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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:11,379 - * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR 2 00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:13,647 * FIVE, SIX SHAKE IT, DUDE * 3 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:21,589 * 4 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:39,140 - * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN 5 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:46,214 * 6 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:49,850 * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN 7 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:53,554 * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN * 8 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,457 * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN 9 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,496 - * SWEAT 10 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,498 * SWEAT 11 00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,234 * SWEAT 12 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:08,202 * SWEAT 13 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,303 * SWEAT 14 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,305 * 15 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,706 - YOU FUCKED HIM? 16 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:13,841 - WEDNESDAY. 17 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,343 - AND THE HOT LATINO? 18 00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,877 - THURSDAY. - WELL, OLE, TEDDY. 19 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,180 YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL. 20 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:21,449 - GOOD EVENING, TWATS. 21 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:22,850 - WOULD YOU KINDLY REFRAIN 22 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,585 FROM USING DEROGATORY REFERENCES TO WOMEN 23 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,487 SINCE THEY REPRESENT HALF OF MY FAN-BASE? 24 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,656 - HAVE ANY HERMAPHRODITES? 25 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,724 - I DON'T THINK SO. - GOOD. 26 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,493 GO FUCK YOURSELF. - [chuckles] 27 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,195 - ANYBODY HERE WORTH DOING? 28 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,863 - NO, SORRY, BRI. ALREADY DONE THEM. 29 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,132 - OH, WE WERE UP TO FRIDAY. 30 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,201 - OH, UH, THERE'S FRIDAY OVER THERE. 31 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:41,535 THE BOSSY BOTTOM OVER THERE. 32 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,237 - HE'S A BOTTOM? - YEAH. 33 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,905 YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM SING NATURAL WOMAN. 34 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,340 BETTER THAN ARETHA, I MIGHT ADD. 35 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,741 - YOU'VE GOT TO GAG THEM FIRST, 36 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,877 THEN FUCK 'EM. 37 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,546 YOU STILL HAVE MUCH TO LEARN, THEODORE. 38 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,282 - OH MY GOD. WHO'S THAT? 39 00:01:54,315 --> 00:02:02,256 * 40 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:14,402 - I DON'T KNOW, BUT I BELIEVE I HAVE SUNDAY FREE. 41 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,370 - COUNT ON STAYING HOME 42 00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:19,207 AND TRIMMING YOUR PUBES. 43 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:25,413 - I'LL LET HIM HAVE THIS ONE. 44 00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:28,649 - [chuckles] YEAH. 45 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:36,624 * 46 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,163 [faint moaning] 47 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,273 [music continues in background] 48 00:02:52,306 --> 00:03:00,314 * 49 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:31,345 [men moaning] 50 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:51,265 - WOW! RAGE AND J.T. ARE FINALLY TYING THE KNOT. 51 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,500 - IT'S ABOUT TIME, WOULDN'T YOU SAY? 52 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,934 - DID THEY GO TO TORONTO? 53 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:56,504 - NO. MASSACHUPITER. IT'S A PLANET. 54 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:57,938 - UNLIKE PENNSYLVANIA, 55 00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,507 IT'S LEGAL FOR GAYS TO GET MARRIED THERE. 56 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:00,874 - AHA! 57 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:01,942 SO, WHERE DO WE BUY OUR ROCKET SHIP TICKETS 58 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,344 AND ZOOM OFF? 59 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,612 - HUH. I WISH! 60 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:05,746 - WELL, UNTIL WE CAN, 61 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,381 WE'LL JUST LIVE VICARIOUSLY 62 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,383 THROUGH OUR INTREPID SUPERHEROES. 63 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,652 - LET'S HOPE THAT 5,000 READERS-- 64 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,053 OH, WHAT THE HELL, MAKE IT 10-- 65 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,888 AGREE WITH YOU. 66 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,357 - I'LL GET THESE OUT OF YOUR WAY. 67 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:18,058 - YOU COMING TO OUR HOUSEWARMING? 68 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,660 - I WOULDN'T MISS IT. 69 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:22,396 - IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD-ASS BLOW-OUT. 70 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,497 - WHAT DO YOU SAY WE START EARLY? 71 00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:26,467 - MM. - MM-HMM. 72 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:31,639 [door closes] 73 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,374 HERE HE IS. 74 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,576 - OUR WAYWARD SON. 75 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,577 - COOL COVER. 76 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,045 - WHERE'VE YOU BEEN? 77 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,580 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE HOME BY 6:00. 78 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,081 - I WAS PRACTICING WITH MY DEBATING PARTNER. 79 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,916 - [chuckles] WHENEVER I USED TO TELL MY PARENTS THAT, 80 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,652 I WAS USUALLY GETTING STONED. 81 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,787 - WHEN'S THE BIG EVENT? 82 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,055 - UH, TOMORROW AFTERNOON. 83 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,690 IT'S IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL. 84 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,991 - WHAT'S THE TOPIC? 85 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,092 - CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. 86 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,527 I'M ALL FOR IT. 87 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:56,530 I SAY FRY THE MOTHERFUCKERS. 88 00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,532 - NOW YOU SEE WHY WE'RE SO PROUD. 89 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,000 - [laughs] 90 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,702 - NOW, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU 91 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,070 MAY FRIGHTEN SMALL CHILDREN, 92 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,938 SO PARENTS MAY WANT THEM TO LEAVE THE ROOM. 93 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,107 [chuckles] SCARY, HUH? 94 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,411 IT'S WHAT I CALL THE "COMB-OVER" 95 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,879 LIKE WALLY'S HERE. 96 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:14,548 BUT SEE HOW MUCH HOTTER WALLY LOOKS 97 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,850 WHEN HE EMBRACES HIS BALDNESS. 98 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,086 WH--WHY, WALLACE, 99 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,688 IS THAT A HICKEY? 100 00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:23,090 GO FOR IT, TIGER. [growls, laughs] 101 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:26,093 ALL RIGHT. THOSE ARE MY HAIR DOs AND DON'Ts. 102 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,961 NEXT WEEK, HOME WAXING. 103 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,563 AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE KITCHEN FLOOR. 104 00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:33,734 OKAY, EVERYBODY, BE FABULOUS! 105 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,136 - THANKS, QUEER GUY. THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT. 106 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:39,573 HOPEFULLY, WE'LL BE "HAIR" TOMORROW. 107 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:42,443 - MAY ALL YOUR NEWS BE GOOD NEWS. 108 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,445 - AND WE'RE OUT. 109 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,514 - THANK YOU SO MUCH. 110 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,616 - THAT WAS FABULOUS! - AW. 111 00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:49,717 - SEE? YOU'VE EVEN GOT ME DOING IT. 112 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,118 - SORRY, DON. 113 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,486 - SORRY? SINCE YOU'VE BEEN ON THE AIR, 114 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,854 THE RATINGS HAVE GONE UP TWO POINTS. 115 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,989 NOW EVERYBODY WANTS THE QUEER PERSPECTIVE. 116 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:59,126 CHANNEL NINE HAS EVEN HIRED A TRANNY WEATHER, UH, PERSON. 117 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,762 - WELL, LET'S JUST HOPE HE-SHE CAN DECIDE 118 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,664 IF IT'S GOING TO BE RAINY OR FAIR. 119 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:04,932 - EITHER WAY, YOUR FANS ARE GOING TO BE 120 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,133 LINED UP AROUND THE BLOCK TO SEE YOU 121 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,501 TOMORROW AT HOFFMAN'S. 122 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,002 - SO MANY IN NEED, SO LITTLE TIME. 123 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:12,640 - AND WAIT TILL YOU READ YOUR...FAN MAIL. 124 00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,875 - FAN MAIL? FOR ME? 125 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:19,379 - EVEN PEOPLE WHO HATE FAGS LOVE YOU. 126 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,818 - HERE YOU GO, HON. - OH. 127 00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,054 OH, THANK YOU, CARL, BUT... 128 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:31,792 HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK I COULD KEEP IT DOWN. 129 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,661 - ARE YOU STILL HURTING? - [whimpers] 130 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,196 - POOR BABY. 131 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,499 DID YOU TAKE WHAT DR. MACGRATH PRESCRIBED? 132 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:39,767 - THAT QUACK? 133 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,934 HE OUGHT TO BE SPLIT AND QUARTERED 134 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,836 AND SERVED WITH ORANGE SAUCE. 135 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,807 OH, HONEY... 136 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,576 I MEAN, THERE ARE ALL THESE NEW DISEASES. 137 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:52,112 YOU KNOW, DAMN DOCTORS CAN'T KEEP UP WITH IT. 138 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,714 HMM. 139 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,584 WHAT IF IT'S MAD COW OR THAT BIRD FLU? 140 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,951 COME TO THINK OF IT, 141 00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,520 A PIGEON SHIT ON MY SHOULDER THE OTHER DAY. 142 00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:00,788 I'VE GOT TO REMEMBER TO TELL THAT 143 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,723 TO THE NEW DOCTOR. - NEW DOCTOR? 144 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,993 - I'M GETTING A SECOND OPINION. 145 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,828 ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE LIKE A FOURTH. 146 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,830 - OKAY, THAT'S IT. 147 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,868 - WHO'RE YOU CALLING? - THE STATION. 148 00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:17,070 - I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU. - CARL, PLEASE, NO. 149 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,206 IT'LL JUST MAKE IT WORSE, ALL RIGHT? 150 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,208 THINKING THAT I'M KEEPING YOU FROM WORK. 151 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,143 - [sighs] 152 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:31,218 - YOU GO SOLVE A MURDER OR TWO. 153 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,620 - I WISH I COULD SOLVE THIS. 154 00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:36,724 - GENTLY, GENTLY. 155 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,959 - LOOK, PROMISE YOU'LL CALL ME 156 00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,861 AS SOON AS YOU HEAR WHAT THE DOCTOR SAYS. 157 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,930 - I PROMISE. 158 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:47,968 OOH! 159 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,903 [gasps] 160 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,906 IT'S OKAY, HONEY. 161 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,580 - I'LL BE AT HOFFMAN'S DEPARTMENT STORE 162 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,048 TODAY FROM 1:00 TO 3:00, 163 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,516 SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, 164 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:05,986 GIVING TIPS ON HOW TO BE FABULOUS. 165 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:09,256 BE SURE TO STOP BY. 166 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,658 OH, TEDDY, I FEEL AS IF 167 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,860 I'VE FINALLY FOUND MY CALLING, 168 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,528 THAT GOD HAS APPOINTED ME FROM ABOVE 169 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,630 TO DO HIS WORK BELOW. 170 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:20,868 - SAINT EMMETT, PATRON SAINT OF THE FASHION IMPOVERISHED, 171 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,036 THE STYLE DEPRIVED. - YOU LAUGH, 172 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,773 BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ALMOST HOLY 173 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,641 ABOUT SAVING THE THOUSANDS OF WALKING DISASTERS 174 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,910 IN THIS TOWN. 175 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,913 OF WHICH HE IS DEFINITELY NOT ONE. 176 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,753 BELIEVE THAT GUY? 177 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:42,623 WALKED RIGHT BY, DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME. 178 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,625 - BUT I RECOGNIZE HIM. 179 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:47,227 - IS HE SOMEONE? 180 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,563 - OH, HE'S SOMEONE, ALL RIGHT. 181 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,968 PRIDE 2002. 182 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,303 WE HAD AMAZING SEX. 183 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,105 AT LEAST, I THOUGHT SO. 184 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,642 THEN THE NEXT DAY, MET HIM AT WOODY'S. 185 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,645 HE TOLD ME ONCE A YEAR HE FINDS SOME LOSER GUY. 186 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,648 - LIKE YOU, AND I GIVE HIM A BREAK. 187 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:10,651 I GIVE HIM-- I GIVE HIM ME. 188 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,786 THE FUCK OF HIS LIFE. 189 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,955 YOU KNOW, SOMETHING HE CAN REMEMBER. 190 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,824 IT'S LIKE A SOUVENIR. 191 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:20,227 IT'S MY WAY OF GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. 192 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,329 - TEDDY, THAT WAS EONS AGO. 193 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:23,697 LOOK AT YOU NOW, THIN, GORGEOUS, 194 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,933 GUYS FALLING ALL OVER YOU. 195 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,200 - IT WAS THE SINGLE MOST HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE 196 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,201 OF MY LIFE. 197 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,204 EVERYBODY CALLED ME... 198 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:34,074 "AUNT PITY FUCK." 199 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,343 - WELL, AS PAINFUL AS IT MAY HAVE BEEN, 200 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:39,780 YOU JUST HAVE TO LET IT GO. 201 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,590 - OR GET EVEN. 202 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,695 - I'M NOT GONNA MAKE HIM NERVOUS. 203 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,998 I'LL SIT IN THE BACK. HE WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M THERE. 204 00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,967 WELL, I-I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM IN ACTION. 205 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,102 WE'LL STOP BY THE STORE AFTERWARDS. 206 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:07,407 I'LL TAKE YOU BOTH TO DINNER. 207 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,110 LOVE! 208 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,713 OH, GOD. 209 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,848 CALLIE? 210 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,149 IT'S BEN. 211 00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,385 - MR. BRUCKNER. I KNOW. HUNTER'S DAD. 212 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,287 - HEY, I CAME TO WATCH HIM DEBATE. 213 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,890 WHICH WAY IS THE AUDITORIUM? 214 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,726 - AS YOU GO IN, IT'S ON THE RIGHT. 215 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:26,727 - AH. 216 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,929 [both laugh] 217 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,732 - BUT I DON'T THINK THERE'S A DEBATE. 218 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:35,135 THEY'RE--THEY'VE GOT A CHORUS PRACTICE. 219 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,037 - WELL, YOU SURE? 220 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,677 - IS HUNTER OKAY? 221 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:47,014 HE HASN'T BEEN IN SCHOOL ALL WEEK. 222 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,415 - OH, HE'S FINE. 223 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:53,721 I-I GUESS I MUST'VE MISUNDERSTOOD HIM. 224 00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,961 - THIS PINK STRIPED SHIRT 225 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,230 WILL LOOK FAB UNDER THIS JACKET. 226 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,766 AND OH, OH, OH. 227 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:09,169 AND SEE HOW THIS TIE REALLY MAKES IT POP? 228 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,438 - FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE WHAT CLOTHES IRWIN WEARS. 229 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,774 HE TOOK YOUR ADVICE FROM THE OTHER NIGHT AND SHAVED HIS HEAD, 230 00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:16,176 YOU KNOW, EMBRACED HIS BALDNESS? 231 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:17,978 NOW I BARELY LET HIM OUT OF THE BEDROOM. 232 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,313 - I CAN'T TELL YOU 233 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,915 HOW MUCH IT WARMS MY HEART TO KNOW 234 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,817 I'M KEEPING HETEROS HORNY. 235 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,786 OKAY. ALL RIGHT, BE BACK IN FIVE. 236 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:28,055 IT'S TINKLE TIME! [chuckles] 237 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,057 - YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR! - OH. 238 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,459 - MWAH. LOOK AT THIS CROWD. - YEAH. 239 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:33,794 - SECOND ONLY TO WHEN THE STONES 240 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:34,862 PLAYED THREE RIVERS STADIUM. 241 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:39,066 both: MWAH, MWAH. 242 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,801 - BRIAN? 243 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,102 I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS 244 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,804 THAT YOU'D SHOW UP TO SUPPORT ME. 245 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,505 - WELL, I NEEDED SOCKS. 246 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,274 - DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HIM. 247 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,876 - HE'S AS PROUD OF YOU AS WE ARE. AREN'T YOU? 248 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,744 - [scoffs] 249 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,079 YEAH, IT'S AN HONOR TO COUNT AMONG 250 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,346 OUR CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIENDS 251 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,149 TELEVISION'S LATEST GAY EUNUCH. 252 00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:57,751 - EXCUSE ME? 253 00:11:57,785 --> 00:12:01,488 - YOU KNOW, AS IN NON-SEXUAL, 254 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,957 NON-THREATENING, 255 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,159 BALL-LESS. 256 00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:09,229 YOU DO HOMAGE TO A LONG AND ILLUSTRIOUS LINE 257 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:10,964 OF LOVABLE, LAUGHABLE CLOWNS 258 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,866 WHO'VE COME BEFORE YOU. 259 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:17,170 WHY, JUST LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE! 260 00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:18,839 - THEY'RE MY FANS. 261 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:19,973 THEY ADORE ME. 262 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,376 - BECAUSE YOU'RE SO CUTE. 263 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,779 BUT DO YOU THINK THEY'D STILL ADORE YOU 264 00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:29,917 IF THEY KNEW YOU TOOK IT UP THE ASS AND LIKED IT? 265 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,919 - LIKE I SAID, BRIAN, 266 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,253 I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS 267 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,857 THAT YOU'D SHOW UP TO SUPPORT ME. 268 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:40,127 - ANY TIME. 269 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,328 - I JUST LOVE YOU. 270 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,130 YOU'RE SO CUTE! 271 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,464 - THANK YOU. TH-THANK-- 272 00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,901 - MA'AM. MA'AM, STEP BACK, PLEASE. 273 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,472 - HE'S BEEN LYING TO US? 274 00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,075 - I'M SURE THERE'S A REASON. 275 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,543 I DIDN'T SAY A GOOD REASON. 276 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,278 - BUT I THOUGHT HE TRUSTED US, 277 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,280 THAT, YOU KNOW, HE TOLD US EVERYTHING. 278 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,349 - DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER EVERYTHING WHEN YOU WERE 17? 279 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,884 - I DIDN'T HAVE TO. 280 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,819 THERE WERE HIDDEN MONITORS IN EVERY ROOM. 281 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,220 SHE HAD A HOMING DEVICE IMPLANTED 282 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,089 IN MY BRAIN SOON AFTER BIRTH. 283 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,291 IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION HOW SHE AUTOMATICALLY KNEW. 284 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,026 - HERE HE-- HERE HE COMES. 285 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,428 NOW, LET'S TRY NOT TO LET OUR EMOTIONS RUN AMOK. 286 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,064 - WELL, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. 287 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:20,067 YOU COME FROM A LONG LINE OF REPRESSED ALCOHOLICS. 288 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,334 - SORRY I'M LATE. 289 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,903 I WAS IN DEBATE CLUB. 290 00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,437 THIS WEEK'S TOPIC IS... 291 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:28,341 - SECRETS AND LIES? 292 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:31,511 WE KNOW YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN SCHOOL ALL WEEK. 293 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,184 [door closes] 294 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,485 - BETTER. 295 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,856 - WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? 296 00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:43,991 I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. 297 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,526 - WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT. 298 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,128 - WE WANT TO HELP YOU. 299 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,863 - YOU CAN'T HELP ME. NOBODY CAN HELP ME. 300 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:50,964 IT'S TOO LATE. 301 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,332 - IT'S NEVER TOO LATE. 302 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,234 - LOOK, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A TOUGH FEW WEEKS. 303 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,369 - TRY YEARS. 304 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:59,106 - OKAY. OKAY, BUT THERE'S GOT TO BE A SOLUTION. 305 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,041 - I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT SCHOOL. 306 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:02,075 EVERYBODY JUST STARES AT ME 307 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,410 LIKE I'M A PIECE OF SHIT, 308 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,511 AND WHEN THEY DO, THAT'S HOW I FEEL. 309 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,080 - YOU'RE NOT A PIECE OF SHIT. 310 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,249 YOU'RE A BRAVE, SMART, FUNNY, WONDERFUL PERSON. 311 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,618 - AND YOU'RE OUR SON. - AND WE LOVE YOU. 312 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,086 - AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO US. 313 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,488 WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. 314 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,258 - YOU HAVE NO IDEA. 315 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,029 [door closes] 316 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:27,667 - HOW ABOUT A BARBECUE GRILL? 317 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,369 OR MAYBE FIREPLACE TOOLS. 318 00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:30,637 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 319 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,239 - I THINK IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING 320 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,974 ABOUT THEIR GODDAMN HOUSEWARMING GIFT, 321 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:38,278 I'M GOING TO BURN THEIR FUCKING PLACE DOWN. 322 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:41,114 ANOTHER ROUND. - WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? 323 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,249 - I HAVE NO PROBLEM. 324 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,684 I AM PROBLEM-LESS. 325 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,586 A PROBLEM-FREE ZONE. 326 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,189 - THEN HELP ME PICK SOMETHING OUT. 327 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,324 - [sighs] 328 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,998 - A HANDS-FREE TOILET. 329 00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,267 "SENSES YOU ARE THERE AND AUTOMATICALLY FLUSHES." 330 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,269 - YEAH. 331 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,671 300 BUCKS DOWN THE CRAPPER. 332 00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:07,140 - ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG? 333 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:08,341 - NO. 334 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,377 - FINE. 335 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,354 - [clicks tongue] 336 00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,690 ANYWAY... 337 00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:26,293 YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. 338 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:30,163 - I'LL SHOW YOU MY S.A.T. SCORES. 339 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:31,464 - YOU'RE TOO YOUNG. 340 00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:33,300 - COMPARED TO WHO? 341 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:38,705 - WHOM. - YOU? 342 00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:41,108 - THAT HOT GUY, I FOLLOWED INTO THE BACK ROOM 343 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,342 THE OTHER NIGHT? 344 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,711 - WHAT ABOUT HIM? 345 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:50,183 - WHEN I WENT FOR HIS COCK... 346 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,185 NEVER MIND. 347 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:56,223 - WOULD YOU JUST SAY IT? 348 00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:58,058 - MY HAND. 349 00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:01,228 - "YOUR HAND"? 350 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:06,399 WHAT? 351 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,469 [scoffs] 352 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,770 IF IT'S ANY COMFORT, YOU'RE STILL 353 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:14,341 THE HOTTEST GUY IN PITTSBURGH. 354 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,608 [pages rustling] NOW HELP ME OUT HERE. 355 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,244 WE CAN'T SHOW UP WITHOUT A GIFT. 356 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,246 - I'M NOT GOING TO THEIR FUCKING PARTY. 357 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,747 - WHY NOT? 358 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:25,485 - BECAUSE I'M GOING TO A FUCKING PARTY. 359 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:28,155 - [moaning] 360 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,223 - OW! STOP! 361 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:31,691 IT--IT HURTS! 362 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:34,527 - COME ON, CARL, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. 363 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,363 - [groaning] 364 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,098 JESUS, YOU'RE KILLING ME! 365 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,299 - WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON? 366 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,300 - [groans] 367 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,701 - [sighs] 368 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,236 CARL'S LETTING ME PRACTICE WAXING HIS BACK 369 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:44,371 FOR AN UPCOMING SEGMENT. 370 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,406 - CHRIST. 371 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,308 I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRACTICING SOMETHING ELSE. 372 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,542 - OKAY, THAT'S IT. 373 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,144 I-I-I'VE HAD IT. 374 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,046 - YOU'RE ONLY HALF-WAXED. - YEAH. 375 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:57,584 AND IF YOU GO DOWN ANY FURTHER, I'LL BE HALF-ASSED. 376 00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:58,785 - HOW ABOUT YOU, DEB? 377 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:01,488 WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A LANDING STRIP? 378 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:05,125 - THANKS, BUT I PREFER TO KEEP THE ENTIRE AIRPORT. 379 00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,526 - GOT A TEMPERATURE? 380 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:07,694 - NO. 381 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:11,664 DAMN IT. 382 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,166 - WHAT'D THE NEW DOCTOR SAY? 383 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,601 - HE SAID I'M DYING... 384 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,069 OF PERFECT HEALTH. 385 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:18,671 WISE ASS. 386 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,407 MAYBE THIS'LL BRING DOWN MY FEVER. 387 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,176 - YOU JUST SAID YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER. 388 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,078 - THAT'S WHAT THE THERMOMETER SAID. 389 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:28,047 I KNOW I'M BURNING UP. 390 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,724 - DEB, DO YOU... 391 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,626 THINK I'M PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE? 392 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,362 YOU KNOW, SEXY? 393 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,564 - WELL, KEEPING IN MIND 394 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:47,500 THAT I'M A HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN OF A CERTAIN AGE, 395 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,170 AND YOU'RE QUEER AS THEY COME... 396 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,704 FUCK, YEAH. 397 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,173 - GOOD. 398 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,308 'CAUSE BRIAN SAID THE ONLY REASON 399 00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:56,576 PEOPLE LIKE THE QUEER GUY IS 400 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,111 BECAUSE I'M NON-THREATENING, 401 00:17:58,145 --> 00:17:59,746 SEXLESS, A EUNUCH. 402 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,449 - WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW? 403 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,716 - ACTUALLY, A LOT. 404 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,352 - YEAH? WELL, HE'S WRONG. 405 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,787 HELL, YOU HAVE MORE SEX THAN ANYONE I KNOW, 406 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,257 'CEPT ME, OF COURSE. 407 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:13,460 SINCE CARL MOVED IN. 408 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,362 LET'S FACE IT, HONEY, 409 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:18,131 MOST VIEWERS DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT GAYS HAVING SEX. 410 00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,667 I MEAN, THE THOUGHT OF TWO GUYS KISSING, 411 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,669 MUCH LESS, UM, 412 00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,471 YOU KNOW, TAKING IT UP THE ASS-- 413 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,407 IT JUST MAKES THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. 414 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,478 - BRIAN SAID THAT TOO. 415 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,613 WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING? 416 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:36,349 IT'S TIME THEY GOT OVER IT. 417 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:39,352 [pop music in background] 418 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:47,294 * 419 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,169 - MIND SPOTTING ME? 420 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,137 - SURE. 421 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:13,386 DON'T I KNOW YOU? 422 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:16,656 - DON'T THINK SO. 423 00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,292 - I'M TROY. 424 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,494 - TED. 425 00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:27,800 - HEY, I KNOW WHERE I KNOW YOU FROM. 426 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,437 - YOU DO? - SOUTH BEACH, RIGHT? 427 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,739 WE HOOKED UP. 428 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,407 - NOPE. 429 00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:37,277 NEVER BEEN THERE. - OH. 430 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,446 WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO? 431 00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,281 - GO TO SOUTH BEACH? 432 00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:44,684 - HOOK UP. 433 00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,587 [weights clatter] 434 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,728 - SURE. 435 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,297 - AND IN OUR RESEARCH WE'VE FOUND 436 00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,432 THAT ONCE A WOMAN REACHES THE AGE OF 35, 437 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:02,502 SHE'S ALL BUT INVISIBLE TO MOST MEN. 438 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:06,373 - AND YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM VISIBLE AGAIN. 439 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,841 OR AT LEAST MAKE THEM THINK THAT THEY CAN BE. 440 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,977 - OUR NEW ANTI-AGING CREAM OFFERS HOPE, 441 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,313 MORE CONFIDENCE, AND A FEW LESS WRINKLES. 442 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,714 ALL WE NEED IS A BRILLIANT CAMPAIGN 443 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,449 AND A PERFECT PRODUCT NAME. 444 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:21,621 - I'M...SURE I CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING. 445 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:25,458 - YOU MEN ARE SO DAMN LUCKY 446 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:28,295 YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SUCH THINGS. 447 00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:35,535 - DON'T BE SO SURE. 448 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:42,008 "VISIBLE." 449 00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,743 - WHAT? 450 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,346 - THAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR NEW PRODUCT. 451 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:47,880 - "VISIBLE." - MM-HMM. 452 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,349 - I LIKE THAT. 453 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:53,786 "VISIBLE." 454 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,822 - WELL, YOU CAME UP WITH IT. 455 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,056 YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT. 456 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,626 WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE? 457 00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:07,567 * 458 00:21:58,885 --> 00:22:00,653 [chuckles] 459 00:22:05,024 --> 00:22:08,461 [clears throat] 460 00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,830 - AREN'T YOU GLAD YOUR ASSHOLE PARENTS 461 00:22:10,863 --> 00:22:12,365 WORKED THROUGH THEIR SHIT? 462 00:22:12,399 --> 00:22:13,833 YES. 463 00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:15,768 'CAUSE NOW GRAMMA CAN HOLD YOU 464 00:22:15,802 --> 00:22:18,104 WITHOUT ONE OF THEM THINKING I'M A GODDAMN TRAITOR. 465 00:22:18,137 --> 00:22:20,873 [baby fusses] - THAT'S RIGHT. AW. 466 00:22:20,907 --> 00:22:24,010 - BOY, YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO SWEET-TALK A BABY, DEB. 467 00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:25,745 - I'M JUST GLAD IT ALL WORKED OUT. 468 00:22:25,778 --> 00:22:27,113 - YEAH. 469 00:22:27,146 --> 00:22:28,515 WE'LL SEE. - HEY, KIKI. 470 00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:30,049 WHERE'S THE FUCK'S MY CHECK? 471 00:22:30,082 --> 00:22:31,718 - I ALREADY GREW TITS. 472 00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:35,455 YOU WANT ME TO GROW ANOTHER HAND? 473 00:22:35,488 --> 00:22:36,989 - OY, THINGS AREN'T QUITE THE SAME 474 00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,591 AROUND HERE SINCE YOU LEFT. 475 00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,593 - OY, SO I NOTICE. 476 00:22:40,627 --> 00:22:42,629 - EXCUSE ME, MISS? 477 00:22:42,662 --> 00:22:44,030 - KIKI, THIS IS COLD. 478 00:22:44,063 --> 00:22:45,498 - OH, I DON'T KNOW. - CAN I GET THAT COFFEE? 479 00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:46,733 - THE WAY I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY, 480 00:22:46,766 --> 00:22:49,469 I BARELY HAD THE ENERGY TO CRAWL HERE. 481 00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:51,471 - HAVE YOU BEEN TO SEE A-- - FIVE OF 'EM. 482 00:22:51,504 --> 00:22:53,039 ALL CLAIM TO HAVE DEGREES. 483 00:22:53,072 --> 00:22:55,007 NOT ONE OF THEM SAYS THEY CAN TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG. 484 00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:56,609 - HEY! CAN WE GET A MENU? 485 00:22:56,643 --> 00:22:58,010 - I-I ASKED FOR CREAM. 486 00:22:58,044 --> 00:22:59,946 - WHERE'S MY FUCKING LUNCH? 487 00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:01,648 - [rings bell] YOUR FOOD IS UP. 488 00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:03,483 - [groans] 489 00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:05,752 I'M A TRANNY ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. 490 00:23:05,785 --> 00:23:07,019 [hyperventilating] 491 00:23:07,053 --> 00:23:08,955 SIT DOWN, CALM YOUR NERVES. 492 00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:11,491 - I-- 493 00:23:11,524 --> 00:23:13,793 * 494 00:23:13,826 --> 00:23:15,495 THAT'S THE FISH AND CHIPS WITH SLAW 495 00:23:15,528 --> 00:23:16,796 AND THE TURKEY BURGER WITH THE FRIES. 496 00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:17,897 HERE ARE YOUR MENUS. 497 00:23:17,930 --> 00:23:20,500 SPECIALS ARE ON THE BOARD. 498 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:22,835 2%. IT'S BETTER FOR YOU THAN CREAM. 499 00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:26,939 * 500 00:23:30,877 --> 00:23:33,045 - DEB, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. 501 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:34,781 - YEAH? 502 00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:37,850 - B.F.M. 503 00:23:37,884 --> 00:23:42,121 - "B.F.M"? 504 00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:44,991 SOUNDS SERIOUS. 505 00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:46,593 WHAT IS IT? 506 00:23:46,626 --> 00:23:51,864 - "BORED OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND". 507 00:23:51,898 --> 00:23:53,132 [baby fusses] 508 00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:54,834 - HMM. 509 00:23:56,035 --> 00:23:57,937 - LISTEN UP, STRAIGHT BOYS. 510 00:23:57,970 --> 00:23:59,806 TAKE A TIP FROM THE QUEER GUY. 511 00:23:59,839 --> 00:24:03,075 WEARING THESE WILL NOT GET YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO GO, 512 00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:05,011 COMPRENEZ-VOUS? 513 00:24:05,044 --> 00:24:06,813 THESE, HOWEVER, 514 00:24:06,846 --> 00:24:09,215 WILL DEFINITELY GENERATE A LITTLE FRICTION. 515 00:24:09,248 --> 00:24:12,685 I KNOW BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN TO BE MY VERY OWN PAIR. 516 00:24:12,719 --> 00:24:16,088 THEY SET OFF YOUR NICE, TIGHT... 517 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,624 "ASS-SETS," 518 00:24:17,657 --> 00:24:21,894 AND, UH, NOTICE THE POUCH IN THE CROTCH. 519 00:24:21,928 --> 00:24:24,497 IF YOU NEED A LITTLE HELP, YOU CAN STUFF A SOCK 520 00:24:24,531 --> 00:24:26,833 OR HAMSTER IN THERE. [chuckles] 521 00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:28,234 I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED THE CAVALRY 522 00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:29,602 TO COME TO MY RESCUE. 523 00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:31,838 MY CUP IS FILLED TO THE RIM, 524 00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:34,741 WHICH LEADS US TO ANOTHER TOPIC, 525 00:24:34,774 --> 00:24:36,175 BUT NOT TONIGHT. 526 00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:37,910 I'M THE QUEER GUY. 527 00:24:37,944 --> 00:24:41,047 BE FABULOUS! 528 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,983 [upbeat music] 529 00:24:44,016 --> 00:24:47,987 - THANK YOU, QUEER GUY, FOR THAT "BRIEF" REPORT. 530 00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:50,022 THAT'S THE NEWS. WE'LL BE BACK AT 11:00. 531 00:24:50,056 --> 00:24:51,758 - WE'RE OUT. 532 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:55,728 - I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME 533 00:24:55,762 --> 00:24:57,864 YOU WERE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HAIR-WAXING. 534 00:24:57,897 --> 00:24:59,165 - WELL, WAXING IS VITAL, 535 00:24:59,198 --> 00:25:00,767 BUT IT'S NOT SEXY. 536 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,302 - SEXY? WHO WANTS SEXY? 537 00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:05,271 - DON, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED A FEW WEEKS 538 00:25:05,304 --> 00:25:07,006 AND ALREADY YOU CAN MAKE A STATEMENT LIKE THAT? 539 00:25:07,039 --> 00:25:08,541 YOU MAY NEED COUNSELING. 540 00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:12,679 - AND YOU MAY NEED UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE. 541 00:25:12,712 --> 00:25:13,746 - WHAT? 542 00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:14,914 - DON'T EVER 543 00:25:14,947 --> 00:25:19,151 SHOW US YOUR...SHORTS AGAIN. 544 00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:20,820 - IT'S JUST UNDERWEAR. 545 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,188 - WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO AIR THEM IN PUBLIC. 546 00:25:22,221 --> 00:25:25,992 AND NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A TIGHT... 547 00:25:27,927 --> 00:25:29,161 - ASS? 548 00:25:29,195 --> 00:25:31,297 - OR A BIG... - DICK? 549 00:25:31,330 --> 00:25:33,232 - AND THAT YOU... - FUCK? 550 00:25:33,265 --> 00:25:35,768 WELL, HERE'S A PIECE OF NEWS FOR YOU. 551 00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:37,236 I DO! - WELL, FROM NOW ON, 552 00:25:37,269 --> 00:25:38,838 STICK TO COOKING AND FLOWERS 553 00:25:38,871 --> 00:25:40,773 AND TURNING STRAIGHT GUYS INTO METROSEXUALS, 554 00:25:40,807 --> 00:25:45,344 AND LEAVE YOUR SEX LIFE OFF-SCREEN! 555 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:47,146 GET MCGREGOR ON THE PHONE, NOW. 556 00:25:50,282 --> 00:25:51,651 - JUST TURN OFF THE BACK LIGHTS. 557 00:25:51,684 --> 00:25:53,252 YEAH. DO THAT. 558 00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:57,189 - YOU CAN STAY FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR. 559 00:25:57,223 --> 00:25:59,358 - I TOLD YOU I'M MAKING A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE, 560 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,628 THEN I'M OUT OF HERE. - IT'S FOR MICHAEL. 561 00:26:01,661 --> 00:26:03,930 - HE SHOULD UNDERSTAND BETTER THAN ANYONE, 562 00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:05,131 THE FIRST RULE OF GOING TO A SEX PARTY 563 00:26:05,164 --> 00:26:06,332 IS DON'T COME LATE. 564 00:26:06,365 --> 00:26:07,834 OTHERWISE, YOU MAY NOT COME AT ALL. 565 00:26:07,867 --> 00:26:09,201 - WELL, THAT CERTAINLY GIVES NEW MEANING 566 00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:11,838 TO THE EARLY BIRD CATCHES THE WORM. 567 00:26:11,871 --> 00:26:13,606 - HI! 568 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,142 I'M GLAD YOU COULD COME. 569 00:26:16,175 --> 00:26:18,077 - IT'S ALL I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR. 570 00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:22,281 - HAPPY HOUSEWARMING. 571 00:26:22,314 --> 00:26:24,350 - IS IT A HARNESS AND PADDLE TO GO WITH THE SLING? 572 00:26:24,383 --> 00:26:26,185 - NO. I PICKED THIS ONE OUT. 573 00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:30,823 - YOU GUYS HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB. 574 00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:32,091 - OH, WE'RE NOT THROUGH. 575 00:26:32,124 --> 00:26:33,292 TRUST ME, YOU'RE NEVER THROUGH. 576 00:26:33,325 --> 00:26:35,762 [laughing] - ALL IT TAKES IS TIME. 577 00:26:35,795 --> 00:26:36,763 - AND MONEY. 578 00:26:36,796 --> 00:26:38,364 - YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. 579 00:26:38,397 --> 00:26:41,300 OKAY, UH, SAY SOMETHING FOR POSTERITY. 580 00:26:41,333 --> 00:26:42,969 - I'M FUCKING STARVING. 581 00:26:43,002 --> 00:26:45,972 - [laughs] - OH. SHIT. 582 00:26:46,005 --> 00:26:47,173 - IT'S OKAY, DEB. 583 00:26:47,206 --> 00:26:48,975 I WANTED SOMETHING FOR POSTERITY. 584 00:26:49,008 --> 00:26:51,110 - UM... [clears throat] 585 00:26:51,143 --> 00:26:52,244 POSTERITY. 586 00:26:52,278 --> 00:26:55,381 UH, LET'S SEE. 587 00:26:55,414 --> 00:26:57,850 I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU BOTH, 588 00:26:57,884 --> 00:27:01,688 AND I WISH YOU ALL THE HEALTH AND HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD 589 00:27:01,721 --> 00:27:04,323 IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME. 590 00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:05,892 HOW'S THAT? 591 00:27:05,925 --> 00:27:09,328 - PERFECT. 592 00:27:09,361 --> 00:27:10,897 IT'S AMAZING WHAT THE GAYS HAVE DONE 593 00:27:10,930 --> 00:27:12,398 WITH THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. 594 00:27:12,431 --> 00:27:14,433 IT USED TO BE ALL WHOREHOUSES AND BOOKIE JOINTS. 595 00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:17,003 - I KNOW. I USED TO HANG OUT HERE ALL THE TIME. 596 00:27:17,036 --> 00:27:18,204 - REALLY? [doorbell rings] 597 00:27:18,237 --> 00:27:20,406 - WHEN I WAS A BEAT COP. 598 00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:23,309 - I'LL GET IT. 599 00:27:25,211 --> 00:27:26,178 - HI. - HEY. 600 00:27:26,212 --> 00:27:27,179 - COME ON IN. 601 00:27:27,213 --> 00:27:29,749 HEY, HONEYBUN. 602 00:27:29,782 --> 00:27:31,417 - THANKS FOR INVITING ME, 603 00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:34,020 EVEN THOUGH-- I MEAN... 604 00:27:34,053 --> 00:27:38,324 - WELL, WE'RE STILL FAMILY, AREN'T WE? 605 00:27:38,357 --> 00:27:39,826 - HAPPY NEW HOUSE. [chuckles] 606 00:27:39,859 --> 00:27:40,927 - THANKS. 607 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:41,928 YOU MIND IF I SHOW HER OFF? 608 00:27:41,961 --> 00:27:45,898 - BE MY GUEST. 609 00:27:45,932 --> 00:27:48,801 HEY, EVERYONE, MEET MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. 610 00:27:48,835 --> 00:27:51,203 [all exclaiming] 611 00:27:51,237 --> 00:27:53,239 - HEY. - HI, BABE. 612 00:27:53,272 --> 00:27:55,374 - HEY, LOOK WHO IT IS. - SHE'S CUTE. 613 00:27:55,407 --> 00:27:57,209 - I KNOW! 614 00:27:57,243 --> 00:27:59,712 - FIRST I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM THE FUCKING OF HIS LIFE, 615 00:27:59,746 --> 00:28:01,247 THEN I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM THE MIND-FUCKING OF HIS LIFE. 616 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,315 I'M GOING TO SAY, "ONCE I WAS YOUR PITY-FUCK, 617 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:07,053 BUT TONIGHT YOU'RE MINE, YOU ARROGANT ASSHOLE." 618 00:28:07,086 --> 00:28:08,721 - SPEAKING OF WHICH... 619 00:28:08,755 --> 00:28:10,322 - AREN'T YOU TWO AUNTIES GOING TO GO 620 00:28:10,356 --> 00:28:14,827 "OOH" AND "AHH" OVER THE BABY? 621 00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:18,197 I CAUGHT YOUR UNDERPANTS ON THE NEWS THE OTHER NIGHT. 622 00:28:18,230 --> 00:28:20,199 YOU SAVING YOUR DICK FOR SWEEPS? 623 00:28:20,232 --> 00:28:23,369 - MY PRODUCER HAPPENED TO THINK IT WAS A TERRIFIC SEGMENT. 624 00:28:23,402 --> 00:28:25,104 YEAH, HE SAID IT WAS ABOUT TIME 625 00:28:25,137 --> 00:28:28,074 WE SAW GAY PEOPLE AS FULL, SEXUALISED HUMAN BEINGS, 626 00:28:28,107 --> 00:28:32,979 NOT JUST STEREOTYPIC EUNUCHS AND CLOWNS. 627 00:28:33,012 --> 00:28:36,048 NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. 628 00:28:43,122 --> 00:28:45,157 - OUR DAUGHTER'S A HIT. - HMM. 629 00:28:45,191 --> 00:28:48,360 I'D SAY SO. 630 00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,962 - GLAD YOU CAME. 631 00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:51,831 - MM. 632 00:28:51,864 --> 00:28:55,835 IF FOR NO OTHER REASON, I'M STARVING. 633 00:28:55,868 --> 00:28:59,972 - IT MAKES ME THINK OF OUR HOUSEWARMING. 634 00:29:00,006 --> 00:29:02,374 - IF ANYONE NEEDS PROOF THAT TOILETS 635 00:29:02,408 --> 00:29:04,143 ARE CONTROLLED BY COSMIC FORCES... 636 00:29:04,176 --> 00:29:05,544 - WHY ELSE WOULD THEY BREAK DOWN 637 00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:07,313 TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE GUESTS SHOWED UP? 638 00:29:07,346 --> 00:29:09,315 - A HUNDRED DYKES PEEING IN THE BACKYARD. 639 00:29:09,348 --> 00:29:12,985 - THE BUSHES IN THE BUSHES. 640 00:29:13,019 --> 00:29:18,324 [both giggling] 641 00:29:18,357 --> 00:29:19,859 [clinking] 642 00:29:19,892 --> 00:29:21,027 - EVERYBODY. 643 00:29:21,060 --> 00:29:23,262 - CAN WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? 644 00:29:23,295 --> 00:29:26,999 WE'D JUST LIKE TO WELCOME ALL OF YOU 645 00:29:27,033 --> 00:29:28,400 TO OUR NEW HOME. 646 00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:30,469 - BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME. 647 00:29:30,502 --> 00:29:32,071 - AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO SHARING 648 00:29:32,104 --> 00:29:35,074 MANY HAPPY FAMILY OCCASIONS HERE TOGETHER. 649 00:29:35,107 --> 00:29:37,276 [cheers and applause] 650 00:29:37,309 --> 00:29:39,879 - HAPPY FAMILY OCCASIONS. 651 00:29:39,912 --> 00:29:44,016 - WE ALSO HAVE ANOTHER REASON TO CELEBRATE TONIGHT. 652 00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:47,887 RAGE AND J.T. ARE GETTING MARRIED. 653 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,356 - IT'S ABOUT TIME THOSE TWO SUPERHEROES SETTLED DOWN! 654 00:29:50,389 --> 00:29:53,025 - WHEN DO THEY START RAISING A SUPER FAMILY? 655 00:29:53,059 --> 00:29:54,093 - THAT'S NEXT. 656 00:29:54,126 --> 00:29:55,427 - GOT A COPY FOR EVERYONE. 657 00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:58,965 OUR LITTLE HOUSEWARMING GIFT TO YOU. 658 00:29:58,998 --> 00:30:01,100 HERE YOU GO, BRIAN. 659 00:30:01,133 --> 00:30:04,070 [overlapping chatter] 660 00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:07,806 HERE YOU ARE. - YOU LIKE IT? 661 00:30:10,276 --> 00:30:12,044 - REMINDS ME OF THIS NORMAN ROCKWELL 662 00:30:12,078 --> 00:30:14,313 I SAW IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE WHEN I WAS A KID. 663 00:30:14,346 --> 00:30:18,050 A LITTLE GIRL AND BOY DRESSED AS A BRIDE AND GROOM 664 00:30:18,084 --> 00:30:21,854 AND THEIR ADORABLE PUPPY TUGGING ON THE BRIDAL GOWN. 665 00:30:21,888 --> 00:30:23,355 JUST THEN THE NURSE CAME IN AND STABBED ME 666 00:30:23,389 --> 00:30:25,124 IN THE FINGER FOR BLOOD. 667 00:30:25,157 --> 00:30:27,927 - AND YOU'VE HAD AN AVERSION TO MARRIAGE EVER SINCE? 668 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,197 WELL, I HAPPEN TO THINK IT'S A DAMN GOOD STORY. 669 00:30:31,230 --> 00:30:33,365 JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOUR ANTI-FAMILY VALUES 670 00:30:33,399 --> 00:30:37,069 IS NO REASON TO DUMP ON IT. 671 00:30:37,103 --> 00:30:39,038 - OKAY. 672 00:30:47,279 --> 00:30:49,148 - LET'S GET THE WHOLE FAMILY. 673 00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:50,516 HOW DO YOU WORK THIS THING? 674 00:30:50,549 --> 00:30:52,351 - GOOD IDEA. I'LL--I'LL GET J.R. 675 00:30:52,384 --> 00:30:54,853 YOU GET HUNTER. - OKAY. 676 00:30:57,656 --> 00:30:59,091 HEY, PAL, WE'RE TAKING A VIDEO 677 00:30:59,125 --> 00:31:00,159 OF THE WHOLE FAMILY. 678 00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,094 CARE TO JOIN US? 679 00:31:02,128 --> 00:31:04,163 - WHAT DO YOU WANT ME FOR? 680 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,168 [door closes] 681 00:31:09,201 --> 00:31:13,639 * 682 00:31:13,672 --> 00:31:18,044 [men moaning] 683 00:31:47,473 --> 00:31:50,376 - A BETTER OFFER COMES ALONG. 684 00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:07,960 [men moaning, chuckling] 685 00:32:07,994 --> 00:32:10,262 - OH, YEAH. 686 00:32:12,731 --> 00:32:15,434 - THAT'LL BE $5.25. 687 00:32:15,467 --> 00:32:17,603 THANKS. 688 00:32:17,636 --> 00:32:20,439 ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER. 689 00:32:20,472 --> 00:32:22,441 - YOU KNOW, YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU SELL ONE. 690 00:32:22,474 --> 00:32:24,510 - I DO? WELL, IT MUST BE TRUE. 691 00:32:24,543 --> 00:32:27,113 WE'VE SOLD 536 COPIES ON THE WEBSITE 692 00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:28,580 AND ALMOST 200 HERE IN THE STORE. 693 00:32:28,614 --> 00:32:30,316 - THOSE ARE ALL WE HAVE LEFT. 694 00:32:30,349 --> 00:32:33,452 - EVERYBODY LOVES THAT J.T. FINALLY GOT HIS MAN. 695 00:32:33,485 --> 00:32:35,654 - YEAH, EVERYONE BUT YOU-KNOW-WHO. 696 00:32:35,687 --> 00:32:39,325 - YEAH, I DO KNOW WHO. 697 00:32:39,358 --> 00:32:41,760 WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? 698 00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:44,230 - WHAT DID I EXPECT? 699 00:32:44,263 --> 00:32:48,234 THAT LIFE MIGHT IMITATE ART? 700 00:32:48,267 --> 00:32:51,203 I'VE HEARD IT'S BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN. 701 00:32:51,237 --> 00:32:53,072 AW, HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCKERED 702 00:32:53,105 --> 00:32:54,106 INTO MY OWN FANTASY? 703 00:32:54,140 --> 00:32:56,742 TALK ABOUT PATHETIC. 704 00:32:56,775 --> 00:32:58,610 NOBODY ON EARTH KNOWS BETTER THAN I DO 705 00:32:58,644 --> 00:33:00,146 THAT UNLESS HE WERE GENETICALLY ALTERED 706 00:33:00,179 --> 00:33:01,513 BY SOME NUCLEAR MISHAP, 707 00:33:01,547 --> 00:33:03,749 THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN. 708 00:33:03,782 --> 00:33:05,617 - NOT A BAD STORY. 709 00:33:05,651 --> 00:33:08,154 - MM. BUT THAT'S ALL IT IS. 710 00:33:08,187 --> 00:33:09,488 IT'S A STORY. 711 00:33:09,521 --> 00:33:11,223 [door bells jangle] 712 00:33:11,257 --> 00:33:16,362 - DO YOU HAVE THE NEW ISSUE OF RAGE? 713 00:33:16,395 --> 00:33:18,397 THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME. 714 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,602 - ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER. 715 00:33:25,271 --> 00:33:27,273 - [groans] 716 00:33:29,275 --> 00:33:33,145 WELL, I THINK THE HOUSE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY WARMED, 717 00:33:33,179 --> 00:33:36,348 WOULDN'T YOU SAY? 718 00:33:37,716 --> 00:33:39,251 GREAT PARTY, HUH? 719 00:33:39,285 --> 00:33:41,420 EVERYBODY SEEMED TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. 720 00:33:43,689 --> 00:33:46,125 - YEAH. 721 00:33:46,158 --> 00:33:48,827 IF YOU CALL MELANIE AND LINDSAY DECLARING A CEASE-FIRE, 722 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:52,064 BRIAN LEAVING TO GO TO A SEX PARTY, 723 00:33:52,098 --> 00:33:54,166 AND YOU AND MICHAEL STICKING THAT FUCKING CAMERA 724 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,268 IN MY FACE PRETENDING WE'RE THIS HAPPY FAMILY 725 00:33:56,302 --> 00:33:57,403 HAVING A "GOOD TIME." 726 00:33:57,436 --> 00:34:01,173 - WE'RE NOT PRETENDING. WE ARE. 727 00:34:05,511 --> 00:34:08,414 YOU'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS. 728 00:34:08,447 --> 00:34:11,217 I PROMISE. 729 00:34:11,250 --> 00:34:14,720 - FUCK YOUR FALSE HOPE. 730 00:34:14,753 --> 00:34:18,190 THE WORLD'S A STINKING SHITHOLE. 731 00:34:20,459 --> 00:34:23,329 - [sighs] 732 00:34:23,362 --> 00:34:25,597 I DON'T THINK SARTRE COULD HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER. 733 00:34:25,631 --> 00:34:28,200 - WHO? 734 00:34:29,868 --> 00:34:33,839 - LISTEN, I-I FOUND A GREAT CHARTER SCHOOL. 735 00:34:33,872 --> 00:34:35,607 THEY HAVE A WAITING LIST A MILE LONG, 736 00:34:35,641 --> 00:34:37,376 BUT ONE OF THE PROFESSORS IN MY DEPARTMENT 737 00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:38,844 IS ON THE BOARD, SO I WAS ABLE TO PULL A FEW STRINGS-- 738 00:34:38,877 --> 00:34:41,580 - WHY EVEN BOTHER, HUH? 739 00:34:41,613 --> 00:34:42,781 THEY'LL JUST FIND OUT THERE TOO, 740 00:34:42,814 --> 00:34:47,186 AND THEN IT WILL START ALL OVER AGAIN. 741 00:34:47,219 --> 00:34:51,390 SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF MY GOING TO ANOTHER FUCKING SCHOOL? 742 00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:01,099 - [sighs] 743 00:35:03,769 --> 00:35:06,738 - I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE SINCE YOU LEFT. 744 00:35:06,772 --> 00:35:08,874 SOMEHOW IT'S NOT THE SAME. 745 00:35:08,907 --> 00:35:10,476 - YEAH. 746 00:35:10,509 --> 00:35:14,213 NEITHER AM I. 747 00:35:14,246 --> 00:35:16,348 CARL... 748 00:35:16,382 --> 00:35:21,820 HONEY, I FOUND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. 749 00:35:21,853 --> 00:35:24,623 - I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW... 750 00:35:24,656 --> 00:35:29,161 THAT WHATEVER IT IS... 751 00:35:29,195 --> 00:35:30,762 I'M IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL. 752 00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:34,666 I'LL STAND BY YOU. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. 753 00:35:34,700 --> 00:35:36,402 - I KNOW THAT, SWEETHEART. 754 00:35:36,435 --> 00:35:37,669 THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU. 755 00:35:37,703 --> 00:35:40,172 - OKAY. TELL ME. 756 00:35:40,206 --> 00:35:44,510 NO, WAIT. WAIT. 757 00:35:44,543 --> 00:35:46,312 OKAY. TELL ME. 758 00:35:46,345 --> 00:35:48,514 - FIRST OF ALL, 759 00:35:48,547 --> 00:35:49,781 IT'S NOT A PHYSICAL THING. 760 00:35:49,815 --> 00:35:51,917 - OH! 761 00:35:51,950 --> 00:35:54,386 OOH. 762 00:35:54,420 --> 00:35:56,522 THAT'S A RELIEF. - YEAH. 763 00:35:56,555 --> 00:36:00,259 - THEN WHAT? 764 00:36:00,292 --> 00:36:04,530 - IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN. 765 00:36:04,563 --> 00:36:08,267 EVER SINCE I LEFT HERE, I'VE FELT LOST. 766 00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:09,668 I HAVE NO PLACE TO GO, 767 00:36:09,701 --> 00:36:11,537 I GOT NOTHING TO DO BUT SIT AT HOME 768 00:36:11,570 --> 00:36:14,440 AND BUY A LOT OF SHIT THAT I DON'T WANT OFF THE TV. 769 00:36:14,473 --> 00:36:16,808 - THAT'S WHAT A LADY OF LEISURE'S SUPPOSED TO DO. 770 00:36:16,842 --> 00:36:19,711 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, RELAX. ENJOY YOURSELF. 771 00:36:19,745 --> 00:36:22,981 BE GLAD YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK. 772 00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:25,417 - IT'S FUNNY, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT AS WORK. 773 00:36:25,451 --> 00:36:29,755 - ALL THOSE LONG, HARD HOURS ON YOUR FEET? 774 00:36:29,788 --> 00:36:30,989 JUGGLING PLATES? 775 00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:34,593 - TO ME, IT WAS MORE LIKE A DANCE. 776 00:36:34,626 --> 00:36:37,429 AND I WAS THE PRIMA BALLERINA. 777 00:36:37,463 --> 00:36:38,697 - THIS IS NOT EXACTLY 778 00:36:38,730 --> 00:36:43,502 THE ROYAL BALLET OF PITTSBURGH. 779 00:36:43,535 --> 00:36:46,372 - BUT IT'S MY JOB. 780 00:36:46,405 --> 00:36:49,007 NO, IT'S MORE THAN A JOB. 781 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:53,345 IT'S WHO I AM. 782 00:36:53,379 --> 00:36:56,348 AND I WANT IT BACK. 783 00:36:56,382 --> 00:36:58,917 - [sighs] 784 00:36:58,950 --> 00:37:01,487 I-I WAS JUST... 785 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,989 TRYING TO MAKE IT EASIER ON YOU, HONEY. 786 00:37:04,022 --> 00:37:08,527 BUT IF THIS'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY... 787 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:10,362 [laughs] 788 00:37:10,396 --> 00:37:12,030 LIKE I SAID, 789 00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,333 I'LL STAND BY YOU. 790 00:37:14,366 --> 00:37:17,603 I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. 791 00:37:17,636 --> 00:37:21,273 - THANK YOU, CARL. 792 00:37:23,375 --> 00:37:24,910 NOW, YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS? 793 00:37:24,943 --> 00:37:26,745 - [scoffs] 794 00:37:26,778 --> 00:37:28,647 100% SURE. 795 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,382 - GOOD... 796 00:37:30,416 --> 00:37:32,818 'CAUSE MY SHIFT STARTED FIVE MINUTES AGO. 797 00:37:32,851 --> 00:37:35,887 - [laughs] 798 00:37:35,921 --> 00:37:37,623 SO... 799 00:37:37,656 --> 00:37:38,624 WHAT'LL IT BE? 800 00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:41,293 [both laughing] 801 00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:45,431 [both groaning, grunting] 802 00:37:51,537 --> 00:37:54,473 - [chuckling] 803 00:37:58,076 --> 00:38:00,679 WHOO! 804 00:38:00,712 --> 00:38:01,680 THAT WAS HOT! 805 00:38:01,713 --> 00:38:04,082 [groans] 806 00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:05,517 - THINK SO? 807 00:38:05,551 --> 00:38:07,719 - [panting] YEAH... 808 00:38:09,955 --> 00:38:13,392 YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. 809 00:38:13,425 --> 00:38:15,594 - OH? 810 00:38:15,627 --> 00:38:17,095 - I MEAN IN THIS BUILDING. 811 00:38:17,128 --> 00:38:20,732 FUCKED SOME POOR LOSER. 812 00:38:20,766 --> 00:38:22,601 - YEAH, WELL... 813 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:24,436 THE PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH THEM. 814 00:38:24,470 --> 00:38:25,671 BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. 815 00:38:25,704 --> 00:38:27,806 - [laughs] 816 00:38:27,839 --> 00:38:30,942 ONE OF MY PITY FUCKS. 817 00:38:30,976 --> 00:38:32,411 - YEAH, SPEAKING OF PITY FUCKS-- 818 00:38:32,444 --> 00:38:33,845 - YOU KNOW, 819 00:38:33,879 --> 00:38:36,415 WHEN WE FIRST HOOKED UP AT THE GYM, 820 00:38:36,448 --> 00:38:37,416 I WASN'T SURE. 821 00:38:37,449 --> 00:38:38,950 - THAT I WAS YOUR TYPE? 822 00:38:38,984 --> 00:38:42,721 - THAT YOU'D BE SO HOT. 823 00:38:42,754 --> 00:38:46,124 BUT, MAN, ARE YOU EVER. 824 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,959 LOOK. 825 00:38:47,993 --> 00:38:51,763 I'M STILL HARD. 826 00:38:51,797 --> 00:38:55,701 YOU UP FOR ANOTHER ROUND? 827 00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,903 - ACTUALLY THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY TO YOU. 828 00:38:57,936 --> 00:39:00,939 - THAT YOU WANT TO ROLL ME OVER AND FUCK ME AGAIN? 829 00:39:05,076 --> 00:39:08,880 - WHAT I WANT TO-- 830 00:39:08,914 --> 00:39:12,150 WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO-- TO YOU... 831 00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:16,722 IS, UH... 832 00:39:16,755 --> 00:39:19,090 ROLL OVER. 833 00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:23,895 - OH, YEAH. 834 00:39:25,564 --> 00:39:27,766 - MICHAEL, WE CAN'T FORCE HIM TO GO TO SCHOOL. 835 00:39:27,799 --> 00:39:29,468 - OF COURSE WE CAN. WE'RE HIS PARENTS. 836 00:39:29,501 --> 00:39:30,802 HELL, HE'S ONLY 17. 837 00:39:30,836 --> 00:39:32,471 - YOU CAN QUIT SCHOOL WHEN YOU'RE 16. 838 00:39:32,504 --> 00:39:34,139 BESIDES, IF WE PRESSURE HIM, 839 00:39:34,172 --> 00:39:35,907 WE'LL ONLY PUSH HIM AWAY MORE. 840 00:39:35,941 --> 00:39:37,609 - HE'S GOT TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL, 841 00:39:37,643 --> 00:39:38,777 SO HE CAN GO TO COLLEGE 842 00:39:38,810 --> 00:39:40,512 AND BECOME A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER 843 00:39:40,546 --> 00:39:42,814 AND PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. 844 00:39:45,817 --> 00:39:47,486 WHAT WAS THAT FOR? - THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST. 845 00:39:47,519 --> 00:39:49,020 THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU. 846 00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:51,523 NOW, LET'S JUST GIVE HIM SOME TIME AND SOME SPACE, 847 00:39:51,557 --> 00:39:54,660 AND HOPEFULLY HE'LL COME TO THE RIGHT DECISION. 848 00:40:01,533 --> 00:40:05,571 - OH. HEY, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU FOR DINNER. 849 00:40:05,604 --> 00:40:07,072 JUST BECAUSE I SAID WE'RE HAVING SLOPPY JOES 850 00:40:07,105 --> 00:40:08,774 DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE GOING TO GO CAMPING. 851 00:40:08,807 --> 00:40:09,908 - GOING SOMEWHERE? 852 00:40:09,941 --> 00:40:11,777 - YEAH. 853 00:40:11,810 --> 00:40:12,844 - WELL, EAT FIRST 854 00:40:12,878 --> 00:40:14,680 AND DON'T BE OUT TOO LATE. 855 00:40:14,713 --> 00:40:18,517 - I MEAN I'M LEAVING. 856 00:40:18,550 --> 00:40:20,018 FOR GOOD. 857 00:40:23,489 --> 00:40:24,790 - WH--WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE-- 858 00:40:24,823 --> 00:40:27,225 - I CAN'T STAY HERE ANYMORE, OKAY? 859 00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,194 - NO, IT'S NOT OKAY. 860 00:40:29,227 --> 00:40:32,564 NOW PUT YOUR THINGS AWAY AND SIT DOWN AND EAT, 861 00:40:32,598 --> 00:40:34,533 AND AFTERWARDS WE'LL DISCUSS THIS. 862 00:40:34,566 --> 00:40:37,068 - WE'VE ALREADY DISCUSSED IT. THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. 863 00:40:37,102 --> 00:40:38,670 - WELL, I SAID YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, 864 00:40:38,704 --> 00:40:39,938 AND THAT'S FINAL! - HEY, MICHAEL, MICHAEL. 865 00:40:39,971 --> 00:40:41,607 - WHAT? HE CAN'T JUST LEAVE! 866 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:43,475 WE'RE HIS PARENTS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES, 867 00:40:43,509 --> 00:40:45,577 WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT. WE'RE HIS LEGAL GUARDIANS. 868 00:40:45,611 --> 00:40:46,945 WHAT WE SAY GOES. - HUNTER, HUNTER, 869 00:40:46,978 --> 00:40:48,847 NOTHING IS GOING TO BE SOLVED BY RUNNING AWAY. 870 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:51,149 - I DON'T BELONG HERE! I DON'T BELONG IN THIS HOUSE, 871 00:40:51,182 --> 00:40:53,619 I DON'T BELONG AT THAT SCHOOL. AND I DON'T BELONG WITH YOU! 872 00:40:53,652 --> 00:40:55,554 - OF COURSE YOU BELONG WITH US. 873 00:40:55,587 --> 00:40:58,089 - I'LL ONLY GO ON CAUSING YOU PROBLEMS, 874 00:40:58,123 --> 00:40:59,491 EMBARRASSING YOU. 875 00:40:59,525 --> 00:41:00,959 - YOU DON'T EMBARRASS US. 876 00:41:00,992 --> 00:41:02,027 WE'RE PROUD OF YOU. 877 00:41:02,060 --> 00:41:03,562 - THIS I-IS NOT THE DEBATE TEAM. 878 00:41:03,595 --> 00:41:05,030 THERE'S NO ARGUMENT HERE, 879 00:41:05,063 --> 00:41:09,134 EXCEPT DO YOU WANT APPLESAUCE OR CANNED PEACHES? 880 00:41:09,167 --> 00:41:11,036 HUNTER! 881 00:41:11,069 --> 00:41:14,139 I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO LOCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING ROOM. 882 00:41:19,611 --> 00:41:21,146 - WHERE'RE YOU GOING TO GO? - I DON'T KNOW. 883 00:41:21,179 --> 00:41:22,714 - DO YOU HAVE ANY MONEY? 884 00:41:22,748 --> 00:41:24,583 - WHAT YOU AND MICHAEL GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY. 885 00:41:24,616 --> 00:41:26,017 - NO PLAN, NO MONEY. PERFECT. 886 00:41:26,051 --> 00:41:27,653 HOW DO YOU INTEND TO SUPPORT YOURSELF? 887 00:41:27,686 --> 00:41:28,720 - I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING. 888 00:41:28,754 --> 00:41:31,857 - I BET YOU WILL. 889 00:41:31,890 --> 00:41:34,726 - HEY. HEY. 890 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:38,664 IF YOU NEED MORE, CALL US. 891 00:41:38,697 --> 00:41:40,799 - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? 892 00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:51,076 HUNTER, WAIT. 893 00:41:55,781 --> 00:41:58,717 JUST PUT IT IN YOUR SHOE, SOMEPLACE SAFE. 894 00:42:08,827 --> 00:42:09,928 [door closes] 895 00:42:15,601 --> 00:42:17,302 - HOT OR NOT? 896 00:42:17,335 --> 00:42:18,937 - IT'S HOT. 897 00:42:22,340 --> 00:42:25,543 - NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A RESOUNDING APPROVAL. 898 00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:30,181 - BY THE WAY, WE SOLD OUT EVERY LAST COPY 899 00:42:30,215 --> 00:42:32,317 OF THE MARRIAGE ISSUE, 900 00:42:32,350 --> 00:42:36,722 AND WE GOT ORDERS FOR OVER 300 MORE. 901 00:42:36,755 --> 00:42:38,256 - IF NOT HAVING ANY BALLS 902 00:42:38,289 --> 00:42:42,794 IS WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A GAY SUPERHERO THESE DAYS, 903 00:42:42,828 --> 00:42:47,866 I'D WARN RAGE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF GAYOPOLIS. 904 00:42:47,899 --> 00:42:50,068 - YOU KNOW, IF YOU DIDN'T STAY OUT ALL NIGHT FUCKING, 905 00:42:50,101 --> 00:42:51,937 MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T BE SO CRANKY. 906 00:42:51,970 --> 00:42:53,338 - WHO SAID I WAS FUCKING? 907 00:42:53,371 --> 00:42:54,940 - YOU? 908 00:42:54,973 --> 00:42:59,845 I'M SURE THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE. 909 00:42:59,878 --> 00:43:01,212 - YEAH. 910 00:43:01,246 --> 00:43:03,682 AND SOMEBODY ELSE GOT HIM. 911 00:43:03,715 --> 00:43:06,885 - FINALLY, SOME COMPETITION. 912 00:43:14,325 --> 00:43:17,162 - I DON'T THINK YOU GET IT. 913 00:43:17,195 --> 00:43:19,765 - WHAT? THAT SOMEONE REJECTED YOU? 914 00:43:19,798 --> 00:43:22,033 GOT THE PRIME PIECE OF MEAT? 915 00:43:22,067 --> 00:43:24,335 IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE. 916 00:43:27,405 --> 00:43:29,708 - ONE LITTLE GESTURE. 917 00:43:29,741 --> 00:43:33,645 EASILY OVERLOOKED. 918 00:43:33,679 --> 00:43:35,914 [grunts] BUT THE MEANING IS CLEAR. 919 00:43:35,947 --> 00:43:41,119 IT'S STARTED. 920 00:43:41,152 --> 00:43:44,155 IT'S BEGUN. 921 00:43:49,427 --> 00:43:51,697 [clattering] 922 00:43:55,300 --> 00:43:57,368 [clears throat] 923 00:43:59,838 --> 00:44:01,907 HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? 924 00:44:12,784 --> 00:44:14,753 - YOU KNOW, 925 00:44:14,786 --> 00:44:16,287 WHEN I WAS IN L.A., FUCKING AROUND, 926 00:44:16,321 --> 00:44:18,023 IT WAS FUN AND ALL. 927 00:44:18,056 --> 00:44:21,059 BUT WHEN I CAME BACK HERE 928 00:44:21,092 --> 00:44:22,894 AND YOU SAID THE OFFER STILL STANDS 929 00:44:22,928 --> 00:44:27,465 AND TO PUT MY STUFF IN THE DRAWER... 930 00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:30,035 I WAS HOPING IT MEANT 931 00:44:30,068 --> 00:44:35,206 WE WERE FINALLY GOING TO BE A REAL COUPLE, 932 00:44:35,240 --> 00:44:37,375 LIKE MICHAEL AND BEN. 933 00:44:37,408 --> 00:44:41,312 ONE DAY WE MIGHT HAVE THE THINGS THEY HAVE. 934 00:44:41,346 --> 00:44:44,349 A HOUSE... 935 00:44:44,382 --> 00:44:46,718 MAYBE EVEN A FAMILY. 936 00:44:59,297 --> 00:45:02,801 - HOW'S THIS? 937 00:45:21,419 --> 00:45:23,121 HOT. 938 00:45:25,991 --> 00:45:30,095 * 939 00:45:30,128 --> 00:45:33,364 * I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT 940 00:45:33,398 --> 00:45:37,435 * HELP ME NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE * 941 00:45:37,468 --> 00:45:41,306 * NOW WHAT DO I CARE? 942 00:45:41,339 --> 00:45:44,509 * 'CAUSE WE'RE GOING NOWHERE * 943 00:45:44,542 --> 00:45:46,011 * NOWHERE 944 00:45:46,044 --> 00:45:48,513 * GOING NOWHERE 945 00:45:48,546 --> 00:45:49,981 * NOWHERE 946 00:45:50,015 --> 00:45:51,883 * GOING NOWHERE 947 00:45:51,917 --> 00:45:53,518 * GOING NOWHERE 948 00:45:53,551 --> 00:45:55,787 * GOING NOWHERE 949 00:45:55,821 --> 00:45:57,522 * GOING NOWHERE 950 00:45:57,555 --> 00:45:59,157 * I CAN GO THERE 951 00:45:59,190 --> 00:46:05,130 * 952 00:46:05,163 --> 00:46:07,298 * I CAN GO THERE 953 00:46:07,332 --> 00:46:16,141 * 954 00:46:16,174 --> 00:46:19,577 * I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT 955 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:23,548 * HELP ME NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE * 956 00:46:23,581 --> 00:46:27,418 * NOW WHAT DO I CARE? 957 00:46:27,452 --> 00:46:30,889 * 'CAUSE WE'RE GOING NOWHERE * 958 00:46:30,922 --> 00:46:32,023 * NOWHERE 959 00:46:32,057 --> 00:46:33,558 * GOING NOWHERE 960 00:46:33,591 --> 00:46:35,961 * GOING NOWHERE 961 00:46:35,994 --> 00:46:38,163 * GOING NOWHERE 962 00:46:38,196 --> 00:46:39,831 * GOING NOWHERE 963 00:46:39,865 --> 00:46:41,900 * GOING NOWHERE 964 00:46:41,933 --> 00:46:43,301 * GOING NOWHERE - HELP ME. 965 00:46:43,334 --> 00:46:51,276 * 966 00:47:10,495 --> 00:47:12,063 * GOING NOWHERE 967 00:47:12,097 --> 00:47:13,598 * GOING NOWHERE 968 00:47:13,631 --> 00:47:15,867 * GOING NOWHERE 969 00:47:15,901 --> 00:47:17,969 * GOING NOWHERE 970 00:47:18,003 --> 00:47:20,371 * GOING NOWHERE 971 00:47:20,405 --> 00:47:21,606 * GOING NOWHERE 972 00:47:21,639 --> 00:47:24,542 * I CAN GO THERE 973 00:47:24,575 --> 00:47:28,914 * 65207

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