All language subtitles for The.Big.Si3-RARBG

Keep it going
for the next performer,

my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.

Hello.

Um, I'll tell you
about myself.

I grew up in Pakistan.

And people
are always asking me,

"What was that like?"

Really not that different
from here.

I mean, we played cricket,

which is just a spicier version
of baseball.

And we prayed a lot.

Well, not a lot.
Just five times a day.

And we marry someone
our parents find for us,

arranged marriage, you know?

But, for me, it was probably
that we got episodes

of Knight Rider
a little bit later.

And by "little bit later, "

I mean, we just got
episode two.

But other than that,
it was exactly the same.

So, these are
my real journals, honestly.

And this is the woman
who wrote them.

Poor gal.

Yeah. She-- She has
no idea that, like,

giant titties
are about to sprout

and change her life
dramatically.

So, uh, thank you, guys...

There's no bad crowds, dude,
only bad comedians.

You complain about the crowd,
like, all the time.

Yeah, like, that's when
they're really bad.

That's, like, 90% of the time
they're really bad.

Look, will you just watch
and give me notes tonight?

All right?

If we both give each other
notes, I think it helps.

Your notes are just,
"Add more fucks into the bit."

- That doesn't help anybody.
- Hey, fuck's a funny word.

It's soft on the top,
and it's hard on the end.

That was truly horrible.

- That was so bad.
- What happened?

- Just watch.
- I'll watch, give you notes.

- All right. Thank you.
- Hey, that was great.

No, he didn't
even crack a smile.

- I thought I was gonna puke.
- Who?

Bob Dalavan.

Who's Bob Dalavan?

Bob Dalavan works
for the Montreal Comedy Festival,

you fucking doof.

- He's here?
- Yes.

Don't you want to get noticed?

Don't you want
to move to L.A.?

Hang out with Elijah Wood,
and shit?

Nobody's on stage?

No.

He might've been
doing cocaine.

Was he doing cocaine
recreationally?

True cokehead.

- Cocaine.
- I wonder if he was.

Now, before I bring out
the next guy,

you guys know tonight
is Jell-O shot Tuesday!

And we all know what happens
after eight Jell-O shots.

We urinate all over
ourselves and puke.

Okay, so I'm gonna
bring up the next comic.

- Confidence. Poise.
- You know this man.

Give it up
for Mr. Chris Jones!

Smile.

- Chris!
- He's like if a serial killer

fucked an inspirational speaker.

He's like Daniel Day-Lewis,
except he sucks.

I've tried his warm-up.

- It does not work for me.
- So unsettling.

Just bought
a laser printer.

Printed out, like,
six lasers so far.

- Maybe.
- Hey, DODD.

Uh, Dalavan's
in the crowd tonight.

- Can I do ten?
- No, five minutes.

You put out chairs,
you do five minutes.

- You know the deal.
- Come on, man.

I'll double it up next time.
Come on.

What are you gonna
do in there?

I'm making up
next week's schedule.

Okay, cool.

I was in bed
with my girlfriend,

and I was trying to mansplain
to her that, you know, we...

We are on one little rock
orbiting one star in a galaxy

of a billion stars
in a universe...

full of a billion galaxies.

You know, so I forgot
your birthday.

Who gives a shit?

Like, you are cosmically
overreacting to this.

Honestly, you are being
super selfish.

You're right,
but you're selfish.

Hey.

Have you guys heard of this
drug cocktail called cheese?

Uh, I saw these news reports,
so I looked up what cheese is,

and cheese is a mixture.

Cheese is Tylenol PM
and heroin.

So, really, it's heroin.

Heroin's doing
the heavy lifting.

Just do the heroin.
It's very powerful.

You already have heroin.

Is Pakistan in the house?

Really?
You're not from Pakistan.

I would've noticed you.

- Are you kidding me?
- Mmm.

He just gave you Montreal?
Like, you don't have to

showcase or audition
or anything?

No. It was too easy, almost.

Like, I wanted to struggle.
I wanted-- I wanted a story

to be able to tell
on talk shows,

and instead, like...

You guys don't know how tough
it is not to struggle.

It's-- It's a struggle
succeeding effortlessly.

- Did he say anything about me?
- Sure.

- What about me?
- He... They, both of you.

He said,
"Those guys performed."

I truly hate you,
actually.

We all hate you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Um, my name's Kumail.

Yeah, we know.

Yeah, we saw you perform.

Now that the niceties
are out of the way, um,

I have to tell you
that when you yelled at me,

it really threw me off,

and, uh, you really shouldn't
heckle comedians.

It's so rude.

I didn't heckle you.

I just whoo-hoo'd you.
It was supportive.

Okay, that's a common
misconception.

But yelling anything
at a comedian

is considered heckling.

Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.

So, if I--
If I yelled out, like,

"You're amazing in bed!"

That'd be a heckle?

Yeah. It would be
an accurate heckle.

- Cool.
- Whoa.

Bye.

- Oh.
- Don't go.

- No, you can...
- I'm going.

You scared my friend off now.

What's your name?

Emily.

Emily. Here...

I want to show you
something, Emily.

This is your name in Urdu.

Oh.

Does this move work?

I've had some minor success
with it.

Bullshit.

So, you just
came to a comedy show

with your friends?

Yeah. We're all grad students
at the University of Chicago.

What are you studying
at grad school?

I study psychology.
I'm going to be a therapist.

Oh, so you're gonna sit
on a couch, and, like,

ask people, like,
"How does that make you feel?"

I mean, eventually, yeah.

Right now I'm just
doing fieldwork

with this group of guys

who are convicted
of domestic violence.

- Jesus. Oh, wow.
- Cheers to that.

No, don't cheers to that.
To you being a therapist.

Great. To me getting
my master's.

We'll start there, and then
we'll go to the rest of it.

So, my roommate Chris
is probably on the couch.

He's gonna want to try
and start a conversation.

So, do not engage.

Okay.

Let's go.

- Hey, pals.
- Hey.

Hi.

Good for him. Good for him.

Do you want to watch a movie?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Should I just, like,
put my stuff down or...

Yeah, I would say it's safe.
You know what?

That area's...
Go for that area.

I cleaned that earlier
this year, so...

Should I take my shoes off
or is this a shoes-on bed?

No, it's a shoes-off bed.

I have... I have strict rules.

Cool. Cool.

Oh, wow.

That is totally, uh,
an inflated mattress.

Yeah. Well, did you think
it was gonna be

a flat, inflatable mattress?

I did think it might be
an actual mattress,

but you know.

Well, air mattresses
are actual mattresses.

You're being bigoted...

- Okay. Uh-huh.
- ...towards air-based...

Uh-huh.

- Towards air-based mattresses?
- ...comfort items.

Night of the Living Dead?

Sure, I haven't
ever seen that movie.

Okay, so, basically,
the dead start rising.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And the good guys, um...

Text Lauren.

You up, girl?

No, fuck, no.

What do you want
to say to Warren?

She...

What do you
want to say to...

You up, period.

Send.

That may be beyond
my abilities at the moment.

Fuck. No.

What are these scars?

Oh, they're, uh,
smallpox vaccination.

I thought only old people
had those.

Well, I'm from Pakistan,

and we're still fighting
some battles

you guys have already won.

What were you like
in high school?

Were you, like, super funny?

Were you really smart?

Were you...

I was very shy.

They called me Chashmullee.

What is that?

It roughly translates
to "dweeb."

I'll show you a picture.

Of you in high school?
Oh, my God.

- Boom.
- No.

And I'm thinking
I'm killing it right now.

- What inspired this haircut?
- Hugh Grant.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Oh, no.
- Big fan.

- And you're so serious, too.
- Okay.

I read an interview
with Hugh Grant.

- He said he doesn't smile.
- No. That's not real.

'Cause it makes his face
look fat, so I didn't...

I didn't smile
in pictures for many years.

What were you like
in high school?

Um...

Were you, like, voted, like,
most sexy?

No. I was voted
most noticeable.

- That's good.
- No, it's really not good.

I, uh, had acne,
and I was a goth, and...

I had this terrible perm.

Um, yeah, the kids
called me Beetlejuice.

I don't know why.

Actually, I do know why.

It's because they thought
I looked like Beetlejuice.

I think I'm done
with this subject.

In fact,
I think I'm gonna go home.

Wait, wait. We haven't even
had sex again yet.

Yeah, I'm just not
that kind of girl.

I only have sex once
on the first date.

- Wow.
- Plus a hand job.

Okay, well,
I haven't had that, so...

You don't get that
because you made fun of me.

What is happening?
What are you doing?

I'm changing
under this blanket.

I've seen everything.
Do you remember?

We were just having sex.

Yeah, but we were, like,
in the throes of passion then,

and...

Listen, I had
a really nice time.

Thank you very much.

I'm just gonna, like,
call an Uber, go home,

and I hope...

Just...

Your driver will be ready

as soon as he
puts on his pants.

Were you available for rides
while we were fucking?

Yeah, but I only looked
a couple times.

So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you
at the club sometime,

and we can grab a drink?

Um, I'm not...

I know this sounds
like a line,

but I'm not really, like...

I'm not really dating
right now. I just...

I've got a lot of school
and work and...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just a lot on my plate.

Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.

That's perfect
'cause I'm not...

...dating right now, either.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And I actually have
a pretty strict two-day rule

where I can't see someone
more than two days in a row.

So, since we hung out
for two days,

even if I were
to see you again,

which I won't 'cause
you're not dating,

I'm not dating,

I wouldn't be able
to see you till Monday.

We haven't hung out
for two days.

We've hung out
for about five hours.

- Yeah, but...
- Just to be totally clear.

Yesterday and today
'cause it's after midnight.

So, today is actually
tomorrow,

earlier tonight was yesterday,
so two days.

You see,
I don't date time-nerds,

so that really takes you
off the table.

That works out

'cause I am
a hardcore time-nerd.

Yeah, I can tell.

I'm, like, very strict
about a.m./p.m. stuff and...

So, wait.
So, just to establish,

what did we decide?

We decided we aren't ever
gonna see each other again.

Great.

I'm glad
we're on the same page.

Look at my jeans, Kumi.

They're
from Citizens of Humanity.

- That's the brand's name.
- Oh.

They're so soft.
Touch them.

I don't want
to touch your jeans.

- Come on, touch them.
- I'll touch them.

They're like sweatpants,
you know.

You should be stylish
like your father, you know.

It's not very difficult.
Just observe me.

- Get some Daddy style.
- Yeah.

Kumi, why don't you
grow a beard?

Not like Naveed's,
just a small one.

- Not like his.
- Maybe like mine.

Small, cool, and stylish.

Kumi, I've been thinking.

You know, why you don't
enroll for LSAT now?

Yeah, sorry, Ma,
I haven't done it yet.

I like that you bring it up

as if you've never
brought it up before.

How's the stand-up
coming, Bhai?

It's going fine.
Thank you.

Yeah, since when
are you someone to stand up?

You know who I think
should stand up is Malala.

- She has something to say.
- Malala, yeah.

- Ooh, I love Malala.
- She has something to say.

- Malala.
- Yeah. I know.

She does open mics,
and she crushes.

A lot of ethnic material,
which I think is a crutch,

and that one story gets
a lot of play, but...

You should be on that show

- Saturday Night Live.
- SNL.

That's a great idea.
I should e-mail them.

I don't know why
I hadn't thought of that.

You know, I hacked
into your cousin

Rehan's Facebook account.

- You hacked into it?
- Oh.

Yeah, they were not accepting
my friends request,

- so I had to hack into it...
- Okay.

...and I discovered that he
and that white woman

that he's living with
are having a baby.

- They're married.
- Yeah, whatever.

And then I hacked into Tumblr,
and I discovered that

they have named
the baby Da-vé.

- Can you imagine?
- Dave.

- Dave?
- It's probably Dave.

Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.

- Nobody's named Da-vé.
- It's very, very, very sad.

No one is going to visit
that baby, and that baby,

mark my words,
will grow up without a family.

It's like he's dead or worse.

It is very sad. Kumi,

go and pray now, so then
we can eat ice cream. Go.

- Go. Please, go.
- Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.

Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream.

And then we'll eat ice cream.

Stop, stop.
Janamaz is downstairs. Go.

Stop.

What is this?

I don't know, I think--

My mother used to
make best kulfi.

- Your grandmother.
- Oh, yeah?

I think ice cream
is better than kulfi.

No, no, no.

Oh. I wonder
who that could be.

- Yeah.
- Let me check. I don't know.

I'm guessing it's a young,
single Pakistani woman

who just happened
to be driving by our house,

which is on a cul-de-sac.

- Well...
- And I'm also guessing

that the phrase "dropped in"

will be said
in the next ten seconds.

- Ten.
- Ten, nine...

- ...eight, seven...
- Quiet.

Everyone, this is Zubeida.

- She just dropped in.
- Salaam.

- Come, please. Sit.
- Mmm.

Oh, here, Kumail,
for your files.

- Thank you.
- Your X-Files because...

- Thank you.
- ...that's your favorite show.

Huh?

Thank you so much.

"The truth is out there."

- Uh-huh.
- It's from the show.

Thank you.

- Thank you. Yeah.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- I hope you come back.

Kumi, there's not just going
to be a magic spark, okay?

You have to work at it.
You have to stay open.

- Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Good.

I just wish you were
better at it, you know?

I mean, you've had so much
practice, and you're still...

- You're not that good at it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Brought your A-game
with NAVEED,

but with me, you're just
phoning it in a little bit.

Again with the comedy,
the comedy.

All the time with the comedy.
Be serious sometimes.

I am serious.
I want to help you get better.

So, are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?

No, I'm a professional,

and you're paying
for this ride.

I don't want
to pay for this ride.

It's surging right now.

Yeah. Sorry.

You shouldn't have
typed in the number.

Okay, the year is 1969.

MGM has had
a string of failures,

so it turns to its most
bankable star, Vincent Price.

Is this your
compatibility test?

Like the way some people are
with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski?

No, just watch the movie
and take it seriously

- because it's very serious.
- I'm gonna love it.

I love it when men
test me on my taste.

I just want to share
this movie with you,

so I don't know why
you're reading into...

How many women
have you showed this movie to?

Zero.

How many women have you
shown a "B" horror movie to

on, like, a third date?

This is not
a "B" horror movie.

Okay, are you ready?

Just close your eyes
'cause when the menu comes on,

there's some spoilers
in the menu.

- Okay?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.

Okay, I'll hit play.

Okay, go.

Watch.

- I'm watching.
- Shh.

Watch this part.

- No.
- What?

If you're tired,
we can watch it later.

Sorry.
Just have that weird, like,

yawning thing that happens

when you're watching
a really boring film.

It's not boring.
Just wait for it to kick in.

- The plot kicks in really soon.
- Okay.

Your loss. Nine times nine.

Nine killed you.

That was fun.

Uh, thanks for the ride home,
but we got to stop doing this.

- Yeah.
- I know I've said that before,

but I really do mean it.

I can't be doing this
right now.

I know, I know.
Totally. 100 percent.

I agree with you.

- So, don't call me again.
- I won't.

I promise.

Good luck
on all your future endeavors.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Hey, can we have
an awkward hug

before we part forever?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Uh...

- Bye.
- Bye.

Uh, you just promised
never to call me again, so...

It's really cold out here.

It's so cold.

You make a pretty good point.

It is a lot warmer in here.

It is warmer in here.

You know,
it's really nice upstairs.

Is it?

Whoa... Whoa!

What are you doing? Okay.

Just trying to get comfy.

Oh, let me see.
Who could that be?

Oh, I wonder
who that could be.

Uncle.

Oh, let me see
who is that.

Emily,
so has Kumail told you

that in addition
to being an Uber driver,

he also has a one-man show?

No, he did not tell me that.

- Do you really?
- Oh, it's really nothing.

It's just something
I'm fiddling around with.

How is a one-man show
different from stand-up?

- It's really not.
- I guess it's because

there's lots of, like,
wigs and costume changes.

And there's a lot
of acting in it.

Mmm. And then, like,
at the end of it,

you've got this very awkward
conversation where you go,

"I really liked it."

But I thought
you really liked it.

I really liked it.

- I can't wait to see this show.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay, you will never see
the show because it's...

- Oh, you have to see it.
- You have to.

- It's not ready. It's not...
- You have to...

- You will love the acting.
- You have to see it.

They're fucking with you.
It's not really like this.

They're fucking with me
or with you?

It's actually very
significant.

It seems like they're
fucking with you.

I'm 12 years old, and this...

This is home.

Feels like I never left.

Do you smell that?

That's my mom cooking
the murgh rogan josh.

- Fuck.
- Do you hear that?

That's my father watching
cricket on the telly.

Do you feel that?

That's the weight
of Pakistan's history.

Pakistan was formed
when it separated

from its biggest rival, India,
on August 14th, 1947.

Six runs.

Silly mid on.
Short mid-wicket.

Mid-wicket.
Deep mid-wicket.

Mid on. Long on. Long off.
Bowler. Mid off.

A googly is when a...

I have to leave
as soon as the show's over.

- I can't stay. Okay.
- Okay.

So, if you get
a silly mid-on fielder,

you know you're getting
a yorker soon.

So, to review,
Pakistan's biggest exports

- are cotton and...
- Concrete.

- Kill me.
- That's right.

Eid Mubarak.
That's our Christmas.

Except instead
of the traditional Christmas ham,

we serve mithai,

which my khansamah, Chris,
will serve to you right now.

Khansamah is Urdu
for "servant."

If you want to make it
at home,

the main ingredients
are condensed milk,

sugar, and love.

At least,
that was my mom's recipe.

Hey, you look like
a children's toy from Malaysia.

Now would you
all please rise

for the Pakistani
national anthem?

Pak sarzamin shad bad

Kishwar-i hasin shad bad

Hey.

Hey. So, what'd you think?

- Um, I thought it was great.
- Yeah?

I never knew that Pakistan

had the world's largest
irrigation system.

Yeah, something
like 14 million hectares

are being irrigated.

Like, as soon as I read that,
I was like,

"Oh, that's going
in the show."

- Totally.
- Hi, Emily.

- Hey.
- Hi, guys.

Hey. Dude, that was...
You were in the zone, man.

That was... That was
the best one we've seen.

Yeah, that was
so honest and good.

And you know what
I realized halfway through?

- You're from Pakistan.
- Yes.

- Cool, good to see you, Emily.
- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.

- Great. Bye, guys.
- Keep up the...

- They seemed to like it.
- They're so nice.

So, really, what'd you think?
Like, it's a work in progress.

I really liked it.
I learned a lot about Pakistan

and cricket,
all those positions.

But I just wish that I had
learned more about you.

- Does that make any sense?
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

It's 3:00 a.m.

Is that, uh, diner
around the corner open?

It's 24 hours.

Why, you want an old
lemon meringue pie?

You're so funny.

No, actually, um, I just,
I really need to, um,

get a cup of coffee.

I can make you coffee.

I love diner coffee.
I just love that burnt taste.

All right, I'll come with you.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, why would you do that?

It's a bad neighborhood.

I'm not gonna let you
go on your own.

- Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
- Okay.

Seriously, that's the most
misogynous thing

I've ever heard.

- Why are you being so weird?
- Fuck you.

- I'm not being weird.
- You're being so weird.

You're being weird.
You're being so weird.

How am I weird?
I want to sleep

- while it's sleep time.
- This is normal.

Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night.

Have you never had
a girlfriend before?

- This is what it's like.
- Are you okay?

Everything is not okay.
Everything is not good.

Hey, hey, hey.
You could tell me anything,

you know that, right?

You could tell me anything.

I have to take a shit, okay?

I have to take a huge,
fucking dookie.

I can't poo in your bathroom

because you don't
have any matches,

and you don't have
any air freshener.

What kind of person
doesn't have any matches

or air freshener
in the bathroom?

The walls are so thin,
and Chris is right out there.

Please, stop laughing.
Please, please, please.

Okay. I have an idea.

Hey. How are you?

I do not want
to talk about it.

Watch and learn, Bhai.

It's all about shifting
the weight and the torque.

Oh, Christ.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, you're like
a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

There you go, honey.
Yeah. That's it.

He's pretty good.
Just do what he's doing.

Okay, great.

Mine.

Come on, man,
just let me...

Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.

- Why do you get the Chana?
- You go on that... No.

Mmm.

This cookie's really good.

They're biscuits.
Listen to yourself.

You hardly sound Pakistani.

"Cookies."

Sound like
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Such a burger.

- I'm not a burger.
- Yes, you're a burger.

- I'm not a burger.
- You're a big, fat burger.

And biscuit is
actually a British term.

Oh, thank you
for all the information

I don't give a shit about.

And you should listen to Mom
and grow a beard.

Gets really itchy. I've tried.

- It's all patchy.
- Oh, is it itchy?

- I know I sound like a baby.
- Well, try being a man

and conditioning like I do.

What's the whole thing
with Muslims

growing beards, anyway?

It's such
an arbitrary thing, right?

Like, who decided that,
"Oh, we have to have beards."

Oh. But you'll do...
So, there's a billion of us,

and you're the only one
with the truth.

Is that right?

So, the sun is just
shining down on you right now.

It's just parting.

You know, I have to tell
you something, Bhai.

Here we go. Yeah.

I've been dating this girl.

- She's white.
- Oh.

I thought you were gonna say

you were involved
in a hit-and-run

or you got caught
forging some checks,

but a white girl?

I mean,
that's such a cliché.

It's okay,
and we hate terrorists.

- It's...
- Just... sorry.

Listen, I understand.
You're in America,

and you want
to mow a few lawns

and see what it's like, but...

Eventually, you have
to marry a Pakistani girl.

Like...

Like, I hung out
with other girls,

but then I married Fatima.

And we hardly spoke
two words to each other

in the first few months,
but now, Kumi,

- she's like my best friend.
- I know.

You have to break up with her
immediately.

If I find someone
who's as good for me

as Fatima is for you,

Mom would understand, right?

I mean, she wouldn't
love me less.

Oh, she'd definitely
love you less.

Slowly, it'd sort of...

What's the word when guys
stop returning girl's calls?

- Ghosting?
- Yes.

You have to end it now,
or Mom will fucking ghost you.

Now, come on.

Batting.

I am getting, like,
a lot of bright fruit.

I'd say it's very
fruit-forward.

Mmm-hmm. It tastes like
grape juice that's gone bad.

- Like...
- Yeah.

Why do you know
so much about wine?

Um, because,

uh...

I was pretty unhappy
in my first marriage,

and I drank a lot,

and, uh, one way to cover
drinking a lot is to just,

like, know a lot about wine.

Wait. I'm sorry.
What did you just say?

That knowing a lot about wine
covers for drinking a lot.

Uh, no, I mean
the huge piece of information

that you're trying
to just blow right past.

Yeah. Yeah, I was married.

- You were married?
- Um... I was.

I was married.

Do you want to talk
about something else or...

Yeah, 'cause I don't really
have any questions.

- No.
- Other than...

When did you get married?
When did you get divorced?

What's his name?
How tall is he?

Did you love him?

I guess I have
a couple questions.

Uh-huh.

Um, his name was-- is Ryan.

We met in college.

Everyone I knew was getting
married super young,

so we did, and, um, one day
I was at a restaurant,

and I saw
this couple making out.

And I thought,

"Huh. I don't think about
my husband like that.

"But that's okay."

And then another part
of my brain was like,

"No, that's not okay.
This is your life."

I feel like this is
freaking you out.

- Is this freaking you out?
- It's not freaking me out.

I don't want to put
pressure on you.

And I know it's only been
a few months,

but I just wanted to tell you,
I...

...am...overwhelmed by you.

It's the last thing
I was expecting.

This is also the last thing
I was expecting.

And I also feel completely
overwhelmed by you.

- That's a weird thing to say.
- Why?

I just said what you said,
exactly what you said.

Yeah, it wasn't weird
when I said it.

- No...
- It's okay.

So, listen,
my parents are going

- to be in town this weekend.
- Oh, that's great.

Will you maybe want to come
and meet them for lunch?

Oh, we can't 'cause
of the two-day rule, right?

Well, you'll come to Mary's
party Friday night, right?

And then we'll probably
spend the night,

so I won't be able
to see you till Monday, so...

Okay. Well, I would love
to meet your parents.

They live in the city, right?

Well, they live
in the suburbs,

and, uh, you know,

I don't really see them
very much.

Have they asked about me?

- What do they think?
- Oh, um...

Do they...
Do they want to meet me?

My parents want to meet you.

Of course, of course.
They're dying to meet you.

- Ow. Oh, my God.
- Whoa, you okay?

- Yep.
- What happened?

- Do you...
- Totally fine.

Do you need...

No, I think I just
tweaked my ankle.

...assistance?

I took this stupid hip-hop
dance class last weekend.

You should get it looked at.
Do you want ice?

- I don't need anything.
- I can get you a bag of ice.

Look, I'm walking on it.
I'm totally fine.

- I can carry you.
- Kumail, seriously, stop.

I can carry you
the rest of the day.

Stop.

Hey, I liked your friends.

That Craig guy?

Or was it Greg?

You know, I can never tell
with those names.

I'm glad I like him 'cause
I don't want have to, like,

come up with excuses
to avoid him, you know?

Like... Like, "Oh, no.
I have kite-surfing tonight."

You know, in the UK,
Craig is pronounced Crayg,

which is good 'cause that's
how it's written, right?

Anyway, he's a great guy.

I was gonna
tell you about that.

Are you judging Pakistan's
Next Top Model or something?

- No.
- Seriously.

- Who are these women?
- Okay, um...

You know how we have
arranged marriage in my culture?

These are those women.

These are women in Pakistan
who want to marry you?

They're not in Pakistan.

You've met these women?

Just with my parents and
stuff, but we haven't, like...

But you're not serious
about this, are you?

It's my mom's thing.
I just go along with it.

So, what does your mom
think about you and me then?

She doesn't know about me,
does she?

No.

- Emily, just...
- Fuck!

Five fucking months
of red flags.

Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

You ducking my parents.

Oh, my God, the two-day rule.

No, that had nothing
to do with it.

Seriously.
Red flag after red flag.

You're such a liar.
You lied to me.

You lied to your parents.

And those are just
the people you like.

Is there someone that
you're not lying to?

I'd love to meet them because
then I could tell them

- what a fucking liar you are!
- You know what?

You didn't tell me about
your divorce until recently.

So, you were hiding
fucking something, too.

My divorce does not mean
that our future is impossible.

It actually means
the direct opposite.

I'm not hiding anything
from you. Okay?

I'm an open fucking book.

You want to know
what's in my cigar box?

Stickers.

Stickers and stamps.

Aren't you a therapist?
Aren't you supposed to be good

- at handling this kind of...
- Where are my fucking shoes?

Aren't you supposed to be,
like, able to deal with this

better than you are right now?

I am expressing myself!

You know what we call arranged
marriage in Pakistan, Emily?

Marriage. Okay?
We just call it marriage.

There's another type
of marriage.

It's called love marriage,
and that's bad.

My cousin Rehan
married an Irish woman,

and he was kicked
out of the family.

Nobody is allowed
to talk to him.

Why didn't you tell me
any of this?

Because I didn't think
you'd fucking understand,

and I was fucking right.

You don't think that I could

fathom your life
in any fucking way?

Oh, you think you could
understand me?

I'm fighting
a 1,400-year-old culture.

You were ugly in high school.

There's a big
fucking difference.

I'm sorry.

I can't lose my family.

Can you imagine
a world in w...

In which we end up together?

I don't know.

I have to go.

Don't fucking call me.

Multigrain, pumpernickel,

pita bread, hot dog bun,
croutons.

I can't eat any of it.

I don't want kids.

People say, "Sam,
you're gonna love it.

"This kid...
You're gonna have a kid,

"he's gonna be
your best friend."

A best friend that...

that pukes on you
and shits everywhere

and is constantly screaming.

I already have friends
like that.

People say, "Sam..."

I know you're bummed,
all right, but, like...

Emily's a good person.
I'm not saying she's not.

All I'm saying is,
this is the universe

telling you,
"Seize your moment.

"Be a little selfish
and pursue your career."

Bob Dalavan's gonna be here
on Thursday.

If you get the Montreal
Comedy Festival,

it would change things
for you.

You don't want to get stuck
in Chicago, right?

You don't want to end up
like Sam Highsmith,

who's been doing
the "People say Sam" bit

since '03.

I don't like kids.

- People say, "Sam..."
- See?

- Is that what you want?
- It's like...

Is that what you want
for your life?

It's amazing.
And it's the same material.

- What do people say?
- Sam.

- People say what?
- Sam.

I'm Sam Highsmith.
Thank you very much.

You know what,
I'm gonna tell him...

- He's a hack.
- ...how I feel about it.

- Fucking tell him.
- Never writes anything new.

- I'm gonna tell him...
- It's fucking bullshit.

- Great set, dude.
- I'm feeling it, bro.

- Killing me, man.
- Crushing. Love the new stuff.

We should be ashamed
of ourselves.

We're weak. We're weak.

I wouldn't call it
an obsession,

but I'm pretty good at magic.

Yeah.

Can you make
his belly disappear?

- Oh.
- Come on.

I'm too happy with my belly.

Does anyone have a dollar?

- I will give you something.
- Okay.

Twenty? Big spender.

All right. Andrew Jackson.

Don't you think
he would look cool

with a pair of sunglasses?

Yeah, I really...

- Okay. Mmm.
- Okay.

- Oh, he's... Okay.
- Right?

- Okay, stylish.
- Yes. Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

And now we sprinkle
the magic dust on.

Just a little bit.

Yeah, you can't do it
without the magic dust. Yeah.

No, yeah, I need it.
All right.

- Abracadabra.
- Okay.

- Watching carefully.
- Mmm-hmm.

That is amazing.

And he does look better
with glasses.

- Right?
- He does.

How did you do that?

Oh, no, a magician never
reveals her tricks.

Here's your 20 back,
Mr. Nanjiani.

Do you think I can use this
$20 bill now to buy something?

It look better now, right?

I was watching this
monster movie with my friend.

And he turned to me,
and he was like,

"What would you do
in that situation?"

I'm never gonna be one
of the last guys alive.

I'm gonna be
the first guy to die.

I die so the other characters
get to find out

that something weird's
going on.

I go off alone
to find the cat.

I never even find out
that there were monsters.

To me, the plot of the movie was
we're at a research facility

and the cat's missing!

The end.

Denise, this...

...is your name in Urdu.

Wow, that is so cool.

- Kumail?
- Hey.

- Hey, Bob Dalavan.
- Yeah. I know you.

Some very interesting premises
in your set tonight.

- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.

I just wanted you to know.
I'm about to take off.

But you made it to the finals
for the Montreal showcase.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

- You, too, Mary.
- Oh!

- Okay.
- Okay.

So we'll see you guys
up there.

- Yeah.
- We'll be in touch.

- Well, what about C-Dog?
- Who's that?

Uh, me. What about me?

Oh, you know what?

Funny stuff, okay?

I'll walk you out.

Hey, do you want
to go somewhere?

Yeah, let's go somewhere.

Hello?

Kumail, it's Jessie.

Hey. Who?

Jessie.
I'm in school with Emily.

Listen,
Emily's in the hospital.

She has a really bad flu
or something.

What?

Could you just go, please?

We need someone there.
We have exams tomorrow,

so nobody else can go.

She's still in the ER.

Could you just go
and sit with her,

and then drive her home,
please?

I was there
for as long as I could,

but I had to leave.

Hi. I'm looking
for Emily Gardner.

Um... Emily Gardner.
She was checked in...

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Um, Jessie called me

and wanted me to make sure
you were okay.

- So how are you doing?
- Fine.

I'm totally fine.
Never been better.

A 1,000% fine.

Just, like, fainted a little
at work.

I didn't have breakfast
this morning.

Breakfast, the most important
meal of the day.

You know that.

Ms. Gardner, your room
will be ready soon, okay?

Oh, no, no, actually,
I would just love to go home

and sleep in my own bed.

Sir, can you step outside
for a moment, please?

If you want to stay, you have
to go to the security desk

and get a pass.

All right.
Where is the security desk?

It's downstairs,

exactly where you walked in
at the security desk.

The security desk is
at the security desk. Got it.

Can I get you something?

Water? Juice? Coffee?

May I speak with you
for a second?

I'll be right back.

There's a massive infection
in her lungs,

and all her vitals
are elevated.

Does she have HIV?

What? No. I mean, she...

- Are you her husband?
- No.

Oh, we need to intubate her
immediately.

I need a family member
to sign this.

So I'm gonna ask you again,
are you her husband?

What does,
uh, "intubate" mean?

We have to put her
on a respirator, and to do that,

we need to put her
in a medically-induced coma.

- Coma?
- Yes.

To stabilize her so we can
work on the infection.

And it needs to happen
right now.

So, I'm gonna ask you
one last time,

are you her husband?

What's going on?

- What's going on?
- You're gonna be okay.

- Just relax and...
- Where are you taking me?

You should call her family.

Sorry.

Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,

this is Kumail,
Emily's friend.

Uh, sorry to call you so late.

Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.

Just want to get that
taken care of. She's fine.

Um, she is at City View
Hospital in Chicago

in a medically-induced coma,

but the doctors say
that all...

Yes, I did say "coma."

Hey. I'm Kumail.

We know who you are, Kumail.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

the doctors would like
to see you now.

I'll be right back.

Uh, listen, the doctor
will be here any minute.

She's just running
a little late.

Don't read anything into this
being the bereavement room.

It's the only room
we had available.

- Okay. Thank you. Okay.
- Okay.

- Terry, Terry, I-- I--
- It's--

- It's driving me insane.
- Yes, I know, I know,

but it makes me feel better.

I just...

Hello. No. Please sit.
Please sit.

I'm Dr. Cunningham,
Emily's attending.

I'll be coordinating
all the doctors

and orchestrating
her treatment strategy.

All the doctors?
How many are there?

- Five.
- Five?

Why so many? I mean, is that--
is that normal?

Yes. It's standard
for patients in the ICU.

We come at it
from many angles, we confer...

After assessing her,

we immediately initiated
orotracheal intubation.

Thankfully, it hasn't affected
her heart at this point.

We don't know the exact
nature of the infection yet,

but we got her on a broad
spectrum of antibiotics.

...battling critical infection

centering around
the costodiaphragmatic recess.

Our theory
is methicillin-resistant

staphylococcus aureus.

Staphyl...
Hold on. That's a "P"?

Yeah.

That's an "F" or a "P-H"?

P-H. No.
It's staphylococcus...

That was very reassuring,
wasn't it?

Apparently, there are good
and bad comas,

and the kind
that they put her in,

the medically-induced coma,
are definitely, like,

the good kind of coma.

Like... You know how
there are good and bad carbs?

Gremlins.
Those can be good or bad.

Listen, Kumail... Uh...

We're gonna handle things
from here, okay?

You've been very helpful.

Thank you for...
For signing the thing, and...

Yeah, my pleasure.

But, uh, you can go now.

- Okay. Um...
- All right?

All right.

Peace in the Mideast.

What about this?

I saw a sniffer dog
at the airport.

He had a boner.

Does that mean drugs or bombs?

That's good. What if...

What if instead of it
being at the airport,

you quit comedy and never
do comedy ever again?

Yeah.

Fuck you!
It's a good bit.

That's a funny bit.

Just for the sake of the public
that they wouldn't have

to look at your face
or hear your words. That's...

Hey, it's okay
that I'm not there, right?

Like... I don't need
to be there, right?

What's up? What happened?

He put his girlfriend
in a coma.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You know, the way you do.
- She's not my girlfriend.

He didn't, but he signed

a paper that allowed doctors
to put...

He suggested it.

She's gonna be fine.

She's gonna be fine. They said
she's gonna be fine, so...

They're gonna be fine.
Doctors know medical stuff.

Mmm-hmm.

That's what doctors do.
They're good at medical stuff.

This is a medically-induced
coma.

This is their specialty.

Maybe.

You know,
it might be a good thing.

Like, she might wake up
with a new skill.

Like, my cousin, uh,
blacked out once, and then,

when he came to, he thought
he knew a different language.

- Did he?
- No. Apparently, it was...

It was just gibberish
that he made up.

It was brain damage.

I got
another Taco Bell one.

Did you forget somethin'?

- Is she up yet?
- No, she's not.

And, uh, they won't
tell us anything.

We've been here all morning.

I know you guys said
that you don't need me to stay,

but I think I'm just
gonna wait anyway.

You guys broke up.

I'm not sure why you're here.

You don't have to worry

about being committed
to anything, Kumail.

You didn't want to
when she was awake.

There's no need to do it
when she's unconscious.

It's more complicated
than that.

Is it? 'Cause I know
about the two-day rule.

I know about the head shots
and the secrets.

She tells us everything.

You really don't
have to stay, Kumail.

You have already done
a lot.

I'm just gonna stay
for a second.

Is this seat-- Okay.

Is... Is that lady
still looking at me?

Oh. Hey.

Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.

Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.

Yeah.

Yeah, come on.
There's no reason, uh...

Should eat there by yourself,
right, hon?

It's a free country.

How's your sandwich?

Best fuckin' sandwich
I ever had.

Mine's good.

Tuna's always a gamble, but,

you know,
we're not by the water.

Well, we are by the water.
But it's a lake.

There's no tuna in the lake.

Whatever.
I-- I threw the dice.

I got the sevens, I guess.

Whatever-- Whatever
the good dice number is.

So, uh...

9/11.

No, I mean...

I've always wanted
to have a conversation with...

About it.

With... people.

You've never talked
to people about 9/11?

No, what's your...
What's your stance?

What's my stance on 9/11?

Oh, um...

Anti.

It was a tragedy.

I mean,
we lost 19 of our best guys.

Huh?

That was a joke.
Obviously.

9/11 was a terrible tragedy,

and it's not funny
to joke about it.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

please report to the ICU.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardner...

- All right. Come on.
- To the ICU. Thank you.

Hey, can I come?

- No.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Hello, come in.

Please, have a seat.

I know this isn't the news
you were hoping for,

but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.

Oh.

Why? Uh, what happened?

The antibiotics aren't doing
what we'd hoped they would,

and we don't want
to mess around,

so tomorrow morning,
we're gonna perform surgery

to remove the infection.

Oh, wait one second.

Dr. Spellman told us that
the antibiotics would work.

Yeah.

I mean, he didn't say
anything at all about surgery.

So what does that mean?
Surgery? What kind of surgery?

It's called thoracentesis.
It's a very common procedure.

We're gonna go in between the
ribs and remove the infection.

How do you spell that,
please? And what is it?

What's the name?
What's the last part?

- Thora...
- And the infection is-- is--

- On the lung.
- "Thora" what? "Thora" what?

- And we're going to remove it.
- What is it?

Thoracentesis.
C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.

- And what's the risk?
- It's a common thing

- that they do?
- Low. Yes.

My advice to you

is that you go home,
you get something to eat,

and try to relax.

She left the lights on, huh?

My favorite sweater.

- I'm gonna do some research.
- Oh, hey.

That's the book I gave her.

No, I gave her that one.

Hey, do you have that little
notebook from the doctor's?

- This is the book I gave her.
- Uh...

I'm just gonna clean up
Emily's room real quick.

No, I-- I remember.

I met her
at the Falafel place,

and then we went
to that bookstore

that's hardly ever open,
and I bought it for her.

You're not the only one
who gives her things.

What's up with you?

I'm just tired
of you thinking

you're the only one
who gives her things.

I gave her that book.

- Look at the inscription.
- No. No, that's stupid.

- Hey, uh, Kumail.
- Hey.

Oh. Hey. Sorry.

Didn't mean to surprise you.

I was just wondering,
are we gonna do anything?

- You got any parlor games?
- I-- I don't--

What are parlor games?

Card games.
Word games.

Play any word games?

- Um, no, I've never...
- You ever play...

- You Can't Rhyme It?
- How does that go?

It's... Eh, basically,
you know,

you try to find out a word,
a real word,

- that nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.

- And then...
- Stonehenge.

Yeah, see, you would win.

- Ah. Hmm.
- Yeah. That'd be a winner.

I don't play board games.
I play, like...

- I play video games.
- That's the thing.

Everybody now needs, like,
you know, a Nintendo.

A game thing. The thing.
Electronics. $1,000.

When I was a kid,
piece of chalk and a pavement,

and that's your entertainment.

Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.

Throw the chalk at Jimmy.

There you go.
Three games right there.

Jimmy was a real guy?

Yeah, well, I mean,
there was no particular Jimmy.

You know, whoever got hit
with the chalk,

he was the Jimmy.

Uh...

I'm just trying to figure out,
you know, what to do.

Yeah. I...
Tonight's no good for me.

I'd love to, but, um...

I'm actually, uh...
I'm actually gigging tonight,

which is, like,
an industry word we use

for when we do,
like, shows and stuff, so...

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a big Montreal Comedy
Festival audition coming up,

and, um... I'm actually
headlining tonight, so, yeah.

Oh, wow. Hey.

I should... I should...
Run on out.

Wow, that's cool. I haven't
been to a comedy club since...

Oh, boy.
Since the '80s, right?

Rita Rudner
over at Caroline's.

- Remember that, hon?
- Christ. I...

A pleural effusion
of the empyema.

Maybe we should go, huh?

Maybe we should go to Kumail's
show. What do you think?

- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Oh, my God!

- These... pictures are horrible.
- Okay, listen.

Why don't we go
to the comedy club with him?

And this... It'll take our
mind off of things right now.

I don't want
to take my mind off it, Terry.

Our daughter's having
surgery tomorrow.

Please.

- That's a fair point.
- Please, please listen.

I need the distraction.

- Well, then why don't you go?
- No.

I want you to come with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Okay.
But I'm bringing my iPad.

Ah, it's sold out.

I should have said it

before you guys
had the whole discussion.

It sold out, like,
super quickly.

They were shocked
at how quickly it sold out.

- Like...
- Well, you can get us in.

You're the headliner, right?
That's what you said.

I mean,
if you're the headliner,

you can get two more in,
right?

- That's a good point.
- Yeah.

We'll sit in the back, right?
We'll sit in the back.

They got food there?

Yeah, they've got
waffle fries and, um...

Yeah.

The hospital
had the waffle fries, too.

Right.

I... I actually have
never been to Pakistan.

My parents moved here
for grad school,

and then they just
stayed here.

I've never even
been to Canada.

So, um, when is Kumail coming?

He's coming.
Right, NAVEED?

- Ah. Huh.
- Traffic.

I heard there's, uh,
bumper-to-bumper traffic

on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

- That's weird, because...
- You know, rush hour.

I took the Dan Ryan
Expressway here.

What is your dad's sister's

favorite kind of music
to dance to?

- Emily's parents are here.
- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.

- Tonight? Why?
- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."

It's "aunts." It's "aunts."

All right, forget it.
All right.

Uh, is anybody here
from out of town?

All right, a few, a few.

What's your name, sir?

Uh, Terry.

Terry. And, uh, who's this
lovely lady next to you?

Oh, my God.
That's Emily's dad.

Is that cloth?
Little terry cloth?

It's Beth.

Beth. That's pretty close.

Why would he do this?

Terry, Beth,
where you guys from?

- We're from North Carolina.
- Ooh.

North Carolina.
Tar Heel state.

- Stop. Stop it.
- Oh.

Home of Krispy Kreme donuts.
What brings you to Chicago?

Our daughter's in a coma.

Yeah, uh, how... What, uh...
Where are you from?

Okay, it's getting late.

- I should go.
- No, no, no.

- Betho, betho. He will be here.
- Hold on, hold on.

I think I should call him up.
I'll just call him up.

Hello? Kum-beta?

What do you mean,
who's calling?

This is your father.

Okay, okay, okay.

He will be here any moment.

I... I think I should
make something clear. Um...

I want to name my kid Void,

so he won't be able to cash
any of his paychecks.

"I'm sorry, sir,
this says 'Void' on it."

"But that's my name.

"Curse you, Father!"

I work on the second floor
of the bank

- in this fantasy scenario.
- Go back to ISIS.

Did he just say that?

Toast is
a really strange food.

What-- What did you just say?

You put bread,
and you make it...

It was nothing.
Come on.

I said he should
go back to ISIS.

- Toast is the only food...
- No, I mean,

that is a really confusing
position.

I mean, do you want
ISIS to have more people?

No, I was saying that...

Guess what, everybody?
We got an ISIS recruiter here.

All right, glad we got
to the bottom of that.

Toast is like a...

What is it about him
that made you say that?

I think we know what
the answer is. I don't...

Lady, I wasn't talking to you.

What is it about him?

We don't have to
go down this path.

We know
what's at the end of it...

'Cause of how he looks.

There it is.

That is like saying

that all frat boys
wearing country club hats

and Hawaiian shirts

have shriveled-up,
tiny, little dicks.

Okay, actually...
Actually, Beth,

this is a bad way for you
to find out, but he's right.

I actually am a terrorist.

I just do stand-up comedy
on the side

to keep a low profile.

Fuck you.

First of all, very clever.

What? Did you...
Did you write that at home?

Toast...

- is a very strange...
- Fuck you!

- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you.

You're a bitch, you know that?

Fuck you!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, no. No, no, no, no.
No. Listen.

Fucking kill you!

What's your
fucking phone number?

Sorry, everybody.

I'm sorry.

I-- I'm not sorry, actually,

'cause you're
a terrible person.

I don't want to kick your ass
here in front of everybody.

Yeah, that's right.

I got levels, motherfucker.
Okay?

This elevator goes
all the way fucking down,

you fucking prick!

I think I'll make tea.

Actually, I'll open
a bottle of wine.

Actually, um,
does Emily have whiskey?

On top of the fridge.

So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?

I don't know anything
about baseball.

No? Hmm.

I'm so sorry about that.

That was...

I just sort of lost control.

- I thought it was sexy.
- Me, too.

Not like sexy,

but like cool sexy,
not like aroused sexy.

I'm gonna not say
"sexy" anymore.

Hey, you guys want
to get something to eat?

I know
you guys got a formula.

You know, I've been
to a couple shows now.

So is it always like that?

- Oh, like tonight?
- Yeah.

No, usually a different mom
comes in to help me.

I'm joking. No, it's...

It's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.

- Here's a joke. No.
- No. Terry, don't.

Terry's about as funny
as a fart at a funeral.

No. This is funny.
This is a funny one.

- Okay.
- All right.

A giraffe walks into a bar,

and he says to the bartender,
"Highballs on me."

You get it, right?

Oh, that was
the end of the joke?

Yeah, of course it was.

- That was the whole joke?
- That's the joke.

That's the beauty of it. Boom.

- I thought there was more.
- But you get it?

He's giraffe, he's tall,

so it would stand to reason,
his testicles are high.

- Yeah.
- And a highball is a drink.

And you ruined it by saying
I wasn't funny first.

- That's what it was.
- No. No.

No, it's good.
I like my jokes,

like, thoroughly explained.

You're just busting...
You're bustin' my highballs.

Yeah.

Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Complex finish,
flamboyant mouth-feel.

Good. How about you?

- My turn?
- Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Fruit-forward.

Good term, absolutely.
Fruit-forward.

- Yeah. No.
- I'm impressed.

This one...
It's in the front seat.

- It's driving the wine car.
- Exactly. It is.

I like wine
'cause of the buzz.

Mmm. She's a bit
of a lightweight, Beth.

- So is Terry.
- Come on.

He'll be passed out on the sofa
in less than an hour.

Aah. That's nonsense.
You know that's not true.

You weren't supposed to be
on the show tonight, were you?

Oh, me, on the show tonight?

Yeah, I was.
I was the headliner.

Okay.

I lied about the show

to get out of hanging out
with you guys,

and then I lied
about headlining

to impress you guys.

Well, that didn't work.

Also, I think I screwed up
with your daughter.

Yeah.

You did.

I don't know how people do it
when their family's sick.

My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.

Then he had a stroke,
then a heart attack.

Then he had a recurrence
of the cancer.

But you know what killed him?

- Cancer?
- Car accident.

We think maybe
it was a heart attack

while he was driving, and
he did still have cancer, too.

And you know what?

He ate sprouts
his whole fucking life.

Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.

I don't know how
I'm gonna sleep tonight.

You want to stress eat?

Fuck, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I know.
"Most noticeable."

Oh, now, now,
hold on, hold on.

There's more. Look.

The legendary cemetery
photo shoot.

Oh. Oh... My God.

- Nah!
- Oh! Wow!

Oh. I laughed so hard
when I saw these,

she got so... So mad at me.

You're gonna wake him up.

Are you kidding? He could
sleep though anything.

- Hey, Terry!
- Shh!

How did you and Terry meet?

I was, um, going
to East Carolina University.

And I was, um, waiting tables,

and, you know,
we met at this coffee shop.

I was waiting on him,

you know,
and I liked his hair.

He was a teacher already,
you know.

Thick New York accent,

like-- like nobody
I'd ever met, you know.

Totally wrong for me.

So, naturally,
we fell in love.

My family could not stand him.

We're all military people.
Army pilots.

All my brothers
played football.

Terry couldn't even
change a tire.

My father got so mad at me,

he broke every dinner plate
we had.

Now back then, um,
you go to the gas station,

you fill up your tank,
you get a dinner plate.

Oh.

But just one at a time,
like cup, saucer.

It took a year of fill-ups
to get the whole set back.

And Terry...
Terry just stuck around.

Eventually,

they just all got over it.

- They just got over it?
- Mm-hmm.

How?

Lots of fucked-up dinners.

How'd your parents meet,
Kumail?

So we have arranged marriage,
as you know,

and a big group got together
to go see a movie,

but really
it was just a set-up

so my mom and my dad
could meet.

What movie did they see?

I have no idea.

I never asked.

- She's great, you know?
- Yeah.

I know.

I feel good about the surgery.

Yeah. Me, too. These doctors
know what they're doing.

No, they don't.

They're just winging it
like everybody else.

Oh... fuck.

Hey, it's me.

So, um, I tried making
some Pakistani food,

uh, to surprise you,
and either I'm a bad cook

or all
Pakistani food is terrible.

I don't know yet. Bye!

Hey, it's me. Um, if you just
want to come over

and, like, kiss me
for two seconds,

I'd really love that tonight.

Okay, bye.

Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you
want to meet at the gallery?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! A bird
just hit me in the head!

Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!

I'll call you right back.
Oh, my God, is it okay?

The infection around the lungs
has been removed.

We should be able
to pull her out soon.

Oh, boy! Whew.

Oh. Well, how soon?

She should be up by tomorrow
morning at the latest.

Oh, wow.

We'll also test the pleural
fluid from the thoracentesis

to create a more targeted
antibiotic strategy.

- So this is good news?
- It's very good news.

- Yeah.
- We'll just hold on to her

for a few more days, and then
you can have her back.

She's a fighter, right?

Yes.

I was so worried.

We saw on the news
that a train derailed,

and we thought that
you were on the train,

and you had died.

Nobody died on that train, Ma.

But did they look
under the train?

So where were you last night?
What were you doing?

Nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.

- Kumail?
- All right, I'll tell you.

- Tell.
- I was...

I was studying for the LSAT.

- Really?
- Yup.

I signed up, and if I pass,
I'm going to go to law school

and become a lawyer

and do law.

Hmm.

Oh, let me see
who that could be.

- Really, Dad?
- What?

You said that nobody was going
to come, it was just...

- Gonna be just us.
- Kumail, do you know this guy?

People say Sam!

People say Sam!
Do you know him?

Yeah, I know him.

He should be on
Saturday Night Live.

SNL.

People don't say "Sam."
They say salaam.

Everybody,
you remember Khadija?

She just dropped in.

She was just
in the neighborhood.

And these are her parents,
Rahan and Tina.

They also just dropped in.

I've just been on
so many of these appointments,

and I just never have anything
in common with the guys.

Yeah.

You know, when girls at work
complain to me about dating,

I just...
I want to body-slam them.

They have no idea.

- Right.
- I don't know.

My mom says I'm becoming
like the bruised apple

at the bottom
of the apple bucket.

- No. No, no, no, you're not.
- Yeah.

- I am.
- No, you're not.

So, do you want
to hang out sometime?

Like, without our parents.

Have you been to the Cat Café?

The cats just come up to you

and nestle in your lap,
and you just pet them.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

You don't like... cats?

I mean...

I don't think it's a good idea
for us to hang out again.

It's not you.

You're fantastic.

I just can't do this
arranged marriage thing.

With anybody.

So why did you meet me?

It wasn't my idea.

I'm just really tired.

Do you ever want
to just be in a relationship

so you can just finally relax?

I'm sorry.

You deserve better than me.

People always telling me
what I deserve.

It's bullshit.

And stop being so sorry
about everything.

I'm gonna go.

And do you know what?
I watched The X-Files.

Like, three whole episodes,
and it's a bad show.

Wow, they should
call this web site,

"everything is cancer
dot-com."

Whatever symptom you put in,
it could be cancer.

Hiccups could be cancer.
Come on.

Take the fun
out of hiccups now.

But, you know, this is the
17th best hospital in Chicago?

- Really? Out of how many?
- I don't know.

But Northwestern's number one.

How do they rate,

- or what's the methodology?
- I don't know, Terry.

But 17th is bad.

It's not great.
Unless the sample size is...

You know, that all depends.

Here, look at the comments.

This is why I don't want
to go online

'cause it's never good.

You go online,
they hated Forrest Gump.

Frickin' best movie ever.

Yeah, I know.

Well, it, no,
it hasn't been that long.

Like, three hours, maybe.

Oh, hey, I-- I--
All right, I got to go.

- Terry, hi.
- Hey.

- Can we talk?
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

We got the biopsy results.

They are, unfortunately,
inconclusive.

Uh, we're concerned
because it is also...

Well, wait, wait,
what does that mean?

It means it's aggressive.
It means that...

I mean, they...
They couldn't find out what

the disease was
or where the...

Where the virus came from,
the bacteria, whatever.

But they took out
the infection,

- so it shouldn't matter.
- I know. That's what I said.

But, uh,
her vitals didn't normalize.

And now they say,
the infection,

it's continuing to spread.
It's in her kidneys now.

But the kidneys are
so far from the lungs.

I know.

It's an aggressive infection,
and they said

what they got to do now is
they just got to figure out

what this mystery disease
actually is.

Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'm calling Northwestern.

- Just hold on, hold on.
- Terry, Goddammit...

I think
we should talk about...

Shut up.

I'm sick of this shit, Terry.
We're getting her out of here.

They're in the middle
of the...

Of the whole process
of elimination.

So you're saying Northwestern
can't take that information

and continue the search?

This place is a shithole.
I'm sorry.

Anna, could I have that?

Will you just stop
for a second, all right?

They are the doctors.

You act like you know
what you're talking about.

- Doctors are not the same.
- You don't.

I can't find my cell phone.

- You got a phone?
- Yeah.

Don't give her the phone.

Don't...
You don't need a phone.

You don't need to call anybody
right now. The...

They're doing it. They're
the experts here, and...

- And I trust them.
- One, five...

Oh, well, that's very nice,
but I don't.

Can you unlock that thing?

There... There's a reason
they're number 17

and Northwestern's number one.

And that's not because people
trust them. Thank you.

Wait, you think
you're smarter than me.

You say big sentences.

Okay, well, you're not.
You're not.

I don't think
I'm smarter than you.

You just don't think
you're as smart as I am.

- That's not my fault.
- Right, it's...

It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.

Oh, there are some things
that are definitely...

...just your fault.

Okay, that's...
That's bullshit.

You need to stop freaking out
and calm down.

And you need
to stop being a coward.

Right.

The greatest hits comin' back.

Okay, you can just...
Well, you can stop.

I'll-- I'll replay
the rest of this from memory.

Yeah, don't... Listen to me...

Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.

It's the biggest thing
they had.

I don't even know
if she likes giraffes.

We never talked about...

...giraffes.

Hey, do they know
what they're doing?

'Cause they don't tell us
anything.

Like, uh, Lyme disease.

You know, the girl
on The Real World had it.

- Did you guys look for that?
- Yes, we did.

You know,
she gets hurt all the time,

and she messed up her ankle
recently. Could that be lupus?

Listen,
we're looking into everything.

We're not holding anything
back from you.

We're still just
eliminating possibilities.

'Cause Beth wants
to move her to Northwestern.

No. Emily should not be moved.

The hospital will approve it

because it'll get the
liability off their hands.

But we put her in a coma
for a reason,

to stabilize her.

Moving her
could be very dangerous.

Trust me, she is fighting this,
and so are we.

Hey, Terry,
I was just talking to the...

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Fine. Totally fine.

Just, uh... Beth went
to Emily, so, uh...

I'm gonna wait here till
they kick me out, you know?

Just keep an eye on her.

Do you want to crash
at my place?

- You got Golf Channel?
- No.

That wasn't funny, right?

Oh, I didn't... I thought
that was a serious question.

Let's get
the fuck out of here.

So...

This is the place.

Huh. Wow.

This place is terrible.

Hey, uh,
I talked to Nurse Judy,

and she was saying that, like,

moving Emily
could be a bad idea.

Really?

Yeah, she said
it could be dangerous.

Like, something...

Yeah, I hear you.

And... Hmm.

I just...
I'd give anything just to...

trade places with Emily.

You know?

Being a parent, it's...
It's a nightmare.

Loving somebody
this much sucks.

Yeah.

And, uh,

I guess you've noticed
the tension

between Beth and me.

Uh, not really.

Uh, it's none of my business,

- so I don't try to...
- Yeah, well, it's...

Uh, it's there.

Big-time.

It's getting really late.
We should go to sleep.

I cheated on her.

Fuck.

I did.

It was just a one-night stand.

- Okay.
- We met at some bar

in Cincinnati.

They-- They have
these teacher conferences.

Who goes to a math conference
to get laid?

Math teachers?

Yeah.

I-- I think I was depressed.

- That's what it was.
- Yeah.

Let's talk about it tomorrow.

Get a full night's sleep,

tackle it fresh
in the morning...

She just smelled so... good.

It was horrible, too.

As soon as I was finished,
as soon as I'd finished,

I was like,
"What did you fucking do?

"What did you just do?

"What did you do?"

You know, that-- that, uh,

moment of clarity you get,
right after an orgasm.

Yeah.

I told Beth right away.

I had to.

She was devastated.

And now she hates me.

She might be mad at you, but...

But she doesn't hate you.

Should've heard the way
she was talking about you.

Mmm.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Why'd you tell her?

Oh, I had to.

I'm no good with guilt.

Do you guys talk about it?

Not anymore.

She said she forgave me,
but-- but, no.

She hasn't.

Let me give you some advice,
Kumail.

You're gonna know the woman
that you want to spend

the rest of your life with

when you cheat on her.

When you cheat on her
and you just feel like shit.

So to fully know
I love someone,

I have to cheat on them?

Out loud, it sounds stupid.

Eh, it's...
Yeah, that's terrible advice.

Love...

Love isn't easy.

That's why they call it love.

I don't really
get that either.

I know. I thought I could just
start saying something,

and something smart
would come out.

Hey, did you see Terry?

Yeah, I heard him leave
this morning.

I'm going to Subbies.
You want anything?

Nah, I'm good. Thank you.

You don't want a hot dog
or nothin'?

Dude,
it's 8:30 in the morning.

Okay. No hot dog.

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah, you can go right in.

We just spoke
to Khadija's parents.

- What are you doing here?
- What is wrong with you, Kumi?

Nothing is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.

Sorry? That's all you have
to say?

Okay, I... I don't...
I wasn't that into her.

- Into her?
- Yeah.

Do you know
how difficult it is

to get an appointment
with her?

She's in very high demand.

- Okay, so?
- So?

Can we please talk about this
another time? I... I...

No, no, Kumi.
We will talk about this now.

We have sacrificed everything
for you.

I know. Okay?

We have left our family.

We have left our home.

I have missed the birth
of my sister's daughter.

I have not seen my mother
for 15 years.

Your father, he had to do
his graduate school again.

He had to give exams again.

I was in my mid-50s.

They were in 20s. They used
to call me Father Time.

Okay, okay. I know that.

And I-- I really appreciate
everything you did for me.

But can we talk about this
another time?

Kumi, if you don't want
to be a lawyer, fine.

If you want to do
the stand-up comedy

and embarrass us as a family,
fine.

There is only one thing

that we have ever
asked for you, Kumi,

that you be a good Muslim

and you marry
a Pakistani girl!

That is it! One thing!

Can I ask you something?

Something that has
never made sense to me.

Why did you bring me here
if you wanted me

to not have an American life?

We come here, but we pretend
like we're still back there.

That's so stupid.

Don't you talk
to your mother like that.

You don't care what I think.

You just want me
to follow the rules.

But the r-- the rules
don't make sense to me.

I don't pray.

I don't.

I haven't prayed in years.

I just go down there,

and I play video games.

You don't believe in Allah?

I don't know
what I believe, Dad.

I don't know.

And I can't marry
someone you find for me.

And why not?

Because I am in love
with someone.

I am.

Her name is Emily.

And
she's gonna be a therapist.

And right now she's very sick.

But I couldn't tell you that.

It makes me so sad that I
couldn't tell you any of that.

I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.

I truly, truly, truly do.
I really do.

And I know Islam
has been really good for you,

and it has made you
good people.

But I don't know
what I believe.

I just need to figure it out
on my own.

You're not my son.

Kumail.
You're being selfish,

you're not thinking about us.

You're not thinking
about Khadija, in fact,

you're not even thinking about

that girl
you are in love with.

You think American dream
is doing just about

whatever you want and not
thinking about other people?

You're wrong!

You are wrong!

Excuse us, please.

Sorry.

What's wrong
with you, man?

- CHRIS Hey.
- Hey.

I, uh,
never went to the store.

I was just listening
at the door.

Hey... My mom kicked me out
for dealing weed at 16,

so I get it, man.

- Hey.
- Hey, um, so,

wh... when are we gonna talk
to Beth about this thing

- that we talked about?
- We-- we-- we--

We're gonna move her,

is what we're gonna do.

What?

- What? We're gonna move her.
- What you...

What are you talking about?

You fucking caved?

- I didn't cave.
- You fucking caved?

- I don't cave, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I know you don't, you don't
cave, you don't cave,

you're great.

But we talked about this
last night,

- and we decided...
- I know. I know.

...that it wasn't gonna be
a good...

- We're moving her.
- No. What?

- Yeah.
- I-- I told you what

- the nurse said.
- She's right.

Hey, Beth, um, the nurse
told me that moving Emily

could be a very bad idea.

Well, Northwestern told us
it could be very good.

Well, they don't see her,
this nurse sees her,

and she told me herself.
She said...

That's okay, Kumail,
they don't need to see her.

No, it's not okay! There.

- That's...
- I got it.

That's a map of the garage.

Don't...

Wait, wait, wait.

You want to be responsible?

Huh?

She could die!

Kumail,

we're responsible for her
no matter what.

We're her parents.

Now, I'm sorry,
we're moving her.

Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.

Can I take your order, please?

Yeah, um, can I get a burger
with four slices of cheese?

Four burgers.
Anything else, sir?

No, one burger
with four slices of cheese.

One burger with four slice--

I'm sorry,
we can't do that.

Just put four slices of cheese
on a burger.

We can't do that.
There's no button...

Who the fuck is this
"we," man?

Who the fuck is this "we"?
It's me and you!

We're just people!
Fucking listen to me!

Fuck this corporate entity!

Put four slices of cheese
on the fucking burger!

- We can't do that.
- What the fuck?

You fucking idiot! Hey!

Hey, look at me, look at me.

'Cause I'm a human being, you
are a human being. Look at me!

Look me in the eyes
when you fuck me!

Look at me! Please!

Today's my first day.

Fuck you!

I'll just ring you up
for four burgers.

I'm sorry.

Do you want any fries
or drink with that?

I'll take four fries.

I'm sorry.

Fuck!

...your life
dramatically.

Um, so then I started
keeping this journal.

And the journal is,
like, you know,

me overcompensating
and trying to act like

I'm living this, like, cool,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.

When, in reality,
I'm in third grade,

crying all the time.

Hey, man,
Montreal Finals. You ready?

Oh, wait, are you getting all,
like, dark and moody

before your set?

Yeah, punish yourself
like a nasty, little baby.

Okay, okay, I am not
in the mood, okay, Chris?

I'll get you in the mood.

- You all right?
- I'll get you all in the mood!

Why is everybody saying
the same fucking thing?

- Yeah, I decide...
- Dude, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm doing great.

Okay, all right, dude,
I'm just checking on you.

It would have stuff,
like, you know, like,

an in-unit washer and dryer...

The fuck have you been, man?

- You're on next.
- Okay, okay.

Thank you, guys.
I love you.

Hello?

Kumail, is that you?

- Yeah.
- It's Terry.

Uh, listen,
we're not moving her.

The doctor, they said...

Have you guys heard of this

new drug cocktail
called cheese?

Like, that's the name of it,
it's called cheese.

Um... I saw all these news
reports, and they were like,

"There's a new drug,
it's called cheese.

"Everyone's doing it
in the Midwest.

"Kids are doing it."

It's just really hard
to do stand-up comedy

when your girlfriend
is in a coma.

Uh...

Not quite sure what part
you were laughing at.

They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like

she's fighting,
she looks like she's just...

She looks like
she's just laying there.

I said horrible things to her,
and, um,

I said horrible things to her,
I h-- I hurt her.

Um...

She loves birds.

Like, she gets excited
every time she sees a bird.

She's like,

"Look at this, it's a bird."

I'm always like, "Yeah,
they're all over the place.

"They're birds."

But she, like...

She likes that bird, you know?

Every bird she sees,
she sees it.

Her dad just called

and said that they can't
transfer her

because the infection
has reached her heart.

Uh...

Which...

Which means she...

Which means she could die.

I don't know if you can
hear me or not, but...

...it would be really good
if you pulled through.

If you have to go,
you can go, but...

It would be really great
if you stayed.

Uh...

And I'm really sorry
for what I did, okay?

Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.

Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.

Mom.

You're getting your tears
all over me.

When am I gonna be able
to feel my face?

Hmm.

Hey, you gave us
quite a scare there, scout.

- Really.
- Scout?

Come on,
I call you that all the time.

No, not since

- I was a grown-up.
- Yes, I do.

I've been calling you that
my whole life.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh.

- Sorry, hon.
- What's happening?

- You okay? You all right?
- What is that crap?

We have to thicken
your liquids for a bit.

Your esophagus isn't strong
enough to swallow yet.

That shit tastes like semen.

That's nice

- for a father to hear.
- She won't have

any social inhibitions
until the...

The anesthetic wears off.

Seriously, Mom,
you should try this.

- No, wait a minute, honey.
- Stop saying that.

- Not the cup.
- Oh, come on,

come on, come on.

They'll charge us $48 for it,
don't worry about it.

Why are you here?

I-- I haven't
heard her voice in a while.

He's been...
He's been here the whole time.

Could I speak
with you both outside?

Yeah.

- We'll be right back.
- Yeah, we'll be right outside.

All right.

Hey.

Emily has a rare condition

called adult-onset
Still's disease.

Kumail mentioned
Emily's hurt ankle,

and the swelling
still hadn't gone down

even after several days
in bed,

- which is strange.
- Mmm.

Still's disease is when
the body thinks healthy tissue

is an infection,
so it tries to fight it.

- Uh-huh.
- It's like a big

biological misunderstanding.

- Yeah, yeah.
- So,

we gave her
anti-inflammatories,

and she stabilized
within hours.

She's gonna take time
to recover,

but she'll be fine.

- Wow.
- Full recovery.

What are you doing here?

I was visiting someone
down the hall,

and I was, like,
I'll just pop in

- and say hi to Emily.
- Oh.

No, I'm joking.
I'm here for you.

You're an asshole,
and I don't like you.

I'm not an asshole.
I'm really not.

Oh, no, you're an asshole.

You have a lot of drugs
in you,

so you're, like,
not thinking as clearly.

No, dawg, I'm not joking.

You're not funny to me.

You just make me sad.

You make me sad
inside of my heart,

and it makes me sad
to look at you.

So, I think you should
probably go.

Just go,
and tell my mom I want her.

Will you please get my mom?

- I'm so sorry about that.
- Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

Um, Emily wants to see you.

Oh.

Um, I'm gonna head out.

I don't think
I should be here.

Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.

Your living condition,
it's, uh...

It's a potential health risk.

And you're not that funny.

But you're probably not suited
to do anything else either,

so that's troublesome.

You really made it sound
like you were gonna

say something positive there.

Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?

Well, you know...

You know I know
the good stuff.

I know the good stuff.

I don't know, so you know...

You know how I feel.
I got to...

- I got to get in.
- Yeah.

What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?

Brick on top of
the grilled cheese and...

Yeah.

Yeah, I want that.

- Be right back.
- Bacon or something...

- Hey.
- Hey.

So you're gonna hang around
Chicago for a while?

Yeah.

- She's got physical therapy.
- Oh.

Did you ever think
you'd be excited

to have your daughter
go through physical therapy?

It's so strange
that we could go through

one of the most intense
experiences

of our lives together
and just...

Just never see
each other again.

Maybe.

But I hope not.

...threw a bird at you,
and then ran away,

and you're like, "Oh, crap!

"I own a bird now!"

Hi, little sad man.

Mopey boy.

Hey.

We have something
to tell you.

Yes. Tell him.

- We're moving to New York.
- New York.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

And we want you
to come with us.

Are you serious?

You got to do it.
It's gonna suck at first,

but we're gonna
have each other,

and maybe we'll eventually
get paid to write jokes.

Mm-hmm.
- It's gonna be the best.

Come on, dude.

You have to come.

I know you did not
get Montreal,

and that is only because

you did one of the worst sets
I've ever seen

in my goddamn life.

- Yeah.
- It was nonsense.

A living disgrace.

I would call it shit,
but I would be worried

that I'd be insulting
actual shit.

Yeah, it was
so bone-chilling to me,

I thought a ghost had
passed right through me.

We don't have to
keep going over

how bad the set was.

I saw their faces

and the noises
they didn't make.

I felt one of my eggs die.

Doesn't that happen,
like, every month?

It happens every month,
Kumail,

but I don't always
feel it and go...

And that's what
you made me do.

- Yeah.
- I...

I'm packing my things up,
and I'm moving to New York,

and guess what, baby.
You're coming with me.

What about Chris?

Have you ever seen a pigeon

try and pick up
another pigeon?

He will be fine.

There's not enough room
in the car, probably.

We leave in a week. All right?

And I already called shotgun,
Chicago to Pittsburgh.

Do not fuck this up.

Your destiny awaits.

This'll be the biggest
move of your life,

other than the one
from Pakistan.

Yeah.

I didn't have any kind
of epiphany or anything...

Hey, clink, clink, clink,
clink, clink.

Hey, everybody. Thank you
for, uh, for coming.

I just want to say
a couple, uh...

A couple of words here.

Mom, why is Kumail here?

'Cause he was there
the whole time, you know.

I invited the nurses,
I invited him.

And, um, for...

Emily, come on up,
come on up here.

I want to say something.

- I want to say something.
- Dad.

Talk
amongst yourselves.

This might take a...

Emily successfully peeled
an orange this morning.

- Dad!
- Yeah.

It was... It was a clementine.

Full disclosure, a clementine.

It's those little ones
that, you know,

a baby monkey could peel it.

But, uh, but she did it.

And... And, yeah, so that's all.
We just...

Thank you, everybody. Hey...

Hi.

I like your cane.

- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.
- Right.

Hey, could we talk
for a second?

Sure.

So I've been collecting
some things, uh,

that are important to me,

and I wanted to
show them to you.

I call this
my bag of devotion.

Uh, so this is, uh,
all the visitor passes

from when I visited you
when you were in the...

um...

So... these are the tickets

from when your parents
came to see me perform,

and, uh, I-- I realized
how great they are,

and how great you are,

and how great honesty is.

What did you do?

Did you cremate someone?

These are the ashes
of all the Pakistani women...

Not the women--

The pictures of
the Pakistani women.

I thought this was a good idea,
and it feels kind of...

It feels a little stupid.

I know I was
a terrible boyfriend,

but I have changed.

And I am the person
you need me to be.

I really am.

So...

Will you take me back?

Kumail, I'm really glad
that you...

went through this experience,

but you have
to understand that

that all happened
when I was asleep.

Like, you felt one way
a few weeks ago,

and now you're saying you feel
the total opposite way,

and the only thing
that's changed

is that I was in a coma.

Honestly, I-- I--

I look at all of this,
and I just think,

you know,
I just can't do it again.

- And I can't...
- I...

I can't be the reason
that you don't have a family.

It just feels
totally different now.

And I can't do that again.

Do you understand?

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay.

Sorry.

Ma.

Dad.

Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?

Oh, there's no plate.

Oh.

Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided

I won't let you
kick me out of the family.

Since I'm a member
of the family,

it would stand to reason
that I would get a vote

in whether or not
I get kicked out,

and that vote would have
to be unanimous,

standard parliamentary
procedure.

So, all those in favor
of not kicking Kumail

out of the family,
raise your hand.

Great. Motion to kick Kumail
out of the family denied.

So, you guys can
just talk to me.

Okay, you're giving me
the silent treatment.

I figured that was
what was gonna happen.

I have a solution.

So, "Hi, how are you?"

That's just a real basic one.
You know.

"Pass the salt."
Practical.

"Always with the comedy."

Mom, made that one
specially for you.

"Kumail, how did you become
so much more handsome

"than your brother NAVEED?"

Bullshit.

I admit, this one is designed

to stir up some controversy.

"It's interesting
how you can't really

"kick someone out
of your family because

"they will always be
your family."

I agree with that one.
That's a good one.

So, I'm gonna leave these
here for you.

I am sorry I lied
about the girls

and the LSAT and all of that.

That was wrong.

And one more thing.

I'm moving to New York
to pursue stand-up,

but I am not leaving
this family.

My parents, um, they want
me to get arrange married.

Or, as it's, uh,
called in Pakistan, romance!

And earlier today,

I told them everything.
I told them

about my life,
I told them about Emily.

They kicked me
out of the family.

I may never
talk to them again.

So, that happened.

- What is it?
- Can I come in?

Okay.

I swear, you and Dad

are just like
my freshman year roommate,

but instead of just,
like, boning random dudes,

you're just parenting
all the time.

All over the place.
In every room of the house.

Including right next to me.

We got to go.

Home?

- No.
- Yeah.

It's time.

I'm not ready.

Yeah, you know what?

You're strong.

And you are.

And we would go to the mosque
and hear graphic details

of religious people
being killed 1,400 years ago.

I mean, like,
Tarantino-esque details.

And everyone would be crying,

like, competing to see
who could cry the hardest.

And I could never cry.

And I was like,
what is wrong with me?

Am I broken?

The only time
I've cried that much

is during
the first 15 minutes of Up.

This is a picture of me
and my mother.

I'm seven years old.

You know people, they talk
about the-- the New York water.

Chicago water
is very underrated, I think.

It's good.

Hey, guys.

I think I might
just pop out for a bit.

What, by yourself?

Yeah, just hop
around the block.

Maybe get some frozen yogurt.

You okay?
Can you do it?

Can you walk by yourself?

- Yeah, Dad.
- All right.

Have fun.

If you feel a coma
coming on, call us.

- Dad, it's too soon.
- Right.

I love you,
I'll see you in the morning.

- Love you.
- Bye.

Okay. Love you. Bye.

- Have fun.
- I will.

- Got your phone?
- Yep.

But you liked it, huh?

Yeah. I mean...

Yeah.

I mean...

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- Uh...

I was in the neighborhood,

and I saw that you were
gonna be here,

so I thought I'd come say hi.

You look great.

How's your blood oxygen level?

Oh, well within range.

Nice.

Um, this is my brother,
NAVEED.

- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. I'm Emily.

I've heard lots about you.

It's so good
to finally meet you.

Yeah.

There's actually something
I wanted to, uh, tell you.

Okay, well, I'm gonna just...

- Good-bye.
- Bye.

See you, Bhai.

Are you warm enough?

Yeah, yeah. I got
my two pairs of socks on.

Do you mind?

No.

I'm glad
we're going home tomorrow.

Me, too.

See? I should've
brushed my teeth.

I like it.

When something
like this happens,

there's this
sort of expectation

that you're gonna
have this completely,

like, new lease on life, and...

feel totally different
about everything,

and, like,
cherish every sunrise,

and, like, for the most part,

I just feel like, ugh,
I can't get up that early.

You know?

I'm sorry, I feel like

I've been talking
about myself so much.

No.

Are you doing
a lot of stand-up?

- Are you...
- Yeah. I, uh,

bombed my Montreal
Comedy Festival audition.

Like, horrifically, like...

I saw the video.

Yeah.

- It wasn't great.
- No... No.

I'll be honest with you,
it wasn't great.

No. I know.

But there was a lot I liked.
Like a-- like a lot I liked.

I'm moving to New York.

Really?

Yeah, um...

Mary and CJ and I are, like...

Just gonna drive out, and we
have a place all ready, and...

- When do you leave?
- Next weekend.

I-- I'm so excited for you.
That is so great.

Like, you are going to just...

do so great in New York.

What were you gonna say?

What?

You said you were gonna
say something to me.

What was it?

Oh, just that I, um,
I wanted to thank you.

Uh, my parents told me

everything
that you did for me,

and I feel like
the last time we spoke,

I didn't properly
thank you, so...

Oh. Yeah.

Totally fine.

I should probably go.

- Do you want to call an Uber?
- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

So, this has been
really great.

All right.

- Okay, bye.
- Yeah.

The scene is gonna be, like,

so different
with you guys gone.

Well, you should come out.

No, I'm-- I'm good here.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

Get out of here, you assholes.

All right.

Come here,
you big dummy.

- Bye.
- I'll miss you.

You're still kicked out
of the family.

But because we did not
get a proper chance

to say bye to you, so...

Your mother
is so angry with you.

She's not going to
get out of the car.

She's not even going
to look at you.

I don't believe that you kept
so much of secret

from me, your father.

Sorry.

Here.

She asked me
to give this to you.

Mutton biryani.

For your trip.

Your favorite.

She made it herself, specially
for you, with extra potatoes.

Thank you, Ma!

- Is she okay?
- Right now?

No.

I'll miss you.

I'm forbidden
from hugging you, so...

...it was nice to
have you as my son.

Good-bye forever.

And do me a favor,
when you reach New York,

just text us and tell us that
you've reached safely, okay?

I will.

Dad, can I ask you something?

When you and Mom
went on your first date,

what movie did you see?

Satte Pe Satta.

Her favorite song.

Why you asking?

I was just curious.

Okay.

- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

- Okay.
- All right.

- See you later, dudes.
- Let's do it.

- See you.
- Hey, we'll text.

- Ooh, sorry.
- Yeah, please do.

So, the first time
I came to America,

I was, like, 14,

and I was just visiting
my uncle in New York,

and it just happened
to be Thanksgiving.

My first day in America,
my uncle took me

to the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day parade.

And I was like, "This is
every day in America!"

As advertised.

Every day, they have a party
celebrating Garfield.

No day has lived up
to that day.

I was, uh,
lying to my parents,

I was telling them
I was gonna be a lawyer.

And they're very disappointed

'cause they wanted me
to be a doctor.

You guys are like,
why didn't you just tell them

that you wanted
to be a doctor?

It's a lie anyway,
and I'm like,

well, it has to be believable.

If I told them
"I want to be a doctor,"

they'd be like, "Bullshit."

If I said "lawyer,"
they're like, "Oh, okay.

"That's something."

'Cause there's
a strict hierarchy.

It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,

hundreds of jobs,

ISIS, then comedian.

Ah, I'm sorry.

It's very rude
to heckle comedians.

Oh, that wasn't a heckle.

I just kind of
whoo-hoo'd for you.

Well, see,
that's a common misconception.

Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.

So if I was like, "Oh, my God,
you're amazing in bed!"

That would be a...

...heckle?

Yeah, and now you're getting
more laughs than me,

and I don't like that.

Do you want to come up,
do my job?

Let's talk about...

So, are you
from out of town, ma'am?

- Chicago.
- Ooh, Windy City.

And what brings you
to New York?

- Here to see someone.
- And, um...

Have you seen him?
Or her? I mean, I don't...

I don't know
what your deal is, but...

Yeah, I've seen him.