All language subtitles for Boston Legal [3x13]

Previously on 'Boston legal'

Why do you smell of sex, Denise?

Is it Brad?

Did you tell anybody?

How could he possibly know?

What? / This time I detect
both Brad and Jeffrey.

What happened with Sandy?

She just didn't like me that way.

There will be women who do.

If Bethany's out,
I am hugely available.

Can I take you to dinner?

Well, actually, I'm getting on a plane.

- Where are you going?
- Hawaii.

Is it my mother?

Yes.

I hope I didn't hurt her.

Tell Bella she'd
better watch her back.

Denny!

Bella.

You look blue.

I've been attacked by vicious terrorists.

- Terrorists?
- Ecoterrorists.

You need to go to court and
get me a restraining order, Denny,

and I want it done today.

Bella, you look blue.

I am blue.

The COTA, coalition opposed to
the testing of animals,

they've been after me for years.

- Why?
- My company.

I own Plum cosmetics,
"makeup for the robust woman."

I don't use them.

I can tell.

They claim we experiment
on animals to test our products.

- Do you?
- Of course we do.

We have to ensure the makeup
is safe, for God's sake!

I have just had enough of these psycho,
animal-loving, liberal thugs!

- Damn.
- Denny, give me the gun.

It's mine.

Hey!

I want you both to get them.

I'm unavailable, Bella.
I apologize.

Why not?

'cause I have more fun things
to do than represent you. That's all.

Such as?

Uh, root canal.

Maybe I could stick something
really sharp in my eye,

the simple pleasures.

I want you and the other name partners
of this firm representing me.

I'm not representing you, Bella.

- Denny!
- One moment, cupcake.

Shirley!

Shirley, when the woman is unhappy,

the man is rarely satisfied.

I'll let you play with my gun.

Your gun goes off
too prematurely for me, Denny.

It always has.

Boston Legal
3x13. Dumping Bella

Vanessa...

you're wearing a yellow dress.

How could you tell?

It's lovely.

Thank you.

Could we get you to put your tongue
back in your mouth there, soldier?

Thank goodness we have you, Brad,
to keep track of our tongues.

Would you like a list of all the places
mine has been this week?

Perv.

Brad, not to start up trouble,

but you're not the only one.
You do realize that?

What are you talking about?

I'm sure you can figure it out.

You're not the only one.

I just got off the phone
with the DA's office.

They picked up a mister...

Steinkellner.

Yes, and while he is officially denying
that COTA painted you blue,

the coalition condones and supports it,
thinks you look good in a primary color

and is in fact calling for a second coat.

They're not gonna stop
until I'm dead.

You need to do something now.

I feel a wintry frost blowing my way.

Okay, I'll try to set up a meeting.

In the meantime,

maybe you could either try to
talk her off the ledge or push her over.

I heard that.

She's jealous 'cause I've aged better.

Bella, maybe those people aren't protesting
your cosmetics so much as you being you.

You might keep in mind
that should I marry Denny,

I'll have a stake in this firm.

Unless someone manages to drive
that stake through your heart,

small target that it is.

You want to adjourn to the powder room?

Bella, I'm the senior
partner in a law firm.

I sit on the board of
directors of a university,

two museums and a hospital.

I consider myself an intelligent,
civilized and dignified person.

All of which is to say that

if you and I were to
adjourn to the powder room,

I would kick your over-the-top ass.

I'm aroused.

May I speak with you?

Sure.

I was thinking about what you said,

about how there will be women
out there who like me for me.

I said that?

I'm kidding.

Of course those women
are out there,

lots of women, Clarence.

I was wondering, uh...

whether you...

might be one of them.

Gee, I wonder where Clarence
could have gone.

Take off the bag, Clarence.

Am I fired?

No, you work for me.

I'm willing to quit
if it affects your decision.

I don't want you to quit.

And I'd love to go out with you.

- Really?
- Really.

I need to go to the bathroom right now.

Men's room, Clarence.

Um, Mr. Crane?

My name is, uh, Matthew Steinkellner.

You wanted to see me?

You're the man who attacked Bella?

No, I've never attacked anybody, okay?

There must be some mistake.

You made it, son.

Here's a piece of advice.

Your group needs to stop
targeting Bella Horowitz.

I say this not only out of concern
for her life, but for yours.

I'm, I'm sorry.
That sounds like a threat.

I mean, is that legal for attorneys
to make threats like that?

Here's another piece of advice.

Always have your lawyer with you.

That way, when I deny having said
something, which I typically do,

you'll have a witness.

Well, actually...

I will mop up the courtroom
floor with you, you fat old man.

What's going on here?

Well, well, well.

Princess Hideous.

She's representing the man
who painted you blue.

You got a problem with that?

Bethany, no matter what
our differences, sweetheart,

I certainly never brought you up
to represent terrorists.

This has nothing to do with
who I'm defending, queenie.

This is about who I'm going after.

Come on, Matthew.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Where's Shirley, Denny?

They just left for court.

What's going on?

What is going on is your presence
is hereby requested,

check that, required at our office
costume party this Thursday night.

A costume party?

I have taken the liberty
of hiring a consultant

for the purpose of improving office morale.

Evidently, costume parties are gold.

Moreover, I want each of
you to dress up

as somebody whose values or strengths
you like to imbue yourselves with.

Where's the fun in that
if we all come dressed as you?

The point is to reveal a little
of yourself to your coworkers,

and I am serious about this.

I want you all to make an effort.

This is so high school.

As opposed to you and Jeffrey
slugging it out in the men's room?

- I won.
- Did not.

Shut up.

There's some morale.

You will all be there in costume,
no exceptions.

That is all.

- Denise, can I ask you something?
- Sure.

Are you sleeping with anybody else?

Uh, first of all,
that's a personal question.

Well, you're sleeping with me,
so I thought I should...

You and I have an arrangement.
No exclusivity, no...

Fine, but there are safety concerns.

You can assume that
any sex I am having is safe,

not that I'm having any of it
separate and apart from you.

Are you sleeping with
somebody else in this office?

- I'm not having this conversation.
- Denise, I will not be made a fool of.

Are you sleeping with
somebody else in this office?

If you no longer want
to sleep with me, that's fine.

I'll miss it, but I'm not
answering these questions.

He may deny that he did it,

but he's behind it.

His little group has been harassing me
and my company for years,

and now he's hired my own daughter
to further aggravate me.

Objection. I agreed to
aggravate you for free.

Hold on. I don't allow people to play out
family problems in my courtroom.

Just what is it you want from me?

I want a restraining order keeping
that man's flock of protesters away from me.

They carry their placards
outside my corporate headquarters.

They say that we kill
and torture animals.

They verbally assault anybody
going in or out of our building.

I'm losing business.

I'm losing clients.
I'm losing employees.

I mean, enough is enough.

Thank you, Bella.

She's all yours, my little friend.

The truth is, you do kill
and torture animals, do you not?

We test our products on animals, yes,

but it is to save human lives.

Oh, you're a humanitarian?

Hold on just one second.

Are you a midget?

Are you an imbecile?

- Uh, objection.
- Sustained.

Your company uses rabbits?

Like many do.

You lock them in stocks
so just their heads stick out.

You clip their eyelids open
and pour chemicals into their eyes,

while they're left there for two weeks
to experience ulceration,

bleeding and massive iris deterioration.

Your honor, the rabbits like it.

Do you not subject these animals
to excruciating pain?

The rabbits, which are
from the rodent family,

do experience some discomfiture,
but once again,

it is to save human suffering.

And what's human suffering to you,

going without blush?

- Objection.
- Overruled.

- Objection.
- Sustained.

Sometimes the rabbits break their
own necks trying to escape.

You're saying that my client doesn't
have the right to protest that?

You're saying you do all this
to be humane?

Well, I guess people can justify
all types of bad behavior,

can't they, Bella?

It's getting ugly.

Denny Crane ugly.

So what gave you the nerve
to ask me out?

Oh, I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Well, it seemed we both have
a lot in common.

Such as?

Well...

we both kind of have shells.

Mine's Clarice or Oprah.

Yours, you just have a regular
old hard shell to protect yourself.

Who hurt you?

Nobody.

I'm just a tough New York broad.

Who hurt you?

Well, for starters, my father.

He abused you?

Not sexually but physically.

And you're the first person
I've ever told that to,

outside of a few who charge
by the hour to listen.

Who hurt you?

Oh, I don't remember.

My mother says I was bullied in preschool.

And I either blocked it out,
or I just don't remember.

I do remember I grew up with
a lot of imaginary friends.

I never felt lonely alone,
but with people...

Do you stay in touch?

I'm sorry?

With your imaginary friends.

Uh, well, uh, some.

We have reunions.

Am I too weird?

You're just weird enough.

It's Coho, isn't it?

I beg your pardon?

You're having sex with Jeffrey Coho.

The only part of my sex life

that is any of your business
is the part that involves you.

Just tell me if it's him.

Denise, everything all right?

You look a little overextended.

I'm sure there's a long,
very complicated answer,

but what is your problem?

You're right.

It's a...

long, very complicated answer.

I had a wonderful time.
He's a great guy.

Isn't he a little tender for you?

I like tender.
Just 'cause I'm not doesn't mean...

Hey! You got a sec?

I guess.

Listen, I realize
we're not exactly friends.

Yeah, I was hoping to make
progress at the costume party.

Yeah, could you step into the closet?

Excuse me?

I want to have a conversation
with you in private.

Just step into the closet, please.

I didn't know you were out
of the closet, Brad.

Are you and Denise having
intimate relations?

Why would you ask me that?

- Are you?
- Are you?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Answer my question, please.

I will not answer your question.

Do you know what wildfire ink is, Jeff?

It's a chemical used to find certain
evidence under ultraviolet light, Brad.

You get a gold star.

It also lights up when it's
mixed with certain types of oils,

some of which are very difficult
to get off your hands.

Excellent.

I'm sure that would be
very interesting if I cared.

I rubbed some of those oils
on Denise's hands.

Excuse me?

This is a portable ultraviolet light.

Do you have anything
you'd like to tell me, Jeff?

Only that you're insane, Brad.

I'm gonna turn off the light
to the closet.

Let's see if Denise's hands
have been anywhere near you.

I take that back.

You're really insane.

This is awkward.

You don't like animal testing?

COTA is against animal cruelty
of any kind...

You paint people blue?

But somebody else beat us to Bella.

- The protest at my client's company?
- That was us.

You throw blood on people wearing furs.

Uh, it's, uh, dye, but point taken.

People wearing synthetic furs.

Well, they promote the fashion.

- People who eat meat.
- Slaughterhouses.

- Leather.
- An animal's hide.

- Wool.
- Same.

- Football?
- Skin of a pig.

- Cancer research?
- Oh, come on!

This case doesn't involve cancer research.

She tortures rabbits
to make a better mascara.

What the hell is going on here?

What's going on is that we're
both in love with the same man.

It's not you, judge.

I am not in love with him.

Silence! I'm very confused.

You know what bothers me
about this case, Denny?

That you've come between
a mother and a daughter.

I know.

It was always such a fantasy.

You've got the power
to settle this, you know.

I don't think so.

Bella would sue me for malpractice
if I counseled her to drop the case now.

Why?

'cause I'm getting ready
to drop Bella.

Really? But she's so sweet.

I can't shake Bethany.

Maybe it's that tight little ass,

those big breasts, normal-size head.

Why is it men become such fools
over the normal-size head?

I'm getting ready to drop
the big one for the little one.

It's gonna get ugly, Shirley.

Denny Crane ugly.

Now I'm intrigued.

So what's the answer?

When I was a sophomore in high school,

I attended my very first dance.

There was this girl standing
across the dance floor

wearing a yellow dress.

She was so beautiful.

I didn't have the courage
to ask her to dance,

perhaps for fear of the long, lonely walk back
across the gym floor after being refused.

I finally willed myself to go ask,

and then suddenly she was gone
in a fleeting second.

She must have left.

I began to imagine
what she must have been like.

Her laugh, certainly her kiss.

I still know exactly
what that feels like...

though I've never felt it.

She's been a figment for 29 years,

an imagined standard by which

all other women seem to
have fallen terribly short.

How could they not
after I've individualized her

with every quality I so long for?

I've never met the girl
in the yellow dress.

Seeing you, I guess, it just.

Here I am, revealing a little of myself
even before the costume party.

How dare you?
Rubbing me with chemicals?

When I choose a restaurant,
I like to know who else eats there.

Whoo!

Way to a man's heart.

You ever try blindsiding him
in the kidneys?

Bella, we're supposed to be in court.

Denny's already left.

Yes, I was hoping
to grab you for a second.

By the throat?

Ick. Too much dead tissue.

What do you want, Bella?

I think you probably know
I don't like you.

There have been signs.

Well, the reason is 'cause I've always
known how much Denny loved you.

He never loved me that way,

but I seem to be making progress.

Anyway...

Denny holds you in a light that...

well, Shirley, it's,
it's this simple.

Denny still seeks your approval.

I would be forever grateful

if you would approve of me.

I love him, Shirley,

more than anything.

You have got to be kidding me.

I'm sorry, Ms. Simms,

but the New York Yankees take
pride in being very humorless.

I say that off the record, of course.

I simply cannot allow you to display
their logo without approval,

for which I'll need a written request.

What's going on?

This little peanut somehow found out...

My name is Mr. Prig.

This Mr. Prig somehow found out that
I got a Yankees costume for our party.

He's threatening to enjoin me
from wearing it.

We take ourselves very seriously.

What if I do wear it?

Well, now that you have notice,

we could avail ourselves
of punitive damages,

and I'm a very punitive little prig.

Look here, you little gnome,

you need to busy yourself
with something important,

like buying up the best players
on the free agent market,

so you can win championships,

keep your pompous asses all buffed,

allow your fans to feel good
about themselves,

even though most of them
can't spell and have mug shots!

What did I say about Clarice
coming in here?

Sorry, he seemed to be picking on you,
and she just took over.

I don't want her to take over,

as your boss and especially
as your girlfriend.

What?

Are you...

are you my girlfriend?

Um...

My client isn't protesting against
a doctor trying to cure AIDS here.

He isn't singling out a hunter
trying to provide food for his family.

He's going after a billion-dollar
cosmetics company

that tortures rabbits
in the name of makeup.

There are all kinds of
alternative testing methods

and thousands of ingredients
that can be safely used

to make the same products
without hurting animals.

Revlon does it.
Avon, Clinique,

but not big Bella.

She just doesn't care.

We try to pass ourselves off
as a compassionate people, your honor.

We prioritize kindness

as one of the most important values
to instill in our children.

Integrity is another.

Where is either in making animals suffer
in the name of our personal vanity?

At some point, people have to stand up

and say, "this is wrong."

That man and his coalition
stand up every day.

My God.

The question can't always be,
"how much money do we want to make?"

It should be,
"who do we want to be?"

We're a funny people, your honor.

We have all these feel-good
movies about animals,

whether it be "Old Yeller"
or saving the whales

or penguins marching off
to wherever they march to.

I must admit, I didn't get
my academy screener on that one.

And every May, we drink mint juleps

and dress up in fancy cloth
and wear silly hats

as Thoroughbred are led out
like royalty for the Kentucky derby.

My God, we treat them
with such reverence.

Never mind that a 2-year-old
Thoroughbred's bones

aren't fully developed enough
to withstand such a pounding,

and we certainly don't talk about how,
after they stop competing,

many racehorses are slaughtered.

Does she kill horses?

No, she doesn't, judge.

Then what's your point?

My point is, despite our
proclaimed love of animals,

they really exist for
our amusement, our pleasure,

whether it be the caged ones in zoos,

the cooked ones on our plate,

the ones we make sick
so we don't have to be.

Miss Horowitz thinks that we
should draw the line somewhere.

I agree, but at vanity?

This is America the beautiful,

land of the breast, cheek
and hair implants,

where we surgically suck fat
from our guts,

cut open our faces and stretch them
halfway up to our crowns,

inject our lips with collagen.

During the holidays, we give
gift certificates for laser peels.

I can see you've had yours.

And makeup...

dear God in heaven,
makeup is how we pull it off.

Without it, my client would look
like Jerry Lewis.

I still don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

I'm simply saying that we,

as a people, as a nation,
like to feel pretty.

It's who we are.

And if it means a few young rabbits
have to sacrifice their lives,

well, they and their families
can take heart,

'cause they did so for their country.

'cause when you think about it,

all we can really hope for
at this point is to save face.

Did that help?

She tanked it on purpose.

I did not tank it.

That speech was against me.

Why didn't you tell me
she was a communist?

I thought you knew.

Alan, coming to the party tonight?

You know how I relish the chance
to try out a new frock.

There's a rumor you'll be in mine.

Hmm, I would love that.

Size 8?

Alan, you will not dress up
as me tonight.

Shirley, we've been instructed
to choose somebody we admire.

That leaves you and
dog the bounty hunter.

You will not dress up as me.

Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella.

I'm not good when it comes
to breaking up with women.

I'm too soft.

Denny, you shoot people.

I thought of that,

but it would be illegal,
except in Florida.

You're going to have to dump
her yourself. I'm sorry.

Alan, at least help me
win back Bethany.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

I just really needed to know.

Why?

'cause...

of all people, why him?

Actually, he's a pretty
decent guy, Brad.

Denise, I don't think I'm modern enough
to handle this "friends with benefits" thing.

So I think I'm just going to
have to beg out of this arrangement.

Okay?

Okay.

First of all,
I will say for the record,

I don't believe in all that moisturizer,
botox, fountain-of-youth poppycock.

Oh, please, judge.

How else could you look
like you do at 100?

Uh, I am ordering Mr. Steinkellner
and his coalition

to stay at least 100 feet away
from Ms. Horowitz, the regular-sized one.

As for protesting
at her place of business,

if it's a public area,
he may do so.

This is still a moderately free country.

Adjourned.

I am not happy.

Well, they won't be able
to paint you blue, Bella.

Uh, I've, I've got something to say.

What's going on?

Uh, uh, you once said that

if it wasn't over for Bethany and me,
you wouldn't, uh, want...

Bethany isn't over for me,

not in my heart.

Denny, she...
she hates your guts.

Yeah, but the thing is,
I don't hate hers.

Oh.

Well...

if, uh, my daughter's
in your heart, it's, uh,

not a mother's place to...

Oh, I'm sorry, Bella.

I know you won't believe this but,

I actually do place
her happiness above my own.

I wish you both the best.

Please don't hurt her, Denny.

I didn't have to shoot her.

So you won?

Still undefeated.

And Bella?

She took it like the man she is.

But now comes the tough part.

Denny, under what pretext
is Bethany coming in?

Oh, I told her I had a settlement offer
in lieu of an appeal.

I really think you're capable
of handling this yourself.

Just speak from your heart.

It's just that it's been
so long since I've done that.

What's the offer?

Bethany...

this is not so much
about settling the case

as it is settling you and me.

What are you talking about?

I dumped your mother.

You dumped Bella?

'Cause I can't get over you.

Too little, too late.

Bethany...

We all make mistakes.

Too often, people are judged
by those mistakes.

I think the true measure
of a man lies...

lies in his willingness
to right his wrongs.

I love you, Bethany.

So will you join me at a party tonight?

Costumes.
You'll have fun.

And you can pretend
that you still like me.

Shirley...

you won.

I'm, uh, surprised, to be honest.

Well, rabbits are part
of the rodent family.

Who are you supposed to be,
Phyllis Diller?

I'm Albert Einstein.

Who are you?

Diane Sawyer.

You were expecting Bill O'Reilly?

Paul, at first I thought
this was a stupid idea,

but I've got to tip my hat to you.

Jennifer Aniston?

Hello. Isn't it obvious?

Well, the prop was a giveaway.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Oh, my God.

Denny, it's supposed to be
someone you admire.

Anybody who can blast
his friend in the face

and get him to take the rap
for it is my kind of citizen.

Oh, damn thing.

Uh, Denny, there, there's a rumor

that you're gonna be showing up
with an old flame tonight.

I did.

Danny Devito, right?

You got a problem with that?

To infinity and beyond!

Dick Cheney, Buzz lightyear,
all the superheroes.

Indeed.

I must say, Shirley,

being in the Lennon Sisters'
dress was a thrill,
������ �Ͼ�����

but this, this is the pinnacle.

I expressly asked you
not to dress up as me.

Which is why I dressed as the doll.

To infinity and...

Take off that costume, sport.

You take yours off.

I'm Buzz lightyear here.
Ask anybody.

I've always been Buzz.

Take it off.

- Hey!
- I've had enough of him!

Now you two are not gonna
ruin this party.

Take it outside, both of you.

- After you.
- Okay.

Come on, outside!

Go on now.

Care to dance with me, child?

Oh, no.

What?

Who doesn't admire Oprah?

Maybe I should have come
as Tom Cruise.

We can go home and
jump on your couch.

I didn't buy that
the first time, honey.

We dancing?

I'll dance with Clarence.

He's in here.

Hold me tight enough,
you'll feel him.

Wow. Let's go.

Good idea, Paul.

People seem to be very festive.

Well, thank you, Alan.

What's it like being Shirley?

The thong is a little uncomfortable.

Don't be leading now.

It's always Oprah's show, honey.

Sorry.

Clarence...

no Oprah for a second, okay?

Please.

Okay.

I really like you.

I like you, too.

So it's a yes with Bethany?
She's back?

She's still mixed.

But...

Well, was she at all tender tonight?

About what you'd expect
from Danny Devito.

Rule of thumb, Alan.

The way to a woman's heart
is not through her mother's privates.

I'll write that down.

Anyway, um...

Bethany is gone for the night.

You're not getting in this outfit.

We could go for a quiet drink somewhere.

We're having a quiet drink right here.

I'm driving you
absolutely crazy, aren't I?

If you had any idea how you look...

Shirley was the one, Alan.

One night, while making love,

she recited Proust to me.

- Did you understand it?
- Not a word.

I thought she was possessed.

- You're not Buzz!
- I've always been buzz!

Look at those two.

I'm Buzz!

Love us or hate us,
there's no other place like us.

Here's to that.

Forget it.

Just one dance.

Let me waltz down memory lane.

One dance if you'll drop it.

Fine.

And you'd better respect me.

Do I really remind you of Shirley?

Except some of the lumps
are in the wrong place.

The lump you refer to is your own.

Imagine people looking out their window

seeing Dick Cheney and Shirley Schmidt
dancing on the balcony.

What must they be thinking?

Well, if they're regular viewers,
they know by now, anything goes.

Yes, it does.

Is that a rental?

Shut up! I rented first.

You look like an idiot!

Take it off!