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Christmas long ago
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with the memory of a dream
that seemed never to end.
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But somewhere
in the middle of that dream
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I always did wake up
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just in time to attend
the Christmas Eve party
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my mama and papa gave
for me and my brother Fritz.
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Mama attracted interesting guests,
Papa said,
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because she was beautiful
and fascinating.
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She was, he said, his "wondrous peacockโ.
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How full of anticipation I was.
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Dreamers need not be pretty.
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My godfather Drosselmeier
told me so very long ago.
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My good, and sometimes
very bad, godfather Drosselmeier
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was certainly the very strangest
guest at those long ago parties.
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He was a genius, they said.
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So it was especially strange
to me
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that he behaved
like a silly little boy.
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And often, he frightened me.
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But more often,
and this is strangest of all,
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I loved him better than anyone.
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And I loved his presents
best of all.
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For besides being a genius
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he was a very famous clockmaker
and toymaker and mouse catcher.
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Dreams,
like all my most precious gifts,
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were from my dear
godfather Drosselmeier.
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When I loved him
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he was the kindest creature
you can imagine.
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He told me stories, every word
of which I still remember.
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But when he frightened me
with his weird and childish ways
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and I could not bear for him
to be near me, he would punish me.
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It was on such an occasion,
when I was nearly 13 years old,
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on Christmas Eve,
that out of spite
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godfather Drosselmeier
gave me the most wicked dream.
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I smile to think of it now.
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That a nightmare could bring,
like a sweet memory
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such a strange joy.
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It is a mystery I could never solve.
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But I could never forgive
my spiteful godfather
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for slipping into that dream
my bad little brother Fritz.
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Christmas parties of long ago,
all blur and mix in memory.
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The real and the unreal becomes one.
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How silly we children appeared
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gawking and gaping
at the Grande Promenade
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of our mamas and papas.
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I will never forget
the envy and delight I felt
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at watching my parents,
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and how badly I longed to dance
with my beautiful papa.
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How my head whirled
with the music
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and buzzed with my bad dream
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not cold enough yet
for me to forget.
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And godfather Drosselmeier
wasn't even there.
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The party was incomplete without him
and all his wonderful presents.
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In that long ago dream,
in an ocean wide with mystery
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my heart beat with joy and fear
all mixed.
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But odd to say,
I knew this dreamscape.
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Dreams are strangely
familiar places.
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They are not at all
the land of make believe,
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but only the homely
inside of yourself
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like the inner lining
of your favorite coat,
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or the sweet kernel
inside the hardest nut
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that only the jaws
of my Nutcracker Prince
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could reveal to me.
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In the language of this dream,
in that palace of delight,
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we spoke with our whole selves.
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We dream-talked
with hands and feet
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and quick danced out
our mousey Christmas Day.
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And they joined us, in a celebration
in that palace by the sea.
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And my tall Nutcracker cavalier
had eyes only for me
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for at least as long
as that dream could be.
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