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1
00:00:02,226 --> 00:00:03,851
By the age of twelve,
2
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:06,828
I had seen more corpses
than most coroners.
3
00:00:06,913 --> 00:00:08,875
My family didn't
throw parties.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,468
We didn't
go to restaurants.
5
00:00:10,553 --> 00:00:12,537
We socialized at wakes.
6
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,666
It's a sin, Alice,
but hardly a surprise.
7
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,850
He was such a heavy smoker
and all.
8
00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:20,537
And all your second-hand smoke
didn't help either.
9
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,074
Oh, but, still, dear,
this is not on you.
10
00:00:24,159 --> 00:00:25,776
Oh, there, there.
11
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,977
You just let it
all out, girl, yes.
12
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:32,057
Hell of a man.
13
00:00:32,142 --> 00:00:34,171
We lost
a good one.
14
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,008
My life was more wakes
than birthday parties
15
00:00:37,093 --> 00:00:39,890
And so I grew to love
the company that death brought.
16
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,375
Hm, say one for me
while you're down there.
17
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:44,456
There was only
one other person
18
00:00:44,541 --> 00:00:46,195
Who loved a wake
as much as me...
19
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,346
My pop.
20
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:50,672
Oh, sweet Jesus,
what an ugly corpse!
21
00:00:50,757 --> 00:00:52,527
I've seen
Christmas hamper turkeys
22
00:00:52,612 --> 00:00:53,879
That were
better-stuffed.
23
00:00:53,964 --> 00:00:55,394
I wouldn't be caught dead
24
00:00:55,479 --> 00:00:57,541
- in that suit.
- Mm-hm.
25
00:00:57,717 --> 00:00:59,276
Oh! Oh.
26
00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:01,651
I'm so sorry
for your loss.
27
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,480
They did a really good job
on him.
28
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:07,084
90 years old
and he died too young.
29
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,101
He looks
just like himself.
30
00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:13,179
A-and beautiful suit
you've got on him.
31
00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:14,987
Oh.
32
00:01:17,193 --> 00:01:18,492
Oh, it's all right.
33
00:01:18,577 --> 00:01:19,929
*SON OF A CRITCH*
Season 01 Episode 02
34
00:01:21,438 --> 00:01:22,804
Episode Title:
"Lordy, Lordy, Look Who’s Dead"
35
00:01:22,888 --> 00:01:23,758
Aired on:
January 11, 2022.
36
00:01:23,843 --> 00:01:25,938
I can't tell whether
he's come to pay his respects,
37
00:01:26,023 --> 00:01:27,986
Or crawl in with the corpses.
38
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:31,496
Well, here comes
the honourable member,
39
00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,610
Sniffing around for votes.
40
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,090
Tactless - I mean,
the body isn't even cold.
41
00:01:36,175 --> 00:01:37,893
Well, the soup is, though.
42
00:01:37,977 --> 00:01:40,543
Shocking!
Agh!
43
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,460
I'll be right back.
44
00:01:57,981 --> 00:01:59,754
Pst! Do you want these?
45
00:01:59,839 --> 00:02:00,911
No.
46
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,598
Oh, really?
47
00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:04,853
Hm.
48
00:02:16,655 --> 00:02:18,064
Paying your respects?
49
00:02:18,183 --> 00:02:19,398
Well,
50
00:02:19,483 --> 00:02:20,984
Came to the right undertaker.
51
00:02:21,069 --> 00:02:22,937
Mr. Anderson is the best.
52
00:02:23,022 --> 00:02:24,594
Top-notch.
53
00:02:24,679 --> 00:02:26,041
I'm here for my
great-uncle.
54
00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,148
Natural causes - no kids.
55
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:29,750
Lived a good, clean life.
56
00:02:29,835 --> 00:02:31,267
No reason for tears.
57
00:02:36,193 --> 00:02:37,659
It's not scary.
58
00:02:37,898 --> 00:02:39,672
It's just like
a birthday party,
59
00:02:39,757 --> 00:02:41,265
But in reverse.
60
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:44,250
Well, no presents,
just flowers.
61
00:02:44,351 --> 00:02:46,017
But you do get cards.
62
00:02:46,101 --> 00:02:48,351
When I go,
I want my obituary to read
63
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,289
"lordy, lordy,
look who's dead."
64
00:02:50,976 --> 00:02:53,165
Maybe some plastic flamingos
on my grave?
65
00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:54,659
- You know, I could...
- I never seen
66
00:02:54,743 --> 00:02:55,953
A dead body before.
67
00:02:56,038 --> 00:02:57,360
Her first corpse!
68
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,629
I couldn't believe my luck.
69
00:02:58,713 --> 00:03:01,087
I didn't play hockey;
I couldn't dance,
70
00:03:01,172 --> 00:03:02,984
But if there was one thing
I could do,
71
00:03:03,069 --> 00:03:04,844
It was work a funeral home.
72
00:03:04,929 --> 00:03:06,228
Allow me.
73
00:03:13,128 --> 00:03:15,595
This was more like a party
than a wake.
74
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,251
The dead
I could handle.
75
00:03:17,336 --> 00:03:19,482
It was the living
I feared.
76
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:20,785
Don't worry.
77
00:03:20,869 --> 00:03:23,268
I go to one of these
a week.
78
00:03:24,748 --> 00:03:27,233
I'd never seen
a young corpse before.
79
00:03:27,318 --> 00:03:28,903
A Jean jacket?
80
00:03:29,102 --> 00:03:31,523
I didn't know caul's
had casual Friday.
81
00:03:31,890 --> 00:03:35,884
And the number seven basic-model
plywood casket with no inlay
82
00:03:35,969 --> 00:03:38,736
And an off-white crepe interior
that seemed almost phoned in.
83
00:03:38,821 --> 00:03:40,369
I was surprised
they didn't just
84
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,664
Throw him in a plastic bag
and toss him in the harbour.
85
00:03:42,749 --> 00:03:44,820
So, who do
we have here?
86
00:03:45,195 --> 00:03:46,696
My uncle Darby.
87
00:03:46,781 --> 00:03:48,008
He moved away
when I was young.
88
00:03:48,093 --> 00:03:50,026
Natural causes, or...
89
00:03:50,111 --> 00:03:51,563
He got
stabbed in jail.
90
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,619
Everyone's gonna say he...
91
00:03:53,736 --> 00:03:55,070
"Passed away suddenly."
92
00:03:55,155 --> 00:03:57,222
That's how they'll write it up
in the paper.
93
00:03:57,923 --> 00:03:59,255
Don't worry.
94
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,608
No one'll know.
95
00:04:10,977 --> 00:04:12,261
Get up,
Darby!
96
00:04:12,346 --> 00:04:14,219
You're not gonna let
a few old stabs
97
00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:15,617
Keep ya' down, are ya?
98
00:04:15,702 --> 00:04:17,047
He's gone, boy,
let him go!
99
00:04:17,135 --> 00:04:19,547
You let go of me!
What are you even doing here?
100
00:04:19,632 --> 00:04:20,930
You didn't even
like Darby!
101
00:04:21,015 --> 00:04:22,566
What are you
talking about?
102
00:04:22,651 --> 00:04:24,000
Want to
get out of here?
103
00:04:24,085 --> 00:04:25,461
I know
a quiet little place
104
00:04:25,546 --> 00:04:27,398
Where we could
get a bite to eat.
105
00:04:29,398 --> 00:04:30,945
The woman over there.
106
00:04:31,030 --> 00:04:32,789
How long
and what cause?
107
00:04:32,937 --> 00:04:33,968
Easy.
108
00:04:34,053 --> 00:04:35,742
She's got, like,
12 years, Max.
109
00:04:36,227 --> 00:04:37,377
Heart attack.
110
00:04:37,461 --> 00:04:38,979
Hm, okay, hm.
111
00:04:39,063 --> 00:04:41,665
Buddy over there
with the long face
112
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,070
Over by the mass cards?
113
00:04:43,155 --> 00:04:45,274
His mother lived
'til she was 92.
114
00:04:45,359 --> 00:04:47,110
But he smokes a pipe.
115
00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:49,313
Put him down
for six years.
116
00:04:49,398 --> 00:04:50,724
Hm.
117
00:04:50,808 --> 00:04:52,070
Okay, missy:
118
00:04:52,155 --> 00:04:53,387
Your turn.
119
00:04:53,968 --> 00:04:55,565
All right,
that woman over there
120
00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:57,586
Kneeling by the casket.
121
00:04:57,909 --> 00:05:00,516
Two years.
Hit by a truck?
122
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,967
- Oh-ho!
- She's a keeper!
123
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:05,237
I like the way
she thinks. Ha.
124
00:05:05,322 --> 00:05:06,588
Come on.
125
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,456
I got us a ride
with Alice.
126
00:05:08,782 --> 00:05:11,335
There's always room
in a widow's car.
127
00:05:13,321 --> 00:05:15,621
We're between cars.
128
00:05:19,281 --> 00:05:20,992
Thanks for being
so sweet.
129
00:05:21,184 --> 00:05:22,797
I better
find my mom.
130
00:05:24,163 --> 00:05:25,529
And there it was:
131
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,289
My first kiss.
132
00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:29,360
And it happened
in a funeral home,
133
00:05:29,445 --> 00:05:31,865
Which would be strange for some,
but not for me.
134
00:05:31,949 --> 00:05:33,934
It was as natural
as if it had gone down
135
00:05:34,086 --> 00:05:36,039
at a garden party.
And why not?
136
00:05:36,124 --> 00:05:38,331
The legion made the sandwiches
for both events.
137
00:05:38,416 --> 00:05:39,948
Things are
looking up.
138
00:05:48,044 --> 00:05:50,129
The next day
she wasn't in school.
139
00:05:50,242 --> 00:05:51,906
I wanted to ask
where she was,
140
00:05:51,991 --> 00:05:54,024
but I didn't even
know her name!
141
00:05:54,841 --> 00:05:56,687
Attention,
children!
142
00:05:57,009 --> 00:05:58,924
Mr. Chafe is concerned
143
00:05:59,009 --> 00:06:01,705
that part of your education
is lacking.
144
00:06:01,790 --> 00:06:03,546
- I didn't mean for...
- Oh, don't.
145
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,275
You wanted it taught
and so it will be taught.
146
00:06:06,417 --> 00:06:07,377
By you.
147
00:06:07,462 --> 00:06:09,183
Take it away.
148
00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:11,694
Huh.
149
00:06:18,485 --> 00:06:20,118
Children!
150
00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:21,687
Go ahead,
Mr. Chafe.
151
00:06:21,794 --> 00:06:24,696
I expect to learn
a thing or two myself.
152
00:06:27,216 --> 00:06:29,946
You're young men
and women now
153
00:06:30,074 --> 00:06:32,353
and your bodies
are going to start to change.
154
00:06:32,922 --> 00:06:35,517
The boys are going
to start to wear deodorant
155
00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:38,251
and the girls
are gonna start wearing...
156
00:06:38,336 --> 00:06:39,701
you know.
157
00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:42,838
There comes a time
in life...
158
00:06:42,923 --> 00:06:44,383
Yes, fox?
159
00:06:44,468 --> 00:06:45,909
Do you mean sex?
160
00:06:45,994 --> 00:06:47,560
- Yes!
- No!
161
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,147
I told you
if we taught reproduction
162
00:06:50,232 --> 00:06:53,157
it would devolve into
a conversation about...
163
00:06:53,297 --> 00:06:55,282
sex!
164
00:06:55,366 --> 00:06:57,346
I already knew
everything I needed to know
165
00:06:57,431 --> 00:06:59,400
about the birds
and the bees.
166
00:06:59,595 --> 00:07:01,288
I was in love.
167
00:07:03,073 --> 00:07:04,891
- What's her name?
- Huh?
168
00:07:04,975 --> 00:07:06,111
What's her name?
169
00:07:06,196 --> 00:07:08,010
Feeling chatty?
170
00:07:08,145 --> 00:07:09,211
Why don't you
tell us
171
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,279
the parts of the
reproductive system?
172
00:07:12,556 --> 00:07:13,642
See?
173
00:07:14,996 --> 00:07:17,485
Children are just too young
to learn about such things.
174
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,406
Womb, fallopian tubes,
ovaries.
175
00:07:20,491 --> 00:07:22,042
But you don't have
any of that, ritchie.
176
00:07:22,126 --> 00:07:23,810
You only got
a dicky bird.
177
00:07:23,894 --> 00:07:25,690
look what you started!
178
00:07:25,775 --> 00:07:28,481
You're the one who asked
what a dicky-bird was, sister.
179
00:07:28,565 --> 00:07:31,166
Not a very appropriate question,
if you ask me.
180
00:07:32,736 --> 00:07:35,876
I will see you
in your office after school.
181
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,193
Get out your bibles.
182
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,424
Hello, neighbour!
183
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,542
What a surprise.
184
00:07:56,627 --> 00:07:58,745
Need a cup of sugar
or you already sweet enough?
185
00:07:58,829 --> 00:08:00,268
No, I need
a car, though.
186
00:08:00,353 --> 00:08:02,330
Sick of
bumming rides.
187
00:08:02,466 --> 00:08:03,999
How much are you
selling her for?
188
00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,487
How about a deal
for an old friend?
189
00:08:05,571 --> 00:08:07,853
Oh, no, Mary,
you don't want this one.
190
00:08:07,938 --> 00:08:09,556
Station told me
to get rid of her.
191
00:08:09,641 --> 00:08:11,071
Shocks are gone
and the brake pads
192
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,393
are as bald
as the tires.
193
00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:14,076
Besides,
Mike would kill me.
194
00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:16,587
Mike's not the one buying her,
though, is he?
195
00:08:16,902 --> 00:08:19,264
Now, you take me
for a test drive right now
196
00:08:19,349 --> 00:08:21,118
or I'm going to go into that
station and tell Mr. Butler
197
00:08:21,202 --> 00:08:24,287
that you're refusing to sell
his junk because you're sexist!
198
00:08:36,604 --> 00:08:38,188
You're not eating.
199
00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:39,526
I'm not hungry.
200
00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:42,056
You're in love
with the fox!
201
00:08:42,141 --> 00:08:44,486
- You crazy?
- Why would you say that?
202
00:08:44,571 --> 00:08:45,970
You must
like somebody.
203
00:08:46,055 --> 00:08:47,790
You look miserable
and she's the only girl
204
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,140
that will
talk to us.
205
00:08:50,599 --> 00:08:51,949
Okay.
206
00:08:52,182 --> 00:08:54,509
But promise
you won't say anything.
207
00:08:57,718 --> 00:08:59,236
I like what's-her-name.
208
00:08:59,381 --> 00:09:00,415
Who?
209
00:09:00,554 --> 00:09:01,691
That girl who
wasn't in class.
210
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,193
So, you like her,
211
00:09:03,278 --> 00:09:05,178
But you don't
even know her name?
212
00:09:05,263 --> 00:09:06,263
Well...
213
00:09:07,311 --> 00:09:08,896
Do you mind
if I ask fox out, then?
214
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,118
Are you nuts?
215
00:09:10,203 --> 00:09:11,554
You can't ask
fox out!
216
00:09:11,639 --> 00:09:12,884
So, you do like her!
217
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,393
You can't have
all the girls!
218
00:09:14,538 --> 00:09:16,634
Not what's-her-name
and fox!
219
00:09:16,821 --> 00:09:19,478
Look at the
sucky babies!
220
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,559
The dreaded
fox brothers.
221
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,749
The only things that
differentiated them
222
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:26,454
From one another was their ages
and their mothers.
223
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,369
- Oh, gross!
- Japanese food.
224
00:09:29,453 --> 00:09:31,557
I keep telling you:
I'm Filipino.
225
00:09:31,642 --> 00:09:32,416
What'd you say?
226
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:34,478
I don't speak
Chinese!
227
00:09:34,563 --> 00:09:37,478
The foxes' inability
to properly bully ritchie
228
00:09:37,563 --> 00:09:39,730
was a stunning indictment
of the catholic school
229
00:09:39,815 --> 00:09:41,099
Geography program.
230
00:09:41,184 --> 00:09:42,822
You want
your sandwich back, geek?
231
00:09:42,907 --> 00:09:44,451
Not really.
232
00:09:44,535 --> 00:09:45,819
Well, you're not
getting it!
233
00:09:45,903 --> 00:09:46,768
Okay.
234
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:47,759
I hear
235
00:09:47,844 --> 00:09:49,895
You've got a crush
on my sister.
236
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,640
Who told you that?
237
00:09:51,775 --> 00:09:53,193
Mr. Miyagi over there
just said it.
238
00:09:53,277 --> 00:09:54,674
Mr. Miyagi
is Japanese.
239
00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:56,193
Shut up,
short-round!
240
00:09:56,278 --> 00:09:57,778
Vietnamese.
241
00:09:58,896 --> 00:10:00,563
Try anything
with my sister
242
00:10:00,682 --> 00:10:03,139
and I'll rip your nuts off,
feed 'em to your boyfriend,
243
00:10:03,224 --> 00:10:04,690
Tell him
they're chicken balls.
244
00:10:04,775 --> 00:10:06,001
That's Chinese!
245
00:10:06,086 --> 00:10:08,240
Besides, he's not
into your sister.
246
00:10:08,325 --> 00:10:10,176
He already told me
he likes somebody else.
247
00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:11,893
Will you shut up?
248
00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:15,673
You hear that?
249
00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,321
This little tool
doesn't love you anymore.
250
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:19,807
Aw!
251
00:10:19,892 --> 00:10:21,409
Heart burn!
252
00:10:22,307 --> 00:10:25,660
Hey! What the hell?
What the hell are you doing?
253
00:10:32,769 --> 00:10:33,920
What?
254
00:10:34,005 --> 00:10:35,923
I got rid of them,
didn't I?
255
00:10:36,008 --> 00:10:37,841
A little
to the right, Mary.
256
00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,556
Look out!
To the left, now!
257
00:10:39,690 --> 00:10:41,441
- Oh, which is it?
- Make up your bloody mind.
258
00:10:41,525 --> 00:10:42,942
Driving
is like colouring;
259
00:10:43,026 --> 00:10:44,276
You have to
stay inside the lines.
260
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:45,860
Too much stuff
on here!
261
00:10:48,665 --> 00:10:50,196
You do have a license,
right?
262
00:10:50,281 --> 00:10:51,776
- Don't be so foolish!
- Of course I do!
263
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,087
I use it for the I.D.
To cash cheques.
264
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,921
Pull over to the side!
265
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,023
Oh, mother!
266
00:10:59,509 --> 00:11:01,321
Oh, how do I turn
this bloody siren off?
267
00:11:01,406 --> 00:11:03,142
It's got me all
distracted!
268
00:11:03,336 --> 00:11:04,815
That's not
our siren.
269
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:06,414
It's the cops.
270
00:11:14,587 --> 00:11:16,228
Well, this steering
doesn't work!
271
00:11:16,312 --> 00:11:18,478
I'm not paying
full price for this!
272
00:11:20,448 --> 00:11:21,485
Good god!
273
00:11:21,570 --> 00:11:23,570
Who the hell is calling
the house at this hour?
274
00:11:23,655 --> 00:11:25,032
It's eight o'clock
at night!
275
00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:26,951
Mary!
Telephone!
276
00:11:27,185 --> 00:11:28,987
- Mike!
- Telephone!
277
00:11:32,540 --> 00:11:34,994
In our house, everyone
could hear your conversation
278
00:11:35,078 --> 00:11:37,032
even if they
didn't want to.
279
00:11:37,117 --> 00:11:38,985
But they all
wanted to.
280
00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:40,614
Well, somebody
answer it!
281
00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:45,099
Hello?
282
00:11:45,306 --> 00:11:47,025
My mother always
answered the phone
283
00:11:47,110 --> 00:11:48,799
in a mildly
English accent.
284
00:11:48,884 --> 00:11:50,491
Just one moment,
please.
285
00:11:51,259 --> 00:11:53,697
My god, it's a girl!
For Mark!
286
00:11:53,782 --> 00:11:55,081
- For Mark?
- What?
287
00:11:55,165 --> 00:11:56,916
Good god,
what does she want?
288
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,233
How do you do?
289
00:11:58,368 --> 00:12:00,435
May I ask
who's telephoning?
290
00:12:01,261 --> 00:12:02,727
Some hussy
named Tina.
291
00:12:02,863 --> 00:12:04,046
Tina!
292
00:12:04,131 --> 00:12:05,649
I knew her name!
293
00:12:05,747 --> 00:12:08,066
I finally had the missing piece
to the puzzle
294
00:12:08,151 --> 00:12:10,087
of my 12-year-old heart.
295
00:12:10,172 --> 00:12:11,938
Can I please
have the phone?
296
00:12:16,732 --> 00:12:17,965
Hello?
297
00:12:18,050 --> 00:12:19,993
Hi, it's me, Tina.
298
00:12:20,196 --> 00:12:22,342
Oh, hi, Tina.
299
00:12:22,426 --> 00:12:24,277
- Tina? Tina who?
- Who's Tina.
300
00:12:24,361 --> 00:12:26,970
Tina from the
funeral home.
301
00:12:27,363 --> 00:12:29,448
Tina Reardon?
302
00:12:29,533 --> 00:12:31,204
Her uncle
was stabbed in prison.
303
00:12:31,289 --> 00:12:33,089
Hard as nails,
that crowd!
304
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,189
Ask her if her mother
will do an interview
305
00:12:36,274 --> 00:12:37,506
about the murder.
306
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:39,225
Uh, how you doing?
307
00:12:39,309 --> 00:12:41,798
- I'm okay.
- Cool.
308
00:12:41,883 --> 00:12:43,134
She's too hard
for you, Mark!
309
00:12:43,219 --> 00:12:44,651
You'll get stabbed.
310
00:12:44,827 --> 00:12:46,311
Wasn't hard
to find your number.
311
00:12:46,396 --> 00:12:48,096
You're the only critch
on kenmount road.
312
00:12:48,181 --> 00:12:50,433
- Only house, too.
- Cool.
313
00:12:50,676 --> 00:12:53,143
I had a nice time
at the funeral home.
314
00:12:53,228 --> 00:12:55,280
You want to,
I don't know,
315
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:57,135
Do something
some time?
316
00:12:57,227 --> 00:12:58,235
Cool.
317
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,738
Oh, the boy is quite
the conversationalist.
318
00:13:02,079 --> 00:13:03,557
Ah, do you want to
go to the park tomorrow,
319
00:13:03,641 --> 00:13:04,782
Around two?
320
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,686
Meet you
by the swings.
321
00:13:06,770 --> 00:13:07,860
Cool.
322
00:13:07,962 --> 00:13:09,555
Tell her you think
she's pretty.
323
00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:11,860
Ask her how many times
her uncle was stabbed.
324
00:13:11,945 --> 00:13:14,361
I wanted to tell her
that I'd never felt so alive
325
00:13:14,446 --> 00:13:15,415
in my young life
326
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,851
And we would always have
the joyful sadness
327
00:13:17,936 --> 00:13:19,469
of the funeral home.
328
00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:20,920
Tina,
329
00:13:21,653 --> 00:13:22,851
I...
330
00:13:24,657 --> 00:13:25,885
I...
331
00:13:34,868 --> 00:13:37,447
No!
I don't have her number!
332
00:13:37,532 --> 00:13:40,400
Well, you really
shagged that one up.
333
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:42,712
I'm going
to my room.
334
00:13:42,797 --> 00:13:44,982
Everyone ju-just
leave me alone!
335
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:54,776
There's no better place
for a broken-hearted pre-teen
336
00:13:54,861 --> 00:13:56,087
than his bedroom.
337
00:13:56,172 --> 00:13:58,111
A private sanctuary where...
338
00:13:58,196 --> 00:13:59,384
All right,
don't mind me.
339
00:13:59,496 --> 00:14:00,704
I know you want
to be alone.
340
00:14:00,789 --> 00:14:03,587
I'll be quiet
as a church mouse.
341
00:14:04,105 --> 00:14:05,189
Oof!
342
00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:06,491
Oh, ohh.
343
00:14:06,728 --> 00:14:07,939
My dogs are barking.
344
00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:14,892
Good night!
Hm, hm-hm-hm.
345
00:14:28,923 --> 00:14:29,962
Oh, Jesus...
346
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,892
I can't smoke
lying down anymore.
347
00:14:39,691 --> 00:14:41,376
I must be
getting old.
348
00:14:44,844 --> 00:14:47,745
Do you want some
unsolicited advice?
349
00:14:48,215 --> 00:14:50,215
Don't try anything
on the first date.
350
00:14:51,585 --> 00:14:54,165
A woman
likes to be romanced.
351
00:14:54,886 --> 00:14:58,032
A gentleman saves that stuff
for the second date.
352
00:14:58,496 --> 00:15:00,579
And on our third date,
353
00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:03,931
Your grandmother
told me she was pregnant!
354
00:15:04,016 --> 00:15:05,200
Huh?!
355
00:15:05,285 --> 00:15:06,970
Good night.
356
00:15:22,205 --> 00:15:23,634
I had a date!
357
00:15:23,719 --> 00:15:26,462
That is, if I could only
get to it.
358
00:15:28,171 --> 00:15:30,438
How come
you're all dressed up?
359
00:15:32,837 --> 00:15:34,259
You got a date!
360
00:15:34,344 --> 00:15:35,563
Can I come?
361
00:15:35,648 --> 00:15:36,980
No!
362
00:15:37,654 --> 00:15:39,105
Where's Victoria park?
363
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:40,841
I think I've got to get
the route 2?
364
00:15:40,926 --> 00:15:43,728
No, you take the route 3
then transfer at parade street.
365
00:15:43,929 --> 00:15:45,368
Where's that?
366
00:15:45,453 --> 00:15:47,553
You sure
you don't want me to come?
367
00:15:47,753 --> 00:15:50,532
Okay, but promise you won't
follow us and be weird?
368
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,567
I promise.
369
00:15:51,652 --> 00:15:53,298
I'll just watch you
guys from the bushes...
370
00:15:53,382 --> 00:15:54,847
No weird stuff.
371
00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:56,700
Okay.
372
00:15:56,785 --> 00:15:58,118
Cool.
373
00:16:03,954 --> 00:16:05,056
Can we get
374
00:16:05,141 --> 00:16:06,941
two transfers,
please?
375
00:16:11,256 --> 00:16:12,314
Hey, dicks.
376
00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:14,771
- Oh, hi, fox!
- We've got a date!
377
00:16:14,856 --> 00:16:17,023
- What?
- Uh, not with each other.
378
00:16:17,108 --> 00:16:18,036
With a girl.
379
00:16:18,171 --> 00:16:19,870
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Shut up!
380
00:16:20,372 --> 00:16:23,173
Well, he has a girl,
I don't.
381
00:16:23,258 --> 00:16:25,058
You're a girl,
so maybe we can double-date?
382
00:16:25,977 --> 00:16:27,548
ow!
383
00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:29,831
- What girl?
- He doesn't know her name.
384
00:16:29,916 --> 00:16:31,634
My god,
yes, I do!
385
00:16:31,719 --> 00:16:32,917
It's nothing!
386
00:16:34,441 --> 00:16:37,110
Hey, driver,
I want a transfer, too.
387
00:16:39,806 --> 00:16:41,681
Ohh...
388
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,375
Hey.
389
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:06,925
Hey.
390
00:17:08,229 --> 00:17:10,332
So, come here often?
391
00:17:13,547 --> 00:17:16,652
"Everything in my heart"
by Corey hart plays...
392
00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:29,189
♪ I never
see the light ♪
393
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:33,028
Her hands were as soft as the
most expensive toilet paper
394
00:17:33,113 --> 00:17:34,972
at the supermarket.
395
00:17:35,057 --> 00:17:37,433
They were almost
as soft as mine.
396
00:17:38,017 --> 00:17:41,551
♪ Couldn't imagine how ♪
397
00:17:42,023 --> 00:17:44,689
♪ what I'm
supposed to do ♪
398
00:17:45,223 --> 00:17:46,223
ow!!
399
00:17:46,311 --> 00:17:48,611
Uncle!
Uncle!
400
00:17:49,257 --> 00:17:51,090
I'll call you!
401
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:57,043
♪ Only thinking
of you ♪
402
00:17:57,128 --> 00:17:59,644
♪ I'll do it
again ♪
403
00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:01,282
I gotta go.
404
00:18:04,294 --> 00:18:05,894
♪ Everything
in my heart ♪
405
00:18:05,979 --> 00:18:07,296
My second kiss!
406
00:18:07,438 --> 00:18:08,558
At this rate,
407
00:18:08,643 --> 00:18:11,199
I'd be married
by my 13th birthday.
408
00:18:14,057 --> 00:18:15,257
Nice work.
409
00:18:15,352 --> 00:18:16,885
Wanna go
down the slide?
410
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,236
Race ya'!
411
00:18:24,887 --> 00:18:26,507
Good god!
412
00:18:26,592 --> 00:18:28,074
Who's calling the house
at this hour?
413
00:18:28,159 --> 00:18:29,877
It's half past seven
at night!
414
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,933
I'll get it!
415
00:18:32,988 --> 00:18:34,056
Hello?
416
00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:35,316
Hi.
417
00:18:35,401 --> 00:18:37,348
It's Tina,
the hussy.
418
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,449
That was amazing. I...
419
00:18:39,534 --> 00:18:41,301
I'm breaking up
with you.
420
00:18:41,773 --> 00:18:43,832
- What?
- Why?
421
00:18:43,917 --> 00:18:44,926
I don't know.
422
00:18:45,011 --> 00:18:46,343
'Cuz you're slack.
423
00:18:47,105 --> 00:18:48,170
Slack?
424
00:18:48,254 --> 00:18:49,574
What's slack?
425
00:18:49,659 --> 00:18:51,692
She means
you didn't put out, son.
426
00:18:51,777 --> 00:18:52,990
Oh, that's my fault.
427
00:18:53,125 --> 00:18:54,644
Tell her
about the second date!
428
00:18:54,729 --> 00:18:55,644
Slack?
429
00:18:55,729 --> 00:18:58,629
Sister Rose was right:
We were too young for this.
430
00:18:59,884 --> 00:19:01,698
Can't we just...
431
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:05,477
Hang on.
432
00:19:13,155 --> 00:19:14,454
Just leave me alone!
433
00:19:27,575 --> 00:19:28,935
That brazen
little hussy.
434
00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:31,255
Oh, she better not
call here anymore!
435
00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:32,772
You know, her father's
nowhere to be found.
436
00:19:32,856 --> 00:19:34,150
I talked to Joan
down at the supermarket
437
00:19:34,234 --> 00:19:36,021
and she told me that...
438
00:19:36,594 --> 00:19:37,926
No, no, no.
439
00:19:39,918 --> 00:19:41,251
Oh, mm.
440
00:19:41,825 --> 00:19:43,040
I've got it.
441
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,529
Yeah, little surprise
for ya'.
442
00:19:59,974 --> 00:20:00,976
Hm?
443
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:03,083
Ham and cheese.
444
00:20:03,473 --> 00:20:04,473
Nice.
445
00:20:04,923 --> 00:20:06,700
Mm.
446
00:20:06,990 --> 00:20:08,295
Come on!
447
00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:10,027
How was your date?
448
00:20:10,637 --> 00:20:12,136
I guess
I'm not ready yet.
449
00:20:12,221 --> 00:20:13,289
Oh...
450
00:20:13,373 --> 00:20:14,855
Don't worry.
451
00:20:14,940 --> 00:20:16,222
You will be.
452
00:20:16,442 --> 00:20:18,409
Women are
what they call...
453
00:20:18,494 --> 00:20:20,730
An acquired taste.
454
00:20:21,225 --> 00:20:23,222
Like stale
funeral sandwiches?
455
00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:26,105
Ah, Christ, no!
456
00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,144
No.
457
00:20:28,229 --> 00:20:30,504
I wish I could tell you
that it doesn't matter,
458
00:20:30,589 --> 00:20:32,154
That you'll
forget her.
459
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:34,800
The truth is...
460
00:20:35,791 --> 00:20:38,793
You'll always remember
the first one.
461
00:20:40,769 --> 00:20:42,199
And the last.
462
00:20:42,315 --> 00:20:43,099
Hm.
463
00:20:43,355 --> 00:20:45,105
It's just the ones
in the middle
464
00:20:45,190 --> 00:20:47,058
That don't seem to matter
all that much.
465
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:51,091
You just try and squeeze in
as many of those as you can.
466
00:20:53,707 --> 00:20:55,371
Sitting there
on my bed
467
00:20:55,456 --> 00:20:57,875
as pop and I polished off
the funeral sandwiches,
468
00:20:58,036 --> 00:20:59,620
I learned two things:
469
00:20:59,705 --> 00:21:01,790
One, you can't
hurry love.
470
00:21:01,875 --> 00:21:02,675
And, two,
471
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,722
The pain of heartache
is no match for heartburn.
472
00:21:08,441 --> 00:21:09,245
Ach.
473
00:21:11,268 --> 00:21:12,268
Good night.
474
00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:15,066
Good night, pop.
475
00:21:22,342 --> 00:21:24,084
Oh, Jesus!31992
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