All language subtitles for [English] TOP 10 Funniest Comedians That Made SIMON COWELL Laugh on AGT & BGT _ Got Talent Global [DownSub.com]

My name is Alec Hooper from Los Angeles, California and

Tell me why events the show this year. I just want to inspire the world through happiness positivity and comedy Oh,

Alex we'll look you've got about two minutes. So good luck. Thank you

Before I begin I'd like to acknowledge your host Tyra Banks

Tyro I truly admire your courage

It must be so difficult to host a show like this and still find a way to make it about you

Somebody get his ass. Oh

That was just an appetizer

Howie

Mandel yes a Canadian

Judging America's Got Talent. What happened? Did they already find all three talented Canadians?

I'm so glad you're here. I've always wanted to know what a big toe would look like if it were a person

With Bobby's world let's move on to spice world. That'll be

Scary spice. Hey, the only thing scary about you is your solo career

Heidi klum, you are

Magical for children and that your body looks as though you haven't paid attention to any of them

Hi dear, you are a natural beauty. Why does it look like your face went through a sephora? Sample sale? Oh my god

I want any what you're gonna say Oh getting to him, don't you?

Simon I'm confused didn't we form this country to get away from Brits like you?

But Simon from all of us thank you for fixing your British teeth those things are so straight and white

They were just offered positions and Trump's cabinet

Good evening. Good evening. What's your name? I'm Mickey Mickey. Yeah, where you from darling?

I'm from the beautiful city of Leeds

How old do you Mickey I'm 36, do you have a day job or is this your full-time job?

I am a part-time primary school teacher

Enjoying your food

Yeah, you've gotta wait

The stage is yours Mickey go for it. Thank you very much Cheers

This is called the absolutely amazing song. Yes

About travelling around Europe. Oh

that rhymes

Like I'm after Paris in a Yaris this next song I

Know this is supposed to be a comedy routine, but I've I've suffered loss recently

So I just want to get this off my chest I am

Joey I'll play the song said I've got a bit emotional talking about it. I

Can't believe I've lost you I

Can't believe you've gone I

Need you to know that

You did nothing wrong

First time I saw you

Just hang in there the checkout lady said you want to buy one of these and I said

You were my

Prize

You cussed almost 10 pence and I only you still try

The other bags I use compared to you wash luck

I always feel that the handle strap is gonna

Happen to you as well

Thank you very much

Well done Mickey Simon, what did you make of that it was silly, but it was fun

I liked the first song in particular Oh Thank You Simon the quick one, but

very very very funny very observational and I was particularly choked up but the beggar

Feliciano it's all for my controller. What was really funny was seeing him and having explained to Simon what bad polite

1981 I got it in the end

You don't need me to tell you how funny I do watch Allah

You are brilliantly brilliantly funny and if you carry on like this I can see even the final of Britain's Got Talent

And I'd love to hear more from you Mickey it's a yes for me

Love you, it's a yes from me my girl

You know what unlike some acts who are kind of like not funny then are funny you are always funny

Even at my expense so you've got a yes

Hello Simon, we really really enjoyed your first audition of all the comedians we had you were the one I remembered now

I know you nervous what's going through your head? Well, you know, just hope the jokes turn out good. The audience likes it

There's four dollars in it for every one of you who laughs

Talia

Vicki I always ask this question million dollars, what would you do with the money?

I'd buy a trailer in Malibu so I could be closer to you

That's a good outside. Okay. Well can't wait to see what's gonna happen next. Good luck. Thank you so much

Thank you so much I got a new outfit do you like it? Thank you feel like it. Thank you

Thank you. I shop local I did I found this at the hospice thrift store of Beverly Hills

Thank you. My daughter is like mom, that'd sound grounds Hospice. Yeah, what if somebody died in it?

At least she died sexy

I mean, I'm kind of clueless, you know, but it seems to me kids today are a little bit entitled. Am I right, right?

Okay

So my daughter turns 16 and she says mom, I want to go to Coachella and I want you to get me a hotel room

Listen to yourself a hotel room. I mean if you can't find a guy who can afford a van by now

When I grew up my mom and her friends, they partied 24/7, you know, they always

Always brought flasks on field trips. Okay, right. So I go on my daughter's first field trip

I take my flask, right?

I'm not gonna get on a bus full of first grader sober not not ever. Okay, I

Take on my flask, you know a little sip

And all the other field trip moms. They just go ballistic. They're like, she's got a flat. She's got a class

You know like I'm some kind of terrorist, right?

Will it calm down beyond?

I'm not driving this bus

But I feel bad few young moms, I wouldn't want to be a young mom today not for anything

The pressure is unbelievable, right? You got to teach your baby to read

Baby sing today what your stupid little baby read?

My baby to read I don't want my baby crawling around going what's past do

Shut up baby your little baby face

Thank you guys for dollars everybody well Vicki

Okay, Olivia first time you saw Vicki. What do you think? I love you so much

You talk the way that like my friends and I talk and

They're so funny. And I just want to say you shut your little baby face gay everybody

Hello

And who and who you I'm Jeff Robinson. I am 33

I'm from North London as what do you do as a day job?

So I'm trying to be a full-time performer, but during the week I work with kids that have special needs

Great

Tell me why he decided to enter Britain's Got Talent

I've wanted to enter for a few years now, but I've always chickens out

But quite a lot has changed for me in the last year

So it was happened Oh fun things like moving house getting divorced, you know good things

What's the axe you're gonna do today, you're gonna be doing some impressions

Okay, well good luck, I'm so nervous it's stupid deep breath deep

Hope names don't get the better up hooks is good

Go single

Good

Simon mrs. O has a fabulous new game

You have to choose between me Katherine Jenkins

Wow, oh you'll be in it

We've got a big food food fight for the club boy. You've gotta

Please wouldn't recognize me boys

Good evening. What's your name? My name is Samuel Jake AMRO. I'm a stand-up comedian

I've been doing comedy for 10 years. Now. Do you do it full-time? Yeah do it full-time

Okay

Are you nervous? No, I I have Tourette syndrome. So I switch the lab

I'm blink real fast my head flops around if you see that it's kind of cute

Thank you

What does this mean to you coming to AGT now this means everything I've worked my entire life for a moment like this

They don't come very often. I'm really grateful

I just had a baby girl and this is a beautiful opportunity Wow, and your family is all supportive of this career

Yes, since I started they've been 100% behind me. So very

Well, you know what it's scary enough doing whatever you do to hit that X and I just want the best for you

I really do. Thanks so much. Go ahead

Thank you

It's like I said, I have Tourette syndrome, it's while my hair flops around I blink real fast it's weird

It always looks like I'm trying to tell you a secret

This twitch gets me in trouble. My roommate came home from work I was like, doh our neighbor died

He said did you kill him like nah

Yo, this is a true story when I was 10 years old my parents sent me to tourettes camp

Yeah, that's where the joke should end

It's a real place and I didn't realize it till this moment

But I found out that when other people twitch it makes me twitch more

So on the first day they put us in a circle with a hundred kids

The kid next to me did a shoulder roll and my Tourette's saw that and took that as a challenge

And I threw him a head flop

The girl next to him did a full body twitch and everybody saw that in all hell broke loose

Kids were rolling on the ground. I was in the corner like why they send us here our

Parents were on top of a hill like all their breakdancing

I'm saying your J camera. Thank you

Hello, my name is Robert

III I just turned 30 11 years ago, so

If it's your job would you have a normal job? Um, I teach tiny little primary school channel to music as well

So I do that which isn't this

Okay best of luck

Alright so um face basically I've written a song

Specifically for for you, which makes me nervous and also I'm slightly nervous because got something called dyslexia

Which is it, which was very good for music because when I was young I taught myself the piano

Although it's not so good as I'm older. I recently tried to book tickets for Rihanna my book tickets for Ryanair. Um,

Thank you, I've got something called Asperger syndrome, which means I'm a genius

No, it's nice to be here I've had a bit of a rough week

I've actually moved into a flat with was my boyfriend your boyfriend gay

And and autistic two ways. I can't think straight and

I

Usually when I do clubs I swear a lot so I've got to be PC

I've done the song which is literally be see because it's about computers and

I have done it three times and each time people have laughed. So if you don't you're wrong, okay?

Thank you George for me working in a computer talk I

Work in the computer shop maker Kabuto bright and clean

So much crumbs and vomit and don't ask what's on the screen

I do half the work juts double the time you would want a job like mine if you would find the things I find

cleaning of Microsoft Windows

David Walliams wanted to update his content reminder. He brought me a massive ring binder, but when I looked all the contacts were from brighter

Webcam was another case. She said the picture

Was too lovely her face was too lovely

Amanda Holden was the only one who's in scrum was on the mark. She said her outfits have so much spunk

I said I'm just jealous. I'll never dress like you because I don't

Simon Cowell's Facebook was round the bend. He brought it to me to try to mend. It wasn't broken. It's just got no

Oh

Oh

Rubber I love you Wow

I mean everything you said was hilarious. You're just a beautiful soul comedy flows from you like water

I lovely had a go at us all I think some people were more hurt than others

Some was just entirely truthful

That's I just can't wait to see what you're gonna do next

We start to finish that was hilariously funny you're a shining star

We're very self-deprecating and I think you have funny bones and the audition was fabulous

Robert you know what you're very unique you very quirky very funny very naughty

Robert

which we like

I'm saying yes rubber white you go for yes to coagulate

Hello, hey Doc, what's your name, please? My name is Preeti Lawson. I love that and how are you?

I'm 25, I turned 26 in two hours

Are you single married? I have a girlfriend you have a girlfriend she's dope. Yeah

and

What do you do for a living? I'm a stand-up comedian, which means I'm unemployed and I do stand-up on the side

All right best of luck, right?

I

Got a motorcycle I don't like telling people

I have a motorcycle coz every time I tell someone they always got to tell me a story

About how the friends crashed on a motorcycle, you know, like why do people have to be so negative?

I don't go up to pregnant women telling them my dad left

So annoying so annoying

I walked at my apartment one time right? I walked in my apartment and my neighbor walked up to me

She's like, oh my god. You got a motorcycle. Are you Cyrus? Are you sorry you better be careful

I got in a car wreck the other day. My car flipped eight times. I'm looking to be laughs bliss

She black by the way

This is like, you know those that is crazy that's your car flip eight times you alive

You are blessed, you know, and now I'm over here thinking who the heck counted right like

Who's that calm when their cars flipping in?

My name is Chris, thank you so much. I appreciate it. How's that?

Feature can I have just one more joke?

Aha

All right. I don't feel safe driving with my grandma because she's really spiritual

She loved the Lord to the point where she's not afraid of dying, so I don't like that. All right, I

Don't like being in the car with someone that's not afraid of death

Okay, like hey, she got that attitude like it's top down going to heaven so I don't battle

I'm like, it doesn't matter cuz I'm gonna talk, okay

This that spiritual my crown is if I got shot in the chest with a gun eight times instead of calling the ambulance

She would get on her knees praying like please Lord Jesus I get these demons

I sign my grandbaby stress block that borders rise up and by the way sperm is chest black mode to do the Ramseys

Is

Leo John 3:16

Hello, my name is Lee and for obvious reasons, I'm also known as the lost voice guy

Okay, and how long have you lost your voice? I?

Just knew you were going to ask something that I hadn't thought about

beforehand

So, please excuse the awkward silence while I type out my answer

I've been speechless for 37 years. Well, tell me why you decide when to the show the ship

I think I entered Britain's Got Talent for the same reason everyone does

to meet Ant & Dec this

Is all going so well up until that point the stage League is yours

Hello ladies and gentlemen as

You may be able to tell I'm a struggling stand-up comedian who also struggles to stand up

To be honest, I'm not sure how good I am

I'll leave that for you to decide

But just so you know if you don't laugh but the disabled guy you are going to help

Well, I realized I'd never be able to talk again I was speechless I

Have lived in Newcastle all my life

Yes, but for some reason I still hadn't picked up the accent. I

Can see that some of you are trying to figure out where you know me from

Maybe it would help if I started saying phrases such as the next train to arrive on

this world

And from my time at the post office, please go to cashier number later I

Got the train here today, I

Always like to sit in those seats for disabled people. I

Was about halfway here when another disabled person got on and asked me to move. I

Didn't realize I'd be playing disabled Top Trumps when I got on or I would have dressed more special

Needless to say I didn't give up my seat

Who cares if he was both blind and deaf I?

Was there first?

It was very awkward. He couldn't see that I was still there and

I couldn't tell him I wasn't moving because I can't speak

Before I leave you I have one more thing to say I

Hate that we have so many

politically correct words to describe

Disabled people now

It's all special needs

special schools

special olympics, I

Don't know. What is so special about me

That is white always alarms me when I hear about special forces going to war

You've been a fantastic audience

Goodbye

Hi

Hi, welcome to America's Got Talent

Thank you. How are you feeling today?

I'm

Okay

Okay, what's your name? And where you from? I'm Oliver graves and I'm from Santa Rosa, California

how do you

I'm 32 and

What are you gonna be doing for us? I am a stand-up comedian

Is that what you do? Yeah

Are you in a relationship or married?

um

No, I'm not I'm single all I think this guy is perfect for you. I

Think we should just that Oliver do what he's gonna do. Okay go for it

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day well not if you're poisoned

Then the antidote becomes the most important meal

I'm trying to find the woman of my dreams, but it's a struggle because I'm an insomniac I

Tried online dating under be people that say must love dogs. I didn't understand why

Like I want to love a person

But it all made sense once I looked at the faces of the people that were saying that

Dating is really hard for me like compatibility wise like like I'm a Virgo so that means

Yeah

That means I'm only compatible with people that are really naive and believe in horoscopes. I

Traded in my car to get my interest rates lowered it worked women are less interested in me. I

Once had my identity stolen

It's okay they gave it right back

Thank you

You're so different you're humble and real and dark is everything that I absolutely love

From the moment, you walked out your visual your your and your cadence and everything and you're smart and you're bright

I think you didn't get the reaction you expected. So you're not used to this for you know, that is that what you're crying. I

Don't get booked in a lot of shows

You know enjoy your free time right now because you are gonna be a busy man

Well, although

We have had

A lot of stand-up comedians this year now when I look back and I try and remember them all they all blur into

one type

apart from you

I'm gonna kick this off with your first. Yes, brother. Thank you

I'm giving you your second. Yes

For years congratulate

I know it's funny. It was funny. I love them. I like the below I

Know I'm not what everything they're saying. I'm not the

It's teacher pillow

Hello hello, hi, you look happy

I'm quite delighted

At what's your name? It's my name is de Lisa de lis search upon that

Amazing Malawi and name Malawi. Yes, so I'm from alive, but I live in Manchester. Why have you come on Britain Scott?

I've come to make the people laugh. I am a comedian. I

Would love the winner of Britain's Got Talent this year to be a comedian. Oh, no pressure no pressure

Who are you here with so I'm here just alone

I my brother no, no he wanted to come he's a doctor and he was like either I should save lives or come with you

Well, your parents disappointed that one of you was a comedian one of you was a doctor they were absolutely horrified because I was studying

Computer programming so I had a future

Okay, excellent

Well, I'm at that age now all my friends are getting married and married people forget how horrible it is being single

They love to call me and complain about their company problems. Always get you're so lucky being single I get home

My wife just starts nagging nag nag nag up. Like I have to nag myself. I

Get home like what time do I call this?

Why don't I ever do the dishes

Sometimes I think I don't appreciate myself

I

Haven't always been a comedian. I did some weird jobs. I used to clean houses and I'll admit I was tempted to steal I

Didn't steal cook the Bible says thou shalt not steal. But nowhere does it say thou shalt not swap?

I took a stereo left a Walkman took a plasma screen left an etch-a-sketch

As I mentioned I am from Africa I moved here ten years ago and immediately I moved here

I heard a lot of British people talking about the

Financial crisis the recession. I'm from Africa. What are you maniacs talking about?

You call that a crisis if that's a crisis. Where's UNICEF?

Where is Bono

I've not seen one save the UK concert

You can tell me it's a financial crisis when their planes flying over Birmingham tossing fish and chips out the window

It will be in a financial crisis when their ads on television

Saying this chap has to walk five miles of there

To get a bottle of wkd blue

And 100% you have got a financial crisis when India starts opening call centres here

Can you imagine some pro guide Mumbai calls Bank ends up talking to a bra me

Thank you so much

Right

I

Just want to say I think you're bloody hilarious

Thank you

self-deprecating funny relevance, I mean laughs after laughs after laughs

It just kept on coming and I really want you to win the entire Syria

I think you have a golden future. I think so buddy. I'm shocked and delighted

My face is hurting from laughing I'm so pleased that a man depressed our golden buzzer

Whew, you are brilliant, and I cannot wait to hear more from you. We're done

You should be a comedy superstar all the jokes were really original and

You are incredibly likeable. I couldn't fault it well done

No need do I think you're an undiscovered all-star I could see you owning your own show

If what you did was so funny and naughty

Unique this is why we make shows like this to find people like you

Oh