All language subtitles for Boston Legal [3x14]

Previously on 'Boston legal'

Are you and Denise having intimate relations?

Why would you ask me that?

Are you?

You and I have an arrangement. No exclusivity.

Are you sleeping with somebody else in this office?

- I'm not having this conversation.
- Denise, I will not be made a fool of.

Are you sleeping with somebody else in this office?

I'm not answering these questions.

"Professor Clifford Cabot's cabinet of sexual curiosities."

This is my vision. It's not just some collection of smut.

Ever appear before a raving loon named Clark Brown?

Shocking.

Outrageous.

These are serious criminal charges.

70 years old, still lives with his mother.

Do you know what my mother would call you? A namby-pamby.

What are you looking at?

Bethany, you got taller.

I'm just trying it out, snidey doo.

Well, it looks smashing on you.

Is there a reason you're here?

I'm meeting Denny for breakfast.

I'd say "join us," but that might ruin it.

Oh, dear.

Judge Brown.

I need to see Denny Crane, please.

Why?

It is a matter of great urgency for which I need a powerful firm.

What's the urgency?

Your shorts riding up on you?

This is a grave matter.

I'd appreciate your sensitivity.

I am nothing if not sensitive.

18 months ago I was diagnosed with SSAD.

I was directed to a rehab facility where I was told I'd be cured.

$40,000 later I am not cured.

Oh, I'm so sorry, judge.

What's SSAD?

Same-sex attraction disorder.

What do you mean?

It, it's a disorder

where a person thinks he's attracted to the same sex.

What do you mean?

What I mean is the person becomes erroneously convinced

that he's sexually attracted to a person of the same sex.

This affects you?

Yes.

But you're a man.

That would mean you're attracted to men.

Yes.

Oh, I'm not, of course.

It's just that I think I am.

You mean like homosexual gay?

Which is why I want to sue.

I will not take this lying down.

Shirley, this is my sister Carol, my niece Michelle.

Michelle regrettably was a victim of a rather traumatic assault last night.

What happened?

I was molested by a rabbi.

She's not even really Jewish.

We could make this out a hate crime.

I'm half Jewish.

Her father's side.

You were...

this was last night?

I've been getting counseling from my father's rabbi

over my so-called disability with intimacy,

which is the new term for prudes, I guess.

And he sucked me down this path-of-trust thingy

and last night he somehow got me to lie naked with him,

and he pressed his fat,

naked body against mine and groped me like an ape.

I was practically enveloped by flab.

Did you ask him to stop?

She's only 16. It wouldn't matter.

I understand, but...

I asked him to stop,

and he made some stupid comment like,

"why should priests have all the fun," which I did not find funny.

He should get letters.

Have you been to the police?

We've been to the police. This isn't about that.

What is it about then?

There's a new pill. It's still in the trial stage. Perhaps you've heard of it.

It's called "the forgetting pill."

"The forgetting pill"?

Basically, if you take it in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event,

it can make you forget that event,

the goal being to circumvent the emotional scarring.

Michelle's father wants her to take it.

He's going for a court order.

We think the idea is perverse.

A pill that makes you forget?

Aldous Huxley didn't even dream of that.

Well, actually he did, but still,

to experiment with a person's memory, the idea is grotesque.

Whoa, uh, hold on a second. You and the father are...

We're divorced.

He wants her to take the medication. I'm opposed.

Well, you can't force medication on a 16-year-old,

even if you're the father.

She wants to take it.

Of course I do.

How would you like to spend the rest of your life

remembering a fat, naked rabbi?

You have to trust us, sweetheart.

Trust you?

You're a bigger perv than the rabbi.

Um...

Michelle, something tells me that if you really wanted to take this pill,

you would've done so by now.

No, because... these two freaked the doctors out with all their threats of lawsuits,

and they won't give it to me without her consent.

It just seems morally wrong.

Her father's going to court.

Shirley, we need your help.

I do not want her here.

Medical malpractice is my niche.

Your honor, she can help. I've seen her in action.

She's a little dynamo.

How exactly does this same-sex attraction disorder play out?

Well, I find men,

and I have relations with them.

I've been struggling with this most of my life.

About a year and a half ago, I had a talk with my minister.

He gave me the diagnosis of SSAD,

told me he knew of a faith-based facility that could help me.

It's called "better tomorrows."

They're a sham.

$40,000 later, I still have urges.

I've seen this exact same thing before,

and I think I can explain it.

- You can?
- Yes.

You're totally gay.

I am not! How dare you?

Your honor, going to court's a very public forum.

Are you sure you want to do this?

At some point, man has to stand up for principle.

This Better tomorrows...

it's outrageous!

Congratulations.

What? Oh.

Uh, no, it's negative. No blue line.

Yeah, I could tell from your reaction.

Who's the father?

Nobody.

Nobody is the father.

You really shouldn't claim that, Denise.

They'll throw rocks at your kid.

You have a smart little wisecrack for everything, don't you?

Most things.

You okay?

No.

What am I gonna do?

Well...

you can have it

or not.

Can you help?

It's just the subject matter makes me a little uncomfortable.

I'm afraid I won't do my best work.

What about Bethany?

She'll be around.

But I want one of those really, really long closings.

We've all come to expect them.

Your honor, do you really want this problem aired out?

Companies like this, they threaten our national security.

Of course they do.

Well, if people get the idea that, that businesses like this are shams,

they may stop trying to cure themselves of homosexuality.

But, your honor, you can't really cure homosexuality with therapy.

You need to take a pill.

How dare you make light of this situation!

I think I'm gay, for god's sake. It's...

Hard on the hips.

Shocking!

All rise.

Case number 32666,

judge Clark Brown vs. Better tomorrows.

Oh, my.

Alan Shore for the plaintiff.

Could I perhaps get an ex parte sidebar, judge?

Approach.

Good morning, your honor.

I cannot be 100% sure,

but I believe years ago, long before you were a judge,

there was a party.

I believe I was at it, and I believe your honor was.

And it turned out we only had one motor vehicle between us,

so I offered to give you a lift.

And even though between us,

we had two places of residence, we only went to one of them.

And between you and me, we had a very rewarding time.

And I would hope that experience wouldn't come between us now in a court of law.

I'm glad you remember it, counsel, because...

I don't.

I guess between us,

one of us wasn't that memorable.

Ah, well, I'm sure it all pales in comparison to a subsequent party

I'm told you attended,

one where the governor was there, as well.

Do governors still appoint judges in the commonwealth?

Between us, I believe they do.

I'll hold you in contempt right now.

My handcuffs or yours?

You'd better respect this robe, Alan.

Oh, I've already put it together.

All of its contents on the highest of pedestals.

Time is against us.

If we don't give Michelle the propranolol now,

before this horrific memory has a chance to set in...

We're talking about a child's brain here.

Why the rush to pump her with drugs?

Because they can help my daughter!

What is this drug you speak of?

It sounds like poopycock.

It's called propranolol. It's a beta-blocker.

And it makes you forget?

You obviously wouldn't need it.

Who said that?

He forgot.

The drug essentially blocks adrenaline from entering the nerve cell,

and adrenaline attaches emotion to memories.

If you take the drug quickly enough,

it can prevent you from remembering and being scarred by the trauma.

Which in this case would be?

A naked rabbi.

It's brainwashing, your honor.

They use it with soldiers with PTSD with good results.

Even so, we're talking about a teenager.

Who suffered a horrendous sexual assault.

Now hold on just a second.

Where is the naked rabbi?

Your honor, the issue before you simply concerns Michelle's right

to take this medication.

And the father is for it, and her mother is against it?

- Yes.
- Who the hell are you?

I'm the funny uncle.

Every family has one.

And you say the girl wishes to take the medication?

Why is it so difficult to understand?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life as a sexual assault victim.

But, Michelle, that's what you are.

But I don't have to be, not psychologically.

This isn't anybody's business but my own.

Your honor, my client, in addition to being Michelle's father, is a psychiatrist.

He can give medical testimony as to the efficacy of this drug.

I would like you to hear from him.

Get him up here.

You wanted to see me, sport?

Why would I want to do that?

Actually, um, I called this little meeting.

Could you sit, both of you? Couch.

- Why?
- Brad, sit, please.

There is no delicate way to say this, so...

I'm pregnant.

One of you is the father,

and while I'm not asking either of you to bear any responsibility,

I would like to know who the paternal parent is.

What's this?

- Brad, swab, please.
- Hold on a second.

I have rights. You can't just drop a bomb.

You have no rights unless you're the father,

which we won't know until we do the test.

So, Brad, swab, please.

Thanks.

I'll get back to you.

What am I gonna do?

Brad.

One of us is a father.

There are many, many people in this country

who have fallen victim to this confusion over sexual orientation.

It's shocking.

And these victims suffer from...

SSAD.

Same-sex attraction disorder.

My minister diagnosed me, and he,

he recommended Better tomorrows for reparative therapy.

And what does this treatment entail, doctor?

- I'm not a doctor.- Whatever.

Well, basically, it entails Bible study,

gender-appropriate activities, like, uh,

sports activities for men, sewing for women.

We were to report all sexual fantasies to the staff.

Every day they searched our belongings for secular media, movies, CDs.

Certain deviant behaviors were prohibited.

It was all very entailed.

Come on.

Did you actually believe in all this nonsense?

What you call "nonsense," I call values.

So you went to the defendant...

To be cured of these evil and impure predilections.

We're talking about homosexuality, your honor.

It's life-threatening.

If God doesn't get you for it, the skinheads will,

and if the skinheads don't, the Republicans will.

And if the Republicans don't, the southern Democrats will.

And if they don't, by God, it will be left up to Florida.

I'm ready to be disciplined now.

Chambers?

I expressly directed you to refrain from your antics in my courtroom.

Yes, well, once I get started, I just go on and on.

Surely you remember.

Shall we get started, judge?

You're suggesting an ex parte encounter that would get us both disbarred.

Yes, but on the upside, I could tell you how bad you're being.

And as I recall, you like being a bad girl.

Keep it about the case, counsel.

That's all.

You sure?

That's all.

Hey, Clarence. How's it going?

Good. You?

Great.

Well, it's been good catching up.

How come you're looking at yourself?

What was that?

You were looking at yourself when I came in.

How come?

Well, Clarence, this is a conversation typically reserved for friends,

but what the hell?

The reason they put these mirrors up

is so that people can look at themselves.

Well, that felt good to get off my chest.

Thanks.

You thinking about the baby?

Claire told me.

You worried it's yours?

Actually, I'm a little worried that it might not be.

You want it to be yours?

I guess I do, actually.

Why I'm telling you this, I...

You should tell Denise.

I'll bet she's feeling real alone right now.

And scared.

You're getting kind of bold in your old age, Clarence.

Thanks.

Denise, do you have a sec?

Uh, actually, I don't. Can it wait?

Apparently it can.

Memories require time to congeal in our brains.

And while they're forming, they can become stronger or weaker

depending on how much adrenaline is involved.

So if we wait too long...

Then the memory will set,

and Michelle will be haunted by this for the rest of her life.

Have you ever prescribed propranolol as a licensed psychiatrist?

Yes, many times with great success.

I once gave propranolol to a woman who had been raped.

She couldn't even face her husband, let alone undress in front of him.

She was so ashamed and traumatized.

After taking the medication,

she reported feeling as though the cord linking the memory

to the emotion had been cut.

Is time of the essence?

Absolutely.

It has a much higher success rate when given immediately,

which is why I would like to prescribe it for Michelle now.

So let's just delete the memory she'd like to forget?

I'd like to erase my first husband. That would be lovely.

Ms. Schmidt, I work with post-traumatic stress disorder.

The's nothing funny about it.

I've seen what it does.

People who have it, it ruins their lives.

They can't hold down a job.

They suffer from nightmares and flashbacks.

Ever have a patient suffer those exact things

'cause he or she suppressed the memories?

I tend to know my patients.

This one's your daughter.

Yeah. And 'cause she is my daughter, I know her better.

Assuming you're thinking like a doctor, not a father.

I have the power to prevent an enormous,

potentially lifelong disability with virtually no side effects,

and how dare you try and stop me!

How dare you!

- What have I done?
- This is her life!

You speak as if it were yours.

No, it's mine.

So how about letting me decide?

Clarence.

My office, please.

You shared with Jeffrey Coho something I shared with you.

I do not expect the things

that I tell my assistant in the privacy of my office

to end up in the office gossip pool.

Things I share with my boyfriend,

I especially expect to stay private.

I'm, uh...

I'm your boyfriend?

Well, we're dating.

It may not be exclusive, but even so...

You're just getting a little ahead of yourself, don't you think, child?

If I was your boyfriend, you'd know.

You'd be doing my laundry,

making me dinner every night.

I don't see you doing that, sugar-pop.

You think you're funny.

Rule number two.

When it comes to us,

I do not want to be hearing from the peanut gallery,

which includes Clarice, Clevant, Oprah

and whoever else you have stored in there.

Claire...

could we be exclusive?

Well...

I suppose we could try.

In that case, I quit.

- What?
- I can't work for my girlfriend.

Can you get me reassigned?

Well, we tell everyone who comes to Better tomorrows

that self-control, not indulgence, is the path to grace.

Huh!

What exactly does that mean?

Same-sex attraction is a pernicious disorder.

Reparative therapy will give a patient the tools to maintain his sobriety,

but he has to want to change.

Frankly, Mr. Brown didn't try hard enough.

We didn't fail him.

He failed himself.

How long has your exciting and revolutionary rehabilitation facility been open,

if I may ask?

We started with our first discipleship program in 1974.

Now we have several ministry houses throughout New England.

And this treatment works?

One third of our patients go on to have long-term heterosexual relationships.

One third show significant improvement,

while still engaging occasionally in inappropriate relations.

And the final third?

I'm afraid they show no improvement

and continue to engage in homosexual behavior.

But they have the decency to hate themselves for it.

Objection. Badgering.

No, wait. She's our badger.

Overruled.

Are you licensed by the state?

We're a faith-based initiative.

Is that a "no"?

We are not licensed.

Are you endorsed by the American psychiatric association?

Regretfully, in 1973,

the American psychiatric association bowed to pressure from the homosexual lobby

and declared that same-sex attraction was not a mental disorder.

We consider ourselves one of the last bulwarks against the homosexual tide.

You took $40,000 from this man

and represented to him that you would cure him of being gay.

And we would have,

had he maintained the discipline and the faith.

He kept up neither.

I'm sorry. Have we won yet?

Mr. Shore!

We're making a big mistake, you know.

Which one are you referring to?

There isn't just one America.

There's at least two, maybe more.

There's your America,

where people are tolerant, progressive,

open-minded about alternative lifestyles.

Then there's the other one,

the one that thinks homosexuality is a disease,

the one that elects presidents.

There are more people than you think in that other America, Alan.

We need to try this case in that country.

I first began to have sexual urges watching football,

especially during goal-line stands.

I sought out Better tomorrows.

They helped me.

I thought it absurd, quite frankly,

the idea of curing sexual predilections.

But Better tomorrows, by getting me to recommit myself to my faith, my family,

I absolutely did rid myself of any gay urges.

I suppose it was a little like my alcoholism,

which I also beat.

The first four months were hard,

but it got easier.

I never think of men now.

Oh, my god. The idea totally repulses me.

A sexual assault is traumatic.

I realize that. Of course I do.

Well, if you can lessen your daughter's pain, why wouldn't you?

It works on the brain.

For God sakes, the idea that you just take a pill

every time something bad happens...

That's bad?

It's called life, and you can't just erase the bad parts.

Why not?

Our best artists are informed by their pain.

Our greatest heroes are born out of adversity.

Certainly, if the trauma affects your life, treat it,

either behaviorally or with medication.

But some miracle amnesia pill,

so you have no memory of bad things,

what kind of brave new world are we entering into?

When Michelle was born, you vaccinated her against polio, didn't you?

- Yes.
- The measles?

Of course.

You gave her a PDT shot?

Those are known diseases.

So is post-traumatic stress disorder.

She may not develop PTSD.

She didn't have whooping cough, but you still gave her a shot.

'cause you preemptively wanted to protect her

as any good mother would.

Now you have the chance to protect her from a potentially life-threatening disorder

by simply giving her this pill in a timely matter.

I just don't agree with it.

I'm sorry.

Well, as your daughter suggested,

how about we let it be her choice,

since it's her life we're talking about?

Is it just me, or are you getting your clock cleaned?

Okay, so, um...

how do I say this?

Just say it.

Just out of curiosity, what do you want the answer to be?

My curiosity trumps yours.

What are the results, Denise?

It's yours.

Oh, my god.

Have you thought about schools?

Not just yet.

What's going on?

The results are back.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And?

And... it's Brad's. You're off the hook.

What a relief.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

And you, of course. Congratulations.

We are sure it's yours?

It's likely.

Well, congratulations again.

A catastrophic flood, a man is on his roof.

The floodwaters rise,

inching closer to his heels as he clings to the chimney.

A rowboat passes.

"Get in my rowboat or you'll certainly drown," says the man in the boat.

"No, God will save me," answers the man on the roof.

A motorboat passes.

"Get in or you'll certainly drown."

"No," says the man on the roof,

"God will save me."

Now a helicopter flies over and the pilot shouts,

"climb up this ladder to me or you'll certainly drown."

"No, God will save me."

And the helicopter flies off, and the man drowns.

And when the man gets to heaven,

he says, "Lord, why didn't you save me?"

And God says,

"I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, a helicopter."

Now judge Brown is the man on the roof, drowning,

waiting for a miracle, dismissing practical solutions.

My client gave him the tools, the guidelines, the map

to achieve the goal, to be cured, to be rescued.

Judge Brown rejected those tools that had worked for so many.

And now he asks the justice system to punish my client,

when all my client did was see the flood and send the boat.

What are you doing?

Climbing on my soapbox, judge. I do it once a week.

Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore.

You sure?

This is vintage soapbox stuff.

You've got God, money, politics, homosexuality.

Has anyone ever heard of restless leg syndrome?

It's where you move your leg about in your sleep.

It's awful.

You may have it.

It may not keep you awake.

It doesn't really harm you in any way.

It may not bother you in the slightest, but nonetheless, it's awful.

The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so.

So they've invented a drug, and you simply must take it.

If you haven't heard of restless leg, by the way,

you probably have attention deficit disorder. Awful.

We've got a lot of drugs for that one.

You must take them.

You're depressed.

You're not sleeping enough.

You think you're shy,

but you've actually got a social anxiety disorder.

Weak stream, irritable bowel syndrome,

you people have all kinds of ailments you don't know about.

Luckily, we've got drugs for every one of them.

You must take them.

My colleague has a case involving a forgetting pill.

You can take that one to forget you ever had restless leg or irritable bowels.

Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?

Same-sex attraction disorder.

And what troubles me,

is why the folks in big pharmaceutical haven't invented a pill for this disease.

Clearly, they're in the business of selling sickness.

If there was a profit to be made, they would make it.

And with an estimated gay population of over ten million in the US alone,

there's certainly a big enough market.

Could it be that they can't cure it?

Well, not to worry.

If big pharmaceutical can't do it, maybe big religion can,

and they are.

They're the ones who have coined the term "same-sex attraction disorder."

It's a very good name.

Very important, a good name.

It's a crucial first step in disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population

and categorizing them as a disease.

It makes homosexuals seem less like people and more like the flu,

and with terrible, awful symptoms.

But curable.

And therefore, less concerning

when it comes to things like an individual's rights,

freedom, privacy, marriage.

Big religion is very concerned with marriage.

Big religion is the one filling the pockets of congress.

It actually got them to propose a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

Think about that.

A governmentally imposed systematic prejudice

against a class based on their sexual orientation.

Never mind that one of the most trusted evangelical advisors to the president

was himself having a homosexual affair on the side.

Never mind that one of our congressmen

was writing naughty e-mails to his teenage male pages.

It's just a disease, and I thought it was curable.

That's what they told me down at the church.

Well, you can legislate against it.

You can give it a clever name and treat people for it.

You can shut your eyes have sex with your wife

and pretend it all feels right.

You can join the church and swear to be celibate for the rest of your life.

You can drive around on a Saturday night with a baseball bat

and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet.

You can even come to this courtroom and testify

as to your new leaf and how well it's all working.

What a miracle.

My only response is, "give it time. We'll see."

Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client,

promising to cure him of his gayness.

Only in America, only in a country

that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice

against a class of people by proposing constitutional amendments.

God bless us all. Home of the brave!

Shame on you.

Couldn't you have at least offered a money-back guarantee

and thrown in a blender?

My filing system isn't that difficult.

I throw everything out.

- I can improve that.
- What's going on?

Clarence works for me now. Tell him why, Clarence.

Claire and I are involved.

Well, well, well.

Hey, listen.

I've had almost every daytime talk show hostess except the big one.

Do you think you could get your assistant to dress up

and come over to my office every once in a while?

Denny, he's a guy.

If he can pretend he's Oprah all day,

I should be able to buy it for two minutes.

But he's a guy.

Do I need to put you in rehab?

You're right.

Mr. Shore, your jury's back.

Ipods, cell phones, Google.

How odd were these concepts just a short time ago?

Now they're completely commonplace.

In five years, using propranolol to treat PTSD

might become commonplace too,

and we won't be having this argument.

But Michelle Cabot Levinson doesn't have five years.

She needs it now.

And we're not talking about some new drug that just came out of a lab.

It's been prescribed by doctors for nearly 50 years,

albeit for a different purpose.

It is undeniably safe

and so far seems very effective.

If this young girl had a life-threatening infection

and one of her parents wanted to deny her antibiotics,

we wouldn't hesitate.

This case is no different.

Michelle is at risk of a lifelong disability.

Why are we hesitating?

'Cause the research is still out

on whether or not this propranolol actually works,

to say nothing of what the long-term effects might be.

And the research is still coming in

on the dangers of suppressing memories, by the way,

but that's a whole other bag of emotional scarring.

But this case isn't about any of that.

This case is about what makes us who we are.

There are lots of answers,

but certainly one possible answer is

we are the sum of our experiences,

not just the good, not just the bad, but all of them.

If we can take a pill and forget parts of our personal histories,

who are we then?

When Arthur Hallam died, his best friend was shocked,

grief-stricken, utterly inconsolable.

But that best friend was the great English poet Tennyson,

who went on to write "in memoriam."

He immortalized his friend in verse

and gave us one of the greatest poems in the English language.

Imagine if Tennyson could have just taken a pill

and forgotten about the whole thing.

Did Tennyson have a bad experience with a rabbi?

Your honor, this girl is a teenager.

Yes, one who's looking to avoid post-traumatic distress.

If the drug works, why not let her have it, for god's sake?

'cause it's a form of mind control.

Our memories, our experiences, that's who we are.

Are we really prepared to turn that over to the drug companies, too?

I don't like the way that one on the left is looking at me.

That's the one with irritable bowels.

Madam Foreperson, has the jury reached its verdict?

Yes, judge.

We find for the plaintiff

and award compensatory damages in the amount of $40,000,

plus interest and punitive damages in the amount of $350,000.

Your honor, ask that the jury be polled for sexual orientation.

I'm sure that there is a congressional bill afoot

that would allow me to do so, counsel,

but it hasn't been enacted yet.

The verdict stands. We're adjourned.

The jury's free to go, and this case is officially over.

Please do not think that this entitles you to

any special favors from the bench.

Let's go, Alan. It's scotch time.

I first need to see a judge about a...

well, a special favor.

I'm gonna hate myself in the morning.

There are two morning-after pills you can take now,

one to forget this whole thing ever happened.

Of course, I suppose you should take that one second.

Hey.

Don't mean to nag you. Have you thought about schools yet?

You have to start applying early for these preschools,

or else you basically give up any chance of getting into a decent college.

Oh, what about the amnio? We should discuss that.

Um, Brad...

I'm not sure I'm going to have it.

What do you mean?

I mean... I don't know whether I'm going to have this child.

Denise, if you're thinking about what I think you're thinking about,

you can just forget it.

It's my decision to make, not yours.

Yes, the rights of the woman. Well, the child has rights as well.

- I'm not engaging in this discussion with you.
- And as the father, I'm gonna stand up for these rights.

- Brad!
- Let me tell you something, Denise.

No child who was aborted ever grew up to be anything.

I have an incredibly difficult decision to make.

I will not have you charging in my office quoting bumper stickers.

And I will not have you just decide.

If I have to get a restraining order against you,

I will do it.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is bad,

but brainwashing is bad, too.

And spinach is bad.

I'm not going to eat it.

Where was I?

Oh, I'm granting the TRO.

Propane will not be given to Michelle Cabot Levinson.

Thank you.

Thank you, Shirley.

Let's hope we did the right thing.

I think we did.

Alan...

I have a theory.

Maybe instead of mad cow,

somebody's been grinding up that forgetting pill

and putting it in my hamburger.

So I'll forget the bad thing they did to me,

and I won't seek revenge.

See? It's working already.

What are you doing on that thing?

I meant to climb on Bethany, but she wasn't on it.

This thing is intuitive, you know.

Which is great, 'cause I'm not.

Denny, you won the day again.

You reminded me of that other America out there.

Who teaches them their values?

Well... for fidelity and family,

we have, uh, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart.

For heterosexuality and keeping with God's will,

we have Ted Haggard.

For gambling, we have Bill Bennett, and for guns, Dick Cheney.

But to deny an entire class of people one of their basic individual freedoms...

Alan, you're talking about marriage,

an institution with sacred vows,

ones which we live up to almost 50% of the time.

It's a sanctity.

Even so, we've got millions of homosexuals in this country, for God's sake.

Most of them Republicans.

How do you feel about this issue, Denny?

I'm all for gay rights,

but letting them marry,

do we really want them to have children together?

I mean, two biologically gay parents?

Imagine what kind of an army we would have,

other than a happy one.

It's definitely mad cow.

But...

I believe, if we truly are a nation of human rights,

and I think we are,

we gotta walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

But the problem with gay rights, especially when it comes to marriage,

is we don't even talk the talk in this country, so the walk...

Ask me, there's only one real solution.

Tell me.

All those homosexuals,

they join the NRA, take over the gun lobby,

congress bends over and does whatever they want.

A gay gun lobby?

- It's the only answer.
- I like it.

Hey, you want to have a sleepover tonight?

I knew you'd go there.

We could watch a movie.

Every time I say something you agree with,

you trot out the sleepover idea.

It's sexual harassment.

- Popcorn?
- Not interested.

S'mores.

Old-fashioned graham crackers?

Is there anything else?

- "Guns of Navarone"?
- If you'd like.

Separate beds.

You bring the scotch.