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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,748
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:17,999
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,353
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ ♪
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Hey, kids, don't be left out
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00:00:37,279 --> 00:00:39,263
this Christmas--top your wish list with
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00:00:39,281 --> 00:00:42,357
the toy of the season,Happy Asking Panda!
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00:00:43,285 --> 00:00:45,210
Made in China,Happy Asking Panda has
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00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:46,937
many questions for you.
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00:00:47,030 --> 00:00:48,455
What is your favorite color?
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00:00:48,607 --> 00:00:50,549
What is your parents'political affiliation?
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00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,201
What is your approximatehousehold income?
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All of these questionsand so many more!
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His eyes light upwhen he's happy,
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or when credit cards areheld in front of him!
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Hold Happy Asking Pandaover the keyboard
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00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:06,214
while entering passwordsand watch him dance.
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I love you, Happy Asking Panda!
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Upload complete!
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Order today and it will arrive
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for happy American Christmasand time of wonder.
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I must.
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Have. That. Toy.
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What, are you serious?
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Of course I'm serious,
I'm a child
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and I just saw a commercial!
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00:01:27,070 --> 00:01:28,161
Or maybe you don't want me
to have
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a happy American Christmas.
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Of course I do.
But do you really not
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see that you're crassly
manifesting
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00:01:33,502 --> 00:01:36,428
the very consumerism on
which Christmas is built?
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00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,414
Chris, can you please
put the dog out?
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Yes, sir!
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Thank you, Chris.
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00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:45,604
Hey!
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It's very cold out here.
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Okay, everyone, time to leave
for the traditional
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town tree lighting ceremony.
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00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,094
What's happening now?
I can't hear her.
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Sweet. Tree lighting.
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Guess that means it's showtime.
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Wait, what is this?
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Oh, nothing.
50
00:02:00,346 --> 00:02:01,436
Just my own tradition
51
00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:03,363
of putting
four dozen hard-boiled eggs
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in a Kroger bag and passing
them out at the tree lighting.
53
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,276
Okay, we get it, Meg,
you're dark and different.
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00:02:08,370 --> 00:02:10,871
Wow, Meg really is
dark and different.
55
00:02:11,023 --> 00:02:12,947
Yeah, they call me
"Meg the Egg."
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'Cause of my big bag of eggs.
57
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I hope you guys
don't start calling me that,
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00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,453
but you can if you want to.
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00:02:18,547 --> 00:02:20,288
Oh, is this
the "Meg the Egg" thing?
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Yeah, no one's
on board with that.
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00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,984
Whoa, Quahog!
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Whoa, there! Whoa!
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Whoa.
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Welcome, one and all,
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to the annual
tree lighting ceremony.
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All right, Meg the Egg!
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Huevo me!
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Mmm, perfect yolks this year.
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Four and a half minutes.
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Now, don't you worry, y'all will
have a chance to line up
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and meet Santy and let him
know what dry goods you need.
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00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,734
And right here
in front of City Hall,
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00:02:57,827 --> 00:03:00,921
I'm placing this wooden nativity
scene that I whittled myself
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00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:03,348
from a beech tree
what was rat-tailed
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00:03:03,575 --> 00:03:07,686
by lightning in the recent
meteorological electricities.
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00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,174
Oh, great, just what we need.
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A religious display
on government property.
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00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:18,255
Can't believe this is what
my tax dollars are paying for.
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00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:21,015
Last I heard, you
never paid taxes in your life.
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00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,202
Only 'cause I've never made
enough money! Ha!
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00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:25,946
Brian, I can laugh
at a lot of things,
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but Jesus Christ is
not two of them.
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00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:31,025
Yeah, come on, Brian,
it's Christmas.
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Have an egg.
Enjoy yourself.
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00:03:33,530 --> 00:03:36,106
Okay, now to light
the Christmas tree
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by telling this child's toy
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00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,034
my mother's maiden name.
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00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,679
Abernathy.
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00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:48,727
Yay!
Very holiday data information!
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00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,790
I guess Santa's
getting ready to rack up
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00:03:53,809 --> 00:03:55,809
those frequent flyer miles, huh?
92
00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:57,753
Yeah, we all read
your tweets, Joe.
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00:03:57,755 --> 00:03:59,238
Smash that "like" button.
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00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:02,032
Hey, check it out, Peter,
it's Ebenezer Pooch.
95
00:04:03,986 --> 00:04:05,893
We should mess with him
by putting only
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00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,579
Christmas songs on the jukebox.
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00:04:07,806 --> 00:04:09,473
Cleveland, I got just the song.
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00:04:11,159 --> 00:04:13,085
♪ Life is a highway ♪
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00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:15,087
♪ I want to ride it... ♪
100
00:04:15,314 --> 00:04:16,904
Wait, what the hell is this?
101
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,407
Only the best
Christmas song ever.
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00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:21,760
I tell you, no matter
when I hear this baby,
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00:04:21,911 --> 00:04:23,820
I start smelling pine.
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00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:25,413
Joe, this is not a holiday song.
105
00:04:25,507 --> 00:04:27,248
He never once
mentions Christmas!
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00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,509
No, it's about Santa.
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All night long.
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00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:34,164
On the highway...
delivering presents.
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00:04:34,182 --> 00:04:36,016
The video takes place
in a field!
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00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,276
In what is clearly summer!
111
00:04:37,427 --> 00:04:39,260
Quagmire,
many parts of the world are
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00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,779
arid during the holy season.
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00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,948
Including where Jesus was born.
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00:04:43,175 --> 00:04:44,858
Or perhaps
the singer's Australian.
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00:04:45,010 --> 00:04:45,951
He's not Australian!
116
00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:48,120
He name-checks Vancouver
in the song!
117
00:04:48,347 --> 00:04:51,031
A guy from Australia can't
know where Vancouver is?
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00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,624
Feels kind of racist.
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00:04:52,776 --> 00:04:54,126
Mm-hmm.
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00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:56,369
Damn it, Joe! We're supposed
to be annoying Brian!
121
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,704
Not this!
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00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,872
Oh, okay, I get it.
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00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,690
Everybody pile on the one person
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00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:03,318
who actually sees the truth
about Christmas.
125
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,545
You know, you guys know all--
what this holiday
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00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,956
is all about, right?
It's all about this.
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00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,475
The world's smallest violin?
128
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:11,959
A scrotal massage?
129
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,145
"Ah, just like
in the old country"?
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00:05:13,296 --> 00:05:15,872
We're more word people
than gesture people.
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No! Money!
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00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,633
It's all about money!
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00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,819
Is Christmas really so awful?
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00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:23,655
I don't know, I-I just--
I can't stand how everyone buys
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into this annual mass hypnosis.
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00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:29,736
I mean, like, do not even get me
started on Christmas caroling.
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00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,978
No, go ahead. I'm listening.
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00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,313
No, that's-that's what I mean.
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00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:33,648
Like, do not get me started.
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00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,575
Trust me, you,
you will be here all night.
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I've got time. I'm officially
getting you started.
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- Name one thing.
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00:05:39,231 --> 00:05:40,580
I mean, where do I start?
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00:05:40,732 --> 00:05:42,156
The things I have to say
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00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,734
about caroling. It's like,
how long have you got?
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00:05:44,828 --> 00:05:46,511
I've got all night, no one
to go home to-- let's hear it.
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00:05:46,738 --> 00:05:49,255
Yeah, okay... well, I mean,
first there's the...
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00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:50,832
- you know, the singing.
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00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,076
You know what, screw you guys!
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00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,911
All right, screw Frosty!
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00:05:54,930 --> 00:05:56,188
Screw Vince Guaraldi!
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00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:58,357
Screw both Rankin and Bass!
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00:05:59,843 --> 00:06:03,753
Well, I'm with him on Rankin,
but, come on, what did Bass do?
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00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,091
Stupid Christmas.
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00:06:08,184 --> 00:06:10,202
What kind of name is
Blitzen anyway, what is that?
156
00:06:10,353 --> 00:06:12,612
That's like-- that's not
a name... it's a football...
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00:06:12,764 --> 00:06:14,664
something.
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00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,004
Aah! Son of a bitch!
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00:06:35,971 --> 00:06:38,138
Oh, crap.
Why couldn't I have hit
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00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:40,649
the court-ordered menorah
instead?
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00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:43,485
Thank you!
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00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,226
Aw, crap, this is bad,
this is bad.
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00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:55,288
After all I said, they-they'll
probably call this a hate crime.
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00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:59,459
I've just got
to hide the evidence.
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00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:05,090
Ah, I wish someone was here
to try to take this from me,
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00:07:05,317 --> 00:07:07,909
'cause I'd be all like...
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00:07:08,003 --> 00:07:10,303
No way, you! This is mine!
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00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:14,749
Now where can I hide
an old, banged-up car
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00:07:14,843 --> 00:07:16,751
where it'll just blend right in?
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00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,781
I knew this would work.
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00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:31,450
Especially after
that last flight I took.
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00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:34,177
Spirit Airlines is
now boarding group whatever.
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00:07:34,237 --> 00:07:36,179
Just start punching
until you're on an airplane.
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00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:44,354
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:47,207
Our top story:Ho-ho-homeless man
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00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:48,783
found dead in local alleyway.
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00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,711
But first we're joinedlive by Mayor Wild West
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00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,364
outside City Hall,who reports that the town
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00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:57,291
nativity scene he personallywhittled has gone missing.
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00:07:57,385 --> 00:08:00,220
Mayor West, what can youtell us about the disappearance
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00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:02,463
and also aboutmy contested parking ticket,
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00:08:02,557 --> 00:08:05,132
and I'll remind you the treelimb was blocking the sign.
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00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,468
That tree was a hardwood,Mr. Tucker,
184
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:09,988
and there wouldn't have beena leaf on it till mid-May.
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00:08:10,215 --> 00:08:11,806
The printingof the restricted times
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00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,658
was also faded,and as to the investigation?
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00:08:13,885 --> 00:08:16,495
Whoever took thatnativity scene best sleep
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00:08:16,722 --> 00:08:19,480
with one eye open,'cause I'm on your trail.
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00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,407
And I'm gonna hunt you downlike the mighty
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00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:25,712
grizzly hunts a Slim Jim left onthe dashboard of a Ford Taurus.
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00:08:26,990 --> 00:08:29,156
I regretthat the West has changed.
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00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:31,693
Ah, now I want a Slim Jim.
Slim Jim, anyone?
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00:08:31,695 --> 00:08:34,328
Slim Jim? Never google
what's in it? Slim Jim?
194
00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:36,573
That's rather odd.
Who would steal...
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00:08:36,591 --> 00:08:38,350
a nativity scene?
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00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,171
Want to tell me
what's going on, champ?
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00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,690
What? Nothing.
198
00:08:45,842 --> 00:08:48,084
Brian, I can tell when you're
lying, because your voice always
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00:08:48,177 --> 00:08:49,844
gets high at the end
of your sentences.
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00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,104
That's nuts,
you don't know what you're
201
00:08:51,256 --> 00:08:52,697
talking about!
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00:08:52,924 --> 00:08:54,741
Okay, fine!
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00:08:59,355 --> 00:09:02,374
Yes, it was me. I destroyed
the nativity scene with my car.
204
00:09:02,601 --> 00:09:04,325
But you've got to keep
your mouth shut about this.
205
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,028
I could be in a lot of trouble.
I already hid the evidence.
206
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,487
Did you at least do it right?
207
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:09,363
You burned all the pieces
208
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,715
and sank your car in a lake?
209
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:12,609
No, I parked it in the
Spirit Airlines parking lot...
210
00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,219
Oh, because they all
drive crappy cars.
211
00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:16,221
That's smart, that's smart.
Well, not to worry.
212
00:09:16,372 --> 00:09:17,722
You and I will just leave town
213
00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:19,040
and start a new life together.
214
00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:20,225
What? What are you talking...?
215
00:09:20,452 --> 00:09:21,951
Look, we could buy
a house in Cincinnati
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00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:23,636
for $43,000.
217
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,789
Stewie, I'm not leaving town--
Wait, what, seriously?
218
00:09:25,807 --> 00:09:28,049
Yes, pretty big. Three bedrooms.
Hardwood floors.
219
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,068
For $43,000? That's insane.
220
00:09:30,295 --> 00:09:31,961
- We could just pay that off.
- I know. You could have
221
00:09:32,055 --> 00:09:33,405
that office you've
always wanted and we'd still
222
00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:35,148
have an extra room for the baby.
223
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,634
- What?
- Or-or a craft room.
224
00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:39,727
- Oh, crap, Who's that?
225
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,746
Howdy, folks.
226
00:09:41,973 --> 00:09:44,732
Just seeing if I might ask
y'all a few questions.
227
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,400
Hey, you're the man from the TV!
228
00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:49,379
Please come in,
I'm the man from the couch.
229
00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:51,831
Okay, quick, I need an alibi.
230
00:09:51,983 --> 00:09:53,091
Okay, last night
you and I were home
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00:09:53,318 --> 00:09:55,318
watching Dancing with the Stars
all night.
232
00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:57,620
That's actually what I was
doing all last night.
233
00:09:57,672 --> 00:09:59,489
I thought Tom Bergeron
had a great show.
234
00:09:59,582 --> 00:10:01,007
One of his better nights.
The guy's a pro.
235
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,416
It's Tyra Banks now.
236
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,843
Brian, I can't do this with you.
237
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,419
And what about you, Peter?
238
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:07,755
I hear you haven't been
brushing your teeth.
239
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,274
- Yes, I have.
- All of 'em?
240
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,425
- Most of 'em.
- Careful there.
241
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,187
The teeth are the doorway
to the body.
242
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,765
Now, then, can I speak to your
dog who hates Christmas?
243
00:10:17,859 --> 00:10:20,176
Ho-ho-ho! Who have we got here?
244
00:10:20,195 --> 00:10:22,770
Can I interest anyone
in a candy cane?
245
00:10:22,864 --> 00:10:24,772
None for me, thanks.
246
00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:27,517
Ho-ho-okay, your loss.
After all,
247
00:10:27,535 --> 00:10:30,036
it is the world's most dangerous
candy. The more you eat it,
248
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,188
the sharper it gets,
but it's worth stabbing
249
00:10:32,281 --> 00:10:34,707
your own mouth for a sweet
that tastes like toothpaste.
250
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,209
I mean, Season's Greetings!
251
00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:38,378
Brian, where were you last night
252
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:40,805
between 10:00 p.m. and midnight?
253
00:10:40,957 --> 00:10:42,974
Uh, let's see, uh,
food bank till 8:00.
254
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:45,477
Uh,Love Actually...
again.
255
00:10:45,704 --> 00:10:48,313
And at no time did
I watch Tom Bergeron
256
00:10:48,464 --> 00:10:49,964
onDancing with the Stars
because
257
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,192
that would be impossible.
258
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,302
Hmm, that's very helpful.
259
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,656
Oh, good, 'cause I-I hope
more than anyone the culprit
260
00:10:57,883 --> 00:11:00,566
who took your nativity scene
is brought to justice.
261
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,143
I'm mighty glad to hear that.
262
00:11:02,237 --> 00:11:04,404
Matter of fact, I was thinking
a hound like you'd
263
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,666
be just the thing to help
sniff out some new clues.
264
00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,225
- What do you say?
- Uh, yeah.
265
00:11:09,318 --> 00:11:11,077
In-in fact,
you came to the right guy.
266
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,229
I was briefly
McGruff's sidekick.
267
00:11:13,322 --> 00:11:14,506
Ah, that's Jenny.
268
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:17,158
- But that's not Jenny's dad.
No, sir!
269
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,510
If she gets into that car,
270
00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:20,845
that may be the last time
you'll see Jenny.
271
00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,181
- Yep!
- I'm McGruff the Crime Dog.
272
00:11:23,332 --> 00:11:26,167
And I'm Sergeant Bark,
because I bark at crime.
273
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,519
See those kids?
274
00:11:27,712 --> 00:11:28,912
Every day in this country,
275
00:11:29,005 --> 00:11:31,005
60 kids disappear.
276
00:11:31,099 --> 00:11:33,191
- Hey, the bikes fell.
- Some run away.
277
00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:35,268
- You want me to get the bikes?
- But a lot are kidnapped
by strangers.
278
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,344
- McGruff? McGruff?
- Or even by people they know.
279
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,922
- Do you want me
to pick up the...?
- So write to McGruff.
280
00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:40,440
- Oh, you're-you're giving
the address.
- And teach your kids
281
00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:41,700
- to protect themselves.
- I'll get the bikes.
282
00:11:41,927 --> 00:11:42,608
- Help, uh,
283
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:43,776
take a bite out of crime.
284
00:11:43,945 --> 00:11:45,745
And don't forget to bark at it.
285
00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:55,046
You know,
I've been thinking, Brian.
286
00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:57,048
Maybe the first thing
we ought to do is
287
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,883
take an inventory
of what's missing.
288
00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:01,035
Could be there's
some clues in that.
289
00:12:01,129 --> 00:12:02,295
Yep, sure. Good thinking.
290
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,447
Ah, you're a big Christmas guy.
291
00:12:04,466 --> 00:12:07,450
Remind me,
what's in a nativity scene?
292
00:12:07,452 --> 00:12:10,228
Nativity scene, sure. Uh, well,
you've got your drummer.
293
00:12:10,379 --> 00:12:13,639
Uh, probably a bassist, too.
Uh, Jesus, of course.
294
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,234
Uh... Mr. Christ?
295
00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:19,053
I'm gonna say Santa,
then also the elves.
296
00:12:19,147 --> 00:12:21,555
Uh, the pig who makes friends
with a spider...
297
00:12:21,649 --> 00:12:23,316
writes, uh, nice things
in its web.
298
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,485
S-S-S-Slater?
299
00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:27,245
Somebody-somebody named Slater?
300
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:29,414
I think he's
from Saved by the Bell.
301
00:12:29,641 --> 00:12:30,990
Ah, I knew it sounded familiar,
but you know who
302
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,250
we should really be looking at?
303
00:12:32,477 --> 00:12:34,902
People in town who don't
even celebrate Christmas.
304
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,330
Like-like... Mort Goldman!
305
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,906
Boo! Boo, Brian!
306
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,301
They've suffered enough. Boo.
307
00:12:45,173 --> 00:12:47,248
"Dear Santa,
thank you in advance
308
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,416
"for bringing me
a Happy Asking Panda.
309
00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:51,585
"I've been a very good boy
this year,
310
00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:54,421
"and while I understand you
'see me when I'm sleeping,'
311
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,516
"I just want to say
that Rupert was the aggressor.
312
00:12:56,668 --> 00:12:58,777
"It may not have seemed that
way, but we had agreed
313
00:12:58,928 --> 00:13:00,520
"ahead of time
on a form of role play
314
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,448
that would probably have seemed
confusing without that context."
315
00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:06,451
We interrupt this programfor breaking news.
316
00:13:06,678 --> 00:13:08,602
Good evening,I'm holiday replacement
317
00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:11,347
anchor Edgar Chavez,alone in the studio
318
00:13:11,366 --> 00:13:14,292
and having some troublelocking down the camera.
319
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:20,857
We now take you to a livenews conference at City Hall!
320
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,468
Thank you allfor coming tonight.
321
00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,361
Uh, I think
the press conferences mics
322
00:13:25,454 --> 00:13:27,196
are still set
at standing height.
323
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:28,548
I've still not learned who stole
324
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,975
- our town's nativity scene.
325
00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,202
Easy, Horse, easy.
326
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:36,055
So until I get some answers,as mayor,
327
00:13:36,207 --> 00:13:39,484
I'm officially cancelingChristmas in Quahog.
328
00:13:39,635 --> 00:13:41,060
Canceling Christmas?!
329
00:13:41,212 --> 00:13:42,487
Now we'll never know
what's behind
330
00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:45,139
the last box
on the M&M advent calendar!
331
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,549
It's M&M'S, Peter.
332
00:13:46,568 --> 00:13:49,160
- They've all been M&M'S.
- You don't know that!
333
00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:52,497
You ate my whole family,
334
00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:54,648
you fat bastard.
335
00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:57,484
One. More. Day.
336
00:13:59,414 --> 00:14:01,155
Joe? What are you doing here?
337
00:14:01,249 --> 00:14:03,399
Sorry, Peter, I'm on strict
orders from the mayor
338
00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:06,010
to confiscate
all the Christmas stuff in town.
339
00:14:06,162 --> 00:14:08,346
You heard him, Lois.
Hand over the Hallmark Channel.
340
00:14:08,573 --> 00:14:11,090
No Christmas means
no Happy Asking Panda.
341
00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:13,017
Stewie, I'm so sorry.
342
00:14:13,169 --> 00:14:15,669
But you got to understand
the position I'm in.
343
00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:20,191
I'll tell you this, Rupert.
344
00:14:20,418 --> 00:14:22,360
I shall not stand idly by
while our dog
345
00:14:22,587 --> 00:14:24,921
steals my dream
of a Happy Asking Panda.
346
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:30,276
I may just have to send
a little text to our mayor.
347
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,020
Yes, I did get a new phone case.
348
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,039
It's Malibu Barbie
next to a palm tree.
349
00:14:35,191 --> 00:14:37,375
The man at the mall kiosk
said it was "girlish,"
350
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,435
and I said, "Yeah?
Maybe I think she's hot."
351
00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:41,787
And he went, "Okay," and I went,
"What do you mean by 'Okay'?"
352
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:43,456
And then he says,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
353
00:14:43,608 --> 00:14:45,625
"I just came back from my wife's
oncologist appointment."
354
00:14:45,777 --> 00:14:47,218
And I said, "Oh, no.
What's wrong?" And he said,
355
00:14:47,445 --> 00:14:48,961
"Her melanoma's coming back."
356
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,388
And I said, "I'm so sorry,
but they're making
357
00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:52,373
advancements in treatment
every single day."
358
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,225
And he goes, "I know,
you're right, but still."
359
00:14:54,452 --> 00:14:55,968
And I said, "Just hang
in there," and he says,
360
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,896
"Shoot me your digits,
our story does not
361
00:14:58,047 --> 00:15:00,398
end here," so we're going
out to dinner on Friday.
362
00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:02,734
I love this case.
363
00:15:05,797 --> 00:15:08,147
Sir, as you requested,
I've transcribed
364
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,225
all your text messages
onto pieces of dried cowhide.
365
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,302
These just came in.
366
00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,705
"Spirit Airlines parking lit."
367
00:15:17,492 --> 00:15:19,250
"Parking lit."
368
00:15:19,477 --> 00:15:22,236
"Parking lit. Asterisk, lot.
369
00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:25,298
L-O-L."
370
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,667
Looks like we got our man.
371
00:15:44,686 --> 00:15:48,655
And still plenty of time
to pick up Aunt Betty.
372
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:52,858
Oh, you really didn't have
to do this.
373
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,744
We both know I did.
374
00:16:02,353 --> 00:16:05,112
Brian, is there anything
you want to say
375
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,449
about the Baby Jesus-shaped dent
in the hood of your car?
376
00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:10,359
Oh, come on,
that doesn't prove anything!
377
00:16:10,453 --> 00:16:12,119
That could be any baby
I hit with my car!
378
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,214
He was lying about Tom Bergeron
earlier. He had no idea.
379
00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:18,559
Why don't you open
the trunk for me?
380
00:16:21,672 --> 00:16:23,982
No way! No way!
381
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,799
You didn't even hide
the evidence?!
382
00:16:25,893 --> 00:16:28,486
Brian Griffin,
you're under arrest.
383
00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:31,214
Just for destroying
public property
384
00:16:31,232 --> 00:16:32,490
and fleeing the scene
of the crime?!
385
00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:35,051
Why are we not leading
with drunk driving?
386
00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:37,553
I'm afraid I have
to take you to jail.
387
00:16:37,646 --> 00:16:39,313
Oh, no, not Brian!
388
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,981
Do we get
the Hallmark Channel back?
389
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,892
Jail?! Are you kidding me?!
390
00:16:42,985 --> 00:16:45,837
Wait a minute, you get three
square meals in jail, right?
391
00:16:46,064 --> 00:16:48,064
Well, I can't speak
for the shape,
392
00:16:48,157 --> 00:16:50,341
but the number sounds right.
393
00:16:53,238 --> 00:16:55,571
Griffin, visitor!
394
00:16:57,166 --> 00:16:58,683
Hey, Brian,
sorry about the sling.
395
00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:00,000
I got shot by an M&M.
396
00:17:00,094 --> 00:17:01,853
Anyway, how's Christmas Eve
in jail?
397
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,521
You know what, it's great.
398
00:17:03,672 --> 00:17:05,748
At least it keeps me away
from all the phony joy
399
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:07,250
and crass commercialism.
400
00:17:07,268 --> 00:17:08,842
Well, it's good
to see you haven't lost
401
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,253
your lack of spirit.
402
00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:12,255
Well, it certainly is
great seeing you, Brian.
403
00:17:13,775 --> 00:17:15,533
Hey, guys, unfortunately
404
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,201
visiting hours end at...
405
00:17:17,428 --> 00:17:18,611
10:14.
406
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:19,871
Aw! Aw!
407
00:17:20,098 --> 00:17:22,582
It's like we just got here, aw!
408
00:17:30,441 --> 00:17:33,276
Ah, best night's sleep
in a long time.
409
00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:35,869
I should spend Christmas
in jail every year.
410
00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:44,878
Stupid families having
stupid fun times together.
411
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,623
Reminding themselves
their families are...
412
00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:49,692
filled with love.
413
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,991
Huh, looks like Stewie got
that toy he wanted.
414
00:18:02,898 --> 00:18:04,974
A kid and his bear.
415
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,293
What's more innocent than that?
416
00:18:10,906 --> 00:18:12,906
Aw, they got tennis balls
and junk?
417
00:18:17,746 --> 00:18:19,822
I don't even like stupid
418
00:18:19,915 --> 00:18:22,058
new Christmas tennis balls.
419
00:18:32,728 --> 00:18:35,187
♪ O come, all ♪
420
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,673
♪ Ye faithful ♪
421
00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:42,528
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
422
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,289
♪ O come ye ♪
423
00:18:45,441 --> 00:18:47,867
- ♪ O come ye ♪
- I don't need Christmas.
424
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:53,189
♪ To Bethlehem ♪
425
00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:57,969
♪ Come and behold Him ♪
426
00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,804
♪ Born the King of Angels ♪
427
00:19:00,031 --> 00:19:02,047
Why am I crying?
428
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:05,551
♪ O come, let us adore... ♪
429
00:19:05,703 --> 00:19:07,145
The "penis" is right,
430
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:08,980
I do miss my family.
431
00:19:09,207 --> 00:19:11,557
Oh, my God, what have I done?
432
00:19:11,709 --> 00:19:13,542
I've been so blind.
433
00:19:13,561 --> 00:19:16,545
Sure, Christmas is a commercial
holiday largely intended
434
00:19:16,564 --> 00:19:19,306
to prop up a faltering economy,
but it's also about family
435
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,551
and togetherness
and the Hallmark Channel,
436
00:19:22,570 --> 00:19:24,236
which I admit
I watch all the time!
437
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,389
Oh, my God, I love Christmas!
438
00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:32,077
And what happened then?
439
00:19:32,230 --> 00:19:33,729
Well, in prison they say,
440
00:19:33,748 --> 00:19:38,325
Brian's anus grewthree sizes that day.
441
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,845
Brian... you are free to go.
442
00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:43,406
What? What do you mean?
443
00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:45,349
I just wanted you to learn
that while you thought
444
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:49,020
it was everyone else who'd lost
the true meaning of Christmas,
445
00:19:49,171 --> 00:19:52,273
it was actually you all along.
446
00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:57,344
So why don't you head
outside to your family?
447
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,587
I will.
448
00:19:58,681 --> 00:20:01,532
But first there's something
I've got to do.
449
00:20:03,428 --> 00:20:04,518
Ah?
450
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,038
It's like you killed Him
all over again.
451
00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:16,272
Oh, Brian,
it's good to have you back.
452
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,049
It wasn't Christmas without you.
453
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,717
I'm happy to be back.
454
00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,719
And I'm happy
to have my tennis ball.
455
00:20:23,614 --> 00:20:25,948
Meg? Lois?
You got any more passwords?
456
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:28,467
The panda loves 'em.
457
00:20:42,967 --> 00:20:44,575
The Griffin assets, sir.
458
00:20:44,802 --> 00:20:47,578
At last. $17?
459
00:20:47,730 --> 00:20:49,747
The bear cost $23 to make.
460
00:20:49,898 --> 00:20:51,582
Oh, no.
461
00:20:55,663 --> 00:20:58,330
Can't rob America
if America's broke!
462
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,591
Merry Christmas, everyone!
35463
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