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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,960
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
2
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,520
Any second now.
You a JFK fan, Steven?
3
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,440
You have any strong opinions
about his assassination? No.
4
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,680
Though I do know, due to
the actions of one skinny loser,
5
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:19,280
I'm here yet again voicing another
bullshit conspiracy theory.
6
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,680
{\an8}Well, according to this
Mirrornek guy, it was his wife.
7
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,200
I couldn't give two fucks.
8
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,640
How many words is this?
9
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,040
Hello, Steven, this is
Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
10
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,920
How many words, Clem Fandango?
11
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,560
About 100,000 words.
12
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,080
Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.
13
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,800
He's very angry today. Yeah.
14
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,320
What's with this laptop?
15
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,040
He's not going to join us, is he?
Is he?
16
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,360
Sorry to interrupt, Steven,
Sola Mirrornek is about
17
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,760
to join us from Dallas. Why?
18
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,600
Just wants to keep an eye on things.
19
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,000
He's going to appear
on the laptop in front of you.
20
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,200
He should be there now. Yes.
21
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,360
Steven Toast, meet Sola.
Yeah, hello.
22
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,840
What? Hello, Sola, this is
Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
23
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,320
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
24
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,160
Brilliant. Let's start.
25
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,440
In your own time, Steven.
26
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,760
The...
27
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,320
All right, hold it, hold it.
28
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,800
I just need to stop you there.
No problem. What is it, Sola?
29
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,800
Did he say "duh"?
30
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,200
No, he didn't. He said "the".
31
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,200
Huh. Sounded to me like duh.
32
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,440
I don't know,
maybe it's his English accent.
33
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,160
And can I also say, just for the
record, the idea of an English actor
34
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,400
reading this came from my publisher,
not from me.
35
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,960
I need to make that totally clear,
I hated the idea.
36
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:34,960
OK, still rolling.
37
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,800
The idea... You know what?
38
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,120
Now that I hear it,
I'm not so sure.
39
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,880
I never really liked that first
sentence, I might do a...
40
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,160
I might do a quick rewrite.
41
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:52,720
WHISPERING: This is bullshit.
42
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,080
I lost my train of thought.
43
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:57,800
Forget it, forget it.
44
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,080
It's probably OK as it is,
keep going.
45
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,120
Action.
46
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,240
The idea that John F Kennedy...
OK, OK, OK.
47
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,920
Alarm bells.
48
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,520
There's a touch of cynicism in his
voice. You guys hear that too?
49
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,520
WHISPERING: Cynicism?
And another thing,
50
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,600
I heard what you said about Oswald
being a lone assassin.
51
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,760
Only an asshole would believe that!
52
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,880
So, if you don't mind, I'd rather
you kept your personal prejudices
53
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,200
to yourself, you got that?
54
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,560
OK, Steven,
you want to make a note of that?
55
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,280
Yeah, I'll make a note of that.
56
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,680
The idea that John F Kennedy was
killed by a single assassin
57
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,720
is not only an impossibility,
it's also bullshit.
58
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,360
Wait a second, wait a second -
59
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,760
are you serious,
is this guy a real actor?
60
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,080
WOMAN SOBS
61
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,080
There, there.
62
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,720
I should hate him.
63
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,960
But actually, I miss him terribly!
64
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,360
Have another tissue, Sue.
65
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,000
Won't you run out?
66
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,480
I always have lots of tissues
for distressed clients.
67
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,880
What's the matter with her?
68
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:46,800
Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins,
she's just joined the agency.
69
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,360
Why is she weeping?
Her husband left her.
70
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,600
What, today? Six weeks ago.
71
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,080
Six weeks ago?
Are you fucking kidding? Is that it?
72
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,120
You could have got
remarried in that time.
73
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,560
To be honest, I'm not surprised
your husband left you
74
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,800
with all this blubbering.
75
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,720
Shut up, Toast.
76
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,040
Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!
77
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,600
Sorry, Sue.
78
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,080
Really, Toast!
79
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:13,360
Why are you so angry all the time?
80
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,800
What do you want, Jane?
81
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,080
I have tremendous news.
82
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:21,440
I finally heard back
from the Sam Mendes people. Who?
83
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,400
Sam Mendes, famous film director.
84
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,760
And?
85
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,920
I'm afraid you didn't get the part
of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.
86
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,480
That audition was 15 years ago,
Jane.
87
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,520
But I've had another enquiry
about you -
88
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,480
more reality TV,
could be a money-spinner.
89
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,800
Never again. Why not?
90
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,320
UP-TEMPO BALLROOM MUSIC
91
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,560
SICKENING CRUNCH
Shit.
92
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,400
AUDIENCE GASPS
Broken neck.
93
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,000
AUDIENCE SCREAMS
94
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,800
OFF-AIR BLEEP
95
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,760
Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.
96
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,840
Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.
97
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:09,280
What kind of dancing show would it
be without any dancing on it?
98
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,040
I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not
sure why it's called Come Dancing.
99
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,080
Hopefully it's nothing to do with
the Strictly curse, what?
100
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,400
May I remind you, Toast,
101
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,520
that the cash you earned from
Strictly prevented you
102
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,280
from gripping the oak and spending
two years at Her Majesty's,
103
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,960
and what thanks do I get?
104
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,280
Do you know what you are, Toast?
105
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,160
You're a BLEEP.
SEISMIC BLAST
106
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,720
Jane!
107
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,120
No other word for it, I'm afraid.
108
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,280
PHONE RINGS
109
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,400
Yes?
110
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Great!
111
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,000
Brilliant news!
112
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,560
I didn't want to say anything
until it'd been confirmed,
113
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,520
and now it has been. What has?
114
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,240
Do you remember a man telling you
115
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,720
to keep your voice down
in Tesco's last week?
116
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,240
Yes, some soppy Yank carrying
a small dog.
117
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,560
That soppy yank, as you call him,
was Neil Doubledecker,
118
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,520
who happens to be a top Hollywood
producer. Who cares?
119
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,520
All these British actors obsessed
with working in America.
120
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,240
If you're in a shit show,
it doesn't matter where you film it,
121
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,160
you may as well be in your own bed.
122
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:14,760
Neil Doubledecker is interested in
you for a role in his new movie.
123
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,360
Oh, right. So when can I meet
this Doubledecker?
124
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,840
"DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're
absolutely brilliant.
125
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,640
I showed him your showreel, he was
literally bowled over. Fantastic.
126
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,160
He thinks you're the best actor
he's ever seen anywhere,
127
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,920
and that if you were to
appear in one of his films,
128
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:35,240
you could almost certainly win
a Critics' Choice Award.
129
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,440
Well, that sounds great.
It does, doesn't it?
130
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,560
It's utterly marvellous!
Your big break at last, Toast.
131
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,520
At last! Yeah!
132
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,960
There is, however,
one small obstacle in the way,
133
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,640
there's another actor who
Doubledecker thinks is
134
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,920
equally as good as you.
135
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:52,560
In fact, he thinks this actor may be
slightly better. Ugh, no.
136
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:56,160
He has to choose between you and...
137
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,760
SINISTER SYNTH BUILDS
138
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:00,960
Who?!
139
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,840
SYNTH INTENSIFIES
140
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,080
HE MOUTHS
141
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,760
Ray bloody Purchase?!
142
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,400
Never mind.
Let's assume you'll get the gig.
143
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,400
This could actually be an opportune
time for you
144
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,000
to depart to the US of A.
145
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,640
Talking of Americans,
146
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,840
how did you get on with that author,
Sola Mirrornek?
147
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,760
I'll tell you how I got on with him,
148
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,320
that bastard had the audacity to ask
whether I was a professional actor.
149
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,000
Well, are you? What?!
150
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,280
Look, Toast,
it's between you and Purchase.
151
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,040
You'd better make sure you do
a brilliant audition.
152
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,480
Audition?!
153
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:27,600
He is terribly, terribly angry,
all the time.
154
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,520
Yes, Jane,
he really is terribly angry.
155
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,000
Maybe we should organise some
kind of intervention?
156
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,800
I'm actually thinking I may
send him to a doctor.
157
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,120
INTERCOM BUZZES
158
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,800
Yes, India?
Toast's on his way up. Ugh.
159
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,000
He's here, Ed. Better hang up.
160
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,680
Ah, Toast.
161
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:54,000
Look, Toast, I'll come straight
to the point - do you think,
162
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:59,200
both as an actor and a human
being, you've turned into an angry
163
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,240
and unreasonable piece of shit?
164
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,600
That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?
165
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:08,200
Your language really has become
increasingly fruity.
166
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,080
I'm no more angry than
I've ever been.
167
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,960
Several people have mentioned it.
168
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,200
Like who? Idris Elba.
169
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,440
Who?
170
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,080
Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.
171
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:22,160
And there's an article about
it in The Stage.
172
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,200
Luckily, it's The Stage
and only actors read that,
173
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,680
in the way that only gardeners
read The Garden.
174
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,360
The Guardian.
175
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,240
No, The Garden, gardening magazine.
176
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,200
Look, Toast, I've been thinking,
177
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,600
I really think
you need to see a doctor.
178
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,840
I don't trust doctors.
179
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,200
Last time I had a bad back,
he told me to join a choir. He what?
180
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,520
The doctor told me
I should go to choir practicer.
181
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,720
Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?
182
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,240
A what?! Something to do with backs.
183
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,880
Look, Toast, I'm going
to book you the appointment.
184
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,280
I just need to get you through
this audition tomorrow.
185
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,720
Be very calm, very polite. Yes.
186
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,080
You keep that famous Toast anger
under control, alrighty?
187
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,200
PHONE RINGS
188
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,240
Yes?
189
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,560
Thanks for letting me know.
190
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,120
What's the matter with you, Jane?
191
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,960
You've got a face like a slapped
arse. Bad news, I'm afraid.
192
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,080
The producer's just offered the role
to Ray Purchase. What?!
193
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,600
Apparently Ray went in there,
did his best Cary Grant,
194
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,960
charmed them all,
got offered the job on the spot.
195
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,160
Perhaps Doubledecker
knows about your temper?
196
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,800
PHONE RINGS
197
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,200
♪ Ray... ♪
198
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,800
Hello, George. Francis, how's life?
199
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,440
Ugh, you're kidding.
200
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,040
Just the usual, please.
201
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,120
Hold back on the water,
I know what you're like.
202
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,880
Oh.
203
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,160
Sorry, Toast,
I didn't notice you there.
204
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,360
I was just about to phone you,
as it happens.
205
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:16,200
Bad luck, losing out on that
career-changing Hollywood movie gig.
206
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,160
The word is you lost out
207
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,320
because they heard you have a
bit of an anger issue.
208
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,080
Anyway.
209
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,360
No hard feelings.
210
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,560
And don't worry about
that 50 you owe me,
211
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,240
whenever you've got it, it's fine.
212
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,480
In fact, look, here's another 50.
213
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,560
I haven't been around for a while,
Toast, I expect you've noticed.
214
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,520
No.
215
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,320
In fact, something really
serious happened.
216
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,840
I reached...
217
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:04,040
..peak anger.
218
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,320
Peak anger?
219
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,560
Yes, peak anger.
220
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,520
I figured I should do
something about it
221
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:13,040
so I booked myself into this
countryside retreat.
222
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,600
Yoga, meditation,
that kind of thing. Ha!
223
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,880
Run by a fantastic chap
called Des Wigwam.
224
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,760
Who specialises in anger management.
225
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,040
Yeah, I'll bet.
226
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,600
Smashing guy, super people there.
227
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,400
Anyway, now I feel...
228
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,200
..not angry any more.
229
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,920
I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase".
230
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,200
Why are you doing quotation marks
with your fingers?
231
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,320
You are Ray Purchase.
232
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:47,120
I suppose I'm the new "improved"
Ray Purchase. Spare me.
233
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,400
Toast, after what happened,
234
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,360
I think you should go and
see this Wigwam guy.
235
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,360
Here, look, I'll give you his card.
236
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,520
I feel...great.
237
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,080
I feel terrible.
238
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,120
Your name looks familiar.
239
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,200
Do you ever get confused with...?
240
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,440
Dr Harold Shipman?
241
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,000
Thankfully, I'm not him.
242
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,880
No, luckily I dodged a bullet
on that front. My name's Shitman.
243
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,160
Dr Harold Shitman.
244
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,520
Please take a seat.
245
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,840
Your blood pressure's dangerously
high, you're not breathing freely
246
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,800
and there's a serious risk
of heart failure.
247
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,040
I'm not a doctor,
what does all that mean?
248
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,280
It means you need
to change your lifestyle.
249
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,640
You're an actor, aren't you?
250
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,520
I saw the piece in The Stage about
you being very angry.
251
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,520
I thought only... Actors read that?
252
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,720
The way only doctors read
The Doctor's Surgery?
253
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,680
Well, I'm an actor and a doctor. Oh.
254
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,880
There's a place in the country
people go to,
255
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:49,560
run by a smashing chap called...
256
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,080
Les Tepee? No. Des Wigwam.
257
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,640
That's what I meant.
258
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,360
Let me give you his card.
259
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,480
He said my blood pressure is
dangerously high,
260
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,960
I'm not breathing freely and there's
a high risk of heart failure.
261
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,840
I'm not a doctor,
what does all that mean?
262
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,720
It's not good, apparently.
263
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,040
I have an idea, Toast.
264
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,240
Something that might interest you.
265
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,800
Well, she looks charming enough
266
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,680
but I fear I may come a cropper
with the old dicky ticker.
267
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,800
No, there is another place people
keep telling me about,
268
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,880
an anger management unit
run by a chap called Chris Marquee.
269
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,600
Or was it Rob Scout Hut?
Something like that.
270
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,680
Do you mean Des Wigwam? That's it.
271
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,600
I've heard he's very good.
You should go there, Toast.
272
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,920
You've been on edge a lot lately.
Yeah, I have.
273
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,320
DOORBELL
274
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,080
Who the fuck is that?
275
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,480
And what kind of arsehole would
call now, when we're having our tea?
276
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,880
Answer me that?
277
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,760
You can't, Ed, can you? You can't!
278
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,360
Looks like peak anger.
279
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,000
I think I need help.
280
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,480
How far is this bloody place?
281
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,040
{\an8}Bloody situation this is,
I don't even want to bloody be here.
282
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,040
That was me, just two years ago.
283
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,240
And this is me today.
284
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,720
TOAST SCOFFS
285
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:43,080
That's what my anger led me to,
alcohol.
286
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,840
Homelessness.
287
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,400
A shitty attitude.
288
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,440
But I turned my life around.
289
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:52,760
And you can too.
290
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,040
People ask me, "Why, Des, why?"
291
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,800
I say, "Who?"
292
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,280
They say, "What?"
293
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,720
Oh, I don't believe it. What?
294
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,480
That's Steven Toast,
he was incredibly rude to me. Why?
295
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,480
My husband had just left me,
296
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,520
so I had a breakdown,
297
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,720
Toast was totally unsympathetic.
298
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:17,360
I read he was one of the most angry
people in show business.
299
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,160
A real piece of shit.
300
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,120
OK. For the first exercise today,
301
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,040
I'd like you all
to just walk around the room.
302
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,640
Oh, God.
303
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,280
Come on, start walking.
304
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,320
Nice and slow.
305
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,840
Very good, very good.
306
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,360
OK, everybody, stop.
307
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,640
Look at the person closest to you.
308
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,560
Look closely at this person.
309
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,600
How does he or she make you feel?
310
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:50,960
What do you think?
311
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,320
Steven?
312
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,840
Oh, erm...
313
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,120
I feel nothing but utter contempt.
314
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,680
Disgust, horror, hatred,
315
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,240
even looking at her makes me
feel physically sick.
316
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,800
THE OTHERS GASP
317
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,080
OK, don't say the words out loud.
318
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,520
Right.
319
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,800
How do you feel about that, Sue?
320
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,600
SHE SOBS
321
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,600
Shit.
322
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:23,880
OK.
323
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,800
That didn't go according to plan.
324
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:27,880
It's early days.
325
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,240
Right, Steven?
326
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,240
GUITAR PLAYS MONTAGE MUSIC
327
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,160
SPEECH INAUDIBLE
328
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:45,200
I can honestly say I I've never felt
less angry in my entire life.
329
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,080
It took a while with you, Toast.
330
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,760
You were a particularly difficult
case, but we got there in the end.
331
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,360
Well, I have to thank you.
Thank you, Des Wigwam.
332
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:59,360
It's what we do. You see,
we close down all your emotions.
333
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:03,360
You'll never get angry again. But
neither will you feel anything else.
334
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:08,120
Happiness, relief, satisfaction,
love, contentment, sorrow or pain.
335
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,320
Well, you kept that quiet. Did I?
336
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,040
Well, you must be furious with me.
337
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,760
No, I feel absolutely nothing.
338
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:16,800
Great.
339
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,400
You are now anger-free.
340
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,520
Just one final thing - you
will feel copious amounts of guilt.
341
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,520
Well, it's interesting you
say that, the first thing I'll do
342
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,480
when I get home is I'm going to
apologise to every single person
343
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,200
I've ever been rude to.
344
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,400
Good luck, Toast.
345
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,280
I've forgotten my case.
Yeah, it's just there.
346
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,720
Annoyed?
347
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,720
Not at all. Great.
348
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,480
The first person I'm going to
apologise to is Purchase.
349
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,240
Now, I know we've had our
differences in the past but I happen
350
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:26,640
to think he's an all-right guy
and I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
351
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,640
You'll see.
352
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,760
I'm obviously going to be
very famous!
353
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,960
And make lots and lots of money!
354
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,840
Darling, I'm in a particularly
good mood.
355
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,240
What's say we spend the afternoon...
356
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,520
HE MAKES A GARGLING SOUND
357
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,400
Oh, not now, Ray.
358
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,480
PHONE RINGS
359
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,240
Purchase.
360
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,240
Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast.
361
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,120
Yes, I'd like to apologise for being
rude to you over the years and
362
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:09,360
not to mention, feeling extremely
guilty for making love to your wife.
363
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,360
In your bed, sometimes
when you've been in the house
364
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,440
and sometimes
when you've been in the bed.
365
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,760
Every week for the past 20 years.
366
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,520
So, sorry chap, and all the best!
Ha!
367
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,560
What's the matter, Ray?
368
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,080
♪ Ray... ♪
369
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:34,240
Toast said he's been making
love to you
370
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,600
in our bed
371
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,600
every week for the last 20 years.
372
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,240
Really?
373
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,040
Hmm. I don't remember that.
374
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,000
He's probably mistaken you
for someone else.
375
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,160
I know you're completely innocent,
my darling.
376
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,640
But on the off chance that he
is telling the truth...
377
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,680
..I need to teach Toast a lesson!
378
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,360
Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be
in a terrific mood after being
379
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,360
offered a role in that
Hollywood movie.
380
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,320
But you look like you're suddenly
getting angry again.
381
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,040
I wonder if there's anything about
it in the small print?
382
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,280
Oh, there it is.
383
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,120
In tiny, tiny letters,
384
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,360
"Normal emotions may return if the
385
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:22,440
"patient is reminded of a previous
trauma or hears some bad news."
386
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,200
I'm going out!
387
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,680
EXTREMELY LOUD CRUNCH
388
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,000
So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots
of people in the Colonial later.
389
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,360
I'm going to apologise to every
man Jack and woman Jack
390
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,600
of them individually.
391
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,840
I'm here, Toast.
392
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:49,920
Oh, yes.
393
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,560
That should cover it. Thanks, Toast.
394
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,000
Sorry for everything, Ian.
395
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,080
Now for this lot.
396
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,280
I say, thank you all for coming.
397
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:09,560
I owe each one of you a sincere
apology for my anger over the years.
398
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,320
I'm actually getting
quite emotional.
399
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,040
Keep it together, Toast.
400
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,960
You're making a tomfool
of yourself.
401
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,640
Yes, you're right, Blair.
402
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,920
By the way, Toast, you owe me £200.
403
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:27,560
Well, I've given all my cash to Ian,
to pay my bar tab.
404
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,680
Bar tab?!
405
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,960
Toast, the only reason all of us
are here tonight
406
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,960
in this bugger house is
because we thought you
407
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,000
were going to repay our loans.
408
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,120
That's the only reason we're here.
409
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,120
Now, what say you, sir?
410
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,040
Good Lord.
411
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,360
You'll be lucky.
412
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,360
By my reckoning,
413
00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:01,840
I'd say I'm the only man in this
room that owes you, Toast.
414
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,320
This.
415
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,520
It's for making love to my wife
416
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:06,880
in my bed,
417
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,960
sometimes when I was in the house,
418
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,800
actually, sometimes
even when I was in the bed!
419
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,280
For the last 20...
420
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,880
Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase,
ruck in there!
421
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:19,920
Knock him out!
422
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,520
What have you got, Toast?
423
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:25,680
Oh, my goodness.
424
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:30,560
Purchase!
425
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,360
Come on, Purchase!
426
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,880
All right, gentlemen,
£20 on the man in the moustache.
427
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,000
God, not in the knackers.
428
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,360
Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally!
429
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:09,640
That'll teach you,
Ray bloody Purchase.
430
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,560
Champagne, sir?
431
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,320
It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot.
432
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,720
I'll bet it is!
433
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,160
There you go, sir.
434
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,080
PHONE RINGS
435
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,200
Jane? I'm safely on the plane.
436
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,840
Away from the baying mob.
437
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,480
Can you believe they only turned up
to collect money off me?
438
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,840
Ha! Saved in the nick of time.
439
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,920
Now, let me give you some more
details about the terrific
440
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,800
stroke of luck you've had.
441
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,080
With Purchase now
out of the picture,
442
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,280
I immediately contacted Doubledecker
to say you were still
443
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,520
very much available.
444
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,800
He said yes immediately, they're
even paying for your flight.
445
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,680
Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker.
"DOOB-ledecker".
446
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:57,120
And hooray for Hollywood,
you're going to Tinseltown, Toast.
447
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,720
Can you believe it?
448
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,320
How's Ray Purchase?
449
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,240
Two broken legs
and a badly sprained neck,
450
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,840
he'll be out of action for months.
451
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,680
Two broken legs, fantastic!
452
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,840
Everything's worked out dandy,
Jane, just dandy.
453
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,920
Have a nice day! Ha!
454
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:17,680
I almost forgot, what's the name of
the movie that I'm going to be in?
455
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,800
The latest Star Wars movie.
456
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,160
You've heard of the Star Wars,
I take it?
457
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,920
Yes, Jane,
458
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,160
even I've heard Star Wars.
459
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,840
Excuse me, buddy?
I think you're in my seat.
460
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,920
Oh, yes.
461
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,040
Apologies, old chap.
462
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,240
Toast.
463
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,600
Steven Toast.
464
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,520
I'm Nightlife.
465
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,440
Russ Nightlife.
466
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:47,800
Pleased to meet you.
467
00:26:47,850 --> 00:26:52,400
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