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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,083 --> 00:00:04,083 ♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪ 2 00:00:04,167 --> 00:00:05,377 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 3 00:00:05,458 --> 00:00:06,708 ♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's show ♪ 4 00:00:06,792 --> 00:00:08,002 ♪ Oww ♪ 5 00:00:09,208 --> 00:00:10,998 ♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪ 6 00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:12,213 ♪ Whoo-hoo ♪ 7 00:00:12,292 --> 00:00:13,632 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 8 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,543 Let's start the show. 9 00:00:19,125 --> 00:00:21,455 [cheers and applause] 10 00:00:21,542 --> 00:00:25,632 [announcer] Dave Chappelle! 11 00:00:25,708 --> 00:00:27,078 Oh, wow... 12 00:00:28,458 --> 00:00:29,038 Man. 13 00:00:30,625 --> 00:00:33,075 Welcome, welcome to the Chappelle show , everybody. 14 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:36,127 Thanks for coming out, man, I am your, um, host. 15 00:00:37,458 --> 00:00:39,128 [laughs] 16 00:00:39,208 --> 00:00:40,788 You know, I gotta tell y'all, 17 00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,325 I just bought one of the hottest albums 18 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:43,667 I bought in a long time, man. 19 00:00:43,750 --> 00:00:46,250 That, that Chocolate Factory, that R. Kelly. 20 00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:47,833 He put it down. 21 00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:49,207 [applause] 22 00:00:49,042 --> 00:00:51,292 I mean, say what you want to say about his scandal, 23 00:00:51,375 --> 00:00:54,325 but the music is scandal-proof, you know what I'm saying? 24 00:00:54,417 --> 00:00:55,877 And any real fan of R. Kelly 25 00:00:55,958 --> 00:00:57,748 wouldn't let that scandal stop him 26 00:00:57,833 --> 00:01:00,003 because if you was paying attention to his music 27 00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:01,133 all these years, 28 00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:04,168 you might've seen it coming like I did. 29 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,540 Go ahead, roll that video. 30 00:01:07,958 --> 00:01:10,458 Yeah... it's the R. 31 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,830 40 ounces of malt liquor make me want to tell you somethin'. 32 00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:16,957 ♪ Said rollin' around Sittin' on dubs ♪ 33 00:01:17,042 --> 00:01:18,792 ♪ Countin' the hours High on shrubs ♪ 34 00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:20,955 ♪ Coolin' in my escalade ♪ 35 00:01:21,042 --> 00:01:22,832 ♪ Man, I'm paid I got it made ♪ 36 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,877 ♪ Take me to Your special place ♪ 37 00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:27,078 ♪ Close your eyes Show me your face ♪ 38 00:01:28,167 --> 00:01:29,707 ♪ I'm gonna piss on it ♪ 39 00:01:30,917 --> 00:01:34,627 ♪ Haters wanna hate Lovers wanna love ♪ 40 00:01:34,708 --> 00:01:37,878 ♪ I don't even want None of the above ♪ 41 00:01:37,958 --> 00:01:41,078 ♪ I want to piss on you Yes, I do ♪ 42 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,787 ♪ I'll piss on you I'll pee on you ♪ 43 00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:49,043 ♪ Said your body Your body ♪ 44 00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:52,207 ♪ Is a port-a-potty ♪ 45 00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:56,003 ♪ I'ma pee out kick ♪ 46 00:01:58,042 --> 00:02:00,172 ♪ I can use karate Use karate ♪ 47 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:04,130 ♪ I'ma pee on you ♪ 48 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,128 ♪ Drip, drip, drip Pee on you ♪ 49 00:02:06,208 --> 00:02:07,788 ♪ Pour on you ♪ 50 00:02:07,875 --> 00:02:09,785 ♪ Piss on you Piss on you ♪ 51 00:02:09,875 --> 00:02:13,375 ♪ You'll never feel Quite the same ♪ 52 00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:17,378 ♪ When you get a whiff Of my Hershey stains ♪ 53 00:02:17,458 --> 00:02:20,828 ♪ I wanna poop on you too ♪ 54 00:02:20,917 --> 00:02:23,537 ♪ I want to Pee in your food ♪ 55 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:27,040 ♪ Only thing To make my life complete ♪ 56 00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:30,075 ♪ Is when I turn your face Into a toilet seat ♪ 57 00:02:31,125 --> 00:02:33,745 ♪ I want to pee on you ♪ 58 00:02:33,833 --> 00:02:36,543 ♪ Yes, I do Yes, I do ♪ 59 00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:39,035 ♪ I'll pee on you I'll piss on you ♪ 60 00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:45,077 ♪ Haters wanna hate Lovers wanna love ♪ 61 00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:48,787 ♪ I don't even want None of the above ♪ 62 00:02:48,875 --> 00:02:51,995 ♪ I want to piss on you Yes, I do ♪ 63 00:02:52,083 --> 00:02:54,753 ♪ I'll piss on you I'll pee on you ♪ 64 00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:59,962 ♪ Won't you braid my hair ♪ 65 00:03:00,042 --> 00:03:05,042 ♪ Say, won't you braid my hair ♪ 66 00:03:05,125 --> 00:03:07,035 ♪ Before you start I'm gonna fart ♪ 67 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,250 ♪ I'm gonna fart on you ♪ 68 00:03:12,042 --> 00:03:15,082 [applause and cheers] 69 00:03:15,167 --> 00:03:17,287 Oh! 70 00:03:17,375 --> 00:03:20,745 Boy, that R. Kelly can make a love song about anything, 71 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:21,543 can't he? 72 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,580 Now, a lot of you might be wondering, 73 00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,667 "Dave, how are you gonna follow that?" 74 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:28,748 How else? 75 00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:30,133 Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, 76 00:03:30,208 --> 00:03:33,828 for Paul Mooney's, time for, "Ask a Black Dude." 77 00:03:38,792 --> 00:03:41,132 Are all their dicks really big? 78 00:03:41,208 --> 00:03:43,668 Or are some small, some big? 79 00:03:43,750 --> 00:03:45,000 Is it a mixed bag, 80 00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:47,133 or do we just assume they're all hung like horses? 81 00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:50,578 Brothers are packing, they seem to be packing. 82 00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:52,167 I guess that's the way of the world. 83 00:03:53,583 --> 00:03:56,173 That's why you have so many mixed couples. 84 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,750 White girl ain't that crazy. How's the old saying go? 85 00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:02,293 "Once you go black, you don't come back"? 86 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,075 You go white, you go running back to black. 87 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,127 Ain't that the way it goes? 88 00:04:06,208 --> 00:04:07,458 It happens that way. 89 00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:09,502 Wasn't Mariah Carey married to a white man? 90 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,168 And then they divorced... 91 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,330 She was humping on black chairs, 92 00:04:13,417 --> 00:04:15,327 she went crazy when she got away from him. 93 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,043 Okay, I've always wondered 94 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,535 why black guys shave their heads. 95 00:04:20,625 --> 00:04:23,075 I mean, it just seems that they have great hair, 96 00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:24,627 and I could never figure out 97 00:04:24,708 --> 00:04:27,418 why so many of them shave their heads. 98 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,460 It's just a fad. 99 00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:30,002 Now, white folks wear bald heads, too. 100 00:04:30,083 --> 00:04:32,333 You know they ain't gonna let a nigga have nothing. 101 00:04:32,417 --> 00:04:33,997 We wore naturals, they took that, 102 00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:35,333 they take everything. 103 00:04:35,417 --> 00:04:36,957 They took Tina Turner. 104 00:04:37,042 --> 00:04:39,212 They took Michael Jackson. 105 00:04:39,042 --> 00:04:42,172 They took James Brown... They gave him back. 106 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,000 Who else they take? 107 00:04:44,292 --> 00:04:47,172 Lionel Richie. Oh, they'll take stuff from you. 108 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,250 They will take, they won't let us have too much fun. 109 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,383 That's what I told some black people 110 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,328 the other night at my show. 111 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,957 I said, "Don't get too fond of me 112 00:04:55,042 --> 00:04:56,712 'cause white folks'll come in and take me." 113 00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:01,077 They only want niggas to have a little bit of fun. 114 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,167 I get to talking some mess on your show, 115 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,250 they'll take your show, they'll fix you, too. 116 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,082 Woo! 117 00:05:11,417 --> 00:05:15,077 That Paul Mooney is something! 118 00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,707 I can't believe this is actually happening. 119 00:05:16,792 --> 00:05:21,172 R. Kelly actually sent over the Piss On You remix. 120 00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:23,500 -[man] What? -I'm serious! 121 00:05:23,583 --> 00:05:24,963 For real, look! 122 00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:27,917 [narration] Normally I don't do this, 123 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,750 but I'ma hit y'all off with a little taste of the remix. 124 00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:31,543 Y'all ready? Here we go. 125 00:05:31,625 --> 00:05:33,745 ♪ I pick you up From the club ♪ 126 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,253 ♪ Take you home To make some love ♪ 127 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,133 ♪ Got a surprise Close your eyes ♪ 128 00:05:37,208 --> 00:05:39,328 ♪ I'm gonna Cover you with suds ♪ 129 00:05:42,583 --> 00:05:44,253 ♪ I'm gonna give you Some poo-poo ♪ 130 00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:45,883 ♪ I'm gonna give you Some pee-pee ♪ 131 00:05:45,958 --> 00:05:47,918 ♪ I'm gonna give you Some doo-doo ♪ 132 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,420 ♪ Wash it down With some wee-wee ♪ 133 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:53,170 ♪ This is the remix edition Of the song about pissin' ♪ 134 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,210 ♪ I got that peein' Leakin', reekin' ♪ 135 00:05:55,292 --> 00:05:58,002 ♪ And there's juice In the kitchen ♪ 136 00:05:58,083 --> 00:06:02,083 Yeah... that's how it goes at an R. Kelly party. 137 00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:03,957 ♪ I sip cris'... ♪ 138 00:06:06,083 --> 00:06:07,503 ♪ You drink piss. ♪ 139 00:06:08,875 --> 00:06:10,875 I Wanna Piss On You remix. 140 00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:11,998 You heard? 141 00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,463 You know, I'm serious. 142 00:06:13,542 --> 00:06:15,672 I really do want to piss on you. 143 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,790 [applause] 144 00:06:17,875 --> 00:06:19,455 We'll take a quick commercial break. 145 00:06:19,542 --> 00:06:21,672 Don't go nowhere, we'll be right back. 146 00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:25,995 ♪ Chappelle's Show Ow ♪ 147 00:06:28,583 --> 00:06:30,083 Hey, gang. 148 00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:32,787 Boy, so much to talk about tonight. 149 00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:35,415 I've been watching the, The History Channel a lot. 150 00:06:36,833 --> 00:06:37,923 The History Channel, 151 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,080 it gives you perspective on a lot of things. 152 00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:40,497 For instance, gang violence 153 00:06:40,583 --> 00:06:43,003 is something that I never really understood. 154 00:06:43,083 --> 00:06:44,713 And then I was watching The History Channel 155 00:06:44,792 --> 00:06:46,172 and they just came with it, man. 156 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,710 They really enlightened me. 157 00:06:48,792 --> 00:06:53,082 [host] Welcome to "The World's Greatest Wars." 158 00:06:53,167 --> 00:06:55,077 We've reviewed the civil war, 159 00:06:56,083 --> 00:07:00,673 World War II and the Gulf War. 160 00:07:00,750 --> 00:07:05,460 But now, we turn your attention to a classic war 161 00:07:05,542 --> 00:07:09,252 that took place right here on American soil. 162 00:07:11,125 --> 00:07:14,995 For the last 20 years, on Chicago's south side, 163 00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:19,503 a violent war has been waged between two bitter enemies, 164 00:07:19,583 --> 00:07:23,883 the 19th Street Gangsters and The River Terrace Crew. 165 00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:29,208 The war began in 1982 over a pair of basketball shoes. 166 00:07:29,042 --> 00:07:32,172 But not just any basketball shoes. 167 00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:35,170 These... were Nikes. 168 00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,577 "Ay, dog, ay," 169 00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:39,827 Earl The Snake White called out 170 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:42,877 after a rival member of the 19th Street Gangsters, 171 00:07:42,958 --> 00:07:45,128 General Cornrow Wallace, 172 00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:47,418 made minor contact with his shoes. 173 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:48,380 Ay! 174 00:07:49,458 --> 00:07:50,958 Ay, dog, ay. 175 00:07:51,875 --> 00:07:53,455 You stepped on my sneaker, man! 176 00:07:53,542 --> 00:07:56,132 The Snake knew then that he would have to fight him. 177 00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:57,998 Aah! 178 00:07:58,417 --> 00:08:00,287 Ah, aah! 179 00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:01,455 What you got? 180 00:08:01,542 --> 00:08:03,002 Oh! Aah! 181 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,713 [mocking] Aah! Aah! 182 00:08:05,792 --> 00:08:08,082 Get that shit off my sneakers! 183 00:08:08,167 --> 00:08:10,167 [clucking, cooing] 184 00:08:14,208 --> 00:08:17,418 [narrator] The Snake was down, but not out. 185 00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:19,540 He returned to the crew's clubhouse 186 00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:22,875 and rallied the troops with a most impassioned speech. 187 00:08:22,958 --> 00:08:25,378 [man] Some mark-ass trick just stepped on my sneakers 188 00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:27,418 and poured Morton salt all over 'em. 189 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:29,543 Are y'all ready to ride? 190 00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:31,040 Robble, robble. 191 00:08:31,125 --> 00:08:32,285 [all] Robble, robble! 192 00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:35,495 Let's ride on these fools at their own barbecue. 193 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,003 [narrator] Wasting no time, 194 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,213 the crew commenced stomping on people's sneakers 195 00:08:39,042 --> 00:08:42,332 to let them know who ran the projects. 196 00:08:42,417 --> 00:08:46,127 General Cornrow Wallace pulled out a gun-- 197 00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:48,828 unheard of, at that point, in street fighting. 198 00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:49,997 [gunshot] 199 00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:52,043 A resident called 911 immediately. 200 00:08:52,125 --> 00:08:56,035 Police showed up promptly four hours later. 201 00:08:56,125 --> 00:08:58,875 Cornrow was sentenced to seven years in prison. 202 00:08:58,958 --> 00:09:03,078 His time there would be formative, to say the least. 203 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,577 [clucking, cooing] 204 00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,247 His roommate in jail was a man named Tyrone Biggums, 205 00:09:08,333 --> 00:09:12,923 who regaled cornrow with stories of a new way to make cocaine. 206 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,170 It's called crack! 207 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,710 It's great! 208 00:09:16,792 --> 00:09:18,922 And it's so simple to make! 209 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,670 All you need is some cocaine and some baking soda... 210 00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,210 And I think I tasted egg and cinnamon. 211 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:29,042 Whoever sells it is gonna be rich! 212 00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:32,455 Cornrow immediately alerted his friends on the outside 213 00:09:32,542 --> 00:09:33,962 via a letter. 214 00:09:34,042 --> 00:09:36,002 [man reading slowly] "Yo. 215 00:09:36,083 --> 00:09:39,173 Y'all niggers need to cook up cocaine 216 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:44,130 with... ba-king powder and sell it. 217 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:48,167 All the best, Cornrow-up. 218 00:09:48,958 --> 00:09:49,708 P.S." 219 00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:52,205 [coos] 220 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,882 [narrator] They immediately started cooking the stuff up 221 00:09:54,958 --> 00:09:58,498 and selling it on what little space they still controlled. 222 00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:00,793 They had made hundreds of thousands of dollars 223 00:10:00,875 --> 00:10:02,625 in mere weeks. 224 00:10:02,708 --> 00:10:05,748 In no time, snake and his crew followed suit. 225 00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:09,543 The money made fueled what became a heated arms race 226 00:10:09,625 --> 00:10:11,125 between the two groups. 227 00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:13,328 [gunshots] 228 00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:15,577 [explosion, snake laughs] 229 00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,207 The violence escalated every year, 230 00:10:17,292 --> 00:10:19,792 finally peaking in 1989 231 00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:23,035 when the 19th Street Gangsters sustained a massive loss 232 00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:25,375 at the battle of the Kool Moe Dee concert, 233 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:29,078 which took place at... A Kool Moe Dee concert. 234 00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:31,077 Newly released from prison, 235 00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:34,287 revered general cornrow Wallace was shot dead. 236 00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:36,875 The funeral was somber 237 00:10:36,958 --> 00:10:39,878 and filled with cornrow's signature bird call. 238 00:10:39,958 --> 00:10:42,578 [all cooing] 239 00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:45,167 The funeral passed without incident 240 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,080 but what the crew did next 241 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:50,167 appalled even the hardest thugs. 242 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,290 The crew went to the graveyard 243 00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:55,205 and dug up General Cornrow Wallace's body, 244 00:10:56,375 --> 00:10:58,625 absconding with it to their hideout. 245 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,500 The incident was videotaped 246 00:11:01,583 --> 00:11:04,543 and sent to members of the 19th Street Gangsters. 247 00:11:04,625 --> 00:11:06,785 Hey, fool, we got your leader. 248 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:07,785 Look at us. 249 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:10,125 High five! High five! 250 00:11:10,208 --> 00:11:12,378 Look at these pretty clothes there. 251 00:11:13,583 --> 00:11:16,133 Get his shoes, look at them pretty shoes! 252 00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:18,328 Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em. 253 00:11:18,417 --> 00:11:21,997 ♪ Robble, robble Robble, robble ♪ 254 00:11:25,083 --> 00:11:26,753 Tensions between the gangsters 255 00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:30,213 and the 19th Street crew rage to this day. 256 00:11:30,042 --> 00:11:33,002 Most of the original members of the gangs 257 00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,333 are either dead or in jail. 258 00:11:35,417 --> 00:11:39,707 But we did speak to one member, Earl The Snake White. 259 00:11:39,792 --> 00:11:43,042 Ironically, he now works at a Friendly Shoe Source 260 00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:45,625 in a strip mall on the exact location 261 00:11:45,708 --> 00:11:47,998 where the cardinal projects once stood. 262 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,383 All right! 263 00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:53,168 [narrator] Snake, knowing what you do now, was it all worth it? 264 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,630 Yeah, it was a tragedy! 265 00:11:55,667 --> 00:11:56,877 Can you repeat the question? 266 00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:00,503 For The History Channel, I'm Jeff Frankel. 267 00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:02,080 Good night. 268 00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:06,577 [applause] 269 00:12:06,667 --> 00:12:08,997 We're gonna take a quick commercial break, 270 00:12:09,083 --> 00:12:12,133 but we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show. 271 00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:13,418 So don't go anywhere. 272 00:12:18,458 --> 00:12:19,958 Ha-ha, go ahead! 273 00:12:23,875 --> 00:12:25,285 Hey, gang, welcome back. 274 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,420 Welcome back. 275 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,037 So here at Chappelle's Show we like to show people 276 00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:35,495 the real versions of movies. 277 00:12:35,583 --> 00:12:37,633 Okay, so I got another one for you. 278 00:12:37,708 --> 00:12:39,378 Today we're gonna do Deep Impact. 279 00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:40,878 I don't know if you've seen it. 280 00:12:40,958 --> 00:12:43,288 This was where Morgan Freeman was the Black president. 281 00:12:44,583 --> 00:12:46,793 An asteroid was speeding towards Earth, 282 00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:48,915 and he had to figure out a way 283 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,380 to solve the problem and save humanity! 284 00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:55,208 I wonder what would really happen, hmm? 285 00:12:57,500 --> 00:12:58,960 Please be seated. 286 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:04,460 Hello, America. 287 00:13:04,542 --> 00:13:07,002 As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine 288 00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:10,213 speeding towards earth as we speak. 289 00:13:10,042 --> 00:13:12,212 I'd like to take a moment out of the day to, uh, 290 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:16,582 address the allegations that this is somehow my fault. 291 00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:22,415 Firstly I'd like to say 292 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:26,080 that these allegations are absolutely and 100% false. 293 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,380 Secondly, and most importantly, 294 00:13:28,458 --> 00:13:32,878 I'd like to say that you motherfuckers disgust me! 295 00:13:32,958 --> 00:13:35,168 You're goddamn right I said it. 296 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,710 If you knew just one of the things 297 00:13:36,792 --> 00:13:38,042 I was sworn to secrecy to, 298 00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:40,285 you would buckle under the goddamn pressure. 299 00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:42,415 [all] Mr. President! Mr. President! 300 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:43,380 Like what? 301 00:13:43,458 --> 00:13:44,538 How about this. 302 00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,707 I have here in my hand the cure for aids. 303 00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:52,077 We've had this for 25 years. 304 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,328 Have a great weekend. 305 00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:58,417 Did I shock you? Are you crazy yet? 306 00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,000 Well, I have somebody I'd like you to meet. 307 00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:03,133 Come on up here, Paula. 308 00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:06,038 America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula. 309 00:14:06,792 --> 00:14:09,172 And here's Paula again. 310 00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:11,630 And here's Paula one more time. 311 00:14:11,708 --> 00:14:14,038 We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle 312 00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:16,955 some 19-odd years ago. 313 00:14:17,042 --> 00:14:18,422 Not only that, we added a pinch of black genes 314 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,130 so that they could do things like this. 315 00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,418 Hit it, girls. 316 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:25,080 ♪ Running through the raindrops ♪ 317 00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:27,577 ♪ Wishing that you won't stop-- ♪ 318 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,787 That'll be enough, thank you very much. 319 00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:30,625 All right, baby. 320 00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,673 Oh, hold on, Paula. 321 00:14:34,125 --> 00:14:35,535 It's the cure for aids. 322 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:36,825 Sorry about last night. 323 00:14:39,375 --> 00:14:41,125 Freaked out yet? Have I blown your mind? 324 00:14:41,208 --> 00:14:43,078 Or you think you can still handle my job? 325 00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:45,877 Because if you're cocky and you think you got hold of this, 326 00:14:45,958 --> 00:14:48,418 I got some more information for you. 327 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,000 Would you like to know who killed Kennedy? 328 00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:51,883 [man] Yeah. Who killed Kennedy? 329 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,748 You ready for the truth, America? 330 00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:54,883 Here it comes. 331 00:14:55,792 --> 00:14:57,502 Oswald killed Kennedy. 332 00:14:57,583 --> 00:15:01,083 That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy, 333 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,077 alone and by himself. 334 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,170 With a magic bullet. 335 00:15:06,542 --> 00:15:08,632 That's right, the bullet was actually magical, 336 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:09,828 magic does exist. 337 00:15:09,917 --> 00:15:12,037 We've known about this for some 2,000 years. 338 00:15:12,125 --> 00:15:13,125 I'm not finished yet, 339 00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:15,418 I have some more information that might startle you. 340 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,040 The R. Kelly sex tape. 341 00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,078 That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me. 342 00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:21,327 That's right, 343 00:15:21,417 --> 00:15:23,037 I urinate on people when I have sex with them. 344 00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:25,625 I'm a disgusting human being and I apologize 345 00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:27,958 to the people who I've hurt and peed on. 346 00:15:28,042 --> 00:15:29,832 Bet I blew your mind right there, didn't I? 347 00:15:29,917 --> 00:15:31,037 I'm really on a roll and I don't care 348 00:15:31,125 --> 00:15:33,575 because the world's going to end any day now. 349 00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:36,577 So I might as well introduce you to a good friend of mine, 350 00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,247 Bibble. Bibble, come on up. 351 00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:40,753 [man] Oh my God! Is that an alien? 352 00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,128 America, this is Bibble. 353 00:15:46,208 --> 00:15:48,538 Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away 354 00:15:48,625 --> 00:15:51,035 in a galaxy called Nebulon Five. 355 00:15:51,125 --> 00:15:53,995 And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology 356 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,133 we've seen over the last few decades: 357 00:15:56,208 --> 00:15:58,788 Cell phones, pagers, PlayStation 1 and 2. 358 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,535 You might think it was the Japanese 359 00:16:00,625 --> 00:16:02,035 who are responsible, 360 00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:04,825 but anyone in the know knows that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle 361 00:16:04,917 --> 00:16:05,877 and all 'bout Bibble. 362 00:16:05,958 --> 00:16:07,958 'Cause only Bibble can keep it so real. 363 00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:13,167 Hey, uh, Bibble, is the spaceship ready? 364 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,000 -[Electronic voice] Aye, aye. -I'm ready to get out of here. 365 00:16:15,083 --> 00:16:16,963 Okay, me and Bibble are about to leave, 366 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,792 but before we go I just want to say, 367 00:16:18,875 --> 00:16:20,745 there's no hope for the planet earth. 368 00:16:20,833 --> 00:16:22,333 There's no way to stop the asteroid 369 00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:23,577 and you're all gonna die. 370 00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:25,167 Everyone except for me. 371 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:26,670 And of course, Bibble, 372 00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:29,330 who's been so kind to let me accompany him on his spaceship. 373 00:16:29,417 --> 00:16:30,417 And I'm bringing those 374 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,170 three cloned white women with me. 375 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,210 Good-bye, America. 376 00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:35,422 I hope you all die in a fiery death 377 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,710 when the meteor hits next Tuesday. 378 00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,382 Come on, Bibble, let's get out of here. 379 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,208 [man] Oh, my God! 380 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,082 Aye, aye. 381 00:16:44,542 --> 00:16:47,212 [applause] 382 00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:52,213 All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break. 383 00:16:52,292 --> 00:16:55,132 But please, don't go anywhere 'cause we'll be right back. 384 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,460 Look at that. 385 00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:05,002 ♪ Turn on your TV what you gonna see? ♪ 386 00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:10,667 I would like to thank the studio audience. 387 00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,670 I would like to thank you at home. 388 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:15,960 You see, because I keep saying-- 389 00:17:16,042 --> 00:17:17,382 -Hi. -Hey, what's up, man? 390 00:17:17,458 --> 00:17:18,998 We just got a call, 391 00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:19,963 looks like you're having a lot of fun out here. 392 00:17:20,042 --> 00:17:21,082 Just having a blast, baby. 393 00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:23,707 Yeah, we, uh, we are the white guys. 394 00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,332 And we've come to take over your show. 395 00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:29,495 What do you mean, are you--? 396 00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,213 Well, we already got Paul Mooney. 397 00:17:31,292 --> 00:17:33,132 -Now we gotta take you. -You took Paul? 398 00:17:33,208 --> 00:17:34,458 Yeah-- oh, and by the way, 399 00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,132 could you people stack the chairs 400 00:17:36,208 --> 00:17:36,998 on the way out, please? 401 00:17:37,083 --> 00:17:38,213 Thank you so much. 402 00:17:38,042 --> 00:17:39,172 Hey, wait a minute, wait. 403 00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:40,670 Get a picture of me and David before we go. 404 00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:41,960 Oh, sure, sure. 405 00:17:42,042 --> 00:17:43,172 Yeah, my daughter's gonna love this. 406 00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:44,210 Oh, Hannah, yeah? 407 00:17:44,292 --> 00:17:45,712 My daughter thinks you're really funny. 408 00:17:46,583 --> 00:17:48,333 Okay, we got him now, huh? 409 00:17:48,417 --> 00:17:50,287 Is this still live? Can we cut that? 410 00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:52,575 Yeah, the Mike's on-- but, hey, hold on there-- 411 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:53,457 Come on, let's go. 412 00:17:53,542 --> 00:17:54,292 Help! 413 00:17:55,917 --> 00:17:56,917 Help! 414 00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:02,330 What y'all clapping for? Help! 415 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,040 Watch your step. 416 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,125 This ain't no skit, bitch, help! 417 00:18:09,208 --> 00:18:10,958 I'm rich, biatch! 418 00:18:11,042 --> 00:18:12,212 [horn honks] 419 00:18:12,042 --> 00:18:13,082 Hi, thank you! 420 00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:20,130 Good night, Cornrow Wallace. 421 00:18:20,208 --> 00:18:21,828 Watch out for the wolves. 422 00:18:28,583 --> 00:18:31,043 Is it mornin' yet? 423 00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:32,785 I pee on people when I have sex with them. 424 00:18:33,625 --> 00:18:35,205 [laughs] 425 00:18:35,292 --> 00:18:38,542 Can I say "pee on people" or is standards gonna kill me? 426 00:18:38,625 --> 00:18:40,165 That's right, I spray people with urine 427 00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:41,630 during sexual encounters. 428 00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:43,998 Surprise, surprise, right in your eyes. 429 00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:45,923 You're right, that's much lighter. 430 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,920 [crew laughing] 431 00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:52,520 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 32824

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