All language subtitles for Boston Legal [5x03]

Previously on Boston Legal.

I was referred to a sex therapist, a surrogate.

- I'd like you to meet with her.
- I'm retired.

I've remarried,
and my husband has problems...

with his wife
being a sexual surrogate.

I'm sure you have a name,
but I'm not much interested.

- You scare me. See me shudder?
- Take your clothes off. I'll make you shudder.

Do you think you could
maybe squeeze me in?

I'm very sorry,
but you won't be making partner.

Jerry Espenson deserves
to be made a partner.

He's not a rainmaker, Alan.
He's toast. Weird toast.

- Let me tell you something,
and you heard it here first.
- Okay.

Obama's trouble
with women...

has nothing to do
with the Hillary supporters...

most of whom are lesbians by the way,
and you can quote me on that.

- I think I won't.
- Comes from Bill.

- Bill?
- See, he's been with a lot of women.

Left most of them
with a bad taste in their mouth.

[Both Laughing]

So, uh, Jerry.

You and I are having a drink.
What's the deal? 'Cause I think you're weird.

Okay.

- I come up for partner this fall, Mr. Crane.
- Call me Denny. No, don't.

And when I do,
I expect your full support.

Why would I want
a weird guy for a partner?

Because I've earned it.

And to get it,
I'm going to need your support.

- Here's my question to you.
Do you really want it?
- Yes, I do.

Because being a partner in a law firm
isn't all it's cracked up to be.

But the money's good, right?

- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm part of the neighborhood crime watch.

Way this works is you watch,
I commit the crime.

- Oh, my God.
- Now- Now-

No, no.
There's no talking.

You just give me
your watch and wallet now.

Here's my problem.

- You're black.
- Oh, Mr. Crane.
- What?

I'm Denny Crane.
I'm a big shot.

- So am I.
- If you kill me...

the headline's gonna be,
"Black Guy Kills White Big Shot."

And that's
the last thing we need...

when we're trying to elect
an African-American as president.

- Dear God!
- How about if I just blow
your brains out right now?

- That doesn't work for me. Work for you?
- Denny, please.

- Hey.
- [Hammer Cocks]

All right, all right. All right.

Watch.

Wallet.

Gun. Knee.
Right foot. Left foot.

[Yelling]

Thank God for guns,
huh, Jerry?

- [Groaning]
- Only in America.

Sweet land
of Liberty Valance.

- [Funk]
- [Man Vocalizing]

[Man]
Uh-huh

- All right
- Boom.

Come on

[Lips Pop]

Come on
All right

Well, yeah

Well, yeah

Outlaw

- Are you all right?
- Of course I am.

Well, why wouldn't I be all right?
It was just an attempted mugging.

- And no-
- And you absolutely had to shoot him?

- I shoot people all the time.
- You had to shoot him three times?

- If you say so.
- In both feet?

Mr. Crane?

- I told you everything last night.
- And we appreciate that, sir.

But unfortunately, we haven't
been sent to get your statement.

- What is it then? Autograph?
- No, sir.

I apologize,
but we're here to arrest you.

- Arrest me?
- What's going on?

- If it was up to me, Mr. Crane would-
- What are the charges?

- Possession of a concealed firearm.
- Oh, please.

You can't be serious.
This man was mugged.

I realize that. I also realize that his having
a gun helped us catch a guy...

we've been looking for.

But the law is the law,
and Mr. Crane broke it.

- Please place your hands behind your back, sir.
- This is unbelievable.

- You have the right to remain silent.
- I know my rights.

I'm never silent. Everything
about me makes noise. [Farts]

I want those back
when we're done.

- The arraignment is at 10:30.
- I'm on my way.

- He doesn't want you, Alan.
- Excuse me?

He thinks
you're too antigun.

Oh. Did he say
who he did want?

Angelina Jolie.
But that's not going to happen.

Carl, do you think
you could go?

Me? I'm not pro-gun.

- Please.
- [Knocking]

Alan.

Joanna. Hello.

Sorry to disturb.
I have a bit of an emergency.

My ex-husband,
he's trying to take my daughter.

He says my being a sex surrogate
makes me an unfit mother.

- How old is she?
- Ten.

And I've only worked part-time
since she was born.

I've been pretty much
stay-at-home.

- Have you had sole custody?
- No. Split.

But he's going for sole.
I wouldn't get to have her at all.

- Okay. Let me set up
a meeting with his attorney.
- He can't win this, can he?

- Let me just talk-
- She's my little girl.

Joanna, you're not gonna lose her.

32888. The Commonwealth
versus Denny Crane...

on the charge of possession
of a concealed weapon.

Your Honor, Carl Sack for the defendant.
We'll waive the reading.

For God's sake.
What has he done now?

What's he done, Your Honor,
is to have the temerity...

to defend himself
against an armed assailant.

The charge is for possession
of a concealed firearm, not shooting.

I have a constitutional right to bear arms.
Ask the Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court did not give
him the right to conceal a
firearm without a carry permit.

- I got a note from Dick Cheney.
- Mr. Crane.

You've been accused
of breaking the law.

You will stand trial.
Is that clear?

Your Honor,
shouldn't you recuse yourself?

After all, I did tell you
to bite me that time.

- When?
- It was, uh-

- Oh, come to think of it,
now actually. Bite me.
- [Gavel Raps]

You cannot, cannot, cannot
antagonize the judge.

- Oh, please.
- You know the jury will take its cues from him.

- What's going on?
- We go to trial.

Jerry.
You'll be second chairing.

- Won't I be a witness?
- Well, I want you as cocounsel.

Who better to close than somebody
who stared down the barrel of the gun?

You want him to close?

- Why not?
- Denny, do you want to get off or not?

My place or yours?

Bring the outfit.

Denny, I'm not really comfortable
arguing this one.

Jerry,
you wanna make partner?

You gotta take one
for the team.

It's an unstable environment.
She's a perv and we're not budging.

- Okay, first-
- And don't try any of your disgusting strategies...

to unsettle me.

Who's to say what's disgusting?
I could offer...

to close my eyes and suck on you
as if you were a giant love peach.

I'm giving you 30 seconds
to state your case, and then I'm out the door.

- Emma-
- And don't call me by my first name.

Daniella's doing very well
with the current custody arrangement.

She's healthy, happy, very active.
She gets straight A's in school.

Her mother sells her body
as a sex worker.

She's not a sex worker.
She's a certified health professional...

who offers sex surrogacy
as one of many therapeutic approaches...

to help people suffering
with a dysfunction.

I understand you were
one of her clients.

Yes. She taught me several things
I'd love to pass on to you.

- Should we just get a room?
- Disgusting.

Look, we're talking about a 10-year-old girl
here. I can't have you around her.

- Martin, the shared custody-
- If you and I don't see eye to eye...

we can't make
decisions together.

I'm afraid
of your influence...

of the impact
you might make on her.

L-l-I just
can't have it.

We'll see you in court,
stud muffin.

Whoa!
Ooh. Tenderloin.

Tease.

- Your ex-husband will testify first and then you.
- Okay.

We'll try to avoid
having to call Daniella...

but she'll likely have to at least talk
to a judge in chambers.

Okay.

Joanna, it would take a lot for a judge
to deny a mother custody of any kind.

Most mothers
don't do what I do.

There's that.

Alan.

- How are you doing?
- Me? Fine. Why?

Just asking.

Joanna, you never just ask.
What are you getting at?

[Clicks Tongue]
Well, your dialogue with opposing counsel...

was especially aggressive.

- Sexually aggressive.
- That was just lawyers' gamesmanship.

The language I heard was not simply
for another lawyer. It was for a woman.

Say what's
on your mind, Joanna.

Okay. Well, I've never
said it before...

but there's a part of you
that's always been sexist.

But now you seem
to be losing the ability...

even the inclination...

to connect with a woman
in a nonsexual way.

What used to be a part
is becoming the whole.

Given that your life with your daughter
is about to be decided...

I would think the last thing you'd want
to do right now is to distract me.

No, you're right.
I apologize.

Let's go.

We pulled three guns
off him at the scene.

When we went to arrest him the next day,
he had five more guns on him.

He also had a little propane thing
that wasn't legal.

- A propane thing?
- Yeah, it was a device strapped to his buttocks.

Basically, he could break wind
and turn his ass into a blowtorch.

And did he have any carry permits
for these weapons?

No, sir,
he did not.

What would have happened
had Mr. Crane not been armed?

Objection.
Calls for speculation.

Your Honor, this officer has 15 years'
experience with criminals and their conduct.

He has foundation
to speculate.

- I'll allow it.
- So how do you think
it would have gone down?

- I'm sure he would've been mugged.
- Possibly killed?

Possibly.
But it's also pos-

Thank you, Officer.
You've answered my question.

Oh. One more thing, Officer. Honestly.
When you arrested Mr. Crane, did you want to?

- Objection.
- That one's sustained.

- Oh, Your Honor, if I may.
- What?

By sustaining the objection,
the jury will never learn...

that the officer really didn't want
to arrest me, which he really didn't want to do.

[Gavel Raps]

I'm sorry, but her sex job makes her
an inappropriate parent.

Objection
to the term "sex job."

It's inaccurate
and makes me giggle.

Mr. Shore, you turn this courtroom
into a playground...

and I'm gonna come down there
and beat the crap out of you.

Ms. Path, please.

And while this would be a call to action
at any point in Daniella's life...

it is of even more pronounced concern
at her current age.

- Yes?
- Yes. Girls are entering
puberty earlier and earlier.

This is a very
formative time for her.

A time when her moral and behavioral
foundations are put into place...

about so many things,
about sex.

Kids learn from what
their parents say...

from what their parents do,
even from their unsaid attitudes.

In fact, 60% of eight-
to 11 -year-olds...

say their mothers are their number one
resource for issues like sex...

H.I.V. And Al DS,
alcohol, drugs-

Aren't you a little
encyclopedic ball of fire?

- Mr. Shore, do I have to come down there?
- Judge, I'm actually a fan...

of corporal punishment, especially
when it comes from the rugged hands-

- But that's just me.
- [Sighs]

Ms. Path,
please continue.

What's your
main issue, Martin?

My ex-wife,
in doing what she does...

is giving Daniella
an excessively permissive take on sex.

She's saying to my daughter...

"It's okay to be sexual with people
you don't love for money."

Studies show that the more often parents
discuss sex with their kids...

in an open
and comfortable manner...

the less likely the kids
are to have sex early and casually.

- This goes way beyond discussion.
- It's also been found...

that the parent needs to initiate
these exchanges...

as 77% of teenagers simply don't know
how to bring it up.

Shouldn't you
count yourselflucky...

that you have a trained professional
in the family, someone skilled-

A little too skilled.

You were aware thatJoanna
was a sex surrogate when you married her?

- Yes, but-
- Did it turn you on?

- Objection.
- Overruled.

Did it turn you on?

- Once you become a parent,
you look at things differently.
- That's a yes?

- It turned you on?
- I told her I wanted her to quit.

We wanted to start a family,
which we did.

And she quit for a while.

- But then she went back to work.
- Ah.

So women should only work
until they become wives and mothers...

because that's
their real calling...

and a career is just something to do
until their real lives start...

which is mothering.

I didn't ask her
to quit curing cancer...

or quit teaching kids
to be concert violinists.

I asked her to give up
the orgasm workshops.

- Move to strike.
- Overruled.

Something bothering you,
Mr. Shore?

- She threatened to beat you up?
- Yes.

- The judge?
- Yes.

And the lawyer.
She'd beat me up if she could.

- The little one who slapped me around?
- Yes.

Oh! She's a fiery number.
She'd wear you out at night, I'll bet.

- Denny, do you think you and I are sexists?
- Us?

We do tend
to objectify women.

They love that, Alan.
They'd be mad if you didn't.

Do you think you
treat women as your equal?

I'm Denny Crane.

There's no man my equal,
much less a woman.

- Ah.
- You know who the real sexists
are in this country? Women.

It's the women media
who tore up Hillary.

Women who criticized her pantsuits,
said she wasn't pretty enough...

she should
be softer, sexier.

Me? Hell, just give me the word,
I'll throw her across my desk.

You're such a libertarian.

Alan, you and I are the last people
who could be called sexist.

We love women.
All women.

Even the fat ones.

Hell, sometimes
I even prefer the fat ones.

What?

Talking is the predominant element
of surrogate therapy.

Sharing information, providing
emotional support, devising coping skills.

There are nonerotic,
body-awareness exercises...

sensory explorations
and relaxation techniques.

And yet these folks depict you
as a strumpet with a plaque on the wall.

Less than 15% of my time with clients
is spent engaging in sexual activities.

The goal is to reorient,
to reeducate...

so that intimacy is possible,
comfortable and healthy.

But is it primarily
about sexual technique?

It's primarily about intimacy...

which often goes
way deeper than sex.

Some women are self-loathing
and use sex as an affirmation...

which, of course,
completely backfires.

I have many men
who love their wives...

but, nevertheless,
hate women on some level.

Uh-

And y-you went back to work
after your divorce because-

I was eager to be
an example to my daughter...

of an independent,
self-sufficient woman.

- [Door Closes]
- For the most part, that went pretty well.

Would you like to explain
that little personal shot at me?

- Excuse me?
- That comment about men hating women.

That comment wasn't
somewhat directed at me?

No. I have many male clients
who are repulsed by feminism.

It had nothing
to do with you, Alan.

- But the fact that it hit a nerve-
- Of course it hit a nerve.

- You've got my antenna up.
- Then ask yourself why.

Joanna, I am not one of those men
who hates women...

or is repulsed
by feminism.

- I know that.
- I'm not. I'm-

- Do you want me to win your daughter back?
- I do.

Then don't
unsettle me with-

Alan, you once told me
when you meet a woman...

the first question you ask yourself is,
"Would I? Wouldn't I? And how would it be?"

That's the first question every
heterosexual male asks himself.

We're built that way.

And for your information,
it's now more like the third
or fourth question I ask myself.

That doesn't mean
I hate women.

When I knocked on your door
the other day, you said hello...

and mentally undressed me
in a heartbeat.

I do that
with all... people.

You looked fantastic.

The guy pulled a gun on me.
I pulled mine on him.

- Yes. The issue here isn't self-defense.
- Though it was self-defense.

- Absolutely.
- If I didn't have my gun-
- You'd be dead.

- Gone.
- Fini.
- I had to shoot.

- Boom.
- Saved my life.
- And Jerry's.

- Didn't shoot to kill.
- Just to wound.
- Took a knee.

- And two feet.
- Boom.
- Boom.

- And boom.
- Objection! You think this is funny?

Funny? Did you have a chuckle
the last time somebody pulled a gun on you?

This case is about concealing a handgun
on the person, not about self-defense.

That doesn't mean
we can ignore the reality...

- that if Mr. Crane didn't have
his concealed weapon-
- Dead.

- Gone.
- Fini.
- Boom.

- Boom.
- And boom!
- Objection!

Stop it!

You think you have a constitutional right...

to conceal a weapon
without a carry permit?

I have a right to keep a gun at home.
The Court says so.

- You were on the street.
- A man's home is where his heart is.

- In my case, the penis.
- Do you have any idea how many people die...

from gun violence
in this country?

Yeah, yeah.
Let's make a law. No carrying guns.

- I'm sure the criminals will obey it.
- Show me in the Constitution...

that says you can walk the streets armed
without a carry permit.

The Constitution says
whatever the Supreme Court says it says.

As for what the Supreme Court says,
that all depends on who's president.

- Move to strike.
- You don't have to be a legal genius to know...

that if you got a president
in office who likes guns...

and a vice president
who likes to hunt lawyers and quail...

and a Supreme Courtjustice
who hunts with him...

you're gonna have a constitutional right
to shoot bad guys in the knee.

I swear to you,
the man doesn't have Alzheimer's.

He uses the mad cow as an excuse
to do whatever the hell he wants...

whether it's dropping his pants
or shooting people.

He had a PET scan.
It showed he has plaque on his brain.

Says who? He's Denny Crane.
You don't think he can rig a PET scan?

I'm telling you
the man knows what he's doing.

Is he going to win here?

That I don't know.
We don't really have a defense.

Can you explain
the wisdom...

in letting Jerry close?

Denny's wisdom.
SinceJerry was also a victim...

he's most able to put the jury
in Denny's shoes that night.

Shirley. Carl.

Shirley, um...

do you find me
terribly sexist?

- [Laughing]
- This isn't funny.

- [Laughing Continues]
- Answer the question.

Before I respond,
could you answer a question for me?

Are you finished fiddling
with my cheerleader outfit?

[Laughing]

That's just...
a textile fetish.

Alan.
[Laughing]

I respect women,
every part of a woman.

- I'd say especially the parts.
- That's right.

So-
That isn't true, Shirley.

- Is it?
- Alan...

you know you are
an iconic letch.

If it'll make you
feel any better...

sometimes even I like
being ogled by you.

So do I.

I think the problem
you're having...

is you feel reduced
by the label.

You're not
a simple man.

You're extremely
complicated, brilliant...

funny,
profoundly layered.

But fundamentally,
you are an incorrigible...

irrepressible dog.

With a textile fetish.

I love this place.

- Jerry?
- Denny.

- What are you doing?
- I'm standing on my desk.

For any particular reason?

I'm having an out-of-body experience.

I'm looking down on myself
as I deliver my compelling closing.

Come on off the desk there,
big fella.

Here. Come to papa.
[Chuckling]

[Chuckling Continues]

- You wanna do well here, don't you?
- I do.

'Cause lawyers who get me off
tend to make partner...

- especially women lawyers.
- [Laughing]

Stop laughing, Jerry.

I notice you twiddling
the wooden cigarette.

- Makes you feel confident, does it?
- It helps.

Hmm. Look
what I got here.

A wooden cigar.

It's yours.

If you do a good job.
By doing a good job, Jerry...

you personally can ensure that every
American has the right, the privilege...

of carrying a gun.

How many lawyers
have that opportunity?

Truly, Jerry.

- Does your mom ever bring
any of her clients home?
- No.

Daniella, what exactly do you know
about your mother's job?

I know she's
a sexual surrogate.

And you know what
a sexual surrogate does?

She treats people
with, like, sex problems...

and problems trusting
and stuff.

And you know the nature
of that treatment?

She talks to them.
Sometimes she has sex with them.

[Sighs]
How do you feel about that?

I don't know.
Um, okay, I guess.

I mean, it's a little weird,
but it's her job.

Daniella, can you
tell me a little bit...

about what life is like
at home with your mother?

It's- I don't know.
Normal, I guess.

And it's home.

And what do you and
your mom do together?

Lots of stuff.
We like to hike.

We like to play a lot of games.
You know, hearts, Monopoly.

She's one of the coaches
on my soccer team.

- Oh.
- But mostly she kind of nags me...

to do my homework
and stop playing Guitar Hero.

Do you ever talk about
your mother's job with her?

- Sometimes.
- Daniella...

I know this is an unfair question,
but I am going to ask it.

Do you have a feeling about living
either mostly with your mom...

or your dad?

We are a nation oflaws...

and Mr. Crane broke the law.

He carried a concealed weapon-
eight of them actually.

He has no defense,
nor has he offered one.

His only play would be
to challenge the existing law.

He no doubt thinks the recent Supreme
Court ruling empowers him. It does not.

The ruling said that an individual
has the right to bear arms.

It does not say he has
a right to conceal them...

nor does it hold that the state can't impose
reasonable restrictions on that right.

And this restriction
is very reasonable.

30,000 Americans
are killed by guns every year.

To put that in perspective...

we have lost close to 4,000
soldiers in Iraq during the war.

Kids are killed
on the street walking to school.

People are shot dead in their houses,
their places of work.

Do we really need
another Virginia Tech to realize...

that this country
has a problem which is epidemic?

There are now more firearms
in homes than pets.

Does the defense
really mean to suggest...

that folks be allowed to walk around
concealing their firearms?

Or is it just that Denny Crane
is above the law?

Or maybe,
as his testimony suggests...

it's all in good fun.

Why be so concerned
about something...

as trivial as human life?

Jerry, you have to get up now.

Human life.
Human life.

Can we just please dispense
with the human life jingle?

It's so boring.
Of course we're all pro-human life.

Show of hands. How many in favor
of people not being dead?

Let's face it.
We love guns.

Go to the movies, for Pete's sake.
Turn on your TV.

We're a pistol-totin',
gun-lovin' people.

Remember, we started this country
with the shot heard round the world...

not a legislation.

Am I right?
[Chuckling] Look...

Denny Crane is
a lawyer himself, a scholar.

In fact, if there
are two legal minds...

that were ever in perfect sync
in this country...

it would be those
of Antonin Scalia and Denny Crane.

Check their D.N.A.
Twins separated at birth.

I tell ya. Denny and Tony,
Tony and Denny.

Can you imagine
Denny Crane on the Supreme Court?

Wow. Scalia, Roberts,
Thomas, Alito and Crane.

- Talk about birds of a feather.
- Jerry, what are you doing?

What am I doing?
I'm celebrating the actions of my client.

I'm acknowledging that he,
along with the Supreme Court-
not all, but the big five-

are smarter than any other
Supreme Court we've ever had.

No other Supreme Court
in our 200-year history...

could find a right to bear arms
for nonmilitary purposes.

But suddenly, presto.
Thank God for the big five.

I tell ya.

"A well regulated militia being
necessary to the security of a free State...

the right of the people to keep
and bear arms shall not be infringed."

It turns out
that the trick is...

to just ignore
the first 13 words.

Home free. See, Big Tony calls this
the prefatory clause.

"Prefatory." I guess
that means "worthless."

And this is
the operative clause.

Of course.
All this nonsense...

about the right being necessary
for a well regulated militia.

They put that in for fun. Those
Founding Father jokesters. [Laughing]

We weren't supposed
to actually take this part seriously.

How could all those stupid Supreme Courts
over the last 200 years...

- have fallen for that?
- May I have a word with cocounsel?

No, you may not.
Sit down, Hacky Sack.

And enough with this "we're
a nation of laws" crapola. Please.

We're a nation of politics.
Am I right? Am I right?

The laws are simply devices
to serve our ideologies.

For example, this court, which is
the smartest in the history of the world...

trumpeted individual liberties
to protect guns.

Trump-da-da-da! But as for individual
liberties for criminal defendants-

[Chuckles]
Who needs 'em?

And then in
the Guantanamo case...

Big Tony said individual
liberties be damned...

when it means more
human lives might be lost.

But in the guns case,
it's hail, hail individual liberties...

even though more
human lives might be lost.

That's consistent.
See, Big Tony knows the score.

Look to your politics.

That'll tell you
what the law is.

- [Loud Whispering] Jerry.
- Pipe down, Sacky boy.

These are smartjudges,
these Supremies.

And boy, once we got the newbies,
Roberts and Alito, the Premies...

the possibilities
are just boundless.

They don't have to be bound by
the Constitution or the Founding Fathers...

since they're not even bound
by their own principles.

- Jerry.
- Consider.

They always say political questions
should be decided by elected officials.

But as for guns, nuh-uh.

They say we need to pay close attention
to the precise words in the Constitution.

But for guns, nuh-uh.

They say they loathe
judicial activism.

But when it comes
to guns, nuh-uh.

Don't you just love these Premies?
McCain does.

He wants to go out and find
more judges exactly like them.

And he's a smarty-pants too, that McCain.
He knows how to become president.

He once cosponsored a bill
closing the gun-show loophole.

But now, nuh-uh.

He now believes the Second Amendment
means no gun control.

That might make him even smarter
than Big Tony and the Premies.

And Obama, he's no dummy.
He once took a stand on firearms.

But in his "Blueprint for Change"...

nada, nothing
on gun control.

Guess we don't need
that much change.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
you cannot convict Denny Crane.

If anything, this man
should be canonized.

Oh, don't you love that word?
Canonized. Sounds like a big gun.

Show of hands. How many are titillated?
Denny Crane, like Big Tony...

like the Premies, he doesn't look
at the meaning of the Constitution...

and say, "Why?"

He sees meanings that never
were and says, "Why not?"

My client is
a real American.

Flag on his lapel.
Gun in his pants.

He shoots bad guys.
Boom-boom! Boom-boom!

There is nothing more red,
white and blue than him...

a man who knows,
as does our president...

as do the big five...

human life is simply
no match for a gun.

- What the hell was that?
- Was I not compelling?

You just sent him to jail.
What could possibly possess you?

You did, for starters.
You said to give Denny what he needs.

- He needed to lose.
- He needed to lose?

- And you made that decision?
- Denny did.

Carl, my friend,
the trick to changing a law...

is not to beat it
but to get beat.

Then you can appeal
to a court that can change it.

What are you talking about?

The Massachusetts legislature
is never gonna let us pack pistols.

You got to get it
to the Supreme Court.

- They'll take care of it.
- You can't be serious.

You want to lose so you can appeal
to the Supreme Court?

[Chuckles]
Jerry, my boy...

let me present you
a wooden cigar.

You earned it,
my friend.

Thank you.

I'm a professional woman.
I have kids.

They understand what I do.
They ask me about my work.

They're proud to have me
come to their school for Career Day.

And when I get
this paycheck...

they can feel confident
that it doesn't represent one minute...

of me engaging
in a sex act.

Will this be the case
for Daniella?

What's in her
best interests?

Daniella's best interests
lie with her father.

Let's not be outfoxed
by the fancy talk...

and therapy-jargonized argument
of Ms. Monroe and her sleazy lawyer...

and allow Daniella
to be exposed to a woman...

who employs questionable philosophies
and unfit moral practices...

in her chosen career.

The General Laws of Massachusetts
state that custody of a child...

includes the right and responsibility
to see to the child's welfare...

and make major decisions about his
or her education and medical care...

and emotional, moral
and religious development.

Give Daniella's father
sole custody.

Don't make me hit you.

There was an incident
in a shopping mall recently...

that incited
a storm of protest...

and was well covered
by the media.

Apparently, a woman was thrown out
of a lingerie store...

because while she was sitting
next to a mannequin...

that was wearing only a thong
and a peekaboo bra...

the woman started
to breast-feed her baby.

Meanwhile,
back in the capital...

Attorney GeneralJohn Ashcroft
had mammoth drapes purchased...

to obscure two statues in the Great Hall
of the Department ofJustice...

because the female statue,
Spirit ofJustice, has one breast uncovered.

And the male statue,
Majesty of Law...

is bare-chested
and wears a loincloth.

- What is your point?
- My point is...

this country has a profoundly
paradoxical relationship with sex.

We damn infidelity...

but our presidents have had extramarital
affairs in and out of the White House.

The mistress-keeping and
rendezvousing of F.D. R...

L.B.J., Billy Bob Clinton
and grand champJ.F.K. Are legendary.

And other than the politically motivated
impeaching of Billy Bob, we went with it.

We didn't say, "You've engaged
in inappropriate sexual behavior
our culture finds inexcusable...

so give up your children."

And by the way,
when it comes to our children...

we've entirely lost
our heads.

When parents
were surveyed...

about what they found most offensive
in their kids' video games...

a man and a woman having sex
came in first as most offensive...

beating out graphically severed
human head, which came in third.

And yet, we have
more and more women...

proudly declaring
to their friends over coffee...

"I'm a MI LF
at my kid's high school."

M-l-L-F. Mother I'd like to f-
Forgive me for speaking this way in court.

Evidently, we've decided instead
of our traditional desexing of mothers...

we now need
to sex them up a bit.

Just talk about
the fitness of this mother.

Joanna is
a wonderful mother.

And part of her job
is to help people...

find some semblance of order
in this paralyzing mess...

to help people
find some clarity.

In today's world,
we should all be assigned someone...

to help us navigate the waters
of sex and sexism...

because it's so easy
to get lost...

so woefully, woefully lost.

We need to bring sex
out of the dark shadows...

where it can get twisted
and torqued and-

We think nothing
of using sex to sell products...

or movies,
television shows, magazines.

But when someone
is addressing sex...

in a real, true, honest way,
that's immoral?

That's inappropriate?

- That's unfit?
- All right. You win.

I am maintaining
duel custody.

Well, if you don't mind,
I'd still like to finish what I have to say.

No. Mr. Monroe,
what she does is clearly unconventional.

But there is no sign
that it's an unstable environment...

and there's no evidence
that your ex-wife is unfit.

Therefore, we are adjourned.

- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Yes.

Thank you, Alan.

Will it go straight
to the Supreme Court?

Well, no. You'd have to lose
at the appeals court...

and you have to lose again
with the S.J.C.

But not to worry.
Jerry's closing will get the job done.

Mr. Foreman, you have reached
a unanimous verdict?

- We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?

In the matter of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts versus Denny Crane...

on the charge of carrying
a concealed firearm without a permit...

we, thejury, find the defendant,
Denny Crane, not guilty.

- We won?
- What?

- Your Honor, we appeal.
- You can't appeal an acquittal.
You're the defendant.

He's right.
What happened?

I'm sorry, Denny.
Guess you can't lose them all.

I can't lose any.

You really had
your hopes up.

Well, it's one thing
to be an icon.

[Chuckles]

But to be a cause celebre,
a martyr even.

The idea of famous Hollywood people
wearing a button, "Free Denny."

I don't think Hollywood types
wear buttons for gun nuts.

You actually think I'm a nut
to carry a gun?

To carry five all at once?
Yes, Denny. That raises you to lunatic status.

- Oh. And you would never own one.
- I didn't say that.

You're afraid to even hold one,
you girl, you.

I have one.
In a safe at home.

.38.

- You have a.38?
- Yes.

I see nothing wrong
with that.

I see a lot wrong
with assault weapons...

and people walking around
like you with guns.

- Have you ever shot it?
- Just target practice.

I can't fathom a liberal like you
owning a gun. [Chuckles]

That's one of
the problems in this country.

We have two camps:
Those that like guns and those that don't.

Why can't there be a middle? Why can't we
say okay to guns and okay to gun legislation?

Why does it make someone
a pinko liberal girl...

ifhe supports background checks
and bans on assault weapons?

- That's a sexist remark. You realize that.
- What?

"A pinko liberal girl."
Girls can like guns.

Never mind.

Just let me drink.

Fine.

I am sexist.

When I see a woman,
my first thoughts are sexual.

It's not that I don't
respect her intelligence.

It's not that I wouldn't
want a woman to be president.

I'll even admit
to the possibility...

that women are emotionally
and intellectually superior to men.

But I cannot deny
there's a part of me...

that sees a woman
as this big, human mitten...

perfectly designed to keep
my cockles warm on a cold winter's night.

[Laughing]

Oh, Alan.
It's cultural.

It's biological,
and it's fun.

[Laughing]

There are many ways
men go dead as they age.

One way: :
They start incorporating...

all the learned, politically correct behavior
and thoughts into who they are...

and in the process
deny what they are.

- What are we?
- Animals.

Today's evolved men
talk to each other...

about politics
and kids and education.

They talk about
anything and everything...

and yet are
profoundly lonely. Why?

'Cause they're
ashamed to share...

their most base instinct.

You and I are not like that.

When we're 90, we'll be sitting
on a park bench. Pretty girl'll go by.

And we'll say,
"Look at the rack on that one."

You and I will
never, ever be lonely.

And if the girl has a boyfriend
who comes to confiscate our walkers?

- I've got my gun.
- Oh, I feel better.

You should.

Alan.

Embrace your inner wolf.

- You listen to Denny now.
- Yes.

[Woman]
You stinker!