All language subtitles for Boston Legal [5x01]

Previously on Boston Legal.

Did you know that Shirley Schmidt
has a cheerleading costume?

- Sometimes, she puts it on.
- Complete with pom-poms.

I would dress up and stand
in front of the mirror...

in the little skirt,
the white socks, the sweater.

It somehow
made me feel better.

- Can you imagine Shirley doing a little cheer?
- Oh, my God!

- Denny, I got in! I'm in the Coast Guard!
- What?

- Am I in?
- I don't know. Did you get a letter?

- I'm in!
- [Laughing Hysterically]

[Together]
We're in the Coast Guard!

[Both Scream]

[Man]
Over there, over there

Send the word, send the word
over there

That the Yanks are coming
The Yanks are coming

The drums
rum-tumming everywhere

- Twenty degrees starboard.
- Is that left or right?

- I mean port. Go port. Go-
- Hey, I'm the captain!

Will you be quiet!
It's right in front of us.

Geez.

[Hip-hop On Stereo]

[Siren Wailing]

[Alan On Bullhorn]
United States Coast Guard coming aboard.

Nobody move.

You're all persons of interest.

- Who's in charge of this event?
- I am.

- Do you have a permit, ma'am?
- For what?

Right to assemble at sea
is strictly forbidden...

without written
and express authorization...

- from the United States Coast Guard.
- What?

Sorry, ma'am. We're in a war.
But, lucky for you...

and perhaps me later,
I am the Coast Guard.

I'm gonna let it go
this one time.

But I'm going to have to make a thorough
inspection of your floatation devices.

- Brand-new.
- Well done.

Okay, Denny.
The situation is-

How did you possibly get out
of your clothes so fast?

Semper paratus, my friend.

"Always prepared."
Coast Guard motto.

And so it begins.

- [Funk]
- [Man Vocalizing]

[Man]
Uh-huh

- All right
- Boom.

Come on

[Lips Pop]

Come on
All right

Well, yeah

Well, yeah

Outlaw

Bethany. Yeah.

For the last seven years, I've basically
had one case that's consumed me.

It's against A.B. Curtis,
the tobacco company.

And how's the family?

These people have dragged me
through discovery.

They've exhausted my client's money,
my money.

They practically killed
my client's doctor.

- He's dead, Alan.
- He was a smoker?

No. But he was in his 70s.

They deposed him 13 times.

He died over the weekend
just as we were about to go to trial...

no doubt from
the stress of it all.

Now I don't have
a doctor to testify.

I'll have to get a continuance, which they'll
then turn into 10 more continuances...

while they depose
my new doctor 13 more times.

I can't do it.
I'm licked.

Nobody successfully sues
a tobacco company.

Even if you beat them at trial,
they just appeal.

Law firms go bankrupt
trying to climb that hill.

You know how I feel about money,
especially when it's yours.

I must say I echo Shirley's sentiment.
I do. I do.

Tobacco companies
specialize in two things.

One, getting people
addicted to cigarettes...

and two, prolonging
and protracting pretrial litigation.

I tell you, they simply make cases
too burdensome, even for big firms like us.

Certainly more than could be
handled by your average dwarf.

[Carl] I, too, am against
taking on the tobacco company...

and the firm absolutely
forbids you from taking it.

Katie, Jerry, give Alan
whatever help he needs.

- Best of luck.
- Thank you.

Denny, I could also
use your help...

- if you're up for joining.
- Yeah, whatever.

- [Elevator Bell Dings]
- [Reporters Shouting Questions]

No comment. Nothing to say.
Step aside, please.

No comment.
Lawyer coming through.

Handicapped!
Out of my way!

Phoebe.

Alan.

Are you joining as cocounsel?

- Yes.
- Excellent.

Still married with, uh-
What is it they're called?

Children.

- Right.
- All rise.

32463, in the matter of...

the Estate of Michael Rhodes
versus A.B. Curtis Tobacco Corporation.

The complainant alleging
the civil cause of wrongful death.

This court is now in session.
The honorable Milton Brody presiding.

Be seated.

Okay.
Both sides stand ready?

Well, actually, Your Honor,
the defense would be requesting more time.

The plaintiffhas added
a witness to its list...

whom we've not had the opportunity
to depose, therefore-

The witness, Your Honor, is a doctor who
will only be testifying as to cause of death.

We are forced to call him because
the doctor we had planned to call...

who has been called again
and again and again...

died this past weekend
after being deposed...

harassed and intimidated relentlessly
for the last seven of his 77 years.

The fact is my, uh-

The defense has employed...

a plethora of tactics
to delay and delay and delay.

I'm curious. Do you have
any ideas that speed things up?

Well, surrender works quite well. And
I do know how you love to wave a white flag.

- Objection!
- All right, all right.

[Judge Brody]
Ms. Prentice, I will give you a night-

one night to review the new witnesses
that have been added to the plaintiff's list.

We will begin at 10::00 a.m. Tomorrow.
Adjourned.

You know-

Once the cancer
had metastasized...

it became about managing his pain,
which was extreme.

Mr. Rhodes told you that he chose to smoke.
Am I right, Doctor?

Why? Does that make it hurt less?

I'd like to know.

- May I continue?
- Please.

There were many other
cancer-causing agents...

- that Mr. Rhodes was exposed to, right?
- I'm sorry.

Is that going to be your strategy-
that something else killed him?

[Sighs]
We can suspend this right now, Alan...

and go see the judge if this is
all too much for you to handle.

- Don't flatter yourself.
- Well, I wasn't talking about me.

Funny that you are.
Something on your heart...

you'd like to share with the rest
of the group? I'm sorry.

- I meant to say "On your mind."
- Stop it.
- [Lips Popping]

You two can get a room
after the trial.

Uh, was an autopsy
ever performed, Doctor?

- We didn't need an autopsy
to know what killed him.
- No autopsy.

- [Scoffs]
- Are you kidding?

- Miss Rhodes-
- My father smoked for 50 years.

He died of lung cancer.
Do you really mean to suggest-

- Ma'am, I need to-
- Have you ever watched a person rot to death?

Alan, maybe you can contain
your client's emotions, if not your own.

What happened to you?

All right, I'm done.

If you plan to march into that courtroom
and ask for a continuance-

No. I got what I need.
Did you?

- Thank you.
- [Pops]

Is that how you plan
to try this case?

Don't start with me, Denny, all right?
Do you have any idea...

how many people die
every day from cigarettes?

Oh, please.
What else is new?

- Tobacco kills. Big deal.
- Did you just say "big deal"?

- Well, it's old news.
- First of all, it's not just old news.

It's absolutely current. The tobacco
industry is more powerful today-

It's boring!

What, have we all just been desensitized?
Smoking kills. Whatever.

We've all just gone numb.

Why'd you say that?
Who told you I went numb?

- Who said that?
- What are you talking about?

You damn well-

- Did she call you?
- Denny, I have no idea
what the hell you're talking about.

So why don't you tell me.

You have been in a bad mood all day.
What is up?

Nothing's up.
That's the problem.

My junk doesn't work.

I beg your pardon?

I went back to
the captain's quarters...

with one of the girls
from the hot tub.

- My junk failed me.
- Oh.

- I'm done, Alan.
- D-Denny-

I wish I were dead. I'd have made
a better showing with rigor mortis.

- Dead. Done. It's over.
- Denny, it happens to every guy.

- Has it happened to you?
- Once.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

- Hello.
- Hello.

How'd the deposition go?

Fine. Why?

There are rumors
you were horrendous.

Alan, I'm happy to support
your latest tilt at the windmill.

But we know one never really beats
the tobacco industry, right?

And if opportunity for settlement
does come, we will take it, won't we?

It's receded!
Like a turtle...

too ashamed to come out of its shell.

What?

Shirley, could I, uh, steal you for a second?
It's about my penis.

[Clears Throat]
It's depressed.

- L- I don't wanna involve you, but-
- Don't even go there.

Okay. Okay.

Would you at least put on the cheerleader
costume for me? Because-

Sorry. Have you tried
jumper cables?

You think this is funny?

Okay. Would you loan me
the cheerleading costume?

- Denny-
- Give me a hand here, will you, Carl?

- Two witnesses total?
- Bethany-

I have spent seven years
preparing more than 50 experts.

Bethany, if we let this
turn into a science class-

We have to prove addiction.
We have to show that-

- You asked me to try this case. So let me-
- Two?

I want to rest as close as I can...

to the emotion
of the client's test-

- Where did she go?
- She left.

I must say, Alan,
two witnesses seems a bit bonkers.

I hope-
I hope you haven't gone mad.

Katie, one problem we have
concerning trust.

You and I haven't really had
a life together yet.

Still harassing
the younger associates?

So nice to see
you haven't changed.

Why are you here?

Well, I come in peace.

- 140,000.
- [Scoffs] For a death?

It's all we're offering. It's all you could
hope to get since we'll appeal any verdict.

And why drag this out beyond a time
we're still attracted to each other?

[Gulps]

I'm not attracted to you now.

Fine.
Let's go with that.

When I knew him,
he was mad, by the way.

I think I'll be going.

I have done hundreds
of these cases...

and they all come out
the same way.

So why stress yourself, Alan?

It's not healthy. You'd be better off
taking up smoking.

You know, the thing is, Phoebe,
you look the same...

you smell the same.

Mmm.

My, you even taste the same.

But we both know
you've changed, don't we?

I mean,
when we were together...

the very idea of either of us
doing battle for Big Tobacco...

an industry which systematically
kills people-

I hope they give you
a lot of money...

because then, of course,
it would be worth it.

Mmm.
And here you are...

at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

I don't need to
apologize for myself.

No. Not when it's easier
to just walk out the door.

- I didn't walk-
- Yes, you did.

Yes, you did.

You know what?

I think that you have changed, Alan.

Your eyes look... deadened.

They say that a man's passion
is the first thing to die as he ages.

So I suppose that should make it easier
for me to be around you...

because it was your passion
that I so fell in love with.

Your offer is rejected.

So you can leave now.

Okay, Alan.

We'll be seeing you then.

- They're here.
- [Reporters Shouting Questions]

He first started smoking cigarettes
when he was 11.

He smoked the defendant's brand?

- Mainly that brand, yes.
- And your father smoked cigarettes for how long?

- Over 50 years.
- Maureen, at some point...

your father certainly had to know
that smoking causes cancer.

He tried to quit so many times.

He was desperate to quit,
but he was addicted.

Sometimes he could
go months without.

But he'd always start up again.
He just couldn't-

[Woman Moaning]
Oh, baby. Oh!

That feels so good.
Don't stop.

- Oh! [Moaning Stops]
- Hello?

- Denny!
- It's my doctor.

- I don't care.
- Shh.

- I did that, but it still doesn't work.
- Get off the phone now.

I gotta get off the phone now.

What?

I'm sorry.

And at some point,
your father did get lung cancer?

Eleven years ago.

He fought it. He- He had one lung removed.
He did everything that-

But, um, eventually
it went to his brain.

In the end,
it was a miserable...

excruciating death.

Maureen, in fairness...

the dangers of smoking have been
well known for some time by everybody...

including your father.

That fact only made it worse.

I had to watch my father
do something over and over...

all day, every day...

that he knew would eventually kill him,
and he just couldn't stop.

He was addicted.

Since childhood,
terribly addicted.

You don't keep doing that
to yourself for no reason.

You do it because
you physically can't stop.

She has no foundation
to give medical or sci-

He was my father!

That's my foundation.

It wasn't just physical.

He suffered the shame
of being an addict.

And even if you're
heartless enough to think...

"Well, he signed on for this,"
I never signed up for it.

I'm sorry if I sound selfish,
but I never said...

"Sure. I'll watch my father
go through that agony."

My children never agreed
they'd lose their grandpa the way-

There was so much pain-

so much pain to so many people
who never signed up for it.

First, let me say
how sorry I am for your loss.

Losing a family member
to cancer is-

Is this the first time?

Um, no, actually.

- So cancer runs in your family?
- Objection.

Your Honor, there has been
a recent medical study...

that found that there is
a common genetic variant...

that actually doubles
the risk oflung cancer.

- It can run in the family.
- Oh, yes. It was just a big coincidence
that he smoked.

- Was your father ever tested
for this genetic variant?
- No.

I understand that your father worked
in a paper mill, which since-

- Are you kidding?
- Mr. Shore.

[Woman Moaning]
Oh, baby. Oh!

That feels so good. Don't stop.
[Moaning Stops]

Um, Miss Rhodes...

how many houses do you think
your father lived in during his lifetime?

I'm not sure.
Maybe six or seven.

Did any of them contain asbestos?

L-I don't really know.
Perhaps.

What about arsenic
or silica or chromium?

Were any ofhis houses tested
for any of these substances?

All of which can cause lung cancer,
if you wonder why I ask.

I don't know if they were tested
for those substances.

- What about radon?
- Radon?

[Phoebe] Yes, radon. It's a gas.
It comes from rocks and dirt.

It gets trapped
in houses and buildings.

It's quite common, actually. Odorless,
colorless, and it also causes lung cancer.

Were any of your father's homes
ever tested for radon?

Not to my knowledge.

[Phoebe]
I see.

Thank you.
And again...

my deepest condolences
for your loss.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

How'd it go?

Okay.

- Hey! Hey! You're hurting me!
- What the hell was that with the phone?

My doctor's idea.
He thought it might stimulate-

For God's sake, Denny!
I'm in the middle of a trial!

I tried putting it on vibrate,
but it wasn't the same-

I asked you to be part of this case
because I could use your help!

- This is the tobacco industry we're up against!
- I know that.

It is near impossible
to beat them.

And my odds do not improve by my cocounsel's
phone chirping "Ooh, baby, baby"...

- while I'm trying to cross-examine a witness!
- It was a medical emergency!

Medical emergency?
Because you couldn't get it up in a hot tub?

- Hey, hey, hey! Don't attack me-
- Not everything in life takes-

- 'cause you're getting your ass kicked
by your ex-girlfriend.
- A backseat to your sex life.

- All I did was accept a call-
...as sophomoric as you're determined to be-

Forgive me for expecting
a little sympathy!

- Sympathy? My client's father is dead!
- Here I am! I'm struggling!

- I turn to my best friend-
- You want sympathy because your penis failed!

- I'm not getting into this.
- I'm just trying to get an erection!

- Who knows? Maybe it's the mad cow.
- [Gasps]

- I'm sure it's not that.
- What if it is?

- My penis has Alzheimer's.
- No, Denny.

You just had an off day.

You said it happened to you once.
What were the circumstances?

- It was with her, actually. Phoebe.
- What happened?

I was in love with her.

Oh.
That'll kill the moment.

And she loved me.

Just... not enough.

I mean, no relationship
is ever quite even.

There's always
an imbalance of sorts.

One person loves or is in love
just a little more than the other, but-

I just couldn't handle being-

So I left.

Maybe it's not too late.

She's happily married with children.

Oh.

It's too late.

And personally, I take great offense
at constantly being vilified.

Well, tobacco companies
do make forjuicy targets.

[Man]
Well, let me tell you something.

Car manufacturers
make products that kill...

if you want to look
at vehicular fatality statistics.

Alcohol?
Forget it.

But we also do
some good along the way.

- Nobody wants to talk about that.
- Oh, please. What good?

How about this?
We spend billions of dollars...

in antismoking campaigns
and youth prevention efforts.

How many industries
actually spend money...

to discourage people
from buying their product?

That is an unprecedented display
of corporate conscience.

In fairness,
you might have mentioned...

the American Journal of Public Health
study that found...

teens who watch antismoking ads
aimed at young people...

were actually 36%
more likely to smoke.

I don't agree
with their findings.

[Jerry] I bet you also disagree with
the numerous public health advocates...

who've called for a ban on
all youth antismoking campaigns...

funded by
the tobacco industries...

charging they employ
insidious reverse psychology...

deliberately designed
to get teens to smoke.

- [Man] Well, there again is-
- Like cigarettes flavored...

with chocolate, strawberry
and candy spices to lure children.

- We don't do that anymore-
- Because it was finally outlawed.

At which point you turned your focus
to menthol, which is neat since-

- Menthol is legal.
- And profitable since it's
the cigarette of choice...

for 75% of African-Americans.

- Look-
- Look at what? Your product...

even when used as directed, kills
one third to one half of its consumers.

In fact, cigarettes kill more
than car accidents, homicides...

suicides, AIDS
and drugs combined.

One death every six seconds.

Sojust during your testimony...

another 50 or 60 people
have choked out.

- Your company murders people, Mr. Buttram.
- Objection, Your Honor.

Sustained. Mr. Espenson,
emotion has no play here.

And unless you can ask questions,
we're moving on.

Oh, get a grip, Judge.
Sorry.

[Man]
Doctor, my woman

Is coming back home late today

Could you maybe give me something

'Cause the feeling is gone

And I must get it back right away

- Before she sees
- [Indistinct]

That I've been up, down

Trying to get the feeling again

The one that made me shiver

Made my knees start to quiver

Every time she walked in

- And I've looked high
- High

- Low
- Low

- Everywhere I possibly can
- High

- But there's no trying
to get the feeling again
- Low

It seemed to disappear

As fast as it came

And I've been lookin'
I've been lookin', I've been lookin'

- I've been up
- Up

- And down
- Down

And trying to get the feeling

All yours.

- Excuse me?
- I said the witness is all yours.

Oh. Oh.

Thank you.

Were you delusional?

Not delusional so much as-
I don't know.

Like I was in another universe all of a sudden.
Somewhere on cable.

There's only one explanation.
You're still in love with her.

[Chuckles]
No.

No, I'm just reminded of
what it felt like to love her.

She said that my eyes-
that the fire was gone...

and that passion is
the first thing to go, and-

That's been one of
my greatest fears, Denny...

as I get older.

"Deadened" was the word she used.
[Chuckles]

Deadened.

You in the eyes, me in the junk.

On top of it, I'm losing.

I think I made a huge mistake
not putting up more witnesses.

She just put up a mountain
of expert testimony.

Alan, when you step up to do your closings,
you're anything but dead.

She hasn't got a taste
of your case yet.

She has no idea of how undead
you become in that courtroom.

- A masterpiece of nature.
- Come on. She's not that hot.

I wasn't talking about her.

Denny, I need to go work
on my closing.

I'm very confused.

[Phoebe] As I said, tobacco companies
do make for easy targets.

And I am sure that there is a part of you
that wants to get them.

So if you find that my client...

caused the death of Mr. Rhodes...

then by all means,
return with a judgment for the plaintiff.

But you simply can't
make that finding here.

Yes, he smoked. His daughter says
that it was mostly my client's brand.

But we have no
substantiation of that.

And while cigarettes may be
the most probable culprit...

no autopsy was ever done.

He wants you
to decide this on emotion.

But as Judge Brody
has already instructed...

emotion has no play here.

This is a court oflaw.
And as such...

I will ask that
you rule on the evidence.

After all,
you did take an oath...

to do exactly that.

[Sheep Bleating]

[Bleating Continues]

[Bleating Continues, Stops]

Michael Rhodes smoked cigarettes
for 50 years...

got lung cancer, and died.

We all know what happened here.
We also all know this death.

Everybody in this room knows somebody
who has fought this same battle and died...

this agonizing, brutal, excruc-

But emotion has no play here.

Michael Rhodes was 11 years old
when he started smoking.

It was 1948.

At that time, there was no known risk.
And even if there were...

at 11, he certainly lacked
the capacity to assume it.

And after that,
he was addicted.

They manufacture them
to be addictive.

In just the last few years,
they've increased the amount of nicotine...

in the average cigarette by 11.6%
to make them even more addictive.

Recently, we learned that
tobacco companies have been adding...

an ammonia-based compound to cigarettes
for years to increase absorption of nicotine.

It's basically the same principle
used in crack cocaine.

And let's look at the obscene strategy
they've employed here.

"Smoking may cause cancer...

"but it didn't cause
this particular cancer.

It wasn't our cigarettes. Or, it was
genetic or asbestos or a paper mill."

Never do they take responsibility ever!

And God forbid, if you sue them,
they'll bury you and your lawyer.

They might even depose your doctor
to death for good measure.

All their insidious methods...

and cunning corporate tactics
aren't just history.

It's what they continue
to do now, today.

Because the tobacco industry
is like a nest of cockroaches.

- They will always find a way to survive.
- Objection.

They still go after kids
with one strategy after another.

They put up brightly-colored ads...

at kids' eye level
in convenience stores.

They hire gorgeous twentysomethings
to frequent popular venues...

and seduce young adults into attending
lavish corporate-sponsored parties.

Cockroaches will always find a way.

They can't advertise on TV,
but they've hired P.R. Agencies...

to hook them up with the film industry,
and it's worked.

Researchers estimate
that smoking in movies...

delivers nearly 400,000
new adolescent smokers every year.

Every time you try to kill the cockroach,
it finds another way.

It has to, because when you make
a product that kills off your consumers...

you have to find a way
to recruit new customers.

They've now got a new feminized version
of the macho Camel brand...

using slogans like "light" and "luscious"
with hot-pink packaging.

Virginia Slims advertised
their "thin" cigarette.

Allure magazine did a whole spread
on the cigarette diet.

They use social
and psychological profiling...

targeting potential smokers
by gender, ethnicity...

sexual preference,
socioeconomic groups.

Cockroaches don't discriminate.
Their C.E.O. Comes into this courtroom...

gloating over their
antismoking campaign...

which is designed
to get kids to smoke!

In 2005, they spent more than 15 billion
on advertising and promotion.

That's a 225% increase from 1998.

And they have the audacity to declare
they're trying to discourage smoking!

This is not how corporations
with a conscience behave.

How in God's name are cigarettes even legal?
Can anybody tell me that?

They are a deadly
concoction of carcinogens...

that damage every single organ
in your body.

Why do we not ban them?
Because it's a free country.

Because freedom of choice is an American ideal
worth somebody dying every six seconds?

How can any company, especially
one with such a conscience no less...

knowingly manufacture a product
that poisons its users...

and make that product look
cool and hip and sexy...

and fun so they can get children?

How can any attorney defend a company
that would do such a thing?

And how can any society tolerate it?
But we do!

There is no conscience
at Big Tobacco.

There is no conscience
in Washington...

which has been bought
and paid for by this industry.

Conscience has to come
from you, the jury.

If real regulation is to happen...

it has to come from you.

People are smoking day after day after day,
and dying and dying and dying...

and the tobacco companies
keep getting richer and richer.

Last year alone,
they made $12 billion in profits.

How can that be?
How can that be?

What?

How about we win,
you come back to my place...

get in the hot tub naked,
and I'll bob for ya?

- That's a pass.
- [Knocking]

Alan, my client has expressed
an interest in working this out.

- That's a pass too.
- Don't you want to hear a number?

- I don't need to hear your number.
- Excuse me.

- Jury has a verdict.
- Already?

Let's go hear their number.

Maybe we should at least listen
to what they have to say.

- It's not too late.
- Yes, it is, for them.

- Bethany-
- Mr. Foreman, the jury has reached a verdict?

- We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?

In the matter of
Rhodes versus A.B. Curtis Tobacco Company...

on the count of wrongful death,
we find in favor...

- of the plaintiff.
- Hot damn!

And we order the defendant
to pay compensatory damages...

in the amount of $600,000.

We further order the defendant...

to pay punitive damages in
the amount of $213 million.

What?

- Defense moves for a judgment
notwithstanding the verdict.
- [Lips Popping]

- Denied.
- Defense moves to set aside
the award as excessive.

- Denied.
- We appeal.

So noted. Members of the jury,
this completes your service.

The court dismisses you
with their thanks.

- And we are adjourned.
- [Gavel Raps]

You gotta feel like
getting naked now.

Mr. Shore.

- I don't know what to say.
- Neither do I.

Alan, thank you so, so much.

Alan, um, a second, please?

In private?

Well. Congratulations.

Obviously, we'll be fighting this.

It'll be years and years
before this thing is remotely over.

I've got time.
It's not as if I'm dying or anything.

No. You're quite not.

Well, I, um-

I don't do appellate work.

So I'll be passing this
on to another lawyer, so-

I guess this is good-bye then.

Yes.

Well.

Good-bye, Alan.

Good-bye.

Still have me.

It's not quite the same.
But you know what, Denny?

Sometimes it comes remarkably close.

What you said to me
about being undead in the courtroom...

it-

It's not lost on me how lucky I am
to have somebody in my life who can-

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Ah.

You know, as much as I hate cigarettes,
I so miss the cigarette break.

The little respite where coworkers
would go outside and be communal...

discuss the trivial annoyances...

and affections in their lives.

It always turned out
to be anything but trivial.

And to think
I might not even know you...

but for the fact that
we both like to smoke...

these smelly cancer sticks
that can only be smoked outside.

Hmm.

That would be a tragedy.

I especially can't imagine being alone now...
when my junk has Alzheimer's.

- Denny-
- Well, it's a symptom. You said so yourself.

It figures.

For me, it would be
the first thing to go.

- What's that?
- What?

Oh. I didn't see it.

Ooh.

Is that the- It-

- No-
- See ya.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
At least let me see it!

Oh, my.

It's a two-piece, Denny.
A share toy.

- Forget it.
- Come on!

- It was a gift to me.
- You take top, I'll take bottom.

Not a chance- Ooh.

- What?
- I'm cured. I'm back! I'm gone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Why not savor this moment?

At my age, I'm lucky
to last a moment.

You take the top, I'll take the bottom.
Tomorrow, we'll switch off.

It'll be just like the three-way
you've always wanted.

- I never wanted you as part of the three.
- Denny.

I have never asked you for anything.
I am your best friend.

- Oh, Alan!
- How can you possibly be so selfish and cruel?

- Don't ruin it.
- Oh, my God.

- See ya.
- What's your rush?

Slow down.

Treat her right.

Romance her a little.

At least... dance with her first.

Dance.

- [Chuckles]
- Hold her. Drink her in.

Cherish her.

- [Man] "L"
- Ooh!

Is for the way you look at me

- "O"is for
- This is magic.

- The only one I see
- It's fantastic.

- "V"is very, very
- God, are we weird?

- So weird.
- Extraordinary

"E"is even more

Than anyone that you adore can

Love was made for me and you

[Woman]
You stinker!