Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:08,040
"Jackie Onassis had hidden
the Walther PPK pistol
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in her round hat.
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00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,960
"As the motorcade approached the
Texas Book Depository window,
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00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:18,800
"she knew this was her only chance
to finally murder her husband."
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This is bullshit.
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Bullshit?
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How the hell would he know?
8
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,040
Well, for a start,
her name wasn't Jackie Onassis
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when she was married to Kennedy.
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It was Jackie Kennedy!
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Oh! So, he's a historian
as well as a shitty actor!
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00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:39,720
OK, but did you know she was having
an affair with Onassis at the time?
13
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No, she wasn't!
14
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She didn't meet Onassis until
many years later.
15
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Come on, you got to help me
out with this guy.
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Clem Fandango!
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What do you think?
Do I need this shit?
18
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,760
Yeah, and who told you Jackie
Kennedy assassinated her husband?
19
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,720
Who told me? A few guys told me.
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A couple of guys who were there.
21
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But more importantly,
Arnold Schwarzenegger!
22
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,680
What?!
23
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,320
So, he was there, too, was he?
24
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,680
No, he wasn't there, you asshole!
25
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He was married to the Kennedys!
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Which one? All of them?
27
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All right, you... You know what?
28
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,560
Maybe we should crack on, guys?
29
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,880
You know, hell of a lot
to get through.
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Hi, Sola, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
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Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
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What do you...
what do you want?
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Nothing. I was just making
sure you can hear me.
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Look, do we have to use
this Toast guy?
35
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,440
His attitude stinks,
he sounds like George Lazenby,
36
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he's not professional at all,
his delivery is terrible.
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And don't get me started
on his hair..
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VOLUME DECREASES
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SOLA INAUDIBLE
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What, is he saying something?
Sorry, I've lost Sola's sound.
41
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,320
Maybe we should continue with me
just reading the book?
42
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,480
OK, Steven, maybe...
maybe we do that.
43
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Yeah.
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Yeah, we've got another 95,000 words
to get through, Steven.
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OK.
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"She thought of her
millionaire Greek lover
47
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"and of her philandering
presidential husband.
48
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:09,200
"Soon she would be free of Jack
and enjoying the high life
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"on one of Onassis's luxury yachts."
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This is so great, Jennifyer.
51
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Can I just ask a question,
Mr Chickentoss?
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Call me Richard. Go ahead.
53
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,560
Isn't this more like the kind of
thing a hospital visitor would do
54
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,720
rather than a doctor?
55
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,440
That is such a great question.
56
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,120
But, occasionally, a doctor may
place a vase beside a patient
57
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,280
to make them feel more comfortable
58
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,400
before giving them some
terrible news.
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TOAST SCOFFS
Oh, right.
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00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,880
OK, I get it.
No, they wouldn't...
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00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,200
OK. So, everybody,
grab your stethoscopes
62
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from beneath your chairs.
63
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,800
David, you want to try this?
64
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,800
Just place the stethoscope
around your neck
65
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and look concerned.
66
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OK.
67
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,640
Uh... Steven, we've not
seen much from you today.
68
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,680
Would you like to try that?
69
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,800
Yeah...
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00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,360
Wow.
71
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,680
That's very, very good, Steven.
72
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,360
Have you played a doctor before?
73
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,200
No. Uh, well, I...
74
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,480
..played a vet in an episode
of The Archers for Radio 4,
75
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,400
but I think they lost the tapes.
76
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,080
I see.
77
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,440
Now, could you try listening?
78
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,560
Yeah.
79
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,640
OK, listening is very important
in doctor acting.
80
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,880
Imagine that a patient
is telling you
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his or her terrible symptoms.
82
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,160
Oh...!
83
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It's very obvious to me that
you've played doctors before.
84
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,360
It's so obvious.
85
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I haven't.
86
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Follow that!
87
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,480
OK, everyone, that's all for today.
88
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,200
We'll see you tomorrow,
except for Steven.
89
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,160
Honestly...
90
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,960
..I have nothing more to teach you.
91
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,560
Good Lord.
92
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,120
Hi, uh, Steven.
93
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,880
I've been doing doctor acting
classes for ten years,
94
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:51,040
and I have never seen anything
like what you did today.
95
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,360
Really?
96
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,240
I mean, that was nothing.
97
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,640
I'm actually here in the States
because I'm playing the lead role
98
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,720
in the new Star Wars movie.
99
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,800
Yeah, sure(!)
100
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,400
What?
101
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,200
Are you playing Dr Spock?
102
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,640
Doctor who?
103
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,280
Oh, Doctor Who.
104
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:11,360
I don't think anyone watches
that over here any more.
105
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,840
Anyway, would you mind...?
106
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,240
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you a question.
107
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,160
You're an actor. Right.
108
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,840
How do you cry on camera?
109
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,200
Well, it's a good question.
110
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,920
Mostly applies to straight actors,
and by "straight" I'm not referring
111
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to their sexual orientation.
112
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I mean serious dramatic actors.
113
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Actors who cannot do comedy.
114
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Your not funny, so how do you do it?
115
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,840
Well...
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00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,720
..I just focus on a spot
in the distance,
117
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I think about snakes, monsters,
aliens - all under my bed -
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and when that thought gets
too much, I cry.
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Puta de madre!
120
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Hay un hombre ahi abajo...
121
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,160
Some guy blocking
the entrance where?
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Show me.
123
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,760
Hey!
124
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,280
Get out of there!
125
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,280
You're blocking the entrance
to my building!
126
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,520
What's happening?
127
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,200
Some homeless guy and his mattress
128
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,000
right in front of the
doorway down there.
129
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,440
You believe that shit?!
130
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LIQUID FILLING VASE
131
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Ugh...
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HE LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY
133
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,840
How about that, buddy?
134
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,680
Ah...! You like that?
135
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,800
Huh? Argh!
136
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,040
Yo conozco ese hombre.
137
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,560
Si...
138
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,720
No es tu papa?
139
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,560
Was that man out there your father?
140
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,040
Yeah! So what?!
141
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,760
Haven't seen him in 40 years,
since I was five.
142
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,960
Did he leave home
when you were five?
143
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,440
I left home when I was five.
144
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:09,880
I had enough of those assholes.
145
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,200
Fuck...
146
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,960
Was that really his father?
147
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,120
Can I just start by saying
Mark Ruffalo absolutely
148
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,800
loved your audition. What?
149
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,120
He said he follows you on the
Twitter and the Instagram,
150
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,120
which is where he noticed your tweet
announcing your donation
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00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,480
to his Climate Solutions Project.
152
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,720
How many people retweeted that?
Was it two million?
153
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,720
You're getting me confused
with another actor!
154
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,680
Oh, yeah.
155
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,520
I'm Steven Toast.
156
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,200
Ah, shit, so you are, yeah.
157
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,280
I'm getting confused.
158
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,680
It's been a busy morning.
159
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,560
Do you know anyone in LA
with a spare room?
160
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,160
I need to move out.
161
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,880
Russ Nightlife is
driving me crackers.
162
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,040
You want to move out,
you need cash, buddy.
163
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,960
Everybody knows there's money
in playing doctors.
164
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,960
Who knew you'd be such
a goddamn natural?
165
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,560
You sure impressed the hell out
of Richard Chickentoss.
166
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,560
I didn't do anything. I don't know
what all the fuss is about.
167
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,240
Oh, we have to strike while
the iron's red hot, baby!
168
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,160
You know a Bellender Bojangles?
169
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,840
Belinda Bojangles?
170
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,520
No, BELLENDER Bojangles.
171
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,560
B-E-L-L-E-N-D-E-R.
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00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,160
Unusual name.
173
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,560
Though, we are in the US of A.
174
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,000
She's producing a new TV show
set in a hospital,
175
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,960
it's the latest vehicle for Carmen.
176
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,000
You've heard of Carmen, right? No.
177
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,640
The audition is tomorrow.
178
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,320
I'm going to call Bellender now.
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NUMBERS DIAL
180
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,320
CAR HORNS BEEP
Brooke! That car!
181
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,480
TYRES SCREECHING
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Bell.
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00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,840
Sure.
184
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,600
BROOKE GUFFAWS NASALLY
185
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,280
Steven! Hi!
186
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,040
My name's Hoop Kaaak -
187
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,080
that's Kaaak with three As -
director of the show.
188
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,520
Bellender's a little late,
but, you know, that's all right.
189
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,920
We can get to know each other
a little bit. Steven!
190
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,720
I'm Bellender Bojangles.
I'm sorry I'm late.
191
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,960
Brooke has told me all about you.
192
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,600
I am so excited to meet you.
193
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,440
This is so super exciting.
194
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,640
Bellender, I love your shoes.
195
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,840
Oh, thank you.
196
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,280
They're the latest thing.
197
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,560
They're based on the horseshoes,
which are actually nailed
198
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,200
on to your foot,
so they're a perfect fit.
199
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,920
It's only very minor surgery, so...
200
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,560
Mm, they're great.
201
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:33,720
Hugs all round.
202
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,160
THEY CHUCKLE
203
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,360
Oh!
204
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,360
What do we like here, Hoop?
Hugs and smiles!
205
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,640
And what do we do here, Hoop?
206
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,880
BOTH: We love entertaining people
and we love making TV shows.
207
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,440
Do you want in, Steven?
208
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,560
Uh... I'm good, thanks.
209
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,000
OK.
210
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,400
I hear you just completed
the doctor acting class
211
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,160
with Rich Chickentoss.
212
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,600
How'd that go for you?
213
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,320
We heard you kicked ass.
214
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,960
I didn't really do anything.
215
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,520
You are being humble, Steven.
We don't do humble in this town.
216
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,000
Well, actually, the real reason
why I am in this town
217
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,680
is cos I'm starring in
the new Star Wars movie.
218
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,920
Yeah, sure.
219
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,160
Sorry?
220
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,040
Would you like to have a read
of some of the script?
221
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,520
I'll find us some hard copies.
222
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,760
Uh, let me just stop you there,
Hoop, if you don't mind.
223
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:23,000
Steven, would you be OK with
improvising a little?
224
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,080
What?
225
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,560
I was thinking, you could just say
some general doctor things.
226
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,080
You know, anything you like.
227
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,480
As long as they're doctor related.
228
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,840
Uh...
229
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,960
One more thing, Mrs Wisehunt.
230
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,280
Now, I've just seen your X-rays,
231
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,080
and you have six months to live.
232
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,040
Something else.
233
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,960
Are you unwell, Captain?
234
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,480
AWED: Oh, that's very good.
235
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:51,600
Really?
236
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,080
This is amazing. Keep going.
237
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,120
You try any more shit like that,
Mrs Greenflash,
238
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,120
and I'll have to take
your temperature.
239
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,720
Oh...!
240
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,480
Mother, you've got gout.
241
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,000
Probably due to the amount of whisky
and cigars you consume!
242
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,200
THEY CLAP HANDS
243
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,880
That's so good.
244
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,200
Thank you.
245
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,720
May I ask, to be this good,
I'm presuming you've worked
246
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,560
as an actual doctor, right?
247
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:15,800
No.
248
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,320
I once played a vet on an episode
of The Archers on Radio 4,
249
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,480
but I think they lost the tapes.
250
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,960
It is uncanny.
251
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,000
I loved how you worked out that not
only that your mother had gout,
252
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,240
but also how she got it.
253
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,440
Genius. Well, thank you.
254
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,560
You know, my own doctor was
just fired for having sex
255
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,160
with his colleague's twin sisters.
256
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,760
Really?
257
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,360
Some guys have all the luck.
258
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,800
TOAST CHORTLES
259
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,160
I'm sorry.
260
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,840
THEY LAUGH
261
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,520
TOAST LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
262
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,000
Yes...
263
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,200
Gina, would you tell everybody
coming in later to audition
264
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,120
for the Doctor Grainger part
not to bother?
265
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,760
Ooh, that's good.
266
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,760
I'm presuming you're new to LA,
Steven? Where are you staying?
267
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,280
I'm staying with a friend.
Well, he's not really a friend.
268
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,320
If I'm honest,
I'm desperate to get out.
269
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,360
Well, I think you may be in luck.
270
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,840
I have a great place here
in Beverly Hills,
271
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,240
but I recently moved out
to Santa Monica.
272
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,080
Why don't you stay in my
Beverly Hills apartment?
273
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,120
Really?
274
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,160
It's a fantastic penthouse.
275
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,440
Here, I'll give you the key now.
276
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:18,880
Thank you.
277
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,080
You can stay there as long as
you want, rent-free obviously.
278
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,840
It's having a multi-million-dollar
refurb at the moment.
279
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,280
But as soon as that's completed,
it's all yours, Steven.
280
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:29,880
Should only be a couple of weeks.
281
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,280
Sounds splendid.
282
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,480
Welcome aboard, Steven!
283
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,760
TOAST EXCLAIMS
284
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,920
My God, you are going to have such
fantastic chemistry with Carmen.
285
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,880
She's in such a great place
right now.
286
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,960
Remarried for the fifth time to
Rodrigos, who we all love dearly.
287
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,880
You guys are going to be
great together.
288
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,320
I'm so super excited to start!
289
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,520
Hot damn!
290
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,720
Thrust?
291
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,920
Steven.
292
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,080
You're here?
293
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,560
I've been here for three hours.
294
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,160
Ah, shoot! No-one told you?
295
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,360
No.
296
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,720
Oh. Sorry, Steven.
297
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,680
You see, Carmen is always
three hours late.
298
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,520
So, if we say nine o'clock,
we know she'll turn up at 12:00.
299
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,240
I'm so sorry,
someone should have told you.
300
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,760
Hayley.
301
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,840
Why did you forget to tell Mr Toast
not to turn up till 12:00?
302
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,240
Erm...
303
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,520
I don't think I was...
304
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,320
OK, Hayley.
305
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,360
Now I look like a douchebag
in front of our actor.
306
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,640
So one of us has to leave
the company.
307
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:11,920
Jesus, that's harsh.
308
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,360
My apologies, Steven.
309
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:14,880
That obviously won't happen again.
310
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,680
LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS
311
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,520
Come on, boys!
312
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,560
Come closer.
313
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,720
You know what turns me on!
314
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,880
♪ So, take your time
Take it slowly
315
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,200
♪ Drink some wine
It is lovely
316
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,480
♪ Let's make love
Nice and sexy
317
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,880
♪ Let's make sex
Nice and naughty
318
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,160
♪ Fuck these bitches
319
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,080
♪ Fuck 'em in the ass
on my private jet... ♪
320
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,600
What?
You're economy class
321
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,360
♪ Suck my titties
I'll smoke your grass... ♪
322
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,560
Jesus.
323
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,440
♪ Losing your mind when
you're eating this ass... ♪
324
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,320
Good God!
325
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,840
♪ When you're eating this ass!
326
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,640
♪ Eating this ass. ♪
327
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,600
CHEERING
Hello, everybody! Hola!
328
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,800
Hello!
329
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,840
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
330
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,600
So, Hoop, you want to tell everyone
a little bit about the show?
331
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,320
Yes. I'm Hoop Kaaak -
332
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,880
that's Kaaak with three As -
the director of our show.
333
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,000
It's called The Hospital,
334
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,400
and it's about a hospital in
New York for sick children,
335
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,760
which is run by a very conscientious
doctor, called Doctor Grainger,
336
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,560
who will be played by Steven...
337
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,240
Steven, uh...?
338
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,200
Toast. Toast.
339
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,280
The hospital has no money,
so the owners are forced to sell
340
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,640
to a glamorous, rich entrepreneur,
called Trace Willoughby,
341
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,440
who is also a super bitch,
342
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,880
played by the extraordinary Carmen,
343
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,280
who, quite frankly, is no stranger
to playing super bitches!
344
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,240
I am a super bitch!
345
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,880
Boo! Boo!
346
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,440
You love it. You love it!
347
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,000
You want it!
348
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,360
Boo!
349
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,840
Trace immediately plans
to knock down the hospital
350
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,280
due to its value as prime
real estate.
351
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,320
But can Doctor Grainger stop her
and save the sick children?
352
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,760
Ooh!
353
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,400
TOAST LAUGHS HALF-HEARTEDLY
354
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,920
OK, let's start.
355
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,920
Scene one. Interior hospital. Day.
356
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,960
Splendid.
357
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,000
Well, I don't see why we can't
get in touch with your mother
358
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,040
and she'll pick you up
and home you go.
359
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,680
Would you like that?
360
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,800
Excellent.
361
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,480
Doctor Grainger.
362
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,360
You have until next Tuesday to
get rid of these sick children
363
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,080
and find somewhere else to live.
364
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,040
You won't get away with this,
Trace Willoughby.
365
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,200
I'll fight you every step of
the way, you heartless witch.
366
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,440
And I know how your husband died.
367
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:36,200
Ha! Conrad died of natural causes!
368
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:40,160
How can an axe to the back of the
head be described as natural causes?
369
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,240
I have one thing to say to you,
Doctor Grainger.
370
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,760
What?
371
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,040
♪ Fuck these bitches
372
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,840
♪ Fuck 'em in the ass
on my private jet
373
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,200
♪ You're economy class
374
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,520
♪ Suck my titties
I smoke your grass
375
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,320
♪ You'll be losing your mind
when you're eating this ass... ♪
376
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,480
Why does she have to sing a song
in every bloody episode?
377
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,880
It's supposed to be a serious drama.
378
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,560
Cos she's a singer, not an actress.
379
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,360
She's not even Brazilian.
380
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,880
She's Irish.
381
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,760
Well, then, why not hire
a non-singing actress?
382
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,800
Like every other hospital show.
383
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,440
Wait here, Toast.
384
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,920
I got to get my painkillers
out of the trunk.
385
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,360
Right.
386
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,800
Oh...!
387
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,800
Ooh...! Hey, man.
388
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,920
I don't have any money and...
389
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,600
..my mother will be back soon.
390
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,480
Jesus Christ!
391
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,040
Ha! He talks real funny.
392
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,160
Is he from the olden times?
393
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,720
Ew!
394
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,280
Look at all these creepy photos!
395
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,920
See you around, brother.
396
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,920
Must have left them on
the gas station counter.
397
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,840
Goddamn it!
398
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,040
So, first show goes out tonight.
399
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,360
You excited?
400
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:03,640
Yeah.
401
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,240
Ah, give it a couple of weeks,
people start kissing your ass
402
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,160
when you they see you,
you'll know it's a hit!
403
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,840
♪ Ray... ♪
404
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,000
Good grief. Surely not.
405
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,960
♪ Ray... ♪
406
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,440
Oh...!
407
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,360
♪ Ah! ♪
408
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,680
Hey, Carmen.
409
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,560
What about those sick kids?
410
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,400
You're one shitty lady.
411
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,800
I don't care what
you assholes think.
412
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,160
Why don't you go fuck yourselves?
413
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,880
Such language!
414
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,640
Not to mention,
those poor sick children.
415
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,240
Who cares? I can get a billion
dollars for that old building.
416
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,240
How do you like that,
you weasel-faced witch?
417
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,560
But we all love you,
Doctor Grainger.
418
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,560
You're my favourite
on the show.
419
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,560
I'm not really Doctor Grainger.
420
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,640
It's a part.
Play along, Toast.
421
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,360
They love it.
422
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,760
Hey, you two! Oh, yes!
423
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,120
Mwah!
424
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,360
Mm!
425
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,120
Oh, God, I love hugging people!
426
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,960
Yes, you do.
427
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,360
So, the show is a huge success.
428
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,240
Are you two getting great feedback?
429
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,240
Everyone loves a super bitch!
430
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,760
And I hear they love you,
too, Steven.
431
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,240
Well, it's not me, is it?
It's the character.
432
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,160
I've been wondering something,
Steven, what is the whole story
433
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,520
behind the, uh...
you know, the white?
434
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,040
I fell out of a tree,
435
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,640
like the Olympic swimmer,
Duncan Goodhew.
436
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,200
OK, listen to this.
437
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:44,600
I got a letter from a couple who
really love the show, uber fans,
438
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:49,880
but not only is the guy's mother a
crazy super-duper fan of the show...
439
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,120
..but especially of you,
Steven Toast.
440
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,760
Really?
441
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,800
PHONE RINGS
Oh, I got to get this.
442
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,360
It's Rodrigos.
443
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:00,120
They have a small request.
444
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,800
Would you go and visit his mother
in hospital?
445
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,640
She has not been well lately.
446
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:09,160
Are you serious? Doctor Grainger
in an actual hospital?
447
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,240
It'll be great publicity
for the show.
448
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,680
Rodrigos is gay!
449
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:15,840
I'm sorry?
450
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,880
Rodrigos is gay!
451
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,800
He just told me!
452
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,560
I am distraught!
453
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,480
I can't live with him any more!
454
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,080
Can I stay in your Beverly Hills
place, please?
455
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,720
Of course.
456
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,680
No...
CARMEN SOBS
457
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,240
Steven, have you got the key
to my apartment in Beverly Hills?
458
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,880
You haven't moved in yet, have you?
459
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,520
Well, I was planning on
moving in today.
460
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,520
I packed all my belongings
this morning.
461
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,800
Is the key in your apartment?
462
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,760
I think Carmen needs the place
a bit more than you.
463
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,000
I mean, look at her.
464
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,320
He's gay!
465
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,840
We need that key. Oh...!
466
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,200
He has a boyfriend called Carlos!
467
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,560
They've been fucking for six months!
468
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:53,840
Toast!
469
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,000
Your stuff is still here.
I thought you were moving out!
470
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,320
CARMEN SOBBING
471
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,760
Who the hell are these two?!
472
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,280
You can't bring people here!
473
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:01,840
No-one should know where I am!
474
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,200
Yeah, this is Carmen,
the pop legend.
475
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,160
How can you not know it's me?!
476
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,600
And this is Bell...
I'm Bellender Bojangles.
477
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,120
I like to hug people
when I meet them.
478
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,440
No, no, no. Oh, come on.
479
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,560
No, no, no.
480
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,760
No, no, no, he doesn't like
close personal contact.
481
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,000
I say, Russ, you've trodden
on her scarf.
482
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,640
Let me help with that.
483
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,400
Whoa!
484
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,600
Shit!
485
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,120
RUSS SCREAMS
486
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,320
Oh!
487
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,120
Oh. That's lucky.
488
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,880
He landed on a soiled mattress.
489
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,000
Who is that old homeless man?
490
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,800
MAN: I don't believe it. My boy!
491
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,240
RUSS: Not now, Dad. Just get off!
492
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,120
That's his father.
493
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,640
Get off!
494
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,720
Don't hug him! He doesn't like
close personal contact!
495
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,960
MONITOR BEEPING
496
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,840
Hey, Ma?
497
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:54,280
This here's Steven Toast.
498
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,520
You remember,
you wrote him a letter?
499
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,040
She's a lot older than I expected.
500
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,920
She's 93.
501
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,640
She's been in and out of hospital
constantly for the past, like,
502
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,440
what, 25 years.
She fell down her steps last week.
503
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,360
Now she's completely fucked.
Look at her.
504
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,880
We've had to visit her a lot.
505
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,160
I mean a lot. Way too much.
506
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,480
We're from New York, so it's
a flight over here to see her.
507
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,440
It's a pain in the ass
is what it is.
508
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,280
Yeah, but I imagine she can't help
being ill.
509
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,280
Oh, yeah, right. OK, Steven!
510
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,800
Anyways, no point in hanging around.
511
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,640
The knob is there.
512
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,760
All you got to do is turn it to
the right, and it'll all be over.
513
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,000
What?!
514
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,160
It was her last request.
What was?
515
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000
For you to turn off her
life-support machine!
516
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,280
It was her dying wish!
517
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,880
Hey, look, time's tight here, honey.
We got a plane to catch back home,
518
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,480
for the dogs,
you know what I'm saying?
519
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,160
Hang on. What do the doctors
think of this?
520
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,480
Oh...!
521
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,160
My mother hates the doctors, OK?
522
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,960
She could give two shits
what they think.
523
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,360
She didn't want a doctor doing it.
524
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,000
She asked for you.
525
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,400
She loves that show you're in!
526
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,080
MUFFLED: Don't do it...
527
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,960
She just said something. No...
528
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,120
I heard nothing. You hear
something? I heard nothing.
529
00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:59,320
No, nothing.
530
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,160
This is some dark shit.
531
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,920
I shouldn't even be here.
What...?
532
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,280
Steven! Steven, where you going?!
533
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:06,920
You come back here!
534
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:13,680
Yeah, sure, it's odd,
but the main thing is,
535
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,640
the show is a big success.
536
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:17,800
Yes, it is.
537
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,880
Maybe I should ask Bellender
for a pay rise.
538
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,920
Well, they signed you up
for two seasons,
539
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,200
we agreed the same fee for both.
540
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,280
You want more dollars,
she'll have to change the contract.
541
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,040
Yeah, I can be pretty persuasive
when I try.
542
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,640
Let me have a word with her.
543
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,320
Why are you dressed like a clown?
544
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,560
I'm celebrating. I'm a star now.
545
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,320
You said yourself,
people love my character.
546
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,960
Yes, of course they do, Steven!
547
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,280
It's no secret that Carmen gets paid
a hell of a lot more than I do,
548
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,720
and she's staying in
your fancy mansion.
549
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,360
I'm sorry, the contract
is legally binding,
550
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,080
and there's not a thing
I can do about it.
551
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,440
Bloody irritating.
552
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,600
Come on. Give me a hug.
553
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,120
No, no, I'm not going to fall
for that hug bullshit.
554
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:04,400
Come on.
555
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,480
Oh, you big bear of a man.
556
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,480
The show is a success.
557
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,160
What more could you want?
558
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:16,080
Oh. There is another issue
I'd like to talk about.
559
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,640
What issue?
560
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,160
There is a chance...
you may be arrested for murder.
561
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,680
What?!
562
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,880
That family who contacted you,
563
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,840
did you turn off their mother's
life-support machine?
564
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,600
No, I bloody did not!
565
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,720
Well, she's dead now, so somebody
did, without a doctor present,
566
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,560
which kind of makes it
a criminal matter.
567
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,640
The family did it, they couldn't
wait to get rid of her.
568
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:41,920
They say you did it.
569
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,640
No, they asked me to do it.
570
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,120
Poor old girl hadn't even
seen the show.
571
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:50,440
If you were charged with murder,
it would reflect badly on the show.
572
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:51,960
Not necessarily.
573
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,080
The LAPD are looking into it.
574
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,240
They say that there is footage
of you fleeing the building.
575
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,120
Yeah, I was trying to
get away from them.
576
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,720
I wouldn't mind, Steven.
577
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,040
But you're Doctor Grainger.
578
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:04,920
You're supposed to be the good guy.
579
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,400
I am the good guy.
580
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,760
Would you stop looking dubious?
581
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,240
Anyway, you can't fire me,
I'm contracted for a second series.
582
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,840
And as you said yourself,
it's legally binding.
583
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,600
PHONE RINGS
584
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,680
Carmen!
585
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,160
SHE MOUTHS INAUDIBLY
586
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,480
You're three hours late, Steven.
587
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,680
Yeah, but I thought...
588
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,520
Since Rodrigos has left,
now I am always on time.
589
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,200
OK, we've waited long enough.
Let's start.
590
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,400
Scene one. Interior hospital. Night.
591
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:02,080
We see Trace Willoughby alone
in the ward. It is late.
592
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,360
Doctor Grainger enters.
593
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,000
You wanted to see me, Mrs
Willoughby? If it's about...
594
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,400
Trace Willoughby stabs
Doctor Grainger with a knife.
595
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:13,000
He falls in a cowardly manner
to the floor.
596
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,840
He lies there motionless,
597
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,240
like a piece of shit.
598
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,880
He's dead.
599
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,240
Very dead.
600
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,400
What?
601
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:23,720
Scene two.
602
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,120
Trace is with her attractive
younger lover, Jim Buckstar,
603
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,480
played by Sonny-Sam Disco.
604
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,160
APPLAUSE AROUND ROOM
605
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,080
Thank God that dog-faced
limey weasel
606
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,960
is finally out of the
picture, darling.
607
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,600
Here's to us, baby.
608
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,520
I have big plans for making
millions of dollars
609
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,880
by selling the hospital!
610
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,240
I know you do.
611
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,600
It's part of a long-term plan
for world domination.
612
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:01,560
Can you imagine, the whole
Trace Willoughby phenomenon
613
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,600
bigger than we've ever dreamed of.
614
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,360
I think I'd like an apartment
in Paris...
615
00:27:07,410 --> 00:27:11,960
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