All language subtitles for Christmas.Is.Canceled.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[sleigh bell melody]

[up-tempo Christmas rock]

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah...♪

♪ Everybody, everybody♪

♪ Always blames it
On Christmas♪

♪ This has become♪

♪ A Christmas tradition♪

♪ To blame it on Christmas♪

♪ Go ahead and blame it
All on...♪

♪ I said, everybody, everybody♪

♪ Always blames it
On Christmas♪

♪ This has become
A Christmas tradition♪

-♪ So blame it on Christmas♪
-♪ Oh, you can blame it♪

♪ Cinnamon spices
Fill the room♪

♪ Family members♪

♪ Will be here soon♪

♪ The snowfall makes
Good, full snowballs♪

♪ Red and white
Christmas lights♪

♪ Fill the malls♪

♪ Something '’bout them
Bells jingling♪

♪ People mingling♪

♪ Brings out
The crazy in us all♪

[distant knocks]

[stronger knock]

Hey, monkey,
when'’d you get back?Last night.

How was your research retreat?

It was great.
I learned a lot,

and, um, Forsite is doing
some great initiatives

in developing nations,
especially Botswana.

I heard our company was
doing great things.

-That'’s so interesting.
-[laughing]

Not as interesting
as that shirt you'’re wearing.

Can we talk about that
for a second?

What, you don'’t--
you don'’t like this?

I was just trying
something new.Yeah, no.

I picked up your dry cleaning

and folded all the laundry.

Uh, how does pot roast
sound for dinner?

Emma, it'’s been
two years since Mom.

Honey, you don'’t have to keep
taking care of me like this.

You have potato chips and vodka
for dinner when I'’m not here.

It'’s been two months.
You'’re probably
half-potato by now.

What was that message that
you left about the lake house?

We'’re not going
for the holidays?

Yeah, I just wasn'’t
feeling it this year.

God, we'’re so behind here.

We still have
to decorate the house.

-The tree.
-Get the tree.

Brandy?

What is she doing
back at her parents'’ house?

I thought she lived
in Los Angeles.

Uh, no, actually she'’s lived
all over for the last year.

She was the road manager
for The Seven Strokes.

Was she "Head of Stroking"?

She tired of traveling,
so she moved back
into her folks'’ house,

-which is empty.
-How do you know all that?
Have you talked to her?

Well, she'’s been back
a few months, so yes.

You'’ve just been gone
for most of that time,

so you probably just
didn'’t run into her.

Thank God.

-Shit!
-[thudding]

What?What are you doing?

-Get down!
-Come on. Get up.

Don'’t let her see you!

What is wrong with you?

No, don'’t!

-Hi, Brandy.
-Hi, is Emma here?

Yeah.

[clearing throat]

Oh, hey!
How are ya, lady?

-It'’s been a minute.
-Ten years.

Right. Well, I heard
you were out of town.

Welcome back.

Anyway, I just wanted
to come over
and holler at ya.

Uh...

also, I wanted to say
that I was really sorry

to hear about your mom.
She was a badass.

Do you remember that time
she took us to the mall,

and we bought those bras
with the pineapples on '’em?

-[chuckling]
-How could I forget?

My mom was
pretty distracted back then,

going through the divorce
and everything, and...

Well, Jo was really sweet to me.

I'’ll never forget it.

Joanna.
Nobody called her Jo.

Okay... then.

Well, maybe
I'’ll see you around.

[whispering]
You tell her.

[sighing]
I know.

Emma.

[Charlyne] I know
you'’re going to your dad's

for Christmas,
but New Year'’s,

you'’re going out
with me and my girl Lola.

That sounds fun,
but Dad and I always watch--

-Please don'’t finish that.
-Ryan Seacrest'’s Rockin'’ Eve.

Oh, God. All right.

Well, Hot John from PR--
You know Hot John?

Oh, Hot John.The-- The swoopy hair?

Uh, he'’s having a party.Oh.

And I don'’t like dudes,

but I'’ll go
if you'’ll need a wingman.

We'’re gonna get you in an outfit
the breeders find sexy.

You'’re gonna get drunk and laid

like a normal
20-something-year-old human.

I'’m normal.

You cook your dad pot roast,

and I can bet the blazer
you'’re wearing under there
is from Talbots.

I'’m sorry for helping
my lonely widowed father

through a hard time.
I'’m a monster.

Here'’s the real question.
Are you helping him or yourself?

Is he lonely, or are you?

Ouch, Charlyne.I'’m sorry.

But eventually
your dad is gonna find

friends his own age
and start dating,

and where'’s that
gonna leave you?

Your dad'’s getting laid,
and you'’re not?
That'’s bottom.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dad'’s not getting laid, okay?
-Right.

It'’s been two years.Yeah, two years.

Two years.Two years.

-What are you talking about?
-T-Two years. Really?

When'’s the last time
someone touched
your shame center?

Oh, you mean my mistletoe?

Yes, your south pole.

[chuckling]
My happy valley.

No, no, no,
your snowflake valley.

-Right.
-[laughing]

Ugh! The last time
someone jingled my bells...

Mmm-hmm.Including myself?

Yes.

I'’d say watching
The Mandalorian

a few nights ago.Do not distract them.

The only thing you nerds
should be thinking about

is solid-state
lithium batteries.

Pick that up.

Say hi to Daddy for me.

You'’re fired. I don't have
the authority to do that,
but if I did...

Is he in, Beatrice?

Yes, go ahead, hon.

-Nice jacket.
-[soft chuckle]

Hey. What'’s up, Dad?

Pickup truck sales.
Classic is in again.

Classics are never out of style.

Ooh, I forgot to tell you,

I have a breakfast meeting
this morning, um...

Oh, okay,
I was just wondering

what day I should come up
for the holidays.

Yeah, I'’ve been meaning
to talk to you about that.

-All right.
-Just kind of
a logistical thing,

but we don'’t have
to talk about it now.
We can talk about it later.

"Logistics."
Did you turn my bedroom
into a gym or something?

No.

[hip-hop rhythm]

♪ Yo, yo, yo♪

♪ You know what it is♪

♪ Turn it up
Uh-huh, let'’s go♪

♪ Walk in the place
I own it♪

♪ Walk in--
Walk in the place, I own it♪

♪ Walk in--
Walk in the place, I own it♪

♪ Walk in--
Walk in the place, I own it♪

♪ Walk in the place
I own it♪

♪ Need all the attention
And I need it on the daily♪

♪ Spotlight queen
Put the cameras on me♪

What are you doing here?

I'’m here to gab with your dad.

He didn'’t tell you?

Brandy'’s my breakfast meeting,

which was supposed to be
at the Russell Street Deli.

Oh, right.
Well, that explains the dress.

Well, actually
I left a message with Bea

that I'’d come here instead.

Yeah, mmm.

Didn'’t get that message.

Uh, why don'’t we go
back inside? Come on.

Oh, I guess
we double-dunked.

But you can never have
too many holes.

Some of us max out at two.

So, what are you meeting
with my dad about?

Well, I just got a job
managing a bar downtown.

The Raven, you remember it?

Of course, I mean,
who hasn'’t puked
in a bathroom stall there?

[chuckles]
Or peed in the alley, right?

Anyhoo, Forsite Motors is
gonna be a sponsor

for our New Year'’s Eve concert

-for homelessness.
-You'’re for homelessness?

You'’ve always had
a funny sense of humor.

That'’s redundant.
But my dad'’s not the one

that you talk to
about sponsorships.

Well, Jack said he could
handle it this one time.

You didn'’t mention that, Jack.

Oh, um, it wasn'’t a big deal.

The concert'’s gonna be fun.

So maybe we could
all go together.

I like fun.

Your musical taste runs
from Bruce to Springsteen,

so, maybe we should all
just get back to work?

I'’m sure
you have dressing rooms

that need to be
restocked with gin
and herpes meds.

Um, all right, let'’s go.

-Brandy?
-Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

How annoying is she?

She'’s meeting with my dad?

I know,
and I can'’t believe

she had the nerve
to come up to this office.

What? Bea?

Oh, this isn'’t
their first meeting.

Wait, meeting or... meeting?

Mmm-hmm.

[whispering indistinctly]

[whispering]
You just have to tell her.

I know I just have
to tell her, it just...

It'’s not that easy.
It'’s Emma, right?

What the-- Oh!

Just...

"Very well, young lady,
drive safely."

"Thank you, kindly sir."

Anyway, I have to get back
to the office.

Is there any chance
we could...

-Bye-bye.
-Can I see you tonight?

Yeah, well,
make sure you turn off...

-I said "bye-bye."
-...the porch light.

Wha... stop.

Rape.
Stop raping my dad!

-Oh, shit.
-Shit.

-Shit.
-Wha--

[groaning]

[panting]

Here you go.

That should do it.

♪ The itsy-bitsy spider♪

♪ Went up the water spout♪

♪ Down came the--♪

[Christmas elevator music]

Okay, here'’s
what obviously happened.

That Venus fly-snatch

preyed on you
during a vulnerable time.

But it'’s not your fault.

You'’re just
a lonely old widower

whose only
female connection now

are the local news
weather ladies.

[soft thudding]

Brandy and I are
seeing each other.

Like...
seeing each other'’s...

privates?
[retching]

[retching]
Geez.

[groaning]

Just... Just stop it.I need to get it out.

Stop, stop, stop.

Please.Okay, I have to get
out of here.

I'’ve...

[Christmas elevator music]

Dad?

Brandy and I are the same age.

We went to school together.

We bought the same
pineapple bras.

Yeah, that'’s not ideal,
but a lot'’s changed since then.

I didn'’t even know
you were friends back then.

We weren'’t.What I'’m trying to say is,

you should get to know
Brandy now, like I did.

She'’s fantastic. She is.

She'’s generous,
open-hearted,

-beautiful.
-Oh.

I'’m gonna punch you
in the throat,
widow-raper.

What?

Okay, you know what? No.

Emma, come on out here.
Let'’s talk.

[scoffs]Emma...

Will you please...

I like it here.

I live here now.

-[clearing throat]
-Okay.

I'’m really sorry that you had
to find out like that, okay?

I kept telling your dad
we should just treat this

like a bikini wax.
Just rip the strip.

She did.
She said, "Rip the strip."

It may hurt
like hell at first,

but then after that,
it'’s all-- it's all smooth.

You know? And I told him
you'’re the smartest girl I know,

-and that you were
mature enough to handle this.
-Oh, did you?

And I knew that
if you had time
to really think about it,

you'’d see that
you'’re not losing him,

-you'’re gaining me.
-Oh, am I?

Yeah.We really--

We weren'’t trying to hurt you.

So, the two of you are "we" now?

-And I'’m just me?
-Oh.

-Yeah, but there are no sides.
-No, we'’re all in this together.

In what together?
Your vagina?

No-- [groans]

How long has this
been going on for?

How long?

Two months.

-Two months?
-We didn'’t plan it.

-[voice echoing, fading]
It just sort of happened...
-Yeah.

[Jack, distorted]
Emma?

Brandy and I are spending
the holidays together.

[echoing, distorted]
And we want you to join us.

Thank you for your offer,

but I am otherwise engaged
for the holidays.

You don'’t have other plans.

I will be building my bunker

and collecting
my end-of-days supply,

because a shroud of darkness has
descended on the world.

Evil has won

and Christmas

is fucking canceled!

[people exclaiming]

[Emma] I can'’t believe it.
It'’s a nightmare.

My dad is having sex
with "Handy" Barnes!

What'’re you doing?

The saltshaker.

Pepper grinder.
This is fun.

Ooh, shakin'’ the snake.

What-- Oh, stop it!
Oh, gross!

That is not my forte,
but I know that'’s not
how you do that.

Who is "Handy" Barnes?

Brandy. We went
to high school together.

She was my nemesis.

-She even stole my crush,
Josh Jamison.
-Oh.

And now she'’s dating my father.

Gross, yeah,
that has a certain
"ick" factor to it.

Oh, you think?
Our lockers were
next to each other.

We spent afternoons together
because study hall

and detention were
in the same room.

Oh... oh, my God.

I borrowed a tampon
from her once after gym.

I think that makes us
Eskimo sisters.

No, it doesn'’t.

God, what is my dad doing?

I mean, what could
he possibly see in her?

Do you have a photo?

I know, she'’s attractive.

No, no, no.

If I wasn'’t dating Lola,
I would literally
step over your corpse

to cup those tits
for five seconds.

-Not helping.
-Listen,

it is in a dude'’s DNA
to try and bang
the hottest,

youngest chick he can.

Mick Jagger'’s partner is,
like, the same age
as his grandkid.

Gross.

And he'’s a Rolling Stone.
My dad has gallstones.

-You got a hot dad.
-[scoffs] No, I don'’t.

Uh, yeah, he has
foxy dad vibes.
I'’m sorry.

How would you like it
if I started dating your father?

You'’d be the older woman,
because he'’s dating

his nail technician
and she'’s 22.

Yeah, after the third marriage,
it gets a little blurry,

but I do get kick-ass nail art
from this one.

Just please be on my side.

I am on your side... always.
Probably just a sex thing.

You just gotta wait it out.

It'’s when they think
they'’re in love

-that things get dicey.
-In love?

-[door opening]
-[Jack] Emma?

Oh, hey, Charlyne.

Um, could I talk to my daughter?

Yeah, sure. I was,
uh, just on my way out.

I actually have a date
with my own twenty-something,

smoking-hot girlfriend.
Up top.

Sorry I didn'’t tell you sooner.

-[door closing]
-I wanted to wait

to see if it was
something real.

And then you were
gone for a while,

and I guess
it was hard to bring up.

"Hard to bring up"?

You negotiate with union bosses.

I'’m harder to talk to
than Fat Frank?

You'’re my daughter.
It'’s different.

And I don'’t want you
to take this the wrong way,

but you can be judgmental,

and I was afraid
that you might not approve.

Well, I don'’t.Well, I see that.

You'’re, like,
25 years older than her.

Aren'’t you embarrassed
when you go out together?

-Why would I be embarrassed?
-I don'’t know,

because you look like
an old fool who'’s being
taken advantage of.

And people feel sorry for you.

In my circles, I'’m a hero.

Guys high-five me on the street.

-Charlyne just did.
-Yeah, well,
that guy'’s a traitor.

They say 50'’s the new 30.

You'’re 54 and a half.

I just never thought
about you dating

anyone, ever.

Does it have to be now?
Does it have to be her?

-Could it be anyone but her?
-Emma--

You should be dating someone
your own age. Like Beatrice.

Brandy makes me feel young.
What'’s wrong with that?

What'’s wrong with that
is that you'’re not young.

You have a bad back.

It'’s only a matter of time
before you hurt yourself

doing some freaky sex shit.

You two are total opposites.

You'’ve had one job for 30 years.

You married
the love of your life.

She spent the last year
driving cross-country

in a smoke-filled sex wagon

with a bunch of sweaty dudes.

I know this is overwhelming,

but Brandy has brought
a spark to my life

that I really need.

It may not last,
but she makes me happy now.

It'’s not that I don't
want you to be happy,
but...

Just come spend
the holidays with us.

Just give her a chance.

I don'’t know if I can.

Well, just think about it.

For me.

[soft chatter]

Dad and I have spent
every Christmas together

since I was born.

We'’re each other's
only family now.

I don'’t think I can spend
a week with him and Brandy.

So, how do we avoid a bloodbath?

-Booze?
-Okay.

Or you could take the high road,
get through the week,

and let the relationship
fizzle out on its own.

What?

What?

[laughing]

I... I have to do something.

If she and Dad don'’t see
how wrong they are
for each other,

then I have no choice
but to show them.

Or you could be
the bigger person

and process your emotions
like an adult and...

Break them up.
Yeah, I agree.

I'’ll do it by Christmas.

You got four days, kid.

I can do it.

God bless us, everyone.

[sighing]

[sleigh bells jingling]

[big band Christmas music]

What about
It'’s a Wonderful Life?

Oh, well, that'’s a classic,

but now you like classics.

-I do.
-[chuckling]

-[smooching]
-Hey, guys.

Happy holidays.

[sighing]

She came!
[chuckling]

I'’m so happy you're here!

Me too.

And I'’m sorry about the way
I reacted the other day.

Um... the news was
just shocking.

Yeah, I know.
Listen, even if we aren'’t

spending Christmas
at the lake house,

we can still do
all the same stuff, right?

Drinks at the country club.
Our annual holiday party.

Ice skating on the lake,
if you want.

Of course,
it'’s tradition.

Hi, welcome.
[chuckling]

To my own house?
Thank you.

I'’m sorry,
that was rude, um...

I wanted to apologize for

calling you a widow-raper
the other day.

That'’s okay.

Hey, fresh start.

What?That...

That'’s my mother's apron.

You'’re wearing
my dead mother'’s apron.

Oh, shit.
I didn'’t know.

-Oh!
-Oh! Emma!

Wait, wait--Are you okay?

No, no, no,
don'’t touch me.

Okay.

Well, that'’s new.

What, this?
Yeah, well, yeah.

Of course we moved
a few things around.

What is that thing?

We went artificial this year
'’cause Brandy has allergies.

Sometimes I--
I get a little sneezy.

Where are all my trophies?

Um, they'’re right there.

We were hoping
you'’d take 'em home.

-I-I need some air.
-No, no, no, no, hey--

[door opening, slamming]

[phone ringing]

[phone continues ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone continues ringing]

[bartender shaking drinks]

[sighing]

What can I get ya, doll?

What I don'’t need is some kind
of old-timey hipster slang.

Not in the mood, newsie cap.

Just a friendly gesture, ma'’am.

Vodka tonic.

Coming right up.

[dispensing tonic]

Here you are.Thanks.

Sorry, it'’s just
been a rough night.

That'’s what we're here for.

Port in a storm.

God, who-- who says
stuff like that?

You know what?
I'’ll tell you who.

Pretty people who think
they can get away

with anything they want

at regular people'’s expense.

I'’m just saying,
you would never be able

to get away with a phrase
like "port in the storm"

if you didn'’t look like that.

Look like what?

Okay, that'’s gonna be $8.

Emma Lockhart?
Holy shit.

You used to be Brandy Barnes'’
next-door neighbor,

-right?
-Yep.

Josh Jamison.
Jay-mo!

From high school.
I used to date Brandy.

[chuckling]
Oh, hey.

Josh.Yeah!

-Shot of tequila.
-That'’s more like it.

I'’ll join you.

How long has it been?

Long enough.Cheers.

Old times.Old times.

Whoo.Yeah.

You home for the holidays?

Yeah.

And get this, uh,

I'’m actually gonna be
spending it with Brandy.

Get out, really?Yeah.

She'’s dating my father.

Wha--
[chuckling]

Wait, like "dating" dating?

-Like "dating" dating.
-No!

How sick is that?

Wow.

You would totally high-five him

if he were here
right now, wouldn'’t you?

If it felt right.Welp, I'’m just gonna be

trapped in my dad'’s house
like The Shining.

I'’m sorry, I do feel like that
would be kind of weird for ya.

-[scoffs] Right? Thank you.
-But on the bright side,

it'’s only a couple
of days, right?

You'’ll get through it.

I don'’t know.
Tomorrow night,

we'’re supposed to go out
with my dad'’s golfing buddies,

which... is usually fun,

-because they'’re
like my uncles.
-Uh-huh.

Now it'’s just gonna suck.

-I just have to stay focused.
-Focused on what?

Do you wanna join us tomorrow?

Are you asking me on a date?

Yeah, kinda.

-Uh...
-No, not really.

But...

if my dad'’s gonna bring
the ditzy party girl,

then I might as well bring
the meathead bartender

and see how he likes it.

Gotcha.

Normally I do like being used

as a pawn in a crazy chick'’s
revenge fantasy

because that means
mind-blowing sex.

But in this case,
I think I'’m gonna pass.

-Thank you, though.
-Okay, wait, um,

-what if you come
with me tomorrow?
-Okay.

And my dad and I
throw our Christmas party
here on Friday?

Tons of tips.So you wanna buy me?

-Like a whore.
-The Pretty Womankind.

There is no Pretty Womankind.

Okay.

Hear me out.Okay.

I will guarantee you
a $2,000 bar tab.

-Everyone needs money, right?
-Guarantee?

-Yeah.
-You hear this, Ant?

-Sounds pretty good.
-Mmm.

I have been saving up
for a new camera.

For high-resolution dick pics?

Environmental portraiture.

Hmm.
That'’s cute.

That'’s condescending.

Okay, look.

I wanna make a point to my dad.

Uh-huh.And you want a new camera.

It'’s a simple transaction.
Do we have a deal?

Uh, no, don'’t do that.

[both chuckling]

Eh, what the hell.

Screw it,
I'’ll be your whore.

Besides, I wouldn'’t mind seeing
how Brandy'’s boobs have

held up after all these years.

Pig, I can'’t believe I--You what?

To be clear,Uh-huh?

-I am not interested in you.
-Mmm.

'’Cause it takes a lot more
than karaoke-ing Kid Rock
to get me in bed these days.

Is that line pretty long?
To get you in bed?

I have a boyfriend.

No, you don'’t.

Otherwise you wouldn'’t be
asking me to do this.

Another shot?

Yeah.

Emma Lockhart.

In the flesh.

[sleigh bells jingling]

So, what are we doing here?

I figured that we could use
some alone time together,

so I made us
some appointments.

What kind of appointments?

[bell jingling]

I thought that we would
get our makeup done

for the country club tonight.

Oh, really?

Wow, that'’s so nice of you.

Yeah, I guess we do have a lot

-to catch up on, too.
-Hello, ladies!

You here for your appointments?

-How fun!
-Whoa.

Oh! Are you two sisters?

-God no.
-Why would you think that?

[chuckling]
Okay...

let'’s get started.

-So perky.
-[laughing]

I'’ll be right with you.

Roberta!

[sighing]
He is so sexy.

I wanna do dirty things to him.

-Me too!
-Filthy.

-[sighing]
-You know, I don'’t understand,

how can you wanna do
filthy things

with Ryan Gosling and my dad?

Oh, they'’re both sexy
in different ways.

Are you screwing my dad
for his money?

[nervous chuckle]

You know,
my dad invented the key fob,

so I have a trust fund,

not that I'’ve ever
taken a single cent of it,

because I'’ve always
taken care of myself,
so no, wrong.

Okay, so...

your dad set up a trust fund
because he felt guilty

about breaking up your family
so now you'’re looking

-for a new daddy?
-[laughing]

You'’re saying that
I have daddy issues?

Wow, isn'’t that the skunk
calling the rose stinky?

It means your shit stinks.

Your shit stinks.I don'’t shit.

Look, I spent
most of my 20s dating

self-centered man-children
who cheated on me.

Your dad is honest.

Strong.
He'’s sweet and funny.

Funny? You know,
I'’ll give you the rest,

but the last thing
my dad is is funny.

Well, maybe you don'’t
know him as well as
you think you do.

I know him better
than he knows himself.
You know nothing.

Do you have
some fetish for old guys?

Like a chubby chaser
kind of thing?

You wanna hop on pop?

Your father is
a spectacular lover.

Would you like me to go on?

No.

Okay.

Good talk.

-Holy shit--
-This half of the face--

It'’ll be done, trust me.

-Okay.
-I just wanted to give you
a little glimpse!

[hip-hop music]

♪ Pow pow pow
Back for me, boy♪

♪ I'’m tryna tryna tryna tryna
Pop for ya, boy, listen♪

♪ Let me let me look
Back at ya, boy, yeah♪

♪ Pop for the boy, yeah
You the one, boy, listen♪

♪ Pow pow pow
Back for me, boy♪

♪ I'’m tryna tryna tryna tryna
Pop for ya, boy, yeah♪

♪ Let me let me look
Back at ya, boy, yeah♪

♪ Pop for the boy, yeah
You the one, boy, listen♪

♪ Get what I want
Get what I want, boy, listen♪

♪ Get what I want
Get what I want, get it get it♪

♪ Get what I want
Get what I want, boy, yeah♪

♪ Get what I want
Get what I want, get it get it♪

We look like
a Russian kingpin
and his high-class hookers.

Good evening, sir.

Cool T-shirt.

It'’s nice
to see you and your

daugh-- Nie-- Sister?

-I'’m his daughter.
-Right.

-She'’s boning him.
-[Jack] Language, monkey.

[whispering]
Let'’s hope she doesn't get it on

-in the bathroom.
-[chuckling] Let'’s.

[Jack]
Let'’s meet the mayor first.

Mr. Hackett.
Mr. Murphy.

-Hi.
-Oh, look at you.

All grown up.

There'’s my girl.
How are ya?

Good.
Mr. Portnoy.

Oh, you look wonderful.

I hear you'’re doing
great things at the company.

Oh, thank you,
yeah, Dad and I--

Tom. Hey, Elliott.

It'’s been an interesting
couple of days.

-Hello, gorgeous.
-Looking good, Brandy.

Jack, how did you manage
to land a girl like Brandy?

-[chuckling]
-And how can I steal her
away from you?

I sure am grateful,
every day.

Aw, it'’s easy.
Jack is a great person.

-Cares about his family
and his friends.
-Mmm.

Hey, I'’m here to see
Emma Lockhart.

Oh, that'’s a bit
of a buzzkill,

but she'’s right over there.

Let me know
if you need anything else.

[clears throat]

Hey.

You look like you

came from
a John Wickconvention.

-Thank you.
-Um, I can'’t believe
I'’m saying this,

but I am so glad
that you'’re here right now.

-You did bribe me to come.
-"To-may-to," "to-mah-to."

Okay, so here'’s the deal.

Apparently, Brandy has
every guy in a ten-mile radius

under some sort
of T&A mind control,

including my dad,
but you'’re here now,
and you'’re my Brandy,

so we just have to give him
a taste of his own medicine.

And you didn'’t have to dress up
so nice, but it'’s okay,

he'’s gonna hate you anyway.

I wouldn'’t
count on him hating me.

So here'’s the plan.

My dad is very goal-oriented.

He'’s big on achievement,
and, you know,

you have a dead-end job
and no prospects,

and you used to drive
a foreign car, so...

Do you normally get
what you want out of people?

No, but it'’s wartime, so,

you know, people do
crazy things. Hey, Dad?

-Oh?
-You remember
Josh Jamison, right?

The D-student who used
to block your driveway

-with his Toyota?
-That'’s me.

I think so. Hey, Josh.

-Hey.
-Well, anyway,

Josh and I reconnected
the other night,

and, I don'’t know,
sparks flew.

Honey.Josh works
as a bartender now.

Oh. Do you garnish
your Manhattans

with maraschino cherries?

Not unless that'’s
a euphemism for a sex act.

Oh! [laughing]
Good man.

-What can I get ya?
-Bourbon, straight-up.

-Bourbon, straight-up.
-Yeah.

What the hell?I mean, we'’re like
two silverback gorillas.

We recognize
each other in nature.

Mmm, Josh.

So, Josh and I were thinking
about taking a road trip.

You know, meander around,

find ourselves,
pierce some stuff.

-I don'’t know,
go to Coachella.
-Mmm.

You should.

You know, I never did
enough traveling

when I was young like Josh.

Emma here,
she works too hard.

-Mmm.
-Probably got that from me,

but Brandy'’s been really
helping me relax lately.

It'’s made me
so much happier.

Who knew that I'’d still be
finding myself at this age

and that I'’m still finding
life so surprising--

Oh, there'’s Brandy!
Hi, Brandy!

Oh, your dad'’s great.

She'’s lulled him
into some kind of poontang fog.

Fog of whore.

I don'’t know,
some bartender.

[whispering to each other]

Are you ready for round two?

I was born ready.

-Oh, shut up.
-Wow, really?

-Oh.
-Huh!

Josh Jamison.

-Brandy Barnes.
-Come here.

-Hi, babe.
-How'’re you doing, baby?

You'’re really
wearing that suit.

Oh, and you in that dress.

Remind me again,
why on Earth did we break up?

I obviously made
a huge mistake.

Oh, yeah, you definitely did.

-Ooh, someone'’s
been working out.
-Stop.

Hey, so are you still
doing the whole
photography thing?

-I am.
-Wow, well,
do you ever shoot bands?

Because, um,
I'’m putting together

a little New Year'’s Eve
concert and we could
really use a photographer.

That'’d be great, yeah.

I could definitely do that.
I'’ll text you.

I'’ll text you.

-Great.
-Great.

-Great.
-Great. Hey, guys.

Oh, babe, you met Josh,
Emma'’s date.

Oh, Dad, she knows.

Actually, Josh is
one of Brandy'’s ex-boyfriends.

-Yes, that'’s right.
-Yeah, yeah.

You'’re the man from her past

that I'’ve got to live up to?
The one who got away?

[laughing]
Oh, God, no.

No, no, no, no,
we were kids.

He was a boy.
And you'’re my man.

I'’m a man, too, believe me.

But you gotta admit,
this is kind of weird, right?

I mean, Josh is my date.
I'’m your daughter.

You'’re her boyfriend,
and she'’s Josh's ex.

Kind of funny.

-Right?
-[chuckling]

[Christmas music starts playing]

-Dance with me!
-Oh, sure.

I made it a rule.
Never say no to her.

-You know why, Josh.
-Of course not.

-[Josh] Smart man.
-Yep.

[Josh] Wow.

[Emma] We'’re dancing.

Okay, I guess
we'’re doing this now.

Hey, I hope you know,
I really am trying.

Oh, I know.
I really appreciate it.

I think she just needs
a little time.

Yeah. Come here.

Ow! Okay.

What are we doing here?

I'’m just trying to make the show
a little more convincing.

-[whispering indistinctly]
-Very nice.

Some participation
from you would help.

I thought my part'’s
just letting you fondle me.

I got it.

That'’s nice, yes.

There, you got it.

[laughing]

Oh, my God, they'’re looking.
I'’m trying to make a point.

Would you just
help me out here?Yes, yes.

Oh, my God, kill me.

Let'’s just give 'em a second.

-Probably the wrong move.
-Yep.

-Okay, I'’m sorry.
Um, that was bad.
-Yep.

[line ringing]

I'’m sorry,
I'’m sorry, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me guess, the sabotage isn'’t
going according to plan.

That'’s an understatement.

No, no matter how hard I try
to undermine Brandy and Dad,

they somehow rise above it.

I even brought Brandy'’s
ex-boyfriend to dinner,
and he'’s so...

-Back up, you did what?
-Never mind.

You know, I may have
lost the battle tonight,
but tomorrow is a new day.

And it will be filled
with family traditions

that will remind Brandy
that Dad and I are a unit.

She'’s the third wheel.

Okay, so you'’re gonna use
your childhood memories
for evil?

No. She can'’t just
show up on Christmas

and wave her magic tits around

and think she'’s instantly
part of this family.

I'’ve earned my spot.

Well, you were
sort of born into it.

You should'’ve
seen her, Charlyne.

Cooking dinner
in my childhood home
like she'’s my mother.

And then trying to be my friend.

And then flirting with my date

in my face.

I'’m sorry, what is it
that you'’re mad about right now?

All of it.

Will you come over
Christmas Day?

I don'’t know
if I can handle it alone.

No-- I don'’t do well
with family drama.

That'’s why I'm not spending
the holidays with mine.

I can never pick a side.
Drunks versus racists.

I know it'’s a lot to ask.

But I guess I'’m asking.

[groaning]

If it'’ll help
put an end to this whole thing

and end this phone call,
I will do it.

It will, I promise.
I love you.

Okay, love you, bye.
I'’m so sorry.

[beeping]

[sleigh bells jingling]

Who wore them better?

Yeah, well, clearly I did.

If I don'’t look good,
you don'’t look good.

[laughing]

Oh, what'’s all this?

Just your standard uniform
for cookie baking

-and tree decorating day.
-Oh.

-Mmm.
-I didn'’t get the memo.

This tastes just like
your mom'’s.

They'’re not
as good as hers, but...

Wow, cookies for breakfast.

Thank you. Usually
I'’d be getting the spins
around this time of day.

Coffee.Mmm-hmm.

Oh, there are mugs too?
That'’s cute.

Sorry, only two.

Here you go.

Mmm, let'’s decorate that tree.

Perfect.

Oh, we can'’t forget these ones.

Oh...

How adorable is this?

-[chuckling]
-That'’s one of my favorites.

Aw, I don'’t remember making
anything like that growing up,

but I guess we were
more of a tinsel family.

Don'’t worry.
I got us an ornament too.

Here, look.

Thank you.

-You like it?
-Yes!

-Nice, right?
-[grunts]

Here. Here.
Come on, let'’s hang it up.

-Near the top.
-Okay, okay, give me a boost.

[squealing, laughing]

-Perfect.
-I love it.

Thank you, babe.

-Look at that.
-It'’s beautiful.

[clears throat]

All right,
it'’s photo album time.

-So cute. Wait, wait.
-[chuckling]

Oh...

-Remember that?
-Yeah.

[both laughing]

[both] Oh.

You have to give us credit.

We really landed
our single axel.

Yeah, but then
you totally wiped out

-in spectacular fashion.
-[chuckling]

I really love that lake house.

Such great memories there.

Yeah.

Oh, I'’m sorry,
maybe this isn'’t the best time.

Oh, no, no, no, I love it.

I-- I wanna know
about your family traditions

because it'’s part of you.

[chuckling]
I don'’t know.

How great is she, huh?

So great.

We should get ready
for the party.

Your mom was pretty.

She was.

She was also
a lot more than that.

I know.

Sorry, but you didn'’t
really know my mom.

You know, the year before
my parents got divorced,

it would get pretty ugly
in our house.

So sometimes
I would just leave and...

walk anywhere
for as long as I could.

And then one day,
your mom drove by,

and she picked me up.

We went and had coffee,
and we talked.

And we probably did that

five or six times.

She never said anything.

She probably knew
it would embarrass me.

It was kind of
our little secret.

But she really
saved me back then.

That'’s the kind of person
that she was.

Oh, I'’ve been meaning
to show you this.

I found it in my old room.

Look at that.
[chuckling]

Were we actually friends
for a minute back then?

Yeah, I think so.

So...

uh, the party tonight,

it'’s gonna be
an interesting mix of people.

What does that mean?

My friends and coworkers,

Dad'’s friends and coworkers

and some of your old buddies

that Dad probably
hasn'’t met yet.

Blaze, Stretch, No-Neck,

the old gang from detention.

[laughing]

Well played.

[hip-hop song playing]

Why does it feel like
an eighth grade dance in here?

Oh, that'’s because our friends

and Brandy'’s friends
have nothing in common,

which hopefully Dad is
finding that out right now.

[Charlyne]
Which one'’s No-Neck?

[Emma]
The one with no neck.

We are definitely

the coolest ones here.

For sure.Mmm.

Why does it feel
like a morgue in here?

Oh, it'’s by design.

Josh, this is Charlyne.

Yeah, that tracks.

And this is Beatrice.

-Hey there, honey.
-How'’s it going, Beatrice?

Dude, she got game.

-[laughing]
-Yeah, she does.

-Hey.
-So, what did you think
of Brandy'’s old gang?

-Interesting folks.
-They are.

But I was just saying,
we need to do something

to liven up this party.

I know one sure thing

that works every time.

Oh, yeah.
Beer-lympics.

-Beer-lympics!
-[cheering]

-Get the shots.
-It'’s tradition.

Salud.

Put it on your head.This isn'’t really
my kind of night.

-Put it on your head.
-This is great.

[Josh]
All right, who'’s next?

-[bell dinging]
-[cheering]

[people]
Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!

[cheering]

Does he really have to take
his shirt off to do that?

[cheering]

[Emma]
Does she even own pants?

Hold my beer.

Dad-- Dad?

[voices drowned out by cheers]

-[cheering]
-Shit.

-[bell ringing]
-[cheering]

[crowd murmurs]

-[Josh] Okay.
-[cheering]

Here we go!

Dad? Dad, you don'’t need
to take that-- Oh!

[cheering]

Yeah!

[cheering]

[rock music continues]

-What'’s going on?
-Arm wrestling.

-I'’m taking bets.
-Whah!

-You too, Bea?
-Yeah!

-[cheering]
-[bell ringing]

I am taking bets!

Taking bets!
Give me that money.

Okay, thank you. All right.

[cheering]

Oh, shit!
Sucks for all of you.

-[cheering]
-Four over here, thank you!

[cheering]

Money? Yes. Yes!

-Good luck.
-Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad,

you don'’t need to--
Please don'’t.

-No, no, no, I got this.
-[man] Come on.

-[hard rock playing]
-Okay, okay.

Go easy on him,
he'’s got a bad back.
You got this, baby.

[Brandy]
Come on, Jack!

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack...

[continues chanting]

[cheering]

Aah!

Gotcha!

[cheering continues]

Baby! Yeah!

Told you you had
a hot dad, whoo!

-[cheering]
-[bell ringing]

-Dad, no.
-You ready, Gramps?

Dad, should you really be doing
a keg roll with your back?

Maybe you should
sit this one out.

No way.

We each have a medal.

Tiebreaker.

Do you really feel good
about beating a man
25 years older than you

in a physical challenge?
Just be the bigger person.

You'’re telling me to be
the bigger person?

You'’re not competing
against him for anything.

Unless... you are...

fighting with him
for Brandy or something.

Of course not.
But what if I was?

That'’d only be
helping you, right?

[whistling]

[overlapping voices]

[grunting, groaning]

Oh, Dad! Oh!

-Oh, my God!
-Dad, are you okay?

Oh, I'’ve got him, I've got him.
He has to lay flat.

[overlapping hollers]

Ah, yeah, I'’m fine.

I'’m fine, I'm fine.

Ugh, fine.
I just... oh!

-Sorry, dude.
-I just need to pop it back.

No, I got you.
Turn around.

I-- This doesn'’t seem
like a good idea.

It'’s deep in there?
All right. Here we go.

-Yeah, okay, yeah.
-Ready?

-[all groaning]
-Oh, my God!

-One more, maybe faster.
-One more, one more.

-One more.
-Yeah. A little faster.

-Oh, God!
-That'’s not getting it.

-Get him.
-Maybe do me from behind.

-Behind? All right.
-Yeah.

-It'’s deep in there.
-Yeah, yeah, no.

-I can barely get it.
-Okay, this is not--

-Oh, God.
-Oh, God.

Oh, wow!
[laughing]

Ah, I feel so satisfied.

This is for you, champ.

-[cheering]
-Later.

-Later, man.
-[cheering]

Baby, maybe
we should get you home.

Yeah, maybe
I'’ll call a car.

-Dad, I'’ll take you.
-No, we'’re hosting

this party,
we can'’t all leave.

You guys stay.
I'’ll go home.

You stay and have fun.
That'’s an order.

-I'’m so proud of you, babe.
-[muttering]

[laughing]

That'’s a legend
right there, everyone.

-[murmurs]
-[sighing]

Okay.
Who wants to do shots?

[cheering]

[hip-hop music playing]

[Emma] How am I ever
supposed to trust her?

That she'’s not
gonna hurt my dad?

You trust him.
And he'’s a grown-ass man

who can make
his own decisions.

I do trust him.

All right,
then let it go.

Maybe worry about
your own life some more.

Hey.

Hey.

Emma... hello?

Maybe part of your problem is
you don'’t even realize

when a hot guy is trying
to get your attention.

Look, I know
we didn'’t really, um,

know each other
back then, but...

I...

I used to have a crush on you

back when you and Brandy
were together.

Rea-- No!

-Really?
-Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I'’m sorry, I--
I literally had no idea.

It'’s fine. You know,
I managed to survive
without you.

-Yeah.
-I lost my virginity
to Peter Grumbauer.

-Sorry about that.
-No, it was great actually.

Yeah, he read a lot of books
about female anatomy.

There you go.
You were probably better off.

My moves at the time
were quite basic.

-You know,
three pumps and done?
-Gross.

I'’ve gotten better since then,
though... at sex.

-But not talking.
-[laughing]

You know, it'’s not that
I didn'’t ever notice you.

I'’d see you reading
or whatever, and...

Ugh, I don'’t know,
this is gonna sound corny,

but... you had
a certain beauty
in your solitude.

Um...

you know,
try not to look
into this, but...

[chuckling]

...do you maybe wanna
get out of here?

Whoo! Yeah!

What is wrong with me?

No, no, no,
I thought she was gonna
knock over that tree.

With that bony ass?

She has nowhere
the amount of force

or weight necessary to move
that sort of mass.

Okay, no,
that was bad timing.

No, that was bad timing, it was
a half-second of distraction.

No, you know what?
Guys don'’t ever mature.

Like, look at my dad.

Just, all men are ruled
by their dicks.

They have one dick
driving the boat,

and then they have
all these thousands
of little dicks in their head,

-just telling the big dick
where to go, so...
-Okay.

Can you not make this
more than it has to be?

What can I do?

You can hit on Brandy.
For real.

-No, I'’m serious.
-Come on.

-Come on.
-No, I'’m serious.

You'’re a lady-killer,
right? Yeah.
And you'’re great at sex.

And you two still have
some sort of chemistry going on,
and...

it'’ll be one last test.

Because if
she hooks up with you,

then she shows
her true colors, and I win.

But if she turns you down,
then I get to see you rejected,
and I still win, so...

it'’s a win-win for me.

And you'’d rather see me do that

than continue
whatever is going on here?

Yeah.

-I really need to know.
-Really?

Fine.

Ah... by the way,

nobody turns this down.

You'’re the worst.

Hey!

Oh!

[laughing]

[dance music playing]

Cover your dongs, gentlemen.

-[hollers]
-Open the door.

[Brandy]
What the...

What the hell are you doing?

What are you doing
in a bathroom stall with Josh?

We'’re having a smoke. Why?

What did you think
we were doing?

Wait a second, you thought
we were hooking up in there?

I can'’t believe that
you would think so low of me

that you think
I would cheat on your dad.

I would never cheat on your dad
because I care about him,
and I respect him.

I would never jeopardize
what we have

by banging
the guy who didn'’t get
the Jeep commercial.

-Hey.
-Yeah, he'’s way hotter
than a guy in a Jeep ad.

Yeah, thank you.

What?

Wait,

is he the reason
for all of this?

God, you don'’t even
remember, do you?

What?

I told you
that I had a crush on him.

I opened my fragile
teenage heart to you,

and instead
of being a good friend,

you yanked his crank
right in front of me.

I didn'’t think
it was a big deal.

I mean, you never said anything.

I was hurt.

Because you made me think that

I wasn'’t good enough for him.

Did you even notice
that you and I

stopped hanging out
completely after that?

It'’s just,
I thought you were busy

with college applications

-and Peter Grumbauer.
-[door opening]

Whoa.

Was I an insensitive
bitch to you?

Those are a few words for it.

Just a selfish, teen monster.

I'’ll allow it.

Emma, I'’m sorry. Truly.

Thank you.

Emma, I really hope
that you can forgive me.

It was a long time ago,
so, maybe I can try.

Okay, because really,
like, there'’s no reason

for us to be fighting
over this Riverdaleextra.

Justin Timberlake backup dancer.

You'’re starting
to hurt my feelings.

We are two strong,
independent women.

We are-- are too smart

to let some guy come between us.

Yes, absolutely!

-Totally agree.
-Great.

So you'’ll stop seeing my dad?

I'’m sorry,
what did you just say to me?

So you'’ll stop...
seeing my dad.

-Did you hear this chick?
-[Josh] Mmm.

[laughing]
Wow!

Cool, so you--
Nothing has changed, huh?

Yeah, you are still
the same judgy, petty,

passive-aggressive A-hole
you were ten minutes ago.

The same girl who spent
the entire week slut-shaming me

and calling me stupid.

Do you know what'’s stupid?
Being mean-spirited

and trying to shut people out
who just want you to like them.

And do you know what happens
to people like you?

They end up alone.

God, I have done nothing
but try to be kind to you,

and I'’ve taken
a ton of shit from you,

so guess what?

I am done!

I am done
trying to win you over.

In fact, no,
I am done with you, period.

Okay, well, I may have
taken things too far...

You know, I was never
competing with you
for your dad'’s attention,

but if you are psycho enough
to think that I'’m trying
to steal him away from you,

then fine! Huh?

Maybe I'’ll do that!

Yeah! You know, we talked
about him retiring early

-and moving
to Los Angeles.
-What?

Mmm, the West Coast sounds
pretty fantastic
right about now.

If you wanna go
to war with me...

-I will win.
-Okay, let'’s not get crazy--

Oh, you haven'’t seen
crazy yet, missy!

I once beat Megan Thee Stallion

in a titty twister contest!

Guard your titties, bitch!

Didn'’t think that one through.

-[line ringing]
-Pick up the phone.

[line ringing]

[Charlyne]
So, what is happening exactly?

Well, I woke the sleeping giant,

and the Sasquatch is coming
to destroy my life.

Brandy?

[Charlyne]
Where is she?

Lurking, biding her time

for the perfect moment

to twist my titties.

Okay, is Josh there?

Mmm, yeah.

Put him on.

Hey.

Hey!

It'’s for you.

Trade.Oh.

She obviously can'’t drive home.

-Yeah.
-Can you take care of her?

Help her sober up
before you put her in a car
so she doesn'’t go home drunk?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, she can crash
on my couch.

-I live above the bar.
-Okay.

But I'’m trusting you
with my friend,

so if you take advantage
of her in any way,

I will make balloon animals
out of your wiener.

Did you two go
to the same finishing school?

Shut up.

She'’s great.

I'’ll take that.That'’s not fair.

"Donkey."

[gurgling]
Oh.

-[laughing]
-Oh...

God, this is your fault.

How is this my fault?

Oh, it'’ll come to me.
Just give me a minute.

Ah, well,
you can sleep on the couch.

-[shoes thudding]
-Nice.

I like to keep my place tidy.

Lame.

[chuckling]
Terrible striptease.

Just awful.

Okay.

-This?
-Mmm-hmm.

[Josh]
Yeah, I'’ll take the couch.

Josh? Hey.

[sighing]

Hey, you all right?

Wait, are you sober?

As a judge.Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

♪ Hands up♪

♪ Guard dropped♪

♪ Heart stopped♪

♪ Tiptoe♪

♪ So slow♪

♪ Trying to steal your heart♪

Wait, this is consensual?

Very.

♪ Hands up♪

♪ Guard dropped♪

♪ Don'’t stop♪

Just triple-checking
this is consent.

I'’m initiating,
and you'’re consenting, right?

Yeah.Okay.

♪ She said "Kiss me"♪

♪ Slowly♪

♪ I don'’t wanna go too fast♪

[Emma sighing]

♪ Stay here♪

♪ So near♪

♪ Make this last♪

♪ Love♪

♪ How am I♪

♪ Hands up♪

♪ Guard dropped♪

♪ Don'’t stop♪

Hey.

What'’re you doing?

I'’m gonna head out.

Really?
What time is it?

Early.

[chuckling]
Why don'’t you just stay here?

No, I gotta go face
Dad and Brandy.

She was really mad last night.

Yeah. It'’ll be all right.

Just be yourself.

Or...

actually be
the opposite of that.

Wait, hold on.

You know, that was...

that was really something.

Was it?

Yeah.

It... wasn'’t it?

So, when you mentioned
the camera
and your photography...

why'’d you let me
underestimate you like that?

[sighing]

Mmm, I don'’t know.
Sometimes it'’s easier

to let people believe
what they want about you.

You know, it takes work
to really get to know someone.

Yeah, well,
who wants more work?

Yeah.

Isn'’t that what
life'’s about, though?

People?
Connection?

I don'’t know, maybe.

All right, well,
I think I have everything,

and I'’m not doing that thing
where I leave something behind.

Eh, it doesn'’t really matter.

If you wanna see someone again,
you can find a reason.

-All right, well...
-What?

Hold on one sec.

[chuckling]

Am I missing something here?

No, I'’ll just...
I'’ll see you around.

-I can walk you out.
-No, I'’ve got it.

Okay.

Damn it.

[sleigh bells jingle]

[door closing]

Hey, Dad, are you here?

Is everything okay?

[Brandy]
Yeah, yeah, whoo!

-Everything all right?
-[Brandy] Love that!

-Aah!
-No, no, no, no, no!

No! Erase! Erase!

Erase! Erase!

Monkey!

Um, I'’ll be there in a second.

-No!
-♪ The itsy-bitsy-spider♪

-Are you insane?
-♪ Went up the water spout♪

♪ Down came the rain and...♪

You made Addy watch?

We didn'’t know
you were in the house.

I mean, you really should
announce your presence.

Oh, I'’m sorry,
I was expecting to come home

on Christmas Eve
and go ice skating

with my father
like we do every year.

But instead I find
you and him going at it

like you'’re
in the Home Depot stock room.

So excuse me, this is--

This is human nature.

We are in an adult relationship,

and you should
probably get used to it.

I need to have
a private conversation
with my father for a moment.

-Family talk.
-Uh, no.

This is not family time, see?

This is sexy time.

And you are not
a part of sexy time.

Actually, you are not
a part of this relationship.

-You'’re not a part
of this family.
-Whoa!

That'’s enough,
both of you. Stop it.

Look, none of us are happy
with the current situation,

including me.

But this is our reality,

and we have to find a way
to work through it.

Okay, but your daughter is
the one who has to work
through her issues, okay?

Starting with codependency.

Oh, you two think that you don'’t
have any issues as a couple?

Really? I mean, sure,
I guess the sex is good now,

but do you really think

that she'’s not going
to get bored with you

and leave you
for a younger guy?

I don'’t think
that'’s any of your business.

Oh, maybe he'’ll leave you first.

Because you and my dad'’s
Venn diagram has no overlap.

Have you even seen
The Godfather?

Didn'’t think so.

And can you name one band

in the last five years?

I'’m not even gonna
let you answer that.

Brandy doesn'’t like Moscato.

And Dad doesn'’t like
those hipster shirts
that you buy him.

You don'’t?

He'’s not selling
organic Popsicles in Brooklyn.

All right, Emma, that'’s enough,
all right? Stop it.

Dad, are you really
moving to Los Angeles?

Our people don'’t
belong in the sun.

We'’re just one big melanoma.

And, Brandy,
have you thought about kids

-and whether or not
you even want them?
-Okay.

-Because my dad has
already had his family.
-Emma, not another word.

-But we'’re not done talking.
-Yes, we are.

-Dad.
-Go to your room.

[soft Christmas music]

[soft Christmas music]

[church bell ringing]

-I'’m concerned.
-Why?

I don'’t think
I should be here.

I didn'’t think you would come,
so thank you.

Come on in.Great.

You look like
a Hot Topic threw up on you.

I did buy this there.

Okay. Oh, God.

Hey, Charlyne.
So nice you could join us.

-Yeah, I...
-Your family probably
misses you.

Oh, no, they probably
haven'’t even noticed yet.

They are a mess.

Why don'’t we get started
opening presents?

[overlapping chatter]

-Hi.
-Let'’s see who goes first.

-Welcome.
-[Jack] I will.

Uh... yeah.

Huh, I wonder
who this is from.

Oh...

Wow.

Thanks, hon.

Yeah, sure.

Let'’s see.
Your turn, Emma.

"From Emma."

Aw, I love you.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Let'’s see.

What'’s this?

I put a down payment
on the lake house.

You what?

With some savings
and my inheritance from Mom.

Why'’d you do that?

Because it belongs
in our family.

It'’s the place
where we were the happiest.

This is... too much.

This is all... too much.

You can'’t--
You can'’t buy a house

just to recapture
your childhood memories

or re-imagine us
as some kind of idyllic family.

That is how I remember us.

Your mom and I did not have
a perfect marriage.

We had our problems,
like anyone else.

What kind of problems?

Why is she acting like
she knows something I don'’t?

Because secrets are meant
to be kept secrets.

Your mom had an affair
when you were in high school.

Fuck me.

-With who?
-It doesn'’t matter,

and it wasn'’t for very long,
and we worked our way
through it.

I believe
we were truly happy again
before she passed away.

And you never told me?

It wasn'’t something you had
to deal with,

and I didn'’t
want it to affect
how you felt about your mom.

But you told Brandy.

No, I didn'’t.

My mom talked to you about it.

When you two had
your secret talks.

-You'’re a better friend
to my mom than I ever was.
-Oh, Emma, that'’s not true.

You know both of my parents
better than I ever did,

you'’re more
part of this family
than I am.

No.

I loved your mom so much.

But she'’s gone now.
She'’s not coming back.

I'’m just trying to move forward.

You two don'’t make any sense.

Maybe you'’re right.

You made
some good points last night.

There are a lot of reasons
why we don'’t work on paper.

And she might
leave me someday.

But that'’s a risk
I'’m willing to take

so I can spend
another minute with her,

because...

I love her.

[chuckling]
I love you.

-Dad!
-Emma, no!

You say what you need to say.
Say it now.

This is the kind of future
that you want?

I don'’t know
if I can be a part of it.

So you'’re saying
it'’s between you and her.

-That'’s not what she's saying.
-That'’s exactly what I'm saying.

Zip it, traitor.

Can'’t you see that
Brandy is, like,

a serial killer?

She'’s trying
to destroy our family,

and it'’s working!
She'’s winning!

It'’s a Christmas Day massacre!

[mouthing silently]

Emma...

what are you talking about?

No, no, she'’s right.

I can'’t do this.

I can'’t come
between you and Emma.

I saw my family break apart,
and it was devastating.

Both my parents started
new families, and I--

I fell through the cracks.

So I have felt that distance.

That absence.

And I wouldn'’t
wish it on anyone.

Not even you.

Hold on.
Hold on.

That situation isn'’t
anything like this.

This is you and me.

Wait.

Please, stay.

I can'’t.
I have to go.

-[door slams]
-Dad...

J-- Just don'’t.

-You know what I mean, right?
-No, I don'’t, you freak!

Brandy is not
destroying your family.

That'’s what you're doing.

[soft music]

♪ It'’s Christmas
And I'’m hoping♪

♪ That you'’ll see me...♪

♪ By New Year'’s Eve
We might just♪

♪ Be a thing♪

♪ Come Valentine'’s Day♪

♪ I might have
The strength to say♪

♪ I'’ve loved you
From the very beginning♪

♪ All this magic on the ground♪

♪ Has got me wishin'’♪

♪ That we won'’t melt away♪

♪ Before we start♪

♪ There is just one thing♪

♪ That this holiday'’s
Been missin'’♪

♪ And that'’s you
Beneath these lights♪

♪ Holdin'’ my heart♪

♪ If there was ever the time♪

♪ That I could tell you♪

Okay, so if you...

♪ Just what I think♪

♪ About you, babe♪

[phone ringing]

♪ I guess it'’s in this moment♪

♪ With me and the snow fallin'’♪

♪ And I'’m praying that♪

Sorry...

♪ You'’ll feel the same way♪

♪ I'’ve gotten really good♪

♪ At wrapping up my feelings♪

♪ In the pretty little bow♪

♪ Under the tree...♪

Hey, Charlyne.

Oh, hi, guys.

♪ If there was ever a time♪

♪ That I could tell you♪

♪ Just what I think
About you, babe♪

♪ I guess
It'’s in this moment♪

♪ With me
And the snow fallin'’...♪

Come on, you'’re really never
gonna talk to me again?

Haven'’t decided yet.

Seriously?

I'’m sorry for subjecting you
to the Christmas Day Massacre

and for not listening to you
when you were clearly
the voice of reason.

Go on.

You were right.
About everything.

Leave us.

I'’m the killer.

I tried to kill
Dad and Brandy'’s relationship.

Then Brandy sacrificed
her own happiness

just to protect
my relationship with my dad.

So, I guess
if I was setting up a test

to see if she was
a good person,

she passed.

She makes my dad happy.

That'’s all I want for him.

Hallelujah, there is
hope for you yet.

And now I know exactly
what I need to do.

Uh-oh, when you sound
so certain,

it'’s certain to be a disaster.

I'’m going to get them
back together.

For Christ'’s sakes, you...

still aren'’t getting it.

If your dad and Brandy
wanna be together,

it'’s up to them, not you.

You can'’t go around
manipulating people

like a little blazer-wearing
puppet master.

I need to butt out
and leave them alone.

Yes.

Geez, how did I even
get to this place?

Uh, neuroses plus narcissism.

You know,
you can take a night off

from being
the consummate truth-teller.

I'’m sorry, it's a curse.

Have you talked to your dad?

We'’re giving each other
some space at the moment.

That'’s probably not a bad idea.

You know, when I went
on that research retreat,

we were exploring
building electric cars
in small villages in Africa.

The company offered
to relocate me to Botswana.

Yeah?

Maybe I should
do that.

I would miss you like crazy.

You too.

[fireworks whistling,
booming on radio]

[woman on radio] We'’re back
and coming to you live...

[soft music]

[line ringing]

[line ringing]

Hey, Dad...

I don'’t know if you're
still avoiding me, or...

maybe you'’re
at the New Year'’s Eve benefit.

Anyway, I-I just wanted to talk

before I leave for Africa.

Okay, bye.

Shouldn'’t you be inside?

Yeah.

So, why are you
hanging out here?

Well, I haven'’t
seen her since...

Well...

So...

So...

I was a real asshole.

Yep, grade-A shitbag.

Can you ever forgive me?

I think that'’s been
part of my job description

since the moment
you were born.

And, honestly,

I'’m probably not blameless
in this whole thing.

So, is blaming you an option?

Well, yeah.
I mean, what'’s it say
about a guy like me

who raised a shitbag like you?

I think maybe,
when Mom passed,

taking care of you
gave me a purpose.

It was easier
to worry about you

than to think about...

what I had lost or...

how I should move forward.

That makes two of us.

But we'’ll figure it out.

So you'’re nervous
about seeing Brandy?

Yeah, I don'’t know
what to say to her.

You'’ll know
when the moment comes.

Now, I'’m not interfering
in any way whatsoever.

But... maybe
we can walk in together?

Yeah, yeah.

[muffled music]

[louder music]

[playing outro]

[cheering and applause]

Awesome. Hey, guys,

just wanted to say
thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

And I would especially
like to thank

my co-host for the evening,
Jack Lockhart.

Jack, would you like to come up
and say a few words?

[applause]

Thanks, Brandy.

Um, good evening.
Thanks for coming.

Um, really all I want
to say is

all the credit
for this incredible evening
goes to Brandy,

who'’s shown nothing
but grace under pressure.

And, um,
getting here wasn'’t easy.

There were definitely
some bumps in the road.

But when aren'’t there?

When you'’re in the right car
from the right car company,

with the right people,
the ride'’s worth a few bumps,

and we'’re all here
together tonight.

So, well, heck, happy New Year!

Have a good evening, everyone!

[cheering and applause]

[applause continues]

When you said there were
gonna be bumps in the road,

you meant the one giant bump,
the-- the human

[over P.A.]
lump of-- of pus.

[Jack]
I don'’t think she's gonna
give us a hard time anymore

and nothing she said changes

how you and I feel
about each other.

Do you think that maybe
she might'’ve been right

about certain things, though?

I don'’t like Moscato.

I'’m more of a cheap beer
kind of girl.

Okay.

-Trip to the liquor store.
Problem solved.
-Yeah.

I'’m not that crazy
about the shirts you gave me.

I'’m more of a blue
button-down kind of guy.

That'’s fine.
I wasn'’t trying to change you.

-I don'’t think
I wanna move to Los Angeles.
-Oh, okay.

-I think I might want kids.
-Mmm...

[over P.A.]
We can talk about that.

[Brandy]
I mean, I don'’t know for sure,

because I still sprint
to the drugstore
if the condom breaks,

for the Plan B pills.

Um, noted.
Better condoms.

Uh, I don'’t think
we'’re gonna have

to think about that
for a few years.

-And by then,
I'’ll be impotent.
-Important!

What is so
important about tonight,

[over P.A.]
uh, is the urgent cause

that we are
all here to address,

our city'’s homeless community.

So thank you all
for your donations,

-and why don'’t
you give yourselves...
-What?

...another round
of applause for that?

[applause]

-I would also like
to thank Brandy...
-[mouthing] What?

...for being
a true force
of nature.

You all heard
what she feels about me.

I mean, don'’t get me wrong,
she, uh,

really got under my skin.

I mean, sometimes
you just wanna strangle her

until the breath
leaves her body.

[woman]
Oh, that'’s the human
lump of pus!

[laughter]

But, I mean,
you have to respect someone
who means what she says,

means well,
and makes the people
that I love happy.

And I think,
maybe in another life,

we might'’ve been friends.

Uh, '’cause that's
what life'’s about, right?

People and connection.

I know it'’s getting
close to midnight, so,

why don'’t we put
the past behind us

and say hello to the future?

-Happy New Year!
-[all] Ten, nine...

So we have a lot
of obstacles to overcome.

-...six, five...
-We do.

...four, three, two, one!

-Happy New Year!
-[all cheering]

[soft music]

[distant car horn honking]

[car door closing]

-Still drive that thing?
-Yeah.

If it ain'’t broke,
why fix it?

So, what'’re you doing here?
I saw you leaving the bar.

I realized you--

you left something
at my place.

Mmm, no, I don'’t think so.

Yeah, yeah, you did.

Pretty sure I didn'’t.

[chuckling]
Then what'’s this?

Your hairless cat?

Right.Yeah.

Thank you.And...

Mmm-hmm?Your Fabergé egg.

I was wondering
where that went.

Thank you.Yes, and...

a limited edition
Goblet of Fire.

Oh, wow.Yeah.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, you'’re welcome.

You'’re so weird.
[chuckling]

You know, I needed these
before I leave.

Yeah.
Africa, huh?

Yeah.Whoa.

-That feels sudden.
-Yeah.

Sometimes you just
need a change.

Yeah.

You know,

I'’ve always wanted
to go to Africa.

Shoot giraffes.
Pictures, photos, yeah.

Thank you for clarifying.

How about you take me with you?

You serious?

Yeah... I am.

Now that sounds like
a true crime murder mystery.

-We both go on a safari,
but only one of us comes back?
-Mmm-hmm.

Just to be clear,
I would be the murderer,
and you would be the "murderee,"

because I know
37 different ways that
you can poison someone

without leaving a trace.

[car horn honking]

Babe, watch this.

Hey, kid,
you'’re blocking the driveway.

Dad.

You break my daughter'’s heart,
and I'’ll kill ya.

Hey, leave them alone.
He wants to kiss her.

God, you ruin everything.

[Josh]
Actually, you ruin everything.

Seriously, move out
of the driveway. Go on, get.

♪ ...season
That gives me hope♪

♪ There is a reason♪

♪ For all that
We'’ve been through♪

♪ That something new'’s
Around the corner♪

♪ Everybody'’s laughing♪

♪ Leaving what'’s past
There in the past♪

♪ And I'’m so glad
I'’m sitting next to you♪

♪ Glad that we had
Made it through this year♪

♪ Everybody come together♪

♪ Focus on what matters♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ No time like the present♪

♪ To lay down our defenses♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo doo-doo-doo♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo doo-doo♪

♪ We don'’t have
To be alone, oh no♪

♪ No, we'’re dreaming
About tomorrow♪

♪ Watching the snow fall
Out the window♪

♪ I'’ve got a new ambition
No more wishing♪

♪ I'’ll be by your side
This year♪

♪ Everybody come together♪

♪ Focus on what matters♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ Everybody come together♪

♪ Focus on what matters♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ No time like the present♪

♪ To lay down our defenses♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo doo-doo-doo♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo doo-doo-doo♪

♪ We don'’t have
To be alone, oh no♪

♪ Everybody come together♪

♪ Focus on what matters♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ No time like the present♪

♪ To lay down our defenses♪

♪ We don'’t have to be alone♪

♪ We can make this place
A home this year♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh♪

[song ends]