All language subtitles for JZnACVk9pVw3WjxHeSsupSsS0q7pYirwjufphTp5YaaMGSbDguifFmIUqeKLeX4iqSL6EdcqEBdojzo5dpJ-S3P4TPtfStCr-L8SppFlddo

I mean,
she's straight-up
stalking me.

She lives in the bushes
outside my apartment
in Queens.

She's like horny
Harriet the Spy.

And my mom lives there.
She's freaking her out.

-I mean, I get it. I'm hot.
-Che: Yeah, you are.

I can barely keep my pants on.
I wanna jump over this table,

and ride you like
a motherfuckin' Citi Bike.

And by that,
I mean, after I come,

-I wanna dump you
on 14th street.
-I'm telling you, dude.

-She will not stop calling me.
-Carrie: Well,

maybe she wants
her credit card back.

-(Jackie laughing)
-Boom! C Bradshaw with a slam!

Nah, she's not old enough
to qualify for credit yet.

Recording:
Trigger warning!

Che: Talking about sex with
a minor is never acceptable,

-especially if the joke's
as lame as that one!
-(laughing)

Uh, Che, listen,
I wanna, I wanna circle
back to something you

-said earlier that
I'm personally triggered by.
-Sure, what?

-Citi Bike.
-Me too, Carrie.

-Oh, Miss Sis is on fire today.
-(laughing)

I love it when you
bring your pussy in,
are you kidding?

Thank you so much!
Soft pussy...

(upbeat music playing)

-Hey, nice job today.
-Oh, thanks. Yeah.

I got a few zingers in.

Oof, if you
weren't in mourning,

I'd do 20 minutes
on you saying "zingers."

Oh, well, phew.

Thank god my husband died.

How're you holdin' up?

You know, it's been, uh,

it's been a rough few weeks.

-Yeah...
-But just keep reminding myself

that at least
we were happy...
at the end.

Never been happier.

God, doesn't that
make it sadder?

Oddly, no.
No, it, um...

it helps.

It's happy sad.

Wow, that's an amazing
way of looking at it.

Anyway, that's what
I'm clinging to, so...

I'll see you at your
Netflix taping Friday.

Oh no, dude, you don't
have to come to that.
It's--

You came to my funeral,

I'm coming to your comedy show.

Besides, I could
use a few zingers.

Oh!
(chuckles)

I listened to
the podcast yesterday.

-Really? I'm shocked.
-I never said never.

-Mm.
-It's a nice blend
of polemics and farts.

Oh, thanks.
Remind me to never ask
you to blurb my books.

And Che is funny.

Oh, good.
I'm glad you think so
because you're coming

with me to their comedy
concert Friday night.

-I am?!
-Carrie: Mm-hm.

Oh, great!

You seem a little
better today.

Well, I feel like I'm in the,
I'm in the home stretch.

The whole death trifecta.

-What's that trifecta?
-Oh, uh, it's the awful night,

funeral, and now,
the reading of the will.

And then,
we get to have lunch.

-I'm thinking I might
even eat today.
-Good!

That's progress.

-That's my story
and I'm stickin' to it.
-(Miranda laughs)

Estate Lawyer:
He will continue his
annual legacy gifts

to Memorial Sloan Kettering,

New York
Public Theater,

and Preservation Hall
in New Orleans.

-He loved his jazz.
-(intercom beeps)

Assistant (on intercom):
Norman, it's your wife again.

I said hold all calls.
Thank you.

-Where were we?
-Not taking your wife's calls.

Sorry... we had a fight.

(phone ringing)

And now,
she's on my Apple Watch.
I better take this.

I'm in the maison du chien.

That's "dog house"
in pompous ass.

Do you wanna keep talking
or do you wanna hear
my side of it?

-God, Gloria...
-Yes, oh, I know, I know.

You've got a lunch, honey,
I know. Okay, so...

-Oh, hello there!
-Stanford! Hi!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I came for lunch.

Carrie invited me.

-Oh...
-Why? Is that a problem?

No, no, of course not.

It's just I reserved
a table for three.

Oh, I don't think
that'll be an issue.

Three-top is
always a four-top.

-Mm, no, no, it isn't.
-Trust me.

I know from when
I used to work at Odeon.

A three-top is
always a four-top.

There is no way you
ever waited tables.

Oh, I was a host back
in the go-go cocaine '80s.

How else do you think
I know Bret Easton Ellis?

Okay, whatever.

It's just it was very
hard to find a place

that Carrie had not
been to with either
Big or Samantha,

so I don't wanna be difficult.

Hm...

Okay, well, this has
been building for years,

so I'm just
gonna say it...

You think I'm not part
of the "inner circle."

That, that, that's right.

My therapist thinks it's
because you're threatened

by my relationship
with Carrie.

You've been talking
about me in therapy?

You've come up.
Gimlet!

Because all you have
to do is walk-- Yeah...

-Jesus Christ.
-Gloria: Okay,

we're up to the last gift.

"I hereby make a bequest
in the amount

of one million dollars to--"

Uh, Miranda?

Do you wanna help me here?

Why?
What's the, uh--

Here it is.
One million dollars to--

What's all the drama?
What's the charity?

(mysterious music plays)

-Natasha?
-His ex-wife.

-What is this?
-I knew nothing about it.

In my experience,
when people have
unfinished business,

they tend to throw
money at it.
Yes, I'm still here.

Gloria:
Norman, get off
the damned phone.

Carrie:
I was doing well.

-Wasn't I doing well
before this?
-Yes, you were.

-Remarkably well.
-I was very impressed.

I mean, I was doing the podcast,
I was washing my hair--

I mean, yes, I wasn't
eating or sleeping,

but at least I felt
good about my marriage,

and now, I'm just
one of the wives

-he was taking care of.
-Ow!

-Worst four-top ever.
-I had a much better table.

-Let it go, Charlotte.
-All right, you know what, here,
I-I'll switch seats with you.

I'm used to getting
slammed from behind.

No, nobody is
switching seats.
Hi!

Uh, could you be more careful?
You keep hitting his seat.

-And can I get another Cabernet?
-And what is she doing

-in his will?
-That's the million
dollar question.

Yeah, a million dollars.
Hello?

Everyone, calm down.

After taxes,
it's really only 450,000.

Which is a shit-ton
of money!

On top of what I'm sure
was a very generous
divorce settlement, right?

All right, you know what,
it's not even about the money.

It really isn't.
I would be just as upset

if I, if I found out
that he left her $10.
But just--

Why is she in there at all?

Well, he did
destroy her life.

Charlotte:
He did not destroy her life.

-I saw her at Bergdorf
pre-pandemic.
-How did she look?

Like someone whose life
was not destroyed.

Well, fuck her perfect,
not-destroyed life,

and her pre-tax
million dollars.

Carrie:
Okay, first of all, no.

We're not doing that.
She didn't do anything wrong.

I'm the one who
had the affair...

-with her husband.
-He was with you first,

so really,
she cheated on you

before you cheated on her.

-God, you're a good friend.
-Seriously, where is my wine?

And why did he
keep it a secret?

He didn't even tell Gloria,
and she knew his blood type.

Do not let this eat you up!

You and Big
were the happiest
couple I know.

Sorry, no offense.

-None taken.
-It's okay.

Oh yeah,
well, thanks.

I thought we
were good, too,

but then, why was
he still thinking

about her after all this time?

And what was their
unfinished business?

I just can't believe it.

Big's gone and Natasha's back.

Did you even know
they were in touch?

-Who said they were in touch?
-Or not...

-Ow!
-You deserved that one.

(light music playing)

♪ ♪

(grunts)

Charlotte:
"Alexandra heaved
a sigh of relief,

"pleased that things
were going well

"with at least
one of my parents.

"On the other hand,
Mom wasn't as easy a sell.

She fixed--"
Ooh!

Could you just scooch over
a little bit, baby girl?

-I'm fallin' off the bed here.
-Mm.

I hate it when
you call me that.

Well, you are my baby,

and you will always be
my baby no matter
how big you get.

I'm not talking
about the baby part.

I'm talking about
the girl part.

What do you mean?

I don't feel like a girl.

Oh...

Well...

Sometimes, I don't
feel like a girl either.

Lily? Sometimes, you don't
feel like a girl, right?

Well, I never
feel like a girl.

-Ah!
-(thud)

Charlotte: I'm fine!

(speaking French)

-What's in this bowl here?
-Those are chia seeds.

They're loaded
with antioxidants.

-Oh. cool.
-Mom, is this all
the malt balls left?

Yes, use a scoop!

I don't know where
those hands have been.

Is it a bad idea
to let them have
sex in the house?

Why?
Do you have a time machine?

You know, whole milk
is actually healthier
than low-fat,

especially for aging bones.

-Excuse me?
-No offense!

I mean, I'm aging, too.

Kinda the definition
of being alive.

(giggles)

Did we accidentally
adopt her?

Steve:
I don't know.

(movie continues)

(clicking necklace)

♪ ♪

(mysterious music plays)

(mysterious music playing)

-(phone ringing)
-Oh!

-(ringing stops)
-Carrie (on both phones):
Hello?

(on both phones):
Go to sleep.

♪ ♪

Anthony:
Ma'am, we delivered
two baguettes

and one sourdough loaf.
What's the problem?

What do you mean your
delivery boy wasn't hot?

He was smokin' hot!

And no, hot is
not subjective.

You're either hot
or you're not.
Thank you!

Jesus, this city!

This place is awesome,
Uncle Anthony.

Well, don't get
too attached.
It's a rental.

We have to be
outta here at 5 o'clock.

That's when the bitchy
vegans take over.

Who would've thought

all of this came
from one stinky

little sourdough starter
in your kitchen?

Well, when they shut down
all the gyms during the COVID,

I had to find a different
kind of handjob to keep me busy.

What's a handjob?

It's a job that you
do with your hands,
like you're doing now!

And speakin'
of smelly, pee-ew.

And I say this with love,

less skateboard,
more deodorant.

Yes, I'm lookin' at you,
little girl!

Um, ahem, Anthony,

could you just
come on out here,

and just talk to me about
these different kitchens

that are down the hall?

Oh, come on.
She knows I love her,

and she needs
to hear this stuff.

It's not about that.

Last night, Rose told me

that she does not wanna
be called a girl anymore.

Doesn't feel like a girl.

Uh-huh.
She's a kid. Ignore it.

I'm her mother,
I can't ignore it.

-Says who?
-Everyone.

Well, fuck everyone!

When she was six,
she told you she was a dog.

Is she a dog now? No.

But I can't just ignore this.

And when she was six,
I put down a bowl of water

on the floor for a week.

You're too indulgent.

Charlotte:
So...

you don't think that
this is something?

Well, who knows?

When I was little,
I wanted to be Tinkerbell.

Did my mother cut holes
in my school blazer

for my wings? No.

-But maybe she should have.
-And what?

I would've grown up
to be a fairy?

Don't answer that.
It's too easy.

But I'm just confused
about how to handle this,

and I wanna do
the right thing.

And you will,
when and if
the time comes,

and I will be there
with you and Rose
every step of the way.

But right now, she's just
a little sourdough starter.

Who knows what
she's gonna grow into?

So relax... and get
her some deodorant.

Nope... Saw it... Crap...

Get outta here...

-Miranda: Okay!
-Huh?

Um, I'm almost ready.

Uh, do you want
the frozen blueberries
and the chia seeds,

or are you off those now?

Chia seeds are bullshit.

I had one stuck
in my teeth all day.

-So, what are we watchin'?
-Um...

I was thinking
maybe that Danish show

that everyone says is
confusing but worth it.

(phone ringing)

Hi. Everything okay?

Did you know Big
had a dog named Gogie?

I did not. Why?

It's the prelude to why
I went crazy today.

I'm gonna need some context.

Well, I was going
through his stuff,

and the single photo
I found in his wallet

is of a dog he
never even mentioned.

Oh! And a Pinkberry punch card.

Not once in my life
did I see that man

eat a Pinkberry,
or use a punch card,

so what else don't I know?

-You sound a little wired.
-Oh, I am.

I've been spiraling all day
about him and Natasha,

and I decided that the only way

-to rid myself
of this feeling--
-What feeling?

That there was something
that I didn't know.

-So I decided...
-Mm-hm.

that the best way for me
to just move past this

is to look Natasha
in the eye, and just...

have a grown-up conversation.

-So, I emailed her.
-Y-- Wait, y-you, you did?

Yep, I sure did,
and it wasn't easy.

The first email that
I sent bounced back

because, apparently, she
took some highfalutin job

at Mina Minetti, which is,

if you can wrap
your brain around this,

a higher-end
Brunello Cucinelli.

These words mean
nothing to me,

but now I want pasta.

Carrie:
It's a cashmere company.

The sixth stage
of grief is stalking...

just, you know,
in case you were curious.

-That's good to know.
-So, I emailed her at, um...

I'll tell you exactly.

At approximately--

Yep. 1:40 today and nothing.

Nothing. Not a word.
What kind of person

doesn't respond
to a grieving wife?

Miranda: A busy one.
It's only been a few hours.

-Carrie, did you get any
sleep at all last night?
- No, of course not.

He should've given her
the apartment, too...

(sighs)
'cause I can't sleep
in here anymore.

It's haunted.

Him, her.

-Gogie.
-Pinkberry.

Hello?! You comin'?
I'm about to be asleep.

Carrie: Oh, wait a minute.
I just found her on Instagram.

Oh my god, okay, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna DM her in case
she didn't get my email.

I say we give her another day.
I think it's, it's fine that you

-emailed her. I think--
-Too late, I just did it.

Oh shit...
Now I'm scared.

Don't be scared.
You, you just lost your husband.

She's a human being.
She's gonna respond
with compassion.

You're right.
What am I afraid of?

Big's dead.
The worst that can
happen already happened.

Oh my god, she just
blocked me on Instagram!

Okay, she's a fucking bitch.

Carrie:
Tried to do this
the dignified way.

Said the woman
hiding in an SUV
with tinted windows.

Well, she left me
no choice.

She blocked me on Instagram,
I can't reach her through email.

I need to somehow
have this conversation...

so I can put an end
to the spiraling.

I will put an end
to the spiraling.

Big loved you.
You were happy.

-There is nothing
you don't know.
-Oh really?

-Who is that?
-Gogie.

Big's dog...
Another bitch I knew
nothin' about.

-Carrie, you're acting crazy.
-I sure hope so!

I really, really hope

that when I am
sitting across from her,

I feel insane for doing this.

Okay, let's say
they were in touch.

What's your worst fear?

Oh my god, I don't know
where to begin.

That he regretted
choosing me over her?

He didn't.

That she had
an affair with him

to get back at me
for what I did.

-She didn't!
-Charlotte, you can't
tell me that.

Only one person
can tell me that.

It's her!

(intense music plays)

She's wearing flats.

That is the most desperate
put-down I've ever heard.

You're gonna be just fine.

We're gonna be at the Starbucks

-on the corner waiting for you.
-Okay.

You look fantastic!

Oh, thanks.
I've been dressed
since 5:03.

-Hi.
-Hello. I'm here
to see Natasha Mills.

Carrie Bradshaw. Preston.

-She knows me.
-Okay. Um, I will try her.

(typing)

You-you can just have a seat.

Okay, thank you.

(music plays)

I wonder what's
keeping Carrie?

I mean, how long
could it take to drag
a lifeless Natasha

into a service elevator?

-What?
-I'm sorry.

I'm watching too many
streaming series.

(laughs)

-You want a muffin?
-No, thanks.

-Okay.
-My phone is about to die.

You don't have
a charger on you,
do you?

Oh yeah.
(grunts)

-Somewhere in here.
-(chuckles) Okay.

Miranda:
Hi. Can I get
a blueberry muffin?

Thank you.

-Here you are.
-Thanks so much.

(sighs)
Thank you.

-Okay... you're eating
half of this.
-Okay.

So, lotta textbooks in there.

Is it stressful
being a student again?

Now that I know
everyone's pronouns, no.

You-you and Steve,
h-h-how are things?

The same.

You know,
the other day at lunch,

when you said
that Carrie and Big

were the happiest
couple you know,

I thought, are Steve and I
even a couple anymore?

I mean, no sex...
for years.

-Still, for years?
-Years!

And I don't think either one
of us even thinks about it.

The only thing that
we're passionate about
is our dessert ritual.

Are we a couple,
or just roommates

with ice cream and a kid?

If we didn't have Brady,
what would we talk about?
Chia seeds?

Ms. Bradshaw?

I'm Amber, Natasha's assistant.
So sorry to keep you waiting.

I was just informed
you were out here.

Unfortunately, Natasha
is unavailable today.

She's in Rome.

Have a nice day.

(animated music plays)

♪ ♪

(muttering to herself)

Uh-oh.

-So how'd it go?
-What happened?

She's in "Rome."

-Rome?
-She's what?

How dare she?
She's not in Rome!

She's in that building
right there, three floors up.

-One, two, three--
-(all gasp)

(gasps) Oh my god.
It's her, it's her.

Oh my god! Ah!

(all yelling, swearing)

♪ ♪

Carrie:
Oh shit.

-Charlotte: Sorry, sorry.
-Miranda: Ow! My knees!

Oh, this is why
I gave up running.

I was pointing at her.

(laughs)
This is so bad,
it's almost funny.

No, not funny.

I have never been
so humiliated,

and I've been humiliated
a lot in front of that woman.

She is the one who should
be humiliated, not you!

You caught her in a lie.

And she caught me in the truth.

Oh... Oh...

-Carrie...
-Charlotte: Aw!

(phone ringing)

Hi. What're you
doing up so early?

Carrie:
Oh, I'm in Central Park,
walking.

It's amazing what you
learn about our city
when you don't sleep.

For instance,
were you aware that
thousands of people jog

every morning at 6 AM,
and everyone has a dog.

I did know that.

So, you didn't sleep again?

Carrie: (laughs)
That's hilarious, sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes,
I saw Natasha up on her throne,

looking down at me.

-(urinating)
-Harry!

I'm on the phone here!

This is the bathroom!
I think I have the right of way.

No, no, I can let you go.
I just wanted to tell
you about tonight.

Um, Miranda's gonna
meet us at Che's taping,

-so I'll pick you up at 8, okay?
-Charlotte: Got it.

-Where ya headed now?
-Carrie: Oh, who knows?

Think I'll follow this
basset hound here...

see where she takes me, hm!

Charlotte:
Okay, bye. I love you.

(urinating)

Still? You're still peeing?

A lotta men my age can't
pull off a stream like this.

Count your blessings.

(urinating continues)

-Oh! Here I am!
-Hey!

I see you.

You're the only 55-year-old
sitting on the university steps.

-And now, there are two of us.
-(laughing)

You know, when I got
your text on the subway,

-I thought your phone
had been hacked.
-Hm.

You really walked
all this way?
In those shoes?!

These are my sneakers.

How much time do you have?

Uh, for you,
all the time in the world,

but I have class
in 12 minutes,
so start talking.

Okay, well,
I guess the headline is,
"I can't stop walking."

It's the only
thing that helps,
and it's not helping.

I guess all that
moving around is better
than sitting still,

and feeling...
whatever it is you're
not wanting to feel.

-And what would that be?
-You tell me.

(sighs)

I'm really mad at Big.

I almost forgot
how I used to feel
all those years ago.

You know, so nervous,
and insecure, and desperate.

You know, like what
we had wasn't enough.

Like I wasn't enough.

And I just hate that
after all the good years,

this is what
I'm left with.

He ruined our happy sad ending.

-Thank you.
-For what?

For not arguing with me,
trying to make me feel better.

Me? Argue?

I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

Charlotte:
Go, go. Go.

Go, go, go. Go.

Hey!
I just stopped by your place.
Where are you?

Oh, still walking.
I'm now in a very exotic place

called the Upper West Side.

82nd and Amsterdam,
but unlike the other Amsterdam,

no tulips or wooden shoes.

Still walking?
I am worried about you.

Well, you should be.
I'm a mess.

-You're not a mess, Carrie.
You're just--
-Charlotte, Charlotte.

You have to let
me say I'm a mess.

-Okay.
-I mean,
I appreciate it, I do,

but nobody can
make me feel better.

I have to get there myself,

which is gonna take a hell
of a lot more walking,

but first, I have to pee.

So, I'm gonna go
in this little shop here,

and I'm gonna buy a coffee,

so I can use
their bathroom,
and not feel bad.

Oh, and then,
I'm gonna have to pee again

-in Chelsea.
-Got it.

-It's a vicious cycle.
-I understand. I love you.

Mr. Burton, come!
Come, come, come, come!

-Someone's in here!
-Oh my god! Sor--

-Ah!
-Oh my god!

(screams)

Ouch!
(gasps)

At a coffee shop?
At my job?

Where are you gonna hunt
me down next, Carrie?

In the showers at Equinox?

I swear, this was
a total coincidence.

I never imagined
in a million years
you'd be all the way up here.

This isn't even
your neighborhood.

Yes, I also know
where you live.

What do you
want from me?

What the fuck do
you want from me?!

Carrie:
Um...

I'm not really sure anymore.

But since
you're here,

do you think maybe we could
just talk, just for a minute?

I don't have a minute.

No, I am not doing this.

I cannot think
about you anymore!

I am done
thinking about you!

I've already given you
more minutes of my life
than you ever deserved!

Yes, you have. I agree.

That...

The burn looks bad.

Carrie:
No, it's fine.

It doesn't look fine.
You should ice it.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

(sighs)

My son has...

low blood sugar,
so I have to make sure I...

carry something around
with me at all times.

-You have a son?
-Mm.

Two, actually.

Just dropped
them at Trinity,
right up here.

But you already
know that, don't you?

Actually, I didn't.

Thank you.

(sighs)

If this is about the will...

I've already told
my lawyers I will
not accept it.

Give it to charity.

Why did he leave
it to me anyway?

I haven't spoken
to him since the divorce.

So, neither of us knows?

'Cause I just found out
at the will reading.

Oh...

Well, that must've been...
hard.

(sighs)

Classic John.
Just always a puzzle.

At least with me.

I'll never understand
why he ever married me

when he was always
in love with you.

How's the burn?

It's... It's better.

Well, I am late,
so I should go.

I really am sorry
for your loss.

Thank you for that...

and for the ice.

And for whatever it's worth,

I think the money was his way

of saying that he was sorry.

You know,
he was a finance guy.

He's not--

wasn't great with words.

Agreed.

And I'm sorry as well.

Oh god, for everything.

I appreciate that...

but we're okay.
It's all in the past.

But, maybe, we shouldn't

follow each other on Instagram.

100%. Totally agree.

(sighs)

(light music playing)

(cheers and applause)

Che:
Ohh, yeah, so...

I've dated a lot in my life.

-I've dated men--
-(audience boos)

-I've dated women--
-(audience cheers)

I've dated...

men who actually know
how to please a woman.

-He was nice.
-Woo!

Umm, I've dated...

pretty much everyone in here.
Cheer if I fucked you.

(audience cheers)

-Cheer if you fucked me.
-(audience cheers)

Oh... cheer if you
want me to fuck you.

(audience cheers)

(Che laughs)

When you said
VIP seats,

I assumed there'd
actually be seats.

You know, a lot of people
have no idea how to process

gender individuality,
and that is because

every time we are represented
in mainstream media,

we have to be from some
other galaxy... right?

Or like some super
skinny model.

Or like, uh,
an ethereal magical elf

with an ethereal magical
elf septum nose ring.

(audience laughing)

Oh, and check it out!

When we are earthbound,

we are always
at a murder scene...

never at a birthday party.

Oh, and...

there's always only one of us.

Never with a friend.

Just one sad
nonbinary character,

or just one sad...

trans character just wandering.

"I'm so sad and alone."

"I'm so sad--"
Look...

It's okay to be sad
and alone, all right?

There's plenty to be sad about,

but I have got news
for those motherfuckers,

I'm not always sad!

(audience cheers)

I laugh.
I laugh all the fuckin' time.

(Che laughs)

And I'm not always alone.

I have community,
I have allies,

-I have friends--
-(audience cheers)

Listen, put our real asses
on TV, okay? All right?

We are gonna smell like
pot when we get home.

How am I gonna
explain this to my kids?

How am I gonna explain
this to my doorman?

-You're missing it!
-Che: I think the world
can handle it.

And I know this because
my own family handled it.

Half-Mexican, half-Irish,
all Catholic.

That is... That is
a lotta rice and beads.

The Thanksgiving
I came out to my family,

I stood up in the living room,
and I was like...

"Family...

"I love you!

"And I just want you to know...

"that I am queer...

"and nonbinary...

and bisexual."

(Che exhales)

(audience snapping)

And they were like,
"That's nice. Can you move?
You're blocking the game."

-(audience laughs)
-Yay! Move.

And I was like, "Oh shit!

"Oh shit! That's it?!

I set aside four hours
for this, but okay."

-(audience laughs)
-"Alright."

(Che laughs)

Seriously, I fuckin' lucked
out with my family, dudes.

My family fuckin' loves me!

-(audience cheers)
-Loves me!

My family is all love
and all acceptance,

just don't block
the fucking game.

(all laughing)

And just because
my family loves me...

does not mean that
they're not confused, okay?

(laughs)
I am like an episode of
"Unsolved Mysteries."

They're so confused.

Okay? Yeah.
(laughs)

I don't know, I think
we all are these days.

You know? It's like,
"Oh, he, she, they, them.

Ooh, please tell me
which box to check!"

-(audience laughs)
-But you know what I say?

I say better to be
confused than to be sure.

-Because-- Right?
-(audience cheers)

Right?

Because when you're sure,
then nothin' can change.

And we all have somethin'
we need to change.

I mean, some of us
have something we
really need to change,

and so, change!
Do it!

-Change it!
-(audience cheers)

Change that shit up!

You're not happy
with who you are?

Step outta that box
and change it!

Change!

Change your address,
change your job,

change your, change your mind.

Change your gender.

Change your shirt.

No, really, man.
Change your shirt.

Banana Republic
hasn't sold that shirt

in like five years.

So, I just wanna say

to all those people out there
who are so fuckin' sure,

all those people who make TV,

and who write
for newspapers
and magazines,

and who run news shows,
and everyone who wants us
to be alone and sad?

I just wanna say,
suck my dick.

(audience cheers)

Actually, I don't have a dick.
If I did, I would've had
this special five years ago.

Good night, America!

("I Am America" by
Shea Diamond playing)

♪ Baby, I am America ♪

♪ I'm a stranger
just like you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby, I am America ♪

♪ You been beggin'
for the truth ♪

Wow... Wow!

-It's good, right?
-Ah!

I just, uh, I have
to go backstage,

say a quick hi,
and then we can go.

But we--
Wh-wh-what about
the after party?

We have
the VIP bracelets.

Yeah, no.

♪ Crystal clear ♪

Carrie:
It says Hector is approaching.

Charlotte:
Hi, Rose, honey.

I just wanted
to hear your voice...

and make sure that you
know how much I love you.

(laughs)
No, that's it.

Yes, you can go back
to your Mario Kart.

-Yep, this is us, Charlotte.
-Okay. Bye, sweetie.

Hi! Yep.
You sure? You're okay?

-You don't want us
to wait with you?
-Totally!

My car is gonna be
here in two minutes.

-Okay.
-Get home safe.

Thanks again.
So much fun.

-Woo!
-Love you.

-Thank you for coming.
-I love it.

-Love you, too.
-Hello!

Hector, you
really brought it.

I did not order
this big car.

(all saying goodbye)

(blows kisses)

Whoo!
I love my life!

Come on, you guys!

("Hold On" by
Alabama Shakes playing)

♪ Yeah, you got to hold on ♪

♪ Yeah, you got to wait ♪

♪ Yeah, you got to wait ♪

-Rambo!
-(laughs)

Carrie said that you
were all heading home.

Well, I was,

but I kept hearing
your voice in my head

saying, "Change."

I am just like
this little robot

going to my house
every night.

Eh, would it kill me
to mix things up
a little bit?

What you said
is so true, though.

Change is hard.

Bodies at rest
remain at rest.

Bodies in motion
remain in motion.

You're totally right!

Yeah, I definitely
didn't say that last part.

No, no!
That's, uh, um,
Sir Isaac Newton.

It's on the side of one
of my water bottles.

You were so
amazing up there.

Amazing!
You are like
a comedy prophet.

(coughs)
Oh shit.

Okay, do me a favor.

Stop talking...

and just breathe.

Okay.

But could I just
say one more thing?

I think you
could use some weed.

Oh, wow, no.
I don't, I don't think so.

I w-- I was never
good at that.

And things that
I'm not good at,
I, I tend to abandon.

Mm...

Do you mind if I shotgun you?

Is that where you blow the--

Okay.

♪ You got to hold on ♪

♪ You got to hold on ♪

♪ You got to hold on ♪

♪ You got to hold on ♪

-How was that for you?
-Perfect.

Loud.
Giant pause button
on current events.

I'm glad.

Could I talk to you
about something that's
been on my mind?

Um, yes, I think so.

It's about Miranda
and her drinking.

I'm-- I know she
has a lot going on,

but... I think
she has a problem.

God, really?

I mean, aren't we all
just drinking too much

'cause there's a lot
to drink about lately.

In fact, if we're gonna
have this conversation,
I'm gonna need a drink.

This is different.

Yesterday, I found
three tiny Tito's bottles
in her backpack, empty.

Three tiny Tito's bottles.
That is weird.

Well, maybe, she was having
a tiny party in her backpack.

And, tonight,
before the show

I noticed she had
two glasses of wine.

Okay, could you
stop noticing things.

(light music playing)

Carrie: This is good.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Mrs. Preston...
Are you coming in?

Actually, Joe, I think
I'm gonna take a little walk.

Very good, ma'am.

♪ ♪

Carrie:
And just like that...

I walked myself home.

("I Can See the Change"
by Celeste playing)

♪ I can see the change ♪

♪ Come what may,
I won't regret today ♪

♪ No, it's not for me anymore ♪

♪ No, it's not for me ♪

♪ Anymore, anymore ♪

♪ I can see the change ♪

♪ Better than
I ever could before ♪

♪ I am what remains ♪

♪ Different in the same
frame that I was ♪

♪ No, it's not for me anymore ♪

♪ No, it's not
for me anymore ♪

♪ No, it's not for me ♪

♪ Anymore, anymore ♪

♪ ♪