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1
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,662
He's a madman!
2
00:00:40,625 --> 00:00:42,459
I must warn the president!
3
00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:47,297
Giant spider!
4
00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:02,479
And they say you scientists
are supposed to be smart.
5
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,995
The legendary Captain James West.
6
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:27,248
And I finally got him all to myself.
7
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:30,835
And surely you should feel free
to treat him just...
8
00:03:31,587 --> 00:03:32,921
... bad.
9
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,267
Darling...
10
00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:50,480
Hold on to that for me for one second,
would you?
11
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:59,989
General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all
for a week, you show up now.
12
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:04,285
Jim. You wouldn't be working
up here tonight, now would you?
13
00:04:04,829 --> 00:04:08,957
Working? Now would you be working
if you were up here with you?
14
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,917
I didn't think so.
15
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,629
Wagon's coming!
16
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,763
Come on, McGrath's waiting
on this stuff.
17
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,650
Pack it up good, Virgil.
18
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,485
Next stop, New Orleans.
19
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,711
I'm not working!
20
00:04:55,588 --> 00:04:56,754
Problem solved.
21
00:04:56,964 --> 00:05:01,676
You can't just ram a man's personal things
into some hole like that.
22
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,553
Is that so?
23
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,722
I didn't mean it like that.
24
00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:07,974
Damn, this crate's heavy!
25
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,980
Oh, Jim!
26
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,318
Much as I'd like to take credit for that,
you might wanna hand me my gun.
27
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:46,971
That was fun! Which one of you boys
wants to strip down and go next?
28
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,766
Bet you do.
29
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,604
Sure could use some clothes here!
30
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,027
Well, well.
31
00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:02,946
We got us a shy nig...
32
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:11,871
Pants!
33
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,325
There was blood on the saddle
34
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,244
And blood on the ground
35
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,163
And a great big puddle of blood
36
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:55,999
All around
37
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:09,470
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That won't be possible. I have...
38
00:07:09,722 --> 00:07:11,014
...tonsillitis.
39
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,857
I'm still waiting on my guns
and ammunition.
40
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,276
I see my men have brought
your merchandise.
41
00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,069
General McGrath...
42
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,864
...your weapons are being delivered
as we speak.
43
00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:31,242
Now, shall we go upstairs
and check the merchandise?
44
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,245
Direct me to the poot, sir.
45
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,040
I want something young and creamy.
46
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,501
A gamer that takes to the crop
and the spur.
47
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,212
You drive a hard bargain.
All right, 50 cents.
48
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:46,716
I'm very flattered,
but I'm just not interested.
49
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,260
You gotta be interested.
You're a whore!
50
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:53,723
I may be a whore, but I work alone!
51
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,453
Now I'm working.
52
00:08:26,799 --> 00:08:27,840
Ma'am.
53
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,056
Nitro!
54
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:40,061
This is not the way
you transport nitro!
55
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,942
What's your name, missy?
56
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,527
Dora.
57
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,863
My mother's name was Dora.
58
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,656
Oh, really?
59
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,701
What kind of lady are you?
60
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,496
She's mine!
61
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,792
I feel like a ditty.
62
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:46,919
Go on, girl! Sing!
63
00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:49,964
Okay, it's a ditty.
64
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,550
"Sons of the South. "
65
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,510
Here you are.
66
00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:02,977
Tempo.
67
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,790
All right. Okay...
68
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,458
Back on up now.
69
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:41,641
General "Bloodbath" McGrath.
70
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,436
Sons of the South, come to glory
71
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,271
Sons of the South
72
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,065
Arise
73
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:53,069
Sons of the South, come to glory
74
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:57,156
Come, come, come, arise
75
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,966
That's a lot of ham
for these skinny legs, let me tell you!
76
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,847
Oh!
77
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:22,598
That's a new one. Look!
78
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,728
MAN
Let me out! Please!
79
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,439
- This room's occupied.
- I'll say.
80
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,657
Don't let the ear frighten you.
81
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,450
I lost it at Chickamauga.
82
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,411
Really? One can hardly notice.
83
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:47,540
Would you help me undress?
I always have trouble undoing this clasp.
84
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,208
Thank you.
85
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,171
What's this?
86
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,632
Why, it's a deep, deep pool.
87
00:11:56,967 --> 00:12:01,220
Maybe it's your old swimming hole,
general. Are you feeling sleepy?
88
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:02,763
Yes, I'm sleepy.
89
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,349
Now you'll be my little doggy.
90
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,603
When I say "speak," you'll tell me
everything. Understood?
91
00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:12,315
Very good. Tell me,
who's in that sack in the other room?
92
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,692
Which scientist is it? Dr. Escobar? Speak.
93
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,614
You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
94
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,742
Who do you work for?
Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?
95
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,037
No, watch the swirling spiral.
Watch the...
96
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,330
Bad dog!
97
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,999
Bad dog! Watch... Oh. Damn!
98
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,667
Stay! Stay!
99
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,836
Bad dog!
100
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,218
Didn't mean to startle you.
Looked like you could use help.
101
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,804
Looks can be
deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine.
102
00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,389
I'm sure you are, ma'am.
103
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:49,268
Big, sturdy gal like you
probably gets top dollar too.
104
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:51,520
Here you go.
105
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:55,900
Run along. I'm gonna sing
my old friend McGrath a lullaby.
106
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,526
I need him!
107
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:01,530
You got your money. Run along!
Have a little dignity.
108
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,865
West!
109
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,582
West!
110
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,965
That'd be an awful career decision.
111
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,102
West! West! Go! Go get him!
112
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,450
Get Escobar out of here!
113
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,577
Stop or I'll squeeze.
114
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,916
U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, lady!
115
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,918
I'm not a lady! I'm a U.S. marshal!
116
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:58,004
Stay out of my way!
117
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:01,757
"Get out of my way, get out of my way.
118
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,843
U.S. Army.
119
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,428
U.S. marshal. "
120
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,138
Oh, dear!
121
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,766
Federal agents inside, sir.
122
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:14,770
So Miss Lippenreider informs me,
Mr. Hudson.
123
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,193
Still, I believe
good manners dictate...
124
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:24,196
...that we should send out
the welcome wagon.
125
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:34,707
Now what?
126
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,513
There, partner!
127
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,057
The war may have got you
40 acres and a mule...
128
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:37,144
...but you can't just traipse into the
president's office. Give me that gun.
129
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,230
What, that one?
130
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,398
What about that one?
131
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,612
Whoop!
132
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,864
- That'll get you killed.
Gentlemen!
133
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:52,576
Don't make Captain West any later
than he already is.
134
00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:59,291
There've been a lot of death threats.
135
00:15:59,543 --> 00:16:02,378
The Cabinet made me hire
these damned detectives.
136
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,464
Drink? Cigar?
137
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,508
Don't mind if I do, sir.
138
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,636
So I understand you let
General McGrath get away.
139
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:13,097
That's not exactly the way it happened.
140
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,642
- Some half-a-sissy masquerading as...
- Artemus Gordon.
141
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,060
You know him?
142
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:21,689
Of course. He's the best marshal
I've got. A kind of genius.
143
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:26,610
Gordon has proven himself as a cunning
operator, with a rapacious intellect.
144
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,488
Nothing will stop him
from completing a mission...
145
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:33,284
...except maybe the impulsive actions
of a headstrong cowboy.
146
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:35,411
Who are you, mister?
147
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,705
What do you mean, who am I?
148
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,040
I am the President of the United States.
149
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,542
Wrong answer.
150
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,589
Who are you?
151
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,968
I am the President of the...
I'm Artemus Gordon.
152
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:53,262
How did you know?
153
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,933
The President went to West Point.
That says Harvard.
154
00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,768
Very observant.
155
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,191
Somebody mind telling me
what's going on?
156
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,026
President Grant,...
157
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,446
Sir, these are perilous times.
158
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:14,408
I was merely demonstrating how someone,
using the art of disguise...
159
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,746
...could penetrate into the very bowels
of the White House, sir.
160
00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:22,374
You're clever, Gordon.
One day it's going to get you killed.
161
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,793
Like today.
162
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:30,841
And, West, not every situation calls for
your approach of "shoot first...
163
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,843
...shoot later, shoot some more...
164
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,222
...then when everybody's dead,
try to ask a question or two. "
165
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,224
Working together will be good.
166
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,601
- Working together?
- With all due respect...
167
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,729
You'll work the way your
Commander in Chief tells you to.
168
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,440
Well, I was coming to that, sir.
169
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,285
Gentlemen, America's top scientists...
170
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,288
...in the fields of physics,
hydraulics, explosives...
171
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:06,126
...all kidnapped in the last year,
and all by General McGrath, it now appears.
172
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,546
You two have been working
on the same case the whole time.
173
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,341
Why did it take so long
to figure it out?
174
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,470
One of us was trying to catch McGrath,
and the other was trying to marry him.
175
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,097
We don't have time for this.
176
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,350
Only one week, if we believe this.
177
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,853
"General Grant,
the scientists you seek...
178
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,648
...are in my employ creating
a weapons system...
179
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,317
...beyond the pale
of contemporary imagination.
180
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,987
I suggest you put
your affairs in order.
181
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,865
You have one week before you will
surrender the U.S. government. "
182
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:40,160
The letter was delivered today
with that cake.
183
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,207
- It's marzipan, isn't it?
Careful.
184
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,253
It's McGrath, sir.
185
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,715
McGrath may be a vicious killer,
but a mastermind he is not.
186
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,176
So whom do we seek?
After consulting with Intelligence...
187
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:59,346
McGrath is on his way to New Orleans.
The longer we stay here...
188
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,974
...the farther he gets.
I don't need Intelligence.
189
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:03,851
You'd rather rely on stupidity.
190
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,936
I am leaving today for Utah...
191
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:10,065
...where the transcontinental railroads
will be joined at Promontory Point.
192
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,568
You two are the best I've got.
193
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,778
Put aside your differences...
194
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:18,532
...and find this madman,
whoever he is, and stop him.
195
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,868
You have one week.
196
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,411
Dismissed.
197
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,545
Gentlemen.
198
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,839
The Wanderer is at your disposal.
199
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:36,216
Engine number five, track six.
200
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:39,428
Mr. Gordon, the item you requested.
201
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,263
Thank you.
202
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,687
- Figures.
- My new invention.
203
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,817
The Bi-Valve Interior Combustion
Twice-Exhausted Bi-Axle Nitro-Cycle.
204
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,945
Save it. Got a train to catch. Hyah!
205
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,992
Not if I catch it first.
206
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,208
Avanti!
207
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,600
Nice horse!
208
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,248
Gordon!
209
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,667
Gordon!
210
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:56,839
Stop the train!
211
00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,556
Hey! I'm warning you!
212
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,266
Gordon! Stop the train!
213
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,893
Come in. Have a seat.
214
00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:11,979
Stop the train!
215
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,314
Stop smiling at me!
216
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,452
How nice of you to drop in.
217
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,412
All right...
218
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:33,959
Let's drop the beards, the bikes,
the fake boobies.
219
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,337
Let's set that needlepoint aside
and handle this like men.
220
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:40,883
As a matter of clarification,
this is not needlepoint.
221
00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,177
This is needlepoint.
222
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,513
I'm putting the final touches
on my latest invention.
223
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,849
I call it The Impermeable.
224
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,893
It's a vest.
When worn under clothing...
225
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:54,229
...it can stop any bullet,
fired even at close range.
226
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,815
- Is that so?
- But I haven't tested it fully yet.
227
00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:58,025
Guns.
228
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:02,696
I find them primitive and unnecessary
if one's done one's proper planning.
229
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:07,367
I have always felt that allowing any
situation to degenerate into violence...
230
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:09,661
...constitutes a failure on my part.
231
00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:10,996
Well, Mr. Gordon...
232
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,706
...you failed.
233
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,964
All right, Mr. West,
we'll settle this...
234
00:22:21,591 --> 00:22:23,091
...like men.
235
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:39,441
Ding!
236
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,490
I love this train.
237
00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:50,911
- Cheers!
- Gordon!
238
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,414
While you're down there,
feel free to make use...
239
00:22:54,666 --> 00:22:57,584
...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-Rail
Vehicular Egressor.
240
00:22:58,044 --> 00:22:59,795
I designed it myself!
241
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:06,218
I've been thinking.
Maybe the president's right.
242
00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:10,222
We should put aside our differences
and work together.
243
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:16,103
Fight each other all you please.
Harm my train, I'll douse you like dogs.
244
00:23:16,354 --> 00:23:18,313
That's my truffle reduction sauce.
245
00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:22,192
Let's get on about our
president's business, shall we?
246
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,152
- Where to?
- New Orleans.
247
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,738
- Why don't we let Professor Morton decide?
Who?
248
00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:30,284
I don't need some nobody professor
telling me where to head.
249
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:35,414
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago.
250
00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:40,294
Expert in the field of metallurgy.
Discovered in a field of alfalfa.
251
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:42,462
That's a man's head.
252
00:23:42,964 --> 00:23:47,175
This magnetic collar was found about
six feet away, near his body.
253
00:23:47,427 --> 00:23:49,219
Still trying to figure that out.
254
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:50,596
That's a man's head.
255
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:55,392
According to the Retinal Terminus
Theory, a dying person's last image...
256
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,937
...burns into his eyeball like a photo.
Perhaps there's a clue.
257
00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:02,316
I give you Morton's last image.
258
00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:06,069
That's a man's head.
259
00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:18,790
Refraction of the lenses causes the image
to appear upside down, so we simply...
260
00:24:27,759 --> 00:24:28,800
That...
261
00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,762
...is a man's...
262
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:35,974
...head.
263
00:24:37,018 --> 00:24:38,060
Voil�!
264
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,146
McGrath.
265
00:24:41,314 --> 00:24:43,857
Something's in his pocket.
It's too fuzzy to see.
266
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,360
Mortification of the aqueous humor's
led to a loss...
267
00:24:46,611 --> 00:24:47,694
Glasses.
268
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:58,288
"Friends of the South, come to
a costume ball, April 14, half past 8.
269
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,165
346 Pine Court, Garden District. "
270
00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,709
New Orleans.
271
00:25:15,932 --> 00:25:19,685
Gypsy queen... pirate...
272
00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:22,854
Ah. How about this?
Come as my manservant.
273
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,440
Why, yes'um, Master Gordon!
274
00:25:25,692 --> 00:25:29,611
I swears I'd be delighted!
I sing, I dance for you, sir.
275
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:33,990
I swears none of the white folks'll
know I'd rather shoot myself...
276
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:36,326
...than play your damn manservant.
277
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:38,578
You must wear something.
It's a costume party.
278
00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,539
This is all I need to wear.
279
00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,791
If you insist on a firearm,
I have something...
280
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,711
...you'll find intriguing.
I designed it to go...
281
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:47,546
...with this.
282
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,841
Jim West does not wear costumes.
283
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:52,718
Very well. What's your plan?
284
00:25:52,969 --> 00:25:56,012
I was thinking I'd go
as a government agent...
285
00:25:56,264 --> 00:25:58,390
...who'll kill
General Bloodbath McGrath.
286
00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:02,602
An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a
room full of white former slave owners.
287
00:26:02,854 --> 00:26:04,187
You'll win first prize.
288
00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:07,983
Listen, the art of disguise
is what we need to get into the party...
289
00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:10,193
...to find the kidnapped scientists...
290
00:26:10,445 --> 00:26:13,989
...before they're forced to create
something that'll destroy the U.S.
291
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,992
You and I have been handpicked
by the president.
292
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:20,954
Our freedom is at stake,
and this is our duty as men.
293
00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:23,957
You go as a riverboat captain,
and I'll be a saloon girl.
294
00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:27,419
Let me tell you something about
your art of disguise.
295
00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:31,047
That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficult
to see you weren't a woman.
296
00:26:31,758 --> 00:26:33,133
I was propositioned by three men.
297
00:26:33,384 --> 00:26:34,801
You looked nasty.
298
00:26:35,052 --> 00:26:36,678
Just butt-ugly.
299
00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:39,556
I mean, your breasts
were hard and stiff...
300
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,934
...and stuck out like a couple
of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
301
00:26:43,186 --> 00:26:45,562
These breasts are a work of art.
302
00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,190
Aesthetically
and scientifically perfect.
303
00:26:48,608 --> 00:26:49,900
They look like shit.
304
00:26:52,153 --> 00:26:53,653
- Touch them.
- I'm not touching those.
305
00:26:53,905 --> 00:26:55,697
Afraid you're wrong?
Touch my breasts!
306
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,741
Just one. Touch one!
307
00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:00,660
Happy? I'm touching them.
308
00:27:00,912 --> 00:27:02,037
I knew it!
309
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:03,705
Squeeze it gently.
310
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,417
Not that hard! Now you've shifted
all the buckwheat around.
311
00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,294
Buckwheat? That's your problem.
312
00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:11,713
What are you doing?
313
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,142
Now touch my breast.
314
00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:31,274
- Oh.
- That's what a breast should feel like.
315
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:32,651
Very nice.
316
00:27:33,027 --> 00:27:36,446
Now touch yourself.
Oh, my God, I'm hard!
317
00:27:40,910 --> 00:27:42,619
I was just gonna jot down a note.
318
00:27:45,957 --> 00:27:47,707
You could put a gun on that.
319
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,876
Then where would I keep my pencil?
320
00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:54,130
I think you underestimate
the convenience of a pocket.
321
00:28:22,952 --> 00:28:25,412
What are you doing here, boy?
322
00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:27,706
I sorry, sir.
323
00:28:28,207 --> 00:28:29,374
I was hoping...
324
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:31,918
I was hoping I wouldn't...
325
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,130
...have to break your nose.
326
00:28:50,897 --> 00:28:52,272
White folks.
327
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:55,859
Get your hands off me!
328
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,863
Put me in the dungeon with those smelly,
bearded men, but I won't get on that!
329
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,240
- You applied for the position.
- A standing-up one!
330
00:29:02,825 --> 00:29:04,409
I'm an entertainer.
331
00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:10,415
Stop complaining. You'll enjoy it.
332
00:29:22,136 --> 00:29:26,431
An authentic cowboy outfit,
complete with six-guns.
333
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:29,976
What a terribly clever costume, Mr...?
334
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:31,186
West.
335
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,522
- Jim West.
- West.
336
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:37,400
Well, West meets East.
337
00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:40,320
- Mae Lee East.
- Ma'am.
338
00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,032
Are you here alone, Mr. West?
339
00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:49,162
I'm looking to surprise an old friend,
General McGrath. You haven't seen him?
340
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:53,124
I don't think that name was on our
guest list. And I would know.
341
00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:56,294
I am Dr. Loveless' personal assistant.
342
00:29:56,504 --> 00:29:58,213
Dr. Arliss Loveless?
343
00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:00,256
Funny how some folks think he's dead.
344
00:30:00,591 --> 00:30:03,843
Tonight is his coming-out party.
345
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,809
See anybody that looks familiar?
346
00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:13,853
Matter of fact, I do.
347
00:30:14,105 --> 00:30:15,355
I am jealous.
348
00:30:15,606 --> 00:30:16,773
Don't be.
349
00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:24,489
Meet me later in the foyer.
350
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:32,539
WOMEN
Mine eyes have seen the glory
351
00:30:32,707 --> 00:30:34,541
Of the coming of the Lord
352
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:39,170
He is trampling out the vintage
Where the grapes of wrath are stored
353
00:30:39,422 --> 00:30:43,883
He has loosed the fateful lightning
Of His terrible swift sword
354
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:48,805
His truth is marching on
355
00:31:06,198 --> 00:31:10,035
Don't you just hate that song?
356
00:31:18,169 --> 00:31:21,546
Why, y'all look like
you've seen a ghost.
357
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:25,008
It's me, dear friends.
358
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,761
Alive and kicking.
359
00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:31,097
Well, alive, anyway.
360
00:31:32,016 --> 00:31:33,433
We may have lost the war...
361
00:31:33,851 --> 00:31:37,312
...but heaven knows we haven't lost
our sense of humor.
362
00:31:38,022 --> 00:31:41,858
No, not even when we lost a lung...
363
00:31:42,151 --> 00:31:43,693
...a spleen...
364
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,487
...a bladder...
365
00:31:45,738 --> 00:31:47,697
...two legs...
366
00:31:47,907 --> 00:31:50,909
...35 feet of small intestine...
367
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:55,872
...and our ability to reproduce,
all in the name of the South!
368
00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:59,459
Do we ever lose our sense of humor?
369
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,131
Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude...
370
00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:08,426
...to our friends from across the sea
for their comfort...
371
00:32:08,636 --> 00:32:10,512
...and kindness.
372
00:32:11,931 --> 00:32:14,307
So mi casa es su casa!
373
00:32:17,228 --> 00:32:20,605
Let the party begin!
374
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:24,984
Mr. West.
375
00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,407
How nice of you to join us...
376
00:32:31,659 --> 00:32:34,494
...and add color
to these monochromatic proceedings.
377
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:36,246
When one comes back
from the dead...
378
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:39,124
...I find that an occasion to stand up,
be counted.
379
00:32:40,251 --> 00:32:44,712
Miss East informs me that you expected
to see General McGrath here.
380
00:32:44,964 --> 00:32:46,256
I knew him years ago...
381
00:32:46,465 --> 00:32:50,051
...but I haven't seen him
in a coon's age.
382
00:32:51,137 --> 00:32:53,513
It'd be difficult
for a man of your stature...
383
00:32:53,764 --> 00:32:56,015
...to keep in touch with
even half the people you know.
384
00:32:56,851 --> 00:33:01,437
Perhaps Miss East will keep you
from being a slave to your disappointment.
385
00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:04,607
Beautiful women encourage you
one minute...
386
00:33:04,859 --> 00:33:06,818
...then cut the legs out
from under you.
387
00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,112
Quite. Will you excuse me?
388
00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:11,906
Thank you.
389
00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:35,388
- General McGrath.
- Yes, sir.
390
00:33:49,904 --> 00:33:53,198
You're in for a big surprise
when you get this one in the saddle.
391
00:33:54,992 --> 00:33:56,618
Stupid cowboy!
392
00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:58,995
He mistake you for me.
393
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:09,255
Dr. Loveless, our cause is
in a grave situation.
394
00:34:09,465 --> 00:34:13,843
Since the nitro and guns were destroyed,
lice and demoralization has set in...
395
00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:16,221
General McGrath, if I may interrupt.
396
00:34:16,513 --> 00:34:19,224
Your men will have
their weapons tonight...
397
00:34:19,475 --> 00:34:24,270
...and they will be part of the greatest
military victory of this century.
398
00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:26,356
So have your men...
399
00:34:26,774 --> 00:34:27,815
...here...
400
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:32,070
...at 10:00 tonight.
401
00:34:34,156 --> 00:34:36,157
You, sir, are a pip.
402
00:34:36,617 --> 00:34:39,202
I'd follow you
into the jaws of Cerberus hisself.
403
00:34:39,787 --> 00:34:41,412
And so you shall.
404
00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:21,411
Help! Please! Somebody help me out!
405
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:50,315
I said to meet me in the foyer.
406
00:35:50,733 --> 00:35:51,941
Foyer?
407
00:35:52,318 --> 00:35:54,610
I've never been much good with French.
408
00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:01,617
Au contraire.
409
00:36:03,662 --> 00:36:05,872
So let's see, Mr. West.
410
00:36:06,832 --> 00:36:10,043
Are you a dangerous spy of some sort...
411
00:36:10,294 --> 00:36:13,046
...or just a handsome cowboy...
412
00:36:13,255 --> 00:36:14,339
...who likes to...
413
00:36:15,174 --> 00:36:16,549
...poke around?
414
00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:19,594
I believe I'm that second one.
415
00:36:22,598 --> 00:36:24,515
East and West.
416
00:36:27,478 --> 00:36:30,313
Never the twain shall meet.
417
00:36:57,508 --> 00:36:58,800
Oh!
418
00:36:59,051 --> 00:37:01,886
First, I'd like to reiterate
that you make one ugly woman.
419
00:37:02,054 --> 00:37:03,221
Okay.
420
00:37:04,181 --> 00:37:07,225
Second, while you were out here,
I found out Dr. Loveless...
421
00:37:07,476 --> 00:37:09,894
...is meeting McGrath and his troops
in an hour.
422
00:37:10,145 --> 00:37:12,105
You go right ahead, enjoy the party.
423
00:37:12,356 --> 00:37:13,981
I'm gonna save the Republic.
424
00:37:14,233 --> 00:37:17,193
By the way, boobies look great tonight.
Nice and perky!
425
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,821
Oh!
426
00:37:21,532 --> 00:37:22,990
Hang him!
427
00:37:32,501 --> 00:37:37,088
We need to teach y'all a lesson
about how to behave in polite society.
428
00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:41,175
Never drum on a white lady's boobies
at a big redneck dance. Got it.
429
00:37:41,385 --> 00:37:43,719
Sure am glad
we got that cleared up.
430
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,611
My God!
431
00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,281
Oh! Excuse me, am I intruding?
432
00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:06,200
I feel I know you from somewhere.
433
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:07,869
Nice try, buster.
434
00:38:08,078 --> 00:38:10,872
I look like something out
of James Fenimore Cooper...
435
00:38:11,081 --> 00:38:12,957
...but I mean you no harm.
436
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:14,959
My name is Artemus Gordon...
437
00:38:15,169 --> 00:38:18,379
...and if I'm not mistaken,
you're in trouble. Allow me.
438
00:38:20,549 --> 00:38:21,632
I'm Rita.
439
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:23,801
I was hired as an entertainer.
440
00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:26,387
Not that I'm complaining,
but why are you here?
441
00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:31,142
I'm looking for some missing scientists,
not that I'm complaining.
442
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:40,067
I'm a special U.S. marshal
on assignment from the president.
443
00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:42,820
If you're so special,
how come you're looking up here...
444
00:38:43,030 --> 00:38:45,072
...when Loveless has them
in the dungeon?
445
00:38:45,324 --> 00:38:47,158
The dungeon has been cleared out.
446
00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:51,787
I checked it after sampling the gumbo,
which was a bit heavy on the okra.
447
00:38:53,499 --> 00:38:54,916
There you are.
448
00:38:55,459 --> 00:38:56,959
Thank you. Artemus, was it?
449
00:38:57,211 --> 00:38:58,503
It was.
450
00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:01,130
I don't forget a face that easily.
451
00:39:04,218 --> 00:39:06,052
Like to have everybody's attention.
452
00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:10,473
We've had a series of major
misunderstandings this evening...
453
00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,768
...and I'd like to take a minute
to clear a few of them up.
454
00:39:14,603 --> 00:39:16,145
First of which...
455
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:19,023
...the whole drumming
on the boobies thing.
456
00:39:19,650 --> 00:39:20,733
In my native land...
457
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:23,110
Georgia?
- Africa.
458
00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:27,281
...my ancestors used drums
to communicate between villages.
459
00:39:27,533 --> 00:39:29,408
I'm sure y'all can see how...
460
00:39:29,618 --> 00:39:32,995
...with this gal, we can communicate
all the way to Baton Rouge.
461
00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:37,250
On a clear night,
we might even get Galveston.
462
00:39:37,501 --> 00:39:40,545
All I was saying to the gal was,
"Nice dress, darling.
463
00:39:40,796 --> 00:39:43,714
Good to see you. My name's Jim.
How's your mama?"
464
00:39:44,049 --> 00:39:46,300
Then there was the redneck comment.
465
00:39:46,510 --> 00:39:49,428
And I'm getting the sense
that y'all took that negatively.
466
00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:51,389
But let's break down that word.
467
00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:53,349
"Redneck. "
468
00:39:53,642 --> 00:39:57,603
First word: Red.
Color of passion, fire, power.
469
00:39:57,854 --> 00:39:59,939
Second word: Neck.
470
00:40:02,442 --> 00:40:04,026
Neck...
471
00:40:07,823 --> 00:40:11,576
I can't think of anything for "neck,"
but y'all still got "red. "
472
00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:13,828
That's something to be proud of.
473
00:40:14,413 --> 00:40:16,789
And between us,
the whole slavery thing...
474
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,750
...I don't understand
what the big deal was anyway.
475
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,087
Who wouldn't want folks
running around doing chores?
476
00:40:23,338 --> 00:40:25,965
Are you gonna get your big,
fat ass out of bed...
477
00:40:26,216 --> 00:40:28,593
...and pick your own damn cotton?
478
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:29,802
I don't think so.
479
00:40:30,053 --> 00:40:33,306
So let's head on inside,
knock us back some shine.
480
00:40:33,557 --> 00:40:35,516
Kick this shindig off
the right way!
481
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:38,436
Come on! Put this thing away.
482
00:40:39,021 --> 00:40:40,938
Come on! Let's go inside!
483
00:40:41,148 --> 00:40:42,189
Let's hang him!
484
00:40:42,399 --> 00:40:44,609
All right, hold on. Hold on!
485
00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:49,614
I stand before you as a man realizing
that I've done something wrong.
486
00:40:50,407 --> 00:40:52,825
I'd like the opportunity
to make it right.
487
00:40:54,536 --> 00:40:56,078
Will you marry me?
488
00:40:56,288 --> 00:40:58,331
"Huh!" That means "no. " Darling, listen.
489
00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:00,708
Would it help if I said
I thought you were a man?
490
00:41:13,096 --> 00:41:14,847
Something's funny about that rope!
491
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,311
Thank you! We had a lovely time!
492
00:41:25,442 --> 00:41:28,527
"Hang him! Hang him!"
I ought to shoot you right now.
493
00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:32,907
Allow me to introduce you to
my trigger-happy partner, James West...
494
00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,993
...who doesn't realize
that my Expanding Rope invention...
495
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:40,539
...was a diversion allowing me
to search for the missing scientists.
496
00:41:40,791 --> 00:41:42,708
- Scientists?
- Yes.
497
00:41:43,043 --> 00:41:47,171
This is Rita. I found her
in a cage in Loveless' bedroom.
498
00:41:47,422 --> 00:41:48,589
She's an entertainer.
499
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,801
I'm afraid I haven't been
quite honest with you.
500
00:41:52,052 --> 00:41:53,344
My name is Rita Escobar.
501
00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:57,473
I came to find Guillermo Escobar,
the scientist. My father.
502
00:41:57,724 --> 00:42:00,601
Sorry to interrupt,
but I gotta get to Malheureux Point.
503
00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,228
Malheureux Point?
504
00:42:04,523 --> 00:42:05,690
Hyah!
505
00:42:05,941 --> 00:42:08,150
He's so impetuous.
506
00:42:09,486 --> 00:42:11,070
Yes, he's an idiot.
507
00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:20,454
Well, general, it's been
a long journey from New Liberty.
508
00:42:20,706 --> 00:42:23,207
Not a day goes by
that I don't contemplate it.
509
00:42:23,375 --> 00:42:24,417
So do I.
510
00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:29,255
If I'd had the scientific understanding
of gunpowder and primers I have today...
511
00:42:29,464 --> 00:42:30,923
...I might've been standing here.
512
00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:32,216
That's not what I meant.
513
00:42:32,509 --> 00:42:35,010
You meant the stomach-churning
carnage...
514
00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:38,764
...that earned you
your unfortunate nom de guerre.
515
00:42:38,974 --> 00:42:41,892
What was that nickname again?
516
00:42:45,564 --> 00:42:47,690
Bloodbath McGrath.
517
00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:51,902
The Butcher of New Liberty.
518
00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:57,992
They ought to be here by now.
519
00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,494
Maybe we're in the wrong place.
520
00:43:00,954 --> 00:43:04,832
We're supposed to wait
exactly on this here spot.
521
00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:58,427
You sawed-off sadistic bastard!
You betrayed us!
522
00:43:58,637 --> 00:44:02,848
Having donated half my being to create
a weapon capable of doing this...
523
00:44:03,058 --> 00:44:05,559
...how did you and General Lee
repay my loyalty?
524
00:44:05,811 --> 00:44:09,146
You surrendered at Appomattox!
So who betrayed whom?
525
00:44:09,481 --> 00:44:12,650
Munitia, make note the turret speed
must be accelerated.
526
00:44:12,943 --> 00:44:15,653
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.
527
00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,030
Scream, scream...
528
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:19,406
"Help me. "
529
00:44:19,658 --> 00:44:20,950
"Do not pull my arm!"
530
00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:23,953
I demand you give the order to stop
this slaughter now!
531
00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:27,665
We'll need more loading drills.
I hear too much time between screams.
532
00:44:28,667 --> 00:44:30,417
Give them the order to desist!
533
00:44:30,627 --> 00:44:35,422
I understand your distress,
but these men are not dying senselessly.
534
00:44:35,674 --> 00:44:39,009
It is for a far greater cause
than you can possibly imagine.
535
00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:41,679
You go straight to hell, sir!
536
00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:43,264
After you, sir.
537
00:44:49,396 --> 00:44:52,815
Bloodbath McGrath indeed.
538
00:44:54,359 --> 00:44:55,901
That concludes the festivities.
539
00:44:56,236 --> 00:44:58,779
Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
540
00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:03,367
Since the beginning of written history,
a nation's power has been determined...
541
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:06,912
...by the size of its army.
Tonight, that chapter will be closed.
542
00:45:07,247 --> 00:45:12,126
The traditional army, to say nothing of
the United States, will become extinct.
543
00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:14,503
Laid low by a cripple...
544
00:45:14,713 --> 00:45:17,172
...as the general
so amusingly implied...
545
00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:19,758
...and "mechanology. "
546
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,220
But that tank is just
a little hors d'oeuvre...
547
00:45:23,430 --> 00:45:26,849
...compared to what the country's
scientists are cooking up.
548
00:45:27,058 --> 00:45:29,351
So if I have piqued your interest...
549
00:45:29,561 --> 00:45:31,645
...bring 1000 kilograms of gold...
550
00:45:31,855 --> 00:45:35,190
...to Spider Canyon
within the next four days.
551
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:39,153
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a tank to catch.
552
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:25,175
Judging from the position
of these bodies...
553
00:47:25,427 --> 00:47:29,471
...it laid down a 360-degree pattern
of cannon fire.
554
00:47:30,140 --> 00:47:31,640
I think I'm gonna be sick.
555
00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:32,933
My God!
556
00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:36,103
What kind of weapon did this?
557
00:47:36,563 --> 00:47:39,773
It rolls on and on,
screeching like a wounded animal.
558
00:47:39,983 --> 00:47:42,484
It has a cabin on top with a cannon.
559
00:47:42,694 --> 00:47:44,528
It swivels around like an eagle's head.
560
00:47:44,696 --> 00:47:45,738
You saw it?
561
00:47:46,698 --> 00:47:49,992
Heard about it. I thought it was
crazy survivors' stories.
562
00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,578
Survivors?
563
00:47:52,746 --> 00:47:53,787
Not here.
564
00:47:54,039 --> 00:47:57,916
New Liberty, lllinois,
a free slave town just over the border.
565
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:03,088
A week before the war ended in '65,
I was with the 9th Cavalry.
566
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:07,468
We discovered old folks,
women and children slaughtered.
567
00:48:07,969 --> 00:48:10,179
They used them for target practice.
568
00:48:28,490 --> 00:48:32,493
That's when I vowed to chase
this yellow devil to his grave.
569
00:48:35,914 --> 00:48:37,498
What's wrong, West?
570
00:48:37,999 --> 00:48:40,209
I thought you'd be glad
to see me like this.
571
00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:42,544
Actually, I'm kind of disappointed.
572
00:48:42,796 --> 00:48:45,672
I was hoping to kill
the Butcher of New Liberty myself.
573
00:48:46,925 --> 00:48:48,592
Well, go on, shoot.
574
00:48:48,802 --> 00:48:50,844
Send me on to hell.
575
00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,474
But if you want the devil
that's responsible for New Liberty...
576
00:48:55,725 --> 00:48:57,392
...it's Loveless.
577
00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:00,479
He manned the machine there.
578
00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:03,816
He killed all them children,
old folks...
579
00:49:04,317 --> 00:49:06,860
...just like he killed my boys here.
580
00:49:10,782 --> 00:49:12,032
Where is he?
581
00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:15,160
Where did he go?
582
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,167
Where's he going?!
583
00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:24,211
I know that.
584
00:49:26,381 --> 00:49:28,465
I'll tell you if you take me along.
585
00:49:28,716 --> 00:49:30,676
You'll tell me
or I'll leave you here.
586
00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,931
The girls at the mansion,
you know, they talk.
587
00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:39,810
"I wonder if my hair
will get frizzy in the desert. "
588
00:49:40,019 --> 00:49:43,355
"Where is this Oo-tah anyway?"
589
00:49:44,858 --> 00:49:46,316
Utah.
590
00:49:49,112 --> 00:49:50,696
Let's go, Coleman. Utah.
591
00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:52,281
Aye, sir.
592
00:49:57,537 --> 00:50:01,290
Why couldn't we give her a ride
home to Texas? It's on the way.
593
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,500
On our way to Utah,
where our President is.
594
00:50:03,710 --> 00:50:05,377
How you feel about that coincidence?
595
00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:25,564
Artie.
596
00:50:26,316 --> 00:50:29,526
We wouldn't have known where
Loveless was going if not for her.
597
00:50:29,736 --> 00:50:31,987
Seems a bit ungracious,
if not perilous.
598
00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:36,617
She'd have been in our way.
She and I'd have wound up in the saddle.
599
00:50:37,202 --> 00:50:40,662
That's funny, I got the feeling
she was more interested in me.
600
00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:58,013
I've tried to place myself
in Loveless' shoes.
601
00:50:58,598 --> 00:51:00,182
Good luck with that one.
602
00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:03,352
What could a maniac with no
reproductive organs want with Rita?
603
00:51:04,187 --> 00:51:07,397
Which is not to say that Rita
doesn't possess a beauty...
604
00:51:07,607 --> 00:51:10,567
...worthy of a Shakespeare
sonnet or a Botticelli painting.
605
00:51:10,777 --> 00:51:12,444
The curvature of her buttocks...
606
00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,822
...and the swell
of that magnificent bosom!
607
00:51:16,366 --> 00:51:18,075
So full, so sumptuous...
608
00:51:18,326 --> 00:51:22,663
So... what were all those foreign
ministers doing at Loveless' party?
609
00:51:22,914 --> 00:51:25,457
This is what really puzzles me.
610
00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,001
Did you have any idea
there were so many?
611
00:51:28,253 --> 00:51:31,964
- How long has she been here?
- Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
612
00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,591
I am profoundly sorry.
613
00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:38,387
I'll spare you the embarrassment.
Make a sandwich. You're getting off.
614
00:51:38,596 --> 00:51:41,556
I know why those foreign guys
were at Loveless' party.
615
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:45,435
This is fantastic.
How do you cook it?
616
00:51:45,728 --> 00:51:47,396
I mean, you can cut it with a fork.
617
00:51:47,647 --> 00:51:50,607
In a daubi�re. It's a clay pot.
It's a French method.
618
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:52,401
Foreign ministers.
619
00:51:52,694 --> 00:51:55,445
They were mad about something,
you know, like...
620
00:51:55,697 --> 00:51:58,573
...there was some real bad deal
in Louisiana on purpose.
621
00:51:58,825 --> 00:51:59,950
The Louisiana Purchase.
622
00:52:00,118 --> 00:52:02,411
And Queen somebody of France
got swindled.
623
00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:03,787
Queen Isabella of Spain.
624
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:07,082
This is ridiculous.
Coleman, stop the train.
625
00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:10,335
- Miss Escobar's getting off.
Who the hell is Miss Escobar?
626
00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:14,464
A frightened, starving, half-naked
woman who wants to find her father.
627
00:52:14,841 --> 00:52:16,049
Half-naked?
628
00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:17,759
Coleman, stop the train!
629
00:52:18,011 --> 00:52:21,263
We're not putting anybody off
here in the middle of nowhere!
630
00:52:21,514 --> 00:52:23,223
Especially if they're half-naked!
631
00:52:24,100 --> 00:52:27,602
Please, Jim.
My father's the only family I've got.
632
00:52:27,854 --> 00:52:32,107
Am I to sit at home and wait for news
that he's been killed, or do something?
633
00:52:32,317 --> 00:52:33,317
What would you do?
634
00:52:33,526 --> 00:52:35,485
I don't have anything against you.
635
00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:39,781
What happens when we find Loveless
and you're still on this train?
636
00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:41,241
Jim.
637
00:52:41,409 --> 00:52:44,286
I know you'd never let him
take me back.
638
00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,580
I've seen you shoot.
639
00:52:47,749 --> 00:52:51,543
I'll assure you any attack by Loveless
would be an exercise in futility.
640
00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:54,212
I'll demonstrate how
my design suggestions...
641
00:52:54,464 --> 00:52:57,382
...have made the Wanderer
completely impervious to attack.
642
00:52:57,633 --> 00:53:01,595
Over here, three seemingly
innocent billiard balls, yes?
643
00:53:02,597 --> 00:53:07,476
Depress the number, it's a sleeping-gas
bomb effective in under three seconds.
644
00:53:07,727 --> 00:53:11,271
So put your mind at ease.
You are safe within these walls.
645
00:53:11,564 --> 00:53:13,857
I don't know about you,
but I'll sleep better...
646
00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:16,902
...assuming Loveless barges in here
to play pool.
647
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:20,989
And speaking of sleeping,
I'm really tired, Artie.
648
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,033
Could I borrow something to wear?
649
00:53:23,284 --> 00:53:25,869
- I have just...
- I got something you can wear.
650
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,955
It ain't stylish, but it won't explode
when you put it on.
651
00:53:29,207 --> 00:53:30,916
That would be nice.
652
00:53:41,427 --> 00:53:43,720
Loveless kidnapped
a few metallurgists...
653
00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,181
...so whatever he's building
will have armor.
654
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,933
He kidnapped a couple chemists...
655
00:53:48,851 --> 00:53:50,227
...so it'll have explosives.
656
00:53:50,478 --> 00:53:54,398
According to you, Rita's father's the
world's foremost expert in hydraulics...
657
00:53:54,941 --> 00:53:56,942
...so the thing's gonna move.
658
00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:01,029
What could he build that'd make
the president surrender the government?
659
00:54:01,739 --> 00:54:03,073
A bedside heater.
660
00:54:04,242 --> 00:54:05,534
What?
661
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,121
Rita needs a bedside heater.
It gets quite chilly.
662
00:54:09,330 --> 00:54:11,915
That's what I was talking about.
The distraction.
663
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:14,209
What?
664
00:54:17,088 --> 00:54:20,674
Good night,
and thank you for saving me.
665
00:54:21,050 --> 00:54:22,217
Good night.
666
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:25,220
Rita...
667
00:54:25,388 --> 00:54:26,430
That outfit...
668
00:54:26,639 --> 00:54:30,100
- Is most becoming.
- Lovely. I hope it's not too breezy.
669
00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:32,310
Back there.
But if there's anything...
670
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:33,562
Anything at all...
671
00:54:33,729 --> 00:54:36,648
I'm right here.
- Aren't you boys nice?
672
00:54:36,858 --> 00:54:38,733
Well, sweet dreams.
673
00:54:42,864 --> 00:54:45,740
I told you she'd be a distraction.
674
00:54:46,576 --> 00:54:48,285
She's not a distraction.
675
00:54:48,536 --> 00:54:51,663
It's nice having her on board.
She's a breath of fresh ass.
676
00:54:53,166 --> 00:54:55,208
- Pardon me?
- What?
677
00:54:55,501 --> 00:54:56,835
You said "ass. "
678
00:54:57,295 --> 00:55:01,214
No, I said, "It's nice having her on board,
she's a breast of fresh air. "
679
00:55:03,384 --> 00:55:06,720
Let's just get some shut-ass.
680
00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:32,454
We have Loveless.
681
00:55:32,914 --> 00:55:35,415
Seven hundred yards and closing.
682
00:55:35,917 --> 00:55:37,501
Maintain this speed.
I'm coming up.
683
00:55:38,503 --> 00:55:39,753
Oh!
684
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:42,172
What's that?
- I took the liberty...
685
00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,508
...of installing that while you slept.
686
00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:48,345
Don't take liberties with my things!
687
00:55:48,596 --> 00:55:49,804
Very good.
688
00:55:50,056 --> 00:55:52,349
I've only made one or two
additions to your wardrobe.
689
00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:15,163
Am I missing something here?
690
00:56:53,244 --> 00:56:54,286
Jim.
691
00:56:58,332 --> 00:57:00,542
If we are pursuing Loveless...
692
00:57:00,793 --> 00:57:03,044
...why is he behind us?
693
00:57:06,799 --> 00:57:07,841
That's why.
694
00:57:13,681 --> 00:57:16,641
- What's going on?
- Nothing. It's fine. Get down.
695
00:57:17,351 --> 00:57:18,977
Okay.
696
00:57:20,021 --> 00:57:22,105
- Push that magic button.
What are you doing?
697
00:57:22,481 --> 00:57:25,275
- Seeing if your Egressor works.
- We need a plan.
698
00:57:25,443 --> 00:57:26,776
- Push the button!
Very good.
699
00:57:32,074 --> 00:57:33,575
He's so courageous.
700
00:57:37,580 --> 00:57:39,706
Would you pull on
one of those pool cues?
701
00:57:39,915 --> 00:57:41,708
- This one?
- Thank you.
702
00:57:45,212 --> 00:57:48,757
Courage is only as good
as the machinery that supports it.
703
00:57:55,848 --> 00:57:56,848
Good luck.
704
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:08,568
Gordon!
705
00:59:15,386 --> 00:59:18,179
I have them square in my sights, sire.
706
00:59:18,389 --> 00:59:21,599
As do I, Munitia. As do I!
707
00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,522
Fire away!
708
00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:44,581
That's it!
I won't let Loveless take me away!
709
00:59:44,832 --> 00:59:47,792
- I'd rather be dead!
- That's not a good thing to wish for!
710
00:59:48,002 --> 00:59:50,545
Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone!
711
00:59:53,632 --> 00:59:55,759
Ladies, we need a new train.
712
00:59:56,135 --> 00:59:58,178
- Give me the ball. I have a plan.
- I won't!
713
01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:04,684
- Gordon!
- It's Loveless!
714
01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:06,561
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is!
715
01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:13,359
Jim.
716
01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:24,704
An innocent billiard ball this way,
but depress the number...
717
01:00:24,872 --> 01:00:27,248
...and on impact it ruins our mission.
718
01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:30,794
- Don't move!
- Let go of my leg.
719
01:00:31,045 --> 01:00:35,256
Loveless has fitted us with the same
metal device we found on Morton.
720
01:00:35,466 --> 01:00:36,758
Good morning, gentlemen.
721
01:00:37,009 --> 01:00:38,635
I trust you slept well.
722
01:00:38,886 --> 01:00:42,222
- What have you done with Rita?
Rita, is it? How familiar!
723
01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:45,391
Rita is sleeping off
the aftereffects in the stateroom.
724
01:00:45,643 --> 01:00:47,477
She is quite lovely, isn't she?
725
01:00:47,728 --> 01:00:51,689
Who knows? I might even
become familiar with her myself.
726
01:00:51,941 --> 01:00:54,984
- That'd be one more reason to kill you.
Oh, yes, Mr. West.
727
01:00:55,236 --> 01:00:57,737
To a well-endowed blackamoor
like yourself...
728
01:00:57,988 --> 01:01:02,659
...it seems impossible that a freak like
me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman.
729
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:05,703
But having witnessed my use
of mechanology thus far...
730
01:01:05,913 --> 01:01:08,957
...don't you think I'd devise
something for my lower body...
731
01:01:09,208 --> 01:01:11,793
...that was hard-pumping
and indefatigably steely?
732
01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:15,505
And speaking of hard-pumping,
Mr. Coleman...
733
01:01:15,756 --> 01:01:17,131
...full steam ahead.
734
01:01:25,975 --> 01:01:29,769
What a marvelous train.
You don't mind me borrowing it, do you?
735
01:01:29,979 --> 01:01:32,272
Aside from a lack
of wheelchair access...
736
01:01:32,523 --> 01:01:34,566
...I find it a most comfortable way...
737
01:01:34,817 --> 01:01:37,986
...to pass the long miles
to my laboratory in Spider Canyon.
738
01:01:38,237 --> 01:01:42,198
By the way, I'll be seeing
President Grant at Promontory Point.
739
01:01:42,408 --> 01:01:44,200
What shall I tell him for you?
740
01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:47,287
I'm afraid it can't be
that you're alive...
741
01:01:47,538 --> 01:01:48,955
...and well.
742
01:01:50,624 --> 01:01:52,834
Get out your tool kit.
Get this off my neck.
743
01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:56,838
My tools are gone.
744
01:01:59,633 --> 01:02:02,927
"Welcome to Loveless Experimental
Camp for Political Dissidents.
745
01:02:03,137 --> 01:02:05,013
There are no guards, no barbed wires.
746
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:07,807
Stay within the perimeter,
you'll stay alive. "
747
01:02:08,058 --> 01:02:10,476
- I don't have time for this.
- No, no, don't!
748
01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:15,231
See? Nothing.
749
01:02:26,911 --> 01:02:28,286
And now we have to run.
750
01:02:35,711 --> 01:02:39,130
The collars around our necks seem
to contain powerful magnets!
751
01:02:39,340 --> 01:02:41,841
As long as we can outrun the blade,
we'll be fine!
752
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,802
How long does it take a magnet
to lose its power?
753
01:02:45,012 --> 01:02:47,013
About 400 years!
- Damn!
754
01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:01,527
The gully! The gully!
755
01:03:02,029 --> 01:03:03,529
Run for the gully!
756
01:03:07,493 --> 01:03:08,534
Go, Gordon! Go!
757
01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:22,215
- Gordon! Leap into my arms!
- No.
758
01:03:22,466 --> 01:03:23,675
Now!
759
01:03:47,408 --> 01:03:49,033
Bless you.
760
01:03:49,952 --> 01:03:51,244
Sorry.
761
01:03:52,705 --> 01:03:54,247
Rita, my dear.
762
01:03:54,498 --> 01:03:57,542
Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence
for bringing you back...
763
01:03:57,793 --> 01:03:59,419
...but I have to confess...
764
01:04:02,381 --> 01:04:05,800
...I'm a bit curious as to how
you managed to wind up with them.
765
01:04:06,010 --> 01:04:10,513
They seemed so sure they could find you,
I thought if I stayed with them...
766
01:04:10,723 --> 01:04:13,683
...they'll bring me back
to all my friends.
767
01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:19,522
Not to give you a big head,
but I kind of missed you.
768
01:04:19,732 --> 01:04:22,734
Well, isn't that a coincidence?
Because I kind of miss me too.
769
01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:36,956
What's your plan for getting
this thing off my neck?
770
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:38,958
Excuse me?
771
01:04:39,460 --> 01:04:43,046
That's what you're here for.
You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
772
01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:45,339
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see.
773
01:04:45,591 --> 01:04:49,510
Now I'm the master
of this mechanical stuff.
774
01:04:49,887 --> 01:04:51,971
As opposed to five minutes ago,
when I tried...
775
01:04:52,222 --> 01:04:54,891
...to find an intelligent solution
to this problem.
776
01:04:55,142 --> 01:04:57,602
Then something happened.
Someone, who'll remain nameless...
777
01:04:57,853 --> 01:04:59,312
Jim!
778
01:04:59,563 --> 01:05:02,273
West!
779
01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:05,777
...decided to jump over the wire...
780
01:05:06,028 --> 01:05:08,613
...providing us with that romp
through the cornfield...
781
01:05:08,864 --> 01:05:11,991
...and that death-defying leap
into the abysmal muck!
782
01:05:12,242 --> 01:05:15,495
And here we stand,
while that demented maniac hurtles...
783
01:05:15,746 --> 01:05:19,624
...toward our president on our one
and only mode of transportation...
784
01:05:19,875 --> 01:05:23,086
...with Rita as prisoner, armed with
machinery of mass destruction...
785
01:05:23,337 --> 01:05:26,881
...with the simple intention
of taking over the country.
786
01:05:27,091 --> 01:05:29,550
- You need to calm down.
- I can't be calm.
787
01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:34,347
No, no, no, no.
I'm the master of the mechanical stuff!
788
01:05:34,681 --> 01:05:37,100
And I have to help you! You!
789
01:05:37,309 --> 01:05:40,353
The master of the stupid stuff!
790
01:05:40,687 --> 01:05:42,438
Wanna get your collar off?
I'll get it off!
791
01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:45,066
I don't have a gun.
Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!
792
01:05:45,442 --> 01:05:47,443
Here's something in the true
Jim West style!
793
01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:50,696
- I'll bash it with a rock!
- You don't wanna do that.
794
01:05:50,906 --> 01:05:52,698
- Oh, but I do!
- Wait, Gor...
795
01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:00,498
- What did you do?
- I didn't do shit!
796
01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:02,834
You've reversed the polarity
of your magnet.
797
01:06:03,377 --> 01:06:05,378
I did not do shit!
798
01:06:06,797 --> 01:06:08,589
Be still! Be still!
799
01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:11,175
I'll put my foot in your chest.
Push off.
800
01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:17,348
You all right?
801
01:06:17,599 --> 01:06:20,226
I'm just peachy.
Can you help me get my boot off?
802
01:06:23,897 --> 01:06:26,399
- Hey, hey!
- Sorry.
803
01:06:33,949 --> 01:06:36,284
And that would be my belt buckle.
804
01:06:36,451 --> 01:06:40,580
Gordon, when you tell this story
to your grandkids, leave this part out.
805
01:06:40,956 --> 01:06:43,124
- Don't worry.
- All right, Gordon.
806
01:06:43,959 --> 01:06:47,753
I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way,
you run the other way.
807
01:06:48,005 --> 01:06:49,380
Let me understand your plan.
808
01:06:49,631 --> 01:06:53,050
You'll run fast that way
and I'll run fast that way.
809
01:06:53,427 --> 01:06:55,761
- It's ingenious.
- Whatever, Gordon.
810
01:06:56,013 --> 01:06:57,263
One...
811
01:06:57,431 --> 01:06:59,640
...two, three!
812
01:07:18,785 --> 01:07:19,785
Oh, look.
813
01:07:20,454 --> 01:07:21,662
My auxiliary tool kit.
814
01:07:21,872 --> 01:07:24,624
I forgot about it. It must've
slipped out of my pocket.
815
01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:25,875
Your pocket?
816
01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:29,670
Why wasn't it on some contraption
that shoots out your ass?
817
01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:31,881
That's the first place
Loveless would've looked.
818
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:52,526
What?
819
01:07:53,987 --> 01:07:55,363
Nothing.
820
01:07:56,240 --> 01:08:00,576
Oh, no. No, thank you. I'm fine.
821
01:08:01,036 --> 01:08:02,662
Not quite myself out here.
822
01:08:04,665 --> 01:08:07,124
There's a very large spider
on your hand.
823
01:08:10,254 --> 01:08:12,171
He's just trying to get warm.
824
01:08:17,761 --> 01:08:19,804
How is it you know so much
about the desert?
825
01:08:20,847 --> 01:08:24,392
I lived out here as a boy.
I was raised by the Indians.
826
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,811
Really? Now that is...
827
01:08:27,062 --> 01:08:30,398
Look, a desert wasp,
one of the world's greatest hunters.
828
01:08:30,607 --> 01:08:33,150
She'll kill the tarantula,
lay her eggs inside...
829
01:08:33,402 --> 01:08:35,569
...so her babies will have food
when they hatch.
830
01:08:35,779 --> 01:08:37,863
Now I'm really hungry.
831
01:08:38,198 --> 01:08:41,409
So how did your parents,
who I assume were Negro...
832
01:08:41,660 --> 01:08:43,411
...feel about you
being raised by Indians?
833
01:08:44,204 --> 01:08:46,122
They didn't have too much to say.
834
01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:48,457
I was sent to
another plantation as a boy.
835
01:08:48,667 --> 01:08:51,419
Ran away as soon as my legs
were strong enough to take me.
836
01:08:51,670 --> 01:08:53,504
Did you ever see your family again?
837
01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,677
They were at the camp at New Liberty.
838
01:09:03,932 --> 01:09:05,975
I'll help you get him, Jim.
839
01:09:11,690 --> 01:09:14,150
You have no idea
where we're going, do you?
840
01:09:14,609 --> 01:09:16,777
I know exactly where we're going.
841
01:09:17,237 --> 01:09:19,113
Going to Spider Canyon.
842
01:09:19,406 --> 01:09:23,284
We'd get there a lot faster if you
weren't dragging that thing around.
843
01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:26,871
A lot of scientific ingenuity
and hard work went into this.
844
01:09:27,122 --> 01:09:28,873
It'd be a shame to discard it.
845
01:09:29,082 --> 01:09:32,043
You never know when a high-powered
magnet might come in handy.
846
01:09:47,309 --> 01:09:49,060
When you're right, you're right.
847
01:09:52,481 --> 01:09:54,190
Loveless' private track.
848
01:10:00,614 --> 01:10:03,616
This is not a mirage.
If this isn't a mirage, then that...
849
01:10:03,825 --> 01:10:06,994
Is Spider Canyon.
What now, Mr. Plan Man?
850
01:10:07,162 --> 01:10:09,288
Now, well...
851
01:10:09,998 --> 01:10:14,794
What do we have? Intelligence, a sense
of purpose, the element of surprise.
852
01:10:15,170 --> 01:10:17,129
So what does Loveless have?
853
01:10:26,473 --> 01:10:27,973
Well...
854
01:10:29,851 --> 01:10:31,519
He has his own city.
855
01:10:54,459 --> 01:10:57,420
He has an 80-foot tarantula.
856
01:10:57,712 --> 01:11:00,339
Yes, well, I was coming to that.
857
01:11:03,510 --> 01:11:06,637
Nice to see an invention
that actually works.
858
01:11:06,847 --> 01:11:09,223
Most impressive.
859
01:11:14,438 --> 01:11:16,522
If a little ungainly.
860
01:11:20,277 --> 01:11:21,402
He's trapped.
861
01:11:22,237 --> 01:11:24,697
That thing'll never get
past those rocks.
862
01:11:38,587 --> 01:11:40,838
Gordon! Let's go!
863
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:47,428
Gordon, let's ride!
864
01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:49,638
You do know how to ride.
865
01:11:49,848 --> 01:11:52,057
- Yes, I know how to ride.
- A horse.
866
01:11:52,309 --> 01:11:54,143
Yes, when something primitive
is called for.
867
01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:57,188
How about now? A giant spider's
stomping toward our President.
868
01:11:57,898 --> 01:11:59,398
I was thinking of another spider.
869
01:12:00,317 --> 01:12:02,985
Remember when that wasp
destroyed the tarantula?
870
01:12:03,236 --> 01:12:06,071
The wasp had a slight advantage.
It could fly.
871
01:12:07,199 --> 01:12:08,574
Exactly.
872
01:12:08,950 --> 01:12:13,621
In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed
a flying machine, but never finished it.
873
01:12:13,872 --> 01:12:16,916
With some extrapolation
and a bit of imagination, I've...
874
01:12:17,167 --> 01:12:20,461
We don't have time for your plans
or half-baked inventions.
875
01:12:23,215 --> 01:12:25,633
We gotta stick to what
we each do best.
876
01:12:46,321 --> 01:12:50,115
"May God continue the unity
of our country...
877
01:12:50,325 --> 01:12:54,703
...as this railroad unites
the two great oceans of this world. "
878
01:13:56,850 --> 01:13:58,225
Good Lord!
879
01:14:26,004 --> 01:14:28,422
Well, now, isn't this a coincidence?
880
01:14:28,632 --> 01:14:31,175
I'm out for a little morning ride...
881
01:14:31,426 --> 01:14:32,926
...and in the middle of nowhere...
882
01:14:33,136 --> 01:14:36,972
...I bump into
General Ulysses S. Grant himself.
883
01:14:37,182 --> 01:14:40,142
We've never been properly introduced.
I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless...
884
01:14:40,393 --> 01:14:42,061
...formerly of the Confederate Army.
885
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:43,896
Yes, Dr. Loveless.
886
01:14:44,856 --> 01:14:47,399
It's a fine-looking spider
you have there.
887
01:14:47,651 --> 01:14:48,776
What can I do for you?
888
01:14:48,985 --> 01:14:52,613
I have a humble abode nearby.
I hope you'll accept my hospitality.
889
01:14:52,822 --> 01:14:54,490
I have a proposition to make.
890
01:14:54,699 --> 01:14:56,075
What proposition is that?
891
01:14:56,284 --> 01:15:00,496
The immediate and unconditional
surrender of the United States...
892
01:15:00,747 --> 01:15:02,373
...to the Loveless Alliance!
893
01:15:02,624 --> 01:15:05,542
I didn't realize we were at war.
894
01:15:05,794 --> 01:15:08,671
You have me at somewhat
of a disadvantage.
895
01:15:08,922 --> 01:15:11,632
I didn't bring my fly swatter.
896
01:15:21,851 --> 01:15:23,602
How about now?
897
01:15:24,312 --> 01:15:26,271
GORDON
In matters pertaining to war...
898
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,109
- ... the person to talk to would be me.
And now just who are you?
899
01:15:30,360 --> 01:15:32,903
I am the President of the United States.
900
01:15:33,113 --> 01:15:38,033
This man is an actor hired to stand in
for me on public occasions.
901
01:15:38,243 --> 01:15:41,578
Not a very good actor at that.
He's too fat and dull-witted.
902
01:15:41,788 --> 01:15:44,581
You got a lot of brass,
Gordon. Where's West?
903
01:15:44,749 --> 01:15:46,083
You know him, sir.
904
01:15:50,088 --> 01:15:53,048
Take this man away! Captain!
905
01:15:53,842 --> 01:15:55,884
Lieutenant! Sergeant!
906
01:15:57,178 --> 01:15:58,220
Private!
907
01:15:58,763 --> 01:16:01,056
You are dismissed, sir! Leave!
908
01:16:01,266 --> 01:16:02,391
We'll take them both!
909
01:16:08,565 --> 01:16:10,566
Was this part of your plan, Gordon?
910
01:16:10,817 --> 01:16:14,820
Well, I'm by
your side, sir. That's what counts.
911
01:16:23,580 --> 01:16:26,498
I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless
from his mother.
912
01:16:26,750 --> 01:16:29,710
She said, "Come home.
Stop all this foolishness. "
913
01:17:10,084 --> 01:17:11,251
Bonjour...
914
01:17:11,711 --> 01:17:14,713
...buenas tardes, and good day!
915
01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:17,758
Great, glorious day!
916
01:17:17,967 --> 01:17:23,096
A day of healing for the wrongs
that have been done to us all.
917
01:17:26,059 --> 01:17:27,893
How long have we waited?
918
01:17:29,062 --> 01:17:31,855
1776, wasn't it, old bean?
919
01:17:32,690 --> 01:17:35,025
The most expensive cup of tea
in history.
920
01:17:37,570 --> 01:17:40,531
Manhattan, for a handful of beads.
921
01:17:40,782 --> 01:17:41,990
How.
922
01:17:43,201 --> 01:17:46,036
"Remember the Alamo," indeed.
923
01:18:29,873 --> 01:18:31,540
Thanks, Artie.
924
01:18:34,419 --> 01:18:38,797
Today, I'm proud to be able
to sit before y'all...
925
01:18:39,132 --> 01:18:43,176
...and tell you that the wrongs
will be righted...
926
01:18:43,511 --> 01:18:46,096
...the past made present...
927
01:18:46,639 --> 01:18:49,516
...the united, divided!
928
01:19:01,487 --> 01:19:06,241
Great Britain gets back the 13
original colonies, minus Manhattan.
929
01:19:06,743 --> 01:19:10,037
Florida and the Fountain of Youth
go back to Spain.
930
01:19:10,496 --> 01:19:14,708
Texas, New Mexico,
California, Arizona...
931
01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:16,668
...revolve a M�xico.
932
01:19:16,878 --> 01:19:19,838
And a little piece for me
to retire on.
933
01:20:11,057 --> 01:20:15,727
My partner nations insist that
we make this as legal as possible.
934
01:20:16,562 --> 01:20:18,647
Personally, I like the symmetry of it.
935
01:20:18,982 --> 01:20:20,607
After all...
936
01:20:20,858 --> 01:20:23,235
...wasn't it you, President Grant,
that made us...
937
01:20:23,444 --> 01:20:25,779
...sign a surrender at Appomattox?
938
01:20:26,114 --> 01:20:27,739
Never will I sign that paper.
939
01:20:27,949 --> 01:20:31,368
Never will the United States
ever surrender!
940
01:20:39,794 --> 01:20:41,920
We're at loggerheads then, aren't we?
941
01:20:42,797 --> 01:20:46,758
I suppose the threat of death to someone
with your valorous war record...
942
01:20:47,010 --> 01:20:48,385
...would mean nothing.
943
01:20:48,636 --> 01:20:51,513
If you still refuse
to sign the surrender...
944
01:20:51,764 --> 01:20:53,724
...we'll start by shooting
your man Gordon.
945
01:20:54,642 --> 01:20:56,309
- Artemus!
Munitia!
946
01:20:56,561 --> 01:20:59,563
Don't worry.
I'm wearing an Impermeable.
947
01:21:09,741 --> 01:21:11,199
May I make one request?
948
01:21:13,745 --> 01:21:15,245
That she aim at my heart...
949
01:21:15,913 --> 01:21:18,874
...my heart, which has loved
this country so much.
950
01:21:19,876 --> 01:21:20,917
Shoot him in the head.
951
01:21:22,462 --> 01:21:24,046
- Damn!
Munitia!
952
01:21:24,839 --> 01:21:27,049
Ready! Aim!
953
01:21:45,943 --> 01:21:47,694
A new girl!
954
01:21:48,696 --> 01:21:51,740
Well, what a nice surprise.
955
01:21:58,664 --> 01:22:00,332
Ooh.
956
01:22:20,853 --> 01:22:24,106
Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me?
957
01:22:37,203 --> 01:22:38,829
This brassiere is killing me.
958
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:42,415
Thank you.
959
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:49,673
And this garter belt
is riding up my ass.
960
01:22:49,924 --> 01:22:53,426
- Be careful with that dress.
- To hell with your damn dress.
961
01:22:58,641 --> 01:23:01,351
We'll have you out of here
in a second, Mr. President.
962
01:23:05,857 --> 01:23:07,232
Bye-bye!
963
01:23:08,401 --> 01:23:10,235
- Is she with us?
- Captain West.
964
01:23:11,445 --> 01:23:13,405
Oh, he's so graceful!
965
01:23:42,894 --> 01:23:45,187
Kill him! Him!
966
01:23:45,438 --> 01:23:47,731
Him! Him! The girl!
967
01:24:00,995 --> 01:24:02,787
Is that the eight ball? Get down.
968
01:24:06,542 --> 01:24:09,920
- That wasn't sleeping gas.
- The eight ball's an incendiary bomb.
969
01:24:11,422 --> 01:24:12,464
The president!
970
01:24:15,384 --> 01:24:19,054
- Let's go!
- Save the president! We'll be fine!
971
01:24:22,725 --> 01:24:25,810
They're getting away. We gotta
do something! We gotta get horses!
972
01:24:25,978 --> 01:24:28,563
Artie, right now we need a plan.
973
01:24:28,773 --> 01:24:30,649
That flying machine idea of yours...
974
01:24:30,858 --> 01:24:35,195
Were you acting like you knew what you
were talking about, or can you build it?
975
01:24:45,665 --> 01:24:47,791
Bernoulli was considered
insane by his peers.
976
01:24:48,000 --> 01:24:51,086
His theory states that the air
over a bird's wing moves...
977
01:24:51,337 --> 01:24:53,838
...at a lower pressure
than that below the wing.
978
01:24:54,090 --> 01:24:56,967
That's called lift,
and is what we will now attempt.
979
01:24:57,176 --> 01:24:59,803
- It's only a theory. It's never been tested.
- Stop talking.
980
01:25:00,012 --> 01:25:03,056
Here's a little bon voyage present
for you guys.
981
01:25:03,307 --> 01:25:06,518
Gunpowder, nitroglycerine
and. 44 caliber primers.
982
01:25:06,936 --> 01:25:09,145
How the devil do you know
about explosives?
983
01:25:09,397 --> 01:25:12,732
U.S. Marshal Coleman.
President wanted me to look after you.
984
01:25:12,942 --> 01:25:15,860
But I draw the line at defying gravity,
so good luck.
985
01:25:19,240 --> 01:25:22,867
Hold on! Avanti!
986
01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:32,419
Avanti! Avanti!
987
01:25:32,628 --> 01:25:35,547
- Why isn't this avanti-ing?
- Not enough lift!
988
01:25:35,798 --> 01:25:37,215
We need more speed!
989
01:25:51,522 --> 01:25:53,481
That's a cliff!
- Yes, I know!
990
01:25:53,691 --> 01:25:56,151
- That means the ground is gonna end!
- I know!
991
01:25:56,819 --> 01:25:59,654
Gordon. Gordon! Gordon!
992
01:26:10,416 --> 01:26:12,292
It works! It works!
993
01:26:12,543 --> 01:26:15,754
If you had to get one right,
I'm sure glad it was this one.
994
01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:19,049
Ha, ha, ha!
995
01:26:20,384 --> 01:26:23,511
What kind of fancy name you got
picked out for this thing?
996
01:26:23,721 --> 01:26:27,223
Wait, let me guess:
an Elevation Enhancer...
997
01:26:27,475 --> 01:26:30,352
...or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle.
998
01:26:30,603 --> 01:26:32,604
No, I was thinking of something simple.
999
01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:34,898
Air Gordon.
1000
01:26:45,076 --> 01:26:47,702
Mr. President,
I'll ask you once again:
1001
01:26:47,912 --> 01:26:51,664
Sign the surrender,
or I will decimate this town!
1002
01:26:52,041 --> 01:26:53,750
You've had my answer.
1003
01:26:54,627 --> 01:26:59,130
I understand, but I urge you to reconsider
in light of the following!
1004
01:28:22,840 --> 01:28:24,299
Munitia!
1005
01:28:26,594 --> 01:28:28,803
Hang on, Mr. President!
1006
01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:36,311
Let's go!
1007
01:28:42,776 --> 01:28:46,988
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed
by your effort and ingenuity.
1008
01:28:47,239 --> 01:28:49,741
Why not swear an oath
of loyalty to me...
1009
01:28:50,618 --> 01:28:52,660
...and forego your execution?
1010
01:28:52,870 --> 01:28:56,289
I thought I'd stuff your half-a-ass
in one of these cannons...
1011
01:28:56,499 --> 01:28:58,833
...and fertilize the landscape with you.
1012
01:29:02,796 --> 01:29:04,881
We may not have a woodshed on board...
1013
01:29:05,132 --> 01:29:08,218
...but that boy is gonna
get a whupping anyway!
1014
01:29:16,435 --> 01:29:18,853
You the one supposed
to give me my whupping?
1015
01:29:20,272 --> 01:29:22,065
Hell, I got one of those.
1016
01:29:25,152 --> 01:29:29,405
Oh. Shit. Gordon only gave me one.
If you give me a second, I'll...
1017
01:29:45,172 --> 01:29:46,464
Damn!
1018
01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,126
That's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy.
1019
01:30:56,827 --> 01:30:58,536
I learned that from a Chinaman.
1020
01:31:02,708 --> 01:31:04,500
I just made that up.
1021
01:31:08,339 --> 01:31:09,589
Nice hat.
1022
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,720
No!
1023
01:31:56,512 --> 01:31:57,845
Sorry.
1024
01:32:10,943 --> 01:32:14,195
Miss Lippenreider,
take over the controls.
1025
01:32:40,514 --> 01:32:43,433
Now, somebody around here
promised me a whupping.
1026
01:32:43,642 --> 01:32:44,726
Dark-haired fella.
1027
01:32:44,977 --> 01:32:46,894
Crazy beard. About your height.
Seen him?
1028
01:32:47,771 --> 01:32:50,940
When it comes right down to it,
you just can't beat...
1029
01:32:51,191 --> 01:32:53,067
...a good old-fashioned pair of legs.
1030
01:32:53,277 --> 01:32:57,655
Well, you're obviously
not a poker player, Mr. West.
1031
01:33:15,215 --> 01:33:18,468
Four of a kind always beats a pair.
1032
01:33:20,304 --> 01:33:23,681
Now was there someone
particularly close to you...
1033
01:33:23,891 --> 01:33:26,934
...who perished
in that military action?
1034
01:33:30,647 --> 01:33:32,315
Well, that struck a nerve.
1035
01:33:37,946 --> 01:33:41,365
"I likes to beat my feet...
1036
01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:44,452
...on the Mississippi mud!"
1037
01:33:46,497 --> 01:33:47,705
Stop it!
1038
01:33:48,874 --> 01:33:50,666
Stop him, please!
1039
01:33:51,668 --> 01:33:52,835
Drop it!
1040
01:33:56,298 --> 01:33:58,341
Drive.
Stop or I'll shoot.
1041
01:33:58,550 --> 01:34:00,760
You expect to kill me
with that peashooter?
1042
01:34:00,969 --> 01:34:04,388
- If I have to, yes.
- Why is it that I am unafraid?
1043
01:34:04,640 --> 01:34:06,933
Shoot him...
1044
01:34:07,142 --> 01:34:08,643
...Gordon!
1045
01:34:11,647 --> 01:34:13,397
Shoot him!
1046
01:34:17,820 --> 01:34:19,612
After all that, you missed?
1047
01:34:19,905 --> 01:34:21,280
Actually, I didn't.
1048
01:34:30,082 --> 01:34:31,415
Thank you.
1049
01:34:31,625 --> 01:34:33,835
Your chivalry's about to be tested.
1050
01:34:37,631 --> 01:34:39,006
Wait!
1051
01:34:47,099 --> 01:34:50,893
Well, well, well, Dr. Loveless.
I bet you thought it was...
1052
01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:54,272
...pretty damn funny, big metal foot
on my face and all.
1053
01:34:54,523 --> 01:34:56,774
If you ask me, somebody around here...
1054
01:34:57,025 --> 01:35:00,278
...owes somebody else
around here an apology.
1055
01:35:07,327 --> 01:35:10,329
Quit dancing around and figure out
how to run this damn thing!
1056
01:35:10,497 --> 01:35:12,665
- Right.
- We got a real problem there!
1057
01:35:17,004 --> 01:35:18,838
Please, Mr. West!
1058
01:35:20,549 --> 01:35:22,425
Show some mercy!
1059
01:35:22,676 --> 01:35:24,594
Now, don't you fret none.
1060
01:35:24,803 --> 01:35:27,805
We got a lovely half-a-jail cell
picked out for you.
1061
01:35:28,640 --> 01:35:31,350
Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior!
1062
01:35:31,560 --> 01:35:35,062
Finding the right
combination of levers...
1063
01:35:37,482 --> 01:35:38,941
- Very good.
- Don't do that again.
1064
01:35:39,192 --> 01:35:42,278
I have always admired you, Mr. West.
1065
01:35:42,779 --> 01:35:44,447
I want you to understand that.
1066
01:35:52,164 --> 01:35:54,332
For four years,
I've chased the animal...
1067
01:35:54,541 --> 01:35:57,251
...responsible for the massacre
at New Liberty.
1068
01:35:57,461 --> 01:35:58,586
I hear that's you.
1069
01:35:58,795 --> 01:36:01,213
I am not an animal. I am a visionary!
1070
01:36:01,423 --> 01:36:02,506
I am a genius!
1071
01:36:02,966 --> 01:36:05,259
And now I am angry!
1072
01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,719
After I kill you...
1073
01:36:06,970 --> 01:36:10,222
...I swear I'm gonna boil you down
for axle grease!
1074
01:36:32,621 --> 01:36:34,664
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
1075
01:36:34,915 --> 01:36:37,458
How did we arrive
in this dark situation?
1076
01:36:38,043 --> 01:36:40,878
I have no idea.
I'm just as stumped as you are.
1077
01:36:43,048 --> 01:36:45,174
I'm facing a difficult problem here.
1078
01:36:45,384 --> 01:36:48,511
On the one hand, I have
an overwhelming love for myself...
1079
01:36:48,762 --> 01:36:52,390
...and on the other, the raw,
seething hatred that I have for you.
1080
01:36:52,599 --> 01:36:56,310
I could kill you very easily
just by pulling on this lever.
1081
01:36:57,229 --> 01:36:59,981
But I would die along with you,
hence my conflict.
1082
01:37:02,859 --> 01:37:03,985
Decisions...
1083
01:37:04,194 --> 01:37:05,528
...decisions.
1084
01:37:06,363 --> 01:37:08,447
Allow me to make
that decision for you.
1085
01:37:08,657 --> 01:37:12,618
Mr. West, although you are
as black as the night on the outside...
1086
01:37:12,786 --> 01:37:13,869
...inside...
1087
01:37:14,746 --> 01:37:18,165
...you are yellow!
1088
01:37:18,667 --> 01:37:22,545
You just don't have it in you.
1089
01:37:23,422 --> 01:37:24,839
Do you...
1090
01:37:26,008 --> 01:37:27,133
...boy?
1091
01:37:47,237 --> 01:37:50,156
Now that's a whupping.
1092
01:38:06,548 --> 01:38:09,717
You'll be happy to know
I'm creating a new agency...
1093
01:38:09,968 --> 01:38:12,553
...whose sole purpose
is to protect the president.
1094
01:38:13,013 --> 01:38:14,430
Welcome to the Secret Service.
1095
01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,599
Agents number one and number two.
1096
01:38:17,017 --> 01:38:18,517
Thank you, Mr. President.
1097
01:38:18,727 --> 01:38:22,313
Do you mind if I ask which one is agent
number one and which is number two?
1098
01:38:22,731 --> 01:38:25,733
- I don't think that matters. Do you?
- Not if you don't.
1099
01:38:25,942 --> 01:38:29,945
Anyway, you'll have plenty of time
to discuss it on your new assignment.
1100
01:38:30,655 --> 01:38:32,782
See you in Washington, gentlemen.
1101
01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,749
Mr. President, what about our train?
1102
01:38:42,084 --> 01:38:43,709
I'm taking it, of course.
1103
01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:46,712
Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine.
1104
01:38:49,716 --> 01:38:51,300
Jim, Artie!
1105
01:38:52,260 --> 01:38:54,470
- My heroes.
- Rita, look at you.
1106
01:38:56,181 --> 01:38:58,974
- You're a vision.
That's a fine dress you got on.
1107
01:38:59,226 --> 01:39:04,105
I wanted to thank you for all you've
done for me before I went back to Texas.
1108
01:39:04,356 --> 01:39:06,440
Texas? What do you mean?
1109
01:39:06,691 --> 01:39:08,192
Come to Washington with me.
1110
01:39:08,443 --> 01:39:11,278
Or better yet,
come back to Washington with me.
1111
01:39:11,738 --> 01:39:15,366
I'm afraid I haven't been
completely honest with you.
1112
01:39:16,034 --> 01:39:19,829
Professor Escobar is not my father.
He's my husband.
1113
01:39:22,290 --> 01:39:24,959
- You could've told us that.
- Yes.
1114
01:39:25,669 --> 01:39:28,671
Rita, dear, we really must be going.
1115
01:39:30,882 --> 01:39:31,966
Bye.
1116
01:39:35,804 --> 01:39:38,222
At least you still have each other.
1117
01:39:57,325 --> 01:39:58,617
Jim?
1118
01:39:59,411 --> 01:40:00,661
What now, Artie?
1119
01:40:00,871 --> 01:40:03,539
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
1120
01:40:03,748 --> 01:40:05,624
Actually, I do, Artie.
85791
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