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♪ ♪
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(wind hissing)
3
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(indistinct chatter)
4
00:00:20,461 --> 00:00:23,097
Shut up!
It's starting!
5
00:00:23,164 --> 00:00:24,665
The Springfield Atoms
have earned
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00:00:24,732 --> 00:00:25,766
the number‐one pick
in this year's draft,
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after intentionally losing
every game last season.
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Nobody tanks like Springfield‐‐
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City of Intentional Losers.
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(chanting):
Tank! Tank! Tank!
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00:00:37,011 --> 00:00:38,646
‐And with the first pick
‐(crowd booing)
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00:00:38,713 --> 00:00:41,749
of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...
13
00:00:41,816 --> 00:00:43,584
Grayson Mathers.
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(cheering)
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00:00:45,319 --> 00:00:46,654
All right!
16
00:00:46,721 --> 00:00:49,390
HOMER: Yeah! All right!
17
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(whoops)
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00:00:51,525 --> 00:00:54,562
We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world‐‐
19
00:00:54,662 --> 00:00:56,998
that of a football dynasty.
20
00:00:57,098 --> 00:01:01,135
Let's show Philadelphia what
a real victory riot looks like!
21
00:01:01,202 --> 00:01:04,138
(clamoring)
22
00:01:07,308 --> 00:01:08,409
(grunts)
23
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(clamoring continues)
24
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What a needless tragedy.
25
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:15,683
You say our corporate revenue
is down?
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Well, the losses are
all coming from one division‐‐
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00:01:18,452 --> 00:01:19,654
your liquor company.
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Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy
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00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:23,991
have reached zero and
are only projected to go down.
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Impossible.
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Mr. Gentleman is sipped
by every trustee
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00:01:26,928 --> 00:01:29,063
of the Narragansett
Whale Oil Concern.
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00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:31,599
Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.
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00:01:31,732 --> 00:01:33,067
It's encouraging consuming
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00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:35,236
as little of the liquor
as possible.
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00:01:36,837 --> 00:01:39,507
Ah. That'll hold me
for quite a while.
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00:01:39,607 --> 00:01:40,942
So, I brought
in a branding expert
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00:01:41,008 --> 00:01:43,177
to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.
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These days,
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00:01:44,412 --> 00:01:46,581
which in the branding business
is called "the present,"
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the only liquor brands
people care about
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00:01:48,749 --> 00:01:50,818
are endorsed by big celebrities.
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People think,
"If I buy this tequila,
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00:01:52,954 --> 00:01:55,056
then I'm as fun
as George Clooney."
45
00:01:55,122 --> 00:01:57,592
Or, "I need to be more smug
and unbearable.
46
00:01:57,692 --> 00:01:59,994
(gasps) Hey,
Ryan Reynolds has a gin."
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So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.
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00:02:03,464 --> 00:02:04,699
But who?
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00:02:04,799 --> 00:02:06,434
What about Harrison Ford?
50
00:02:06,534 --> 00:02:08,436
‐Too Hollywood.
‐Dolly Parton?
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00:02:08,536 --> 00:02:09,470
Too Dollywood.
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00:02:09,570 --> 00:02:10,471
With that, we end the list
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00:02:10,571 --> 00:02:12,807
of every celebrity
who does not already have
54
00:02:12,873 --> 00:02:14,275
an existing liquor company.
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00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:17,578
So what we need
is a brand‐new celebrity,
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00:02:17,678 --> 00:02:19,680
one adored by the common man.
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00:02:19,747 --> 00:02:21,682
CROWD:
(chanting): Grayson Mathers!
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00:02:21,749 --> 00:02:25,119
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
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‐(snaps fingers)
‐REPORTER: Grayson!
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00:02:26,721 --> 00:02:27,855
Grayson, some have dubbed you
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00:02:27,955 --> 00:02:30,091
"The Savior of Springfield
Football".
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00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:32,493
Isn't that a lot of pressure
for a rookie?
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I do me.
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00:02:33,828 --> 00:02:36,330
If you don't like it,
that's on you.
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00:02:36,397 --> 00:02:37,298
Mm‐hmm.
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00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,000
REPORTER 2:
Grayson, some people are put off
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00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:40,501
by your tell‐it‐like‐it‐is
attitude.
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What do you say to them?
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00:02:41,736 --> 00:02:42,837
I'm an open book,
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00:02:42,970 --> 00:02:44,639
but the media and haters
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00:02:44,705 --> 00:02:46,641
and people who have
never played the game,
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00:02:46,707 --> 00:02:49,544
I carry myself
with a certain confidence,
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00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:51,979
and I don't apologize
for your perception
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00:02:52,046 --> 00:02:55,182
of statements I did not make,
but stand by.
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Truth bomb.
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00:02:57,285 --> 00:02:58,886
I sleep at night.
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00:02:58,953 --> 00:03:00,521
REPORTER 2:
What did you just say?
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00:03:00,588 --> 00:03:02,290
I do me.
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00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,491
(reporters clamoring)
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00:03:03,591 --> 00:03:06,260
Man, that dude
keeps it so real.
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00:03:06,327 --> 00:03:07,628
He's all, "This is me.
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00:03:07,728 --> 00:03:09,697
I don't apologize.
What up, haters?"
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00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:11,832
He does him.
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00:03:11,933 --> 00:03:14,702
I wish I was
half as myself as he is.
85
00:03:15,503 --> 00:03:18,573
They adore this pigskin‐tossing
football thrower.
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00:03:18,606 --> 00:03:20,308
He's brash, outspoken,
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00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:22,210
willfully uninformed.
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00:03:22,310 --> 00:03:23,678
He has no filter.
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00:03:23,744 --> 00:03:26,480
In our sanitized,
clickbait‐ready,
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media‐driven world,
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what people crave
is authenticity.
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00:03:30,117 --> 00:03:32,820
If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.
93
00:03:32,887 --> 00:03:33,788
Now you believe me.
94
00:03:33,854 --> 00:03:36,390
Why didn't you mention
any of this before?
95
00:03:36,490 --> 00:03:39,360
I don't know.
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00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:42,830
This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.
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00:03:42,897 --> 00:03:44,632
Smithers, hire him at once.
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00:03:44,699 --> 00:03:47,068
And get rid of this.
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00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:50,538
But my metrics!
100
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(thud)
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00:03:56,210 --> 00:03:59,046
GRAYSON:
I got no problem being me.
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Opinions exist.
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Think about it.
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00:04:02,016 --> 00:04:04,819
Do you seriously doubt
I know what I'm like?
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00:04:04,886 --> 00:04:06,654
And when it comes to brandy,
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00:04:06,721 --> 00:04:08,289
go ahead and sip.
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00:04:08,356 --> 00:04:09,290
Me?
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00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:11,025
I'll chug.
109
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I do me.
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00:04:13,527 --> 00:04:15,162
You do you...
111
00:04:15,229 --> 00:04:16,898
my way.
112
00:04:17,932 --> 00:04:19,433
Congratulations, my boy.
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00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:23,104
You are the face of America's
most marked‐up trash liquor.
114
00:04:23,204 --> 00:04:25,373
There's one thing
that's unique about me‐‐
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I've always admired rich people.
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00:04:27,708 --> 00:04:30,444
And now I'm getting paid by one.
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That's on you.
118
00:04:31,779 --> 00:04:33,981
Aw, come on, Burnsy.
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Bring it in.
120
00:04:35,783 --> 00:04:38,085
Yeah. I got you, bro.
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♪ ♪
122
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So this is what it feels like
to be brought in.
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Cheers!
124
00:04:50,197 --> 00:04:52,867
To the money
that comes from business.
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00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:55,736
To friendship hugs.
126
00:04:55,836 --> 00:04:57,605
(sighs)
Well,
127
00:04:57,705 --> 00:04:58,839
first game
of the season tomorrow,
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00:04:58,906 --> 00:05:00,041
so I'd better hit the Hay.
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00:05:00,107 --> 00:05:01,742
That's the name of the club
I'm going to.
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00:05:01,842 --> 00:05:02,944
Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.
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00:05:03,044 --> 00:05:05,146
That's where the after‐party is.
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There he is, kids.
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00:05:11,819 --> 00:05:14,188
The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,
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00:05:14,255 --> 00:05:16,290
own several
local car dealerships
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00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:19,493
and host a middling
Saturday Night Live.
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00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,196
MARGE:
Oh, look at that baby face.
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00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:24,966
I hope
there's no tackling today.
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00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:29,003
BART:
Babyface looks a little hungover, Mom.
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00:05:29,103 --> 00:05:30,871
LISA:
Geez. He's kind of got
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00:05:30,972 --> 00:05:34,508
that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.
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00:05:34,575 --> 00:05:36,377
The icy stare of a born winner?
142
00:05:36,444 --> 00:05:38,679
Yes. That one.
143
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,850
And so begins a new era
in Atoms football.
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The golden child's mighty arm
145
00:05:44,919 --> 00:05:48,456
shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.
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00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,524
Hut, hut! Hike!
147
00:05:50,591 --> 00:05:51,759
(grunts)
148
00:05:51,826 --> 00:05:53,527
(grunting, panting)
149
00:05:53,594 --> 00:05:55,630
(groaning)
150
00:05:55,696 --> 00:05:57,331
Oh, God.
151
00:05:57,431 --> 00:05:58,633
(booing)
152
00:05:58,699 --> 00:06:01,135
‐Get off the field!
‐Boo! ‐You suck!
153
00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:03,704
Oh, my God.
154
00:06:03,838 --> 00:06:07,341
The 22‐year‐old
I bet all my happiness on
155
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,777
is nothing but a bust!
156
00:06:09,844 --> 00:06:11,879
Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!
157
00:06:11,946 --> 00:06:13,981
But you were just
cheering for him.
158
00:06:14,048 --> 00:06:15,683
You've been talking
about how great he is
159
00:06:15,783 --> 00:06:17,184
every day for months.
160
00:06:17,251 --> 00:06:18,853
But he's sucking.
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00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,388
It's the second‐best thing
he could do
162
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next to playing great.
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00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:22,990
(booing)
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00:06:23,057 --> 00:06:25,560
How dare they jeer that boy?
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00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:27,728
He's like the arrogant,
out‐of‐control son
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00:06:27,795 --> 00:06:30,298
I never sent to boarding school
and forgot about.
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00:06:30,364 --> 00:06:33,668
ANNOUNCER:
And Grayson Mathers has just been benched.
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And here comes the Haterade.
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Aah!
170
00:06:38,539 --> 00:06:40,341
(booing)
171
00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:42,476
Boo an angel, why don't you?
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00:06:42,543 --> 00:06:45,246
Thunder‐stick him!
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00:06:45,313 --> 00:06:46,414
(grunting)
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00:06:48,015 --> 00:06:49,150
(booing)
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00:06:54,021 --> 00:06:56,958
There are far worse things
to be buried under.
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Launch the souvenir
loaded nachos!
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00:07:09,003 --> 00:07:11,973
Ah. Nothing like
a nice body‐temperature bath.
178
00:07:12,073 --> 00:07:13,741
I've never been booed before.
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00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,776
Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans
180
00:07:15,843 --> 00:07:17,445
by dancing on their coach.
181
00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:20,381
Am I, like, a loser now?
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00:07:20,448 --> 00:07:22,250
If I am a loser,
183
00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:24,252
then maybe I shouldn't be...
184
00:07:24,352 --> 00:07:25,486
doing me.
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00:07:25,586 --> 00:07:26,487
Pish posh.
186
00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:28,322
Doing you is what you do best.
187
00:07:28,389 --> 00:07:29,557
And I'll prove it,
188
00:07:29,624 --> 00:07:32,226
by putting you
in front of an adoring crowd.
189
00:07:33,895 --> 00:07:35,596
Captain Underpants here!
190
00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:36,797
Wimpy Kid!
191
00:07:36,898 --> 00:07:38,499
I got Narnia!
192
00:07:38,633 --> 00:07:40,534
Goosebumps here!
193
00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:44,305
Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work
194
00:07:44,372 --> 00:07:45,806
and being six‐foot‐four.
195
00:07:45,873 --> 00:07:47,642
Please welcome Grayson Mathers.
196
00:07:47,742 --> 00:07:49,911
(cheering)
197
00:07:51,178 --> 00:07:53,481
Your principal
brought me here to tell you
198
00:07:53,581 --> 00:07:55,283
that school is important.
199
00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:56,918
But I got to keep it real.
200
00:07:57,018 --> 00:08:00,087
This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,
201
00:08:00,154 --> 00:08:03,491
and I own
three identical Ferraris!
202
00:08:03,591 --> 00:08:05,326
That's wassup!
203
00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:07,395
(cheering)
204
00:08:08,629 --> 00:08:10,064
I have a question.
205
00:08:10,131 --> 00:08:11,332
You suck!
206
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,669
You're garbage
outside the pocket!
207
00:08:14,769 --> 00:08:16,904
Your average depth of target
is a joke.
208
00:08:16,971 --> 00:08:18,439
(chanting): Bust! Bust! Bust!
209
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,209
The children are destroying him
with their hot takes!
210
00:08:21,309 --> 00:08:23,344
Bust! Bust! Bust!
211
00:08:23,477 --> 00:08:24,712
Shut up, you stupid kids!
212
00:08:24,779 --> 00:08:26,881
I'm a man! A football man!
213
00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:28,716
All I throw is dimes!
214
00:08:28,816 --> 00:08:29,951
Here's a dime for you!
215
00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:31,852
‐A dime for you!
‐(kids exclaiming)
216
00:08:31,919 --> 00:08:33,187
Nothin' but dimes!
217
00:08:33,287 --> 00:08:34,355
Boom! Dime!
218
00:08:35,356 --> 00:08:36,591
Boom! Dime!
219
00:08:36,657 --> 00:08:38,125
‐Oh!
‐(hissing)
220
00:08:38,192 --> 00:08:41,462
The Madagascar
hissing cockroaches are loose!
221
00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:43,364
(kids screaming)
222
00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:46,133
♪ ♪
223
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,535
(groans)
224
00:08:47,602 --> 00:08:49,370
All I drink is brandy!
225
00:08:49,470 --> 00:08:53,040
My urethra is on fire!
226
00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:54,809
(groans)
227
00:08:55,610 --> 00:08:58,145
I heard what you said
about your urethra.
228
00:08:58,212 --> 00:08:59,881
Are you feeling okay?
229
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,582
I'm fine. Beat it, media.
230
00:09:01,649 --> 00:09:02,917
You listen here, young man.
231
00:09:02,984 --> 00:09:05,052
Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior
232
00:09:05,119 --> 00:09:07,021
is no reason to lash out at me.
233
00:09:07,154 --> 00:09:09,757
I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,
234
00:09:09,857 --> 00:09:11,525
and even I've about had it.
235
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:13,394
Now apologize.
236
00:09:13,494 --> 00:09:14,528
I'm sorry.
237
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:16,397
Um... ma'am.
238
00:09:16,497 --> 00:09:19,033
Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.
239
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,268
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
240
00:09:20,301 --> 00:09:22,403
I can't stop partying.
I barely sleep.
241
00:09:22,503 --> 00:09:24,438
I called Peyton Manning
a chicken‐fried Frankenstein
242
00:09:24,505 --> 00:09:25,473
on Twitter.
243
00:09:25,539 --> 00:09:27,375
I‐I'm doing me more than ever.
244
00:09:27,475 --> 00:09:29,110
So why don't I play good?
245
00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:30,144
Oh, sweetie.
246
00:09:30,244 --> 00:09:33,314
It sounds like you just need
to slow down.
247
00:09:33,381 --> 00:09:34,849
(sighs)
248
00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:37,618
I actually have
six identical Ferraris.
249
00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:40,354
I want to own
all the blue ones.
250
00:09:40,488 --> 00:09:42,290
(crying)
251
00:09:43,057 --> 00:09:44,692
I know what's wrong with you.
252
00:09:44,759 --> 00:09:46,694
Not enough Ferraris.
253
00:09:46,761 --> 00:09:49,430
What this boy needs
is a home‐cooked meal
254
00:09:49,497 --> 00:09:51,432
and a good night's sleep.
255
00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:52,733
At my house.
256
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:55,570
A partnership
betwixt a man and a woman
257
00:09:55,603 --> 00:09:58,039
to provide for the care
of a young person.
258
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,207
You supply
the nurturing home life,
259
00:10:00,274 --> 00:10:02,109
and I'll be
the emotionally‐withholding
260
00:10:02,176 --> 00:10:04,278
yet somehow worshipped
father figure.
261
00:10:04,345 --> 00:10:06,347
It's a deal.
262
00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:08,349
You're coming home with me.
263
00:10:08,449 --> 00:10:09,483
I really want to,
264
00:10:09,584 --> 00:10:10,651
but I'm kind of supposed
to get into it
265
00:10:10,718 --> 00:10:13,221
with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.
266
00:10:13,287 --> 00:10:16,157
I'll call them
and tell them you're sick.
267
00:10:18,426 --> 00:10:20,728
Yo. Two parents and some kids?
268
00:10:20,795 --> 00:10:23,030
This is a straight‐up family.
269
00:10:23,064 --> 00:10:24,232
For real.
270
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,200
I guess we are.
271
00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,637
So, Grayson, you just graduated
from college, right?
272
00:10:29,704 --> 00:10:31,372
What did you major in?
273
00:10:31,439 --> 00:10:32,740
Oh, they never told me.
274
00:10:32,807 --> 00:10:35,610
(sighs)
That means communications.
275
00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:38,246
You see, I grew up
on the Florida‐Texas border,
276
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,081
where football is king.
277
00:10:40,147 --> 00:10:42,917
One day, I saw this other baby
crawling a post pattern,
278
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,585
and I hit him with my pacifier.
279
00:10:44,652 --> 00:10:46,954
Perfect spiral. 20 yards.
280
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,257
My folks did what
any loving parents would do‐‐
281
00:10:49,323 --> 00:10:51,525
they packed me off
to football academy.
282
00:10:51,592 --> 00:10:53,027
I'm real grateful.
283
00:10:53,094 --> 00:10:55,363
If you keep a kid at home
till he's two,
284
00:10:55,463 --> 00:10:57,198
it can screw up his development.
285
00:10:57,999 --> 00:10:59,700
Growing up in an
all‐football environment
286
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:03,037
helped me avoid the distractions
that come with being a kid‐‐
287
00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:05,673
friends, laughing, that junk.
288
00:11:05,773 --> 00:11:08,709
For college, Alabama Tech
was an easy choice.
289
00:11:08,743 --> 00:11:10,678
Coach is an amazing recruiter.
290
00:11:10,745 --> 00:11:12,613
You really feel his passion.
291
00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:15,750
Wait, so you never
see your parents?
292
00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:17,618
Oh, I see them all the time!
293
00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:18,619
I see them at games,
294
00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:20,154
in documentaries about me,
295
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:21,455
in the Campbell's Soup
commercial
296
00:11:21,489 --> 00:11:23,658
my mom did without my knowledge.
297
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:25,159
Oh, Grayson,
298
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,161
growing up with nothing
but football
299
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,896
can't have been healthy.
300
00:11:28,963 --> 00:11:31,132
(chuckles)
No, no, I'm good.
301
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,934
Gimme that back!
302
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:34,669
Starters eat before scrubs!
303
00:11:34,769 --> 00:11:36,537
Everybody knows that!
304
00:11:36,637 --> 00:11:39,340
(grunting)
305
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:40,308
(yells)
306
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:42,009
(panting)
307
00:11:43,377 --> 00:11:46,647
You know, I'm beginning to see
the appeal of football.
308
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:48,616
(chuckles)
Hit him again!
309
00:11:48,716 --> 00:11:50,318
Kids, behave!
310
00:11:52,486 --> 00:11:55,389
In a family,
we do not steal food.
311
00:11:55,489 --> 00:11:56,691
‐But...
‐No buts.
312
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,326
Just because there aren't
coaches and minders
313
00:11:58,392 --> 00:12:01,896
watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.
314
00:12:01,996 --> 00:12:05,099
In a family, you don't do you.
315
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:06,200
You do...
316
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:07,235
others?
317
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:08,703
And don't you forget it.
318
00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:11,105
Now, boys, clear the table.
319
00:12:12,306 --> 00:12:14,208
Bust. Bust. Bust.
320
00:12:15,009 --> 00:12:17,211
You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?
321
00:12:17,311 --> 00:12:19,347
Maggie loves company.
322
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,048
Um, Mrs. Marge,
323
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,683
do‐do you think
it'd be all right
324
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:24,352
if I stayed here for a while?
325
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:27,255
I've never been around
a real family before.
326
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,490
Of course you can.
327
00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:30,992
You sure? I'm a lot of work.
328
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,427
I need 9,000 calories a day
or I'll die.
329
00:12:33,494 --> 00:12:36,197
So does my husband, silly.
330
00:12:44,939 --> 00:12:47,008
♪ ♪
331
00:13:09,196 --> 00:13:10,197
Wow!
332
00:13:10,298 --> 00:13:12,600
I've never seen such
a tiny megachurch.
333
00:13:12,633 --> 00:13:15,536
It's a normal‐sized
regular church, Grayson.
334
00:13:16,304 --> 00:13:19,674
Hey, here's a little fuel
for your private jet, Reverend.
335
00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:24,345
When did the faces
on the paper money get so big?
336
00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:27,615
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
337
00:13:27,748 --> 00:13:28,783
(chuckles)
Wow.
338
00:13:28,883 --> 00:13:30,585
My first birthday party.
339
00:13:30,718 --> 00:13:32,653
I made you a card.
340
00:13:32,753 --> 00:13:35,756
HOMER:
We're all playing catch.
341
00:13:35,823 --> 00:13:37,325
You've all given me so much.
342
00:13:37,425 --> 00:13:38,726
I have a family now.
343
00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:41,162
A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish
344
00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:42,196
to be a success.
345
00:13:42,296 --> 00:13:43,064
Huddle up, team.
346
00:13:43,130 --> 00:13:44,832
Feelings on three!
One, two, three!
347
00:13:44,899 --> 00:13:45,900
ALL:
Feelings!
348
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,768
(singsongy):
Who wants presents?
349
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,270
‐I do! I do!
‐GRAYSON: Ooh, ooh, I do!
350
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,504
‐I do! I do!
‐Merch!
351
00:13:50,605 --> 00:13:52,506
(chuckles)
Try this on, big fella.
352
00:13:52,573 --> 00:13:54,375
(slurping)
353
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:56,210
Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!
354
00:13:56,277 --> 00:13:57,778
I'm so glad you came!
355
00:13:57,845 --> 00:13:59,947
Now it's a party, huh, guys?
356
00:14:00,014 --> 00:14:01,649
Oh, I would never miss
the birthday
357
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:03,651
of football's brashest bad boy.
358
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:04,952
Now let's head out.
359
00:14:05,019 --> 00:14:07,889
You and I are having
a night on the town.
360
00:14:07,989 --> 00:14:10,725
It's time to party
with Brandyman!
361
00:14:10,791 --> 00:14:14,061
Or Do‐You‐Man? I'm...
Can we decide on a catchphrase?
362
00:14:14,128 --> 00:14:16,163
Catchphrase TBD!
363
00:14:16,197 --> 00:14:17,431
Are you nuts?
364
00:14:17,498 --> 00:14:18,966
You do realize that Grayson has
365
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:21,936
a career‐defining
football game tomorrow.
366
00:14:22,003 --> 00:14:25,139
He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.
367
00:14:25,273 --> 00:14:28,509
You can try out
the Silly Soap I bought. Huh?
368
00:14:28,609 --> 00:14:29,710
All right!
369
00:14:29,777 --> 00:14:31,512
This man plays a game
for a living
370
00:14:31,612 --> 00:14:33,881
and you infantilize him?
371
00:14:34,015 --> 00:14:38,152
Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.
372
00:14:38,219 --> 00:14:40,154
Mark my words.
373
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,958
‐ANNOUNCER: Mathers with
his fourth touchdown of the day! ‐(cheering)
374
00:14:44,025 --> 00:14:46,193
And in a never‐before‐seen move,
375
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,763
the opposing defense
is resigning en masse
376
00:14:48,829 --> 00:14:51,432
to try their luck
in the Canadian Football League.
377
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:52,900
Good luck, fellas.
378
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,771
There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!
379
00:14:56,871 --> 00:14:58,773
A 53‐point win.
380
00:14:58,839 --> 00:15:01,075
Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.
381
00:15:01,142 --> 00:15:03,077
Just lucky
to have great teammates,
382
00:15:03,177 --> 00:15:04,412
what a game plan,
383
00:15:04,478 --> 00:15:07,048
keep my head down and work.
384
00:15:07,148 --> 00:15:11,319
But also the greats who paved
the way in this league.
385
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,589
Where's my bad boy?
386
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:16,857
Come on, son. Be a sore winner.
387
00:15:16,924 --> 00:15:18,593
Make Daddy proud.
388
00:15:18,693 --> 00:15:20,828
Maybe you could call
the other team soft?
389
00:15:20,928 --> 00:15:23,264
I mean, it's just us reporters
here. No one will know.
390
00:15:23,364 --> 00:15:25,733
No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy
391
00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:27,768
who makes a mother proud.
392
00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:29,537
Are you saying...
393
00:15:29,604 --> 00:15:31,138
you're a mama's boy?
394
00:15:31,239 --> 00:15:34,108
I'm the biggest mama's boy
on the planet!
395
00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:37,612
Mmm. Tastes good.
396
00:15:37,712 --> 00:15:40,281
Marge Simpson,
what have you done?
397
00:15:46,854 --> 00:15:48,856
You've ruined
our beautiful, arrogant boy!
398
00:15:48,956 --> 00:15:51,592
Ruined? He's happy now.
399
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,427
What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?
400
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:56,430
Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.
401
00:15:56,497 --> 00:16:00,001
What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?
402
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,936
Don't listen to him, Grayson.
403
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:05,706
I'm so sorry
I ruined your spokesperson.
404
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,575
He's not just my spokesperson.
405
00:16:07,642 --> 00:16:08,976
He's my spokes‐son.
406
00:16:09,043 --> 00:16:11,078
And you stole him from me.
407
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,814
You're so merged
with your own selfishness,
408
00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:17,285
you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.
409
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,452
You're a monster!
410
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,021
And you're winning!
411
00:16:20,087 --> 00:16:21,422
(grunts)
412
00:16:21,556 --> 00:16:23,658
You've got to choose, my boy.
413
00:16:23,724 --> 00:16:25,326
Me or her.
414
00:16:25,393 --> 00:16:28,529
Can't you see
you're tearing me apart?! (sobs)
415
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:30,765
I need to grind tape
of blitz protections
416
00:16:30,831 --> 00:16:33,401
against an eight‐man box!
417
00:16:33,467 --> 00:16:36,404
(crying)
418
00:16:48,115 --> 00:16:51,752
(sighs) I haven't heard
from Grayson in days.
419
00:16:51,852 --> 00:16:55,256
Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.
420
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,058
The football world
hangs in the balance,
421
00:16:57,124 --> 00:16:58,893
waiting for
this rookie phenom quarterback
422
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,195
to choose
between his surrogate parents.
423
00:17:01,295 --> 00:17:05,266
My sources tell me that Mathers
hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns
424
00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:07,902
and that Marge has just
this second finished folding
425
00:17:07,969 --> 00:17:10,638
the sheets Grayson
may never sleep on again.
426
00:17:10,705 --> 00:17:12,473
What sources?
427
00:17:14,508 --> 00:17:18,512
What if I never see my special
big football boy again?
428
00:17:18,546 --> 00:17:22,450
Mom, a fancy invitation
came for you.
429
00:17:22,550 --> 00:17:24,151
(gasps)
Grayson sent me a ticket
430
00:17:24,218 --> 00:17:27,421
for the Sports Channel's
annual awards show.
431
00:17:27,488 --> 00:17:29,557
You're going
to the Sportswardsies?
432
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,759
That's the one night
when pro athletes
433
00:17:31,859 --> 00:17:33,995
finally get to thank
their agents.
434
00:17:34,061 --> 00:17:36,697
And Grayson picked me
as his plus‐one,
435
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,332
not Mr. Burns.
436
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,600
You won!
437
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,602
Motherhood won!
438
00:17:41,702 --> 00:17:43,638
Yippee!
439
00:17:43,738 --> 00:17:44,972
‐(wheezes)
‐(gasps)
440
00:17:45,072 --> 00:17:47,041
LISA (wheezing):
All good, all good.
441
00:17:47,141 --> 00:17:49,744
♪ ♪
442
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,416
‐You!
‐You!
443
00:17:55,516 --> 00:17:58,719
Wait, I'm supposed
to be sitting next to Grayson.
444
00:17:58,819 --> 00:18:01,722
So am I. (scoffs)
I know what's happening here.
445
00:18:01,822 --> 00:18:04,025
Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking
446
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,561
we would reach
some sort of rapprochement.
447
00:18:06,661 --> 00:18:08,629
He Parent Trapped us!
448
00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:09,830
Too bad for him‐‐
449
00:18:09,897 --> 00:18:12,066
we're never gonna
see eye to eye.
450
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,167
Amen, sister.
451
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:16,804
A toast
to never‐ending animosity.
452
00:18:17,605 --> 00:18:19,273
I'll drink to that.
453
00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:21,108
Enemies forever.
454
00:18:21,175 --> 00:18:23,044
Mm. Ah.
455
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,580
The Sportswardsies are starting.
456
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,715
Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?
457
00:18:27,782 --> 00:18:30,017
Look at these categories.
458
00:18:30,117 --> 00:18:31,219
Worst Contract?
459
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:32,453
Best World Series?
460
00:18:32,553 --> 00:18:34,455
The Donald Sterling
Appalling Owner
461
00:18:34,555 --> 00:18:36,624
Lifetime Achievement Award?
462
00:18:36,691 --> 00:18:38,826
James Dolan,
James Dolan, James Dolan.
463
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,929
For me, it's all about
Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs‐Up.
464
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,298
Most of all,
I'd like to thank Gordo,
465
00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:46,901
who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.
466
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:49,437
Gordo, this is for you, buddy.
467
00:18:50,371 --> 00:18:53,007
ANNOUNCER:
When we come back, the Sportswardsy
468
00:18:53,074 --> 00:18:55,209
for Most Inspiring Athlete.
469
00:18:55,276 --> 00:18:57,712
MARGE:
Oh, he's looking at the wrong camera.
470
00:18:57,778 --> 00:18:59,914
He's such a cutie.
471
00:18:59,981 --> 00:19:03,317
How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,
472
00:19:03,451 --> 00:19:05,453
make this perfect creature?
473
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:07,255
(sighs)
I'm a terrible father.
474
00:19:07,321 --> 00:19:10,524
I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.
475
00:19:10,591 --> 00:19:13,661
Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.
476
00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:15,129
Together.
477
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:19,066
The winner
for Most Inspiring Athlete is...
478
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,501
Grayson Mathers.
479
00:19:20,568 --> 00:19:21,969
‐♪ ♪
‐(cheering, applause)
480
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,673
You all know I've had
some personal struggles lately.
481
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:28,943
I was losing
the football game of emotions.
482
00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:31,712
But there's one person
who got me through it.
483
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:33,214
He's talking about you.
484
00:19:33,281 --> 00:19:34,549
You're the nurturer.
485
00:19:34,682 --> 00:19:36,684
But you're his inspiration.
486
00:19:36,751 --> 00:19:38,452
It's got to be you.
487
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:40,421
(groans)
488
00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:41,689
And that person is...
489
00:19:41,756 --> 00:19:45,393
‐my fiancée Kaitlyn!
‐(all gasp)
490
00:19:45,493 --> 00:19:48,029
The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.
491
00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:50,731
An Instagram model,
a YouTube reactor
492
00:19:50,831 --> 00:19:52,800
and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,
493
00:19:52,867 --> 00:19:55,169
the faith‐based yogurt
you eat while yoga‐ing.
494
00:19:55,269 --> 00:19:58,039
Kaitlyn is so much more
than a business manager to me.
495
00:19:58,139 --> 00:20:00,741
Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!
496
00:20:00,841 --> 00:20:03,578
Hope you can handle
total financial control, baby!
497
00:20:03,678 --> 00:20:04,879
Good news, babe!
498
00:20:04,979 --> 00:20:06,480
You're fighting Floyd Mayweather
499
00:20:06,547 --> 00:20:08,549
on a Valentine's Day
pay‐per‐view!
500
00:20:08,616 --> 00:20:09,917
(whoops)
501
00:20:09,984 --> 00:20:11,719
She's getting me out
of the brandy business,
502
00:20:11,786 --> 00:20:13,788
into something
more wholesome, y'all:
503
00:20:13,854 --> 00:20:17,124
our new line
of all‐ages hard seltzers.
504
00:20:17,158 --> 00:20:18,960
@Katilicious _97,
505
00:20:19,026 --> 00:20:20,728
I can't wait to marry you.
506
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,230
Tell me there's a prenup.
507
00:20:22,296 --> 00:20:23,264
No prenup!
508
00:20:23,331 --> 00:20:24,899
That's how I roll!
509
00:20:24,966 --> 00:20:27,034
Who wants some seltzers?
510
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,035
Dime for you!
511
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:30,705
And just like that,
we've been replaced.
512
00:20:30,805 --> 00:20:33,541
One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures
513
00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:35,643
who are totally reliant on you.
514
00:20:35,710 --> 00:20:38,145
Then, suddenly,
it's two weeks later
515
00:20:38,212 --> 00:20:40,314
and they're gone.
516
00:20:52,393 --> 00:20:54,962
ANNOUNCER:
When we return, find out who takes home the Sportswardsy
517
00:20:54,996 --> 00:20:56,631
for Best
Press Conference Meltdown
518
00:20:56,697 --> 00:20:57,865
and Most Valuable MVP.
519
00:20:57,932 --> 00:20:59,901
Plus, Cirque du Soleil
will reimagine
520
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:01,936
this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.
521
00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:04,205
Later, it's
Least Racist Team Name
522
00:21:04,272 --> 00:21:06,340
and Coldest Bud Light,
523
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:07,542
brought to you by Bud Light.
524
00:21:07,608 --> 00:21:09,810
And don't miss Kenny Chesney
and his musical tribute
525
00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:13,180
to the 100 all‐time
worst‐run vanity charities.
526
00:21:13,281 --> 00:21:15,816
Then, find out which
baseball player will take home
527
00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:17,752
Highest Batting Average.
528
00:21:17,852 --> 00:21:19,820
And five living legends
battle it out
529
00:21:19,921 --> 00:21:22,123
for the Most Tone‐Deaf
Hall of Fame Speech.
530
00:21:22,223 --> 00:21:23,224
And lots more.
531
00:21:23,291 --> 00:21:26,827
All that when
the Sportswardsies continue.
532
00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:29,830
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
533
00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:32,833
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
534
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:35,636
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
535
00:21:35,703 --> 00:21:39,106
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
536
00:22:07,101 --> 00:22:09,237
Shh!
537
00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:13,837
Repair and Synchronization by
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