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Previously on Kidding...
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Bought the house next to Jill's.
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And why would you do that?
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They need me.
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Did Will do that?
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When I told him to stop
stealing my debit card.
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I'm sick, Dee Dee.
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I don't know what's wrong with me.
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Name one happy child of divorce.
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Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?
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We need versions of him we can control.
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In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
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Then why are you getting a pedicure?
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Get me Tara Lipinski.
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Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!
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Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!
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Yeah, that's it!
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He's coming back for you! Come on!
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Don't take that shit, Jeff!
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Get him!
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Come on! Get him!
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Knock his teeth down his throat!
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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_
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Derrell...
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Check out the new you.
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My wife's always saying
I should indulge,
28
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but they're expensive, aren't they?
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00:02:03,260 --> 00:02:05,690
My manager likes me to close a sale
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00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,140
by bending down in front
of you to check the toe,
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and so you can see my chest.
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That's when I'm really supposed to say,
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"Check out the new you."
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But it feels weird to give Mr. Pickles
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the hard sell.
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No, no, I like the line.
You can say it again.
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But I'll check the toe.
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00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:28,190
So... how's your treatment
been coming along?
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Uh, can you... ask me something else?
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Mm-hmm... Ooh! The table keeps wobbling.
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Yeah, your elbows.
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Oh, right. Sorry.
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Excuse me. Are you our... Waiter. Great.
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Can I have the porterhouse, please?
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Rare, like a good vet can save it?
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I don't need a vegetable.
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Also, a basket of truffle cornbread.
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Also, a plastic bear
of honey. Thank you.
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Oh, you're hungry.
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No, I-I...
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I mean, I haven't been
hungry in, like, six months.
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Of course. Sorry.
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C-can you come back? I-I
don't know what I want yet.
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Then why did you call the waiter over?
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- Good God.
- Watch your elbows.
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- Elbows, I know.
- Yes.
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Those pills are just keeping me alive.
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Don't worry. Dinner's on me.
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No, no, no, you don't have to...
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... do that.
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No, really.
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The fine folks at Discover
haven't seen my X-rays.
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They don't know I'm not paying another
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bill for the rest of my life.
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Fat fucking table!
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What did you just say?
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I don't know.
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I have a tremendous
amount of pent-up anger,
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and I don't know where it's
coming from or how to stop it.
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And every day it grows and grows,
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and I know I dress like a Mormon
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and I talk like a monk,
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but inside, I'm Mount St. Helens,
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and it's 1980, and I am
magma from the neck down.
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You're so handsome.
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You're so beautiful.
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From now on, when I
text you the letter V,
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it means I came thinking about you.
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I like...
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your knobby knees.
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I like the bend in your shoulder.
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I like the space under your chin.
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I like the way that...
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your feet touch the carpet.
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It's definitely working now.
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That's ASMR...
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Autonomous sensory meridian response.
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Whispering triggers it.
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It relaxes you.
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Oh.
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Let the machine get it.
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More head tingles, please.
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Okay.
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History's mysteries...
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... include the Tunguska event
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- in Russia...
- Mm-hmm.
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You've reached
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- Jeff...
- Jill...
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- Will...
- And Phil.
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We're the Pickles!
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Leave a message, pickle pals.
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You've reached Jeff...
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- Jill...
- Will...
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I need you to right-hand Soap Scum.
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- Why?
- But it's...
106
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it's not on the schedule.
107
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I wrote a song about clouds.
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What kind of clouds?
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Clouds made of tears?
110
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What are you trying to
say with this song?
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It's just a normal song
about normal clouds.
112
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Huh.
113
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I think Vivian's my girlfriend.
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I like saying that.
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It's not appropriate right
now, but down the line,
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you should probably both meet her.
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- Wow. Congratulations.
- Yeah, congratulations.
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- That would be great, yeah.
- Wonderful news.
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It's a big step.
120
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Oh, he hates me.
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Oh, he doesn't do that.
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Don't be scared, Hopscotch!
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They're just clouds!
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They're rain clouds.
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Rain clouds thunder and crash.
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I like when clouds are shaped
like turtles and bunnies.
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But clouds are all made of
the same thing... water.
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Come on, big toes!
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If I ain't afraid of
water, how can you be?
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I'm closer to the clouds than you.
131
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Not anymore!
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♪ Clouds are just rabbits
lost in the sky ♪
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♪ Chasing the rain as
they learn to fly ♪
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♪ Two parts H, one part O ♪
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00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:22,220
♪ Is it a storm or a gray cotton puff? ♪
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♪ Wait, they're made of
the exact same stuff ♪
137
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,430
♪ Two parts H, one part O ♪
138
00:07:28,450 --> 00:07:31,230
♪ Don't be afraid of
what you don't know ♪
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00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:33,980
♪ Two parts H, one part O ♪
140
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,920
♪ Don't be afraid of
what you don't know ♪
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00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,120
Maybe this woman
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with the broken phone and
the Hodgkin's lymphoma
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is really helping him turn the corner.
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00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:46,090
- Maybe this is all he needed.
- Maybe.
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Now he wrote a song about clouds,
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and it's really just
about clouds. Listen.
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♪ Don't be afraid of
what you don't know... ♪
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We're gonna have to reshoot this, Dee.
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Why?
150
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He's not wearing a wedding ring.
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Mr. Pickles is married.
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To whom?
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It doesn't matter.
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Mrs. Pickles.
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He's got to put the ring back on.
156
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Please don't ask him to do that.
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I have to.
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But what if this is the
start of his upswing?
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It's not.
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Whoo!
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Or maybe we hold off...
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on Other Jeff, just for the week,
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see where we are.
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She's already in my office, Dee.
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I'm sorry.
166
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I don't have to tell you what happens
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to a generation of children
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breast-fed on the electric
nipple of technology.
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Lack of empathy,
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inability to create
meaningful human connections,
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war.
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It's like someone dropped a
toaster in the gene pool.
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Every day a child stares at a screen
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catapults us closer
to societal collapse.
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Unless...
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Pickles on Ice.
177
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,150
Nothing would make me happier
than spreading cheer to...
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A marriage born out of the
Puppet Time universe,
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00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:15,920
a story told in the real world
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00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:17,770
with your characters come to life,
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starring Mr. Pickles himself,
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in person,
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00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,570
as played by your ideal
brand ambassador...
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Olympic gold medalist,
Miss Tara Lipinski.
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00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:30,680
If anyone was born to represent
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00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:33,120
that which you hold most dear,
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00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,580
it's this athletic,
wholesome young woman.
188
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:36,960
Yes. I'm also a spokesperson
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00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:38,679
for the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids
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00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,100
and the Childhood Leukemia Foundation.
191
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:42,360
Oh...
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00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,600
So, um...
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she, uh, would play me?
194
00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:56,150
We, uh, pre-record all dialogue,
195
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so it's your voice and her graceful body
196
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melting hearts, freezing ice.
197
00:10:03,910 --> 00:10:05,990
Yeah, well...
198
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,660
... I'd like a day to think about it.
199
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,500
No.
200
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:13,980
Why not?
201
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:16,260
Because it's my face on another body.
202
00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:21,510
Well, it's all happening.
203
00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:24,220
I hope you'll get on board.
204
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,160
But I said no.
205
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:30,200
It was 1987.
206
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,800
You told me about this school project,
207
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,130
this puppet show you were working on
208
00:10:35,150 --> 00:10:37,570
for the OSU TV station.
209
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:40,100
I said, "Let me build on this."
210
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,180
You said, "Dad,
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00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,060
I don't want a contract.
212
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,700
I want a rule, one rule...
213
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,079
We give it away."
214
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,520
That was the Jeff rule, Jeff.
215
00:10:50,580 --> 00:10:53,870
If we gave most of our
salaries to charity,
216
00:10:53,970 --> 00:10:56,160
I could make all the decisions.
217
00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,300
You didn't even want an office.
218
00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:08,200
I said I didn't want a desk.
219
00:11:08,430 --> 00:11:09,640
I have saved the whales.
220
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:11,319
I have saved the children.
221
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,730
Your sister started a school in Belize
222
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:15,620
for girls with Belizean problems.
223
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:16,980
All that extra cash goes
224
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,370
exactly where you want it to go.
225
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:20,380
We have abided.
226
00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:22,600
All I'm asking is just this one thing.
227
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,440
Am I right, Dee Dee?
228
00:11:25,370 --> 00:11:26,950
Jeff...
229
00:11:27,050 --> 00:11:28,260
What's one more Jeff?
230
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,990
The world needs more Jeffs.
231
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,220
You're not just copying me
232
00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:33,020
onto the body of a 30-year-old woman.
233
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,600
You're imbuing her with
my full authority.
234
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,880
Her actions become my actions,
235
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,770
her mistakes, my mistakes,
236
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,700
her mammaries, my mammaries.
237
00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:43,290
W-when you think about it,
238
00:11:43,390 --> 00:11:44,880
what's the difference between that
239
00:11:44,890 --> 00:11:48,250
and the already internationally
licensed versions of the show?
240
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,370
In a way, there's already
241
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:51,240
a copy of you in over 20 countries.
242
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:53,659
There's a difference between
Mr. Pickles-san of Japan
243
00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:55,780
or Monsieur Cornichon du France
244
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:57,980
or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.
245
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,750
I don't speak those languages.
246
00:11:59,850 --> 00:12:01,350
They wear different-colored ties.
247
00:12:01,450 --> 00:12:03,640
No child is gonna think
they're me and I'm them.
248
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:06,160
But Tara Lipinski would
be wearing my skin.
249
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,220
Eh, you're splitting hairs.
250
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:09,620
No, I'm not.
251
00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:10,920
It's a slippery slope.
252
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,540
What's next, you make a doll of me
253
00:12:12,570 --> 00:12:14,370
that'll say whatever you want?
254
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,730
Or a cartoon... that's even worse.
255
00:12:16,830 --> 00:12:18,120
Soon you won't need me anymore.
256
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:20,370
What are you talking about, Jeff?
257
00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:22,540
Sometimes I think that's what you want.
258
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,780
Sometimes I know that's what you want.
259
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,440
A talking doll is just commerce,
260
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:32,420
and animating you... I
hope we don't need to,
261
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:35,070
but that's all gonna
depend on your behavior.
262
00:12:37,610 --> 00:12:39,840
Why do you want to replace me?
263
00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:42,840
No one is replacing you.
264
00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:46,240
Come on, Jeff. Come on.
265
00:12:46,340 --> 00:12:49,400
Let's go, and let's meet...
266
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,330
the writers I hired.
267
00:12:51,430 --> 00:12:52,660
What writers?
268
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,640
Rabbi Michael Epstein
269
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:56,860
holds a PhD in child development.
270
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,760
Yeah, I'm a man of God,
but I'm also funny.
271
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,380
Grace Kasaki,
272
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,020
a graduate researcher from OSU.
273
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,640
She just published an article
274
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,790
in the Journal of Pediatric Sciences...
275
00:13:07,890 --> 00:13:10,220
The One Thing You Should
Never Feed a Child.
276
00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:12,240
It's wheat.
277
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:13,940
And Shelly Pinsker
278
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,240
runs a popular Columbus-area mommy blog.
279
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:19,500
I'm new to dialogue, but I'm exc...
280
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,770
Whew.
281
00:13:27,070 --> 00:13:28,530
We've never had writers before.
282
00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:31,200
I'm setting it up in case one day
283
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,540
you don't want to do this anymore.
284
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,400
I'm giving you the peace of mind
285
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,960
to know all this will
continue, regardless.
286
00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:39,700
Regardless of what?
287
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,790
How is Will's drug problem? Better?
288
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,360
Worse.
289
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,920
I'm sorry to hear that.
290
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:49,360
Don't you wish you could
spend more time with him?
291
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:50,720
Well, now you can.
292
00:13:58,760 --> 00:13:59,930
Jeff?
293
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:00,950
What?
294
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:02,039
We also need you
295
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,220
to reshoot your cloud song.
296
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,020
Why?
297
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,720
Your wedding ring.
298
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,040
I'm sorry, kiddo.
299
00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:11,880
I know we're piling it on today.
300
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:21,020
I was thinking, with the show
301
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,840
going through all this healthy upheaval,
302
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:25,720
what harm could it do to introduce...
303
00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:28,140
m-m-me?
304
00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:29,940
Roly Polly,
305
00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:31,970
the fearful pill bug.
306
00:14:32,070 --> 00:14:33,640
I love you, honey.
307
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,950
You're not a performer.
308
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:42,080
Bye-bye.
309
00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:46,600
I want to voice a puppet.
310
00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:49,480
You said when Jeff leaves the show,
311
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,060
I become the heart of the operation.
312
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,620
No, no. You're not the
heart of anything.
313
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,840
You become the brains, not the heart.
314
00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:57,120
Why can't I be the heart?
315
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,480
Oh, yes, now I see.
316
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:00,919
We're back in our living room.
317
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,400
He's seven, you're eight.
318
00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:04,900
He's belting Streisand in perfect pitch,
319
00:15:05,190 --> 00:15:06,600
and you're in the kitchen
320
00:15:06,610 --> 00:15:08,540
accidentally dropping frying pans.
321
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,630
You're good at building
corpses, Dee Dee.
322
00:15:10,650 --> 00:15:12,860
You're not so great at
bringing things to life.
323
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,520
That is Jeff's territory.
324
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,450
- That is not true!
- Oh, yes.
325
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:19,470
It was true when you were
a girl and you had Barbie
326
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,400
read Emily Dickinson to an empty room,
327
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,330
and it was true when you got older,
328
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,020
what with the in vitro.
329
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:26,740
Wow.
330
00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:29,520
I'm not inventing a theme
here. I'm exposing one.
331
00:15:29,550 --> 00:15:33,220
You're good at the quiet arts,
like conveying disdain.
332
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:35,560
See?
333
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,520
Please, can I puppet the pill bug?
334
00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:41,270
I need it.
335
00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:45,460
I need it. I need something for myself.
336
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:47,700
My marriage is falling apart.
337
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,840
It just feels that way because
you dislike each other.
338
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,740
I think Scott might be gay.
339
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,600
Oh, no, he's not. Trust me.
340
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,540
I'm a Navy man. You're fine, Dee Dee.
341
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,360
Jeff's breaking down,
but you're doing great.
342
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,700
Okay?
343
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:05,980
Okay.
344
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:10,160
My name is Roly Polly.
345
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:27,790
_
346
00:16:27,890 --> 00:16:29,399
_
347
00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:00,660
Whoo.
348
00:17:01,010 --> 00:17:03,030
Mickey Foyerstein.
349
00:17:03,130 --> 00:17:04,300
Who?
350
00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:07,550
Oh, t-this kid who got
kidnapped by an ice cream man.
351
00:17:07,650 --> 00:17:11,040
At first, I heard he got to eat
any ice cream bar for free,
352
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,600
so I was jealous.
353
00:17:12,630 --> 00:17:15,740
Then I heard he got molested,
and I was like, "Ah, sucks."
354
00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:17,080
Did you know him?
355
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:19,300
Nah, but I've been trying
to think of his name
356
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:20,860
ever since I learned
that that old dude's
357
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,750
been creeping on us in his creep coupe.
358
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,380
You, kid.
359
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,140
Get in the car.
360
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:30,380
Okay.
361
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,960
Don't do it, man! Think of Mickey.
362
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,260
Or else he would have lost
his innocence for nothing!
363
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:41,110
- Okay, look me in the eye.
- Hello! Help!
364
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:42,520
Where's the weed?
365
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:46,000
- I, uh, don't have any.
- Somebody! Help!
366
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:48,260
You don't have any?
367
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,420
What the hell are we gonna smoke?
368
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,890
He's gonna touch your genitals!
369
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,580
Listen!
370
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,580
I'm so glad you're here with me tonight.
371
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,880
I really missed you.
372
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,320
I saw my mom and Peter
watching this earlier.
373
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,070
Here.
374
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,350
There was some stuff going on.
375
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,260
I hate this.
376
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,860
Do you want me to turn it off?
377
00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:16,780
No.
378
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:20,240
I just want to cook you some pasta,
379
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:24,540
then twirl it around on the plate.
380
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:28,620
Boy, this is some dank ganj, huh?
381
00:18:28,950 --> 00:18:30,060
What?
382
00:18:31,550 --> 00:18:33,060
You like it?
383
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:36,200
- Yeah.
- Good.
384
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,330
'Cause that's the last time
385
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,070
you're ever gonna smoke weed, kid.
386
00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:42,900
You are breaking your father's heart
387
00:18:42,940 --> 00:18:45,000
with this shit, you understand me?
388
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,660
You're breaking his heart.
389
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,320
What about behind the school?
390
00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:53,580
Nah, man.
391
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,800
That's a total no-go.
392
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:57,940
Special Ed is practicing
archery in the woods.
393
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:03,810
Want to come get blazed?
394
00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:05,690
We don't know where yet.
395
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,260
Archery day, huh?
396
00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:09,440
Yeah, all week.
397
00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:10,960
The woods are not safe.
398
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,880
No, man, I'm actually, you know,
399
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,470
trying to eat healthier, smoke less.
400
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,500
Oh. Same.
401
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,980
Whatever, lesbians.
402
00:19:20,290 --> 00:19:22,290
There you go.
403
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,440
Ah, dope kicks.
404
00:19:28,060 --> 00:19:30,400
I like the way I feel in them.
405
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:33,570
They're dope kicks.
406
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:39,420
When I want to let it out...
407
00:20:39,510 --> 00:20:41,480
... sometimes I go swimming,
408
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,810
see how long I can hold my breath.
409
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,680
One time, I blacked out.
410
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,340
Good thing there was
a lifeguard on duty.
411
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,220
Or sometimes, I'll, uh,
412
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:54,540
blow really hard into a harmonica.
413
00:20:54,570 --> 00:20:56,180
That's really good.
414
00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:58,870
When I was Will's age, I'd go skating.
415
00:20:58,970 --> 00:21:00,870
Skate it off.
416
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:03,590
Well, you're pretty good at it.
417
00:21:03,690 --> 00:21:05,180
Yeah.
418
00:21:05,260 --> 00:21:08,040
I'm no Olympian... yet.
419
00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:11,800
Oh. Well, I don't think...
420
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:15,040
you want to tour meth
country in an ice show.
421
00:21:15,550 --> 00:21:18,880
No, but I don't like that
he can make another me.
422
00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:21,090
I like to feel necessary.
423
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,999
There's a really great quote
424
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,020
from the Y-Yajurveda.
425
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,770
It's a Hindu text. It'll
solve all your problems.
426
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,750
It says...
427
00:21:31,850 --> 00:21:33,760
"Punch your fucking father in the face."
428
00:21:35,650 --> 00:21:37,240
Do you know how many people
I've punched in the face
429
00:21:37,260 --> 00:21:39,220
ever since I stopped caring
about going to jail?
430
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,320
Three, including my oncologist.
431
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:42,359
Mm-hmm.
432
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,060
- Six dollars for a slice of pizza?
- Wow.
433
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,940
That's, like, a $30 meal.
434
00:21:46,060 --> 00:21:48,260
Who comes in here that can afford that?
435
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,899
My boss says global warming
436
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:52,380
iced out the tomato
crops this year, so...
437
00:21:52,460 --> 00:21:53,640
- Can you hang on a sec?
- Can you just please
438
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,180
stop yelling at me?
439
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,680
Excuse me.
440
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,420
Whatever anybody wants
441
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,500
for the rest of the day is free.
442
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,820
Like, start a tab?
443
00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:09,660
I don't... don't think
I'm allowed to do that.
444
00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:10,780
Sure you can.
445
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,560
Give this to yourself.
446
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,600
It feels wonderful.
447
00:22:16,370 --> 00:22:17,660
Thank you, Mr. Pickles.
448
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,200
- Thanks, dude.
- Thanks, Mr. Pickles.
449
00:22:21,390 --> 00:22:22,640
Saving the world.
450
00:22:22,820 --> 00:22:24,300
Nah...
451
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,420
feeding it.
452
00:22:27,710 --> 00:22:28,939
I asked my parents to come up
453
00:22:28,940 --> 00:22:30,160
for a week after my next round.
454
00:22:30,170 --> 00:22:31,700
They said it was too cold.
455
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,780
They live in Jersey.
456
00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:35,980
Well...
457
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,440
this is a difficult time for them, too.
458
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,660
They're afraid to know
a world without you.
459
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,920
No, they're upset that I went
460
00:22:42,940 --> 00:22:44,620
with the recommendations of my doctors
461
00:22:44,650 --> 00:22:47,099
and not something that
my dad found on WebMD.
462
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:48,760
Sorry, your card's been declined.
463
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,299
I-it keeps giving me the code you get
464
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:51,999
when they place a hold on it due to
465
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000
suspicious activity.
466
00:22:55,810 --> 00:22:57,050
Will.
467
00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:00,680
Do you take Discover?
468
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,820
May I enter the residence?
469
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:12,240
Yeah, just wipe your feet.
470
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,340
Hi. You've reached Jill and Will.
471
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,259
And sometimes Peter.
472
00:23:29,260 --> 00:23:31,460
Please leave a message after the tone.
473
00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:38,219
Have you been using my debit card?
474
00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:39,740
I don't think so.
475
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,700
You haven't used it to
buy anything online
476
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:42,920
or anything like that?
477
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,440
No.
478
00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:47,370
I promise.
479
00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:55,260
A plumber was applying
for a job in a building.
480
00:23:55,580 --> 00:23:57,499
The building manager said,
481
00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:59,500
"Are you a good plumber?"
482
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:03,100
And the plumber said, "Yes,
I'm the best plumber."
483
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:05,660
The building manager asked...
484
00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:09,120
"Have you ever made a mistake?"
485
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,160
And the plumber said, "Never."
486
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:13,520
"Then how can I hire you?"...
487
00:24:14,740 --> 00:24:17,700
... the manager replied.
488
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,379
"If you make a mistake,
489
00:24:19,380 --> 00:24:21,560
you won't know how to fix it."
490
00:24:23,410 --> 00:24:24,920
That doesn't make any sense.
491
00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:27,260
Why would the plumber need
to know how to fix a mistake
492
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,320
if his whole thing is
that he never makes them?
493
00:24:29,460 --> 00:24:30,679
Everybody makes mistakes.
494
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,620
Oh, so the plumber was lying?
495
00:24:32,980 --> 00:24:34,340
That's not what I'm saying.
496
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,479
Well, if he isn't lying,
then it seems pretty unfair
497
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,840
that he's getting passed
up for a worse plumber
498
00:24:39,860 --> 00:24:42,320
just because the manager
has a fetish for fuckups.
499
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,080
- Will!
- I didn't use your debit card.
500
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:46,620
Our words have power.
501
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:49,060
- If you're not careful...
- Shut up!
502
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,920
Stop talking! Stop with the lessons!
503
00:24:51,980 --> 00:24:54,930
We get it! You always know what to say!
504
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,240
I'm sorry.
505
00:24:57,300 --> 00:24:59,149
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
506
00:24:59,150 --> 00:25:01,620
I want you to listen.
507
00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:03,800
I'm your dad.
508
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,140
I'm always listening.
509
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:07,600
Doesn't matter.
510
00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:09,500
Poppy already sat me down
511
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,336
and told me everything you're
probably gonna say any...
512
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,890
He what? When?
513
00:25:13,990 --> 00:25:16,430
Yesterday, and it took
him about five words
514
00:25:16,460 --> 00:25:18,640
to say what takes you 100.
515
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,640
He's not me.
516
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,020
Peter's not me.
517
00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:26,260
Tara Lipinski's not me.
518
00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:28,820
Whatever.
519
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:30,760
Please don't send Poppy to kidnap me.
520
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,020
He's old, and he scares my friends.
521
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,540
I need to talk to him.
522
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,129
God damn it.
523
00:25:46,130 --> 00:25:47,740
Hey, did you accidentally
524
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,530
text me a bunch of Js this morning?
525
00:25:50,630 --> 00:25:52,700
You know, I'm always on your side,
526
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,500
no matter what, and I just...
527
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,960
I can't wait to meet Vivian.
She seems really cool.
528
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,280
And, you know, they're
always curing new stuff.
529
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,200
Do you think I have a heart?
530
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,920
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!
531
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,440
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!
532
00:26:23,510 --> 00:26:25,960
Hi, I'm Jeff.
533
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:50,920
Hello, this is Citibank,
534
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:52,680
early fraud detection department.
535
00:26:52,740 --> 00:26:54,920
A suspicious transaction in the amount
536
00:26:54,940 --> 00:26:58,400
of $678.43
537
00:26:58,420 --> 00:27:00,499
was charged to Bartleby's Shoes
538
00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:02,699
on Sunday, October 14th.
539
00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:06,900
Please press one to confirm
you made this transaction.
540
00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:11,950
On your way to archery, retard?
541
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,600
I know a place where we can light up.
542
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,360
- I thought you quit.
- Whatever.
543
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,840
- Whose house is this?
- Yeah.
544
00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:21,200
My new invisible neighbor.
545
00:27:21,380 --> 00:27:24,320
- It's empty?
- Yeah.
546
00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:27,500
No one moved in. It's just sitting here.
547
00:27:27,580 --> 00:27:30,530
♪ Two parts H, one part O ♪
548
00:27:30,550 --> 00:27:33,360
♪ Don't be afraid of
what you don't know ♪
549
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,200
♪ They're up there, it's
just vapor and air ♪
550
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,660
♪ Even the thunder is made from air ♪
551
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,520
♪ But could a cloud ♪
552
00:27:40,580 --> 00:27:44,460
♪ Get too heavy and fall? ♪
553
00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:47,260
♪ No, there's nothing to be scared of ♪
554
00:27:47,300 --> 00:27:49,680
♪ At all ♪
555
00:27:49,820 --> 00:27:51,680
♪ There's nothing... ♪
556
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:52,800
Et voilà.
557
00:27:52,820 --> 00:27:54,980
♪ ... to be scared of ♪
558
00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:59,340
♪ At all ♪
559
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,759
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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