All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia - S03E01 - The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby

Mac, you gotta see this movie, dude.

Really? I thought it was boring.

Boring? It's about the
end of the world, Dee.

Inconvenient Truth is not
about the end of the world.

It is about how if we don't stop global warming,
we are going to destroy this environment.

I think it sounds cool. I'll
check it out. It is. It's awesome.

Dude, come on.
What the hell is that?

What?
Are you kidding me?

What is the big deal, Dennis?
What is the big deal? Are you nuts?

It's like you see a movie, and now
you're crazy about the environment.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe I would actually like to
do some good in this world, make a difference.

You wanna do good?
Yes. You can't do good.

You're not good at
that. I can do good. No.

I am capable of doing good. No, you just
screw people over for your own benefit.

You guys are gonna be so angry
when you look back and you see...

that the world looks at Dennis Reynolds
and says, "Dennis, you are a good person.

You are making a di"...

Holy shit.
What?

There's a baby in this Dumpster.

What the hell is it doing?

We gotta call somebody.
Who?

The police? The mother?
I mean, think, Dee.

Somebody threw this baby in the trash.
We can't just put it back into the system.

It is a terrible system.
It's a horrible system.

We live in a throwaway culture where
everyone's just lookin' for the easy way out.

You don't wanna carry your Big Gulp
anymore? Throw it in the street.

Don't wanna take care of your
baby? Throw it in a Dumpster.

I just can't take it.
Charlie, you're harpin' on it.

Well, I'm sorry. I'd like to know whether
or not I share a bed with my father.

I'm tellin' you, I am not your
father. Then take a stupid blood test.

I'm not takin' no blood
test. It's so easy.

It's a little prick... Look, I've had
enough of this. I'm not even gonna talk...

What the hell is that? It's
a baby we found in the trash.

Well, put it back. It
doesn't belong to you.

We're not gonna put it back.

Well, give it to the cops. Get it
outta here. It's bad for business.

Oh, that's great, Frank. Pass the buck.
Just passin'... Everybody passin' the buck.

You know, it's time we started taking
responsibility for the refuse we're creating.

Oh, my God, dude. Are you still harpin' on
that stupid global heating movie you saw?

"Global warming," Charlie.
Yeah. Right.

Like the earth is
magically getting hotter.

All right, stop! Clearly this is not
the right environment for a child.

I will take care of the Dumpster baby
until we figure out what to do with it.

Dee, you're helping
me. What? No, I'm not.

You see what's happening
here? Do you see this?

Family values in this country are going down
the toilet, and it's because of people like you.

Men and women raising a child together
is a proven system a thousand years old.

There are parental roles that
need to be filled here, right?

Otherwise, the kid winds
up roaming the streets...

having unprotected sex with
multiple partners... Mm-hmm.

Sharing needles and contracting the
H.I.V. Virus, and it's all your fault.

Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted?
You just gave this baby full-blown Al DS.

What the hell are these scrubs doing,
dude? They're activists, Charlie.

They're sifting through the trash
looking for recyclable materials.

Recycling.
What a waste.

Frank, we are trying
to make a difference.

You see? He has no problem
not callin' me "Dad. "

Uh, hey, man. Where can I
get one of those recycle bags?

Get lost, narc.
Excuse me?

What we're doing is completely legal,
so why don't you just leave us alone?

Oh. No, I'm not a cop,
man. I just wanna help out.

Sure you do. I saw you
pull up in that Range Rover.

Is everything okay, Sage?
Yeah. No, everything's fine.

I was just explaining to your friend
that I... I want to help you guys out.

Listen, bro.
I know your type:

Straightedge, mainline weekend
warrior comin' down here...

in your cashmere sweater with
your moussedup, hairsprayed coif.

This isn't just a hobby for us.

So why don't you take your phony,
suburban, halfassed bullshit...

someplace else?

I'll take that, hippie.

Ah Hey, Frank
Frank Fr-Frank

Haha!

Dude, do you believe
this thing, man? It's a...

Charlie, Charlie, get down...

Dude, it's amazing! Look at this. Bro,
you can chop a camel right in the hump...

and drink all its milk right
off the tip of this thing, man.

That is a find, man! That's spectacular.
This is an Ali Baba sword, dude.

Come on, you guys. Let's get out
of here. Look, Dennis. Look at this.

I don't care about that, all right? You
guys are makin' me look like an asshole.

I'm out here tryin' to make a
difference, and you're over here...

rummagin' around the trash
like a couple of narcs, okay?

You can't just come down here with your
mainline, cashmere, moussecoif hair spray...

and start bein'
like a suburban tool.

You can't...

Are you feeling all right? What are
you saying? Did you even look at this?

I don't know. I think I just got
punked out by a couple of hippies.

I gotta do somethin' about this.

Goddamn, this Dumpster baby's heavy.
No, no, it's good for your back.

All right. So we got the diapers
and the wipes and the powder.

Shit, this raisin'
babies is easy, huh? Huh?

I think, first things first, the baby smells
like trash, right? Throw it in the bath.

Already with this?
I didn't do it.

Already with this? I come home to
a crying baby? I didn't do anything.

No, I didn't do anything.
It's okay. Jesus Christ.

You know what? I'm just gonna kick back,
grab a beer and watch the Sixers, all right?

You're not gonna help? You
wanted me to do this with you.

Would it kill you to go shopping
once in a while? We're outta beer.

Oh, we are? No, we're not out of
anything, Mac, 'cause you don't live here.

Wait... One left. Nice.

Great. Hey, if we're gonna
raise this baby together...

I think it's important we at
least try to make it work, so...

when you're done with the bath, why
don't you go out and get some beer...

and, um, a pack of smokes
would be good.

We're not gonna raise anything together. I said
I would help hang on to this Dumpster baby...

for a couple of days until we
figure what to do with it. Really?

Yes. You're gonna raise
your voice to me right now?

I'm not raising my voice. Well, I'm
tryin' to have a rational conversation.

I feel like you're berating me for
absolutely no reason. So you know what? What?

For the sake of the baby, we need some space.
I'm gonna go with the guys, blow off steam.

What? You're just gonna dump this thing on
me and leave? You gonna guilt me into staying?

Okay, I guess I have to stay... for the sake
of Dumpster Baby. But I will tell you what.

I'm not gonna stand here and
be berated. I'm going to bed.

My God, I can't...
Charlie...

would you just please
lay there and go to sleep?

I can't sleep, dude. It's impossible.
My mind's goin', like, a mile a minute.

Well, stop thinkin' about it. I'm
not your father. Now go to sleep. No.

Dude, it's not that. I'm thinkin'
about something completely different.

It's the trash, isn't it?
It's the sweet, sweet trash.

I mean, man, we found some
amazing shit out there today.

The kind of shit I didn't think you
could find in the trash, you know?

And, uh, I'm just goin' nuts
thinkin' about what else is out there.

Frank, there's ordinary guys just like you
and me goin' through everyone else's trash.

They don't appreciate it. Ah, people
don't appreciate their trash, Frank.

Let's go get the flashlights.

So I scale this tree. I mean, this is a
big tree too, right? I get to the top of it.

I find the nest. This is... This is baby
bluebirds. They're starving to death.

So I regurgitate my lunch and I
nourish the entire flock... Wow.

Like... Well, well,
well. Check it out, babe.

The narc is back.
Mmm.

Hey, uh, Sage, I thought about what you
said, and I think you were right, man.

I was halfassing it. But I'm
not gonna halfass it anymore.

I'm gonna devote myself completely to
the cause. Look, bro. Just 'cause...

you come in here with your
Birkenstocks and your Phish T-shirt...

doesn't mean you're devoted.

Means you're a total poser.

Wow. Um...

Well, you know what, man? Uh,
I'm just gonna go then, I guess.

You know, I'll take my Birkenstocks
and my Phish T-shirt and my...

kind bud with me.
What?

Did you just say you had kind bud?

Kind bu... Yeah. I mean, you
know, I just have, like...

this much.

Hey, and look at this.
It's a little ray gun, like.

Oh, that's nice, man. Look at
this thing right here, dude.

Put this in a plastic bag and, boom,
shower radio, buddy. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.

Unbelievable. We're on a roll.
Here's...

Look at this. We wrap stuff in
this. Look. We can wrap it all up.

All right. Electrics. Electrics!

Whoa! A sneaker.
What size?

Fourteen.
Throw it in the pile, baby.

Crash in the pile. Ah,
Charlie, isn't this great?

We go right to the source!
Forget about the dump.

Yeah. Screw the dump, man. It's right
in your backyard, dude. Yeah. This is it.

What's that? What's that? What's
that? It's another coat, man.

Ooh, can I have it?
No.

Well, you already got
one. Frank, use your head.

This is the coat that's gonna
protect my other coat. Come on, man.

Oh, when you're right, you're right.
Look at that. Yeah, baby. You'll find one.

If you keep diggin', you're
gonna find one of these.

Oh, you gotta be kiddin'
me. Huh? Oh, hello.

Look who it is, huh?

The girl who ruined my life by
fallin' in love with my best friend...

and havin' sex
with this guy right here.

How you doin'?
Gross.

And "gross" to you. And you know
what? I don't know what you're doing.

I don't want to know. Go and do it
in somebody else's Dumpster, okay?

Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold
on a second. What do you got in those?

Coffee cups and food scraps.

Yeah, we'll take 'em.
Hand 'em over.

I don't know why it's cranky,
okay? Well, maybe he's hungry.

Your thoughts on nursing it? I haven't slept
in three days. I don't have thoughts anymore.

You know, raising a child is not
nearly as fun as I thought it'd be.

Well, what if we put it
back where we found it?

Oh, my God, that is the cutest little
baby I've ever seen. What's his name?

Uh, his name is...
It's...

D... B.
D.B.

Oh, he could be a Gerber Baby.
He could be in commercials.

I have an idea. I'm
three steps ahead of ya.

We need to make Dumpster
Baby a star. Exactly.

This is exactly what I'm talkin' about. We
can't put it back into a corrupt system. No.

We have an opportunity to give it a real
future here. Yes, by making it a star.

And who have better lives
than child stars? Nobody.

Nobody. Rich, famous... They have
it all. The happiest people on earth.

D.B., my main man, you got
tossed into the right Dumpster.

Brenda, I'm not gonna waste any
more of your time than I have to.

We've got meetings with agents all
over town. Can you make D.B. A star?

Well, I'm sorry to say, but
in today's commercial world...

there's just no room for
another white baby actor.

There's an influx already.

White babies don't sell. White
babies just aren't selling right now.

Question:
Who is selling, Brenda?

Well, the Latino market is the fastest
growing demographic in the country.

Great. So Mexicans are selling.
Oh, well, D.B. Can play Mexican.

Yeah. D.B. Could
definitely be a Mexican.

We get him some pistols. He fires
'em off like crazy. He does...

Do the jumpin' thing. He does the
Mexican Jumpin' Bean. Watch this.

Ayayay!

We get him a little thing with
chips. He could sell chips.

And he can dip the chips
into the nacho cheese.

It's perfect. It's
perfect. It's hilarious.

For all we know, he is Mexican.

'Cause here's the thing. Tell 'em
the thing. Oh, we've got... Ooh, I...

Look. I can't really get into the
specifics of the whole thing...

but we've got no idea who D.B.'s
dad is. We don't know who the dad is.

It isn't me. I'm sorry, but your
son just does not look Latino.

Oh. Well, I mean, that's a bit of
a disappointment. That makes me sad.

Yeah, because we're truly
tryin' to give him a... future.

Is there anything that we can do?

Well, not unless you can change
the color of this baby's skin.

Let me get this straight. You want
to put your baby into a tanning bed.

That's correct. I'm sorry.
That's against the law.

Look, pal, we are well aware of the law,
okay? And we don't wanna jam you up here.

We just wanna put him in there for a
couple of minutes. Just to get a base.

We'll sign whatever waivers. Cook him a couple
of minutes, and we'll be out of your hair.

I am feeling compelled
to call the authorities.

Oh, are you? Well, then why don't
we take our business elsewhere?

I sense some judgment in your voice,
sir, and I don't appreciate it.

You could have helped change this
child's life forever. You chose not to.

That's on you.
I can live with that.

Come on, D.B. I guess
the road to stardom...

is paved with hard knocks
and orange assholes.

Trees are people too
Save this tree

These developer pigs are
gonna tear down this tree.

So tonight we will hold a
candlelight vigil in protest.

Hey, Sage, Asriel, can we commune
for a moment? Yeah. What's up?

Well, listen. I don't want to be
putting out any negative vibrations...

or anything like that, but I think
we're going about this the wrong way.

Thanks, but, uh, we got it. Okay,
why don't we hear him out, Sage?

Thanks, Asriel. Well, listen. While
I think lighting a couple of candles...

and singin' a few sweet jams
sounds like a really good time...

it's not gonna stop a bulldozer.

Somebody needs to step
up and be a hero here.

So I'm thinkin', I would
chain myself to that tree...

and that way, if they wanna kill
that tree, they gotta kill me first.

That is so brave of you, Dennis.

Is it?
Wait.

If anyone is gonna chain themselves
to anything, it's gonna be me.

But it was Dennis's idea.
No, wait, Asriel. He's right.

Maybe it should be him. Right.
I'm the one in charge here.

Right. You're the one in charge.
Right.

Right.
Right.

Mountain, go get some chains.

No, wait.
Hold off on that, Mountain.

I brought some.

Charlie, we gotta stop. We gotta
stop. No. Two more stops, Frank.

Let's keep it moving. Let's
drop it off at base camp.

No. No base camp. We gotta keep
movin', Frank. March! No, it's fallin'.

Ho! Do not lose that. Do not
lose that. It's just a bottle.

All right, I think we gotta stop.
We gotta stop at the apartment.

No, dude. There's no time for that,
man! We gotta drop some stuff off.

All right, fine. We'll
make it quick. All right.

Charlie, maybe we should
get rid of some of this shit.

What?
Yeah. I mean...

What'd you say, get rid of it?
Yeah.

Frank, look at this. Huh?
Yeah.

This... This... Look at
that, bro! Yeah. Yeah.

This here's our future, man. People are
just throwin' this away. Get rid of it, dude?

Frank, we start gettin' rid of this, we're
gonna be just like the wasters out there.

Look... Hey, guess what.
Somebody else is gonna find it.

Ah, you're right, you're
right, you're right.

Well, where are we gonna sleep?

You sure you still wanna do this?

Mountain, this is what it's all about:

Me and my girl side-by-side...

savin' a life, bringin'
in the dawn together.

I mean, come on! Looks
like it's gonna rain.

It does look like it's gonna rain.

Have you seen Asriel?
No.

Wonder where she is.

Riders on the storm

Tonight we cross the plane of reality...

Into the dimension
of no place or time.

Open your mouth.

Become the journey.

Like a dog without a bone

What are we doin', man? It's pourin'
rain out here! We're actin' like animals.

But we gotta stick together, Frank, if we're
gonna make it. Yeah, let's stick together.

All right. Let's use our
heads. What are we gonna do?

We gotta get outta this rain.
Yeah. Where are we gonna go?

We could get in that Dumpster.

I'm not above that.
Let's go.

Asriel!

Where are you?

Can you give me a bite
of that, dude? Mmm. Yeah.

I'm starvin', you know.

Charlie, I'm really sorry
that I banged your girlfriend.

Ah, bro, you gotta stop
talkin' about that, dude.

I'm also sorry that I
didn't get the blood test.

But I know... I'm a hundred percent
positive... that I am not your dad.

Dude, how can you be a hundred percent
positive, dude? How do you know?

Your mother and I were gonna
keep this a secret, but...

after we made love,
she did get pregnant...

but she had an abortion.

Really?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you sure she went through with it,
dude? 'Cause maybe she didn't tell you.

I mean, she probably went right from the
clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up...

because your mother
was a giant whore.

Ah, you know what, dude? I don't
believe you, Frank, all right?

It's hard to take. Just...
Oh, my God. You're a liar, man.

Girl, you gotta love your man

Where are you goin', Charlie?
To find out the truth!

Charlie!
Make him understand

Yeah

Frank doesn't know the truth.
I knew it.

All right. You didn't have an abortion,
you just told him you did. I get that.

No. I had an abortion.
It just didn't take.

Wha... What does that mean?
It means, you survived it.

You survived the abortion. What
the hell are you talking about, Mom?

W We went to one of those clinics...
one of those underground clinics...

because Frank didn't want to
spend a lot of money... Yeah.

And I had the procedure, and then
they told me you were dead... Okay.

And then three months later,
you popped out, happy as a clam!

Sweetie, I had to keep
it a secret from Frank.

I never wanted the
abortion in the first place.

But he was married, and I knew, if he
found out, he would have forced me...

to get rid of you once and for all.

He would have made me
throw you in a Dumpster.

Oh, my... God.

Nope. His skin needs to be
darker, Dee. Yeah, I know.

We're just gonna paint this
bronzing lotion on him. Shoe polish.

Shoe polish?
Shoe polish.

Shoe polish on a baby?
You're such an idiot.

That's gonna look stupid and
smell like shit. We'll see.

Where's D. B?
My door's open!

Did he get kidnapped?
Somebody came in and took him?

There's a note.
There's a note!

"Taked' baby. Meet at later
bar, night or day sometime."

Charlie.

Feast your eyes on this! Oh, my God,
Charlie. Where did you get a baby?

I think you know good and well
where I got this baby, now don't you?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talkin' about you and Frank...

throwin' your love child here in
the Dumpster behind Paddy's Pub!

What, did you think I wouldn't
find out? Well, I did. Yeah. Yeah!

What you might not know, though,
is that this little baby of yours...

also happens to be my half brother.

Charlie, the incident with
Frank happened three months ago.

It takes nine months to make a baby, so you
can just give me the baby and stop screaming.

You know, there was a time
where I would've helped you...

raise this little Dumpster
baby brother of mine like a son.

But that's gone now,
'cause you ruined it!

You threw your babies away!
And you threw your swords away!

You threw your golf clubs
and your tasty treats!

And you know what? I found them.
And I'm gonna raise all of 'em!

Get me the number
for Child Services.

Hey, Sage, buddy.
How are you, man?

How are you feelin'? Guh, I...
I did it. LI saved the tree.

You sure did, man. You saved that tree.
Wow. I gotta say, man, I'm really impressed.

I don't think I could've
done what you did here today.

Guh, I'm a hero.
You are. You're a hero.

Yep. Guh... Come here.
Come here. Come with me.

Man, it is a good day to be alive.
It's a good day to be alive, isn't it?

Okay, guys.
She's all yours.

You might wanna see this.

I banged your girlfriend.

What time did he say? Uh, "later
bar, night or day sometime. "

What does that mean?
I don't know.

Hey, any of you guys seen that
Ali Baba sword Charlie had? What?

The little shit dumped me in a Dumpster
last night, and I'm takin' all his stuff.

It's every man for himself. I
gotta find that Ali Baba sword.

Pour me a shot there, Dee.
I am the man.

Why are you so chipper? Well, I got
punked out by this peace activist.

So what I did is, I infiltrated his organization,
I banged his girlfriend, and then I...

Hey, Frank! You recognize this young
man right here? Interrupt me. All right.

Or should I say, "Hey, Dad"?
Yeah. That's right, everybody.

Who would like to hear
a mind-blowing story?

Nobody. Give us back our baby so we can
paint it. Oh, you're gonna paint it, huh?

Well, be careful painting it,
'cause you'll be painting my brother.

But I guess you already
knew that, didn't you, Dad?

What the hell are you
talkin' about, Charlie?

I'm talkin' about you and the waitress
dumpin' your baby in a Dumpster!

And the abortion that you tried to make
my mom have? Well, guess what, Frankie.

It didn't take. I'm an abortion survivor,
Dad! I survived the abortion, Dad!

Charlie! First of all, it takes
nine months to have a baby.

That is not my baby.

Second of all, your mother
is feedin' you a line of crap

Holy shit. You guys
kept the Ali Baba sword?

Gimme the sword! That's the
sword I want. Back off, man.

It's my sword anyway
Stop grabbin' it!