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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,053 --> 00:00:26,053 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 2 00:00:30,023 --> 00:00:32,925 I've actually lost a lot of friends in music and comedy 3 00:00:32,959 --> 00:00:35,795 to substance abuse and it, and it kills me, man, 4 00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,898 because you don't need drugs. You really don't. 5 00:00:38,931 --> 00:00:40,432 I am living proof that you can destroy 6 00:00:40,465 --> 00:00:42,434 your life completely sober, guys, I am. 7 00:00:44,103 --> 00:00:46,072 And I'm not trying to brag, I just never let drugs 8 00:00:46,105 --> 00:00:48,741 and alcohol come between me and failure, okay? 9 00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:50,475 It's mine, all right? 10 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:54,279 I have achieved this on my own. No help from drugs! 11 00:01:10,163 --> 00:01:13,298 ♪ The thought of you waiting ♪ 12 00:01:13,331 --> 00:01:17,170 ♪ For someone ♪ 13 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:21,339 ♪ Turn your back On this hating ♪ 14 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:25,778 ♪ Turn your back On this hating ♪ 15 00:01:25,812 --> 00:01:32,652 ♪ Before I forget It took so long ♪ 16 00:01:32,685 --> 00:01:36,621 ♪ Turn your back On this waiting ♪ 17 00:01:36,656 --> 00:01:41,861 ♪ Turn your back On this waiting, yeah ♪ 18 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,531 I also took this time during COVID 19 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:49,669 and the social distancing to come out the closet. 20 00:01:49,702 --> 00:01:52,905 I'm Black. Don't let anyone ever 21 00:01:52,939 --> 00:01:54,974 make you feel like it's a choice. 22 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,143 - Yo. - What's up, boss? 23 00:01:57,176 --> 00:01:59,078 Hey, uh, dude, I've been trying to get up on stage 24 00:01:59,112 --> 00:02:00,512 for like a couple of months now. 25 00:02:00,545 --> 00:02:02,715 Do you think you can like help me out? 26 00:02:02,749 --> 00:02:04,984 - Um... - What you got, bro? 27 00:02:05,017 --> 00:02:06,219 Kind of embarrassing. 28 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,054 - Two dollars? - Yeah. 29 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,554 What the fuck, man? 30 00:02:11,023 --> 00:02:12,158 Fuck it, you're on deck, man. 31 00:02:12,191 --> 00:02:13,860 - All right. - Name? 32 00:02:13,893 --> 00:02:16,162 Arnold? Arnold Wilson. 33 00:02:16,195 --> 00:02:18,698 - Gotcha, bro. - Thanks. I got... I'll... get you. 34 00:02:18,731 --> 00:02:20,465 Tip the fucking bartender, bro. 35 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,242 All right, everybody, that was Philly Ricin. 36 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,077 Give it up for Philly. All right. 37 00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:35,047 Next up coming to the stage, we have... big spender... 38 00:02:35,081 --> 00:02:36,883 Arnold Wilson! Give it up for Arnold. 39 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:42,354 Arnold Wilson, let's go! 40 00:02:42,387 --> 00:02:44,123 Where the fuck is this guy? 41 00:02:44,991 --> 00:02:46,092 Do you wanna go up? 42 00:02:52,597 --> 00:02:53,699 Hey, for 43 00:02:53,733 --> 00:02:55,668 - Benjamin? - Cool. Jinx. 44 00:03:04,277 --> 00:03:05,678 You from LA? 45 00:03:06,444 --> 00:03:09,381 From Dayton, Ohio. Middle of nowhere. 46 00:03:09,414 --> 00:03:13,085 Kinda like if all the meth in America got together and... 47 00:03:13,119 --> 00:03:14,253 created a town. 48 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:18,224 - You an actor? - No. Uh... 49 00:03:18,257 --> 00:03:20,827 I actually moved here to try to do comedy. 50 00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:22,295 You kind of look like a comedian. 51 00:03:29,635 --> 00:03:31,304 Oh yeah, that's good. 52 00:03:32,138 --> 00:03:34,406 Oh, yeah, you want a bump? 53 00:03:35,942 --> 00:03:40,746 Uh... Nah, I... I shouldn't, man. Um... 54 00:03:42,315 --> 00:03:44,183 Eh, fuck it. Why not? 55 00:03:44,217 --> 00:03:46,652 Line it up. Let's fucking do this. 56 00:03:50,957 --> 00:03:52,357 Two minutes! 57 00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:55,594 Piss in the bathroom or outside, I don't give a shit! 58 00:03:55,628 --> 00:03:58,197 There's two fucking minutes! 59 00:03:58,231 --> 00:04:00,666 Oh, Rob. Good to see ya. 60 00:04:06,806 --> 00:04:08,708 I'm so sorry! 61 00:04:08,741 --> 00:04:11,143 I promise I'll pay you back everything I owe you. 62 00:04:11,177 --> 00:04:13,312 I'm so sick of this. 63 00:04:13,346 --> 00:04:15,882 We were supposed to do shit when we moved out here. 64 00:04:15,915 --> 00:04:18,885 I didn't come here to pay your rent and bail you out. 65 00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:22,188 I pay rent; I want... I want to pay rent. 66 00:04:23,923 --> 00:04:25,024 Can you just listen? 67 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:26,759 Last night was an accident. 68 00:04:26,792 --> 00:04:28,794 It's not like this happens every da. 69 00:04:28,828 --> 00:04:31,197 Drunk driving when your only source of income is driving 70 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,999 - is not an accident. - I didn't drink. 71 00:04:33,032 --> 00:04:35,067 In my car, nonetheless. 72 00:04:35,101 --> 00:04:38,237 Now your license is revoked. What are you gonna do? 73 00:04:38,271 --> 00:04:41,374 Can you just relax and just like stop being so emotional? 74 00:04:42,008 --> 00:04:44,677 - Fuck you, Arnold. - What? 75 00:04:44,710 --> 00:04:46,345 Are you kidding? 76 00:04:46,379 --> 00:04:50,983 Hey! Hey, hey. Listen, I'm... I'm sorry. Will you just listen? 77 00:04:51,851 --> 00:04:54,486 I'm sorry. I'll take my stuff 78 00:04:54,519 --> 00:04:57,156 and I'll take the van and I'll go stay at a friend's. 79 00:04:57,189 --> 00:04:58,958 You need to stay here. 80 00:05:00,059 --> 00:05:02,161 You don't have any friends. 81 00:05:02,194 --> 00:05:03,396 Oh, okay. 82 00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:13,605 All right, thank you very much. 83 00:05:13,639 --> 00:05:15,274 I appreciate that, man. 84 00:05:15,308 --> 00:05:18,144 It's good to see you guys. Great to be here doing comedy, 85 00:05:18,177 --> 00:05:19,946 mainly 'cause I spent the last decade of my life 86 00:05:19,979 --> 00:05:23,382 playing in a bunch of bands that have failed frickin' miserably! 87 00:05:23,416 --> 00:05:25,583 But it's all right. I'm working through it. 88 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,353 I just wish there was a support group called 89 00:05:27,386 --> 00:05:29,221 Rockaholics Anonymous. That way you can be like, 90 00:05:29,255 --> 00:05:31,290 "So, just completed step four of my recovery." 91 00:05:31,324 --> 00:05:33,793 That's just where you have to stop snorting lines of ants 92 00:05:33,826 --> 00:05:35,261 off of Sunset Boulevard... 93 00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:37,063 Step six is being funny. 94 00:05:37,096 --> 00:05:38,530 Yeah, and step six is figuring out 95 00:05:38,563 --> 00:05:40,232 what fucking look it is you're going for, man. 96 00:05:40,266 --> 00:05:42,702 You can't be fat and a hipster at the same time. 97 00:05:42,735 --> 00:05:45,037 - Fuck you, lesbian. - I might look like a lesbian, 98 00:05:45,071 --> 00:05:46,571 but it's a hell of a lot better than that whole 99 00:05:46,604 --> 00:05:48,741 lumber-sexual thing that you got going on, bro. 100 00:05:48,774 --> 00:05:52,111 It was 95 degrees in Los Angeles today, okay? 101 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,447 You've got a beard, a flannel with skinny jeans. 102 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,316 What, you want us to believe you're gonna go chop wood in Silverlake after this, 103 00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:59,584 dressed as fucking Paul Bunyan's gay stepson? 104 00:05:59,617 --> 00:06:02,421 They're laughing at you, yeah! 105 00:06:02,455 --> 00:06:03,823 Why don't you try saying something to me 106 00:06:03,856 --> 00:06:05,424 - without a microphone, dick? - Bro, hey, I'm just 107 00:06:05,458 --> 00:06:06,826 - trying to do my job, man. - Hey, get the fuck 108 00:06:06,859 --> 00:06:08,127 - outta here dude. - Oh my God. 109 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,829 - Jesus Christ. - The fuck is wrong with you, 110 00:06:09,862 --> 00:06:12,331 - you fuck? - Dude, oh my God! 111 00:06:12,365 --> 00:06:14,133 - Fuck you, dude. - Yeah. 112 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,668 Dude, it's a good thing you're here. 113 00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:17,903 I didn't feel like murdering somebody tonight. 114 00:06:17,937 --> 00:06:19,905 - Yeah. - I can't afford to get arrested 115 00:06:19,939 --> 00:06:21,774 with my career peaking like it is, you know? 116 00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:23,608 Maybe not with the whole... 117 00:06:23,642 --> 00:06:26,846 lesbian Kevin Bacon thing you got going on, but uh... 118 00:06:26,879 --> 00:06:28,681 That's pretty funny. You got me on that, yeah. 119 00:06:28,714 --> 00:06:30,182 - Yeah. - Yeah 120 00:06:30,216 --> 00:06:32,451 Hey... You should try to get on stage, man. 121 00:06:32,485 --> 00:06:34,519 You should do it. If you're thinking about it, just do it. 122 00:06:34,552 --> 00:06:36,022 Yeah... 123 00:06:36,055 --> 00:06:39,191 I mean, sometimes... I do sign up for open mics, but... 124 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,194 Nah, I'm fucking chicken shit. 125 00:06:42,228 --> 00:06:44,663 Second my name gets called, I run out of there. It's embarrassing. 126 00:06:44,697 --> 00:06:46,165 You're telling me that you have no problem 127 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,868 breaking up a fight between two total strangers, 128 00:06:48,901 --> 00:06:51,270 but you're too afraid to go on stage? 129 00:06:52,872 --> 00:06:55,007 So, uh... Where's your ride? 130 00:06:55,041 --> 00:06:56,842 I'm actually... uh, parked down the street. 131 00:06:56,876 --> 00:06:58,310 I can give you a ride over there. 132 00:06:58,344 --> 00:07:00,679 Nah, I'm good, man. I'm cool to walk, yeah. 133 00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:02,148 It's no big deal, I'll give you a ride. 134 00:07:02,181 --> 00:07:03,816 I'm not gonna try to have sex with you. 135 00:07:03,849 --> 00:07:06,419 Jesus, what are you, homeless or something? 136 00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:11,857 Dude, are you homeless? 137 00:07:12,491 --> 00:07:14,326 I'm... 138 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,662 Listen, can you just... fuck off right now? 139 00:07:16,695 --> 00:07:18,864 - I just don't want to talk. - Hey, it... It's nothing to worry about, 140 00:07:18,898 --> 00:07:21,167 - I can give you a ride. - Dude, fuck off! Okay? 141 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,668 - Okay. - Fuck! 142 00:07:22,701 --> 00:07:23,836 Asshole. 143 00:07:23,869 --> 00:07:25,304 You don't fucking know me. 144 00:07:50,029 --> 00:07:52,164 Fucking! 145 00:07:52,198 --> 00:07:54,166 Fucking stupid... 146 00:07:58,304 --> 00:07:59,505 Fuck! 147 00:08:03,542 --> 00:08:06,512 Fuck, all right! One knock is enough. 148 00:08:06,545 --> 00:08:08,881 Look, buddy, there's no sleeping out here. 149 00:08:08,914 --> 00:08:10,549 I've got landlords... 150 00:08:10,583 --> 00:08:12,617 - Oh, fuck. - Holy shit! 151 00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:14,253 Rapey van guy! 152 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:16,055 Oh my God, kicking you out of here is 153 00:08:16,088 --> 00:08:17,923 - definitely going in my spank bank tonight. - All right. 154 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:20,259 - Man, I'm sorry about last night. - You should be. 155 00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:21,894 Yeah, it was my fault, I know that. 156 00:08:21,927 --> 00:08:23,896 But my van broke down and I had nowhere to go. 157 00:08:23,929 --> 00:08:26,065 Tough shit, asshole. Beat it. 158 00:08:26,098 --> 00:08:27,733 Hey man, you think I really want to be 159 00:08:27,766 --> 00:08:29,368 parked next to this fucking shithole? 160 00:08:29,401 --> 00:08:31,437 This is a place of business. 161 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:35,441 Fuck! We have a restroom! 162 00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:38,544 Griff, we are right next to a 7-Eleven for Christ's sake. 163 00:08:38,577 --> 00:08:40,379 Show some damn respect! 164 00:08:40,412 --> 00:08:43,682 You! Get the fuck out of here! Right now. God dammit! 165 00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:47,453 Hey, man. I don't have anywhere to fucking go. 166 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:48,787 Can you fuck off somewhere else? 167 00:08:48,821 --> 00:08:50,389 Runnin' a business here. 168 00:08:54,827 --> 00:08:56,462 Fuck. 169 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:59,732 All right, you guys ready to get this open mic going? 170 00:08:59,765 --> 00:09:01,934 Yes, that's what I'm talkin' about. 171 00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:05,938 Explosion! Oh my God, it's good to be here. 172 00:09:05,971 --> 00:09:07,406 It's good to see you guys, man. 173 00:09:07,439 --> 00:09:08,574 - Yeah! - Yes, 174 00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:09,909 that's what I'm talking about. 175 00:09:09,942 --> 00:09:11,443 Thank you, let's do... Ah, man, 176 00:09:11,477 --> 00:09:13,479 it's so good to be out here in North Hollywood, man. 177 00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,347 Love North Hollywood. Not as sexy 178 00:09:15,381 --> 00:09:17,082 as the rest of Los Angeles. 179 00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:18,817 You want to talk to some hot girls? 180 00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:21,620 Not happening! No hot chicks! 181 00:09:21,655 --> 00:09:23,956 But you want to get your tires rotated, 182 00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,492 we got 75 different places to choose from, 183 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,928 right here on this street alone, okay? 184 00:09:28,961 --> 00:09:30,664 You want to meet some famous people? 185 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:34,800 Not happening! No famous people, man. None whatsoever. 186 00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:36,535 But you wanna trade your car for scrap metal, 187 00:09:36,569 --> 00:09:39,838 we got 175 different places to choose from 188 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:42,341 within a two-block radius. It's beautiful. 189 00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:44,476 Aw man, you want to get some good food? 190 00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:47,346 - Actually we do have some good food out here. We do. - Oh! 191 00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:49,848 We do, yeah. As long as your idea of good food 192 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,451 is an H&R Block fucking Taco Bell! 193 00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:54,453 Explosion! Yes! 194 00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:56,889 Thank you, guys. I don't even really have an ending 195 00:09:56,922 --> 00:09:58,490 for that joke yet, so we're just gonna 196 00:09:58,524 --> 00:09:59,992 get this open mic going, guys. 197 00:10:00,025 --> 00:10:01,994 Oh yeah, let's do this! 198 00:10:02,027 --> 00:10:03,896 Let's welcome to the stage our first performer. 199 00:10:03,929 --> 00:10:05,965 Coming up here, I love this guy, you know him, you love him, 200 00:10:05,998 --> 00:10:08,534 the one, the only, Amir Kalil! Yes! 201 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,569 Amir, get on up here, baby. 202 00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:13,038 - Good to see you. - Ah, he brought an instrument! 203 00:10:20,179 --> 00:10:22,815 ♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah ♪ 204 00:10:22,848 --> 00:10:24,583 ♪ Wooh hoo hoo ♪ 205 00:10:24,617 --> 00:10:27,353 Listen, guys, I'm actually mixed race 206 00:10:27,386 --> 00:10:29,555 with Black and Arabic, 207 00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:32,057 and it really does come out in my singing. 208 00:10:32,891 --> 00:10:34,260 This is what it sounds like. 209 00:10:34,293 --> 00:10:37,731 ♪ Baby, ooh, yeah ♪ 210 00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:42,268 So I grew up the daughter of a Russian immigrant. 211 00:10:42,301 --> 00:10:45,004 And let me tell you, she critiqued everything. 212 00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:47,172 Anyways, this one day I come home from school 213 00:10:47,206 --> 00:10:48,742 and I'm really upset 214 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:51,210 because this girl has made up rumors about me. 215 00:10:51,243 --> 00:10:53,612 Anyway, so I go to my mother and I'm crying, 216 00:10:53,647 --> 00:10:56,248 "Mama, she said, I'm a slut, she said I'm a whore." 217 00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:59,285 And my mother, she looks at me and she's really offended. 218 00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:02,054 And she says to me, "Sveta, 219 00:11:02,087 --> 00:11:05,891 why you care who say you slut, who say you whore? 220 00:11:05,924 --> 00:11:08,560 What matters is I know 221 00:11:08,594 --> 00:11:11,030 you fucking prostitute-ka." 222 00:11:11,063 --> 00:11:14,967 Oh my God, real comedy! 223 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,737 So much better than the other girl! 224 00:11:17,771 --> 00:11:19,538 Thank you guys all so much. 225 00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:21,040 This is actually my last show tonight. 226 00:11:21,073 --> 00:11:23,809 I've booked a recurring role on Improv Tonite. 227 00:11:23,842 --> 00:11:26,278 So I'm gonna have an audience larger than five people. 228 00:11:30,849 --> 00:11:33,919 Check me out on Instagram! 229 00:11:33,952 --> 00:11:36,288 - Well, I mean, you said three minutes? - Yeah. 230 00:11:36,322 --> 00:11:37,791 Yeah, we just did five. 231 00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,291 Minutes that actually work. 232 00:11:39,325 --> 00:11:41,293 Yeah, we kinda bypass that, you see this? 233 00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:44,330 - We got all these followers right here. - Yeah. 234 00:11:44,363 --> 00:11:47,099 Mm, how long did you say you were doing comedy again? 235 00:11:47,132 --> 00:11:49,468 - Well, we just started like a month... - Oh, yeah, about a month. 236 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,471 We're models, influencers, for uh... 237 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:53,839 honestly, probably the dopest 238 00:11:53,872 --> 00:11:55,407 vegan shaving cream startup in the city. 239 00:11:55,441 --> 00:11:57,910 - Right, right. - Yeah, how does that work? 240 00:11:57,943 --> 00:11:59,511 Well, okay, so like, 241 00:11:59,545 --> 00:12:01,180 if you're gonna do a vegan alternative, right? 242 00:12:01,213 --> 00:12:04,316 You gotta do something that is both sexy and empowering. 243 00:12:04,350 --> 00:12:05,951 So that's kind of where we come in. 244 00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:09,421 He brings the empowering, I bring the sexy. 245 00:12:09,455 --> 00:12:10,522 - Yup. - Yup. 246 00:12:10,556 --> 00:12:12,124 Oh, how... 247 00:12:12,157 --> 00:12:13,525 Um, I, uh... 248 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:16,995 I would love to sit here and talk more... 249 00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:18,130 - Yeah, please do. - About 250 00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:20,132 the vegan sour cream company... 251 00:12:20,165 --> 00:12:21,433 Shaving cream. 252 00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:23,268 - Sorry... - That you guys got going. 253 00:12:23,302 --> 00:12:24,536 - It's shaving cream. - It's shaving cream. 254 00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:26,438 It's a shaving cream company. 255 00:12:26,472 --> 00:12:28,273 - Shaving cream. - Sorry, I've never heard somebody say that, it's crazy. 256 00:12:28,307 --> 00:12:30,275 Shaving cream company y'all are putting together, 257 00:12:30,309 --> 00:12:33,780 love to stay here and talk more about that, but I gotta run. 258 00:12:33,813 --> 00:12:37,883 And Devontae? Aren't you signed up at Bomb Shelter tonight? 259 00:12:37,916 --> 00:12:39,351 - Fuck. - Right. 260 00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,387 Nice to meet y'all, good luck with everything. 261 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:42,521 - Yeah, yeah, yeah... - Yeah, bye. 262 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:43,622 - Nicole, right? - Take care. 263 00:12:43,656 --> 00:12:44,791 - Nelly. - Nelly? 264 00:12:44,824 --> 00:12:46,693 - Nelly, Nelly. - Nelly. 265 00:12:48,762 --> 00:12:50,396 What's up with your girl? 266 00:12:50,429 --> 00:12:53,132 It's a tough crowd, but I feel like she killed it. 267 00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:55,835 No, no. I'm talking about like... what's good with her, right? 268 00:12:55,869 --> 00:12:57,637 - You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, no. 269 00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:03,175 All right, guys. Next up, none of us are actually sure 270 00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:05,812 whether this guy is really funny or not, 271 00:13:05,845 --> 00:13:07,980 but let's keep it going for the one, the only, 272 00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:11,818 Griff Frickin' Pippin! Yes! 273 00:13:11,851 --> 00:13:15,254 Just a bunch of motherfuckers tellin' some truth! 274 00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:16,522 - Yeah! - Yeah! 275 00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:18,223 Yeah! Woo! 276 00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:21,093 You know what I hate? you know what fucking sucks? 277 00:13:21,126 --> 00:13:23,529 Car... Car insurance, Goddammit. 278 00:13:23,562 --> 00:13:25,698 I fucking hate it. They bend you right over 279 00:13:25,732 --> 00:13:27,566 and they fuck you in the ass! 280 00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:28,934 And you know what? 281 00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:30,870 You don't even have to have car insurance. 282 00:13:30,904 --> 00:13:32,404 Do you know that? 283 00:13:32,438 --> 00:13:35,174 You could just drive around without car insurance. 284 00:13:35,207 --> 00:13:37,844 You could drive around. As long as you take care of yourself, 285 00:13:37,877 --> 00:13:40,345 you don't have to fucking have car insurance. 286 00:13:40,379 --> 00:13:43,683 So, fuck all of you. Have a good night! 287 00:13:43,716 --> 00:13:46,786 Next up, the only one of us actually making a living 288 00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,620 off of comedy right now, no... 289 00:13:48,655 --> 00:13:51,557 - Fuck! - Yeah, maybe next year, Pippin. 290 00:13:51,590 --> 00:13:54,059 All right, not even sure why this guy still comes here, 291 00:13:54,092 --> 00:13:55,427 but it's always great to have the him. 292 00:13:55,461 --> 00:13:57,697 The one, the only, Dante Chang, guys. 293 00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:00,199 - Yeah! - Dante Chang, what's goin' on, baby? 294 00:14:00,232 --> 00:14:03,736 Holy shit, that's the biggest catfish I've ever seen. 295 00:14:03,770 --> 00:14:06,572 Griff, shut the fuck up. You know why? 296 00:14:06,605 --> 00:14:10,242 Because... You know... You're a white man from the waist up, 297 00:14:10,275 --> 00:14:13,612 but you're a black woman from the waist down. 298 00:14:13,646 --> 00:14:15,715 People say the most racist things to me, you know? 299 00:14:15,748 --> 00:14:16,950 Other day, dude was like, 300 00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:19,618 "Do your people really eat dog and shit?" 301 00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:21,721 It's messed up. Whenever I go to my friend's house, 302 00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:23,890 they hide their dog and shit. 303 00:14:23,923 --> 00:14:26,425 You can hear it scratching 304 00:14:26,458 --> 00:14:28,293 It's like, "Hey man, you got a dog?" 305 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,597 "No, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." 306 00:14:31,631 --> 00:14:32,932 Then it barks, "Woof!" 307 00:14:32,966 --> 00:14:34,132 "You do have a dog. 308 00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:36,568 It's okay, man, I got a dog too." 309 00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:39,104 They're like, "Is it in your freezer?" 310 00:14:39,137 --> 00:14:42,307 Like, "No, man, it's in the oven." 311 00:14:44,343 --> 00:14:46,311 So this is where you go where... 312 00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,815 you're good, or... you just getting started? 313 00:14:48,848 --> 00:14:50,750 I think it's where you come when you, like really... 314 00:14:50,783 --> 00:14:52,184 When you want to... Get in for this. 315 00:14:52,217 --> 00:14:53,753 When you want to sit aggressively close to people, 316 00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:55,320 this is where you come. 317 00:14:55,354 --> 00:14:56,555 Say that again? 318 00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:00,092 Could you say that one more time? 319 00:15:00,559 --> 00:15:01,694 Forget it. 320 00:15:01,728 --> 00:15:04,029 Next up, you know him, you love him, 321 00:15:04,062 --> 00:15:05,932 the one, the only... 322 00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:08,133 - He goes by Just Kyle, guys. Give it up... - For real? 323 00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:10,703 - Yes, Kyle. Kyle, get up here. - What the fuck... 324 00:15:10,737 --> 00:15:12,471 - Aw, what the fuck? - This sucks! 325 00:15:12,504 --> 00:15:16,643 So I visited my grandma the other day, and... 326 00:15:16,676 --> 00:15:18,711 You know, she's always criticizing me. 327 00:15:18,745 --> 00:15:22,147 She was like, "Kyle, your shoes are dirty. 328 00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:24,216 Kyle, your shirt is wrinkled. 329 00:15:24,249 --> 00:15:27,020 Maybe you should iron more often." 330 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:28,554 And I told her like, 331 00:15:28,587 --> 00:15:31,290 "Grandma, you need to iron your face." 332 00:15:32,025 --> 00:15:33,258 Wow! 333 00:15:37,897 --> 00:15:40,332 What, you guys don't... Don't have grandmas? 334 00:15:40,365 --> 00:15:42,301 This guy looks like a fucking programmer 335 00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:43,803 that just did a bunch of meth. 336 00:15:43,836 --> 00:15:45,672 I may look like I do meth, 337 00:15:45,705 --> 00:15:47,840 but I'm definitely not a programmer. 338 00:15:47,874 --> 00:15:51,476 Next up, we got the one, the only, Devontae Green, everybody! 339 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:55,213 Jesus Christ, agai? 340 00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:57,082 Goddamn, man. 341 00:15:57,115 --> 00:16:00,152 Well, there goes our only full black comic of the night, guys. 342 00:16:00,185 --> 00:16:03,756 So, she really comes here and does comedy... 343 00:16:04,791 --> 00:16:06,358 - The mic... - She's supposed to be funny, 344 00:16:06,391 --> 00:16:07,961 -Yep. Well, yeah. 345 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:12,564 There's differences of opinion of what funny is. 346 00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,600 I... For instance, I saw somebody... 347 00:16:14,634 --> 00:16:16,535 Some... Someone clapped during your routine. 348 00:16:16,568 --> 00:16:18,604 Nah, that's like saying that you don't see color. 349 00:16:26,746 --> 00:16:28,180 Hey, man. 350 00:16:28,213 --> 00:16:31,084 That was the most metal shit I've ever fucking seen. 351 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,886 Creepy van guy! Ah, you're still here. 352 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,055 Dude, can you just give me the night to figure out my van 353 00:16:36,089 --> 00:16:37,924 - and I'll be gone in the morning? - Hard pass. 354 00:16:37,957 --> 00:16:40,059 Place of business. Can't run a hotel on the side. 355 00:16:40,093 --> 00:16:41,794 Dude, look, I'm just... 356 00:16:41,828 --> 00:16:43,930 I'm just looking for a little fucking understanding. 357 00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:45,430 Dude, if I let you stay here, 358 00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:47,199 then every comic in Los Angeles is gonna be like, 359 00:16:47,232 --> 00:16:49,234 "Oh, hey Dave, why can't I just stay there too 360 00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,904 - like that one guy does?" - Dude, this isn't the fucking Ritz Carlton, man. 361 00:16:51,938 --> 00:16:53,072 I think you're okay. 362 00:16:53,106 --> 00:16:55,240 If your van isn't gone by lockup, 363 00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:56,776 I'm going to have your van towed. 364 00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:58,543 I shoulda let that fucking hillbilly 365 00:16:58,577 --> 00:17:00,046 pick his fucking teeth with you. 366 00:17:00,079 --> 00:17:03,049 Running a business ain't for the tenderhearted. 367 00:17:03,082 --> 00:17:05,985 How fucking tenderhearted do you think the cops would be if... 368 00:17:06,019 --> 00:17:10,489 I don't know, they saw the one, two, three, uh... 369 00:17:10,522 --> 00:17:12,257 Just those fire hazards I can see 370 00:17:12,290 --> 00:17:13,425 off the top of my fucking head? 371 00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:15,728 All right. What do you want? 372 00:17:15,762 --> 00:17:17,063 Let me fix 'em. 373 00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:18,965 For? 374 00:17:18,998 --> 00:17:20,165 Dude. 375 00:17:20,198 --> 00:17:21,400 I'm not as dumb as I fucking look. 376 00:17:21,433 --> 00:17:22,902 Let me... Let me fix the place up. 377 00:17:22,935 --> 00:17:25,270 Just give me like a week or two tops 378 00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,973 to figure out my van shit. 379 00:17:27,006 --> 00:17:29,008 This place will be better, and you won't even know I'm here. 380 00:17:32,812 --> 00:17:35,180 - Okay. - Oh, man! Really? 381 00:17:35,213 --> 00:17:37,016 No! Oh, my God! 382 00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:39,317 Bro, I, unlike you, have landlords. 383 00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,120 - I share this lot with other businesses... - Oh, God! 384 00:17:41,154 --> 00:17:42,587 And... and... 385 00:17:42,621 --> 00:17:44,623 Yeah, I know. You'll fucking tow me if I'm not gone. 386 00:17:44,657 --> 00:17:45,992 Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, bam! 387 00:17:46,025 --> 00:17:48,828 Explosion! Yes, you've got it! 388 00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:51,563 Ah, my God. 389 00:17:53,498 --> 00:17:55,134 Fuck. 390 00:17:58,805 --> 00:18:00,773 Hey. Um... 391 00:18:01,506 --> 00:18:03,910 Yeah. It's me. Uh... 392 00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,947 I'm not doing so hot right now, and um... 393 00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:10,116 can I crash at your place? 394 00:18:10,149 --> 00:18:12,652 Hang up the phone! 395 00:18:13,853 --> 00:18:15,888 - Hey, can I call you back? - God... 396 00:18:15,922 --> 00:18:19,025 You were just groveling. 397 00:18:19,058 --> 00:18:20,660 Don't you understand? 398 00:18:20,693 --> 00:18:24,296 If you go back to her now, she freaking owns you, man! 399 00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:26,199 I don't see... What other options do I have? 400 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,801 I can't let... 401 00:18:28,835 --> 00:18:32,872 another man... become... a bitch. 402 00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,675 This society... does nothing... 403 00:18:35,708 --> 00:18:39,611 but try to say every ounce of masculinity that we have away from us. 404 00:18:39,645 --> 00:18:42,815 We are men. We do men shit. 405 00:18:42,849 --> 00:18:46,585 You will not go crawling back to that woman. 406 00:18:46,618 --> 00:18:48,320 God! Dang it! 407 00:18:48,353 --> 00:18:51,523 - I won't? - No! She broke your heart. 408 00:18:51,556 --> 00:18:53,192 Didn't call you for months, 409 00:18:53,226 --> 00:18:55,228 lied about her parents liking you 410 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,329 when you knew that they hated you. Despite the fact 411 00:18:57,362 --> 00:18:59,364 that you complemented their roast chicken, 412 00:18:59,397 --> 00:19:02,168 which tastes like burnt pubes! 413 00:19:09,474 --> 00:19:11,543 - You can fix the place up, okay? - Ahhh! 414 00:19:11,576 --> 00:19:14,914 Just promise me you won't go crawling back to her. 415 00:19:14,947 --> 00:19:19,584 She's the woman. She comes crawling back to yo, the man. 416 00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:22,188 - This is man time. - Yeah. 417 00:19:22,221 --> 00:19:24,090 - Man time. - Right. 418 00:19:24,123 --> 00:19:25,457 - Man time! - Yeah, got it. 419 00:19:25,490 --> 00:19:26,793 - Man time! - Yeah, cool. 420 00:19:26,826 --> 00:19:28,060 Man! Say it! 421 00:19:28,094 --> 00:19:30,229 - Man time, man time. - Man time, man time. 422 00:19:30,263 --> 00:19:32,265 Okay, yes. I feel like... 423 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:34,466 Yes, whatever you say. I feel like a lot of that wasn't... 424 00:19:34,499 --> 00:19:36,002 - Direc... Directed at me, and... - Good. 425 00:19:36,803 --> 00:19:39,404 kind of sounded like a 1950s marriage counselor, 426 00:19:39,437 --> 00:19:42,440 but yes. Yes. Yes, anything. I'm... 427 00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:44,543 - Thank you. I will not let you down. - Good... 428 00:19:44,576 --> 00:19:46,646 - Whatever you need. I'm here. - You gotta couple of weeks. 429 00:19:46,679 --> 00:19:48,114 Okay, yeah. 430 00:19:48,147 --> 00:19:49,882 - All right, last thing. - Yeah? 431 00:19:49,916 --> 00:19:52,084 No dick fucking around. This is a place of business. 432 00:19:52,118 --> 00:19:53,719 Okay. Done. 433 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,555 Ahh. 434 00:20:02,594 --> 00:20:05,497 Oh, what the fuck? 435 00:20:05,530 --> 00:20:07,200 Did that just fuck... 436 00:20:08,134 --> 00:20:10,903 Those are my clean fucking socks. 437 00:20:10,937 --> 00:20:12,305 God damn it! 438 00:20:15,942 --> 00:20:17,243 Hey, yo. My dude, uh... 439 00:20:17,276 --> 00:20:19,312 You really think that this is the, uh... 440 00:20:19,377 --> 00:20:21,914 the best spot for you to have your little... 441 00:20:21,948 --> 00:20:23,515 uh, nervous breakdown? 442 00:20:23,548 --> 00:20:27,653 Ah... Just doing some spring cleaning on my home, so. 443 00:20:29,956 --> 00:20:31,523 You one of them white people where the... 444 00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:33,659 the privilege just kinda passed right over you, huh? 445 00:20:33,693 --> 00:20:36,796 Passed right over my whole fucking state. 446 00:20:36,829 --> 00:20:39,598 I'm just getting like a... Arby's roast beef... 447 00:20:39,632 --> 00:20:41,000 - vibe, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. 448 00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:42,434 Okay, cool. Yeah. 449 00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:45,638 Yeah. I'm... Well, I'm... I'm Arnold. 450 00:20:45,671 --> 00:20:47,606 I uh... live here. 451 00:20:48,506 --> 00:20:49,709 What about you? 452 00:20:50,910 --> 00:20:52,678 Um... Devontae. 453 00:20:52,712 --> 00:20:54,747 - You live here, like, permanently, or? - Yeah. 454 00:20:56,349 --> 00:21:00,219 Well, me and my girl kinda of... Are going through it. 455 00:21:00,253 --> 00:21:02,520 So it's just, uh... 456 00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:04,891 me and the Mystery Machine... 457 00:21:04,924 --> 00:21:06,491 right here. Oh! Uh... 458 00:21:06,524 --> 00:21:10,096 Jacuzzi's going in right there, so just... Yeah, thanks. 459 00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:12,965 Let me just... I'll make sure... 460 00:21:12,999 --> 00:21:15,201 Yeah, that's a good spot too. Actually. 461 00:21:15,234 --> 00:21:17,502 You know, usually when you go from living together 462 00:21:17,535 --> 00:21:20,640 to living in a van, that's called a breakup, my dude. 463 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,743 But you know, you never know. 464 00:21:23,776 --> 00:21:25,645 What's uh... What's your story? 465 00:21:26,879 --> 00:21:29,581 I moved out here two years ago from high school. 466 00:21:29,614 --> 00:21:31,050 - Nice. - Yeah. 467 00:21:31,751 --> 00:21:33,352 Yeah. You a comic? 468 00:21:33,386 --> 00:21:37,056 Nah. Yeah... I mean... I moved here to... 469 00:21:37,890 --> 00:21:41,193 to at least... try it. Baby steps. 470 00:21:41,227 --> 00:21:43,029 Devontae! As I live and breathe. 471 00:21:43,062 --> 00:21:45,097 Thanks for actually showing up this time. 472 00:21:45,131 --> 00:21:47,166 Shit. All right, I'ma have to hit you later. 473 00:21:47,199 --> 00:21:48,600 - Yeah? - Uh, yeah. 474 00:21:48,634 --> 00:21:50,535 Yeah. I gotta get back on Dave's good side. 475 00:21:50,568 --> 00:21:52,238 - Yeah. - All right, I'll see you. 476 00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:55,908 Yeah. Oh, uh... Well, a Waka Flocka Flame to you, sir. 477 00:21:55,942 --> 00:22:00,146 As Ice Cube says, "I hope you have a good day." 478 00:22:01,814 --> 00:22:03,548 All right, so I'ma jump right into it, uh, 479 00:22:03,581 --> 00:22:06,551 'cause, uh, no one else has addressed it yet. Um... 480 00:22:06,584 --> 00:22:08,754 I'll... I'll talk about the dude in the van. 481 00:22:08,788 --> 00:22:10,256 There's a dude... 482 00:22:10,289 --> 00:22:12,725 There's a... There's a dude in the van right outside. 483 00:22:12,758 --> 00:22:15,895 Yeah I don't know if anybody had the pleasure of talking to him. 484 00:22:15,928 --> 00:22:18,931 He's... He's a cool dude. He seems like a cool-ass dude. 485 00:22:18,965 --> 00:22:20,565 He's going through a breakup. 486 00:22:20,598 --> 00:22:22,534 He doesn't know that yet, but he's going through it. 487 00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:26,105 He's... He's gonna figure that part out, you know. Um... 488 00:22:26,138 --> 00:22:28,107 The... What I really like about him is that clearly, 489 00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:30,575 he likes to date women of color. 490 00:22:30,608 --> 00:22:32,645 'Cause, know what I'm saying, though? He was definitely dating a sister 491 00:22:32,678 --> 00:22:34,413 that put him out who put them out in that motherfucking van 492 00:22:34,447 --> 00:22:36,415 right out... outside of this place? 493 00:22:36,449 --> 00:22:39,051 She probably made sure he ended up at this place too. 494 00:22:44,657 --> 00:22:46,258 Yo, van guy! 495 00:22:46,292 --> 00:22:47,994 We all noticed you're about a half a step away 496 00:22:48,027 --> 00:22:49,428 from losing your fucking mind out here. 497 00:22:49,462 --> 00:22:51,297 Why don't you come check out a show? 498 00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:52,765 You just did a bunch of shows, man. 499 00:22:52,798 --> 00:22:54,266 No, those are mics. 500 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:57,303 I'm talking about a real show with real people. 501 00:22:57,336 --> 00:22:58,637 Aren't you real people? 502 00:22:58,671 --> 00:23:00,605 Comics aren't real people, you idiot. 503 00:23:00,639 --> 00:23:02,274 We're barely even human, all right? 504 00:23:02,308 --> 00:23:03,943 Have you seen our bathroom? 505 00:23:03,976 --> 00:23:05,778 I mean, come on, have you talked to Griff Pippin? 506 00:23:05,811 --> 00:23:07,279 The guy's a fucking nut job. 507 00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:09,348 It'll ease your mind. Just come on. Come with... 508 00:23:09,382 --> 00:23:10,750 Trust me. Come with me. 509 00:23:13,486 --> 00:23:15,221 All right. Fuck it. 510 00:23:17,189 --> 00:23:19,557 There you go. Nicely done. 511 00:23:20,059 --> 00:23:21,559 - Jesus Christ. - Ow. 512 00:23:22,828 --> 00:23:24,497 My God, bro. 513 00:23:24,529 --> 00:23:26,866 She fucked you up. There you... Oh, very good. 514 00:23:26,899 --> 00:23:29,368 Yeah, you wouldn't want anyone to drive your immobile home away. 515 00:23:29,402 --> 00:23:30,770 Let's go! 516 00:23:30,803 --> 00:23:32,071 ♪ When I roll up To the club ♪ 517 00:23:32,104 --> 00:23:33,773 ♪ All I wanna see is Chonka lonka ♪ 518 00:23:33,806 --> 00:23:35,307 ♪ Pull up on dubs ♪ 519 00:23:35,341 --> 00:23:37,109 ♪ In the backseat is Chonka lonka ♪ 520 00:23:37,143 --> 00:23:38,477 ♪ Better show me love ♪ 521 00:23:38,511 --> 00:23:40,279 ♪ If you know you got a Chonka lonka ♪ 522 00:23:40,312 --> 00:23:41,579 ♪ Don't care about Them jugs ♪ 523 00:23:41,613 --> 00:23:43,548 ♪ I just wanna see your Chonka lonka ♪ 524 00:23:43,581 --> 00:23:44,817 ♪ When I come up In the club ♪ 525 00:23:44,850 --> 00:23:46,318 ♪ I ain't trying to talk To no girl ♪ 526 00:23:46,352 --> 00:23:48,187 ♪ I'm just trying to see You bend over ♪ 527 00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:49,488 ♪ And shake your Chonka lonkas ♪ 528 00:23:49,522 --> 00:23:51,357 ♪ White girls with the Shirts on... ♪ 529 00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:53,392 Have you guys enjoyed the show that you've seen so far? 530 00:23:53,426 --> 00:23:55,327 We having a good time tonight guys? 531 00:23:55,361 --> 00:23:58,397 Let me hear ya! 532 00:23:58,431 --> 00:23:59,865 But... 533 00:23:59,899 --> 00:24:02,701 We have reached a point... in the night... 534 00:24:03,601 --> 00:24:05,237 This is the time... 535 00:24:05,271 --> 00:24:06,571 of the show that I've been looking forward... 536 00:24:06,604 --> 00:24:08,040 It's my favorite part of the show 537 00:24:08,074 --> 00:24:10,042 because there have been too many sex machines 538 00:24:10,076 --> 00:24:12,678 making it look freaking easy up here. 539 00:24:12,711 --> 00:24:16,549 And I can assure you guys, it is not as easy as it looks. 540 00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:17,883 - Okay. - And that is why 541 00:24:17,917 --> 00:24:20,386 we do this at this show. We are about to engage 542 00:24:20,419 --> 00:24:22,655 in my favorite ritual in all of comedy, 543 00:24:22,688 --> 00:24:24,890 the virgin sacrifice! 544 00:24:26,425 --> 00:24:30,896 Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin... 545 00:24:31,097 --> 00:24:32,698 Silence! 546 00:24:32,731 --> 00:24:34,599 Is there one among you... 547 00:24:34,633 --> 00:24:35,935 who has the guts to come up here 548 00:24:35,968 --> 00:24:39,004 and sacrifice yourself for this audience here? 549 00:24:39,038 --> 00:24:41,707 - Is there not one among you? - I'll do it. 550 00:24:41,740 --> 00:24:43,242 - Oh! - I'll fucking do it! 551 00:24:43,275 --> 00:24:46,745 We have our virgin right here! Get up here! 552 00:24:47,246 --> 00:24:49,715 Oh, man. Woo! 553 00:24:49,748 --> 00:24:52,251 All right, what is your name? 554 00:24:53,786 --> 00:24:55,221 Chet. 555 00:24:55,254 --> 00:24:56,822 Chet what? 556 00:24:57,723 --> 00:24:59,792 Just Chet, bro! 557 00:24:59,825 --> 00:25:01,961 All right, guys. Give it up, 558 00:25:01,994 --> 00:25:05,464 keep it going for just Chet! 559 00:25:05,498 --> 00:25:09,034 Oh, my God! Oh my... 560 00:25:09,068 --> 00:25:10,636 Ohhh! 561 00:25:10,669 --> 00:25:12,037 Oh! 562 00:25:12,071 --> 00:25:15,341 I... love... fucking bitches! 563 00:25:18,444 --> 00:25:20,980 Oh. All right. 564 00:25:21,013 --> 00:25:24,216 Well I guess I'll tell you this one story. Uh... 565 00:25:25,017 --> 00:25:27,987 So this one time, uh, I was at a club, 566 00:25:28,020 --> 00:25:30,356 and, like, the bouncer... 567 00:25:31,790 --> 00:25:34,960 would not, like, let us in and shit. 568 00:25:34,994 --> 00:25:38,063 And I was like, "Bro, why aren't you letting us in? 569 00:25:38,097 --> 00:25:40,499 We're fucking fly and shit, man!" 570 00:25:42,034 --> 00:25:43,736 Uh, what? 571 00:25:44,803 --> 00:25:46,640 - Okay. - Who is this guy? 572 00:25:46,672 --> 00:25:48,574 Fine. All right. 573 00:25:50,476 --> 00:25:52,745 I guess you had to be there. 574 00:25:52,778 --> 00:25:54,146 I'm fucking Chet! 575 00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:56,515 Yeah! That wasn't comedy! 576 00:25:57,850 --> 00:25:58,951 - Look! - Huh? 577 00:25:58,984 --> 00:26:00,085 - Eggs! - What? 578 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:01,287 Breakfast is served. 579 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,155 You think this... hardened comportment 580 00:26:03,189 --> 00:26:04,690 that you see here was always like this? 581 00:26:04,723 --> 00:26:06,825 No, sir, I've been in the fire brother. 582 00:26:06,859 --> 00:26:08,327 Gotta pull yourself out. 583 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,330 Set goals, plans, frickin' make shit happen, man. 584 00:26:11,363 --> 00:26:12,831 Yeah, where I'm from, we really don't 585 00:26:12,865 --> 00:26:14,433 - do that shit. - Well, you're not in Dayton anymore. 586 00:26:14,466 --> 00:26:16,335 You're right here. Casa de Dave. 587 00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:17,870 Come on, what are you gonna do? 588 00:26:17,903 --> 00:26:19,639 All right. All right! Um... 589 00:26:19,673 --> 00:26:21,774 My van's fucked, I gotta fix it. 590 00:26:21,807 --> 00:26:23,342 - Good start, yes. - Okay. 591 00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:25,844 All right, after that, you're going to? 592 00:26:25,878 --> 00:26:27,813 I guess I can give comedy a real try. 593 00:26:27,846 --> 00:26:30,149 There you go, you're gettin' fuckin' hard! 594 00:26:30,182 --> 00:26:32,652 You're trying standup. What else? What's after that? 595 00:26:32,686 --> 00:26:35,321 I guess when Mary sees how good I'm fuckin' doing, 596 00:26:35,354 --> 00:26:36,822 she'll have to get back together with me. 597 00:26:36,855 --> 00:26:39,458 She might! She might, bro. You'll have a chance. 598 00:26:39,491 --> 00:26:41,327 It's better than fucking what you're doing now. 599 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,529 - Well, yeah. - Okay? 600 00:26:43,562 --> 00:26:46,899 All right. That's a start. Step one, finished. 601 00:26:46,932 --> 00:26:48,668 I got a bunch of tools in my shed too. 602 00:26:48,702 --> 00:26:51,437 It might have everything you need. Fucking boom, man! 603 00:26:56,842 --> 00:26:58,077 How... 604 00:26:58,944 --> 00:27:01,213 How are you, like... 605 00:27:02,281 --> 00:27:04,984 The way... you are? 606 00:27:05,017 --> 00:27:06,585 Did you put fucking meth in those eggs? 607 00:27:06,619 --> 00:27:08,887 No. I can smell a fire in you, kid! 608 00:27:08,921 --> 00:27:10,389 The fucking veins. 609 00:27:10,422 --> 00:27:12,224 It's not a raging fire, it's more of a fat, lazy ember. 610 00:27:12,258 --> 00:27:14,994 But, you gotta be in a real pile of shit 611 00:27:15,027 --> 00:27:16,595 to want to live at The Bomb Shelter. 612 00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:20,866 Fuck! Come on. Come on. 613 00:27:20,899 --> 00:27:23,168 You're right there, baby. Come for me. 614 00:27:23,202 --> 00:27:25,004 Fucking come for me. 615 00:27:25,904 --> 00:27:27,539 Fucking come for... 616 00:27:27,573 --> 00:27:30,776 me! 617 00:27:30,809 --> 00:27:34,380 Oh, mwah! Valhalla, you smile upon me. 618 00:27:34,413 --> 00:27:37,016 Oh! Oh! 619 00:27:37,049 --> 00:27:41,086 No! No, no, no, nooo! 620 00:27:42,054 --> 00:27:43,989 Hey, you got your house working yet? 621 00:27:44,590 --> 00:27:46,525 Yeah, I didn't think it was possible, 622 00:27:46,558 --> 00:27:47,893 but you may actually be decreasing 623 00:27:47,926 --> 00:27:49,461 the property value here, bro. 624 00:27:49,495 --> 00:27:51,196 You should do anything else. 625 00:27:51,230 --> 00:27:53,599 - Hey, yo, do a set. - Yeah, thanks, man. 626 00:27:53,633 --> 00:27:56,435 Fucking working standup isn't my number one priority right now. 627 00:27:56,468 --> 00:27:58,804 Bullshit. You look like the type, bro. 628 00:27:58,837 --> 00:28:00,105 The fuck does that mean? 629 00:28:00,139 --> 00:28:01,540 That means that you a little bitch. 630 00:28:01,573 --> 00:28:03,075 Two minutes! 631 00:28:03,108 --> 00:28:05,577 Two fucking minutes, Devontae! 632 00:28:05,611 --> 00:28:06,812 Dave, I'm right here. 633 00:28:06,845 --> 00:28:08,748 I wasn't born yesterday, I know time seems 634 00:28:08,782 --> 00:28:10,916 to move a little bit slower when you're high. 635 00:28:10,949 --> 00:28:13,485 Yeah, that's right, two minutes! 636 00:28:13,519 --> 00:28:14,586 Why did you come here? 637 00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:17,556 To be a writer, actor, or a pussy? 638 00:28:17,589 --> 00:28:19,325 Because you're acting like a pussy. 639 00:28:19,358 --> 00:28:20,727 Actually, fucking comedy. 640 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,561 Bullshit, bro. What are you waiting for? 641 00:28:22,594 --> 00:28:24,196 Why don't you fucking try being homeless? 642 00:28:24,229 --> 00:28:27,299 Another excuse, bro. You're just like your van. 643 00:28:27,333 --> 00:28:30,770 You're fat, taking up space, useless... 644 00:28:30,804 --> 00:28:32,237 what the fuck are you doing? 645 00:28:32,271 --> 00:28:33,673 I mean, there's an open spot for this hour. 646 00:28:33,707 --> 00:28:35,140 Cool, why don't you fucking show me how then? 647 00:28:35,174 --> 00:28:36,909 You want me to fucking show you? 648 00:28:36,942 --> 00:28:38,778 - Fucking show me. - I got it. 649 00:28:38,812 --> 00:28:40,245 - Real easy. - Yeah? 650 00:28:40,279 --> 00:28:41,980 Yeah, real easy, real simple. 651 00:28:42,014 --> 00:28:43,683 - Just put in your name right there. - There? 652 00:28:43,717 --> 00:28:45,284 Yeah, right there. you just put your name... 653 00:28:45,317 --> 00:28:47,186 - And then give him the five bucks? - Yeah, that's it. 654 00:28:47,219 --> 00:28:48,954 All right, fuck it. 655 00:28:48,987 --> 00:28:50,422 - He's in. - That's cool. 656 00:28:50,456 --> 00:28:51,957 If you don't have cash, Venmo's cool too. 657 00:28:51,990 --> 00:28:53,459 Like, he'll take whatever, you know? 658 00:28:53,492 --> 00:28:54,828 Coming to this stage right now, 659 00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:57,863 doing his first-ever standup of his life! Yes! 660 00:28:57,896 --> 00:28:59,164 You know him, you love him, 661 00:28:59,198 --> 00:29:01,200 he's our very own Bomb Shelter mascot, 662 00:29:01,233 --> 00:29:04,637 Arnold, everybody! Get up here, Arnold. 663 00:29:04,671 --> 00:29:06,271 Oh, wow! 664 00:29:06,305 --> 00:29:11,009 Ellen Degenerates looks terrible in real life. Holy Christ! 665 00:29:12,746 --> 00:29:14,980 - Uh, I am Arnold. - Sup? 666 00:29:15,013 --> 00:29:17,950 I am the, uh... local van dweller. 667 00:29:17,983 --> 00:29:20,452 Um... 668 00:29:20,486 --> 00:29:21,721 Yeah. 669 00:29:22,521 --> 00:29:24,490 Uhhh... 670 00:29:27,660 --> 00:29:31,897 - I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Uh... - Yeah, we can tell. 671 00:29:31,930 --> 00:29:36,034 Yeah, which is dominantly white people. Um... 672 00:29:36,770 --> 00:29:38,638 There was, like in my high school, 673 00:29:38,671 --> 00:29:41,974 like a couple Asian guys and, like, one half Black person. 674 00:29:42,007 --> 00:29:43,208 They were a midget. 675 00:29:43,242 --> 00:29:45,645 - Cool, man. - Oh, great joke. 676 00:29:49,081 --> 00:29:51,917 When I moved to LA, uh... 677 00:29:51,950 --> 00:29:54,253 I moved to K-Town. Um... 678 00:29:55,254 --> 00:29:57,156 and every time I met someone, I would say, 679 00:29:57,189 --> 00:29:58,323 "Oh, where are you from?" 680 00:29:58,357 --> 00:30:00,159 And they'd say, "South Korea." 681 00:30:00,192 --> 00:30:03,262 I would say, "Is that the good one or the bad one?" 682 00:30:03,295 --> 00:30:06,231 - Swing and a miss. - Nice one, dude. 683 00:30:06,265 --> 00:30:10,502 Wow, this guy's just given up on life and he's not funny. 684 00:30:11,103 --> 00:30:13,505 So yeah. Uh... 685 00:30:13,539 --> 00:30:16,074 when I moved here, I moved here, uh, 686 00:30:16,108 --> 00:30:18,678 - to uh, Los Feliz. - Hot garbage fire. 687 00:30:18,711 --> 00:30:20,914 Where I met, um, a girl 688 00:30:20,979 --> 00:30:22,882 who was from Mexico and we... 689 00:30:22,916 --> 00:30:24,383 I bet you did, big guy. 690 00:30:24,416 --> 00:30:26,185 We started dating, and we moved in and I just... 691 00:30:26,218 --> 00:30:27,754 Yeah. Yeah. 692 00:30:27,787 --> 00:30:29,588 - I always assumed that... - Lived with the parents? 693 00:30:29,621 --> 00:30:32,257 - Yeah, you did... - That she would just wanna... 694 00:30:32,291 --> 00:30:35,360 Hey, Ron Weasley? Don't you have to go to fucking Hogwarts 695 00:30:35,394 --> 00:30:37,029 and shoot that shit up or something? 696 00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:39,799 - Fuck. - He lives! 697 00:30:39,833 --> 00:30:41,300 The guy lives! 698 00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,802 Surprisingly not horrible. 699 00:30:42,836 --> 00:30:45,971 Surprisingly not horrible, all right? 700 00:30:46,004 --> 00:30:48,540 Uh, everybody put your hands together for... 701 00:30:48,574 --> 00:30:50,910 the very funny, the very lovely Nelly Taskin, guys. 702 00:30:53,312 --> 00:30:55,414 Good evening, motherfuckers. 703 00:30:55,447 --> 00:30:57,650 I'm just so privileged to be here. 704 00:30:57,684 --> 00:31:00,419 Part of this all-male room, huh? 705 00:31:00,452 --> 00:31:02,655 No women at all. 706 00:31:03,322 --> 00:31:05,491 Listen, I know a lot of you in here, 707 00:31:05,524 --> 00:31:08,126 you hate women. And you think just 'cause I'm dumb enough 708 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,763 to hang out with you, I hate them too. 709 00:31:10,797 --> 00:31:13,733 Nah. No. I don't hate women. 710 00:31:14,868 --> 00:31:15,935 I just hate skinny women. 711 00:31:15,969 --> 00:31:17,837 - Oh! Ha haa! - Oww! 712 00:31:17,871 --> 00:31:19,906 Yep, thank you. 713 00:31:19,939 --> 00:31:21,006 And pretty women, all right? 714 00:31:21,039 --> 00:31:22,608 - Fuck off! - Fuck me! 715 00:31:22,642 --> 00:31:24,944 Oh, I left my key. Yeah, I did. I left it there. 716 00:31:24,978 --> 00:31:27,279 Yeah, can you bring it? Oh, you pullin' up right now? 717 00:31:27,312 --> 00:31:29,849 Oh, okay. I see you. All right, babe. 718 00:31:30,817 --> 00:31:33,018 You know, sometimes I hate how much of an asshole you are, 719 00:31:33,051 --> 00:31:35,788 but it feels so good knowing who really wears the pants. 720 00:31:38,056 --> 00:31:40,526 Shit, I'm the one who tells 721 00:31:40,559 --> 00:31:42,662 her when to sit and to pee, you know what I'm saying? 722 00:31:42,695 --> 00:31:43,830 - Ew. - Yeah, okay. 723 00:31:43,863 --> 00:31:45,364 - Huh? - You heard me. 724 00:31:45,397 --> 00:31:47,000 That's another weird thing to say. 725 00:31:47,032 --> 00:31:48,500 Hey sweetie! 726 00:31:48,534 --> 00:31:50,637 - Hey, Katherine. - Hey, Kat. 727 00:31:50,670 --> 00:31:52,972 Hi losers. Haven't seen you guys in what, two days? 728 00:31:53,006 --> 00:31:54,674 We're going to Oyster Lounge. You comin'? 729 00:31:54,707 --> 00:31:56,676 Mmm, no thanks. As much fun as it actually sounds 730 00:31:56,709 --> 00:31:58,811 I would rather not watch you talk trash about me on stage. 731 00:31:58,845 --> 00:32:00,546 You should be used to it by now. 732 00:32:00,579 --> 00:32:01,748 No. 733 00:32:03,816 --> 00:32:05,350 Aw, that was cute. 734 00:32:06,251 --> 00:32:07,787 One minute. 735 00:32:07,820 --> 00:32:09,856 If you're the first black guy somebody meets, 736 00:32:09,889 --> 00:32:11,390 they're definitely gonna be racist. 737 00:32:11,423 --> 00:32:13,993 You literally check off all the boxes, my friend. 738 00:32:14,027 --> 00:32:17,062 Well, at least my boxes gettin' checked. 739 00:32:18,031 --> 00:32:19,197 I hope that's not part of your act. 740 00:32:19,231 --> 00:32:20,599 - It might be. - That's not funny. 741 00:32:22,669 --> 00:32:24,971 - That was kind of funny. - Are you hungry? 742 00:32:25,004 --> 00:32:26,973 Well, thinking about grabbing some food from 7-Eleven. 743 00:32:27,006 --> 00:32:28,407 Ah, no. Negative. 744 00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,977 Let's eat some real food at Oyster Lounge. 745 00:32:31,010 --> 00:32:32,912 There, you could see a real show. 746 00:32:32,946 --> 00:32:35,480 Can I just change, or? 747 00:32:35,514 --> 00:32:37,650 ♪ Yeah, we fuckin' in the van Tonight ♪ 748 00:32:37,684 --> 00:32:40,753 ♪ Ooh yeah, mm-hm, yeah ♪ 749 00:32:40,787 --> 00:32:42,722 Hey, would you guys keep it down out here? 750 00:32:42,755 --> 00:32:45,758 Amir! What the fuck... Why? 751 00:32:45,792 --> 00:32:48,061 - Why? - Ooh, I serenade these hoes, baby! 752 00:32:48,093 --> 00:32:49,662 Dave, I had nothing to do with this. 753 00:32:49,696 --> 00:32:51,396 ♪ Arnold got everything To do with this ♪ 754 00:32:51,430 --> 00:32:52,765 Please don't take it out on me. 755 00:32:52,799 --> 00:32:54,867 ♪ I'ma take it out On you baby ♪ 756 00:32:54,901 --> 00:32:56,268 - What's wrong with you? - Come on, man. 757 00:32:56,301 --> 00:32:57,536 Don't light no candles in there. 758 00:32:57,569 --> 00:32:59,271 ♪ Won't you put on something Sexy ♪ 759 00:32:59,304 --> 00:33:02,407 ♪ Instead of that stupid-ass White shirt ♪ 760 00:33:02,441 --> 00:33:04,711 ♪ Hey girl, where you goin' ♪ 761 00:33:04,744 --> 00:33:07,747 ♪ Don't you want some Amiracle? Yeah ♪ 762 00:33:07,780 --> 00:33:12,618 ♪ That hoodie too Baggy on you, yeah ♪ 763 00:33:12,652 --> 00:33:14,219 ♪ Show a brother Some curves ♪ 764 00:33:14,252 --> 00:33:17,924 ♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah, Mm-mm, woo ♪ 765 00:33:22,762 --> 00:33:24,296 Smells great in here, doesn't it? 766 00:33:24,329 --> 00:33:25,898 Yeah, it's 'cause I farted. 767 00:33:25,932 --> 00:33:28,034 Takes a bit of strategy to get the room back. 768 00:33:28,067 --> 00:33:29,401 - Really? - Yeah. 769 00:33:29,434 --> 00:33:31,370 I feel like I did that today, didn't I? 770 00:33:31,403 --> 00:33:33,072 - I felt like I was okay. - Okay, relax. 771 00:33:33,106 --> 00:33:34,774 - Getting laughs your first time - No, you were trash. 772 00:33:34,807 --> 00:33:35,942 happens a lot more than you think. 773 00:33:35,975 --> 00:33:37,877 Try doing that 1000 times more. 774 00:33:37,910 --> 00:33:39,812 First time I went up, I actually slaughtered. 775 00:33:39,846 --> 00:33:41,748 I was feeling good and all that shit too, you know? 776 00:33:41,781 --> 00:33:43,883 But next five times I go up? 777 00:33:43,916 --> 00:33:45,985 Bro, I ate dick after dick for weeks, yo. 778 00:33:46,019 --> 00:33:48,988 Yup, them king-sized dicks, you know... 779 00:33:49,022 --> 00:33:51,423 Hey, wait. Hold up, they weren't no king-sized dicks. 780 00:33:51,456 --> 00:33:53,225 I got some laughs, okay? 781 00:33:53,258 --> 00:33:55,762 They was like... like Kyle-sized dicks. 782 00:33:55,795 --> 00:33:58,064 Burn! 783 00:34:01,433 --> 00:34:03,102 Who the fuck is gonna follow that? 784 00:34:03,136 --> 00:34:04,603 You? You? You? 785 00:34:04,637 --> 00:34:06,105 - Bro... - You're not very good. 786 00:34:06,139 --> 00:34:07,774 Bro, you couldn't follow my B material. 787 00:34:07,807 --> 00:34:09,441 The waitress could follow your material, Kyle. 788 00:34:09,474 --> 00:34:10,810 You're garbage. 789 00:34:10,843 --> 00:34:12,845 Wait. Amir, did we miss your set? 790 00:34:12,879 --> 00:34:14,446 Amir is headlining. 791 00:34:14,479 --> 00:34:16,448 You think 'cause I hang out with your van-dwelling ass, 792 00:34:16,481 --> 00:34:17,950 I don't run shit? 793 00:34:17,984 --> 00:34:19,752 You don't run shit, Amir. 794 00:34:19,786 --> 00:34:22,621 - Not here, and definitely not at home. - That's facts. 795 00:34:22,655 --> 00:34:25,692 You know what we call a turtle, in Londers, bruv? 796 00:34:25,725 --> 00:34:27,292 You know what we call a turtle there? 797 00:34:27,325 --> 00:34:30,129 We... We call it a hardback. 798 00:34:30,163 --> 00:34:31,430 Jesus. 799 00:34:32,131 --> 00:34:33,398 - Thank you. - Thank you. 800 00:34:34,634 --> 00:34:36,468 Hey, I got to go see a girl about that butt, 801 00:34:36,501 --> 00:34:38,004 you know what I'm saying? 802 00:34:38,037 --> 00:34:41,473 Hey, yo. Hold my shit, Goldie Locks. 803 00:34:41,506 --> 00:34:45,210 Hey! Don't you want Amiracle, baby? 804 00:34:46,478 --> 00:34:48,848 Man, that dude has no game. 805 00:34:48,881 --> 00:34:50,817 Wait, does he really cheat on his wife? 806 00:34:50,850 --> 00:34:52,551 - No. - He tries, he fails. 807 00:34:52,584 --> 00:34:54,187 Dude, he's so lame... 808 00:34:54,219 --> 00:34:56,989 He be getting banned for that shit. From all the clubs. 809 00:34:57,023 --> 00:34:59,025 - Wow. - Yeah, clubs you can't book. 810 00:34:59,058 --> 00:35:01,894 Hey, my potential is like... unlimited. 811 00:35:01,928 --> 00:35:03,395 - What are you talking about? - It's totally true. 812 00:35:03,428 --> 00:35:05,031 You know what's not good? That's shirt he's wearing. 813 00:35:05,064 --> 00:35:06,231 - Yeah, that shirt sucks. - It's terrible. 814 00:35:06,264 --> 00:35:07,734 It's not a good shirt. 815 00:35:07,767 --> 00:35:09,736 Who picked... Who picked that for you? 816 00:35:09,769 --> 00:35:11,303 Did you pick that out? 817 00:35:11,336 --> 00:35:13,706 Did you honestly go to Ross and looked at the shirts 818 00:35:13,740 --> 00:35:15,742 and were like, "This is the one"? 819 00:35:15,775 --> 00:35:17,744 I actually got this at a Kmart back home. 820 00:35:17,777 --> 00:35:19,846 Nah, I think he to his mother's house 821 00:35:19,879 --> 00:35:22,148 and got the tablecloth and cut that son of a bitch up, huh? 822 00:35:22,181 --> 00:35:23,916 - Yeah, that's what he did. - I'm sorry dude. 823 00:35:23,950 --> 00:35:25,383 Why can't you be mean and funny? 824 00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:27,754 - You're just mean. - Yeah, you are just mean. 825 00:35:27,787 --> 00:35:30,555 Why can't you be skinny? 826 00:35:52,310 --> 00:35:53,512 Ah. 827 00:35:54,113 --> 00:35:56,348 The last two tenants were heavy hitters. 828 00:35:56,381 --> 00:35:58,251 I'm not sure this is a good location for you. 829 00:35:58,283 --> 00:36:01,620 I mean, I have clients who own casinos who want this space. 830 00:36:01,654 --> 00:36:04,090 Cyrus, if I'm so unqualified, 831 00:36:04,123 --> 00:36:05,792 then why'd you even call me down here? 832 00:36:05,825 --> 00:36:07,126 Look, if I wanted to sell the space, 833 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:09,061 I could do it like this today. 834 00:36:09,095 --> 00:36:10,763 I just want you to show me that you can run 835 00:36:10,797 --> 00:36:12,732 an establishment that is respectable. 836 00:36:12,765 --> 00:36:14,700 Bomb Shelter's very respectable. 837 00:36:15,735 --> 00:36:17,937 Really? Have you looked at it? 838 00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:20,773 Now imagine that on the Sunset Strip. 839 00:36:20,807 --> 00:36:22,208 Every time I drive by your place, 840 00:36:22,241 --> 00:36:23,810 I feel like I need a shower. 841 00:36:23,843 --> 00:36:26,145 Goddamn, the last thing LA needs is another comedy club. 842 00:36:26,179 --> 00:36:28,815 Man, I'm reinventing the open mic business. 843 00:36:28,848 --> 00:36:30,549 Yes, you have. And at $5 a pop, 844 00:36:30,582 --> 00:36:32,151 you are Elon Musk of the valley. 845 00:36:32,185 --> 00:36:34,253 Look, look, I'm making money, all right? 846 00:36:34,287 --> 00:36:36,722 $300 a day, David. 847 00:36:36,756 --> 00:36:39,292 Look, it'll be more when I have a bigger space. 848 00:36:39,324 --> 00:36:41,426 And look, no overhead, no liquor license, 849 00:36:41,459 --> 00:36:44,130 no health department, it's a low headache for you. 850 00:36:44,163 --> 00:36:46,098 It's a good business. 851 00:36:46,132 --> 00:36:48,000 Okay, fair enough. I believe you. 852 00:36:48,034 --> 00:36:50,269 But don't tell me this. Show it to me. 853 00:36:50,303 --> 00:36:52,772 My God, enough of the ISIS Yoda bullshit. 854 00:36:52,805 --> 00:36:54,439 What are you trying to say? 855 00:36:54,472 --> 00:36:56,108 I'm saying clean it the fuck up. 856 00:36:56,142 --> 00:36:57,777 The place looks like a disaster zone. 857 00:36:57,810 --> 00:36:59,178 All right, all right, all right. I'll do it. 858 00:36:59,212 --> 00:37:00,512 I'll clean... I'll clean it up. 859 00:37:00,545 --> 00:37:02,682 But will you promise to come do a set 860 00:37:02,715 --> 00:37:04,283 in a few weeks to see it? 861 00:37:04,317 --> 00:37:06,118 I know it's been awhile, but will you come do a set? 862 00:37:06,152 --> 00:37:07,854 Yeah, I haven't done a standup in years, but I... 863 00:37:07,887 --> 00:37:09,989 - A few weeks, okay. - I will come. 864 00:37:10,022 --> 00:37:11,858 If you come to the set, I'll do what you say. 865 00:37:11,891 --> 00:37:14,160 I will clean it up, I'll do the whole thing. 866 00:37:14,193 --> 00:37:15,594 - Okay. - Look, I've known you for ten years, 867 00:37:15,628 --> 00:37:17,296 I will... I owe you that much, so I will come. 868 00:37:17,330 --> 00:37:18,530 Okay, thank you. 869 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,536 - Thank you. - Thank you, Cyrus, for your big fucking table. 870 00:37:33,045 --> 00:37:35,081 I'm going to get some food, do you want anything? 871 00:37:35,614 --> 00:37:36,749 Um... 872 00:37:38,684 --> 00:37:40,186 I'm not much of a morning eater. 873 00:37:40,219 --> 00:37:43,155 - That's hard to believe. - Ow. 874 00:37:43,189 --> 00:37:46,558 Dude, I've got some AC inside, come in and cool off. 875 00:37:47,193 --> 00:37:48,895 I gotta handle some stuff first. 876 00:37:48,928 --> 00:37:51,297 What the fuck are you doing? 877 00:37:51,330 --> 00:37:55,201 Some fucking hot yoga? For Christ's sake! 878 00:37:55,234 --> 00:37:58,905 Get your fucking ass inside! 879 00:37:58,938 --> 00:38:00,505 Okay. 880 00:38:00,538 --> 00:38:03,075 You're no good to me if you're dead on my lot. Go! 881 00:38:03,109 --> 00:38:05,978 All right. Thank you. Stop. 882 00:38:08,981 --> 00:38:11,483 Please don't ever fucking put your finger in my belly button again. 883 00:38:11,516 --> 00:38:13,286 - Suck my balls! - Right. 884 00:38:15,021 --> 00:38:18,190 ♪ Oh, man that was hilarious ♪ 885 00:38:18,224 --> 00:38:20,192 ♪ You're really funny, I like That, I like that a lot ♪ 886 00:38:20,226 --> 00:38:23,195 ♪ Here's the thing, I do have some notes ♪ 887 00:38:23,229 --> 00:38:25,798 ♪ I do have some notes, Okay here... ♪ 888 00:38:25,831 --> 00:38:30,303 ♪ You don't know me but I Think you're funny and, uh ♪ 889 00:38:30,336 --> 00:38:33,272 ♪ If you saw me go up next ♪ 890 00:38:33,306 --> 00:38:35,775 ♪ Well, you'd see I'm funny too and ♪ 891 00:38:35,808 --> 00:38:40,246 ♪ Together me and you Combined, I think ♪ 892 00:38:40,612 --> 00:38:42,281 God! 893 00:38:42,315 --> 00:38:46,018 ♪ 'Cause together I think That we could be funny too ♪ 894 00:38:46,052 --> 00:38:48,586 ♪ You don't know me But I think ♪ 895 00:38:48,620 --> 00:38:50,890 ♪ That we can have potential Well, more than we ♪ 896 00:38:50,923 --> 00:38:52,758 ♪ I think our funny Could have potential ♪ 897 00:38:52,792 --> 00:38:54,226 ♪ And it would be a Funny thing 'cause ♪ 898 00:38:54,260 --> 00:38:55,861 ♪ We could be funny too ♪ 899 00:38:55,895 --> 00:38:58,331 ♪ And, if you and I combined Our funny together ♪ 900 00:38:58,364 --> 00:39:00,733 ♪ It could be a whole Explosion of funny ♪ 901 00:39:00,766 --> 00:39:04,003 ♪ Do you know how much Funny that is man? ♪ 902 00:39:04,036 --> 00:39:05,838 ♪ We could be funny too ♪ 903 00:39:05,871 --> 00:39:09,607 ♪ You don't know me but I think you're funny ♪ 904 00:39:09,642 --> 00:39:12,510 ♪ And if you saw my funny ♪ 905 00:39:12,544 --> 00:39:15,247 ♪ Together with you ♪ 906 00:39:15,281 --> 00:39:16,849 ♪ I just wanted to say That I don't know ♪ 907 00:39:16,882 --> 00:39:19,085 ♪ Me and you can combine Our funnies into one ♪ 908 00:39:19,118 --> 00:39:20,419 ♪ Did I say that already? ♪ 909 00:39:20,453 --> 00:39:24,056 ♪ Well, uh ♪ 910 00:39:24,090 --> 00:39:27,193 ♪ We could be funny too ♪ 911 00:39:29,362 --> 00:39:33,699 Oh, my God. 912 00:39:34,433 --> 00:39:36,736 - There he is. You're go... - What's happening? 913 00:39:36,769 --> 00:39:39,338 I'm, well, I'm good. You're going up again tonight? 914 00:39:39,372 --> 00:39:40,773 Yeah, well, when you got a hot hand, 915 00:39:40,806 --> 00:39:43,242 - you gotta keep playin' it. - Very good. 916 00:39:43,275 --> 00:39:44,310 Play on, player. 917 00:39:44,343 --> 00:39:45,411 - Yo, Arnold? - What? 918 00:39:45,444 --> 00:39:48,014 - Five dollars, man. - Oh. Here. 919 00:39:48,047 --> 00:39:51,183 Oh yeah. That's probably gonna be an omen. 920 00:39:51,217 --> 00:39:52,852 - Give me this. - All right. 921 00:39:52,885 --> 00:39:56,022 Yeah, so the first person I met in K-Town, 922 00:39:56,055 --> 00:39:57,189 I was like, "Oh, where you from?" 923 00:39:57,223 --> 00:39:58,924 They were like, "Oh, South Korea." 924 00:39:58,958 --> 00:40:01,526 I was like, "Oh, is that the good or the bad one?" 925 00:40:04,463 --> 00:40:05,998 That was beautiful. that was just about 926 00:40:06,032 --> 00:40:07,933 - as good as it gets. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 927 00:40:07,967 --> 00:40:09,668 Just put me up next. 928 00:40:09,702 --> 00:40:11,170 Where's all this money coming from? 929 00:40:11,203 --> 00:40:12,537 Just put me up. 930 00:40:12,570 --> 00:40:15,341 Yeah, anyway, I live in the van next door. 931 00:40:15,374 --> 00:40:19,278 And if the van's ever a'rockin', don't come a'knockin' 932 00:40:19,311 --> 00:40:22,448 'cause it's just me naked masturbating. 933 00:40:22,481 --> 00:40:24,450 Uh, okay. Yeah, anyway, that's my time. 934 00:40:27,420 --> 00:40:28,821 Jesus. 935 00:40:28,854 --> 00:40:30,723 You got gambling debts or something? 936 00:40:30,756 --> 00:40:33,558 The mic's not gonna suck your wiener, Arnold! 937 00:40:34,427 --> 00:40:35,861 It's a lot like your girlfriend in that way. 938 00:40:35,895 --> 00:40:37,263 Yeah, thanks, man. 939 00:40:38,596 --> 00:40:42,134 Yeah, so I moved in with this girl from Mexico 940 00:40:42,168 --> 00:40:45,371 and I'm not sure if this makes me racist or just stupid, 941 00:40:45,404 --> 00:40:47,473 but I assumed that she would just wanna cook 942 00:40:47,506 --> 00:40:49,875 and clean for fun. Um... 943 00:40:51,944 --> 00:40:53,079 Uh... 944 00:40:53,879 --> 00:40:58,250 Yeah, uh, fuck it. That's my time, and fuck relationships. 945 00:40:58,284 --> 00:41:00,920 - Whew! All right, gettin' outta here, big guy. - All right. 946 00:41:00,953 --> 00:41:02,822 - Enjoy that pizza. - Thank you. 947 00:41:02,855 --> 00:41:04,757 It's the healthiest thing you've eaten all day, you piece of shit. 948 00:41:04,790 --> 00:41:08,360 Speaking of terrible. Big guy, wow! 949 00:41:08,394 --> 00:41:10,362 Boy, that was a hard bomb. 950 00:41:10,396 --> 00:41:12,498 I think it might be time to think about gettin' 951 00:41:12,531 --> 00:41:15,401 into real estate. What do you think, big guy? Huh? 952 00:41:15,434 --> 00:41:17,536 It was so bad that it was actually good. 953 00:41:17,570 --> 00:41:20,005 You should probably film that and pitch it to Netflix. 954 00:41:20,039 --> 00:41:23,275 'Cause it would be unique and original content. 955 00:41:23,309 --> 00:41:27,079 Wow, I've never seen anybody bomb 956 00:41:27,113 --> 00:41:28,948 that many times in a row. 957 00:41:28,981 --> 00:41:31,050 That was... That was... That was hard to watch. 958 00:41:31,083 --> 00:41:34,053 - Yeah. - Bro, I need a drink for you. 959 00:41:34,086 --> 00:41:36,589 - You know, I need to forget this shit. - Mm-hm. 960 00:41:36,621 --> 00:41:38,090 Shit was terrible. 961 00:41:38,124 --> 00:41:39,592 Yeah. 962 00:41:39,624 --> 00:41:40,960 Like bad. 963 00:41:40,993 --> 00:41:43,095 I need to black out after watching that. 964 00:41:43,129 --> 00:41:44,597 You learned something out of this. 965 00:41:44,630 --> 00:41:45,798 Yeah. 966 00:41:45,831 --> 00:41:47,867 Well, I think you did. And that is? 967 00:41:47,900 --> 00:41:50,369 - And that is? - What, what is it? 968 00:41:50,402 --> 00:41:52,404 - And that is? I'm just kidding. - Oh my God. 969 00:41:52,438 --> 00:41:56,442 Look, and that is to never do that shit again. Ever. 970 00:41:56,475 --> 00:41:57,977 Or you're gonna end up like this guy. 971 00:42:00,513 --> 00:42:02,815 Funny. Very funny. 972 00:42:02,848 --> 00:42:04,383 Fucking definitely don't want that. 973 00:42:04,416 --> 00:42:06,485 I'd rather live in a van for the rest of my fucking life. 974 00:42:06,519 --> 00:42:09,455 Do you even pay for that parking spot? 975 00:42:09,488 --> 00:42:13,159 My car is fucking broken down, man. I... 976 00:42:13,192 --> 00:42:15,427 No, I don't fucking pay for it, man. 977 00:42:15,461 --> 00:42:17,129 - His car's broken down... - Fuck, man! 978 00:42:17,163 --> 00:42:18,297 Now you're gonna break his spirit. 979 00:42:18,330 --> 00:42:19,598 What's wrong with you? 980 00:42:19,633 --> 00:42:23,302 Bro, he broke my spirit by me sitting there. 981 00:42:23,335 --> 00:42:25,437 That shit broke me. 982 00:42:25,471 --> 00:42:28,841 One person's trash is another person's treasure. 983 00:42:28,874 --> 00:42:31,343 Somebody probably found that funny. 984 00:42:31,377 --> 00:42:33,679 You know what the problem is? You're nobody's treasure. 985 00:42:33,712 --> 00:42:36,348 It's all good, I'm used to people being jealous of me. 986 00:42:36,382 --> 00:42:37,850 Jealous of what? 987 00:42:37,883 --> 00:42:39,285 Dude, I see what you've done with the place 988 00:42:39,318 --> 00:42:40,619 and I like it, man! 989 00:42:40,654 --> 00:42:42,521 Allegiance, ambition! 990 00:42:42,555 --> 00:42:46,358 Tell you what. Um, you know, while you're trying to figure out... 991 00:42:46,392 --> 00:42:48,494 Whatever the hell it is you're trying to figure out here. 992 00:42:48,527 --> 00:42:50,863 I was thinking maybe you could host some mics for me. 993 00:42:50,896 --> 00:42:52,932 I live in a van, dude. I should probably get a real job. 994 00:42:52,965 --> 00:42:54,800 Real job? What the fuck? 995 00:42:54,833 --> 00:42:57,970 You know how many comedians would kill to host this mic? 996 00:42:58,003 --> 00:43:00,172 - A couple? - Yeah. No! 997 00:43:00,206 --> 00:43:02,308 Like a lot. Like thousands of them. 998 00:43:02,341 --> 00:43:05,377 What do you think, that I can like pay my bills 999 00:43:05,411 --> 00:43:08,047 with the money I make at the gig from the skinny? 1000 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:10,316 No, look, we all gotta work, bro. 1001 00:43:10,349 --> 00:43:13,552 Nelly works in an office, Dante owns his own shop. 1002 00:43:13,586 --> 00:43:14,987 - Dante? - Yes. 1003 00:43:15,020 --> 00:43:16,656 Tokyo Drift Dante? 1004 00:43:16,690 --> 00:43:17,957 The very Tok... Yes. 1005 00:43:17,990 --> 00:43:19,325 General Tso's Dante? 1006 00:43:19,358 --> 00:43:22,294 The fat Asian catfish, Dante. Yes. 1007 00:43:22,328 --> 00:43:24,797 - Dante who ate the bat, Dante. - Patient zero, yes. 1008 00:43:24,830 --> 00:43:27,634 Oh my God. I thought he made a fucking living off of comedy. 1009 00:43:27,667 --> 00:43:30,035 Well he does, but he also has a wife and a kid 1010 00:43:30,069 --> 00:43:32,137 and how stupid would he be to put all of his eggs 1011 00:43:32,171 --> 00:43:34,073 in a basket as frail as standup comedy, okay? 1012 00:43:34,106 --> 00:43:35,975 - Wow. - All right, yeah man, we all gotta work. 1013 00:43:36,008 --> 00:43:37,409 It's the way it is. 1014 00:43:37,443 --> 00:43:40,012 You know, nobody's... Chris Rock after one month. 1015 00:43:40,045 --> 00:43:42,481 So, you know, call some names. 1016 00:43:43,782 --> 00:43:46,485 Take the money, and you'll be rich in no time. 1017 00:43:48,053 --> 00:43:49,255 - Okay, all right. - Yes! 1018 00:43:49,288 --> 00:43:51,557 I'll do it under one condition. 1019 00:43:51,590 --> 00:43:53,025 I'm not doing any fucking standup. 1020 00:43:53,058 --> 00:43:55,427 Oh my God, and you'd be doing us all a favor. 1021 00:43:55,461 --> 00:43:56,929 - All right, very nice. - Wow, thanks. 1022 00:43:56,962 --> 00:43:59,531 - All right, can I go to my home now? - Don't get lost. 1023 00:43:59,565 --> 00:44:00,734 Thanks, man. 1024 00:44:54,286 --> 00:44:56,790 Bomb Shelter, this is Arnold. 1025 00:44:56,822 --> 00:44:58,658 Hi, is Dave available? 1026 00:44:58,692 --> 00:45:00,993 Uh, yeah, no. Dave won't be in until later tonight. 1027 00:45:01,026 --> 00:45:02,729 Can I, uh, take a message? 1028 00:45:02,762 --> 00:45:05,799 Yes, actually. This is his ex, Sabrina... 1029 00:45:05,831 --> 00:45:08,802 - Oh. Hi. And he's been ignoring my calls for weeks. 1030 00:45:08,834 --> 00:45:10,670 - Um, I need you to tell him that I'm moving soon - Yeah. 1031 00:45:10,704 --> 00:45:12,471 and I have a bunch of his stuff in storage 1032 00:45:12,504 --> 00:45:14,273 that he refuses to pick up. 1033 00:45:14,306 --> 00:45:17,576 I think this is kind of above my pay grade, lady. Uh, you... 1034 00:45:17,609 --> 00:45:19,311 Tell him to call me and pick it up. 1035 00:45:19,345 --> 00:45:22,448 If he doesn't get it before I move, I'm throwing it away. 1036 00:45:22,481 --> 00:45:23,849 Uhhh... 1037 00:45:24,684 --> 00:45:26,720 Uh, ye... Uh, okay. 1038 00:45:26,753 --> 00:45:28,688 - Oh, wait. - Yes? 1039 00:45:28,722 --> 00:45:30,856 If he doesn't grab it, can I have his stuff? 1040 00:45:32,991 --> 00:45:34,193 Hello? 1041 00:45:35,361 --> 00:45:37,196 What's the perks of living in a van? 1042 00:45:37,229 --> 00:45:39,031 Oh, low rent. 1043 00:45:39,064 --> 00:45:41,433 That's fucking funny, you stupid fuck! 1044 00:45:42,401 --> 00:45:44,436 You fucking idiot. 1045 00:45:45,404 --> 00:45:48,440 Van. How many fucking fat-boy-van-fucking 1046 00:45:48,474 --> 00:45:50,710 jokes can I fucking do? 1047 00:45:50,744 --> 00:45:53,112 Nothing, you fucking loser! 1048 00:45:53,145 --> 00:45:56,915 Your parents hate you, you're a fucking loser. 1049 00:46:13,532 --> 00:46:14,701 Yo. 1050 00:46:14,734 --> 00:46:15,901 Hey, guys. 1051 00:46:15,934 --> 00:46:17,603 - Hey. - Hey, wow. Um... 1052 00:46:18,337 --> 00:46:20,105 why you so serious, bro? 1053 00:46:21,273 --> 00:46:22,709 Your rent go up? 1054 00:46:22,742 --> 00:46:24,744 I'd always worn out my fucking welcome 1055 00:46:24,778 --> 00:46:26,311 everywhere I've ever been. 1056 00:46:26,345 --> 00:46:28,882 Family, friends, girlfriend. 1057 00:46:28,914 --> 00:46:33,385 And it wasn't until I got on this fucking stage 1058 00:46:33,419 --> 00:46:37,423 here of all fucking places that I actually felt like I was home. 1059 00:46:37,456 --> 00:46:38,725 So, uh... 1060 00:46:39,759 --> 00:46:43,162 The stage... feels like a van? 1061 00:46:45,899 --> 00:46:47,867 Yeah. Yeah, it fucking does. 1062 00:46:47,901 --> 00:46:50,169 All right... I've had enough of story time. 1063 00:46:50,202 --> 00:46:52,171 Someone else story time. 1064 00:46:52,204 --> 00:46:54,741 Let's go. All right, bring it up for your next guest. 1065 00:46:54,774 --> 00:46:56,074 - I will... - Fuck you. Fuck you. 1066 00:46:56,108 --> 00:46:57,409 I will gladly follow that. 1067 00:46:57,443 --> 00:46:59,879 We love you. Not. 1068 00:46:59,913 --> 00:47:01,681 That was... That was beautiful. 1069 00:47:10,255 --> 00:47:13,091 Uh... Damn! No, my bad. 1070 00:47:13,125 --> 00:47:14,694 You know I was just playing with you, bro. 1071 00:47:14,727 --> 00:47:16,763 It's like... I... feel you on that shit. 1072 00:47:16,796 --> 00:47:19,264 This, the life of a comedian... 1073 00:47:19,298 --> 00:47:21,400 ain't that motherfucking funny. 1074 00:47:23,502 --> 00:47:27,206 And then you get that... I don't... 1075 00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:31,276 chance to make someone... laugh. 1076 00:47:31,310 --> 00:47:35,614 That shit... that shit is addicting, and then you just 1077 00:47:35,648 --> 00:47:38,217 kinda continue to chase that high. 1078 00:47:38,250 --> 00:47:39,652 Are you high right now? 1079 00:47:39,686 --> 00:47:41,320 - Okay. - Get off stage. 1080 00:47:41,353 --> 00:47:44,623 - Story time's over. Thank you. - Thank you, Dr. Devontae. 1081 00:47:44,657 --> 00:47:46,058 That's enough. 1082 00:47:49,261 --> 00:47:52,832 All right, tell us why you are sad. 1083 00:47:52,866 --> 00:47:55,300 Oh wait, and why you don't like girls that are hotter than you. 1084 00:47:55,334 --> 00:47:57,770 Okay, first, that's impossible 1085 00:47:57,804 --> 00:48:00,172 'cause ain't nobody hotter than me. All right? 1086 00:48:00,205 --> 00:48:02,574 Second, I'm not sad. 1087 00:48:02,608 --> 00:48:06,345 LA girls just remind me of my dance team back in college. 1088 00:48:06,378 --> 00:48:08,781 Yes, I came here from Brooklyn to dance. 1089 00:48:08,815 --> 00:48:11,450 You were a fucking dancer? Like a real girl? 1090 00:48:11,483 --> 00:48:13,853 Yeah. I didn't always look like a plumber 1091 00:48:13,887 --> 00:48:15,354 from the Great Depression. 1092 00:48:15,387 --> 00:48:17,022 I'm actually hot shit. 1093 00:48:17,055 --> 00:48:18,758 - Yeah, you are. - Steamin' shit. 1094 00:48:18,791 --> 00:48:20,827 Man, it was just a culture shock. 1095 00:48:20,860 --> 00:48:24,329 Everybody here is a model or an actress, 1096 00:48:24,363 --> 00:48:27,299 or some type of fucking special. 1097 00:48:27,332 --> 00:48:31,503 I didn't look like Barbie, but I could dance. 1098 00:48:31,537 --> 00:48:34,540 And I was really close with my team too. 1099 00:48:34,573 --> 00:48:37,844 Until our senior showcase. Our costumes came in 1100 00:48:37,877 --> 00:48:41,014 and mine wouldn't even stretch up past my knees. 1101 00:48:41,046 --> 00:48:42,782 Some of these bitches got together 1102 00:48:42,815 --> 00:48:45,484 and they changed my measurements as a fucked-up prank. 1103 00:48:45,517 --> 00:48:47,119 - Oh my God. - I see, yo. That's... 1104 00:48:47,152 --> 00:48:50,122 Right, so no costume and no choice 1105 00:48:50,155 --> 00:48:52,558 but to back out of the show. 1106 00:48:52,591 --> 00:48:54,961 Now I just feel like every bitch out here is someone 1107 00:48:54,994 --> 00:48:57,730 from my team pretending to be nice to me. 1108 00:48:58,831 --> 00:49:00,198 That's it, that's my story. 1109 00:49:00,232 --> 00:49:01,400 Fuck. 1110 00:49:01,433 --> 00:49:02,902 Yo, that's actually... that's sad. 1111 00:49:02,936 --> 00:49:04,904 That's as sad as Arnold being too scared 1112 00:49:04,938 --> 00:49:06,138 to get back on the stage. 1113 00:49:06,171 --> 00:49:07,674 That's... You're probably more sad though. 1114 00:49:07,707 --> 00:49:09,174 Probably more sad than her story about 1115 00:49:09,207 --> 00:49:10,710 - the girls attacking her. - Way more sad. 1116 00:49:10,743 --> 00:49:12,679 There's only so many fucking jokes I could write 1117 00:49:12,712 --> 00:49:14,413 about living in a fucking van. 1118 00:49:14,446 --> 00:49:16,281 Arnold, you're heartbroken. 1119 00:49:16,315 --> 00:49:18,751 And you live by a fucking dumpster. 1120 00:49:18,785 --> 00:49:20,653 I would give anything to have 1121 00:49:20,687 --> 00:49:22,755 that fresh hurt again, all right? 1122 00:49:22,789 --> 00:49:25,725 So how do you turn fresh hurt into a joke? 1123 00:49:25,758 --> 00:49:27,125 You have to. 1124 00:49:27,894 --> 00:49:29,394 It's how we survive. 1125 00:49:29,428 --> 00:49:31,698 No, I mean how do you actually... 1126 00:49:31,731 --> 00:49:34,399 write it? But... 1127 00:49:34,433 --> 00:49:35,935 - Damn, that was fucking... - That was on point. 1128 00:49:35,969 --> 00:49:37,904 - That was deep. - Right? 1129 00:49:37,937 --> 00:49:40,572 Just gotta grow a pair and face your shame. 1130 00:49:42,140 --> 00:49:44,109 Listen, if you don't go up on that stage again, 1131 00:49:44,142 --> 00:49:46,178 everything your parents, 1132 00:49:46,211 --> 00:49:50,482 or your ex ever said about you is true. 1133 00:49:56,421 --> 00:49:58,457 Let's uh, let's get the next comic up. 1134 00:49:58,490 --> 00:50:01,094 It's gonna be um... Just Kyle. 1135 00:50:01,126 --> 00:50:03,863 you know what? Fuck Just Kyle. I actually got some shit to say tonight. 1136 00:50:03,896 --> 00:50:05,031 I think back to the first day 1137 00:50:05,064 --> 00:50:06,966 that I got my first porno mag. 1138 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,969 I'm from Ohio, there's just... open nothing everywhere. 1139 00:50:10,003 --> 00:50:11,470 So I run three miles in the back 1140 00:50:11,503 --> 00:50:14,239 and I found a spot by a tree, I was like... 1141 00:50:14,272 --> 00:50:16,208 Yo Arnold, I need to holler at you for a second. 1142 00:50:16,241 --> 00:50:19,045 Yo, Amir. Meet me in my office, dude. 1143 00:50:20,245 --> 00:50:21,446 The dumpster? 1144 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,215 You want me to meet you at the dumpster? 1145 00:50:25,584 --> 00:50:28,320 Hey! Knock, knock, motherfucker. 1146 00:50:28,353 --> 00:50:30,322 Your office is locked. 1147 00:50:30,355 --> 00:50:31,490 Wrap it up, man. 1148 00:50:31,523 --> 00:50:32,992 Fuck, dude, what? 1149 00:50:33,026 --> 00:50:36,129 Hey, my band's kinda tied up doing other stuff. 1150 00:50:36,161 --> 00:50:38,798 I could really use a roadie for my show tomorrow. 1151 00:50:38,831 --> 00:50:41,233 - I'm auditioning for this guy. - Yeah, that sounds really cool. 1152 00:50:41,266 --> 00:50:43,069 But why can't you fucking ask one of the other guys to do it? 1153 00:50:43,102 --> 00:50:44,603 What, you got something else better to do? 1154 00:50:44,637 --> 00:50:47,006 It's not like you're writing jokes. I've seen your set. 1155 00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:50,076 Look, at least you'll be in a vehicle that moves. 1156 00:50:50,109 --> 00:50:52,011 - Awesome. - All right. 1157 00:50:52,045 --> 00:50:53,378 See you tomorrow at ten? 1158 00:50:55,648 --> 00:50:56,683 - Fine. - Nah, nah, nevermind. 1159 00:50:56,716 --> 00:50:58,583 Okay, cool, great, yeah. 1160 00:51:01,654 --> 00:51:03,956 "Guided meditation, release anger." 1161 00:51:03,990 --> 00:51:06,693 Life can certainly be difficult. 1162 00:51:06,726 --> 00:51:08,193 - Oh, Dave. - And keeping our emotions 1163 00:51:08,226 --> 00:51:10,328 - Super cute, right? - in check can seem... 1164 00:51:10,362 --> 00:51:11,496 Frustrating. 1165 00:51:11,530 --> 00:51:14,399 Oh, you're totally not doing this right. 1166 00:51:14,433 --> 00:51:16,069 - Okay, In a moment... 1167 00:51:16,102 --> 00:51:17,436 - I'm getting out of here. - The music will change. 1168 00:51:17,469 --> 00:51:19,038 Line up. 1169 00:51:19,072 --> 00:51:21,040 No dick-fucking around! This is a place of business! 1170 00:51:21,074 --> 00:51:22,274 Fuck! 1171 00:51:25,645 --> 00:51:26,913 My God. 1172 00:51:29,247 --> 00:51:30,817 - Amir. - Good to see you. 1173 00:51:30,850 --> 00:51:32,317 - Thank you for coming. - Yeah. Thanks for having us. 1174 00:51:32,350 --> 00:51:34,286 - Come on in. - Hey, what's up man? 1175 00:51:34,319 --> 00:51:36,122 - Come on in. - All right. 1176 00:51:36,155 --> 00:51:38,057 - This place is nice. - Do you want anything to drink? 1177 00:51:38,091 --> 00:51:39,692 Nah, nah, it's okay. 1178 00:51:39,726 --> 00:51:41,526 Have a seat, set up in here. 1179 00:51:44,229 --> 00:51:45,497 I'm Arnold. 1180 00:51:45,530 --> 00:51:47,066 You don't have to plug that in, by the way. 1181 00:51:47,100 --> 00:51:48,634 Oh. I mean, are you sure? 1182 00:51:48,668 --> 00:51:50,136 'Cause, I mean I can plug it in and... 1183 00:51:50,169 --> 00:51:52,038 No, no, no. I want to hear you. 1184 00:51:52,071 --> 00:51:54,807 All right, I'll just... start playing. 1185 00:51:54,841 --> 00:51:56,142 It's called, "For You." 1186 00:52:02,081 --> 00:52:06,085 When I was in high school, I got fired from KFC. 1187 00:52:06,551 --> 00:52:07,720 Um... 1188 00:52:08,253 --> 00:52:12,825 I... stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes and put corn on it 1189 00:52:12,859 --> 00:52:16,428 and... turned it into a little tiny corn on the cob. 1190 00:52:16,461 --> 00:52:19,832 And my crush was there getting a value meal 1191 00:52:19,866 --> 00:52:22,869 and she saw my tiny corncob dick, 1192 00:52:22,902 --> 00:52:26,172 and didn't go to prom with me because she saw that 1193 00:52:26,205 --> 00:52:27,907 And she told everyone in high school. 1194 00:52:27,940 --> 00:52:30,877 And then my parents found out, and my dad sat me down 1195 00:52:30,910 --> 00:52:33,045 and told me he has a corncob dick too. 1196 00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:35,380 And I shouldn't feel bad about it. 1197 00:52:35,413 --> 00:52:37,884 And then it made me feel bad that it's genetic 1198 00:52:37,917 --> 00:52:40,418 and there's nothing I can do about my corncob dick. 1199 00:52:40,452 --> 00:52:43,856 But I just need to let go of it and accept the fact 1200 00:52:43,890 --> 00:52:47,359 that I am... I'm the Corncob Kid, and that's just who I am. 1201 00:52:47,392 --> 00:52:48,560 I'm ready whenever you're ready. 1202 00:52:48,593 --> 00:52:50,362 Ready? Okay. 1203 00:53:04,076 --> 00:53:07,412 ♪ I'd swim through oceans With sharks at my shadow ♪ 1204 00:53:07,445 --> 00:53:11,117 ♪ I'd pierce the heart Of a million in battle ♪ 1205 00:53:11,150 --> 00:53:14,120 ♪ I'd give my eyes and Go blind so you'd see ♪ 1206 00:53:14,153 --> 00:53:18,024 ♪ Just to be close to you ♪ 1207 00:53:18,057 --> 00:53:21,260 ♪ You used to laugh at my Socks with the sandals ♪ 1208 00:53:21,294 --> 00:53:24,596 ♪ I used to hate when you'd Flip through the channels ♪ 1209 00:53:24,630 --> 00:53:29,802 ♪ We used to dream 'bout our Life and our travels, yeah ♪ 1210 00:53:30,236 --> 00:53:31,871 ♪ Yeah ♪ 1211 00:53:31,904 --> 00:53:36,142 ♪ I would trade it all ♪ 1212 00:53:36,175 --> 00:53:39,145 ♪ For you ♪ 1213 00:53:39,178 --> 00:53:42,114 ♪ I would give my all ♪ 1214 00:53:42,148 --> 00:53:45,251 ♪ For you, for you, For you, for you ♪ 1215 00:53:45,284 --> 00:53:49,088 ♪ For you, for you, For you ♪ 1216 00:54:04,237 --> 00:54:06,371 Dude. Fuck was that? 1217 00:54:06,404 --> 00:54:09,407 You were like a real fucking human being in there. 1218 00:54:11,376 --> 00:54:13,312 Listen, man, I don't mind being 1219 00:54:13,346 --> 00:54:15,948 your little fucking errand boy 'cause you're too chicken shit 1220 00:54:15,982 --> 00:54:17,482 to let any of the other guys see you 1221 00:54:17,515 --> 00:54:19,952 for like who you really are, but some advice... 1222 00:54:20,820 --> 00:54:22,487 Uh, if you mean what you just sang in there, 1223 00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,657 then everything you got going on outside 1224 00:54:24,690 --> 00:54:26,491 of comedy is a fucking privilege. 1225 00:54:26,524 --> 00:54:28,194 Yeah, whatever, man, just load the shit up. 1226 00:54:31,396 --> 00:54:32,597 You hear me? 1227 00:54:33,565 --> 00:54:35,201 The fuck man? Wait, 1228 00:54:35,234 --> 00:54:36,969 just 'cause you heard my song, you think you know me? 1229 00:54:37,003 --> 00:54:38,371 You think you got all the answers now? 1230 00:54:38,403 --> 00:54:40,339 You don't know my relationship. You don't know. 1231 00:54:40,373 --> 00:54:42,642 Okay, I may not know your fucking relationship, 1232 00:54:42,675 --> 00:54:44,310 but I know that you got a fucking choice, right? 1233 00:54:44,343 --> 00:54:46,379 Like you had a choice when you got kicked out? 1234 00:54:46,411 --> 00:54:48,714 Started mooching off everybody, living in a van 1235 00:54:48,748 --> 00:54:51,117 like some motherfucking white Tyler Perry and shit? 1236 00:54:52,251 --> 00:54:53,819 Fuck! Jesus Cr... 1237 00:54:54,854 --> 00:54:55,988 I've never punched... 1238 00:54:57,290 --> 00:54:58,456 Tyler who? 1239 00:54:59,457 --> 00:55:02,594 Just get in the fucking car, man. Jesus Christ. 1240 00:55:04,596 --> 00:55:08,000 One day, I went to go see my friend. 1241 00:55:08,034 --> 00:55:09,335 He worked at the sex shop. 1242 00:55:10,602 --> 00:55:15,241 Upon my arrival, he was stocking these dildos on the wall. 1243 00:55:15,274 --> 00:55:16,943 I looked closer at these dildos. 1244 00:55:16,976 --> 00:55:19,544 They had a sticker on it that said, "Thin Cock." 1245 00:55:19,577 --> 00:55:21,280 And I was like, 1246 00:55:21,314 --> 00:55:22,848 "If that's thin cock, 1247 00:55:24,650 --> 00:55:28,888 I'm in deep shit!" 1248 00:55:28,921 --> 00:55:30,389 How do you exhale that out? 1249 00:55:30,423 --> 00:55:31,958 How do you do that? 1250 00:55:31,991 --> 00:55:35,560 Oh God! Oh God, my foot's asleep! 1251 00:55:35,593 --> 00:55:36,862 It's a bad one. 1252 00:55:38,097 --> 00:55:41,434 My foot feels like... just a bunch of jelly. 1253 00:55:43,269 --> 00:55:46,205 Oh God, it's so deep. 1254 00:56:03,122 --> 00:56:04,622 Did everybody Venmo? 1255 00:56:05,490 --> 00:56:07,326 Who didn't Venmo? 1256 00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:09,128 I used Cash App. 1257 00:56:10,696 --> 00:56:14,867 All right. As long as you Venmoed, it's fine. 1258 00:56:35,955 --> 00:56:38,691 - Ow! What the fuck? - That's for Tyler Perry, bitch. 1259 00:56:43,528 --> 00:56:45,931 I got a call from some chick who said she was... 1260 00:56:45,965 --> 00:56:47,500 your ex, named Sabrina or something. 1261 00:56:47,532 --> 00:56:50,535 - Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. Just... - Okay, cool. 1262 00:56:50,568 --> 00:56:52,371 She said that she wanted me to tell you 1263 00:56:52,405 --> 00:56:54,273 to fucking call her back so you can go pick up your shit. 1264 00:56:54,306 --> 00:56:57,109 Dude, it's literally irrelevant, don't worry about it. 1265 00:56:57,143 --> 00:56:59,945 There's no rat... Just keep doing what you're doing. 1266 00:56:59,979 --> 00:57:02,681 Why wouldn't I fucking tell you that? 1267 00:57:02,715 --> 00:57:05,885 Oh my God! Nico, you scared the crap out of me. 1268 00:57:05,918 --> 00:57:08,454 How's my favorite juvenile landlord doing? 1269 00:57:08,487 --> 00:57:11,190 What horrible news are you bringing to me today? 1270 00:57:11,223 --> 00:57:13,025 Listen, man, we're having people 1271 00:57:13,059 --> 00:57:14,794 that want to buy the property. 1272 00:57:14,827 --> 00:57:16,996 They want to come in, and they want to renovate everything. 1273 00:57:17,029 --> 00:57:18,898 That's great! And then I never have 1274 00:57:18,931 --> 00:57:20,032 to see you again on top of that? 1275 00:57:20,066 --> 00:57:21,901 - Guess so, yeah. - That's amazing. 1276 00:57:21,934 --> 00:57:24,136 The thing is, though, we gotta raise your rent. 1277 00:57:25,504 --> 00:57:26,872 Well, by how much? 1278 00:57:26,906 --> 00:57:28,908 - Double. - Jesus! When? 1279 00:57:28,941 --> 00:57:31,177 With a $15,000 deposit. 1280 00:57:31,210 --> 00:57:33,212 Jesus Christ, by when? 1281 00:57:33,245 --> 00:57:35,247 End of the month. 1282 00:57:35,281 --> 00:57:37,917 You can't just come in here and drop all of that 1283 00:57:37,950 --> 00:57:41,320 on me with a 30-day notice. It's absolutely ridiculous. 1284 00:57:41,353 --> 00:57:42,988 It's surely illegal. 1285 00:57:43,022 --> 00:57:46,392 Dude, you have people outside sleeping in their van, 1286 00:57:46,425 --> 00:57:48,427 fucking by the dumpsters, pissing outside, 1287 00:57:48,461 --> 00:57:50,362 jerking off in their fucking cars. 1288 00:57:50,396 --> 00:57:51,497 What do you expect? 1289 00:57:51,530 --> 00:57:52,932 They're in the car. 1290 00:57:53,598 --> 00:57:55,434 Goddammit. 1291 00:57:55,468 --> 00:57:57,203 This is a very respectable establishment. 1292 00:57:57,236 --> 00:57:58,704 Oh! 1293 00:57:58,737 --> 00:58:02,575 - Fuck! - Yeah, okay. 1294 00:58:02,607 --> 00:58:05,444 Here's the paperwork. have a good one. 1295 00:58:05,478 --> 00:58:07,513 - Yeah, thanks a lot. I'll have a great one, Nico. - Dave. 1296 00:58:07,546 --> 00:58:10,249 Tell your dad to go fuck himself. What do you want? 1297 00:58:10,282 --> 00:58:12,985 - Dave, I need your help. - You're fine. 1298 00:58:13,552 --> 00:58:16,388 Sup. You guys got any spots open for the 10 O'clock? 1299 00:58:16,422 --> 00:58:19,024 Uh, no, we're... Actually we're totally booked for the rest of the night. 1300 00:58:19,058 --> 00:58:20,593 Fuck you guys. 1301 00:58:21,127 --> 00:58:22,761 - Jesus Christ. - That was fucking rude. 1302 00:58:23,662 --> 00:58:25,898 - Oh my God. - What if we put up a fucking tent 1303 00:58:25,931 --> 00:58:28,067 and we can send people like that to fucking... 1304 00:58:28,100 --> 00:58:30,536 work in it right next to it. That'd be kind of tight. 1305 00:58:30,569 --> 00:58:32,371 Arnold, my business is about to collapse. 1306 00:58:32,404 --> 00:58:35,374 I don't need you dick-fucking around with me right now. 1307 00:58:35,407 --> 00:58:39,278 Actually, dude, you turn people away all the fucking time 1308 00:58:39,311 --> 00:58:40,880 'cause you're so busy. 1309 00:58:40,913 --> 00:58:43,916 What if you actually set up a fucking tent 1310 00:58:43,949 --> 00:58:45,584 and held mics in it? 1311 00:58:45,618 --> 00:58:48,287 Oh my fucking God, 1312 00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:50,256 if you fucking build it, 1313 00:58:50,289 --> 00:58:53,325 they will fucking come, baby! 1314 00:58:53,359 --> 00:58:55,227 - Two mics at the same time. - Yes! Fucking... 1315 00:58:55,261 --> 00:58:57,396 - More mics, more money, more business! - Yes! Yes! 1316 00:58:57,429 --> 00:58:59,098 - Bomb Shelters everywhere! - Gimme that dick! 1317 00:59:00,466 --> 00:59:02,334 - No, no. Go in, go in. - In. 1318 00:59:02,368 --> 00:59:07,339 Ooh, ahh, ooh, aah... Two mics, same time. 1319 00:59:09,175 --> 00:59:12,411 Yo, great set, guys. Come on. Hey, in or out? 1320 00:59:12,444 --> 00:59:14,613 Good job, Rob. Just go, thank you. 1321 00:59:14,648 --> 00:59:17,716 - Hey, what's up man? What's your name? - Uh, what? 1322 00:59:17,750 --> 00:59:19,685 Just say your name. There's a bunch of people behind you. 1323 00:59:19,718 --> 00:59:21,253 -Okay, yeah, yeah, Devontae. 1324 00:59:21,287 --> 00:59:23,489 Devontae, you're in the main room. 1325 00:59:23,522 --> 00:59:26,125 - Thank you, sir. - Pay Dave. Pay Dave $5. 1326 00:59:26,158 --> 00:59:27,626 - Hey, what's your name? - My name's Justin. 1327 00:59:27,661 --> 00:59:29,161 - Main room. Five bucks. Dave. - All right, thank you. 1328 00:59:29,195 --> 00:59:30,329 Cyrus Jay. 1329 00:59:30,362 --> 00:59:33,165 Cyrus Jay, Cyrus Jay. Oh, right, 1330 00:59:33,199 --> 00:59:34,466 you're actually in the tent tonight. 1331 00:59:34,500 --> 00:59:35,669 The what? 1332 00:59:35,701 --> 00:59:37,937 The tent. Right around the corner. 1333 00:59:37,970 --> 00:59:39,371 Dave says this is the improved Bomb Shelter. 1334 00:59:39,405 --> 00:59:40,873 Why are we going to tent? 1335 00:59:40,906 --> 00:59:43,677 Well, this is, but we're full. Grand opening tonight. 1336 00:59:43,709 --> 00:59:45,477 You probably signed up for the wrong one online, 1337 00:59:45,511 --> 00:59:47,613 - but the tent's right over here. - All right. 1338 00:59:47,647 --> 00:59:49,649 - Let's go make the best of a shitty situation. - Okay. 1339 00:59:49,683 --> 00:59:50,849 Do you have your five bucks? 1340 00:59:51,651 --> 00:59:52,751 Yeah. 1341 00:59:53,653 --> 00:59:55,321 All right. Everyone give it up. 1342 00:59:55,354 --> 00:59:57,189 Cyrus, really funny guy coming to the stage. 1343 00:59:57,223 --> 00:59:58,692 Come on, Cyrus! 1344 00:59:58,724 --> 01:00:00,893 Miley, Cyrus! 1345 01:00:08,067 --> 01:00:10,869 Yes, my name is Cyrus and I'm from Iran. 1346 01:00:10,903 --> 01:00:14,406 Thank you for not calling Homeland Security. 1347 01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:17,476 You know, with this light beaming upon me, 1348 01:00:17,509 --> 01:00:22,147 the disgusting stench of death poisoning our insides, 1349 01:00:22,181 --> 01:00:24,049 this reminds me of tents in Iran. 1350 01:00:24,083 --> 01:00:25,719 Only thing missing is the cries 1351 01:00:25,751 --> 01:00:28,187 of children being tortured as we fall asleep. 1352 01:00:29,955 --> 01:00:32,191 - What do you think? - Eh, my set could have gone better. 1353 01:00:32,224 --> 01:00:35,561 - Not your set. The place, bro, the fucking place, man! - Aha, oh. 1354 01:00:35,594 --> 01:00:37,563 - Well, you definitely built something here. - Yeah. 1355 01:00:37,596 --> 01:00:39,666 I don't know what it is, but you definitely built something. 1356 01:00:39,699 --> 01:00:42,501 This, this looks fucking fantastic. 1357 01:00:42,534 --> 01:00:45,571 But this... I wish you did not show this to me, or anyone. 1358 01:00:45,604 --> 01:00:47,506 You must burn this tent at once. 1359 01:00:47,539 --> 01:00:49,375 You put him in the tent? 1360 01:00:49,408 --> 01:00:51,110 I... 1361 01:00:51,143 --> 01:00:53,212 You were not supposed to see the tent, Cyrus. 1362 01:00:53,245 --> 01:00:55,180 We just got so busy, we had to do something. 1363 01:00:55,214 --> 01:00:56,515 But that's the point, man. 1364 01:00:56,548 --> 01:00:59,184 Look at how many people are freaking here, man. 1365 01:00:59,218 --> 01:01:01,954 Yes, you have turned a shit hole into a shit store. 1366 01:01:01,987 --> 01:01:03,757 Yeah, franchise, baby. What do you think 1367 01:01:03,789 --> 01:01:05,759 I'm trying to do here, Cyrus, come on. 1368 01:01:05,791 --> 01:01:06,959 Okay, give me a couple of days. 1369 01:01:06,992 --> 01:01:08,527 Let me think about it, okay? 1370 01:01:08,560 --> 01:01:10,764 First I have to go home and wash the AIDS off my skin 1371 01:01:10,796 --> 01:01:12,097 from this tent, okay? 1372 01:01:12,131 --> 01:01:14,266 But congratulations on this. 1373 01:01:14,300 --> 01:01:16,535 Al-Qaeda would be proud of you, okay? 1374 01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:23,042 Cyrus! Cyrus, bro. 1375 01:01:23,075 --> 01:01:24,276 Listen, I gotta be honest with you. 1376 01:01:24,310 --> 01:01:25,577 My landlord is really trying 1377 01:01:25,611 --> 01:01:27,246 to fuck me out of this place right now 1378 01:01:27,279 --> 01:01:28,947 and I just need you to hold the Sunset location 1379 01:01:28,981 --> 01:01:30,784 for me for a couple more months, that's it. 1380 01:01:30,816 --> 01:01:32,818 If you cannot make this business, you have to let it go. 1381 01:01:32,851 --> 01:01:36,088 No... God, listen. I just need a little bit more time. 1382 01:01:36,121 --> 01:01:37,589 It's all I have. 1383 01:01:37,623 --> 01:01:39,892 David John, maybe it's time to move on. 1384 01:01:39,925 --> 01:01:41,960 You have been running Bomb Shelter for years 1385 01:01:41,994 --> 01:01:43,663 and you are barely surviving. 1386 01:01:43,697 --> 01:01:45,331 You're dealing with these open-micers. 1387 01:01:45,364 --> 01:01:47,767 They're trying to fuck you from every angle. 1388 01:01:47,801 --> 01:01:50,836 You're a hard worker, do something better, fuck this. 1389 01:02:03,015 --> 01:02:04,550 What's Dave doing? 1390 01:02:05,517 --> 01:02:07,019 He's either meditating 1391 01:02:07,052 --> 01:02:08,921 or having a complete fucking breakdown. 1392 01:02:08,954 --> 01:02:10,089 Why, though? 1393 01:02:10,122 --> 01:02:11,490 His landlord just showed up and said 1394 01:02:11,523 --> 01:02:13,492 if he doesn't come up with 15 Gs for a deposit, 1395 01:02:13,525 --> 01:02:14,828 this place is done. 1396 01:02:14,860 --> 01:02:17,096 So what, like, we gotta go back 1397 01:02:17,129 --> 01:02:18,364 to all these other fucking bullshit, 1398 01:02:18,397 --> 01:02:19,932 random, out-of-the-hat mics 1399 01:02:19,965 --> 01:02:21,634 where I gotta pay like all his money 1400 01:02:21,668 --> 01:02:23,670 just to wait for like three fucking minutes? 1401 01:02:23,703 --> 01:02:25,705 - Man, fuck this. - Yeah. 1402 01:02:25,739 --> 01:02:27,373 I mean, unless we come up with a way 1403 01:02:27,406 --> 01:02:29,341 to find the fucking money, then, yeah. 1404 01:02:29,375 --> 01:02:31,477 How the fuck are you gonna come up with the money, bro? 1405 01:02:31,510 --> 01:02:32,712 What are you gonna do? 1406 01:02:32,746 --> 01:02:35,347 You're gonna sell your ass in the van? 1407 01:02:35,381 --> 01:02:36,816 No one's gonna wanna buy you, bro. 1408 01:02:36,850 --> 01:02:39,017 You're fat, and you're ugly. 1409 01:02:39,051 --> 01:02:40,552 He's kinda cute. 1410 01:02:40,586 --> 01:02:42,020 Amir, you guys work for like big fucking comics. 1411 01:02:42,054 --> 01:02:44,490 Can't you guys talk to some of these comics 1412 01:02:44,523 --> 01:02:45,891 that you're fucking opening up for 1413 01:02:45,924 --> 01:02:47,526 and have them come do sets 1414 01:02:47,559 --> 01:02:48,728 it'll fucking raise so much money? 1415 01:02:48,762 --> 01:02:50,462 Hey, wait, wait, wait... 1416 01:02:50,496 --> 01:02:52,699 How exactly do you expect me to pitch that? 1417 01:02:52,732 --> 01:02:56,068 "Hey, buddy, I know you make $100,000 a weekend, 1418 01:02:56,101 --> 01:02:59,037 why don't you come host this open mic for free?" 1419 01:02:59,071 --> 01:03:00,239 You're an idiot. 1420 01:03:00,272 --> 01:03:02,574 I agree. You're an idiot. 1421 01:03:02,608 --> 01:03:04,576 Amir, come on. Are you in? 1422 01:03:04,610 --> 01:03:06,311 Yeah, I'll make some calls. 1423 01:03:06,345 --> 01:03:08,547 You know what? I'll make some calls. 1424 01:03:08,580 --> 01:03:11,718 Nobody cares when you call, Kyle. 1425 01:03:11,751 --> 01:03:12,985 Watch this, straight to voicemail. 1426 01:03:15,855 --> 01:03:17,322 Hello, Mom? 1427 01:03:17,356 --> 01:03:19,258 Just wondering if you know, 1428 01:03:19,291 --> 01:03:20,926 I need to borrow some money and... 1429 01:03:23,595 --> 01:03:24,664 So that's a no, guys. 1430 01:03:28,367 --> 01:03:32,371 Great set tonight, Kyle. Lots of growth. 1431 01:03:32,404 --> 01:03:34,808 You really knocked it out of the park! 1432 01:03:37,042 --> 01:03:39,011 Hey Dave, why don't you just get a second opinion 1433 01:03:39,044 --> 01:03:42,347 on that bad STD test, man? 1434 01:03:42,381 --> 01:03:44,983 Thank you, Amir. I appreciate the advice. 1435 01:03:46,218 --> 01:03:48,755 Yo, like, I know I'm hella talented, 1436 01:03:48,788 --> 01:03:51,791 but Dave complimenting me? I don't know, man, 1437 01:03:51,825 --> 01:03:54,894 that felt a little weird, like this feeling in my stomach. 1438 01:03:54,928 --> 01:03:56,395 Like I dunno, man. 1439 01:03:56,428 --> 01:03:58,230 It's called sympathy, stupid. 1440 01:03:58,263 --> 01:03:59,766 It's what normal people feel. 1441 01:03:59,799 --> 01:04:00,900 Yeah, but I don't like it. 1442 01:04:00,934 --> 01:04:02,601 It's making me feel responsible, 1443 01:04:02,635 --> 01:04:05,772 like I gotta do something, you know? 1444 01:04:05,805 --> 01:04:07,573 Bro, what do you think we've all been doing? 1445 01:04:07,606 --> 01:04:10,643 We've been trying to book headliners to fix this place. 1446 01:04:10,677 --> 01:04:12,745 I got it. Angela Nissel. 1447 01:04:12,779 --> 01:04:14,079 - I can get her to headline. - The TV writer? 1448 01:04:14,112 --> 01:04:16,248 How the fuck do you know Angela? 1449 01:04:16,281 --> 01:04:20,419 Check this out. We go to the same Ralphs. 1450 01:04:20,452 --> 01:04:22,287 Like, we could wait outside... 1451 01:04:22,321 --> 01:04:25,557 Stop right there, bro. That is insane. 1452 01:04:27,794 --> 01:04:30,229 Look, I know you guys make fun of me 1453 01:04:30,262 --> 01:04:33,833 because I grew up rich and you guys find me annoying 1454 01:04:33,867 --> 01:04:36,468 and probably don't even like my jokes, but... 1455 01:04:37,871 --> 01:04:40,339 I love this place, and I love Dave 1456 01:04:40,372 --> 01:04:42,574 And I think I even love you guys too. 1457 01:04:42,608 --> 01:04:44,409 This place has given me... 1458 01:04:44,443 --> 01:04:48,580 somewhere where I could find my voice and be who I am, you know? 1459 01:04:48,614 --> 01:04:51,149 And honestly, like, if it wasn't for this place, 1460 01:04:51,183 --> 01:04:52,886 I know you guys wouldn't kick it with me. 1461 01:04:52,919 --> 01:04:55,922 And to be honest, like, I don't even have friends outside. 1462 01:04:55,955 --> 01:04:56,956 Yeah, no shit. 1463 01:04:56,990 --> 01:04:59,124 ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ 1464 01:04:59,157 --> 01:05:00,192 Look man, like... 1465 01:05:00,225 --> 01:05:01,861 Hey, I'm playin', I'm playin'. 1466 01:05:01,895 --> 01:05:05,932 This is my chance to give Dave something more than $5. 1467 01:05:05,965 --> 01:05:07,767 You know she's not a standup, right? 1468 01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:09,434 You don't know that. 1469 01:05:09,468 --> 01:05:12,337 Plus you know how many nerds are gonna be lining up 1470 01:05:12,371 --> 01:05:15,340 to bother her after we're done bothering her? 1471 01:05:15,374 --> 01:05:18,811 And we're not even asking for a job, we're giving her one. 1472 01:05:18,845 --> 01:05:20,780 Man, this is crazy, man. 1473 01:05:20,813 --> 01:05:22,882 It's stupid, it's creepy, and you know what? 1474 01:05:22,916 --> 01:05:25,718 Kinda illegal harassing her like that. 1475 01:05:25,752 --> 01:05:27,854 Man, my grandma was illegal. 1476 01:05:27,887 --> 01:05:29,087 Huh? 1477 01:05:29,856 --> 01:05:31,024 You in? 1478 01:05:35,895 --> 01:05:38,564 Uh, why are we here? 1479 01:05:38,597 --> 01:05:41,968 There's this white lady that cooks these bomb-ass cookies, 1480 01:05:42,001 --> 01:05:45,004 Angela never misses a batch. Never. 1481 01:05:45,038 --> 01:05:47,006 And you got this intel how? 1482 01:05:47,040 --> 01:05:48,340 I mean, what the fuck, man? 1483 01:05:48,373 --> 01:05:49,909 Bro, I buy those cookies all the time. 1484 01:05:49,943 --> 01:05:51,076 They're bomb as fuck. 1485 01:05:51,109 --> 01:05:52,879 You know white people don't know 1486 01:05:52,912 --> 01:05:54,814 how to season their chicken, right? 1487 01:05:54,847 --> 01:05:57,149 But they could sure put sprinkles on their muffins. 1488 01:05:57,182 --> 01:05:58,417 You know what? 1489 01:05:58,450 --> 01:06:00,385 I do love some white muffins though. 1490 01:06:00,419 --> 01:06:02,487 Bro, Angela loves those white muffins. 1491 01:06:02,521 --> 01:06:04,023 All right, y'all stay here 1492 01:06:04,057 --> 01:06:06,425 with your creepy-ass binoculars. 1493 01:06:06,458 --> 01:06:08,928 I'm gonna go over there and do the talking. 1494 01:06:08,962 --> 01:06:11,597 Hey girl! Angela, right? 1495 01:06:11,631 --> 01:06:13,666 Sorry, people always think that for some reason. 1496 01:06:13,700 --> 01:06:15,034 So, you don't come here every Wednesday 1497 01:06:15,068 --> 01:06:18,236 to get those fresh mango cinnamon cookies? 1498 01:06:18,270 --> 01:06:20,606 Apple cinnamon. Who sent you, what's up? 1499 01:06:20,640 --> 01:06:22,507 - Oh, nobody, mm-mm. I... - Hey, Angela! 1500 01:06:22,541 --> 01:06:24,043 - Well my friend... - When's Scrubs coming back? 1501 01:06:24,077 --> 01:06:25,577 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, whoa, whoa, wait, wait! 1502 01:06:25,611 --> 01:06:26,913 - She's got mace! - Calm down. 1503 01:06:26,946 --> 01:06:28,347 Y'all think y'all can sun me, right? 1504 01:06:28,380 --> 01:06:29,682 'Cause I got a little money? 1505 01:06:29,716 --> 01:06:31,450 I'm from Philly. I take... Mai Tai classes. 1506 01:06:31,483 --> 01:06:32,919 - Shit, she's from Philly. She hard. - We're comics... 1507 01:06:32,952 --> 01:06:35,554 We're comics, and we're just... That's it. 1508 01:06:35,587 --> 01:06:37,890 Look, wait, wait, wait. look, our buddy's business 1509 01:06:37,924 --> 01:06:39,959 is going under and we're throwing a fundraiser 1510 01:06:39,993 --> 01:06:43,062 and we could really use your help with saving his business. 1511 01:06:43,096 --> 01:06:44,731 Please put the pepper spray down. 1512 01:06:44,764 --> 01:06:46,733 I've just washed my hair and we just want to make sure 1513 01:06:46,766 --> 01:06:48,935 our friend Dave's open mic doesn't fail. 1514 01:06:48,968 --> 01:06:50,770 Here's a flyer. 1515 01:06:50,803 --> 01:06:52,105 - Here's a flyer. - That's a cat. 1516 01:06:52,137 --> 01:06:53,472 - Again? - Your hair looks cute though. 1517 01:06:53,505 --> 01:06:54,874 - Thank you. - It does, what do you use? 1518 01:06:54,907 --> 01:06:56,976 - Oh, Miss Jessie's. - That's the shit. 1519 01:06:57,010 --> 01:06:58,911 Curly girls! I love you, thank you. 1520 01:06:58,945 --> 01:07:01,648 Listen, I'm gonna be honest like I've never been honest in my life, 1521 01:07:01,681 --> 01:07:04,249 to myself, and to them, and to you. 1522 01:07:04,282 --> 01:07:07,053 But I've been doing standup comedy for a while 1523 01:07:07,086 --> 01:07:10,890 and I don't think I've ever been funny. 1524 01:07:12,825 --> 01:07:15,995 But... One day it's all gonna click. 1525 01:07:16,029 --> 01:07:17,496 One day, I'm gonna figure it out. 1526 01:07:17,529 --> 01:07:19,999 It's gonna click like a remote control 1527 01:07:20,033 --> 01:07:22,802 and that can't happen if they close down The Bomb Shelter, 1528 01:07:22,835 --> 01:07:24,236 which is why we're here. 1529 01:07:24,269 --> 01:07:26,139 Maybe you can help us out. 1530 01:07:26,171 --> 01:07:28,775 He's not lying, his mama doesn't even love him. It's terrible. 1531 01:07:28,808 --> 01:07:30,308 Yeah, he sucks. 1532 01:07:30,342 --> 01:07:31,610 There. Not a cat. 1533 01:07:31,644 --> 01:07:33,946 See, this is actually kinda sweet. 1534 01:07:33,980 --> 01:07:36,248 I don't do standup though, sorry. 1535 01:07:36,281 --> 01:07:38,651 You don't know till you try it. you could be hilarious. 1536 01:07:38,685 --> 01:07:40,086 I mean, you look funny. 1537 01:07:40,119 --> 01:07:42,155 - Oh! Shit! - Oh! Stop! Okay! 1538 01:07:45,190 --> 01:07:46,491 Shit! Mother... 1539 01:07:48,061 --> 01:07:51,030 Normally I love it when a girl squirts my face. 1540 01:07:51,064 --> 01:07:53,966 Not like this! Not like this! 1541 01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:55,367 Will you do the show? 1542 01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:58,104 Will you at least do the show? 1543 01:07:58,137 --> 01:07:59,706 All right. I'll give you my email address. 1544 01:07:59,739 --> 01:08:01,373 - Yes! - Get the fuck out! 1545 01:08:01,406 --> 01:08:03,176 - She's doing the show, bro. - man-up, Amir. 1546 01:08:03,208 --> 01:08:04,944 - Thank God. - It's worth it. 1547 01:08:04,977 --> 01:08:06,445 - I'm gonna go get some milk... - Thank God. 1548 01:08:06,478 --> 01:08:07,880 I'll... I'll throw the milk in your face... 1549 01:08:07,914 --> 01:08:09,414 - and you'll be fine. - Oh, God. 1550 01:08:11,416 --> 01:08:12,852 Thank you, so much. 1551 01:08:12,885 --> 01:08:14,453 - Thank you, thank you. - Let me tell y'all, 1552 01:08:14,486 --> 01:08:16,689 don't approach anybody talking about squirting 1553 01:08:16,723 --> 01:08:18,725 - and run up on their car like this, okay? - All right. 1554 01:08:18,758 --> 01:08:20,492 'Cause I was about to call the cops on you. 1555 01:08:20,525 --> 01:08:21,626 - Its okay. - Thank you, thank you. 1556 01:08:21,661 --> 01:08:23,696 - Water under the bridge. - Email me. 1557 01:08:41,714 --> 01:08:45,051 So, this is actually my first time doing standup. 1558 01:08:45,084 --> 01:08:47,186 If you didn't know, I'm a TV writer. 1559 01:08:47,220 --> 01:08:48,654 And after meeting you guys, 1560 01:08:48,688 --> 01:08:51,724 it's actually my last time doing stand up. 1561 01:08:51,758 --> 01:08:52,925 Haa! 1562 01:09:11,443 --> 01:09:14,113 I don't have any money for clothes, so... 1563 01:09:14,147 --> 01:09:16,548 if you see me looking like I just came out of a dressing room 1564 01:09:16,581 --> 01:09:18,350 trying something on, it's like, 1565 01:09:18,383 --> 01:09:20,920 no, that's just how I fucking look. 1566 01:09:36,068 --> 01:09:38,370 I haven't felt this uncomfortable 1567 01:09:38,403 --> 01:09:42,141 in a sea of broken dreams since... 1568 01:09:42,175 --> 01:09:45,211 Actually, never. Because I actually followed my dreams. 1569 01:09:45,244 --> 01:09:48,413 I just said I'm a TV writer and I don't stalk people outside of Ralphs. 1570 01:10:02,695 --> 01:10:06,899 The only problem is... I get reminiscence of growing up 1571 01:10:06,933 --> 01:10:08,968 because I used to share the bathroom with 1572 01:10:09,001 --> 01:10:10,136 everyone in my fucking family. 1573 01:10:10,169 --> 01:10:12,104 We had a one bathroom, massive family, 1574 01:10:12,138 --> 01:10:14,140 except now I'm just sharing it with the homeless people 1575 01:10:14,173 --> 01:10:16,275 who are trying to get in the van with me. 1576 01:10:23,816 --> 01:10:27,787 Speaking of dreams, if anyone has any ideas 1577 01:10:27,820 --> 01:10:31,423 or email requests or collaborations, 1578 01:10:31,456 --> 01:10:33,993 I'm currently only taking sexual favors. 1579 01:10:34,026 --> 01:10:37,529 So you can take the rest to my agent. 1580 01:10:41,133 --> 01:10:43,468 I've never realized that I'm actually like a big person. 1581 01:10:43,501 --> 01:10:45,470 Recently, one of those things happened. 1582 01:10:45,503 --> 01:10:47,840 I was crossing the street late one night. 1583 01:10:47,874 --> 01:10:50,176 He just looks at me and he goes, 1584 01:10:50,209 --> 01:10:52,979 "Defensive end or lineman?" 1585 01:10:53,012 --> 01:10:55,181 And without missing a beat, I go, "Tennis player." 1586 01:11:00,987 --> 01:11:04,824 - You're actually really good. - Don't sound so surprised. 1587 01:11:04,857 --> 01:11:08,694 - I mean, you always made me laugh, but you're... - Yeah. 1588 01:11:08,728 --> 01:11:11,563 - you're... "Funny" funny. - Oh, thanks. 1589 01:11:11,596 --> 01:11:14,133 Do you want to... go grab dinner? 1590 01:11:15,034 --> 01:11:16,335 Uh... 1591 01:11:16,369 --> 01:11:18,738 - That sounds good, yeah. - Yeah? Cool. Um... 1592 01:11:18,771 --> 01:11:21,539 - Not tonight. Um... - Boundaries, yes. 1593 01:11:21,573 --> 01:11:24,844 - Maybe next Saturday? - Saturday. Uh, yeah. 1594 01:11:24,877 --> 01:11:27,246 I can't do it anymore. Dude, I can't do it. 1595 01:11:27,280 --> 01:11:30,182 I just hosted three hours in the tent mic, three hours! 1596 01:11:30,216 --> 01:11:33,418 I did not move here for this shit. You understand that? 1597 01:11:33,451 --> 01:11:37,323 I have Arian blood. I am too good for that tent mic! 1598 01:11:37,356 --> 01:11:39,926 Yo, psycho, all you had to do is come and ask me, 1599 01:11:39,959 --> 01:11:42,560 I would have switched with you and I would have hosted in the tent. 1600 01:11:42,594 --> 01:11:45,665 Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see you around. 1601 01:11:46,799 --> 01:11:49,534 Oh, uh, do not go in there, okay? 1602 01:11:49,567 --> 01:11:53,272 Seriously, it's a damnation of inferno. You will burn! 1603 01:11:53,306 --> 01:11:56,108 It is hell. You don't want to be in hell, okay? 1604 01:11:56,142 --> 01:11:59,178 I like your haircut. Have a good day! 1605 01:12:01,446 --> 01:12:03,683 - Saturday? - Saturday. 1606 01:12:03,716 --> 01:12:05,184 - Don't forget. - Okay. 1607 01:12:06,752 --> 01:12:07,920 Bye. 1608 01:12:50,296 --> 01:12:52,798 There's literally no reason why an earthquake 1609 01:12:52,832 --> 01:12:55,301 should be classified as a natural disaster. 1610 01:12:55,334 --> 01:12:58,137 It's only a disaster because we decided to build cities 1611 01:12:58,170 --> 01:12:59,472 on fricking fault lines! 1612 01:12:59,504 --> 01:13:01,007 Why are we doing this? 1613 01:13:01,040 --> 01:13:03,109 It doesn't make any sense, it... 1614 01:13:03,142 --> 01:13:04,643 My bad. 1615 01:13:04,677 --> 01:13:06,278 Hey, who just walked in here right now? 1616 01:13:06,312 --> 01:13:09,514 Turn on the lights. Who just walked in here right now? 1617 01:13:09,547 --> 01:13:13,019 Oh. Yeah, Devontae, you're late again, man. 1618 01:13:13,052 --> 01:13:15,287 - You know the rules. Beat it. - Beat it? 1619 01:13:15,321 --> 01:13:16,956 Yo, it's like 10 minutes. 1620 01:13:16,989 --> 01:13:18,824 Well, the cutoff is five minutes, man. You know this. 1621 01:13:18,858 --> 01:13:20,159 Okay, yo, can I just watch? 1622 01:13:20,192 --> 01:13:22,361 Fine, it's fine, just find a seat. Okay... 1623 01:13:22,395 --> 01:13:24,697 There's no seats, so I'm gonna stand. It's cool. 1624 01:13:24,730 --> 01:13:27,700 No fucking standing in the back, Devontae! 1625 01:13:29,201 --> 01:13:31,603 Yo, you're fucking crazy, bro! 1626 01:13:31,637 --> 01:13:35,474 Prima donna motherfuckers! Fucking come in here late 1627 01:13:35,508 --> 01:13:38,144 every day. Goddammit! 1628 01:13:38,177 --> 01:13:39,544 You want to be headliner, right? 1629 01:13:39,577 --> 01:13:40,846 You wanna be a fucking headliner, 1630 01:13:40,880 --> 01:13:42,982 show up on time to the fucking mic! 1631 01:13:43,015 --> 01:13:44,050 Fuck! 1632 01:13:44,083 --> 01:13:46,952 God... dammit. 1633 01:13:47,987 --> 01:13:49,755 Yo! 1634 01:13:51,323 --> 01:13:54,360 Dude! Yo, yo! Hey! Yo. 1635 01:13:54,393 --> 01:13:56,695 - Yo! cut that shit out. - Fuck Dave, man! 1636 01:13:56,729 --> 01:13:58,364 He's always giving me more shit than anyone else. 1637 01:13:58,397 --> 01:13:59,832 - I can't take that shit! - Dude! Dude, yo! 1638 01:13:59,865 --> 01:14:01,867 Chill out, it's not that fucking serious. 1639 01:14:01,901 --> 01:14:03,969 Bruh, you ain't say shit to him, so fuck you too. 1640 01:14:04,003 --> 01:14:05,538 Yo, you're always fucking late. 1641 01:14:05,570 --> 01:14:07,406 And every time you're fucking late, you cost him money, 1642 01:14:07,440 --> 01:14:09,408 and you fuck someone out of a spot. So chill out. 1643 01:14:09,442 --> 01:14:11,043 Fuck those other comics, bro. 1644 01:14:11,077 --> 01:14:14,146 Damn. I could do any other fucking mic on the west side. 1645 01:14:14,180 --> 01:14:15,514 Listen, I'm gonna stop you right there. 1646 01:14:15,548 --> 01:14:17,216 You gotta understand how fucking Dave is, dude. 1647 01:14:17,249 --> 01:14:19,318 Look, I understand. He sees a young brother like me 1648 01:14:19,351 --> 01:14:20,653 - and can't wait to fuck with me. - Oh, my... 1649 01:14:20,686 --> 01:14:21,754 I'm not doing this shit no more. 1650 01:14:21,787 --> 01:14:23,255 Turn down hosting fucking mics 1651 01:14:23,289 --> 01:14:24,423 at the fucking Store for this shit. 1652 01:14:24,457 --> 01:14:26,225 You've turned down mics at The Store? 1653 01:14:27,093 --> 01:14:28,761 Yeah, what? 1654 01:14:28,794 --> 01:14:31,063 Then I wouldn't be able to... 'Cau... I Can't do both. I... 1655 01:14:31,097 --> 01:14:33,666 - Dude, I love The Bomb Shelter. - So? 1656 01:14:35,600 --> 01:14:37,736 Look, when I first came out here, 1657 01:14:38,971 --> 01:14:41,740 Dave and I did like a lot of the same mics. 1658 01:14:41,774 --> 01:14:44,510 He showed me the scene a bit. And then when I... 1659 01:14:46,579 --> 01:14:48,047 His girl found out that I was couch surfing, 1660 01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:49,614 they let me stay at their crib. 1661 01:14:49,648 --> 01:14:51,250 What was the difference between couch surfing 1662 01:14:51,283 --> 01:14:52,918 and sleeping on his floor? 1663 01:14:52,952 --> 01:14:56,222 You don't know shit about Dave. 1664 01:14:56,255 --> 01:14:58,224 Yo, Dave used to live in this big-ass fucking house. 1665 01:14:58,257 --> 01:15:01,227 He had two guest bedrooms and a Brita filter 1666 01:15:01,260 --> 01:15:02,962 in every fucking room and all this shit. 1667 01:15:02,995 --> 01:15:04,797 - No fucking way. - I'm dead-ass serious too. 1668 01:15:04,830 --> 01:15:07,233 It must've been part of some "pity the poor black boy" bullshit 1669 01:15:07,266 --> 01:15:09,768 - 'Cause now this motherfucker out here's trying to kill me. - Dude! 1670 01:15:09,802 --> 01:15:11,570 If you know you can't make the nine o'clock show, 1671 01:15:11,604 --> 01:15:13,372 why don't you just sign up for the 10 o'clock. 1672 01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:16,809 Hmm, yeah. 1673 01:15:16,842 --> 01:15:18,878 I don't really have an answer for that. 1674 01:15:18,911 --> 01:15:20,179 I feel like if... 1675 01:15:21,347 --> 01:15:23,816 If I'm in a rush, then I'm working hard. 1676 01:15:24,250 --> 01:15:26,685 Oh, my God. That's the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard. 1677 01:15:26,719 --> 01:15:29,421 And now I remember you're 20 fucking years old. 1678 01:15:29,455 --> 01:15:31,190 Twenty and a half. 1679 01:15:36,762 --> 01:15:37,963 Wow. 1680 01:15:40,166 --> 01:15:42,902 Well... That was a... 1681 01:15:44,638 --> 01:15:46,238 That was an interesting mic, man. 1682 01:15:46,272 --> 01:15:48,474 Yeah, I'm sorry you had to see that. 1683 01:15:48,507 --> 01:15:51,177 Pretty sure Devontae thinks you're a racist. 1684 01:15:51,210 --> 01:15:54,113 Well, yeah. You know, it's just... 1685 01:15:54,146 --> 01:15:55,748 Blacks, you know? 1686 01:15:55,781 --> 01:15:58,517 Oh, look at that. You actually are racist. 1687 01:15:58,551 --> 01:16:00,319 Listen, the kid has so much talent, 1688 01:16:00,352 --> 01:16:02,688 he just needs to learn how to respect the rules. 1689 01:16:02,721 --> 01:16:05,257 I don't know, man. I kind of felt like it was about something else. 1690 01:16:05,291 --> 01:16:06,759 Yeah, well, maybe it's the fear 1691 01:16:06,792 --> 01:16:09,128 of losing my livelihood has something to do with it. 1692 01:16:09,161 --> 01:16:11,597 Some nights when uh... 1693 01:16:11,631 --> 01:16:14,433 When I'm hosting some open mics, and uh... 1694 01:16:14,466 --> 01:16:16,001 You know, I kind of just get lost. 1695 01:16:16,035 --> 01:16:18,003 thinking about where I'm at in my life right now. 1696 01:16:19,538 --> 01:16:22,041 I kind of think about like, "oh wow, 1697 01:16:22,074 --> 01:16:24,210 I'm fucking sleeping in a van." 1698 01:16:24,243 --> 01:16:27,146 And it's enough to make you want to blow your fucking brains out. 1699 01:16:27,179 --> 01:16:31,150 But that's when I realized it's all fucking temporary, man. 1700 01:16:31,183 --> 01:16:32,451 And... 1701 01:16:34,186 --> 01:16:39,191 It's kind of comforting to say out loud, "I'm not okay." 1702 01:16:43,062 --> 01:16:44,396 I'm fine. 1703 01:16:46,899 --> 01:16:49,301 Is it fine to keep... 1704 01:16:49,335 --> 01:16:52,137 sonograms of a kid you almost had 1705 01:16:52,171 --> 01:16:54,573 in the tool shed? And... 1706 01:16:54,607 --> 01:16:57,009 ducking calls from your ex 'cause 1707 01:16:57,042 --> 01:16:58,911 you don't want to pick up your shit? 1708 01:17:02,915 --> 01:17:04,316 Arnold... 1709 01:17:05,851 --> 01:17:08,587 You've done some nice things here, and I'm grateful, 1710 01:17:08,621 --> 01:17:12,491 but not everybody needs to be fixed. Okay? 1711 01:17:12,524 --> 01:17:14,360 No, you need to be fixed. 1712 01:17:14,393 --> 01:17:16,495 You host stand up here for a few weeks and all of a sudden, 1713 01:17:16,528 --> 01:17:18,197 you're the zen master of MICerz? 1714 01:17:18,230 --> 01:17:19,431 You're just like every other wannabe comic 1715 01:17:19,465 --> 01:17:20,700 - Hey, man... - That comes in here, Arnold. 1716 01:17:20,734 --> 01:17:21,867 I'm just trying to fucking help. 1717 01:17:21,900 --> 01:17:23,002 Oh, yeah, sure you're gonna be the one 1718 01:17:23,035 --> 01:17:24,503 to save The Bomb Shelter now. 1719 01:17:24,536 --> 01:17:26,205 You're not even trying... You're not doing this for me. 1720 01:17:26,238 --> 01:17:27,873 You're doing this for you. 1721 01:17:27,906 --> 01:17:30,242 Some of us are actually trying to do this as a career. 1722 01:17:30,276 --> 01:17:32,044 You are just trying to do this 1723 01:17:32,077 --> 01:17:33,747 to get your ex-girlfriend back. 1724 01:17:33,779 --> 01:17:35,749 You're gonna go back... Right from mooching off me, 1725 01:17:35,781 --> 01:17:37,549 - right back to mooching off her. - Hey, you ever think that 1726 01:17:37,583 --> 01:17:39,184 - That's what you're gonna do. - Maybe I want to do something 1727 01:17:39,218 --> 01:17:40,619 with my fucking life? Look, 1728 01:17:40,654 --> 01:17:42,955 that's your fucking shitty open fucking mic 1729 01:17:42,988 --> 01:17:46,091 - that you fucking host. - And your van's parked in my parking lot. 1730 01:17:46,125 --> 01:17:47,893 What do you fucking want me to do, dude? 1731 01:17:47,926 --> 01:17:50,462 I want you to stay here for as long as it takes. 1732 01:17:50,496 --> 01:17:52,398 So you could feel what kind of... What it's like 1733 01:17:52,431 --> 01:17:54,066 - to be a fucking loser like me. - Oh, you fucking... 1734 01:17:54,099 --> 01:17:56,902 You fucking live for hosting shitty fucking open mics. 1735 01:17:56,935 --> 01:17:58,237 Don't forget I'm your boss, 1736 01:17:58,270 --> 01:17:59,405 and if you bring that shit up one more time 1737 01:17:59,438 --> 01:18:00,873 - you're fired! - Oh yeah? 1738 01:18:00,906 --> 01:18:02,374 - You're gonna fucking fire me? - Yeah. 1739 01:18:02,408 --> 01:18:04,209 - I fucking dare you to fucking fire me! - Fucking... 1740 01:18:04,243 --> 01:18:05,277 I'll fucking do it. 1741 01:18:05,311 --> 01:18:07,613 You fucking bitch! Fuck you! 1742 01:18:07,647 --> 01:18:09,649 I quit. Have fun fucking banning people 1743 01:18:09,683 --> 01:18:12,551 when there's no one fucking here to come, you dumb fuck! 1744 01:18:23,095 --> 01:18:24,396 Am I getting evicted? 1745 01:18:29,501 --> 01:18:31,705 I was engaged a couple years back. 1746 01:18:33,138 --> 01:18:35,007 And, uh, she got pregnant. 1747 01:18:37,176 --> 01:18:41,580 Had a late miscarriage. Like... really late. And, uh... 1748 01:18:45,551 --> 01:18:48,287 We never really recovered after that. 1749 01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:49,955 And uh... 1750 01:18:49,988 --> 01:18:52,925 Last night I saw her with her new husband and uh... 1751 01:18:55,194 --> 01:18:56,362 their baby. 1752 01:18:57,963 --> 01:19:00,834 Dude, I... I didn't know. 1753 01:19:00,866 --> 01:19:02,134 I'm really sorry. 1754 01:19:02,167 --> 01:19:04,470 That was supposed to be my kid. 1755 01:19:18,083 --> 01:19:19,853 I'm still in love with her too. 1756 01:19:21,220 --> 01:19:22,822 Can you believe that? 1757 01:19:22,856 --> 01:19:24,356 It's been years. 1758 01:19:24,390 --> 01:19:26,860 She's got a family, and I've got freaking nothing! 1759 01:19:27,827 --> 01:19:30,396 I mean, you got me. 1760 01:19:30,429 --> 01:19:32,197 It's not saying much, but... 1761 01:19:33,065 --> 01:19:34,400 I think you just gotta... 1762 01:19:35,668 --> 01:19:37,670 get your shit and close the fucking door. 1763 01:19:37,704 --> 01:19:39,071 I can't. 1764 01:19:39,104 --> 01:19:40,973 I mean, if you don't want to see 'em, I can go... 1765 01:19:41,006 --> 01:19:42,241 No! 1766 01:19:44,276 --> 01:19:47,546 Her having my stuff is the only thing that still connects us. 1767 01:19:47,579 --> 01:19:49,381 If we go to pick up my stuff now, then it's over. 1768 01:19:49,415 --> 01:19:52,184 You know? Like really over. 1769 01:19:52,217 --> 01:19:54,687 You got to start making healthy steps towards 1770 01:19:54,721 --> 01:19:57,389 figuring out how to live your life. Like... 1771 01:19:57,423 --> 01:19:59,358 You know, you should make a plan. 1772 01:19:59,391 --> 01:20:00,894 I know you always talk to me about making a plan, 1773 01:20:00,926 --> 01:20:02,896 but I feel like you should be the one to like 1774 01:20:02,928 --> 01:20:04,363 go pick up your stuff. 1775 01:20:04,396 --> 01:20:05,865 I'll go with you. I don't care how... what you have 1776 01:20:05,899 --> 01:20:07,734 to do to do it, I will help you. 1777 01:20:07,767 --> 01:20:10,202 I know that's not saying much 'cause it's fucking me, 1778 01:20:10,235 --> 01:20:13,740 but let's go get your shit so we can put this behind you. 1779 01:20:13,773 --> 01:20:15,775 I mean, come on, look at you. 1780 01:20:15,809 --> 01:20:18,343 You're Mr. No Fucking Bullshitting 1781 01:20:18,377 --> 01:20:21,380 Dick Heavy Metal God! 1782 01:20:21,413 --> 01:20:23,015 Fuck, man time, right? 1783 01:20:24,283 --> 01:20:26,051 All right! 1784 01:20:26,084 --> 01:20:29,521 Three point five billion other women out there to ruin your life. 1785 01:20:29,555 --> 01:20:31,925 Let's get through this, all right? 1786 01:20:31,957 --> 01:20:33,125 Christ. 1787 01:20:34,761 --> 01:20:35,961 What the... 1788 01:20:37,496 --> 01:20:38,865 What the fuck happened to your van? 1789 01:20:38,898 --> 01:20:40,633 I forgot to tell you. 1790 01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,968 I actually sold it to a fucking junk collector. 1791 01:20:43,001 --> 01:20:45,137 I got a couple hundred bucks for it. 1792 01:20:45,170 --> 01:20:46,472 - $200? - Yeah. 1793 01:20:46,505 --> 01:20:47,707 You're smarter than you look. 1794 01:20:47,740 --> 01:20:49,408 I guess officially now, uh 1795 01:20:49,441 --> 01:20:51,109 The Bomb Shelter's my home. 1796 01:20:51,143 --> 01:20:52,946 Oh my God. That's very sweet, 1797 01:20:52,978 --> 01:20:55,214 but I really wouldn't tell anybody else that. 1798 01:20:55,247 --> 01:20:56,950 Hey man. Do whatever you want, bro. 1799 01:20:56,982 --> 01:20:59,551 - You know, all that country shit you like. - Really? 1800 01:20:59,585 --> 01:21:01,553 Yeah, that Keystone Light shit, 1801 01:21:01,587 --> 01:21:03,756 some Alabama Slammer, 1802 01:21:03,790 --> 01:21:06,091 - that White Claw with gin... - Awesome. 1803 01:21:06,124 --> 01:21:08,895 You know, some of that titty twister, pink sand, 1804 01:21:08,928 --> 01:21:10,395 panty dropper shit. 1805 01:21:10,429 --> 01:21:12,331 - Never had one of those. - Yeah man, it's on me, buddy. 1806 01:21:12,364 --> 01:21:14,299 Even though you punched me in the face, motherfucker. 1807 01:21:14,333 --> 01:21:15,668 Yeah, I'm sorry about that. 1808 01:21:15,702 --> 01:21:17,336 That's cool, I love you, babe. You know? 1809 01:21:17,369 --> 01:21:18,905 - I love you too. - Yeah, but fuck you. 1810 01:21:18,938 --> 01:21:20,172 Yeah, okay. 1811 01:21:20,205 --> 01:21:21,573 All right, time for Amiracle, baby. 1812 01:21:21,607 --> 01:21:22,842 ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ 1813 01:21:22,876 --> 01:21:24,978 Yeah! 1814 01:21:29,348 --> 01:21:30,616 You paying for that? 1815 01:21:30,650 --> 01:21:32,685 Oh, no. I don't have any money. 1816 01:21:33,987 --> 01:21:35,187 Hello, white ladies. 1817 01:21:35,220 --> 01:21:37,289 Hey... Hey, you, upfront, what's your name? 1818 01:21:37,322 --> 01:21:38,490 Karen. 1819 01:21:38,524 --> 01:21:41,593 ♪ Karen, always Carin' for Karen ♪ 1820 01:21:43,562 --> 01:21:45,063 Karen, uh... 1821 01:21:45,832 --> 01:21:47,466 I like your necklace. 1822 01:21:47,499 --> 01:21:49,167 You know what looks better than that? 1823 01:21:49,201 --> 01:21:51,136 A sperm necklace, you know what I'm saying? 1824 01:21:54,206 --> 01:21:56,608 Oh, like you've never had a sperm necklace. 1825 01:21:56,643 --> 01:21:57,877 Everybody wanna act like they don't know 1826 01:21:57,911 --> 01:21:59,946 what a sperm necklace is. 1827 01:21:59,979 --> 01:22:01,346 Okay, maybe you do know what it is and 1828 01:22:01,380 --> 01:22:03,482 that's why you groaned. 'Cause it's gross. 1829 01:22:03,515 --> 01:22:06,986 Hey, uh... Karen, uh... are you with somebody tonight? 1830 01:22:07,020 --> 01:22:10,155 - I can't see your boy. What's his name? - Mark. 1831 01:22:10,188 --> 01:22:12,090 Hey, Mark, go home, dawg. You know what I'm sayin'. 1832 01:22:12,124 --> 01:22:14,059 ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ 1833 01:22:14,092 --> 01:22:16,228 Hey, I want to see who this dude is. I can't see nobody out there. 1834 01:22:16,261 --> 01:22:18,463 Hey, hey, light bitches, let me get a look at this dude. 1835 01:22:18,497 --> 01:22:19,565 What does he look like? 1836 01:22:19,598 --> 01:22:21,000 Put a light on this guy. 1837 01:22:25,838 --> 01:22:29,074 Heh, oh, shit. It had to be you. 1838 01:22:29,107 --> 01:22:32,177 Hey, man, Karen's cool as fuck. 1839 01:22:32,210 --> 01:22:33,378 Hey, man, know what? 1840 01:22:33,412 --> 01:22:34,881 If you were gonna eat a butt, 1841 01:22:34,914 --> 01:22:36,916 it should be Karen's, all right? 1842 01:22:36,950 --> 01:22:39,618 Karen's butt is the sweetest in town. 1843 01:22:40,419 --> 01:22:41,854 How do I know that? I don't know that. 1844 01:22:41,888 --> 01:22:44,590 I just... I'm just... Guessing. 1845 01:22:44,623 --> 01:22:45,992 Shit. Oh, I got the light? 1846 01:22:46,025 --> 01:22:47,326 All right. Well, I was gonna get off anyway, 1847 01:22:47,359 --> 01:22:48,761 so fuck y'all. All right. 1848 01:22:54,132 --> 01:22:56,501 Hey, buddy. The fuck was that, man? 1849 01:22:56,535 --> 01:22:57,937 What are you doing up there? 1850 01:22:57,971 --> 01:22:59,571 I was thinking I was doing my job. 1851 01:22:59,605 --> 01:23:01,273 Dude, I gotta pull you from tomorrow's show. 1852 01:23:01,306 --> 01:23:03,208 You can't be pulling that kind of shit up on stage, man. 1853 01:23:03,241 --> 01:23:04,376 What? Why? 1854 01:23:04,409 --> 01:23:05,845 There's nothing I can do about it, man. 1855 01:23:05,878 --> 01:23:07,379 - It's already been talked about. - You're the manager! 1856 01:23:07,412 --> 01:23:08,948 You can do everything about it. 1857 01:23:08,982 --> 01:23:10,717 My hands are tied this time, all right? 1858 01:23:10,750 --> 01:23:13,552 This is bullshit. What does this have to say about comedy? 1859 01:23:13,585 --> 01:23:16,455 If you're gonna pull a comic just for bombing and doing some crowd work. 1860 01:23:16,488 --> 01:23:18,390 Comedy. Comedy. Comedy! 1861 01:23:18,423 --> 01:23:20,125 "I'm so funny, everything revolves around me." 1862 01:23:20,158 --> 01:23:23,096 Fucking tired of this shit. Tired of everything, man. 1863 01:23:23,128 --> 01:23:24,631 Fuck you, fuck your comedy... 1864 01:23:24,664 --> 01:23:27,700 Hey, why don't you calm your Lisa Bonet-lookin' ass down 1865 01:23:27,734 --> 01:23:29,601 Fuck Lisa Bonet, nigga! 1866 01:23:31,470 --> 01:23:32,939 Hey, man. You know what's sad, dude? 1867 01:23:32,972 --> 01:23:34,539 I actually thought you were being genuine 1868 01:23:34,573 --> 01:23:35,908 when you performed for me. 1869 01:23:35,942 --> 01:23:37,944 I thought the whole Amiracle thing was an act, 1870 01:23:37,977 --> 01:23:39,311 but I see that's who you are. 1871 01:23:39,344 --> 01:23:40,813 No one wants to work with assholes, 1872 01:23:40,847 --> 01:23:42,280 especially in this business. 1873 01:23:42,314 --> 01:23:44,549 She does. She loves my asshole. 1874 01:23:44,583 --> 01:23:45,718 Mm-hm. 1875 01:23:45,752 --> 01:23:47,754 Yeah, she lives in my asshole. 1876 01:23:47,787 --> 01:23:50,155 - Fuck you, guy. - She sucks farts outta my asshole. 1877 01:23:50,188 --> 01:23:52,091 You'd be lucky to work with a guy like this. 1878 01:23:52,125 --> 01:23:54,326 Yeah. You love my asshole, right baby? 1879 01:23:54,359 --> 01:23:55,795 Yeah, absolutely. 1880 01:23:55,828 --> 01:23:57,462 Yeah, she's gonna be licking all around it tonight. 1881 01:23:57,496 --> 01:23:59,598 - All the time. - Yeah. 1882 01:23:59,632 --> 01:24:03,102 I want to think about how much I can put more stuff 1883 01:24:03,136 --> 01:24:05,805 in my butt so she could pull it out. 1884 01:24:05,838 --> 01:24:07,974 Every night. I always put stuff in his asshole. 1885 01:24:08,007 --> 01:24:09,241 - He loves it. - Yeah! 1886 01:24:10,609 --> 01:24:13,746 Uhh... Wow, that was kinda crazy. 1887 01:24:13,780 --> 01:24:17,182 So, wha... Oh, um... What was that all about? What just happened? 1888 01:24:17,215 --> 01:24:19,085 I had to pull Amir from the show tomorrow. 1889 01:24:19,118 --> 01:24:20,318 - Oh. - Yeah. 1890 01:24:21,754 --> 01:24:24,322 As a matter of fact, do you know anyone that could fill his slot? 1891 01:24:24,356 --> 01:24:25,424 Oh, um... 1892 01:24:29,361 --> 01:24:30,697 Yeah, I can do it. 1893 01:24:32,832 --> 01:24:33,866 Who are you again? 1894 01:24:33,900 --> 01:24:35,835 Oh, I'm Arnold. Arnold Wilson. 1895 01:24:35,868 --> 01:24:37,937 Yeah, I live in a van. 1896 01:24:40,073 --> 01:24:41,941 I run The Bomb Shelter. 1897 01:24:43,308 --> 01:24:44,944 I got a hand job there once. 1898 01:24:44,977 --> 01:24:46,311 Yeah, probably. 1899 01:24:46,344 --> 01:24:47,714 Yeah, you know what? 1900 01:24:47,747 --> 01:24:49,015 I'll put you in at eight. This works great. 1901 01:24:49,048 --> 01:24:52,051 Yeah, cool. That sounds great. Dope. 1902 01:24:52,085 --> 01:24:53,152 Cool, yeah... 1903 01:24:53,186 --> 01:24:54,654 Just don't be late bro... 1904 01:24:54,687 --> 01:24:55,855 - Yeah, for sure, I'm out. - I've got a ton 1905 01:24:55,888 --> 01:24:57,056 of other shit, man, I'm telling you. 1906 01:24:58,590 --> 01:25:00,860 Mary, actually, after the show the other night, 1907 01:25:00,893 --> 01:25:02,394 asked me if I wanted to get dinner. 1908 01:25:02,427 --> 01:25:03,896 And I told her I could, 1909 01:25:03,930 --> 01:25:06,531 but I would potentially need to borrow your car, 1910 01:25:06,565 --> 01:25:07,867 if that was okay. But, 1911 01:25:07,900 --> 01:25:09,401 it would like be proving to her 1912 01:25:09,434 --> 01:25:12,471 like I'm putting my feet in the right direction. 1913 01:25:12,504 --> 01:25:14,707 If I let you borrow my car tomorrow, 1914 01:25:14,741 --> 01:25:18,543 you have to promise me that you'll have it back by 9:00 PM. 1915 01:25:18,577 --> 01:25:21,346 Because Dante and Amir, they both have shows tomorrow 1916 01:25:21,379 --> 01:25:24,382 and I need somebody here to help me make sure 1917 01:25:24,416 --> 01:25:26,585 that this fundraiser goes off without a hitch, bro. 1918 01:25:26,618 --> 01:25:27,887 - Yeah, done, yeah. - Okay, 1919 01:25:27,920 --> 01:25:29,554 I'm serious Arnold, because I mean, 1920 01:25:29,588 --> 01:25:32,225 I swear, with all those guys gone and doing other things, 1921 01:25:32,257 --> 01:25:34,060 I mean, I'm really under the gun and I just... 1922 01:25:34,093 --> 01:25:36,328 It's gonna be chaos, and I need you to help me control it. 1923 01:25:36,361 --> 01:25:38,263 - I'll be there. - Okay. 1924 01:25:38,296 --> 01:25:39,732 - You're stealing our spots. 1925 01:25:39,766 --> 01:25:41,868 How the fuck are they your spots? 1926 01:25:41,901 --> 01:25:43,401 Whoever fucking called it? 1927 01:25:43,435 --> 01:25:45,037 You don't know what the shit I'm going through. 1928 01:25:45,071 --> 01:25:46,538 You guys wake up in your comfy fucking beds 1929 01:25:46,571 --> 01:25:48,573 while I'm sleeping in a fucking van. 1930 01:25:48,607 --> 01:25:51,210 I mean, maybe if you guys grew some fucking balls... 1931 01:25:51,244 --> 01:25:53,012 You don't have the balls. 1932 01:25:53,045 --> 01:25:57,183 You just came in with your ability to deep throat. I'm out. 1933 01:25:59,218 --> 01:26:00,485 Fuck you. 1934 01:26:01,821 --> 01:26:04,389 - Hey! You didn't pay for your shit. - Arnold got it. 1935 01:26:04,422 --> 01:26:06,125 Oh, no, Arnold won't. 1936 01:26:09,494 --> 01:26:11,296 - So what's up? - I don't know. 1937 01:26:11,329 --> 01:26:12,865 I guess I'm just trying to, uh, 1938 01:26:12,899 --> 01:26:14,700 control all the rage inside that wants 1939 01:26:14,734 --> 01:26:16,235 to kick your initiative-taking balls. 1940 01:26:16,269 --> 01:26:17,737 I don't get the big deal. 1941 01:26:17,770 --> 01:26:19,272 I'm trying to take a job to actually make something 1942 01:26:19,304 --> 01:26:20,605 of this fucking comedy thing. 1943 01:26:20,640 --> 01:26:22,474 I mean you both should fucking try it. 1944 01:26:22,507 --> 01:26:24,076 Really? 1945 01:26:24,110 --> 01:26:27,113 What are you, the tall, white, fat Kevin Hart now? 1946 01:26:27,146 --> 01:26:30,817 You can get one gig, and you think you're making moves? 1947 01:26:30,850 --> 01:26:32,051 Fuck you. 1948 01:26:32,084 --> 01:26:33,653 Move, get the fuck out my way. 1949 01:26:33,686 --> 01:26:34,887 Wow. 1950 01:26:35,922 --> 01:26:40,559 Well, I need a fucking drink. 1951 01:26:40,592 --> 01:26:41,961 Yeah, they, uh... they do mimosas here. 1952 01:26:41,994 --> 01:26:43,229 Yeah, I'm gonna have to fucking order it? 1953 01:26:43,262 --> 01:26:44,730 Where's your fucking fake ID, huh? 1954 01:26:44,764 --> 01:26:46,398 Yeah, you're clowning on me. how you fucking like it? 1955 01:26:46,431 --> 01:26:48,935 I have my card, so I'll buy. 1956 01:26:48,968 --> 01:26:50,402 No, I don't have my ID. 1957 01:26:50,435 --> 01:26:52,238 That shit fell through. 1958 01:26:52,271 --> 01:26:55,074 What's the deal, are you fucking pissed at me too? 1959 01:26:55,107 --> 01:26:56,976 - Like seriously? - Bro... 1960 01:26:57,009 --> 01:27:00,146 Was it a dick move to do what you did? Yes. 1961 01:27:00,179 --> 01:27:02,248 Are you undeserving of that spot? 1962 01:27:02,281 --> 01:27:03,850 No question. 1963 01:27:03,883 --> 01:27:05,818 Are you backstabbing everybody that you met out here 1964 01:27:05,852 --> 01:27:07,485 in your time of need? 1965 01:27:07,519 --> 01:27:08,688 Undoubtedly. 1966 01:27:09,822 --> 01:27:12,758 - Is it ridiculous to... - All right, I get it, dude. 1967 01:27:12,792 --> 01:27:15,995 No, no. But I... I feel you, bro. 1968 01:27:16,028 --> 01:27:18,097 Sometimes you gotta do desperate shit. 1969 01:27:18,130 --> 01:27:20,199 All right, I'm getting us fucking drunk. 1970 01:27:20,233 --> 01:27:21,901 Bottomless, please. 1971 01:27:23,035 --> 01:27:24,971 Grapefruit, not orange. 1972 01:27:25,004 --> 01:27:27,640 ♪ I wanna ride you ♪ 1973 01:27:27,673 --> 01:27:30,109 ♪ I want, I want, I want, I-I-I-I ♪ 1974 01:27:35,248 --> 01:27:37,116 ♪ I wanna ride you ♪ 1975 01:27:39,151 --> 01:27:41,721 ♪ Baby ♪ 1976 01:27:41,754 --> 01:27:44,456 ♪ Got truth, want tru... ♪ 1977 01:27:44,489 --> 01:27:47,525 Oh! Oh! Whoa! 1978 01:27:48,094 --> 01:27:50,363 Oh! Oh no! No! 1979 01:28:05,378 --> 01:28:06,611 Fuck. 1980 01:28:13,518 --> 01:28:15,087 Griff, you're hosting tonight. 1981 01:28:16,088 --> 01:28:17,390 Yeah, take this. 1982 01:28:17,422 --> 01:28:18,758 Ah, fuck. 1983 01:28:18,791 --> 01:28:20,226 I'm hosting tonight? 1984 01:28:20,259 --> 01:28:22,261 - Yep. Arnold was supposed to be here. - Why? 1985 01:28:22,295 --> 01:28:24,030 I don't know where he is. He should have been here by now. 1986 01:28:24,063 --> 01:28:25,331 I don't know what's going on. 1987 01:28:25,364 --> 01:28:26,431 I would have thought you would have thrown 1988 01:28:26,464 --> 01:28:27,934 every single chair in the room 1989 01:28:27,967 --> 01:28:30,602 when you found out that he bailed because of the gig. 1990 01:28:30,636 --> 01:28:32,570 - Gig? He's on a date. - Date? 1991 01:28:32,604 --> 01:28:34,240 Amir lost his spot at The Store 1992 01:28:34,273 --> 01:28:36,108 And he took it. Like an asshole. 1993 01:28:36,142 --> 01:28:37,877 We gave him shit for it. Check it out. 1994 01:28:37,910 --> 01:28:40,279 Kyle, I'm sure he'll be here after his betrayal. 1995 01:28:40,313 --> 01:28:42,882 I don't know, man. You know, he was drinking a lot. 1996 01:28:42,915 --> 01:28:44,449 Like, a lot. 1997 01:28:44,482 --> 01:28:46,686 What do you mean by a lot? What the hell is going on here? 1998 01:28:46,719 --> 01:28:47,887 - Too much. - Kyle? 1999 01:28:47,920 --> 01:28:49,989 Have you met Arnold? 2000 01:28:50,890 --> 01:28:52,224 Your car's probably in the impound 2001 01:28:52,258 --> 01:28:54,060 with him sleeping in it right now. 2002 01:28:54,093 --> 01:28:57,863 There is no way that Arnold is that freaking stupid, man. 2003 01:28:57,897 --> 01:29:00,132 Oh my God. He knows that that would totally tank 2004 01:29:00,166 --> 01:29:01,701 our renewal fund, man. 2005 01:29:01,734 --> 01:29:04,136 He knows that, right? 2006 01:29:04,170 --> 01:29:05,371 Right? 2007 01:29:19,752 --> 01:29:21,354 Maybe just throw one chair? 2008 01:29:28,794 --> 01:29:30,796 I just want to know, like... 2009 01:29:30,830 --> 01:29:33,265 what I should do... 2010 01:29:33,299 --> 01:29:35,634 to be more... funny. 2011 01:29:35,668 --> 01:29:37,569 More funny than you are now? 2012 01:29:37,602 --> 01:29:40,505 Most funny in like two months, so I could headline. 2013 01:29:40,538 --> 01:29:43,309 Maybe the comedy club, like The J Spot or 2014 01:29:43,342 --> 01:29:44,777 - The Store, or anything. - Wow, yeah. 2015 01:29:44,810 --> 01:29:46,145 I feel like, in greatness, 2016 01:29:46,178 --> 01:29:48,347 you should always just push the boundaries. 2017 01:29:48,381 --> 01:29:50,750 - I feel like I'm close. - You are very close, Chad. 2018 01:29:50,783 --> 01:29:53,152 - Just Chet, bro. - Chet, sorry about that. 2019 01:29:53,185 --> 01:29:54,687 Be yourself, you know what I mean? 2020 01:29:54,720 --> 01:29:56,822 You gotta be honest. It's about truth, honesty... 2021 01:29:56,856 --> 01:29:59,358 - be yourself. - Is this bandana honest? 2022 01:29:59,392 --> 01:30:01,460 Now step two is a lot harder than step one. 2023 01:30:01,494 --> 01:30:02,762 That's step one. 2024 01:30:02,795 --> 01:30:04,296 Without step one, there's no step two. 2025 01:30:04,330 --> 01:30:05,965 But step two, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. 2026 01:30:05,998 --> 01:30:07,133 Do you want me to... 2027 01:30:07,166 --> 01:30:08,667 No, come close. I'm gonna tell you. 2028 01:30:08,701 --> 01:30:10,703 - What, closer? - Listen, it's a fucking secret. Okay, 2029 01:30:10,736 --> 01:30:13,506 Step two, in this process, 2030 01:30:13,538 --> 01:30:16,475 is... when you leave here today... 2031 01:30:16,509 --> 01:30:18,044 - Okay. - I want you to get into your car... 2032 01:30:18,077 --> 01:30:20,012 - I can do this. - Turn on the car. 2033 01:30:20,046 --> 01:30:21,180 Okay. 2034 01:30:21,213 --> 01:30:24,549 - Drive home... - Eco mode or sport mode? 2035 01:30:24,582 --> 01:30:27,319 - Eco mode, of course. - Okay. 2036 01:30:27,353 --> 01:30:30,990 One mile per hour over the speed limit 2037 01:30:31,023 --> 01:30:32,391 to wherever it is that you live. 2038 01:30:32,425 --> 01:30:34,994 - That's badass. - Okay? 2039 01:30:35,027 --> 01:30:37,196 When you get home, I want you to get onto your bed 2040 01:30:37,229 --> 01:30:40,699 and I want you to meditate for 20 minutes. 2041 01:30:40,733 --> 01:30:42,068 - So right up my alley. - Okay? 2042 01:30:42,101 --> 01:30:43,502 I can so do that. 2043 01:30:43,536 --> 01:30:48,207 To the following mantra, repeated after me. 2044 01:30:48,874 --> 01:30:51,210 - Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya. - Okay. 2045 01:30:51,243 --> 01:30:54,046 Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya. 2046 01:30:54,080 --> 01:30:56,482 Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya. 2047 01:30:56,515 --> 01:30:59,085 - I kinda like it, okay. - Hi-yi-yi-ya, ya-yi-ya. 2048 01:30:59,118 --> 01:31:02,054 - Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi... - Hi-yi-yi-ya, hey ya. 2049 01:31:02,088 --> 01:31:06,325 At that point, I want you to take two weeks off. 2050 01:31:06,358 --> 01:31:07,560 Okay. 2051 01:31:07,592 --> 01:31:10,429 And then never do standup comedy again. 2052 01:31:10,463 --> 01:31:11,897 - Okay. - All right? 2053 01:31:11,931 --> 01:31:13,766 Thank you, David. 2054 01:31:13,799 --> 01:31:15,501 - Thank you, Chet. - Great job up there. 2055 01:31:15,534 --> 01:31:16,601 Very nice work. 2056 01:31:16,635 --> 01:31:18,370 - And... - Chet, Chad, Chet? 2057 01:31:18,404 --> 01:31:21,540 - Chet. Just Chet. - Chet, just Chet. 2058 01:31:21,574 --> 01:31:24,577 All right, cool. I'll see you guys later on my journey. 2059 01:31:24,609 --> 01:31:27,179 Okay, all right. And the bandana looks great. 2060 01:31:27,213 --> 01:31:28,414 Thank you. 2061 01:31:29,248 --> 01:31:31,083 - Wow. - Oh my God. 2062 01:31:31,117 --> 01:31:32,351 Hi. 2063 01:31:32,384 --> 01:31:34,420 Where have you been? Where have you been? 2064 01:31:34,453 --> 01:31:36,422 You leave me here with these people? Where have you been? 2065 01:31:36,455 --> 01:31:39,091 Yeah, I feel really bad about that. 2066 01:31:39,125 --> 01:31:40,493 Oh my God. 2067 01:31:41,626 --> 01:31:43,896 - So how's business? - Business is good! 2068 01:31:43,929 --> 01:31:45,965 Comedy sucks. I actually had a little trouble 2069 01:31:45,998 --> 01:31:47,366 getting all the seats filled this week. 2070 01:31:47,399 --> 01:31:48,567 Oh, I wonder why. 2071 01:31:48,601 --> 01:31:50,703 Yeah, mainly because nobody wants 2072 01:31:50,736 --> 01:31:52,204 to watch people bomb for an hour 2073 01:31:52,238 --> 01:31:54,707 and then come up there and eat shit themselves. Yeah. 2074 01:31:54,740 --> 01:31:56,108 That's pretty much it. 2075 01:31:56,142 --> 01:31:58,611 Speaking of bombing, uh... 2076 01:31:58,644 --> 01:32:00,813 - anybody from the crew ever stop by? - Oh... 2077 01:32:00,846 --> 01:32:04,483 Hell no. I wish. That's why it's so good to see you. 2078 01:32:04,517 --> 01:32:06,552 Dante and Amir are on tour. 2079 01:32:06,585 --> 01:32:08,787 Devontae is hosting J Spot. 2080 01:32:08,821 --> 01:32:12,391 I would suck a pirate's asshole just to hear Kyle 2081 01:32:12,424 --> 01:32:14,326 talk about having sex with his sister, man. 2082 01:32:14,360 --> 01:32:15,794 - Oh, no, oh, not good. - That's how bad it is. 2083 01:32:15,828 --> 01:32:18,764 That's how bad it is. Oh my God. 2084 01:32:18,797 --> 01:32:21,100 Why did you quit? 2085 01:32:21,133 --> 01:32:22,968 I... ugh. 2086 01:32:23,002 --> 01:32:25,771 I think I realized that, uh, 2087 01:32:25,804 --> 01:32:27,439 I dunno, I missed my window. 2088 01:32:27,473 --> 01:32:28,774 - Oh my God. - I kinda aged out. 2089 01:32:28,807 --> 01:32:30,809 Oh, shut up. That's the biggest pile 2090 01:32:30,843 --> 01:32:33,112 of eagle shit I've ever heard in my life. 2091 01:32:33,145 --> 01:32:35,915 Nelly, why did you even get into this in the first place? 2092 01:32:35,948 --> 01:32:37,750 You aged out, get the fuck... 2093 01:32:37,783 --> 01:32:42,054 You know why? To make people laugh or cry. 2094 01:32:42,087 --> 01:32:43,622 Both, if I could have it my way. 2095 01:32:43,657 --> 01:32:45,624 Oh my God, that's the thing with you young fucks. 2096 01:32:45,659 --> 01:32:47,526 You know, you just want everything right now, you know? 2097 01:32:47,560 --> 01:32:49,628 You can't just wait another year. 2098 01:32:49,663 --> 01:32:52,666 It's what... You know, you gotta put the time in, come on. 2099 01:32:52,698 --> 01:32:55,968 Dave, I'm like two years younger than you. 2100 01:32:56,001 --> 01:32:57,803 Oh. Well, in that case, 2101 01:32:57,836 --> 01:32:59,772 I'm surprised it took you this long to quit. 2102 01:32:59,805 --> 01:33:01,540 Jesus Christ, what are you doing with your life? 2103 01:33:01,574 --> 01:33:03,042 I do miss it though. 2104 01:33:03,075 --> 01:33:04,644 Yeah, I know you do. That's why you're here. 2105 01:33:04,678 --> 01:33:05,945 - I missed you. - Come here. 2106 01:33:05,978 --> 01:33:08,147 All right. All right. Aw. 2107 01:33:08,180 --> 01:33:09,281 Can I do five? 2108 01:33:09,315 --> 01:33:10,883 - Yes, go! - Thank you. 2109 01:33:11,984 --> 01:33:14,753 Ladies, don't let the patriarchy fool you. 2110 01:33:15,387 --> 01:33:17,657 We could step into brothels too. 2111 01:33:17,691 --> 01:33:20,226 Next time you're in Brazil, I need you to go 2112 01:33:20,259 --> 01:33:22,494 to La Casa de Big Platanos 2113 01:33:22,528 --> 01:33:26,799 and you're gonna request Senor Rico Gustavo Santiago. 2114 01:33:26,832 --> 01:33:29,168 You're gonna request the number three. 2115 01:33:29,201 --> 01:33:30,803 You won't regret it. 2116 01:33:30,836 --> 01:33:32,838 It's like... 2117 01:33:32,871 --> 01:33:35,642 taking a ride on the Magic School Bus. 2118 01:33:35,675 --> 01:33:37,509 Can't fucking wait to go back. 2119 01:33:39,111 --> 01:33:41,313 I mean the first time I got molly, I got it from my mom. 2120 01:33:41,347 --> 01:33:44,250 We were rolling together, and when we do drug deals, 2121 01:33:44,283 --> 01:33:46,518 it's not like that awkward, like, 2122 01:33:46,552 --> 01:33:49,989 "Oh my God," like drug-deal conversation. 2123 01:33:50,022 --> 01:33:51,725 "How was your day?" Ugh. 2124 01:33:51,757 --> 01:33:54,893 All we do is talk about who's gonna do the dishes. 2125 01:33:55,861 --> 01:33:58,264 I loved your set. Oh my God. 2126 01:33:58,297 --> 01:34:01,600 The Casa to Ponte Nino's? Oh my God. 2127 01:34:01,635 --> 01:34:04,603 I wasn't gonna do this, but I just have to ask, okay? 2128 01:34:04,638 --> 01:34:07,707 I am starting my own all-female standup troupe, 2129 01:34:07,741 --> 01:34:10,042 and we're just gonna be touring like West Coast, 2130 01:34:10,075 --> 01:34:11,711 all along the Pacific coast trail. 2131 01:34:11,745 --> 01:34:16,282 It's gonna be so pretty, and it's, you know, not paid. 2132 01:34:16,315 --> 01:34:18,417 But all expenses are covered, 2133 01:34:18,450 --> 01:34:21,186 and our girl just like totally ditched us last minute. 2134 01:34:21,220 --> 01:34:22,656 And so we're just trying to fill in the spot 2135 01:34:22,689 --> 01:34:24,724 and I think you'd be such a good addition. 2136 01:34:24,758 --> 01:34:27,727 Oh my God, just, do you wanna, like, check it out? 2137 01:34:27,761 --> 01:34:31,096 The tour is called "Yo Ga Girl Tour." 2138 01:34:31,130 --> 01:34:32,931 Isn't it cute? I came up with it myself. 2139 01:34:32,965 --> 01:34:35,601 It's like, you know, "You go, girl." Yeah. 2140 01:34:35,635 --> 01:34:38,070 - Yeah, I get it. I get it. - Yeah, you get it? Okay, so, 2141 01:34:38,103 --> 01:34:39,739 We actually like booked a shaman 2142 01:34:39,773 --> 01:34:41,140 like straight from Peru, right? 2143 01:34:41,173 --> 01:34:42,642 He's gonna bring some Ayahuasca. 2144 01:34:42,676 --> 01:34:44,209 We really want to get in touch with our funny bones. 2145 01:34:44,243 --> 01:34:45,779 Because you know, all comedians, especially fe... 2146 01:34:45,811 --> 01:34:47,279 Yeah, you can take my number down. 2147 01:34:47,313 --> 01:34:48,614 Wait, wait. Really? 2148 01:34:48,648 --> 01:34:50,717 Yeah, yeah. Please just stop talking. 2149 01:34:50,750 --> 01:34:53,485 I feel like dogs are kinda like kids. 2150 01:34:55,020 --> 01:34:58,157 Yeah, nice. Nice. That, um... 2151 01:34:58,190 --> 01:35:01,093 Give it up again for um... 2152 01:35:01,126 --> 01:35:02,394 I don't rem... I don't actu... 2153 01:35:02,428 --> 01:35:04,798 I don't know who... Yeah, who cares? 2154 01:35:04,830 --> 01:35:08,067 I'm not even really sorry y'all. I... This is... 2155 01:35:08,100 --> 01:35:09,468 I can't believe y'all keep having me come here 2156 01:35:09,501 --> 01:35:11,170 for this shit. You keep this going. 2157 01:35:11,203 --> 01:35:12,304 Hopefully you got some drinks. 2158 01:35:12,338 --> 01:35:13,673 I think you did. Some of you did, 2159 01:35:13,707 --> 01:35:15,107 'cause I heard some people were laughing. 2160 01:35:15,140 --> 01:35:16,408 There really wasn't shit to laugh about 2161 01:35:16,442 --> 01:35:18,243 the whole night. At all. 2162 01:35:18,277 --> 01:35:20,012 None... They shit ain't funny. 2163 01:35:20,946 --> 01:35:24,249 So... Fuck you for having me. 2164 01:35:26,285 --> 01:35:28,487 Do you wanna... Wanna grab your stuff? 2165 01:35:28,520 --> 01:35:30,155 Yeah, that would be great. Thank you. 2166 01:35:30,189 --> 01:35:33,158 I have it... here in a bag. 2167 01:35:33,192 --> 01:35:35,795 - so you can just... - Oh, my God. Thank you. 2168 01:35:35,829 --> 01:35:38,030 It's all ready to go. 2169 01:35:38,063 --> 01:35:40,099 I don't know if you wanna go through it, or... 2170 01:35:40,132 --> 01:35:42,935 - Eh, seems pretty good. - All there? 2171 01:35:45,404 --> 01:35:46,605 Is that everything? 2172 01:35:47,473 --> 01:35:49,108 Stay right here. You reminded me. 2173 01:35:51,711 --> 01:35:53,112 Do you... 2174 01:35:54,413 --> 01:35:57,049 - Oh my God. - Still play? 2175 01:36:01,086 --> 01:36:03,857 It's been, um... 2176 01:36:03,889 --> 01:36:07,226 - It's been years. - It's something that maybe you... 2177 01:36:07,259 --> 01:36:08,994 - pick back up, Dave. - Thank you. 2178 01:36:09,027 --> 01:36:10,295 - Yeah. - Yeah. 2179 01:36:10,329 --> 01:36:12,164 Yeah. 2180 01:36:12,197 --> 01:36:16,135 And, I'm sorry, too. You know... I mean... I've been, uh... 2181 01:36:16,168 --> 01:36:19,071 I've been such a big baby about this whole thing. I... 2182 01:36:19,104 --> 01:36:20,840 Literally, say no more. 2183 01:36:20,874 --> 01:36:22,508 - Oh my God. - You're fine. 2184 01:36:22,541 --> 01:36:23,976 I... No, thank you. And I... 2185 01:36:24,009 --> 01:36:25,879 You're fine. 2186 01:36:25,911 --> 01:36:28,681 Are you, uh... Are you... Are you good? 2187 01:36:28,715 --> 01:36:31,216 - Yeah, I'm taking care of myself. - Good. 2188 01:36:33,218 --> 01:36:34,721 All right. 2189 01:36:34,754 --> 01:36:36,856 You got the... You ready? 2190 01:36:36,890 --> 01:36:38,691 I don't think that comes off, Dad. 2191 01:36:38,725 --> 01:36:41,493 - Huh? - I jus... I... Nothing. 2192 01:36:41,527 --> 01:36:43,897 I think I almost got it. I need the uh... 2193 01:36:43,929 --> 01:36:47,032 Could you get me the number four outta my bag? 2194 01:36:47,065 --> 01:36:50,402 Please, 'cause I think we're almost there. 2195 01:36:50,436 --> 01:36:51,704 A number four. 2196 01:36:51,738 --> 01:36:53,740 - Roman numeral? - No, nevermind. 2197 01:36:53,773 --> 01:36:56,676 There's only alphabet letters, Dad. There's no numbers. 2198 01:36:56,709 --> 01:36:58,912 Okay, okay. That's all right, I got it. 2199 01:36:58,944 --> 01:37:00,713 Okay, Arnie, let's... 2200 01:37:00,747 --> 01:37:02,715 - Let's give it a shot, okay? - Okay. 2201 01:37:02,749 --> 01:37:04,316 - Give it a try. - All right. 2202 01:37:04,983 --> 01:37:06,051 Nope, nope, oh... 2203 01:37:06,084 --> 01:37:07,186 - There we go. - There it goes. 2204 01:37:07,219 --> 01:37:08,721 I didn't flip the switch. 2205 01:37:08,755 --> 01:37:11,190 - So it's fixed. - All right. 2206 01:37:11,223 --> 01:37:12,692 All right, good job. 2207 01:37:12,725 --> 01:37:13,860 Good job. 2208 01:37:15,762 --> 01:37:18,798 Got a little something here for you. 2209 01:37:18,832 --> 01:37:20,132 Yeah? Ah. 2210 01:37:20,165 --> 01:37:21,768 - Here you go. - Thank you. 2211 01:37:21,801 --> 01:37:23,569 Needed that. 2212 01:37:23,602 --> 01:37:24,904 All this hard work I'm doing. 2213 01:37:24,938 --> 01:37:26,305 Yeah. 2214 01:37:26,739 --> 01:37:27,941 I, uh... 2215 01:37:28,808 --> 01:37:31,109 I got you something for your birthday next month. 2216 01:37:31,143 --> 01:37:34,814 Your mother said it would be on my email here. 2217 01:37:34,848 --> 01:37:36,148 Yeah? 2218 01:37:36,181 --> 01:37:39,786 Ah. Okay... Just, just go ahead and... 2219 01:37:41,754 --> 01:37:43,723 Oh. 2220 01:37:43,756 --> 01:37:45,390 Did we get it right? 2221 01:37:45,424 --> 01:37:48,293 Your mother said you, you were in a show with this guy. 2222 01:37:48,327 --> 01:37:49,662 Yeah. 2223 01:37:50,996 --> 01:37:55,267 Yeah, I did. That's, uh... That's really cool, Dad. 2224 01:37:55,300 --> 01:37:56,803 Uh, thanks. 2225 01:37:58,838 --> 01:38:03,776 You look like I just invited you to a damn funeral. 2226 01:38:03,810 --> 01:38:05,945 I don't know, I just, 2227 01:38:05,979 --> 01:38:07,780 I kinda miss it pretty bad, that's all. 2228 01:38:07,814 --> 01:38:11,851 No, you know, well. Standup is not my world, 2229 01:38:11,885 --> 01:38:16,154 but you know, LA does not own comedy. 2230 01:38:16,188 --> 01:38:17,523 Mm-hmm. 2231 01:38:17,556 --> 01:38:19,926 If you miss making people laugh, 2232 01:38:19,959 --> 01:38:22,127 well, then, then do it. 2233 01:38:22,160 --> 01:38:24,029 You could do it anywhere. 2234 01:38:24,062 --> 01:38:27,165 - Yeah, yeah. Technically you're right. - Yeah, of course I'm right. 2235 01:38:27,199 --> 01:38:30,269 You make me laugh. Every time you climb the ladder. 2236 01:38:31,537 --> 01:38:32,805 God. 2237 01:38:32,839 --> 01:38:36,843 "Oh! Ohh!" 2238 01:38:38,243 --> 01:38:42,114 I got an idea. Why don't you give this guy a call? 2239 01:38:42,147 --> 01:38:44,984 Say you're in town. Oh! You know what'll happen? 2240 01:38:45,018 --> 01:38:47,152 I've seen this happen all the time on TV. 2241 01:38:47,185 --> 01:38:50,023 He calls you up from the audience. 2242 01:38:50,055 --> 01:38:52,792 You go up on stage. And you do a couple of bits. 2243 01:38:52,825 --> 01:38:55,728 Wow. I think... I think you're right. 2244 01:38:55,762 --> 01:38:56,996 Maybe his agent will be there 2245 01:38:57,030 --> 01:38:58,330 and I can get signed by him too! 2246 01:38:58,363 --> 01:38:59,699 - Yes! Yes! - Oh my God. 2247 01:38:59,732 --> 01:39:01,734 You're so right, Dad. That's genius. 2248 01:39:01,768 --> 01:39:03,135 Back to Hollywood. 2249 01:39:03,168 --> 01:39:04,403 Back to Hollywood, there you go. 2250 01:39:04,436 --> 01:39:06,873 - Back to Hollywood. - Oh my God, Dad. 2251 01:39:06,906 --> 01:39:08,641 Love you, but Jesus. 2252 01:39:08,675 --> 01:39:10,009 But when it came down to it, 2253 01:39:10,043 --> 01:39:11,343 I wanted to see what them titties do, so I said 2254 01:39:11,376 --> 01:39:14,681 "roll 'em on out and roll 'em back up," you know? 2255 01:39:14,714 --> 01:39:16,015 All right, let's keep it going 2256 01:39:16,049 --> 01:39:17,684 for your next comic coming to the stage. 2257 01:39:17,717 --> 01:39:19,986 His name is Jared. Everyone give it up for Jared. 2258 01:39:21,054 --> 01:39:23,656 Yeah, come on, Jared. You're up. 2259 01:39:23,690 --> 01:39:24,924 Here you go, man. 2260 01:39:24,958 --> 01:39:26,592 Thanks, man. Thank you. Thank you. 2261 01:39:26,625 --> 01:39:29,561 So, uh, you know, I celebrated uh... 2262 01:39:29,595 --> 01:39:31,530 there being no, uh, drug overdoses 2263 01:39:31,563 --> 01:39:35,835 with a celebratory beer and some oxies. 2264 01:39:35,868 --> 01:39:38,905 Some oxies. Um... That's everything I got. 2265 01:39:38,938 --> 01:39:41,007 Thank you so much, guys. Appreciate it. 2266 01:39:44,443 --> 01:39:46,445 Eh, you know who I think 2267 01:39:46,478 --> 01:39:48,447 is the biggest piece of shit on Earth? 2268 01:39:48,480 --> 01:39:51,583 That guy that picks the neighborhood whore 2269 01:39:51,617 --> 01:39:53,052 and makes that his girlfriend. 2270 01:39:53,086 --> 01:39:54,954 Why would you do that? That's so selfish. 2271 01:39:54,988 --> 01:39:56,254 That's locking yourself inside 2272 01:39:56,288 --> 01:39:58,123 Hometown Buffet and there's a bunch 2273 01:39:58,156 --> 01:40:00,727 of starving people outside, why would you do that? 2274 01:40:00,760 --> 01:40:02,095 You selfish motherfucker. 2275 01:40:07,299 --> 01:40:10,302 Yeah, man. You remember the old saying? 2276 01:40:10,335 --> 01:40:13,006 Don't turn... You can't turn a ho into a housewife. 2277 01:40:14,139 --> 01:40:15,207 It seems like you guys have lost 2278 01:40:15,240 --> 01:40:17,810 that saying in this generation. 2279 01:40:17,844 --> 01:40:19,378 He was gonna kick me out anyway. 2280 01:40:19,411 --> 01:40:20,713 I... I fucking left before... 2281 01:40:20,747 --> 01:40:22,081 You don't know that. 2282 01:40:22,115 --> 01:40:24,083 You just assumed that he would. 2283 01:40:24,117 --> 01:40:26,151 How did you know that he was gonna kick you out? 2284 01:40:26,184 --> 01:40:28,453 How do you know that? You know what, you know what? 2285 01:40:28,487 --> 01:40:30,089 I don't need to fucking listen to this shit, man. 2286 01:40:30,123 --> 01:40:31,556 Yes, you do. You know what? 2287 01:40:31,590 --> 01:40:33,225 We didn't even think you were that good. 2288 01:40:33,258 --> 01:40:35,061 We just liked you because we thought you were a good guy. 2289 01:40:35,094 --> 01:40:36,328 And you know what kills me? 2290 01:40:36,361 --> 01:40:38,831 You know what fucking kills me inside? 2291 01:40:38,865 --> 01:40:40,633 It kills me that I open 2292 01:40:40,667 --> 01:40:42,334 for one of the biggest comedians in the world 2293 01:40:42,367 --> 01:40:45,838 and I'm calling you back over and over again. 2294 01:40:45,872 --> 01:40:47,640 You fucking cocksucker. 2295 01:40:47,674 --> 01:40:48,975 What the fuck? 2296 01:40:52,145 --> 01:40:53,445 Yeah, you're right. 2297 01:40:53,478 --> 01:40:57,950 I avoid all my problems. I always have. 2298 01:40:57,984 --> 01:41:00,352 Thank you for letting me know that's something 2299 01:41:00,385 --> 01:41:01,654 I already fucking know, man. 2300 01:41:01,688 --> 01:41:03,956 You can't run forever. 2301 01:41:03,990 --> 01:41:07,093 And then you ran from people that embraced you. 2302 01:41:07,126 --> 01:41:10,029 What kind of fucking shit is that? 2303 01:41:10,063 --> 01:41:11,864 Okay, I fucked up. 2304 01:41:12,732 --> 01:41:14,934 You're damn right. 2305 01:41:14,967 --> 01:41:17,770 But at least... At least you learned a valuable lesson. 2306 01:41:20,006 --> 01:41:21,674 Okay. Which is what? 2307 01:41:21,708 --> 01:41:23,375 To never do that shit again. 2308 01:41:23,408 --> 01:41:25,277 And to go back up again tomorrow. 2309 01:41:33,251 --> 01:41:35,121 Oh, God. Come here, man. Gimme a hug. 2310 01:41:35,154 --> 01:41:37,222 You fucked up, so you get up, you come here. 2311 01:41:37,255 --> 01:41:38,623 Come on. Come here. 2312 01:41:38,658 --> 01:41:39,892 Come here, come here, come here, come here. 2313 01:41:39,926 --> 01:41:41,060 - This is weird. - Yeah, I know. 2314 01:41:41,094 --> 01:41:42,561 So what, it's only us here. 2315 01:41:42,594 --> 01:41:44,697 - You know what would make you feel better? - What? 2316 01:41:44,731 --> 01:41:46,833 If you suck my dick a little bit. 2317 01:41:46,866 --> 01:41:48,668 - Okay, oh my God. - Come on, come on. 2318 01:41:48,701 --> 01:41:50,703 Do you know what they call my dick? The Little Weinstein. 2319 01:41:50,737 --> 01:41:52,071 - All right. - It creates headliners. 2320 01:41:52,105 --> 01:41:53,673 Yup. Okay, I'm outta here. 2321 01:41:53,706 --> 01:41:55,041 Come on, let me just Weinstein your mouth. 2322 01:41:55,074 --> 01:41:56,241 All right. 2323 01:41:57,944 --> 01:42:00,747 He deserves it. He deserves it, not the president. 2324 01:42:00,780 --> 01:42:02,815 You know? Fuck, he's got a mansion, 2325 01:42:02,849 --> 01:42:04,183 he's got the private cook. 2326 01:42:04,217 --> 01:42:05,918 I would do the job just for those things 2327 01:42:05,952 --> 01:42:07,352 with no money at all. 2328 01:42:07,385 --> 01:42:10,056 I mean, it's not that hard of a choice anyways. 2329 01:42:10,089 --> 01:42:12,892 Oh my God, is that who I think it is? 2330 01:42:12,925 --> 01:42:14,426 Is that Arnold? 2331 01:42:14,459 --> 01:42:16,062 What the hell are you doing here right now, man? 2332 01:42:16,095 --> 01:42:18,030 I'm sorry. 2333 01:42:18,064 --> 01:42:19,832 You're... You... I hope you're sorry. 2334 01:42:19,866 --> 01:42:22,101 Who'd like to hear Arnold apologize, guys? 2335 01:42:22,135 --> 01:42:24,103 Come up here and tell everybody that you're sorry. 2336 01:42:24,137 --> 01:42:25,337 No, just come up here. 2337 01:42:25,370 --> 01:42:27,173 - You're sorry? - Come on! 2338 01:42:27,206 --> 01:42:28,573 Let's get your apology here. 2339 01:42:28,607 --> 01:42:30,509 All right, I'm gonna go sit over here 2340 01:42:30,542 --> 01:42:32,779 and I'm gonna fucking be your audience, all right. 2341 01:42:32,812 --> 01:42:34,513 Arnold Wilson, guys. Thank you. 2342 01:42:36,249 --> 01:42:38,316 Apologize, bitch. 2343 01:42:39,284 --> 01:42:41,220 So, uh... 2344 01:42:41,254 --> 01:42:45,290 I did a, uh, fucked up thing to Mr. Dave. 2345 01:42:45,323 --> 01:42:49,361 - And I got his car impounded. - What a dick. 2346 01:42:49,394 --> 01:42:51,864 For getting my third fucking DUI. 2347 01:42:51,898 --> 01:42:55,701 And, uh, I ran away so that I wouldn't have to... 2348 01:42:57,402 --> 01:42:59,038 hear about it. 2349 01:42:59,071 --> 01:43:02,574 And this is the first time I've seen him since that. 2350 01:43:02,607 --> 01:43:06,212 And I am here to say from the bottom 2351 01:43:06,245 --> 01:43:09,782 of my ice-cold, shallow heart that... 2352 01:43:09,816 --> 01:43:12,084 I fucked up and I am sorry. 2353 01:43:12,118 --> 01:43:14,287 That's not loud enough, Arnold. 2354 01:43:14,319 --> 01:43:16,354 I fucked up. 2355 01:43:16,388 --> 01:43:18,224 I'm fucking sorry. 2356 01:43:18,257 --> 01:43:20,660 And I will never fucking do that shit again. 2357 01:43:20,693 --> 01:43:22,594 - Louder, Arnold! - I didn't hear you. 2358 01:43:22,627 --> 01:43:24,396 I'm terribly sorry for being 2359 01:43:24,429 --> 01:43:26,666 a massive piece of fucking shit. 2360 01:43:26,699 --> 01:43:27,800 - Louder, Arnold! - Louder! 2361 01:43:27,834 --> 01:43:29,101 We want more! 2362 01:43:29,135 --> 01:43:33,940 Dave, I fucked up, and I am sorry! 2363 01:43:33,973 --> 01:43:37,276 I won't ever do that fucking shit again! 2364 01:43:37,310 --> 01:43:40,279 I'm sorry for fucking jerking off in my van too much. 2365 01:43:40,313 --> 01:43:41,814 I'm sorry for fucking... 2366 01:43:41,848 --> 01:43:44,516 "I won't be a backstabbing pussy," say it! 2367 01:43:47,352 --> 01:43:51,123 I won't be a backstabbing fucking pussy. 2368 01:43:51,157 --> 01:43:53,625 Say it without being a fucking little bitch about it. 2369 01:43:53,659 --> 01:43:55,695 I won't be a backstabbing fucking pussy, okay? 2370 01:43:55,728 --> 01:43:57,596 "And I won't fucking back-stab my fucking friends!" 2371 01:43:57,629 --> 01:43:59,799 And I won't back-stab my fucking friends ever again. 2372 01:43:59,832 --> 01:44:01,399 "And I got tiny balls!" 2373 01:44:01,801 --> 01:44:04,937 - I do have tiny balls. I do have tiny balls. - Whoo! 2374 01:44:04,971 --> 01:44:08,341 There we go. There we go. Thank you, Arnold, thank you. 2375 01:44:08,373 --> 01:44:11,210 Truth comes on thick. 2376 01:44:11,244 --> 01:44:12,812 Well, you know, there's... 2377 01:44:12,845 --> 01:44:14,446 someone told me last year there's really no point 2378 01:44:14,479 --> 01:44:16,115 in holding grudges, so. 2379 01:44:16,148 --> 01:44:17,449 - Wow. - Yeah. 2380 01:44:17,482 --> 01:44:19,318 - All right. - Tough lesson for me too. 2381 01:44:19,352 --> 01:44:20,820 - Are we even? - Yeah. 2382 01:44:20,853 --> 01:44:22,788 Thank you. Fuck, man. 2383 01:44:22,822 --> 01:44:24,522 Oh, God. 2384 01:44:24,556 --> 01:44:27,293 Now we're even. 2385 01:44:29,394 --> 01:44:32,698 It's just excuse after excuse and it's just, like, oh my God! 2386 01:44:32,732 --> 01:44:36,836 Get up there and just bomb like a man, you know what I mean? 2387 01:44:36,869 --> 01:44:39,404 'Cause they don't get it. Every bomb is a gift. 2388 01:44:39,437 --> 01:44:40,706 You're saying I have that fucking gift. 2389 01:44:40,740 --> 01:44:43,376 Yes! Your whole life is a bomb, dude. 2390 01:44:44,844 --> 01:44:46,245 You actually fucking play? 2391 01:44:46,279 --> 01:44:47,647 - Yeah, man. - Great. 2392 01:44:47,680 --> 01:44:49,949 This one goes out to you, Arnold. Yeah. 2393 01:44:49,982 --> 01:44:52,584 ♪ Despite your best efforts ♪ 2394 01:44:52,617 --> 01:44:56,122 - ♪ You tried your damn best ♪ - I see what you're doing now. 2395 01:44:56,155 --> 01:44:58,556 ♪ To tear down my business ♪ 2396 01:44:58,590 --> 01:45:01,160 ♪ A valiant quest ♪ 2397 01:45:01,193 --> 01:45:06,165 ♪ But MICerz don't rest From dusk until dawn ♪ 2398 01:45:06,198 --> 01:45:11,503 ♪ So as of today The Bomb Shelter lives ♪ 2399 01:45:11,536 --> 01:45:13,940 ♪ On ♪ 2400 01:45:13,973 --> 01:45:17,442 - Wow. Wow. - Explosion, Arnold! 2401 01:45:17,475 --> 01:45:19,845 Okay, honestly, I see why you fucking quit music. 2402 01:45:21,247 --> 01:45:23,581 Fuck you mean The Bomb Shelter lives on? 2403 01:45:23,615 --> 01:45:25,184 It lives on, man. 2404 01:45:25,217 --> 01:45:26,719 It's gonna need one hell of a paint job, my friend. 2405 01:45:26,752 --> 01:45:28,387 - Oh! - Yeah. 2406 01:45:28,421 --> 01:45:30,856 Okay, fuck washing dishes. Yeah, whatever you need. 2407 01:45:30,890 --> 01:45:32,391 Can you put that guitar away now? 2408 01:45:32,425 --> 01:45:34,093 I don't wanna fucking hear it. I'm gonna walk home. 2409 01:45:34,126 --> 01:45:36,362 I will see you tomorrow, bright and early. 2410 01:45:36,395 --> 01:45:38,064 - Where you going, Arnold? - 11:00 a.m. 2411 01:45:38,097 --> 01:45:39,732 You don't want to hear a song from me? 2412 01:45:39,765 --> 01:45:41,267 Arnold, it doesn't have to be a lullaby. 2413 01:45:41,300 --> 01:45:43,903 We can play metal shit together, bro! 2414 01:45:43,936 --> 01:45:45,570 Metal shit! 2415 01:45:45,603 --> 01:45:47,273 Explode, come on. 2416 01:45:50,343 --> 01:45:51,644 All right. 2417 01:46:09,795 --> 01:46:13,632 ♪ Go and and close The curtain ♪ 2418 01:46:13,666 --> 01:46:17,803 ♪ 'Cause all we need Is candlelight ♪ 2419 01:46:17,837 --> 01:46:21,606 ♪ You and me, And a bottle of wine ♪ 2420 01:46:21,640 --> 01:46:26,045 ♪ I'm gonna hold you tonight ♪ 2421 01:46:26,078 --> 01:46:28,114 - ♪ Well we know... ♪ - Is that "Save Tonight"? 2422 01:46:28,147 --> 01:46:29,315 Oh my God! 2423 01:46:29,348 --> 01:46:30,548 Um, it... 2424 01:46:33,518 --> 01:46:34,820 Yeah. 2425 01:46:36,355 --> 01:46:39,125 ♪ 'Cause girl you Know I got to go ♪ 2426 01:46:39,158 --> 01:46:40,693 ♪ Ow ♪ 2427 01:46:40,726 --> 01:46:43,362 ♪ And Lord I wish it Wasn't so ♪ 2428 01:46:43,396 --> 01:46:45,431 ♪ Save tonight ♪ 2429 01:46:45,464 --> 01:46:46,531 All right, no, seriously... 2430 01:46:46,564 --> 01:46:47,633 I don't have a car; I need a ride. 2431 01:46:47,666 --> 01:46:49,402 Okay, get in. 2432 01:46:53,205 --> 01:46:56,342 ♪ Fight the break of dawn ♪ 2433 01:46:56,375 --> 01:46:57,777 You fucking weirdo. 2434 01:46:58,811 --> 01:47:00,312 I know. 2435 01:47:00,346 --> 01:47:02,547 I was a dick. 2436 01:47:02,580 --> 01:47:04,884 It's okay. I forgive you. 2437 01:47:04,917 --> 01:47:06,152 Really? 2438 01:47:06,185 --> 01:47:09,221 I just learned to... let go of all things 2439 01:47:09,688 --> 01:47:12,158 and only accept what is. 2440 01:47:12,191 --> 01:47:14,326 Because... what is is, 2441 01:47:14,360 --> 01:47:17,730 and what is not is not. 2442 01:47:17,763 --> 01:47:21,033 That does not... make any fucking sense, 2443 01:47:21,067 --> 01:47:23,702 but I'm glad I got to see you. 2444 01:47:23,736 --> 01:47:25,538 We should hit up a mic sometime soon. 2445 01:47:25,570 --> 01:47:27,339 I gotta go meet up with my girls for now. 2446 01:47:27,373 --> 01:47:28,507 We got meditation. 2447 01:47:28,541 --> 01:47:29,809 You meditate now. 2448 01:47:29,842 --> 01:47:32,211 Mm-hm. I went on a standup tour 2449 01:47:32,244 --> 01:47:34,013 with all-female yogi comics, 2450 01:47:34,046 --> 01:47:35,548 And I learned 2451 01:47:35,580 --> 01:47:37,817 something really profound. 2452 01:47:37,850 --> 01:47:40,319 That you made a terrible fucking choice 2453 01:47:40,352 --> 01:47:43,722 'cause you're not a fucking yogi? 2454 01:47:43,756 --> 01:47:45,524 No. 2455 01:47:45,558 --> 01:47:47,059 That the lack of spirituality 2456 01:47:47,093 --> 01:47:49,929 in comedy is a problem for the future. 2457 01:47:49,962 --> 01:47:52,264 However... The future... 2458 01:47:53,466 --> 01:47:54,567 Is female. 2459 01:47:54,599 --> 01:47:56,936 God, I hope not. 2460 01:47:58,037 --> 01:47:59,305 Namaste. 2461 01:48:00,873 --> 01:48:02,408 Motherfucker. 2462 01:48:03,409 --> 01:48:05,344 There she is. 2463 01:48:05,377 --> 01:48:06,645 Ow, fuck! 2464 01:48:07,612 --> 01:48:09,515 What the fuck, man? 2465 01:48:09,548 --> 01:48:11,917 Those, my friend, are the keys 2466 01:48:11,951 --> 01:48:13,686 to your new apartment, okay? 2467 01:48:13,719 --> 01:48:15,620 First key opens up the gate. 2468 01:48:15,654 --> 01:48:17,857 Second key opens up the front door. 2469 01:48:17,890 --> 01:48:20,593 Yeah, I need you to work... I need you to work here 2470 01:48:20,625 --> 01:48:22,627 while I get the second place up and running. 2471 01:48:22,661 --> 01:48:24,063 Why, why me? 2472 01:48:24,096 --> 01:48:25,764 I need someone here that I can trust. 2473 01:48:25,798 --> 01:48:28,234 I trust you a hell of a lot less after you destroyed my car. 2474 01:48:28,267 --> 01:48:30,402 Again, I don't deserve this, but... 2475 01:48:30,436 --> 01:48:33,139 Arnold gimme, gimme one of those things, huh? 2476 01:48:33,172 --> 01:48:35,841 Looking at you makes me want to do horrible things to myself. 2477 01:48:37,476 --> 01:48:38,978 Here's the thing, you know. 2478 01:48:39,011 --> 01:48:41,280 When I used to watch you... 2479 01:48:41,313 --> 01:48:44,984 - waking up every morning in that disgusting van. - Aw, man. 2480 01:48:45,017 --> 01:48:47,086 You know, just sweating your balls off. 2481 01:48:47,119 --> 01:48:48,420 You know, I thought to myself, 2482 01:48:48,454 --> 01:48:52,158 if this guy can put himself through that... 2483 01:48:52,191 --> 01:48:54,760 Yo, and based on a very thin monochrome of talent, 2484 01:48:54,793 --> 01:48:56,462 let's be honest here, Arnold. 2485 01:48:56,495 --> 01:48:57,596 - If that. - Yeah. 2486 01:48:57,630 --> 01:48:59,165 If I give him an opportunity, 2487 01:48:59,198 --> 01:49:00,599 there is a good chance that this guy 2488 01:49:00,634 --> 01:49:02,601 could be fricking great. 2489 01:49:02,636 --> 01:49:03,869 Let me tell ya, 2490 01:49:04,603 --> 01:49:06,839 I know you're not gonna let me down. 2491 01:49:06,872 --> 01:49:09,275 Are we... partners? 2492 01:49:09,308 --> 01:49:12,278 We're beyond partners, bro. We're family, man. 2493 01:49:13,647 --> 01:49:15,281 Yes! God! 2494 01:49:15,314 --> 01:49:17,082 Bomb Shelters everywhere, man! 2495 01:49:17,116 --> 01:49:19,351 - All right, all right. - Okay? All right? 2496 01:49:31,330 --> 01:49:32,598 What's the deal, you're not coming in? 2497 01:49:32,631 --> 01:49:33,966 Just enjoy the new place. 2498 01:49:33,999 --> 01:49:35,334 - Okay. - Yeah. 2499 01:49:37,637 --> 01:49:41,273 Um... You know man, I can't thank you enough for... 2500 01:49:42,408 --> 01:49:43,943 Just ev... Everything. 2501 01:49:43,976 --> 01:49:45,477 Arnold, just try not to fuck over any more 2502 01:49:45,511 --> 01:49:46,946 of your friends and everything's gonna be fine. 2503 01:49:46,979 --> 01:49:49,481 - Cool. Yeah, totally. - Work itself right out. 2504 01:49:49,515 --> 01:49:50,684 Got it, yeah. Great. 2505 01:49:50,716 --> 01:49:52,284 By the way. By the way... 2506 01:49:52,318 --> 01:49:54,520 I decorated the whole place myself, all right? 2507 01:49:54,553 --> 01:49:56,589 It's fully furnished, it's got everything you need. 2508 01:50:16,742 --> 01:50:18,577 Awww! 2509 01:50:28,087 --> 01:50:29,288 Amazing. 2510 01:50:48,742 --> 01:50:52,511 All right, next comic coming to the stage. 2511 01:50:52,544 --> 01:50:54,146 ♪ When I roll up to the club ♪ 2512 01:50:54,179 --> 01:50:56,215 ♪ All I wanna see is Chonka lonka ♪ 2513 01:50:56,248 --> 01:50:59,184 ♪ Pull up on dub in the Backseat is chonka lonka ♪ 2514 01:50:59,218 --> 01:51:00,687 ♪ Better show me love ♪ 2515 01:51:00,720 --> 01:51:02,187 ♪ If you know you Got a chonka lonka ♪ 2516 01:51:02,221 --> 01:51:03,889 ♪ Don't care about them jugs ♪ 2517 01:51:03,922 --> 01:51:05,457 ♪ I just wanna see some Chonka lonka ♪ 2518 01:51:05,491 --> 01:51:08,794 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2519 01:51:08,827 --> 01:51:11,563 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2520 01:51:11,597 --> 01:51:14,833 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2521 01:51:14,867 --> 01:51:17,536 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2522 01:51:17,569 --> 01:51:20,606 ♪ Bounce up, down, Side to the side ♪ 2523 01:51:20,640 --> 01:51:23,542 ♪ While your chonka lonka in My grown bumpin' collide ♪ 2524 01:51:23,575 --> 01:51:25,010 ♪ I like it big, Thick and wide ♪ 2525 01:51:25,044 --> 01:51:26,945 ♪ Just like I like My chicken fried ♪ 2526 01:51:26,979 --> 01:51:29,716 ♪ Deep down south where They let it all hang out ♪ 2527 01:51:29,749 --> 01:51:32,851 ♪ Now jiggle to the left then You jiggle to the right ♪ 2528 01:51:32,885 --> 01:51:34,620 ♪ Then make it Bounce up and down ♪ 2529 01:51:34,654 --> 01:51:36,488 ♪ I can do this all night ♪ 2530 01:51:36,522 --> 01:51:38,658 ♪ Damn girl, just make that Booty twirl and swirl ♪ 2531 01:51:38,692 --> 01:51:40,626 ♪ Then put it in my lap And make it go ♪ 2532 01:51:42,294 --> 01:51:43,797 ♪ When I roll up to the club ♪ 2533 01:51:43,829 --> 01:51:45,864 ♪ All I wanna see is Chonka lonka ♪ 2534 01:51:45,898 --> 01:51:48,768 ♪ Pull up on dubs in the Backseat is chonka lonka ♪ 2535 01:51:48,802 --> 01:51:50,269 ♪ Better show me love ♪ 2536 01:51:50,302 --> 01:51:51,870 ♪ If you know you Got a chonka lonka ♪ 2537 01:51:51,904 --> 01:51:53,539 ♪ Don't care about them jugs ♪ 2538 01:51:53,572 --> 01:51:55,174 ♪ I just wanna see your Chonka lonka ♪ 2539 01:51:55,207 --> 01:51:56,875 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2540 01:51:58,277 --> 01:52:00,212 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2541 01:52:01,480 --> 01:52:03,349 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2542 01:52:04,416 --> 01:52:06,251 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2543 01:52:07,386 --> 01:52:09,121 ♪ When I come up in the club ♪ 2544 01:52:09,154 --> 01:52:10,622 ♪ I ain't trying to Talk to no girl ♪ 2545 01:52:10,657 --> 01:52:11,791 ♪ I'm just trying to See you bend over ♪ 2546 01:52:11,825 --> 01:52:13,592 ♪ And shake your Chonka lonka ♪ 2547 01:52:13,625 --> 01:52:14,893 ♪ Why girl, with The shirts on ♪ 2548 01:52:14,927 --> 01:52:16,595 ♪ I ain't tryin' to see No titties ♪ 2549 01:52:16,628 --> 01:52:17,963 ♪ I'm tryin' to see your Chonka lonka ♪ 2550 01:52:17,996 --> 01:52:19,531 ♪ Gettin' nasty and jiggly ♪ 2551 01:52:19,565 --> 01:52:21,300 ♪ I want it all in my face ♪ 2552 01:52:21,333 --> 01:52:22,868 ♪ Shake it so hard to Make the earth quake ♪ 2553 01:52:22,901 --> 01:52:24,470 ♪ Put it in my lap And grind it hard ♪ 2554 01:52:24,503 --> 01:52:25,805 ♪ I want you to make My pelvis break ♪ 2555 01:52:25,839 --> 01:52:27,707 ♪ Big girls, put it down ♪ 2556 01:52:27,741 --> 01:52:29,241 ♪ Shake your chonka lonka to the ground ♪ 2557 01:52:29,274 --> 01:52:30,876 ♪ But I'm gettin' tired ♪ 2558 01:52:30,909 --> 01:52:31,910 ♪ Shut it, I don't Wanna hear your mouth ♪ 2559 01:52:31,944 --> 01:52:33,579 ♪ When I roll up to the club ♪ 2560 01:52:33,612 --> 01:52:35,614 ♪ All I wanna see is Chonka lonka ♪ 2561 01:52:35,648 --> 01:52:38,685 ♪ Pull on dub in the Backseat is chonka lonka ♪ 2562 01:52:38,718 --> 01:52:40,185 ♪ Better show me love ♪ 2563 01:52:40,219 --> 01:52:41,755 ♪ If you know you got a Chonka lonka ♪ 2564 01:52:41,788 --> 01:52:43,288 ♪ Don't care about them jugs ♪ 2565 01:52:43,322 --> 01:52:44,824 ♪ All I wanna see is Chonka lonka ♪ 2566 01:52:44,858 --> 01:52:48,327 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2567 01:52:48,360 --> 01:52:50,429 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2568 01:52:50,462 --> 01:52:51,731 ♪ All right, hold up, We about ♪ 2569 01:52:51,765 --> 01:52:53,666 ♪ To break it down right now ♪ 2570 01:52:53,700 --> 01:52:55,802 ♪ That's if you got one, huh ♪ 2571 01:52:55,835 --> 01:52:57,603 ♪ Check this out then ♪ 2572 01:52:57,637 --> 01:52:59,171 ♪ If you got you a Chonka lonka ♪ 2573 01:52:59,204 --> 01:53:01,039 ♪ Put it on the ground ♪ 2574 01:53:01,073 --> 01:53:02,174 ♪ Put it on the ground ♪ 2575 01:53:02,207 --> 01:53:03,643 ♪ Put it on the ground ♪ 2576 01:53:03,676 --> 01:53:05,310 ♪ If you got you a Chonka lonka ♪ 2577 01:53:05,344 --> 01:53:07,212 ♪ Put it on the ground ♪ 2578 01:53:07,246 --> 01:53:08,347 ♪ Put it on the ground ♪ 2579 01:53:08,380 --> 01:53:10,282 ♪ Put it on the ground ♪ 2580 01:53:10,315 --> 01:53:12,886 ♪ If you got a chonka lonka Make it bounce up and down ♪ 2581 01:53:12,918 --> 01:53:15,722 ♪ Bounce up and down, Bounce up and down ♪ 2582 01:53:15,755 --> 01:53:19,291 ♪ If you got a chonka lonka Make it bounce up and down ♪ 2583 01:53:19,324 --> 01:53:22,027 ♪ Bounce up and down, Bounce up and down ♪ 2584 01:53:22,060 --> 01:53:25,464 ♪ Now grind, shake, Grind, shake ♪ 2585 01:53:25,497 --> 01:53:28,333 ♪ Grind, shake, grind, shake ♪ 2586 01:53:28,367 --> 01:53:31,503 ♪ Now grind, shake, Grind, shake ♪ 2587 01:53:31,537 --> 01:53:35,642 ♪ Chonka lonka ♪ 2588 01:53:35,717 --> 01:53:40,717 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 199136