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1
00:00:01,216 --> 00:00:02,965
[man with goofy voice]
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:03,049 --> 00:00:04,882
[Jeff] Go, go, go!
3
00:00:04,965 --> 00:00:07,341
I found out what the P
in "P-Hound" stands for.
4
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:08,716
Now every time I see
the letter P,
5
00:00:08,799 --> 00:00:09,924
I think of the word "pussy."
6
00:00:10,007 --> 00:00:11,840
We are losing control of him.
7
00:00:11,924 --> 00:00:15,508
We need versions of him
we can control.
8
00:00:15,591 --> 00:00:18,424
[Seb] This is the drawer
of letters from women.
9
00:00:18,508 --> 00:00:19,924
This one's from Akron.
10
00:00:20,007 --> 00:00:21,382
You know, it's only
two hours away.
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00:00:21,466 --> 00:00:24,132
Give her a call.
Buy her some cheesecake.
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00:00:24,216 --> 00:00:25,882
Married.
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00:00:25,965 --> 00:00:28,508
In six weeks,
I'm gonna be dead.
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00:00:28,591 --> 00:00:31,132
[gasping]
Aah!
15
00:00:33,758 --> 00:00:38,132
speaking Spanish
16
00:00:38,216 --> 00:00:40,132
speaking Spanish
17
00:01:06,716 --> 00:01:09,591
♪ bright synth music ♪
18
00:01:09,674 --> 00:01:12,341
♪♪♪
19
00:01:12,424 --> 00:01:14,007
This job is hard.
20
00:01:14,090 --> 00:01:15,716
This job's the easiest shit
I've done
21
00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:17,216
my whole fucking life.
22
00:01:17,299 --> 00:01:18,924
No, pickles make me sad now.
23
00:01:19,007 --> 00:01:21,341
I see pickles, I see
that dead Pickle boy
24
00:01:21,424 --> 00:01:22,549
on the road.
25
00:01:22,633 --> 00:01:24,216
I see his family suffering.
26
00:01:24,299 --> 00:01:26,007
I see pickles,
I see tears.
27
00:01:26,090 --> 00:01:27,924
[scoffs]
28
00:01:28,007 --> 00:01:29,508
Why you fucking do that?
29
00:01:29,591 --> 00:01:31,299
Now I see it, too.
30
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:32,758
Fuck, Sheila.
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Ruining pickles and shit.
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00:01:34,299 --> 00:01:35,799
Fuck you, Sheila.
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00:01:35,882 --> 00:01:41,049
♪♪♪
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Murderer!
35
00:01:49,549 --> 00:01:54,466
♪♪♪
36
00:02:26,591 --> 00:02:28,633
Thank you
for a lovely evening.
37
00:02:31,341 --> 00:02:33,174
[car door closes]
38
00:02:37,549 --> 00:02:40,508
♪ quirky music ♪
39
00:02:40,591 --> 00:02:45,674
♪♪♪
40
00:02:52,799 --> 00:02:54,216
Why do you feel guilty?
41
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,591
[Jeff] I like you.
42
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:57,174
I like Vivian.
43
00:02:57,257 --> 00:02:59,591
I don't like having feelings
for two people.
44
00:02:59,674 --> 00:03:01,382
- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.
45
00:03:01,466 --> 00:03:03,799
I don't feel bad.
I feel incredible.
46
00:03:03,882 --> 00:03:05,840
I feel like I've discovered
the South Pole.
47
00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:07,799
I don't want you
to feel bad.
48
00:03:07,882 --> 00:03:10,216
I don't want to hurt you.
49
00:03:10,299 --> 00:03:12,965
You're never gonna
not be important to me.
50
00:03:13,049 --> 00:03:15,633
You're never gonna
not be important to me.
51
00:03:15,716 --> 00:03:18,633
Well, I think it's great, too.
52
00:03:18,716 --> 00:03:21,174
Just the other night,
I was thinking to myself,
53
00:03:21,257 --> 00:03:23,466
"Are there any ladies
that I know
54
00:03:23,549 --> 00:03:26,007
who would be a good match
for Jeff?"
55
00:03:26,090 --> 00:03:28,382
And... literally nobody
came to mind.
56
00:03:28,466 --> 00:03:30,007
Thanks, Giant P.
57
00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:31,257
- I thought it was Big P.
- Was it?
58
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,007
I'm not hurt.
I'm not upset.
59
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:35,090
I'm offering you many...
60
00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:37,840
blessings
and much good luck here
61
00:03:37,924 --> 00:03:39,299
on your new relationship.
62
00:03:39,382 --> 00:03:41,216
Don't worry.
It's just temporary.
63
00:03:41,299 --> 00:03:43,508
It doesn't have
to be temporary.
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00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,049
It does.
65
00:03:45,132 --> 00:03:46,382
♪ waltz music ♪
66
00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:48,799
What does that mean?
67
00:03:48,882 --> 00:03:50,257
[door closes]
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00:03:50,341 --> 00:03:52,508
[cell phone beeping]
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00:03:52,591 --> 00:03:57,716
♪♪♪
70
00:04:00,090 --> 00:04:03,007
[woman speaking indistinctly
over PA]
71
00:04:07,674 --> 00:04:09,633
Hello? Rex?
72
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,424
I have a piano question.
73
00:04:12,508 --> 00:04:16,799
♪♪♪
74
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:19,049
I see your car!
75
00:04:19,132 --> 00:04:22,466
♪♪♪
76
00:04:22,549 --> 00:04:24,090
Are you gonna put it
under your pillow this time
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00:04:24,174 --> 00:04:25,341
or hide it
from the Tooth Fairy?
78
00:04:25,424 --> 00:04:27,090
- I don't hide them.
- [door opens]
79
00:04:27,174 --> 00:04:28,674
I lose them sometimes.
80
00:04:28,758 --> 00:04:30,882
- Uh-huh.
- [door closes]
81
00:04:30,965 --> 00:04:32,799
Hey, Dad.
82
00:04:32,882 --> 00:04:35,549
I lost my tooth
in my breakfast panini.
83
00:04:35,633 --> 00:04:38,466
I'm not going to work today.
I have the flu.
84
00:04:38,549 --> 00:04:41,049
- [Scott] It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt?
85
00:04:41,132 --> 00:04:43,090
Ugh, all over my body.
I-I need to go to bed.
86
00:04:43,174 --> 00:04:44,716
I need fluids.
87
00:04:44,799 --> 00:04:48,174
I can't go to work today
or tomorrow, maybe ever.
88
00:04:48,257 --> 00:04:51,090
I do not want to be
a corporate travel agent.
89
00:04:51,174 --> 00:04:52,840
Why am I a corporate
travel agent?
90
00:04:52,924 --> 00:04:53,799
Are you crying?
91
00:04:53,882 --> 00:04:55,549
It's the flu.
92
00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:57,633
I'll make soup.
93
00:04:57,716 --> 00:05:00,508
Actually, people are saying
yogurt is the new soup.
94
00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:04,090
♪ I'll put up
no resistance ♪
95
00:05:04,174 --> 00:05:06,965
♪ I wanna stay the distance ♪
96
00:05:07,049 --> 00:05:10,382
♪ I've got an itch
to scratch ♪
97
00:05:10,466 --> 00:05:13,174
♪ I need assistance ♪
98
00:05:13,257 --> 00:05:15,174
♪ Touch-a ♪
99
00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:19,882
I'm waiting
for a text message.
100
00:05:19,965 --> 00:05:21,341
Mm.
101
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,799
[Jeff]
♪ I wanna be dirty ♪
102
00:05:25,882 --> 00:05:28,174
How much longer
do you think we have?
103
00:05:28,257 --> 00:05:30,716
- As a species?
- Mm...
104
00:05:30,799 --> 00:05:32,382
until the roof caves in.
105
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:35,424
- [groans softly]
- Till there's no this anymore.
106
00:05:35,508 --> 00:05:37,840
Until Jeff can't function
as host or human.
107
00:05:37,924 --> 00:05:38,965
It all depends on him.
108
00:05:39,049 --> 00:05:41,299
Could be weeks.
Could be months.
109
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:44,007
I can't predict the future,
and I'm not good
110
00:05:44,090 --> 00:05:45,674
at guessing weight
from a distance,
111
00:05:45,758 --> 00:05:47,633
but if you get close to him,
112
00:05:47,716 --> 00:05:50,591
you can hear the air hissing
out of the balloon.
113
00:05:50,674 --> 00:05:52,174
And what do I do, then?
114
00:05:52,257 --> 00:05:55,424
You're gonna be home
alone all day
115
00:05:55,508 --> 00:05:57,424
with your family--
116
00:05:57,508 --> 00:06:00,216
that screaming
banshee child--
117
00:06:00,299 --> 00:06:02,132
and let's face it,
118
00:06:02,216 --> 00:06:04,382
that marriage that has always
had one foot
119
00:06:04,466 --> 00:06:06,424
on a pile of red ants.
120
00:06:06,508 --> 00:06:10,049
Fuck you, red ants!
Scott's the love of my life.
121
00:06:10,132 --> 00:06:12,716
And Maddy--she lost a tooth
this morning,
122
00:06:12,799 --> 00:06:14,424
and I was like,
"Put it under your pillow,"
123
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,716
And I cannot wait
to get home later
124
00:06:16,799 --> 00:06:19,466
and find her tooth
under her pillow.
125
00:06:19,549 --> 00:06:22,466
Everybody wants to feel
like they're a good parent.
126
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,758
Nobody wants to act like one.
127
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,216
Do me a favor
128
00:06:26,299 --> 00:06:28,758
and picture your brother
as a mascot
129
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,799
to your favorite
Chinese softball team, huh?
130
00:06:31,882 --> 00:06:34,424
Would he look like this?
131
00:06:38,090 --> 00:06:40,882
That's traumatizing.
132
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,758
- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.
133
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,382
It's Jeff's head
for the Ice Capades.
134
00:06:44,466 --> 00:06:45,965
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
135
00:06:46,049 --> 00:06:47,799
It's shitty.
You can do better.
136
00:06:47,882 --> 00:06:49,924
I can't replace Jeff
with a Styrofoam head
137
00:06:50,007 --> 00:06:52,216
and then look him in the eye
over osso buco.
138
00:06:52,299 --> 00:06:55,799
Welcome to the world
of exciting internal conflict.
139
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,924
Build me a Jeff, please.
140
00:06:58,007 --> 00:07:00,341
I know this is gonna come
as a surprise to you,
141
00:07:00,424 --> 00:07:01,924
but I'm not gonna be around
much longer.
142
00:07:02,007 --> 00:07:04,424
My father died at 68.
143
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,840
I'm on borrowed time.
144
00:07:05,924 --> 00:07:08,299
I'd like all this
to be yours someday.
145
00:07:08,382 --> 00:07:09,674
Since when?
146
00:07:09,758 --> 00:07:11,633
If not you, who?
147
00:07:11,716 --> 00:07:13,216
But if we want to keep
this shop open,
148
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:15,466
first, we need to build
another Jeff...
149
00:07:15,549 --> 00:07:17,257
on ice.
150
00:07:17,341 --> 00:07:19,299
The original is out to sea.
151
00:07:19,382 --> 00:07:22,508
♪ whimsical music ♪
152
00:07:22,591 --> 00:07:24,591
I don't want to hurt anyone.
153
00:07:24,674 --> 00:07:26,799
Hurt who?
154
00:07:26,882 --> 00:07:28,965
Jill, Will... anyone.
155
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,840
I mean, this, for example.
156
00:07:30,924 --> 00:07:32,508
[Jeff] What if a kid
watched this,
157
00:07:32,591 --> 00:07:34,882
put a barrel on,
attached a bedsheet to it,
158
00:07:34,965 --> 00:07:36,965
and tried to parachute
over Niagara Falls?
159
00:07:37,049 --> 00:07:38,716
Chances would not be good.
160
00:07:38,799 --> 00:07:41,924
We've been using that same
visually arresting sequence
161
00:07:42,007 --> 00:07:43,882
to transition you
from the real world
162
00:07:43,965 --> 00:07:45,882
to Pickle Barrel Falls
for 30 years.
163
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,341
And no child
has ever tried this?
164
00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:49,758
I promise you,
we would've heard.
165
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,216
Mm.
166
00:07:51,299 --> 00:07:52,924
Why are you questioning
this now?
167
00:07:53,007 --> 00:07:55,090
Shaina, from Akron.
168
00:07:55,174 --> 00:07:56,591
We shared the cheesecake.
169
00:07:56,674 --> 00:07:59,424
A moment from this show
saved her life.
170
00:07:59,508 --> 00:08:01,549
If that's true,
one moment from this show
171
00:08:01,633 --> 00:08:03,674
could take a life,
if we're not careful.
172
00:08:03,758 --> 00:08:06,299
It's a puppet show.
It's not a cursed monkey paw.
173
00:08:06,382 --> 00:08:08,674
- Do I have texts?
- I don't know.
174
00:08:08,758 --> 00:08:10,549
That's a cell phone
that uses AA batteries.
175
00:08:10,633 --> 00:08:11,965
You want to change
something?
176
00:08:12,049 --> 00:08:13,424
Upgrade your gizmos.
177
00:08:13,508 --> 00:08:15,716
How'd things go
with Shaina from Akron?
178
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:18,007
- We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.
179
00:08:18,090 --> 00:08:19,674
[exhales sharply]
I met someone else, though.
180
00:08:19,758 --> 00:08:21,424
Really?
On the same night?
181
00:08:21,508 --> 00:08:22,716
Her name is Vivian.
182
00:08:22,799 --> 00:08:24,549
I love that name.
She sounds gorgeous.
183
00:08:24,633 --> 00:08:27,090
- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.
184
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,424
That's fine,
as long as she's not
185
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,341
selling Do-Si-Dos
outside the Kroger.
186
00:08:30,424 --> 00:08:33,299
- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.
187
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:35,549
And the doctors give her
about six weeks.
188
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:37,049
Hmm.
189
00:08:37,132 --> 00:08:40,965
♪ whimsical music ♪
190
00:08:41,049 --> 00:08:42,965
[woman]
Where you off to, Jimmy?
191
00:08:43,049 --> 00:08:44,090
Pickle Barrel Falls.
192
00:08:44,174 --> 00:08:45,424
[woman]
Okay, honey, have fun.
193
00:08:45,508 --> 00:08:46,549
Bye, Mom.
194
00:08:46,633 --> 00:08:49,840
♪♪♪
195
00:08:49,924 --> 00:08:51,382
Here we go!
196
00:08:51,466 --> 00:08:52,549
[dog barks]
197
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,382
[Ennui sputtering]
198
00:08:57,341 --> 00:08:59,882
What are you trying to do,
Ennui La Triste?
199
00:08:59,965 --> 00:09:03,049
Because my tongue is cheese,
I cannot whistle!
200
00:09:03,132 --> 00:09:05,591
[cries]
Quel fromage.
201
00:09:05,674 --> 00:09:08,508
Come on, you stale breadstick.
202
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,216
Whistling is easy.
203
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:13,799
[bubbling]
204
00:09:13,882 --> 00:09:15,424
Mm, never mind.
205
00:09:15,508 --> 00:09:17,549
Ennui, in my experience,
206
00:09:17,633 --> 00:09:20,007
everyone has
a little tune in their heart,
207
00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:21,674
and if you listen closely,
208
00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:23,924
it always finds a way out.
209
00:09:24,007 --> 00:09:25,924
[smacks lips]
210
00:09:26,007 --> 00:09:28,882
[whistling]
211
00:09:28,965 --> 00:09:30,882
♪♪♪
212
00:09:30,965 --> 00:09:32,508
Now you try.
213
00:09:32,591 --> 00:09:35,341
[whistling]
214
00:09:35,424 --> 00:09:36,924
♪♪♪
215
00:09:38,257 --> 00:09:40,382
[all whistling]
216
00:09:40,466 --> 00:09:43,424
And then I loved her
in the pussy.
217
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:45,965
Wow.
218
00:09:46,049 --> 00:09:47,840
[chuckles]
I know.
219
00:09:47,924 --> 00:09:50,758
I tried texting her,
but there's no response.
220
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,882
Didn't you say
she was terminally ill?
221
00:09:52,965 --> 00:09:55,257
No, that's just the opinion
of three doctors.
222
00:09:55,341 --> 00:09:56,633
Her attitude would suggest
223
00:09:56,716 --> 00:09:58,508
an entirely different
prognosis.
224
00:09:58,591 --> 00:10:01,549
But what do I know?
I'm not three doctors.
225
00:10:01,633 --> 00:10:03,965
What can you do, Jeff?
226
00:10:04,049 --> 00:10:06,341
I hate to think that last night
didn't mean anything to her.
227
00:10:06,424 --> 00:10:07,549
Maybe your phone's broken.
228
00:10:07,633 --> 00:10:09,965
That's why
she hasn't responded.
229
00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:12,174
- Did you think of that?
- That's it.
230
00:10:12,257 --> 00:10:13,674
You're probably right.
231
00:10:13,758 --> 00:10:14,924
- [Deirdre] Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
232
00:10:15,007 --> 00:10:16,633
What a dopey-dope.
233
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,840
- Ha!
- [chuckles]
234
00:10:18,924 --> 00:10:20,633
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, my boy.
235
00:10:22,799 --> 00:10:24,007
You asked when it all ends.
236
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,758
- I--
- Six weeks.
237
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,382
When the cancer lady
he's falling for bites it,
238
00:10:28,466 --> 00:10:30,466
that's when he pops.
239
00:10:30,549 --> 00:10:32,424
Not a lot of time, but we can
get the ice show on its feet
240
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,216
and rush the doll
for Christmas.
241
00:10:34,299 --> 00:10:37,174
♪ whimsical music ♪
242
00:10:37,257 --> 00:10:38,758
♪♪♪
243
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:39,882
Will.
244
00:10:39,965 --> 00:10:41,424
You back here?
245
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,090
I could use
some technical support.
246
00:10:43,174 --> 00:10:45,882
[coughing]
247
00:10:45,965 --> 00:10:48,716
Whoa, it's you.
248
00:10:48,799 --> 00:10:50,257
Your pineapple is smoking.
249
00:10:50,341 --> 00:10:52,674
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
250
00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:55,882
It's practically made
the apple bong obsolete.
251
00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:58,924
Plus, when you're done,
you can chop it up and eat it,
252
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:00,216
get you manganese.
253
00:11:00,299 --> 00:11:01,882
Have you seen my son?
254
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,716
[Bong Dude] Just because
I've seen him in a place
255
00:11:03,799 --> 00:11:06,216
doesn't mean he's actually
in that place, you know?
256
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,840
Meaning, he could've left
that place.
257
00:11:08,924 --> 00:11:12,216
Well, could you point
to where you saw him last?
258
00:11:12,299 --> 00:11:14,049
[Bong Dude] Narc-ing
on an acquaintance
259
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,716
would violate every principle
I hold dear.
260
00:11:16,799 --> 00:11:20,508
Hey, is it true you killed
a bunch of Lebanese people
261
00:11:20,591 --> 00:11:22,758
when you were a sniper
for the CIA?
262
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,799
[chuckles]
What did you say?
263
00:11:24,882 --> 00:11:27,466
The Dark Web
knows all secrets, man.
264
00:11:27,549 --> 00:11:29,341
You shouldn't believe
every rumor you read.
265
00:11:29,424 --> 00:11:32,341
♪ suspenseful music ♪
266
00:11:32,424 --> 00:11:37,549
♪♪♪
267
00:11:42,341 --> 00:11:45,466
Truth is, I wouldn't know
the first thing
268
00:11:45,549 --> 00:11:48,299
about lining up
an innocent man's peach pit
269
00:11:48,382 --> 00:11:50,799
from 1,000 yards out...
270
00:11:50,882 --> 00:11:54,466
pink misting him
through his kitchen window.
271
00:11:54,549 --> 00:11:56,924
I've never been
to Lebanon or Iran,
272
00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,716
never known the thrill
of sipping
273
00:11:58,799 --> 00:12:00,382
the Shah's contraband tequila
274
00:12:00,466 --> 00:12:04,174
from the cold navel
of my 100th kill.
275
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,924
Nor can I appreciate the years
of training and tenacity
276
00:12:07,007 --> 00:12:09,799
it would take
to draw an imaginary line
277
00:12:09,882 --> 00:12:14,216
between my heartbeat
and my trigger finger.
278
00:12:14,299 --> 00:12:15,965
Never done those things.
279
00:12:16,049 --> 00:12:17,716
♪ martial music ♪
280
00:12:17,799 --> 00:12:20,174
I could never
take a man's life.
281
00:12:20,257 --> 00:12:21,716
♪ suspenseful music ♪
282
00:12:21,799 --> 00:12:23,840
But I've heard
it's as easy
283
00:12:23,924 --> 00:12:25,840
as popping a pimple.
284
00:12:25,924 --> 00:12:30,758
♪♪♪
285
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,758
I think Will's
over there, man.
286
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,174
Thanks for your help.
287
00:12:43,257 --> 00:12:46,132
You're a good helper.
288
00:12:46,216 --> 00:12:49,299
[Will] All right,
pick a card, any card.
289
00:12:49,382 --> 00:12:51,257
- Should I show you?
- No.
290
00:12:51,341 --> 00:12:52,799
Don't--don't show me.
291
00:12:52,882 --> 00:12:55,216
Now, uh, sign the
Bicycle side of the card.
292
00:12:55,299 --> 00:12:56,799
Will?
293
00:12:56,882 --> 00:12:59,132
Could you come with me
to the phone store?
294
00:12:59,216 --> 00:13:02,633
This thing is broken.
I don't know what to do.
295
00:13:02,716 --> 00:13:04,591
So you--you think
your phone is broken
296
00:13:04,674 --> 00:13:07,382
because this woman
you just met didn't respond?
297
00:13:07,466 --> 00:13:09,007
We spent
a whole night together.
298
00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:12,216
We told each other things
you can never tell a stranger.
299
00:13:12,299 --> 00:13:15,049
- We made love.
- Oh.
300
00:13:15,132 --> 00:13:17,216
Um...
301
00:13:17,299 --> 00:13:18,840
There's something wrong
with this.
302
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:21,049
[light music playing
over speakers]
303
00:13:21,132 --> 00:13:23,633
Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh...
304
00:13:23,716 --> 00:13:25,341
it looks okay to me.
305
00:13:25,424 --> 00:13:27,382
Could you take in the back
just to make sure?
306
00:13:27,466 --> 00:13:28,341
I'd feel better.
307
00:13:28,424 --> 00:13:31,007
Sure. Sure.
308
00:13:31,090 --> 00:13:33,007
Uh, just...
309
00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:35,591
Yeah, which account
is this phone registered under?
310
00:13:35,674 --> 00:13:37,674
I have your name associated
with two plans--
311
00:13:37,758 --> 00:13:40,591
one ending in 4356,
another in 7864.
312
00:13:40,674 --> 00:13:43,466
- Yeah, the first one.
- Okay.
313
00:13:43,549 --> 00:13:45,591
We will get
to the bottom of this.
314
00:13:45,674 --> 00:13:46,633
- Great.
- Okay.
315
00:13:46,716 --> 00:13:47,799
Okay.
316
00:13:49,466 --> 00:13:51,090
Hey...
317
00:13:51,174 --> 00:13:54,132
do you think that maybe
I could get a, uh...
318
00:13:54,216 --> 00:13:58,424
a new phone, one with a, uh,
alphanumeric keyboard?
319
00:13:58,508 --> 00:14:01,965
What do you need that for?
320
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:06,257
Whose, uh--whose phone number
ends in 7864?
321
00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:07,924
What?
322
00:14:08,007 --> 00:14:10,965
He, uh--he said
that you have two numbers.
323
00:14:11,049 --> 00:14:13,549
[sighs]
324
00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:15,924
The other number
belongs to a man
325
00:14:16,007 --> 00:14:18,924
who hurt his back so badly
that he can't work anymore,
326
00:14:19,007 --> 00:14:21,174
so I pay for some
of his necessities,
327
00:14:21,257 --> 00:14:25,132
like his phone and his rent
and his daughter's education.
328
00:14:25,216 --> 00:14:28,216
How did he get hurt?
329
00:14:28,299 --> 00:14:31,508
He was driving the truck
that hit you and Phil that day.
330
00:14:31,591 --> 00:14:35,424
♪♪♪
331
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,174
Don't you hate that guy?
332
00:14:38,257 --> 00:14:41,382
Hate doesn't punish
who you think it does.
333
00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:43,508
[man]
Well, I had our...
334
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,591
best technicians take a look,
335
00:14:45,674 --> 00:14:49,382
and there doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with the phone.
336
00:14:50,549 --> 00:14:51,924
Uh...
337
00:14:54,341 --> 00:14:56,424
Mm, that's unfortunate.
338
00:14:56,508 --> 00:14:59,508
Um, look,
Mr. Pickles...
339
00:14:59,591 --> 00:15:01,257
here's the thing.
340
00:15:01,341 --> 00:15:03,924
Can I tell you what I think
really happened?
341
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:06,132
I-I don't think
that your phone is broken.
342
00:15:06,216 --> 00:15:08,965
I think that, uh, it's hers
that's broken,
343
00:15:09,049 --> 00:15:12,090
and that's why
she's not responding.
344
00:15:12,174 --> 00:15:14,132
[chuckles]
That makes sense.
345
00:15:14,216 --> 00:15:15,965
I knew there was a reason
I brought you.
346
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:17,882
[chuckles]
He's the family computer whiz.
347
00:15:17,965 --> 00:15:19,758
[chuckles]
Yeah, that's...
348
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,007
Uh, so is there anything else
I can help you with?
349
00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:23,216
Just that.
350
00:15:23,299 --> 00:15:26,299
♪ somber music ♪
351
00:15:26,382 --> 00:15:28,716
♪♪♪
352
00:15:28,799 --> 00:15:31,924
[Scott] Once upon a time,
there was a swing in a branch
353
00:15:32,007 --> 00:15:34,965
and a big, fat marshmallow.
354
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:37,633
[Maddy] Why does the cat
only eat marshmallows, Dad?
355
00:15:37,716 --> 00:15:39,633
Why do you think?
Turn the page.
356
00:15:39,716 --> 00:15:40,799
[laughs]
357
00:15:40,882 --> 00:15:43,758
[laughing]
I only see the cat!
358
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,758
[Maddy]
The kitty's so dismay-ded,
359
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,965
but there's a marshmallow,
and the kitty's like...
360
00:15:48,049 --> 00:15:49,382
♪♪♪
361
00:15:49,466 --> 00:15:51,216
I'm sick.
362
00:15:51,299 --> 00:15:52,382
So breathe that way.
363
00:15:52,466 --> 00:15:54,216
I'm not sleeping
on the fold-out.
364
00:15:54,299 --> 00:15:56,216
No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
365
00:15:56,299 --> 00:15:58,424
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
366
00:16:01,216 --> 00:16:02,799
I need...
367
00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:07,674
Oh, God, I've pictured having
this conversation
368
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:09,007
since I was 13,
369
00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:11,840
and now I don't know
how to start it.
370
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,466
But...
371
00:16:19,216 --> 00:16:20,924
...a word that's...
372
00:16:21,007 --> 00:16:24,007
defined me for a while
has been...
373
00:16:26,257 --> 00:16:28,007
...confusion.
374
00:16:30,591 --> 00:16:32,090
[sighs]
375
00:16:32,174 --> 00:16:35,299
[cries]
376
00:16:37,716 --> 00:16:40,216
[crying] Even ten words in,
it already feels
377
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:42,341
so cathartic...
378
00:16:42,424 --> 00:16:45,341
[sighs]
...to open up...
379
00:16:45,424 --> 00:16:48,257
about what I'm trying
to say, baby.
380
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,758
[sniffles]
381
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,799
♪ quiet orchestral music ♪
382
00:16:51,882 --> 00:16:55,965
In the deepest part
of myself...
383
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:58,049
♪♪♪
384
00:16:58,132 --> 00:16:59,799
...I've always--
385
00:16:59,882 --> 00:17:02,799
Name a happy child
of divorce.
386
00:17:02,882 --> 00:17:05,799
♪♪♪
387
00:17:05,882 --> 00:17:06,965
What?
388
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:09,840
Name one happy child
of divorce.
389
00:17:09,924 --> 00:17:12,424
Can I finish
what I'm trying to say?
390
00:17:12,508 --> 00:17:15,007
Oh...
391
00:17:15,090 --> 00:17:18,382
the Tooth Fairy
needs to find her wand.
392
00:17:18,466 --> 00:17:23,049
♪♪♪
393
00:17:23,132 --> 00:17:24,382
[door opens]
394
00:17:24,466 --> 00:17:29,382
♪♪♪
395
00:17:36,758 --> 00:17:38,257
[whispering]
Where do your teeth go?
396
00:17:38,341 --> 00:17:40,341
♪♪♪
397
00:17:40,424 --> 00:17:41,758
Hi, Mom.
398
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,382
[raspy voice]
I'm Mr. Chompers.
399
00:17:43,466 --> 00:17:45,174
Jesus! Fuck!
400
00:17:45,257 --> 00:17:48,174
And I eat dreams.
Nom! Nom!
401
00:17:48,257 --> 00:17:50,674
Nom...
402
00:17:50,758 --> 00:17:53,424
♪ spacey melancholy music ♪
403
00:17:53,508 --> 00:17:58,591
♪♪♪
404
00:18:32,549 --> 00:18:34,549
I'm sorry.
405
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,633
I don't even know
how to talk to you anymore,
406
00:18:38,716 --> 00:18:41,549
but I want you to know that...
407
00:18:41,633 --> 00:18:44,007
I do it all the time
in my head,
408
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:47,758
so it feels like I talk to you
more than I do.
409
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:52,174
♪ dark music ♪
410
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:55,549
I'm always asking myself
if I'm trying too hard.
411
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:57,882
Am I?
412
00:18:57,965 --> 00:19:00,132
Or not enough?
413
00:19:00,216 --> 00:19:01,882
♪♪♪
414
00:19:01,965 --> 00:19:04,382
I used to be so good
at putting myself
415
00:19:04,466 --> 00:19:06,633
between you and...
416
00:19:06,716 --> 00:19:10,216
anything that tried
to hurt you, but...
417
00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:13,007
I couldn't...
418
00:19:13,090 --> 00:19:15,758
I couldn't put myself
between you and what happened.
419
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,591
I...
420
00:19:17,674 --> 00:19:20,840
I couldn't stop...
421
00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:23,508
you losing everything.
422
00:19:23,591 --> 00:19:25,508
♪♪♪
423
00:19:25,591 --> 00:19:28,508
And...
424
00:19:28,591 --> 00:19:30,840
I don't know how
to protect you anymore,
425
00:19:30,924 --> 00:19:33,674
and maybe I shouldn't.
426
00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:36,382
Maybe that's how I help.
427
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:41,633
♪♪♪
428
00:19:48,965 --> 00:19:52,466
Have you ever seen
the movie Robocop?
429
00:19:52,549 --> 00:19:53,840
Maybe?
430
00:19:53,924 --> 00:19:55,216
It's about a police officer
431
00:19:55,299 --> 00:19:57,216
who dies
in the line of duty.
432
00:19:57,299 --> 00:20:00,174
His buddies rebuild him
like a robot
433
00:20:00,257 --> 00:20:02,424
so they can control him,
434
00:20:02,508 --> 00:20:04,591
but he just gets...
435
00:20:04,674 --> 00:20:06,965
way more violent.
436
00:20:07,049 --> 00:20:08,549
♪♪♪
437
00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:16,716
[knock at door]
438
00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,716
Just a sec.
439
00:20:22,424 --> 00:20:25,549
[sighs]
440
00:20:27,924 --> 00:20:30,466
Hi.
441
00:20:30,549 --> 00:20:32,549
I didn't know
you were coming.
442
00:20:35,508 --> 00:20:39,257
Welcome to my...
home away from home.
443
00:20:41,382 --> 00:20:44,758
[door closes]
444
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,508
What happened here?
445
00:20:46,591 --> 00:20:47,633
Um...
446
00:20:47,716 --> 00:20:50,341
a lamp got broken.
447
00:20:50,424 --> 00:20:52,424
And you're sleeping
on a futon?
448
00:20:52,508 --> 00:20:56,299
Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
Sometimes I want a couch.
449
00:20:56,382 --> 00:20:59,799
It's Spartan,
but it's everything I need.
450
00:20:59,882 --> 00:21:01,132
Where does Will sleep?
451
00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:04,549
Oh, I have
an inflatable mattress.
452
00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:07,424
He thinks it's like
a water bed, only with air.
453
00:21:07,508 --> 00:21:10,132
You could be in a suite
at the Four Seasons, Jeff.
454
00:21:10,216 --> 00:21:12,049
I'm happy here.
455
00:21:12,132 --> 00:21:14,466
What you don't see
are the memories.
456
00:21:14,549 --> 00:21:16,466
My first apartment...
457
00:21:16,549 --> 00:21:19,090
short stroll
right across campus.
458
00:21:19,174 --> 00:21:21,174
Before I say
what I'm going to say,
459
00:21:21,257 --> 00:21:22,508
you should know
that your son was very touched
460
00:21:22,591 --> 00:21:24,174
by what you did.
461
00:21:24,257 --> 00:21:26,257
[inhales deeply]
I didn't expect that.
462
00:21:26,341 --> 00:21:27,633
We raised a good boy.
463
00:21:27,716 --> 00:21:30,299
But the guilt that I felt
464
00:21:30,382 --> 00:21:33,049
for wanting a sixth pair
of shoes...
465
00:21:33,132 --> 00:21:34,466
Who said
you couldn't have shoes?
466
00:21:34,549 --> 00:21:36,049
...or a car
that's just fun...
467
00:21:36,132 --> 00:21:37,758
- It's a lot of shoes.
- ...and fast to drive...
468
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,341
You want another car?
Get another car.
469
00:21:39,424 --> 00:21:40,799
- ...or for hating the man...
- Get six cars--
470
00:21:40,882 --> 00:21:42,299
one for every day
of the week.
471
00:21:42,382 --> 00:21:44,132
...who drove a snack truck
into our family,
472
00:21:44,216 --> 00:21:45,882
and meanwhile, you are writing
checks for his rent,
473
00:21:45,965 --> 00:21:47,591
his utility bills?
474
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:50,341
You're paying
his garbage pickup?
475
00:21:53,216 --> 00:21:55,341
He has a daughter.
476
00:21:57,216 --> 00:21:59,799
Someday she's gonna have
to go to college.
477
00:22:01,965 --> 00:22:04,924
[crying]
We had a son,
478
00:22:05,007 --> 00:22:06,924
and he will never go
to college!
479
00:22:07,007 --> 00:22:08,924
Denny hurt his back
in the accident.
480
00:22:09,007 --> 00:22:11,382
- Denny?
- He walks with a cane now.
481
00:22:11,466 --> 00:22:14,090
Of course you're
on a first-name basis with him!
482
00:22:14,174 --> 00:22:16,466
Did you not think
how giving that man money
483
00:22:16,549 --> 00:22:17,674
would make me feel?
484
00:22:17,758 --> 00:22:19,341
He can't drive anymore.
485
00:22:19,424 --> 00:22:20,882
Workmen's compensation
won't cover the cost
486
00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,549
of a single-parent household.
487
00:22:22,633 --> 00:22:25,007
Someone has
to look out for him.
488
00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:28,299
We weren't the only ones
who lost something.
489
00:22:28,382 --> 00:22:30,591
We're the only ones
that matter.
490
00:22:30,674 --> 00:22:32,840
I devoted an entire show
to Phil's death...
491
00:22:32,924 --> 00:22:35,341
- [sighs]
- ...an honest show.
492
00:22:35,424 --> 00:22:37,090
They're gonna air it soon.
493
00:22:37,174 --> 00:22:40,049
I don't watch
Puppet Time anymore.
494
00:22:40,132 --> 00:22:43,591
Watching it makes me
want to swallow my tongue.
495
00:22:43,674 --> 00:22:45,758
You shouldn't blame that man
for what happened.
496
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,674
I don't blame him.
497
00:22:47,758 --> 00:22:50,049
I hate him.
498
00:22:50,132 --> 00:22:52,132
I blame myself
for what happened.
499
00:22:52,216 --> 00:22:54,132
It was an accident--
500
00:22:54,216 --> 00:22:56,965
a stray burst of electrons
through a stoplight.
501
00:22:57,049 --> 00:23:00,007
- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.
502
00:23:00,090 --> 00:23:02,758
He's not the bad guy.
503
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,549
Neither are you, Jill.
504
00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:08,591
- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.
505
00:23:08,674 --> 00:23:11,965
Next to you, I am the bad guy.
506
00:23:12,049 --> 00:23:14,174
I always am.
507
00:23:14,257 --> 00:23:17,174
No, you're a wonderful person,
and I miss you
508
00:23:17,257 --> 00:23:18,674
- more than anything.
- Don't.
509
00:23:18,758 --> 00:23:23,090
[sobbing]
510
00:23:23,174 --> 00:23:25,674
Oh, I loved you, Jeff,
511
00:23:25,758 --> 00:23:27,424
but...
512
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:33,633
...after the accident,
when all the cards arrived...
513
00:23:33,716 --> 00:23:36,049
they were all addressed
to you.
514
00:23:36,132 --> 00:23:38,591
They were meant
for both of us.
515
00:23:38,674 --> 00:23:41,132
You're Santa.
516
00:23:41,216 --> 00:23:43,591
I'm Mrs. Claus.
517
00:23:43,674 --> 00:23:45,382
Santa brings joy.
518
00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:47,466
Mrs. Claus brings...
519
00:23:47,549 --> 00:23:50,382
kibble to the reindeer.
520
00:23:52,049 --> 00:23:54,382
Well, I don't live
on the North Pole anymore.
521
00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:58,090
[sniffles]
I live in reality now.
522
00:23:58,174 --> 00:24:00,882
It's not as colorful, but...
523
00:24:00,965 --> 00:24:03,965
I see the world
how it really is.
524
00:24:04,049 --> 00:24:07,007
The world
is a perfect circle...
525
00:24:07,090 --> 00:24:09,424
of endless possibilities.
526
00:24:11,090 --> 00:24:14,090
It's not a circle.
527
00:24:14,174 --> 00:24:16,424
It's a hole.
528
00:24:18,007 --> 00:24:20,716
♪ disquieting
percussive music ♪
529
00:24:20,799 --> 00:24:24,090
♪♪♪
530
00:24:24,174 --> 00:24:26,466
That truck driver...
531
00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:28,591
♪♪♪
532
00:24:28,674 --> 00:24:31,758
He didn't hurt his back
in the accident.
533
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,965
Maybe he told you he did,
534
00:24:34,049 --> 00:24:36,174
but that is called a lie.
535
00:24:36,257 --> 00:24:38,341
He just wants
your money.
536
00:24:38,424 --> 00:24:40,508
He's stealing from you,
537
00:24:40,591 --> 00:24:42,466
and teaching Will
a magic trick
538
00:24:42,549 --> 00:24:44,299
isn't gonna get him
to stop smoking pot.
539
00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:47,216
And when you screw a woman
you just met
540
00:24:47,299 --> 00:24:49,007
and she doesn't call you back,
541
00:24:49,090 --> 00:24:51,341
it's not 'cause her phone
is broken.
542
00:24:51,424 --> 00:24:54,257
It's 'cause
she doesn't like you!
543
00:24:54,341 --> 00:24:58,049
I'm sorry,
but this is where we live.
544
00:24:58,132 --> 00:25:01,840
Please, join us.
545
00:25:01,924 --> 00:25:06,382
♪♪♪
546
00:25:06,466 --> 00:25:08,758
[door closes]
547
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,882
[sniffles]
548
00:25:10,965 --> 00:25:13,799
♪♪♪
549
00:25:13,882 --> 00:25:16,799
[rumbling]
550
00:25:16,882 --> 00:25:21,549
♪♪♪
551
00:25:21,633 --> 00:25:23,882
[cell phone plays
"Shave and a Haircut"]
552
00:25:23,965 --> 00:25:29,049
♪♪♪
553
00:25:43,174 --> 00:25:44,882
[chuckles]
554
00:25:44,965 --> 00:25:47,882
♪ whistling jaunty tune ♪
555
00:25:47,965 --> 00:25:48,840
♪♪♪
556
00:25:48,924 --> 00:25:51,924
♪ soft music ♪
557
00:25:52,007 --> 00:25:56,799
♪♪♪
558
00:25:56,882 --> 00:25:59,924
♪ whistling jaunty tune ♪
559
00:26:00,007 --> 00:26:03,049
♪♪♪
560
00:26:03,132 --> 00:26:05,840
♪ soft music continues ♪
561
00:26:05,924 --> 00:26:09,382
♪♪♪
562
00:26:09,466 --> 00:26:12,007
Is it the... queen of hearts?
563
00:26:12,090 --> 00:26:13,840
♪♪♪
564
00:26:13,924 --> 00:26:16,007
[sighs]
565
00:26:16,090 --> 00:26:17,341
No way!
566
00:26:17,424 --> 00:26:18,633
[laughs]
567
00:26:18,716 --> 00:26:21,591
♪ whistling jaunty tune ♪
568
00:26:21,674 --> 00:26:26,591
♪♪♪
569
00:26:39,132 --> 00:26:40,299
Mom?
570
00:26:40,382 --> 00:26:45,466
♪♪♪
571
00:27:01,049 --> 00:27:03,090
[dog barks]
572
00:27:03,174 --> 00:27:07,049
♪ soft music continues ♪
573
00:27:07,132 --> 00:27:09,299
Isn't it amazing, Gertie?
574
00:27:09,382 --> 00:27:14,466
♪♪♪
575
00:27:19,132 --> 00:27:22,007
♪ Adrian Younge's
"Stranger by the Sea" ♪
576
00:27:22,090 --> 00:27:26,299
♪♪♪
577
00:27:26,382 --> 00:27:31,299
♪ A stranger landed
from the sea ♪
578
00:27:31,382 --> 00:27:35,508
♪ I welcomed him
to come to me ♪
579
00:27:35,591 --> 00:27:40,090
♪♪♪
580
00:27:40,174 --> 00:27:45,007
♪ We touched
but he swam back to sea ♪
581
00:27:47,007 --> 00:27:51,840
♪ He saw the cold and misery ♪
582
00:27:53,799 --> 00:27:56,924
♪ He sails the seven oceans ♪
583
00:27:57,007 --> 00:28:00,508
♪ Exploring his emotions ♪
37230
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