All language subtitles for Girl.Fever.2002.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Hello, ladies.

This is all kind of funny,
really.

Actually thiswhole thingstarted
because of laughter, you know.

Laughter, when thesmile
has an orgasm?

And out of 100% of youwomen...

I can bring99% of you
to this climax chuckle.

I can.

But I can't make the one girl I love
smile likeshe made mesmile...

on theworst day of my already
terrible laughable life.

Which isquite a fee considering
l� ve been having horrible days...

ever since lwas akid.

I'msorry! I'msorry!

Don't move!Your tongue
hasstuck to my clit ring! God!

Don't move! Don't!
Don't move!

This drawing is... appalling!

Youshow absolutely no understanding
of thiswoman or any woman!

In the future the only drawingyou'll
be doing is drawing unemployment.

You have to listen to me!We are over,
we are completely and totally over!

You break upwith me, youwanna
do it before I give you aride home.

- Sorry, we are over.
- No!You can't do this to me now!

Please, Gretchen, not now!Today
is already theworst day of my life!

I believe you lost your smile?

You lost your smile.

her name was hope.

She hadthiswinningsmile
that couldtake Olympic gold.

I've had alot of bad days
in my life.

Today definitely qualifies
as theworst.

Things could beworse.

At least Gretchen broke upwith you
before you got you penis pierced.

Yousee? Your funny ha- ha
is just sort of accidentally funny.

Accidentally funny?

See, I'm always doingweird
stuff and I don't even know it.

Just happens. And thus,
I'm accidentally funny.

Sam, nobody is normal all the time.

Look at me. ljust noticed I've had
my shirt on inside out all day.

Yeah, but you know, I'm not
even normalsome of the time.

Yousee?Wouldyou look at this?
Case in point, right?

I have a f akewallet to keep in my
pants pocket in case I get mugged.

I keep my real money
crumpled up inside my sock.

This is odd? You know anyone else
in the entireworld that does this?

- 0ne other.
- Who?

Me. That's areally good idea.

Great. Now I'm contagious.

Sam, what made you enroll
on anArt School?

Isort of determined that all artists
areweird, so if I became one...

that I'd have an excuse
for my chronicstrangeness.

You cansee now why today
is my personalWaterloo.

In less than an hour I've not only
found out I have no talent...

no future, no girlfriend...

but now I also have absolutely
no excuses for my eccentricities.

- What can I do to cheer you up?
- Nothing. There's nothingyou can do.

Maybe I couldstart by cleaning
this"snew" off your shirt.

"Snew"?What's"snew"?

I don't now. What's new with you?

What did SnowWhite say to Pinocchio
whenshe wassittingon his f ace?

"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Hey, let's make like ababy
and head out.

Let's go.

- You know what I think weshould do?
- No.

Whichwindow didyousay
was your ex- girlfriend's?

I think it was that one.

You bastard! I'm gonna come down
there and cut your balls off!

Then I'm gonnashove them in your
mouth and make you eat them!

If laughter is asmilingorgasm,
let me tellyou...

we had alaughter that was multiple,
simultaneous andwet.

- My number is555...
- 0kay.

...6344.
- 6344.

0kay, great.

Don't forget this. Your smile.

And thank you
for giving it back to me.

- That's my ride.
- 0kay.

- Call me.
- Yeah, lwill.

I hadto find hope.
So ltook a job as adelivery guy.

Here's your order.

hope probably would've called me
acuisine career.

Here's your...

It's lame, I know...

but at least the job allowed me
to search for hope onevery corner...

inevery building, inevery run
I made throughout the city.

0h my God! I'msosorry!
I'm gonnapull out. I mean, back out.

Women? Please follow me thisway.

The Women's Residence and Club
has been in existencesince 193.

We havewomen from all50 States
aswell as Puerto Rico and Guam...

and0 other countries.

We have two 0lympicsizeswimming
pools aswell as four tennis courts.

Excuse me?

Hi. Do you know where6D is?

Thanks.

Delivery!

Hope! Hey!

Hello, Sam.

0h my God! I've been looking for you
everywhere. You have no idea.

I'mso, sosorry I never calledyou.

Because youwrote your number
down on my palm...

and therewas pouring rain
that night and it washed up.

It's okay.

How are you?

You look likesomeone dropped
anACMEsafe on your head.

Fine.

Me too. I'm fine too.

This is awkward.

Times like this I think about dogs.

Dogs?

I like theway they lick your f ace
and let you pet them all over.

It'd be nice if womencould
let you know you're liked...

theway that a dog lets you know.

Nice ice- breaker.

Maybe.

- You ordered this?
- Thanks. They sent the extrasauce.

- I think all I have is a $50.
- Yeah, that's okay.

I think I can break that.

I think I'm making ahabit
out of this.

Are yousure you're alright?

- Yeah, never better.
- Cause you don't look never better.

- You'rewrong. I'm fine.
- I thought lwaswrong once...

but lwas mistaken.
And I'm not wrong here.

Come on, what's the matter?

Nothing that anice meal
couldn't take care of.

Goodbye, Sam.

- Where's Holden?
- He's in the back.

I'll butter up your sweat, baby!

You got such a tight ass!
What's that?

Squeeze it harder, huh?

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, man!

What's going on?

Iwas rearranging my collection.

It was totally inefficient.

I had"double penetration"
filed under"double dildo".

I don't care about
your Smithsoniansmut.

Why was your hand on your ass?

Sometimes I gotta get alittle kinky
to... jack up the oldwinky.

See? Here. If Istare
at this centerfold here...

and concentrate real hard
while grabbing my own butt...

it feels like I'm feeling up
Miss September's ass!

You know, uncle Bart
would be really pissed...

if he came in and caught you
flickingyour grunge.

I haven't seen you this cracky since
I gave you that Montezumaswindley.

Come on.

- Spillyour guts.
- No, I can't.

Why?Why can't you tell me
what's going on?

Holden, how can I talk to you?

You're one of those guyswho have
a tray that makes boob- shaped Jell- 0.

You once bought those underwear
to lift andseparate your butt.

You've got arthritis
from jerking off too many times.

I did not get arthritis!

It's"carpotonalsyndrome".

Holden!This gelatin boobs
are f antastic!

They 'resensitive, aren't they?

You'reso tense!

What you need is a day with my
two- dimensional lady friend here.

She not only pulls out...

but she puts out.

What do you think, Sam?

Isn't the mass of the ass directly
proportional to the beauty of the cutie?

- What?
- That is thespirit!

Man, when you're down in the dump
you just gottalaugh it off!

You know what?

That's actually a good idea.

How many surrealists does it take
toscrew in alight bulb?

A fish.

Look at this article. It explains
how a few good endorphins...

can make yousmile.

Conversely, alright, it says that
if you force asmile on your f ace...

you can trick your body into releasing
thesame feel- good endorphins...

which make you happy.

Didyou know that if you change
the"i's" in Mississippi to"o's"...

you get Mossossoppo?

Come on, are those
endorphins pumping?

Come on, that's great!

Look at that f ace!

- Come on, look at that...
- Stop, Sam.

I appreciate the effort...

andyour comedy act
is a great success.

It's your audience
that's a total f ailure.

I gotta get some new material.

0h my God!

I think I broke it.

I think"busted" is amore
appropriate phrase.

- Does it hurt?
- No, you didn't pop my boob...

you just poked ahole in my aquabra.
I'm Flat Chasted. I mean I'mAnnie.

Hi, I'm Sam.

What's in a aquabra?

It's abrassiere that supplements
the figurewithwater implants.

See?

There it is!

God!

0kay. 0kay.

It's funny. I gottaremember
to tell my friend Hope about this.

Hope on the top floor?

She doesn't think
anything's funny.

What gave her such amood dunk?
I mean isshe always like this?

No, at first shewas pretty happy.

I catch you later.

One day hope came home
and something happened.

I haven't seen her
out of her roomsince...

but lwork really weird hours at
the hospital, so I don't see anyone.

- It was nice meetingyou.
- Yeah, you too.

Do you know Hope in6D?

My acting coach told me no to talk to
anyonewhile I'm doing my exercises.

Excuse me, miss, do you know...?

What did he instruct you to do?
Act like a coffee table?

I'm thewind blowing in the desert.

Hello! Delivery.

Door's open.

Wow!What a great place
you got here.

ljust delivered
to that girl Hope up in6D.

Man, her placewas awreck!
Do you know her?

Hi! I'm Sam.
I'myour coffee delivery guy.

Isaid do you know Hope in6D?

Hey, I'mspeaking to you, Tanya.
Can you hear mesay this?

You look like aman- eating
Amazon princess...

doing her war painting in preparation
for abattle in the corporate jungle.

Delivery boy, couldyou
bring me my expresso?

0h, I take it that's an order
from TanyaAmazon Princess!

Her Majesty commends me to bow
down before her and fetch her coffee!

Well I refuse! lwon't be your slave
no matter what you throw in me.

I'm not turned on by your
executrix power suit, your war armor!

Your mini- skirt loin cloth
displays apowerfulweapon!

Your thighswhich make me
tremblewith lust!

Andyour brassiere is like
aprotective brass plate...

you can tear away to unsheathe
your most powerfulweapon:

your hypnotic breasts!

Here's your coffee, Tanya.

0h, and by theway,
I'm not the Amazon princess.

I'm the Amazon queen.

- What are all these balloons for?
- Some kid's birthday party.

- So, how's your probe going?
- Probe?

0h, the investigation. It's terrible.
Some of these girls can be really mean.

There's this one girl, Tanya,
she treats me like a total pee- on.

Pee- on? I didn't know
you're intowatching.

No, not like that.

God, Holden! Do you ever think
about anything other thansex?

Isaid forget about Hope and move on
tosomeonewho's more probable!

No, it's not gonnahappen.
I'm not giving up on her.

Come on, man!
Wake up andsmell the pussy!

You are totally in lovewith her.
You think that if you find her smile...

that she'll end up f alling in love
with likesome f airy tale!

But more likely she'll end up
screwingyou over...

andyou'll end up taking it
in the tail!

0kay, alright. I do love her.
But I'm also her friend.

Look man, something terrible
happened to her in that building.

I'm gonna find out what that was and
maybe I can make things right again.

Easy on those balloons, you don't want
to disappoint the birthday... boy.

Damn it!Today is your birthday!

Now that...

iswhat I call ablow job.

Hey chap, check this out.

Kaboom Monthly?

The definitive guide
for popping aboner.

When you're done can I look at that?

Hello! Delivery!

Delivery here!

Stop trying to find out
what happened to Hope!

Who are you? Come back here!
I need tospeak to you, please!

Where didyou go?

Please tell mewhy don't youwant me
to find out what'swrongwith Hope!

Where are you?

- Not so f ast!
- You know...

they say that toenails
are the teeth of the foot.

If that's true, I'dsay you got
apretty niceset of f angs here.

You think you're funny?
Pretty cheese ball if you ask me.

Yeah, thesame thing could besaid
about your recordsetting toe- jam.

You're that delivery boy for Bart's on
the other side of the park, aren't you?

- Why, thank you, Captain 0bvious.
- That's not my name.

It's Willens. And I manage this place.
And I don't like yousnooping around.

If Isee you around here again,
I'm gonnamakesure I call the...

Hey!You almost hit mewith that.

How wouldyou like it
if I loaded one up?

Go ahead. Make my day.

You gottabe joking.

Iwas just clearing my nasal passages.
Youwere the one making a thing of it.

Alright. Now don't go doing
anything rash.

Take your fingers off the nostril.

You first.

Same time.

Eat it, Willens.

Go ahead, pull the trigger.

- Pull on this.
- Get lost, ass!

The only thing I'd figured out iswhy
detective issometimes called a"dick".

Cause that'sexactly
what l� dfound out.

Iwasn't good investigating
the mystery of hope.

I hadto find anew strategy.

Sam!The rent is due.

Hope! Look at this!

Hope! Come to thewindow!

See this!

Come on, Hope! Look at this!
This is funny!

Hi.

Look, I have to ask yousomething
andyou have to promise not to laugh.

I promise.

Ever since I met you lwanted
to take you to dinner and the movies.

0kay. Just this once.

- Give me asec, okay?
- Yeah, sure.

So, do you think that Hope is cute?

Yes, she'ssuch a fox.

I think so too.
And get your hands off of her.

Come on in.

Wow, I lovewhat you've
done to the place...

it's got arealsort of post- modern
Miss Havishing look to it.

Yeah, don't mind the mess.

It's okay.

So I hear you used to be amodel?

If we're gonna talk about me
you're gonnahave to leave.

Sorry.

It's just that the other day
when you found me, you know...

Isort of feel like you...
like yousaved me and I...

and ljust wanted tosay thank you...

Iwas gonnamakesome coffee,
dowant any?

Yeah, sure.

So you know, like yousaid,
the other day when Isaw you...

Actually you don't owe me anything,
you know? It's...

I know I don't owe you anything.
I'm just trying to be your friend.

Do youwant any cream or sugar?

I'll get somesugar.

You know, I'm just trying
to be your friend.

That'swhat friends do, right?
They help each other out.

I'm gonna ask you to leave, actually.

- What?
- Ishouldn't have done this and...

ljust said lwas trying
to be your friend.

I'm gonna give you money
for the meal.

- No, the meal's on me.
- Willyou please? Yes, Sam.

Please, willyou just go?
And take the money?

No, I'm not gonna take money
for the meal, forget it!

- I'm not gonna take the money.
- Just take the money, Sam.

- No, the meal...
- Please.

The meal's on me.

Pleasewillyou at least
go Dutchwith me?

0kay.

Don't you beso difficult.

Relax, Sam, it's Annie.

ljust couldn't hear over thewashers,
I forgot I had that thing on.

It's a f acial massager, it tightens the
muscles on my f aceso I look thinner.

0f course it is.

I think this piece goes there
and this piece goes here...

You'restill missingsome pieces.

Why don't you draw the missing parts?
Youwent to the Art Institute, right?

I never finished. Iwasso bad
they made me turn in my beret.

The RoyalAcademy of Velvet Painters
won't accept me.

I can't even get my work shown
in the Museum of Stick Figure Art.

Who cares? The curators of that
Museum havesticks up their butt.

Velvet painting diedwith Elvis.
Berets? They 're not even real hats.

You know, I've always thought that.
I mean it's got no brim.

Doesn't cover your ears.

It's not ahat, it's a goddamn cap!
That'swhat it is.

Why do you have apen
attached to your hip?

Because I am the f astest draw
on the West.

Really?

I had abit of amishap in my prom. I
don't put pens in my pockets anymore.

It's abit of alongstory.

You ever think how f ar
an artist hand has traveled?

Look at yourself sketching.
Your fingers are in constant motion.

Every time youshade the pen moves
a couple inches asecond...

that's gotta add up.

This hand has traveled long distances.
Specially in theshower.

Seriously. Do you know what my
f avorite part of being an artist is?

It's the most honest profession
in theworld.

How's that?

You can pretty much f ake being good
in any other profession.

but, as an artist, either your
drawing is good or it's bad.

Artists just have to lay
everything on the line.

Literally.

Wait asecond.
I'veseen thissomewhere before.

Here's the album
youwanted to borrow.

It took me along time to find it,
I never listen to them anymore.

Welcome. How tosee your ex- girlfriend
and live to tell about it.

That is thesubject of today 's class.

Sam, you didn't have to concoct some
story about wanting to borrow music...

just to have an excuse tosee me.

First the guy must act nice to prove
he can handle the breakup entirely.

No, I really wanted
to borrow the album.

But it is great tosee you. You finally
got your forehead pierced. Looks good.

Being nice only makes the ex think
hewants to get back together...

soshewith undisguised pleasure
reminds him...

that she is the dumper
and he is the dumpee.

I'm flatteredyou called,
but I broke upwith you, remember?

This doesn't mean that lwant
to hook upwith you again.

This unwarranted rejection hurts
like akick to thesheens.

Really, Sam!

Thesecond punishment
sneaks upon you like asnake.

Come on! Go!

I'm hot, I'm thirsty.
I'm hot, I'm thirsty!

Hey, what ever happened
to thosesize 14 guys?

They got on album, then disappeared.

The evilshe- dumper tortures
the poor dumpeewith flirtations...

he tries to avoid.

- Didyour tongue healed upsome?
- Yes, it's never better.

Really? It was pretty good before.

Theshe- dumper is abig prick- tease.

Does thescar tickles
the roof of your mouthsome?

Yeah, it does. Youshould feel it.

When the dumps chump flirts back,
shestops flirting.

Sam, I toldyou!
We are definitely over!

Giving him abad case...
of blue balls.

I think Ishould be alawyer.
But then again lwant to be a vet.

The final torment is theworst.

What are you talking about?
I can't do any of those things, Isuck.

No, you're really smart. You can
do anythingyouset your mind to.

By theway, where am I takingyou?

We're going to meet Carl.
Be nice to him, he's my new boyfriend.

It's aball- buster!

Sam, this is Carl.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This albumcover.

how did ripping it upconnect
to what was rippinguphope's heart?

I playedthis album
until my ears bled.

I hopedthe lyrics might provide
some insight to me or to anyone else.

Hey butthead, turn that music!

Please listen!

Thanks for listening.
By theway, what are you today?

A Vietnamwar memorial.

Do you like music?

What are you doing back there?

Getting ready to battle
in the corporate jungle?

Is that your war paint?

God. I don't know why I even try.

Do you mind if I call China?

Hey, why do you have your
pager number inspeed dial?

0h my God!

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. I mean...

Iwas just trying
to make conversation.

How come youwon't
give me the time of day?

Just give me my coffee.

No, not untilyou give me
some answers.

- Give it to me.
- No.

Give mesomestraight answers
or the expresso gets it.

Look, I got alot on my mind today...

and I don't have time to deal
withsomebody like you.

Someone like me? Are yousaying
I'm alowly delivery guy?

I don't get it. Youwomen
have always been treated like crap...

by your boys club bosses and now
that you career girls are on top...

why do you treat people
thesameway?

Maybe lwouldn't have to act
likesuch abitch onwheels...

if you guysweren't so angry
that I made more money than you.

- Now give it to me!
- Pretty cranky in the morning.

Needyour caffeine fix, huh?

You know what makes me angry
withwomensometimes?

I am a gentleman, I always
open doors for women.

But when awoman is in front of me
in an entrance...

9 times out of 10she doesn't
hold the door open for me.

Youwant men to treat you as equals
but youwon't give us equal treatment!

- What do youwant?
- Respect!

A"hello, how are you?"
would be great for starters.

0kay, how about a
"goodbye, and to hellwith you"?

Stay.

The plumber will pay me!

Stop trying to find out
what happened to Hope!

See, all I have to do is to find the
girlwho has thisscar on her behind...

And boom!You can crack the case.

What are you doing?

I hope thewater isn't too cold!

Rose, petal rose, petal beauty.

Today I'm my vagina.

To really complete that assignment
youshould add an orgasm to it.

Harder!

Deeper!

You know that phrase"behind every
great man there's a great woman"?

I'm afraid that I'll never be a great
man cause I can't get my great woman.

I prefer the corollary.

Behind every great woman
there's a great man.

Look, I'mserious here, man.
I mean is it impossible...

to become a great man
without a great woman?

What is this?We don't stock these!

Those are for me!

"0lder & Bolder Magazine"?
"Grannies & Fannies Illustrated"?

"Wide Load Review"?

- "Stomp Monthly"?
- Shut up!

I'm tired of you acting like I'm from
the bottom of the Bible belt.

- At least I have f aced the awful truth.
- What awful truth?

I am gross.

All men are. And every day
we f ace the endless nightmare that...

love handle by love handle,
nose hair by nose hair...

we're becoming more grotesque
versions of the cute boyswewere.

It is impossible tostop
the hordes of time...

from destroying our muscle tone
and leaving uswith these...

defeatedsaggy male boobies!

But I am at peace. I have come to grips
with thewhore that has become me.

So how does"Moist & Midget"
magazine improve your image?

Because men are gross
on the inside too.

That'swhy these magazinessell.

A woman's pussy mount
is aslippery slope.

Sex is anarcotic andyou, my friend,
are addicted just like me.

0nly you're at thesmoking
marijuanastage...

...l'm at the heroinstage.
- More like thespeed ballingstage.

Good one. Now, my point is...

an addict needs abigger and bigger fix
each time just to get thesame high!

That'swhy they move on
to the hardstuff.

Nowsex is thesameway.

You needsomething kinkier and kinkier
to get thesame thrill in your drill!

0kay, so hence
"America's Harriest" magazine?

No, I don't know if"America's
Harriest" is gonna get me donkey dick.

But, almost doner for aboner, and
these magazines aresomebody 's fix.

They might give me apecker high,
they might not.

You areso f ar off
you're not evenwrong!

- It'sso much better with awoman.
- Don't foolyourself.

Thestraight screw
is the methadone of sex.

It'll keep you from the hardstuff
for awhile, but sooner or later...

youwill roll off your old lady...

just like an addict
f alls off thewagon.

Accept it, Sam. You and I are alike.

Your weirdness is onestep away
from my grossness.

And look, you enrolled on anArt School
so you couldsee nakedwomen.

That is no different than me
looking at dirty pictures.

It's completely different.

0ne is art, the other is pornography!

Yes, but once youstart
down the dark path...

forever will it dominatrix
your destiny!

Join me.

I'll never join you!

It's in your blood, Sam.
I amyour cousin.

Now Holden and I did have
some of thesame DNA...

and this meant that I could have
thesame genetic inclination as him...

towards becoming a Grand Master
of perversion. Got mespooked.

Trick or treat!

Ishould've guessed.

Who are yousupposed to be?

I'm Popeye.

Andwhat am Isupposed to be?

You, my dear, are aFreudianslip.

- You know what I can't stand?
- Trick or treat!

Peoplewho aren't
who they say they are.

Like... take, for instance,
wise old Mahatma Gandhi.

Didyou know that in aspeech
advocating non- violent protest...

he oncesaid that Mussolini
wasn't abad man?

You know I had thesame feelingwhen
Isaw a comic book about the Pope.

I mean, what does the Pope
need a comic book for?

Yeah, and the idiots that wanna
read a comic book on the Pope!

Yeah, exactly. Like"What do lwant?
Batman or the Pope?"

Like the Popemobile is as cool
as the Batmobile. Come on!

- We need to get some more candy.
- 0kay. I mean, don't get mewrong...

I'm not aBible basher.

And for the matter I also hate the
jerks on the other end of thespectrum.

You know the ones?

Got those old beat up cars
and abumper sticker that says like...

"Don't laugh, your daughter
might be in the trunk."

His name is Richard Blaine.

I think he's the pecker
that broke Hope's heart.

This party 's the perfect place for us to
get the girls give us ascheme on him.

Gotcha. Let's probe.

My friend Richard Blaine used to do
an acting exercise exactly like that.

This isn't an exercise.

This is how I dance.

So, do you know a guy
named Richard Blaine?

Carl!

Has anyone ever toldyou
you got arack that should be bronzed?

Beat it.

You know my friend Richard Blaine
loves puzzles like this.

Do you know him?

Didyou get it done?

Wait! How do I get out of this thing?

What're you doing?
Finger fucking?

No. It's a Chinese finger puzzle.

See, the harder I pull
the morestuck I become.

It happened to me once.

Except that wasn't in apuzzle,
it was in anAsian chick.

What was her name?

Chew Me Wang.

You know, this thing
has got me thinking.

Hope is alot like this puzzle.

The harder I try the further
I get away fromsolving it.

If youwanna find out what happened
to Hope, do exactly as Isay...

and keep absolutely quiet.

Now wait here.

If youwannahave the greatest sex
of your life, do exactly as Isay.

Kinky.

Do you know it gets me hot?
Doing it in completesilence.

What are you doing?

Sam?

Holden?

I toldyou tostop trying
to find out what happened to Hope!

But youwouldn't listen!

You know that Chinese finger puzzle?

It doesn't just work on fingers!

0h God! Holden, low your puppy!
Low your puppy!

It's thewise guy!

Thisway. Come on, thisway!

Thisway!

0h my God!

Now cough.

My heart's beatingso f ast I can't
reduce the blood flow, you know?

You guys have been in the bathroom
along time. What's the holdup?

- How are you doing, Holden?
- No luck.

I need inspiration, I need...
impotence inspiring imagery.

What is this?

Check out this f at chick.
She's areal Bahamamama!

She is f atty f atty f at f at!

- I think it'sworking.
- Is it?

- Really?
- Yes. It... is.

Nothing likesomethingsaggy
to make you gosoggy.

Here. Try it, Sam.

It's you, isn't it?

What do yousay I take you out
for a cup of coffee?

I can't. My mascarais allsmeared.

And Ismeared my eyebrows too!

It's okay.
It's okay, just wipe it off.

I can't, ljust spilled the remover.
I'm a freak.

Come on, Annie.
Let me take you out.

See?We'll be freaks together.

People back then used
to call me a Gargantuan.

Now I'mwhat they call
nothingspecial, nothingscary.

I think you're very cute.

Thanks.

Let mesee.

It's very good.

When lwas alittle kid...

they used tosay that I looked like one
of thosestrange Dr. Seuss creatures.

They called me Sam IAm. You know,
from"Green Eggs and Ham"?

When they teased me, do you know
what I used to do to cheer myself up?

"I like to eat themwhen they 're hot
I'd also eat them mixedwithsnot"

"I'd eat them in the morning dew
I'll eat them 'til I have tospew"

"I like to eat green eggs and ham
Yes, I do - Sam IAm!"

Well... goodnight, Sam IAm.

Goodnight, Annie.

Tanya, are you okay?

Tanya, are you home?
It's Peggy, open up!

Tanya!

- 0h my God!
- lwas calling!

- My phone is off the hook.
- This is your big break.

There's abreakingstory
on Spring Street. You gottarun.

- Now?
- They 'll put you on camera.

- My god!
- Now!

I'mserious, man.
Her pager is her vibrator.

Iwaswonderingwhy sheset
her pager number onspeed dial.

It's anewspeed dial aidservice!

Come.

God!

Man, we gottastop laughing.

I'mstill recovering from
that Chinese puzzle!

It hurts, doesn't it?

...highSchool, where Mr.Delgado...
- Do you know her pager number?

I think it was like555- 0068
or something. Why?

- Testing out your theory.
- No, Holden. Don't!

Give me that!
You know what your problem is, Sam?

You're pussy- whipped.
Andyou're not even getting any pussy.

This Tanyais treatingyou likescum
andyoustand up for her...

becauseshe makes your pecker
stand up. Give me the phone!

- No! Goscrew yourself, man!
- Precisely.

That is the only way tostop awoman
from usingyour dick as astickshift...

and drivingyou around town
on a full tank of your hormones!

Take it from me, Sam.

I cannot tellyou the number of times
a girl has got me to fix her car...

or paint her house or
take her husband to the airport!

Show them damn f armers market and
sit through the pain- in- the- ass opera.

- Shut up, Jason! Shut up!
- No, Jason's right.

Jason's ameathead, but he's right.

Now listen, Sam. I did all kinds of
these things because a guy 's balls...

are the biggest reservoir of hope
thisworld has ever seen!

You know, trying to get laid by fixing
her f an belt is your f ault, yours!

Sam, you'reso full of man gravy!

Listen, you need to be more like me
and take matters into your own hands.

Why do you think
they call it "masturbate"?

Because it allows you to be
the master of your own f ate.

And it's not just aphysical release.

It's arelease of women's
control over you! Jason!

You don't need them,
they can't manipulate you.

I'm doing this for your own good.
Today is your independence day, Sam!

...watchingsome amazingstory...

that...if...anyone...

deserves a...

Miraclescan happenl

You'resuch a...

a dick!

Andso are you.

After standingupfor Tanya,
Idecided Ishould stand upfor myself.

Specially withthe evil
shedumper, Gretchen.

You know what, Gretchen?
It just occurred to me.

You're just like this bike.

I'm cool, I'm thirsty.
I'm cool, I'm thirsty.

- You'reso directionless.
- I don't know what lwant to do.

0n one hand I could be a graphic
designer, or I could be asinger...

or I could be a doctor, or I could be
apet detective, or I could...

And I'm always pumping up your ego
like"you're very creative"...

- I'm creative.
- ..."You're very smart"...

- I'msmart.
- ..."You're very sexy"...

I'msexy. I amsexy.

You're really on maintenance.

- Come on, let's go.
- But Carl is the other way.

Yeah, but I gotta go now.

But youwouldn't even have this bike
if I hadn't given you mine.

You know what?
It's your bike andyou can keep it.

Because it's areal piece of work.

Alright!

I'll give it to Carl.
I don't needyou to ride my bike!

What happened to the breaks?
Sam, help!

- Sugar with the coffee, right?
- Yeah, please.

You know what Isaw on the
shopping tent the other day?

They 'reselling action figures
of the Pope.

Really?

What are you doingwith my box?

That we can play checkers.

Sowhat do you dowhen there's
somethingyou really want...

but you know you can never have it?

You become a delivery guy
for your uncle.

But becoming an artist... is that
what you alwayswanted to do?

So thenwhy didyou quit?

'Cause my f avorite teacher
told me I couldn't draw.

People arewrong all the time.

Why don't you draw me?

Forget it.

I used to pose for art classes
all the time.

I could never do you justice.

If you draw me,
I'llshow you my etchings.

Well, I'msure your etchings
are amasterpiece.

You really need tosee the
cross- etching to appreciate it.

- Let'ssee.
- No, it's terrible.

Come on. Let mesee.
I let yousee.

That's not terrible.
Why do you think it's bad?

Look at thespatial relationships.

That's too exaggerated.
Barely looks like you.

I made you funny- looking.
It's like a5- year- old did this.

Iwas just watching aspecial
on Picasso.

You know what hesaid
about his own drawings?

That he'dstrive
to draw like a child.

Because hesaid that a child's
drawings are unaffected by rules...

and they are extremely expressive.

They truthfully show
what's inside the child.

Yeah, but lwasn't striving to draw
like a child. Just happened by mistake.

Maybe your mistakes
are really your style.

Maybewe make
mistakes because...

deep downwe really
want to make them.

I lost my job thanks to you!

I didn't make those calls, alright?
It was my cousin Holden.

His dad own this place.
It's true, I tried tostop him.

You're lying.

No, really. Holden and I got
into abig fight about it.

- Yeah, right.
- Just because I'm a guy...

doesn't mean I'm out toscrew you.
Why do you hate menso much?

Women are just superior to men.

- Like how?
- Like you can't have babies.

- You can't open jars of peanut butter.
- Women mature f aster than men.

- Men are f aster in the bathroom.
- Allserial killers are men.

- Almost all cereal box mascot are men.
- Women can have multiple orgasms.

- We don't have to f ake them.
- Women live longer than men.

- It's away we can get away fromyou.
- You can't take anythingseriously.

- You can't take a joke.
- I don't need aman for a thing.

You just set your beepers on vibrate.

0kay! So put your hands up here, pal!

That is real good, pretty lady.

That's... 0kay, here it is.
Here's the deal.

Isaid put your hands up!

I don't want any funny business!There
are0,000 comedians out of work.

And I don't needyou to act funny
like abump in alog!

Now, let me tellyou
what this is all about.

Everyday I come in here
and Isay "Hey pal...

can youspare a cup of coffee?
Cream? A littlesugar?"

And everyday, every day and day
you give me arag time! Guesswhat?

Today you're on the rag!
You understandwhat I'msaying?

It's your turn! So lwant you
to open that cash register...

take out all of the cash and
while you're at it, let'ssee...

Give me apack of smokes,
UltraLight 100...

apack of your breath mints,
and... awet lubricant stuff!

I'm gonnaparty tonight! I am!

Andyou know what?
I'm gonnaparty on your dime!

You don't wanna get me pissed off!

Do it now! 0pen that cash register,
boy!And give me...!

God!

I thought yousaidyou didn't
need aman for anything.

Please!You couldn't
have done it without me.

Hope!

Come on, Hope! 0pen up!

- Sam!
- They 're evictingyou.

Yeah. That'swhat happens, okay...

when you don't go towork,
get apaycheck and pay your rent!

- Wouldyou please just leave?
- lwon't leave 'til I get some answers.

Sam, you're not helping.

Then at least tell me
when this is gonnabe over.

I don't know!

- I keep looking for proof.
- Proof of what?

Sam, you've been really sweet.

I think it's best wesay goodbye now.

I'm not gonnaleave.

I'llstay out here forever
if I have to.

I heardyou and Hope before.

I bakedyou this.
It's chocolate, my f avorite.

- No, thanks.
- lt'll make you feel better.

Really. Every time lwassad
I had one of these.

- Does it work?
- Worked for me hundreds of times.

Youshould keep it then.

Hello, my name is Annie,
I'm a chocoholic.

I've been cocoa free for
1year, 3 months and6 days.

I have abite of this
and I'm an addict again!

0kay, I'msorry. I forgot.
Let me get a taste here.

That's good.

Didyou know that chocolate
has thesame chemical in it...

that your body produces
when you're in love?

- Is that true?
- I don't know for sure, I've...

never been in love before,
but that'swhat they say.

- You have nice legs.
- No.

Please just stop looking at them.

Let mesee your butt.

No, I don't want you tosee my legs,
I'm not gonnalet yousee my butt!

No, it just occurred to me I never
checked out your butt for thescar.

- I don't have ascar.
- Come on, let mesee your butt.

- It's not abig deal.
- Just stop it!

Don't worry, Annie.
No one is to look at your behind.

You can just let bigstrong guy like me
get in touchwith Miss Sweet Cheeks.

That's not f air, Mr. Hand
is to have all the fun!

That's not true, Signor Chin.
Johnny 0ne- Eye is to have all the fun.

Correction, Sir Belly!

Johnny 0ne- Eye is alot uptight,
he never gets tosee the light of day.

You can't keep me in here forever!
lwill rise again!

Johnny! I hate it whenwe're apart.

You are the Shakespeare
of Body Part Theater.

Well...

if this is the theater, then I think
you're missingsomething.

A womanso beautiful...

needs a diamond necklace
whenshe goes to ashow.

You like that?

Well, if you're my date...

then you are alittle
underdressed, I think.

Please, give me akiss!

No! No, areal kiss!

Please give me areal kiss!

How about givingsome tongue?

You know what?

- Hey, Annie.
- Hey, Sam IAm.

Does this building
have astorage place?

Yeah, in the basement. Why?

I thought maybe Hope
havestoredsomething there.

Maybewe can findsomething out.

What?

Nothing, ljust...
kind of figuredwe're together.

We are together.
I'mso happy right now.

Why are youstill trying to find out
what'swrongwith Hope?

- Becauseshe's my friend.
- Don't go down there.

Hey, look.

- Nothing'swrong, okay? It's okay.
- Please, Sam.

Why? Are you jealous?

0h, no.

I'm new at this. I toldyou it's the
first time I get areal boyfriend.

- Just makes me feel funny.
- It's okay.

- Just do one thing for me.
- What?

Just stop trying to help Hope.

No, I can't. I'msorry.

She's my friend,
I'm not gonna abandon her.

Right, motherfucker!That's right!

- That's it, Peeping Tom!
- He's in thewall! He's in thewall!

He's in thewall, girls! Help me!

Get him, girls! Get him!

Get him!

- Get him!
- Annie!

Annie, come on.
0pen the door, please!

I don't wannasee you anymore.
You made your choice.

- Come on, please, Annie! 0pen the door!
- Go away.

Ishould have figured it was you.
Hold himstill.

Wait! I can explain!

How is that portable
pocket pussy going?

- That's not what it is.
- Yeah, sure it is. Look at that thing.

Got alittle nickname for it?
Cock- Sucky Sue?

I know you just can't wait to get
your tongue in there and lub it up.

Shut up! It's my turn to talk.

This device is for my...

por... problem. I can't even
say theword, but...

let's just say that's how it spells,
like aport.

You know how addicts useso many
drugs they can't get high anymore?

That'swhat happened to me, man.
I overdosed on hardcore and now...

I can't get ahard- on.

While holdenwastelling me
about his important problem...

that'swhen I heard it.

What was humphrey Bogart's
character's name...

inthe classic film"Casablanca"?

Richard Blainel

Richard BlainelThat wasthe name
of Bogart'scharacter in"Casablanca".

- Here, I'llshut off.
Youwon 50Odollars, Danl

Congratulations.

Ishouldn't have got that used.

Richard Blaine,
as in"Play it again, Sam".

Might aswell been
"You've been played, Sam."

But lwasn't gonnabe played
any longer.

I now had ahunch.
I just neededto test it.

Mr. Willens, please let me by
this one last time.

You take one morestep forward,
you're gonna findyourself in chunks.

In my stool.

And no one's gonna care.

I'm just protecting the girls
from the likes of you.

You're the one they need
protection from!

- Who's gonnabelieve you?
- They will.

When they find that
you're the grossest man alive.

- Thend grossest! Let my friend go!
- How are you gonnamake me do that?

Ho- Chi mama!

Come on, girls!

That's allyou got?

Hello, ladies.

So that's my story.

And I can tell by the looks
on your f aces...

there's gonnabe only oneway
of convincingyou to let me go.

Willyou let meshow you?

Yousee, this is irrefutable proof
that men are gross.

Maybe Ishould be more precise: men
without women are absolutely gross.

I did all of this, everything,
for awoman.

Men needyou.

Men needwomen tosave us
from ourselves.

Alright, let him go.

I brought you down, you circus freak!

So you're the onewho paged me?

- How didyou find out?
- Sam.

He told me you guys
had a fight over it.

- Hewas right. Men are gross.
- And I'm the perfect example.

But he forgot to mention one thing:
that men can also be heroic.

I think it's apretty noble thing
you did, coming to his rescue.

Why didyou do it?

I didn't want him to end up like me.

Hi. ljust wanted to makesure
that after the other night...

that we'restill good, still friends.

0f course.

How didyou know?

All the clues, they were red herrings.

What's going on?

Please don't be mad.

I don't even know where tostart.

Why not by telling me if you've really
beensad for all theses months?

Yes. Thewhole time.
Willyou pleasesit?

I lost someone really close to me.
Jesse.

Hewas my best friend in thewhole
world ever since I can remember.

Let's dosome hairdo.

Six months ago,
everything changed.

Jesse!

- What?
- What are you doing?

I don't know. Westarted being
friends, Hope. You know...

Iwannabe your boyfriend.

Haven't you ever
thought of me that way before?

Not really. I mean you've
always been a true friend.

Someone that I can trust.

Like abrother.

Andyou've always been this guy that
has never f ailed to make mesmile.

That'sso nice!You know,
but... Iwant more than this.

0kay? If lwanted a friend
I'd go hang out with the guys.

Men don't want female friends.
All menwant are girlfriends.

Sowhy don't we kiss andsee if
there's any spark between us, okay?

- Jesse, please! Don't!
- I don't get this!

Last week Isaw you make out with
some guy you'd known for an hour...

but youwon't kiss me?
Hope, I've known you all my life!

Let's just kiss andsee how it feels,
alright? Let's just kiss.

- Just give me a...
- Please! Stop!

Get off!

You owe me this, Hope, okay?
Give me a fucking kiss!

- Get off! Stop it!
- Shut up!

- Jesse, don't...!
- Give me akiss!

Stop it! Get off!

Get off of me!

That'swhen Icame to believe that I
could never trust aman's friendship.

Because amanwasonly doing it
because he wanted more.

And if Icouldn't trust men as a friend
how could lever trust men as alover?

Then I met you again.

- Hope!
- Hello, Sam.

Itold Annie about everything because
she and I had became really close.

He's out there again.

If Sam could prove that
hewas your true friend...

wouldyou let him be your true love?

Andwould Santa Claus bring him
here for Christmas, Annie?

Couldn't hurt tosee how f ar he'd go.

Ever since I met you lwanted
to take you to dinner and the movies.

He's out there. What do I do?

He just wants to know
why you'resosad.

Let's give himsome clues.

- An album cover? That's not a clue.
- But Sam doesn't know that.

Weshould just stop, okay?

I'm gonnabe even more depressed
if Sam turns out to be just like Jesse.

We can't, we're in too deep.

Here he comes! Here he comes!

"I cried my eyes out..."

And thenwrite: "...that Richard Blaine
knows nothing about love."

Finally something presented itself.

I think Sam likes me.

Just do one thing for me.

Stop trying to help Hope.

Ididn't plan for this finaltest.

No, she's my friend.
I can't abandon her.

But it allseemedworth it.

Youstillwanted to be my friend
even after you had a girlfriend...

and at the risk of losing
the girlfriend.

That'swhen I had proof
that you are for real.

Youwere a true friend.

And now I've f allen
completely in lovewith you.

Andwhy aren't yousmiling now?

- Because you're not smiling.
- What didyou expect?

I knew lwasweird,
but I didn't know lwasstupid.

Sam, you're not stupid.

Andwhat you think isweird
I find charming.

Andwhat you call
accidentally funny...

I call plainly funny.

It's theway to awoman's heart,
Sam. By making her smile.

Andyou've made mesmile.

Yeah, but all of this...
none of this is real.

This is real.

Carl! Come on! It hurts!

God! Hurry up, you idiot!
What'swrongwith you?

This painkiller sucks!Yousuck!

Think off!

Where'd everything go?

Dumpster.

That Willens guy gave me thewillies.

That could've been me in a year.

Months maybe.

Yeah. I know the feeling.

Aren't you gonnaneed
some of thisstuff?

Not since Tanya and I hooked up.

Right. I'm happy for you, my friend.

Sam?

Check this out.

Come on!That's funny.

Talk to me.

What?

I'm not blind.

Something'swrong if the cartoon
on my ass isn't makingyousmile.

No, I'm okay.

You've got aproblem.

You love me but you think
you might also love Annie.

No, I don't.

Well, she loves you.

She didn't plan it, but it happened.

And I know you care for her too.

And I love you, Sam.

And lwant youso bad...

there's amillionsmiles
I have for us toshare.

And I can make you love me more.

But it's... time for me
to be a friend to you.

What are you talking about?

I'm not lettingyou go,
but I'msettingyou free.

You have to decide for yourself.

Annie, look, I need to talk to you.

What do youwant?

You know what isworse than not
being able to findsomeone'ssmile?

Makingsomeone lose theirs.

- lwannahelp you get yours back.
- I'll find it myself.

When I get to the bottom of this
chocolate- chocolate chip.

Look, Annie, I love you.

That's kind of hard for me to believe
after everythingyou've done for her.

Look, it's true. Remember all those
drawings I did the other night...

when lwas camped
outside of Hope's door?

They weren't of her.
They were of you, they 're all of you.

- That meanssomething, right?
- You're confused.

You've hurt Gargantuan, the girl
who's f at but has a great personality.

Now you feel guilty. You think
you care about me but it's just pity.

Goodbye, Sam.

No, Annie, don't. I'm not leaving
here untilyou look at this.

Annie, please!

What's in the case?

- Got any dirty pictures in here?
- Give it back!

You know, the cops came by
to talk to me the other day.

Now I gotta take this cab down to the
station and answer more questions.

These drawings are irreplaceable,
willyou just please give them back?

These are all of thesame girl!
That bitch, Annie!

- Give it back.
- Why should I?

Look, if you do, lwon't tell the cops
that youwere on those passageways.

I need those drawings toshow Annie
how much I care for her.

If I lose the drawings I'm gonna
lose Annie. Now give them back!

You know, I may be the pervert
the cops are looking for...

but I'm not going down for it.

No, I think I'm gonnakeep these.

The cops may be curious about these.
All of thesame girl?

Looks to me like
you got an obsession.

The cops are gonnaperk upwhen
I tell themyou've beenstalking her.

See you in court, sport!

Let him go, Willens!

Undercover detective!
You're under arrest.

- What? I didn't do nothing!
- 0h yeah.

Iwasn't on my knees
praying all those times...

Iwas on my knees
planting listening devices!

We know all about you.

Get in.

11th Precinct, please.

I think somebody 's lost their smile.

Come on, girls, we can't lose
onesingle paper! Go, go!

- Here you go, Sam.
- Thank you.

- Here you go, Sam.
- Here.

- This is for you.
- Found this.

- Here's one.
- Good luck!

Annie!

Annie, come to thewindow!

Please!

Annie!

Come on! Come to thewindow!

Please, Annie!

Annie, look at it! Come on,
please, willyou look at it!

Annie!Are you crazy?

Can't yousee how much
Sam cares about you?

Annie, I love you!

This is the only way
I can get you tosee how I feel!

CAPTl0NS BYVIDE0LAR