All language subtitles for Nutty.Professor.II.The.Klumps.2000.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Hey Oh, happy day, happy day
Oh, happy day

Oh, happy day, happy day
Oh, what a happy day

Oh, happy day, happy day
Ooh, ooh, ooh

Oh, happy day, happy day
Oh, yeah, yeah

Oh, happy day, happy day
Oh, what a happy day

Oh, happy day, happy day
Yeah, yeah

Jesus, Jesus
Oh, my Jesus

Jesus, Jesus, Oh, my Jesus
Wash my sins away

Oh, happy day, happy day
Oh, yes it is

He taught me how

To walk
How to walk

Fight and pray

Fight and pray
Yeah, yeah

And then rejoice
happy day, happy day

Happy day
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Ooh!
Oh, happy day, happy day

Well, look what rolled in.

You know, at first, I thought you was
old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.

I'd like to come over there and choke the
life out of you right in front of Jesus.

Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make
me have to whup nobody's head in church.

Ignore him, Lord.
Ignore all his prayers.

He ain't nothing, never did nothing.
Give him a stroke or something.

Do you, Sherman Klump?

Yes, I do.

Indeed, I do.

Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, happy
day, happy day Oh, yeah, happy day

Happy day, happy day.
Happy day, my ass.

Oh, he look handsome.

Oh, my baby's finally getting married. Never
thought I'd live to see the day. Finally.

Oh, here she comes,
here she comes.

I'm gonna cry. I promised myself I'm
wasn't gonna cry. Now I'm gonna cry.

Yeah, all right.
Dynamite.

You may be seated.

Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.

I always knew he'd find
the right girl. Always knew.

You see the Indian in her cheekbones?
Ooh! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.

Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
Sherman! Oh, Lord.

Shh, my baby's so stupid.

Dearly beloved,
we have gathered here today...

to join these two people
in holy matrimony.

Praise the Lord.
The eminent scientist, Professor Sherman Klump...

Mm-hmm.
and his longtime sweetheart,

Denise Gaines.
Oh, Sherman.

If anyone has any reason why these two
should not be wed, let him speak now...

or forever hold his penis.

Oh, Sherman.

That's it, son. Show 'em
what the Klumps are made of!

Sherman, put that away.
Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.

Surprise!

Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy.
What's wrong with you?

This is some scar shit.
Yeah, like The Outer Limits.

No, don't hurt yourself, baby.
You are coming with Buddy.

No! No!
See you later, chunky butt!

No!

And then I wake up
in a cold sweat.

How often do you have this
dream? More and more lately.

You seem to be very fond
of this girl, Denise.

My God, she is so special to me.

But how's she gonna love me when I got Buddy
Love inside me? I wanna be perfect for her.

Perfect?
No one is perfect, Sherman.

You need to understand that
Buddy Love is a representation...

of the uninhibited,
hedonistic id.

He is not a real person.
Buddy Love is real!

Well, he was real, and he does
take control of me sometimes.

You will never learn to
control him... Sherman!

until you accept the fact
that he is apart of you.

Yeah, and the best part too! And
I'll tell you something else, punk!

All these diplomas on this wall
don't make up for the fact...

that you got a little Vienna
sausage in your drawers.

Is that why they call you
a shrink? - Shut up, fat a-

Sorry.

Yeah, yes. Session got a little outta
outta control.

You see, we all have
a little Buddy Love inside us.

Yeah. But we can't
let him rule our lives.

You're in charge, Sherman.
Can you say that for me?

I'm in charge.
Can't hear you.

I'm in charge.
Can't hear you!

I'm in charge!
Sorry about that.

Yeah. Klump in charge! I'm in charge!

He's right. I am in charge.

Klump in charge. Yes, indeed.

Good afternoon, ladies.
Yeah.

Hey, Professor Klump. How's it
going? Fantastic. How about yourself?

Yeah.
Klump in charge.

Afternoon. Good day. Hi.

How you doing?

Wonderful day.

Beautiful day, isn't it, Professor?
Bite me, old hag. Oh!

What?
Uh, uh, I said, he likes me. Look at him wag.

Hey, little fella.
See that little tail wagging?

Have a good day. I'm
in charge. My goodness.

Kinda hot today, huh, Professor?
You have no idea how hot it is.

Hot! Nice and hot!
Oh, Professor! I loved your lecture the other day.

Oh, thankyou.
Thankyou so much.

You're the man. You're
the man. I'm in control.

Yeah, keep tellin'
yourself that, bubble butt!

It is theoretically possible
to isolate the elements...

of an individual's
genetic makeup and separate them.

Now someday, we may be able to locate an
unhealthy risk factor in our DNA and remove it.

Excuse me. Beg your pardon.

I'm sorry.
Excuse me.

Whether this is advisable
is another question entirely.

Oh, my eye!
Oh, Professor Klump.

Oh! Professor Gaines,
how are you?

I was hoping I might be able
to sit in on your lecture.

I'm sure we can accommodate you
since you were so quiet coming in.

Well, it's very hard
to be quiet...

when you're lecturing
on genomic extractions.

I think it's ver exciting.
Oh, lagree completely.

Something about the way the nucleotides
cohere with the target sequence.

Yeah. I always say, ifyou can't be
with the nucleotide that you love,

cohere with
the one you're with.

Yeah.
Uh, anyway as I was-

Uh, I want those
lab reports on my desk.

No excuses.
I'll see you next time.

Professor Gaines.

Oh, Professor Klump.
Yeah.

Um, yes, I was, um-
I was wondering if you had a-

Dean Richmond, we were-
Just having... a little chat.

Don't be bashful,
Professor Gaines.

Pound-for-pound, this big lug's the greatest
scientist on the planet.

And let's be honest, pound-for-pound, he is a planet.
That's said with love.

Did you get those goo-goo clusters I sent you?
Yes, I did, thank you,

but I'm on a diet right now,
so I can't eat 'em.

And it's working beautifully.
No, I'm telling you.

When I came in, with this light and in that outfiit,
you could really think for a second that-

Anyway, you said you had
something to show me.

I am so excited about this, Dean.
You will be too.

You got that?
Come on. Jason, where's our patient?

Right here, Professor. Come on, boy.

Now this is Buster. Buster suffers from
acute arthritis and diminished vision,

which are both signs of advanced aging.

We're gonna see if we can fix all of Buster's
problems right now, aren't we, Buster?

Yes, we are.
This little experiment...

makes use of Professor Gaines's brilliant
research on gene targeting.

Now, if I've composed this formula properly,

this should be most impressive.

All right, Buster.

Jiminy freaking Cricket!

Sherman, this is amazing.

You've just discovered-
The fountain of youth. This is huge.

Do you have any idea
what you've done? This is unbelievable. We're rich.

We're gonna have every
pharmaceutical-company in the world...

lining up
to throw money at us.

Of course, it all has to be
properly tested first.

Exactly, yes. He makes an interesting
point. Here's another. Shut up!

Besides, look at the little fella.
He can lick his own winky again.

There's not a guy in the world
who wouldn't wanna do that.

Klump!
Dean Richmond!

The effect is only temporary.
I'm sorry, sir. You're sorry?

Oh, my goodness. I'm just tring not
to think where that tongue has been!

You all right?

Klump, party of six, please.
Yes, and we're hungry.

Mama, you know, you really look good.
Have you been losing weight?

Oh, thankyou, baby, no, but I'm getting ready
to start a new diet.

Have some of this ambrosia.
I don't even like ambrosia.

Don't tell me you don't like
ambrosia. You had some before, and you liked it.

Have some adventure!
Oh, now I'm a child- I don't know what I like.

...for the all-girls soccer team.

Let me get that for you.
Oh, my baby's so gallant.

Sherman, come here.
And it's called "All the pork you can eat" diet.

You can have all the pork you want.
You can have ham, bacon, sausage.

I got the wrong thing.
Take that. Thank you.

Now I got a full portion.
Whateveryou wanna eat,

just as long as you have three glasses
of grapefruit juice afterwards...

because the grapefruitjuice
breaks down all the unwanted-

Get away from there!
Stop that! Baby!

Honey, get the baby. He's a boy, and boys
don't be doing stuff like that.

Hey! Get your ass-
What?

Please teach that boy manners.
He ain't gonna be acting like no hooligan with me.

That was a spoon or fork? That was a
spoon. All right. Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys.

Oh, this looks fabulous.
Yeah, it looks really good.

How about getting another bottle of
red over here? Get some more wine.

Hey, Ernie, maybe you wanna pace
yourself and take it easy, huh?

Pace myself? Hey, this is a
celebration for Daddy retiring.

We owe it to Daddy togetshit-faced,
andl'm gonnagetshit-faced.

By the way, congratulations, Mr. Klump.

She's so polite. Look here, Denise, you
have to stop that "Mr. Klump" stuff...

'cause I've been hearing that
for the last year or so, and I'm starting to feel old.

I ain't an oldman.
You are an old man.

Ah, shit, Grandma,
what's wrong with you?

If it isn't the Alzheimer's Express
right on schedule!

Stop that! Hi, Mama.
She drove right on my bunion.

Y'all have to excuse me
for being late.

If you weren't my grandmother, boy-
If you weren't my grandmother!

Me and Isaac started getting
kinda frisky in the car.

Ooh!
Had to give him a little appetizer.

Ooh, Mama.

I just lost my damn appetite.
Mama, your dress is undone. Let me zip you up.

Hurry. Zip herup in the back
before she starts looking...

like one of them Zulu hags on the cover
of NationalGeographic.

Clesius, what's wrong with you? That's my mother.
Like that movie, Shaka Zulu.

You know something, Clesius?
Come on. Come on right now!

I'm gonna tell you something.
I got a razor in this bag.

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what.
That ain't even no bag in yourhand. That's your titty.

Clesius!
Oh, Jesus!

She's an old bag with old bag titties.
Clesius, you out of your mind?

He called your grandma's titty
a bag.

Death!
Clesius Marcellus Klump.

If it isn't the world's
oldest living Negro?

Hey, how are things going
on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?

Oh, Clesius, please, be nice to Mr. Isaac.
Goodevening, Mr. Isaac.

Come on and have a seat.

Good evening, Mr. Isaac.
How you doing tonight?

Isaac know I'm playing. I play with Isaac
all the time. You know I'm messing with you.

Oh, yeah, you say
what you wanna say,

but Isaac's still like a Brahma bull
when it comes to relations, right, baby?

You know what they say?
You're as young as you feel.

Well, I must be 197.
Klump, funny you should say that.

Denise and I have been doing some research on aging,
which has proven to be promising.

Ooh, Baby, don't belch in public.

Grandma don't wanna hear
all that nastiness. He bringing the bass, huh?

You plan to eat, you gonna be belching,
cover your mouth.

Hey, look, your grandpa ate
a whole plate of beans,

you don't see me doing
the ol' butt trumpet, do you?

Thank the Lord.
We don't have to hear all that nasty imagery.

Butts and trumpets.
I'm gonna tell my grandson what I wanna say.

Hey, can we get some toothpick?
Some toothpick!

If I wanna put a trumpet in my ass and run around
this restaurant and blow...

"Hallelujah, Yankee Doodle,"
that's my business!

All I'm hearing is trumpets and asses.
I don't wanna hear that.

Hey! You watch it now.

You reach over here again,
you gonna pull back a nub.

Oh, Clesius, she's fine. I like that.

Tell me, don't touch the chicken.
Don't be hitting on people.

I don't be getting hit on,
Sherman, you know that.

Better eat up, Isaac,
'cause you gonna need your strength.

Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch
Mating Season on the Serengeti.

Oooh!
Don't take a lot to get Isaac going.

Time out! Let me call a time out on that.
Lord, my, my.

I don't wanna hear about you old-ass geriatrics.
Oh, yeah, Clesius?

Me and Isaac might be
dried-up geriatrics,

but ain't nothing wrong
with Isaac's love tackle.

Ooh, Mama.
Oh, snap now.

Hmm? What's the matter, Clesius, cat got your tongue?
Step on a nerve, Clesius?

I get you.
Got you, got you. Got ya!

These potatoes sure are
scrumptious, aren't they?

Ain't that a kick in the head.
Yes, they're scrumptious, aren't they?

Potato, my ass.
Ain't that a kick in the head?

What that piece of spaghetti remind you of?
Oh!

Oh, Grandma, now, come on. That's enough now.
Sure enough.

Maybe Mr. Johnson, perhaps?

Oh, Lord have mercy.
Let me tell you, old woman.

What I do in my bedroom is my business.
You understand?

Only thing you do in your bedroom is pull
the lint off your scrotum.

Now it's getting thick.
See? That's the last straw.

I think I'm gonna propose a toast.
Let's make a toast.

To Daddy.
Hear! Hear!

After 35 years of hard work in the
construction business, Thirty-five years!

Daddy's gonna finally get
a chance to relax.

Finally gonna get to relax.
This is true. - Damn right.

And I'd like to say
in front ofeverbody here tonight-

When you gonna stop jiving and
tell everbody you got laid off?

Oh, my God.

He's choking.

Hey, somebody put the "Hemlock" on him?
Put your arm up!

The "Hemlockmove. " Give me a knife
and straw. I'm gonna give him a tracheotomy.

I seen them do it on E.R.

It's allright, folks.
Everything's under control.

Clesius. No, Clesius. Where
you going? Sherman! Clesius!

Dad, where you
going? - Daddy! - Oh!

Now you see what you did, Joe College?
You done messed up the whole party.

Jason, I just know I'm not the one saying
all those awful things.

It was him. You may be right, Professor.
Take a look at this reading.

Right there. Recombining with the gene that governs
testosterone production.

Buddy Love.

I told you.
That's Buddy Love.

Don't panic. Allright.

We should be able to get rid of him.
According to Denise's theories,

we should be able to isolate that gene and extract it.
No, no way.

Professor, what you're talking about
is extremely dangerous.

Those traces of Buddy must've been
in your system this whole time.

You've been able to keep them under control.
Not anymore. He's back now.

He's coming back 'cause he knows
I'm happy and he wanna ruin everthing.

Yeah, but he is not a he.
He is a gene.

He's just part of you.
Oh, no, he's not.

Am I interrupting?

Oh, uh, not at all. We were just
doing some last-minute tests on Buster.

Yeah.

Uh, Sherman, can I talk to you
in private for just a second?

Sherman, I got a call today,

and, well, I've been offered a full professorship
at the University of Maine.

University of Maine? But,
Denise, that's in Maine. Yeah.

Oh.

Well, uh, that's a fine department
over there in Maine.

It is gonna be a...

tremendous loss to Wellman, though.

Well, I haven't decided
to leave just yet. You haven't?

Well, no, I mean-

There's something
very important to me here,

and I'm not so sure
I can just leave it behind.

Well, Denise, you can finish
the research we started on your own.

Sherman, I'm not talking
about research. Really?

Sherman,
you're ver special to me.

Oh, well, uh,
I didn't...

thinkyou and I
would ever- ever-

because of-

How can I put it?
Because I'm- Big.

Yeah. I was gonna say fat,
but, yeah.

Big is better, yep.

Sherman, that doesn't matter to me.
What matters to me is that...

you're kind and decent.

You are...
the most brilliant man I've ever known.

Uh, speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you
from your research,

so, um, I'll talk to you later.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

My goodness.

Professor? You okay?

Yeah. I just don't wanna
hurt her, Jason.

Then you won't.

Hey, you can control Buddy.

You know, it's funny how you get used to certain
things in life, you know?

You get used to being overweight.
I know I did.

You even get used to people
making fun of you.

Somewhere along the line,
I got used to being alone.

And I just don't wanna
be alone anymore.

Denise! Denise!

Oh, Sherman,
the flowers are beautiful.

But what are you doing down there?
Please, come inside.

Just a minute. Let me do something first.
Come here, guys.

Denise,
I just wanna say that...

working along side you
this past year,

getting to know you
and be close to you-

it's been the most
wonderful time of my life.

The most wonderful time
of his life

How lovely.

I'd just like to say that-

it doesn't matter if you wanna
take that other job or if you wanna stay here.

What matters to me most
is that you're happy.

Denise, I have something
that I wanna ask you.

He wants to ask you

Denise-
Denise Gaines-

Yes, Sherman?
Denise, will you-

Well, ask her!

Denise, will you
Hey, Sherman. You hear me, Sherman?

Denise, will you-
will you...

let me come up there
and put my beef in your taco?

Put the beef in your taco
What?

Oh, no, no, no, no!

That's not what I meant to say,
Denise. That was a little joke.

A little joke. I wanted to see if you
wanted to go out and get Mexican food.

That's why I said that.
Well, I am kinda hungry, but I'm not-

Yeah, you are, huh?
I bet you could standfor a big ol' Whopper right now.

A big ol' Whopper right now

You're sick!
I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself.

Yeah, and I'm loaded
with secret sauce.

Yeah! Come on!

Back that thang up!
Yeah!

Come on! Come on!
Yeah!

Yeah!

Come on!
Make it funky!

You're gonna ruin my lawn,
you pervert!

Put on the good ass!

Sherman, I don't know what's gotten into you,
but I don't like it at all!

Hah, way to go, Sherman!
Oh, my goodness!

You haven't seen the last of me, Sherman!
Oh, my goodness, what'd I do?

Denise!
Denise!

I'm gonna pee on myself.
I'm gonna pee in your pants!

Okay, Buddy,
it's time foryou to go.

That's sexy.

You-ou-ou've got
the magic touch

Ooh, hoo
Hey, what you playing that for?

I thought it'd be soothing. It'd be soothing
if you turned that shit off so I can sleep.

Oh, Clesius,
you haven't even looked at me.

I know what you look like. We married for 44
years. I look at you ever day, all day long.

I know just what you look like.
Clesius, please, look at me!

Damn.
Now here we go.

You got a show tonight?
What you got that on for?

Well, if you don't know after 44 years of
marriage, I don't know what to say to you.

You should say good night and take that damn
rag off that lamp before we burn something down.

Hell.

There!

What about Viagra?

Viagra don't work for me.
I've been taking 'em like M&M's.

Look, Clesius,
maybe it's psychosomatic.

I seen on Oprah once that this happen to men
after they get fired.

Um, Imean, retired. You know, sometimes
you lose yourself-esteem.

Lose self-esteem?
I ain't lost no self-esteem.

You're always yapping about it.
You won't never let up! Forget it!

You're like a broken record. Ever time I
turn around, "Clesius, how you feeling now?"

"You got the groove now?"
Ever time I walk in the room,

I don't even wanna hear it. you shake your ass,
tring to get me stimulated.

Go to sleep, please.
Let it happen naturally.

Never mind, Clesius!
Never mind!

I mean, I'm sorry to yell and scream, but you got
too much pressure on me!

You want tenderness?
Ease up on the pressure.

Too much pressure for me.

Slowit down, Isaac.
No, no, baby, I'm overhere.

Now, there they go.

Now, you're fine now.
Isaac, you're a champion.

That's your old-ass mother. Hey!
My mama has a healthy libido.

Gotta slowit down! lain't taking
nobody to the emergency room tonight!

Somebody break their leg,
gonna stay broke this time.

Isaac! Bingo. Pokeno.

Professor? Professor?
Hey.

Professor?
Hey, Professor!

Wake up.
Oh. Oh, Jason.

My God, what happened?

Buddy.
I had to get rid of Buddy.

What?
He had to go.

You could've killed yourself.
I mean, who knows?

This could affect your coordination,
your neurological system.

It could even affect your intelligence. We don't
even know if this is gonna work.

Only one way to fii nd out.

Okay, Sherman, what
is this about? Denise.

I'm so glad you came.
You know, I almost didn't come.

Well, I'm awful glad you did.

Listen to me, Denise.
Listen.

You know, fireflies,
when they're searchingfor a mate,

the way they findone another
is they emit apheromone,

and I've synthesized it
into a spray form.

Wait a minute.
You brought me out here for an experiment?

Denise, wait, please! Just hear
me out! Please, don't leave.

Sherman, why did you act
that way the other night?

Well, Denise,

when I found out that you might
be leaving, it just got me all messed up inside.

I said some things
I really didn't mean at all.

It was- It was like
there was another person inside me...

who didn't appreciate how wonderful you
are to me and how special you are to me.

And-And-
But thatside of me is gone now.

I got rid of that person forever.
You'I I never see that ugly face again.

I just want you to know that for sure.
That's why I wanted you to come out here tonight.

Just- Just bear with me,
please.

Hope my little friends
might be able to...

say it better than me.

Yes, Sherman Klump,
I will.

Will you really? Really? Really.

Yes. I will. I really will. You will?

Yeah!
Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Come on, Buster.
Time to go home.

That's right. That's right.
Time to go home.

Now wait. Sit.
Good boy.

Wait for Uncle "J."
Stud.

Buster!

Hey, Buster, where'd you
go, boy? Here's a good boy.

Ohhhh, Sherman,
Sherman, Sherman!

My baby's finally getting
married, married, married!

Oh, Sherman! I'm so
happy for you, Sherman.

You're finally
gonna get some.

Tell me something good

Whoo!

Tell me that you
love me, yeah

Tell me something

Good
Oh, baby, baby

Come on now, dance with me,
girl. You look fantastic.

If you two can stop
getting all jiggy with it,

perhaps I can give you something
to really celebrate. Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, Dean, what's that?
Oh, nothing much.

A letter from Phleer Pharmaceuticals, largest
drug company in the world.

I told them about your little discover, and they
made a preemptive offer.

Not too shabby, eh?

A hundred and fiifty
million dollars!

Oh, my God, Sherman!

A hundred and fiifty million dollars!
Oh, my goodness.

Isn't that wonderful?
Now, remember, that money belongs to Wellman.

All you have to do is prove to Phleer the formula
works at the press conference I set up.

Yeah! Of-Of course.
$150 million- my mind's all scribble-scrabble.

Oh, Mama, Ican't wait to see what she
looks like in my old wedding dress.

I can't wait to see, Mama.
She gonna-

Oh!

Oh, seeing you in that dress
take me right back to the time I got married.

It's beautiful.
Oh, you look wonderful. Show Mama what you look like.

Mama, look at this.
Oh, you look so lovely.

Oh, be careful now.
She looks fabulous in it, don't she, Mama? Look at her.

Denise, you still remember what I told you
about marital relations?

Oh, Mama. Denise, look. Try this
pie. I made it with Snickers.

Now, don't be shy.
Come on over here.

Oh, that's pretty.
Okay, if you get bored with your man,

it's perfectly okay topicture
someone else's headon his body.

Right. Ooh, you got
a little waist, girl.

That's right. That gentleman,
Stone Phillips, on NBC.

You know, Granny, I really don't think
I need to do that.

Isaac, you don't need to hear this.
It's private. It's private!

We gonna talk
girl talk now, baby.

From time to time, I have fantasies about
Stone Phillipsfrom NBC.

Mama. Mama, quiet.
It's true. It's the same dream all the time.

I'm in a tobacco barn.
Stone Phillips is my coworker,

andhe don't never have on no shirt in the
dream, and I don't never have on no pants.

It's the nougat that makes it
chewy. And I stand on this ladder,

Stone Phillipsget a little peek of heaven
I got up myskirt.

I invite him up the ladder,
he come up the ladder and throw me on the tobacco.

And we start going at it
like two mice.

Stone, Stone, Stone.
Mm!

Oh, I think that's
a wonderful fiit.

I do too.

Oh, you're so sweet. Sherman
and Denise! Sherman and Denise!

Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage,
marriage. They gonna get married, Mama.

Ooh, I'm so happy.

Welcome back. Marriage,
marriage, marriage, marriage.

Nutty, nutty, nutty
my love for you

Ican't believe
my dreams come true

I've finally foundsomebody
whose heart is true

And best of all is you're
nutty, nutty, nutty forme

Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Well, well, well, we've seen quite a bit
ofeach othertoday.

Now strip down to your shorts. Right.

I suppose you thought I was gonna object to
a strip search, didn't you, Chief?

Keep your clothes on, please.
Don't nobody wanna see that!

Here's my wallet. Why don't you
check foryourself?

Yeah, hold that stomach in,
Robert!

What's his problem?

I don't know, but enough
is enough. Excuse me, sir.

Young man, will you please keep it down just
a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch-

Just when you thought it was
safe to go back to the theaters.

Hello, fat ass!

Maybe we should get going.
I don't feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go.

Come on, let's go somewhere else.
Sherman, who was that?

I don't know. I didn't really get a good look at him.
Sherman! Sherman Klump!

You still been hitting them Happy
Meals. You haven't changed an inch.

You remember me
Buddy Love. We used to both chase that girl, Carla, at the same time.

You ever hit that?
Miss Purty and I were just friends.

"Just friends"-
I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh?

Who's your new friend? She sure is
fii ne. Yes, fii ne. What's your name?

Sherman, suddenly I don't feel
so well. Can we leave, please?

Yes, let's go, please. Can I talk to Sherman
for one second? Then you can have him.

One second, please. I gotta talk to you.
We gonna have a little boy talk.

Excuse us. Sherman, how you doing, baby?
What do you want here?

A little respect.
You left me all by myself in that test tube...

without a card or a letter,
and now I want a divorce.

And this is a community property state,
so I want my share.

Want your share of what?
The youth formula we invented!

You mean, the youth formula that I invented.
Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.

Who you grounding, fat boy? You
grounding me? - I haven't grounded-

I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen.
Come on, Sherman.

You're gonna make me do something
nasty to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.

Sherman!
See you soon, Sherman!

Sherman!

What the hell
are you looking at?

Oh, thank you, Sherman.

What else did I get from Sherman?
What does this say?

"Phleer Pharmaceuticals. "
$150 mill- $150 million.

I think Buddy's going shopping.

Professor, I got here as fast as I could.

I've got to hide this formula
before Buddy gets to it. Good idea.

I found something
I think you should look at.

When I left here last night, everthing was fii ne.
I mean, this was not here.

Good Lord. Buddy must've recombined from the genomic
sequence I extracted.

This doesn't make any sense. He's
just a fragment of genetic information.

He's nothing without a strand of DNA
to graft himself onto.

Where-Where did he get it?

Mm.

Just a second here.

Buster!

Thank you so much.
Leanne Guilford.

President of Acquisitions.
Buddy Love, president of Love Industries.

Allergies?

No. Do you have a dog?
Yes, I do- a Yorkie.

Oh. She's driving me crazy right now.

Bitch.
Excuse me.

It's a female dog that you have,
and she's in heat, right? Yes. How did you know that?

Let's just say I have
a sixth sense about those things. Is this her?

Yeah, little Courtney.
Ooh, nasty.

Mr. Love, maybe we'd better do this
another time. No, this is the perfect time.

Let's do this right now. This is the perfect time
to talk about my youth formula.

We are already committed to purchasing
Professor Klump's formula.

Oh, Professor Klump's formula?
That's if it works.

Let's just that although he's a brilliant scientist,
at times, he can be unstable.

Yes.
Huh.

Interesting. Yes, now, my formula works...

and can be yours for the price
of $149 million, if you act now, pretty lady.

Forgive me for being blunt, but you don't
expect me tojust take your word for it, do you?

Oh, no, not at all. Just say when,
and I'll make it available to you.

All right.

If Klump can't deliver and you
can prove your formula's better, Yes?

Phleer would have to seriously consider it.
Is that right?

I've got to go to a meeting.
Can we reschedule for later? We certainly can.

Good. How about Wednesday, 7:00?
Perfect. Wednesday at 7:00.

Bring the formula.
Yes.

Excuse me. Where's your restroom?
Down the hall, to the left.

Thank you. You finished with this? Sure.

Whoo, whoo!

What the hell you looking at?
Huh? Oh!

Good God! What "good
God"? I went on the paper!

Genetic anomalies can occur...

in any living organism
through- through-

Come on now, people.
Spontaneous mutation.

Now what is it that ourgenetic codes
can determine about us?

Miss Tate?
Uh, they can determine...

whether you have blue eyes
or pouty lips or a cute butt.

Stuff like that.

Right, right, precisely.
Very good.

But what about random nucleotide
polymorphisms, Professor? Excellent question.

Random nucleotide
polymorphisms-

Random nucleotide-

I ain't got a clue.

Who knows? This could affect your coordination,
your neurologicalsystem.

I mean, it could even affect your intelligence.
What was I talking about?

Genetic anomalies.
Yes, genetic anomalies. As I was saying-

Think you're
pretty smart, huh, Molly?

Not gonna beat me again.

Oh.

That makes five times
in a row now. Hey.

Can I talk to you for a second?
Jason, yes, please, come in.

Look, I know you think you're feeling fine,
but I ran some more tests anyway.

Really?
Yeah. When you extracted Buddy,

somehow it altered the gene that regulates neurotransmitter
activity to the cerebral cortex.

Uh,Jason, all these big words are really perplexing to me.
Can you talk in plain English?

You're losing your intelligence, sir.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I know.
I can feel it.

I can't even beat Molly,
and she's the dumbest hamster we got.

Jason, my presentation's
in two days.

Now what am I gonna do?

Oh, mygoodness.
Buddy.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, how's it going there, Sherman?
Yeah, Daddy, you startled me.

What's that you got there, son?
The youth juice.

Um, um, my formula. I was wondering if I could
keep it here for safe keeping.

Oh, yeah, leave it in the refrigerator.
Ain't nobody gonna bother it.

You allright? You looka little
strained. What's going on?

Well, Daddy, you know,
I kinda got a lot on my mind.

Really, I do. I guess I've been a little
worried about my presentation and all.

Worried about your presentation?
You ain't got nothing to be worried about.

We gonna be watching you on TV, supporting you,
and you should be proud. We proud.

I know I'm proud. I tell you that. You ain't got
nothing to worried-

You're gonna be doing just great.
Ah!

I didn't hit you that hard. Don't act
like a little bitch. By the way, Sherman,

how many people can say
that they raised a genius?

I can.

Worried about his presentation?
That's a good one there.

Ooh, is this supposed to be that hard?
Yeah, let it set a while.

Don't worry if it burns a little bit.
That's natural.

All right, you the expert, Chantal.
Workyour magic, girl,

'cause Denise's motheris coming
to this bachelorette party,

and if she's as stunning as Denise,
I got to besparkling.

Honey, you gonna blind
their asses.

When you walk in that door,
they gonna think you're Tyra Banks.

Oh, did I tell you the news?

Leon got
one of them penis pumps.

Penis pumps?
What'd he do with it? Mm-hmm.

Supposed to pump it up or something.
Does it work?

Just on the tip. Now that thing
look like a portabello mushroom.

Isaac all natural.

Soon as I walk in the room,
ten-hut.

You know, I'm thinking about
having a little work done myself.

The other day,
I got out the shower,

and I bent down
to reach for a towel,

and I felt a sharp pain
in my chest.

Shot through my chest
and up around my back, down my spine.

I thought, "Oh, Lord. " I thought
I was dying. I bent over and looked,

and I was standing
on my own titty.

You ain't have to get no breast
reduction. Just be more careful.

Both feet too.
Both feet on it.

All right, what the hell you old
hens cackling about? You ready to go?

No, not quite.
I'll be ready in a minute.

She still got to set up a few more minutes.
Have some more wine, girl.

Ooh, girl, I don't know if I
should. I already had two glasses.

Oh, go on, live a little.
Make your hair look better.

Have mercy.
Yeah,just like Ifigured.

You sit up here all day, getting
sloshed and talking about us men.

Clesius, have you ever heard the expression, "mercy hump"?
Say what?

'Cause that's what you been getting all these years
mercy humps.

Stop it.
You out your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something.

He ain't got nothing
but a limp doodle.

Oops.
Sorry.

Gotta get ya.

Clesius!
Oh, look what you've done! Oh.

Ah-
You girls are crazy. I'm leaving.

Oh, Clesius, Clesius, wait! Clesius!
Oh, Clesius! I don't believe it.

Clesius, I only told her 'cause
she got so much experience in sexual matters.

I ain't nothing but a big damn joke
to you, ain't I? Tell the whole world!

Her husband ain't nothing but a
big ol' pile of worth less crap!

Clesius!
Clesius!

Oh.

I'm just glad they're back in town
so you can fii nally meet them.

I'm extremely nervous because I
really want to make a good impression.

Sherman, there's no reason
foryou to be nervous.

My parents are very down-to-earth people,
and they're gonna love you.

I guess it's not like they're rocket scientists.
Well, actually, they are.

Daddy!
Sweetheart!

Great to see you. You must be Sherman,
the genius who's marring my daughter.

I guess that's me.

They think I'm old. They think I'm
worn-out, huh? I'm gonna show all of'em.

Screw the golden years.
And here's to youth!

That's some nasty mess.

I don't feel no-

Damn, that was
some nasty stuff!

Oh, I feel as strange as hell.
Oh! Hey, get your ass-

Who the hell are you?
Who you put-

It worked.
It worked!

Papa's got a brand-new bag

Yeah!

Oh, what a beautiful bird.

Oh, Crackers has been in our
family more than 50 years.

Hmm? Fifty years.
He's older than I am.

Sherman, your fly. Your fly.
Yeah, he can fly all over.

No, no, no, zip your pants.

Oh, my goodness. Excuse me. I felt
- I felt a little breeze.

So, uh, genomic extractions.

Fascinating.

But the whole concept ofremoving faultygenes
must haveyou in an ethicalquandary.

E- Excuse me. Ethical?

Oh, yes, I don't know much
about "Ethicals", to be perfectly honest with you.

But the "Quandar"-
I don't like the Japanese cars.

I don't like
the Ethical Quandary.

I'm a Volvo man myself.
Well, yeah.

Oh!

Sherman is known as the leading expert
in genomic extractions.

Give us a little preview of the speech you're going to make
at the press conference.

Say what now?
I know we would never be able to keep up,

but is there some way that you could explain it
in layman terms?

Oh, you'd like me
to explain to you?

Yes. Well, I would love
to. I would be honored.

It's really quite simple.
This corn, for instance-

This piece ofcorn here
can represent a strand of DNA.

And these little-

the individual-
the bumpy things that go-

The Green Giant calls them
"niblets. " Uh, niblets.

These niblets represent each gene,
and they determine everything about you.

For instance, Mrs. Gaines,
let's say if a person was to have big titties, like you.

Sherman!
I'm sorry. Big titties.

No, breasts. Scratch it.
Get off you. On me.

Now, I have a big ass. Never mind that.

What we're attempting to do here is
to extract the, uh, the bad, badgenes.

Extract that titty out.
Andass comes out.

And just leave
the good genes,

which is very simple
if you think about it.

Just ignore that.

Please ignore those.
Those are the badgenes.

What I'm really tring to do is go
deep, deep down into the gene structure,

which oftentimes
is much more difficult.

Crackers!

Oh, goodness!

I'm- I'm so-
so sorry about that.

My pants got caught in the thing
and they pulled it on out.

His wings istwitching a little bit,
so he's allright.

Buddy Love.

Mr. Love. Leanne Guilford.
Yes, Miss Guilford. How are you?

You forgotten we have an appointment
right now? I had a hard time getting a cab.

I'm on my way.
I'll wait for a few more minutes and then I'm leaving.

Very good. I'll see you soon. All right.

Yes!

Whoo!
This isgreat!

Sir, uh, please don't do
that. It's kind ofdangerous.

You work here! Work here!

Dynamite!

Yeah! Whoo!

Hey, let me have a seven and seven.
Coming up.

You about the fii nest-looking
thing I seen in a long time.

Well, thank you very much.
You pretty damn foxy yourself, baby.

A lot of young men
are intimidated by an older woman.

Is that right?
Well, let me tell you something.

You look pretty damn young to me. In
fact, let me tell you something, baby.

You just about the-
You-

Yeah, you look good. Pretty
fine. Foxy fine and young.

Excuse me one second.
Yes, yes, yes.

Get away from my woman.
Mind your own business, Willie.

What?
It's over between us. He just won't accept it.

Willie, she said it's over between y'all. Besides,
you getting the wrong idea.

Outside. Outside. I'm tired of this
shit. Say what? Who you pushing?

Not again, Willie.
Willie, what's wrong with you?

All right, enough is enough!
This is going too damn far!

You gonna make me have to put my foot in your ass.
I'm gonna tell you straight up.

I don't wanna have to hurt you,
Pops! Pops? I'll "pop" your ass.

Would you please put
your clothes back on?

You'll hurt yourself.
You look like a roast chicken.

That was a lucky shot.

Okay, that's it.
Come on, fool. Get your ass up. Come on.

You're crazy.

What the hell is this?
Am I supposed to believe that you know "bujitsu"?

Sayonara, sucker.

All right.

Meter reads 3.90. Here's
4.00. Keep the dime. Jerk.

Ah, the lovely Miss Guilford.
Where you on your way to?

Home.
Home? What do you mean? We got business to talk.

All you seem to be is talk. I'm starting to think
you don't even have a formula.

Oh-
We're gonna stick with Klump.

Stick with Klump? I just got off the phone
with my research people in Langley, Virginia.

They're working out all the minorkinks. We gonna
have a formula any moment now.

Hey! Klump's formula sucks!

All right, little man.

I've been
real patient.

I told you I'd mess you up.

Oh, you scared now, huh?
Bring your little butt back here.

I'm tired ofyour-

Damn.

He done loosen
my tooth too.

So that's where
Sherman's been hiding it.

Klumpville.
Chunkytown.

Big-ass City.

Clesius. Clesius. Lord have mercy.
What have you been all evening?

I've been so worried.
Wait. Don't turn on the light.

Leave the light out.
Oh, Clesius, I'm so sorry about what happened tonight.

Yeah, well- Anna,

you remember
when we first met?

Ofcourse I remember.
Back at the state fair. Why?

Yeah, the state fair.
You was working the cotton candy.

Standing looking like an angel. Had
that pink sugar swirling all around you.

I turned to my brother,
and I said three words,

"Mighty fine. "

You must've ate 16 cotton candies
that night, Clesius.

Yeah, well,
I was interested.

I was interested.
I was damn interested.

Closeyoureyes, Anna.
I got a little surprise for you.

Oh, Clesius.

Oh!

Here lam. I'm ready,
andl'm waiting.

Oh, that some nasty stuff.
Okay, what you got for me?

It wouldn't be
a surprise if I told you.

Oh, you always been
such a sexy devil.

Oh, Clesius,
I'm on fire.

Oh, Clesius!
Hurr, Clesius.

Hurr, Clesius!

Hurry, Clesius.
Hurry. Hurry, Clesius.

Yeah, yeah.
I've been waiting so long.

Clesius, I'm on fire.
I know you've been waiting, baby.

Oh, Clesius, this is so romantic.
Yeah, Clesius here now.

I'm on fire. Anna Pearl, Anna Pearl.

Yeah,
I'm gonna put your fire out.

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Anna, it's me. It's me. It's
Clesius. I'm just young again.

Oh, Lord, Clesius, what
have you done to yourself?

I took some of Sherman's youth juice,
and it's incredible.

I got enough
for both of us too.

Damn. Don't worry about it. I got some more
in the garage. I'm not taking that mess.

I don't want
no magic formula.

What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
No, I don't wanna be young.

Clesius, we're supposed to be who we
are, andl'm just fine with who lam.

But, obviously, what you're tring
to say is that you'rejust tired...

of the fat, old woman that you got married to.
Oh, no, Anna.

That's not what I'm saying.
That ain't what I'm saying at all.

Downstairs. I think you better sleep
downstairs. Anna, please, no, baby.

But I was just- - Downstairs,
Clesius. I don't wanna hear it.

Oh, Clesius, I'm so
disappointed in you.

I just feel so god-awful terrible
about what happened to Crackers.

Imagine what your parents
must think about me.

Sherman, you were acting
really strange tonight.

Yeah, I know, 'cause,
um, I drank that wine,

and I had cold medicine
early on.

And mixing cold medicine
and wine- that don't mix.

Well, cold medicine
or not,

I'm really worried
about you.

And I really think you
should get a checkup.

All right. I will.
Yeah, I will.

Okay. Go home
and get some rest,

and first thing in the morning,
I'll make an appointment to get a checkup.

Good. See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.

Sorry about Crackers. I'm sorry. Okay?
Okay. Okay.

Mm.

Pervert.
"Beef in your taco. "

I'm a pony! I'm a pony!
Mommy, I'm scared.

Nowback
to the midnight movie.

A huge asteroid, approximately
1,000 square miles in size,

is still on
a collision course with Earth.

Wellman College Professor
Sherman Klump...

is attempting to plant a nuclear explosive
device deep within the asteroid core,

which, if effective,
will destroy it.

Houston, come in.
This is Professor Klump on the asteroid's surface.

We read you, Professor.
What's your status?

We've done dug the hole
and planted the nukes.

Good. Then get back in your shuttle
and get the hell out of there...

so you can blow
that rock to bits.

Sherman, you've got 30 seconds
before that asteroid hits. Better hurry.

The world's counting on it.

Fifteen seconds.
Sherman, start the detonation sequence now.

Hello, Houston.
We got a big-assproblem.

Sherman, you've got to blow up
the asteroid. Press that button!

I... can't... reach it.
Sherman.

Sherman, I am your father.
Search your feelings, Sherman.

There's a force deep down inside you. Use it.
Use your force, Sherman.

Of course.

Ah, yes.
The force is strong with you, my son.

Goddamn.
What the hell was that noise?

Whew! I think something crawled
up your force and died, Sherman.

Ten seconds to impact.
My God!

He didn't plant those charges
on the asteroid. Then where did he plant them?

Okay.

Good-bye, Mr. Asteroid.

This is gonna be good. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Did I land on the wrong
Oh, shit.

Oh, no. I done blowed up
the wrong one.

Good-bye, Sherman.

Denise, please don't-
It was an accident. Denise-

I'm sure it'I I just make a little
splash in the ocean. That's all.

See,just a little, tiny-

Oh, that ain't tiny
at all, is it?

I am an idiot.

Oh, thank you, Granny, so much.
You are too sweet.

Yeah, that's a little special present
for your wedding night.

Oh, fabulous.
Romantic and fabulous.

Oh, Mama!

Ooh!

Thank you, Granny. Maybe something I
wouldn't have chosen for myself. Thank you.

Well, I didn't choose it for you, baby.
I got it for Sherman.

He's gonna be the one that's gonna appreciate
the hell out of it, trust me.

Girls, I got tago check on the rest of
my surprise. Y'all excuse me fora moment.

Girls, Isawthe most fabulousgame the
otherday. It's calledBachelorette Bingo.

Let'splay.
Oh, this is so fabulous!

This is Miss Ida Mae Jensen.
I'm calling to confirm a male stripper fantasy,

the Muy Caliente
Vida Loca special.

Goddamn.

Yeah, that's right. Well, where
they at? We all ready here. Now-

Oh, never mind.

Isee him
overhere now. Okay.

Yes, we will enjoy.
Thankyou.

Now, that's what I call
the Muy Caliente...

El Negro special.

Mmm-mmm!

Hey.

Well, hello there,
stripper man.

Now, you know, lordered the special, and
you supposed to be dressed as a fireman.

Stripperman? Oh, stripper
Oh, yes, stripperman.

Well, I, um
I decided not to do my fii reman dance tonight,

because last time I did it, things got
so heated up, kind of scorched my suit.

So I decided to do my cat burglar dance.
And I slip through the back door...

and I'm kind of poking around,
'cause I'm a method stripper...

and I want to get the right frame of mind so I can
give y'all some good stripping.

You know, work it for you.
You know, you look just like Ken Norton in Mandingo.

Oh, really? Oh, Ken Norton
Oh, Mandingo. Ken Norton. Really?

I guess this is the closest I'm
gonna ever get to Ken Norton.

Well, thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.

I wonder if you could
give me a little private dance.

Oh, okay. You want a private
You wanna slow down?

Stop, stop, stop! I'm
gonna need some space here.

You want a private dance.
Okay, I can do that.

But first, um, I'm so thirsty. I got a craving for some
- for some red fruit punch.

Red fruit punch? I ain't
seen none in the house, boy.

But today I seen some out in the
Frigidaire, out in the garage.

Oh, there may be some in the garage?
Well, after I quench my thirst,

I'm gonna come give you a dance. Ow!

I'll be moving like this. You like that,
don't you? Yeah, that's like Soul Train.

That's la vida loca. Make this
face here like I'm tearing it up.

Oh, good Lord. Oh, my
precious Lord. You like that?

Don't move now. I ain't going nowhere.
I'll be right here for the Soul Train.

I'll be right back.
For the Soul Train!

I'll be right back.

Oh, my goodness,
is there a fii re?

Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid there
is. I don't smell no smoke.

There's a fii re
in my pants...

and it's getting
muy caliente!

Oh, Lord, have mercy!
A strip- Oh, my!

My mother must've
arranged this.

Where are you? Oop-

Oh, bingo! Bingo.

Chunky Butt, thank you so much
for making this easy.

I thought this was
gonna be diffiicult.

Chunky Butt made this
a nice, easy task forme.

Yes, yes, yes.

Perfect. Now I gotta find
something to cut this with.

Maybe a little
fertilizer or something.

Oh, this is gonna
be perfect, Chunky Butt.

I think this will help spruce up your presentation
quite a bit.

Oh, Lord!

I didn't know there was
gonna be a stripper.

Mama! Mama!

Love

Is a many
splendoredthing

It's the April-rose

That only grows

In the early spring

Love is nature's way

Of giving

A reason to be living

The golden crown

That makes a man

A king

Oh, we gonna have the whole
room smelling like ass.

Shake it, shake. And it's
like I was never here.

Oh! Oh!

Hey! You scared me just now.
I thought you was a monster.

Mmm-mmm!
What areyou-

Hey, what-
Stripper man, stripper man.

You're not supposed to be out here.
This must be your lucky night.

You're supposed to be in the house.
I'm fiittin' to teach you...

ever trick I know.

I seen the way you logging me inside.
No, no, no, no.

I'm logging you too.

Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, stripper man.

Oh, I feel so vulnerable.

Come on. Let's get it on right
now, right here, right now.

Oh, stripper. Wait. Just calm
Relax a second.

Now, listen. We gonna get
it on. But not out here.

You don't wanna get it on out here,
do you, in this nasty, stink garage?

Let's go in the house in a warm
bed where I can give you the shimmy.

I'll meet you in your room. I
ain't falling for that trick.

I'm gonna get that knot
out your back.

You gonna have togive me
a little sugar right now, or I'll scream.

No, no, don't scream.
Don't scream.

No, no, no. Shh, shh.
Wait, wait, wait. I'll give you a little kiss.

A little peck on the cheek. Meet you
up in the room. Ain't gonna hurt nobody.

You're so cute. Come here.
I want a little sugar.

Oh, God!

Oh, Ken Norton!

Folks, we want toget everybody
into the presentation,

so please have
your press credentials ready.

Well, if it isn't ol' Chunky Butt.
Buddy, what are you doing here?

I just came down for your big
presentation. You're not nervous, are you?

No, I ain't nervous. "No,
I ain't. " "No, I ain't. "

That's interesting. Starting
to sound kind of ignorant.

But don't worry.
If this professor thing don't work out,

there's always room for another brother
down at the car wash.

They could put a big
beach towel on your ass,

and you can stand
in the doorway as the cars come out...

and dry 'em
a side at a time.

That's your future.
Buddy, I notice since the split-up...

that, uh, I ain't really
I haven't really felt like myself.

I was wondering if you've been
experiencing any changes.

Not at all. I feel great. Never
felt better in my life.

Business is really starting
to look up for me, Sherm.

Hey, you betterrun!
Come here!

Come here, pussy! You're a
pussy! That's what you are.

I'll killyou! I'll killyou!
Come here, you pussy!

Sherman coming on in a minute.

Well, what channel's
Sherman gonna come on? Anybody know?

Have some of these brownies. They're
still warm. Don't drop 'em on my floor now.

All right, everbody. Sherman getting ready
to come on TV now. Everbody gather around.

You know,
fame is gonna pass.

And the only thing that's
permanent is family.

Ain't that right, Daddy?
Oh, shit! Get your ass out that chair!

How many times, Ernest, I gotta tell
you to stay out my damn chair? Aw, man.

You work on them cars all day gonna put the
grease all in my chair, smear the grease there.

Gotta sit on this grease. My gray pants
still got grease all over 'em 'cause ofyou.

You happy? You got your chair. Enjoy.
Stay out my damn chair.

Ernest, will you please tell your
father to be quiet? Sherman's coming on.

What channel Sherman come on?
Tell me what she just said,

I'll come over there and whup your ass.

That's the channel.
Watch the damn TV.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
for coming out. My name is Professor Sherman Klump.

I'm a professor here
at Wellman College.

Ooh!
Look at him.

Joe College.
Look how dashing he look. He look just like Billy Dee.

Boy look handsome.
Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee!

Billy Dee Klump.
As you all know,

Ponce de Leon searched his entire life
for the Fountain ofYouth.

And today we will
complete his journey.

So, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I'dlike to present to you all,

uh, the Wellman College
youth formula.

Maybe I need to take some ofthat.
It don't cure ugly.

Does Clesius
know I'm strapped?

Well, come on. Shoot. Come on. Shoot.
I'm strapped, nigga.

Tell him. I'm strapped.
And ifyou miss, I'm gonna finish you off.

If you don't have anything nice
to say, don't say nothing at all.

Well, she messin' with me.
Stop the violence. Stop the violence.

And don't say nothing.
I'm tring to watch Sherman.

Okay, cool, cool.

Boy, would I like to throw
some hot grease on you.

This is Molly. Molly is a
one-year-old, and Petey is four.

Petey is our candidate for
genetic "transmografiication. "

Petey here
Petey is ourcandidate forgenetic "transmofilectesy. "

Genetic "transgromanation. "

The "youthification-"
That ain't a word.

Howcome Uncle Sherman's
talking funny?

He's starting to sound like you, Dad.
He don't sound right, do he?

What do you mean, "sound like me"? What's that?
Sherman up in a ivor tower...

just 'cause
he went to college.

I could've gone to college
if I took that damn...

elastic "appitude" test.

Hey, shut up.
What the hell's wrong with Sherman?

You be breaking me down
in front of my seed on the regular.

The reason we, uh- he-
We gonna make him young.

So I say, um,
let's get it on!

I'm gonna just give
a drop ofthis to Petey.

We watch and see
what happens.

Isaac, you watching that?
Hey, that ain't right.

Hamsters will be hamsters, huh?
Oh!

What in blazes- -
Oh! - Look at that!

That's cool. That's real cool.
Look at that!

Petey!
Down, boy!

Petey!
Shoot him! Shoot him!

No, no. No. Please,
I'm not that kindof-

Guy

Oh, my God. I have to turn
the channel. I don't want my babyseeing that.

That man ain't never gonna be right again.
Oh!

Somebody need to take Isaac's pressure.
Oh, what's wrong with this?

Something like that will ruin a man.
Coverthe baby's eyes.

That's too much excitement for my baby.
Turn the channel.

- I can't even turn. - That's
nasty. - That's what that is.

Turn the baby's eyes.
And he don't need to know what it is, Mama.

Now, was that
supposed to happen?

It's the lovely Miss Guilford.
Mr. Love.

What a wonderful day
we're having, huh?

Why am I not surprised
to see you here?

Well, I figured since it turns out that
Professor Klump ain't your man after all,

you might wanna talk
a deal.

All right. Have your formula
ready for presentation on Friday.

Friday it is.

See you Friday. Lovely dress. Mm-hmm.

I'll wear
something sharp.

Oh, Dean. I'm just tring to figure out
what went wrong here.

I just don't understand. It must've been
some sort of contaminant or something.

The deal with Phleer is off. I
just spoke to Leanne Guilford.

But that
doesn't botherme.

After all,
what's $150 million?

Oh! Dean Richmond,
I am so sorry.

I'm really tring to get to the bottom of this, because
this was not supposed to happen.

No, that's not
what bothers me.

Deals will come
and deals will go.

Wellman...
will always be Wellman.

But I'll tell you
what does bother me.

On the way over here, a cute
little boy pointed at me and said,

"Oh, look, Mommy, there
goes the hamster's bitch!"

Uh-
Dean, whatever it's worth,

Petey is back to normal and
feelingjust fine. Oh, yeah?

Do you think he'll call?

Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm
I'm sorry. Stop... speaking!

I just want to go on record as saying that-

Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.

I've been looking forward to saying
something to you for 12 years.

And here it is.

You're fat!

And dumb.

And fired.

Sherman.

It's not your fault.

I ain't never-

I'm never gonna be the same again, am I?

I'm afraid not.

Since you've separated
brain cells have been damaged.

your speech and memory-

I know.
I'll be a total idiot.

Don't you think it's
time you told Denise?

Oh, no, Jason.
I can't do that.

How can I tell her
I'm losing the very thing...

that made her fall in love
with me in the first place?

Mm-mmm.

Hi.
Sherman, what are you doing here?

How you doing?
Your mama told me I might be able to find you here.

I've been looking all over the place for
you. I've been leaving messages everwhere.

I went by your place. Yeah,
well, I had a lot on my mind.

You know, I walk around,
going around, getting time to think.

I wonder if I can talk
to you about something.

Look, I know you're upset
about what happened.

But we can get right back
to work with the youth formula,

and I think the problem-
No, not science.

Denise, I'm not
This isn't about science. We can start completely over.

We can find another university.
After the wedding, we can even-

That's what I'm talking
about- the wedding.

Denise, I don't think
there's going to be a wedding.

Well, not-
not right away anyway.

I mean, my head's just kind
of messed up right now,

and I don't think it'd be fair to you.

What?

I made a mistake.

And I have to work that mistake out.
I have to live with that.

Me, not you. See, you're so pretty,
and you're so smart.

You just got your whole life
ahead of you.

I just don't want to mess things up
foryou. I'm-

I'm sorry, Denise.

I think
I'd better get going.

You allright?

Oh, I just don't
understand, Clesius.

And he won't tell me why.

Anna, listen. Sometimes a man
do some crazy things, you know?

Oh!

Not that he's tring to hurt nobody. He's
not tring to tell you he don't love you.

It's just-

Sometimes you get kind of confused,
you know?

You hear
what I'm saying?

Yes, Clesius,
I hear what you're saying.

I'll talk to the boy.

Everthing
was so fabulous.

You cut out that cring
now. It's all right.

Stop all that crying.
Go clean your nose up.

Go wash your hands. Snot all over
the place looking nasty as hell.

What's this on me? Goddamn, look what you
put on me, Anna. What's this on me for?

Yeah, you know
something, Sherman?

The very first building I ever
worked on was on this site right here.

Yep. Isn't that
something? It was a baker.

Yeah.
Tore it down two years ago.

Thirty-fiive years later,
I wind up working on the thing,

building it up all over again;
ain't that something?

I expected the building
I worked on was permanent.

But I was wrong,
'cause it ain't.

That's not permanent.
You know what's permanent, Sherman?

You know what's permanent?
I'm gonna tell you.

What me and your mama got.
That's permanent.

That ain't going no place.
You know what I mean?

If you get you a woman that really,
really loves you,

you've got to hold on
to that, Sherman.

Yeah, that's true, Daddy.
Yeah, I knows I sure do love Denise.

Well, then y'all gotta
get back together then.

Get back together?
Daddy, that's it. Yeah.

Get back together. If we get back
together, that'll make everthing okay.

Dynamite. Go call the girl.
Say what? Not Denise. Buddy.

Me and Buddy get back together,
that'll make everthing fine between me and Denise.

Hey, you just took
the wrong off-ramp.

I can use the youth formula. I'll feed
it to Buddy. It'll make him so young.

I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest
I eat it! I eat it! Huh?

That's it.
Daddy, that'll work.

I wouldn't have even
thought about that.

This is fantastic!
What are you gonna eat?

Sherman! Damn!

Hello, Sherman.
I heard you were here.

Give me a minute, Dean, and I'll
be on my way. Trespass all you like.

It goes so well in court with grand theft.
I beg your pardon.

You're tring to sell the youth formula
under a different identity.

Who do you think you are? Dean,
you just don't understand, really.

That's always possible. Then help
me out if you don't mind. Explain it.

Why is Buddy Love
meeting with Phleer?

Oh, my goodness. I gotta
hurry up. Not so fast, pal.

I'm not letting you out of my sight
until both our names are on that contract.

I'm going to be stuck on you
like a giant hamster on my a-

Where you go, I go. I have no time to stand
here and argue with you.

Ifyou wanna come along,
I'll explain it to you on the way.

Ladies and gentlemen and
distinguished guests, it is showtime.

Now I'd like to present
to you exhibit "A."

His name is Zeke,
and it is ver clear...

that Zeke has been getting his ass whipped
by Father Time for many, many years.

Oh, my God, Sherman.

Sherman! Sherman!
Sherman!

Hey, hey, hey, Denise.
Thank God.

What the hell's going on?
Papa Klump, have you seen Sherman?

He's in trouble.
Oh, tell me about it.

First the boy acting crazy and called off the
wedding. Then he talking about eating some guy.

I don't know if it's something I need
to talk to the boy about.

Wait. Eating somebody?
Yeah, he said he's gonna eat some man.

Of course. Buddy.

Yeah, that's the guy.
What's going on between the three of y'all?

What's this, a kind of menage a trois?
I know where Sherman is.

Ladies and gentlemen, if Zeke dropped dead right now,
who would care?

I would.
My point exactly.

Exactly. That no person,
no matter who they are,

no matter how hopelessly
disgusting their case may be,

should be left
without a second chance.

And that is why I would like
to introduce... New You,

a fully copyrighted product
being offered to you...

by the good people
of Love Enterprises.

Now, if you'd be so kind,
Zeke, would you drink this up, please?

It's kind
of like Mogen David, but fruitier.

Wait! I'm sorry to interrupt,
ladies and gentlemen!

But I cannot go on living unless
I have this man inside me right now.

Steady, sailor.
What the hell is going on here?

Well, if it isn't Professor
Sherman Klump, the inventor of Jumbo the Horny Hamster.

Please!
Buddy, I am sick and I am tired...

of your s-h-
"I. "

Thank you. T-E.

My shite? Oh, really?
Well, what you gonna do about it, Shamu?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I don't have no time to play no games with your ass.

You got time to play a little catch, don't you?
Oh, you bastard.

Buddy.

Aw!

Buddy, Buddy. Buddy.

Get it, Buddy. Buddy!

Na, na, na, na.
Hey, Buddy. Fetch.

Aach!

What the hell is that?

Who's dumb now?

Oh, Sherman. Oh, you
sneaky son of a bitch.

Oh, Sherman!

Oh, no!

Oh, shit! Uh- ah- ah-
Everbody calm down.

This is a part of the demonstration.
Just calm- Relax.

Everything's undercontrol.
What the hell are you looking at?

This is an impressive package for a toddler.
All right, Mr. Toddler.

Nothing to see here, folks.
This mutant is about to dissolve into liquid,

and then the fat man is going
to suck him through a straw.

Sorry, Buddy.
I just want my life back.

You don't owe him any explan- What?
Come here.

Oh, you rotten
son of a- Oh!

I'm hit! I'm hit!
Forget it, fat ass.

I ain't going back
inside of you. Mmm. Got milk?

Thank you, baby.

He's getting away.

Dean, I want that formula. Bring me the man who made it.
I'm ready to make a deal.

Hmm? Right.

I'm naked! I'm naked! I'm
naked! I'm naked! I'm naked!

There he is.
What the hell is happening?

What the hell was that? Buddy.

All right, that's it. Slow
the car down! Slow down!

We can't help Sherman
wrapped around no light pole.

We've got to get to him. He and
Buddy have to be combined immediately.

Where's the little snot now?

What the hell are you looking at?
Come on.

What? What?

Don't feel right. Starting
to feel a little light-headed.

If you quit now, you're gonna be
empty-headed. Come on, Klump. Let's get him.

Get a hold of this, chubby.

Whoo!
You got a big ass!

What?
Follow that ass.

Aw, hell.
Now, what's all of this?

Move out the way, damn it!
Wait a minute. I think I see him.

Goddamn.

Oh, no. Don't even think about it.
Don't you do it.

Oh, you're doing it.

Ow!
Stop!

All right, tubby.

Let's see how long
you last without me.

What? What?
That's it?

He's gone?
Ah, I-I- da-da-

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Oh, that's marvelous.

The deal is dead,
you know that?

I've been calling you a moron for years.
Now you're finally-

I'll just get a cab.

Ohhh, Sherman!
I raised a genius.

No one isperfect. - I want
to beperfect forher. - Perfect?

About time you told Denise? - I
checked the file. - There's no future.

You will never learn to control him
till you accept the fact he is apart of you.

Sherman.

You okay?

Gone
he's all gone. Buddy? He evaporated?

Gone. And me no smart.
Never. No more.

Sherman, that's okay.
I mean, we'll figure something out.

There has to be something
that we can do.

I want to say
I'm- I'm sorry.

I never
I didn't want to hurt you. You understand?

I thought that if you knew
that Buddy was a part of me,

I thought that you
wouldn't have me then.

Sherman.
Now, hear me.

Hear me out now.

I should've had
more faith in you.

Should've had
more faith in myself.

But I-
Sherman.

Sherman, what's wrong?
Sherman?

Can't you hear, son?
Sherman, look at me.

Who am I?

Pretty lady.
Oh, honey.

Oh, that's nice.

It's gonna be okay.
Nice.

I'll take care of you.

Oh! Come on.
Let's get the boy home.

Nice lady.

Come on. Let'sget him home. Come on.

Go home now.

Thank you.

Oh, look at the-
the pretty water.

Oh, my God.
It's Buddy.

His DNA burst into water molecules. Sherman, quick.
What the hell?

Drink this.
No. Dirty water.

No. Come on, honey. You
have to drink this. Please.

Drink dirty water. Look
at me. What's my name?

Denise. You're Denise.
Oh, yes. Drink some more.

Denise. Come on.
Drink some more.

What's two times two?
Two times two is four.

Four times four? Four times four is fiif
sixteen.

Sherman, yes. Drink some
more before Buddy disperses.

Come on, boy.

What's your mama
middle name?

Oh, hell, no.
That ain't it.

Get a lot now.
Get a lot.

That's enough.

Pearl. He said Pearl! He said Pearl!

Anna Pearl. Sherman, what's
the square root of 2,000,602?

That's a hard one.
Four thousand,

414.426...

3855.
Oh, yes!

Oh, Sherman, yes!

Oh, fabulous! Oh!

Dynamite! Dynamite!
That's so lovely.

This go out to the new
Mr. and Ms. Sherman Klump.

Hear! Hear!
Come on, ya'll. Take it down.

A one

In a million

Chance

Of a lifetime
That sounds good.

And I

Whoo! Ernie, this
mine. This mine, Ernie.

Yes, indeed.
You surely are one in a million.

And I am finally
in charge, all right? All the way in charge.

Sherman Klump in charge.

You know I saved Sherman's life.
Clesius Klump, stop all that bragging.

Come on. Dance with me. Excuse us.
I'll get right back at ya.

Okay, you guys,
you ready?

You know what this means,
don't you?

Piece of happiness
to call my own.

And life's worth
living again

Anna Pearl, you are looking
foxy fii ne tonight. Oh!

Yeah, you got me feeling like I'm
20 years old again.

Oh, Cle- Ooh!

Ooh, Clesius,
is that your-

Mm-hmm.
You damn right.

Hercules, Hercules,
Hercules, Hercules!

One in a million

Million
Make that a billion

No, a trillion
Oh, a zillion

You, you

Oh

Oh, Lord, Lord

You, you, you

I love you, Joe College!

Hey, hey
hey, hey, hey

Macho, macho man
Macho man, yeah

I've got to be
a macho man

Macho, macho man, yeah

Klump?

Aw, shit. The prop's
falling apart.

You get the heart pumping
with the red wine.

The better
the circulation.

Pumping heart, red wine. One and
one is two. Powerful erection.

Powerful erection!

Oh!

Clesius!

You bitches
done ruined everthing.

I just told you, bitch!
I'm gonna kick your ass now!

I'm logging you too.

What have I done? What have I
done? What have I done, O Lord?

Hurry, Clesius.
Hurry. Hurry, Clesius.

Oh, Clesius.
Lord, hurry.

Clesius, my "ariolas"
is gonna pop.

See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.

Oh, happy day
Oh, happy day, happy day

Oh, happy day
Happy day

Doesn't matter what
your friends are telling you

Doesn't matter what
my family's saying too

It just matters
that I'm in love with you

It only matters
that you love me too

It doesn't matter
if they won't accept you

I'm accepting of you
and the things you do

Just as long as it's you

Nobody but you
baby, baby

My love for you

Unconditional love too

Gotta get up, get up get up, get
up, get up and show you that it

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the inner being

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me is that
you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm love
with the inner being

No, it doesn't really matter
what they believe

What matters to me is you're
nutty, nutty, nutty for me

You're so kind

Just what I asked for
You're so loving and kind

And you're mine

And I can't believe
you're mine

Doesn't matter if you're feeling insecure

Doesn't matter
if you're feeling so unsure

'Cause I'll take away
the doubt with in your heart

And show that my love
will never hurt or harm

Doesn't matter
what the pain we go through

Doesn't matter
if the money's gone too

Just as long
as l'm with you

Nobody but you
baby, baby

Your love for me

Unconditional I see

Gotta get up, get up get up,
get up, get up and show you that it

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the inner being

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me
is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the innerbeing

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me is you're
nutty, nutty, nutty for me

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the innerbeing

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me
is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the inner being

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me is you're
nutty, nutty, nutty for me

You're so kind

Oh, just what I asked for
You're so loving and kind

And you're mine

And I can't believe
you're mine

Doesn't matter
what they say

Because you know
I'm gonna love you anyway

Doesn't matter
what they do

'Cause my love
will always be with you

My love for you

Unconditional love too

Gotta get up, get up
get up, get up, get up

And show you
that my love is true

And it's just for you

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the inner being

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me
is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter
what the eye is seeing

'Cause I'm in love
with the inner being

No, it doesn't really
matter what they believe

What matters to me is you're
nutty, nutty, nutty for me

Nutty, nutty, nutty
my love for you

I can't believe
my dreams come true

I've finally found some body
whose heart is true

And best of all
you love me too

And nutty, nutty, nutty
my love for you

I can't believe
my dreams come true

I've finally found somebody
whose heart is true

And best of all is you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me
Sing

Whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Nutty, nutty, nutty
my love for you

I can't believe
my dreams come true

I've finally found someone
whose heart is true

And best of all isyou're
nutty, nutty, nutty for me

Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you
I'm always doing that.

I can't believe
my dreams come true

I've finally found somebody
whose heart is true

And best of all is you're
nutty, nutty, nutty for me