All language subtitles for The Chris Rock Show s02e10 George Carlin.eng

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: From New York City,

it's The Chris Rock Show.

Tonight, comedian George Carlin,

musical guest Usher,

plus musical director
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you all.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Thanks for coming to the show.
Bravin' the cold.

It's the day after Thanksgiving,
the day after Thanksgiving...

You know, it's one of
the biggest shopping days

of the whole year.

One of the biggest
shopping days of the year.

You know what it's known as
in my family--

it's known as a lay-away day.

(LAUGHTER)

Lay it away now,
get it out the 24th.

(LAUGHTER)

You know what else that means,
that means, that, uh,

it's the Coolio.

It means 30 shoplifting days
till Christmas.

(LAUGHTER)

Anybody know that Coolio
was arrested in Germany

for walking out of a store

wearing some clothes
he didn't pay for?

It was Coolio.

Coolio hasn't been accused
of stealing

since he took "Fantastic Voyage"
from Lakeside!

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTS) Thank you,
thank you all, thank you all.

You know what else happened,

an 80-year-old woman
was thrown off a Greyhound bus

at three o'clock
in the morning...

'cause she had a puppy with her.

Come on, it's Greyhound, man!

You know how many drug dealers
and prostitutes

are on Greyhound?

Now, if she was eating the puppy
that would've been all right!

(LAUGHTER)

What else happened?
Ellen DeGeneres this week,

E.L.-- you know, E.D,
whatever her initials are,

said that
she wants a baby, right,

but her girlfriend, Anne Heche,
is gonna carry the baby

'cause Ellen doesn't like pain.

And I guess that makes
a little bit of sense,

'cause if a dick
is too much to handle...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You know, then a baby
would kill you.

Now, as I do every year,

I watch the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And I took a few pictures
of the balloons.

Now, this first one
is one of my favorites,

it's a Spiderman,
it's 78 feet long.

You know, it's big old Spidey.
Hmm.

Now this other one
I really like,

-is the British nanny balloon...
-(LAUGHTER)

That's right,
the British nanny balloon.

Earlier in the day,

it killed
the Baby Huey balloon,

it was very sad.

You know what else they had,
pilgrims.

Now back in the day, pilgrims,
they didn't have latex,

so they used duck bladders.

And this is one of my favorites,
Sinbad's pants!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

People don't realize,
but these are the actual size

of Sinbad's pants.

There's enough fabric there
to supply 32 Chess King stores.

And what else do we got?
The plunger this year.

Now, last year, this was, uh...
Hey, it's New York.

Now last year, this was
sponsored by Home Depot,

this year it's sponsored
by the NYPD.

-(APPLAUSE)
-Yo!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

We got a great show
for you tonight.

We got George Carlin
in the house.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

-We got Usher.
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And give it up
for the man himself,

-Grandmaster Flash.
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(SCRATCHING)

Now, holidays
are a time for reflection.

So this week,
I went out in a Plymouth van

to find out what was the real
meaning of Thanksgiving.

Here, take a look.

The first Thanksgiving
lasted three days.

There were over 90 Indians
led by King Massasoit.

What's the first thing
that comes to mind

when you think of Thanksgiving?

Turkey.

Do you chop
the turkey's heads off?

-Slice his throat.
-You slice his throat?

Let the blood drain out,
yadda yadda yadda,

clean it, boom-boom, we're done.

Yadda yadda yadda.

Slice his throat,
let the blood drain out,

-yadda yadda yadda.
-(LAUGHTER)

Izzy, my man,
give me your best turkey.

Watch out,
he'll shit on you, bro.

(LAUGHTER)

So do you consider
yourself a pilgrim?

-I didn't get that one.
-A pilgrim or an Indian?

You a settler?
Because the pilgrims are new.

-Coming over.
-I really don't get that one.

(LAUGHTER)

They drank a lot of beer.

The Indians were sent out
to catch a few more deer

because they ran out of food.

Do you like dark meat
or white meat?

White meat.

-White meat?
-Yep.

What's wrong with the dark meat?

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They ate wild turkey,

they ate lobster,
they ate clams,

they ate squash pudding.

(IMITATING CHICKEN)

So it was it was quite
a major feast.

Would you like to have
Thanksgiving dinner with me

-and play some football?
-Sure.

-Come on, let's go.
-Okay.

Come on, let's go.

-Come on.
-Come on, let's go.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Well, I want to thank you all
for coming.

Just remember, no Thanksgiving

would be complete
without football.

So, I want you all
to welcome my guest,

Mr. Jeff Blake
of the Cincinnati Bengals.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now I want you
to all join me in prayer.

Make my funk the P. Funk,
I wants to get funked up.

I want the bomb,
I want the P. Funk.

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTS) Make my funk
the P. Funk. Now, let's eat.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

We got a special guest tonight.

I want you to all welcome
the Thanksgiving Day players,

-give it up!
-(APPLAUSE)

Here, pilgrims,
some turkey and corn.

We give you this
because you're hungry.

-And new to this land.
-Thank you, Indians.

We are hungry
and we are new here.

But now we must kill you
and take your land.

(APPLAUSE)

Hey, now that we've all eaten,
let's go play football.

-All right!
-Yeah!

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

My next guest has been doing
comedy for over 40 years.

He's done ten HBO specials.

He has a best-selling book
called Brain Droppings.

-Please welcome George Carlin!
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I did two more
while I was back there.

CHRIS ROCK: Oh, okay.

-Oh! George Carlin, okay, okay.
-Good to see you, my friend.

George Carlin, you are by far,

you are easily one
of the greatest comedians

-ever to live, easily.
-Uh-oh. All right.

Okay, I'm gonna go with that.

-I'm gonna go with that.
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

-Okay, okay, yeah.
-You are, you are.

You know, people take you
for granted, in a sense.

'Cause you and a guy
like, say Cosby,

'cause you've always
been doing it, forever. Like--

Do you feel like that, um,

if you had
some crazy tragedy in your life,

people wouldn't
take you for granted,

-'cause like, Pryor burnt up.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Lenny Bruce died. Kinison died.

You're like,
right here, chillin'.

-The penalty of living.
-The penalty of living.

Uh, yeah. You know what happens,
a lot of people say,

"Hey, how you doing?
How you been?

Love that stuff,
1972 I saw you!"

And I'm like, "Oh yeah, well,

the last 25 years,
there's been some more."

They're just--
I bring it right up, I say,

"You watch HBO?
Did you get the book?

Do that, and then we'll talk
some more in the airport."

-You know?
-(LAUGHTER)

But, yeah.
You do want people to know

the accumulated record,
you know,

not just
a spotty little this and that.

Yeah, 'cause people are like,
"Carlin, yeah."

Yeah. It depends.
So there's other people

that are hooked in good,
hooked in real strong.

And they'll tell you back
what you did.

And you say,
"Oh, I don't remember that."

"Well, you did it,
and I saw it."

(LAUGHTER)

Okay now,
one of your biggest things ever

was the seven words you can
never say on television.

-It was, uh, piss, shit...
-You want the right order?

What was the order?

Shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker, and tits.

-(APPLAUSE)
-Seven.

I said fuck twice, I know.
Motherfucker shouldn't count

because it's
a derivative of fuck,

but I put it in anyway.

Yeah. Because when you put
mother and fucker together,

-it's just-- yeah.
-It's a better word.

(LAUGHTER)

'Cause nothing's faster
than a motherfucker.

(LAUGHS) That's right.

Nothing jumps higher,
nothing's stronger.

You know what's weird, you can
say tits now, a little bit.

Yeah, a little bit,
see, that's just it.

And then the interesting thing
was you couldn't say tits,

but you could say bazooms,
you could go like this,

you could say knockers,
you could say knobs,

but tits-- and it's a cute word.

-You can say--
Yeah, 'cause tits are cute. -It sounds like a snack.

But they won't let you
say titty.

-No, no, no.
-(LAUGHTER)

You know why they have
all that inconsistent stuff?

'Cause it's all bullshit.
It's all bullshit to start with.

You know, they can say...
they can talk about fucking.

You can talk about fucking,
you can say, you know...

(MUMBLING)

And everybody will say, "I know
what he's talking about."

In the newspaper,
they can say "f... "

Well, everybody
knows what it means.

So the thought
has been conveyed,

and that's all language is.

And then you get,
"Don't say fuck, it's a family newspaper."

How do you think
the family got started?

Fucking, that's how it is!
That's what it is!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(STAMMERS)

You did the seven words
you can't say.

Is there anything
you can't say now...

-I don't know.
-...that gets people?

What I like to do,
I like to bother people.

I like to find out
where the line is sort of,

sort of sense
where the line is drawn.

And then deliberately cross it,
and drag the audience with you

and have them happy
that you did it.

That's the key.

Once you get them over there,
they'll say, "That was good."

So, I'm doing my next HBO
a year from December,

about 13 months from now.

And I'm just working on things,
'cause you know, like,

there's one taboo
in this country, I think,

religion, and I really am
all out attacking religion

every chance I get,
'cause I just don't believe in that stuff,

I think it's the worst thing
that ever happened to mankind.

And I get after them
all the time,

but that's not the only thing.
Kids in this country,

there's too much attention
to children in this country.

Every time you turn around
there's a kid.

And they're hiding behind kids

'cause all they're trying to do
is censor you again

and take your drugs away
in the name of their kids.

In the name of the kids.

They're trying to roll back
the '60s, man.

So I get after them,

and I like to get in there
and just bother them a little.

Gotta be some thought with it,

it's not just shock 'em
and do that.

You have to have some thought
and some ideas underneath it.

But then, just to make them
go like this a little bit

in their chairs,
that's what I like.

(GROANS, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Oh, yeah.

That's important to me.

It might not be you,
it might be a loose disc.

Yeah, exactly. Well,
I'll loosen it up a little more.

You know what's bugged out,

you came up, '50s, '60s,
doing this edgy stuff.

And I was like, did you feel
alone at the time?

'Cause I remember
the old Dean Martin roasts...

Like your crew...

Your contemporaries
are guys like Alan King,

and other guys doing like

"take my wife please" jokes
and stuff.

Yeah, the old line
stand-ups, yeah.

Well, I came out of
coffee houses.

I got lucky, I came out of
coffee houses and folk rooms--

Alan King's cool, before
he shoots me or something.

But I came out of places
where irreverence

was a part of the deal.

Coffee houses and folk rooms,
the whole idea there

was to be a little bit
anti-establishment,

to be a little bit
against the stream.

So I came out of that.

And I always felt
comfortable being alone.

Always felt good as a kid.

Loved it when my mother
didn't come home on time.

I'd say, "Oh, this is nice, man,
I'll make some spaghetti

and listen to The Lone Ranger."
To be alone is good.

And, yeah, I never really
took part in show business.

I'd show up,
I didn't really contribute.

They'd put me
in the "bunny number,"

you had to do variety shows

and they get you in
the bunny number at the end.

I had to do a little of that,
but once I turned the corner,

-I left them.
-I mean you didn't--

I mean,
when you're around bad comedy...

Not even bad comedy,
just that other shit.

Yeah, right. The big lame thing.

There's this thing you do, and
then there's that other shit.

That's right. I lived through--

Listen,
the hardest years of my life

were the three or four years
when I was doing

straight, mainstream,
bullshit television shows

'cause I thought I wanted to be
like a Danny Kaye or something.

My dream from a kid
was still like that.

I wanted to be in the movies
and go like this for people.

-And I didn't know--
-(LAUGHS) Like this?

I didn't know
my head was different.

I didn't understand that.

I thought if I thought about it
at nine years of age,

it must still be valid
when I'm 21.

But it wasn't,
and I finally, boom,

that clicked in from the acid.
Thank God for acid.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS) So all that
hard work stuff is bullshit.

Well, it don't hurt.

Acid. Somebody get me
some acid right now.

(LAUGHTER)

I got people 'round here
to get me shit,

but no one ever gets me acid!

I'll tell you this,

that's why they put it
on that list of bad drugs.

'Cause they know
it opens up the mind.

It can be dangerous, I ain't
saying it's not dangerous.

You take too much,
you take the wrong kind...

Where do you get
your acid from?

-I don't--
-'Cause I want the good stuff.

I don't need it anymore.

Because it's
a self-limiting drug.

It's the kind of drug that
you take it a few times

and it tells you,
"That's enough, we're cool,

now we're happening."
And that's what happened to me.

As opposed to--

As opposed to shit like this...
And shit like that.

(LAUGHS) Like this?

Yeah. Sometimes you shoot up
directly in the neck

-to get it to your head quicker.
-Or so you hear?

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

-In the neck?
-Well, just--

Or the temple would be quick,
wouldn't it?

Right in the temple,
no waitin', no delay.

I never did shoot up,
so I'm just talking shit.

-Oh, yeah!
-I never did. No.

I grew up in a neighborhood
with plenty of smack

in the '50s,
and I never got to the smack.

The grass was enough.

Boy, I'd get some of that grass
and a couple of beers

and just lay back and wonder
why those guys were puking.

That's all I needed.
No, never did shoot up.

Never did use it.

What's the worst thing
that happened to you?

Just opening up. I never heard

the George Carlin
horror stories.

Well, I did an awful lot
of cocaine during the '70s.

-When I did that stuff, I did--
-That's odd, really?

I did tons of it, yeah.
Tons, tons. Yeah, well, you knew that shit.

Um, and, uh,
I just would get out there,

and my jaw wouldn't work.

You know how locked up--

I know crackheads
whose jaws don't work.

You get like that, you know.

And you know what
you're thinking is good.

Fortunately, they liked me
and they would wait...

-(LAUGHTER)
-...for my mouth to start working.

But I don't have any of those--
I'm not one of those guys that has a story.

Like every comedian,
these old guys especially,

and they say-- you mention
a name and it's, "Oh,

let me tell you
about Al Jolson,"

and they got a story
for everything.

I got no stories because I don't
remember a goddamn thing!

I don't remember nothing.

-Thank you very much, man.
-My pleasure. Thank you.

George Carlin!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Severe depression

is one of the most
serious health problems

facing the country today.

Medications such as
Prozac and Zoloft

are routinely prescribed

to combat these mood disorders,

but some critics say
there are better methods.

Here joining me right now
via satellite

to explain his new
treatment for depression

is Dr. Leonard Laxalt.
Welcome, Doctor.

Thank you, Chris.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

So doctor, what is this new drug
that you claim is so effective?

Well Chris, after years
of treating depression

with so-called
wonder drugs like Prozac,

which doesn't always work
and has many side effects

such as insomnia
and loss of appetite,

I found a medication that people
in cultures around the world

have relied upon for centuries.

So, it's like an old folk remedy
or something.

In a way.

It's made of
all-natural ingredients,

and it's available
without a prescription.

Hmm. And what is this new
wonder drug called?

It's called hard liquor, Chris.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

-Hard liquor?
-That's right, Chris.

You mean like a Jack Daniels
or something?

Well, it goes by
many names, Chris,

but hard liquor is
its scientific classification.

-Right.
-I found in my research

that a small amount
taken once in the morning

and once at night will keep
the mood elevated all day.

Your research, you mean a real
clinic let you research this?

Well,
they were skeptical at first.

But I was so confident,
that I used myself

as the first guinea pig.

And what were your results?

-I don't remember.
-So, you blacked out?

Well, there can be side effects.

But they're not nearly as bad
as most drugs.

Uh-huh, uh-huh,

so what are some of
the other side effects?

Some people do experience
nausea and loss of job.

But that's a small price to pay
for a cure for depression.

Doctor, even if this works,
most people can't get up

and the first thing they have
is a glass of gin and juice!

Well, with
conventional medication,

some people
have trouble swallowing pills,

so they invented gel caps.

I recommend a Jell-O shot
to my patients.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't alcohol itself
a depressant?

What's in the measles vaccine,
Chris? Measles.

What's in a flu shot? Flu virus!

They make you
immune to the disease

by introducing a mild form of it
into your system.

And that's how hard liquor
works on depression?

That's my best guess, Chris.

Doctor, do you have
any scientific evidence

that this works?

I do have what I think

is some rather conclusive
video documentation

of several of the people
that I have treated.

Okay, let's take a look.

DOCTOR LEONARD LAXALT:
This is a group of patients

before they were on hard liquor.

So, who wants to begin today?

How about you, Mrs. Sturry?

(LAUGHTER)

Anybody?

You can see
they're very depressed.

Here are the same patients

after their first dose
of hard liquor.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Those people are drunk!
-Those people are happy, Chris.

They're no longer experiencing
the bottomless despair

of depression.

Doctor, what the fuck
is wrong with you?

I'm an alcoholic, Chris.

But you told me you're
a mental health expert!

No, I ought to be.

I've been in a mental hospital
for the last 11 years!

I have to go, Chris.

Thank you very much!
Dr. Leonard Laxalt, everybody!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Here to perform the track
"You Make Me Wanna"

off his latest album, My Way,
give it up for Usher!

♪ ("YOU MAKE ME WANNA"
BY USHER PLAYING) ♪

-Let me hear y'all say "Yeah!"
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Say "Yeah!"
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Ladies, scream for me!

(CHEERING)

♪ Start a new relationship
With you ♪

♪ This is what you do
Think about a ring ♪

♪ And all the things
That come along with ♪

♪ You make me, you make me ♪

Come on!

♪ You make me wanna
Leave the one I'm with ♪

♪ Start a new relationship
With you ♪

♪ This is what you do
Think about a ring ♪

♪ And all the things
That come along with ♪

♪ You make me, you make me ♪

♪ Before anything
Began between us ♪

♪ You were like my best friend ♪

♪ The one I used to run
And talk to ♪

♪ When me and my girl
Was having problems ♪

♪ You used to say
It'll be okay ♪

♪ Suggest little nice things
I should do ♪

♪ And when I go home at night
And lay my head down ♪

♪ All I seemed to think about
Was you ♪

♪ You make me wanna
Leave the one I'm with ♪

♪ Start a new relationship
With you ♪

♪ This is what you do
Think about a ring ♪

♪ And all the things
That come along with ♪

♪ You make me, you make me ♪

♪ You make me wanna
Leave the one I'm with ♪

♪ Start a new relationship
With you ♪

♪ This is what you do ♪

♪ Think about a ring ♪

♪ And all the things
That come along with ♪

♪ You make me, you make me ♪

♪ Now what's bad is you're
The one that hooked us up ♪

♪ Knowing it
Should've been you ♪

♪ What's sad is that I love her
But I'm falling for you ♪

♪ What should I do?
Should I tell my baby bye-bye? ♪

♪ Should I do exactly
What I feel inside? ♪

♪ 'Cause I, I don't wanna go
Don't need to stay ♪

♪ But I really need
To get it together ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Start a new relationship
With you ♪

♪ This is what you do
Think about a ring ♪

♪ And all the things
That come along with ♪

♪ You make me, you make me ♪

♪ Wanna leave the one I'm with ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ This is what you do
Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Aye ♪

♪ At this point the situation's
Out of control ♪

♪ I never meant to hurt her
But I gotta let her go ♪

♪ And she may not understand it
While all of this is going on ♪

♪ I tried, I tried to fight it ♪

♪ The feeling's
Just too strong ♪

♪ You make me wanna
Wanna, wanna, wanna ♪

♪ You make me wanna
Wanna, wanna, wanna ♪

♪ You make me wanna
Leave the one I'm with ♪

♪ Start a new relationship
With you ♪

♪ This is what you do
Think about a ring ♪

♪ And all the things
That come along with you... ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yo! Yo,
that's our show for tonight!

I'd like to thank our guests,
George Carlin and Usher!

Yo, Flash, take us out!

♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

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