All language subtitles for Boston Legal [4x08]

Sir, could you step out
of the stall, please?

Sir, can I see some
identification, please?

It's a courthouse. Denny Crane.

I don't need to identify
myself in a courthouse.

Please place your hands
behind your back, sir.

Why?

Sir, you are under
arrest for solicitation.

What?

- You have the right to remain silent.
- Solicit--

- anything you say can and will
be used agast you...in a court of law.
- who the hell did I solicit?

You have the right to an attorney.

Sir, please put your
hands behind your back now.

- Alan.
- All right.That's it.

- Get him down on the floor.
- Hey, w--ow!

Alan!

Alan! Pick up, will you?

Alan! Pick up.

Alan! Alan!

He did all the known
signals for solicitation.

In fact, he was quite
methodical about it.

- He's full of crap.
- Denny.

Well, so was I, but I was constipated.

What known signals?

Well, first he came in,
looked under the stall doors.

Then he entered a stall
next to an occupied one.

He slid his briefcase to the front,

making his feet visible
to the adjacent occupant.

Oh, please. I--

he then moved his foot over.

Then he began to hum quietly.

Then he tapped his foot
four times, up and dowN.

- Look, now first, we-
- Denny.

Sir, look, there's really
no point denying this.

Unless you consider innocence a point.

Would that be a point worth considering?

These are well-known
solicitation signals.

you didn't even go to the
bathroom, by the way, did you?

Because I was constipated.

Did we not go over this?

My suggestion is that u
make this go away quietly.

Bribe. I knew it.

I'm not suggesting a bribe.

My recommendation's that you
plead guilty to disorderly conduct.

he's not gonna plead guilty to anything.

You really want these
charges to be made public?

This sounds an awful lot like
extortion, officer whistler.

It's not extortion.

I'm just saying, your choice--

disorderly conduct and a small fine or
public trial for solicitation to have gay sex.

Trial.

- Wait.Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Denny. Trial.

why are you angry at me?

Because I could've made
this thing go away quietly.

You're making it into a cause.

I am not, Denny.

You're being larry craiged
here, and it isn't fair.

But with a public trial?

It's one thing for people to think I've
got, uh, alzheimer's or I've lost my mind.

But for them to think I'm gay?

Denny, for god sake,
you cannot plead guilty.

It's a ridiculous charge.

The police had no bus--

what's going on?

Denny had a little
misunderstanding this morning.

In an effort to relieve
some mild...constipation,

he unwittingly offered to be a whistle-blower
for an undercover police officer.

It happens.

He's being arraigned this afternoon.

I'm moving for an immediate dismissal.

The battleship-- as I
live and breathe.

you get more and more beautiful.

Who's suing you now?

I take it you haven't heard.

I got fired, shirl.

What?

As of now, you're looking
at an unemployed shock jock.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing too bad, but as
far as the station's concerned--

what did you say?

Well, something like
old people should die.

You said that on the air?

Oh, come on. It's the
radio, for god sakes.

If you can't be vulgar
there. free speech.

Look, seriously, Shirley,
I'm--I'm not a young man.

If I lose this gig,
I may not get another one.

I need to fight this.

old people should die.

Free speech. Rah.

Rah.

Why would Paul want to see us?

Obviously Sack told him.

Maybe Paul's gay.

God, why can't I have that?

Well, I see somebody has run
to the principal's office.

Hello, Alan.

Denny, how are you?

Not gay.

Yes.

Carl has shared with me the latest.

I'm told there's a chance of making this
go away with a disorderly conduct plea.

That was rejected.

May I ask why?

He's innocent, Paul.

Alan, you know and I know
that the charges alone--

Denny's been charged with crimes before.

This one leaves its own special tarnish.

Even an outright acquittal
won't amount to exoneration.

We need to dispose of this
as quietly as possible.

this is ridiculous.

He's being railroaded by some overzealous
cop who's staking out a bathom.

I don't know if it's
more offensive or silly.

Denny, may I speak with you in private?

Let's go, al. Let's give
'em some special time.

If you care to leave,
Carl, please do so.

But, Paul, anything you have
to say to Denny, you can say--

with all due respect to your friend'ip,
Denny and i go bk almost 40 years.

You really are old, Paul.

Go ahead, Alan.

Bond with Carl for a second.

No sleepovers.

Carl Sack has the job of
worrying about the firm.

I was happy to pass that baton.

I'm concerned about you.

Look, I see Alan all poised
here to climb on his soap box.

But at whose expense?

If I plead to disorderly, the papers
will make straw out of that as well.

Denny, your grip on your
position here as senior partner--

I know you know--
is a little tenuous.

This may be all the managing partners need
to finally take your name off the door.

Which is why I need to be vindicated.

And should you lose?

Paul...

right or wrong, I-I
need to go out as...

Denny Crane.

I don't want my legacy to...

it's worth risking my job...

to save my reputation.

I'm afraid you may lose both.

Not if we win.

All or nothing...

you and I used to say that all the time.

Remember?

Uh, why a judge and not a jury?

Juries can't give
equitable relief, plus,

they don't especially enjoy being summoned
for something trivial like first amendment.

Well, well, well.

- Bethany.
- Shirley.

You've let yourself go.

I find that refreshing.

It's so nice to see an elderly person
who's not afraid to look her age.

Yes, well, vanity can be
quite the beast, I suppose.

I see you're wearing heels.

Dwarf jokes. Classy.

All rise.

In Re: Binder vs. W.W.E.N. Boston,
judge Victoria Thomson presiding.

This court is in session.

Good morning, your honor.

Shirley Schmidt for the plaintiff.

I'm not interested.

Who's the station manager?

Uh, I am, your honor.

And my name is Bethany Horowitz.

I represent W.W.E.N.
And why are you staring?

'Cause I almost bought that same outfit.

Sit your itty-bitty self down.

Mr. Flanders, in the witness chair, now.

- Move it.
- Wait a second.

They're the ones suing.

I know that.

I want to hear from him. Now.

Denny Crane in a men's room.

Don't you just love that?

Another "family values"
advocate looking to use

another man's private
part as a sippy cup.

Time to go to church now, Denny,
time to get in touch with god.

Off to rehab we go.

Doesn't it just make you want to
snorkel in your mother's vomit?

I can't take it.

The press is into it.

I'm gay fodder.

I can't take it.

Come on, Denny. Let's just get to court.

That woman of all people
knows I am straight.

She told me it was the best sex she ever
had since her brother in ninth grade.

She told me.

you go for immediate dismissal.

None of this continuance crap.

Immediate.

Lorraine.

Alan. Denny.

Would you be riding on
the elevator with us?

Think you can handle it, Denny?

well, maybe not.

I-I don't know whether you've
heard about my, um, predicament.

I heard that you were
humming in the men's room.

That predicament?

Yeah, yeah.

Rumors are ugly things, Lorraine.

I'll bet there's some about you.

I wouldn't know.

Neither would I.

There are security cameras
on these elevators.

If I were to have sex
on one with a-a woman,

that would dispel the horrible
rumor that I, um, uh, you know, uh--

like to hum in men's rooms?

Would you mind?

Not at all, Denny.

But I am involved, so I can't.

Please. It's an emergency.

Then perhaps you
should call 9-9-9.

What's his name?

I'm sorry?

Uh, the boyfriend--
what's his name?

Were we meant to get on that?

Hey, Lorraine.

Katie.

How are you liking working here so far,
aside from the misogynistic bits and pieces?

Oh, it's fine.

Personally, I enjoy being objectified.

It's a wonderful prophylactic if
one doesn't care to be really known.

I suppose.

Um, somehow I feel I know you.

Have we met before
Crane, Poole & Schmidt?

I don't believe we have.

Odd.

Have you ever spent time in Gland?

I haven't actually, though
I've always wanted to go.

I just thought perhaps...

when Denny said earlier he had an
emergency, you said "call 9-9-9"?

It's 9-1-1,
actually.

Of course it is.

I said
"9-9-9"?

Yes, which, coincidentally is the number
one calls for an emergency in england.

- I guess that is a coincidence.
- Yes.

Bye, Katie.

Hope the rest of your day goes well.

You, too.

Look, it's all about sales.

Here we're faced with advertiser
pullout, a boycott by listeners.

But he's a shock jock.
This is what he does.

Yes, and if he makes money for us, fine.

If he doesn't... he goes.

It's nothing personal here.

He's been saying outrageous
things for 25 years.

Yes, and a lot of people have
been listening to him for 25 years.

So what's changed?

Those listeners are old now.

I-if he wants to put down blacks
or--or jews or episcopalians, fine.

But our demographic is baby boomers.

Insulting old people-- it
affects our bottom line.

It's a no-can-do.

So you admit that what he said was
in the context of social commentary.

So what?

So what?

You're primarily a news station.

No, 're primarily a profit center,
like every other news station.

You had ann coulter on the
show last week as a guest.

This is a woman who referred to john
edwards using the homosexual "f" word.

no one takes ann coulter seriously.

I mean, she's a joke.

Since bob is actually respected
for his political commentary,

his remarks are more dangerous.

You don't see a problem firing a political
commentator for making a political comment?

Not really.

"Case number 6-6-2-6-6.
The commonwealth vs. Denny Crane."

Alan Shore appearing for mr. Crane.

I would ask that this arraignment
be quashed immediately.

You cannot quash an arraignment.

But you can, your honor,
and you should here.

Because if you look at the facts,
you'll see that even as alleged,

they don't support
the charges being filed.

No money ever changed hands--

you don't have to go that far.
It's an choate crime.He--

suppose he just hit on another
man he found attractive?

- Oh, my god.
- Are you saying it's a crime
for one man to propose sex to another?

In some states, it probably is.

But this is massachusetts,
the home of Mitt Romney, a man
who was once okay with gay unions.

Though he's not okay with them now.

Let's all be clear on that.

I'll not have you attacking my governor.

Judge, you shouldn't even be on this case.

If you'll remember, I once defended you on
a subject very near and dear to this one.

I can be impartial.

And I shall be.

And you cannot quash an arraignment.

If you want to try to kick
it after charges are filed--

a-and that's mr. Crane's choice?

To plead out or face public ridicule?

Have you noticed all
the cameras, by the way?

It's extortion. This is a witch hunt.

The D.A.'s office
probably targeted mr. Crane

because of all the
bad blood between our--

This is the United States of America.

Our system of justice does not
dictate to district attorneys

who should or should not be prosecuted.

Your points may be good ones, but...

they are to be decided by the trier of
fact, which in this case is the jury.

This case shall go to trial.

Adjourned.

Disorderly is still on the table.

Denny, maybe you should
consider making a deal here.

If you get convicted--

No.

We go to trial.

Are you sure?
Don't' do this because of me.

I'm doing it because of me.

We go to trial.

But... you have to win it.

Familiar, how?

I just feel I've seen her before
or-- don't you think it's odd--

she says she's never been to
england, and she said "call 9-9-9"?

Could be a coincidence.

I also detect an english accent.

You do? Really?

Well, sometimes. Barely noticeable.

Why don't we just google her?

I did.

I didn't find anything.

I know this is horrible of me to say,

but for some reason, I
just have this feeling...

she's a criminal.

I thought you liked everybody?

Oh, I do, and I like her, I just...

think she's a criminal.

A lot of people were hugely
offended by what you said.

But what I said was
political commentary.

Moreover, it was important.

Important?

Oh, this I gotta hear.

You sit your itty-bitty,
little self down.

I want that on the record.

How was the content important, bob?

Our government, at least
on a national level,

is becoming little more than
an income transfer mechanism

from younger workers
to the old retirees.

Social security, medicare and medicaid
already take up over 40% of the federal budget.

And in the next 25 years,

the number of people over
65 is expected to double.

Now does anybody get what that means?

We could be heading for a day

when the bulk of our federal
budget goes to subsidizing retirees.

None of the politicians
will even talk about iT. Why?

Because who's primarily
funding this next election?

Baby boomers.

So your solution is
for old people to die.

I was making a point
in a provocative way.

An offensive, indecent, disgusting way.

I'm going to just wing
it and say argumentative.

I didn't interrupt your questions.

What is this?

They're called objections, Bethany.

They're allowed now.

I ask the court to sanction
this rude, bitchy-do person.

Counsel, just ask your questions and
try not to give in to your good nature.

You are aware, sir, that baby boomers make
up a big part of your listening audience?

I am.

The irony is--

I'm not interested in iron

I find nothing ironic about calling for
the genocide of an entire class of people.

You sure like to come
on strong, don't you?

Better to be a cannon
then get shot out of one.

I saw that.

I want this entire
transcript expedited so that

I can personally deliver it to the
anti-defamation league, which at this moment,

is probably listening to a recording
of this man's jihad against the elderly.

all right, I've heard
enough of your little self.

How about you and I both refrain
from commenting on the other's size?

Bring it on, judgie-do.

I'm not going anywhere.

What do you mean,
there's something up with her?

You don't think there's
anything suspicious about her?

Because she said "9-9-9"?

you're right.

Hey, Clarence.

I got a friend at the I.R.S.

I had him do a little
search on her tax records--

dates back seven years and stops.

She never filed before that.

- Maybe she didndn't work before then.
- Ever?

and it gets better.

You don't say hey back?

She graduated law school from
the university of chicago in 1999.

In her resume, it says she
attended georgetown before that.

Georgetown has no record
of any Lorraine Weller.

I ran a social security record search.

No evidence of her prior to
attending the university of chicago.

I never trusted her.

So then the question becomes,
if she's not Lorraine Weller...

who is she?

Look, these are the signals.

I didn't make 'em up.

He looked under the stall,
moved his foot to the side,

then his bag,
tapped his foot and hummed.

Come on.

At that point, you moved in.

We asked him to step out of the
stall, and then we arrested him.

Why didn't you wait for him to
do something more definitive?

What he'd already done was definitive.

Okay, suppose somebody was just out looking
for some action, not prostitution, but action.

They hear that there might
be some in the bathroom and--

I mean, is that a crime
now, to hit on somebody?

These were known
signals for prostitution.

But you didn't wait for
money to change hands.

We felt we had enough to go on.

Oh, come on.

So if someone has a bag in his hand,

a tune in his head and needs
to poop, he better watch out.

Commit the wrong ambiguous gesture,
and he's looking at the slammer.

I guess they play a
lot of footsie in there.

- Objection.
- Sustained.

Your honor, at this time I move for
a directed finding of not guilty.

- The prosecution has failed
to meet its burden of proof--
- Denied.

Okay, I move to remove you on
the grounds of horrible judging.

Ere's a pattern of it, actually.

Denied.

Judge, I've seen you
go in that men's room.

What do you mean, you might lose?

Well, I should win.

They've got no transaction, but...

but what?

I have to put Denny on the stand.

Is there any way around that?

I don't think so.

At this point, he's gotta tell his story,
and in doing so, he would then become...

our defense.

Dear god.

I had terrible, terrible gas.

I have it a lot.

so what did you do?

Well, I went into the bathroom hoping to
relieve it with a, um, a bowel movement.

- I have them a lot.
- Denny, please.

Upon entering the men's
room, I, um, farted.

- Uh, I do that--
- Denny.

So I entered, uh, a vacant stall
and I preeded to, uh, do my business.

Only I-I was constipated,
so I had difficulty.

Did you engage in all these
signals they've been talking about?

Well, I-I-I slid my briefcase out of
the way and moved my foot to the side

'cause I like to give myself
a wide berth when I'm impacted.

And I, uh, began to hum uh, 'cause
it's a-- it's a relaxing technique.

And I started tapping my
foot to give my hum a beat.

so you didn't go into the
bathroom looking for sex?

Oh, god, no.

Oh, I've--I've had sex
in bathroom stalls before,

and sometimes for money, but
always, always with a woman.

I'm a heterosexual.

And I think being gay is a sin.

It's against god, it's against the
president and it's bad for the troops.

How could the police
officer have misinterpreted?

'Cause he's an idiot.

And by the way, I have gay friends.

And they like to look at the
merchandise just like anybody else.

They're not gonna just have sex with
whoev in the next stall, sight unseen.

They may be sick, but
they're not stupid.

It's just a total coincidence that

you engaged in all these
known signals to have sex?

Well, not known to me.

You say you know.

you gay?

I am, as a matter of fact.

D-does that make a difference?

Well, a big one if I
were looking to get laid.

You would never sleep with a man?

Never.

Never have a sleepover
with a male friend?

Well, that's different.

In fact, you've had sleepovers
with your lawyer--Alan Shore.

- Isn't that right?
- Objection.

We never had sex.

You sleep in the same bed as... buddies?

Yeah.

And you two have special time every night
together on your balcony, is that right?

So what's wrong with that?

You refer to each other as...

flamingos.

- Did you tell him this?
- I didn't.

What's the point? This is irrelevant.

It's called male bonding.

You never heard of that?

Oh, I know all about male bonding.

Now let me see if I get this.

You're a man who sleeps with other men.

You just so happen to signal another
man to have sex with you in a bathroom,

but it's all just a big coincidence.

You sometimes refer to
yourself as a flamiO.

But you're not gay.

You're damn right, I'm not.

I think I get the picture.

Nothing further.

good heavens, you frightened me.

Just now, or do I frighten
you in general, Katie?

You've been quite a curious girl.

What's going on, Katie?

What's going on is you're
not who you say you are.

I know I've seen your face.

I don't know your real identity.

But I know you've only been
Lorraine Weller since 1997,

when you entered the university
of chicago law school.

So you know my secret.

No. I only know part of it.

- I used to be somebody else.
- Who?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

It could cost me my life.

I married a man from
pakistan 12 years ago.

I was unfaithful to
him, which he discovered.

There have been several honor killings
in muslim communities in london.

I am from london.

My co-adulterer was killed
in an automobile accident.

I believed the next accident
was going to happen to me,

so I fled london, changed my
name, began a new life here.

I'm told by my friends my
husband's still looking for me.

Does Alan Shore know this?

No, and I would beg you not to tell him.

It's a business, judge.

Talk shows,
news shows--

they're all in it for
the same thing--money.

If he wants to insult people, fine.

But it better be good for sales.

Howard stern is funny.

People like him. He
could say what he wants.

Don imus--not
so funny.

And nappy hair was bad
for the bottom line.

It's the same thing here.

W.W.E.N.Was faced with advertiser
pullout because of what bob binder said.

And by the way, what's wrong with
cleaning up the airwaves a little?

I'm sick of these so-called journalists
cloaking their hate mongering

and bigotry in the american flag
and calling it free speech.

Why can't a radio station fire an employee
for spewing out despicably immoral crap?

Maybe that's what americans
are really calling for here.

About time.

Was what my client said really so bad?

It's interesting-- she
mentions howard stern.

My client was asked by his
station to be more like Howard.

Howard Stern asked on the air,
"so if you're half arab and half jewish,

"do you negotiate with the sheep before
having sexual relations with them?"

She also mentions Don Imus.

Viacom seems to have no problem with
imus referring to arabs as "ragheads."

In 2004, he referred to Simon & Schuster,
the book publishers, as jews who steal.

Then he apologized for the
remark as being "redundant."

Uh, Glenn Beck-- he's on CNN--

"the most trusted name in news."

He's referred to the
Katrina survivors as...

a vulgarity I'm not
allowed to repeat here.

He also said he didn't think it possible to
hate any victims faster than the 9/11 victims.

These so-called
journalists are everywhere.

And frankly, I wouldn't mind
seeing most of them gone.

But it's one thing to curtail
racist or hateful remarks.

It's quite another to
censor political content.

What Bob Binder said
may have been offensive,

but it was also
legitimate public debate.

Ironically one the public and the
presidential candidates refuse to engage in.

If the older demographic
has more economic power

to affect the outcome of
the presidential elections,

and the government is spending most of
its money on the older demographic...

gee, shouldn't somebody
be discussing this?

A press-- a free press--

has always been vital to a democracy.

Not just when they
serve the bottom line,

but perhaps especially when it doesn't.

Your honor, reporters actually lost
their jobs for criticizing the war.

35% of today's journalists say
newsworthy stories are sometimes shunned

if they'll hurt the financial
interests of their news organizations.

In America?

Our free press?

This man got fired from a news talk show

for expressing a political idea.

Are we really okay with that?

Really?

Look, we have a lot of this
illicit, illegal and yes,

immoral activity going on not behind
closed doors but in public areas.

Kids go in these bathrooms sometimes.

Are we gonna look the other way
just because he is Denny Crane?

I mean, come on.

He went in, looked under the stall,

saw somebody, entered
the adjacent stall,

pushed his briefcase
forward, slid his foot over,

tapped his foot then the humming.

By coincidence?

This is shameful, even more so

if we excuse it just because he is a high-profile
lawyer who thinks that he should be above the law.

Alan...

don't save the world, just get me off.

Can you do that, please?

Denny, when you hold my hand, it's just
as thrilling as the very first time,

but the jury could get the wrong idea.

I'm sorry.

I never heard much gay prostitution
going on in men's rooms.

I mean, uh, maybe in a park or a
club or-- uh, but in a courthouse?

There's certainly a lot more of the
heterosexual kind going on elsewhere,

most of which we turn a blind eye to.

There's even talk of
legalizing it in vegas.

So is there something especially
offensive about gay prostitution?

We know washington
certainly feels that way.

All those family values senators had
nothing to say about david vitter,

the louisiana senator who was,
uh, caught in a prostitution ring.

I guess because he had the decency
to visit only female hookers.

So, uh, let me see.

All right, we've got, uh,

29 current or recent members of
congress a-accused of spousal abuse.

27 have been arrested for
driving under the influence.

19 current or recent members
accused of writing bad checks.

14 have drug related arrests.

Eight busted for splifting, seven for
fraud, four for theft, three for assault,

but larry craig's the one they simply must
broom for tapping his foot in a men's room.

And why are we paying
the police to tap back?

With all this terror business and these
security crises going on in airports,

why are the police across the country
manning bathroom stalls to play footsie?

Mr. Shore, I shall ask you to
confine yourself to this case.

I'm talking about this case.

Homophobia has run amok, judge.

It's the reason we're all gathered
here, and it's preposterous.

We're actually sitting in a courtroom
wasting tax dollars because my client had gas.

He was constipated.

He went to remedy his problem
in a bathroom--imagine that--

where, lo and behold, three undercover
police officers were lurking,

waiting to interpret a tapping
foot as a call for gay sex.

Now, uh, maybe larry
craig deserved his fate.

He was thrown in front of the
very bus he helped to build.

But Denny Crane doesn't deserve this.

All he was trying to do was take a crap.

and even if one were to go there looking
for sex, there's no law against that.

The crime is soliciting for a fee.

This complaint doesn't even
allege that any money was involved.

As my, uh, great aunt gert used to say,

"this smells funny, and
I'm not going to eat it."

The first amendment applies to state
action only, t private companies.

If a government punishes mr. Binder for
saying what he did, that's censorship.

When a private business does
so, it's editorial control.

this isn't going well.

You say something, ms. Schmidt?

if I did, I'm sure it
wasn't important, your honor.

However...

there's the magic word.

Corporations have become the biggest
infringers of free expression.

It's been going on for years,
starting with cigarette companies

who pull their advertising dollars from any
publication that runs an article on cancer.

Beyond that, corporations are using something
called S.L.A.P.P. suits to chill free speech.

So when it comes to truth in
this country, the fix is in.

As for talk show hosts, the public
gets the opinion the sponsors pay for.

Your honor, this is truly riveting,
but can you just give us the ruling?

Dwarves have limited life spans.

Judgment for the petitioner.

That work for ya?

Are you on drugs?

He was hired to be a provocateur.

He said inflammatory things before.

He was championed by
the station for doing so.

I'm ruling in favor of the
plaintiff on an estoppel theory.

Please don't take this
personal, pip-squeak.

I want that on the record.

You know, that robe doesn't give you the
authority or the right to demean me for my size,

you barrage balloon.

Go ahead.

What are you gonna do?

Bethany.

That cannon remark was
really below the belt.

I'm sorry.

It wasn't my intent to...

well, stoop to your level, and
please don't take that the wrong way.

It's just...

you seem to push my
buttons for whatever reason.

Not many people can do that.

Is it because I was with
Denny, and you still love him?

It could be many
things, but n-not that.

The--the truth is, I bet...

I could like you.

okay, not a chance.

But I do tip to my hat to you, Bethany.

You really are something.

Thank you.

Well... have a good night.

Until we meet again.

Yes, until.

A fatwa?

Some pakistani put a hit on her?

That's what she said.

I have had heard of
these honor killings.

- A fatwa?
- Keep your voice down.

She asked me to keep her confidence.

- I'm not keeping it.
- Whitney!

Suppose her ex-husband shows up here?

I'm not going down in some fatwa.

Hello.

Hello.

How's it going?

what's going on?

Oh, nothing. Just discussing
the Patriots and Red Sox and fatwas.

I'm disappointed.

you're disappointed?

You put us all at risk, girl.

What if your ex-pakistani
blows up the building, hmm?

That would really disappoint me.

In fact, we'd all go to pieces.

I can't stop you revealing my secret
if that's what you choose to do.

But you will jeopardize my life.

A fatwa?

Can you imagine?

Of all the times I've beaten the rap,
to be convicted of public gayness...

I'll be forced to
unregister as a republican.

Republicans would have no
problem with you being gay, Denny,

so long as you continue
to persecute homosexuals.

I hope you're right.

Madam foreperson, the
jury's verdict is unanimous?

Yes, your honor.

The defendant will please rise.

Madam foreperson, what say you?

We find the defendant Denny Crane...

not guilty.

oh, thank god.

Congratulations, Denny.

Uh, could your honor find as a
matter of law that I am not gay?

Denied.

Adjourned.

You must be deeply relieved.

Oh, I could hug you,
but I might get arrested.

Hug me anyway.

not gay.

Not guilty.

Tell me the truth.

Wouldn't you hate it if
people thought you were gay?

Well, I'd hate the idea of being
perceived as deceitful or dishonest.

As for sexual orientation, I...

women are much less guarded
around gay men, Denny.

You could endear yourself as a bit of a trojan
horse before surprising them with your...

trojan.

I never thought of that.

This could be an advantage.

thank you, Alan.

I'm not crazy about you lumping me with
that closet democrat from idaho but...

still, thank you.

Can you believe the D.A. tried
to exploit us for being flamingos?

Oh, ridiculous.

Thank god he didn't find out we like
to dress up as the lennon sisters.

He actually tried to shame us
for our sleepovers.

Bigot.

Those homosexuals can't stand the
thought of legitimate male bonding.

Where is the tolerance?

oh, did you hear?

Shirley went up against Bethany.

No.

God, it's been so long since
I've had sex with a dwarf.

Me, too.

Me, too.

It's the little things, Alan.

we gotta stop working so much.

Maybe if you could
stop getting arrested.

I'm the problem?

well, you have been causing a
fair amount of trouble lately.

you think I've lived an evil life?

I womanize, I drink, I break the law,

and now to be mistaken for a-A...

well, you get to be my age,

you--you worry about the
afterlife and where you're heading.

You ever think about those things?

Sometimes.

Then I remember what mark twain said,

"you go to heaven for the climate
but to hell for the compy," so...

no matter what, in the end...

we'll be together.

Indeed.

Soul mates in hell. I love it.

I bet they have dwarves in hell.

How could they not?

Suddenly I'm less afraid of death.

There you go.