All language subtitles for MacGruber.S01E02.720p.PCOK.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

- This is the story
of the greatest man

to ever walk the earth,

MacGruber.

Go get it, Bailey.

- Nightingale is secure.

- She's all good, Mr. President.

- Thanks, Ronnie.
Hey, grab a cookie.

- John, are you gonna
come help me

or am I gonna have to decorate
this whole tree all by myself?

- I'm sorry, hon.
I-I gotta finish up

a little light reading
from the Joint Chiefs.

- Bah humbug.

North Pole, Santa speaking.

Hello, Mr. President.

- Who the hell is this?

- Bailey...

Bailey!

- You take from me,
I take from you.

- Lucy.

- Bailey?

- Go, go, go!

- Are you sure about this, sir?

- No, Major, I'm not.

This son of a bitch
is our only hope.

- And what if he says no?

- Then God help us.

- He's been in and out
of the special housing unit

since he got here.

He's what we like to call
a "problem inmate."

- Why is that?

- Let's just say...

he doesn't play well
with others.

- Shit.

- Fuck it. Just leave it, man.

- I'll go get it.

- Are you trying
to steal my ball?

See, it's on my side
of the yard,

so, the way I see it,

this is my ball now.

Good news is,
I'm gonna let you keep it.

The bad news?

I'm gonna shove it up your ass.

Do you like things up
your ass, boy?

Huh? I said,

do you like things up your ass?

- I like things in my butt.

- What the fuck you just say?

- Thought I was speaking
pretty clearly.

I said,
"I like things in my butt."

So why don't you
leave the kid alone

and come put your little
rubber ball up inside me?

Did you hear that,
you fucking piece of shit?

- You got a death wish, man?
- Why, are you a genie?

- No, I'm the guy who's gonna
pound your fucking face in.

- Nice to meet you, guy who's
gonna pound my fucking face in.

My name is let the kid go

or I'll kill you
and all your fucking friends

Love Hewitt.

But, hey, we're getting off
track here, bud.

You got a perfectly nice ball,

and I have a desire
to have that ball up my butt.

So I guess the only question is:

are you gonna jam it up
there or am I?

Lucky me.

We done here?

Hit him!

- God damn it, Pierce.
Shut this down now.

- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, son.

I'd like to see this.

- Pretty satisfying
main course so far.

Hope you saved room for dessert.

Or should I say... dis dirt!

Throat rip!
Throat rip, throat rip!

- Is this what you want?

- Yeah!
- Is it?

- Shut it down.

- Sorry, bud, but for you,

that's all she throat.

Open 104.

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't my old friend,

Lieutenant Colonel
Barrett Fasoose.

It's General Fasoose now.

- Sorry, General.

Who's the cherry?

- Major Harold Kernst, NSA.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.

- Save the fuckin'
Boy Scout shit for someone

who gives a flying funk.

- I'll cut to the chase.

We need you, MacGruber.

- Of course you do.

- The government is prepared
to release you from prison,

restore your pension,
and grant you a full pardon.

- Oh, a full pardon!

You mean, for a crime
I didn't commit?

- You killed an unarmed man

in front of 75 people
at your own wedding.

- Unarmed?

He shot a rocket-propelled RPG
at our wedding pagoda!

- You could've just
arrested him.

Instead you threw him
off a cliff,

riddled him with bullets,

and urinated on his corpse.

- Cunth deserved everything
he got, and you know that.

- Well, the jury
felt differently.

- Well, fuck the fucking jury.

- Look, Mac,
I understand you're angry,

but we're offering you
a way out here.

And this one comes
all the way from the top.

- The President?

Oh, my God.

I-I've been waiting
for this day for ten years.

Oh, my God, I'm a free man.

- There's a catch.

It's a suicide mission, Mac.

Major, give us a second.

- Sir.

- In exactly 46 hours,

there's going to be
a hostage exchange.

- And I'm the hostage.

- The kidnappers
requested you specifically.

- Flattering.

- They left this as
some kind of calling card.

Said it would explain
your death sentence.

Look familiar?

Never seen it before.

- Shame, 'cause this is
all we've got.

- Well, sucks to be you.

Look, super tempting offer,

but it's a hard pass.

- Mac, it's not for me.
It's for your country.

- Oh, for my country, huh?

Let me tell you a little
something about my country.

I risked my life for my country.

I saved her from
a fuckin' nuclear holocaust.

And what did my country
do for me?

Destroyed my marriage,

took a dump
in my reputation's mouth,

and caged me like a wild animal.

So fuck my country!

And fuck you.

- Merry Christmas, MacGruber.

- Merry Christmas.

- Down now!

- Mommy!

- One flannel shirt.

One tan vest.

One pair of denim jeans.

One wedding ring, gold.

One pair of sunglasses.

One locket, gold.

One car stereo, Blaupunkt.

Sign on the line.

- Who let the dog out?

- This way, MacGruber.

- You wish.

- Sir, we have
strict instructions

to take you straight
to NSA headquarters.

- Well, I'm sure you do.

- I'm afraid
this isn't a request.

- Look...

I have one day left
on this Earth.

One fucking day.

Please let me
go say my goodbyes.

- Sorry. My hands are tied.

- I understand.

Shit. Shoelaces.

- Damn it. Call it in.

- Threat assessment.

Awareness, detection, response.

Always be on the lookout,

because if you're not
on your game,

that's you in a body bag.

So to recap,

U-turns are okay
at an intersection

unless a sign
explicitly prohibits it.

Any other questions on U-turns?

- I have a question.

- What the hell
are you doing here?

- What happens if
you've, uh, done something

that you regret
with all your heart?

Something that made one of
your most dependable allies

lose faith in you.

Is it possible to, uh,

U-turn in that situation?

Like, say you murdered someone.

Someone who deserved it.

And then in court,
you got really scared,

like shit your pants scared.

So you pinned some of
the blame on your friend...

Who did throw you
the murder weapon, by the way.

But then that friend got kicked
out of the military,

was forced
to teach traffic school

to a bunch of fuckin' losers

'cause his life
went down the toilet.

Could that friend ever

U-turn his feelings

toward that friend
who fucked his life,

if that friend...
The first friend,

the accused murderer...

Was as sorry as
the sorriest person

ever in the history
of the universe?

Hello, Piper.

- Class dismissed.
- No, not dismissed.

Wait, Piper. Piper, bud!

Look, I blew it,
with a capital B.

- Blew it? You ruined my life.

You took away everything
I'd been working toward

and threw it in the garbage.

- Yeah, and then I went
to jail, dude.

- So did I!

Five years for aiding
and abetting.

And now, thanks to you,
I'm a convicted felon

and I'll never work
in the military again.

- No. For sure, you won't.

And I apologize
with my whole heart,

base to tip,

so you have to forgive me.

- No, MacGruber.
I will never ever forgive you.

- Never ever say never ever.

Remember I said
that to you once?

And you said it back to me
a couple days later?

Come here.

- Fuck you, MacGruber.

Thank you.

That's too much. Thank you.

- Fuckin' good.

I'd listen to that on the radio.

- Okay, give it up for

Victoria St. Elmo Fasoose.

- You liked it?
- Outstanding.

- Oh, my gosh! Are you sure?

- Outstanding.
- Oh, I was so nervous.

It wasn't too short?
- No.

- Oh, my gosh, I was so nervous.

You were great.

Oh, oh, yes.

Oh, right there.
Oh, that's amazing.

Oh, my king!
- So close, so close.

So close.
- Oh, you are my king!

- So close, so close.
Close, close, oh. Oh.

- Oh, you're my king. Oh.

- Bravo.

- MacGruber?

Oh. Oh!

- Hope I wasn't
disturbing anything.

- God damn it.

Where the hell
have you been, MacGruber?

Half of D.C.
is looking for you right now.

- Relax, I'm gonna do
your stupid ass mission.

- Maybe you've forgotten
how things work.

Remember protocol?
Chain of command?

God damn it, we expected you
at Langley this afternoon!

- And I expected me
to be married forever.

But my first wife got blown up
at the goddamn altar

and my second wife
left me to rot in prison

and is currently fucking
some shit-dick

who can barely get her off
in the sack three times.

So, sorry to break it
to you, General,

but things don't always go
as planned, do they?

Do they?

- It must've been hard to see.

- And hear

and smell.

- Look, Mac, you were given
a life sentence.

Victoria had to move on.

- Maybe I shouldn't have come.

- Where the hell you think
you're going?

- Don't worry. I'll be there.

- Mac, my ass
is on the line here...

- And my life is on the line!

I'll be there.

And, look,

I don't mind that you put
your penis in Vicki's vagina,

but put it in her heart too.

- You got it, Mac.

- So this is it?

- Barrett told you.

- Enough to know
that this might be

my last chance to say goodbye.

- Well, my country
has invited me to die for it,

and I RSVP'd, "Yas queen."

- Uncle Sam told you to jump

and you go get
your jumping shoes.

- Classic MacGruber.

- You don't have to do this.

- And what else do I have
to live for, huh?

A fucking concrete cell?

Anyway, I just wanted
to see you one last time

before I, uh, went away.

Look, Vic...

I made some mistakes.

- Are you referring to when
you blamed me

for Cunth's death at your trial?

- Yes.
- And you tried to persuade

the jury
that it was premeditated

and I planned the whole thing?

- Uh, uh, yes.
- And then when you

pushed for
the death penalty for me?

- Look, we're getting
in the weeds here.

I'm not proud of what I did.

But if it's any consolation,

I thought about you every
single second I was in jail.

And I understand why you never
came to visit or called.

And I truly accept your apology.

- I didn't apologize.
- Thanks.

And, look, Barrett,
he's a good man.

And just know, I don't mind

that he puts his penis
in your vagina.

But I hope that he puts it
in your heart too.

I just told him that but I
wanted you to hear it as well.

Good tidings, Vicki.

And I mean that.

The very best of tidings to you.

- Everyone, listen up.

This is our red zone.

A hundred square miles of open
desert with zero ground cover.

- The enemy will allow
one vehicle only

into our red zone, but we will
have eyes in the sky.

That means, triggers off fingers

unless ordered otherwise.

We need to be on our toes,
people,

'cause these are
some bad-ass hombres

and they have come to play.

- Why don't you just let them
finger your butt hole, General?

- MacGruber.

Nice of you to show up.

- You remember your butt hole,
don't you?

It's right around the corner
from the balls and penis

that were pumping
my wife last night.

- Mac, this isn't the time
or the place.

- You listen here, General.

I'm kidding, bud.

'Sup, gang?

MacGruber here.

The general's in a committed
relationship with my ex-wife

and last night,
I gave them my consent.

And I meant that, Barrett.

Look, I'm sorry
for interrupting.

I believe you're at the part

where you were just about
to explain

why you don't just let them
finger your butt hole.

Kidding. Continue.

- Thank you.

The attack on POTUS

was a highly coordinated strike,

using advanced TTP
and E&E capabilities.

So it's likely that our enemy
is ex-military.

Now, the exchange is set
for oh eight hundred.

- That's, uh, 8 a.m. o'clock.
Eight o'clock a.m.

- That's correct.
- Ante meridiem.

That's, uh, what a.m.
stands for.

- Right.
- I'd always wondered

what it stood for,
and so that's it.

You know, I looked it up.

Yeah.

Continue.

- E7 Davidson will lead
Fire Team Bravo

to the red zone where
the packages will be exchanged.

- Make no mistake, people,
this will be

the most important
rescue mission of your lives.

And I wanna thank Mac
for his sacrifice.

I know it wasn't
an easy decision.

- You mean the decision

to get killed by terrorists
and be dead forever?

- Yes.
- Well, you know...

Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.

But that's the life we chose.

Death is our job.

And I know that every man
or woman in this god damn room

would make the same
god damn decision

that I made 11 times
out of god damn 10.

And yeah, it's brave,
and it's commendable,

and it's patriotic as shit,

but it's also contagious
like the clap.

Because bravery begets bravery.

And yeah, this time, it's me.

But next time, it might be you.

Or you.

Or you. Or you. Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you.

Or you. You get the point.

Or you. Or you.

Or you. Or you. Or you. Or you.

You see what I'm saying?

Could be anyone of us.

It could be you in the back.

I haven't even looked
in the back.

Could be you in the suit.

You with the thinning hair.

Double chin.

Looking at frumpy dump
right there.

It could be you.

It could be anybody.

But this time, it's me.

This guy.

Please tell people I did this.

Thank you.

- Entering red zone.

Bravo Team, you're on your own.

- Fire Team Bravo in position.

- Copy that, Bravo Team.

Set the asset
and hold tight for package.

- Death, be not proud,

though some have called thee.

Mighty and dreadful,

but thou art not so.

For those who... thou...

Uh, who, thou, dost, uh

for... for those doust...

Fuck.

John Donne. John Donne.

It's been an honor...

- Eyes on target.

- Vehicle approaching from
the southwest.

- Who are you,
you son of a bitch?

Walk.

Stop.

Take off your clothes.

- Pardon?

- Take off your clothes.

- But, uh... can we talk
about this for a moment?

- Do it or the hostage dies.

- Underwear, too.

- Underwear, too.

Hands on your head.

- Oh, come on. Ha, ha, ha.

- Five, four...

Three, two...

- But I...

Fine, fine!

Fuckin' perv!

- Turn around.

- What? It's super fucking cold
out here!

Friggin' desert.

What the fuck?

You guys traded me
for a fucking dog?

Oh, you son of a bitch, Fasoose!

You fuckin' piece of shit!

Oh, and the president's
a piece of shit, too.

Fuck him and his stupid wife

and your stupid piece
of shit daughter.

Oh, oh, Jesus. It was a...

Okay, it was the daughter too.

Sorry about my language.

- Target acquired.

- We got her, Mr. President.

- General, thank you.

- Why don't you stay
for a little bit?

- Okay, light him up.

- But, sir,
what about MacGruber?

- I'm not gonna let
America's finest soldier

give up his god damn life to
a group of god damn terrorists,

so take the shot.

Is that clear, Major?

- Yes, sir.

Eagle One, engage target.

Roger that.

Command, command...

Something's wrong
with the controls. We can't...

- God damn it, take the shot.

- We can't, sir. They're
interfering with the signal.

We lost visual.

- Damn it.

- No.

No, it's not possible.

Queeth?

- Hello, MacGruber.