All language subtitles for I Feel Bad - 01x03 - I Lie to My Kids

That's our alarm going off

an hour earlier than usual,
'cause with three kids

and two jobs, there's never
enough time in the morning.

But Mama figured it out.

Baby, get up.

It's time to do it.

Mm, I don't wanna. Too early.

Oh, come on.

Don't make me do it all by myself.

No, I don't know
if I can get the little guy up.

He's not so little anymore.

Wait, what are we talking about right now?

Getting the kids to school on time.

Mm, yeah, yeah, kids. I knew that.

God, you still wake up
like this every morning?

Mm.

What a waste.

Okay, we're tricking the kids by setting

the clocks an hour ahead,
'cause we're the family

who's always late for school and work,

and I'm tired of sucking at life.

- Eat! Good morning.
- Why is it still dark out?

It's double daylight savings time.

Here, eat your breakfast.

Let's see if we can find
any clean coffee cups

in this filthy hellhole.

Holy moly, you're awake already.

Yep, we're crushing it.

You're not crushing it, man.
You want to see crushing it?

Look at the Walkers.
They're already reaching

the peak of their sunrise hike.

Come on, we've got
a good little bunch here too.

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie...

Mom, you know how fake that Instagram family
you're obsessed with is, right?

Oh, you're just jealous
because you ain't got no content.

Oh, I just wish
this family would do one thing

to make me feel hashtag blessed.

Oh, no, we are,

because we are hashtag on time for school.

We're on time. Great, let's go.

Bye, I love you.

Okay, great, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Wait, I forgot about my homework.

- It's fine. We'll do it in the car.
- Yeah.

Okay, I'm just supposed to do
a report about Abraham Lincoln,

build a log cabin, and dress up like him.

Hashtag morning fail.

Do you have a top hat?

We didn't have time for anything

except faking the worst costume in history.

- Costume.
- Costume.

- Stapler.
- Stapler.

- Log cabin.
- Log cabin.

Here you go, yes.

Are you guys sure this is good?

Sometimes you just have to
tell your kids the truth.

Honey, it's not good.

It is great!

This is not one of those times.

_

_

And here we are late again,

stuck in the usual school drop-off hell.

These people take their
costumes too seriously.

Okay, come on, enough with the kissing.

They're going off to Tuesday, not college.

We got a spot. We got a spot. Yes!

Aha, aha.

Ah, yes!

Work hard. Be kind. Love you.

Get out.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, sorry, the fast lane is a new perk
for honor roll students only.

I guess somebody didn't
read the school newsletter.

Sorry, how do you know that
we're not an honor roll family?

Because you don't have a sticker...

And your child is drinking syrup.

Louie, stop drinking your homework.

Just move it back into the other lane, okay?

Thank you.

Okay, that's cultural appropriation.

Namaste.

I know, I know I'm late. I know, I know.

I got screwed by the honor roll fast lane.

Okay, just tell me you guys started working
on the creature designs.

The creature designs.

No, of course you didn't.

Did you at least save me a plain bagel?

No, all that's left is the
bottom half of a blueberry.

It's not our fault, okay?

The jocks took all the good bagels.

Okay, they're not jocks.

They're nerdy sports game developers.

I don't know why you guys
let them intimidate you.

The guys had always been disgruntled

because they didn't get roof access
while the sports guys did.

Hey, dudes.

You want to join us on the roof?

Oh, yeah, you can't.
Roof access is a big dog perk.

The meaner the jocks were to the guys,

the more the guys wanted
to hang out with them.

Man, those guys are frickin' cool.

They are such big old d-holes.

If all it took was being a d-hole,

you'd be on the roof already.

Oh, my God, thank you, Norman.

You know what?

You guys deserve roof access,

and I deserve an honor roll sticker

even if I don't have an honor roll kid.

I deserve a blue badge.

That's it: I can make one.

Make an honor roll kid, at your age?

Not a kid, Chewey, a sticker.

I can make a sticker.

Right.

You know what, fire up the Photoshop.

Let's go, move it. Move it.

And just like that,
I had an honor roll sticker.

Oh, hey, Mom.

Hey, volunteer mom,
who wants to [bleep] with me?

You want to try [bleep]ing with me today?

Mom, language.

God, I thought you had your headphones in.

Ah. Work hard. Be kind. Love you. Get out.

Oh! Sticker.

Left it at home last time.

Bye, bitch.

Don't mind if I do.

Ow!

Hey, Lily, is that your sticker?

No.

Huh, then how'd Mom get one?

I got my ID swipe on at 8:59, baby players.

Almost took the stairs 'cause I'm nasty.

I'm a punctual baller, son.

Oh, I'm all about that on-time life,
am I right?

I've been here since 6:00.

Thank you very much for that.

Appreciate you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I'm here.

Hi, pretties.

Hello, all the bagels.

Oh, you're so plain.

Okay, let me see some sketches.

Well, I have about 50...

- Great.
- Of the roof deck.

What?

You know, the one that we're excluded from.

See, I'm thinking that there is a fountain

surrounded by velvet chaise lounges.

I love a chaise lounge.

Is it a couch? Is it a bed?

I meant for work, Chewey.

Oh, then no, sorry. I get obsessed.

Ever since I was a kid,

I would sketch things I couldn't experience,

you know, like prom or... pfft...
other kids' birthday parties

or parents in a happy marriage.

Bet those jocks are up there right now

you know, talking about hoops
and beers and touchdowns,

hanging out in some sick-ass grotto

underneath, like, a frickin' waterfall.

Just... pbbt... oh.

Just a friggin' waterfall.

That's why we can't get a
good flush going down here.

It's classist, okay?

A good flush is a fundamental human right.

It's about dignity.

Guys, stop, okay?

Listen, if I can get to work
like a punctual baller,

you guys can get roof access
like sneaky ballers.

But first get back to work
like worker ballers.

Can you stop talking like that?

No. It's fun.

Ugh. Okay, you heard bagel baller.

- Get back to work.
- Yeah.

I'm making a fake badge.
We're getting on that roof.

Yes!

Sorry, that was decades in the making.

After slaying it at work,

I even had time to make a nutritious meal
for my family... happen.

What, hot deli.

What is the occasion?

I don't know,
just killing it at life, I guess.

Oh, what a wonderful mother.

Thanks, Mom.

Not you, Mrs. Walker.

She made her family frittatas

with fresh veggies from her garden.

Why is she in a bikini in every photo?

I imagine her kitchen is very hot.

You know, Mom, I could Photoshop
the best version of us too,

but I don't want us to be a family of liars.

Trust me, all their deceit
will catch up to them someday.

- Mom, Mom.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I know about the sticker, Mom.

Oh, God, it's caught up to me.

Okay, honey, listen to me. I can explain.

You don't have to.
You tried to keep it a secret

so Lily wouldn't feel bad.

I made the honor roll!

Ah!

Thumbs up if you're okay.

You, you, you!

Chh! Pccch!
You forged an honor roll sticker.

Okay, okay, so I rigged the system a little,

but the system sucks.

The school is giving free fast passes
to kids who are already ahead

when it is mediocre people
like us who need the extra time,

- and you know it.
- Wow.

Do you know how awesome it was

to have a five-minute drop off?

It's not appropriate to... Five minutes?

Door to drop-off.

We can't let Louie think
that he earned something

that he didn't earn.

Bad parenting, bad.

Oh, I know. I will go tell him the truth.

Okay, good.

Wow, five minutes door to drop-off.

You know,
I did make an extra sticker for you.

- No.
- Damn it.

Hey, buddy, can we just talk for one...

Are you doing homework?

You know, Mom,
being on the honor roll is so cool.

Yeah, sweetie, about that.

All my friends are good at stuff.

Judson plays baseball.

Leah draws cartoons.

Keegan was on "The Good Wife."

But now I'm finally good
at something too: school!

Louie's finally proud of himself,

and I'm about to take it all away.

What a wonderful mother.

Enough with Mrs. Walker, Mom.

- Oh, not her. You.
- What?

When Indian moms are proud,
they feed you sweets,

or so I've heard.

A son on the honor roll.

Oh!

You're just killing him.

It, Mom. I'm killing it.

So we just keep lying to him?

All I'm saying is,

we've always treated Louie
like some sort of late bloomer.

We rebrand him as an honor roll student,

and, look, he's motivated to become one.

And this has nothing to do with the fact
that your mother's being nice to you?

No, no, of course not. I'm a grown woman.

I don't need my mother's approval.

What's happening?

Number one dad!

Way to go, chief.

Oh, I think your mom just tipped me.

Yeah, it's an Indian thing.
She's proud of you.

- Feels really good.
- I know, I told you.

Look, 20 bucks.

- Oh, God, look at it.
- There it is.

We need to duplicate that
badge to get to the roof.

- Coast is clear.
- I do believe we are clear.

Hang on, whoa, whoa, who's this?

Oh, no, wait. Oh.

Well, knock me down with a feather.

I thought you were morally
objected to stealing a badge.

I am. It's wrong.

I got here early to catch the
new girl in the parking lot.

She pulled up in her Subaru,
sun dancing off her nose ring,

and I was like, "Good morning."

And she said, "Hey, Gorman."

So close and not even a name.

Yeah, well, she seems dumb.

So, okay, let's do this.

Okay, go, go, go.

Oh, just gonna do my morning stretches.

Oh, nothing unusual about that.

Doing my normal morning routine.

Ooh.

That was way more chill than
I thought it was gonna be.

Look at us.

We're like James Bond
and James Bond's friend.

Idiots. They've got no idea.

Guess who made it in early
again thanks to the sticker?

This guy. Coffee's on me.

Be warned,
you're all tangled up in a web of lies

that's just gonna keep
getting tanglier and stickier

until the spider of truth

descends on you and everyone you love

and poisons you with the sting of regret.

Yeah, I don't care.

I picked a book

from the advanced
reading list at the library,

and 'cause I'm smart,
they gave it to me for free.

They're free for everyone.

What? How do they stay in business?

Oy.

Mom, I'll take my ice cream now.

Wait, we get weekday ice cream?

Are you pregnant again?

No, no.

Hate to be this guy,

but Mom said we only get weekday ice cream

if we made the honor roll.

The H is silent, you little ding-dong.

It's not fair.

I study way harder than him.

I should be getting ice cream.

I'm sorry, Lily.

Psst, I'll get you dessert.

I don't know when or how,
but, by God, I will.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We'll watch "The Voice" in bed later.

I love you.

What do you think, huh?

Does this say, "I am proud of my family,"

but also, "Look at me"?

Wow, are you just really late for prom?

It's for the honor roll ceremony tomorrow.

Don't you read the school newsletter?

Yeah, I do, a lot.

I can't wait to Instagram my little Louie

receiving his certificate.

So does Number One Mama

want to have her hair done
with me tomorrow, huh?

- My treat!
- Whoa, man.

Norman was right. I'm in a web.

When you're in this deep,
the only thing to do is...

Oh, yeah, ah.

...sink even deeper.

I know I'm headed for disaster.

Dear God, this woman has magic fingers.

But I will get out of this mess

right after...

thiiiiiiis!

All right. Okay. Let's go through
the checklist with things we need

for the roof mission. Badge?

- Check.
- Okay.

Yeah, that's everything.

- All right, we're good.
- Uh, hold on.

Integrity... not check.

Oh, man, okay, you know what?

You can keep your integrity down here,

but guess who's on that roof

is your dumb nose ring hippie girl, mm-hmm.

- You serious?
- Uh-huh.

Subaru Girl is in the sports division?

- She do.
- Think about it.

She might let you close enough
to taste her natural oils.

- She doesn't wash.
- Ooh...

Why would you want her to?

Damn it, I'm in. Whatever.

- Yes.
- I'll do it.

- Okay.
- Good boy.

Well, I think we found
our new creature design.

We just got to coax it off Emet's head.

Okay, shut up, Griff. I'm in deep.

Apparently there's an honor roll ceremony.

How hard is it to hack into Louie's school?

I'm already in.

- You are, really?
- No, not really.

You think I'm going to hack
into a children's school

with this predator stache?

Well, well, well, Medusa,
seems like a little spider

might have climbed down and visited you.

It looks like it's time
to come clean to your son.

That was a joke, right?

You are joking, yeah,
because that is madness.

I mean, sure, yeah, maybe three days ago,

absolutely fine, hunky dory.

But not now. It's too late.

I mean, little Louie, he'll be crushed.

And your mum?

Well, she's gonna have
ammo on you for years.

No, you are trapped.
There is no way out.

You're trapped, damn it!

Sorry, this whole roof mission thing
has got me really on edge.

He's right.

There's only one option.

I have to leave my family.

Or you could just buy your kid off.

Or I could buy my kid off.

We can't buy our kid off.
We have to come clean.

Oh, oh, sure, let's go tell that sweet face

to put his book down
and try to get an audition

for "The Good Wife" because he's dumb again.

Laser tag? That sounds rad.

Okay, yeah, laser tag.

Did someone say laser tag?

- Mom said laser tag.
- Someone did.

Hey, you know how
you're always trying to get me

to go to Laseropolis and I'm always like,

"No, 'cause it's hell and I
hate it more than anywhere."

She hates it worse than my parents' house.

Yeah, totes.

Well, guess who got VIP passes?

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Mom.

But they're only good for today.

What, they're only good for today?

They're only good for today.
We have to go today.

Which means you'd have
to miss the honor roll thing,

but, I mean, who wants to go
to some sort of honor roll ceremony

when you could go play space wars
with a bunch of kids

who are hopped up on hormones and Slurpees?

- Pew!
- Bam!

Nah, I want to go to the honor roll thing.

- We have to leave our family.
- It's the only way.

We're Oscar Mike.

Watch my six.

This is exciting.

What the hell was that?

Game over. Abort! Abort! Abort!

Hello?

Shh.

Good-bye.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Um...

Today... we become men.

Let's do it.

Okay, man.

Whew.

I feel alive.

Take a good one, Googaloo.

Everybody say "honor roll."

Honor roll.

Ha ha!

- Okay.
- Okay, listen, after my mom

gets her perfect Instagram picture,
follow my lead, okay?

Okay, we've got the money shot.

- Let's go.
- That's not the...

Uh.

Oh, God, oh, sorry.

Give me one second. I'm not feeling so well.

- What's up?
- I think I'm gonna throw up.

So throw up. Come on, let's go.

I'm worried if we're late,
all the cake will get eaten.

Uhh. Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, it's hitting me too.

- Yeah.
- Oh. You know what?

I'll bet it's from all that bagged chicken
Emet makes us eat. It feels like we have...

Food poisoning. I think it's that

because it usually...
it hits the mother first.

We should probably go
before we puke all over

and bring shame to our family.
David, go get the car.

Oh, wait, wait.

I see someone who can help.

It's the Walkers!

Dr. Walker, hello.

You have got to be kidding me.

Those people actually exist?

Oh, Dr. Walker, thank God.

My daughter and her husband are sick
because she won't cook.

- Can you help?
- I'd be happy to help.

When did the pain start?

Four days ago.

Ah.

This might not be food poisoning.

I suggest we head to the ER.

Mommy, are you dying?

We'll be orphans.

They're gonna split us up.

And it's gone too far.

Okay, okay, stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Okay, I can't do this anymore.

I'm not dying. I'm fine.

I'm a liar, okay?

Louie's not on the honor roll.

But I'm sure you had a
good reason for doing it,

so let's just go to dinner.

Buca di Beppo's?

We made it.

Is this really happening?

I love you guys.

Ah, no, no touching.

What?

Uh...

That's the waterfall?

Oh, she's a smoker?

And a murderer?

Oh...

The jocks are doing yoga.

This is some serious bitch-ass-ness.

Never meet your heroes, man.

Oh, God, we've had a ball pop out.

We have confirmation on testicle.

Get back in the elevator. Come on, go!

- Yeah, yeah. Go, go.
- Come on!

You faked an honor roll sticker?

I get a new phone now, right?

Yeah, probably.

Look, honey, I am so sorry.

All your dad and I want

is for you to feel better
about yourself, okay?

And maybe get ready a little
faster in the morning.

Can you forgive us?

Yeah, actually, I'm relieved.

I couldn't figure out how
I got on the honor roll.

I do not try.

Buddy, okay, I'll tell you what.

We'll lie a little less,

and you try a little more, okay?

All right, everybody happy?

Everybody's happy.

- Buca di Beppo's!
- Yes!

No Buca di Beppo.

You made me a glamorous fool.

So where's my apology?

Fine, Mom, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you don't get the
perfect Instagram daughter.

You get me.

Okay, I'm always late.

I currently have a dirty diaper in my purse.

I haven't done my laundry in two weeks,

so I'm wearing a leotard as underwear,

and I was willing to spin
a web of sticky little lies

just to have my mom shove
love cake in my mouth.

Wow, that's pathetic.

- Hey.
- Excuse me.

No, no.

Nobody talks to my wife like that

except her own mother.

And I've earned it.

This is a wonderful mother.

No, she doesn't prance around in a bikini
like Mrs. Dr. Walker, but she could,

and it would be hot.

Lately, she's doing a lot of
the one-piece thing, okay,

but I really miss those bikinis, man.

- You do?
- Yes.

Baby, I can still do a bikini.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, just give me a little heads up.

Yeah, well, consider this your heads up.

You know, as a doctor,
I've seen some pretty sick people

but you guys take the...

Cake! I took it!

Run!

Run! Run, run, run, run!

Go, go, go!

- Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, the baby, the baby, the baby!

Okay, excuse me. Just gonna...

Yes!

You see, I told you I'd get you dessert.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Hey, Louie, I hope you know
that your dad and I

think you're a smart and capable kid, okay?

Here, have some cake.

The spoon touched my dingle dangle.

Mmm.

I am proud of you, okay?

Thanks, Mom.

And I'm sorry that you have

to take the honor roll
picture off of Instagram.

Are you crazy, man?

I'm not going to take that off.

Once it's on the Internet, it's true.

Well, who am I to judge?
I'm eating stolen cake.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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