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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,757 --> 00:00:29,760 Oh, I gotta stop. I gotta stop this story. 2 00:00:29,793 --> 00:00:32,630 I gotta stop the story. Stop story. 3 00:00:32,663 --> 00:00:35,733 Oh, come on. Load, why are you taking so long. 4 00:00:35,766 --> 00:00:37,701 Why are you so slow. 5 00:00:37,735 --> 00:00:40,370 Oh, I need to stop the story. 6 00:00:40,403 --> 00:00:42,171 No updates now! 7 00:00:43,574 --> 00:00:46,510 Oh, come on. I gotta stop it. 8 00:00:46,544 --> 00:00:48,712 He's coming. He's coming up the stairs. 9 00:00:48,746 --> 00:00:51,649 He's coming up the stairs, I have to stop it now! 10 00:00:51,682 --> 00:00:55,251 Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop. 11 00:00:55,285 --> 00:00:57,287 Go away! Call 911. 12 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:00,791 Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No! 13 00:01:00,824 --> 00:01:02,091 Oh no! 14 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,562 No, no, no! 15 00:02:33,383 --> 00:02:35,519 - Jasmin? - Yes? 16 00:02:35,552 --> 00:02:38,656 Alexandria. Do you have a quick second to talk? 17 00:02:38,689 --> 00:02:40,432 I don't feel like talking to the press right now. 18 00:02:40,456 --> 00:02:42,191 I'm not the press. 19 00:02:42,225 --> 00:02:43,570 I actually work with your father really closely 20 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:44,795 at Destiny Publishing. 21 00:02:44,828 --> 00:02:46,462 - Okay. - Did he mention 22 00:02:46,497 --> 00:02:47,841 any short stories that we was working on? 23 00:02:47,865 --> 00:02:49,700 It could be his best work yet. 24 00:02:49,733 --> 00:02:51,535 I have to go right now, may I? 25 00:02:51,568 --> 00:02:53,504 This actually might be worth a lot of money, 26 00:02:53,537 --> 00:02:55,906 seems like you might need it. It could help you out a lot. 27 00:02:55,939 --> 00:02:57,473 - Excuse me? You got... - The expenses 28 00:02:57,508 --> 00:02:58,642 on the house, taxes... 29 00:02:58,676 --> 00:03:00,309 You've got some nerve. 30 00:03:00,343 --> 00:03:02,780 - May I? - It could help you out a lot. 31 00:03:02,813 --> 00:03:04,924 - How long are you in town for? - A couple of days, a week, 32 00:03:04,948 --> 00:03:06,850 - what does it matter? - Here's my card. 33 00:03:06,884 --> 00:03:09,887 If you happen to find anything, just give me a call. 34 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,354 Whatever. 35 00:04:39,342 --> 00:04:40,487 Jasmin, where did you get this? 36 00:04:40,511 --> 00:04:41,678 In your room, Daddy! 37 00:04:41,712 --> 00:04:42,952 Why did you bring it down here? 38 00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,848 To play with them. 39 00:04:44,882 --> 00:04:47,316 But it's not a toy, it's a very expensive collectible. 40 00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:48,819 It's worth a lot of money. 41 00:04:48,852 --> 00:04:50,921 Do not play with this again. Ever. 42 00:04:50,954 --> 00:04:53,456 Jasmin, I'm busy right now, I'm writing. 43 00:04:53,489 --> 00:04:55,025 I'm writing. Just put it over there, 44 00:04:55,058 --> 00:04:57,094 I'll look at it later, okay? 45 00:04:57,127 --> 00:04:58,896 Jasmin, what are you doing here? 46 00:04:58,929 --> 00:05:00,697 Pap�, �por qu� no me quiere? 47 00:05:00,731 --> 00:05:02,499 Speak English, Jasmin! 48 00:05:02,533 --> 00:05:04,668 We don't speak Spanish anymore in this house. 49 00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:07,571 I lost my accent, you can lose your accent. 50 00:05:07,604 --> 00:05:09,006 Listen, practice this, 51 00:05:09,039 --> 00:05:12,543 "She sells seashells by the sea shore." 52 00:05:12,576 --> 00:05:13,710 Can you do that? 53 00:05:13,744 --> 00:05:15,612 She sells she... 54 00:05:15,646 --> 00:05:17,380 Ugh, whatever! 55 00:05:17,413 --> 00:05:19,482 You've been hanging around that maid too much. 56 00:05:19,516 --> 00:05:20,984 You're speaking too much Spanish. 57 00:05:21,018 --> 00:05:22,953 You need to go out with the Anglo boys and 58 00:05:22,986 --> 00:05:25,022 - learn better English, now! - At least she cares! 59 00:05:35,499 --> 00:05:37,034 Pass... 60 00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:38,802 word. 61 00:05:46,577 --> 00:05:49,079 Jasmin. 62 00:06:03,894 --> 00:06:05,929 Frankenstein. 63 00:06:12,603 --> 00:06:14,370 How pathetic. 64 00:06:20,978 --> 00:06:23,013 Oh, my dear Jasmin. 65 00:06:23,046 --> 00:06:26,817 As you are watching this, uh, I'm most likely dead. 66 00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:28,819 Or maybe you've broken into my computer. 67 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,455 I'm gonna go with dead for now. 68 00:06:32,488 --> 00:06:35,192 Listen, I know you think I've always been hard on you, 69 00:06:35,225 --> 00:06:38,795 or ignored you, but at a certain point, 70 00:06:38,829 --> 00:06:40,664 you did the same to me. 71 00:06:40,697 --> 00:06:42,966 Have you ever read any of my books? Even one? 72 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,035 Did you ever show any interest in my work? 73 00:06:45,068 --> 00:06:47,938 So, as I see it, we're even. It's tit for tat. 74 00:06:47,971 --> 00:06:50,741 Jasmin, I know in death, families always want to have 75 00:06:50,774 --> 00:06:53,577 a moment of resolution where they get together and say, 76 00:06:53,610 --> 00:06:55,178 "I wish we'd said this to one another 77 00:06:55,212 --> 00:06:56,713 while we were still alive," 78 00:06:56,747 --> 00:06:58,882 and then we'd have closure. 79 00:06:58,916 --> 00:07:01,652 My point of view is, if we didn't say it back then, 80 00:07:01,685 --> 00:07:03,587 we ain't gonna say it now. 81 00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:06,990 Jasmin, whatever resolutions you wanted to have, 82 00:07:07,024 --> 00:07:09,026 or hoped to have with me, 83 00:07:09,059 --> 00:07:11,128 I guess they're not gonna happen. 84 00:07:11,161 --> 00:07:13,730 Now, Jasmin, I need to talk about the will. 85 00:07:13,764 --> 00:07:17,234 Um, it's gonna happen someday, you're gonna get everything. 86 00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:19,069 Everything in the house is yours, 87 00:07:19,102 --> 00:07:21,505 the books are the most valuable thing, 88 00:07:21,538 --> 00:07:24,241 and all the movie rights and the royalties that go with it, 89 00:07:24,274 --> 00:07:26,076 you get all that. 90 00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:29,079 Let me tell you about my most recent project. 91 00:07:29,112 --> 00:07:31,682 Aw, it's gonna be great! It's gonna be big! 92 00:07:31,715 --> 00:07:33,951 So big, it's gonna be the biggest thing I've ever done. 93 00:07:33,984 --> 00:07:37,654 I bought a 17th century book on black magic. 94 00:07:37,688 --> 00:07:41,792 And in that book, they teach you how to cast magical spells 95 00:07:41,825 --> 00:07:43,593 by writing stories about them. 96 00:07:43,627 --> 00:07:45,762 And when you read these stories aloud, 97 00:07:45,796 --> 00:07:47,698 they come to life. 98 00:07:47,731 --> 00:07:49,633 So, this could be much bigger than anything 99 00:07:49,666 --> 00:07:52,235 than you'd see in 3D, men in tights 100 00:07:52,269 --> 00:07:54,004 hanging from some walls somewhere. 101 00:07:54,037 --> 00:07:55,872 No, this is gonna be so much bigger. 102 00:07:55,906 --> 00:07:58,742 Because when you read these stories out loud, 103 00:07:58,775 --> 00:08:00,677 they come to life. 104 00:08:00,711 --> 00:08:03,146 You can have a real vampire in your own kitchen. 105 00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:05,716 Now, if you do this, remember you don't... 106 00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:10,020 Oh my God, he's gone crazy. 107 00:08:19,730 --> 00:08:23,200 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the audio book of 108 00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:25,702 my famous short story collection, 109 00:08:25,736 --> 00:08:27,304 Monsters in the Closet. 110 00:08:27,337 --> 00:08:31,208 Based on a 17th century book of black magic. 111 00:08:31,241 --> 00:08:34,011 Our first story takes place on a misty night 112 00:08:34,044 --> 00:08:36,747 with the smell of mold everywhere. 113 00:09:34,738 --> 00:09:36,339 Forced it shut! 114 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,215 Shit! Oh fuck! No! 115 00:09:45,248 --> 00:09:48,952 Ah, no! No! 116 00:09:48,985 --> 00:09:50,720 Oh fuck! 117 00:10:33,263 --> 00:10:34,364 Fuck! 118 00:10:41,204 --> 00:10:42,272 Hello? 119 00:10:44,174 --> 00:10:46,209 Somebody there? 120 00:10:49,146 --> 00:10:51,781 Hey. Hey, man, you need help? 121 00:11:34,891 --> 00:11:36,026 Oh, shit! 122 00:11:37,294 --> 00:11:38,929 It's gotta be somewhere. 123 00:11:38,962 --> 00:11:40,063 Fuck. 124 00:11:43,099 --> 00:11:44,301 Fuck. 125 00:12:27,177 --> 00:12:29,179 Oh, my God. Twinkie. 126 00:12:30,914 --> 00:12:33,049 Yes. 127 00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:34,851 Mm! 128 00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:37,120 Oh, these are... 129 00:12:39,456 --> 00:12:42,459 not how I remember them tasting. 130 00:12:42,492 --> 00:12:44,060 Ugh. 131 00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:46,963 Oh. 132 00:12:48,098 --> 00:12:49,165 Oh. 133 00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:52,035 Oh. 134 00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:54,037 Oh... 135 00:12:55,105 --> 00:12:56,406 Apple. 136 00:13:09,886 --> 00:13:11,988 Ugh! 137 00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:14,190 Oh, God. 138 00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:15,292 Ugh. 139 00:13:20,463 --> 00:13:23,066 Fuck. 140 00:13:45,556 --> 00:13:47,257 What? 141 00:13:52,329 --> 00:13:54,030 Aw. 142 00:14:33,637 --> 00:14:35,271 Fuck. 143 00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:46,383 Oh! 144 00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:49,319 Aw! 145 00:14:49,352 --> 00:14:52,322 Hey, wait for me! I'm coming with you. 146 00:14:53,089 --> 00:14:55,191 Maybe we can work as a team. 147 00:15:13,176 --> 00:15:14,477 Is that door locked too? 148 00:15:14,512 --> 00:15:16,446 Get the fuck away from me! 149 00:15:17,247 --> 00:15:19,349 - Fuck! - Maybe we can... 150 00:15:19,382 --> 00:15:20,518 Oh, shit! 151 00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:22,085 May... Urr. 152 00:15:22,118 --> 00:15:24,555 Be... Grr. 153 00:15:24,588 --> 00:15:27,056 - Fuck. - You piece of shit! 154 00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:29,225 Hey, what the fuck? I'm trying to help you! 155 00:15:29,259 --> 00:15:31,562 Ah! 156 00:15:31,595 --> 00:15:32,663 Fuck! 157 00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:44,073 All right! Bring it on, you fucking scum! 158 00:15:45,442 --> 00:15:48,178 Oh, fuck! Oh God, that hurts! 159 00:15:48,211 --> 00:15:49,680 Oh, fuck! 160 00:15:52,348 --> 00:15:54,350 Get off! 161 00:16:29,085 --> 00:16:31,221 Dude. 162 00:16:31,254 --> 00:16:34,090 You okay? 163 00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:36,527 What is that wonderful smell? 164 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,529 Is that... 165 00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,129 Is that coming from... 166 00:16:40,163 --> 00:16:41,231 Is that coming from you? 167 00:16:42,265 --> 00:16:45,401 Please, please be lasagna in your pockets. Please. 168 00:16:51,642 --> 00:16:54,177 Mm, mmm, mm. 169 00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:56,246 Why'd I do that? 170 00:16:56,279 --> 00:16:58,181 I just meant to smell it. 171 00:16:58,214 --> 00:17:01,284 Hey, stop. No. Don't. 172 00:17:01,317 --> 00:17:04,487 Spit it out, spit it, spit it. 173 00:17:04,522 --> 00:17:05,689 Good girl. 174 00:17:08,291 --> 00:17:10,193 Chris? 175 00:17:10,226 --> 00:17:11,427 Chris? 176 00:17:12,395 --> 00:17:13,797 Chris. 177 00:17:13,831 --> 00:17:16,700 Oh, Chris. Not you too. 178 00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:19,837 I'm sorry. 179 00:17:19,870 --> 00:17:22,773 Oh, oh yeah. No, uh... 180 00:17:22,806 --> 00:17:27,176 I'm not going to finish it. You can have the rest. 181 00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:30,413 So you will not believe what I just did. 182 00:17:30,446 --> 00:17:33,316 Oh wait, no. Yeah, maybe you would. 183 00:17:33,349 --> 00:17:36,052 Yeah. Right. 184 00:17:37,153 --> 00:17:39,088 Hey, do you mind if we stick together? 185 00:17:39,122 --> 00:17:41,291 This is kind of... 186 00:17:41,324 --> 00:17:43,359 I mean, are they going to eat us? 187 00:17:43,393 --> 00:17:46,095 Are we going to eat them? 188 00:17:46,129 --> 00:17:48,599 Is there a cure for this shit or is it like herpes? 189 00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:53,303 You know, I probably should have 190 00:17:53,336 --> 00:17:55,839 told you this before, but... 191 00:17:57,273 --> 00:18:00,343 I used to have the hugest crush on you. 192 00:18:02,746 --> 00:18:05,716 Yeah, not so much right now. 193 00:18:05,749 --> 00:18:09,419 So, how long have you been a zombie? 194 00:18:09,452 --> 00:18:11,454 Are there rules I should know? 195 00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:13,867 You know, you really haven't changed 196 00:18:13,891 --> 00:18:15,358 all that much, come to think of it. 197 00:18:15,391 --> 00:18:16,594 - Ugh! - What? 198 00:18:23,834 --> 00:18:26,169 Oh, baby. 199 00:18:26,202 --> 00:18:27,838 It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. 200 00:18:27,871 --> 00:18:29,640 I know, I would be scared too, 201 00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,642 but everything is gonna be all right, I pro... 202 00:18:32,843 --> 00:18:36,312 Fuck, oh fuck! 203 00:18:36,346 --> 00:18:38,414 Fuck, did I just do that? 204 00:18:38,448 --> 00:18:41,250 I didn't mean... Chris. Shit, I didn't mean to do that. 205 00:18:41,919 --> 00:18:46,356 No, no, no, I won't let you have her. 206 00:18:46,389 --> 00:18:48,358 Come on, come with me. 207 00:18:48,391 --> 00:18:50,259 Come on. Get away from them. 208 00:18:50,293 --> 00:18:51,762 Leave her alone. Get out, get away. 209 00:18:51,795 --> 00:18:53,597 I won't let you have her. 210 00:18:53,631 --> 00:18:56,466 We'll hide in here. I know just the place. 211 00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,802 Shh, be very quiet. 212 00:18:58,836 --> 00:19:00,771 Be very quiet, they won't find us. 213 00:19:04,207 --> 00:19:06,577 Stay right there, wait for me. I'm gonna lock the door. 214 00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:07,711 Um... 215 00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:13,282 They won't find us in here. I promise you. Come on. 216 00:19:13,316 --> 00:19:14,996 Let's get away from the door. Come with me. 217 00:19:16,452 --> 00:19:18,956 You have to be very still, be very quiet. 218 00:19:18,989 --> 00:19:21,892 That's a good girl. 219 00:19:21,925 --> 00:19:24,260 Shh, shh, shh. 220 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:25,395 Be a good girl. 221 00:19:25,428 --> 00:19:26,897 Be a good girl. 222 00:19:28,431 --> 00:19:30,701 Wait right here with me. 223 00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,636 We will... shit. 224 00:19:33,771 --> 00:19:35,304 It's all right. 225 00:19:35,338 --> 00:19:38,709 We'll wait them out. They'll go away. 226 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:41,679 They'll go away. They can't get in. The door is locked. 227 00:19:41,712 --> 00:19:43,514 I promise you, they can't get in. 228 00:19:43,547 --> 00:19:44,815 It's going to be all right. 229 00:19:44,848 --> 00:19:46,517 Just stay with me. Stay very still. 230 00:19:46,550 --> 00:19:48,484 Be very quiet. Stay with me. 231 00:19:48,519 --> 00:19:50,587 I've got you. I've got you, it's okay. 232 00:19:50,621 --> 00:19:52,923 No, no! 233 00:19:52,956 --> 00:19:55,358 Please go away. It's okay. 234 00:19:55,391 --> 00:19:57,360 It's going to be okay. Don't worry, I've got you. 235 00:19:57,393 --> 00:20:00,764 I won't let them hurt you. I won't let you hurt her. 236 00:20:00,798 --> 00:20:03,399 It's gonna be all right. Stay right here with me. 237 00:20:03,934 --> 00:20:05,669 No, no, no. 238 00:20:05,703 --> 00:20:07,437 You can't have her. Please! 239 00:20:07,470 --> 00:20:09,640 For God's sake, leave her alone. 240 00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:23,754 Oh, no. 241 00:20:53,316 --> 00:20:55,318 Ugh! Damn it. 242 00:21:06,597 --> 00:21:07,965 Damn it. 243 00:21:08,699 --> 00:21:10,433 These hands. 244 00:21:11,502 --> 00:21:13,670 Oh, here. 245 00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:15,773 Here. 246 00:21:15,806 --> 00:21:18,041 Take it, take the gun. Take it. 247 00:21:18,075 --> 00:21:20,677 Take it! Kill me, kill me. 248 00:21:20,711 --> 00:21:22,913 Kill me. You fucker, kill me! 249 00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:26,884 Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me. 250 00:21:26,917 --> 00:21:29,385 Oh... 251 00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:30,687 Fuck. 252 00:21:31,922 --> 00:21:33,690 Ugh. 253 00:21:34,892 --> 00:21:36,560 I'm so sorry. 254 00:21:38,095 --> 00:21:39,530 Please don't hate me. 255 00:21:39,563 --> 00:21:43,033 No! 256 00:21:43,066 --> 00:21:44,768 Oh, that's pretty. 257 00:21:45,936 --> 00:21:51,407 See, there's always something to smile about. 258 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,378 The sun is out, the air is... 259 00:21:55,411 --> 00:21:58,081 well, it's pretty rank, actually. But... 260 00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:00,517 Over there, quick. 261 00:22:00,551 --> 00:22:03,352 Eat led, zombie bitch. 262 00:22:05,722 --> 00:22:07,558 Folks, wasn't that a great story? 263 00:22:07,591 --> 00:22:09,092 A little bit scary. 264 00:22:09,126 --> 00:22:10,727 Zombies, you gotta stay away from 'em 265 00:22:10,761 --> 00:22:12,696 because they're after your brains. 266 00:22:12,729 --> 00:22:14,463 But let me tell you how to make 267 00:22:14,498 --> 00:22:15,933 a great egg salad sandwich. 268 00:22:15,966 --> 00:22:17,968 First, you go to the grocery store 269 00:22:18,001 --> 00:22:19,712 and you go to where they have all these little 270 00:22:19,736 --> 00:22:21,370 plastic containers on the shelves 271 00:22:21,404 --> 00:22:23,006 and you find one that says egg salad. 272 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,641 And then you buy a loaf of bread 273 00:22:24,675 --> 00:22:26,143 and then you buy a head of lettuce 274 00:22:26,176 --> 00:22:27,945 and you put them all together. 275 00:22:27,978 --> 00:22:30,013 And that's how you make egg salad sandwich. 276 00:22:30,047 --> 00:22:31,849 And don't try to give one to a zombie. 277 00:22:31,882 --> 00:22:33,884 A zombie wants a brain salad sandwich. 278 00:22:47,764 --> 00:22:48,966 Hello? 279 00:22:53,670 --> 00:22:54,972 Hello? 280 00:22:57,574 --> 00:22:58,976 Fuck. 281 00:23:00,077 --> 00:23:02,713 Hello, is anyone downstairs? 282 00:23:10,621 --> 00:23:11,922 I said hello. 283 00:23:24,635 --> 00:23:25,736 Hello? 284 00:23:31,808 --> 00:23:32,876 Hello. 285 00:23:39,549 --> 00:23:41,450 I gotta stop smoking weed. 286 00:25:01,264 --> 00:25:03,900 For this next story, we see a young woman 287 00:25:03,934 --> 00:25:06,670 looking longingly at her empty backyard. 288 00:25:27,924 --> 00:25:29,793 Honey, isn't this is so exciting? 289 00:25:29,826 --> 00:25:31,828 Oh, it's beautiful! 290 00:25:31,862 --> 00:25:33,830 I can't believe we did it. 291 00:25:33,864 --> 00:25:35,842 I can't believe we actually finally bought our first house. 292 00:25:35,866 --> 00:25:38,201 After all that freaking paperwork. 293 00:25:38,235 --> 00:25:40,337 It was so ridiculous. 294 00:25:40,370 --> 00:25:42,839 Oh my God, I swear the minute I told them 295 00:25:42,873 --> 00:25:44,975 that I was South African, that was it. 296 00:25:45,008 --> 00:25:47,044 They were like, "Well, now we need extra deposits" 297 00:25:47,077 --> 00:25:50,614 and extra guarantors," And it was just like... 298 00:25:50,647 --> 00:25:52,682 Little bit of xenophobia. 299 00:25:52,716 --> 00:25:54,985 Yeah, like a little bit, honestly. 300 00:25:55,018 --> 00:25:56,653 But still, I'm so excited. 301 00:25:56,686 --> 00:25:58,097 This is so amazing. I love you so much! 302 00:25:58,121 --> 00:25:59,689 I love you too! 303 00:25:59,723 --> 00:26:01,224 Can you come? I can't really reach. 304 00:26:01,258 --> 00:26:03,160 Yeah! 305 00:26:19,376 --> 00:26:21,945 You just made a massive hole! 306 00:26:23,213 --> 00:26:25,348 That's from the door! 307 00:26:25,382 --> 00:26:29,186 I'm gonna need a whole can of spackle just for that hole! 308 00:26:29,219 --> 00:26:30,353 We can have a little cat! 309 00:27:05,889 --> 00:27:07,858 The water's totally brown! 310 00:27:07,891 --> 00:27:09,392 That is disgusting. 311 00:27:09,426 --> 00:27:13,163 There's probably at least 1,500 parasites in there. 312 00:27:13,196 --> 00:27:16,099 That is so nasty! 313 00:27:16,133 --> 00:27:19,202 We could be puking by morning. 314 00:27:26,977 --> 00:27:29,146 Babe, I really... 315 00:27:29,179 --> 00:27:30,947 Oh, God. Babe... Oh, ow! 316 00:27:30,981 --> 00:27:32,082 Babe... 317 00:27:32,115 --> 00:27:34,351 Babe... 318 00:27:34,384 --> 00:27:36,720 This is great, right? 319 00:27:36,753 --> 00:27:38,421 I mean, the appraisal looks pretty good. 320 00:27:38,455 --> 00:27:42,692 Yeah, uh, it's yeah, I mean, it's just that 321 00:27:42,726 --> 00:27:47,831 I wasn't expecting so many wires and holes. 322 00:27:47,864 --> 00:27:50,066 A lot of holes. 323 00:27:50,100 --> 00:27:51,368 Yeah. 324 00:27:51,401 --> 00:27:53,336 I mean, look, it's... 325 00:27:53,370 --> 00:27:56,072 it's gonna be hard work, okay? 326 00:27:56,106 --> 00:27:57,707 I'm not gonna lie to you, 327 00:27:57,741 --> 00:27:59,409 but it's not going to be a lot of work. 328 00:27:59,442 --> 00:28:03,346 Just some elbow grease, you know, painting some walls, 329 00:28:03,380 --> 00:28:06,483 spackle some holes, replace the carpet, 330 00:28:06,517 --> 00:28:07,851 fix the banister. 331 00:28:07,884 --> 00:28:09,953 We should put some tiles in, 332 00:28:09,986 --> 00:28:12,455 I think that would be... or you know. 333 00:28:12,489 --> 00:28:14,157 Yeah. And you know, 334 00:28:14,191 --> 00:28:16,059 we probably just have to patch the roof. 335 00:28:16,092 --> 00:28:17,803 Not like, replace the whole thing. It's gonna be fine. 336 00:28:17,827 --> 00:28:19,496 Kinda looks like it needs to be replaced. 337 00:28:19,530 --> 00:28:20,997 But, um, you know what? 338 00:28:21,031 --> 00:28:22,933 You're... you're right. Honestly, 339 00:28:22,966 --> 00:28:24,768 you know what? We... we worked so hard. 340 00:28:24,801 --> 00:28:26,379 We bought this house, and that's all that matters. 341 00:28:26,403 --> 00:28:28,271 And as long as we have a shower 342 00:28:28,305 --> 00:28:30,840 and... and some running water, that's, 343 00:28:30,874 --> 00:28:33,310 you know... You checked the plumbing. 344 00:28:33,343 --> 00:28:36,046 I am going to check the plumbing too. 345 00:28:36,079 --> 00:28:37,847 That's... that's on the list. 346 00:28:37,881 --> 00:28:43,053 So we don't know if we have a shower right now. 347 00:28:43,086 --> 00:28:44,955 - We will. - We will? 348 00:28:44,988 --> 00:28:46,790 - We will! - We will know. 349 00:28:46,823 --> 00:28:51,027 You know how we'll know, because we hired a contractor. 350 00:28:51,061 --> 00:28:52,963 We did. We did that. And that's so great 351 00:28:52,996 --> 00:28:54,106 'cause you emailed the contractor 352 00:28:54,130 --> 00:28:55,932 like I asked you to, right? 353 00:28:55,966 --> 00:28:58,068 He's gonna fix all of this. 354 00:28:58,101 --> 00:29:00,070 This is... this is fine. 355 00:29:00,103 --> 00:29:01,371 What am I stressing about. 356 00:29:01,404 --> 00:29:03,473 We hired the contractor, right? 357 00:29:03,507 --> 00:29:05,942 Who? Who? 358 00:29:07,344 --> 00:29:08,912 The contractor? 359 00:29:08,945 --> 00:29:10,313 I sent you his email address 360 00:29:10,347 --> 00:29:12,849 and you said that you contacted him. 361 00:29:14,017 --> 00:29:16,453 And that he was gonna fix everything. 362 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:22,292 Babe, I spent all of our money on buying the house, 363 00:29:22,325 --> 00:29:26,062 so there's no money left for a contractor. 364 00:29:26,096 --> 00:29:27,998 We don't have a contractor? 365 00:29:28,031 --> 00:29:31,868 Babe, it's fine. I took shop in high school. 366 00:29:31,901 --> 00:29:33,970 You did honey, and you got an A-plus. 367 00:29:35,205 --> 00:29:41,144 I got a letter with a plus sign after it every semester. 368 00:29:41,177 --> 00:29:43,947 So that's a good sign. 369 00:29:43,980 --> 00:29:47,284 Great. Yeah, that's... that's fine. 370 00:29:47,317 --> 00:29:49,152 You are right. You know what? 371 00:29:49,185 --> 00:29:51,021 Are you sure? 372 00:29:51,054 --> 00:29:53,490 Look, anything that we need to find out, 373 00:29:53,524 --> 00:29:55,593 we look up on the YouTube. 374 00:29:55,626 --> 00:29:59,362 And that way we don't have to pay some dumb plumber 375 00:29:59,396 --> 00:30:02,132 to come down and have us stare at his ass crack 376 00:30:02,165 --> 00:30:05,235 while he, like, hits on you and does shoddy plumbing. 377 00:30:05,268 --> 00:30:07,070 - Right. - We just do it ourselves and we 378 00:30:07,103 --> 00:30:09,507 don't have to pay anybody 'cause the internet is free. 379 00:30:09,540 --> 00:30:13,043 - The internet is free. Right. - You're so cute 380 00:30:13,076 --> 00:30:14,411 when you realize things. 381 00:30:14,444 --> 00:30:16,846 We're gonna make this house so cute. 382 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:18,481 I love you, shmoopy. 383 00:30:18,516 --> 00:30:21,619 I love you more! No, that nose! 384 00:30:21,652 --> 00:30:23,820 - No, that nose. - You're gonna make it greasy. 385 00:30:24,354 --> 00:30:26,956 - Don't touch it. - Okay, time to work. 386 00:30:26,990 --> 00:30:28,325 Okay. 387 00:30:29,459 --> 00:30:30,927 You do that. 388 00:30:40,103 --> 00:30:41,905 Okay, so you're saying that... 389 00:30:41,938 --> 00:30:43,373 right, that after I nail that one, 390 00:30:43,406 --> 00:30:45,408 after I've sanded and then... 391 00:30:45,442 --> 00:30:47,143 Yeah, I know. Okay. 392 00:30:47,177 --> 00:30:48,579 But what happens to the spackle? 393 00:30:50,113 --> 00:30:51,247 I gotta let you go. 394 00:30:51,281 --> 00:30:53,116 Shmoopy, what happened. 395 00:30:53,149 --> 00:30:55,227 You dropped it because you were too busy on the phone 396 00:30:55,251 --> 00:30:56,462 because you're not concentrating. 397 00:30:56,486 --> 00:30:58,254 You're right. 398 00:30:58,288 --> 00:30:59,889 I'm sorry. 399 00:30:59,923 --> 00:31:03,393 Let's just... keep going. Okay? 400 00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:05,895 - Come on, shmoopy. - All right, shmoopy. 401 00:31:05,929 --> 00:31:07,464 I love you, shmoopy. 402 00:31:07,497 --> 00:31:09,232 - I love you. - I love you more. 403 00:31:09,265 --> 00:31:10,967 No, really. I love you more. 404 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,370 - No, I love you more. - No, really. 405 00:31:13,403 --> 00:31:14,471 It's... I love you. 406 00:31:24,013 --> 00:31:27,585 Okay, honey, do you have all the slats in place? 407 00:31:27,618 --> 00:31:29,653 - Yeah, the slats are in. - Perfect. 408 00:31:29,687 --> 00:31:32,355 - Nails are through the hinges. - Awesome. 409 00:31:32,389 --> 00:31:35,992 Yeah, I mean, I think this is pretty well hung. 410 00:31:36,025 --> 00:31:38,361 I just have a question. 411 00:31:38,395 --> 00:31:40,096 - Yeah? - Why is there so much space 412 00:31:40,130 --> 00:31:41,998 between the top and the sides 413 00:31:42,031 --> 00:31:45,135 that kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a door. 414 00:31:45,168 --> 00:31:47,671 Baby, trust me, I looked at the diagnostic 415 00:31:47,705 --> 00:31:49,573 blueprints for the door frame. Okay? 416 00:31:49,607 --> 00:31:51,408 - You did? - Yeah, 417 00:31:51,441 --> 00:31:54,043 there's supposed to be at least one inch of space. 418 00:31:54,077 --> 00:31:56,246 The diagnostic blueprints of the door 419 00:31:56,279 --> 00:31:58,081 told you to have space. 420 00:31:58,114 --> 00:32:03,654 Minimum one inch between door frame and door 421 00:32:03,687 --> 00:32:07,056 for ventilation in case of a fire. 422 00:32:07,090 --> 00:32:09,225 - That's what it said. - I'm going to... All right. 423 00:32:09,259 --> 00:32:10,994 I'm gonna trust you. 424 00:32:11,027 --> 00:32:13,129 This is definitely at least one inch. 425 00:32:13,163 --> 00:32:14,397 You're really smart. 426 00:32:14,431 --> 00:32:15,999 You are. You're... No! 427 00:32:16,032 --> 00:32:18,702 You're... you're a-door-able! 428 00:32:19,469 --> 00:32:22,138 That's too good. I can't top that. That's a... 429 00:32:22,172 --> 00:32:26,242 God, what the hell? 430 00:32:26,276 --> 00:32:28,011 Yeah, I told you that was wrong, 431 00:32:28,044 --> 00:32:30,013 but you just don't want to listen to me, so... 432 00:32:30,046 --> 00:32:31,691 Maybe if you just listened to me sometimes, 433 00:32:31,715 --> 00:32:33,316 you would get things right, but... 434 00:32:33,349 --> 00:32:35,285 When did you tell me that it was wrong? 435 00:32:35,318 --> 00:32:37,196 Yeah, I said, like, "You're doing the whole thing wrong." 436 00:32:37,220 --> 00:32:40,190 Like, three times, but you just ignored me. 437 00:32:40,624 --> 00:32:42,992 Do you have the blueprint there? 438 00:32:44,060 --> 00:32:45,462 You know, I guess I'll find it. 439 00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:47,297 Shmoop! 440 00:32:47,330 --> 00:32:50,668 What happened? I thought you were looking at the... 441 00:32:50,701 --> 00:32:53,369 - shmoopy... - Okay, I was making it up. 442 00:32:53,403 --> 00:32:55,338 I'm sorry. I was confused. 443 00:32:55,371 --> 00:32:58,341 - You... No! - I was just playing. 444 00:32:58,374 --> 00:33:00,443 You're such a playful one. 445 00:33:00,477 --> 00:33:02,111 Stop it. 446 00:33:02,145 --> 00:33:03,379 No, you stop! 447 00:33:03,413 --> 00:33:05,281 No. Stop. 448 00:33:05,315 --> 00:33:07,283 - Seriously - No, stop. Stop hitting me. 449 00:33:07,317 --> 00:33:09,295 No, can you... I'm trying to... Can you stop? Stop hitting me. 450 00:33:09,319 --> 00:33:11,054 If you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back. 451 00:33:11,087 --> 00:33:13,557 - Stop hitting me. - As long as I get the last hit. 452 00:33:13,591 --> 00:33:14,768 You're being difficult, shmoop. 453 00:33:14,792 --> 00:33:16,059 Did you just call me difficult? 454 00:33:16,092 --> 00:33:17,595 What? No! 455 00:33:17,628 --> 00:33:19,338 If you call me difficult, I'll gorge your eyes out. 456 00:33:19,362 --> 00:33:22,500 I said, you're being divine, shmoopy. 457 00:33:22,533 --> 00:33:24,635 Stop being so silly. 458 00:33:32,375 --> 00:33:34,344 - Honey? - Yes? 459 00:33:34,377 --> 00:33:38,314 Why are you painting a Z across our brand new wall? 460 00:33:38,348 --> 00:33:40,651 Well, because darling, that is 461 00:33:40,684 --> 00:33:43,052 the most efficient way to paint a wall. 462 00:33:43,086 --> 00:33:46,557 No, actually, according to HowToPaintYourHouse.com, 463 00:33:46,590 --> 00:33:50,761 it most certainly says that you start with a W. 464 00:33:50,794 --> 00:33:53,062 Well, shmoopy, when I was in shop 465 00:33:53,096 --> 00:33:56,199 in high school getting pluses on all my grades 466 00:33:56,232 --> 00:33:59,670 all six years, it was always with a Z shape. 467 00:34:01,237 --> 00:34:04,173 Okay. Well, I really do think 468 00:34:04,207 --> 00:34:07,611 that it should be a W. 469 00:34:10,446 --> 00:34:14,183 I think the Z looks way better. 470 00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:17,253 Really? 471 00:34:17,287 --> 00:34:19,155 I think the W looks better. 472 00:34:19,188 --> 00:34:21,166 What are you gonna do... what do you gonna do about it? 473 00:34:21,190 --> 00:34:22,593 The man says Z! 474 00:34:25,629 --> 00:34:27,463 You don't even have as much paint on me 475 00:34:27,497 --> 00:34:29,600 as I have on you and you've done three passes. 476 00:34:29,633 --> 00:34:31,334 Yeah, well, I'm just being nice. 477 00:34:31,367 --> 00:34:33,169 I'm trying not to stuff up your... 478 00:34:33,202 --> 00:34:36,205 - Z shape! - I'm just a nice person. 479 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,676 - And you... - You can't even get a W 480 00:34:38,709 --> 00:34:40,243 on your husband's chest. 481 00:34:43,547 --> 00:34:45,516 You're almost whiter than this wall! 482 00:34:45,549 --> 00:34:47,518 Your hair glove is falling off! 483 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:53,156 Look, Z shapes all day, 484 00:34:53,189 --> 00:34:56,259 Z shapes all day, Z shapes all day, 485 00:34:56,292 --> 00:34:57,728 the man says Z. 486 00:34:59,362 --> 00:35:01,297 And calls crocodile tears. 487 00:35:04,702 --> 00:35:06,369 Crocodile tears, shmoops. 488 00:35:57,821 --> 00:36:00,858 I am so sorry. 489 00:36:01,792 --> 00:36:04,394 That was totally a mistake. 490 00:36:04,427 --> 00:36:05,929 I... 491 00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:07,665 I don't even know if I believe that, 492 00:36:07,698 --> 00:36:09,667 - to be honest with you. - Shmoopy! 493 00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:11,702 You know I would never try to hurt you. 494 00:36:12,803 --> 00:36:15,572 Who's my favorite shmoopy! 495 00:36:15,606 --> 00:36:17,608 I love you, shmoopy. 496 00:36:17,641 --> 00:36:19,275 Yeah, yeah, whatever. 497 00:36:19,308 --> 00:36:20,844 I love you too, shmoopy. 498 00:36:20,878 --> 00:36:22,880 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 499 00:36:22,913 --> 00:36:24,648 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 500 00:36:24,682 --> 00:36:26,349 No, it's me, I love you more. 501 00:36:26,382 --> 00:36:27,560 - Does this face look amused? - What? 502 00:36:27,584 --> 00:36:29,452 Do I look amused? 503 00:36:29,485 --> 00:36:32,488 You look like you're just having so much fun like me. 504 00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:34,591 So, shmoopy, would you mind handing me 505 00:36:34,625 --> 00:36:38,796 that bucket, please, so I can keep working up here? 506 00:36:38,829 --> 00:36:40,931 - You want the bucket? - Who's my favorite shmoop? 507 00:36:40,964 --> 00:36:42,900 - You want the bucket? - Yeah. 508 00:36:42,933 --> 00:36:44,778 Could you hand me the bucket? Yeah, that'd be really nice. 509 00:36:44,802 --> 00:36:46,670 Shmoopy, I love you. 510 00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:48,337 - Love you! - You're my favorite. 511 00:36:48,371 --> 00:36:49,749 - You're my favorite! - Who's got the 512 00:36:49,773 --> 00:36:51,542 best nose in all the land? 513 00:36:51,575 --> 00:36:53,777 - Thank you, shmoopy. - Oh. 514 00:36:53,811 --> 00:36:55,211 Oops. 515 00:36:56,046 --> 00:36:57,715 That's okay. 516 00:36:57,748 --> 00:37:00,483 I love you, still, shmoopy. 517 00:37:00,517 --> 00:37:03,020 But, if next time you could just hand me the bucket 518 00:37:03,053 --> 00:37:05,455 when I ask you to actually hand me the bucket, 519 00:37:05,488 --> 00:37:07,825 I'd really appreciate it, then maybe it wouldn't 520 00:37:07,858 --> 00:37:11,461 come crashing down on your head while I'm working. 521 00:37:11,494 --> 00:37:13,597 I love you. Please keep up your good work. 522 00:37:13,630 --> 00:37:15,364 Thank you, shmoop. 523 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,421 I love you, shmoopy. 524 00:38:13,023 --> 00:38:14,925 Fuck you. 525 00:38:14,958 --> 00:38:16,593 What? 526 00:38:17,460 --> 00:38:19,062 Love you. 527 00:38:19,096 --> 00:38:20,463 Ah! 528 00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,433 Time to nail. 529 00:38:30,507 --> 00:38:32,676 What? 530 00:38:36,613 --> 00:38:37,948 Oh! 531 00:38:39,616 --> 00:38:40,918 Ugh... 532 00:38:42,686 --> 00:38:43,921 Does it hurt? 533 00:38:48,158 --> 00:38:52,663 It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, shmoopy. 534 00:38:52,696 --> 00:38:53,931 We're almost done. 535 00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:57,400 Just a little bit more paint and spackle. 536 00:38:57,433 --> 00:38:58,936 We're almost there. 537 00:39:00,704 --> 00:39:02,039 Okay. 538 00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:06,803 What are you... what are you doing? 539 00:40:08,071 --> 00:40:10,207 Cutting ceramic tile. 540 00:40:17,714 --> 00:40:19,783 You got... You gotta to stop. 541 00:40:19,816 --> 00:40:21,618 You gotta stop! 542 00:40:21,652 --> 00:40:22,920 Stop! 543 00:40:24,621 --> 00:40:25,923 Stop! 544 00:40:28,725 --> 00:40:29,893 Stop! 545 00:40:29,927 --> 00:40:31,061 Yes? 546 00:40:31,094 --> 00:40:33,630 That's really dangerous. 547 00:40:33,664 --> 00:40:35,499 Okay? The... 548 00:40:35,532 --> 00:40:39,603 the dust from the tile could go into your lungs and... 549 00:40:39,636 --> 00:40:43,472 and it's... it can kill you and there's no cure, 550 00:40:44,207 --> 00:40:47,010 there is no cure. 551 00:40:47,044 --> 00:40:48,679 Yeah? 552 00:40:48,712 --> 00:40:49,780 Yeah. 553 00:41:08,131 --> 00:41:12,202 I want a divorce. 554 00:41:21,244 --> 00:41:25,849 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. 555 00:41:31,054 --> 00:41:32,155 Sweetie. 556 00:41:33,156 --> 00:41:35,192 Shmoop. 557 00:41:35,225 --> 00:41:37,794 Oh! 558 00:41:37,828 --> 00:41:39,029 Oh! 559 00:41:39,062 --> 00:41:40,731 Oh, God. 560 00:41:40,764 --> 00:41:42,566 Oh you, bitch. 561 00:41:44,267 --> 00:41:46,269 Oh, you bitch! 562 00:41:46,303 --> 00:41:48,939 You know when I told you I loved your old sugar cookies? 563 00:41:48,972 --> 00:41:50,540 Yeah? 564 00:41:50,574 --> 00:41:52,743 I lied. That shit tastes like camel spit. 565 00:41:57,047 --> 00:41:59,016 Oh, God! 566 00:42:02,753 --> 00:42:05,088 Ow! 567 00:42:14,931 --> 00:42:17,134 Oh fuck you, shmoopy. 568 00:42:17,834 --> 00:42:19,202 Fuck you too, shmoopy. 569 00:42:20,804 --> 00:42:22,906 Till death do us fucking part, bitch. 570 00:42:22,939 --> 00:42:25,208 Ow! 571 00:42:25,842 --> 00:42:28,178 Ow! Fuck! 572 00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:31,214 God damn it! 573 00:42:31,915 --> 00:42:34,951 Ow! 574 00:42:34,985 --> 00:42:37,120 Fuck you, shmoopy. 575 00:42:37,154 --> 00:42:38,989 God damn it. 576 00:42:39,022 --> 00:42:40,157 Gah! 577 00:42:48,298 --> 00:42:50,133 Ugh! 578 00:43:08,752 --> 00:43:11,321 Oh God, why? 579 00:43:19,863 --> 00:43:24,000 I love you, shmoop. 580 00:43:24,034 --> 00:43:26,770 I love you. 581 00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:07,103 Wow. Wasn't that something 582 00:45:07,137 --> 00:45:08,972 with all that blood flying around? 583 00:45:09,005 --> 00:45:11,208 I'm not sure I'm gonna eat my cereal now, 584 00:45:11,241 --> 00:45:13,310 but that raises the question, 585 00:45:13,343 --> 00:45:14,744 is cereal soup? 586 00:45:14,778 --> 00:45:15,955 You know, when you were a kid, 587 00:45:15,979 --> 00:45:17,480 you made soup out of stones. 588 00:45:17,515 --> 00:45:19,883 Why can't you make soup out of cereal 589 00:45:19,916 --> 00:45:21,785 if you really want to? You know, 590 00:45:21,818 --> 00:45:23,220 there's a cereal that kind of has 591 00:45:23,253 --> 00:45:25,021 a rabbit whenever you see it on TV. 592 00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:27,190 You can make soup out of rabbit. 593 00:45:27,224 --> 00:45:29,259 So why can't you make soup out of cereal? 594 00:45:29,292 --> 00:45:32,762 You know, why don't we put some carrots and celery in it 595 00:45:32,796 --> 00:45:34,407 and have the cereal with carrots and celery? 596 00:45:34,431 --> 00:45:36,071 Then it really would be soup, wouldn't it? 597 00:45:38,101 --> 00:45:40,538 You know, chop in some celery, and some onions, 598 00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:43,440 and some carrots, and now you've got cereal soup. 599 00:45:43,473 --> 00:45:46,076 Stop. Get away from me. 600 00:45:52,949 --> 00:45:55,385 Well, I don't think you'd like the cereal 601 00:45:55,418 --> 00:45:57,354 with carrots and celery in it now. 602 00:45:57,387 --> 00:45:59,089 I don't think so. 603 00:45:59,122 --> 00:46:00,857 So, let's just come to a conclusion. 604 00:46:00,890 --> 00:46:02,826 - Cereal is not soup. - Get away from me. 605 00:46:02,859 --> 00:46:04,794 Get away from me! 606 00:46:33,923 --> 00:46:35,892 For our next story, we join 607 00:46:35,925 --> 00:46:38,395 a very rich businessman and his daughter 608 00:46:38,428 --> 00:46:41,498 as they share coffee in downtown Manhattan. 609 00:46:55,111 --> 00:46:57,180 This is so unfair. 610 00:46:58,248 --> 00:46:59,849 Tiffany, life is unfair. 611 00:46:59,883 --> 00:47:02,252 But you are being more than unfair. 612 00:47:02,285 --> 00:47:04,387 Look, fair is my middle name. 613 00:47:04,421 --> 00:47:06,256 Just ask my bridge partners 614 00:47:06,289 --> 00:47:08,391 or even the guys on the trading floor. 615 00:47:08,425 --> 00:47:11,861 You saw me talk to the chauffeur the other day, 616 00:47:11,895 --> 00:47:15,265 I told him he has every right to be as rich as I am. 617 00:47:15,298 --> 00:47:17,000 All he has to do is work for it. 618 00:47:18,569 --> 00:47:22,339 I started my business with a couple of million dollars. 619 00:47:22,372 --> 00:47:24,240 He could do the same. 620 00:47:24,274 --> 00:47:26,076 But obviously he's lazy. 621 00:47:26,910 --> 00:47:29,012 Otherwise, he wouldn't still be driving cars. 622 00:47:30,447 --> 00:47:33,850 He's not Mexican lazy, but... still. 623 00:47:35,485 --> 00:47:37,220 He gets what he deserves. 624 00:47:37,253 --> 00:47:39,356 I get what I deserve. 625 00:47:39,389 --> 00:47:40,924 And you get what you deserve. 626 00:47:40,957 --> 00:47:42,225 And I deserve this. 627 00:47:44,060 --> 00:47:46,530 It's just a camping trip with my friends. 628 00:47:48,932 --> 00:47:51,034 And why haven't I ever met these friends? 629 00:47:51,067 --> 00:47:52,570 I mean, what are they like? 630 00:47:52,603 --> 00:47:54,572 They're nice people, Daddy. 631 00:47:54,605 --> 00:47:56,005 Nice. 632 00:47:56,674 --> 00:47:59,409 So you like one of them, 633 00:47:59,442 --> 00:48:01,211 some cute boy, perhaps? 634 00:48:01,244 --> 00:48:02,946 Maybe. 635 00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:06,149 What's his name? 636 00:48:06,182 --> 00:48:07,951 - Is it the Wellingworth boy... - No, Daddy, 637 00:48:07,984 --> 00:48:09,219 you don't know him. 638 00:48:09,252 --> 00:48:12,455 His name is... Vinnie. 639 00:48:15,526 --> 00:48:17,961 Vinnie. Oh, Jesus. 640 00:48:17,994 --> 00:48:19,496 Are you telling me he's Italian? 641 00:48:20,196 --> 00:48:22,232 He's really sweet. 642 00:48:22,265 --> 00:48:24,702 Sweet. What does his father do? 643 00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:27,470 Okay, I don't know. I think he's a plumber. 644 00:48:27,505 --> 00:48:29,640 Oh, my God. Oh... 645 00:48:29,673 --> 00:48:32,075 Are you trying to give me a heart attack? 646 00:48:32,108 --> 00:48:34,612 All right. You know what? This is just... 647 00:48:34,645 --> 00:48:38,248 It's just... All right. Yeah. Hang on. 648 00:48:38,281 --> 00:48:40,350 Here, wait a minute. 649 00:48:40,383 --> 00:48:42,085 I'll tell you what, 650 00:48:42,118 --> 00:48:43,958 why don't you go shopping this weekend instead? 651 00:48:44,688 --> 00:48:48,458 Wouldn't you prefer a nice bracelet or a pretty dress? 652 00:48:48,491 --> 00:48:52,028 No, I want to go camping. 653 00:48:52,061 --> 00:48:53,631 I worked hard to get into the school 654 00:48:53,664 --> 00:48:55,231 that you wanted me to go to. 655 00:48:55,265 --> 00:48:58,502 You chose Princeton, not me. 656 00:48:58,536 --> 00:49:00,704 Don't I deserve a little bit of a reward? 657 00:49:02,272 --> 00:49:04,708 It's just a trip with my friends. 658 00:49:08,011 --> 00:49:10,079 You don't get it, sweetie. 659 00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:11,314 They're not your friends. 660 00:49:11,347 --> 00:49:13,517 They hate you. They hate me. 661 00:49:15,418 --> 00:49:19,122 We are what they would call one percenters. 662 00:49:19,155 --> 00:49:23,527 Your friends are... not. 663 00:49:23,561 --> 00:49:25,563 They're the 99 belower. 664 00:49:25,596 --> 00:49:28,566 And Vinnie, he may even be a negative five. 665 00:49:30,099 --> 00:49:32,302 Look, your friends have been brainwashed 666 00:49:32,335 --> 00:49:34,572 into believing that you and I hate America, 667 00:49:35,673 --> 00:49:37,508 but in fact, it's them who hate America. 668 00:49:38,408 --> 00:49:39,976 And everything it stands for. 669 00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:44,414 Now, really, if you want to go ahead and feel common, 670 00:49:44,447 --> 00:49:46,617 why don't you buy yourself a little Hermes bracelet 671 00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:48,686 or some little thing like that 672 00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:50,621 and forget about the camping nonsense? 673 00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:53,456 Okay, first of all, Daddy, it's "air-mes." 674 00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:58,261 Second of all, in three months, I'm going to be in Princeton, 675 00:49:58,294 --> 00:50:00,497 making my own mistakes, getting drunk, 676 00:50:00,531 --> 00:50:04,568 failing midterms, eating pizza with the wrong fork. 677 00:50:04,602 --> 00:50:07,103 You're not going to be there to save me. 678 00:50:07,136 --> 00:50:09,673 I need to start learning from my own mistakes. 679 00:50:12,342 --> 00:50:14,377 It's just a weekend. 680 00:50:14,410 --> 00:50:16,814 Think of it as training wheels. 681 00:50:16,847 --> 00:50:20,518 Come... come on, Daddy. I've earned this. 682 00:50:20,551 --> 00:50:23,086 Fine, fine. 683 00:50:23,119 --> 00:50:25,421 But you're taking your cell phone, 684 00:50:25,455 --> 00:50:27,190 you're turning it on, 685 00:50:27,223 --> 00:50:29,693 and most importantly... 686 00:50:29,727 --> 00:50:31,494 call us if you need it. 687 00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:33,072 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 688 00:50:33,096 --> 00:50:35,365 You are the best daddy ever. 689 00:50:37,267 --> 00:50:39,402 Vinnie. 690 00:50:40,604 --> 00:50:42,438 This is not going to end well. 691 00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:14,337 Hey, Tiffany, look, I pissed on myself. 692 00:51:15,539 --> 00:51:17,641 You must be very proud of yourself. 693 00:51:17,675 --> 00:51:19,519 No, no, actually, I just... I didn't pee on myself, 694 00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:21,344 I just sprayed beer all over. 695 00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:25,448 Wait! Do you want to take a closer look? 696 00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:31,287 So what's up, what did you want to show me? 697 00:51:31,321 --> 00:51:34,157 I got this... this thing for Tiffany. 698 00:51:34,190 --> 00:51:35,702 Oh yeah, I saw you put it in your pocket. 699 00:51:35,726 --> 00:51:37,460 Yeah, I'm kind of nervous. 700 00:51:37,493 --> 00:51:38,905 - It's a big weekend for me. - Don't be nervous. 701 00:51:38,929 --> 00:51:40,664 - Let me see it. - All right. 702 00:51:40,698 --> 00:51:42,733 - Yeah, definitely. - How big is it? 703 00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:44,300 It's not that big. 704 00:51:44,334 --> 00:51:46,202 Oh, you're probably being modest. 705 00:51:46,235 --> 00:51:48,347 Come on. Just show me. Hold on. Oh, wait, here she comes. 706 00:51:48,371 --> 00:51:50,239 Can we go somewhere else? 707 00:51:50,273 --> 00:51:52,475 Listen, you having a good time? 708 00:51:55,512 --> 00:51:57,146 Can you just give me a moment? 709 00:51:57,180 --> 00:51:58,816 We can go somewhere and have a talk, 710 00:51:58,849 --> 00:52:00,889 I just want to finish the conversation with Maureen. 711 00:52:02,385 --> 00:52:04,722 Listen, just try to have fun. 712 00:52:05,856 --> 00:52:07,490 You're much prettier when you smile. 713 00:52:08,926 --> 00:52:10,594 We'll be right back. 714 00:52:49,933 --> 00:52:53,570 Yeah. So, I mean, I know this is crazy, but, um... 715 00:52:54,437 --> 00:52:55,572 I'm crazy about her. 716 00:52:55,606 --> 00:52:57,608 - Aw! - And I know that 717 00:52:57,641 --> 00:53:00,276 we've only been dating for, like, three months, but... 718 00:53:01,645 --> 00:53:03,279 Think I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 719 00:53:03,312 --> 00:53:04,648 What? That's amazing! 720 00:53:04,682 --> 00:53:06,249 Yeah, I'm going to do it this weekend. 721 00:53:15,693 --> 00:53:18,394 - Well, do you have it with you? - Yeah, I do. 722 00:53:18,428 --> 00:53:20,607 I mean, I've only been carrying it around with me all day. 723 00:53:20,631 --> 00:53:22,966 Let me see it, let me see it. How are you gonna do it? 724 00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:24,668 Are you gonna get down on one knee? 725 00:53:24,702 --> 00:53:26,445 Are you gonna just, like, spring it on her? Like... 726 00:53:26,469 --> 00:53:27,805 - I... I don't know. - That's... 727 00:53:34,377 --> 00:53:36,880 - That is so amazing. - Thanks. 728 00:53:42,052 --> 00:53:44,487 - Oh, she's gonna love that. - You think so? 729 00:53:44,521 --> 00:53:46,322 Is there something on it? 730 00:53:46,355 --> 00:53:48,424 Yeah, there's an inscription I had them put on it. 731 00:53:56,432 --> 00:53:58,502 That is so sweet. 732 00:53:58,535 --> 00:54:00,838 Oh, yes, she is going to love that. 733 00:54:00,871 --> 00:54:02,873 Perfect find. Absolutely. 734 00:54:02,906 --> 00:54:04,675 Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. 735 00:54:04,708 --> 00:54:05,976 I just had to tell somebody. 736 00:54:06,009 --> 00:54:07,778 My God, I'm so excited for you. 737 00:54:07,811 --> 00:54:09,680 Thank you. 738 00:54:21,324 --> 00:54:23,660 Vinnie, Vinnie? Vinnie, are you okay? 739 00:54:23,694 --> 00:54:26,530 - Oh, my God, what happened? - It was an accident. 740 00:54:26,563 --> 00:54:29,967 Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my God, you shot him. You shot him! 741 00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:32,335 Wait, wait! Let's think about this first. 742 00:54:32,368 --> 00:54:33,804 Oh, my God! Vinnie, Vinnie? 743 00:54:33,837 --> 00:54:35,314 We're going to get into so much trouble! 744 00:54:35,338 --> 00:54:36,640 What are you talking about? 745 00:54:36,673 --> 00:54:38,017 You're gonna get in so much trouble. 746 00:54:38,041 --> 00:54:39,586 - Oh, my God. - Let's call my dad first. 747 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:40,844 He has a big time attorney. 748 00:54:40,878 --> 00:54:42,079 We can get out of it. 749 00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,014 We? Are you crazy? 750 00:54:44,047 --> 00:54:46,817 - Oh, my God. - Wait! 751 00:54:46,850 --> 00:54:48,552 Vinnie? 752 00:54:48,585 --> 00:54:49,987 Vinnie? Oh! 753 00:54:51,454 --> 00:54:52,589 Oh, my God. 754 00:55:03,700 --> 00:55:05,702 You can forget about Princeton, 755 00:55:05,736 --> 00:55:08,906 maybe a community college, if you're lucky. 756 00:55:09,940 --> 00:55:13,510 Remember this phrase, "You want fries with that?" 757 00:55:13,944 --> 00:55:15,712 You're going to be saying that for the next 758 00:55:15,746 --> 00:55:16,747 50 years of your life. 759 00:55:20,651 --> 00:55:24,888 You gave up your life for a reefer baked goombah? 760 00:55:25,522 --> 00:55:29,059 Who would bang your best friend if you turn your back on him? 761 00:55:33,096 --> 00:55:34,665 Boy, I'll say you made a mistake 762 00:55:34,698 --> 00:55:36,667 when I wasn't there watching you. 763 00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:38,035 I can't fix this. 764 00:55:38,068 --> 00:55:40,804 Now you go and you fix it. 765 00:56:28,484 --> 00:56:30,520 - Run! - What? 766 00:56:38,962 --> 00:56:40,864 Wait... 767 00:56:40,898 --> 00:56:42,933 Tiffany, did you just shoot Vinnie? 768 00:57:22,072 --> 00:57:23,807 Nobody else has to die, Maureen. 769 00:57:25,242 --> 00:57:27,177 We can tell the police that Hank and Vinnie 770 00:57:27,210 --> 00:57:28,745 were in some weird love duet 771 00:57:28,779 --> 00:57:30,019 and that they killed each other. 772 00:57:30,614 --> 00:57:32,950 What? What are you talking about? 773 00:57:34,217 --> 00:57:36,253 Hank wasn't going anywhere. 774 00:57:36,286 --> 00:57:38,155 A misogynistic date rape drunk 775 00:57:38,188 --> 00:57:40,090 who barely got out of high school. 776 00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:43,026 Nobody is going to miss an idiot who works at Wal-Mart. 777 00:57:43,060 --> 00:57:44,661 You're crazy. 778 00:57:44,695 --> 00:57:46,495 I heard you got into Penn State. 779 00:57:47,864 --> 00:57:49,800 Hey, it's not Princeton, but you're smart. 780 00:57:51,768 --> 00:57:53,270 Not as smart as me, but... 781 00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:55,772 get with the program, you know what's going on. 782 00:57:58,608 --> 00:58:00,577 Maureen... 783 00:58:00,610 --> 00:58:02,879 my daddy's lawyer can work miracles. 784 00:58:02,913 --> 00:58:05,215 Please don't make the same mistake your friends made. 785 00:58:05,248 --> 00:58:08,218 - What are you talking about? - Stay in your lane. 786 00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:25,802 Oh, shit! Are you okay? 787 00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:35,278 Help! 788 00:58:36,246 --> 00:58:37,748 Help! 789 00:58:40,717 --> 00:58:42,686 Oh, God! Oh, God! 790 00:58:51,862 --> 00:58:53,697 I'm sorry. 791 01:00:16,947 --> 01:00:19,216 Dad! 792 01:00:19,249 --> 01:00:20,984 You were right, my... 793 01:00:21,017 --> 01:00:23,220 my friends, they tried to kidnap me for ransom 794 01:00:23,253 --> 01:00:27,090 and they just went crazy and started shooting each other. 795 01:00:29,426 --> 01:00:31,161 I'm going to need a lawyer. 796 01:00:33,296 --> 01:00:35,932 Please help me, I don't know what to do. 797 01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:37,968 Please, please, please. 798 01:00:39,169 --> 01:00:42,072 Please, help me! 799 01:01:09,166 --> 01:01:10,934 Hey Tiff! Tiff, guess... 800 01:01:10,967 --> 01:01:13,236 guess what I just go on my gender studies exam. 801 01:01:13,270 --> 01:01:14,738 You're not gonna believe this. 802 01:01:14,771 --> 01:01:17,140 A double D. 803 01:01:17,174 --> 01:01:20,710 - A double D, get it? - I just pissed myself. 804 01:01:20,744 --> 01:01:23,446 I'm kidding, it's just beer. 805 01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,250 - What? - Ugh, whatever. 806 01:01:32,956 --> 01:01:34,691 Can I call you back? 807 01:01:37,460 --> 01:01:40,197 Can we go somewhere else? 808 01:01:40,230 --> 01:01:41,464 You're not having fun? 809 01:01:42,766 --> 01:01:44,267 No, Trevor. 810 01:01:44,968 --> 01:01:46,236 Okay, in a minute. 811 01:01:46,269 --> 01:01:47,481 I'll go upstairs to talk to Brenda, 812 01:01:47,505 --> 01:01:48,939 and I'll be right back down. 813 01:01:51,408 --> 01:01:54,110 All right. Come on. Try to have some fun. 814 01:01:54,144 --> 01:01:55,544 You're much prettier when you smile. 815 01:02:45,996 --> 01:02:49,366 Ooh, there was some hunting in that... oh, in that story. 816 01:02:49,399 --> 01:02:51,334 Rifle work, shotgun work. 817 01:02:51,368 --> 01:02:53,169 Oh, my word. 818 01:02:53,203 --> 01:02:55,071 You know, rich people like to go hunting. 819 01:02:55,105 --> 01:02:57,407 They like to go after animals like elephants 820 01:02:57,440 --> 01:02:59,943 and bison and stuff like that. 821 01:02:59,976 --> 01:03:01,354 If animals could talk, what would they say 822 01:03:01,378 --> 01:03:02,979 about being shot at? 823 01:03:03,013 --> 01:03:04,447 And who would be the rudest one? 824 01:03:04,481 --> 01:03:06,816 Which animal would not take so well 825 01:03:06,850 --> 01:03:09,352 to being shot at by voicing their opinion? 826 01:03:09,386 --> 01:03:11,121 Which one do you think? 827 01:03:22,165 --> 01:03:23,601 What the hell? 828 01:03:49,527 --> 01:03:51,428 You know what I think? 829 01:03:51,461 --> 01:03:53,330 I think the rudest animal would be a sloth. 830 01:03:53,363 --> 01:03:55,465 All they want to do is hang around 831 01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:57,698 and if you try to get them to do something, they'll say, 832 01:03:58,435 --> 01:04:01,938 "Yeah, get the fuck away from me, pal." 833 01:04:01,971 --> 01:04:05,643 That's rude. Mm. Or maybe a turtle, the same way. 834 01:04:05,676 --> 01:04:08,111 The turtle, though, he can beat the rabbit. 835 01:04:45,315 --> 01:04:47,317 Our newest story is about the times 836 01:04:47,350 --> 01:04:50,487 when you think you're there, but you're not there. 837 01:04:50,521 --> 01:04:53,356 It's almost as if you're invisible. 838 01:05:18,516 --> 01:05:21,251 Alexandra, tell me something I want to hear. 839 01:05:21,284 --> 01:05:22,586 The Raymond Grant book, 840 01:05:22,620 --> 01:05:24,487 did you get his daughter to sign on? 841 01:05:24,522 --> 01:05:27,023 Yes. Well, sir, we actually had a really good meeting. 842 01:05:27,056 --> 01:05:28,434 I think we're going to get the deal. 843 01:05:28,458 --> 01:05:30,093 All right. Very good. 844 01:05:30,126 --> 01:05:31,961 Give me her number so I can give her a ring. 845 01:05:31,995 --> 01:05:33,631 I actually didn't get her number. 846 01:05:35,231 --> 01:05:38,067 Alex, you spoke to Jasmin Grant today, 847 01:05:38,101 --> 01:05:40,504 and you didn't get her number? Why? 848 01:05:40,538 --> 01:05:42,439 I didn't want to push it. 849 01:05:42,472 --> 01:05:44,450 She's going through a lot. I'll just give her some space. 850 01:05:44,474 --> 01:05:46,176 She has my card. 851 01:05:46,209 --> 01:05:48,244 Push it. We're all going through a lot. 852 01:05:48,278 --> 01:05:50,480 Do you have any idea how many publishers 853 01:05:50,514 --> 01:05:53,016 are knocking on that decrepit door to get to that book? 854 01:05:53,049 --> 01:05:55,351 This is a big deal. This book is gonna be huge. 855 01:05:56,152 --> 01:05:57,555 What's it about anyway? 856 01:05:57,588 --> 01:05:59,322 She doesn't even know. 857 01:06:00,290 --> 01:06:02,091 Raymond had deadlines, 858 01:06:02,125 --> 01:06:04,327 and he was constantly missing all the deadlines. 859 01:06:04,360 --> 01:06:07,130 For all we know, it could be a collection of just Post-Its. 860 01:06:08,231 --> 01:06:09,533 Right. Post-Its. 861 01:06:11,067 --> 01:06:14,437 Yeah, right. We were probably gonna drop him anyway. 862 01:06:14,471 --> 01:06:17,140 Last couple of films flopped at the box office. 863 01:06:17,173 --> 01:06:19,042 Book sales tanked. 864 01:06:19,075 --> 01:06:21,120 He kept saying, "I just need one, one more hit and..." 865 01:06:21,144 --> 01:06:22,278 I'm back on top." 866 01:06:24,047 --> 01:06:26,650 Exactly, we all thought he just had a writer's block. 867 01:06:26,684 --> 01:06:29,219 You know, his best stuff was his early work. 868 01:06:29,252 --> 01:06:31,321 Towards the end... 869 01:06:31,354 --> 01:06:33,524 Just like bands, win three albums, 870 01:06:33,557 --> 01:06:35,358 after that they all suck. 871 01:06:35,391 --> 01:06:37,260 Same thing. 872 01:06:37,293 --> 01:06:38,471 You know what happens to those bands 873 01:06:38,495 --> 01:06:39,535 when their front man dies? 874 01:06:40,764 --> 01:06:42,766 Everybody and their mother is clawing to get 875 01:06:42,800 --> 01:06:44,644 the last album because it might be worth something, 876 01:06:44,668 --> 01:06:46,628 even though they haven't had a hit in two decades. 877 01:06:47,638 --> 01:06:49,172 Hmm? 878 01:06:49,205 --> 01:06:50,373 No, yeah, you're right. 879 01:06:52,141 --> 01:06:53,219 You're right, I'll get onto it. 880 01:06:53,243 --> 01:06:54,678 - When? - Now. 881 01:06:54,712 --> 01:06:57,180 Perfect. That's what I want to hear. 882 01:06:57,815 --> 01:07:00,450 And if I didn't tell you that your job depended on this one, 883 01:07:00,483 --> 01:07:02,285 well, I'd be lying. 884 01:07:02,318 --> 01:07:04,622 - So let me know. - Okay. 885 01:07:19,703 --> 01:07:22,472 Well, those are the perils of being invisible. 886 01:07:22,506 --> 01:07:24,474 That's why they wear those yellow vests 887 01:07:24,508 --> 01:07:26,510 out on the highway, right? 888 01:07:26,544 --> 01:07:28,522 Invisible man would never work on the highway. Oh my. 889 01:07:28,546 --> 01:07:32,315 Anyway, the question we need to address right now is 890 01:07:32,348 --> 01:07:34,250 how many chickens would it take 891 01:07:34,284 --> 01:07:35,451 to kill an elephant? 892 01:07:43,561 --> 01:07:44,628 Hello? 893 01:07:47,565 --> 01:07:49,600 Hello? 894 01:07:59,275 --> 01:08:00,410 Hello? 895 01:08:04,414 --> 01:08:06,215 Jasmin? 896 01:08:11,487 --> 01:08:13,156 Hello? 897 01:08:14,825 --> 01:08:16,359 Hello? 898 01:08:18,194 --> 01:08:19,630 Anyone home? 899 01:08:22,733 --> 01:08:27,605 ! Oye! �Qu� te pasa? �Qu� tu haces en mi casa? 900 01:08:29,339 --> 01:08:31,809 ! Esperate! No soy. 901 01:08:47,758 --> 01:08:51,528 Um, would it take 500 elephant-sized chickens 902 01:08:51,562 --> 01:08:53,731 to kill an elephant-sized chicken? 903 01:09:03,974 --> 01:09:06,242 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with, 904 01:09:06,275 --> 01:09:08,712 it's gonna take one elephant-sized chicken 905 01:09:08,746 --> 01:09:10,346 to kill an elephant. 906 01:09:10,380 --> 01:09:11,849 And that would be one big chicken. 907 01:09:11,882 --> 01:09:15,786 When he pecks, earthquake time. 908 01:09:15,819 --> 01:09:18,856 Our next story is about a conference of scientists. 909 01:09:18,889 --> 01:09:21,357 It's a typical scientific meeting 910 01:09:21,391 --> 01:09:24,695 where some scientists are more welcome than others. 911 01:10:00,030 --> 01:10:03,433 Why the hell do we have to live in a castle? 912 01:10:03,466 --> 01:10:04,802 It's just one of the many perks 913 01:10:04,835 --> 01:10:06,570 of being a mad scientist, my darling. 914 01:10:06,603 --> 01:10:08,304 But you're not mad. 915 01:10:08,337 --> 01:10:10,473 - No. - You're not even annoyed. 916 01:10:10,507 --> 01:10:12,442 You're... 917 01:10:12,475 --> 01:10:13,644 Perky. 918 01:10:13,677 --> 01:10:15,813 Why the hell are you so perky? 919 01:10:17,413 --> 01:10:19,550 It's your birthday. 920 01:10:19,583 --> 01:10:22,285 That's says 50. Do I look 50? 921 01:10:22,318 --> 01:10:23,821 Uh, no, no, no. 922 01:10:23,854 --> 01:10:25,756 And you do not look 50 the other eight times 923 01:10:25,789 --> 01:10:27,524 we celebrated your 50th birthday either. 924 01:10:27,558 --> 01:10:30,594 Seven. I am 57. 925 01:10:30,627 --> 01:10:33,329 Do I look 58? 926 01:10:33,764 --> 01:10:36,299 Why can't you invent something useful, 927 01:10:36,332 --> 01:10:37,735 like an anti-aging formula 928 01:10:37,768 --> 01:10:39,770 and not roller skates for squirrels? 929 01:10:40,804 --> 01:10:43,674 Well, I will admit to a bit of a dry period lately, 930 01:10:43,707 --> 01:10:46,309 but honestly, this cake is del... Oh! 931 01:11:00,490 --> 01:11:01,625 Don't worry, baby. 932 01:11:01,658 --> 01:11:03,694 It's just a little bit stuck. 933 01:11:03,727 --> 01:11:05,896 You'll be fine. 934 01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:07,631 Just stay still. Don't move. 935 01:11:07,664 --> 01:11:10,033 You're not moving. You're good at not moving. 936 01:11:10,067 --> 01:11:11,568 Oh! 937 01:11:11,602 --> 01:11:15,839 Honey, honey, honey! Honey, you okay? 938 01:11:51,842 --> 01:11:53,844 She's alive! 939 01:11:53,877 --> 01:11:55,078 She's alive! 940 01:11:55,112 --> 01:11:56,713 She's... 941 01:11:57,480 --> 01:11:58,749 Crapola! 942 01:12:20,003 --> 01:12:21,805 She's alive! 943 01:12:21,839 --> 01:12:23,472 She's alive! 944 01:12:23,507 --> 01:12:24,842 Motherfucker! 945 01:12:39,556 --> 01:12:41,725 Mr. Frankenstein. 946 01:12:41,758 --> 01:12:43,894 Dr. Frankenstein, actually. 947 01:12:43,927 --> 01:12:45,863 Whatever. What is it this time? 948 01:12:45,896 --> 01:12:48,632 I was wondering if I could borrow a little power, 949 01:12:48,665 --> 01:12:49,933 just as scooch. 950 01:12:49,967 --> 01:12:51,635 Power. 951 01:12:51,668 --> 01:12:52,946 That's all you mad scientists think about, 952 01:12:52,970 --> 01:12:55,839 power to rule the world. 953 01:12:55,873 --> 01:12:57,483 Well, I don't think you even have enough power 954 01:12:57,507 --> 01:12:58,909 to mow your lawn. 955 01:12:58,942 --> 01:13:00,911 Ah, yes, the death weeds. 956 01:13:00,944 --> 01:13:02,980 Well, I promise to get to them next Tuesday. 957 01:13:03,013 --> 01:13:06,550 There was an experiment that went wrong. 958 01:13:06,583 --> 01:13:08,886 - Sorry about the dog. - What? 959 01:13:08,919 --> 01:13:10,921 Huh? What? 960 01:13:10,954 --> 01:13:14,024 Look, last week it was a cup of sugar, 961 01:13:14,057 --> 01:13:16,459 the week before that it was tea bags. 962 01:13:16,492 --> 01:13:18,595 Now this. 963 01:13:18,629 --> 01:13:20,731 What do you need my electricity for? 964 01:13:22,199 --> 01:13:24,568 Just to reanimate the dead. 965 01:13:24,601 --> 01:13:25,736 It's no biggie. 966 01:13:25,769 --> 01:13:26,970 Very low power consumption. 967 01:13:28,605 --> 01:13:30,674 - Huh. - Yeah, it's... 968 01:13:30,707 --> 01:13:32,676 funny, actually. Funny story. 969 01:13:32,709 --> 01:13:34,845 I accidentally killed my wife, and you know, 970 01:13:34,878 --> 01:13:37,748 I would like to see her back so, if I could just... 971 01:13:37,781 --> 01:13:39,917 Yeah, whatever. 972 01:13:39,950 --> 01:13:41,450 Thank you. 973 01:13:41,484 --> 01:13:43,153 What a bitch. 974 01:14:05,542 --> 01:14:06,944 She's alive. 975 01:14:06,977 --> 01:14:08,645 She's alive! 976 01:14:50,253 --> 01:14:53,023 What the fuck are you doing? 977 01:14:53,056 --> 01:14:55,926 Just checking to see if you're alive again. 978 01:14:55,959 --> 01:14:57,794 Again? 979 01:14:57,828 --> 01:15:00,630 Did you fucking kill me? 980 01:15:00,664 --> 01:15:02,799 Just temporarily. You're a lot better now. 981 01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:04,313 Look, you're siting up and everything. 982 01:15:04,968 --> 01:15:07,004 You stabbed me? 983 01:15:07,037 --> 01:15:10,574 Oh, my God, you better not have left a scar. 984 01:15:10,607 --> 01:15:14,177 No, you look as lovely as ever. 985 01:15:14,211 --> 01:15:15,712 Where's the mirror? 986 01:15:16,880 --> 01:15:19,716 Where's that damn mirror? 987 01:15:19,750 --> 01:15:21,160 Well, there's one by the kitchen, there's another one 988 01:15:21,184 --> 01:15:22,786 in the bathroom... let's go this way. 989 01:15:22,819 --> 01:15:24,287 This is a nice big one. 990 01:15:24,321 --> 01:15:27,791 Victor, you motherfucker. I'm hideous! 991 01:15:28,792 --> 01:15:30,260 Only on the outside. 992 01:15:30,293 --> 01:15:32,529 I mean, beauty's only skin deep. 993 01:15:33,030 --> 01:15:34,231 Oh, God. 994 01:15:34,264 --> 01:15:35,966 Oh, God. What has he done? 995 01:15:38,335 --> 01:15:41,872 Honey, what are you doing? 996 01:15:45,075 --> 01:15:47,310 You know, it's not so bad... 997 01:15:47,344 --> 01:15:49,312 With a little make up on 998 01:15:49,346 --> 01:15:51,748 you'll be as beautiful as the day I met you. 999 01:15:55,218 --> 01:15:56,787 Honey? 1000 01:15:56,820 --> 01:15:58,722 Honey boo-boo? 1001 01:16:11,168 --> 01:16:13,637 I don't know what happened. 1002 01:16:13,670 --> 01:16:16,039 You must have tripped and accidentally swallowed 1003 01:16:16,073 --> 01:16:18,175 all those pills, but do not worry. 1004 01:16:18,208 --> 01:16:20,043 Threw them all out. We'll be just fine. 1005 01:16:20,077 --> 01:16:22,612 Right. An accident. 1006 01:16:22,646 --> 01:16:25,348 I got a little surprise for you. 1007 01:16:25,382 --> 01:16:27,350 - What? - Upstairs, 1008 01:16:27,384 --> 01:16:29,119 I set up the VCR with all those tapes 1009 01:16:29,152 --> 01:16:30,754 of you winning the beauty contest. 1010 01:16:30,787 --> 01:16:33,023 I know how that cheers you up. 1011 01:16:33,056 --> 01:16:35,125 We'll go upstairs and watch them, yeah? Come on. 1012 01:16:35,158 --> 01:16:36,293 Come on. 1013 01:16:51,942 --> 01:16:53,677 There she is! 1014 01:16:53,710 --> 01:16:55,779 Oh, my God. Honey, you are so... 1015 01:16:55,812 --> 01:16:58,148 Oh, by the way, 1016 01:16:58,181 --> 01:17:00,851 I was thinking about how to deal with, 1017 01:17:00,884 --> 01:17:02,953 let's call them blemishes on your face, 1018 01:17:02,986 --> 01:17:06,156 and while you were away, 1019 01:17:06,189 --> 01:17:07,991 I took an art class. 1020 01:17:08,024 --> 01:17:09,826 I think I was able to reconstruct 1021 01:17:09,860 --> 01:17:11,261 your face really well. 1022 01:17:11,294 --> 01:17:13,763 Oh, yeah? You fixed me. 1023 01:17:15,132 --> 01:17:17,968 So you're telling me I'm as beautiful as I was before? 1024 01:17:18,001 --> 01:17:20,437 Even better, and I got a perfect score 1025 01:17:20,470 --> 01:17:22,172 from my art teacher. 1026 01:17:22,205 --> 01:17:23,974 I don't know. 1027 01:17:24,007 --> 01:17:26,910 It doesn't feel right. 1028 01:17:26,943 --> 01:17:29,012 What artist did you study? 1029 01:17:29,045 --> 01:17:30,347 Picasso! 1030 01:17:39,956 --> 01:17:42,025 What the hell is this? 1031 01:17:42,058 --> 01:17:45,328 I knew your affections for the cat were very strong, so. 1032 01:17:46,129 --> 01:17:50,333 You attached Fifi to me? 1033 01:17:50,367 --> 01:17:52,802 Yes! Don't you love it? 1034 01:17:52,836 --> 01:17:54,871 Now, you guys will never be separated. 1035 01:17:54,905 --> 01:17:58,275 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1036 01:17:58,308 --> 01:17:59,976 Wait, you don't like this? 1037 01:18:02,513 --> 01:18:04,080 Fifi? 1038 01:18:04,114 --> 01:18:05,882 If that's Fifi, 1039 01:18:05,916 --> 01:18:08,451 who the hell is this you've attached to me? 1040 01:18:09,286 --> 01:18:12,989 I don't know, he was back by the dumpsters. 1041 01:18:13,023 --> 01:18:15,759 So cute, looks just like Fifi, doesn't it? 1042 01:18:18,228 --> 01:18:19,896 Uh... 1043 01:18:19,930 --> 01:18:22,199 Think of it as like a windshield wiper, 1044 01:18:22,232 --> 01:18:25,802 you grow used to it, your friends will be jealous. 1045 01:18:38,882 --> 01:18:43,220 Victor, stop bringing me back. 1046 01:18:43,253 --> 01:18:45,021 But I love you! 1047 01:18:45,055 --> 01:18:48,158 But I don't love living this way. 1048 01:18:48,191 --> 01:18:50,894 What can I do to make you happy? 1049 01:18:50,927 --> 01:18:53,096 You can make me beautiful again. 1050 01:18:53,129 --> 01:18:55,832 But you already are beautiful. 1051 01:18:55,865 --> 01:18:57,467 No, I'm not. 1052 01:18:57,500 --> 01:18:59,903 You're the most beautiful women that I know. 1053 01:18:59,936 --> 01:19:01,972 I'm ugly. 1054 01:19:02,005 --> 01:19:03,507 You're a masterpiece. 1055 01:19:03,541 --> 01:19:05,108 Your delicate hands... 1056 01:19:05,141 --> 01:19:06,843 Hand. 1057 01:19:06,876 --> 01:19:09,379 Your wonderful eyes. Your beautiful smile. 1058 01:19:09,412 --> 01:19:12,550 Your radiance knows no bounds. 1059 01:19:12,583 --> 01:19:14,552 You really think so? 1060 01:19:14,585 --> 01:19:16,786 I most certainly do, my darling. 1061 01:19:16,820 --> 01:19:18,188 Then kiss me. 1062 01:19:19,889 --> 01:19:21,992 - What? - Kiss me. 1063 01:19:22,025 --> 01:19:25,195 If I'm not vile to look at then make love to me. 1064 01:19:28,198 --> 01:19:30,233 If I'm as beautiful as ever, 1065 01:19:30,267 --> 01:19:34,804 then you should want to pounce on me right now. 1066 01:19:35,372 --> 01:19:36,806 I... 1067 01:19:39,476 --> 01:19:41,111 Crapola. 1068 01:19:43,614 --> 01:19:45,949 Are you sure you're in the mood, honey? 1069 01:19:45,982 --> 01:19:47,917 - Yes. - Because, you know, 1070 01:19:47,951 --> 01:19:49,262 we could watch television or something. 1071 01:19:49,286 --> 01:19:52,355 Make me feel beautiful. 1072 01:19:52,389 --> 01:19:54,057 Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure. 1073 01:20:05,035 --> 01:20:07,871 Okay, okay. Let's do this. 1074 01:20:24,287 --> 01:20:26,289 Is it good for you, baby? 1075 01:20:26,323 --> 01:20:29,527 I should have made the daddy hole a little bit bigger. 1076 01:20:32,563 --> 01:20:35,098 Oh, it's the balloon. 1077 01:20:35,131 --> 01:20:36,534 Just the balloon. 1078 01:21:25,148 --> 01:21:28,051 Are you okay, Victor? 1079 01:21:28,084 --> 01:21:32,088 Yeah, that was amazing, baby. 1080 01:21:34,157 --> 01:21:36,126 Just like our wedding night. 1081 01:21:38,161 --> 01:21:41,532 You have definitely not aged one bit. 1082 01:21:41,565 --> 01:21:44,334 Oh, my God. 1083 01:21:44,367 --> 01:21:46,903 Oh, I'll get it, baby. 1084 01:21:49,272 --> 01:21:51,241 I ordered dinner. 1085 01:21:51,274 --> 01:21:55,278 So you just stay there and bask in the glory of... my love. 1086 01:21:55,311 --> 01:21:57,013 I'll get the dinner. 1087 01:21:58,516 --> 01:22:00,483 Magic pizza! 1088 01:22:00,518 --> 01:22:05,388 We deliver in less than five hours or your soda is half off. 1089 01:22:05,422 --> 01:22:08,158 Yes. Wonderful, wonderful. Honey! 1090 01:22:08,191 --> 01:22:09,660 I'm just going to get some pizza, 1091 01:22:09,693 --> 01:22:11,662 put in the blender for your food hole. 1092 01:22:11,695 --> 01:22:13,564 Let's see what I got there. 1093 01:22:13,597 --> 01:22:15,498 How are you doing, buddy? What's your name? 1094 01:22:15,533 --> 01:22:16,966 Fuck off. 1095 01:22:17,000 --> 01:22:19,537 Fuckov? Is that Russian? Fuckov? 1096 01:22:19,570 --> 01:22:22,105 Say, there's something on your roof. 1097 01:22:22,138 --> 01:22:24,073 Huh? What? 1098 01:22:33,082 --> 01:22:34,652 Oh, shit. 1099 01:22:38,021 --> 01:22:39,590 Aw! 1100 01:22:45,261 --> 01:22:47,063 What are you complaining about? 1101 01:22:48,599 --> 01:22:51,769 It's only been a couple of weeks, you'll get used to it. 1102 01:22:51,802 --> 01:22:55,539 Besides, not only did you get your second hand back, 1103 01:22:55,573 --> 01:22:58,274 but you have a third one as a spare. 1104 01:23:01,177 --> 01:23:03,747 Hey! Those are my lips. 1105 01:23:03,781 --> 01:23:06,049 Ah, Fuckov. I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. 1106 01:23:06,082 --> 01:23:08,485 You're a very good kisser, though. 1107 01:23:15,225 --> 01:23:18,161 Nibbling on your ears is positively delicious. 1108 01:23:18,194 --> 01:23:21,297 Victor, this has to stop. 1109 01:23:21,331 --> 01:23:23,466 What? I can always get more pizza. What you think? 1110 01:23:23,500 --> 01:23:25,201 He's the only pizza guy in the world, baby? 1111 01:23:25,235 --> 01:23:27,805 I'm done. I want out. 1112 01:23:27,838 --> 01:23:29,740 Okay, you want to go out? 1113 01:23:29,773 --> 01:23:31,241 Let's see, we could go to the park 1114 01:23:31,274 --> 01:23:33,176 if we go out the backdoor... 1115 01:23:33,209 --> 01:23:35,746 I want a divorce. 1116 01:23:37,080 --> 01:23:38,348 What? 1117 01:23:38,381 --> 01:23:40,651 Look at me. Just look at me. 1118 01:23:41,819 --> 01:23:45,121 Can you honestly tell me I'm beautiful? 1119 01:23:46,322 --> 01:23:47,322 Honestly. 1120 01:23:48,258 --> 01:23:50,360 I'm not gonna lie, it's taking a little bit 1121 01:23:50,393 --> 01:23:52,104 to get used to you new features but you know, 1122 01:23:52,128 --> 01:23:53,631 I'm getting there. I'm getting there. 1123 01:23:53,664 --> 01:23:55,633 We all change physically. 1124 01:23:57,668 --> 01:24:00,136 It's not the physical things that are important, though. 1125 01:24:00,169 --> 01:24:02,640 I did not fall in love with you for your beauty alone. 1126 01:24:02,673 --> 01:24:04,808 I fell in love with you for your kindness and 1127 01:24:04,842 --> 01:24:07,143 your sense of humor and the way you cheered me up 1128 01:24:07,176 --> 01:24:08,416 when my experiments went wrong, 1129 01:24:08,444 --> 01:24:09,847 and you had to do that quite a bit. 1130 01:24:09,880 --> 01:24:11,749 Am I kidding? No. 1131 01:24:13,684 --> 01:24:16,620 The heart does not use the eyes to see. 1132 01:24:16,654 --> 01:24:21,157 True beauty can not be reflected in the mirror. 1133 01:24:21,190 --> 01:24:25,395 I love you. The real you, the deep down inside you. 1134 01:24:25,428 --> 01:24:28,799 Nothing could change that, ever. 1135 01:24:28,832 --> 01:24:30,433 You know, they call me a mad scientist. 1136 01:24:30,466 --> 01:24:32,168 Well, yes, I am mad. 1137 01:24:33,169 --> 01:24:34,772 I'm mad about you. 1138 01:24:35,839 --> 01:24:37,407 You know what? 1139 01:24:37,440 --> 01:24:39,710 I have a cousin who's a plastic surgeon. 1140 01:24:39,743 --> 01:24:42,145 I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor. 1141 01:24:42,178 --> 01:24:43,446 Have a nice life. 1142 01:24:43,479 --> 01:24:45,481 Wait... 1143 01:24:45,516 --> 01:24:48,117 wait, what? What? 1144 01:24:48,151 --> 01:24:49,587 What? 1145 01:24:50,219 --> 01:24:55,659 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 1146 01:24:55,693 --> 01:24:58,729 Wait, wait. 1147 01:25:07,671 --> 01:25:10,273 A monster, kill it! 1148 01:25:53,216 --> 01:25:54,652 Oh, hey. 1149 01:25:54,685 --> 01:25:56,486 Oh, great, great read. 1150 01:25:56,520 --> 01:25:59,657 You must be, are you... are you representing Jasmin? 1151 01:25:59,690 --> 01:26:02,693 I will have my people talk to Jasmin. 1152 01:26:02,726 --> 01:26:04,762 You must be her boyfriend, right? 1153 01:26:04,795 --> 01:26:06,830 Okay, I really have to go. 1154 01:27:02,653 --> 01:27:04,387 Jasmin, darling. 1155 01:27:04,420 --> 01:27:06,690 Fantastic seeing you. 1156 01:27:06,724 --> 01:27:08,025 Thank you. Thank you. 1157 01:27:08,058 --> 01:27:09,860 We here at Snake Oil Publishing, 1158 01:27:09,893 --> 01:27:11,562 we love the book. 1159 01:27:11,595 --> 01:27:13,429 We just loved it. 1160 01:27:13,463 --> 01:27:14,598 You actually read it? 1161 01:27:14,631 --> 01:27:16,600 Oh, no. 1162 01:27:16,633 --> 01:27:18,702 But I talked to my people on the phone 1163 01:27:18,736 --> 01:27:21,872 and they could not stop screaming about it. 1164 01:27:21,905 --> 01:27:23,974 Oh, I see. 1165 01:27:24,007 --> 01:27:25,909 Mh-mm. I talked to the distributors 1166 01:27:25,943 --> 01:27:29,345 and they say the new Raymond Castle book 1167 01:27:29,378 --> 01:27:30,881 is going to be huge. 1168 01:27:30,914 --> 01:27:32,583 - Well, that's great news. - Yeah, 1169 01:27:32,616 --> 01:27:34,518 we're gonna have tons of copies in Wal-Mart, 1170 01:27:34,551 --> 01:27:36,954 in Barnes & Noble. 1171 01:27:36,987 --> 01:27:39,455 It's gonna be the next Goosebumps. 1172 01:27:39,489 --> 01:27:41,859 Oh, that's good. Good. 1173 01:27:41,892 --> 01:27:44,828 This book, it's gonna be killer. 1174 01:27:50,399 --> 01:27:52,368 Well, I hope so. 82784

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