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1
00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:04,242
So Theresa has been
2
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:06,473
watching this show
about crime in the suburbs.
3
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,041
Which one? "Suburban murder"?
"Death comes a knockin"?
4
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:09,042
"Home sweet home-icide"?
"Good morning, you're dead"?
5
00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:12,012
No, no.
"Murder Street, U.S.A."?
6
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,313
(Whispers)
I love that one.
7
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:14,381
Not enough murder for me.
8
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,149
It's scaring
the crap out of her.
9
00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:18,385
She should be scared.
The world's a dangerous place.
10
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,820
Especially for the human heart.
11
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,355
I am way less afraid
of being killed by an intruder
12
00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:22,823
than I am of dying alone.
13
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,191
If you get killed by
an intruder, you won't be alone.
14
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,392
You'll be with an intruder.
15
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:26,427
Anyway, now Theresa wants us
16
00:00:26,458 --> 00:00:29,652
to get security lights
for the backyard.
17
00:00:29,707 --> 00:00:32,871
I've installed security lights...
Not well, but I've done it.
18
00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:34,368
Don't let them sell you
the Gibson 120s.
19
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:35,869
It's a racket.
20
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,039
And do not get
the Johnson-Proctor 162
21
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,040
with the boron-magnesium core
and liquid center.
22
00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:43,277
God, those things piss me off.
23
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:44,845
Seems a little extreme.
24
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,114
What, do you got stock in 'em?!
25
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:48,715
(Sighs)
26
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:52,441
Get me two madeleines
and that Sheryl Crow cd.
27
00:00:52,503 --> 00:00:54,065
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
28
00:00:54,136 --> 00:00:55,522
(Chair clatters)
29
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:56,757
Will, what are you doing?
30
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,825
You know he hates
anything with a liquid center.
31
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,009
I forgot.
32
00:01:00,523 --> 00:01:02,863
Sync and corrected by APOLLO
www.addic7ed.com
33
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,066
the Winthrop 760
is a solid bulb.
34
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:08,168
It's a soft light...
35
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,170
Make your intruders
look like a million bucks.
36
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,174
Electronics stores
are so boring.
37
00:01:12,229 --> 00:01:15,042
There's never anything that I...
Oh, disco balls!
38
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,510
I'm gonna look for a GPS.
39
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,179
I thought you hated
modern technology.
40
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,514
You said it's a godless vice
41
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,317
that crushes everything
true and human in the world.
42
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,359
Yes, but right then
I was mainly frustrated
43
00:01:25,414 --> 00:01:27,721
because I couldn't get the ink
going in my ballpoint pen.
44
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,823
And recently, I've been playing
this game with Brenda's GPS
45
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:32,593
where I just yell nonsense into
it and go wherever it leads me.
46
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,062
Like, yesterday,
I said this to the GPS.
47
00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:38,098
(Shouts gibberish)
48
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:39,566
(Whispers gibberish)
49
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:40,567
Whoa.
50
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,269
Did I want to go
to build-a-bear? No.
51
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,122
But did I come home
52
00:01:44,164 --> 00:01:46,048
with the cutest
little fireman friend?
53
00:01:46,144 --> 00:01:47,596
Yes, I did.
54
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:52,795
It's only a matter of time
before he yells...
55
00:01:52,841 --> 00:01:53,498
(Speaks gibberish)
56
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,015
And he ends up
in some Middle Eastern village
57
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,724
having a spit fight
with a camel.
58
00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:57,950
Gentlemen, may I help you?
59
00:01:58,044 --> 00:02:00,821
My wife would like to feel
a little bit safer in our home.
60
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,322
Well, then investing
in a robust security system
61
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:03,953
is an excellent choice.
62
00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:06,059
All I'm really looking for
is a couple of floodlights.
63
00:02:06,321 --> 00:02:08,304
Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I misunderstood.
64
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,864
I didn't realize you were trying
to get your family murdered.
65
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,466
(Exhales deeply)
Excuse me?
66
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,025
Lights by themselves
just announce
67
00:02:14,095 --> 00:02:15,962
there's something in the house
you're trying to protect.
68
00:02:16,118 --> 00:02:18,458
He's right. You heard
about the floodlight butcher?
69
00:02:18,670 --> 00:02:20,357
He's a serial killer
in Arizona.
70
00:02:20,427 --> 00:02:22,643
He'd only break into people's
houses who had security lights.
71
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,478
Oh, yeah. Yeah, very famous.
72
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,087
And then there was that gang
of meth heads in Florida.
73
00:02:27,149 --> 00:02:28,399
They'd invade people's homes,
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00:02:28,493 --> 00:02:29,816
murder them, and then
they'd forget to steal stuff
75
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,686
'cause they were so
freaking high. Everybody lost.
76
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,097
What about
the dog door cannibal?
77
00:02:34,261 --> 00:02:36,552
He would actually break in
through the skylights,
78
00:02:36,673 --> 00:02:39,958
but he'd always talk about dog
doors just before he ate people.
79
00:02:40,044 --> 00:02:41,317
What about
the picket fence mauler?
80
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,130
Or the hopscotch butcher?
81
00:02:43,172 --> 00:02:44,376
Or the front porch urinater?
82
00:02:44,427 --> 00:02:46,262
Or the flapjack strangler?
83
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:50,404
This really gives me a headache.
84
00:02:52,484 --> 00:02:54,541
Craig?
85
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,343
Lisa.
86
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,778
Hi.
87
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,880
God, I haven't
seen you since...
88
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,216
And as these two hearts
wander through this world,
89
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:03,050
may they each
find the comfort...
90
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,051
(Plays chord)
91
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,520
(Woman gasps, guests murmuring)
92
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,922
I broke up your wedding.
(Chuckles)
93
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,489
Beautiful church, by the way...
94
00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:13,269
Historic,
yet with ample parking.
95
00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:14,517
That's unusual, isn't it?
96
00:03:14,524 --> 00:03:16,732
Craig, what you did
that day was so...
97
00:03:16,783 --> 00:03:17,751
I know, I know.
98
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:18,697
Romantic.
99
00:03:18,748 --> 00:03:20,138
I am really sorry.
100
00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:21,915
Wait, what?
101
00:03:21,978 --> 00:03:23,337
It was an amazing gesture.
102
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,591
It made me bite my lip
like this.
103
00:03:27,036 --> 00:03:28,509
Like that?
Mm-hmm.
104
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:30,277
In fact,
Todd and I didn't get married,
105
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:34,248
and we broke up a week later,
and... I'm all alone.
106
00:03:34,747 --> 00:03:37,718
Oh, my God.
That is terrible.
107
00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:39,353
And who could forget
the butcher shop strangler?
108
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:40,654
Or the point-blank sniper?
109
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,556
And the tap dance slasher?
You know what?
110
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:43,891
I definitely want
the gold package
111
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:44,951
with the perimeter alarms.
112
00:03:45,005 --> 00:03:46,154
Good decision. All right.
113
00:03:46,208 --> 00:03:47,761
Let's see if we can get
an installer out to your house
114
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:48,929
before it's too late.
115
00:03:52,427 --> 00:03:54,568
I hate to see you guys
so driven by fear.
116
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,470
Why don't you try
my GPS game with me?
117
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,445
Let random chance
guide you into the world,
118
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:00,107
and you'll see
how beautiful it is.
119
00:04:00,564 --> 00:04:03,146
Fine, I'll play
your stupid GPS game,
120
00:04:03,255 --> 00:04:04,794
because I'm gonna prove to you
121
00:04:04,856 --> 00:04:06,763
that the world isn't
as wonderful as you think.
122
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:09,783
After all,
it does have a liquid center.
123
00:04:11,776 --> 00:04:13,720
I've got a date tonight
with Lisa.
124
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,322
Lisa?
Yeah.
125
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:17,412
Wedding Lisa? She's here?
126
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,811
Yeah. Apparently, the guy
that's helping Will is her dad.
127
00:04:19,858 --> 00:04:22,629
He just bought this place,
and Lisa does the accounting.
128
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:23,931
It's fate.
129
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:27,568
Ah, fate. Fate likes accounting
because it's so tidy.
130
00:04:28,513 --> 00:04:30,737
You can't go out with Lisa.
She's nuts.
131
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,105
She called you out of the blue
right before her wedding.
132
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,541
Yeah, but the universe has
dropped her back into my life.
133
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,944
It's a sign... a sign that says
134
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,012
Craig needn't worry
about dying alone.
135
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,815
Yeah, painted over
another sign... a sign that says,
136
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,618
"Craig should totally worry
about dating Lisa."
137
00:04:44,997 --> 00:04:46,497
(High-pitched voice)
Zing!
138
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:47,739
(Singsongy)
I matched your rhythms
139
00:04:47,794 --> 00:04:48,989
and I twisted your words.
140
00:04:51,278 --> 00:04:52,521
Mm.
141
00:04:52,599 --> 00:04:54,127
Yeah, you did.
142
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,396
So this is for
the inside motion detectors,
143
00:04:56,876 --> 00:05:00,146
these are the window alarms
for zones one, two, and four...
144
00:05:00,205 --> 00:05:01,401
Why is there no zone three?
145
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,240
I've... got no idea.
146
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,839
This thing is very complicated.
147
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,140
Honey, all I wanted was lights.
148
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,475
I just want the best system
149
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,811
so that my family
can sleep peacefully.
150
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,145
(Siren blaring)
151
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,514
All right.
No, hey, I've got it! Ah!
152
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:14,488
I've got it!
(Siren stops blaring)
153
00:05:14,535 --> 00:05:18,819
What's going on?
Why did we get an alarm system?
154
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,020
I'll let your daddy
explain that to you,
155
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,661
and if it makes any sense...
156
00:05:21,716 --> 00:05:23,590
(Whispers)
You can explain it to me.
157
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,661
(Slaps back)
158
00:05:24,982 --> 00:05:27,977
Uh, if I'm gonna deal with
this colossal waste of money
159
00:05:28,032 --> 00:05:29,884
every day,
I'm gonna need the password.
160
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:31,965
Oh, it's "maid," m-a-I-d.
161
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:35,502
Wait a minute.
Is that the maid's code?
162
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,104
Don't you trust me?
163
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,039
Of course I trust you.
It's just they told us
164
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,508
not to give the master code
to anybody that we can't trust.
165
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,043
Wait, let me start again.
166
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:46,880
You think I'm gonna rob you.
I'm your closest friend.
167
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,849
Besides,
all your stuff is yucky.
168
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,385
Brenda, you're just not
very good at keeping secrets.
169
00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,487
Remember in the ninth grade when
I told you I had a sex dream
170
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,989
about Bert Lahr, that guy
who played the cowardly lion?
171
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,090
(Imitating cowardly lion)
Aw, come on, Theresa.
172
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,592
Get back in bed.
173
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,961
And that's exactly what you said
over the school intercom.
174
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,063
(Normal voice) That was
years ago. Come on. Test me.
175
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:06,466
Give me a secret right now...
Something really tempting,
176
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,035
something you think
I won't be able to...
177
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,337
Will only has one testicle.
178
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,738
He lost the other one
climbing a fence
179
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,241
going to a Duran Duran concert
in 1989.
180
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,044
Damn it, you play to win.
181
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:20,514
So you see,
the security system is just here
182
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,749
to keep us safe
from people who want to hurt us.
183
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:23,050
People want to hurt us?
184
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,152
No, of course not.
185
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:26,987
When are the people
coming to hurt us?
186
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,889
They're... they're not
coming to hurt us.
187
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,023
Then why do we have
a security system?
188
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,326
To keep them out.
189
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,827
Oh, my God.
They're coming.
190
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:34,061
Th-they're not coming.
191
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,029
Then why do we have
a security system?!
192
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:39,366
Because obviously,
people are coming!
193
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,034
I knew it! They're coming!
194
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,940
Hello, I have a date
with a very special girl,
195
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,175
and I was wondering if you had
196
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,677
any adult-oriented drill bits
I might purchase.
197
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,179
Craig.
198
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:53,908
You've met my father.
199
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,116
Hello, sir.
200
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,518
I haven't seen you since
201
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,254
what turned out not to be
your daughter's wedding.
202
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:02,356
(Chuckles)
203
00:07:02,411 --> 00:07:03,677
You're looking well.
204
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,092
I'm gonna go get my purse.
205
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,187
Take your time, kitten.
206
00:07:09,193 --> 00:07:10,731
So... subwoofers...
207
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:11,999
Necessary? Or...
208
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,600
Shut your stupid mouth.
209
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:16,570
Do you know how much your little
stunt at that wedding cost me?
210
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,294
Well, do I have to come as close
to the number as I can
211
00:07:18,341 --> 00:07:19,295
without going over?
212
00:07:19,349 --> 00:07:22,120
Because if so,
I'm gonna say $1. (Chuckles)
213
00:07:22,216 --> 00:07:24,178
$42,000.
214
00:07:24,399 --> 00:07:25,500
(Chuckles) It was...
215
00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:27,068
It's very steep.
216
00:07:29,777 --> 00:07:31,251
I wonder where Lisa is.
217
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,020
Here's the deal.
You want to date my daughter,
218
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,589
you're gonna reimburse me
for every penny.
219
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,690
Every penny?
220
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,025
That's crazy.
221
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,388
I was there for five seconds.
222
00:07:39,419 --> 00:07:40,661
I didn't even
have anything to eat.
223
00:07:40,708 --> 00:07:41,818
And if you don't
give me the money,
224
00:07:41,872 --> 00:07:43,564
I'll destroy
your relationship with Lisa.
225
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,766
I have a lot of sway
over my daughter.
226
00:07:47,313 --> 00:07:48,569
You ready to go?
227
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,804
Yeah. Where you going
for dinner, hon?
228
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,172
I thought
we'd get some seafood.
229
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,174
Eh, you don't want seafood.
230
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,909
Yeah, I don't want seafood.
231
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,478
On the other hand, you do love
a good piece of trout.
232
00:07:58,972 --> 00:08:00,856
Yeah. Let's get seafood.
233
00:08:01,082 --> 00:08:03,620
(Chuckles) Seafood.
Seafood it is.
234
00:08:03,832 --> 00:08:05,161
(Lisa giggles)
235
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,157
(Clatter)
236
00:08:10,559 --> 00:08:12,093
And when the GPS asks
for a destination,
237
00:08:12,136 --> 00:08:13,160
we just scream nonsense.
238
00:08:13,570 --> 00:08:15,035
Brenda and I came up
with this last month
239
00:08:15,144 --> 00:08:17,464
when a bee got in the car
and we both did some screaming.
240
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,800
We ended up at the museum
of dehydrated meat,
241
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:22,269
where we saw a dried cow
you can fit into a backpack.
242
00:08:22,789 --> 00:08:25,258
Yeah, I've been to that place.
Parking sucks.
243
00:08:25,317 --> 00:08:27,470
Come on. Let's get
this train wreck started.
244
00:08:27,557 --> 00:08:29,618
Yes, let's see
what wonderful adventure
245
00:08:29,681 --> 00:08:31,173
the universe has
in store for us.
246
00:08:31,236 --> 00:08:32,595
(Beeps)
247
00:08:32,657 --> 00:08:34,134
(Automated male voice)
Destination?
248
00:08:34,243 --> 00:08:36,250
(Shouts gibberish)
249
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,407
Directions to sash mill cinema.
250
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,524
(Cell phone beeps)
251
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:46,727
Huh. "Now playing...
'The darkest fjord.'"
252
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:49,863
"6-hour director's cut
with subtitles.
253
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,366
"A sad, old man lives alone
in a lighthouse
254
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:55,602
on the coast of Norway
where there are no ships."
255
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,304
Yeah, that sounds about right.
256
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,105
Yeah.
257
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,109
(Inhales)
258
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,136
(Sighs)
259
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,615
(Sighs)
260
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,018
(Alarm blaring)
Oh!
261
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,353
I got it! All good!
Keep sleeping!
262
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,822
(Automated female voice)
Zone three... breach.
263
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,192
Zone three... breach.
264
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,727
Zone three... breach.
There is no zone three!
265
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:21,028
(Beeps)
The bad people are here!
266
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,764
I knew they were coming!
(Blaring stops)
267
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,232
No one's coming, okay?
That woman is a liar.
268
00:09:25,233 --> 00:09:26,633
(Dog barking in distance)
269
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:27,634
Everybody back to bed.
270
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:28,635
I want to stay with you guys.
271
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,636
Me, too.
272
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:30,838
Of course,
273
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,451
and maybe
the lying woman in the wall
274
00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:34,308
would like to squeeze
into bed with us, too.
275
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,776
There's a woman in the wall?!
276
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:38,719
No, there's no woman
in the wall.
277
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:48,322
(Sighs)
278
00:10:00,802 --> 00:10:03,490
Vampire!
279
00:10:03,698 --> 00:10:06,334
(Sighs)
280
00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:13,604
(Lowered voice)
Oh, Will's asleep.
281
00:10:13,691 --> 00:10:15,449
Get the sharpie.
I'm awake.
282
00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:16,750
Hey, man. How you doing?
Hey. Morning to you.
283
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,332
Ohh. I didn't get
a lot of sleep last night.
284
00:10:19,808 --> 00:10:21,395
I tripped the alarm,
and the kids...
285
00:10:21,450 --> 00:10:23,257
Listen up. Got something
I want to talk about.
286
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,916
Oh, I'm sorry, Craig.
I didn't mean to cut you off.
287
00:10:26,088 --> 00:10:28,705
No problem.
So Lisa and I are back together.
288
00:10:28,776 --> 00:10:29,745
One little glitch.
289
00:10:29,752 --> 00:10:30,797
Chick's crazy?
Jury's still out.
290
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,299
Her father wants me to pay back
291
00:10:32,366 --> 00:10:35,240
the 42 grand
he spent on the wedding.
292
00:10:35,388 --> 00:10:36,740
(Scoffs) That's insane.
293
00:10:36,783 --> 00:10:38,325
(Snaps fingers) (Gasps) You should
hit him over and over again
294
00:10:38,365 --> 00:10:39,661
with a pillowcase
full of soda cans.
295
00:10:39,725 --> 00:10:41,441
Kenny, not everything
you see in a Sean Penn movie
296
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,677
is a good idea in real life.
297
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,599
Fine. Then at least
negotiate the price down.
298
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,348
You've seen Lisa's dad's
tv commercials.
299
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:51,390
All he wants to do is make
a deal. No credit, bad credit.
300
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,486
He doesn't care!
301
00:10:52,530 --> 00:10:53,654
You shouldn't be doing
any of this, Craig.
302
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,856
You're only with Lisa because
you're afraid of dying alone,
303
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,592
and when you do things out of
fear, you make bad decisions.
304
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,060
Oh, like putting in
an expensive security system
305
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,528
that you can't even operate?
306
00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:04,580
That's different.
The world is mostly murderers.
307
00:11:04,672 --> 00:11:05,885
My friends, you're both right.
308
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,959
You must never be afraid
to act out of fear.
309
00:11:08,049 --> 00:11:10,437
The world's not the wonderful
place grant thinks it is.
310
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,940
Oh, so your adventure last night
didn't go so well.
311
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,908
Ugh, it was a disaster.
312
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,944
(Sentimental music playing)
(Crying)
313
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:20,380
Your duty as lighthouse keeper
is done, sven.
314
00:11:21,205 --> 00:11:24,072
Turn off your beacon
and be at peace.
315
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,553
(Sobs)
316
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,222
(Voice breaking)
It was so boring and dumb.
317
00:11:29,409 --> 00:11:31,191
(Sniffles)
318
00:11:32,646 --> 00:11:35,368
Fine!
It was breathtaking cinema.
319
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,214
Claussen dumsfeldt
320
00:11:37,271 --> 00:11:39,433
makes Yon Hansen
look like urn schvetlock.
321
00:11:39,717 --> 00:11:41,585
Mmm. So grant was right.
322
00:11:41,647 --> 00:11:43,733
You trusted the universe,
and it worked out.
323
00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:46,146
It was a fluke.
We're going out again tonight.
324
00:11:46,325 --> 00:11:49,264
And since it went well
yesterday, I'm quite certain
325
00:11:49,337 --> 00:11:51,272
we'll be mightily crapped upon
this evening.
326
00:11:51,358 --> 00:11:53,176
Maybe it'll rain, and your car
will spin out of control.
327
00:11:53,208 --> 00:11:54,169
You'll hit a tree.
328
00:11:54,257 --> 00:11:55,225
Thanks, man.
329
00:11:55,231 --> 00:11:56,183
(Loud slap)
Ohh.
330
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:57,851
Hit myself.
331
00:11:58,246 --> 00:11:59,948
(Snaps fingers)
332
00:12:00,013 --> 00:12:02,182
Are you gonna give me
the real alarm code?
333
00:12:02,352 --> 00:12:03,371
Because I haven't told anyone
334
00:12:03,410 --> 00:12:05,056
about Will's
half-empty marble bag.
335
00:12:05,143 --> 00:12:06,494
It's only been a day,
336
00:12:06,556 --> 00:12:09,425
and I like to think
of his marble bag as half full.
337
00:12:09,712 --> 00:12:12,309
Okay. I figured it out.
338
00:12:12,725 --> 00:12:15,196
The alarm is set
and everything is good to go.
339
00:12:15,272 --> 00:12:17,169
(Automated male voice)
Zone "q" activated.
340
00:12:17,591 --> 00:12:20,137
Zone "q"?
What the hell is zone "q"?
341
00:12:20,195 --> 00:12:21,771
And I swear
that's a different voice.
342
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,977
Inside motion detectors on.
343
00:12:24,048 --> 00:12:25,032
Nobody move.
344
00:12:25,091 --> 00:12:26,118
If the alarm goes off again,
345
00:12:26,157 --> 00:12:27,266
we're gonna have to
get new kids.
346
00:12:27,337 --> 00:12:28,357
We can move.
347
00:12:28,513 --> 00:12:29,766
We just have to do it
really slowly
348
00:12:29,786 --> 00:12:31,818
so we don't trigger the sensor.
349
00:12:33,865 --> 00:12:35,864
I'll go to the living room
and turn it off.
350
00:12:35,907 --> 00:12:37,041
Be back in a couple hours.
351
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:38,214
That's ridiculous.
352
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,727
I can make it to the bedroom
in 45 minutes.
353
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,044
I had a nightmare
that the alarm went off.
354
00:12:50,091 --> 00:12:51,427
(Alarm blaring)
355
00:12:51,476 --> 00:12:53,005
Aah! I can't wake up!
356
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:54,716
(Blaring continues)
357
00:12:54,936 --> 00:12:56,371
(Sighs)
358
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,245
Scooby-doo-bow-ba-Bo.
359
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,280
(Male electronic voice)
Directions to
360
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,015
intersection of sixth and main.
361
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:04,717
Dude, that's skid row.
362
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,930
We are so dying tonight.
363
00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:09,915
(Kenny and man)
♪ hombre arriba ♪
364
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,592
♪ con mi corazon ♪
365
00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:13,593
Everybody!
366
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:15,392
♪ Hombre arriba ♪
367
00:13:15,468 --> 00:13:17,303
♪ con mi corazon ♪
368
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:18,664
(High-pitched voice)
Ay, ay, ay!
369
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:19,799
That sounds fantastic.
370
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,901
Ohh, it was
a cross-cultural delight,
371
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,070
but I figured out why
everything is going so well.
372
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,806
Till now, grant's been the one
yelling at the GPS,
373
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,478
and the universe
has a crush on grant,
374
00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:31,169
so next time, I'm gonna be
doing the screaming. (Cackles)
375
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,847
It's weird that you're working
so hard to make things go badly.
376
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:37,750
It's not weird. What you're
doing with Lisa is weird.
377
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,585
(Sighs) No.
378
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,587
No, it's not.
379
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,424
Will, wake up.
Craig's being weird.
380
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,160
Uh, yeah. No, I wouldn't
want to sleep through that.
381
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:48,528
I'm not being weird.
382
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:50,730
I couldn't talk Walter down
on the base price,
383
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:52,198
so I worked out an arrangement.
384
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:55,635
Every time I see Lisa,
I give her old man 200 bucks.
385
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,837
Last night was amazing.
386
00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:00,091
There's $200 on the dresser
for your dad.
387
00:14:02,078 --> 00:14:03,479
Oh, yeah. That's weird.
388
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,211
It's just a payment plan.
389
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:06,346
Ohh, that's so romantic.
390
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,081
It's just like
that famous Shakespeare play,
391
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,616
"Romeo and the hooker."
392
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:11,251
You guys are just jealous
393
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,253
because I got a beautiful woman
at a fair price,
394
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,221
and you two
are floundering around
395
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,257
like a couple
of floundering flounders.
396
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,559
I'm not floundering.
I solved my problem.
397
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,027
I didn't tell
Theresa and the kids,
398
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:22,329
but I disconnected the alarm
399
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,197
so everyone
can start sleeping again.
400
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,332
What?
401
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,267
Didn't the installer
tell you that there's, like,
402
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,836
32 ways for a madman
to get into your house?
403
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,438
Yes,
404
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:34,107
and now that I'm not using
my alarm, I'd appreciate it
405
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,243
if you didn't keep
putting that stuff in my head.
406
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:37,344
We just don't want
to see some maniac
407
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:38,845
come out of the hills
behind your house,
408
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,114
crawl through that comically
vulnerable basement window,
409
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:43,116
kick down that particleboard
door, slit your throat,
410
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,952
and drag your family off
to some cult in the woods, Will.
411
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,221
There's no way that doesn't happen.
Oh, great.
412
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,790
Now I can't sleep with the alarm
and I can't sleep without it.
413
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:52,092
Well, you'd better pray
414
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:53,326
there's no such thing
as the ironic strangler,
415
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:57,697
because he would kill you...
By trying to save your life.
416
00:14:59,543 --> 00:15:01,077
Yeah.
417
00:15:03,722 --> 00:15:05,057
(Automated male voice)
Destination.
418
00:15:09,507 --> 00:15:12,476
(Shouting gibberish)
419
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,015
Directions to
420
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,018
Aloo's Indonesian Cafe
and smog check.
421
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,786
Mmm.
(Chuckles)
422
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:20,987
Sounds like
we're in for a journey
423
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,089
through the culinary wonders
of Southeast Asia.
424
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,624
Ew.
425
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:25,926
Awesome.
426
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,427
(Laughs)
427
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:30,397
(Drill whirring)
428
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,966
You don't even know
what you're eating, man.
429
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,634
I think
we're in someone's house.
430
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:37,703
Look, there's shag carpeting
in the kitchen.
431
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,540
Embrace, Kenny.
Don't resist.
432
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,008
This is a magical window
into a side of Central Ohio
433
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:44,110
we would never
ordinarily get to see.
434
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,679
No, it isn't.
This place sucks.
435
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,715
Look. There's a cat
in that bathtub.
436
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,818
There's a bathtub.
437
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:54,253
Okay, look,
you got to stop pretending.
438
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,555
(Clatters)
439
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:56,556
Are you okay?
440
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,173
I'm in trouble.
441
00:15:58,891 --> 00:15:59,859
(Clatter)
442
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,227
(Thud)
443
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,297
Ha! Yes! I win!
444
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,387
Where's your universe now?
445
00:16:06,469 --> 00:16:08,728
Oh, I should call 9-1-1.
446
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,371
Apparently, I had
a violent allergic reaction
447
00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:14,674
to something called
ground-up salamanders.
448
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,576
Gee, I wonder what's in that.
449
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:17,410
I didn't ask.
450
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,078
The important thing is
451
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,380
you and I are still having
a great adventure.
452
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:23,583
What? No, we're not.
453
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,519
I won. You almost died.
The universe sucks.
454
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,322
We're still waiting
for one of the anti venom shots.
455
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,290
You had a lot of different
salamanders in you.
456
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,959
(Woman over P.A.) Nurse scully,
please report to...
457
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:36,095
Oh, my God.
Is that Billy Dee Williams?
458
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,671
No.
459
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,333
Yes! Can you believe it?
460
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:41,901
The man who played
Lando Calrissian in "Star Wars"
461
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,981
is in this hospital.
What is he in for?
462
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,770
(Pen clicks) Sir, he's a patient.
I can't tell you that.
463
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:50,376
Ohh. Of course.
Classic Lando.
464
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,979
I know, right? (Laughs)
465
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,347
This is incredible.
466
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,082
I gotta go to Will's house
and get my Lando action figure
467
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,317
so Billy Dee Williams
can sign it.
468
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:59,652
Now why do you keep your dolls...
I'm sorry,
469
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,122
action dolls...
At Will's house?
470
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,991
Will has a security system.
I want to keep it safe.
471
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,393
I'm so sorry, Kenny.
472
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,394
Looks like this is gonna be
473
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:09,762
another great experience
for you.
474
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,013
Oh, shut up.
475
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,570
(Clattering)
476
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,381
(Rustling)
477
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,772
(Cans clatter)
478
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:57,393
Hello there, you...
479
00:17:58,174 --> 00:17:59,979
Ohh!
(Thud)
480
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:02,415
(Both grunting)
481
00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:03,849
Will? What's going on?
482
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,451
Stay back! I got this!
483
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,354
(Grunting)
484
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,956
(Pants) (Fizzing)
485
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,658
Uh-oh.
486
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:15,795
(Splattering)
487
00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:17,830
I am really sorry.
488
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:18,747
(Woman speaking indistinctly
over P.A.)
489
00:18:18,869 --> 00:18:20,738
(Clenches teeth)
You hit me so many times.
490
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,836
Mr. Hayden,
we have a room for you now.
491
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,971
You know,
I-I-I just lost my mind.
492
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,907
I was so hopped-up
on fear
493
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:30,042
because you kept talking
about all those murderers.
494
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:34,480
Oh, I'm sorry, Will.
Please let me replace your soda.
495
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:37,750
Look, if nothing else,
you helped me prove to grant
496
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:41,259
that the world
and the universe does suck.
497
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:52,832
Why, you slimy, double-crossing,
no-good swindler.
498
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:55,888
You got a lotta guts coming here
after what you pulled.
499
00:18:55,952 --> 00:18:57,253
Are you talking to me?
500
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:58,638
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I...
501
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,847
I was just running lines
from "the empire strikes back."
502
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,744
It soothes me when I'm...
I'm feeling stressed.
503
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:05,912
Me, too.
504
00:19:06,577 --> 00:19:09,048
Would you do me a favor?
505
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,650
Anything, Mr. Dee Williams.
506
00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:14,313
Would you play
the part of han solo?
507
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,690
(Orchestral music playing)
508
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:20,126
Thank you, universe.
509
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:22,828
I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
510
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,230
Okay, listen.
511
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:27,635
We'll start in the cockpit
of the "Millenium Falcon."
512
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:30,504
(Imitates Chewbacca)
513
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,772
Is Kenny okay?
514
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,941
He's doing pretty well
for someone
515
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,376
who was savagely beaten
with a 12-pack of ginger ale.
516
00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,779
I told you we shouldn't
keep soda in the house.
517
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:42,949
Don't worry. I've worked
in this hospital. They're great.
518
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,918
They'll have him back to his
normal monster face in no time.
519
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,864
I'm sorry I almost
killed your brother.
520
00:19:48,150 --> 00:19:50,119
You went baboon on him.
521
00:19:50,218 --> 00:19:51,452
So I was thinking...
522
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,345
Maybe the whole security system
was a mistake.
523
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,928
Yeah, I really don't
think we need it.
524
00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:57,821
Even the kids feel safer
now that they've seen
525
00:19:57,881 --> 00:20:00,584
your blind rage
and your crazy monkey-strength.
526
00:20:00,735 --> 00:20:02,237
Ooh. (Laughs)
527
00:20:02,281 --> 00:20:05,251
Hello, Brenda. Well, I've got
some good news for you folks.
528
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:06,606
(Sighs)
529
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:09,742
Billy Dee Williams is right here
in this hospital. I'm serious.
530
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,311
Huh. And grant and Kenny?
531
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,779
Yes, they both saw him.
532
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:14,814
Uh, Dr. Samdi,
533
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,916
these are my friends,
Theresa and Will Keen.
534
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:18,351
Will Keen?
535
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:21,351
The man who lost a testicle
at a Duran Duran concert?
536
00:20:21,594 --> 00:20:22,862
What?
537
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:26,476
I made that up.
I was testing Brenda.
538
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,328
Yeah, I can't keep secrets.
539
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,697
I already gave the maid's code
to, like, six people.
540
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:33,799
There's something broken
in my head.
541
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,076
Hello, sir.
542
00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:46,216
We got a problem, you and me.
543
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:48,314
Where's my money?
544
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:50,312
Uh, I gave it to the girl.
I mean, your daughter.
545
00:20:50,513 --> 00:20:52,382
.. li... my girlfr...
I gave it to Lisa.
546
00:20:52,504 --> 00:20:53,873
Sure you did.
547
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:56,289
Hey! I just folded that!
548
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,423
Do you think
I'm screwing around?
549
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,825
No! My socks! Okay, okay!
550
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,861
I saw her last night
and I didn't give her any money,
551
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:02,928
but we only had coffee.
552
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:07,300
Hey. If you see her, you pay.
Her time is my dime.
553
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:08,768
You know what?
554
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,703
I only started seeing Lisa again
out of fear of dying alone,
555
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,138
but this has all
gotten too weird,
556
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:14,373
so I'm gonna
have to break up with her.
557
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,410
Really? Ohh.
You guys are so good together.
558
00:21:17,476 --> 00:21:18,811
I know, aren't we?
559
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:20,880
Yeah. Well, at least,
my wife and I both think so.
560
00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:23,783
You know what?
(Snaps fingers)
561
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:25,269
I'm gonna write you a check.
562
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:28,386
You are one hell
of a salesman, Walt.
563
00:21:28,411 --> 00:21:30,611
Sync and corrected by APOLLO
www.addic7ed.com
41434
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