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1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,360
No, no. Down a bit. Down.
2
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,680
No, it has to be at head height.
Erm, I find that term offensive.
3
00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,400
Down! Is symmetry too much to ask?
Where's the tinsel?
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,800
Guys, please! Whoa!
5
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,640
Oh, no.
6
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:18,000
Oh, no. Ooh.
Guys, what did I miss?
7
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,800
Is it a good thing?
8
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,720
TOY PLAYS JINGLE BELLS TUNE
9
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,760
Yes, I'm sure that's how St Nicholas
would wish to be remembered!
10
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,360
What the heck is that?
Oh, I know, I know.
11
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,320
Kitty spotted it when I was looking
for lights and she was like,
12
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,760
"Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
13
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,160
please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
14
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,440
please, please, please, please,
please, please."
15
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:39,960
OK, I get it. I get it.
16
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,640
TOY CONTINUES TO PLAY TUNE
17
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,440
MAN WHISTLES TUNE
18
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,720
It's him!
19
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,960
Catherine, I assure you
that Father Christmas
20
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:19,200
is not re-e-e-e-ally
21
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,960
in the habit
22
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,920
of appearing before Christmas Eve.
23
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,480
I mean, I think what you saw
was one of his elves
24
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,080
on a reconnaissance mission
25
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:34,200
to... to... to recce the terrain
before the primary operation.
26
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,720
I think you might be letting
your imagination run away with you.
27
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,760
Lucky Fanny, to be touched up
by such a hand.
28
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,640
I'll do you next!
29
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,440
Me? A portrait?
30
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,080
Oh, how I longed to be painted
in life.
31
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,800
What a Christmas gift that will be!
Thank you, Alison.
32
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:59,760
No, I... So, what with Mike's family
not coming this year,
33
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,040
I thought maybe
you'd like to get involved
34
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,200
with one of our festive traditions.
35
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,200
The Button House Christmas quiz!
36
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,720
Yes, yes.
37
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,160
To be honest, we just really want
a nice, quiet Christmas this year.
38
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,000
Just me and Mike, without...
39
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,560
Oh, I'll keep the questions light.
40
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,840
It could be something as easy
as what's the Captain's name?
41
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,040
We can revise. It's fine.
42
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,880
But for the record, his name is...
43
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,720
What on earth?!
44
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,760
Yeah... Oooh!
45
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,360
What the...?
46
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,680
Hm.
47
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,920
Mm. Who put that there?
48
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,160
Erm, excuse me...
49
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,160
DOG BARKS
50
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,400
Dog!
51
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,160
Alison! Dog in a tent!
52
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,000
That's a tent. Yeah.
And that's a dog.
53
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,560
Yeah, I get it.
54
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,400
Do we knock?
How do you knock a tent?
55
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,960
DOG BARKS
56
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,960
Oh, oh!
57
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,800
What are you doing?
What are YOU doing?
58
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,680
I'm listening to Talk Sport.
59
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,920
No, what are you doing
in our garden?
60
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:16,800
Is this is not a field?
It's a wheat...
61
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,400
That's not the point.
You're trespassing. Mike...
62
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,160
Right, yeah. OK.
Well, don't tell the...
63
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,400
you know, anyone.
Yeah, all right, I'll go.
64
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,520
Have you got somewhere to go to,
or...?
65
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,360
Well, not really. Yeah, no.
Yeah, of course. Sorry.
66
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,720
Erm...
67
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,320
Well, you don't have to go,
like, this minute. No?
68
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,920
You can... you could, like,
stay for tonight.
69
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,320
Yeah? Just one night. Or two.
70
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,440
Well, that would be...
Thank you. Yeah.
71
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,560
Well, I'm Alison, by the way.
Sorry. This is Mike. Nicholas.
72
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,600
Of course it is!
No, no, no, no, no.
73
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:56,560
I stay. If I here before house,
then house on my land.
74
00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:01,240
Ooh! So it's Mike and Alison
would be the dress baskets!
75
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,160
Dress baskets. You see? Exactly.
76
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,960
Yeah. Interesting. Mm.
77
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,000
Look, you can't even see it.
Yeah.
78
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,360
But we still know it's there.
On your land. My land.
79
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,440
Our land. My land!
80
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,040
Look, I don't want to sound all
"not in my back yard,"
81
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,480
but you really don't want one
in your back yard.
82
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:25,480
Or front yard. Or stable yard.
Or on any other land you own.
83
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,320
Quite right. Layabout.
I mean, where's the discipline?
84
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,960
Where's the pride?
85
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,680
We had one behind Rumbelows
back in the day. Yeah.
86
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,000
Right potty mouth.
87
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,920
Chalky dog poos everywhere.
88
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,560
That's typical, I'm afraid.
89
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,520
Well, if you want my opinion...
Oh, here we go.
90
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,560
I think you're all being
very unfair and judgmental.
91
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,960
What? Well, we have absolutely
no idea of the circumstances
92
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,840
that have led this gentleman
to his current situation.
93
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,080
Ha!
94
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,720
Did I mention that I happened to
cross paths with Adelaide Pembroke
95
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,000
and her delightful daughter,
Felicity Wednesday last?
96
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,200
And... Mother...
97
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,280
Well, there's no need
to take that tone.
98
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,160
You had no idea what I was
about to say.
99
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,320
Felicity's getting married.
100
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,400
No, actually.
101
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,960
But, yes, as it happens. Mother.
I refuse to be drawn into...
102
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,440
Seven years your junior,
103
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,560
and Gladys just strides
into matrimony with a lord.
104
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,560
...the same conversation... Lord!
105
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,400
I am utterly delighted for Felicity
Pembroke and her mother.
106
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,560
May their smiles be as bright
as their minds are dim.
107
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,040
Fanny! How fortunate that the topic
of formal education never arose
108
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,520
in that household, since no Pembroke
woman in five generations
109
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,360
has had the mental capacity
to count the fingers on one hand!
110
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:58,800
Stephanie, the field of mathematics
is well served already by men.
111
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,760
I could help Father
with the business!
112
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:04,480
Your father is perfectly capable of
managing his own financial affairs.
113
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,400
SHE COUGHS
114
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:11,120
Messrs Broadwick and Son
are at the door, Ma'am.
115
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,440
Ooh! Son...
116
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,840
Bailiffs, Ma'am.
117
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,120
See? You can see it from the house.
Barely.
118
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,840
We don't even use this room.
119
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,200
What even is this room?
120
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,080
It is my room!
121
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,520
Oh... I suppose you're right.
122
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,760
A couple of days there.
Yeah, exactly. A couple of days.
123
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,080
And then we'll be back to our cosy
Cooper Christmas, just snuggling
124
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,040
by the fire with mistletoe,
mulled wine.
125
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,360
You and me...
126
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,800
DOG BARKS
127
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,800
Still here!
128
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,040
Yep.
129
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,600
Is that...? Right, that's it.
130
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,560
Oh, my God! Mike...
131
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,400
What was it?
132
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,640
Morning! Morning. No!
133
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,960
Excuse me! Excuse me,
where has that come from?
134
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,760
I'm going to go out on a limb
here and say... a bottom?
135
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,840
Well, I hope you're not suggesting
that I...
136
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,520
No! I mean, your dog.
Actually, where do you...?
137
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,000
No, I mean your dog.
But why MY dog?
138
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,400
Haven't any of your other
neighbours got dogs?
139
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,280
Oh! Well, yes, actually.
It's got loads.
140
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,320
But that's not the point.
Well, there you go.
141
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,920
Cos let me assure you,
I always bag it and bin it.
142
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,520
I keep a very tight leash on...
143
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,160
Rudy?
144
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,680
Rudy!
145
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,880
DOG BARKS
146
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,880
Rudy!
147
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,280
Rudy? Rudolph!
148
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,760
Alison! Captain!
149
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,840
Anyone!
150
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,040
Just... Erm, just roughly speaking,
how much longer do you...?
151
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,840
Thomas, I told you not to choose
that pose.
152
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,280
Oh, no, I'm comfortable.
Too comfortable, if anything!
153
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,320
I was just wondering
if YOU needed a break.
154
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,160
No, I've actually found
it quite relaxing.
155
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,720
Question 89.
156
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:03,160
Usually... We all love The Beatles,
but which one is Robin's favourite?
157
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,200
Is it A, Stag?
158
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,520
B, dung? Pat...
159
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,320
Do you think maybe this revision
is like taking some of the fun
160
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,080
out of the quiz?
Oh, not at all.
161
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,200
It should be fun. But go up
against Fanny unprepared,
162
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,720
and she'll eat you alive.
163
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,440
OK. Question 90.
164
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,440
Yeah, I think I might just
give this a bit of a rest. Yes.
165
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,520
Aahhh! Yes, you clearly needed
a little break! Yeah.
166
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,240
CLEARS THROAT
167
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,880
Mrs Cooper, I've been to talk
to my lawyer about how long
168
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,200
house been on my land.
169
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:39,640
And she tell me I's gots rights.
He's got rights, Alison.
170
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,400
Me cut to chase.
We do munch the numbers,
171
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:48,600
and by my calculators,
you owe me back rent of...
172
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,000
It's a quazillion pounds
and five shillings.
173
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,840
Well, you've just made that number
up and you can't spend money.
174
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,960
So...
175
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,240
THEY MUTTER
176
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,920
Right, well,
we'll get back to you, then!
177
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,440
HE GASPS
178
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,440
Why?!
179
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,480
HE MUTTERS
180
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,120
What are you doing? What we should
have done two weeks ago.
181
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,520
Telling the council.
182
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,760
There's systems in place to help
people who've got...
183
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,760
No, I don't know about this.
Quite right.
184
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,200
That sort, you give them an inch,
they'll take a mile. More!
185
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,720
HE JIBBERS
186
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,640
You know, we had a similar problem
with some "Right to Roam" types
187
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,680
at the Bramptons. I mean,
700 years is a good innings
188
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,440
for a public footpath.
189
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:38,160
High time it became something else.
Like my swimming pool.
190
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,880
Ah, well... Good to send.
191
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,320
Ready to send. Just press send.
192
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,080
Want to press send?
193
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,920
Look, you said a couple of days,
and it became a couple of weeks.
194
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,840
And now it's nearly Christmas.
Oh, well, exactly. It's Christmas.
195
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,840
I just... I don't think we can do
this now.
196
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,400
It doesn't feel right. All right.
197
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:58,040
Don't make me feel like, what's his
face? You, boy! What day is it?
198
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,240
Michael Caine. You do know there's
a non Muppet version of that story?
199
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,840
Yeah, but it's not as good.
That's true.
200
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,360
DOG BARKS
201
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,320
Yeah, yeah.
202
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,400
Yeah, no. It's bad, isn't it?
It's really, really bad.
203
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,240
I mean, the nose is just weird.
204
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,400
What will I say when she gifts me
this upon Christmas morn?
205
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,560
I suppose you'll just have
to pretend you like it.
206
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,840
Like I did when Carol bought me
that creative Newkie Brown,
207
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,240
when she knows I like Watney's!
208
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,160
"Thank you, Alison,
209
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,520
"so much for this...
210
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,640
"...magnificent..."
211
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,960
Yeah. Yeah, no, I think...
212
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,800
I think she'd know
it's not Watney's... wanted.
213
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,640
Ah, but the truth would break her.
My opinion means so much to her.
214
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,880
Well, I'm not much of a fibber,
but if it's bare faced lies
215
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,200
you're after, you know
who you should talk to?
216
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,080
Yes?
217
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,040
So what, we should just ignore him?
218
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,160
No, I'm not saying that,
I'm just saying,
219
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,520
don't get too involved.
220
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,520
Oh, come on, it's just a hot meal.
221
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,680
It's not moving in.
222
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,440
Although... No.
It's a security risk.
223
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,160
We don't know anything about him.
224
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,440
I mean, the meal's a nice idea,
but... No! My cottage pie!
225
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,480
Mm! Mm! Lovely.
226
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,480
Mm-hm. Yeah.
227
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,480
We've done some thoughts, and there
be a new offer on the table.
228
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,440
See, land is mine.
229
00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,560
So we take bit of house
that actual touch the land,
230
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,240
and the bit that float in the sky...
The ups the stairs.
231
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,640
... is yours. So, deal?
OK, so how will we get to upstairs
232
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,000
without using downstairs?
233
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,840
We'll be in touch.
234
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,720
Knock, knock.
235
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,960
Oh, hello.
I was just making some...
236
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,880
No, I'm sorry. That's a lie.
I was...
237
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,160
I brought you a cottage pie.
I don't know if you...
238
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,920
Oh! Oh, thank you. That's very...
Thank you.
239
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,720
Oh, no, thank YOU.
240
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,400
DOG BARKS
241
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,520
OK. Calm...
242
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,280
Calm. Calm. Alison?
243
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,120
Calm, yeah? Enjoy the meal?
244
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,520
Oh, er, yeah, yes.
I was talking to the dog.
245
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,040
Oh, right. Yeah.
246
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,760
Erm... Look, truth be told,
I'm just not really a fan
247
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,640
of that kind of thing.
I mean, I appreciate...
248
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,920
Beggars can't be choosers!
Who do really think you are?
249
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,000
You're a liar. I had my fill
of that kind of stuff
250
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,440
when I was in the forces.
251
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,080
Salt of the Earth.
Pride of the nation.
252
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,040
We owe him our thanks, actually.
I'm sorry,
253
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,360
I don't know why I assumed
you'd eat... everything.
254
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,080
Happens all the time.
I lost my house, not my taste buds.
255
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,400
Ha-ha, ha-ha! OK, but that
is a great cottage pie.
256
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,280
Oh, it's really...
257
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,600
Right, just, wait there. Wait there.
258
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:32,000
There is nothing. No-o-o-thing
that cannot be lied about.
259
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:36,720
Or rather, there is no truth
that cannot be avoided.
260
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,160
For example, if someone asks
you an incriminating question,
261
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,080
simply answer with another question.
262
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,920
Does that actually work?
With respect,
263
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,160
The question is,
do you want it to work?
264
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,640
You see? Oooh.
Give it a go, shall we?
265
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:55,080
Hi, Thomas. The lovely Alison here.
Little dress. Peck on the cheek,
266
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,720
maybe? I don't know.
267
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,720
Do you like the lovely painting
I've done of you?
268
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:06,280
How could one not like the effort
269
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,440
you put into creating...
270
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,720
...those beady eyes
and wonky chin and the nose!
271
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,560
It's... OK, OK. OK, we've run
before we can walk.
272
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,520
Let's try another approach,
shall we?
273
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,520
Mm. Very resourceful.
274
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,640
I mean, more of a commis chef,
really.
275
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,080
But, you know, shown me the ropes.
276
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,080
And when I got demobbed,
got myself a van,
277
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,600
turned it into a pizza truck.
And that led to the restaurant.
278
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,280
Try a bit of that.
279
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,160
Oh, man! That beats cottage pie!
280
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,400
DOG BARKS
281
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,400
Ignore him.
282
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,440
He's got a very unrefined palate.
So if you don't mind me asking,
283
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,200
how did you end up...?
284
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,240
Ah. That question.
285
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:55,000
Well, that's another thing
I learnt in the forces.
286
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,920
When things go south,
you very rarely see it coming.
287
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,160
You cannot do this! Come on, now.
288
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,280
Unhand it! Let it go. Unhand it!
Oh, no, it's valuable.
289
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,000
Come on. There you go.
290
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,080
Father, what in heaven's
name is going on?
291
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,480
Now, now, now.
There's no need for histrionics.
292
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,720
But they're taking away
the furniture!
293
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,440
It's just a storm in a teacup!
Oh, the tree!
294
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,320
It seems that I... I mean,
the business,
295
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,600
has accrued a certain amount
of minor debt,
296
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,760
so I have facilitated a means to
recoup those losses by investment.
297
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,000
Sellways of Brentford. Bookmaker.
298
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,000
Nebworth and Son. Bookmaker.
299
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,120
Yes, ignore those.
Those numbers are wrong.
300
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,120
Trust me, my darling.
301
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,800
None of this adds up.
302
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,360
Yes, it does.
303
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,800
It adds up perfectly.
304
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,120
We have got to get some
of those Haribo beans.
305
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,200
Haricot. They are nice.
306
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,680
HE is nice.
307
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,120
I'll tell you what he is.
He's wise.
308
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,160
He's a wise man. Yeah.
309
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,680
And I don't use that term...
310
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,360
No! You're kidding me! What?
311
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,240
There's another one. Hey!
312
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,360
Hey! What's all the rumpus?
313
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,160
Oh, I can't believe it!
314
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,520
Ha! Told you.
You give them an inch...
315
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,600
That's it. I'm reporting him.
Wait. No...
316
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,440
No, he had his chance, he's taken
us for mugs. I agree, I agree...
317
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,240
We let him stay, we gave him food...
Let him have one more night,
318
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,560
and if he's still there...
319
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,640
One more night, and then in
the morning...
320
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,800
We've said you said one
more night so many times...
321
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,840
And then we can at least...
322
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,400
You pressed send! I didn't press
send. YOU pressed send.
323
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,440
I did not press send.
Well, someone pressed send.
324
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,960
How dare you?!
325
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,280
I'm no liberal, but ejecting
a vagrant at Christmas?
326
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,200
I would never, ever,
stoop so low.
327
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,360
See? Fibbing's easy.
328
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,080
THEY CONTINUE ARGUING
329
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,080
Look, it's done now.
330
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,120
And he's only got himself to blame.
331
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,400
We've been understanding.
Very understanding.
332
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,400
Yeah. He forced our hand. Yeah.
Well, your hand.
333
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,120
Let's not get into that again.
334
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:18,400
Point is, it's been dealt with and
cosy Cooper Christmas is back on.
335
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,360
We can sleep soundly in our...
336
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,440
Did you sleep? Nope. Me neither.
337
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,000
CLEARS THROAT
338
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,240
Mrs Cooper... I'll say it.
339
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,520
There be a field yonder
that does lie fallow.
340
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,160
But it's nice. Is very nice.
341
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,840
Guys, please.
342
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,280
We is proposing that you
and the him one go live on it
343
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,280
and we has the house.
344
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,920
Fine. What?
345
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,960
OK, right, then.
346
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:55,920
We have building stuff
in order of urgency.
347
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,520
Or the walls will fall down.
348
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:01,480
Then we have utilities, because
I assume you want your lights on?
349
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,400
TV licence.
350
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,680
Cos you'd be lost without
Loose Women, Mary. And gas bill.
351
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,640
So... Erm...
352
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,680
It's gone. The other tent.
353
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,880
Ooh.
354
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,360
GENTLE KNOCK
355
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,280
Morning. Oh, very Christmassy.
356
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,800
Just to say I had a friend come
by last night, last minute thing,
357
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,240
quite late. So he stayed over
in the field... in the garden.
358
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,040
But he's gone now. Just in case
you've spotted him
359
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,680
and you were... you know.
360
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,240
And, well, I'll be gone soon too,
I promise.
361
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,840
I'm sorry, it's taken so long.
362
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,120
You know, I've been trying to sort
something out,
363
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,800
but it's a tricky time of year.
364
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,680
Oh, I fixed the outside tap.
365
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,960
There was a drip,
so I wrapped some...
366
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,160
DISTANT VOICES
367
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,640
Some... Are they here for me?
368
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,520
We... thought...
369
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,880
Er, well, if you can't...
370
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,360
No, no, no. I understand.
371
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,160
Nicholas, I...
372
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,200
Uhh.
373
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,800
Well, that's it, then. I mean...
374
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,000
...this is what we wanted, right?
375
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,520
He's gone.
376
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,440
Gone where? To get his reindeer,
of course!
377
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,840
And the presents.
It's Christmas Eve!
378
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,120
I feel bad. I feel bad.
There but for the grace of God...
379
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,800
What can we do? Yeah.
What can we do?
380
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,720
And Simeon is in continual dialogue
with his creditors,
381
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,080
and now that the dyke has been
dammed, I have no doubt at all
382
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,120
that we will bounce back.
383
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,440
But with the banks
refusing us credit,
384
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,480
my hope was that you,
dear sister, might...
385
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,920
Lavinia...
386
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,880
We wish to help, of course.
387
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,480
Money is not the issue.
388
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:16,200
I fear only that were such a loan
to become public knowledge,
389
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:22,760
somehow, the damage to your family
reputation would be irreparable.
390
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:29,520
So, for your benefit entirely,
I'm afraid we must decline.
391
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,080
I understand.
392
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,360
Quite right.
393
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,200
So sorry.
394
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,360
SHE GIBBERS
395
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,360
Are we to be destitute?
396
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:50,760
Cast out on the street
and in such a season!
397
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,520
Lavinia,
398
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,680
may I inquire as to the current
circumstances of young Stephanie?
399
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,960
You see, I have a cousin,
a wealthy family,
400
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,200
who has this somewhat wayward son...
401
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,160
Do you know the Buttons at all?
402
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,760
He's got like a white beard
and looks a lot like... Yeah.
403
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,920
Nick. Used to come round here
from time to time.
404
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,480
Not for ages, though.
Have you tried St Lawrence's?
405
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,600
Yeah. And Millside. Yeah.
406
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,920
Well, if you do see him, could
you give him this, please? Sure.
407
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,520
I mean, if I see him. But people
drop off the radar, you know?
408
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,920
Plenty do need help,
though, this time of the year.
409
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,160
So... It was specifically him
we were...
410
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,320
Nah. It's shot.
The filament's gone.
411
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,560
Perfect timing.
412
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,760
I don't suppose you've got a spare
oven knocking around, by any chance?
413
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,120
Sorry, man. Yeah.
414
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,320
It was a long shot.
No Christmas lunch tomorrow.
415
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,040
Although... What?
416
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,960
Yeah, of course, man.
Yeah, come on in.
417
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,320
Merry Christmas.
418
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,680
Merry Christmas, man.
419
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,200
Hey.
420
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,400
Question 219.
421
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,760
What's Pat's favourite sauce?
422
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,840
Is it gravy? It is gravy, yeah.
423
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,880
Well, it was.
424
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,600
You are a terrible cook!
425
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,720
Hey! Nicholas!
426
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:34,200
I'm so sorry, we're so... I know.
427
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,440
I guess we can all be a bit
quick to judge, eh?
428
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,160
I thought you were rich,
but this place is an absolute...
429
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,320
Well, we're working on it.
Come on, shift over.
430
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,840
There's some gravy there
that needs rescuing.
431
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,880
Ha-ha! Yes, of course.
Parachuting in to save the day!
432
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,480
Take the man out of the Army...
I'll teach you a little trick
433
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,440
I picked up in the Navy. Navy?
Oh, good lord, no.
434
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:56,240
No, Alison, he's not to be trusted.
They're barely even trained.
435
00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:00,280
I mean, it's essentially civilians
with fancy hats.
436
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,200
I don't want to wear it.
I feel... Nicholas! I'm so sorry.
437
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,000
We're so sorry. I know, I know.
Looking good.
438
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,560
Oh, don't. They're grown ups,
it's embarrassing.
439
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,320
Rubbish. They love it.
440
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,520
It's easy for you to say.
Well, what size are the boots?
441
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,320
I'm telling you -
he's in the kitchen.
442
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,280
He's all dressed in red and white...
443
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,680
Oh, Kitty, you dear, sweet thing.
444
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,560
The simple fact is...
445
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,360
Ho, ho, ho!
446
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,360
ALL CHEER
447
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,520
See? He came!
448
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,960
He always does.
449
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,200
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
450
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:44,320
Right. I think we are good, to...
Oh, the Yorkshire puds.
451
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,760
Oh, got it!
452
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,120
Oh, they look great.
453
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,960
Are they enough? Should be.
454
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,760
There's 36 of them
and 23 people so that's...
455
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,160
...everyone gets... 1.5652.
456
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,480
One and a half ish.
457
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,560
Well, then dinner is served.
458
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,160
OK.
459
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,840
It's so exciting. Let's...
Don't fuss, Mother.
460
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,840
This isn't fussing. It's standards!
461
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,120
These people have standards.
462
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,400
I mean, have you seen this place,
Fanny?
463
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,200
They've got a ballroom.
464
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,640
A ballroom!
465
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,680
Chin up, chin up.
Crushing the collar.
466
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,200
Oh, and that's what's important?
467
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,760
Please, just...
468
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,560
Yeah.
469
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,840
I'm not a stuffed dress, Mother.
I have a mind, ambition.
470
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,120
There are other ways out of this.
I could learn, I could help Father.
471
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,680
This is how you can help
your father.
472
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:46,720
This is how you can help us all!
473
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,160
M'ladies... Mr George Button.
474
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,040
Oh, good evening.
Welcome to Button House.
475
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,160
Oh, this one is for you, Humphrey.
476
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,120
Merry Christmas. Oh, thank you!
477
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:04,880
Ha-ha ha!
478
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,400
And click it. Come on!
479
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,120
Click-click!
480
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,160
SNORING
481
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,960
Ah. Asleep on the job, eh?
482
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,760
Typical Navy man.
483
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,840
Who's a good boy? You wouldn't catch
someone in the army doing that.
484
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,000
Who's a good boy? You are. You!
485
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,480
Just getting the tea, Mike.
486
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,840
CLEARS THROAT
487
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,400
Mrs Cooper. Alison.
488
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,640
Given the season,
which is ridiculous anyway,
489
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,560
we've got tree in the front room
and the guy with the beard
490
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,760
come down the chimney...
491
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:45,520
We have decided to gift
the land and house thereon,
492
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,720
to you and the man one,
on a long term loan.
493
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,240
For a period of...
494
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,160
...as long as you likes.
495
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,760
So you're going to give a house
that you don't have,
496
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,120
to the people who already own it?
497
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:02,240
Exactly. OK. Yeah. Deal.
498
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:07,960
THEY SPLUTTER AND RETCH
499
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,040
Pleasure doing business with you.
500
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,120
Well, we showed her! Oh, yes.
501
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,720
Oh, yeah...
502
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:26,120
I-I should have got someone in,
and I think I used the wrong paint
503
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,920
and it's quite hard to...
It doesn't matter.
504
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,000
It's still the same girl underneath.
505
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,440
Right. Last present.
506
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,920
OK, I know, I know you're excited,
Thomas.
507
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,520
But please bear in mind
that I am not a professional.
508
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,120
I hate it. I've seen it,
and I hate it. OK.
509
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,080
And I know I shouldn't have looked,
but I did.
510
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,800
And now I can't unsee it,
because it's the worst thing
511
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,160
I've ever seen!
Not just the worst painting,
512
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,240
but the worst conceivable thing
and I cannot pretend otherwise,
513
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,200
as I just respect you too damn much,
Alison!
514
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,960
Right. I see.
515
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:11,160
I wish you'd said before
I did the finishing touches.
516
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,760
Wait! It's brilliant! OK, yeah.
Don't patronise me.
517
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,120
No, no, no, no, no.
Now that it's complete.
518
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,520
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've said your piece.
519
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,000
So I'll just... I'll make sure
it never sees the light of day.
520
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,200
But, but...
521
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:30,800
Ooh!
522
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,280
ALL: Oooh!
523
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,640
Merry Christmas to me!
524
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,800
CONVERSATION CONTINUES
525
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,120
Right!
Time for the Christmas quiz!
526
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,720
ALL GROAN
527
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,320
Oh, come on, guys.
528
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,160
Oh, shush, shush, shush. Come on,
it's Christmas Day.
529
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,080
Yes! Yes!
530
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,360
Question one.
531
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,560
One of us in this room
has a third nipple.
532
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,760
A, who is it?
And B, where is it?
533
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,960
Oh, no! Well, I don't want to know!
63184
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