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1
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:10,224
[alarm blaring]
2
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,890
- Signal reestablished.
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:13,718
- Satellites just coming
back online, General.
4
00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:15,063
- Okay, people, we
need answers,
5
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:16,468
and we need them yesterday.
6
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:19,476
Do we have any idea who
these kidnappers are, major?
7
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:20,849
- No, sir.
They scrambled our comms
8
00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:21,895
before we could get a real ID.
9
00:00:21,938 --> 00:00:23,398
- What about a location?
10
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,860
- We dispatched two
recon drones
11
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,319
to try and track them down,
but nothing so far.
12
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:27,939
- So we don't know
who they are,
13
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,146
where they are,
14
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:32,155
or what they're planning
to do next?
15
00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:34,028
- No, sir.
16
00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:38,115
- Jesus.
17
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,463
What about MacGruber?
18
00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,461
- I'm sorry, sir.
We have to assume the worst.
19
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,295
Sir.
20
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:51,128
- Barrett.
21
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:53,848
- Honey,
now is not a good time.
22
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,427
- MacGruber's in trouble.
I can sense it.
23
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,602
I--I know I can help.
24
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,219
- There's nothing
you can do for him.
25
00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:00,436
- Come on, Barrett. I-I-I know
him better than anyone, please.
26
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,477
He was my mentor,
my first husband.
27
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,560
- Victoria.
- I know how he thinks.
28
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,436
I know how he moves.
- Victoria.
29
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,943
- He took both my virginities,
for God sakes.
30
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,994
- Victoria!
31
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,778
He's dead.
32
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:17,620
- What?
- MacGruber is dead.
33
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,040
I'm sorry.
34
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,749
- Sir.
- Not now, major.
35
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:24,709
- Sir, the president
is on the line.
36
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,131
- Victoria,
I have to take this.
37
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:29,259
Please, go home.
Don't worry.
38
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,627
Look, I'm gonna find
whoever did this,
39
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:32,224
and I'm gonna make them pay.
I promise.
40
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:35,218
[tense music]
41
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:42,351
* *
42
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:47,227
- [gasps]
43
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:53,363
* *
44
00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:56,365
[dramatic music]
45
00:01:56,408 --> 00:02:03,538
* *
46
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:20,346
- * MacGruber *
47
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:24,600
[fire crackling]
48
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:27,194
- * Happy birthday *
49
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:31,690
- * Happy birthday to you *
- * To you *
50
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:37,945
- Open.
- * Happy birthday to you *
51
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,201
- [echoing]
Queeth.
52
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,753
- Mommy!
53
00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:43,326
[gunshot]
54
00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,371
[dramatic music]
55
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:46,745
- MacGruber?
56
00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:49,041
- Mommy!
57
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:52,005
[tense music]
58
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:59,757
* *
59
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:01,774
Hello.
60
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,516
Hello.
61
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:07,149
I know you're out there,
Queeth.
62
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,477
Where are you,
you sack of shit?
63
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,903
- Well, look who's up.
64
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:18,872
* *
65
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,077
Hello, MacGruber.
66
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,407
Have a bad dream?
67
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,952
- No,
I had a fucking great dream.
68
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:27,366
Fucked your mom
and dad unprotected,
69
00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:29,575
came in both of them
a bunch of times.
70
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,286
- That sounds pretty wild.
71
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,456
- Oh, it was.
And it was so much better
72
00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,415
than the nightmare
you're about to have.
73
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,795
- Tell me about it.
- Oh, gladly.
74
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:40,142
It'll be a simple
two-step process
75
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:43,598
in which I get loose
and then do to you exactly
76
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,730
what I did to your folks,
mephorically, of course.
77
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,228
'Cause I wouldn't let my dick
78
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:52,439
get within 100 calendar feet
of your dirty butthole
79
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:53,982
- So we're calling that
a dick now?
80
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,895
- Oh, fuck you, Queeth.
81
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,454
You'll pay for what you did
to my family.
82
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,868
- Oh, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
83
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,077
- Oh, but you do.
84
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:03,657
As soon as I get out of here,
85
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,952
I'm gonna skin you
from stem to stern
86
00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:09,955
and leave your bloody carcass
to rot in the noonday sun.
87
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,790
And that's a promise.
88
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:14,455
- You got me quaking
in my boots.
89
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,514
Oh, where are my manners?
90
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,298
You got some old friends here
91
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,971
who just can't wait
to say hello.
92
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,140
* *
93
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:24,638
Master Sergeant Lon Vincente,
94
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:27,981
killed in action May 1, 1998.
95
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,558
- No.
96
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:34,272
- Sergeant Major Presley Dean,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
97
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:35,815
- [spits]
98
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:42,069
- Commander Baker Jaxx,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
99
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:47,155
Lieutenant Chance Tucker,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
100
00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:48,663
- Been too long.
101
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:53,875
- Captain Bex Dawson,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
102
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:57,708
I suspect you're detecting
a bit of a theme here.
103
00:04:57,756 --> 00:05:01,046
- Yeah, you guys are all still
super ugly as shit.
104
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:06,099
- You know, it feels
just like yesterday
105
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,429
that you left us all for dead
106
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:11,265
bleeding to death
in the burning-hot savannas
107
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,061
of Burkina Faso.
108
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,690
But it wasn't yesterday,
was it?
109
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:20,363
No, it was 20 years ago,
110
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,993
20 years of near
constant torture
111
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:27,042
in a secret prison camp
behind enemy lines.
112
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,997
- I guess that's what happens
to traitors.
113
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,748
- Traitors?
114
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,999
We were American soldiers
115
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:38,053
putting our asses on the line
for our country.
116
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,088
All we wanted
was our fair share.
117
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,381
Am I right?
118
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,474
[together]
Yes, sir.
119
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,089
- But you wouldn't
let that happen.
120
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:47,055
- Oh, well, ex-squeeze me if
I had a little problem with you
121
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:50,307
selling a chemical weapon
to the Russian government.
122
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:55,400
- We were never going to use
Brimstone, you fucking dolt.
123
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,108
No one was ever gonna die.
124
00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:01,398
But all that time we spent
rotting away in that prison,
125
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,244
we perfected the plan.
126
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,279
And now people will die.
127
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:09,124
- Looks to me like
you're forgetting one teeny,
128
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,290
tiny, little,
incredibly huge thing.
129
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:13,920
- Yeah? What is that?
130
00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:16,167
- There's only one person
in the world
131
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,039
who knows where Brimstone is.
132
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,166
And his name rhymes
with fuck you-ber.
133
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,264
And that man or woman--
134
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:24,759
could be a woman--
135
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,011
hid it in a very safe place.
136
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,853
So looks like you're
shit out of luck, bud,
137
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,769
'cause you're never, ever,
138
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,938
ever, ever, ever gonna--
139
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,397
[case clicks open]
Uh, what's that?
140
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,187
[tense music]
141
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,441
- Brimstone.
142
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:40,732
- No, it can't be.
143
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,525
- It can, and it is.
144
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,739
- You're lying.
145
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,278
You're tying play me
like a blank CD.
146
00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:49,282
But we all know what happens
to blank CDs.
147
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:51,865
They get burned.
148
00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:54,254
- Okay.
149
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,789
Well, if this isn't Brimstone,
150
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,303
then why am I gonna kill you
right now?
151
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:03,417
- You're not, right?
152
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:07,295
- Perhaps you remember your
old friend, Constantine Bach.
153
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,974
Constantine.
154
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:13,022
* *
155
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,348
- No.
156
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,312
* *
157
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,563
- Hello, MacGruber.
158
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,015
- But you're dead.
159
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,855
- No, he survived that
explosion at Cunth's compound.
160
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,151
His eyes didn't, however,
161
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,315
which is why he requested
personally
162
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,204
to kill you himself.
163
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,700
I just wish he could see
what he's about to do to you.
164
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:34,954
* *
165
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:37,826
Well, we're off to make merry.
166
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,094
- Hey, Queeth, one more thing.
167
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,589
Go fuck yourself.
168
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,681
- Another home run.
169
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,046
Have you been working on these?
170
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:49,433
- I sure have.
171
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,809
And I don't accept
your compliment.
172
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,176
- Goodbye, MacGruber.
173
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,984
[dramatic music]
174
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,398
Constantine, he's all yours.
175
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,767
- Fuck you!
176
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,404
You won't get away with this!
177
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,860
I'm gonna get outta here,
and I'm gonna stop you!
178
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,412
Fuck you!
- Ready the choppers.
179
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:13,026
* *
180
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,866
- [cackling]
181
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,377
[upbeat Christmas music]
182
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,710
[radio chatter]
183
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:28,295
- What is all this crap
we're hauling anyway?
184
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,801
- No idea.
185
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,013
But it's important enough
for me to get an H2 clearance
186
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,433
and miss
my daughter's birthday.
187
00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,601
- Oh, that's too bad, man.
How old is she?
188
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,561
- She's 8 going on 18.
189
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:41,481
- [laughs]
190
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,441
Aw, she's a cute kid.
191
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:45,652
* *
192
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,992
Gonna need therapy, though.
193
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,528
- Wait, why would you say...
194
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,872
[dramatic music]
195
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,829
- The partridge
is in the pear tree.
196
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,000
- Wonderful.
197
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,078
Tell the reindeer
to turn that sled around.
198
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:04,044
- Copy that.
199
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,086
- * Free *
200
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,261
- * When we hear *
201
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,930
* The voices sing *
202
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,929
* The book of love
will open up *
203
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,521
* And let us in *
204
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,677
* *
205
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,975
Thanks for coming.
206
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,848
- Your message sounded
pretty urgent.
207
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,606
- Piper, MacGruber's dead!
208
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:29,819
Ohh, he's dead! Ah!
209
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,031
[phone beeps]
210
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,991
They asked him to do
a suicide mission.
211
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:36,031
And he RSVP'd, "Yass, queen."
212
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,196
He didn't tell you?
213
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,414
- I didn't let him.
214
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,537
- Ohh.
215
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,422
We used to make love
to this song.
216
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,589
- Mm.
217
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:46,837
- Me and MacGruber.
218
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,208
- Yeah, I got it.
219
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:52,264
- Oh, he was such
a giving partner.
220
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:56,260
He never wanted me
to have to do any of the work.
221
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,644
Sometimes he would even tell me
222
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,721
to not talk
so he could picture something.
223
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,386
- Nice.
224
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,524
- Probably just the two of us
on a hike or swimming at the Y.
225
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,436
We would build
to this crescendo,
226
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:14,204
and he would generously finish
for the both of us.
227
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,489
And then use the restroom.
228
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:16,372
- Okay.
229
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:19,238
- Be in there for a while.
230
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,705
Then he would come,
and in his best
231
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:27,207
Jim Carry voice he would say,
"Do not go in there."
232
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,252
- Cool.
- He would shake my hand,
233
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:35,135
ask me to leave,
and then hug me with one arm.
234
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,636
It was pure bliss.
235
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,719
- Yeah, it sounds--yeah.
236
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,024
- * The book of love
will open up *
237
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,688
- Whoo! Come on, Piper.
Let's go.
238
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:45,808
Let's celebrate.
239
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:46,944
- Vicki, you don't
have to do this.
240
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,320
- Don't have to what, Piper?
Be happy?
241
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:54,278
I have a wonderful husband
and a big, glitzy house,
242
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,910
and I don't ever
have to work again.
243
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:58,577
And no more getting shot at,
and no more risking my life
244
00:10:58,616 --> 00:10:59,906
to save the world.
245
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:02,951
I have the best job ever now.
246
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,496
I'm a wife.
247
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,209
* *
248
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,000
I'm really happy.
249
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,134
- Ohh.
250
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,631
* *
251
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,513
- He needed us.
252
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,970
He needed us.
253
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,812
- * Baby *
254
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:24,387
- Okay. Okay, what you need
is some sleep.
255
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,444
- Yeah.
256
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:26,727
- So let me
take you home, okay?
257
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,940
- Yeah.
- All right.
258
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,691
- What kind of car do you have?
259
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,653
[tense music]
260
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,824
* *
261
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:36,992
- Ahh!
262
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,240
- Ah, there he is.
263
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,992
* *
264
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,655
Shall we begin?
265
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,674
I made these
especially for you, MacGruber.
266
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,577
- Oh, God.
267
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:51,165
- And I can't wait to use them.
268
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,711
- Constantine, come on, buddy.
269
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:54,304
What's the rush, right?
270
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,509
You know, you should grab a few
Molsons and pull up a chair.
271
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,350
I'll just hang here literally.
[chuckles]
272
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,177
But seriously,
let's catch up, huh?
273
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:07,813
- I've thought about this day
for 11 years.
274
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,022
- I've thought about it too.
275
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,323
'Cause I knew that this would
be the day that you forgave me
276
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,818
for getting your eyes
all blown up to shit.
277
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:19,530
Look, I got some buds
in the optical industry.
278
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,702
So why don't you let me out
of here,
279
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,081
and we can go get you
a brand-new set of peepers
280
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,329
for those eye stumps of yours,
huh?
281
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,831
Any color you want.
282
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:31,382
And I promise you
from the bottom of my heart
283
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,838
I will not press charges.
284
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,417
You've done a lot
of very hideous things today
285
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:38,383
that are illegal, to be honest,
very illegal.
286
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,085
And I will not--
I'll overlook it.
287
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,885
I'll just like,
"Didn't happen."
288
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,219
- Sorry, MacGruber.
289
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:49,265
Now, what do I want
to start with?
290
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,897
Ah, this will do nicely.
291
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,900
[tense music]
292
00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:03,833
* *
293
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:08,407
I'm gonna carve you up
like a country ham.
294
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:12,575
And I'm gonna take it
nice and slow
295
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:16,455
so you can enjoy
every second of it.
296
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,474
- No, no, no.
Please, don't do this.
297
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,716
This isn't you.
You're better than this.
298
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:23,639
Be best. Be best.
299
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:27,428
- How about little music?
300
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,604
It tends to cover
the screaming.
301
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,773
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
302
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:41,111
Constantine, bud, on your way
to get that music going--
303
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,324
which by the way
I agree
304
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,534
is a great way
to cover up screaming--
305
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:47,164
could you pop into the other
room and get me a little water,
306
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,792
you know,
sparkling if you got it?
307
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,659
- Nice try, MacGruber.
308
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,076
- Shit.
309
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:56,044
- You know, after you
blinded me in that explosion,
310
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:58,336
it took me years to recover.
311
00:13:58,380 --> 00:13:59,800
- [grunting]
312
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,639
The only thing that got me
through was the thought
313
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:07,967
that one day I'd be able
to deliver to you
314
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,724
as much pain
315
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:14,436
as you gave me
over the last 11 years.
316
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,570
[twangy version
of "Skip To My Lou" playing]
317
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:22,397
Not my first choice,
but I'll live.
318
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:27,405
You on the other hand...
319
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:31,120
- * Guess who's out
of his restraints *
320
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:35,042
And I know you can't
see this, but...
321
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:37,003
- Fuck you too, MacGruber.
322
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:40,133
- Well, I guess I'm gonna
skedaddle on outta here.
323
00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:42,631
By the way, thanks for leaving
that scalpel right by
324
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:44,514
where my fucking hands were,
325
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,511
you fucking dumbass.
326
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,393
I mean, that was
the biggest dipshit move,
327
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,680
and I cannot wait
to tell Queeth about it
328
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,274
right before I rip out
his throat
329
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,399
and take a major dump
down his neck.
330
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:57,728
You know what
that's called, huh?
331
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:01,688
An upper-necker.
Yeah.
332
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:04,355
So, well,
guess I should be going.
333
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,784
Great to "see" you.
334
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:09,333
And yes, that is a dig
at the fact
335
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,367
that you don't have
usable eyes anymore.
336
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,041
Oh, and one more thing.
337
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:16,619
I am totally pressing charges.
338
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:17,996
Yeah.
339
00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:19,503
- [chuckles]
340
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,884
- So kiss my fucking butt,
341
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,971
'cause I am officially
outta here.
342
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,589
What the fuck?
343
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:30,925
- Maybe it's time we even
the playing field.
344
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:38,437
- Fuck.
345
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,946
- * Baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any wool? *
346
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:47,277
- Fuck. Fuck.
347
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:51,032
How the fuck do you
get out of this place? Shit.
348
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:53,446
- Hey, MacGruber.
349
00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:55,995
I went and got myself
a little toy.
350
00:15:57,499 --> 00:16:00,039
- Holy shit. A fire gun.
351
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,795
- A flamethrower.
- Yeah, a flamethrower.
352
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,417
- You know, the only good thing
353
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,884
about losing
one of your senses?
354
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:10,005
The other ones
grow much stronger.
355
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,973
You can smell better.
356
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,644
You can hear better.
357
00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,144
You can kill better.
358
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,395
- Ahh!
359
00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:21,016
[crickets chirping]
360
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,154
- It's the one with the ducks
on the door.
361
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,781
- Nice.
362
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,573
He's gone, Piper.
363
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,775
He's really gone.
364
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:33,866
- Mm.
365
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,748
- And he's never,
ever coming back.
366
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:41,039
- Hey, remember
what he always used to say.
367
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:44,344
"Never ever say never ever."
368
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:45,709
- He taught us so much.
369
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,877
He was the smartest man
that ever lived.
370
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:52,678
- Uh, yeah.
371
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,391
- I bet he's in heaven
right now
372
00:16:57,434 --> 00:17:01,234
fighting for justice
with Gandhi and Lady Di.
373
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:02,401
- I bet he is.
374
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,979
- You know, like,
if some bad guys got in,
375
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,275
like, they snuck in on, like,
a technicality
376
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,988
and they shouldn't have...
- Right.
377
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,569
- I bet he's punching them
in the face right now...
378
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,624
- Sure.
- Kicking them in the friggin'
379
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,698
butts and ribs
and pulling out their eyes.
380
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:20,117
[gentle music]
381
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:24,745
He always wanted to pull out
someone's eyes.
382
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,304
But he didn't get to.
383
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:28,838
I'm sorry.
384
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,302
I don't mean
to make this all about me.
385
00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:34,393
I know you're hurting too.
386
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:36,059
- Yeah.
387
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,017
- What do you think he'd be
doing to the bad guys up there?
388
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,226
- All the stuff that you said.
389
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:49,071
- That's so true.
390
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,240
Thanks, Piper.
391
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,118
- Look, you're gonna
get through this.
392
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:57,447
I know it's hard,
but just try to remember,
393
00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:58,794
he's in a better place.
394
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:01,038
- He's in a better place.
395
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,082
Okay.
396
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,969
[exhales]
He's in a better place.
397
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,971
[tense music]
398
00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:21,484
* *
399
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:27,518
- * MacGruber, where are ya? *
400
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:34,655
* *
401
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,553
-Our Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name.
402
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,047
Thy kingdom come;
thy will be done.
403
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:55,639
* *
404
00:18:55,677 --> 00:19:00,097
[whispering indistinctly]
405
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:03,640
* *
406
00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:08,105
- * Baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any wool? *
407
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:11,318
* Yes sir, yes sir,
three bags full *
408
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:12,819
- Gotcha!
409
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,741
Those stairs are a dead end,
MacGruber.
410
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,320
You're fucked now.
411
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,325
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
412
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,657
[fire whooshing]
413
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,083
- Fuck, fuck.
414
00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:29,541
* *
415
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:34,216
MacGruber,
I have a story for ya.
416
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:37,177
Long ago there was a king
417
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:42,058
with a very interesting way
of dealing with criminals.
418
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:46,388
He'd give them a choice
between two doors.
419
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:50,016
Behind one door
was a hungry lion
420
00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:54,105
who'd immediately tear
the criminal to pieces.
421
00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:57,412
Behind the other door
was a pot of gold.
422
00:19:57,447 --> 00:20:00,777
The criminal just had
to make the right choice.
423
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:03,745
- What's the play?
What's the fucking play?
424
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:07,917
- What choice are you
going to make, MacGruber?
425
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:11,957
Well, unfortunately for you,
426
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:15,013
in my version of the story,
427
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:17,678
there's a lion
behind both doors.
428
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,337
And guess what.
429
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,756
It's dinnertime.
430
00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:25,225
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
431
00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:30,806
Ahh! Ahh!
432
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:34,395
- Now,
that's a spicy meatball.
433
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,192
- [gasps]
434
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,446
[iron rattling]
435
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:41,118
- Oh, shit.
436
00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:42,657
Shit, shit, shit.
437
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:43,741
Ahh!
438
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:46,745
[gentle music]
439
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:53,918
* *
440
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:34,384
- [exhales]
441
00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:39,169
- [panting]
442
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:44,299
[coughing]
443
00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,386
So this is it.
444
00:21:46,431 --> 00:21:49,891
This is where he dies.
445
00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:52,484
So long, MacGruber.
446
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,900
You were one of the good ones.
447
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:02,817
At ease, soldier.
448
00:22:02,864 --> 00:22:08,834
We'll take it from here.
449
00:22:08,870 --> 00:22:11,830
[gentle music]
450
00:22:11,873 --> 00:22:19,013
* *
451
00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:37,773
- [coughing]
452
00:22:37,816 --> 00:22:44,946
* *
453
00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:47,738
[coughing]
454
00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:49,874
[grunts]
455
00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:52,541
[coughing]
456
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:54,250
Oh, thank God,
457
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,540
the light
at the end of the tunnel.
458
00:22:56,584 --> 00:23:00,714
[coughing]
459
00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:07,425
* *
460
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:12,270
[panting]
461
00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:19,228
* *
462
00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:25,361
[panting]
463
00:23:25,405 --> 00:23:28,315
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
464
00:23:28,366 --> 00:23:31,116
There's no chance
I won't make it now.
465
00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:32,251
[dramatic musical sting]
466
00:23:32,287 --> 00:23:33,657
Ahh!
467
00:23:33,705 --> 00:23:36,705
- What do you say we burn
in hell together, MacGruber?
468
00:23:36,750 --> 00:23:39,170
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
469
00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:41,550
- Ahh!
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
470
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:44,758
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ahh!
471
00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:48,759
* *
472
00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:51,263
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- No! No!
473
00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:57,346
* *
474
00:23:57,395 --> 00:23:59,685
- Ah-ha-ha!
475
00:23:59,731 --> 00:24:02,321
- [grunting]
476
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:03,859
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
477
00:24:03,902 --> 00:24:07,452
* *
478
00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:09,949
- Sleep well, my prince.
479
00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:12,451
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Goodbye, my love.
480
00:24:12,494 --> 00:24:14,624
Ahh!
481
00:24:14,662 --> 00:24:21,842
* *
482
00:24:30,095 --> 00:24:33,005
[dramatic music]
483
00:24:33,056 --> 00:24:38,846
* *
484
00:24:38,895 --> 00:24:41,055
- Ahh!
485
00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:45,939
[gasping]
486
00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:48,025
- Got a man down here.
487
00:24:48,071 --> 00:24:50,991
- [gasping]
488
00:24:52,784 --> 00:24:54,204
- Oh, my God, Constantine.
489
00:24:54,244 --> 00:24:56,204
Man, how are you even alive?
490
00:24:56,246 --> 00:24:58,286
- I'm not.
- [gasps]
491
00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:01,997
- But I am.
492
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:09,183
* *
493
00:25:09,233 --> 00:25:13,783
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