All language subtitles for The.Spy.Who.Raised.Me.2018.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

It was on my way
to college.

My dad told me the whole story.

He took the 4 and 1/2 hour drive
to tell me, "I was a KGB spy.

"I was sent here to get closer

"to some important
people in politics

"and steal some information."

He told me, "I have
another family in Germany

"and I was supposed to go back,
but I stayed here for you."

My whole life was not
what I thought it was.

My dad is a criminal,
that is a fact,

and my dad has hurt a lot of
people, that's another fact.

Finding out my dad was a spy
turned my life upside down.

I've struggled
with relationships

and it's made me doubt
my whole upbringing

and who I really am as a person.

I still have so many
questions and I really wonder

are there other children
of spies out there

who feel like I do.

The two sons
of the accused spy couple

in Cambridge, Massachusetts
in the custody of US Marshals.

Two of
the spies live here

with their two young daughters.

Just seemed
like a nice quiet family.

I would have been
discombobulated

if I found my
parents were spies.

People think that
spies are like James Bond

and it is absolutely
nothing like that.

The day was one of mourning

for this teenage boy
whose parents were sent

to Russia last night
as he was left behind.

There are children
of spies out there

and they've really gone
through some traumatic things.

I know this because
my dad was a KGB spy.

My dad is from East Germany
or former East Germany

and he was recruited by
Russian intelligence.

His real name was
Albrecht Dittrich.

He came to America in his 30s
under the name Jack Barsky.

The Russians had
stolen the identity

of a deceased American child

and gave the identity to my dad.

He worked at MetLife
as an executive

and he stole American
information technology

for the KGB.

My dad met my mother who is
an immigrant from Guyana.

They got married and raised my
younger brother Jessie and I

in a Pennsylvania suburb.

When I see in the
current news about spies,

I'm not really surprised.

There are spies everywhere.

But you don't really
hear the stories

of the loved ones of spies.

The fact that my father was
a spy tore my family apart

and it completely
changed my worldview

and everything I
knew about my life.

It was always really
hard for me to figure out

who I really am because
I didn't have all

of the information that I wanted
about my dad and his past.

I have always wondered if
there were other people

out there like me.

As a child, I always felt like
there was something missing

and I couldn't put my
finger on what it was.

I noticed some weird
things growing up,

things that I questioned.

We had a house next door when
we lived in Pennsylvania.

I never saw anyone come
in or out of the house.

The blinds were always shut.

The grass was always
perfectly cut.

There was a clothesline
out there as well

and I never saw any
clothes on the clothesline.

I just had a funny
feeling about that house,

a feeling that I
was being watched.

It wasn't until many years
later that I found out

that the FBI had bought that
little blue house next door.

It's been years since I've
been back to my childhood home

in Pennsylvania where the
FBI caught up with my dad.

My old house.

There's the house
that the FBI bought.

Joe Reilly is the FBI
agent that caught my dad.

And it just so turns
out he's now one

of my dad's good friends.

Hi, Chelsea,
how are you?

How are you?

It's been a while.
- It's been a few years.

As long as I've known
Joe, I've never sat down

with him one on one to talk
to him about the investigation

on my dad.

When you lived here,

I remember the first time
I saw you.

You were this high and
your dad was teaching you

to play basketball in the,

Yeah.
in the driveway.

And it was amazing how much

I could learn just
by watching you.

I really could see
that your dad loved you

and he was very attentive.

How did you
guys find out about my dad?

We found out through
a defector source,

a man who worked for
the KGB in Moscow.

We didn't know about him at
all until we got information,

fragments of information
from the defector.

We didn't know where
he was in the country,

but we narrowed it down to here.

And when we realised
we found the right guy,

then it intensified and
we started surveillance.

We would surveil from
the windows there.

You guys bought the house?

Yeah.

We used the house
probably well over a year.

Your dad used to come out
and jog down the road.

We would surveil.

I could sit up in that area
because that was wide open.

Yeah.

I was pretending
to be a birdwatcher

and I had books on ornithology
and I had a telescope

and I just sat there when I
knew you guys would be outside.

When I found out that the
FBI was living next door

to our house in Pennsylvania,

I was completely
blown away by that

'cause we never noticed it.

I couldn't believe that they
went to such great lengths

to keep eyes on my dad.

You were away one
weekend, your whole family.

We had our technical team go in

and they put microphones
in the kitchen

and in the family
room so we could hear

your dad's conversations.

What were you looking
for, like an admission?

Yes.

And we got that about, oh,

just a few weeks after we
put the microphones in.

Your dad and your mother
had a conversation

in the kitchen about his origin.

Your mother was expressing
her disappointment

in not knowing
who he really was.

And that's when he
told her the truth?

Yeah, he told her everything.

He really didn't think he
was gonna get caught out here.

No, he didn't.

He had been here so long.

In fact, when we arrested him,

one of the first things
he said to us was,

"What took you so long?"

Our goal was to recruit him,
not to put him in prison,

but to get him to work with us.

It's really fascinating
to listen to the details

of the investigation of my dad,

but there's an emotional side
of this that has never really

been discussed in my family.

And I want to know if there's
others out there like me.

Dad.

Oh boy, it's been a while huh?

Like two years?

We've been living on
different parts of the country

and haven't had time to
physically get together.

So, I'm really looking forward
to sitting down with him

and talking about the past

and I have some
questions for him too.

It's been too long, but
you know, you're over there,

I'm over there, then you
moved there, and I moved here,

and you got that
adventurous gene.

You don't mind leaving.

A lot of people have
a problem leaving.

I never had it.

I can pick up and go
tomorrow someplace.

If given an opportunity
to move to a new country,

and I'm told, okay, you
have to leave everything

and everyone behind,
you can never see them

or talk to them
again, I would do it.

And I wouldn't
feel bad about it.

And that kinda scares
me a little bit.

Because your attachments

aren't strong enough
to keep you someplace.

And I had the same thing going.

I had some attachments,

but in the end, the
adventure was more important.

It was, you know, just, I couldn't resist.

So is that why
you became a spy?

The KGB was the most
powerful single organisation

on the planet and
they wanted me.

Boy, that flatters
you doesn't it, right?

It was powerful enough
to make me say goodbye

to everything and everybody
I knew, my entire past.

I'm sure you could
do the same thing.

I think it might be genetic.

I'm 30 years old now

and I don't feel
capable of having kids

because I know with my ability
to disconnect emotionally

even though I feel like I
have a lot of love to give

and I feel like I
would be nurturing,

it's not gonna be easy
for me to overcome that

with my own family.

And I feel so terrified
that I would repeat that.

It's one of the things.

You know, people who
are not as strong as you

and me have a hard time dealing
with that kind of stuff.

Sure, I mean, that's normal.

We're not normal.

No, we're not.

I don't know what normal means.

Yeah, that's nothing
to be proud of either.

We just are who we are.

My normal is I grew up
with a father who is ex-KGB.

My normal is not knowing the
answers to all the questions

that I've been trying to find
for my entire life up to now.

That's my normal.

I really wonder do other
families of former spies

have to go through
the same thing.

I may not have all the answers,

but this just means I need
to ask more questions.

I wanna talk to other
people who've gone through

what I've gone through.

Today, I'm gonna
meet Robert Korczak.

His father was a spy as well.

I read an article about
Boris and I found out

his son Robert lives in Virginia

and he was willing to
share his story with me.

I wanna know how his father

being a spy has
affected his life.

Did you have any strange
feelings when you were young?

Starting when?

When my dad was
active with the KGB

or when my dad was
exposed as a CIA plant?

When did you find out?

Seven, eight,
something like that.

Okay, so
you found out young.

How did you react?

Well, I reacted by hiding in
the foot-well of my dad's car

as we sped through the
streets of Copenhagen

while in a car chase.

That's how you found out?

That's when I found out
something wasn't right.

Jesus.

Yeah.

That was my introduction
to hey, your dad's a spy.

Did someone actually tell you?

My dad, eventually.

It definitely became
clear after he was shot.

We're in the fruit department.

He reaches back and he
says, "Something bit me."

And he has a little bit of
blood on his hand or something.

We go home and I'm lying on
the floor watching cartoons

and my dad starts losing
the ability to walk.

He was fading in and
out of consciousness.

So, it passed eventually
like a kidney stone

which he captured
in a coffee filter.

It wasn't safe.

I missed nine months
of school after that.

My dad's friends were obviously
doing as much as they could.

As for me, at 8
1/2, nine years old,

I was the one carrying his
nine millimetre Beretta.

I had strict orders.

If somebody knocks at the door,

tell them exactly
these words, I'm armed,

I'm going to count to five

and then I'm going
to start shooting.

- And did you ever have to...
- No.

Well, that's good.

That is fantastic,

'cause I still have some
marbles left because of that.

I can't imagine.

You ever feel paranoid?

I have reoccurring nightmares.

I have...
- Me too.

My reoccurring
nightmare for decades now

is that I'm being
chased and I have a gun.

The gun always turns into a toy.

I have the exact same one.

I'm always being chased.

I need to defend myself.

But the gun won't work.

Exactly.

That's really interesting that

we have the same kind
of recurring nightmare.

Do you feel like, 'cause I
feel like I have some traits

that would allow me
to do what my dad did.

It scares me a little bit,
it's like I could absolutely

right now leave
everything behind

and move to another country
and not feel bad about it.

You've been keeping
people at an arm's length.

Yes.

We are outsiders because
there are no kids like us.

We're always gonna be outsiders.

This is why I wanted
to meet other people

that share the same thing,

'cause I thought I
was the only one.

It is very difficult to
have nobody to relate to

about this stuff.

And that's the life
of a spy's kid.

I wasn't expecting that.

It's the truth.

More similarities than I
thought there would be.

- Me too.
- Really?

I'm pretty surprised.

I felt a lot less alone
after talking to Robert.

It was like looking in a
mirror and he understood me

on a different level
than anybody else.

Give me a hug.

Hang in there.

Really confirmed that there's
others out there like me

and I don't have to feel alone

in my conflict with my identity.

I'm going to find
other children of spies

and hear their stories.

Today, I'm meeting with my mom.

Since my conversation
with my dad the other day,

I really just wanted
to talk to my mom.

I've made it a point
to go visit her

and try to maintain a
relationship with her.

But it's always been difficult.

How are you?
- I'm good.

Got to talk to dad the
other day, got to go see him.

Really?

It had been awhile
since I've seen him.

And what did you ask him?

We just had a
good conversation

relating to his life as a spy.

Did he tell you the
truth about things?

Yeah.

All right.

Why, you don't think
he's telling the truth?

Not all the time.

My parents are divorced now.

My mom has never really
forgiven my dad for being a spy

and flipping her
life upside down.

Different times,
different things happened

that you didn't know.

Like what?

When I got pregnant with you,

he wasn't really interested
in having a family.

So, I said, "If you're not
interested in having the baby,

"I'll take my baby home
to my mom in Guyana."

For how long?

After my two weeks
vacation was up,

I brought you back and he came
to pick me up at the airport.

And he says, "Why did
you bring the baby back?"

- Really?
- Yes.

Hmm.

So, do you believe that or?

I believe anything
you tell me.

Okay, so that's
what he told me

and your father
probably twist it.

So you think
everyone's against you.

My mother and I have always

had a very strained
relationship.

She really does
not like the fact

that I have a good
relationship with my dad.

Why didn't he ever say to
me in any kind of moments

this is the situation, I really
need to tell you something.

I have a wife in Germany,
I have two children there.

He never said any of that.

I think my mom is just
gonna hold onto that pain

and suffering and she's
never gonna let it go.

This is why I don't wanna
talk to you about this

because your father like
to use his profession

and his smarts and use
it on people around him.

One thing I wish I
could get across to my mom

is that I'm not choosing sides.

And that I love her just
the same as I love my dad.

And I just want her to
move on and be happy again.

10 Russian
intelligence officers

have been arrested allegedly
for spying on the US.

In 2010, the FBI busted a
sleeper cell of Russian spies

who were living in
the United States.

They posed as ordinary Americans

while secretly feeding
information over to Moscow.

Some of them, like
Richard and Cynthia Murphy

were married couples
who had children born

in the United States.

Some reports said that the
marriages were arranged

by the Russian government
and that they had kids

to help their cover as
regular American families.

I can't imagine finding
out that your own birth

was part of a spy operation.

The US government deported
the 10 spies to Russia

in exchange for Western
spies being held in Moscow.

I watched all of this news
unfold just a few years

after my dad told me that
he was a Russian spy.

So my first thought was,
what happened to the kids?

The day was one of mourning

for this teenage
boy whose parents

were sent to Russia last night

as he was left behind.

Juan Lazaro Jr had no
idea his parents were spies

and when they were
sent to Russia,

he decided to stay in New York.

I tried reaching out to Juan

but he won't return
my calls or emails.

The Murphys, two young
children, returned to Russia

with their parents where
they were repatriated.

Then there was Tim Foley
who returned to Russia

with his parents and brother.

Foley was actually
his mom's cover name.

In 2010, he was given
a Russian passport

with the name Timofei Vavilov,

which was his mom's
real last name.

And that really struck
me because 10 years ago

I made the decision to change
my name from Chelsea Barsky

to Chelsea Dittrich.

Dittrich was my
dad's real last name.

Barsky was just a name
that the KGB stole

and gave to my dad.

Out of respect for the real
Jack Barsky and his family,

I just didn't think it made
sense to hold onto the name.

And you know, under
normal circumstances

I would have been given
the Dittrich name.

I was not in normal
circumstances obviously.

So, I was given the false name.

My dad's real name
is Albrecht Dittrich

and even though he does
not use it legally,

it was really important for
me to have that emotional tie

to his real name.

I'm going to see my dad today
at his house in Atlanta.

Really just wanna know what
he really did as a spy.

Why do you have this
stupid rock here?

Why is the rock stupid?

Let me tell you what that is.

It's a rock.

Well no, no, this
is a paperweight.

That's sort of a
memory from the past

that I actually made myself.

That is a replica of a
container that I actually used

for handing over
material to my handlers.

It's called a container
for a dead drop operation.

I've now sort of
come to terms with,

okay, he was really a spy.

But now I'm thinking,
okay, how did he do it?

Now, I literally slid
into a different identity,

you've got to believe
that you are that.

So you have to
believe your lie.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's just weird
when you look back on it.

You blended in so well.

It was just something
I did on the side,

like, you know some
people play golf

and I did secret messages and
did surveillance detection.

It's just the
funny thing is that

it's just so like casual to you.

It's very hard to
get my dad to have

an emotional conversation
because my dad

is just always in
an operative mode.

Communication from the
centre that was Moscow

to me was always through
shortwave radio.

Oh, wait a minute.

Can you hear it?

Oh wow.

Yeah, you can see that.

And this is the
fine tuning here.

It's gone.

Yes, this is still
used today by the way.

I tell you what I
would hear normally,

it would go...

And for like about a half hour.

Morse code?

Morse code, exactly.

So this is how you received
messages from your bosses.

Right, it's the only
way, only shortwave.

How did you send
them messages?

Sometimes I had long
reports, so I wrote them

and I photographed 'em.

And then I handed the
undeveloped film in a container

in what's called a drop
operation to a local agent.

I gotta show you how to make
one of those containers.

You'll be surprised.

It's so cool to learn how my
dad actually did his spy job.

It's so different than
it is in the movies.

So, what I have here is
the secret piece of material

that I wanna hand in a drop
operation to a Soviet agent.

And I wrap it.

So now I need to put
this into something

where it looks totally innocent.

This is the stuff you
used to make the drop?

Yeah, sure.

Did mom ever catch
you doing this?

No.

I did this in this one room
that I told your mother,

"That's my room,
don't go in there."

This does not require
a great deal of skill.

You need a little bit more.

And then we make a
dirty rock out of it.

You know, the whole
idea is to use something

that's so simple that
nobody could even think

that it's something
special, you know?

Okay, so when you go
and you put this rock

at your location, if you
recognise that somebody

is following you,
were you trained

on how to evade
somebody on foot?

If I'm trying to do
an operation,

I abort the operation.

And I don't panic.

Next thing is I go home and
see whether there was sign

that somebody was
going through my stuff.

And when there
was clear evidence

that I was being investigated,

I had a pretty
brilliant escape plan.

I would load my bicycle into
the trunk of my hatchback

and drive to a road
adjacent to a park.

There was a bike path,
maybe a quarter mile.

Go through that park.

Come out on the other side.

There was a subway station.

Dive into the
subway and I'm gone.

Go to Canada via train.

I also had escape documents.

They were false documents.

I had a Canadian passport
and driver's license.

Do you think you
would have started

over completely there and...

No, I would have joined
my family and I don't know.

Oh, you would have used
Canada to go back to Germany?

Oh sure.

So this is where
I'm coming to terms

with this whole thing,
because that escape,

if you had to use it and
you had to go to Canada,

we wouldn't be here right now.

Possibly you
wouldn't even be alive.

Or,

or we wouldn't know
each other, yeah sure.

Wow, that's just crazy.

Yeah, I didn't expect that.

When my dad came to the US,
it wasn't really his goal

to have a family here.

Eventually, he
was gonna go back.

I was torn, you know,

I have a child here and
I have a family there.

This was for my own
personal self-interest.

I should have left
you and I didn't.

If I go back, I'm a hero.

The Russians
promised me a house.

Everything would
have been great.

If I stay, I have
possibly the FBI after me,

the KGB after me,

and ultimately you won.

It was close, I
have to admit it,

it was really
close, but you won.

You and your mother.

My dad's not perfect, but
when he decided to stay,

he gave it 100%.

He decided to really
stay and be my dad.

And I think I just got very,
very lucky in that regard.

I met Robert Korczak, who
is also the child of a spy,

and I learned how deeply
his family was also affected

by his father's past, but
I wanted to learn more.

So I'm meeting with
Robert's mom, Barbara,

who like my mom, was also
the wife of a spy.

One thing I know about
Barbara, is that she and Boris

are still married, and
they still live under

the same roof so they have
kept their family together and

I'm really interested in
knowing how she's been able

to keep the family
together despite the things

that they've gone
through as a family.

Knowing what you knew
about your husband

being a double agent, did
you ever confront him?

No, because his idea was
that working as a double agent,

he is working his way
that we can go to the

United States and
have better life.

I always felt like we'd
be better, more peaceful,

more quiet, if he had
just regular job

like everybody else.

Why did this happen to me?

Why just me is exposed to
such a strange environment

and strange situations.

I didn't do anything wrong,
but it just happened.

At the same time, I
felt proud of my husband

because he was extraordinary.

He was not like everybody else.

But he was special, and
I like this about him.

But, were you ever
angry with him?

It seems like you were
sad that, you know,

Why did this happen to me?

My mom had the same reaction.

I, I'm not angry with him.

Because he wanted the
best for the family.

Emotionally, I was not
involved with his job

so I was just a bystander.

So my role as a wife
was support him.

And I had to be strong to
keep this family together.

And make them in a
loving environment.

The reason I'm getting
really emotional right now

is because your attitude is
totally different than my mom's.

My mom is the complete
opposite of you

in terms of how she took it.

She was like "Why is
this happening to me?"

"This was not my plan
for my life."

She became angry and bitter
and she never let that go.

It's just the pain
which she has inside

is keeping her away.

Tell her what bothers you.

What is hurting you inside
and ask her the same question.

What is hurting her and
how you two can make up

to have mother-daughter
relationship.

And see how it's going
to work this way.

I really just admired
Barbara for her strength more

than anything and especially
her choice in wanting

to keep the family
together at all costs.

When I talked to her, it really
opened my eyes to the pain

that my mom was going through.

Because of what my dad did,
this had affected my mom

in a way that I just
couldn't understand.

After meeting with Barbara,
and taking in her words

of advice, I'm gonna see
if there is a possibility

to get my mom to open up.

I just wanted to give
you a quick call.

I had this really interesting
meeting with another spouse

of a former spy and...

So what it
has to do with me?

I thought about our talk,
and, and how you processed,

dad being a spy, and how you
were pretty angry with him.

And you're even angry with,
you know, me and Jesse, and...

Everything you
say, it's like, that's your

point of view of
what I'm angry about.

It's not your
father being a spy.

He was a damn liar.

Boris Korczak's wife.

She was in your exact position.

She was in your shoes.

She went through a lot
of, if not almost all

of the same things
that you went through,

based on what you told me.

You don't
have a clue, really,

what I've been through.

He didn't want to
get married to me.

He didn't want to have you.

And then he had this
whole secret background.

I just thought maybe you
would want to talk to me

a little bit about
this stuff, and...

I don't want to
talk to you about anything

because you have been
supporting your father.

He's my father.

And you want
me to tell my story?

Right now I don't give
a about him

and his spy

He's just a big liar.

He never told me he was
married, he never told me

he had children, he just
went through the whole life

with me there with this
big lie hanging behind him.

I don't care anymore
about talking about him

and his bull

Okay?

So I don't need to talk
to you about anything

because you don't understand.

That's just bringing
up a lot of painful,

hurtful memories that I
don't want to talk about.

Okay, Mom, all I
really wanted to do was

share the conversation
that I had with Barbara

with you, and if you're not...

Yeah, but I don't
care about these people,

I got my own story.

Can I, can I finish?

Can I please finish?

If you are not ready
to talk about it,

we can just try another time.

I don't even
want to try anytime.

How about that?

Okay, Mom.

Have a good night.

Bye bye.

I think after that phone call,

I'm not going to try anymore.

And I think she's made it
pretty clear to me that

she's not ready to forgive.

She's not ready to open up.

She's not ready to move on.

You can't help someone that
doesn't want to be helped.

And she's just not ready.

In a traditional family
dynamic, you may not

have this kind of drama.

But, this drama was brought
on because of the fact

that my dad was a spy.

My dad sent me an email
recently and not just to me.

He sent it to the whole family.

He actually opens up
the email with saying that,

"Today, I got my second of
15 radiation treatments

for prostate cancer.

I really did not
want to mention it

because it is all under control
and you should not worry."

He ended the email by
saying, "Sorry for all the

medical stuff, but like
an older model car,

us veterans must spend a
bit more time in the shop.

Love you all, Dad."

I had no idea he had cancer
and I couldn't believe that

he would even announce
that in an email.

So, what's up?

I got your email.

All right, so I'm sorry.

I should have probably
told you earlier that

something was going on.

I was actually trying
to keep it a secret.

I didn't respond
to the email

because I was pissed that
you didn't tell me.

You know, I didn't feel like
telling you because to me

it's almost like a non-issue.

I understand, cancer...

How do you think
that's a non-issue?

It's cancer.

Yes, I'm taking
things too lightly.

I have always
lived without fear.

And I'm not afraid of this either.

How can you operate
undercover for 10 years

and be afraid every day
that you might go to jail

or that somebody might
do something bad to you?

This fearlessness is the way
I'm wired, fundamentally,

and you operate like an
island, an emotional island.

That's part of my baggage.

It's just not a normal thing.

To have no feelings and no fear.

That's not normal.

You know, this has developed
into a pattern, with you.

You told me, on my way to
school, that, you know, you were a spy,

and you just kind of dropped me
off and said, you know, "Okay, go on,

about your day."

I wasn't able to
focus because I spent

so much time processing it.

And it affected me.

And, fast-forward to now,
you tell me after the fact

that you have prostate
cancer again thinking that it

was not going to affect
me, and it did affect me

and that's why I'm asking
you to, in the future,

do better at telling me
before it becomes a thing

that I will get
really upset about.

All right, um, if... if you

want me to feel guilty,

you just achieved that.

My dad still doesn't get it.

He can't seem to break this
spy mode and just be my dad.

Everything is a mission
and a strategy with him.

I just want him to see that
his actions have consequences

for those who love him like me.

I'll let you know.

I'll keep you more informed.

I promise.

Today I'm going to
meet with Boria Sax,

who's the son of Saville
Sax, who was a spy.

Are you Boria?

I sure am.

I'm Chelsea,
its nice to meet you.

Actually, I give hugs.

How did you find out?

I found out from a journalist.

I was well into middle age.

It was very hard for me to
talk about it to anybody.

Eventually, the desire to know,

overcame all of my hesitations.

Things from my childhood
started to make sense.

When I was growing up, there
were all sorts of tensions

in my home.

People were following
my parents around.

That's why this spy
thing is so distressing.

It tells you that the world
isn't what you think it is.

When I found out that my
dad was a former KGB agent,

I had a moment where I thought,

is he who he presented
himself to me to be?

There's just so
much role playing.

So many disguises.

That finally you have
to dig very intensely

to find the real human
being beyond all that.

Were you ever able to
uncover that about your father?

When I finally
found out about this,

he had been dead for some time.

What I saw in Boria Sax
was a sadness in his eyes

that made me feel
really terrible for him

because he has never been
able to have a conversation

with his dad about it.

And I'm able to get the answers
that I need out of my dad

because my dad is still here.

I just found out
my dad has cancer

and I need to talk to him
while I still have the chance.

He needs to know that
his spy life has hurt me.

I'm trying to create an
environment with my dad

where we can actually
talk to each other about

some of the more difficult
topics that we've

never been able to talk about.

Particularly, that his actions
as a spy has affected me.

The things that you
were doing as a spy.

You might think that
this didn't have any

affect on the family
like me or Jesse.

You weren't directly
impacted because it wasn't

like I was absent for
long periods of time.

You remember I was always there.

I was always supportive, right?

The things that you did may
not have impacted me directly,

but they certainly
impacted me psychologically

and emotionally and
these are things

that I'm only now realising.

I can only say to everybody
who I hurt, I'm sorry.

I can't, I can't.

I didn't intend to.

You know that.

And it's one thing to analyse
and to figure out, you know,

where that comes from.

It's another thing
to live the life that

you think you want to
live as a good person.

And that's what
I'm trying to do.

I'm very glad that I've
been able to tell him

I'm feeling a certain
way and I'm glad he was

willing to listen.

And I feel a lot more comfortable
with myself knowing

what I know now about my dad
and what his intentions were.

So, Dad, this has been
really helpful for me

to be able to tell you, you know, what
I think and how I feel.

And this is a conversation
we've never had before.

So, um, so thank you for
listening to me.

All right girl, baby.

Even though, you know, you're so big,
you know, you're still my baby.

All right.

- Love you dad.
- I love you.

I reached out to dozens
of children of spies,

but the majority of them
declined to tell their stories.

But, I've been able to
meet some amazing people

who I share a unique bond with.

They've helped me
realise I'm not alone.

No matter what country
a spy is working for,

the lies, the danger,
the lost sense of identity

are passed onto
us, their children.

Some of us are separated
from our families

or forced into
witness protection.

Others go into hiding
to escape the scrutiny

of their parents' actions.

Espionage creates many victims.

But the children of spies
are among the innocent.

Are we able to help them?

Can they ever come
out of the shadows?