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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Ow! ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[cheering and applauding]
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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Good evening.
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Welcome back, guys.
How ya been?
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Guys, I was out last night,
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had a pretty good time,
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and I saw that mad dash.
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You know, the mad dash
at the end of the night
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when guys are really scrambling
to get some booty?
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And it's like a game,
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and the shot clock
is running out.
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It's like football or something.
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Well, if you come up
under incredible odds,
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that means that you've had
a great moment
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in hook-up history,
and I salute you,
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and I salute all
who have had a great moment
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in hook-up history.
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[narrator] 1983, historicApplecrumby's,
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the setting for yet anotherclassic standoff
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between sworn rivals.
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Just the sort of standoffthat creates
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classic hook-up moments.
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Bobby Hutchinsonhad spent the night
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trying to rush his wayto pay dirt, Gina Morris.
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Both prior attemptsby Bobby were stuffed
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by the tough defensive line
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that Morris traveled with.
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Left guard, Carol Deitrich,
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and right guard,Denisha "Bear" Bryant,
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a tandem that had racked up14 cock blocks
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just a year earlier.
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With the defensemomentarily sidelined,
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Bobby struck quickly,
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approaching the coveted Morris
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and winning her over
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with one of his hystericalvideo game references.
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You give me Pac-Man fever.
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[gobbling]
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[narrator] With the defensereturningand time running out,
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Bobby went into hishurry-up offense.
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Slowly but surely, Hutchinsonwore down the defensive line
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with shots up the gut.
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With time running out,
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Hutchinson went forthe game-winning score.
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Gina, why don't you
just come home with me?
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No, we promised each other
we'd all leave here together.
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[narrator]
His attempt was blocked.
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But Hutchinson recoveredthe block
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and exploited the defense'sbiggest weakness.
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You know, I got
some pizzas at the crib.
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Alright.
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Pizza?
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I don't want no pizza.
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And some weed, too.
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Weed? A'ight, yeah.
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[narrator] Hutchinson knewhe was home free.
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Victory was assured.
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That night, Bobby and Ginahad drunken sex
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on top of her twopassed-out friends,
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Technically makingit a four-way.
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Bobby Hutchinson, yet anothergreat player
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responsible for a great momentin hook-up history.
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Them clothes
were a throwback.
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I look like Turbo from Breakin'.
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I really got into
that character, too.
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'Cause after we was done
shooting,
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I cleaned up the set.
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I'm serious,
they rolled camera on it.
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[techno music playing]
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And now, folks, it is time
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00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:14,463
for a segment that I like
to call Real Movies,
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00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:17,582
where you show the real version
of what would happen
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in some of our favorite movies.
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You know, a lot of these movies
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get to be a little fake
and phony.
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Like you see Home Alone,
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and Macaulay Culkin
is trickin' these bad guys,
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when you know any real robber
would've shot the little dude
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in the first five minutes,
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roll credits, the end.
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So we like to show
what would really happen
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in some of our favorite movies.
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Starting tonight
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with The Matrix.
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[mobile ringing]
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Hello?
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[man] Hello, Neo,
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do you know who this is?
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Morpheus?
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[Morpheus] Yes.
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I've been looking for you, Neo.
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I don't know if you're readyto see what I want to show you,
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but, unfortunately, you and Ihave run out of time.
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They're coming for you, Neo,
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And I don't knowwhat they're going to do.
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Who's coming for me?
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Stand up and see for yourself.
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[exclaims]
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I can guide you out of there
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but you must doexactly as I say.
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Okay.
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The cubicle acrossfrom you is empty.
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Go, now!
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Stay there.
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When I tell you,go to the end of the hall.
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Stay as low as you can.
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Now.
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[agent farting]
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There is a black man
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sitting ata deskdirectly to your right.
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Look at him.
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Morpheus?
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Psyche! [chuckles]
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It's Earl, nigga,
I need your stapler.
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I can't find mine.
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Hello, dumb-dumb,
do you know who this is?
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[laughing]
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Dude, you totally got me.
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Whoa!
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[laughing]
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Alright, gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back
with Chappelle's Show.
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[cheering and applauding]
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[chuckles] You know, folks,
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in an earlier episode,
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we were talking about
just the entrepreneurship
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of all these hip-hop cats, man.
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These rappers got their
hands in everything.
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So I'm home the other day,
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and I caught this commercial...
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I don't know
if y'all have seen it,
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but this bugged me out.
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[announcer] The most preciousthing in the world
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is the financial securityand well-being of your family.
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You wanna send your little onesto the best schools,
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and in the end,
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know that you've left themwith peace of mind.
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Nowadays we all know thatcash rules everything around us,
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cream,
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get the money,dollar-dollar bill, y'all.
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That's why it's time to enterthe 36 chambers.
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00:08:03,292 --> 00:08:06,292
Come step to the "Wu",Wu-Tang Financial.
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00:08:07,292 --> 00:08:09,752
At Wu-Tang financial,
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we'll work with you
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to devise the best planfor you and your fam.
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00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:15,042
I mean, Smith Barney--
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00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:18,125
-Bunch of bitches.
-Old-time farts and shit.
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00:08:18,208 --> 00:08:19,418
You gotta know how
to jack this shit.
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00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,670
You gotta play
this game rough.
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00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,880
You know what I mean?
In, out, get, grab, bonk.
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00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:26,333
You need to diversify
your bonds, nigga.
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Military shit is blowin' up.
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We about to go to war,
invest in some nuclear bombs.
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This ain't
trading places, nigga.
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This is real fucking life!
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Protect your goddamn neck,
a'ight?
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00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,750
Wu-Tang Financial,
a place for you and your kids.
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00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:43,673
[narrator]
All of our trusted consultants
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00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:45,080
are here to meet your needs.
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00:08:45,167 --> 00:08:46,537
Unfortunately,
the ol' dirty bastard
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couldn't make it today,
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but he sends his regards...
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[mimicking]
Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da.
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[narrator] So call us,
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because at the end of the day,
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Wu-Tang Clan ain'tnothin' to fuck with.
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪ ♪
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[narrator] Step to the "Wu",Wu-Tang Financial.
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00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:22,285
Now, who could forget
the timeless classic,
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Pretty Woman,
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where Julia Roberts
plays a prostitute
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that lucks up
and meets a millionaire,
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and they fall in love?
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Well, let's see what would
happen in the real version
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00:09:34,792 --> 00:09:35,922
of Pretty Woman.
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00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:40,998
I worked at a couple
of fast-food places.
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00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,825
Parked cars at wrestling.
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I couldn't pay the rent.
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00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,577
And I was too ashamed
to go home.
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That's when I met Kit.
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She was a hooker
and made it sound so great.
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Okay.
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00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:05,168
You've gotta get
the fuck outta here.
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00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:09,500
Hey,
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we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
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00:10:12,458 --> 00:10:13,998
and I promise
we'll be right back
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with more Chappelle's Show.
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♪ The greatest show ♪
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00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:21,625
Hey, gang.
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00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:24,995
Hey, hey, welcome back.
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00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:29,247
You know, folks,
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00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:31,253
I'm really tryin'
to encourage dialogue
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00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:34,173
amongst the diverse array
of people in America,
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00:10:34,042 --> 00:10:37,002
so it's time again
for Ask a Black Dude
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00:10:37,083 --> 00:10:40,133
with none other than comedian,
Paul Mooney.
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00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,170
Why in the movies is the
Black guy the first guy killed?
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00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:54,083
That happy nigga,
that's in that movie
209
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:56,077
where he heals all white people,
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00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,207
the big black runaway.
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00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:00,133
He was throughout
that whole movie.
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00:11:00,208 --> 00:11:01,628
He only got killed
at the end...
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00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:02,918
which I hated.
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00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,380
I hated that movie
'cause I hated him,
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00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:06,418
and I hated everybody
that wrote that movie.
216
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,710
Black people are always worried
about, like,
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00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:10,212
in Barbershop.
218
00:11:10,042 --> 00:11:12,002
They better be worried about
what they say in white films.
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00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,423
White films go
all over the world.
220
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:15,080
'Cause I remember The Godfather,
221
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:16,747
and I won't forget the...
222
00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:18,213
When they had the drug scene
and they said,
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00:11:18,292 --> 00:11:20,672
"Well, we don't do that,
sell it to the Niggers."
224
00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:22,130
They shoulda had somethin'
to say about that.
225
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:26,667
Are your cameras still on?
226
00:11:28,375 --> 00:11:30,705
Black people wanna go
to Black dentists,
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00:11:30,792 --> 00:11:33,082
and do Black people wanna
get buried by Black...
228
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,080
undertakers?
229
00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:38,207
That's funny, Stephen King.
230
00:11:38,292 --> 00:11:40,002
He almost said, "Nigger,"
I read between 'em.
231
00:11:41,375 --> 00:11:42,875
I always thought
dentists were dentists.
232
00:11:42,958 --> 00:11:45,128
I wasn't into Black
and white dentists, please.
233
00:11:45,208 --> 00:11:47,668
If they can fix the teeth, cool,
if they can't, that's cool, too.
234
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:50,633
That's kind of a weird question,
235
00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:54,038
and coming from Stephen King,
that was very strange.
236
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:55,875
A horror man come on and ask
a question about a nigga.
237
00:11:55,958 --> 00:11:56,828
That was already scary.
238
00:11:58,125 --> 00:12:00,075
I wrote a script
for Stephen King.
239
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:01,627
I have a Stephen King
horror movie...
240
00:12:01,708 --> 00:12:03,878
Nigger with a brain.
We'll see how that scare people.
241
00:12:03,958 --> 00:12:06,208
Niggers in school,
how 'bout that, Stephen?
242
00:12:12,458 --> 00:12:13,418
[chuckling]
243
00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:16,825
Sex, sex, sex.
244
00:12:16,917 --> 00:12:19,707
See, the thing about sex
is there's good sex
245
00:12:19,792 --> 00:12:21,252
and there's bad sex.
246
00:12:21,333 --> 00:12:24,253
This next piece
is a special report
247
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:26,583
on some bad sex.
248
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:30,128
And I mean bad like,
249
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,168
Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.
250
00:12:35,958 --> 00:12:37,828
[announcer] And nowa News Center 3 special report
251
00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:38,787
with Chuck Taylor.
252
00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:40,575
Good evening,
I'm Chuck Taylor.
253
00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:42,037
Tonight's top story...
254
00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:45,035
Outrage throughout the community
as yet another sex scandal
255
00:12:45,125 --> 00:12:47,575
involving boys
and men of authority.
256
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,957
Who is it this time, you ask?
257
00:12:50,042 --> 00:12:52,962
Jedi Knights in
a galaxy far, far away.
258
00:12:53,042 --> 00:12:55,082
Many of them are coming
forward with allegations
259
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:57,127
that the Jedi Masters
they studied under
260
00:12:57,208 --> 00:12:59,168
repeatedly sexually
molested them
261
00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:00,670
over a number of years
262
00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:03,210
and that the Jedi Council
knew about it all along,
263
00:13:03,292 --> 00:13:06,632
in some cases,
encouraging the abuse.
264
00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:09,828
To clarify, Jedi Knights
like young Luke Skywalker
265
00:13:09,917 --> 00:13:11,957
being sexually abused by Jedis
266
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,502
like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
267
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:18,287
Okay, we're getting word
that council leader Yoda
268
00:13:18,375 --> 00:13:21,785
is having a press conference
right now at Skywalker ranch.
269
00:13:21,875 --> 00:13:23,535
We go there now.
270
00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:26,205
[reporters clamoring]
271
00:13:26,042 --> 00:13:27,252
You.
272
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:29,043
[man] Yoda, isn't it true
273
00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:31,165
you knew of these abuses
in 1977?
274
00:13:32,125 --> 00:13:35,285
Know about sex with boys,
Yoda did not.
275
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:38,375
Tired, Yoda is.
276
00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:41,247
Resign, he will.
277
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:45,377
[reporter] Yoda, Yoda, Yoda...
278
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:46,708
You, you.
279
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,212
Yoda, then how do
280
00:13:48,292 --> 00:13:50,502
explain the recently
uncovered tape
281
00:13:50,583 --> 00:13:52,333
that seems to implicate
you in the cover-up
282
00:13:52,417 --> 00:13:53,827
of Jedi Boy touching?
283
00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:56,793
Yoda, that was not.
284
00:13:56,875 --> 00:13:57,825
[woman] Then who was it?
285
00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:00,633
Mickey Rooney, maybe?
286
00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:03,247
Over, this interview is.
287
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:04,463
[whooshing]
288
00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:09,003
Can we roll the footage
of that tape in question?
289
00:14:51,125 --> 00:14:53,495
Appalling, Yoda's behavior was.
290
00:14:53,583 --> 00:14:55,043
Damn it!
291
00:14:55,125 --> 00:14:57,995
Now that freak has me
talking like him.
292
00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:00,673
Okay, I'm being told now
that Mace Windau,
293
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,040
Yoda's replacement,
294
00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:03,495
is now at the podium.
295
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:05,173
We go live.
296
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,830
I would just like to say
297
00:15:06,917 --> 00:15:08,957
that this council
has zero tolerance
298
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,002
for any sexual deviancy
299
00:15:11,083 --> 00:15:13,213
regarding our Jedi Knights.
300
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:15,672
[woman reporter]
Mace? Mace? Mace?
301
00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:17,960
Question here. Mace, do you feel
that the Jedis
302
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,082
who committed these kind
of crimes deserve to die?
303
00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:23,957
Yes, they deserve to die,
and I hope they burn in hell!
304
00:15:26,625 --> 00:15:29,075
Strong words from Mr. Windau.
305
00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,827
News Center 3 has been covering
this story for some time,
306
00:15:31,917 --> 00:15:34,577
and earlier today, I caught up
with the former Jedi Knight
307
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,787
who first made
these allegations.
308
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:42,170
My master said
the force was strong in me.
309
00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:46,125
And gave me a wine cooler.
310
00:15:48,042 --> 00:15:51,672
Then he made me wear
a blindfold
311
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:54,040
and reach into his pants
312
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:57,503
to "look for the force."
313
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,825
[breathing heavily]
314
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:04,127
Are you sighing,
or are you just...
315
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:05,128
breathing normally?
316
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,997
I don't even know anymore!
317
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:14,040
Aon, I know this is difficult
for you, but...
318
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,540
Could you show me on the doll
319
00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:18,745
where he touched you?
320
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,420
Point it out.
321
00:16:23,542 --> 00:16:25,382
[breathing heavily]
322
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:29,040
[Jarth] Can we cut tape?
323
00:16:30,917 --> 00:16:32,747
Miguel, you heard the man.
324
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:34,083
Cut the goddamn tape!
325
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:35,207
Just cut it!
326
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,130
[mouthing]
327
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:43,708
[Jarth] [crying] I was just
young and curious.
328
00:16:43,792 --> 00:16:45,882
[sobbing]
329
00:16:45,958 --> 00:16:48,828
We may never know
what really happened, but...
330
00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:50,457
people on the street
have been reacting
331
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,672
to this news all day.
332
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,080
This never would've happened
333
00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:55,167
in the world of Star Trek
334
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:56,540
'cause the fleet commanders
would not have allowed
335
00:16:56,625 --> 00:16:57,995
You can't prove that!
336
00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:00,423
[screaming]
337
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,130
A simple statement of protest
338
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:03,998
from an angry young geek.
339
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:06,537
When we come back,
340
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:09,495
gay-droid marriage,
should it be legalized?
341
00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,293
This queer couple says yes.
342
00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:15,293
[news fanfare music]
343
00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:19,540
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
344
00:17:19,625 --> 00:17:22,245
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
345
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,713
Please, don't go anywhere.
346
00:17:26,292 --> 00:17:27,292
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
347
00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:28,745
♪ Ow! ♪
348
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:32,173
Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all
for being with me tonight.
349
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,580
I'd like to thank you
at home for tuning in.
350
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:35,627
You guys are the greatest.
351
00:17:35,708 --> 00:17:37,378
I'll see you next week,
God willin'.
352
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:38,578
I'm out.
353
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:39,997
[cheering and applauding]
354
00:17:46,042 --> 00:17:48,292
-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!
-[horn honking]
355
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,205
[woman] Hi, thank you.
356
00:17:55,125 --> 00:17:57,375
[techno music playing]
357
00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:09,288
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪
358
00:18:09,375 --> 00:18:11,915
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪
359
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,960
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'To fuck with ♪
360
00:18:16,958 --> 00:18:19,168
[music continues]
361
00:18:19,218 --> 00:18:23,768
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