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1
00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:42,258
Opening night,
opening night
2
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:46,350
It's opening night
3
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:51,606
It's Max Bialystock's
latest show
4
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:55,188
Will it flop
or will it go
5
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,282
The cast is taking
its final bow
6
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:01,153
Here comes
the audience now
7
00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:04,122
The doors are open
They're on their way
8
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,492
Let's hear
what they have to say
9
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,794
He's done it again
He's done it again
10
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,292
Max Bialystock
has done it again
11
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,713
We can't believe it
12
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:23,182
You can't conceive it
13
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,643
How'd he achieve it
14
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:29,265
It's the worst show
in town
15
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,142
We sat there sighing
16
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,270
Groaning and crying
17
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,239
There's no denying
18
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:41,450
It's the worst show
in town
19
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:44,662
Oh, we wanted to stand up
and hiss
20
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:48,329
We've seen shit,
but never like this
21
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,333
Max Bialystock
has done it again
22
00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:59,052
The songs were rotten
The book was stinking
23
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:02,843
What he did to Shakespeare,
Booth did to Lincoln
24
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,350
We had this specially made up
for Max Bialystock.
25
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:11,685
We couldn't leave faster
26
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,979
What a disaster
27
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:21,027
We are still in shock
28
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,742
Who produced this schlock
29
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:27,534
That slimy,
sleazy Max Bialystock
30
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,492
What a bum
31
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,222
Hello?
32
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:47,679
Mr. Bialystock?
33
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,897
Anybody here?
34
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,947
Mr. Bialystock?
35
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:05,280
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
36
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:06,579
What do you want?
37
00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,739
Speak to me, dummy, speak!
38
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,450
Why don't you speak?
39
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,207
Scared. Can't talk.
40
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,964
All right. I'm sorry.
41
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,174
I'm sorry. Calm down.
42
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,418
Get a hold of yourself.
Come with me.
43
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,260
There. Come on. Come on.
44
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,428
Come on. Right this way.
Watch your step.
45
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:32,561
Look. Just...
Take a deep breath.
46
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,435
Let it out slowly.
47
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,397
- Who are you?
- I am Leopold Bloom.
48
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,899
I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks
49
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,242
and I have come here
to do your books.
50
00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:47,325
Oh, you have, huh?
51
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,321
Well, listen... Who is it?
52
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,539
Hold me, touch me.
53
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,496
Hold Me-Touch Me.
One of my backers.
54
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:58,042
Listen, I have to meet
with an important investor.
55
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,586
Do me a big favor.
Go to the bathroom.
56
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,800
- But I don't have to go.
- Try. Try.
57
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,590
Think of Niagara Falls.
58
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:10,182
Be with you in a moment,
my darling!
59
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:17,515
Hold Me-Touch Me.
Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?
60
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:21,152
Kiss Me-Feel Me, Pinch Me-Pinch Me,
Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me-F...
61
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,986
Here she is.
Hold Me-Touch Me.
62
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,657
You know, it worked. As soon
as I pictured Niagara Falls...
63
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,220
- Back! Back! Don't make a sound.
- I didn't have any problems...
64
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,834
Coming. Coming.
65
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:50,683
Better.
66
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,180
Hello, gorgeous.
67
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,936
- Hold me, touch me.
- As soon as I shut the door.
68
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,988
Did you bring
the checkie?
69
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,579
Bialy can't produce plays
without checkies.
70
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:15,790
Here you go.
71
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,046
But first,
can we please play a game?
72
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,880
One dirty little game.
73
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,507
All right,
my little sex kitty.
74
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:30,842
What shall we play?
75
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,384
- The Debutante and the Bricklayer?
- Oh, no.
76
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,510
No.
77
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,978
How about the Rabbi
and the Contortionist?
78
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,640
You like that one, Mama,
keeps you limber.
79
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:45,319
I know. Let's play
the Virgin Milkmaid
80
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,735
and the Well-Hung
Stable Boy.
81
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,118
I don't think
I have the strength.
82
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:56,990
- Oh, don't worry. I'll be gentle.
- All right.
83
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,504
Oh, dear!
84
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,465
This milk is so heavy.
85
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,881
I'll never reach the house.
86
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:14,049
You there,
well-hung stable boy.
87
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,514
Won't you please help me?
88
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,190
Of course,
my little dairy queen.
89
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,193
First, I'll take your milk.
90
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,443
Then I shall take
your virginity!
91
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,244
No. No. Never. No.
92
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,533
Yes. Yes.
93
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,908
Give it to me, well-hung,
give it to me.
94
00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:43,707
Darling, wait! I haven't
even had coffee yet.
95
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,796
Take it easy. Take it easy.
96
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,040
Oh, my God!
97
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,463
- Send me to the moon, you animal.
- Yes.
98
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,461
- Send me to the moon.
- Yes.
99
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:55,636
Yes, my darling. Thursday.
Come back Thursday.
100
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:58,305
I'll send you
to the moon Thursday.
101
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,018
I may even join you.
102
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,934
But first the checkie.
Where's the checkie?
103
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,149
Come on, come on,
find the checkie.
104
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,603
Oh, here you go.
105
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:14,491
I made it out
like you told me.
106
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:18,238
- To the title of the play, "Cash."
- Yes.
107
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:21,582
It's a funny name
for a play, "Cash."
108
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,700
Yes.
109
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:25,954
So was The Iceman Cometh.
I'll see you Thursday.
110
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:28,251
Ta-ta. Ta-ta.
111
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,465
- Bye.
- Bye.
112
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:30,674
- Ta-ta.
- Bye.
113
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,044
Yes, yes, yes.
114
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,764
You dirty old buzzard.
115
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:43,933
May I come out
of the bathroom now,
116
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,181
Mr. Bialystock?
117
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,432
Yeah, sure.
118
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,652
I'm terribly sorry I caught you
feeling up the old lady.
119
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,566
"Feeling up the old lady."
120
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,898
Thank you, Mr. Tact.
121
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,822
- May I take your coat?
- Oh, thank you.
122
00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,697
- So, you're an accountant?
- Yes, sir, I am, sir.
123
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,289
Then account for yourself!
124
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,409
Why are you looking up
little old ladies' dresses?
125
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:05,660
Bit of a pervert, eh?
126
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,411
I know what you're thinking.
127
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:10,290
How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts?
128
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,883
- Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't...
- Shut up!
129
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,094
I'm having
a rhetorical conversation.
130
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,089
- Do you know who I used to be?
- Why, yes.
131
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:21,217
Yes. You were Max Bialystock,
the King of Broadway.
132
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,685
No, I'm Max...
That's right.
133
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,807
- That's right.
- And might I say, Mr. Bialystock,
134
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,309
and please don't take this
the wrong way,
135
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,528
but you're not just
a dirty old man.
136
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,771
Thank you.
137
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,399
You're also
a great Broadway producer.
138
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:39,281
And there's something
about me you should know.
139
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,788
When I was a kid,
I had the good fortune
140
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:45,579
to be taken to
Bialyhoos of Forty-Two.
141
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,622
- Oh, Bialyhoos?
- Yes. Yes.
142
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,588
And I still have
the ticket stub.
143
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,422
- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.
144
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,960
And ever since,
I've had a secret desire
145
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,383
to be a Broadway producer.
146
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,307
A secret desire, huh?
147
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,765
Well, kid. Can I give you
a little advice?
148
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,603
- Yes, sir.
- Keep it a secret.
149
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,265
Do the books, please.
Top drawer to the left.
150
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,358
Oh, my God!
151
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,698
Will you look at that?
152
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:25,573
That's it, baby!
When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
153
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:31,378
Mr. Bialystock,
may I speak to you a minute?
154
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,084
- A minute?
- Yes.
155
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:34,832
- Just one minute?
- Yes.
156
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,085
- Okay.
- In glancing at your books...
157
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,586
- Go!
- I noticed that...
158
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,462
You have 58 seconds left.
You've wasted two seconds.
159
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,055
- You're gonna time it?
- Time is money.
160
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,050
Right. Well,
I looked at your books,
161
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,139
I looked at the columns marked
"Plays Received"...
162
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,684
- 48 seconds. 48 seconds left.
- And I can't make the figures...
163
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,056
- Hurry! Hurry!
- Mr. Bialystock,
164
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,273
there's a problem
with your figures.
165
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,359
Twenty-eight seconds.
You're running out of time.
166
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,852
- Tick-tock, tick-tock...
- I cannot...
167
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,526
- I cannot. I cannot...
- Fifteen seconds. Twelve.
168
00:10:57,532 --> 00:11:00,115
- I cannot function...
- 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
169
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:01,859
under these conditions.
170
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,704
- You're making me extremely nervous.
- I was...
171
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,370
- What is that, a handkerchief?
- What? This? No, this is...
172
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,164
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
173
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,539
Well, if it's nothing,
then why can't I see it?
174
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,417
My blanket!
My blue blanket!
175
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,095
Give me back
my blue blanket!
176
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,140
Give me my blanket!
177
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,678
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give me the blanket!
178
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,896
Give it to me.
Give it to me, please.
179
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,936
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give me the blanket.
180
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,854
- Here, here, here, here.
- Give it to me.
181
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,732
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Don't panic.
182
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:41,899
I... I'm sorry.
183
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:45,411
It's just that I don't like
anyone touching my blue blanket.
184
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:48,326
It's not important.
It's a minor compulsion.
185
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,617
I can deal with it
if I want to.
186
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:52,664
But I've had it
ever since I was a baby
187
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,791
and I find it very comforting.
188
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,466
I need to lie down
for a minute now.
189
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,761
They come here.
They all come here.
190
00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:09,601
How do they find me?
191
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:11,897
Hey, kid.
192
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,102
Hey. Yoo-hoo!
193
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,275
Look at this.
194
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:19,486
How can I help you?
195
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:20,605
What's wrong?
196
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,402
- You're gonna jump on me.
- What?
197
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,445
- You're gonna jump on me.
- No.
198
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,614
- I know you're gonna jump on me...
- No. Calm down.
199
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,112
- and squash me like a bug.
- Oh, God.
200
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:30,079
Please don't jump on me.
201
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,575
I'm not gonna jump on you.
I'm not gonna jump on you.
202
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,417
Get a hold of yourself.
Stop it. Stop it.
203
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,459
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
204
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:40,458
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
205
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,629
What's the matter now?
206
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,719
I'm hysterical.
I'm having hysterics.
207
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:47,305
I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.
208
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,893
I can see that. All right.
All right.
209
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,305
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Take it easy.
210
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:57,308
All right. I'm coming.
I'm coming now. All right.
211
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:07,075
I'm wet. I'm wet.
212
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,495
I'm hysterical and I'm wet.
213
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,035
I'm in pain.
214
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,493
I'm in pain, I'm wet
215
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,328
and I'm still hysterical.
216
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,540
All right, all right.
What can I do?
217
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:22,962
You're getting
me hysterical.
218
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,507
Well, move away. You'll frighten me.
You're too close.
219
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,845
- I frighten you?
- Yes, get over there
220
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:29,386
and stop touching all this.
Move over there, get over there
221
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,349
- and sit down.
- I'm sitting. I'm sitting.
222
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,977
You still look angry.
223
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,264
I'm sorry. How's this?
224
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,362
Who's my little accountant?
225
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,448
Who's my little accountant?
226
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,867
Are you my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?
227
00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:54,206
- I am the man.
- Are you my little accountant?
228
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,540
- I am.
- Yes, you are.
229
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:00,163
Well, thank you for smiling.
230
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,880
That helped a great deal.
231
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,715
Well, you know
what they say?
232
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,960
"Smile and the world
smiles with you."
233
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,346
This man should be
in a straitjacket.
234
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,468
- You feeling better?
- Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.
235
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:14,559
Good.
236
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:15,973
May I speak to you?
237
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,393
Yes, Prince Myshkin.
What can we do for you?
238
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:21,563
Well, this is hardly the time
for levity, Mr. Bialystock.
239
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,065
I've discovered
a serious error
240
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:26,029
in the accounts
of your last show,
241
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,819
- Funny Boy.
- Where? What?
242
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:31,990
Well, according to the backers list,
you raised $100,000
243
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,323
but your show
only cost $98,000.
244
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,416
There's $2,000
unaccounted for.
245
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:41,128
I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares? The show was a flop.
246
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:44,419
Bloom, do me a favor.
Move a few decimal points around.
247
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,166
You can do it,
you're an accountant.
248
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:48,169
You're part
of a noble profession.
249
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,466
The word "count"
is part of your title.
250
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:53,090
- That's cheating.
- It's not cheating.
251
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,558
It's charity.
252
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,186
Bloom,
253
00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:58,804
you see this stick pin?
254
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,606
This once held a pearl
as big as your eye.
255
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:05,068
I used to wear
handmade Italian shoes,
256
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,188
$500 suits.
257
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,652
And look at me now.
Look at me now!
258
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,068
I'm wearing
a cardboard belt.
259
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:20,542
Bloom. You gotta save me.
260
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:23,913
I'm reaching out to you.
Don't send me to prison.
261
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:28,463
Help me!
262
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,639
All right. All right.
263
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,508
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Really?
264
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,851
- Yes, I'll do it.
- Wow.
265
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:40,267
Let's see,
$2,000 isn't so much.
266
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,890
- I'm sure I can hide it someplace.
- Yeah.
267
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,564
Yeah. After all, the IRS isn't
interested in a show that flopped.
268
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,528
Right. Good thinking.
269
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:51,941
You figure it out.
I'm going to take a little nap.
270
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,610
Well, let's see.
271
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,454
Let's see, if we add up
these deductions we get,
272
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,411
carry the three,
divide by four...
273
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,835
Amazing.
274
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,338
It's absolutely amazing.
275
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,420
But under
the right circumstances,
276
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,760
a producer could make
more money with a flop
277
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:13,549
than he could with a hit.
278
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,764
Yes, it's quite possible.
279
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,224
If he were certain
that a show would fail,
280
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:20,264
a man could make
a fortune.
281
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,930
- Yes?
- Yes, what?
282
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,977
Yes what you were saying.
Keep talking.
283
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,065
What was I saying?
284
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,980
You were saying that under
the right circumstances,
285
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,478
a producer can make
more money with a flop
286
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,981
- than he could with a hit.
- Well, yes. It's quite possible.
287
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,278
You keep saying that,
but you don't say how.
288
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:37,824
Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.
289
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:42,162
Let's assume for a moment,
that you are a dishonest man.
290
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,410
- Assume away.
- All right.
291
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,083
When you produced
your last show, Funny Boy,
292
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:50,002
you raised $2,000
more than you needed.
293
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,001
But you could have raised
$1 million,
294
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,004
put on your $100,000 flop
and kept the rest.
295
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,973
- But what if my show was a hit?
- Well, then you would go to jail.
296
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,683
You see,
rather than 100% of the show,
297
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,928
you would have sold
more than 1,000%.
298
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:06,523
So if the show's a success,
there's no way to pay off the backers.
299
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,479
- Get it?
- Got it.
300
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:11,695
So in order for our scheme to work,
we'd have to find a surefire flop.
301
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,110
Our scheme?
What scheme?
302
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,028
"What scheme?"
303
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,994
Your scheme,
you bloody little genius!
304
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:20,203
I meant no scheme.
305
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,789
I merely posed a little academic
accounting theory.
306
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,658
- It was just a thought.
- Bloom.
307
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:28,086
Worlds are turned
on such thoughts.
308
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:32,257
Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.
309
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,546
It's so simple.
310
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,216
Step one, we find
the worst play ever written.
311
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,430
Step two, we hire
the worst director in town.
312
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:41,049
Step three,
I raise $2 million.
313
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,052
- Two?
- Yes. One for me, one for you.
314
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,894
There's a lot of little old ladies
out there.
315
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,390
Step four, we hire the worst actors
in New York and open on Broadway.
316
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,394
And before you can say "step five,"
we close on Broadway,
317
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,488
take our $2 million,
and go to Rio.
318
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,278
Rio? Oh, no,
that would never work.
319
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,948
Oh, ye of little faith
320
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,786
What did Lewis say to Clark
when everything looked bleak
321
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,250
What did Sir Edmund
say to Tenzing
322
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,540
As they struggled
toward Everest's peak
323
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,210
What did Washington
say to his troops
324
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,503
As they crossed
the Delaware
325
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:18,424
I'm sure you're well aware
326
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,842
What did they say?
327
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:25,346
We can do it
328
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:29,018
We can do it,
me and you
329
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:33,554
We can do it
330
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:37,110
We can make
our dreams come true
331
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,109
Everything
you've ever wanted
332
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,328
Is just waiting to be had
333
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:47,325
Beautiful girls
wearing nothing but pearls
334
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:50,294
Caressing you, undressing you
and driving you mad
335
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,377
No.
336
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:53,879
Bloom.
337
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,375
Bloom, wait a minute now.
Hear me out.
338
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,217
Just think about it.
339
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,315
We can do it, we can do it
340
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,655
This is not the time
to shirk
341
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,571
We can do it,
you won't rue it
342
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,949
Say goodbye
to petty clerk
343
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:28,540
Hi, producer!
Yes, producer
344
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:32,126
I mean you, sir,
go berserk
345
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:35,042
We can do it,
we can do it
346
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:40,052
And I know it's gonna work
347
00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:41,761
What do you say, Bloom?
348
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,180
What do I say?
349
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,517
Finally a chance
to be a Broadway producer
350
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,264
What do I say?
351
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:52,605
Finally a chance to make my dreams
come true, sir
352
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,772
What do I say?
What do I say?
353
00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:59,692
Here's what I say
to you, sir
354
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:04,447
I can't do it,
I can't do it
355
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:07,912
I can't do it,
that's not me
356
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:11,329
I'm a loser, I'm a coward
357
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,669
I'm a chicken,
don't you see?
358
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:17,540
When it
comes to wooing women
359
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,714
There's a few things
that I lack
360
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,714
Beautiful girls
wearing nothing but pearls
361
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,933
Chasing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack
362
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,804
Why you miserable, cowardly,
wretched, little caterpillar!
363
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,608
Don't you ever want
to become a butterfly?
364
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:40,570
Don't you want to spread your wings
and flap your way to glory?
365
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,689
No.
366
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,404
- Where to?
- Central Park.
367
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:50,451
Gotta breathe.
Gotta breathe.
368
00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:00,128
- We can do it, we can do it
- Mr. Bialystock, stop this song
369
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:03,172
- We can grab that Holy Grail
- You got me wrong, I say, "So long"
370
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,590
I'm not as strong a person
as you think
371
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,089
- We can do it. We can do it
- Mr. Bialystock, just take a look
372
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,261
- I'm not a crook, I'm just a schnook
- Drink champagne
373
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,260
- The bottom line is that I stink
- Not ginger ale
374
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,853
- Come on, Leo, can't you see, oh?
- I can't do it
375
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:17,725
You see Rio, I see jail
376
00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:19,101
Driver, stop!
377
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,281
Here.
378
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,621
We can do it
379
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,115
I can't do it
380
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,582
We can do it
381
00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,076
I can't do it
382
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:39,284
- We can do it
- I can't do it
383
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:42,632
- We can
- I cannot, cannot, cannot do it
384
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:47,471
'Cause I know
it's gonna fail
385
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:52,392
Fail? How can it miss?
All you need is a little courage.
386
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:56,013
Bloom, do you know what you are?
You're like a... You're like a...
387
00:21:57,191 --> 00:22:01,561
You're like a fountain waiting to explode
and shoot into the sky.
388
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:04,153
- I'm a fountain?
- Yes, you're a fountain.
389
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:05,488
Don't you realize
390
00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:08,154
there's a lot more to you
than there is to you?
391
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:13,413
Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made
a terrible error in judgment.
392
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,998
You've mistaken me
for someone with a spine.
393
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,660
I'm going back
to Whitehall & Marks now.
394
00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:20,003
- No.
- Goodbye forever.
395
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,338
Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute.
Bloom.
396
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:25,505
Think about it.
You'll never get a cab at this hour.
397
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:26,672
Bloom.
398
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,847
Oh, Lord. Dear Lord.
399
00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:38,680
I want that money.
400
00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:04,711
Unhappy, unhappy
401
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:08,176
Very unhappy
402
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:11,546
Unhappy, unhappy
403
00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:15,801
Very, very, very, very
very, very, very unhappy
404
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,266
Bloom.
405
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,694
Where the hell
have you been?
406
00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:28,279
You are six minutes late.
407
00:23:28,282 --> 00:23:30,990
This is an accounting firm,
not a country club.
408
00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:32,905
You can't come
and go as you please.
409
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,153
Yes, Mr. Marks.
410
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:37,201
Remember, you're a nobody.
411
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:41,326
A PA, a public accountant.
412
00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:45,456
And I am a CPA,
a certified public accountant.
413
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,719
A rank a miserable
little worm like yourself
414
00:23:50,721 --> 00:23:53,304
- could never hope to achieve.
- Yes, Mr. Marks.
415
00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:56,050
- Thank you for speaking to me.
- You're welcome.
416
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:58,343
What are you gawking at?
417
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:01,138
You never saw
a person humiliated before?
418
00:24:01,148 --> 00:24:04,061
Now get back to work.
All of you.
419
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:08,440
Unhappy, unhappy
420
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:13,283
Very, very, very, very
very, very, very unhappy
421
00:24:13,494 --> 00:24:14,494
Boo!
422
00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:24,669
I spend my life accounting
423
00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:27,460
With figures and such
424
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:28,547
Unhappy
425
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:31,509
To what is
my life amounting
426
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:34,004
It figures not much
427
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,300
Unhappy
428
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:38,266
I have a secret desire
429
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:41,512
Hiding deep in my soul
430
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:45,098
It sets my heart afire
431
00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:46,600
To see me
432
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:51,025
In this role
433
00:24:59,081 --> 00:25:02,245
I wanna be a producer
434
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:06,120
With a hit show
on Broadway
435
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:09,089
I wanna be a producer
436
00:25:09,091 --> 00:25:12,755
Lunch at Sardi's every day
437
00:25:13,095 --> 00:25:15,883
I wanna be a producer
438
00:25:15,889 --> 00:25:19,803
Sport a top hat and a cane
439
00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,894
I wanna be a producer
440
00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:26,105
And drive those
chorus girls insane
441
00:25:45,586 --> 00:25:48,750
I wanna be a producer
442
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:52,591
And sleep
until half past two
443
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:55,301
I wanna be a producer
444
00:25:55,304 --> 00:26:00,265
And see you, you, you
Not you
445
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,346
I wanna be a producer
446
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:10,771
Wear a tux
on opening night
447
00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:18,275
I wanna be a producer
448
00:26:18,285 --> 00:26:21,119
And see my name
"Leo Bloom" in lights
449
00:27:26,854 --> 00:27:29,972
He wants to be a producer
450
00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:33,146
Of a great
big Broadway smash
451
00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:37,150
He wants to be a producer
452
00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:40,490
Every pocket stuffed
with cash
453
00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:44,369
He wants to be a producer
454
00:27:44,371 --> 00:27:46,863
Pinch our cheeks
till we cry
455
00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:49,870
Oh, yes!
456
00:27:50,544 --> 00:27:53,332
He wants to be a producer
457
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:56,046
With a great big
casting couch
458
00:28:34,922 --> 00:28:38,245
- I wanna be
- He wants to be
459
00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,922
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
and most fabulous producer
460
00:28:41,929 --> 00:28:45,388
In the world
461
00:28:46,099 --> 00:28:49,342
He wants to dine
with a duchess and a duke
462
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:53,605
I just got to be
a producer
463
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:56,224
Drink champagne
until I puke
464
00:28:56,235 --> 00:28:58,067
Drink champagne
till he pukes!
465
00:28:58,070 --> 00:29:00,312
I wanna be a producer
466
00:29:00,322 --> 00:29:03,315
Show the world
just what I got
467
00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:06,113
I'm gonna put on shows
468
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:08,111
That will enthrall them
469
00:29:08,121 --> 00:29:11,034
Read my name
in Winchell's column
470
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:15,285
I wanna be a producer
471
00:29:25,806 --> 00:29:30,597
'Cause it's everything
I'm not
472
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,811
Unhappy, unhappy
473
00:29:33,814 --> 00:29:36,602
I wanna be a producer
474
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,021
Very, very unhappy
475
00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:41,110
Unhappy
476
00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:43,696
I wanna be a producer
477
00:29:43,865 --> 00:29:45,982
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Very, very unhappy
478
00:29:45,993 --> 00:29:48,610
- Hold everything. Hold everything.
- Unhappy
479
00:29:49,079 --> 00:29:50,786
What am I doing here?
480
00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,781
Mr. Bialystock was right.
481
00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:55,658
There is a lot more to me
than there is to me.
482
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:59,879
Stop the world,
I wanna get on.
483
00:30:02,426 --> 00:30:04,668
What the hell is
going on in here?
484
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:09,302
Do I smell the revolting stench
of self-esteem?
485
00:30:10,183 --> 00:30:12,766
Bloom, where do you think
you're going?
486
00:30:13,145 --> 00:30:15,262
You've already had
your toilet break!
487
00:30:16,857 --> 00:30:18,769
I'm not going
into the toilet.
488
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:21,150
I'm going
into show business.
489
00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:24,654
And Mr. Marks,
I have news for you. I quit!
490
00:30:25,741 --> 00:30:28,324
And you're right about
one thing. You are a CPA,
491
00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:31,536
- a certified public asshole.
- Hurray!
492
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:33,154
Here's my visor,
493
00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:36,078
my Dixon Ticonderoga
No. 2 pencil
494
00:30:36,084 --> 00:30:38,497
and my big finish.
495
00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:42,664
I'm gonna be a producer
496
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:45,007
He's gonna be a producer
497
00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:47,969
Look out Broadway
498
00:30:48,305 --> 00:30:53,141
For here I come
499
00:31:08,909 --> 00:31:12,698
Mr. Bialystock,
Mr. Bialystock, I'm back!
500
00:31:13,038 --> 00:31:15,075
I'm back.
I've changed my mind.
501
00:31:16,083 --> 00:31:18,496
Boy, you are good.
502
00:31:18,919 --> 00:31:21,878
- Who are you talking to?
- Never mind, just an old friend.
503
00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:25,840
- What happened?
- Just this. Just this.
504
00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:29,176
When I said that I was scared
that I was going to go to jail,
505
00:31:29,179 --> 00:31:33,093
I didn't realize
that I already was in jail.
506
00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:36,184
I've spent my life
counting other people's money.
507
00:31:36,186 --> 00:31:39,645
People I'm smarter than.
Better than.
508
00:31:39,940 --> 00:31:43,559
When's Leopold Bloom
going to get his share?
509
00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:45,560
When is it going to be
Bloom's Day?
510
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:48,070
I want...
I want...
511
00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:54,611
I want everything
I've ever seen in the movies.
512
00:31:56,248 --> 00:31:59,912
And Leo, you're gonna
have it 'cause...
513
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:04,208
- We can do it, we can do it
- I'm gonna be a producer
514
00:32:04,214 --> 00:32:07,582
Say goodbye
to woe and gloom
515
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:10,801
- With the millions and the zillions
- I'm gonna be a producer
516
00:32:10,804 --> 00:32:14,093
Up together we will zoom
517
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:17,342
We can do it, we can do it
518
00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:20,811
Every show I touch,
I doom
519
00:32:20,814 --> 00:32:24,228
We were fated to be mated
520
00:32:24,234 --> 00:32:29,070
We're Bialystock
and Bloom
521
00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:49,211
Max. Oh, Max,
let's give up.
522
00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:50,924
I can't read anymore.
523
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,670
How many plays
can a person read?
524
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:56,673
Stop complaining.
We have to find the worst play ever written.
525
00:32:56,683 --> 00:32:58,891
- I've been reading all night.
- Who cares?
526
00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:01,728
You wanna be a producer,
read, read, keep reading.
527
00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:07,934
Here's one. Act 1, Scene 1.
528
00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:10,691
"Gregor Samsa
awoke one morning
529
00:33:10,697 --> 00:33:14,862
"to discover that he had been
transformed into a giant cockroach."
530
00:33:16,745 --> 00:33:18,031
Nah, too good.
531
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:26,119
"But how could you see me?
The glass was frosted..."
532
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:30,255
Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
I've read this before.
533
00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:34,127
I think I've read this one.
What's it called, what's it called?
534
00:33:34,596 --> 00:33:36,508
"The Frosted Glass."
535
00:33:36,515 --> 00:33:39,007
Max, I'm reading plays
that I read last night, Max.
536
00:33:39,017 --> 00:33:41,725
I can't go on anymore.
It's too much.
537
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:44,641
Let's face it,
we'll never find it.
538
00:33:53,323 --> 00:33:56,566
We'll never find it?
We'll never find it, huh?
539
00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:59,785
We'll never find it, huh?
We'll never find it, huh?
540
00:33:59,788 --> 00:34:02,246
Leo, Leo, see it?
541
00:34:02,249 --> 00:34:05,538
Smell it, touch it, kiss it.
Kiss it!
542
00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:07,869
It's the mother lode.
543
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:09,495
What is it?
You found a flop?
544
00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,748
"A flop."
That's putting it mildly.
545
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:15,001
This is a catastrophe.
A disaster.
546
00:34:15,011 --> 00:34:18,595
Certain to offend peoples
of all races, creeds and religions.
547
00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:22,091
A guaranteed-
to-close-in-one-night beauty.
548
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,934
- Well, let's see it.
- Yeah.
549
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:29,731
"Springtime for Hitler."
550
00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:34,229
"A gay romp with Eva
and Adolf at Berchtesgaden."
551
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:37,573
Oh, my God.
552
00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:40,610
"Oh, my God" is right.
553
00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:43,112
It's practically
a love letter to Hitler.
554
00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:47,576
- Max, this won't run a week.
- A week? Are you kidding?
555
00:34:47,586 --> 00:34:51,330
This play has got
to close on page 4.
556
00:34:51,339 --> 00:34:53,171
What's the author's name
again?
557
00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:57,464
Franz Liebkind, 61 Jane Street,
New York, New York.
558
00:34:57,470 --> 00:35:00,929
Franz Liebkind,
61 Jane Street.
559
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:05,472
Let's go. We'll get the Broadway rights
to Springtime for Hitler
560
00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:07,936
even if we have to go
as far as to pay him.
561
00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:09,813
Come on.
562
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:13,150
This other hat, Max,
may I wear it?
563
00:35:13,153 --> 00:35:15,019
- No, you may not.
- Why?
564
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:19,277
Because, that is
a Broadway producer's hat.
565
00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:22,534
And you don't get to wear
a Broadway producer's hat, son,
566
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,654
until you're
a Broadway producer.
567
00:35:24,998 --> 00:35:26,990
And you're not a Broadway producer,
until you...
568
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:30,584
I know, I know.
Until I've produced a show on Broadway.
569
00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:34,206
But, I'm going to wear that hat,
and soon, too, 'cause...
570
00:35:34,466 --> 00:35:37,834
We're gonna be
the producers
571
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:41,508
Of a great big
Broadway flop
572
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:54,396
Ja, ja, my lieblings.
573
00:35:55,695 --> 00:35:57,027
Let me grab you, ja.
574
00:35:57,781 --> 00:35:59,818
We have work to do.
575
00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:01,531
Hilda, my darling,
576
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:04,242
here, I have written
an important message
577
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:07,784
which must reach
Ernst Schlongdorf,
578
00:36:08,333 --> 00:36:12,327
29 West Santiago Boulevard,
579
00:36:12,545 --> 00:36:15,162
Buenos Aires, Argentina.
580
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:19,258
AQAP. As quick as possible!
581
00:36:22,389 --> 00:36:25,223
Fly, Hilda, fly.
582
00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:28,767
Hilda, where are you going?
583
00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:31,228
Argentina is that way.
584
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:34,147
Okay, chow time.
585
00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:42,858
Yummy, yummy, yummy,
goes right into your belly.
586
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:45,905
It's just a hunch,
but I'm betting this is our man.
587
00:36:45,912 --> 00:36:50,577
Max, he's wearing
a German helmet and lederhosen.
588
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,621
Yeah, I know. Don't notice.
Don't notice anything.
589
00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:56,712
Always look straight ahead.
Remember, we need that play.
590
00:36:58,717 --> 00:36:59,924
Franz Liebkind?
591
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:04,303
I was never a member
of the Nazi party.
592
00:37:04,305 --> 00:37:08,265
I only followed orders.
I had nothing to do with the war.
593
00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:10,802
I didn't even know
there was a war on.
594
00:37:11,563 --> 00:37:14,931
We lived in the back,
right across from Switzerland.
595
00:37:15,275 --> 00:37:17,437
All we ever heard
was yodeling.
596
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:26,275
Who are you?
597
00:37:26,286 --> 00:37:29,279
Relax, Mr. Liebkind.
We're not from the government.
598
00:37:29,289 --> 00:37:31,827
We're producers,
Bialystock and Bloom,
599
00:37:31,833 --> 00:37:33,290
here to talk to you
about your play.
600
00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:34,659
- My play?
- Mmm-hmm.
601
00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:36,786
You mean,
Springtime for...
602
00:37:37,714 --> 00:37:39,080
You-know-who?
603
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:41,798
- That's the one.
- What about it?
604
00:37:41,801 --> 00:37:43,633
We love it.
Don't we love it? We love it.
605
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:47,129
- We think it's a masterpiece.
- We want to put it on Broadway.
606
00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:48,176
Broadway?
607
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,181
Oh, joy of joys.
608
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,473
Dream of dreams.
I can't believe it.
609
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,563
- I must tell my birds.
- Tell your birds.
610
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:59,855
Otto, Bertha,
Heinz, Heidi, Wolfgang...
611
00:38:00,195 --> 00:38:01,561
Adolf.
612
00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:03,896
Do you hear?
613
00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:08,029
We are finally going
to clear the Fuehrer's name.
614
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:11,028
Broadway!
615
00:38:12,165 --> 00:38:14,953
You know,
not many people know this
616
00:38:14,959 --> 00:38:18,043
but the Fuehrer
was a terrific dancer.
617
00:38:18,046 --> 00:38:21,835
Really? Gee, we didn't know that,
did we, Leo?
618
00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:23,002
No, no, we sure didn't.
619
00:38:23,009 --> 00:38:26,298
That is because you were
taken in by the BBC.
620
00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:29,718
Filthy, British lies.
621
00:38:30,183 --> 00:38:34,268
But did they ever say a bad word
about Winston Churchill?
622
00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:36,641
Churchill.
623
00:38:38,066 --> 00:38:40,900
With his cigars,
with his brandy
624
00:38:40,902 --> 00:38:44,020
and his rotten paintings.
Rotten.
625
00:38:44,614 --> 00:38:47,482
Hitler, there was
a painter.
626
00:38:47,909 --> 00:38:52,028
He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon. Two coats.
627
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,330
Yes, yes.
628
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:58,497
Yes, of course he could,
Mr. Liebkind,
629
00:38:58,503 --> 00:39:01,086
and that is exactly why
we want to produce your play.
630
00:39:01,089 --> 00:39:04,503
Show the world the true Hitler,
the Hitler you loved.
631
00:39:04,509 --> 00:39:08,469
The Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.
632
00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:11,589
Here, Franz Liebkind,
sign here
633
00:39:11,599 --> 00:39:13,636
and make
your dream a reality.
634
00:39:13,643 --> 00:39:15,100
- Nein.
- Nein?
635
00:39:15,103 --> 00:39:16,719
- No.
- That's what "nein" means.
636
00:39:17,313 --> 00:39:20,932
First, you must prove to me
that you believe as I believe
637
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:24,602
by joining with me
and singing and dancing
638
00:39:24,612 --> 00:39:28,105
the Fuehrer's favorite tune,
"Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
639
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,611
I know.
640
00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:33,611
- Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop?
- Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.
641
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:35,453
Oh, no, I could never sing
the Fuehrer's favorite...
642
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:37,448
- Delighted, delighted.
- Song.
643
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,450
Shut up, he's almost ready
to sign.
644
00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:42,707
All right, first you will
roll up your pants.
645
00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:48,092
- Rolling, rolling.
- Rolling, rolling.
646
00:39:48,094 --> 00:39:50,006
Come on, don't be
stingy, show some leg.
647
00:39:50,013 --> 00:39:51,879
- Alrighty, good.
- Good.
648
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:53,677
- Key of E?
- Is there any other?
649
00:39:58,313 --> 00:40:00,145
Guten Tag hop hop
650
00:40:00,148 --> 00:40:01,980
Guten Tag clop clop
651
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,813
Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!
652
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,644
Guten Tag clap clap
653
00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:09,647
Guten Tag slap slap
654
00:40:09,657 --> 00:40:12,400
Ach du lieber
What a joy!
655
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:17,030
Oh, wir essen und fressen
Und tanzen und trinken
656
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:20,784
Tanzen und trinken
Until we get stinking
657
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:21,874
Everybody.
658
00:40:21,878 --> 00:40:23,665
Guten Tag hop hop
659
00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:25,663
Guten Tag clop clop
660
00:40:25,673 --> 00:40:28,381
Guten Tag,
mein lieber Schatz
661
00:40:29,177 --> 00:40:31,169
So we hop our hops
662
00:40:31,179 --> 00:40:33,171
Und we clop our clops
663
00:40:33,181 --> 00:40:36,549
Und we drink our Schnapps
Till we platz
664
00:40:37,727 --> 00:40:39,309
You will sway
665
00:40:40,897 --> 00:40:43,059
We will sway
666
00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:52,773
Follow me.
667
00:40:53,242 --> 00:40:54,323
Very good.
668
00:41:10,385 --> 00:41:13,048
- Handschlagspiel.
- Whatever you say.
669
00:41:14,555 --> 00:41:17,047
This is a tricky one
670
00:41:32,573 --> 00:41:36,567
Oh, the hop-clop.
It's been so long.
671
00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:43,790
Sort of a Nazi hoedown.
672
00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,005
Gentlemen, you may produce
my play.
673
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:58,384
Excellent, excellent.
Here we are. Here.
674
00:42:00,018 --> 00:42:03,511
But only if you take
the Siegfried Oath.
675
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,854
The Siegfried Oath?
What's that?
676
00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:09,271
The pledge of eternal allegiance
to our beloved Fuehrer.
677
00:42:09,277 --> 00:42:10,643
Never
678
00:42:10,653 --> 00:42:12,815
- took that oath before.
- Good.
679
00:42:13,031 --> 00:42:16,820
One for me, one for you,
and one for you.
680
00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:19,159
Never had one
of those on before.
681
00:42:19,162 --> 00:42:21,119
- Thanks very much.
- You're welcome.
682
00:42:21,122 --> 00:42:22,533
Nice colors.
683
00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:24,782
Look, reversible.
684
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:26,875
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- Max.
685
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:29,961
Max, we never
should have started this.
686
00:42:29,964 --> 00:42:32,251
I think we're getting in
too deep.
687
00:42:32,425 --> 00:42:34,667
Too deep? This is nothing.
688
00:42:34,677 --> 00:42:37,135
I'll tell you
when we're getting in too deep.
689
00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,258
All right.
690
00:42:39,265 --> 00:42:43,805
First, you raise your right forefinger
und repeat after me.
691
00:42:44,145 --> 00:42:46,979
I solemnly swear...
692
00:42:47,482 --> 00:42:50,771
I solemnly swear.
693
00:42:50,777 --> 00:42:53,815
To obey
the sacred Siegfried Oath.
694
00:42:54,197 --> 00:42:57,361
To obey the sacred
Siegfried Oath.
695
00:42:57,867 --> 00:42:58,983
Und...
696
00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:01,110
- Und...
- Und.
697
00:43:01,496 --> 00:43:05,991
- Never, never, never...
- Never, never, never.
698
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:12,288
Dishonor the spirit
und the memory
699
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:14,756
of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
700
00:43:15,218 --> 00:43:17,961
Dishonor the spirit
and the...
701
00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,004
Elizabeth?
702
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:23,177
Ja, that was
his middle name.
703
00:43:24,060 --> 00:43:26,097
Not many people know this
704
00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:30,724
but the Fuehrer was descended
from a long line of English queens.
705
00:43:36,823 --> 00:43:38,189
Is that right?
706
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:41,073
Yes.
707
00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:44,362
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
708
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:47,034
Good, now I sign
your contract.
709
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:49,909
Excellent, excellent.
Oh, here we are.
710
00:43:49,919 --> 00:43:52,081
Right here
on the dotted line.
711
00:43:52,505 --> 00:43:54,667
There you are.
You shall never regret this.
712
00:43:54,674 --> 00:43:57,508
So, thank you, Herr Liebkind.
Alrighty then.
713
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:00,548
- Thank you.
- Very good.
714
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:04,844
Let it go, let it go.
715
00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:06,224
Halt!
716
00:44:06,978 --> 00:44:08,560
I forgot to tell you.
717
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:13,724
The penalty for breaking
the Siegfried Oath
718
00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:15,817
is death.
719
00:44:16,779 --> 00:44:20,022
Dess? Is that anything
like death?
720
00:44:20,825 --> 00:44:22,066
Yes.
721
00:44:24,370 --> 00:44:25,531
Sorry to hear that.
722
00:44:25,538 --> 00:44:29,122
Don't worry. We'll iron out
all these thorny details over strudel.
723
00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:31,958
Ta-ta, big guy.
Here we go.
724
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,748
We're trapped, trapped.
725
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:41,631
Got it. Let's have lunch.
726
00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:47,637
What nice guys.
727
00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:49,427
Broadway.
728
00:44:49,979 --> 00:44:52,813
I haven't been so happy
since we crushed Poland.
729
00:44:57,361 --> 00:45:00,570
Hello, the living room
of renowned theatrical director,
730
00:45:00,573 --> 00:45:03,737
Roger De Bris' elegant
upper-east side town house
731
00:45:03,743 --> 00:45:06,451
on a sunny,
Tuesday afternoon in June.
732
00:45:07,163 --> 00:45:08,825
Who may I say is calling?
733
00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:12,575
Listen, you broken-down
old queen,
734
00:45:12,585 --> 00:45:14,998
he was drunk, he was hot,
you got lucky.
735
00:45:15,004 --> 00:45:16,666
Don't ever call here again.
736
00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:18,834
- Who was that?
- Wrong number.
737
00:45:28,851 --> 00:45:30,934
Yes?
738
00:45:56,712 --> 00:45:59,204
Well, hi, there.
739
00:45:59,215 --> 00:46:00,797
I am Max Bialystock
740
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:02,883
and this is my associate
Mr. Bloom.
741
00:46:02,885 --> 00:46:04,046
We have an appointment
742
00:46:04,053 --> 00:46:06,466
with renowned
theatrical director Roger De Bris.
743
00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:09,180
Yes, yes, please come in.
Please.
744
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:10,594
- Thank you.
- Yes.
745
00:46:21,404 --> 00:46:23,487
I am Carmen Ghia.
746
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:26,694
Mr. De Bris'
common-law assistant.
747
00:46:27,535 --> 00:46:28,776
You are expected.
748
00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:39,920
May I take your hat,
your coat and your swastikas?
749
00:46:41,882 --> 00:46:43,248
Oh, these...
750
00:46:44,510 --> 00:46:47,674
We just came from this big rally.
Everybody was wearing them.
751
00:46:50,141 --> 00:46:51,882
Why didn't you tell me
we still had those on?
752
00:46:51,892 --> 00:46:54,305
I didn't notice them.
You told me to look straight ahead,
753
00:46:54,312 --> 00:46:56,975
- you remember that?
- All right, let's not fight, okay?
754
00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:04,148
Oh, Roger...
755
00:47:04,989 --> 00:47:07,356
We're not alone.
756
00:47:19,378 --> 00:47:22,542
Here's Roger.
757
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:30,546
Max, he's wearing a dress.
758
00:47:30,556 --> 00:47:31,797
No kidding.
759
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:33,970
Oh, Roger,
good to see you again.
760
00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:36,434
Messieurs Bialystock
and Bloom, I presume?
761
00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,520
Forgive the pun.
762
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,521
- What pun?
- Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
763
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:48,147
Roger, may I say, you look gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
764
00:47:49,492 --> 00:47:52,985
By the way, Max, darling, we loved
Funny Boy, didn't we, Carmen?
765
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:54,076
Oh, worshipped it.
766
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,367
To be or not to be
you mean a lot to me
767
00:47:56,374 --> 00:47:58,081
- Show stopper.
- Fabulous.
768
00:47:59,418 --> 00:48:02,877
Oh, dear, your Mr. Bloom
is staring at my gown.
769
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,496
Oh, well, I...
770
00:48:04,507 --> 00:48:07,750
I should explain. I'm going
to the choreographer's ball this evening.
771
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:09,672
There is a prize
for best costume.
772
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:11,214
We always win.
773
00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:12,804
I'm not so sure
about this year.
774
00:48:13,557 --> 00:48:16,425
I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia.
775
00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,219
But I think I look
more like the Chrysler Building.
776
00:48:20,856 --> 00:48:23,519
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
without your wig on,
777
00:48:23,526 --> 00:48:25,438
you're only half-dressed.
778
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:28,812
Well, then,
why don't you go and get it,
779
00:48:28,823 --> 00:48:31,782
oh, Wicked Witch of the West?
780
00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:37,704
If your intention was
781
00:48:37,706 --> 00:48:40,949
to shoot an arrow
through my heart...
782
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:44,456
Bull's-eye!
783
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:52,761
Oh, Roger, let's face it.
That building is you.
784
00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:55,630
Listen, I know
we sent it to you only this morning,
785
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:58,258
but, did you get a chance yet to read
Springtime for Hitler?
786
00:48:58,269 --> 00:49:00,386
Read it? I devoured it.
787
00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:03,271
And I find it remarkable.
Remarkable!
788
00:49:03,274 --> 00:49:05,391
I feel it is a very
important piece
789
00:49:05,401 --> 00:49:07,484
drenched with historical goodies.
790
00:49:07,486 --> 00:49:10,854
I, for one, for instance,
never realized that the Third Reich
791
00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:11,981
meant Germany.
792
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,525
Yeah, how about that?
Then you'll do it?
793
00:49:15,536 --> 00:49:18,449
Do it? Of course not.
It's not my kind of thing.
794
00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:22,917
I mean, Max, please,
World War II, too dark,
795
00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:24,376
too depressing.
796
00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:27,416
The theater's so obsessed
with drama so depressed
797
00:49:27,423 --> 00:49:30,211
It's hard to sell
a ticket on Broadway
798
00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:32,380
Shows should be
more pretty
799
00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,252
Shows should be
more witty
800
00:49:34,263 --> 00:49:37,927
Shows should be more
What's the word?
801
00:49:38,392 --> 00:49:40,975
- Gay?
- Exactly.
802
00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:45,564
No matter what you do
on the stage
803
00:49:45,566 --> 00:49:49,059
Keep it light,
keep it bright, keep it gay
804
00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:53,063
Whether it's murder,
mayhem or rage
805
00:49:53,073 --> 00:49:55,065
Don't complain,
it's a pain
806
00:49:55,284 --> 00:49:57,241
Keep it gay
807
00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:01,113
People want laughter
when they see a show
808
00:50:01,123 --> 00:50:04,616
The last thing they're after
is a litany of woe
809
00:50:04,627 --> 00:50:08,667
A happy ending
will pep up your play
810
00:50:08,672 --> 00:50:10,413
Oedipus won't bomb
811
00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:12,256
If he winds up with Mom
812
00:50:12,259 --> 00:50:13,841
- Keep it gay
- Keep it gay
813
00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:16,131
Keep it gay
814
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:19,798
Couldn't agree more and
you have our blessings, Roger
815
00:50:19,808 --> 00:50:22,141
to make Springtime for Hitler
just as
816
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:24,181
gay as anyone could
possibly want.
817
00:50:24,188 --> 00:50:25,770
So, come on,
do it for us, please.
818
00:50:25,773 --> 00:50:28,231
I'm sorry, Max,
it's simply not my cup of tea.
819
00:50:28,984 --> 00:50:31,772
Still, fair is fair.
820
00:50:31,779 --> 00:50:34,317
Perhaps I should ask
my production team what they think.
821
00:50:34,323 --> 00:50:36,815
- Your production team, who are they?
- You'll see.
822
00:50:36,825 --> 00:50:38,361
They all live here.
823
00:50:38,369 --> 00:50:41,612
Guys, come say "Hello"
to Bialystock and Bloom.
824
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:45,411
- This is my set designer, Bryan.
- Hello.
825
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:48,956
Keep it mad
keep it glad, keep it gay
826
00:50:48,963 --> 00:50:53,128
- Here's my costume designer, Kevin.
- Hello.
827
00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:56,717
Keep it happy
keep it snappy, keep it gay
828
00:50:56,887 --> 00:51:00,676
We're clever, creative
it's ourjob to see
829
00:51:00,683 --> 00:51:04,597
That everything's perfect
for Mr. De Bris
830
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:08,187
- Scott, my choreographer.
- Hi, there.
831
00:51:24,832 --> 00:51:27,870
And now finally,
last and least,
832
00:51:27,876 --> 00:51:31,119
my lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.
833
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:36,299
Keep it gay, keep it gay
834
00:51:36,302 --> 00:51:39,511
Keep it gay
835
00:51:43,601 --> 00:51:45,763
Now, they all
just read Springtime.
836
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:47,180
What did you think of it,
fellows?
837
00:51:47,187 --> 00:51:49,349
- It needs glamour
- And glitz
838
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,723
- It needs sequins
- And tits
839
00:51:52,735 --> 00:51:56,524
Leo, Leo,
I think we're losing them.
840
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:59,773
Go say something nice to Roger.
I think he likes you.
841
00:51:59,783 --> 00:52:02,992
- But, Max...
- Go on, it's just showbiz.
842
00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:11,792
Mr. De Bris? Roger?
843
00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:16,006
Roger, actually,
I think your gown is very stunning.
844
00:52:16,008 --> 00:52:19,501
Why, thank you,
Mr. Bloom. Leo.
845
00:52:19,511 --> 00:52:20,797
Mmm.
846
00:52:21,055 --> 00:52:23,718
What is that enchanting cologne
you're wearing?
847
00:52:23,724 --> 00:52:25,932
Me? I'm not wearing
any cologne.
848
00:52:25,934 --> 00:52:28,642
You mean that smell is you?
849
00:52:29,313 --> 00:52:31,225
Oh, God.
850
00:52:31,607 --> 00:52:33,064
If I could bottle you,
851
00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:37,186
I'd shove you
under my armpits every day.
852
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:49,864
Oh, Max. Max, we never
should have started this.
853
00:52:49,875 --> 00:52:51,741
I think we're getting in
too deep.
854
00:52:51,752 --> 00:52:54,039
Too deep? This is nothing.
855
00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:56,129
I'll tell you when we're
getting in too deep.
856
00:52:56,757 --> 00:53:01,422
And, so, the rule is
when mounting a play
857
00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:05,843
Keep it funny
keep it sunny, keep it gay
858
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,967
- What should we do?
- Relax. Watch this.
859
00:53:09,895 --> 00:53:10,976
Roger...
860
00:53:13,524 --> 00:53:15,390
I think that
Springtime for Hitler
861
00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,438
would be
a marvelous opportunity for you.
862
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:20,232
I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with...
863
00:53:20,239 --> 00:53:22,526
Dare I say it,
frivolous musicals.
864
00:53:22,533 --> 00:53:23,694
You're right.
865
00:53:23,701 --> 00:53:26,364
I've often felt as though
I've been throwing my life away
866
00:53:26,370 --> 00:53:27,827
on silly entertainments.
867
00:53:27,830 --> 00:53:30,823
Dopey showgirls
in gooey gowns.
868
00:53:30,833 --> 00:53:33,701
"Two, three, kick, turn,
turn, turn, kick, turn..."
869
00:53:33,711 --> 00:53:35,452
- Roger.
- It's enough to make you heave.
870
00:53:35,462 --> 00:53:39,126
Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max.
I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.
871
00:53:39,133 --> 00:53:41,125
- Why not? Think of the respect.
- No.
872
00:53:41,135 --> 00:53:42,842
- Think of the prestige.
- No, no, no.
873
00:53:42,845 --> 00:53:44,677
Think of the Tony.
874
00:53:45,431 --> 00:53:49,175
Tony, Tony, Tony,
Tony, Tony
875
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,267
- What's the matter?
- Is he all right?
876
00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:52,681
- He's having a stroke...
- What?
877
00:53:52,688 --> 00:53:53,804
of genius!
878
00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:55,225
I see it at last
879
00:53:55,232 --> 00:53:57,144
The chance to do
something important
880
00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:00,895
Roger De Bris
presents history
881
00:54:00,904 --> 00:54:03,066
Of course that whole second act
has to be re-written.
882
00:54:03,073 --> 00:54:06,111
They're losing the war? Excuse me?
That's too down beat.
883
00:54:06,410 --> 00:54:09,994
Roger De Bris
presents history
884
00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,363
But maybe...
885
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:15,579
It's a wild idea,
but it just might work.
886
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:19,545
I see
887
00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:23,921
A line
888
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:26,886
Of beautiful girl
889
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:28,130
Dressed as storm troopers
890
00:54:28,140 --> 00:54:29,551
Each one a gem
891
00:54:29,975 --> 00:54:33,184
With leather boots
and whips on their hip
892
00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:35,600
It's risque,
dare I say, S and M
893
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:36,813
Love it!
894
00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:39,523
I see German soldiers
dancing through fans
895
00:54:39,526 --> 00:54:42,360
Played by chorus boys
in very tight pants
896
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:44,149
And wait, there's more
897
00:54:44,156 --> 00:54:45,647
They win the war
898
00:54:45,657 --> 00:54:49,071
And the dances they do
will be daring and new
899
00:54:49,077 --> 00:54:51,945
Turn, turn, kick, turn, turn, kick turn,
one, two, three, kick, turn
900
00:54:51,955 --> 00:54:54,572
Keep it sassy
keep it classy, keep it
901
00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:56,870
That is brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant.
902
00:54:56,877 --> 00:54:59,415
I speak for Mr. Bloom
and myself, Roger,
903
00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:01,708
when I say that
you are the only man in the world
904
00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:04,753
who can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler.
905
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:06,376
- Will you do it, please?
- Please?
906
00:55:06,386 --> 00:55:08,844
Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.
907
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,930
It might affect
the course of my entire life.
908
00:55:10,933 --> 00:55:13,550
I shall have to think
about it. I'll do it.
909
00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:16,974
I'll do it
910
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:19,313
Sabu, champagne!
911
00:55:19,316 --> 00:55:22,935
If at the end
you want them to cheer
912
00:55:22,945 --> 00:55:25,653
Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay
913
00:55:25,656 --> 00:55:29,195
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear
914
00:55:29,201 --> 00:55:32,820
Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay
915
00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:35,823
Comedy's joyous,
a constant delight
916
00:55:35,833 --> 00:55:37,369
Dramas annoy us
917
00:55:37,376 --> 00:55:38,492
And ruin our night
918
00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:41,916
So keep your Strindbergs
and Ibsens at bay
919
00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:43,163
I'll sign
920
00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:44,755
- Sign
- Sign
921
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:45,839
Sign
922
00:55:45,843 --> 00:55:47,050
Sign
923
00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:48,543
Sign
924
00:55:48,554 --> 00:55:50,841
Roger Elizabeth De Bris
925
00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:55,764
Keep it gay!
926
00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,064
Conga!
927
00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:12,241
So the rule is
when mounting a play
928
00:56:12,244 --> 00:56:17,035
Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay!
929
00:56:24,548 --> 00:56:27,336
Exclusive Broadway rights
to the worst show ever written
930
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:30,710
and a signed contract
with the worst director who ever lived.
931
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:32,678
We're in business.
932
00:56:34,808 --> 00:56:36,470
And what a business.
933
00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:39,385
In the same day,
I'm taking the Siegfried Oath
934
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:42,810
and dancing the conga,
with a cop, a sailor
935
00:56:42,816 --> 00:56:45,559
and an extremely friendly
Cherokee Indian.
936
00:56:45,903 --> 00:56:47,735
Yeah. Oh, well.
937
00:56:48,614 --> 00:56:50,776
It's not easy being
a Broadway producer...
938
00:56:50,782 --> 00:56:52,273
- Nope.
- but together we'll make it.
939
00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:54,613
Partners, Leo.
Partners all the way
940
00:56:54,620 --> 00:56:56,612
and nothing or no one
will ever come between us.
941
00:56:56,622 --> 00:56:58,454
Nothing or no one, Max.
942
00:56:59,625 --> 00:57:00,786
Come in.
943
00:57:03,128 --> 00:57:04,790
Bialystock and Bloom?
944
00:57:08,926 --> 00:57:10,007
What?
945
00:57:10,010 --> 00:57:12,297
Oh, excuse me...
946
00:57:15,140 --> 00:57:16,631
Swedish.
947
00:57:16,808 --> 00:57:19,516
- Costing today?
- Costing.
948
00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:22,262
- Costing?
- Costing?
949
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,638
- Casting.
- Casting.
950
00:57:23,649 --> 00:57:26,517
Oh, no, no, miss,
we're not casting yet.
951
00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:28,563
You see, we don't even know
when we're beginning...
952
00:57:28,570 --> 00:57:32,154
Casting, yes,
we just started casting today.
953
00:57:32,157 --> 00:57:34,114
- Yes, yes.
- We're casting?
954
00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:35,983
Yes, we're casting.
955
00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:37,743
If you don't mind,
956
00:57:37,746 --> 00:57:40,489
just once in my life,
I'd like to see somebody on that couch
957
00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,536
who's under 85.
958
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:49,250
What's your name, my dear?
959
00:57:49,257 --> 00:57:50,839
My name is Ulla Inga...
960
00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:54,176
Hansen Benson Yansen Tallen
Hallen Svaden Swanson.
961
00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:56,922
Oh, wait, wait,
what's your first name?
962
00:57:56,932 --> 00:57:58,798
That was
my first name.
963
00:57:58,809 --> 00:58:00,550
You want to hear
my last name?
964
00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:04,474
We don't have the time.
We'll just call you Ulla.
965
00:58:04,982 --> 00:58:07,395
Okay? Yeah.
What do you do, Ulla?
966
00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:09,893
- Ulla sing and dance.
- Oh, yeah?
967
00:58:09,903 --> 00:58:13,021
- You want Ulla make audition?
- Oh, no, miss.
968
00:58:13,031 --> 00:58:15,239
- That won't be nece...
- Yes, it is nece.
969
00:58:15,242 --> 00:58:16,858
Extremely nece.
970
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:20,532
Please, please make audition.
Make audition all over the office.
971
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:23,831
What are you going to sing?
972
00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:26,372
Well, yesterday,
973
00:58:26,545 --> 00:58:29,379
when I was stepping out
of a big, white
974
00:58:29,381 --> 00:58:31,168
Rolls-Royce limo,
975
00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:34,167
a crazy man yelled something
out the window
976
00:58:34,386 --> 00:58:36,969
that inspired me
to write this song.
977
00:58:43,228 --> 00:58:45,265
When you got it
978
00:58:45,772 --> 00:58:47,434
Flaunt it
979
00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:51,567
Step right up
and strut your stuff
980
00:58:52,696 --> 00:58:55,985
People tell you
modesty's a virtue
981
00:58:57,034 --> 00:59:00,527
But in the theater
modesty can hurt you
982
00:59:01,121 --> 00:59:02,908
When you got it
983
00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:05,122
Flaunt it
984
00:59:06,001 --> 00:59:09,620
Show your assets
let them know you're proud
985
00:59:10,422 --> 00:59:12,254
Your goodies you must push
986
00:59:12,257 --> 00:59:14,590
Stick your chest out,
shake your tush
987
00:59:14,593 --> 00:59:18,883
When you got it,
shout it out loud
988
00:59:18,889 --> 00:59:21,051
Now Ulla dance.
989
00:59:36,490 --> 00:59:39,858
When you got it, show it
990
00:59:40,744 --> 00:59:44,112
Put your hidden treasures
on display
991
00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:47,702
Violinists love to play
an E-string
992
00:59:48,460 --> 00:59:51,703
But audiences really love
a g-string
993
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:55,624
When you got it,
shout it
994
00:59:56,259 --> 01:00:00,378
Let the whole world hear
what you're about
995
01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:02,004
Clothes may make the man
996
01:00:02,015 --> 01:00:04,007
All a girl needs is a tan
997
01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:07,886
When you got it,
let it hang out
998
01:00:08,313 --> 01:00:09,474
Remember when Ulla dance?
999
01:00:09,481 --> 01:00:10,597
Yeah.
1000
01:00:10,607 --> 01:00:12,018
Ulla dance again.
1001
01:00:12,442 --> 01:00:14,934
Ulla dance again.
1002
01:00:31,670 --> 01:00:35,380
When I was just
a little girl in Sweden
1003
01:00:35,590 --> 01:00:39,755
My thoughtful mother
gave me this advice
1004
01:00:39,761 --> 01:00:42,754
If nature blesses you
from top to bottom
1005
01:00:43,515 --> 01:00:46,849
Show that top to bottom
Don't think twice
1006
01:00:46,852 --> 01:00:49,219
Now Ulla belt.
1007
01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:53,473
Don't think twice
1008
01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:56,942
When you got it, share it
1009
01:00:57,612 --> 01:01:01,697
Let the public feast upon
your charms
1010
01:01:01,700 --> 01:01:05,239
People say that
being prim is proper
1011
01:01:05,537 --> 01:01:09,156
But every showgirl knows
that prim will stop her
1012
01:01:09,166 --> 01:01:13,251
When you got it,
give it
1013
01:01:13,670 --> 01:01:18,631
Don't be selfish,
give it all away
1014
01:01:23,430 --> 01:01:25,342
Don't be shy,
be bold and cute
1015
01:01:25,348 --> 01:01:27,340
Show the boys
your birthday suit
1016
01:01:27,350 --> 01:01:31,264
When you got it
1017
01:01:31,271 --> 01:01:33,513
If you got it
1018
01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:37,267
Once you got it
1019
01:01:38,445 --> 01:01:40,061
Shout out
1020
01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:47,444
Hooray
1021
01:01:54,586 --> 01:01:57,624
Okey dokey, you like it?
1022
01:01:57,839 --> 01:01:59,831
Like it?
1023
01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:01,799
I want you to know,
my dear,
1024
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:04,088
that even though
we're sitting down,
1025
01:02:04,095 --> 01:02:07,304
we are giving you
a standing ovation.
1026
01:02:12,854 --> 01:02:14,345
She's in the show.
1027
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:17,852
Wait, Max. Max,
we don't even know
1028
01:02:17,859 --> 01:02:20,146
if there's a part
for her in the show.
1029
01:02:20,946 --> 01:02:22,983
Would you excuse us,
my dear?
1030
01:02:24,032 --> 01:02:25,614
Nonsense, Bloom.
1031
01:02:25,951 --> 01:02:28,318
Bloom, do I have
to teach you everything?
1032
01:02:28,328 --> 01:02:31,036
There is always a part in the show
for the producer's girlfriend.
1033
01:02:31,039 --> 01:02:33,952
But, Max, we don't even know
when we're starting rehearsal, yet.
1034
01:02:33,959 --> 01:02:36,121
So what? So what?
1035
01:02:36,127 --> 01:02:38,119
We're producers, aren't we?
1036
01:02:38,129 --> 01:02:41,213
So, until she goes into the show,
she can work for us here.
1037
01:02:41,216 --> 01:02:45,176
Because, we need, nay,
deserve to have ourselves...
1038
01:02:47,222 --> 01:02:48,758
Deserve to have ourselves,
1039
01:02:48,765 --> 01:02:51,849
a gorgeous Swedish
secretary/receptionist.
1040
01:02:51,851 --> 01:02:54,434
But, Max, a secretary
who doesn't speak English?
1041
01:02:54,437 --> 01:02:56,804
- What will people say?
- They'll say...
1042
01:02:59,526 --> 01:03:01,358
Offer her the job, please.
1043
01:03:03,363 --> 01:03:04,899
Just a moment, miss.
1044
01:03:06,199 --> 01:03:08,065
We might have
a position for you.
1045
01:03:08,076 --> 01:03:10,659
As a matter of fact, we might have
several positions for you.
1046
01:03:12,122 --> 01:03:15,286
Until the show gets going,
we can offer you a job here
1047
01:03:15,292 --> 01:03:18,251
as a secretary/receptionist.
1048
01:03:18,628 --> 01:03:20,995
Secretary/receptionist?
1049
01:03:22,132 --> 01:03:23,748
Okey-slash-dokey.
1050
01:03:24,926 --> 01:03:26,167
I can do that.
1051
01:03:28,096 --> 01:03:29,462
Answer telephone.
1052
01:03:30,724 --> 01:03:32,431
Bialystock and Bloom.
1053
01:03:32,934 --> 01:03:36,143
- Bialystock and Bloom.
- Smart as a whip.
1054
01:03:36,313 --> 01:03:37,520
You're hired!
1055
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:46,654
Well, all right.
If he says so, I don't have any...
1056
01:03:48,158 --> 01:03:49,239
Oh, yeah.
1057
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:51,780
Secretary/receptionist
and...
1058
01:03:51,786 --> 01:03:54,369
Maybe you can tidy up
around here a little bit, too.
1059
01:03:54,372 --> 01:03:57,831
Tidy up? Tidy up.
Such a funny word.
1060
01:03:57,834 --> 01:04:00,668
- What means "tidy up?"
- Oh, you know, clean?
1061
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:01,831
Make look nice.
1062
01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:04,455
Oh, yeah!
Ulla can make "tidy up."
1063
01:04:04,466 --> 01:04:07,630
Oh, very good.
What time can you be here in the morning?
1064
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:11,420
Well, Ulla wake up
every morning, 5:00 a.m.
1065
01:04:11,431 --> 01:04:13,889
From 5:00 to 7:00
Ulla like to exercise.
1066
01:04:14,059 --> 01:04:17,097
From 7:00 to 8:00
Ulla like to take a long shower.
1067
01:04:17,312 --> 01:04:21,682
From 8:00 to 9:00,
Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast.
1068
01:04:21,691 --> 01:04:23,648
Many different herrings.
1069
01:04:23,651 --> 01:04:25,142
From 9:00 to 11:00...
1070
01:04:25,153 --> 01:04:27,816
Ulla like to practice
her singing and her dancing.
1071
01:04:27,822 --> 01:04:30,189
And at 11:00,
Ulla like to have sex.
1072
01:04:31,493 --> 01:04:33,325
What time
should I get here?
1073
01:04:34,162 --> 01:04:37,576
- 11:00.
- Good! Ulla will come at 11:00.
1074
01:04:38,333 --> 01:04:40,165
"Ulla will come
at 11:00."
1075
01:04:50,261 --> 01:04:52,548
God bless America.
1076
01:04:55,392 --> 01:04:57,099
God bless Sweden.
1077
01:04:58,395 --> 01:04:59,852
Oh, Max.
1078
01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:01,891
Max, she's fantastic.
1079
01:05:02,107 --> 01:05:04,440
The most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
1080
01:05:04,859 --> 01:05:06,771
I've never
felt this way before.
1081
01:05:06,778 --> 01:05:09,816
It's like a volcano
erupting inside of me, like,
1082
01:05:10,031 --> 01:05:14,526
like hot lava rising
higher and higher and...
1083
01:05:15,245 --> 01:05:18,238
What is that, Max?
What is it?
1084
01:05:21,334 --> 01:05:23,041
It's called an erection.
1085
01:05:23,795 --> 01:05:25,331
It's either that or malaria.
1086
01:05:25,672 --> 01:05:28,255
But don't worry,
they have shots for everything now.
1087
01:05:28,258 --> 01:05:30,170
Come here,
I want to show you something.
1088
01:05:31,970 --> 01:05:34,053
- What do you see?
- Nothing.
1089
01:05:34,055 --> 01:05:35,136
Exactly.
1090
01:05:35,140 --> 01:05:37,598
But now that we've got
our sure-fire flop,
1091
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:41,093
it's gonna be our job to fill
that safe with $2 million.
1092
01:05:41,104 --> 01:05:43,642
$2 million?
Gee, how much do we put in?
1093
01:05:55,326 --> 01:05:56,326
How much...
1094
01:05:57,078 --> 01:05:58,410
How much do we put in?
1095
01:05:59,164 --> 01:06:00,245
Bloom,
1096
01:06:01,249 --> 01:06:04,367
the two cardinal rules
of being a Broadway producer
1097
01:06:04,794 --> 01:06:06,080
are, one...
1098
01:06:06,087 --> 01:06:08,500
Never put your own money
in the show.
1099
01:06:08,506 --> 01:06:09,506
And two?
1100
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:12,633
Never put your own money
1101
01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:15,093
in the show!
1102
01:06:17,015 --> 01:06:18,506
- Get it?
- Got it.
1103
01:06:18,516 --> 01:06:19,597
Good.
1104
01:06:19,601 --> 01:06:22,935
- So how do we raise the money?
- How? I'll tell you how.
1105
01:06:24,814 --> 01:06:26,146
From my investors.
1106
01:06:26,149 --> 01:06:30,234
Hundreds of little old ladies
all looking to Max Bialystock
1107
01:06:30,570 --> 01:06:33,483
for one last thrill
on their way to the cemetery.
1108
01:06:33,490 --> 01:06:37,530
So, in the days to come, Bloom,
you shall see very little of me.
1109
01:06:37,785 --> 01:06:40,198
And right now
I'd like to see very little of you.
1110
01:06:40,205 --> 01:06:42,197
Scram,
while I get myself ready.
1111
01:06:42,457 --> 01:06:46,497
For Max Bialystock,
is about to launch himself
1112
01:06:46,503 --> 01:06:48,790
into Little-old-lady Land.
1113
01:06:50,423 --> 01:06:53,291
The time has come
1114
01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:58,046
To be a lover
from the Argentine
1115
01:06:58,264 --> 01:07:02,679
To slick my hair down
with brilliantine
1116
01:07:02,977 --> 01:07:07,347
And gargle heavily
with Lister
1117
01:07:07,857 --> 01:07:09,723
Ine
1118
01:07:13,655 --> 01:07:14,691
Wow!
1119
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:18,153
It's time for Max
1120
01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:23,492
To put his backers
on their backs
1121
01:07:23,790 --> 01:07:25,907
And thrill them with
1122
01:07:25,917 --> 01:07:29,251
Amazing acts
1123
01:07:29,254 --> 01:07:32,088
Those aging nymphomaniacs
1124
01:07:41,933 --> 01:07:45,722
They were helpless,
they were hopeless
1125
01:07:45,728 --> 01:07:48,562
Then along came Bialy
1126
01:07:49,357 --> 01:07:53,271
They were joyless,
they were boyless
1127
01:07:53,278 --> 01:07:56,271
Then along came Bialy
1128
01:07:56,823 --> 01:08:00,783
They're my angels,
I'm their devil
1129
01:08:00,785 --> 01:08:03,493
And I keep
those embers aglow
1130
01:08:04,622 --> 01:08:08,457
When I woos 'em,
I can't lose 'em
1131
01:08:08,459 --> 01:08:12,248
'Cause I cast my spell and
they start yelling, "Fire down below"
1132
01:08:12,255 --> 01:08:15,999
So romantic,
they were frantic
1133
01:08:16,009 --> 01:08:19,969
Then their prayers
were heard up above
1134
01:08:19,971 --> 01:08:23,715
Heaven sent them
their Bialy
1135
01:08:23,725 --> 01:08:26,092
I'm the celebration
1136
01:08:26,102 --> 01:08:29,140
Of love
1137
01:08:37,655 --> 01:08:39,692
Who is it? Who is it?
1138
01:08:40,783 --> 01:08:42,991
- It's Max Bialystock!
- Oh!
1139
01:08:46,623 --> 01:08:47,704
Maxy.
1140
01:10:06,577 --> 01:10:07,738
Fire down below!
1141
01:10:07,745 --> 01:10:10,783
We were listing,
we were sinking
1142
01:10:10,790 --> 01:10:14,158
Then along came Bialy
1143
01:10:14,168 --> 01:10:17,627
We were desperate,
we were drinking
1144
01:10:17,630 --> 01:10:20,543
Then along came Bialy
1145
01:10:20,550 --> 01:10:21,666
Who's your daddy?
1146
01:10:21,676 --> 01:10:24,510
So romantic,
we were frantic
1147
01:10:24,512 --> 01:10:27,926
Then our prayers
were heard up above
1148
01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:31,425
He's Bialy, hey, Bialy
1149
01:10:31,436 --> 01:10:35,180
He's the culmination
The restoration
1150
01:10:35,189 --> 01:10:38,682
The consummation
The titillation
1151
01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:40,275
Ejaculation
1152
01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:44,864
He's a celebration
of love
1153
01:11:14,729 --> 01:11:16,015
Bloom! Bloom!
1154
01:11:16,981 --> 01:11:18,688
What, Max? What?
1155
01:11:19,233 --> 01:11:22,192
I've done it. I've done it.
I've raised the $2 million!
1156
01:11:22,195 --> 01:11:25,108
Now all we have to do is put on
the biggest flop in history.
1157
01:11:25,114 --> 01:11:26,355
That's great!
1158
01:11:37,126 --> 01:11:39,118
- Yeah.
- We can't miss.
1159
01:12:00,566 --> 01:12:03,183
Gotta make the next payment
on the theater by 3:00 or else...
1160
01:12:03,194 --> 01:12:04,935
Oh! Sorry, wrong office.
1161
01:12:05,112 --> 01:12:06,819
Bialystock, Bloom.
1162
01:12:08,115 --> 01:12:09,606
Max, Leo.
1163
01:12:24,966 --> 01:12:27,299
- Ulla?
- Ja.
1164
01:12:27,718 --> 01:12:30,802
- What happened to the office?
- Like you tell Ulla
1165
01:12:31,222 --> 01:12:33,680
- "tidy up."
- "Tidy oop?"
1166
01:12:33,975 --> 01:12:35,011
Well.
1167
01:12:35,184 --> 01:12:37,301
How did you find
the time to do all this?
1168
01:12:37,311 --> 01:12:38,802
I skip lunch.
1169
01:12:39,355 --> 01:12:40,436
Of course you did.
1170
01:12:40,773 --> 01:12:42,890
- Very nice.
- She skipped lunch.
1171
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:43,981
- Oh.
- Yeah.
1172
01:12:44,485 --> 01:12:46,147
Almost three.
That payment to the Shubert's.
1173
01:12:46,153 --> 01:12:47,610
I'll get the cash
from the safe.
1174
01:12:47,613 --> 01:12:49,775
You make sure
all those contracts are signed.
1175
01:12:49,782 --> 01:12:50,782
Yes, Max.
1176
01:12:52,660 --> 01:12:54,947
Oh, she painted
over the numbers.
1177
01:13:09,218 --> 01:13:11,084
Hello, boys.
1178
01:13:13,389 --> 01:13:16,553
Nobody knows
what I went through to get you.
1179
01:13:16,559 --> 01:13:18,016
Ulla knows.
1180
01:13:18,019 --> 01:13:21,262
You had to schtup every
little old lady in New York.
1181
01:13:24,317 --> 01:13:25,317
That's right.
1182
01:13:25,693 --> 01:13:26,693
That's right.
1183
01:13:27,361 --> 01:13:30,149
And I've still got
the denture bites to prove it.
1184
01:13:31,908 --> 01:13:33,740
Work, work, work.
Work, work, work.
1185
01:13:34,035 --> 01:13:35,035
Work, work, work.
1186
01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:38,038
So...
1187
01:13:39,373 --> 01:13:40,864
Mr. Bloom.
1188
01:13:42,168 --> 01:13:43,830
We are all alone.
1189
01:13:45,046 --> 01:13:47,129
Yes we are. Aren't we?
1190
01:13:53,304 --> 01:13:55,762
Why Bloom go
so far camera right?
1191
01:13:57,642 --> 01:13:59,349
Bloom no like Ulla?
1192
01:14:00,561 --> 01:14:02,723
- Ulla like Bloom.
- Oh.
1193
01:14:03,356 --> 01:14:05,848
Oh, Bloom like Ulla,
all right.
1194
01:14:05,858 --> 01:14:08,271
- Maybe a little too much.
- Good.
1195
01:14:09,111 --> 01:14:10,111
I'm glad.
1196
01:14:13,115 --> 01:14:16,950
- Why Bloom need blue blanket?
- Oh, it's not important.
1197
01:14:17,328 --> 01:14:19,490
It's just a minor compulsion.
It's that I've...
1198
01:14:19,497 --> 01:14:22,035
I've had it ever since
I was a baby and I...
1199
01:14:22,500 --> 01:14:24,662
You're a little too close.
1200
01:14:26,837 --> 01:14:31,298
The urge to merge
can rob us of our senses
1201
01:14:31,634 --> 01:14:35,753
The need to breed
can make a man a drone
1202
01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:41,012
We must be on alert
with our defenses
1203
01:14:41,185 --> 01:14:43,928
For every skirt
will test
1204
01:14:46,273 --> 01:14:49,266
Testosterone
1205
01:14:49,652 --> 01:14:53,396
So knowing this
I severed all connection
1206
01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:56,815
With any creature
sporting silk or lace
1207
01:14:57,284 --> 01:15:01,369
I was firmly headed
in the right direction
1208
01:15:01,789 --> 01:15:05,408
When suddenly
I stumbled on
1209
01:15:06,293 --> 01:15:10,003
That face
1210
01:15:11,340 --> 01:15:15,630
That face, that face,
that dangerous face
1211
01:15:15,970 --> 01:15:20,180
I mustn't be unwise
1212
01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:24,969
Those lips, that nose,
those eyes
1213
01:15:24,979 --> 01:15:29,474
Could lead to my demise
1214
01:15:29,483 --> 01:15:33,818
That face, that face,
that marvelous face
1215
01:15:33,988 --> 01:15:38,483
I never should begin
1216
01:15:38,492 --> 01:15:42,907
Those cheeks,
that neck, that chin
1217
01:15:42,913 --> 01:15:46,702
Will surely do me in
1218
01:15:47,418 --> 01:15:52,163
I must be smart and hide my heart
if she's within a mile
1219
01:15:52,173 --> 01:15:55,132
If I don't duck,
I'm out of luck
1220
01:15:55,134 --> 01:16:00,095
She'd kill me
with her smile
1221
01:16:04,935 --> 01:16:09,726
That face, that face,
that fabulous face
1222
01:16:09,732 --> 01:16:14,227
It's clear I must beware
1223
01:16:14,236 --> 01:16:18,606
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
1224
01:16:18,616 --> 01:16:23,156
But it's worth it
for that face
1225
01:16:23,579 --> 01:16:26,447
Oh-oh, Bloom help Ulla down?
1226
01:16:27,166 --> 01:16:30,079
All right,
Bloom help Ulla down.
1227
01:18:57,900 --> 01:19:01,359
That face, that face
1228
01:19:01,362 --> 01:19:06,323
That lovable face
1229
01:19:07,660 --> 01:19:10,323
It melts my
1230
01:19:10,746 --> 01:19:15,411
Swedish heart
1231
01:19:15,417 --> 01:19:19,707
I'm certain
if I fall in love
1232
01:19:19,713 --> 01:19:24,674
I'm lost without a trace
1233
01:19:25,552 --> 01:19:29,262
But it's worth it
1234
01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:32,554
For that
1235
01:19:33,018 --> 01:19:34,884
Face
1236
01:19:56,709 --> 01:19:57,790
Again!
1237
01:19:57,793 --> 01:20:01,878
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl
1238
01:20:01,880 --> 01:20:06,090
and goose step, goose step
waltz-clog and kick. Again!
1239
01:20:06,093 --> 01:20:10,258
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl
1240
01:20:10,264 --> 01:20:14,759
and goose step, goose step
waltz-clog and kick. Again!
1241
01:20:14,768 --> 01:20:17,636
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette...
1242
01:20:17,646 --> 01:20:20,480
Halt! Halt!
1243
01:20:20,482 --> 01:20:22,314
Halt!
1244
01:20:22,318 --> 01:20:24,651
- This is bedlam, bedlam.
- Bedlam. Bedlam.
1245
01:20:28,032 --> 01:20:29,739
Shut up!
1246
01:20:30,826 --> 01:20:32,692
We must have
some order here.
1247
01:20:32,703 --> 01:20:35,696
Will all the dancing Hitlers
please wait offstage right
1248
01:20:35,706 --> 01:20:38,414
and all the singing Hitlers
offstage left?
1249
01:20:39,918 --> 01:20:41,159
Get that way.
1250
01:20:41,837 --> 01:20:45,001
Carmen, call in
a singing Hitler please.
1251
01:20:45,007 --> 01:20:46,589
Yes, darling. Roger.
1252
01:20:56,185 --> 01:20:57,767
Jack Lapidus!
1253
01:21:02,691 --> 01:21:04,307
Jack Lapidus!
1254
01:21:08,364 --> 01:21:09,650
Jack Lapidus.
1255
01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:14,151
Well, Jack.
What are you going to sing for us?
1256
01:21:14,161 --> 01:21:18,701
I would like to sing
A Wandering Minstrel I.
1257
01:21:19,249 --> 01:21:20,410
If you must.
1258
01:21:25,589 --> 01:21:29,299
A Wandering Minstrel, I
1259
01:21:29,301 --> 01:21:32,089
- A thing of shred and
- Thank you!
1260
01:21:32,096 --> 01:21:33,803
- Patches
- Next, please!
1261
01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:38,596
- Donald Dinsmore!
- Thanks.
1262
01:21:38,602 --> 01:21:40,264
Well, Donald, if we...
1263
01:21:42,606 --> 01:21:43,938
Well, Donald, I...
1264
01:21:43,941 --> 01:21:46,222
- Oh, hi, how are you?
- Oh, no, that's all right, Donald.
1265
01:21:46,777 --> 01:21:49,986
Hello. Yes, now what are you
going to sing for us, friend?
1266
01:21:50,155 --> 01:21:54,991
I'd like to sing
The Little Wooden Boy.
1267
01:21:56,620 --> 01:21:57,906
Thank you.
1268
01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:08,500
Next!
1269
01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:12,584
Jason Green.
1270
01:22:15,389 --> 01:22:17,847
Well, Jason, what have you
been up to lately?
1271
01:22:17,850 --> 01:22:21,844
For the last 16 years
I have been touring in No No Nietzsche.
1272
01:22:22,187 --> 01:22:23,928
- You played Nietzsche?
- No, no.
1273
01:22:24,815 --> 01:22:26,272
What are you going
to sing for us?
1274
01:22:26,275 --> 01:22:28,858
Have you ever heard
The German Band?
1275
01:22:29,069 --> 01:22:30,150
No.
1276
01:22:30,154 --> 01:22:32,862
That is the name of the song
I am going to sing.
1277
01:22:33,115 --> 01:22:34,115
Oh.
1278
01:22:35,159 --> 01:22:36,525
Play it, please.
1279
01:22:40,456 --> 01:22:41,697
Speed it up.
1280
01:22:42,291 --> 01:22:44,999
Haben sie gehort
1281
01:22:45,002 --> 01:22:47,369
Das Deutsche Band
1282
01:22:48,088 --> 01:22:50,671
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1283
01:22:50,883 --> 01:22:54,342
Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom
1284
01:22:54,344 --> 01:22:57,178
Ahhh, haben sie gehort
1285
01:22:57,181 --> 01:22:59,047
Halt! Halt!
1286
01:22:59,516 --> 01:23:02,680
Halt! No, no, no.
1287
01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:05,686
This man could never play
Adolf Hitler.
1288
01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:08,807
The Fuehrer wasn't
a mousy little mama's boy.
1289
01:23:08,817 --> 01:23:10,524
The Fuehrer was butch.
1290
01:23:10,527 --> 01:23:14,191
And that is not how you sing
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band.
1291
01:23:14,198 --> 01:23:17,191
This is how you sing
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band.
1292
01:23:17,201 --> 01:23:20,660
B-flat. 2/2 time.
Modulate at the bridge. Raus!
1293
01:23:24,583 --> 01:23:28,247
Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band
1294
01:23:28,253 --> 01:23:30,415
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1295
01:23:30,422 --> 01:23:32,584
Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom
1296
01:23:32,591 --> 01:23:36,676
Ahhh, haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band
1297
01:23:36,678 --> 01:23:38,761
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1298
01:23:38,764 --> 01:23:40,926
Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom
1299
01:23:41,308 --> 01:23:44,972
Russian folk songs
und French ooh-la-la
1300
01:23:45,562 --> 01:23:49,101
Can't compare
with a German oom-pah-pah!
1301
01:23:49,107 --> 01:23:53,522
We're saying Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band
1302
01:23:53,529 --> 01:23:57,773
Mit a zetz, mit a zap,
mit a zing
1303
01:23:58,033 --> 01:24:01,902
Polish polkas,
they're stupid und they're rotten
1304
01:24:01,912 --> 01:24:05,451
It don't mean a thing
if it ain't got that
1305
01:24:05,457 --> 01:24:09,371
Schweigen-reigen-schanden-
schutzen-schmutzen
1306
01:24:09,378 --> 01:24:11,244
Sauerbraten
1307
01:24:11,964 --> 01:24:13,125
Key change!
1308
01:24:14,299 --> 01:24:18,293
We're saying
1309
01:24:18,303 --> 01:24:21,387
Haben sie gehort
1310
01:24:21,390 --> 01:24:23,677
Das Deutsche Band
1311
01:24:23,684 --> 01:24:27,473
Mit a zetz, mit a zap,
mit a zing
1312
01:24:27,479 --> 01:24:29,391
It's the only
kind of music
1313
01:24:29,398 --> 01:24:31,481
That we Huns
und our honeys
1314
01:24:31,483 --> 01:24:34,317
Love to sing
1315
01:24:34,319 --> 01:24:35,685
That's our Hitler!
1316
01:24:45,497 --> 01:24:48,706
Have your tickets ready.
Have your tickets ready.
1317
01:24:49,334 --> 01:24:51,826
Right this way, please.
This way, please.
1318
01:24:52,087 --> 01:24:53,703
Take your seats.
1319
01:24:58,176 --> 01:25:00,839
Ah, good evening Monsieur.
Very nice to see you again.
1320
01:25:00,846 --> 01:25:02,678
- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.
1321
01:25:09,730 --> 01:25:13,144
Oh, Mr. Bloom!
Oh, you look so handsome.
1322
01:25:13,150 --> 01:25:14,857
- Oh, thank you.
- This is so exciting.
1323
01:25:15,527 --> 01:25:16,643
Leo!
1324
01:25:19,197 --> 01:25:20,197
Leo.
1325
01:25:21,074 --> 01:25:23,407
- Who said you could wear that hat?
- Well, nobody, Max,
1326
01:25:23,410 --> 01:25:26,027
but I thought now
that I'm the producer of a Broadway show...
1327
01:25:26,038 --> 01:25:27,904
- Has the curtain gone up yet?
- No.
1328
01:25:27,914 --> 01:25:29,780
- Has the curtain come down yet?
- No.
1329
01:25:29,791 --> 01:25:32,499
- Then you're not a producer yet.
- Give me that hat.
1330
01:25:32,502 --> 01:25:35,165
Mr. Bloom! Leo.
1331
01:25:35,714 --> 01:25:39,128
- Your tie is all askew.
- Askew?
1332
01:25:39,134 --> 01:25:41,797
Well, thank you, Ulla.
Have a good show.
1333
01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:51,101
Roll them in the aisles.
1334
01:25:51,396 --> 01:25:54,389
Okey-dokey. I will try to.
1335
01:25:54,775 --> 01:25:57,062
But there's just
so many of them.
1336
01:26:01,156 --> 01:26:04,365
Gee, I thought we were
partners sharing everything fifty-fifty.
1337
01:26:04,368 --> 01:26:07,782
Now, I'm out in the cold and you two are
busy askewing each other.
1338
01:26:07,788 --> 01:26:09,529
Askewing? Never, Max.
1339
01:26:09,539 --> 01:26:12,577
Hugs and kisses, yes,
but that's as far as I go.
1340
01:26:21,927 --> 01:26:25,466
Gunter, you will pick me up
back here right after the curtain.
1341
01:26:29,643 --> 01:26:31,885
Oh, God, will they love us,
will they hate us?
1342
01:26:31,895 --> 01:26:33,807
- The suspense is killing me.
- I know.
1343
01:26:33,814 --> 01:26:35,806
I feel like I'm going into labor.
1344
01:26:39,611 --> 01:26:41,648
Messieurs Bialystock
and Bloom.
1345
01:26:41,655 --> 01:26:43,317
Well, gentlemen, merde.
1346
01:26:45,325 --> 01:26:47,863
And I just wanna wish
everybody good luck.
1347
01:26:48,412 --> 01:26:50,825
- What? What did you say?
- Bite your tongue.
1348
01:26:50,831 --> 01:26:52,413
- Gott im Himmel!
- Oh, what's the matter...
1349
01:26:52,416 --> 01:26:54,829
- All I said was good luck.
- He said it again.
1350
01:26:54,835 --> 01:26:57,623
Mr. Bloom, hasn't anyone
ever told you
1351
01:26:57,629 --> 01:27:00,497
it's bad luck to say,
"good luck" on opening night?
1352
01:27:00,507 --> 01:27:03,341
If you do, I tell you
1353
01:27:03,593 --> 01:27:05,960
It is certain by the curtain
You are through
1354
01:27:05,971 --> 01:27:07,087
Good luck!
1355
01:27:07,097 --> 01:27:09,430
It's bad luck to say
"Good luck" on opening night
1356
01:27:09,433 --> 01:27:12,346
Once it's said,
you are dead
1357
01:27:12,352 --> 01:27:14,639
You will get
the worst reviews you ever read
1358
01:27:14,646 --> 01:27:15,727
Good luck!
1359
01:27:15,731 --> 01:27:17,848
Even at
the Comedie Francaise
1360
01:27:18,150 --> 01:27:21,143
On the opening night
they are scared
1361
01:27:21,361 --> 01:27:23,853
"Bonne chance, mes amis,"
no one says
1362
01:27:23,864 --> 01:27:25,856
The only word
you'll ever hear is
1363
01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:27,073
Merde
1364
01:27:27,075 --> 01:27:28,737
Good luck, good luck, good luck!
1365
01:27:28,744 --> 01:27:31,578
It's verboten,
wishing luck on opening night
1366
01:27:31,580 --> 01:27:34,323
Take advice,
don't think twice
1367
01:27:34,499 --> 01:27:37,333
Or your show
will surely end up in the scheiss
1368
01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:40,579
At the famous
La Scala in Milan
1369
01:27:40,589 --> 01:27:43,206
On opening night
it's a rule
1370
01:27:43,216 --> 01:27:46,380
"In bocca lupo"
they say with elan
1371
01:27:46,386 --> 01:27:48,799
And just for luck
they all shout "Vafangu"
1372
01:27:48,805 --> 01:27:52,594
I got it
Now I'll never say "good luck" on opening night
1373
01:27:52,601 --> 01:27:56,470
That's the rule,
I'm no fool
1374
01:27:56,480 --> 01:27:59,393
What do I say, I beg?
1375
01:27:59,399 --> 01:28:04,110
What you say is
"break a leg"
1376
01:28:04,404 --> 01:28:07,317
- Break a leg?
- Yes, break a leg!
1377
01:28:07,657 --> 01:28:10,070
If you're clever
1378
01:28:10,076 --> 01:28:11,157
Good luck!
1379
01:28:11,161 --> 01:28:13,494
You'll endeavor
1380
01:28:14,581 --> 01:28:17,745
To never, never, never, never ever, ever, ever say
1381
01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:20,835
On opening night
1382
01:28:20,837 --> 01:28:23,796
Five minutes to curtain.
Curtain going up in five minutes.
1383
01:28:23,799 --> 01:28:26,086
Hasenpfeffer. I'm late.
I must run.
1384
01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:27,925
Break a leg!
1385
01:28:37,604 --> 01:28:38,720
Kaiser!
1386
01:28:45,445 --> 01:28:47,027
Franz, what happened?
1387
01:28:47,322 --> 01:28:49,314
I broke my leg.
1388
01:28:50,575 --> 01:28:52,157
Now we'll have
to cancel the show
1389
01:28:52,160 --> 01:28:53,617
and give everyone
their money back.
1390
01:28:54,704 --> 01:28:58,448
Money back? Money back?
Money back?
1391
01:28:58,625 --> 01:29:00,332
Don't ever say that again.
1392
01:29:00,335 --> 01:29:03,123
Money back! Never.
We got to think of something else.
1393
01:29:03,129 --> 01:29:06,713
But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
and he has no understudy.
1394
01:29:06,716 --> 01:29:09,254
You're right. What are we gonna do?
There must be some way out.
1395
01:29:09,261 --> 01:29:11,878
If I could only think of something.
Some way, some...
1396
01:29:12,848 --> 01:29:16,012
Hold it. I got it.
Roger, you, you could play Hitler.
1397
01:29:16,017 --> 01:29:17,508
You know every line
in the show.
1398
01:29:17,519 --> 01:29:18,680
I've seen you
at rehearsal,
1399
01:29:18,687 --> 01:29:20,804
always moving your lips
along with the actors.
1400
01:29:21,773 --> 01:29:24,561
I know. It's an embarrassing habit
I'm trying to break myself of it.
1401
01:29:24,568 --> 01:29:27,436
But me play Hitler, no!
No, there's no way I could go on tonight.
1402
01:29:27,445 --> 01:29:29,357
I don't have the strength,
I don't have the courage.
1403
01:29:29,364 --> 01:29:31,697
I can't do it! I can't do it!
I can't do it!
1404
01:29:32,033 --> 01:29:35,026
- Wow, that hurt.
- Roger, listen to me.
1405
01:29:36,371 --> 01:29:37,657
You can do it.
1406
01:29:37,664 --> 01:29:40,202
You know you can do it
and I know you can do it.
1407
01:29:40,208 --> 01:29:42,746
You've been waiting
all your lifetime for this chance
1408
01:29:42,752 --> 01:29:44,744
and I'm not gonna
let you pass it up.
1409
01:29:46,715 --> 01:29:48,331
You're going out there
1410
01:29:48,341 --> 01:29:50,958
a silly hysterical
screaming queen,
1411
01:29:51,261 --> 01:29:54,049
but you're coming back
a great big,
1412
01:29:54,431 --> 01:29:57,765
passing-for-straight,
Broadway star.
1413
01:29:59,519 --> 01:30:02,387
All right. You're right.
I'll do it.
1414
01:30:02,397 --> 01:30:05,310
By God, I'll do it!
I've got to get into makeup.
1415
01:30:05,317 --> 01:30:07,400
Quick, get Franz's
Hitler moustache.
1416
01:30:07,402 --> 01:30:10,566
And, oh, my lucky
Gloria Swanson mole.
1417
01:30:12,407 --> 01:30:13,407
Got it!
1418
01:30:18,788 --> 01:30:21,906
Leo, the overture. Let's go!
1419
01:30:36,514 --> 01:30:38,221
- Max.
- What?
1420
01:30:39,392 --> 01:30:40,599
This is it!
1421
01:30:42,771 --> 01:30:45,058
- Good luck, Leo.
- Good luck, Max.
1422
01:30:59,079 --> 01:31:02,823
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
1423
01:31:02,832 --> 01:31:06,872
Needed a new leader
to restore its former glory
1424
01:31:07,045 --> 01:31:10,254
Where, oh, where was he?
1425
01:31:10,256 --> 01:31:12,964
Where could that man be?
1426
01:31:13,218 --> 01:31:17,679
We looked around
and then we found
1427
01:31:17,681 --> 01:31:21,345
The man for you and me
1428
01:31:34,948 --> 01:31:37,315
And now
1429
01:31:37,325 --> 01:31:41,615
It's
1430
01:31:41,621 --> 01:31:46,491
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1431
01:31:48,378 --> 01:31:53,339
Deutschland
is happy and gay
1432
01:31:55,176 --> 01:32:00,171
We're marching
to a faster pace
1433
01:32:01,641 --> 01:32:06,682
Look out, here comes
the master race
1434
01:32:08,481 --> 01:32:13,351
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1435
01:32:15,405 --> 01:32:20,366
Rhineland's
a fine land once more
1436
01:32:21,995 --> 01:32:26,956
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1437
01:32:28,376 --> 01:32:29,867
Watch out, Europe
1438
01:32:29,878 --> 01:32:34,794
We're going on tour
1439
01:32:35,550 --> 01:32:40,511
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1440
01:32:41,097 --> 01:32:42,304
Look, it's springtime
1441
01:32:42,307 --> 01:32:47,223
Winter for
Poland and France
1442
01:32:49,064 --> 01:32:54,059
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1443
01:32:54,402 --> 01:32:57,770
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
1444
01:32:57,781 --> 01:33:00,990
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime!
1445
01:33:02,327 --> 01:33:04,114
Come on, Germans
1446
01:33:04,120 --> 01:33:06,863
Go into your dance
1447
01:33:14,672 --> 01:33:17,585
I was born in Dusseldorf
and that is why they call me Rolf
1448
01:33:20,428 --> 01:33:23,762
Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi party
1449
01:33:33,983 --> 01:33:37,317
Well, I never.
Talk about bad taste.
1450
01:33:42,158 --> 01:33:45,026
Come on, let's get out of here
before they kill us.
1451
01:34:04,848 --> 01:34:08,341
The Fuehrer is coming
The Fuehrer is coming
1452
01:34:08,351 --> 01:34:10,217
The Fuehrer is coming
1453
01:34:12,438 --> 01:34:15,602
- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!
1454
01:34:15,817 --> 01:34:17,353
Heil Hitler!
1455
01:34:18,695 --> 01:34:23,611
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1456
01:34:30,582 --> 01:34:33,040
Heil Hitler!
1457
01:34:39,174 --> 01:34:42,667
Heil myself
1458
01:34:43,720 --> 01:34:46,508
Heil to me
1459
01:34:47,473 --> 01:34:52,389
I'm the kraut who's out
to change our history
1460
01:34:52,604 --> 01:34:56,063
Heil myself,
raise your hand
1461
01:34:56,065 --> 01:34:59,934
There's no greater dictator
in the land
1462
01:34:59,944 --> 01:35:02,857
Everything I do, I do for you
1463
01:35:02,864 --> 01:35:06,153
If you're looking for a war
here's World War II
1464
01:35:06,159 --> 01:35:09,493
Heil myself,
raise your beer
1465
01:35:09,495 --> 01:35:12,988
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
stand and cheer
1466
01:35:15,210 --> 01:35:18,624
- Heil myself- Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
1467
01:35:18,630 --> 01:35:22,715
- Heil myself
- Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
1468
01:35:22,717 --> 01:35:24,879
Stand and cheer
1469
01:35:27,222 --> 01:35:30,590
Heil myself
1470
01:35:48,910 --> 01:35:52,745
I was just a paper hanger
1471
01:35:53,831 --> 01:35:57,040
No one more obscurer
1472
01:35:57,418 --> 01:36:00,411
Got a phone call
from the Reichstag
1473
01:36:00,421 --> 01:36:05,337
Told me I was Fuehrer,
Germany was bluer
1474
01:36:06,135 --> 01:36:08,798
What, oh, what to do?
1475
01:36:08,805 --> 01:36:11,047
Hitched up my pants
1476
01:36:11,057 --> 01:36:13,470
And conquered France
1477
01:36:13,476 --> 01:36:18,437
Now Deutschland's
smiling through
1478
01:36:20,984 --> 01:36:25,820
It ain't no mystery
if it's politics or history
1479
01:36:26,030 --> 01:36:29,114
The thing you
gotta know is
1480
01:36:29,117 --> 01:36:33,111
Everything is showbiz
1481
01:36:34,664 --> 01:36:38,203
Heil myself
1482
01:36:38,209 --> 01:36:40,326
Watch my show
1483
01:36:40,336 --> 01:36:43,829
I'm the German Ethel Merman
don't you know?
1484
01:36:43,840 --> 01:36:48,801
We are crossing borders,
the new world order is here
1485
01:36:50,263 --> 01:36:51,970
Make a real big smile
1486
01:36:52,181 --> 01:36:56,175
Everyone, sing heil to me
1487
01:36:56,519 --> 01:37:01,310
Wonderful me
1488
01:37:03,484 --> 01:37:08,400
It now is springtime
1489
01:37:08,406 --> 01:37:11,899
For Hitler and Germany
1490
01:37:14,037 --> 01:37:18,828
Goose step's
the new step today
1491
01:37:21,711 --> 01:37:24,579
Bombs falling from
1492
01:37:24,589 --> 01:37:27,582
The skies again
1493
01:37:29,135 --> 01:37:32,048
Deutschland is on
1494
01:37:32,055 --> 01:37:35,469
The rise again
1495
01:37:41,356 --> 01:37:46,272
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1496
01:37:48,946 --> 01:37:51,859
U-boats are sailing
1497
01:37:52,283 --> 01:37:56,527
Once more
1498
01:37:56,537 --> 01:38:01,453
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1499
01:38:04,712 --> 01:38:07,250
Means that soon
we'll be going
1500
01:38:07,256 --> 01:38:09,213
We've got
to be going
1501
01:38:09,217 --> 01:38:13,131
You know we'll be going
You bet we'll be going
1502
01:38:13,137 --> 01:38:16,050
You know we'll be going
1503
01:38:16,057 --> 01:38:21,018
To war!
1504
01:39:28,754 --> 01:39:32,543
- "A satiric masterpiece."
- No way out.
1505
01:39:34,385 --> 01:39:37,844
- "Surprise smash."
- No way out.
1506
01:39:38,723 --> 01:39:41,306
"It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting,
1507
01:39:41,517 --> 01:39:44,885
- "and I loved every minute of it."
- No way out!
1508
01:39:45,271 --> 01:39:46,807
How could this happen?
1509
01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:49,014
We picked the wrong play,
1510
01:39:49,025 --> 01:39:51,267
the wrong director,
the wrong cast...
1511
01:39:51,736 --> 01:39:53,272
Where did we go right?
1512
01:39:55,698 --> 01:39:57,906
Congratulations!
1513
01:40:08,336 --> 01:40:09,417
What are you doing?
1514
01:40:09,420 --> 01:40:12,128
I'm taking these books
and I'm leaving.
1515
01:40:12,840 --> 01:40:15,503
Don't try and stop me,
I've made up my mind.
1516
01:40:15,510 --> 01:40:17,502
Wait a minute,
where do you think you're going?
1517
01:40:17,512 --> 01:40:19,879
I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.
1518
01:40:19,889 --> 01:40:21,596
I'm going to play ball
with the IRS.
1519
01:40:21,599 --> 01:40:23,431
I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities.
1520
01:40:23,434 --> 01:40:24,515
They'll reduce my sentence,
1521
01:40:24,519 --> 01:40:26,260
then there's time off
for good behavior.
1522
01:40:26,270 --> 01:40:28,512
Maybe I'll get a good job
in the prison library.
1523
01:40:28,523 --> 01:40:31,857
Please keep in touch.
It's been very nice working with you.
1524
01:40:32,693 --> 01:40:36,733
Leo. Leo. Leo.
1525
01:40:37,156 --> 01:40:41,116
Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo,
relax, take it easy. All right?
1526
01:40:41,118 --> 01:40:43,360
You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.
1527
01:40:43,371 --> 01:40:46,830
You're acting out of panic.
Give me those freaking books!
1528
01:40:46,832 --> 01:40:48,619
Give me! Give me!
1529
01:40:49,752 --> 01:40:52,039
I never should have
listened to you!
1530
01:40:52,046 --> 01:40:54,504
I was an honest man
before I met you.
1531
01:40:54,507 --> 01:40:57,295
An honest man?
You were an honest mouse!
1532
01:40:58,719 --> 01:41:03,214
- How I hate you!
- Double! Double! Double!
1533
01:41:13,442 --> 01:41:16,276
Fat! Fat!
1534
01:41:16,571 --> 01:41:19,530
- I'm not that fat.
- Fat!
1535
01:41:22,243 --> 01:41:23,734
Fat!
1536
01:41:24,620 --> 01:41:25,952
Fatty!
1537
01:41:26,789 --> 01:41:30,908
Fatso! You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus!
1538
01:41:30,918 --> 01:41:33,410
- Give me the fat books!
- Never! Never!
1539
01:41:33,421 --> 01:41:35,788
Fat, fat, fatty fat!
1540
01:41:37,258 --> 01:41:38,669
- Jesus!
- Give them to me!
1541
01:41:38,676 --> 01:41:40,918
- Give me the books, man!
- Congratulations!
1542
01:41:40,928 --> 01:41:42,419
Congratulations!
1543
01:41:42,430 --> 01:41:46,515
- Give it to me. Give it to me.
- No. No.
1544
01:41:46,517 --> 01:41:48,679
Now that's what
I call celebrating.
1545
01:41:50,605 --> 01:41:55,646
- You lousy fruit. You ruined me.
- You ungrateful breeder!
1546
01:41:55,651 --> 01:41:57,392
After he stepped in
and saved your little show...
1547
01:41:57,403 --> 01:41:58,769
I cannot...
Let go my chains!
1548
01:41:58,779 --> 01:41:59,860
Leave him alone.
1549
01:41:59,864 --> 01:42:01,400
My chains!
1550
01:42:06,704 --> 01:42:09,993
You have broken the Siegfried Oath!
You must die!
1551
01:42:09,999 --> 01:42:11,706
You all must die!
1552
01:42:18,549 --> 01:42:21,633
What are you doing,
you neo-Nazi nitwit?
1553
01:42:21,636 --> 01:42:24,128
- Your show's a hit!
- Who cares?
1554
01:42:24,138 --> 01:42:27,427
- You made a fool out of Hitler!
- He didn't need our help.
1555
01:42:31,228 --> 01:42:34,562
Stand still!
How can I shoot you if you keep moving?
1556
01:42:35,691 --> 01:42:39,275
- Get back here!
- Under the desk! Under the desk!
1557
01:42:40,196 --> 01:42:42,688
- Darling, quick, back in the closet.
- Okay.
1558
01:42:47,828 --> 01:42:51,492
This is no good.
I'm not killing anybody.
1559
01:42:52,625 --> 01:42:54,457
You must cooperate!
1560
01:42:57,880 --> 01:43:00,338
All right,
Bialystock und Bloom.
1561
01:43:00,758 --> 01:43:04,251
Now I got you.
Say your prayers!
1562
01:43:04,637 --> 01:43:06,720
Remember I told you,
I'd tell you when we're in too deep?
1563
01:43:06,722 --> 01:43:08,304
- Yeah?
- We're in too deep.
1564
01:43:08,307 --> 01:43:11,425
- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Franz, don't do it, please.
1565
01:43:11,435 --> 01:43:14,599
- I beg you. No.
- No.
1566
01:43:17,108 --> 01:43:19,225
You sniveling cowards!
1567
01:43:19,735 --> 01:43:21,647
Cringing under a desk!
1568
01:43:21,654 --> 01:43:24,818
Clinging to life
like baby butterflies.
1569
01:43:25,908 --> 01:43:29,401
Franz Liebkind will show you
how to die like a man!
1570
01:43:36,877 --> 01:43:39,836
It's jammed.
Boy, when things go wrong...
1571
01:43:41,716 --> 01:43:44,129
That's it! Next time,
no author.
1572
01:43:47,346 --> 01:43:49,759
What are you shooting at us for,
anyway?
1573
01:43:49,765 --> 01:43:51,506
You Teutonic twit!
1574
01:43:52,810 --> 01:43:54,517
Wait. Wait a minute.
1575
01:43:55,020 --> 01:43:58,559
I just got an idea.
A way to close the show!
1576
01:43:59,108 --> 01:44:00,189
Franz.
1577
01:44:03,070 --> 01:44:06,905
- There, there.
- Where? Where?
1578
01:44:08,367 --> 01:44:09,858
Franz, listen to me.
1579
01:44:10,369 --> 01:44:12,861
Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good?
1580
01:44:12,872 --> 01:44:15,706
- Why don't you shoot the actors?
- The actors?
1581
01:44:15,708 --> 01:44:17,370
Yes, the actors!
1582
01:44:17,376 --> 01:44:19,868
Everybody laughed
at your beloved Fuehrer tonight.
1583
01:44:19,879 --> 01:44:23,543
And why? Because of the actors.
The actors were making fun of him.
1584
01:44:23,716 --> 01:44:28,461
- Yeah, you're right. The actors!
- Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.
1585
01:44:28,471 --> 01:44:32,010
- Kill. Kill all the actors.
- I must kill all the actors.
1586
01:44:32,016 --> 01:44:34,554
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
1587
01:44:35,686 --> 01:44:39,054
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, kill the actors?
1588
01:44:39,064 --> 01:44:41,772
You can't kill the actors.
Actors are not animals.
1589
01:44:41,776 --> 01:44:43,733
- They're human beings.
- They are?
1590
01:44:43,736 --> 01:44:46,729
Have you ever eaten with one? Here, listen...
1591
01:44:46,739 --> 01:44:49,152
- Open up, it's the police.
- The police!
1592
01:44:49,158 --> 01:44:51,358
I said open up that door.
1593
01:44:51,577 --> 01:44:53,068
- Come on, boys!
- I was never a member
1594
01:44:53,078 --> 01:44:54,990
of the Nazi party.
I had nothing to do...
1595
01:44:54,997 --> 01:44:56,533
You, drop that gun.
1596
01:44:58,876 --> 01:44:59,992
Officer!
1597
01:45:00,002 --> 01:45:02,039
- What's going on here?
- This crazy kraut is crackers!
1598
01:45:02,046 --> 01:45:04,413
He crashed in here,
and crassly tried to kill us.
1599
01:45:04,423 --> 01:45:07,040
- Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
- Thank you, darling.
1600
01:45:09,845 --> 01:45:13,304
- Okay! Youse two can go.
- Thank you.
1601
01:45:15,100 --> 01:45:16,762
Tried to kill him, eh?
1602
01:45:18,354 --> 01:45:21,768
Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.
Next stop, Sing Sing.
1603
01:45:21,774 --> 01:45:25,814
Sing Sing. Nein.
You'll never take me alive.
1604
01:45:31,951 --> 01:45:33,192
What happened?
1605
01:45:33,536 --> 01:45:35,778
I broke my other leg.
1606
01:45:42,002 --> 01:45:45,291
All right, who are you?
And why was he trying to shoot you?
1607
01:45:45,756 --> 01:45:49,796
I haven't the slightest idea, Sergeant O'Toole.
1608
01:45:49,802 --> 01:45:52,670
The name is O'Bialystock.
1609
01:45:53,180 --> 01:45:57,220
I was just passing by on me way to
the Pat O'Brien film festival
1610
01:45:57,226 --> 01:46:01,186
and I ducked in to see
what the hell was going on.
1611
01:46:01,188 --> 01:46:03,180
And now I'll be
on me way
1612
01:46:03,190 --> 01:46:05,352
before me voice
gets any higher.
1613
01:46:08,028 --> 01:46:10,611
As we say in the old country,
"Taxi."
1614
01:46:11,282 --> 01:46:12,282
Hold it!
1615
01:46:12,783 --> 01:46:15,150
- Hey, Sarge, look at this.
- What?
1616
01:46:15,160 --> 01:46:20,030
I found these two accounting books.
This one says, "Show to the IRS."
1617
01:46:20,249 --> 01:46:25,210
- And what's the other one say?
- "Never show to the IRS."
1618
01:46:25,671 --> 01:46:28,584
I think the three of you
better come downtown with me.
1619
01:46:28,591 --> 01:46:32,130
- Three?
- Yeah. You and them two books.
1620
01:46:40,185 --> 01:46:41,892
Mr. Bialystock?
1621
01:46:43,272 --> 01:46:46,731
Mr. Bloom? Where are you?
1622
01:46:47,943 --> 01:46:51,562
Everyone is waiting for you
at the opening night party.
1623
01:46:51,947 --> 01:46:54,189
Ulla, help me.
1624
01:47:00,539 --> 01:47:02,280
What happened to you?
1625
01:47:04,293 --> 01:47:05,374
I know.
1626
01:47:05,961 --> 01:47:09,079
You hung up your coat
while you were still in it.
1627
01:47:21,477 --> 01:47:23,434
Thank you
for helping me down.
1628
01:47:32,821 --> 01:47:35,484
- What were you doing up there?
- Hiding.
1629
01:47:36,075 --> 01:47:39,819
- I was hiding.
- From who? From what?
1630
01:47:39,828 --> 01:47:43,697
From the police. They were just here.
They've arrested Max.
1631
01:47:44,625 --> 01:47:48,164
- They found the books.
- I don't know what to do. Poor Max.
1632
01:47:48,462 --> 01:47:51,330
Maybe I should turn myself in
and go to jail with him.
1633
01:47:51,340 --> 01:47:55,960
Well, my sweet cupcake,
I know we both love Max.
1634
01:47:56,220 --> 01:48:00,510
But, it seems to me
you have two choices.
1635
01:48:00,849 --> 01:48:05,014
Number one, you can go to jail
with Mr. Bialystock
1636
01:48:05,312 --> 01:48:09,101
for years
and years and years.
1637
01:48:09,733 --> 01:48:12,191
Or, number two,
1638
01:48:12,611 --> 01:48:15,228
you can take
that $2 million
1639
01:48:15,239 --> 01:48:17,697
and Ulla and go to Rio.
1640
01:48:18,534 --> 01:48:21,402
Oh, my God.
What a dilemma.
1641
01:48:22,913 --> 01:48:24,449
Oh, what should I do?
1642
01:48:24,748 --> 01:48:27,912
Should I go to jail
or go to Rio?
1643
01:48:31,255 --> 01:48:32,666
Mail call.
1644
01:48:33,966 --> 01:48:36,208
Hey, fatso.
1645
01:48:37,845 --> 01:48:40,929
- I'm not that fat!
- Says you.
1646
01:48:42,182 --> 01:48:43,673
You got a postcard.
1647
01:48:44,518 --> 01:48:47,727
- A postcard. From where?
- Brazil.
1648
01:48:49,565 --> 01:48:53,605
Brazil.
Who do I know in Brazil?
1649
01:48:55,279 --> 01:48:56,986
Why am I asking you?
1650
01:49:02,953 --> 01:49:06,617
"Dear Max, Rio was everything
you said it was and more.
1651
01:49:06,832 --> 01:49:09,916
"Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get.
1652
01:49:15,424 --> 01:49:18,667
"In the morning, when we have
breakfast on our terrace.
1653
01:49:18,677 --> 01:49:20,384
"Many different herrings.
1654
01:49:21,180 --> 01:49:25,595
"In the afternoon, when we rub
each others sun-drenched bodies
1655
01:49:25,601 --> 01:49:28,218
"with banana cream
coconut oil.
1656
01:49:28,812 --> 01:49:30,929
"Number 15.
1657
01:49:33,233 --> 01:49:35,225
"And then in the evening
1658
01:49:35,444 --> 01:49:37,936
"when we samba together
in the moonlight."
1659
01:49:38,280 --> 01:49:41,614
You'll find
your happiness in Rio
1660
01:49:41,617 --> 01:49:45,076
The beaches there
are strewn with pearls
1661
01:49:45,079 --> 01:49:48,538
The tropic breezes
always blow there
1662
01:49:48,540 --> 01:49:52,284
And, so we hear,
do the girls
1663
01:49:52,544 --> 01:49:55,127
"Sorry, must run.
Ulla's waiting.
1664
01:49:56,173 --> 01:49:58,290
"It's almost 11:00.
1665
01:50:01,303 --> 01:50:04,762
"Wish you were here.
Your pal,
1666
01:50:05,933 --> 01:50:07,140
"Leo."
1667
01:50:09,061 --> 01:50:13,305
Just like Cain and Abel
You pulled a sneak attack
1668
01:50:13,649 --> 01:50:16,357
I thought
that we were brothers
1669
01:50:16,360 --> 01:50:19,979
Then you stabbed me
in the back
1670
01:50:20,155 --> 01:50:24,274
Betrayed
1671
01:50:24,827 --> 01:50:26,910
Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed
1672
01:50:28,747 --> 01:50:31,660
Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade
1673
01:50:31,667 --> 01:50:34,501
I'm crying in the hoosegow,
You're in Rio getting laid
1674
01:50:34,503 --> 01:50:36,711
Betrayed!
1675
01:50:36,713 --> 01:50:39,626
Let's face it,
I'm betrayed
1676
01:50:40,717 --> 01:50:42,674
Boy
1677
01:50:42,678 --> 01:50:45,716
Have I been taken
1678
01:50:48,475 --> 01:50:50,888
I'm so forsaken
1679
01:50:50,894 --> 01:50:52,510
I should have seen
what came to pass
1680
01:50:52,521 --> 01:50:54,103
I should have known
to watch my ass
1681
01:50:54,106 --> 01:50:56,894
I feel like Othello
Everything is lost
1682
01:50:56,900 --> 01:51:00,018
Leo is Iago,
Max is double-crossed
1683
01:51:00,028 --> 01:51:04,193
I'm so dismayed
Did I mention I'm betrayed?
1684
01:51:04,199 --> 01:51:07,442
Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay my bail
1685
01:51:07,452 --> 01:51:09,193
I have no one
who I can cry to
1686
01:51:09,204 --> 01:51:11,537
No one I can say
goodbye to
1687
01:51:11,832 --> 01:51:15,200
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
1688
01:51:15,210 --> 01:51:17,042
I'm drowning here.
1689
01:51:17,504 --> 01:51:20,042
I'm going down
for the last time.
1690
01:51:21,842 --> 01:51:25,210
I see my whole life
flashing before my eyes.
1691
01:51:26,638 --> 01:51:27,719
I see
1692
01:51:28,515 --> 01:51:31,428
a weathered old farmhouse
with a white picket fence.
1693
01:51:32,561 --> 01:51:36,054
I'm running through fields
of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.
1694
01:51:37,232 --> 01:51:39,315
No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.
1695
01:51:40,569 --> 01:51:43,937
And, I see my mother.
1696
01:51:44,489 --> 01:51:48,153
I see Mama standing
on the back porch
1697
01:51:48,410 --> 01:51:51,574
in a worn but clean
gingham gown.
1698
01:51:51,580 --> 01:51:54,869
And I hear my mama
calling out to me.
1699
01:51:54,875 --> 01:51:58,585
Alvin!
Don't forget your chores.
1700
01:51:58,587 --> 01:52:01,751
The wood needs a-cording
and the cows need a-milking!
1701
01:52:01,757 --> 01:52:05,046
Alvin! Alvin!
1702
01:52:06,094 --> 01:52:09,053
Wait a minute.
My name's not Alvin.
1703
01:52:10,098 --> 01:52:11,555
That's not my life.
1704
01:52:12,559 --> 01:52:15,267
Somebody else's life
is flashing before my eyes.
1705
01:52:17,773 --> 01:52:20,231
What the hell is that about?
1706
01:52:21,318 --> 01:52:23,856
I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx.
1707
01:52:24,613 --> 01:52:28,402
Leo's taken everything.
Even my past.
1708
01:52:28,951 --> 01:52:33,742
My past's a dying ember
1709
01:52:34,915 --> 01:52:39,626
But wait, now I remember
1710
01:52:39,628 --> 01:52:42,245
How did it begin?
He walked into my office
1711
01:52:42,256 --> 01:52:43,963
With his cockamamie scheme
1712
01:52:43,966 --> 01:52:46,629
"You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit"
1713
01:52:46,635 --> 01:52:49,093
We can do it, we can do it
1714
01:52:49,096 --> 01:52:50,212
"I can't do it"
1715
01:52:50,222 --> 01:52:51,303
We can do it!
1716
01:52:51,306 --> 01:52:52,547
"I can't do it"
1717
01:52:52,557 --> 01:52:53,673
"Goodbye, Max."
1718
01:52:54,226 --> 01:52:56,809
Lord, I want that money!
"I'm back, Max"
1719
01:52:56,812 --> 01:53:00,522
Come on, Leo, we can do it
Step one, find the play
1720
01:53:00,524 --> 01:53:03,938
See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it
Hello, Mister Liebkind
1721
01:53:03,944 --> 01:53:05,230
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
1722
01:53:05,237 --> 01:53:07,229
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
1723
01:53:07,239 --> 01:53:08,730
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
1724
01:53:08,740 --> 01:53:10,652
Step two, hire the director.
1725
01:53:10,659 --> 01:53:12,491
Keep it gay
keep it gay, keep it
1726
01:53:12,494 --> 01:53:14,656
Two, three, kick, turn
Turn, turn, kick, turn
1727
01:53:14,663 --> 01:53:15,744
Ulla!
1728
01:53:15,747 --> 01:53:16,954
Wow wow wowee.
1729
01:53:16,957 --> 01:53:19,040
Step three, raise the money.
1730
01:53:19,042 --> 01:53:21,375
Along came Bialy
1731
01:53:21,378 --> 01:53:23,836
Step four,
hire all the actors!
1732
01:53:23,839 --> 01:53:26,377
A wandering minstrel, I
A thing of shreds and
1733
01:53:26,383 --> 01:53:28,420
Next!
The Little Wooden Boy
1734
01:53:28,635 --> 01:53:31,048
Next! That's our Hitler
1735
01:53:31,054 --> 01:53:33,091
Break a leg! "I broke my leg."
1736
01:53:33,390 --> 01:53:36,724
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
A surprise smash
1737
01:53:36,727 --> 01:53:40,061
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
It'll run for years
1738
01:53:40,063 --> 01:53:43,261
Where did we go right?
1739
01:53:43,275 --> 01:53:46,552
Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty
1740
01:53:46,570 --> 01:53:49,984
Books, fat, books, fat
Books, fat, books, fat
1741
01:53:49,990 --> 01:53:51,856
Lousy fruit,
kill the actors
1742
01:53:51,867 --> 01:53:52,983
You ever eat with one?
1743
01:53:53,285 --> 01:53:56,323
Then you ran to Rio
and you're safely out of reach
1744
01:53:56,580 --> 01:53:58,321
I'm behind these bars
1745
01:53:58,332 --> 01:54:02,076
You're banging Ulla
on the beach!
1746
01:54:03,253 --> 01:54:07,088
Just like Julius Caesar
1747
01:54:07,090 --> 01:54:09,457
Was betrayed by Brutus
1748
01:54:09,468 --> 01:54:12,961
Who'd think an accountant
would turn out to be my Judas
1749
01:54:12,971 --> 01:54:15,088
I'm so dismayed
1750
01:54:15,682 --> 01:54:20,097
Is this how I'm repaid?
1751
01:54:20,103 --> 01:54:21,685
To be
1752
01:54:22,064 --> 01:54:26,855
Betrayed
1753
01:54:29,905 --> 01:54:31,897
Betrayed
1754
01:54:34,326 --> 01:54:37,910
Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached your verdict?
1755
01:54:38,330 --> 01:54:40,617
Yes, Your Honor, we have.
1756
01:54:41,833 --> 01:54:45,998
We find the defendant
incredibly guilty.
1757
01:54:47,506 --> 01:54:48,838
No.
1758
01:54:49,466 --> 01:54:51,628
Hold me, touch me.
1759
01:54:53,011 --> 01:54:54,422
I'm a little busy.
1760
01:54:55,514 --> 01:54:59,758
Does the defendant have anything
to say on his own behalf?
1761
01:55:01,353 --> 01:55:03,015
Yes, Your Honor, I do.
1762
01:55:04,731 --> 01:55:07,690
I admit for the last
20 years
1763
01:55:07,692 --> 01:55:10,526
I've been a lying,
double-crossing, two-faced
1764
01:55:10,529 --> 01:55:12,521
backstabbing,
despicable crook.
1765
01:55:13,240 --> 01:55:14,731
But I had no choice.
1766
01:55:16,076 --> 01:55:18,159
I was a Broadway producer.
1767
01:55:20,038 --> 01:55:21,745
A man without a conscience,
1768
01:55:21,748 --> 01:55:23,956
and with no one
who gave a damn about him.
1769
01:55:24,418 --> 01:55:26,956
And that Your Honor,
is what hurts the most.
1770
01:55:27,671 --> 01:55:30,630
I thought I'd at last found
a loyal partner.
1771
01:55:32,217 --> 01:55:34,049
A man I cared about, and,
1772
01:55:35,053 --> 01:55:36,919
who I thought cared about me.
1773
01:55:37,556 --> 01:55:40,094
And what breaks my heart,
is that now when I need him most,
1774
01:55:40,100 --> 01:55:41,557
he's deserted me.
1775
01:55:41,560 --> 01:55:44,348
And I will probably never see
or hear from him ever again.
1776
01:55:44,354 --> 01:55:45,845
That's not true!
1777
01:55:50,193 --> 01:55:52,401
Order! Order in the court!
1778
01:55:52,904 --> 01:55:55,066
And stop that samba!
1779
01:55:56,241 --> 01:55:59,405
- Who are you?
- I am Leopold Bloom.
1780
01:55:59,661 --> 01:56:01,653
Max Bialystock's partner.
1781
01:56:02,747 --> 01:56:04,784
And who are you my dear?
1782
01:56:05,083 --> 01:56:09,168
My name is Ulla Inga
Hansen Benson Yansen...
1783
01:56:09,171 --> 01:56:11,504
Tallen Hallen
Svaden Swanson...
1784
01:56:12,674 --> 01:56:14,882
- Bloom.
- Bloom?
1785
01:56:15,969 --> 01:56:19,053
- You're his wife?
- Ja, Your Honor.
1786
01:56:19,055 --> 01:56:21,638
He wouldn't do it
unless we got married.
1787
01:56:22,851 --> 01:56:24,137
What a schmuck.
1788
01:56:26,146 --> 01:56:29,981
Now, Mr. Bloom, why in the world would
you want to come back here
1789
01:56:29,983 --> 01:56:34,227
- and give yourself up?
- Why? To speak on his behalf.
1790
01:56:34,863 --> 01:56:39,733
We all know that Max Bialystock
is a lying, double-crossing
1791
01:56:39,993 --> 01:56:43,657
two-faced,
slimy, manipulative
1792
01:56:43,663 --> 01:56:45,450
- under-handed...
- Please,
1793
01:56:46,833 --> 01:56:48,074
don't help me.
1794
01:56:50,253 --> 01:56:53,621
Your Honor, Your Honor,
if I may address the court.
1795
01:56:54,508 --> 01:56:56,170
The law was created
1796
01:56:56,676 --> 01:56:59,669
to protect people
from being wronged.
1797
01:57:00,347 --> 01:57:03,806
So whom has
Max Bialystock wronged?
1798
01:57:04,518 --> 01:57:07,101
- Well, not these dear ladies.
- No.
1799
01:57:07,103 --> 01:57:08,719
No, and not me. Not...
1800
01:57:10,357 --> 01:57:11,473
Not me.
1801
01:57:12,692 --> 01:57:14,183
I was this nobody.
1802
01:57:14,903 --> 01:57:17,270
No one ever called me
Leo before...
1803
01:57:18,490 --> 01:57:21,198
I mean, your Honor,
I know it isn't a big legal point,
1804
01:57:21,201 --> 01:57:25,821
but even when I was in kindergarten,
everybody always called me Bloom.
1805
01:57:26,373 --> 01:57:30,413
I guess what I'm trying to say is that,
even when I was in Rio
1806
01:57:30,627 --> 01:57:34,496
and had everything
I'd ever dreamed of,
1807
01:57:38,552 --> 01:57:42,421
I suddenly realized
that this man...
1808
01:57:44,391 --> 01:57:45,552
This man...
1809
01:57:46,851 --> 01:57:50,140
No one ever made me
feel like someone
1810
01:57:50,730 --> 01:57:52,813
Till him
1811
01:57:55,193 --> 01:57:58,527
Life was really nothing
but a glum one
1812
01:57:58,822 --> 01:58:01,314
Till him
1813
01:58:03,201 --> 01:58:06,569
My existence bordered
on the tragic
1814
01:58:07,414 --> 01:58:10,498
Always timid,
never took a chance
1815
01:58:11,501 --> 01:58:13,709
Then I felt his magic
1816
01:58:13,712 --> 01:58:18,503
And my heart
began to dance
1817
01:58:19,759 --> 01:58:23,218
I was always frightened,
fraught with worry
1818
01:58:23,388 --> 01:58:26,552
Till him
1819
01:58:28,059 --> 01:58:31,723
I was going nowhere
in a hurry
1820
01:58:31,730 --> 01:58:36,475
Till him
1821
01:58:36,484 --> 01:58:41,024
He filled up my empty life
1822
01:58:41,031 --> 01:58:45,901
Filled it to the brim
1823
01:58:46,369 --> 01:58:49,112
There could never ever be
1824
01:58:49,122 --> 01:58:52,706
Another one
1825
01:58:54,377 --> 01:58:59,122
Like him
1826
01:59:03,470 --> 01:59:04,677
Leo.
1827
01:59:11,561 --> 01:59:14,850
Leo, I never realized,
1828
01:59:17,067 --> 01:59:18,649
you're a good singer.
1829
01:59:19,819 --> 01:59:20,980
Thank you.
1830
01:59:20,987 --> 01:59:23,320
No, really,
like a professional.
1831
01:59:23,531 --> 01:59:27,195
Well, I sang it for you, Max.
I sang it because I'm your friend.
1832
01:59:29,746 --> 01:59:30,746
You are?
1833
01:59:32,999 --> 01:59:35,286
I've had a lot
of relationships, but...
1834
01:59:35,627 --> 01:59:37,493
You couldn't call
any of them friend.
1835
01:59:37,504 --> 01:59:39,211
But come to think of it,
1836
01:59:39,881 --> 01:59:43,090
no one ever,
ever really knew me.
1837
01:59:43,593 --> 01:59:48,384
Till him
1838
01:59:48,890 --> 01:59:52,975
Everyone was always
out to screw me
1839
01:59:52,977 --> 01:59:56,721
Till him
1840
01:59:58,066 --> 02:00:02,902
Never met a man
I ever trusted
1841
02:00:02,904 --> 02:00:06,397
Always dealt with shysters
in the past
1842
02:00:07,409 --> 02:00:12,370
Now I'm well adjusted
'cause I've got a friend
1843
02:00:12,372 --> 02:00:17,208
At last
1844
02:00:20,046 --> 02:00:21,253
Don't help me.
1845
02:00:22,257 --> 02:00:26,171
Always playing singles
never doubles
1846
02:00:26,720 --> 02:00:29,554
Till him
1847
02:00:44,154 --> 02:00:48,774
Never had a pal
to share my troubles
1848
02:00:48,783 --> 02:00:53,278
Till him
1849
02:00:53,955 --> 02:00:58,746
He filled up my empty life
1850
02:00:59,294 --> 02:01:04,164
Filled it to the brim
1851
02:01:04,924 --> 02:01:07,667
There could never ever be
1852
02:01:07,677 --> 02:01:12,468
Another one
1853
02:01:15,894 --> 02:01:20,685
Like him
1854
02:01:31,075 --> 02:01:33,818
Gentlemen,
it breaks my heart to break up
1855
02:01:33,828 --> 02:01:36,696
such a beautiful friendship,
so I won't.
1856
02:01:37,665 --> 02:01:40,499
Five years in the
State Penitentiary at Sing Sing.
1857
02:01:42,629 --> 02:01:46,122
Gotta sing sing
1858
02:01:46,132 --> 02:01:49,716
Gotta sing sing
1859
02:01:49,928 --> 02:01:53,842
Oh, you can lock us up
und lose the key
1860
02:01:54,182 --> 02:01:57,550
But hearts in love
are always free
1861
02:01:57,560 --> 02:01:58,560
Come on, boys!
1862
02:01:58,728 --> 02:02:02,096
Prisoners of love,
blue skies above
1863
02:02:02,273 --> 02:02:05,892
'Cause we're still prisoners
of love
1864
02:02:05,902 --> 02:02:07,268
Congratulations.
1865
02:02:09,656 --> 02:02:11,943
You now own 45%
1866
02:02:14,994 --> 02:02:18,829
- of Prisoners Of Love. Next!
- How much have you sold so far?
1867
02:02:18,832 --> 02:02:20,664
- 600%.
- Is that all?
1868
02:02:20,667 --> 02:02:22,704
Keep selling.
Keep selling.
1869
02:02:24,712 --> 02:02:25,873
Break it up!
1870
02:02:27,090 --> 02:02:28,297
Give me that!
1871
02:02:28,299 --> 02:02:30,507
How many times
do I have to tell you guys?
1872
02:02:30,510 --> 02:02:32,376
No knife fights
in rehearsal.
1873
02:02:35,807 --> 02:02:38,845
Hi, what are you in for,
lack of rhythm? Get in line.
1874
02:02:38,852 --> 02:02:40,684
Everybody get in line,
right away.
1875
02:02:40,687 --> 02:02:43,225
All right you animals,
let's take it all together now.
1876
02:02:43,231 --> 02:02:45,473
From the top!
Hit it, Franz.
1877
02:02:47,360 --> 02:02:51,354
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1878
02:02:51,364 --> 02:02:53,356
Can't keep our hearts
in jail
1879
02:02:53,366 --> 02:02:55,323
Tempo fellows.
Pick up that tempo!
1880
02:02:55,326 --> 02:02:57,192
- Prisoners of love
- That's it!
1881
02:02:57,203 --> 02:02:58,694
Our turtle doves
1882
02:02:58,705 --> 02:03:02,073
- Okay, just the murderers!
- Hey, you.
1883
02:03:02,083 --> 02:03:04,541
The warden wants to get
in on this thing.
1884
02:03:08,131 --> 02:03:11,374
Tell the warden he now owns
100% of Prisoners Of Love.
1885
02:03:11,384 --> 02:03:13,842
- Thank you.
- Sing out, criminals.
1886
02:03:14,012 --> 02:03:17,346
- Let them hear you in solitary!
- Take it home, boys.
1887
02:03:17,557 --> 02:03:20,891
We open at Leavenworth
on Saturday night!
1888
02:03:21,686 --> 02:03:25,771
Hey, Bialystock, Bloom,
Liebkind. Good news.
1889
02:03:25,773 --> 02:03:27,389
This just came
from the Governor.
1890
02:03:27,400 --> 02:03:29,938
"Gentlemen, you are hereby
granted a full pardon
1891
02:03:29,944 --> 02:03:33,358
"for having, through song and dance,
brought joy and laughter
1892
02:03:33,364 --> 02:03:37,278
"into the hearts of every murderer,
rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."
1893
02:03:37,285 --> 02:03:39,402
- You're free.
- Free!
1894
02:03:39,913 --> 02:03:43,247
Next stop,
Prisoners Of Love on Broadway!
1895
02:03:43,958 --> 02:03:46,917
Adolf, you must tell
the other birds!
1896
02:03:47,629 --> 02:03:52,124
But hearts in love
are always free
1897
02:03:58,348 --> 02:04:02,513
Got to Sing Sing
1898
02:04:02,769 --> 02:04:06,558
Sing Sing
1899
02:04:06,564 --> 02:04:09,898
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1900
02:04:09,901 --> 02:04:12,268
Can't keep our hearts in jail
1901
02:04:12,278 --> 02:04:14,065
Can't keep our hearts
in jail
1902
02:04:14,072 --> 02:04:17,611
Prisoners of love,
our turtle doves
1903
02:04:17,784 --> 02:04:21,027
- Soon coming round with bail
- Tote that bail
1904
02:04:21,037 --> 02:04:24,451
You can lock us up
and lose the key
1905
02:04:24,791 --> 02:04:28,205
But hearts in love
are always free
1906
02:04:28,795 --> 02:04:32,459
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1907
02:04:32,465 --> 02:04:34,502
'Cause
we're still prisoners
1908
02:04:34,509 --> 02:04:36,421
We're still prisoners
1909
02:04:36,427 --> 02:04:41,263
We're still prisoners of love,
love, love, love
1910
02:05:08,001 --> 02:05:11,790
Leo and Max,
up off our backs
1911
02:05:12,046 --> 02:05:15,881
Back on the great
white way
1912
02:05:16,050 --> 02:05:19,964
Leo and Max,
back on our tracks
1913
02:05:20,179 --> 02:05:23,547
We're back on top to stay
1914
02:05:23,558 --> 02:05:27,928
So when we take
your money, never fear
1915
02:05:27,937 --> 02:05:31,897
We'll knock Broadway
right on its ear
1916
02:05:31,899 --> 02:05:33,982
The cast is great,
the script is swell
1917
02:05:33,985 --> 02:05:35,897
But this we're telling you,
sirs
1918
02:05:35,903 --> 02:05:40,523
It's just no go, you've got no show
Without the producers
1919
02:05:43,536 --> 02:05:45,744
We'll never quit
1920
02:05:46,539 --> 02:05:48,326
Hit after hit
1921
02:05:52,253 --> 02:05:56,088
The producers, Leo
1922
02:05:56,090 --> 02:05:58,753
And Max
1923
02:07:46,951 --> 02:07:51,195
The overture is over
The curtain starts to rise
1924
02:07:51,372 --> 02:07:56,163
You're suddenly in clover
You can't believe your eyes
1925
02:07:56,335 --> 02:08:00,921
You're sitting on the aisle
You break into a smile
1926
02:08:00,923 --> 02:08:05,714
Why this magic feeling?
And then you realize
1927
02:08:07,471 --> 02:08:10,760
That there is
1928
02:08:10,766 --> 02:08:15,136
Nothing like a show
on Broadway
1929
02:08:15,146 --> 02:08:19,356
Nothing like
a Broadway show
1930
02:08:19,358 --> 02:08:23,068
Hearts will skip
a beat on Broadway
1931
02:08:23,070 --> 02:08:25,938
If you're feeling blue,
I'm telling you
1932
02:08:25,948 --> 02:08:27,814
That's the place to go
1933
02:08:27,825 --> 02:08:31,910
Movies drag, their endings sag,
TV's just a bore
1934
02:08:31,913 --> 02:08:34,280
So hit the street
And move your feet
1935
02:08:34,290 --> 02:08:35,826
To the place we all adore
1936
02:08:35,833 --> 02:08:39,747
Because there's nothing
like a show on Broadway
1937
02:08:40,129 --> 02:08:43,748
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1938
02:08:44,800 --> 02:08:46,632
It's often been said
The theater is dead
1939
02:08:46,636 --> 02:08:48,628
The critics repeat it
en masse
1940
02:08:48,638 --> 02:08:50,504
But the theater's alive
It's gonna survive
1941
02:08:50,514 --> 02:08:52,130
Although it's a pain
in the ass
1942
02:08:52,141 --> 02:08:54,303
You waited forever
and finally got tickets
1943
02:08:54,310 --> 02:08:55,972
To get to your seat
you gotta cross pickets
1944
02:08:55,978 --> 02:08:57,970
The guy to your right
Is frightfully tight
1945
02:08:57,980 --> 02:09:00,188
The guy to your left
appears to have rickets
1946
02:09:00,816 --> 02:09:02,978
The music's yuck
The lyrics suck
1947
02:09:02,985 --> 02:09:05,022
The casting is all wrong
1948
02:09:05,029 --> 02:09:08,818
And when you reach the bathroom
The line is five miles long
1949
02:09:08,824 --> 02:09:12,283
But still there's nothing
like a show on Broadway
1950
02:09:12,995 --> 02:09:15,658
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1951
02:09:17,124 --> 02:09:19,036
You swear
you'll never go again
1952
02:09:19,043 --> 02:09:21,035
It's simply
not worthwhile
1953
02:09:21,045 --> 02:09:23,128
You make that vow
And then somehow
1954
02:09:23,130 --> 02:09:26,168
You're back there
on the aisle
1955
02:09:28,052 --> 02:09:31,341
That's why there's
1956
02:09:31,347 --> 02:09:35,387
Nothing like a show
on Broadway
1957
02:09:35,393 --> 02:09:38,181
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1958
02:09:38,187 --> 02:09:39,894
Till you're in movies
1959
02:09:39,897 --> 02:09:44,187
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1960
02:09:44,193 --> 02:09:47,937
And though it is expensive
at a hundred bucks a throw
1961
02:09:48,364 --> 02:09:50,856
There's nothing
1962
02:09:51,284 --> 02:09:54,618
Like a Broadway show
1963
02:10:10,261 --> 02:10:14,096
Guten Tag hop hop
1964
02:10:14,598 --> 02:10:18,308
Guten Tag clop clop
1965
02:10:19,145 --> 02:10:22,764
Ach du lieber und
1966
02:10:22,773 --> 02:10:24,890
Oh boy!
1967
02:10:27,570 --> 02:10:31,780
Guten Tag clap clap
1968
02:10:32,491 --> 02:10:36,201
Guten Tag slap slap
1969
02:10:36,912 --> 02:10:38,904
Ach du lieber
1970
02:10:38,914 --> 02:10:42,407
What a joy!
1971
02:10:45,212 --> 02:10:49,627
We essen und fressen
1972
02:10:49,633 --> 02:10:53,718
Und tanzen und trinken
1973
02:10:55,097 --> 02:10:58,465
Tanzen und trinken
1974
02:10:58,476 --> 02:11:03,016
Until we get stinking
1975
02:11:08,110 --> 02:11:12,024
So we hop our hops
1976
02:11:12,365 --> 02:11:16,826
Und we clop our clops
1977
02:11:18,496 --> 02:11:22,456
Und we drink our Schnapps
1978
02:11:22,458 --> 02:11:25,576
Till we platz
1979
02:11:27,254 --> 02:11:30,793
We drink our Schnapps
1980
02:11:31,926 --> 02:11:35,465
Till we platz
1981
02:11:37,014 --> 02:11:39,301
Ach du lieber
1982
02:11:39,308 --> 02:11:44,269
What a joy
1983
02:11:45,272 --> 02:11:49,516
We essen und fressen
1984
02:11:49,902 --> 02:11:54,021
Und tanzen und trinken
1985
02:11:54,782 --> 02:11:58,366
Tanzen und trinken
1986
02:11:58,828 --> 02:12:03,038
Until we get stinking
1987
02:12:03,833 --> 02:12:05,950
Stinking
1988
02:12:06,127 --> 02:12:08,665
Stinking
1989
02:12:10,631 --> 02:12:14,671
Guten Tag hop hop
1990
02:12:15,010 --> 02:12:18,799
Guten Tag clop clop
1991
02:12:19,390 --> 02:12:23,100
Guten Tag, mein lieber
1992
02:12:23,894 --> 02:12:27,308
Schatz
1993
02:12:28,232 --> 02:12:32,021
So we hop our hops
1994
02:12:32,820 --> 02:12:36,939
Und we clop our clops
1995
02:12:38,909 --> 02:12:42,903
Und we drink our Schnapps
1996
02:12:42,913 --> 02:12:46,247
Till we platz
1997
02:12:48,461 --> 02:12:52,421
We drink our Schnapps
1998
02:12:52,423 --> 02:12:56,667
Till we platz
1999
02:13:09,899 --> 02:13:14,860
Don't forget to buy
Mein Kampf in paperback.
2000
02:13:17,364 --> 02:13:19,777
Available near you
2001
02:13:21,327 --> 02:13:23,239
at Borders Books
2002
02:13:24,163 --> 02:13:26,120
or Barnes and Noble
2003
02:13:26,790 --> 02:13:29,954
und Amazon dot com.
2004
02:13:34,089 --> 02:13:36,797
Guten Tag.
2005
02:13:42,515 --> 02:13:45,132
Thanks for coming
to see our show
2006
02:13:45,392 --> 02:13:47,850
Sad to tell you
we got to go
2007
02:13:48,062 --> 02:13:50,725
Grab your hat
and head for the door
2008
02:13:50,940 --> 02:13:53,683
In case you didn't notice,
there ain't any more
2009
02:13:53,984 --> 02:13:56,522
If you like our show,
tell everyone, but
2010
02:13:56,862 --> 02:13:59,525
If you think it stinks,
keep your big mouth shut
2011
02:14:00,741 --> 02:14:03,734
We're glad you came
but we have to shout
2012
02:14:03,744 --> 02:14:06,657
Adios, au revoir
Wiedersehen, ta, ta, ta
2013
02:14:06,664 --> 02:14:07,905
Goodbye
2014
02:14:07,915 --> 02:14:09,122
Get lost
2015
02:14:09,124 --> 02:14:13,038
Get out
2016
02:14:13,254 --> 02:14:14,370
It's over.
151684
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