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[♪♪♪♪♪]
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♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
3
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♪ Tell me why ♪
4
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♪ I love you like I do ♪
5
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♪ Tell me who ♪
6
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♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪
7
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♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪
8
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♪ I'll tell you Most of mine ♪
9
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♪ They say Nobody's perfect ♪
10
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♪ Well, that's really
true This time ♪
11
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♪ 'Cause I don't
have The answers ♪
12
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♪ I don't have a plan ♪
13
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♪ All I have is you ♪
14
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♪ So, baby Help me understand ♪
15
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♪ What we do ♪
16
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♪ You can whisper In my ear ♪
17
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,601
♪ Where we go ♪
18
00:00:44,738 --> 00:00:47,220
♪ Who knows what
happens After here? ♪
19
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♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪
20
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♪ And jump into ♪
21
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,944
♪ The final frontier ♪
22
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♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
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♪ Final frontier ♪
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♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
25
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♪ Final frontier ♪
26
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[♪♪♪♪♪]
27
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I blame my parents.
28
00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:24,732
I've been engaged four
times to three different men,
29
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and if you're doing the math,
30
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:29,179
that's a lot of angry people.
31
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First there was this guy,
32
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then were was this guy,
33
00:01:34,144 --> 00:01:36,350
and then there was this guy.
34
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And you remember this
gentleman from the first photo.
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Leave a guy at the
altar once, and it stings.
36
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The second time,
apparently highly destructive.
37
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How you like me so far?
38
00:01:48,004 --> 00:01:49,210
[SIGHS]
39
00:01:49,348 --> 00:01:52,175
Let's begin, shall we, with
a story that has become
40
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almost folklore in my family.
41
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It was 1999, so I'm 1,
42
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and it's my parents'
anniversary.
43
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So what do you want to do?
44
00:02:01,311 --> 00:02:02,346
I'm totally open.
45
00:02:02,484 --> 00:02:05,207
A concert or theater or
maybe a fancy dinner.
46
00:02:05,345 --> 00:02:06,794
What says anniversary?
47
00:02:06,931 --> 00:02:08,345
[SPLURT]
48
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Certainly not that.
49
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,000
Ew!
50
00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:13,448
Honey, look up
for me, won't you?
51
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Is there a hawk or an
ostrich of some sort?
52
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Whoa.
53
00:02:18,688 --> 00:02:20,032
Oh, paint! I'm so happy.
54
00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:21,205
Hey, we know you.
55
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Hey.
56
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:23,342
Hey!
57
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:24,342
Paul and Jamie, right?
58
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Yeah, Larry, right? Lenny.
59
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,446
Lenny. Right.
60
00:02:27,583 --> 00:02:29,703
This is so wild. You know,
it's our anniversary today.
61
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No, it is not.
62
00:02:30,893 --> 00:02:32,213
Yes, it is. Seven
years ago today.
63
00:02:32,341 --> 00:02:33,616
That is deeply ironic.
64
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:34,754
Oh. Well, come here.
65
00:02:34,823 --> 00:02:35,823
Look what we did.
66
00:02:35,858 --> 00:02:38,822
Look. Mabel, this nice man
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00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,477
married your daddy and me.
68
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Hello, small pretty person.
69
00:02:41,926 --> 00:02:44,925
Lenny, I tell you, your
wedding was so special to us...
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Just this secret
little ceremony.
71
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It really was.
72
00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:48,580
You're probably confused,
73
00:02:48,718 --> 00:02:50,303
but Lenny is also
an ordained minister.
74
00:02:50,442 --> 00:02:52,855
Now, Mabel, you know better
than to believe that, don't you?
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What do you mean?
76
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You guys know I'm not
really a minister, right?
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No.
78
00:02:58,164 --> 00:02:59,750
Well, okay.
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00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:00,991
I'm not.
80
00:03:01,129 --> 00:03:03,094
Well, how can that be? No. No.
81
00:03:03,232 --> 00:03:04,577
You... You said you were.
82
00:03:04,715 --> 00:03:07,990
Yeah. You happen to recall
where we had that discussion, Paul?
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00:03:08,128 --> 00:03:10,990
Yes, I do. We were
at my bachelor party.
84
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Uh-huh. So?
85
00:03:12,265 --> 00:03:14,161
We were at a strip club, man,
86
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drinking, carousing.
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00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:17,058
When I told that cute girl
88
00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,126
I was Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan,
89
00:03:19,264 --> 00:03:20,609
did you believe that, too?
90
00:03:20,746 --> 00:03:21,781
No, but...
91
00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:24,436
But... but later, when
we came to you...
92
00:03:24,574 --> 00:03:25,918
It seemed so important to you.
93
00:03:26,056 --> 00:03:27,918
I didn't have the
heart to let you down.
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00:03:28,056 --> 00:03:29,607
Yes, but...
95
00:03:29,745 --> 00:03:32,055
I knew you had the official
ceremony coming up anyway.
96
00:03:32,193 --> 00:03:34,055
Yes, but... okay, at
the official ceremony,
97
00:03:34,193 --> 00:03:36,192
we thought we were
already married by you.
98
00:03:36,330 --> 00:03:38,709
We didn't even fill out
the paperwork for that one.
99
00:03:38,847 --> 00:03:41,536
Didn't even... You know what
we wrote on the certificate?
100
00:03:41,674 --> 00:03:43,087
"Lois Lane marries
Humpty Dumpty."
101
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Funny.
102
00:03:44,571 --> 00:03:46,122
Funny not the point, really.
103
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,777
We're... we're not married now.
104
00:03:48,915 --> 00:03:50,432
Sorry.
105
00:03:50,570 --> 00:03:52,776
You've invalidated our
entire marriage now.
106
00:03:52,914 --> 00:03:54,914
Sorry.
107
00:03:55,051 --> 00:03:57,740
You've made our
daughter illegitimate now.
108
00:03:57,878 --> 00:03:59,913
Sorry.
109
00:04:01,395 --> 00:04:02,464
So...
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00:04:02,602 --> 00:04:06,808
I'm the bastard
child of idiot parents.
111
00:04:06,945 --> 00:04:08,567
My therapist tells me...
112
00:04:08,704 --> 00:04:10,325
Yes, I'm in therapy...
113
00:04:10,462 --> 00:04:14,358
That in my parents'
defense, they sought help...
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00:04:14,497 --> 00:04:16,944
a lotof help.
115
00:04:18,599 --> 00:04:20,357
Paul and Jamie...
116
00:04:20,496 --> 00:04:22,943
I don't know if you've
been keeping track,
117
00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:25,908
but this is your
1,000th therapy session.
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00:04:26,046 --> 00:04:27,046
Is that true?
119
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Yes, it is.
120
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Dear God.
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00:04:30,494 --> 00:04:32,528
Wow, 1,000th.
122
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Wow, so that's...
That's like, uh...
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10 glorious years.
124
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:38,802
No, no, I know, but that...
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00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:41,009
$116,000.
126
00:04:43,526 --> 00:04:44,836
Dear God. Mm-hmm.
127
00:04:44,974 --> 00:04:46,870
But I digress.
128
00:04:47,008 --> 00:04:49,318
How can we not be married?
129
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,904
Yecch.
130
00:04:51,042 --> 00:04:53,593
Our entire marriage is a lie.
131
00:04:53,731 --> 00:04:55,041
It's not a lie.
132
00:04:55,179 --> 00:04:57,317
Yes, it is. For the
last seven years,
133
00:04:57,455 --> 00:04:59,799
we have not been what
we thought we were.
134
00:04:59,937 --> 00:05:02,420
Our whole universe is
based on a false foundation.
135
00:05:02,558 --> 00:05:03,729
Doesn't that bother you?
136
00:05:03,867 --> 00:05:05,005
Aw, man. What?
137
00:05:05,143 --> 00:05:06,349
I asked for onions.
138
00:05:06,488 --> 00:05:09,004
They gave me sprouts.
When I tell someone
139
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,142
my husband will be
back at 6:00, it's a lie.
140
00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:12,279
I'll be back at 6:00.
141
00:05:12,314 --> 00:05:14,072
Yes, but you're not my husband.
142
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:15,245
[BUZZER]
143
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:18,451
All right, good. So
stop yelling at me, then.
144
00:05:21,347 --> 00:05:22,347
We'll take it.
145
00:05:22,381 --> 00:05:23,416
I'm sorry?
146
00:05:23,554 --> 00:05:25,139
Your apartment.
It's listed for rent.
147
00:05:25,277 --> 00:05:26,450
It's what?
148
00:05:26,588 --> 00:05:28,898
This is our apartment,
but it's a mistake.
149
00:05:29,036 --> 00:05:30,553
Oh. So you're not leaving.
150
00:05:30,691 --> 00:05:32,242
BOTH: No. You're staying.
151
00:05:32,380 --> 00:05:33,449
Uh-huh. Yes.
152
00:05:33,586 --> 00:05:34,759
Good, then.
153
00:05:34,897 --> 00:05:36,724
Yes, well, what a relief.
154
00:05:37,759 --> 00:05:39,206
Right, then.
155
00:05:39,344 --> 00:05:40,378
Come, Hal.
156
00:05:40,516 --> 00:05:41,689
Yes.
157
00:05:41,827 --> 00:05:43,895
See you in the halls.
158
00:05:46,205 --> 00:05:47,481
Nice, huh? Honey.
159
00:05:47,619 --> 00:05:49,739
All right, here's what we'll
do. Here's what we'll do.
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00:05:49,859 --> 00:05:52,204
We'll go down to city hall,
we'll... We'll get married,
161
00:05:52,342 --> 00:05:55,445
sign our regular thing, and
bing-bang-boom, problem solved.
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00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:56,445
When? When what?
163
00:05:56,583 --> 00:05:57,720
When are we getting married?
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00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,858
Whenever you want.
Thursday afternoon.
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00:05:59,996 --> 00:06:01,926
Friday in the morning, I'm good.
166
00:06:02,064 --> 00:06:02,926
No, it has to be today.
167
00:06:03,064 --> 00:06:04,064
Why?
168
00:06:04,099 --> 00:06:05,443
Because today's our anniversary.
169
00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:06,994
I want to keep the
same anniversary.
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00:06:07,132 --> 00:06:09,098
All right, so let's go.
171
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,408
Ask me.
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00:06:15,477 --> 00:06:17,441
All right.
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00:06:17,579 --> 00:06:19,234
Can we go?
174
00:06:21,544 --> 00:06:23,061
Ask me to marry you.
175
00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:24,854
Oh.
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00:06:24,991 --> 00:06:26,509
Will you marry me?
177
00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:29,095
These are the people
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00:06:29,232 --> 00:06:31,508
that prepared me to
go out into the world.
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00:06:33,163 --> 00:06:34,921
You see, Mabel,
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00:06:35,059 --> 00:06:36,645
sweetheart...
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00:06:36,783 --> 00:06:40,127
boys and girls are different.
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00:06:40,265 --> 00:06:41,575
Girls have...
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00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,023
um...
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00:06:45,161 --> 00:06:46,505
boys have...
185
00:06:48,402 --> 00:06:51,022
uh, boys and girls, um...
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00:06:52,504 --> 00:06:53,366
Honey.
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00:06:53,504 --> 00:06:57,331
See, Mabel, when a man...
188
00:06:57,470 --> 00:06:58,779
loves a woman...
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00:06:58,917 --> 00:07:02,607
he... he can't keep his
mind on nothin' else.
190
00:07:02,744 --> 00:07:07,606
He'd trade the world for
the good thing he's found.
191
00:07:07,744 --> 00:07:09,433
If she's bad,
192
00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:11,328
he can't see it.
193
00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:12,983
She can do no wrong.
194
00:07:13,121 --> 00:07:14,570
Honey.
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00:07:14,707 --> 00:07:17,604
Let us get back to you.
196
00:07:17,742 --> 00:07:19,258
MABEL: My parents actually did
197
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,293
a great deal of family planning.
198
00:07:21,431 --> 00:07:23,086
So let me get this straight.
199
00:07:23,223 --> 00:07:24,706
They cut his pee-pee?
200
00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:27,533
No, not the pee-pee, inside
the pee-pee, way inside.
201
00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:28,705
Oh, God.
202
00:07:28,843 --> 00:07:30,016
It's not that bad.
203
00:07:30,153 --> 00:07:32,636
The doctor said that within
36 hours of the vasectomy,
204
00:07:32,773 --> 00:07:34,808
he'll have total sensation
in his groin again.
205
00:07:34,946 --> 00:07:35,808
Isn't that something?
206
00:07:35,946 --> 00:07:38,083
Poor Paul's pee-pee.
207
00:07:38,221 --> 00:07:39,910
It's wayinside.
208
00:07:40,048 --> 00:07:41,462
Oh, God.
209
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,531
Look, we gave
this a lot of thought,
210
00:07:43,669 --> 00:07:45,427
and I decided that
one kid is enough,
211
00:07:45,564 --> 00:07:46,564
morethan enough.
212
00:07:46,668 --> 00:07:47,702
Thank you.
213
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,219
I mean, where is it written
214
00:07:49,357 --> 00:07:50,839
that every child
must have a sibling?
215
00:07:50,977 --> 00:07:52,425
Well, where would you be? What?
216
00:07:52,563 --> 00:07:55,114
I mean, if mom and dad stopped
with me, there wouldn't be you,
217
00:07:55,252 --> 00:07:58,114
and I wouldn't have had a little
sister to play with and dress up
218
00:07:58,252 --> 00:07:59,532
and magic marker the walls with,
219
00:07:59,666 --> 00:08:01,320
and no matter what happens,
220
00:08:01,459 --> 00:08:04,182
always be my friend and love me.
221
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:09,043
You know, the
procedure is reversible.
222
00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:13,353
Mmmph.
223
00:08:13,491 --> 00:08:14,766
Hi, sweetie.
224
00:08:14,904 --> 00:08:15,732
Mmmph. Ay.
225
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,421
[GROANS]
226
00:08:24,455 --> 00:08:25,868
What's the matter?
227
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,488
I think we made a mistake.
228
00:08:30,626 --> 00:08:31,798
Really?
229
00:08:34,315 --> 00:08:37,038
My mother, the handful.
230
00:08:37,176 --> 00:08:40,659
We need to go halfway to the
end of Long Island to do this?
231
00:08:40,797 --> 00:08:42,831
The smaller the town,
the shorter the line.
232
00:08:42,968 --> 00:08:44,003
Next, please. See?
233
00:08:44,141 --> 00:08:47,382
Hello. Hi. How are
you? Just fine, thank you.
234
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,830
Uh, we'd like to get married.
235
00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:51,760
Oh, wonderful. Come to the
right spot. Heh-heh-heh. Yes, sir.
236
00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,450
Hello. Hi. How are you? Hello.
237
00:08:53,588 --> 00:08:54,795
Is this the lucky lady?
238
00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:55,933
This is her.
239
00:08:55,966 --> 00:08:57,450
Aw. Wonderful, isn't it?
240
00:08:57,587 --> 00:08:59,380
Okay. Well...
241
00:08:59,518 --> 00:09:01,794
looks like you're
all set here, so...
242
00:09:01,931 --> 00:09:04,448
Oh. Well, you have
the same last name.
243
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,896
Uh, yes, but they're
pronounced differently.
244
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:08,792
Buchman and Bwuchman.
245
00:09:08,930 --> 00:09:10,723
Yeah, so it's...
It's subtle, but...
246
00:09:10,861 --> 00:09:12,421
It's there. It's
there. It is, isn't it?
247
00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:13,619
Yes, that's...
248
00:09:13,757 --> 00:09:15,205
Isn't that wonderful? Uh-huh.
249
00:09:15,343 --> 00:09:18,100
What I'm gonna need from
you now is $10 American.
250
00:09:18,238 --> 00:09:20,066
You got it. Seems
like a reasonable thing.
251
00:09:20,204 --> 00:09:23,341
Ooh. You know what? I don't
even know if I have the cash on me.
252
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:24,479
I... Oop. Sorry.
253
00:09:24,548 --> 00:09:26,823
Uh, what would you
say... Was it 10? Yes.
254
00:09:26,961 --> 00:09:28,272
Uh, $7.52.
255
00:09:28,409 --> 00:09:29,961
How do you leave the house?
256
00:09:30,098 --> 00:09:31,926
You were supposed
to go to the bank for me.
257
00:09:32,064 --> 00:09:33,304
No, I wasn't. You said you were
258
00:09:33,409 --> 00:09:34,581
going to the bank. No. Never.
259
00:09:34,719 --> 00:09:35,891
Yes, you did. No, I didn't.
260
00:09:36,029 --> 00:09:37,949
Boy, this marriage thing
gonna be a piece of cake
261
00:09:38,063 --> 00:09:38,925
for you two, isn't it?
262
00:09:39,063 --> 00:09:40,063
[WHISTLES]
263
00:09:40,132 --> 00:09:42,787
Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what now.
264
00:09:42,925 --> 00:09:44,442
Why don't you just take this,
265
00:09:44,580 --> 00:09:46,751
and you're gonna go
right into the chapel here,
266
00:09:46,889 --> 00:09:49,302
and the justice of the
peace is gonna take you
267
00:09:49,441 --> 00:09:51,199
the rest of the way.
Thank you so much.
268
00:09:51,337 --> 00:09:52,199
God bless you.
269
00:09:52,337 --> 00:09:53,337
He's a nice guy, huh?
270
00:09:53,371 --> 00:09:54,543
Yes. I miss him.
271
00:09:56,509 --> 00:09:59,232
Hello. How are you?
Just fine, thank you.
272
00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:01,852
Well, this is Phyllis.
273
00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:03,197
Hello. Hello.
274
00:10:03,335 --> 00:10:04,714
She throws the rice.
275
00:10:04,852 --> 00:10:09,299
25 cents... one
throw. 40 cents... two.
276
00:10:09,438 --> 00:10:12,229
Okay. Well, why don't
we get right on with it?
277
00:10:12,368 --> 00:10:13,368
Now, here's what... Oh!
278
00:10:13,506 --> 00:10:16,368
Oh, don't you want to
walk down the aisle?
279
00:10:17,436 --> 00:10:18,297
Okay.
280
00:10:18,436 --> 00:10:19,436
Just go right back there.
281
00:10:19,539 --> 00:10:21,470
There you go. Right
there. That's good.
282
00:10:21,607 --> 00:10:23,469
Okay, and you, sir,
over here. Right here?
283
00:10:23,607 --> 00:10:24,642
That's fine. Got it.
284
00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:25,642
Hey! Heads up!
285
00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:28,055
Ho! There you go.
286
00:10:28,193 --> 00:10:30,123
Now with the
music... come forward.
287
00:10:30,261 --> 00:10:32,019
Okay.
288
00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:35,847
[PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH"]
289
00:10:35,985 --> 00:10:37,364
Okay.
290
00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:41,708
[REWINDING]
291
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:45,810
[STOPS]
292
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:47,810
Dearly beloved...
293
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,844
we're gathered
here today to marry
294
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:52,292
this man and this woman.
295
00:10:52,430 --> 00:10:54,257
Is there anybody present
296
00:10:54,395 --> 00:10:56,705
who might object to this union?
297
00:10:58,084 --> 00:10:58,946
[WHISTLES] Phyl.
298
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:01,152
I'm good. Good.
299
00:11:02,532 --> 00:11:04,462
Do you, Paul...
300
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,600
Buchman.
301
00:11:05,704 --> 00:11:06,704
Uh-huh. Buchman.
302
00:11:06,773 --> 00:11:08,635
Oh, the Buch... You're
the... the Buchman.
303
00:11:08,772 --> 00:11:09,944
Paul Buchman.
304
00:11:10,082 --> 00:11:11,910
Take Jamie...
305
00:11:12,048 --> 00:11:13,943
Bwuchman...
306
00:11:14,081 --> 00:11:16,047
to be your lawful wedded wife,
307
00:11:16,185 --> 00:11:17,840
to have and to hold
308
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,011
through sickness and in health
309
00:11:20,149 --> 00:11:21,701
till death do you part?
310
00:11:21,839 --> 00:11:23,494
Yes, I absolutely do.
311
00:11:23,632 --> 00:11:24,494
Wonderful.
312
00:11:24,632 --> 00:11:26,321
Do you, Jamie...
313
00:11:26,459 --> 00:11:27,665
Bwuchman...
314
00:11:27,803 --> 00:11:29,217
take Paul Buchman
315
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,975
to be your lawful
wedded husband,
316
00:11:31,113 --> 00:11:33,595
to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish
317
00:11:33,733 --> 00:11:35,457
through sickness and in health
318
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,836
till death do you part?
319
00:11:40,698 --> 00:11:42,491
Little louder.
320
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:47,490
We're gonna need you to
speak up a little, sweetie.
321
00:11:47,628 --> 00:11:49,075
Don't fool around now.
322
00:11:49,213 --> 00:11:51,110
I don't want to get married.
323
00:11:52,075 --> 00:11:53,075
[SPITS]
324
00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:55,178
Little early on the
rice there, Phyllis.
325
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,695
MABEL: And so, apparently...
326
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:01,764
the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
327
00:12:05,383 --> 00:12:06,728
You wanted to get married.
328
00:12:06,866 --> 00:12:09,003
I know. But then I was
standing at the altar
329
00:12:09,141 --> 00:12:10,210
and it hit me.
330
00:12:10,349 --> 00:12:11,709
What we have is
pretty good, right?
331
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:13,106
I don't want to screw it up.
332
00:12:13,244 --> 00:12:16,106
Exactly. So all I'm saying
is let's make everything
333
00:12:16,244 --> 00:12:18,381
the way we always
thought it was anyway.
334
00:12:18,519 --> 00:12:21,243
Yes, but the way it was
was we were not married.
335
00:12:21,381 --> 00:12:24,587
Of course we were married.
It just... It wasn't labeled right.
336
00:12:24,725 --> 00:12:26,587
It's like... It's like if
you order chocolate,
337
00:12:26,724 --> 00:12:30,137
and then it comes and
you eat it and you love it,
338
00:12:30,275 --> 00:12:32,103
but then afterwards
the waiter says,
339
00:12:32,241 --> 00:12:35,516
"Sorry. My mistake. That wasn't
chocolate, that was root beer."
340
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:38,240
Do you come back the next
time and ask for root beer?
341
00:12:38,378 --> 00:12:39,413
Yes.
342
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,998
Well, it's the
opposite with this.
343
00:12:42,826 --> 00:12:43,826
Hi, I'm Ursula.
344
00:12:43,928 --> 00:12:45,963
I will not be your
waitress today.
345
00:12:46,101 --> 00:12:47,135
What? What?
346
00:12:47,272 --> 00:12:48,756
Yeah, my name is Ursula...
347
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,824
Yes, we know that.
Yes, we know that.
348
00:12:50,962 --> 00:12:53,962
Okay. And I will not
be your waitress today.
349
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:55,582
Okay.
350
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,685
Usually I am, but today I'm not.
351
00:12:57,823 --> 00:12:59,103
That's why I
wanted to come over,
352
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,167
to say that I'm not
your waitress today
353
00:13:01,305 --> 00:13:03,615
and that my name is Ursula
354
00:13:03,753 --> 00:13:05,615
so that you wouldn't
be confused.
355
00:13:05,753 --> 00:13:07,408
Okay. Thank you.
356
00:13:07,546 --> 00:13:09,408
Great. Can I take your order?
357
00:13:09,545 --> 00:13:11,166
But you're not our waitress.
358
00:13:11,303 --> 00:13:13,061
Okay, do you know what you want?
359
00:13:13,199 --> 00:13:15,992
Um... well...
360
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:17,302
Ooh, guess what else?
361
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:18,991
I'm running for
employee of the month,
362
00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,543
so make sure that you
vote for me, all right?
363
00:13:21,681 --> 00:13:22,991
It's an election type of thing,
364
00:13:23,129 --> 00:13:24,266
the employee of the month?
365
00:13:24,405 --> 00:13:27,094
No, no. The boss
just picks who he likes.
366
00:13:28,232 --> 00:13:29,438
Want to hear my slogan?
367
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,576
Yes, please. Sure.
368
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,748
♪ Ursula, Ursula She's our man ♪
369
00:13:32,886 --> 00:13:35,989
♪ If she's not employee
Of the month, nobody can ♪
370
00:13:38,195 --> 00:13:39,850
I have to go to the bathroom.
371
00:13:41,092 --> 00:13:43,194
Have you ever
heard the expression,
372
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,229
"Intelligence is the ability
to change one's mind"?
373
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,091
No, you have not.
374
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,308
And you have not heard that
375
00:13:49,401 --> 00:13:51,055
because it's not
actually an expression.
376
00:13:51,193 --> 00:13:53,365
It's just something
my mother used to say,
377
00:13:53,503 --> 00:13:57,331
but she would say that it
was, in fact, an expression.
378
00:13:57,469 --> 00:13:59,089
But it's not.
379
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:06,639
Paul is being really
great about this.
380
00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:08,329
I'll say. I mean,
381
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:10,673
I probably pushed him into
the vasectomy to begin with.
382
00:14:10,811 --> 00:14:12,120
Yeah, probably.
383
00:14:12,258 --> 00:14:13,844
I think on some
level he was relieved
384
00:14:13,982 --> 00:14:15,466
when I suggested
we have it reversed.
385
00:14:15,603 --> 00:14:17,948
What do they do, they
just glue it back on and...
386
00:14:18,086 --> 00:14:19,947
Way inside.
387
00:14:20,085 --> 00:14:22,119
And now Mabel will have
a little brother or sister,
388
00:14:22,257 --> 00:14:24,085
and she'll help them
out in the schoolyard,
389
00:14:24,222 --> 00:14:26,636
and she'll give them her hand-
me-downs. This gonna be good.
390
00:14:26,773 --> 00:14:28,049
Well, I guess, for her.
391
00:14:28,187 --> 00:14:29,980
What?
392
00:14:30,117 --> 00:14:31,152
What about for you?
393
00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:33,048
Good-bye freedom,
394
00:14:33,186 --> 00:14:34,772
good-bye hips, and
good-bye career.
395
00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:37,151
You know, I actually read
that 87 percent of all mothers
396
00:14:37,289 --> 00:14:40,426
with two or more kids never
return back to the workplace.
397
00:14:40,564 --> 00:14:44,461
They just end up feeling
broken and hollow and sad.
398
00:14:44,599 --> 00:14:45,805
PAUL [STRAINED]: Hi, sweetie.
399
00:14:45,943 --> 00:14:47,701
Thank you.
400
00:14:59,389 --> 00:15:01,905
What did you say to her?
401
00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:05,388
Stop bringing her
to my vasectomies.
402
00:15:05,526 --> 00:15:08,008
[PUPPIES YIPPING]
403
00:15:08,146 --> 00:15:09,628
MABEL: Fortunately,
some of us gave
404
00:15:09,766 --> 00:15:11,766
much less thought
to having children.
405
00:15:11,904 --> 00:15:15,179
Okay, Nat, now you can
bring out the first guest.
406
00:15:15,318 --> 00:15:17,145
Okay. Thank you, Mabel.
407
00:15:17,282 --> 00:15:20,764
Welcome back to the
show, ladies and gentlemen.
408
00:15:20,902 --> 00:15:24,281
My... poncho, poncho,
you're not on yet. Jigs, please.
409
00:15:24,419 --> 00:15:28,005
My first guest tonight is
a border collie collie mix.
410
00:15:28,143 --> 00:15:30,591
He's the strapping
little son of Murray
411
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:32,660
and his charming
bride Clarabelle.
412
00:15:32,797 --> 00:15:35,486
He's 5.5 weeks old,
recently weaned.
413
00:15:35,624 --> 00:15:39,727
He enjoys sleeping, chasing
his tail, and being colorblind.
414
00:15:39,865 --> 00:15:43,830
Would you please give a
warm welcome to Crackers.
415
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:46,313
Come on, Crackers.
Come on. There he is.
416
00:15:46,450 --> 00:15:47,622
Hello, Mr. Crackers.
417
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,622
Not yet, Poncho. I told
you you're not on yet.
418
00:15:50,759 --> 00:15:52,208
Crackers.
419
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,552
Okay, next guest.
420
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:57,586
Very quick for Crackers,
but okay, there he goes.
421
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,689
My next guest,
ladies and gentlemen,
422
00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:02,861
interestingly enough, also
a border collie collie mix,
423
00:16:02,999 --> 00:16:04,447
also 5.5 weeks old.
424
00:16:04,585 --> 00:16:08,447
Uh, let's see. Oh,
interesting. He's a breech birth.
425
00:16:08,585 --> 00:16:10,378
He enjoys, uh, eatin' garbage
426
00:16:10,515 --> 00:16:13,446
and then regurgitating
same said garbage.
427
00:16:13,584 --> 00:16:14,824
Strange but true.
428
00:16:14,962 --> 00:16:19,892
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome, please... Rusty.
429
00:16:22,409 --> 00:16:25,029
We're lookin' for Rusty.
430
00:16:26,547 --> 00:16:27,547
Come on, Rusty.
431
00:16:27,684 --> 00:16:31,166
Ru... There he is.
There's the Ru...
432
00:16:31,305 --> 00:16:32,752
[PIDDLES]
433
00:16:35,718 --> 00:16:37,096
Wow.
434
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:39,407
Well, we were...
We were saving that
435
00:16:39,545 --> 00:16:41,786
for our special
anniversary show.
436
00:16:43,061 --> 00:16:44,095
Hey, Paulie.
437
00:16:44,233 --> 00:16:45,095
Hey, Marvin.
438
00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:46,095
What are you doing here?
439
00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:47,302
Shouldn't you be getting
440
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,920
your second vasectomy
right about now?
441
00:16:49,025 --> 00:16:51,232
Is nothing I tell you private?
442
00:16:51,371 --> 00:16:53,404
He's been following
the whole story.
443
00:16:53,542 --> 00:16:56,162
It kills me. First
she gets you to do it,
444
00:16:56,301 --> 00:16:58,404
then 2 months later,
she gets you to undo it,
445
00:16:58,541 --> 00:17:00,921
and now she's getting
you to do it again.
446
00:17:01,058 --> 00:17:03,920
To me, it's very entertaining.
447
00:17:04,058 --> 00:17:06,713
MABEL: Regrettably, I've
learned that little traumatic events
448
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:08,988
can help lead to
big traumatic events.
449
00:17:09,126 --> 00:17:11,126
Oh, look, there it is.
450
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:12,505
A film by Mabel Buchman.
451
00:17:12,643 --> 00:17:15,642
What kind of title is
that, Stabbing Bob?
452
00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:16,642
She's angry.
453
00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:18,056
Really.
454
00:17:18,193 --> 00:17:20,474
All right, we should save two
seats together because Mabel
455
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,744
really wants Paul and
Jamie to sit next to each other.
456
00:17:22,882 --> 00:17:24,020
Oy! I know.
457
00:17:24,157 --> 00:17:26,037
Do they both know the
other one's gonna be here?
458
00:17:26,157 --> 00:17:28,123
Yeah, they're gonna be mature.
459
00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:29,261
Hey, there they are.
460
00:17:29,329 --> 00:17:30,191
We're here.
461
00:17:30,329 --> 00:17:31,191
Look at you.
462
00:17:31,329 --> 00:17:32,502
Oh, look at you.
463
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,604
IRA: Look at your Aunt
Deb and Aunt Joan.
464
00:17:34,742 --> 00:17:37,294
Leonardo, come
kiss your aunties.
465
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,810
Shania, you sit there.
Beavis you sit in front of me.
466
00:17:40,948 --> 00:17:43,051
Oh, Gwyneth!
Give me the pacifier.
467
00:17:43,189 --> 00:17:45,844
Okey-dokey. Listen, why don't
you come sit with me, actually?
468
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,361
You know what?
469
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:49,981
We should save these two
seats for Paul and James.
470
00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:51,119
Already done.
471
00:17:51,257 --> 00:17:52,119
Oh. Oh, good.
472
00:17:52,257 --> 00:17:53,705
No harm in trying, right?
473
00:17:53,843 --> 00:17:55,876
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you eating?
474
00:17:56,014 --> 00:17:57,118
What's the matter?
475
00:17:57,256 --> 00:17:59,014
He's eating popcorn
from the 5:00 show.
476
00:17:59,152 --> 00:18:00,704
Oh, leave him alone.
477
00:18:00,842 --> 00:18:03,151
Hey. My daughter made a movie.
478
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,151
Paulie.
479
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:05,151
Oh, nice jacket.
480
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:06,668
Yeah? Thank you.
481
00:18:06,806 --> 00:18:08,358
Hi, sweetie.
482
00:18:08,496 --> 00:18:11,047
Paulie, why don't you come
sit... Let's see... Oh, here.
483
00:18:11,185 --> 00:18:12,185
Good. Hey, Beavis.
484
00:18:12,322 --> 00:18:14,184
Hey, Uncle Paul, you
want some popcorn?
485
00:18:14,322 --> 00:18:17,321
Say, "No." I'm gonna say, "No."
486
00:18:17,459 --> 00:18:19,597
Hey there. Thank
god I'm not late.
487
00:18:19,735 --> 00:18:21,079
Not at all.
488
00:18:21,217 --> 00:18:23,079
MARIANNE: Oh, it's the
mother of the filmmaker.
489
00:18:23,217 --> 00:18:24,079
Hiya, James.
490
00:18:24,216 --> 00:18:25,216
Hi, Jamie.
491
00:18:25,286 --> 00:18:26,493
Hey, Shania. Hello, everybody.
492
00:18:26,631 --> 00:18:28,078
Jamie, sit... sit here.
493
00:18:28,216 --> 00:18:30,285
Okey-dokey.
494
00:18:33,974 --> 00:18:34,974
Hi.
495
00:18:35,008 --> 00:18:36,249
Hi.
496
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,697
How you doing?
497
00:18:39,835 --> 00:18:41,007
Good. How you doing?
498
00:18:41,145 --> 00:18:42,145
I'm good.
499
00:18:42,213 --> 00:18:43,731
Good.
500
00:18:52,212 --> 00:18:53,074
Okay.
501
00:18:53,212 --> 00:18:54,660
Here it is. Okay.
502
00:19:00,452 --> 00:19:04,520
I ask this question
objectively, in earnest,
503
00:19:04,658 --> 00:19:06,003
and without bias.
504
00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:08,002
Who do you think was responsible
505
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:09,486
for my parents' breakup...
506
00:19:09,623 --> 00:19:11,485
The one who ran
away from the altar
507
00:19:11,623 --> 00:19:13,761
and changed her mind three
times about whether or not
508
00:19:13,898 --> 00:19:16,001
her partner should have
painful private surgery...
509
00:19:16,139 --> 00:19:17,415
or the other guy?
510
00:19:17,553 --> 00:19:18,898
What?
511
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:21,828
I'm changing my name. It's
not Mabel anymore. It's Sonya.
512
00:19:21,966 --> 00:19:26,137
Okay. Um... May I ask why?
513
00:19:26,276 --> 00:19:27,689
'Cause Mabel's stupid.
514
00:19:27,827 --> 00:19:28,999
I see. Listen, Mabel...
515
00:19:29,137 --> 00:19:30,792
Sonya!
516
00:19:30,930 --> 00:19:31,930
Pardon me.
517
00:19:31,964 --> 00:19:34,171
Say it. Sonya.
518
00:19:34,309 --> 00:19:35,171
Say it nice.
519
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,308
All right, Mabel...
520
00:19:36,377 --> 00:19:37,412
It's Sonya.
521
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:38,653
Thank you.
522
00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:40,170
Why Sonya?
523
00:19:40,308 --> 00:19:41,376
'Cause I like it.
524
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,996
Your grandmother
thought of Mabel.
525
00:19:43,134 --> 00:19:44,174
You know, it's an acronym.
526
00:19:44,238 --> 00:19:45,238
A what?
527
00:19:45,342 --> 00:19:47,479
The letters M-A-B-E-L
528
00:19:47,617 --> 00:19:50,651
stand for "Mothers
always bring extra love."
529
00:19:50,788 --> 00:19:52,892
Well, Sonya's an acronym, too.
530
00:19:53,030 --> 00:19:54,201
It is? For what?
531
00:19:54,340 --> 00:19:56,581
"Some other name, you ass."
532
00:19:56,718 --> 00:19:59,201
All right, get out. Hey, okay.
533
00:20:01,890 --> 00:20:03,930
My father had his own way
of dealing with my mother.
534
00:20:04,062 --> 00:20:07,855
He would keep certain
pieces of information to himself.
535
00:20:10,820 --> 00:20:11,820
Honey?
536
00:20:11,854 --> 00:20:13,198
Hmm?
537
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:17,233
You didn't so much get that
second vasectomy, did you?
538
00:20:17,370 --> 00:20:19,267
Wh...
539
00:20:19,405 --> 00:20:22,128
Because I am
remarkably pregnant.
540
00:20:24,507 --> 00:20:26,127
No, I did not.
541
00:20:29,679 --> 00:20:32,506
But I've done so many other
things that you did ask me to.
542
00:20:37,229 --> 00:20:38,229
[♪♪♪♪♪]
543
00:20:43,952 --> 00:20:44,952
[♪♪♪♪♪]
544
00:21:50,941 --> 00:21:51,941
Captions: M.P.
36879
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