All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) 6x18 - The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook (English)

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,108 --> 00:00:02,547 The '80s marked the rise of the cooking show. 2 00:00:02,781 --> 00:00:05,096 There was Yan, The Galloping Gourmet, 3 00:00:05,257 --> 00:00:08,190 the Cajun cook, and of course, a Swedish Muppet. 4 00:00:08,352 --> 00:00:11,511 But my mom's lifelong hero was Julia Child. 5 00:00:11,546 --> 00:00:12,849 I'm Julia Child. 6 00:00:13,384 --> 00:00:13,500 Julia's show, The French Chef, 7 00:00:13,540 --> 00:00:15,560 was the inspiration for our family's 8 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,387 deliciously cheesy "French phase." 9 00:00:18,427 --> 00:00:21,048 BEVERLY: For Erica, savory Quiche Lorraine. 10 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,147 For Murray, melty cheese fondue. 11 00:00:23,186 --> 00:00:26,280 It's like nachos without the hassle. 12 00:00:26,319 --> 00:00:30,271 And for my hungry bear, potatoes au gratin, extra gratin. 13 00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:33,227 This is gonna wreck me. Thanks, Mom. 14 00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:34,774 Julia even inspired my mom to write 15 00:00:34,813 --> 00:00:36,311 The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook. 16 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,370 She sent it to every publisher in town, 17 00:00:38,419 --> 00:00:41,247 confident that she'd take the cooking world by storm. 18 00:00:41,287 --> 00:00:42,400 Or... Not. 19 00:00:42,449 --> 00:00:44,243 Aw, honey, what's wrong? 20 00:00:44,292 --> 00:00:45,790 Nothing. 21 00:00:45,829 --> 00:00:47,849 I'm just tearing up 'cause Julia's chopping an onion. 22 00:00:47,888 --> 00:00:50,933 You do know that that onion is on TV, right? 23 00:00:50,982 --> 00:00:53,120 Okay, fine! 24 00:00:53,170 --> 00:00:54,795 It's my cookbook. 25 00:00:54,835 --> 00:00:56,855 I sent it out to some publishers, 26 00:00:56,894 --> 00:01:00,028 and they said I was poop and that my cooking was poop 27 00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,254 and that my one and only dream is poop! 28 00:01:02,304 --> 00:01:03,969 No one has just one dream, Bevy. 29 00:01:04,018 --> 00:01:05,989 I'm sure you got plenty of others. 30 00:01:06,028 --> 00:01:07,743 Well, like Barry becomes a doctor, 31 00:01:07,792 --> 00:01:10,364 Erica wins a Grammy, Adam gets a rare disease 32 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:11,694 that prevents his snuggly little body 33 00:01:11,733 --> 00:01:13,881 from developing into a full adult man. 34 00:01:13,921 --> 00:01:16,492 Bev, none of those dreams are about you, 35 00:01:16,542 --> 00:01:18,936 and one in particular is very troubling. 36 00:01:18,985 --> 00:01:21,340 Damn it, I know! Erica's never gonna win a Grammy! 37 00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:23,744 Okay, I'm sure it's not as bad as ya think. 38 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,075 Lemme see that letter. 39 00:01:25,114 --> 00:01:26,740 Take your pick. 40 00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:30,435 "Dear Ms. Goldberg, your blending of fish and veal 41 00:01:30,474 --> 00:01:33,558 "is both upsetting and against God's plan." 42 00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,406 ? I'm twisted up inside 43 00:01:38,455 --> 00:01:41,234 ? But nonetheless I feel the need to say 44 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,106 Synced and Corrected By YesCool www.addic7ed.com 45 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:45,865 ? I don't know the future 46 00:01:45,914 --> 00:01:49,471 ? But the past keeps getting clearer every day ? 47 00:01:49,511 --> 00:01:51,826 It was March 13th, 1980-something, 48 00:01:51,876 --> 00:01:54,319 and my brother had a new concern about his future. 49 00:01:54,359 --> 00:01:57,364 Listen up. I've got some deeply upsetting news, JTP. 50 00:01:57,403 --> 00:01:59,807 - JTP! - No! Not the time. 51 00:01:59,847 --> 00:02:01,305 Mr. Glascott just called 52 00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:03,148 an emergency college meeting with me 53 00:02:03,197 --> 00:02:04,695 by chasing me down the hall. 54 00:02:04,734 --> 00:02:06,025 Oh, no. What's wrong? 55 00:02:06,064 --> 00:02:08,212 Turns out, we all need recommendation letters 56 00:02:08,252 --> 00:02:10,055 from teachers to get into college. 57 00:02:10,094 --> 00:02:11,474 And? 58 00:02:11,513 --> 00:02:14,213 Wait, you all knew about this and didn't tell me? 59 00:02:14,262 --> 00:02:15,592 I tried to tell you, but you said... 60 00:02:15,632 --> 00:02:18,499 - Stop speaking, Matt Bradley! - Yeah, that exactly. 61 00:02:18,548 --> 00:02:20,135 Seriously, you all have 'em? 62 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,667 Definitely to rub it in your face, but Geoff got 12 reccos. 63 00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:25,318 Twelve? That's almost a baker's dozen! 64 00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:27,081 Gimme one. 65 00:02:27,121 --> 00:02:29,013 I'll just open it and change the name from Geoff to Big Tasty. 66 00:02:29,052 --> 00:02:30,983 - No! - What's the big deal? 67 00:02:31,023 --> 00:02:32,481 Bar, those letters were written about me. 68 00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:33,732 And they need to be sent in sealed 69 00:02:33,772 --> 00:02:35,447 so the admissions people know they're legit. 70 00:02:35,486 --> 00:02:36,945 So, you're saying I'm going to actually 71 00:02:36,984 --> 00:02:39,428 have to ask a teacher to write nice stuff about me? 72 00:02:39,477 --> 00:02:41,103 Ha! You're not going to college. 73 00:02:41,142 --> 00:02:42,650 College-what? Who said college? 74 00:02:42,689 --> 00:02:43,852 Whoa, where'd he come from? 75 00:02:43,891 --> 00:02:45,734 For a big man, he moves like a phantom. 76 00:02:45,773 --> 00:02:47,153 Because college is the only thing that matters to me... 77 00:02:47,192 --> 00:02:48,433 That and the thermostat. 78 00:02:48,483 --> 00:02:51,183 Okay, don't freak out and call me a moron, 79 00:02:51,222 --> 00:02:54,907 but I've apparently thus far failed to "obtain" 80 00:02:54,956 --> 00:03:00,277 a "recommendation letter" from a "teacher" at "school." 81 00:03:00,317 --> 00:03:02,800 Stop with the quotes. My God, I raised a moron. 82 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,642 You have. "This is your fault." 83 00:03:04,691 --> 00:03:06,278 Luckily, our school had 84 00:03:06,317 --> 00:03:07,687 an insanely nice science teacher 85 00:03:07,736 --> 00:03:08,849 who couldn't say no to anyone. 86 00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:10,980 - Dr. Katman? - Down here! 87 00:03:11,748 --> 00:03:12,950 Oh, no! 88 00:03:12,990 --> 00:03:14,409 You're lying on a bed of nails! 89 00:03:14,448 --> 00:03:17,108 Physics is just so bitchin'! Am I right? 90 00:03:17,158 --> 00:03:18,784 Wanna try? 91 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:21,611 Mmm. Well anyway, I know this is last minute, 92 00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:23,030 but apparently you gotta have a teacher 93 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,898 - write you a college rec... - Aw, buddy! 94 00:03:25,947 --> 00:03:28,775 I am so honored you asked me. Truly, man! 95 00:03:28,814 --> 00:03:30,529 - Really? - Call me a proton! 96 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:32,460 That's how positive I am! 97 00:03:32,509 --> 00:03:34,825 - Dude, I really owe you one! - Stop. 98 00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:38,254 Just like a neutron, there's no charge. 99 00:03:38,293 --> 00:03:40,609 And also please don't put any of those jokes in my letter. 100 00:03:40,658 --> 00:03:42,628 With that, Barry's problem was solved. 101 00:03:42,668 --> 00:03:45,673 And after all my mom's rejection letters, 102 00:03:45,713 --> 00:03:47,989 she turned to her hero, Julia Child, for answers. 103 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,447 Adam, I need your help. 104 00:03:49,486 --> 00:03:51,930 This is a legitimate, real emergency. 105 00:03:51,979 --> 00:03:53,694 Oh, my God, what? 106 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:57,931 I've thought of a super-easy, fool proof way to sell my book. 107 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,722 I'm gonna do a cooking show like Julia Child, 108 00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,895 and you are gonna be my director and my on-camera sidekick. 109 00:04:03,935 --> 00:04:05,097 I didn't follow any of that, 110 00:04:05,137 --> 00:04:07,285 but I'm pretty sure it's not an emergency. 111 00:04:07,324 --> 00:04:08,674 You know, at first, the rejection 112 00:04:08,675 --> 00:04:10,024 letters were devastating, 113 00:04:10,073 --> 00:04:13,246 but then I remembered that Julia didn't become famous 114 00:04:13,285 --> 00:04:15,818 'til she was 50 and had her own cooking show! 115 00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:17,788 Huh? That's where you come in. 116 00:04:17,838 --> 00:04:19,119 Or go out as fast as I can 117 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:20,666 'cause what you just said is horrifying. 118 00:04:20,705 --> 00:04:23,060 But this is so up your alley, Adam. 119 00:04:23,109 --> 00:04:24,952 You're always running around with a video camera. 120 00:04:24,991 --> 00:04:27,996 Me? Nah, that's like the opposite of what I do. 121 00:04:28,036 --> 00:04:29,878 You got a camera in your hand right now. 122 00:04:29,928 --> 00:04:31,603 Good eye! Good eye. 123 00:04:31,642 --> 00:04:33,061 Thing is, I was just about to 124 00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,633 put this in the garage 'cause making childish movies 125 00:04:35,672 --> 00:04:36,963 just doesn't appeal to me anymore. 126 00:04:37,002 --> 00:04:38,973 Let's start filming, kiddo. 127 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:42,530 This karate tortoise outfit is already making me schvitz. 128 00:04:42,579 --> 00:04:45,279 Okay, fine! I still make awesome movies! 129 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,851 But I honestly don't know the first thing about making a cooking show. 130 00:04:47,890 --> 00:04:51,969 It's The Chadam Cooking Hour: episode 140! 131 00:04:52,009 --> 00:04:55,743 Okay, fine! I made six years' worth of cooking shows! 132 00:04:55,783 --> 00:04:57,369 Doesn't mean I can help you! 133 00:04:57,418 --> 00:04:59,685 Adam, please. Be my cooking sidekick. 134 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,143 It's my dream. 135 00:05:01,192 --> 00:05:03,715 Adam, I saw the rejection letters! 136 00:05:03,764 --> 00:05:05,133 It was too much! 137 00:05:05,173 --> 00:05:07,922 Just help the lady with her dream! 138 00:05:07,961 --> 00:05:10,277 Even if I wanted to help, I don't run a TV station. 139 00:05:10,326 --> 00:05:11,863 I'm just a kid with a camera. 140 00:05:11,913 --> 00:05:13,666 What about public access? 141 00:05:13,706 --> 00:05:15,637 They'll let anyone on there. 142 00:05:15,686 --> 00:05:17,873 I watch this one program where a lady 143 00:05:17,874 --> 00:05:20,061 answers tax questions in a bikini. 144 00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:22,712 Her information is definitely wrong, 145 00:05:22,761 --> 00:05:24,140 - but I'm a loyal viewer. - Perfect. 146 00:05:24,144 --> 00:05:26,331 I'm gonna call public access and verbally harass 147 00:05:26,371 --> 00:05:27,750 the first person who picks up 148 00:05:27,790 --> 00:05:29,376 and tell them that we are coming down there! 149 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,091 We're gonna be TV stars! 150 00:05:31,140 --> 00:05:33,968 While I was facing a world of embarrassment, 151 00:05:34,007 --> 00:05:36,835 Barry was ready to rub his recco letter in Erica's face. 152 00:05:36,884 --> 00:05:39,111 - Hey, my Caboodle! - Erica's Caboodle! 153 00:05:39,151 --> 00:05:40,609 Silence! 154 00:05:40,658 --> 00:05:44,471 In my hand, I hold a glowing recco from Dr. Katman. 155 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,442 - Oh, man, what a relief! - Yeah. 156 00:05:46,491 --> 00:05:48,206 Feels good to know I'm not gonna be 157 00:05:48,245 --> 00:05:49,831 a full-time drain on society like your 158 00:05:49,832 --> 00:05:51,418 miserable couch sloth of a girlfriend. 159 00:05:51,457 --> 00:05:54,551 - Excuse me? - You've worn sweats for six straight days. 160 00:05:54,591 --> 00:05:56,354 - You get it. - Well, I wouldn't be so cocky. 161 00:05:56,394 --> 00:05:58,493 You don't even know what that teacher wrote about you. 162 00:05:58,542 --> 00:06:01,153 I'm sure it's great. Dr. Katman's super nice and also, 163 00:06:01,192 --> 00:06:02,779 he has, like, the most hilarious science jokes. 164 00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:05,183 They guy's nice, all right. If anything, too nice. 165 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:07,154 The kind of nice you almost don't trust. 166 00:06:07,203 --> 00:06:08,188 It's like, "What are you hiding, man?" 167 00:06:08,228 --> 00:06:10,592 It is like he's hiding something. 168 00:06:10,632 --> 00:06:11,745 Erica, stop. 169 00:06:11,785 --> 00:06:13,371 Don't whip him into a frenzy 170 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:16,288 just because he commented on your current life situation. 171 00:06:16,337 --> 00:06:18,347 I'm not. I'm just stating the simple fact 172 00:06:18,396 --> 00:06:20,111 that one single letter can ruin his life forever. 173 00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:21,161 I gotta see what's in this letter! 174 00:06:21,276 --> 00:06:22,784 Barry, stop. You can't look at that. 175 00:06:22,823 --> 00:06:24,370 Wait, I got something. 176 00:06:24,409 --> 00:06:25,828 What's "poosnicken" mean? 177 00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:27,198 Is that good from an educator? 178 00:06:27,237 --> 00:06:28,400 Doesn't sound good. 179 00:06:28,439 --> 00:06:29,898 Ta. 180 00:06:29,947 --> 00:06:31,405 Couch sloth my ass. 181 00:06:31,445 --> 00:06:33,888 Dude, she's just messing with you 'cause she's in a bad place. 182 00:06:33,928 --> 00:06:35,179 Yeah, I know. You're right. 183 00:06:35,218 --> 00:06:37,918 And yet, it's too late. I assumed. 184 00:06:37,958 --> 00:06:40,923 And so, Barry broke the sacred code of the recco letter 185 00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:42,293 using a high-tech method he learned 186 00:06:42,294 --> 00:06:43,623 from watching Murder, She Wrote. 187 00:06:43,663 --> 00:06:45,683 Oh, crap! It worked! 188 00:06:45,722 --> 00:06:48,215 "It is a great honor and privilege to give 189 00:06:48,254 --> 00:06:51,131 "Barry Goldberg my highest recommendation." 190 00:06:51,171 --> 00:06:53,703 Uh, Bar? The steam is making the ink run! 191 00:06:53,743 --> 00:06:55,290 Don't panic! We'll just dry it off with the iron. 192 00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:59,487 Oh, no! The iron's intense heat is burning the paper! 193 00:06:59,536 --> 00:07:02,492 Don't panic. I'll just spray it with water from this bottle. 194 00:07:02,532 --> 00:07:04,808 Oh, no! The charred remnants are soaked, 195 00:07:04,847 --> 00:07:06,483 and now the ink's running even more! 196 00:07:06,522 --> 00:07:08,276 Don't panic! I'll just hit it with the iron again! 197 00:07:09,823 --> 00:07:11,025 Let me try to piece it back together! 198 00:07:11,065 --> 00:07:12,907 - Time to panic! - Aah! Aah! 199 00:07:12,957 --> 00:07:14,799 The charred remnants are burning my hands! 200 00:07:14,838 --> 00:07:16,642 While Barry destroyed his letter, 201 00:07:16,681 --> 00:07:20,031 my mom was taking a page from Julia Child for our first rehearsal. 202 00:07:20,071 --> 00:07:22,130 And action. 203 00:07:22,179 --> 00:07:23,894 Hi, I'm Adam. 204 00:07:23,933 --> 00:07:25,736 Hello! I'm Beverly Goldberg. 205 00:07:25,776 --> 00:07:27,323 Welcome to The Goldberg Gourmet. 206 00:07:27,362 --> 00:07:29,510 Bon appetit! 207 00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:30,752 And cut. 208 00:07:30,791 --> 00:07:33,924 Okay, I got some performance notes. 209 00:07:33,964 --> 00:07:36,969 - Hit me. - So, you're a human person. 210 00:07:37,008 --> 00:07:38,723 So, you should talk like one. 211 00:07:38,772 --> 00:07:41,689 And action. 212 00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:43,275 - Well, hello! - Cut. 213 00:07:43,315 --> 00:07:44,733 - Hello! - Cut. 214 00:07:44,773 --> 00:07:46,264 - Hello, I'm Beverly Goldberg... - Cut! 215 00:07:46,428 --> 00:07:50,073 Welcome to The Goldberg Gourmet. Bon appetit. 216 00:07:50,123 --> 00:07:51,453 And... Cut. 217 00:07:51,492 --> 00:07:53,246 I think I know what's happening. 218 00:07:53,295 --> 00:07:55,306 Seems whenever I say "action," 219 00:07:55,355 --> 00:07:58,055 your mom panics and becomes Julia Child. 220 00:07:58,094 --> 00:08:00,626 Oh, don't be ridiculous! Here, I'll prove it. 221 00:08:00,666 --> 00:08:03,326 - Say "action" and watch me cook. - Action. 222 00:08:03,375 --> 00:08:05,297 This lovely dish is made 223 00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:07,918 with saltwater prawns, Parmesan cheese, 224 00:08:07,957 --> 00:08:09,977 and butter because butter is better! 225 00:08:10,017 --> 00:08:12,115 - I'm Julia Child! - Cut. 226 00:08:12,165 --> 00:08:13,968 Okay, maybe I am doing a little something. 227 00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:15,426 And I'm doing a lot of quitting. 228 00:08:15,465 --> 00:08:16,924 - Good luck with your project. - Wait, why? 229 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:19,279 'Cause you're gonna embarrass me on public television, 230 00:08:19,328 --> 00:08:20,520 seen by dozens. 231 00:08:20,569 --> 00:08:22,501 And it doesn't matter to you that this might 232 00:08:22,540 --> 00:08:24,688 - actually help sell my cookbook? - No! 233 00:08:25,027 --> 00:08:27,855 'Cause my mom making a cookbook is also embarrassing, 234 00:08:27,905 --> 00:08:29,683 and so are your aprons and weird 235 00:08:29,684 --> 00:08:31,462 parm dishes and everything about you. 236 00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:33,344 It's pure embarrassment, 237 00:08:33,393 --> 00:08:35,580 and you have no idea what it feels like. 238 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:37,935 Oh-ho, and you think I'm never embarrassed by you? 239 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,610 Um, no! 240 00:08:39,650 --> 00:08:41,620 I think you made it pretty clear you love everything that I do. 241 00:08:41,670 --> 00:08:44,064 So, you don't think I'm embarrassed when I have friends over, 242 00:08:44,113 --> 00:08:47,030 and you do one of your creepy shows with a ventriloquist dummy? 243 00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:49,001 You bought us matching outfits! 244 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,626 And you don't think I was embarrassed 245 00:08:50,676 --> 00:08:53,287 to watch a three-hour one-man show 246 00:08:53,326 --> 00:08:56,203 where you played an eclectic cast of international characters? 247 00:08:56,243 --> 00:08:59,120 You said my Jamaican accent was spot-on, mon! 248 00:08:59,159 --> 00:09:00,361 And you don't think I was embarrassed 249 00:09:00,411 --> 00:09:03,189 to run down to your school with an extra pair of pants 250 00:09:03,239 --> 00:09:06,411 because of the thing I promised never to speak about? 251 00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,495 Promise broken! 252 00:09:09,545 --> 00:09:11,042 Baby, you are ten thousand times 253 00:09:11,043 --> 00:09:12,540 more embarrassing than I will ever be, 254 00:09:12,589 --> 00:09:16,167 but it doesn't matter because I love you more than anything! 255 00:09:16,335 --> 00:09:18,800 Clearly, you don't feel the same way. 256 00:09:20,826 --> 00:09:23,277 And cut! 257 00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:25,249 Come on. 258 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,680 Even though Barry ruined his college reco, he knew doc 259 00:09:28,824 --> 00:09:30,564 will be more than happy to write him a new one. 260 00:09:32,299 --> 00:09:33,462 - Hey, Doc! Got a sec? - Of course, Goldie! 261 00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:35,295 A little time for my star student. 262 00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:39,254 But first, let me wet the ole whistle with some wine. 263 00:09:39,303 --> 00:09:41,175 Oh, you say this is just water. 264 00:09:41,224 --> 00:09:42,498 I didn't say anything. 265 00:09:47,105 --> 00:09:48,349 A toast to you! 266 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:49,712 Fun. 267 00:09:49,751 --> 00:09:51,053 So, what's the important news? I'm excited. 268 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,266 You should be. Remember that letter you wrote me? 269 00:09:53,305 --> 00:09:55,226 Of course. Your college recommendation letter. 270 00:09:55,265 --> 00:09:57,059 Yeah, that's the one. 271 00:09:57,098 --> 00:09:59,019 Turns out, I read it against your wishes 272 00:09:59,068 --> 00:10:00,597 and destroyed it with fire and water. 273 00:10:00,646 --> 00:10:02,224 But you're gonna write me a new one 274 00:10:02,263 --> 00:10:04,223 'cause you did say I'm your star student. 275 00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:06,526 It doesn't feel like that anymore, pal. 276 00:10:06,575 --> 00:10:08,957 Wow, I'm like really mad right now. 277 00:10:09,006 --> 00:10:10,456 I understand why you would be, 278 00:10:10,496 --> 00:10:13,269 but I'm very confused by your smile and cheery tone. 279 00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:14,543 Well, let me clear it up. 280 00:10:14,592 --> 00:10:17,023 I'm really pissed, and I'm not gonna write [BLEEP] for you, 281 00:10:17,062 --> 00:10:18,817 because what you did was really [BLEEP] up. 282 00:10:18,856 --> 00:10:21,071 But I still need a recco for college. 283 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,374 I'd ask another teacher, pal. I wish you all the best. 284 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:24,874 Uh-oh. Yeah, uh-oh! 285 00:10:24,913 --> 00:10:26,873 You better go because I'm saying words 286 00:10:26,922 --> 00:10:28,539 that I never thought I would say to a child! 287 00:10:28,578 --> 00:10:31,136 [BLEEP] [BLEEP] 288 00:10:31,185 --> 00:10:32,724 Hey, man, you okay? 289 00:10:32,763 --> 00:10:34,557 You've barely touched your Fruit Roll-Up finger. 290 00:10:34,596 --> 00:10:36,605 Eh. Last night, I got into it with my mom, 291 00:10:36,644 --> 00:10:37,585 and she kinda got in my head. 292 00:10:37,625 --> 00:10:39,889 How? 293 00:10:39,928 --> 00:10:41,251 Do you guys think I'm embarrassing? 294 00:10:45,426 --> 00:10:47,651 Oh, balls! You're all avoiding eye contact! 295 00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:50,376 Bro, I think it's pretty well-known that you're... Unique. 296 00:10:50,425 --> 00:10:52,081 - I'd say one of a kind. - Your own man. 297 00:10:52,130 --> 00:10:54,855 Those are just nice ways of saying I'm super embarrassing! 298 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:55,682 What's up? 299 00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:57,163 Adam's mom caved and finally 300 00:10:57,164 --> 00:10:58,340 admitted the kid's an embarrassment. 301 00:10:58,379 --> 00:10:59,790 - Oh, sure. - What? 302 00:10:59,829 --> 00:11:02,044 You're my girlfriend! You're aware of this, too? 303 00:11:02,093 --> 00:11:04,436 - It's endearing. - Aww... 304 00:11:04,485 --> 00:11:06,523 Also... Aw! 305 00:11:06,572 --> 00:11:07,978 How can my own mother protect and 306 00:11:07,979 --> 00:11:09,385 praise me with a lifetime of lies? 307 00:11:09,424 --> 00:11:11,345 So, you're saying she's a bad mom 308 00:11:11,394 --> 00:11:12,673 for accepting the humiliation you 309 00:11:12,674 --> 00:11:13,952 bring her with grace and kindness? 310 00:11:13,992 --> 00:11:17,059 Yes! God, I suck! 311 00:11:17,108 --> 00:11:19,627 For the first time ever, my mom needed me to support her, 312 00:11:19,666 --> 00:11:21,284 and I flat-out said no. 313 00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,038 Well, there has to be some way you can make it right. 314 00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:25,292 It's obvious! 315 00:11:25,341 --> 00:11:28,027 I'll just co-host a public access cooking show with her! 316 00:11:28,066 --> 00:11:29,732 Not sure how obvious that was. 317 00:11:29,771 --> 00:11:31,477 My mom wants to be the darling of the food world 318 00:11:31,526 --> 00:11:32,633 who sells millions of cookbooks, 319 00:11:32,672 --> 00:11:35,701 and I will not rest until it happens! 320 00:11:35,750 --> 00:11:37,877 As I was off to help my mom with her TV dreams, 321 00:11:37,926 --> 00:11:40,180 Barry was on a mission for a new recco. 322 00:11:40,229 --> 00:11:41,719 All right, before I do, 323 00:11:41,758 --> 00:11:43,424 let's just take a look at some of the work 324 00:11:43,463 --> 00:11:44,747 you did this year in my class. 325 00:11:44,786 --> 00:11:46,237 What is this? 326 00:11:46,286 --> 00:11:47,609 That's my napkin holder. 327 00:11:47,648 --> 00:11:49,393 And this? 328 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,529 That's a shoe holder, for the holding of shoes. 329 00:11:51,568 --> 00:11:52,676 What exactly is this? 330 00:11:52,725 --> 00:11:54,264 Bird house. 331 00:11:54,303 --> 00:11:56,606 And where exactly would a bird live? 332 00:11:56,645 --> 00:12:00,575 On top of it. Or it could lie down here or walk around over here. 333 00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:03,771 Thank you for your time. 334 00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,055 You were stage crew for two days 335 00:12:05,094 --> 00:12:06,966 and dropped a chandelier on my head. 336 00:12:07,015 --> 00:12:08,210 Thank you for your time. 337 00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:10,896 In order to save you time and energy, 338 00:12:10,935 --> 00:12:13,366 I've written the recommendation letter myself. 339 00:12:13,415 --> 00:12:14,777 If you could just sign it... "Barry 340 00:12:14,778 --> 00:12:16,139 Goldberg can squat a baby elephant 341 00:12:16,188 --> 00:12:19,168 "and bench 275 an unlimited number of times." 342 00:12:19,217 --> 00:12:21,647 Uh-huh. Just right at the bottom there... 343 00:12:21,687 --> 00:12:23,902 Tell you what, if you can do one pull up, 344 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,587 I'll sign this letter and walk it to the college myself. 345 00:12:33,036 --> 00:12:34,359 Thank you for your time. 346 00:12:35,976 --> 00:12:37,260 Well, you can't just give up. 347 00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:40,073 - You need a good recco to get into... - Shh! 348 00:12:40,112 --> 00:12:42,033 Don't say that word 'cause Dad will hear. 349 00:12:42,073 --> 00:12:45,023 Oh, man, I've sunk so low that I've stopped my own brother 350 00:12:45,062 --> 00:12:46,209 - from getting into... _ 351 00:12:46,258 --> 00:12:48,600 No! I destroyed the letter. 352 00:12:48,649 --> 00:12:50,991 This whole _ mess is my fault. 353 00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:52,697 I only convinced you that Doc wrote you 354 00:12:52,736 --> 00:12:54,842 a bad recco 'cause I was jealous. 355 00:12:55,031 --> 00:12:56,648 'Cause I'm going to _? 356 00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:57,756 Yes! 357 00:12:57,795 --> 00:13:00,784 You're about to go on a wild _ adventure. 358 00:13:00,824 --> 00:13:03,127 I know I thought that dropping out of _ 359 00:13:03,176 --> 00:13:05,391 was the right move, but I'm realizing that 360 00:13:05,430 --> 00:13:08,204 I really needed _ to grow up a bit. 361 00:13:08,253 --> 00:13:10,850 Look, I know you're freaking out about your future, 362 00:13:10,899 --> 00:13:12,173 but if anyone's gonna be a rock star, 363 00:13:12,212 --> 00:13:13,241 it's my rock star sister. 364 00:13:13,878 --> 00:13:15,505 That means a lot. 365 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,123 I'm sorry I've been such a jerk. 366 00:13:17,162 --> 00:13:18,446 It's cool. 367 00:13:18,485 --> 00:13:20,318 Everyone stresses out when it comes to college. 368 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,493 Who said college? What happened? Tell me! 369 00:13:22,542 --> 00:13:24,885 Okay! Fine! I messed up. 370 00:13:24,924 --> 00:13:26,546 No, I did. I got in Barry's 371 00:13:26,547 --> 00:13:28,168 head and made him open his recco. 372 00:13:28,217 --> 00:13:30,050 - And then he ruined it. - Wait, you know? 373 00:13:30,089 --> 00:13:31,667 Yes! I found that charred, 374 00:13:31,706 --> 00:13:33,716 damp letter right where you left it. 375 00:13:33,755 --> 00:13:36,274 Gah! Why didn't Mom clean that up? 376 00:13:36,313 --> 00:13:37,724 Because you're a dumbass, 377 00:13:37,763 --> 00:13:39,537 which is why I went to Katman 378 00:13:39,538 --> 00:13:41,311 and got you a brand-new recco. 379 00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:42,334 How is this happening? 380 00:13:42,595 --> 00:13:45,839 The man said no and cursed me out in the nicest possible way! 381 00:13:45,888 --> 00:13:48,097 Because this man doesn't take no for 382 00:13:48,098 --> 00:13:49,846 an answer when it comes to college. 383 00:13:49,881 --> 00:13:50,573 But listen to me. 384 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:53,523 Do not betray your weird, happy teacher again. 385 00:13:53,562 --> 00:13:55,993 As a matter of fact, just steer clear of him forever. 386 00:13:56,032 --> 00:13:57,610 My God, you're actually super effective 387 00:13:57,659 --> 00:13:58,855 and good at Dad stuff when you care. 388 00:13:58,894 --> 00:14:01,707 That's on you for not being interesting. 389 00:14:01,756 --> 00:14:04,314 You gotta promise me you're gonna go against 390 00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:08,362 all your instincts and not be a moron who opens this letter. 391 00:14:08,401 --> 00:14:11,135 Can you do that? Can you not be a moron? 392 00:14:11,175 --> 00:14:14,634 - Honestly, that's asking a lot. - It really is, Dad. 393 00:14:14,673 --> 00:14:16,722 As Barry took on the challenge of a lifetime, 394 00:14:16,771 --> 00:14:19,025 I was ready to give my mom her lifelong dream. 395 00:14:19,074 --> 00:14:20,054 Oh, Lord. 396 00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:22,691 Oh, Lord in poop. 397 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:24,063 You know what? You were right. 398 00:14:24,102 --> 00:14:25,896 This is not gonna help me sell my cookbook. 399 00:14:25,935 --> 00:14:27,689 All I'm gonna do is make a fool of myself. 400 00:14:27,728 --> 00:14:29,473 Mom! Look at me. 401 00:14:29,522 --> 00:14:32,678 You're in my world now, the AV world. 402 00:14:32,717 --> 00:14:34,040 This is where I shine. 403 00:14:34,089 --> 00:14:35,745 So you just have to follow my lead, 404 00:14:35,794 --> 00:14:37,245 and I'll make you look good. 405 00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:39,284 Okay, I am so confused. You said... 406 00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:41,293 I know what I said, and I was wrong. 407 00:14:41,332 --> 00:14:42,832 You've always been there to support me 408 00:14:42,871 --> 00:14:45,429 with your love and kindness and new pants. 409 00:14:45,478 --> 00:14:47,644 And now it's my turn to support you. 410 00:14:47,693 --> 00:14:50,123 So take my hand and let's go be on a TV station 411 00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:51,535 that legally has to let anyone on. 412 00:14:54,387 --> 00:14:56,347 Preheat that oven. 413 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,356 It's parmin' time. 414 00:14:58,395 --> 00:15:00,144 Oh, yeah. Years of making my own 415 00:15:00,145 --> 00:15:01,894 movies had led to this moment. 416 00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,374 And rolling. 417 00:15:04,413 --> 00:15:07,824 Hi, I'm Adam... Ooh, boy. 418 00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:09,706 In that moment, I discovered 419 00:15:09,745 --> 00:15:11,705 that when I go in front of an actual TV camera, 420 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,479 I freeze up with crippling stage fright. 421 00:15:14,518 --> 00:15:17,252 It's true, my body literally shuts down. 422 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,850 Okay... 423 00:15:19,899 --> 00:15:21,045 Guess that's my cue. 424 00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,878 Hi. Hello and welcome. 425 00:15:22,927 --> 00:15:24,186 I'm Beverly Goldberg, and this 426 00:15:24,187 --> 00:15:25,446 is my little sous-chef, Adam. 427 00:15:25,485 --> 00:15:27,700 Adam, say hello to the viewers. 428 00:15:27,749 --> 00:15:29,494 Adam. 429 00:15:29,533 --> 00:15:32,307 Me. Now, the secret to shredding mozzarella 430 00:15:32,356 --> 00:15:34,865 is to put the block of cheese in the freezer first. 431 00:15:34,914 --> 00:15:36,786 Sous-chef Adam, the grater, please. 432 00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,991 My hands are numb. 433 00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:42,333 Over the teeth and through the gums, 434 00:15:42,372 --> 00:15:44,597 look out, tummy, here it comes. 435 00:15:44,636 --> 00:15:46,685 Hoooo! 436 00:15:46,724 --> 00:15:49,625 Whoooo is excited about my shrimp parm? 437 00:15:49,674 --> 00:15:51,124 Well, I sure as heck am. 438 00:15:51,164 --> 00:15:53,555 Five stars, Mama. Oh... 439 00:15:53,594 --> 00:15:56,407 You can find this parm and many more parms like it 440 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,240 in The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook. 441 00:15:58,289 --> 00:15:59,906 I'm passing out. 442 00:15:59,945 --> 00:16:03,238 That's right. Coming soon to book retailers near you. 443 00:16:03,278 --> 00:16:04,473 - I'm passing out. - What? 444 00:16:04,512 --> 00:16:05,708 I'm passing out. 445 00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,498 Do you want to sit down or something? 446 00:16:07,639 --> 00:16:09,710 I'm gone! I'm gone. I'm down. 447 00:16:10,662 --> 00:16:13,096 I'm Beverly Goldberg, thank you, and good night. 448 00:16:13,253 --> 00:16:15,132 Mama's... Mama's here, schmoo! 449 00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:16,928 With my dad's help, 450 00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:19,185 Barry got a new college recco from Doc, or so he thought. 451 00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:20,814 Hey, Goldie. 452 00:16:20,853 --> 00:16:22,993 Listen, I didn't sleep all night after I unloaded on you. 453 00:16:23,032 --> 00:16:24,446 Not my best me. 454 00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:27,478 No, I deserved that surprising barrage of potty language. 455 00:16:27,517 --> 00:16:30,040 Look, I know how important that letter is to you, 456 00:16:30,079 --> 00:16:31,316 so I wrote you another one. 457 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,455 - You wrote a third letter? - Third? 458 00:16:33,495 --> 00:16:35,418 Buddy, this is the second one right here. 459 00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:38,883 No, this is the second letter. 460 00:16:38,922 --> 00:16:40,502 You gave it to my dad yesterday. 461 00:16:40,551 --> 00:16:42,720 He may have given it to you, but I didn't give it to him. 462 00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:46,018 Wait! That's why my dad told me not to talk to you! 463 00:16:46,057 --> 00:16:47,421 He didn't want us to figure this out. 464 00:16:47,471 --> 00:16:49,384 Figure what out? What the hell is in that envelope, pal? 465 00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:50,631 God only knows! 466 00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:52,123 We gotta open that letter. 467 00:16:52,162 --> 00:16:54,773 But what about trust and all that stuff you got mad about? 468 00:16:54,812 --> 00:16:56,176 I've never been on this side of it before! 469 00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:58,316 It is really eating away at me, buddy! 470 00:16:58,355 --> 00:17:01,309 Me too! But how do we open this letter without ruining it? 471 00:17:01,348 --> 00:17:03,566 With the answer to everything. 472 00:17:03,615 --> 00:17:05,745 Science! 473 00:17:05,794 --> 00:17:08,140 That day, my brother set off to solve the mystery of a lifetime, 474 00:17:08,179 --> 00:17:09,298 and that night, 475 00:17:09,337 --> 00:17:11,045 I was reliving the embarrassment of a lifetime. 476 00:17:11,084 --> 00:17:13,263 I'm down. 477 00:17:13,312 --> 00:17:16,816 Hey, pickle, maybe you should just watch The A Team instead? 478 00:17:16,855 --> 00:17:18,499 I just wanted to see if my on-camera 479 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,143 debut was as bad as I thought. 480 00:17:20,182 --> 00:17:21,466 And it's worse. 481 00:17:22,216 --> 00:17:24,915 No. You were adorable. 482 00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:26,751 You don't have to do that, Mom. 483 00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:28,331 I just really wanted to help you. 484 00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:34,180 Listen, lovebug, you putting yourself out there to support me, 485 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,997 it helped me more than you could ever know. 486 00:17:37,046 --> 00:17:39,824 Come on, I just ended up embarrassing you again. 487 00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:43,710 Adam, I love every embarrassing thing about you. 488 00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:45,497 It's what makes you the most special, 489 00:17:45,546 --> 00:17:47,803 brilliant boy anyone could ever ask for. 490 00:17:50,581 --> 00:17:52,206 Well, if this cookbook thing doesn't pan out, 491 00:17:52,548 --> 00:17:55,149 at least we learned you're shockingly awesome on camera. 492 00:17:55,198 --> 00:17:56,817 Forget TV. 493 00:17:56,866 --> 00:18:01,646 That cookbook is my dream, and knowing I have your support 494 00:18:01,685 --> 00:18:04,374 lets me know that one day, 495 00:18:04,423 --> 00:18:05,827 it'll happen. 496 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,125 Until then, I'll leave the cooking shows to you and Chad. 497 00:18:13,139 --> 00:18:14,591 And done. 498 00:18:17,103 --> 00:18:19,281 "To whom it may concern. Barry is fearless 499 00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:22,697 "and has a boundless passion and enormous appetite for life. 500 00:18:22,746 --> 00:18:25,092 "But what I admire most about my son 501 00:18:25,141 --> 00:18:26,804 "is that no one has bigger 502 00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,468 dreams and more potential." 503 00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:30,647 Wow, your dad wrote this. 504 00:18:33,552 --> 00:18:35,387 "I might be Barry's father, but he's 505 00:18:35,388 --> 00:18:37,222 the one who teaches me every day." 506 00:18:37,271 --> 00:18:40,068 "The only thing he can't do is 507 00:18:40,069 --> 00:18:42,866 know how much I believe in him." 508 00:18:47,008 --> 00:18:49,824 Wow, I can't believe Dad wrote such beautiful stuff about you. 509 00:18:49,864 --> 00:18:52,307 Well, you know him. Anything for college. 510 00:18:52,347 --> 00:18:54,270 College? What about college? What now? 511 00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:56,322 Actually, I was just about to send out 512 00:18:56,361 --> 00:18:58,883 the recco I got from Doc, which he gave me today. 513 00:18:58,922 --> 00:19:01,062 So I won't be needing the one you wrote. 514 00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:02,338 You weren't supposed to see that. 515 00:19:03,152 --> 00:19:05,587 Well, I did. 516 00:19:10,455 --> 00:19:12,123 Fine, you can keep the stupid letter. 517 00:19:15,372 --> 00:19:16,441 Forever. 518 00:19:18,954 --> 00:19:21,437 Yep, sometimes even the people you're closest to 519 00:19:21,476 --> 00:19:22,890 can be full of surprises. 520 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,892 Welcome to The Chadam Cooking Hour! 521 00:19:24,941 --> 00:19:26,521 I'm master chef Chad Kremp! 522 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,396 And I'm sous-chef Adam! 523 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,383 Before we begin, it's important to 524 00:19:30,384 --> 00:19:32,331 always stick matzoh to your face! 525 00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:34,804 And make sure to butter up your face so you can glue it right on. 526 00:19:34,844 --> 00:19:36,129 Mmm, yes. 527 00:19:36,169 --> 00:19:39,378 In the end, my mom kept working on her cookbook, 528 00:19:39,417 --> 00:19:42,322 but she realized she didn't have to be Julia Child to be happy 529 00:19:42,362 --> 00:19:44,923 'cause she already had the recipe for success, 530 00:19:44,972 --> 00:19:46,337 a loving family. 531 00:19:46,376 --> 00:19:47,878 Cooking is fun! 532 00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:50,223 _ 533 00:19:52,314 --> 00:19:54,286 - I love matzoh! - I love matzoh! 534 00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,505 - And I can eat matzoh! - And I can eat matzoh! 535 00:20:05,387 --> 00:20:07,781 - I got a knife. - I got a knife. 536 00:20:07,821 --> 00:20:10,000 - Can I do this? - Can I do this? 537 00:20:10,049 --> 00:20:11,923 - Can I do this? - Can I do this? 538 00:20:11,962 --> 00:20:14,014 - Can I do this? - Can I do this? 539 00:20:14,063 --> 00:20:16,242 - Can I do this? - Can I do this? 540 00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,205 - Can I do this? - Can I do this? 541 00:20:18,244 --> 00:20:19,225 - Now, our next - Now, our next 542 00:20:19,226 --> 00:20:20,207 - ingredient is Cool Whip. - ingredient is Cool Whip. 543 00:20:20,256 --> 00:20:21,581 - Make a beard. - Make a beard. 544 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:24,093 - Put it on your glasses. - Put it on your glasses. 545 00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,359 Okay, just mailed in my last recco and application. 546 00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:29,981 Only a few months left, and I'm outta this dump. 547 00:20:30,455 --> 00:20:31,787 - School sucks. - I'll cherish you all. 548 00:20:32,329 --> 00:20:33,838 Our lives are finally beginning, JTP. 549 00:20:34,571 --> 00:20:37,511 I can't wait to come back for our 10-year reunion 550 00:20:37,835 --> 00:20:39,741 and show everyone how awesome we all are. 551 00:20:40,054 --> 00:20:41,633 Oh, we'll show 'em when I roll up with Erica, 552 00:20:41,956 --> 00:20:43,860 and I'll be like, "'Sup! This wasn't a fluke." 553 00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:45,890 Well, I'll cruise in on my rocket boots 554 00:20:46,135 --> 00:20:48,808 and my two wives named Heather... Locklear and Thomas. 555 00:20:49,089 --> 00:20:52,115 Oh, yeah? I'm gonna beam here from planet Barry, 556 00:20:52,531 --> 00:20:55,776 where I ride space elephants and rule Rap City with an iron fist. 557 00:20:56,371 --> 00:20:57,735 Wow, I can't wait for this reunion. 558 00:20:58,087 --> 00:20:59,853 Reunions! JTP: Reunions! 42329

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