Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,368 --> 00:00:01,902
Only on Fox.
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,308
-Morning.
-(Margaret sighs)
3
00:00:07,342 --> 00:00:09,710
-Morning.
-Good morning. (laughs)
4
00:00:09,744 --> 00:00:13,548
It is a great morning, isn't it?
(chuckles)
5
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:19,254
Any reason why you're
pouring rum on your pancakes?
6
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,689
Any reason why your breath
smells like
7
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,224
a graveyard port-o-potty?
8
00:00:23,258 --> 00:00:26,026
-Oh.
-Oh.
9
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,062
It's the morning, Margaret.
10
00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:30,398
Yeah, he's a post-breakfast
brusher.
11
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:33,368
Oh, why does his breath smell
like that at dinner, too?
12
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,836
-Whoa.
-Whoa.
13
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:39,507
Margaret, you're pouring rum
on your pancakes.
14
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,376
You're lashing out at Hank,
15
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:44,445
for what is admittedly
a problem.
16
00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:46,247
What's going on with you?
17
00:00:46,281 --> 00:00:48,883
Nothing. I'm great.
18
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,420
Oh, well, that's really a relief
to hear. Good for you.
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:55,022
You weren't very good as a
parent, were you, Charlie?
20
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,793
I think I was; I mean, they all
sued me, but none of them won.
21
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:03,163
No, seriously, Margaret,
what is going on with you?
22
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:06,567
There's the birthday girl.
23
00:01:06,601 --> 00:01:08,135
Happy 65th.
24
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,438
-Oh. (chuckles)
-Oh.
25
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:14,108
Okay, let's just don't make
a big deal of this.
26
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:15,276
Of course not.
27
00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:19,246
We got a dusty crusty
right here!
28
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,881
All right, gang.
We're gonna sing
29
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,284
my favorite song ever written.
"Happy Birthday."
30
00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:24,452
* Happy...
31
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,754
You really need to go.
32
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:31,125
Okay, please, just nobody say
another word about my birthday.
33
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,930
* 65! 65!
34
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:41,302
* Our favorite girl
is still alive. *
35
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,642
Bad time?
36
00:01:49,644 --> 00:01:51,546
*
37
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:14,502
Ma'am, you are being
unreasonable.
38
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,704
No, you're being unreasonable,
ma'am. Ma'am?
39
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,939
Get this,
they won't take the cake back
40
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:21,476
once you've been inside of it.
41
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:24,812
So I guess I'm out $400 because
somebody doesn't like birthdays.
42
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:28,315
Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not
excited about being a senior.
43
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,317
There's something about
that word.
44
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:33,287
For the first time in my life,
I feel... old.
45
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,555
Well, too bad
there isn't something
46
00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,290
to make you feel childlike
and young like,
47
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,692
oh, I don't know, a cake!
48
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:42,397
Who says being a senior means
you're old? We're seniors.
49
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,532
And we're in the primes
of our lives.
50
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:48,903
And I tell you som... (coughs)
51
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,204
(continues coughing)
52
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,539
(clears throat)
53
00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,042
I happen to like being a senior.
54
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,513
Nobody liked this sweater
when I was a teenager.
55
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,348
I don't consider myself
a senior at all.
56
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:04,318
I count my age from when
I came out to my wife
57
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,253
and my new life began.
58
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:09,156
New Year's Eve 1999.
59
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:15,095
I was so scared about that Y2K,
I just... blurted it out.
60
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:17,331
Far as I'm concerned, I'm 18.
61
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:20,768
Barely legal.
62
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,903
Is that when you started
dressing like
63
00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:25,573
an ice cream cone
with extra sprinkles?
64
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:27,775
Ooh.
65
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,277
Ooh-ooh.
I know what this is about.
66
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:32,680
Hank, it's 'cause she's a woman.
67
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:33,881
Excuse me?
68
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,417
Shh. Margaret,
I'm talking to Hank.
69
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:38,953
You see, men age gracefully.
70
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:43,190
As we get older we become either
distinguished fancy men
71
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,892
or grizzled cowboys.
72
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:49,597
Or in my case,
a grizzled fancy man.
73
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,867
Whereas with women,
it's either invisible
74
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,135
or scary forest witch.
75
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:57,371
Oh, screw you.
76
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,973
What? I didn't say it.
77
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:02,577
I'm just repeating what society
told me, Margaret.
78
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,712
My boy is right.
You're not old.
79
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,647
You're just upset
because society
80
00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,583
has tricked you
into thinking you're old.
81
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,619
Did you just mansplain
gender politics to me?
82
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,621
Baby. Baby, baby, listen.
83
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,090
I don't think you're using the
term, "mansplaining" properly.
84
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,793
Are you mansplaining
"mansplaining" to me?
85
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,095
Don't answer.
It's a trick.
86
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:25,132
Well, I am certainly excited to
become a scary forest witch.
87
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,668
I'm just sorry you guys won't
be around to see it
88
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:30,270
with your short little
male life spans.
89
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:31,772
But here's a preview for you.
90
00:04:31,806 --> 00:04:33,974
(witchy voice):
You're old, Hank!
91
00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:36,443
You're all old!
92
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,245
(normal voice):
And now, if you'll excuse me,
93
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,948
I'm gonna go whip up some
Long Island Iced Teas
94
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,883
in my cauldron!
95
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:49,857
You know what we need to do?
96
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:53,994
Yep, grab a couple flasks
and go hit that cauldron.
97
00:04:54,028 --> 00:04:56,797
We need to take her out for
a night on the town
98
00:04:56,831 --> 00:04:58,799
and convince her
that she is wrong,
99
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:02,002
that we are not old
and that my breath smells good.
100
00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:06,607
I'm in. I mean, you would think
that a $400 cake
101
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:09,944
would have cheered her up,
but I'm over it.
102
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,445
I am over it.
103
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,147
You know, it's about respect.
104
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,816
It's just...
105
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,292
(knocking on door)
106
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,994
* Her name is Margaret
107
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,529
* She's 65
108
00:05:28,563 --> 00:05:30,197
* She likes to party
109
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,066
* She don't take no jive
110
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,467
* Go, Margaret
111
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,002
* Go, Margaret, go, Margaret
112
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,838
* Go, Margaret, go, Margaret,
go, Margaret *
113
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,574
(breathless):
* Go, Margaret, go, Margaret.
114
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,308
-Are you all right?
-(Margaret laughs)
115
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,343
What the hell is this?
116
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,979
Margaret, put the liquor down.
117
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,681
We're taking you out
to get drunk.
118
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,984
No, you guys, I am fine
with my P-booze-and-J.
119
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:53,520
And what the hell
are you guys wearing?
120
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:56,023
You look like extras
in the "Beat It" video.
121
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,391
This is Ver-sace.
122
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,893
You mean Versace?
123
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:02,529
No, I mean Ver-sace,
I couldn't afford the "ace."
124
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,198
We're taking you out
for a good old-fashioned
125
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:05,399
young person's night.
126
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,936
I don't think young people
call it "young person's night."
127
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:12,006
And I know they don't wear
fanny packs.
128
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,074
Well, they should, 'cause
there's everything in here
129
00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:15,542
a young person could want.
130
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,511
There's reading glasses,
comfort insoles,
131
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,913
rolling papers,
132
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,749
calcium toffee chews
for strong bones.
133
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,550
You got my breath mints, right?
134
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,485
Ooh, I hope so.
135
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,956
Guys, let me hide
from my birthday
136
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,625
the way I want to, okay?
137
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:33,093
I'm gonna finish my little
P-booze-and-J.
138
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,730
I'm gonna make a little
beer-rito for dinner.
139
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,065
I'm gonna pound five or six
cocktails for dessert.
140
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,567
Make a little nightcap
and I'm off to bed.
141
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,436
You can eat all that crap
tomorrow.
142
00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,071
Hell, we'll even eat it
with you.
143
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,941
But tonight, you're gonna have
the best birthday of your life.
144
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:50,010
Put. This. On.
145
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:55,716
Welcome to the coolest jazz club
in all of suburban Tucson:
146
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,285
Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe.
147
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,655
I'm gonna make sure we all
get taken care of
148
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:03,824
'cause, you know, I know Ronnie.
149
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:06,627
Wow, Hank, I had no idea
you were such a big shot
150
00:07:06,661 --> 00:07:09,664
in the outer metropolitan
nightlife world.
151
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,099
You know, uh, Prince came up
in here one night.
152
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,901
And I, myself,
gave him directions
153
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,637
to the club
he was trying to get to.
154
00:07:16,671 --> 00:07:18,072
Can you hold this ChapStick?
155
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,575
'Cause it's standing room only
in these pants.
156
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,645
Well, let me see.
No room in the front.
157
00:07:24,679 --> 00:07:26,346
Let me check around back.
158
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,782
Okay.
159
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,116
You're wearing two fanny packs?
160
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:33,087
No, I'm wearing one because
I only want half my stuff.
161
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,090
Uh, listen,
we're almost to the bouncer.
162
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,959
Can you guys be cool for ten
seconds? Let me handle this.
163
00:07:38,993 --> 00:07:40,861
What's up, my man? (laughs)
164
00:07:40,895 --> 00:07:44,298
My man, my man, my man, my man,
my man, my man, my man.
165
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:49,036
How you living? Large? Listen,
uh, I'm a friend of Ronnie's.
166
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,806
-I don't know any Ronnie.
-Well, sure you do.
167
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,540
Isn't this Ronnie's
Swing Time Cafe?
168
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:55,843
No, this is Twerk Lab.
169
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:59,814
If only there was a way
we could've known.
170
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:02,316
Well, what happened
to Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe?
171
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:05,152
-It became Twerk Lab.
-Well, that was fun.
172
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,487
Time to go? I want to get home
and journal about this
173
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,156
while it's still fresh
in my mind.
174
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,159
Going home is what
four old people would do,
175
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,828
and we are not old.
176
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,629
Uh, my good man. (chuckles)
177
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,832
I got four dance scientists
178
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:21,335
who are prepared
to enter the Twerk Lab.
179
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:25,706
None of you are coming inside.
I would immediately be fired.
180
00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:31,378
(clears throat) How about
for three calcium chews?
181
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,580
Guys, it's a no.
182
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,415
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
183
00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:37,584
Four calcium chews.
184
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,653
-Did you say four calcium chews?
-Uh-huh.
185
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,255
Okay, all right, you got it.
Come on in.
186
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:44,224
-You serious?
-No, I'm not. Back up, please.
187
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,697
Joke's on that hater
'cause I know another way in.
188
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:53,200
So, y'all can just thank me now
189
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,202
after I open this...
190
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,204
Damn.
191
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,907
Ronnie never locked that door
back when I used to come here.
192
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:03,043
Maybe that's why
Ronnie went out of business.
193
00:09:03,077 --> 00:09:06,013
You know, I bet someone could
crawl through there
194
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,882
and open the door for us.
195
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,818
If only one of us
was little enough.
196
00:09:11,886 --> 00:09:14,388
Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no.
197
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,456
I know what y'all are thinking.
198
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:19,693
Everybody loves
to hoist the little guy.
199
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,561
We're a team, Sid.
200
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,263
We all have a special skill.
201
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:26,967
Mine is my big-ass brain
that works good, and yours is...
202
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,303
Well, I lost
my train of thought.
203
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,074
Here we go again.
I have heard it all before.
204
00:09:34,108 --> 00:09:36,210
"Sid, climb under that fence."
205
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,579
"Sid, squeeze through that
doggy door and grab my keys."
206
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:42,582
"Sid, hop on the conveyor belt
and go around baggage claim
207
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,751
and see what the holdup is."
208
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:47,654
Well, I'm not doing it anymore.
209
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,456
Fine. Doesn't matter anyway.
210
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:52,426
Hell, I don't think you would
fit with those extra pounds.
211
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,294
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
212
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,630
Here it comes.
213
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:07,741
(guttural grunt)
214
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,944
Uh, unisex bathroom.
215
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:12,947
Ooh, tres chic. (groans)
216
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,850
Oh! Freakin' gross!
217
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:18,953
My pashmina's
in the pee-pee!
218
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,754
-Oh! Oh. Oh, I flushed it.
-(toilet flushing)
219
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,990
I flushed it. I...
Can I get some help?
220
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:26,460
Help! Help me! I'm going down.
221
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:29,129
Oh!
222
00:10:29,163 --> 00:10:31,131
*
223
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:37,171
God, I hope those gunshots
are part of the song.
224
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,973
What are you talking about,
Margaret?
225
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,507
This place is over the chain.
226
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:43,543
Really? You into this sick beat?
227
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:45,045
Why, yes, I am.
228
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:47,447
This is probably one
of my favorite current tracks.
229
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,050
Who is this artist?
230
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,318
This artist performing
right here?
231
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:54,321
-Yeah.
-Uh, this is probably, uh...
232
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:57,824
Lil... (sighs)
233
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:00,694
DJ... You Betcha.
(clears throat)
234
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:02,462
Lil DJ You Betcha?
235
00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:05,332
-You betcha! Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
236
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,301
And singing this hook
right here?
237
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:11,005
That's, um... I-I believe
that's my girl, uh, Shadoinka.
238
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:14,008
Shadoinka? You know,
I don't think I've heard
239
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,675
of either one of those artists.
240
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,712
Well, that's 'cause you don't
follow the charts like I do.
241
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,650
-Let's hit that dance floor,
birthday girl.
-Ugh.
242
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,220
I'm feeling the beat in my seat.
243
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,587
Just follow me.
244
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:31,191
-I'm your wingman.
We're in this together.
-Okay.
245
00:11:31,225 --> 00:11:34,161
Whoo! Uh...
246
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,365
-Sid!
-Damn it, Margaret, I'm busy!
247
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,268
Read the room!
248
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,778
Hi, sweetie. Are you lost?
249
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:53,380
Is it that obvious?
250
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,515
I have no idea
what I'm doing here. (chuckles)
251
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,218
Well, maybe we can
figure it out together.
252
00:11:58,252 --> 00:12:00,720
This isn't real.
253
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,756
This can't be real.
254
00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:05,725
Oh, it's real.
I promise it's real.
255
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:08,362
Oh, my damn.
256
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,297
(purring)
257
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,369
Man, it's loud in here.
258
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,271
You ever gonna
answer your phone?
259
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:18,872
(loudly):
My phone's not ringing.
260
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,108
That's not good.
261
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:24,578
Can I have a Harvey Wallbanger,
please?
262
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,313
He doesn't know what that is.
263
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,582
That's why
I brought along a recipe.
264
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,617
See?
265
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,820
If you accept that you're old,
you can be prepared.
266
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:36,556
I'm not old,
and I'll prove it to you.
267
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,293
I hope you got binoculars
in your little, uh, belt purse,
268
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,760
'cause you're gonna want
to see these moves.
269
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:43,097
(chuckles)
Do I have binoculars?
270
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,932
I do.
271
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,567
Where do you live?
I'll take you home.
272
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,438
Oh, you move fast, Lucas,
and I like it.
273
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:54,108
I just don't want the people
who take care of you to worry.
274
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:55,509
I know what it's like.
275
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,844
My nana was always
wandering off, too.
276
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:04,985
Wait a minute. So you mean
you're not trying to sleep me?
277
00:13:05,019 --> 00:13:08,555
You creep! You should
be ashamed of yourself!
278
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,960
Your loss, buddy,
'cause this body knows things.
279
00:13:16,863 --> 00:13:19,033
*
280
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,539
Evening, ladies.
281
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,141
You gals like fresh trout?
282
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,576
'Cause the moves I'm about
to show you are off the hook.
283
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,313
He-he-he.
284
00:13:33,347 --> 00:13:36,483
-(pants ripping)
-Ow! Ooh.
285
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,386
I tried to bust a move,
but the move busted me.
286
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,122
Yeah, you ripped your pants
and your underpants.
287
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:44,191
You got a lot going on
back there, pal.
288
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,293
Listen, cover for me, Charlie.
289
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:49,029
Let's make it to the bathroom.
290
00:13:49,063 --> 00:13:53,400
I truly am having the time
of my life.
291
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:04,511
You know, earlier,
a young man called me Mr. T.
292
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:08,615
Now the fool I'm pitying most
is myself.
293
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,419
How's it coming
with my pants, Charlie?
294
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,922
Uh, good. Almost done
sewing up your butthole here.
295
00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:20,660
Well, we're old.
296
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,429
Happy birthday, Margaret.
297
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,199
Would've been much happier
if I was in bed
298
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,867
eating a booze-nana split
right now.
299
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,569
But you two
dragged me down here,
300
00:14:29,603 --> 00:14:33,006
and I got blue-balled
by some jailbait hottie
301
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,042
who mistook me
for his lost granny.
302
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:39,846
Well, I got nothing
in my pack for that.
303
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,117
But if it would help,
I'd be happy to hit on you.
304
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,885
Aw, thanks, Charlie. (chuckles)
305
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,054
Hello, gorgeous.
306
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:53,927
What do you say you and I find
a mossy clearing in the woods
307
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,062
and do what nature...
308
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,965
Charlie, I meant "thanks"
like "I'm good."
309
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,768
Whoo! I need a break.
310
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,804
I keep telling these boys
not to fall in love,
311
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:07,774
but they will not listen.
312
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:11,077
You know what the worst part
about getting old is?
313
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,413
Oh, this sounds like fun.
314
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:17,083
I used to be excited
to do so many big things.
315
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,719
Live in Paris.
Be a famous folk singer.
316
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,122
Learn how to make a frittata.
And now...
317
00:15:22,156 --> 00:15:23,590
(scoffs) Not gonna happen.
318
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,659
Honey, you can still make
that frittata.
319
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,461
It's just eggs.
320
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:29,763
You wanted to be a folk singer?
321
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:34,168
I almost was. I recorded
a folk album back in 1971.
322
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,336
Yeah, she played me
a couple cuts. It's pretty good.
323
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,338
A minor record label
picked me up.
324
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,440
I wrote it about
this relationship that I was in
325
00:15:40,474 --> 00:15:41,908
where I was stepped on
and ignored
326
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,911
and taken for granted.
It was called Carpet.
327
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,012
Wow, that's awful.
328
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:47,781
Hmm. It was a tough time for me.
329
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,983
No, I meant the album title.
330
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,518
The worst part is
331
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,187
the day before Carpet came out,
332
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,122
Carole King released Tapestry.
333
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,592
Now, that's
a professional title.
334
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,360
Anyway,
335
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,996
Tapestry blew Carpet
right out of the water.
336
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:04,631
(chuckles)
I thought you were gonna say
337
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:08,802
that Tapestry swept Carpet
under the rug.
338
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:12,539
You missed an opportunity.
339
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,542
Okay! Maybe that joke
will up the mood in here.
340
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,844
I used to care
about so many things.
341
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,446
Well, crud.
342
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,148
-Now I don't really give a crap
about anything.
-(chuckles)
343
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:23,550
But, Margaret,
you're missing the point.
344
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,685
Not giving a crap
is the greatest thing
345
00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:26,886
about growing old.
346
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,688
I mean, look at these two, okay?
347
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:31,625
(crying): She's wearing
the same dress as me.
348
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,693
I am an idiot!
349
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,497
Ah.
350
00:16:37,531 --> 00:16:41,535
Remember how it felt to care
about everything all the time?
351
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,036
-It was terrible.
-Yeah.
352
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,039
And getting old,
you can just be yourself.
353
00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:48,508
Oh, I wish I could have
been myself earlier.
354
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:50,210
I should have come out
of the closet
355
00:16:50,244 --> 00:16:52,879
the minute I knew I was gay
at age...
356
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,314
uh, well, five.
357
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:58,051
Well, no, four or five.
Whenever I saw Ben-Hur.
358
00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,354
You guys are right.
You know what?
359
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,721
Being young sucks ass.
360
00:17:01,755 --> 00:17:04,190
And not giving a crap,
that's kind of my thing.
361
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,525
I just, I let a number
362
00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:07,827
on the calendar
make me forget that.
363
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:08,895
Yeah, I mean, so what?
364
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:12,098
I took a chance, I danced,
I ripped my pants.
365
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:13,833
(laughs)
366
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:14,868
No, I know you were trying
367
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:18,104
to be serious,
but that rhyming made me giggle.
368
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:21,040
Hey, I have got ten minutes left
in my birthday,
369
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,042
and I am not drunk enough.
370
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,044
Oh, I can remedy that.
It's your 65th,
371
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,781
so we're gonna do 65 shots each.
372
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,215
Hank, I'll die.
373
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,118
Okay, then. Uh, combined.
374
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,020
-Party time!
-(all laugh)
375
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,556
Ain't nothing
gonna slow us down now.
376
00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:38,492
(grunts)
377
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,467
Yes, let's go! Whoo!
378
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:49,603
(laughs)
379
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,806
Okay, 65 shots
of premium tequila.
380
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,441
That'll be $900.
381
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,876
Here's 50 bucks.
Keep the change, brother.
382
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,313
Um, I said $900.
383
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,780
I can't hear you.
We're very old.
384
00:18:00,814 --> 00:18:02,115
Start drinking, Margaret.
385
00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:05,619
CHARLIE:
Excuse me.
386
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,587
Um, it's my friend Margaret's
birthday,
387
00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:09,889
and she would like
to sing a song
388
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:13,560
from her 1971
poorly titled album, Carpet.
389
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,095
Oh, no, what is that
banana head doing?
390
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:19,065
Come on, Margaret. You don't
give a crap what people think.
391
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,434
Remember? In the bathroom?
392
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,402
After I said we should have sex
in the forest?
393
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:26,139
Stop talking, Charlie.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
394
00:18:29,343 --> 00:18:31,945
Hey, uh, sir, this-this isn't
a credit card, man.
395
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,347
This is a room key.
396
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,349
So what's the holdup?
Charge it to my room.
397
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:39,353
Put a couple of burgers
on there, too.
398
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,455
(clears throat)
Hi, uh, I'm Margaret.
399
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,022
This one is called
"A Fresh Shag,
400
00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:46,793
"Parenthesis, Can't Cover
an Untreatable Stain,
401
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,127
Close Parenthesis."
402
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,898
My girl needs
some mad title help.
403
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:57,437
* After all the years
404
00:18:57,471 --> 00:19:01,508
* We've spent together
405
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:07,213
* So many stains
you've left on me *
406
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,683
* Well, I've tried
407
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:13,353
* And I've tried
to scrub them out *
408
00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:15,855
* But I can't
409
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:21,194
* Bleach out
our messed-up history *
410
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:25,899
Did I just drink 15 shots,
or does this sound kind of good?
411
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,867
* But a fresh shag
412
00:19:27,901 --> 00:19:32,338
* Can't cover
an untreatable stain *
413
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,708
* Because the stain
is the pain *
414
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,643
* And the pain, it remains
415
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,646
* And it won't go away.
416
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,048
To Margaret!
417
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,683
(whooping)
418
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:45,752
It's time for you guys to go.
419
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,522
All right, we're going.
Um, Sid, grab the bottle.
420
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:50,924
Come on, guys. We got to go now.
421
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,693
Thank you, Tucson. Good night!
422
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,996
Hey.
423
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,198
Your song was pretty cool.
424
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,366
Oh, thanks, I...
425
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,236
I didn't do it for you, loser.
I did it for me.
426
00:20:10,744 --> 00:20:14,280
Hey, thanks, you guys,
for last night.
427
00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:17,851
Screw you guys
for this hangover.
428
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,186
I really should be dead.
429
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,389
I'm not certain I'm not.
430
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,459
Why are you all screaming?
431
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,630
I can't reach my juice.
432
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:36,102
Pancake party.
433
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:38,204
Wow, you guys smell.
434
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,440
I'm a post-breakfast brusher.
435
00:20:40,474 --> 00:20:42,041
No, I meant you smell
like alcohol.
436
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,811
I guess somebody
had a good time last night.
437
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:48,147
(groans) Miss Jennifer!
438
00:20:48,181 --> 00:20:50,316
When I get my strength back,
439
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:54,353
I'm gonna hunt you down,
and I'm gonna kill you.
440
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:58,792
What? No syrup?
441
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,094
Okay, I gotcha.
442
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:04,063
Little hair of the dog, boys?
443
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:08,434
(all groan)
444
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:11,971
Well, we did promise
to give these a shot.
445
00:21:12,005 --> 00:21:13,840
(clears throat)
446
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:18,111
-Oh, hell, yeah.
-Yeah.
447
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:22,549
Why didn't we just stay home
last night and eat these?
448
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:25,318
That's pretty good.
449
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:32,759
You've made the cut
with The Cool Kids.
450
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,194
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
33046
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof