about that?

Why don't you just check yourself
into a nursing home, Frank?

You have the money.

I'm not gonna put myself
into one of those crypts.

As soon as you drop the
soap, they rape your butt.

What?

That's what happens.

Mac told me.

What are you...? God...
People have a very strange

conception of what goes
on in nursing homes.

Frank, green juice, now!

(groans) The bitch is
driving me crazy!

She's not even sick anymore.

You know, I support your
plan, Frank, in so far as it

insures that I won't have to
take care of you when you get

older, but you're going about
this all wrong, honestly.

How do you mean?

Well, for one thing,
she's in her apartment.

She's comfortable here.
She's on her home turf.

She's got all her amenities,
she feels good here.

She doesn't need you here.

You need to thrust her
into a hostile environment.

So that she needs you to protect her.

I should dump her under the bridge.

Dump her under the bridge? No,
don't dump her under the bridge.

What are you talking about?
No.

You need to be there, Frank.
That's the whole point.

Just take her to your apartment, OK?

Now, separately, if this is going to work,

she's gonna need to feel a little bit
more than just a tickle on her throat.

So if she's not feeling sick, well...

Then we're just have
to make her feel sick.

You're good.

Well, I'm a fixer,
Frank, is what.

You're good.

That's what I do.

Dennis, listen, we should
hang out more together.

Yeah.
Stop trying to bond with me.

They're not even
talking to each other.

My mom's not very verbal.

I know, but they haven't even
touched their cheesecake.

I mean, I feel like if you and I
were in a room with a perfectly

good cheesecake, all sorts
of conversation would start

happening.

Oh, Charlie, the funniest thing
happened today when I was

doing the laundry.

Mom, no, not me.

You got to talk to her, okay?

Don't talk to me.

Yeah, pretend like we're not
even here, Mrs. Kelly, okay?

Go gossip.

About what?

Maybe you were at a
supermarket one time, and you

met a cute guy, and you were
feeling saucy, and then you

wanted to go back and talk
to your friend, Sophia.

So you're like Blanche
and she's like Sophia.

So, go ahead.

I don't go to the supermarket.

The shopping carts are dangerous.

Shopping carts are not dangerous, Mom.

There's nothing dangerous
about a shopping cart!

Let's try a new tack.

Everybody, calm down.

This isn't working. Alright.

TV's going off. Boom.

Okay! That's good, right?

You guys are roommates now,
so maybe you can get to know

one another.

I'm hot.

My mom's hot.

I'm hot, too.

Okay, I got to be honest.

I'm hot, as well.

Can we turn the fan on?

Okay, well, the fan is broken.

It hasn't worked for years.

Oh, oh, okay. That's good.

My mom's very good with her hands.

Maybe she can fix it.

Oh, yeah?

Mom was the manager at
Jiffy Lube for many years.

I never heard about this.

Yeah, well, she doesn't like to brag.
It's not her style.

Yeah, but she started at the bottom,

worked her way to the tippy top.

Yeah, there was just
three people working at Jiffy Lube.

It's not really a high climb.

Okay, well, please don't
diminish my mother's

achievements, okay?

Well, don't get too excited about
your mother's achievements.

Okay, could you...
Mom, do you want to take a look

at that fan, and see
if you can fix it?

(grumbles indistinctly)

Hmm.

What was that?

It means, "Not right now, but
there's a possibility that I

could get to it tomorrow."

See, the problem is, once that
sun goes down, you're not going

to get this woman to do anything
'cause she thrives on sunlight.

She seems like she's
never been in sunlight.

(groaning)

(spits)

Oh!

That's nasty.

Oh, Charlie, she's spitting
into my porcelain.

Okay, well, that makes you mad.

Take it up with her!

Have a conversation with her.

Everybody, can we just...
Let's relax for a second.

Maybe I can get you, like, a...
Like, a beer bottle, would that

be okay?

An empty beer bottle to spit in?

Yeah?

Okay, having fun.

♪ Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road

and back again, the heart is true
you're a pal and confidante ♪

Don't look at me.

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

Turn your head.

♪ And invited everyone you knew ♪

You see? There.

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

And the card attached would say... ♪

(TV volume increases)

Look at her!

(wind howling)

She's zonked.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, when she wakes up, she'll
be really, really cold,

so you just give her this blanket.

You know, get her some more juice.

You know, just be a dad to her.

Oh, this is so boring.

This is bullshit, I mean, God.

I mean, how long do I
have to do this for?

What do you mean?

We've been here for,
like, an hour, Frank.

You're the worst dad.

(gasps) Groban!

She's up.

I'll come find you.

Okay.

Daddy's here.

Take it easy, honey.

Okay, honey, don't get up.

Stay right where you are.

Don't go by the knives.

(thudding)

Let me backstage.

I think she's going backstage.

(laughing): Going backstage.

You sing so good.

Honey, honey, you want a blanky?

I'll swaddle you, baby.

I'll get to you.

No, no, tomorrow night.

You sing in my ears.

Where's she going?

She thinks she's going to the concert?

I don't know. She's walking.

She's, like, in a zombie state.

Ooh, she's going to
bounce off all the walls.

I've never seen anything like this.

It's incredible.

Outside. She's going out.

Ooh, she's going to
hit the skateboard.

Ooh.

Ah, did you see that? It's like Mr. Magoo.

(Dennis laughs)

(thudding down stairs)

(loud thud)

Ooh.

Oh.

Magoo never made that mistake.

No.

One... Two... Three.

(sighs)

Good night, honey.

Good night, Mac.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One. Two. Three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three...
Mrs. Kelly?

Yes?

Why are you doing
everything in threes?

Oh, so Charlie doesn't die.

What?

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

That's crazy.

Bat shit crazy.

I don't know what to do.

What do you want me to say?

The woman's out of her damn mind.

Hey! Get the hell...
Is she waking up my mom?

No!

No!

No, Mom!

My mom does not like to
be woken up, Mrs. Kelly!

Shit! Get out of my room.

Just one more. One more.

One, two, three.

Get out of here, goddamn it!

(door slams)

Whoa, whoa.

Mom, go to bed!

Oh, man, that was close.

Now you see where I
get my temper, huh?

Yeah, one, two, three.

One, two, three.

(chuckles)

What are you doing?

Huh?

What was that?

Oh, you know, just playing it safe.

She's been doing it.

I'm still alive.

Can't be crazy.

Yeah, no, that's very crazy.

It does feel good to
do stuff in threes.

Okay, you know what?

I'm pulling the plug on this
whole thing, all right?

'Cause this and this?

This has got to stop.

Yeah you're right.

Tomorrow morning, I'm
getting my mom out of here.

Let's just go to bed.

Yeah, this has not
been a good situation.

Let's go to bed.

This one look off to you?

One, two, three.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Hey, guys, we got some
bagels and coffee.

One, two, three.

♪

There you go.

Oh, mom.

Uh, where's your chewing tobacco?

You know Mrs. Kelly
doesn't like the smoke.

Oh, the ceiling fan is going
to push all the smoke outside

the windows.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, she's fixing the fan?

See? I told you, dude...
My mom is very handy.

Oh. The Muslims are back.

Where do you think they're
coming and going from?

Damn foreigners!

They ain't American,
I don't want to know 'em.

I know.

I wish they'd all go
back to the desert.

Yeah!

So it does seem like
they're bonding, huh?

Yeah. I mean, it's not really
a Golden Girls type

conversation, it's, like, a
racist conversation, but...

Where the hell is my damn screwdriver?

I'm wiping all the germs off for you.

(groans): Quit cleaning my
damn tools and sit your ass

down! (coughs loudly)

Shit, dude, we might want to
even consider bringing Poppins

back into this mix.

It does seem to be working.

Like it?

Ooh! Yes, I do.

Please don't hit me.

I have sensitive skin.

Let's just find the dog, and
we'll talk about it there.

(whispers): Okay, alright.

Let's just let them be, though, huh?

Mm. Mm, mm.

♪ ♪

(Sweet Dee gasps)

Good morning, sleepyhead.

What?

Yeah, you're all tied up.

It's for your own safety.

Yeah, you took a dinger
down the stairs.

Ooh, big-time.

You guys untie me right now!

Okay, I'll untie you if you
promise to remember that I took

care of you good.

Yeah, remember that, 'cause
Frank took really good care of

you, so you're gonna have
to take care of him.

What are you talking about?

I feel way worse now than I ever did.

(gasps)

What is going on with my face?!

It's the bedbugs.

Oh!

But that'll last a little while,
but it'll go away eventually.

Get the dog off me!

The dog stinks... Get the dog off me!

Fair enough, fair enough.

Poppins, let's go.

Come on, Poppins!

Hop up, Poppins, come on.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, I think Poppins
got into the juice.

What?

Oh, no.

What juice?

Oh. He's ice-cold.

He's dead?

Yes! He's dead!

How is he dead?

Well, why would he be
dead from the juice?

We killed Poppins? Oh, shit!

Oh, my God, Mac's gonna
have a fit, dude.

I drank a lot of that juice...
I remember that very clearly!

I have an idea, Frank, I have an idea.

Fixer's always got a fix, right?

Yeah, what... Oh, this is gonna
work, this is a good idea.

Grab Poppins. Let's go. Come on.

Take the dog?

Grab the dog!

What was in the juice?

Hold on. before you go, untie me.

- Stay right there.
- No, guys!

You guys, I got Groban in the park.

I got a dead dog over here.

I got Groban in the park!

Untie me!

(door closes)

What was in the juice?

(panting)

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Charlie, I think you're right,
dude, I feel better about this.

More in control. Yeah.

Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yo, what's happening?

What's happening, guys?

Hey, I was just, uh...
We were hanging out, uh, in the

alley, going for some air.

What's going on?

Yeah.

What are you guys doing?

We're actually looking for Poppins.

Yeah, we're gonna bring him back
over to Charlie's mom's house.

They're gonna live together.

Poppins?

What happened to Poppins?

He w... He, uh...
You saw him.

- Yeah, I... might've been...
- Why are you guys acting so weird?

Yeah.

Why are... Why are you
looking at that trash can?

Uh, nothing special about it.

I don't know.

What was in that trash bag?

Poppins.

What?!

Well, he ate a lot of cold
medicine, and he croaked.

I'm sorry. He-he-he...
Yeah, he got into some cold

medicine. Sorry.

So you threw him in the trash?

Yeah, what are you gonna do,
send him to the moon? Right?

No, I want to have a
proper burial for him.

That seemed proper enough
for Poppins, you know?

Oh, no. He's fine.

What? He's fine?

Yeah, he's just in here
chowing down on a diaper.

(Poppins whines)

Hey! Look at him.

But that dog was...
Come on. Hey, good boy.

That dog just does not die.

No, he does not.

Wow.

Oh, there he goes.

Ah.

Don't worry, guys, he will be back.

Yeah, well... Let's hope not.

Bon voyage, Poppins!

Have a good trip.

Back to the bar, or what?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, let's drink.

(phone rings)

Yo, Frank, it's ***. have you seen Dee?

I'm backstage and ***
the party is pumping.

Look, if you see her biatch tell her
to get her ass down here.

Grobin's feeling frisky

and somebody's gotta tap that ass.

Talk to you later.

No, no...

Grobin!!!

Noooo!

Sync by InSUBs & honeybunny
Corrected by spyderspyder
www.addic7ed.com