All language subtitles for The Thick of It - 01x01 - Episode #1.1.Unspecified.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Thank you.

Morning.

Morning, morning, morning, morning.

Morning, Cliff. Let me take that.

- Up all night with these bloody things.
- Yep.

At a time like this, for God's sake.

(Cliff) ..going to have a pizza.
(Terri) Can I have the digest? Thank you.

..putting them off.

- Would you mind taking them?
- Oh. No. Why?

- Erm, Malcolm's there.
- Malcolm? Where?

- In there? Why?
- In your office. It's just a social call.

- A social call? Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.

Erm...have you got him coffee?

- Has Malcolm Tucker got coffee?
- I thought you were organising...

Oh, for Christ's...
Get him... Get coffee, get, erm...

- Get danish pastries, croissants...
- Danish pastries, croissants.

- No, no, fruit. Get lots of fruit.
- Can you get fruit?

- Pile of fruit and lots of coffee, now.
- Fruit...

(Malcolm) No, he's useless.
He's absolutely useless.

He is, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in.

- Don't interrupt your call cos of me.
- You're a Minister of the Crown,

you don't need to listen
to all of my fucking chutney.

- I'm sure it's more interesting than chutney.
- No, no, it's just my cock-up, as usual.

I thought that Graham Dixon was doing
a briefing but it was Graham Hughes.

Too many Grahams.
We ought to kill some of them.

(Malcolm) Exactly. So...

So. God, I'm sorry about the fuck-up
about the coffee.

How am I supposed to run a bloody department

ifI can't get the Prime Minister's enforcer
a cup of fucking coffee?

That's OK. Listen, the thing is,
you're doing a bloody good job here, Cliff.

Cos with all this shit in the paper
about whether I'm going or not...

Have you seen...? Terri, can you bring
the Mail in, please? Have you seen the Mail?

- (Malcolm) ''Lawton dangles by a thread''?
- Yeah. ''Dangles by a thread''.

- (Cliff) It's all right, we've got...
- ''Lawton dangles by a thread''.

- We've got it, it's OK.
- Do keep it.

Yep. No. Just leave it there.
Thank you very much, Terri.

- (Malcolm) There's a lot, isn't there?
- It started in the Telegraph Diary

but just more and more and more and more.

Seriously, the PM likes you personally.

I like you personally. And we have
absolutely no desire to get rid of you.

I just want you to know that.
None of this negative stuff is coming from us.

Oh, Mal, mate, that's...

- that makes me feel a lot more secure.
- Does it?

- Well, it's difficult.
- What? What's difficult?

- Just endless headlines day after day.
- On and on.

- Chipping away at confidence.
- Absolutely.

You see, the thing is
that we are starting to look weak.

Everybody's saying, ''When's he gonna go?
When's he gonna go?''

- Right.
- And you don't want us to look weak, do you?

No, no.

So there you are.

That's why you've got to go.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- (Knock on door)

- (Secretary) Coffee?
- Fuck off.

- Tea?
- You fuck off, darling.

Malcolm, look, erm...

if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle
out there, you know?

They're like wolves. Pissed wolves.

I've made the announcement.
I've told the lobby you're going, Cliff.

- You've told the lobby I'm going?
- Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.

- Minister.
- Yeah. Get used to Cliff.

I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit wank
farewell at Number Ten in 20 minutes.

I've also drafted you a letter of resignation.

You can say you're jumping
before you're pushed

although we're gonna be briefing
that you were pushed, sorry.

Erm...

Look, tell you what,
you don't need to do all this.

What about Tom?
Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport.

We can't sack Tom, we can't lose anyone
at Transport, they're important.

And Social Affairs isn't?

OK, the Department of Social Affairs
is very important

but it's not Transport.

Transport's cars, buses, trucks...

I know what transport fucking entails!

(Cliff) Look, look...

(Cliff sighs)

Look, I'll look at it.

- Personal reasons.
- I thought that would give you adequate scope.

Scope. What, like, erm...shooting up
in the Cabinet Office or something?

Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank?
What do you mean, scope?

This could be a great deal worse.

You have had a good innings,
you have been here for 18 months.

And you know, I have written
some very nice things about you

in the PM's reply to your resignation.

Some very nice fucking things indeed.

I had a lump in my throat. And you know why?

Because no one who matters
thinks any less of you over this,

so far. OK?

Right. One more thing.

The Daily Mail.

David Topham has got it into his head that we
are going to sack you because of press pressure.

- I wonder why.
- Look...

you're in no position to dish out
fucking sarcasm. That's over.

You no longer have purchase
in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone.

Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed,
although we were going to push you,

but not because of press pressure

but because of your deeply held fucking
personal issues, whatever they were.

- You want me to write my own obituary.
- Get on the fucking phone. Do it now.

Thank you.

Morning.

- Good morning.
- (Terri) Have you seen the Times?

- No.
- Jo Cherman's been a bit of a bitch.

- She always is.
- Yeah.

- Everything in this package is small...
- We go down and say it,

the local yokels will take the photos,
20 minutes is enough.

- (Hugh) Hugh's here now.
- Morning, Hugh.

- Good morning. Come on.
- (Chatter)

- Terri...
- Shush, I've got something important to say.

- (Chatting)
- Olly. I've got something for us.

I've got us a very, very
tasty little morsel because...

this morning I had a chat with my good friend
the Prime Minister of Great Britain...

- (All) Ooh.
- Yes. And, erm...

Remember the, erm...erm...

(Sighs) Olly, your benefit unit fraud...

Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE.

ABFE. Erm, Scrounger Squad.

- (Olly) Snooper Squad.
- The one with the spending implications?

The Prime Minister's view, is
''fuck the spending implications, I like it.''

- Good.
- So this is us. We're on the map.

It's a chance for me, Glenn,
to get on Richard &Judy and plant that flag

right on their fucking sofa.

So the Prime Minister's authorised you
to announce it, has he?

That's very much what he signalled.
Very clearly.

He said he's right behind us on this
and it's very much what we should be doing.

This is great.
So we can do it this afternoon at the school.

- We can clear the press conference...
- Excuse me.

(Glenn) We'll double bubble it,
leak it to the Standard for the early editions

and trail it on The World At One, yes?

We need someone
at the Standard we can give this to.

What about Angela Heaney? She's at
the Standard now, isn't she? Olly?

Erm...yes, she is.

Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior,
I think.

Bit too much like your ex who broke your
heart and dumped you with a text message.

It was a fucking email, not a text message.

We give it to her, she'll write what we want.

- She's easy.
- She is easy.

I can see that you've all got
big, stiff hard-ons for this...

- (Hugh) Sorry?
- I'm not saying that's not nice.

- But...
- (Hugh) Terri.

..there is no way we're gonna clear it
by this afternoon.

- (Olly) Why not?
- So cool it, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury.

- (All) No, no, no!
- No calls to the Treasury.

If you call the Treasury,
to get near the announcement

he's going to have to dress up as catering with a
big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons.

I'm not doing that.

- I'm just going by procedure.
- (Hugh) Terri.

I love doing things the right way,
that ethical stuff. I love it, we all do.

But it's difficult when you're the first
to put your gun down

because people jump on your head
as if it's a ripe watermelon. We don't want that.

The Prime Minister said he wants to do it.
He's above the Treasury in the hierarchy.

- I can write it down on a chart.
- (Terri) Whatever.

- (Glenn) Thank you.
- I'll get to it, Minister.

You're just doing your job.

(Whispers) Not very well.

Will you get Angela on the phone for Olly?

- You can deal with this Olly, yes?
- Erm...

- Will it be my usual driver?
- (Olly) ..technically.

- Yes, Hugh.
- I don't fucking like him.

He's... I don't know. I think he despises me.

We'll have to use him today,
you know how the pool system works.

So we go down to the school...erm...have to...

- He's sort of contemptuous.
- The driver?

- I feel like he looks down on me.
- No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure.

(Hourly pips on radio)

- The World At One. This is Nick Clarke...
- Well, you can fuck off for a start.

- The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...
- Evening.

- First story up.
- Top of the bill.

..a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force.

The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed
the Treasury into releasing more funds,

- so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its...
- Yes, and not before time!

..Social Affairs spokesman
Mark Davis Nathenson...

If you can get him out of the bath!

But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's
train disaster in Bangalore

- have risen overnight...
- Well, that's marvellous.

- (Mobile)
- Ooh.

Oh, Tucker. Malcolm.

What the fuck was that?
Was this Snooper Force thing from you?

Malcolm, I talked to the PM, this is completely
kosher as far as he's concerned.

He gave the go-ahead
and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.

We have got 17 different issues
we are fighting with the Treasury about.

I can hear that you are, as usual, upset...

I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because
these fucking morons at the Treasury,

these people, they are so paranoid.

If you don't tell them about this stuff,
cc them on email,

they think you've started a palace coup.

- Mal... Malcolm...
- You don't seem to understand

that I'm going to have to mop up a fucking
hurricane of piss from all these neurotics.

What did the Prime Minister
actually say to you?

He actually said, ''This is exactly
the kind of thing we should be doing.''

What did he actually say?

He said, ''This is exactly
the sort of thing we should be doing.''

Should be doing. Should does not mean yes.

Now, there's only thing to do here
and it's what I'm going to tell you to do.

- Kill it.
- I can't kill it.

I'm on my way to make the announcement.

There's gonna be television cameras there
and everything.

Fuck the cameras.
Think of something else to say.

Just don't mention the...New Avengers or the
Snooper Force, whatever the fuck you call it.

- Scam Busters.?
- Get rid of it.

I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.

(Glenn) Hugh, talk to me.

Hugh, what's going on? What's the matter?

We're going to have to do a number of things
almost immediately.

- What? What's the problem?
- Fuck.

- What? Hugh, what?
- Stop saying what.

- Right.
- I was sucked in!

- Is this Tucker jumping on this?
- I think he was right.

- He's always fucking right.
- No, he's not always right.

Should...

- does it mean yes?
- Yes, we should do this.

- Hugh.
- When Tucker was talking to me

should didn't mean yes. I mean, it really didn't.

It... I just...I felt like a fool.

- This is nice.
- Yeah, this is very nice.

This is just work, isn't it? I mean, we're not...

- Yeah, no, absolutely. Nothing like that.
- It's just, you know, deadline.

Yeah, sure, erm... Something like, erm...

Social Affairs Minister Hugh Abbot

will today announce

a tough new crackdown on benefit fraudsters.

Erm. Paragraph.

- Yeah, I can do the punctuation, Olly.
- Sorry, yeah, I see.

I did have it written down a bit better, on...

I've got it on a thing on a piece ofpaper.

- That's fantastic, Olly. Can I just have that?
- Sure, yeah. Easier all round.

- It's should all be there.
- Certainly is.

I've done it in capitals and everything...

Erm, I think I'll say senior government sources.

Thank you very much.

- It sounds better.
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Olly, come on!

(Glenn) Over here! Olly!
(Hugh) Over here!

Sorry.

(Glenn) Right.

- What's that you've got?
- Olives.

- Olives? He's brought his own olives.
- Want one? Glenn?

(Glenn) So the line is - call every news desk -

that the Snooper Force story

is that it was let out by, quote,
a disgruntled civil servant, unquote. OK?

- OK, great.
- And, Terri.?

- You can drop that tone, all right?
- What tone?

The ''I knew better all along'' tone.

It isn't fucking appreciated right now.

Bye.

The thing is, the story isn't a story.

(Chuckles) What do you mean?

The Snooper Force, it's not happening.
None of that's actually happening.

- I can't do this.
- You've got to do this.

I mean, yeah, I... You know, reading, talking,
I get car sick.

I've got to stop, we've got to stop.

Jesus Christ.

Do you think you could pull in
at the next lay-by?

As far as the department
and the Government are concerned,

there is no Snooper Force.

What's going on?
Has the Treasury gone ballistic?

- No, no...
- Why this flip-flop?

No, there's no flip-flop. Nothing like that!

No, erm, this isn't a...change in policy
in any...in any respect.

- No.
- What's going on, Olly.?

Bec... No, well, the truth is that I...

- acted beyond my brief.
- What are you talking about.?

I dunno, I just kind of...wanted to play
the big man in front of you.

- You just made something up?
- No!

Listen, Angela, I am really so sorry.

If it's any help, the line that we're giving
to everybody else

is that there's a disgruntled civil servant,

- they leaked the story.
- Have you got a name.?

Do I have a name
for the disgruntled civil servant?

- (Mouthing)
- Derek. Derek?

Terri. Terri.

No, we're just going to pick a name.
We're gonna pick a name. I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry.
- Olly, this is ridiculous.

- It is not fucking...
- Did you plan all this.?

The last thing I want to do today is be stuck
in a fucking lay-by by a Wacky Warehouse,

begging my ex-girlfriend.

All right. So...

what the hell am I going to say

is the reason for me summoning

all the nation's major news organisations
to a school in Wiltshire?

(Olly) You want something sexy, eye-catching

and that is free and universally popular

and instantly applicable,
no one could possibly object to it.

- Yes.
- Well, you should have said before, Glenn,

because I've got a file about
that fucking thick of that back in the office.

- Those policies are ten a penny!
- Olly!

- Our entire manifesto is made up of...
- It doesn't help when you get cynical.

Think of this as an opportunity.

I can't just come up with Das Kapital
in a cab, Glenn.

- Olly.
- Here, shave.

(Buzzing)

(Glenn) What we need is
something that the public want

that's incredibly popular and is free.

- Return of capital punishment.
- (Buzzing stops)

That's a joke, right?
You are joking, yes? Obviously.

Come on, Olly, come up with something.

(Olly) National spare room database.

What about zoos?

My kids went to a zoo the other day
and they said it was fucking disgusting.

You know, the state of it.

That's shit, isn't it?

No...but there is an idea there, because in
the middle of the city you've got wild animals.

Pet ASBOs? Remember that? ASBOs for pets.

That sounds potentially ludicrous,
but then pet passports, that was a goer.

(Glenn) What if everybody
had to carry a plastic bag by law?

You know identification cards are coming in...

You've fucking cracked. Are you mad?

What if the announcement is...
there's no big announcement.

- (Hugh) For goodness...
- No, wait.

We say the Department of Social Affairs
has been doing amazing work,

bread-and-butter work,
belt-and-braces work,

the kind of work you aren't interested in
cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly.

- You sickos are so obsessed with the media...
- Sickos.

..that every time
we try and...just carry on with our day

you don't show up,
so we have to call a big thing like this.

- On target, under budget...
- Coalface politics.

- Yes, I like that.
- Not wasting resources.

- Good, let's do that.
- Let's go for that.

We trick them. Tinselly thing
and they come along and we say...

''Ah, that's what we've been doing,
we've been doing our fucking jobs!''

They never print that stuff, do they?

You've come two hours out ofLondon
to cover this...

You mugs! You mugs!

But you've got a bigger story here
than you have chasing tinsel.

Which is you live in a country which is
properly... Not many countries can say that.

And we've probably got ten million
we can throw at it.

That's good, because it sounds like a lot,
doesn't it?

I've got a thing here that says springy concrete.
I think that's about the playground...

- Springy concrete?
- (Hugh) Good afternoon...

- Should I say, ''Hello, boys and girls''?
- Yes, very nice.

Like a fucking panto dame.

He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock
news saying, ''Hello, boys and girls.''

- He's talking to the audience in front of him.
- Real money for real families.

- Real families or people?
- (Glenn) Families.

- (Olly) People. Real people.
- You see? Don't... Families.

Families sounds exclusive,
it sounds back to basics, John Major.

- People sounds communist.
- It doesn't sound communist.

- I'll say families.
- Say families of people.

- Mr Abbot.
- (Glenn) Great. You're on. Here we go.

(Hugh) Thank you.

- (Glenn) It's what you do best, mate.
- Yep.

(Hugh) This is lovely. Very nice indeed.

Well, that was a fucking disaster.

- Well, that...
- Shut up.

Thank you.

(Terri) Ah. Well done.

There's nothing in the Standard,
big fat nothing.

- Nothing?
- You got away with it.

He's created a press conference so boring
that none of the press will touch it.

- (Hugh laughs)
- Genius.

Fucking well done, mate. You turned it around.

(Indistinct chatter)

Well, you really pulled it round, mate.

I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket.

Yeah, and the bullets bounced off.

- This is what it's all about, Glenn.
- Yeah.

All those years at the coalface, hanging in there,
taking all the shit, all the bullshit.

When you are Senior Cabinet Minister,
then we'll show them.

Yeah, and Snooper Force?
Bollocks, we'll get rid of that.

For fuck's sake, yeah.
Fiddling while Rome burns.

Fucking right. We'll kick some arse.

We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt!

That's what we're in it for, mate,
tell them all the shit that we do.

It's a means to an end, mate.

Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that?

Can I have a word with you?

(Sighing heavily) I'm hacked off, mate.

But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed.

Yeah. But once you start the fire...

And we didn't start the fire.

It was always burning since the world's
been turning, et cetera, et cetera.

Malcolm, you're not making any sense.

Prime Minister, obviously,
he's on the plane in Stockholm

and somebody hits him
with The World At One.

He thinks it's the Treasury
trying to stiff him one

so he, er...

he stuck with the story.

- He liked it?
- Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force.

Oh, right.

You... We shouldn't really then have...

I mean, you shouldn't really
have told us to, er...

Should you? (Chuckles)

Don't should me, Hugh,

cos I'll should you right back,
right through that window.

None of this should be happening, should it?
Should it? Should it?

Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...?

It's should in the sense of
you should do as you're fucking told.

Yep. What, erm...

What are we gonna do now?

You're gonna completely reverse your position.

Look, no, hang on a second.

Hang... Malcolm. It's not actually that, erm...

- That's gonna be quite hard, really.
- Yes, well,

the announcement that you didn't make today,
you did.

No, no, I didn't. And there were television
cameras there while I was not doing it.

Fuck them.

I'm not quite sure how... What level of reality
I'm supposed to be operating on.

Look, this is what they run with.

I tell them that you said it,
they believe that you said it.

They don't really believe you said it,

- they know you never said it.
- Right.

But it's in their interests to say you said it

because if they don't, they're not gonna get
what you say tomorrow or the next day

when I decide to tell them
what it is you're saying.

Yeah. I-I am following this, I just...

I had a friend who used to indulge
in extramarital affairs, OK?

He would go off and have some dalliance

and every Monday he'd come back
and he'd meet his wife.

And he told me that all he did was
inside his head turn a little switch.

- The affair never happened. OK?
- Right.

There's not a... What is the problem with this?

The problem with it...
First of all, I didn't get much dalliance.

Get it into your head,
rewind today in your head.

OK, stop explaining it to me.

I have to fucking explain it to you, man,
you haven't been here long enough.

(Glenn) I don't think he'd be really up for that.

- Tucker's in the building...
- (Olly) When did he come in?

Where are all the people?
Where are my people?

They've gone home, Secretary of State, it's 5:40.

OK. Well, erm...listen.

The situation is, erm, it's pretty terrible,
but things have changed. OK?

The line is now, I did announce
the Snooper Force this afternoon at the school.

OK? That's what happened. All right?

So now you have to tell the media

in case they...missed it.

OK? Great.

- (Glenn) What we've got to...
- I said this was gonna happen.

- It's happened. It's nobody's fault.
- I said it. Glenn, I...

- What we have to do...
- Excuse me. It's not my fault, it's yours.

- I didn't say that...
- You said it was nobody's fault

- but it's your fault and your fault.
- It's not my fault.

- If you walk away from this I'll pin it on you...
- (Hugh) Everything OK?

(Glenn) ..you cunt.
(Terri) We're fucked.

Great.

(Glenn) This is the real world, Terri.
(Terri) We are fucked.

- How's it going?
- Good.

I think they might need
a little bit ofcoordination.

- (All talking)
- Has anyone spoken to Nicky Campbell?

I've got one missed call here - Nicky Campbell.

It's become so complicated
and it's actually terrifically simple.

There was always gonna be
a Snooper Force policy. Definitely.

It's too good to have been invented
by a disgruntled civil servant.

I'm really glad you came in, Angela.

- Well, I could lose my job, Olly.
- Yeah...

I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with
three directly contradictory stories in one day.

- I know.
- They gave me flip-flops.

You know? Someone actually went out
and bought flip-flops to give me.

Yeah.

You've gotta give them credit for that,
that is quite funny.

Yeah, and they pasted onto them...

a fucking porn picture
of a girl sucking a big cock

and they wrote
''Angela Heaney swallows anything''.

That is less funny.
Obviously that's quite offensive.

Can you give me one good reason
why I shouldn't do a big story

- on the, you know, the day of spin?
- What sort of story?

Inside story ofa government
department out of control

with diagrams and a flow chart
with your face and name on it

and Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows
showing who spoke to who

and how you all fucked it up.

I think I could write that one up myself.
I think I could do the punctuation on that one.

- OK, I was patronis...
- Hey. Hi, Angela.

I like the hair, nice little corkscrews.
How's it going?

Yeah, er, fine.

We were just, er, talking about
why Angela shouldn't do a big...

story on the big insidery piece

kind of day of spin sort of spread in the...

- paper.
- I don't know.

Maybe you should. Good idea.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know why she shouldn't,
because if she did that

she'd be dead to me, to this department,
to the Government.

And she'd never get another story,
or a fucking whiff of a story,

so long as she kept her sorry hack bitch face
lingering around Westminster

because I would call every editor I know,
which, obviously, that's all of them,

and tell them to gouge her name
out of their address books

so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio,
where the sad sack belongs.

That's what I'd tell her.

- But maybe you should do it. See you later.
- Yeah.

He...he's actually...

He can be really nice.

It's been a very long day.

I didn't say we weren't doing it,
which is as good as saying we were.

- Thanks, bye-bye.
- The World Tonight.

Hello, Hugh Abbot here.

Yes, no. Always a pleasure
to speak to The World Tonight.

Go live on air now?

Yes, of course, I'd be delighted to.

Robin, my pleasure, nice to be with you.

Yes. Before I answer that, may I just say
how delighted I am, as indeed we all are,

at the excitement and enthusiasm that the
benefit fraud inspection unit has created.

I announced at a press conference

this new benefit fraud inspection unit

which we are hoping to call...

Sponge Avengers.

- And at that press conference...
- (Vacuum whirring)

..there seems to have been a bit of a blip

because many of the journalists
didn't pick up on the announcement.

I think they're so much looking for...

(On radio) ..scandal or incompetence.

So that statement that the policy was
the invention of a disgruntled civil servant

was actually the invention
of a disgruntled civil servant.

No, there's only one disgruntled civil servant.

One of them's... One of them's an invention...
by the other one, you see.

(Hugh) Anyone listening carefully
will think I'm mad.

(Glenn) They won't,
it came over loud and clear.

(Glenn) It's gonna put the whole thing
to bed anyway. Kill it.

And Olly's offered Angela
a private life piece about you.

- (Hugh) Oh, great.
- A Sunday walk with the family,

- that sort of thing.
- She's gonna be checking through my books

and snooping in my bathroom cabinet

and making snide remarks
about how I don't know who Gail Porter is.

- We did dick her about a bit, Hugh.
- Yeah.

We're getting a roasting from what has been
dubbed, but I wouldn't call, Flip-Flop Friday.

We need all the help from friends
we can get right now.

- (Hugh) I know.
- What do you think?

I just... I just think that...

(Window whirring)

I want a new driver. Get me a new driver.

- I don't want to see this guy ever again.
- On what grounds?

Smiling. Inappropriate smiling.

And smirking. Smiling and smirking.

I don't want to see
that smile or smirk ever again. OK?

Thank you.

- OK, thank you.
- (Driver) Which way do you want to go?

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