All language subtitles for united.states.of.al.s02e10.720p.web.h264-cakes

So, there's three of you?

Yep. My brother and I
were both Navy,

and I have a sister
who's a flight attendant.

Ah. I'll bet she's seen
more combat than both of you.

Oh, yeah, the Sunday night
flight back from Vegas is rough.

Hand me that ten.

Uh, when you bleed the brakes
and refill them, make sure...

Yep, I already checked
the brake lines for cracks.

Wow. It's nice to meet a woman

who knows how to fix
her own bike.

It's nice to meet a Marine
who knows how to read.

Ah. You miss it?

Miss what?

Being in, being active duty.

Well, I don't miss
being on a ship.

You and I are never
going on a cruise.

What's the longest
you were at sea?

Well, it was supposed
to be six months,

kept getting extended,
turned into nine.

Oh, man, I hate
when that happens.

Yeah, and the galley

always knew when
bad news was coming

'cause they had us cook
the crew a steak dinner.

Try to soften the blow.
Mm.

So, if you cook me a rib eye,

it means you're gonna
break up with me?

Now you know my tell.

Hope it doesn't happen,
but if it does,

I like it medium-rare.

You want to go upstairs?

Ooh, I don't know.

It's getting kind of late.

Oh!

Other way.

And while many factors
influence our decision-making,

those decisions turn out to be
surprisingly predictable.

Mr. Karimi, we are not even
one minute into this class.

Yes, thank you.

Uh, my question is
this doesn't make sense.

How can you predict what someone
is going to do? You're not God.

I am during midterms.

Uh, that was a joke.

I am not God.

Uh, "I...

am not God."

But it's a good question.

How do we predict
human behavior?

Think of the grocery store.

Studies show that when shopping
carts are doubled in size,

customers will buy 40% more.

Yes, Mr. Karimi?

I don't do that.

I just buy the groceries I need.

The size of the cart
makes no difference.

You might think that,
but grocery stores

do manipulate people into
making unconscious decisions.

I actually work
in a grocery store,

and we don't manipulate anyone.

Well, I already regret
asking this,

but what do you do
at the grocery store?

I restock the shelves.
But Shawn says

I'm only a few months
away from being a bagger.

I bet you restock the shelves

at the end of the aisles
more than the middle.

I do.

That's because of
a psychological principle

called funneling.

I-If you are implying
that my manager Tom

is some sort of mastermind,

he once came to work
with his pants on backwards.

Now might be a good time
to remind everyone

that this is a lecture,
not a conversation.

Moving on, there are four
colored circles behind me.

Would you all think
of one of those colors?

70% of you chose red.

Show of hands.

Oh, what has he done to us?

♪

♪ Oh!

Mm-hmm. My appointment
is on Wednesday,

but I need to see
my therapist today.

I'd rather not tell you
what happened.

But, um...

it's something
that never happens.

And then the thing
that always happens didn't.

Happen.

Not as sorry as I am.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll hold.

Hey!Hey, bud!

Is everything all right?

Oh, everything's fine.

You don't seem fine.

Well, I-I am.

Totally fine.

Mental Health Services.

Hi. Hey, uh, uh,

yeah, I was looking
to move up my appointment

with Dr. Wayne Patterson.

Oh, no,
I was actually just on hold.

Uh... Dr. Patterson,

isn't that
your therapist?

Al, can you just...
give me some space?

What's the matter?

Nothing.

So you're just calling
Mental Health Services

to see how they're doing?

I don't want to talk about it.

It's embarrassing.Riley,

we don't have
secrets.

We tell each other
everything.

All right. Uh...

On my date with Holly...Mm-hmm.

...for the
first time...

ever...

I wasn't able to perform.

Oh, that is embarrassing.

Yeah.

Well, I have not
been through that,

but, based on TV commercials,

I am the only man in America
who hasn't.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Have you ever thought
about keeping a handful of rice

in your pocket?I have not.

In Afghanistan, a groom will rub
the rice between his fingers

so he is not stressed out
about his wedding night.

I'm sure my therapist will say
the same thing,

but doesn't hurt
to double-check.

Thank you for holding.Yeah.

I'm afraid
Dr. Patterson has had to cancel

all his appointments this week.

What? Why?

He's had a medical event.

So have I!

What's wrong with him?
When will he be back?

I'm afraid I can't say.

All right. Thank you.

Oh, Riley,

have you thought
about swallowing raw eggs?

Is that what Afghans do?

It's what Rocky Balboa does.

I bet he doesn't have
your problem.

There he is!

See you did
some laundry.

Yes. I did the laundry.

Laundry is nice, am I right?

What do you want, Riley?

Hey, um, so, uh...

when you and Lois are...

together...

Yeah.

I mean, like...

together.

I get it.

Right. So...

are you, like,
batting a thousand?

Or does the manager ever have
to come out and be like,

"It's not your night"?

Oh...

You mean...

Yeah.Yeah.

I never needed any help
in that department.

Got a lot of buddies who have.Mm.

It's very common.

Very, very common.

Very...

...very common.

You want to talk about it?

I thought I did.Hey.

There's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

I could make a call
to one of my pals,

see if I can hook you up,

but they'd know it's not for me.

I mean,

come on.

Can we just pretend this
conversation never happened?

I already am.

Very common.

Professor Williams.

Hi. Am I interrupting?

Now you ask?

Not during lecture?

You won't believe this,
but, at the grocery store,

I proved
your theory right.Is that so?

Everything I put
at the end of the aisle,

the customers would buy.
Even the stale bread,

which my manager said
showed real initiative.

Well, that's how it works.
Thanks for stopping by.

See you inclass...

All this time,
I thought

psychology was about studying
the minds of crazy people.

That is where a lot
of the action is.

But it is everywhere.

If you want to buy something,
psychology.

You want to get married,
psychology.

This is starting to seem like
a legitimate field of study.

Tell that to my mother.

Professor.Yeah.

You are such
a fascinating person.

Would you be interested

in coming to my home
for dinner tonight?

I feel like
you and I

can learn a lot from each other.

Uh, I am flattered, Mr. Karimi,

but I wouldn't want
the rest of the class to think

I was showing you
any favoritism.

Oh, I think they all know
I'm your favorite.

Here is my address.

See you at 6:00.

Riley, why aren't
you getting dressed?

My professor
will be here soon.

Zero chance
I'm stepping foot out there.

But it will be an opportunity
to talk about your problem.

I'm not seeking those out.

Well, at least stop lifting
those weights.

It is not your biceps
that need to get bigger.

This wine is fantastic.
Thank you.

Oh, great.
Glad you like it.

Let me guess--
end of the aisle? Huh?

Oh,

it is a psychology joke.

You don't get it.

Professor, the question
I have is this--

when you acquire
the power of psychology,

how do you ensure
you are using it for good?

Well, good itself
is a subjective concept.

And you don't like
having people over.

So... so, Lizzie,

you-you said you do pottery?

Yeah, when I can.

I love it.

I used to throw pots.

At the wall, during my divorce.

I'm kidding.
It was very amicable.

We share a cat.

I-I actually made this.

Stop it.

No, really.

I don't want to say
I'm bowled over, but...

since you're smiling,

I'm glad I did.

Smiling is part of psychology.

All of it is psychology.

Uh, so how do you like teaching
at the community college?

It's nice.

It's a little more personal
than the university.

I get to spend more
time with my students.

Have dinner with them.

Hmm.

Meet lovely people like you.

Well, cheers to that.

Yeah.

So, is your boyfriend
also an artist?

Oh, I don't have
a boyfriend.

Well, cheers to that as well.

Okay, enough cheers.

Professor,
did you bring your circles?

Never mind. I will make some.

Well, that pot roast
was truly delicious,

which means a lot
coming from a very strict vegan.

Well, it's not the first time
my meat made a man switch teams.

Liz,

your hair color is so fun.

It really fits
your personality.

Thank you.
I do like to switch it up.Hmm.

What a cool form
of self-expression.

It is.

Isn't it, Dad?

Hmm.

See what's going on
out there?

Yes.

I can't tell you
how sorry I am

for bringing this
spider into your home.

What are you
talking about?

I trusted him.

And here he is,

weaving a web
around poor Lizzie.

"Ooh, your bowl is
so bowl-shaped."

I like him.

Last guy
she brought home had a chain

from his nose
to his wallet.

If you invite a man into your
home and he eats your food,

he should not make advances
on a woman in your household.

Advances?
They're just talking.

Mr. Art, you are just
trying to spare my feelings.

On a subconscious level,

you are outraged.

I will take care of it.

Promise you will not give
this another thought.

I promise.

There you are.

Aw, geez.

What are you doing here?

I'm checking on you.

How the hell'd you find me?

You're a vet.
You work for the V.A.

It's a V.A. hospital.

Not exactly Waldo.

Y-You shouldn't be here.

Oh, don't mention it.

No, I mean it's not appropriate.

Now you sound
like the nurse.

What happened?

I broke my hip.

There was an icy patch outside
of the Liquor Barn, and...

Don't worry--
I didn't break the bourbon.

Well, figured
you could use a visitor.

I could use the bourbon.

While I'm here, I do have
something on my mind.

Hopefully I'll be back in my
office in a couple of weeks.

So, you remem--
you remember Holly?

You know,
you're lucky I can't move.

We're at her place.
We're hanging out.

It's going well.
Things are starting to happen.

But then...

Uh-oh.

Too soon or not at all?

Second one.

Oh, geez.

Well, neither one's great.

This never happened
to me before.

Mm.So it's not me, right?

Mm.It's her. It's got to be her.

It's not her.

Then who is it?
'Cause it's not me!

Look, a lot of veterans
have this problem.

There's a whole bunch of reasons

which cause...Mr. Patterson,
it's time for your surgery.

Thank God.

Hello, Professor.

Hey, there's
my favorite student.

I so enjoyed dinner last night.

Mm, I bet you did, you spider.

Feel like I'm missing...
something.

You have disrespected me
and the honor of my family.

How? I took my shoes off.

I had meat for the first time
in nine years.

It's clear
you have your eyes on Lizzie.

She talk about me?

I sent her a Facebook request,
but I haven't heard back.

I am on pins and needles.

In my culture,
it is unthinkable

to be invited
into another man's home

and then make advances
on the women in his family.

I am so sorry. I had no idea.

I trusted you.

Do you know how bad
you have made me look?

Oh, geez. I-I will
absolutely stop pursuing her.

I didn't know.
If there's some kind

of Afghan sensitivity training
you'd like me to take, I will.

If not, uh, maybe you and I
could develop one online.

Good. I'm glad
we see eye to eye.

And, you know,

apart from the cultural stuff,

I should have known.

You should have.

Known what?

You're living with a beautiful,
talented woman.

It's natural
that you have feelings for her.

How dare you.

That is ridiculous.

Oh, no. I, uh...

I must have misunderstood
the situation again.

I do not have those feelings.

Maybe not
consciously.

Subconsciously, who knows?

I do.

I know.
Riley is like my brother,

which makes Lizzie
practically like my sister.

We are done here.

And what kind of man
has feelings for his sister?

Not this man!

Look who's back.

Oh, God.

According to the gang
at the nurses' station,

your surgery went great.

Oh, and if they ask,
I'm your son.

That's the only way
they'd let me in.

So, I was thinking
about what you said.

You're wrong.

It's got to be
Holly's fault.

When I press this button,

uh, it gives me more painkiller
and I pass out.

So, I'm gonna give you
90 seconds.

Fine. One, I'm in great shape.

Two, never happened
with Vanessa.

Three, every other woman,
no complaints.

Okay, some complaints,
but it was mostly about me

being "emotionally unavailable."

Okay. Were any of these women
special to you?

No.

No.

Nyet.

That was Natasha.
She was a gymnast.

Okay.

Okay, do you think Holly may be

your first actual relationship
since your wife?

Well, I just started
seeing her.

I don't know if I'd use
big words like "relationship."

But...

I guess.

All right. There you go.

It's different. More pressure.

So, what, because I like her,
that's a problem?

Riley, if I ask you
to make a three-foot putt,

do you think you could do it?Sure.

What if there was
a million dollars on it?

I don't know. Maybe.

See? When there's more on
the line, it's tougher to do.

But I thrive
under pressure.

I've been in combat.

Well, sex ain't combat.

Unless that's her thing.

So how am I supposed
to stop feeling pressure?

Lee Marvin.

I'm sorry. I think
the morphine just kicked in.

Cat Ballou.

Dirty Dozen.

E-Ernie Borgnine!

Hey. Al.Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Of course.

Would you be upset

if I asked your
professor out on a date?

Why would I be upset?

I have no feelings about it
whatsoever.

Really?

None?

None. Why, did he say something?

It's a lie.

No, I-I just don't want
to make things awkward

for you at school.

No, go ahead.

It makes no difference to me.

You sure?Absolutely.

Great. Thanks.

You're taking things out
of the dryer

and putting them
in the washer.

Don't tell me how
to do my laundry.

Hey.

Hey! Where
you been?

Sorry I didn't answer
your texts.

I'm sorry
about the other night.

What are you sorry about?

We had fun.

Yeah, but we didn't
have all the fun.

It happens.

Not to me.

I think it's 'cause,
with other girls,

it was like...

I had my car keys in my hand
the whole time.

I don't remember names,
I don't remember faces...

Boy, I hope this was not
a prepared speech.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what I'm saying.

This... is not a big deal.

It is.

It's like golf.

Even if you're a pro, it's hard
to sink a three-foot putt

with a million
bucks on the line.

So, in this metaphor,

you're the pro?

And you're the million bucks.

I like hanging out with you.

So how 'bout we keep hanging out

and we don't worry
about the rest?

And how long are you
gonna be happy with that?

I don't know.

But I do know the happiest
I've been all week

is when you walked
through that door.

Damn it.

When it works,
you're in for a treat.

I'll get it.You sure?

'Cause I was just
about to get up.

Hello, Mr. Karimi.

Hello, Professor.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.Ah.

Before you say anything,
Lizzie initiated this date.

And I spoke to HR about it
and they said it was okay,

which-- trust me--
they do not always do.

Mm. Oh.

I know. And I'm
perfectly happy for you.

I just want you to know
that you were wrong

when you accused me of
having secret feelings.

Well, not secret--
subconscious feelings.

It is you who has those
feelings for Lizzie, not me.

It's called projection.

That's right.
I read ahead.

Hey.

You ready to go?

Absolutely.

Have so much fun!

Or don't.

I don't care.