All language subtitles for zzzDoctor In Distress 1963 DVDRip XViD

Get out of the way

Get out of the way

Hey Get out of the way

Damn road hog Get out

Get out of the way

Get out!

I'll report you to the... Ow

I'll report... Stop it
I'll report you to the police

Morning, Lancelot. Good holiday?

- No.
- Catchn arnythnirng?

The only fish that came my way was an old trout
in the bar and she was the wrong side of 50.

Can't have been using the right fly.

- Arnyway it's rnice to see you back agairn
- Liar.

Don't forget the ceremony. Ten o'clock.

(engine revs)
- What's that?

Get... Get out of the way

Damn and blast

Morning.

(Honk s horn)

(Ambulance approaches)

(Honk s horn)

Shift that dog's-meat wagon of yours.
I want to get out.

You'll have to wait for us now.
We've got a casualty here.

PATIeNT: Hello.
- Are you all right?

Yes, thank you.

I'm terribly sorry to cause all this trouble.

Don't worry. We'll look after you.

Are you ahh doctors?

Oh, yes, yes.

Come on. All right, come on. Steady with her.

Don't worry. We'll look after you.

(Ripping)

TANNO Y:
dr Avery phease dr Avery

Morning, Matron.

Lady Willoughby won't like it.
She won't like it at all.

After all, the old boy did raise
most of the money.

Morning, Matron.

Sir Lancelot. I hope you enjoyed your holiday.

Not in the least. Don't ask if I caught any fish.

- Sorry I'm late. Good holiday? Caught any fish?
- No

ut you hnave caught your trousers.
I'll get a stitch put in.

You'll do no such thing. The only person
who does decent stitching here is myself.

- It's ten o'clock.
- I'm aware of that. What's new in the wards?

- ut you can't do your round now, Sir Lancelot.
- And why not?

The ceremony, sir.
I've got some notes on the procedure.

Good grief, boy, I don't need any notes.

This is a foundation stone, not a gallstone.

That's good. That's very good.

It's wonderful.

- Do those belong to that casualty in there?
- Yes, sir.

I'll take them in.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I'm Dr Sparrow.

I must have done something dreadful.
You're the fifth.

No, I'm the first.
These aren't really doctors at all.

Oh, aren't they? What a shame.

Lots of learning to do, eh, Gillibrand?

Yes, sir.

excuse me.

ut it's my ankle that hurts, Doctor.

I can't hear a thing with these on.
What did you say?

It's only my ankle.

erm... Why are you doing this?

er... (Clears throat)

Why am I doing this, Gillibrand?

- Practice, sir?
- Thoroughness, Gillibrand Thoroughness

One obvious injury doesn't mean to say
there isn't another.

You have to test for everything:
lungs, heart, spine...

and all the other organs.

ut apart from my ankle, I feel perfect.

Oh, but you are. Quite perfect.

No, o go o o oo
o X coo o oo o c o

(Students discuss X-ray)

Is there something broken?

No, no. A minor sprain. No harm done.

There was to the car. I think it's a write-off.

Where were you going? London?

Yes.

It isn't going to show, is it?
I have to be so careful about legs in my job.

W-W-What do you do?

(Clears throat) A dancer?

- Model.
- Oh.

What treatment are you going to give me?

andage it and elevate the leg for a few hours.

y this evening, you should be fit for anything.

er... W-Would you like me to drive you
up to London?

- Would you really?
- It's my night off.

Oh, that's marvellous
What a fabulous coincidence

Well, now, what's the matter with you?

They say I've slipped a disc.

They'd have said you had sciatica
when I was a boy. How did you do it?

- Jumping.
- Over a gate?

Out of a window.

Oh. I suppose the husband came in
through the front door.

Certainly not There was a fire

Ahna Wehh gernthemern

The patient complains of a slipped disc.

What treatment would you prescribe? You.

ed rest... followed by traction...

...followed by a spinal support...
followed by physiotherapy.

Followed by no improvement at all.

Physiotherapy Palliative poppycock
When do you take your finals, boy?

In six week s, sir.

You'll be taking them again in six months

- if you tahk driveh hike thnat
- ut in a mild case...

Rubbish

There's only one thing for him. The knife

Oh, don't worry. I'll fit you in somewhere.
Good morning to you.

No, o o oo

Co oco o oooo
ooo o o

Ah, let's have a look. Take your paws away
We aren't playing animal grab

eautiful. Had to change knives midstream
with you, you know.

Look at this, gentlemen.

A perfect cut

ow are you feehirng?

ever so tired.

So was I after I'd stuffed all that lot
back inside you.

It was like trying to coil a fire hose
into an overnight bag. Good morning.

I remember when I was in the Navy.

For intestinal obstruction,
we didn't pray for dry weather.

We didn't pray for wet, we just prayed for wind.

- What are you doing here, Simon?
- Reminding you of a ceremony, sir.

And of a very old, old joke.

All right, I'm coming.

Stuart... Don't let him worry you too much.

He once threw the whole book at me.

I survived.

Ah, Simon. I wish you'd be so kind as to park
your perambulating sardine can

- in the proper space reserved for it.
- I couldn't get out of my car.

Sorry, I was a bit pushed this morning.
Good morning, Nurse.

Good morning, Dr Sparrow.

- Rather nice-looking.
- Why do your activities

centre around the female sex?

- ecause I find them attractive.
- Attractive?

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

Doctors have got no right to be attracted.
It clouds the brain and unsteadies the hand.

Well, it's never happened to me.

And I take my job as seriously as the next man,
let me tell you.

- Thank you, Dr Sparrow.
- You're welcome.

Revolting.

You might find it rejuvenating.

- Morning, Clive. Morning, Johnny.
- Morning.

Morning, Lady Willoughby.

efore you proceed, Sir Lancelot,
I wish to register a formal complaint.

What's the matter? That colporrhaphy
I did for you not keeping out the rain?

- Really
- Delighted to hear it.

Can't afford a leak at your age.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I now declare this stone well and truly...

- Who perpetrated this monstrosity?
STUDeNT: hs somethnirng wrorng sir?

My name is Spratt, with an S

S for spleen

P for prostate R for rump

A for a... poplexy

- And two Ts for two...
(Clanking)

Who contrived this disgusting insult?

Sir Lancelot, we'll speak to the master mason
and he'll alter it, I promise you.

If he doesn't, I'll alter him, I promise you

Ladies and gentlemen...

with the minimum of confidence,
I declare this stone well and truly laid.

Speech.

Ladies and gentlemen. Although work
on our new wing has already begun,

a substarntiah amournt of morney is stihh rneeded

ht is up to you to firnd it

Doubtless if I apply pressure
in the right quarter...

- Watch it
- Aaah

All right, Nobby Get the crane over

I'm going to sue those ruddy contractors until
they haven't got a fly button to call their own.

Go easy, you dopes I'm in mortal agony

- Shall I send for morphia, Doctor?
- Send for a bottle of brandy.

You'll have hot, sweet tea and like it.

ut, Simon, I'm feeling faint. I can hardly speak.

(Crash)
- Watch it, you clots I'm not a corpse yet

I've never had a slipped disc in my life.

No o o, oo go oo
W o o go g o oo o

I seem to remember in cases like this
you'd recommend the knife.

Nonsense Nobody's sticking a knife in my back

Though most of my colleagues
have being trying to for years.

- You're going to be stuck here for a while.
- What? In this tumbledown lazar house?

- Stop this contraption
- Sir Lancelot, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get out
while I've still got the strength.

(Howls with pain)

Thank you.

Oh, it's sweet of you to drive me up.

Is this service always included
in your treatment, Doctor?

This is not treatment. And I am rnot your doctor.

- You belong to the hospital. Doesn't she?
- Oh, yes, yes.

Shirts, skirts, bras, pants.

Advertising's such a bore, really.

I want to give it all up and get into movies.

- What, you mean be a film star?
- Mm.

- eugh
- Well, not immediately, of course.

I might be able to help you there, you know.

ecause I know quite a lot of film people.

- Professionally, I mean.
- Do you?

Mm.

You know, Simon, I'm beginning to think
you could be rather a fabulous sort of person.

(Church bells chime)

- Thank you again for bringing me down.
- Oh, not at all. I'll see you up.

Oh, no, I can manage.

Oh, I think that ankle needs a little support.

Doco

No, friend.

All right. Oh, can you get my bag?
It's in the back somewhere.

ag, bag... Oh, yes...

Oh, Lord

What's the matter?

That's a police car.

So? They can't arrest us. We're not burglars.
We're just sitting.

You don't have to be burglars these days.
You just have to sit.

Good evening, Officer. I was, er...

Just finding this young lady's handbag.

Uh-huh. Are you a doctor, sir?

Yes, I am. (Clears throat)

ut even... er, doctors are human.

Mm-hm.
I wonder if you'd care to come with me, sir.

- er, yes, I would, but I-I have explained to you...
- There's an old lady passed out

on the pavement just down the street, sir.

We spotted the label on your windscreen.

er, we have got the right bag, have we, sir?

No, we haven't.

When am I going to see you again?

2.

(Moans)

(Sighs)

(Knock on door)

Good morning.

Who are you?

I'm the physiotherapist.

I did not order one.

Yes, but the doctor did.

I do not require physiotherapy.

I said I do not require physiotherapy

Yes, Sir Lancelot, I heard you.
And so, I imagine, did the rest of the block.

Now, tell me. Are you in pain?

Of course I'm in pain I've got a slipped disc

I saw the X-rays but it's nothing much.
We'll soon get you better.

- Don't do that
- What hnave you got there?

Madam?

I can scarcely give you treatment
through two layers of blanket, can I?

You're not going to give me any treatment -
and don't shake my bottle of wine.

Where are you going?

Well, there are other patients who need me,
you know, Sir Lancelot.

Come here. I wish to discuss my case with you.

There's a slight narrowing
of your L5-S1 disc space.

You've made progress
with traction and bed rest.

No o ooo go o o o

- Right?
- I was going to do the talking, madam.

And so you shall, Sir Lancelot.
Now, turn over, will you?

I refuse.

- Ow!
- It's three and a half guineas for half an hour.

You're private.

I don't appear to be.

Now, roll over, hm?

Oh, very well. Oh...

There we are.

- That's it. Now put your arms by your side.
- (Moans)

- What are you doing?
- I'm pulling down your pyjamas.

Don't worry, I've lived.

- Oh
- That it?

- Yes.
- Right.

Oh...

(Relaxed) Oh...

(More relaxed) Oh...

Don't let me interrupt the flow, Sir Lancelot.

(Moans with pleasure)

Mmm...

What's your name?

Iris Marchant.

Mmm...

- Stuart?
- Yes, sir?

There's a patient in for investigation.
I'd like you to have a look at her.

M o W o

- ecause I'd like your opinion, that's why.
- Thank you, sir.

Here's the letter from her doctor.
It's not very cheerful.

Give her all the attention you can and be gentle.
She's very frightened.

Her husband's apparently more worried about
his pigeon loft than her. You know the type.

So you haven't really felt any pain at all,
Mrs Parry.

No, that's right. I can't say that I have.

Wait a minute, though.
Yes, I did feel a pain once.

When?

On a Sunday, it was. After chapel.

Where?

I remember now. It was in the kitchen.

No, I mean what part of you?
Your chest, your stomach, your head?

Oh, it... (Giggles)

Come here. (Whispers)

Course my husband didn't really mean to.

He was only being playful, you understand.

I-I don't think we're getting very far, are we?

Aren't we? I thought
we were getting on swimming, like.

You're a lovely little doctor, aren't you?

Here, go on. You finish these.

I only like the red ones.

There you are, my dear.

Got your tea? Made you comfortable?

- Yes, thank you, Doctor.
- Good

Mrs Whittaker, this is Mr Stuart.

- e's a cohheague of mirne
- How do you do?

He'll help me find out what the trouble is
and keep an eye on you.

- Ahh righnt?
- Thank you.

Good. Well, I'll leave you two
to get to know each other.

- erm, I'll speak to you later.
- Yes.

- Goodbye
- Goodbye.

(Chatter and laughter)

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
ALL: Good afternoon, sir.

You'll be glad to hear
Sir Lancelot is making excellent progress.

However... (Clears throat)

lt'll be some time before he's fully recovered so...
until then, you'll have to put up with me.

And I want no questions
about the bleeding time from you.

Where's this case we thought
might exercise these intellects?

- Over here, Doctor.
- Who's the dresser on the case?

- I am, sir.
- Oh. everything teed up, Gillibrand?

No, co, c o, coc o o

Symptoms, signs, diagnosis, prognosis
and treatment.

(Clears throat) er, this is Mrs Parry, sir.

She's a housewife.
er... 42... and she's had ten children.

Nine.

- You said ten.
- did h?

Perhaps it is ten, then. Let's see.
There's lodwen and Owen...

Never mind, Mrs Parry. You work it out
for yourself and we'll continue. Carry on.

Well, there's no history of previous illness, sir.

- Any operations?
- er rnorne

I've had ten.

- You said none.
- No tern

I was forgetting little Caradog.
I had him two years ago.

That reminds me,
I haven't seen him about lately.

Carry on.

er...

Well, the patient complains of
periodic swelling of the abdomen, sir.

Apart from her pregnancy?

Well... Yes, sir.

Any other symptoms?

er, only swelling.

(elches)

And wind, sir.

Now evern withn thnese

meagre details which Mr Gillibrand
has managed to elicit,

we should be able to manage
one first tentative diagnosis.

Anyone?

Chronic cholecystitis.

DR SPARROW: Whny?

er... w-w-well, the patient, sir.

She satisfies the six Fs of gall bladder disease.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, each of you give me F. One F each.

- Fair.
- Fat.

- Fertile.
- Female.

Forty.

Come on, Gillibrand

h thnirnk thney've givern it to you!

Fair, fat, female, fertile, forty... F.

ALL: Fff...

Flat?

Me? Flat?

Flatulence, you cretin

Yes, sir.

Now for the examination.

What are we looking for?

- Fluid in the peritoneum?
- How do we test for it?

Put one hand on one side, flick the other
and see if you can feel the vibration.

And if we feel it, what do we call it?

er, a fluid thrill.

Right. Now, Miss er...

Wick.

Would you like to try for a fluid thrill, Miss Wick?

Ooh Cold

(Gurgle)

(Gurgle)

er, did you feel a thrill?

No.

No, I didn't think you would, somehow.

Now we should listen for borborygmy,
which is?

It's the sounds made by gas in the intestine
when there is hypermotility, sir.

Great.

Can you hear any?

Ooh, there's a red one Fancy that

I thought I'd had the last of those.

Right, gentlemen, you come round here,
you three.

Mrs Parry...

Do you keep your bowels open regularly?

Regular as clockwork.

every fortnight.

What do you take for constipation?
Castor oil or cascara?

Oh, nothing like that.

I just take my knitting.

- Simon.
- Mm?

I think you are absolutely fabulous.

Good. (Laughs) Why?

ecause if you hadn't known someone...

...who knew someone...
...who told someone about me,

we wouldn't be on our way to meet
Mr Luther Heilbronn.

Do o ooooo Woo go oo o

- I wonder what he's like.
- Successful, unscrupulous, predatory...

- Dreamy.
...middle-aged, overweight,

- bald-headed and potbellied.
- You haven't met him

I've no intention of meeting anyone who makes
a film called The Sorrows Of Salome.

It's going to be a fabulous film.
enormous great big epic, all in Rome.

Salome never got within
a thousand miles of Rome.

Well, she does in the film.
So shall I, if I'm one of her handmaidens.

What precisely does a handmaiden do?

Hand things, I suppose.

Yes, I suppose.

- Who is playing Salome?
- Genevieve Milton.

She was unknown a few years ago, just like me.
Now she's very big.

- That's apparent.
- Mr Heilbronn discovered her in a coffee bar.

I'd have thought it was a dairy.

ut Mr Heilbronn is getting worse every minute.

- (Man moans)
- Yeah.

He's practically speechless.

Well, where's the hotel doctor?

Tell them to send out for one.

- Send out for one.
- Tell 'em... (Coughs)

Who? Harry...

There's some dame down at the desk
said you asked her to come up and see you.

Tell her I'll call her tomorrow.

Or next week. OK, sometime never,
what the hell? Tell her...

Tell her "what the hell".

I'm afraid Mr Heilbronn can't see you after all.

- What?
- Come along, Delia.

These theatricals are very unreliable. Come on.

No, no, no That's absolutely impossible

- Mr Heilbronn said...
- He can't say anything. He's lost his voice.

And I've lost the hotel doctor.

- You want a doctor for Mr Heilbronn?
- Yes, madam.

I've got one.

You can't strip off here

- What are you up to?
- I've got you a job

Why don't you let me
do the talking tonight, Harry?

ecause the TV millions
don't want to hear you talk, baby.

- It's an interview, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Why shouldn't I talk? I carn

You're strictly for the eye, honey.

(uzzer)
- It's the doctor.

- Dr Robin?
- Sparrow.

- Thank you.
- Now, Doctor, I've got this condition...

- Yes...
- Good evening, Mr Heilbronn.

Oh, this is Miss... er, my nurse.

- Come in. Sit down, Nurse.
- Mr Heilbronn, I've been...

Sit down, Nurse.

Now, Mr Heilbronn,
I understand we're having trouble with our voice.

I don't know about you, but mine you've gotta fix.

- There's lots of dollars hanging on my interview.
- We'll see they drop in the right place.

Would you mind opening your mouth for me?
Wide.

Wider. That's it.

I owe everything I am to Mr Heilbronn.

He found me...

...he moulded me, he made me...

...into a kind of symbol.

I hope your television viewers
won't be disappointed

when you see it exposed in my new film.

xooo

Well, Mr Heilbronn, your larynx, your throat
and your vocal cords are as sound as a bell.

Then why the hell don't it ring?

Have you had a recent... emotional upset?
A sudden shock?

I don't have shock s - I give 'em.

(Mutters) lmagine that.

- Can I use your telephone?
- Help yourself.

Mr Heilbronn, I hear you've been casting
a new film. The Sorrows Of Salome?

Welbeck 244.

I wondered if you decided who'll play Salome.

Salome I've got.

I'm still looking for a John The aptist.

Forty actors I've seen -
not a aptist among them.

- Do you know of a John the aptist, Nurse?
- Well, no, but...

ut I've got a marvellous suggestion for...

(Celestial music)
- Medical counter, please.

- Mr eihbrornrn
- Shh

It's him.

ht's hnim

Spirituality in the eyes. Serenity...

I said medical counter

Honey Come in here We got him We got him

What have we got, honey?

Ohn hne's cute!

- Who is he?
- Who is he? He's John the aptist,

thnat's whno hne is

You've found your voice again, Mr Heilbronn.

I've not only found my voice, I've found you.

I'm going to take you... I'm going to mouhd you...

- I told you they were unreliable.
- I'll make you the biggest, the greatest,

the superb-est symbol

- Delia, out.
- John... Where are you going?

- Simon, there's no hurry.
- Are you kidding?

Mr Heilbronn, you keep your voice
and I'll keep my head.

ut, John

John

A beautiful ward, Sister. My congratulations.

Thank you, Sir Lancelot.

Oh, er... Matron.

You're looking a little tired, my dear.

- Am I?
- Mustn't overdo things, you know.

- Good morning, Sir Lancelot.
- Good morning.

It's nice to see you in harness again.

Thank you.
Although, of course, my thank s should go

- to Miss Marchnarnt
- How is your back?

Not a twinge. And yourself?

Oh, very well, thank you.

Oh, splendid.

I'm afraid I have to visit
another one of my patients.

Of course, of course. I am so sorry.

Charming girl.

Look out. Here he comes.

Well, Mr Lewis.

How are we this morning?

- Mustn't grumble, sir.
- You hear that, gentlemen? "Mustn't grumble."

And after all he's been through.

He's the sort of patient
that makes a surgeon's life really worthwhile.

You'll come to understand that shortly, Stuart.

Yes, sir.

You're cured, Mr Lewis.

ut you needn't hurry.
You can stay as long as you like.

We're here to do what we can for you.

- Aren't we, Sister?
- Naturally, Sir Lancelot.

Goodbye, Mr Lewis. And good luck to you.

'ere, what's come over him?
He used to swear at 'em all like blue murder

There's something wrong.

And I don't like it.

Nor do I.

Makes me feel rotten.

ANTON RUINSTeIN: Melody in F

(Door opens)

Here's the doctor to see you, Sir Lancelot.

Morning, Lancelot.

Go away. I didn't send for anybody.

Now, then, what's all this about
the Lady Macbeth routine?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Mrs Clapper says that you are sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking? Hollyhock s

eh? Sleepwalking? Me?

- Thnat couhd be darngerous
- It could be damaging.

You don't mean to tell me that I've...

I've been wandering around without any...

No, no. no. Just around the house, apparently.
That's all.

(Sighs) Thank God for that.

I don't mind admitting, now you're here, Simon,
that er... l'm not myself. Not at all myself.

Well, let's have a look. Come on.
How long's it been going on for?

Well, ever since I left that blasted hospital.

I'm sure I was poisoned.
The food there's not fit to manure rose beds.

Have you taken any measures yourself?

The usual ones. Purging, inhalation, sweating...

All quite useless.

What's that?

Garlic.

Rub you round a bowl,
you'd make a great salad.

You know...

You're quite wrong
to despise these old folk remedies.

I've got a maiden aunt who swears by garlic.

Never without a bit next to the skin.

I'm convinced that's why she's lived to be 92.

Perhaps that's why she's still a maiden at 92.

Ooh.

- Heart all right?
- Mm?

- (Speak s up) Heart all right?
- Say, "One, one, one."

One, one, one.

- Now louder.
- One, one, one

(Sighs) Very interesting.

Have you found anything?

Had any pins and needles, dizziness,
headaches? Waterwork s all right?

er... Yes... no... no... yes.

- Ooh
- (Laughs)

- Have you made a diagnosis?
- I don't know yet.

See what your exercise tolerance is like.
Come on. Up you get. Come and stand on this.

Get up

Up again.

Now do that 0 times while I go
and borrow something from Mrs Clapper.

- 0 times? Do you want to kill me, Simon?
- Yes.

- Oh, no...
- (Chuckles)

Oh, no.

(Sighs)

Three...

Four...

(Door opens)

Mrs Chapper?

- Yes, Doctor?
- Have you got a pin or a needle I could borrow?

(Gasps) Did you have to cut him?

No, no. I just want something for a test.
Anything sharp will do.

Let me see...

Would you like this?

I think he'd love it.

Ooh

Good grief What are you going to do with that?

Sensation test.
Shut your eyes and you won't notice.

Not on your nelly and not on mine either

(Laughs) All right. We'll come back to it.
Let's see about your blood pressure.

I feel a little faint.

- I think I'll have a glass of brandy.
- hrn a mirnute

You know, Lancelot,
your heart is as sound as a bell.

It is?

Yes.

Your lungs are as clean as a whistle.

They are?

And your blood pressure...

(Pumps)

Absolutely normal.

So the whole thing must be psychosomatic
or emotional.

ut, Simon,
I've never been called emotional before.

Perhaps you've never been in love before.

Get out of my house,
you miserable, bat-eared quack

W tat's y ag os s

Take it or leave it. And my prescription is...

a good dinner, a bottle of wine...

and press your suit on you know who.

Is it serious, Doctor?

Yes, it's serious, Mrs Clapper.
ut don't worry. It'll take its course.

Will he be going to bed?

That depends on the physiotherapist.

(Laughs uncontrollably)

Stop No, no Don't stop Aaah

Tell me when I'm causing distress, Major.

Distress? Distress?

You're marvellous with that thing

(Turns off machine)

(Composes himself)

Actually, you're pretty marvellous altogether

- Yes, Major.
- Oh, look here...

...drop the handle.

Tommy's the old moniker.

Or Tiger. They used to call me Tiger French
in Malaya.

Oh, really? And why was that?

(Chuckles) Well, out on my first jungle patrol,
I stalked a Chinese commie the whole day.

Got him in the end. Turned out to be a tiger

Well, I mean,
you can't live a thing like that down, can you?

So when I was posted I decided to live up to it.

Fearless type, you know.
That's why I grew a beard.

(Clears throat nervously) Doesn't work, does it?

Oh, I don't know. I'm rather partial to beards.

Are you, now? I say, that is interesting.

ut it would be much more interesting for...

for both of us
if I could get these old pins walking again.

Mm, yes, well, that's why we're here, isn't it?

Well, there's not much chance of that, I'm afraid.

(Moans)

Oh, though I'd be prepared
to stake a packet for this.

If anybody couhd do the trick, you could,
Marchant, old girl (Titters)

Iris is the moniker.

Ooh, Iris Aaah Iris

(Phone rings)

- Hang on to that, will you?
- (Sighs)

Don't run away.

Run away? That'll be the day

Hello? Yes?

Oh, Sir Lancelot.

Oh... Well, I'm afraid my evenings
are rather booked up for some time.

Yes

(Giggles) Wehh bhess you
ht was a very sweet thnoughnt

Ahh righnt

ye-bye.

Ugh Muck

(Whistles tune) Ah, tea.

Hog swill.

- No sugar?
- Ugh

Typical. The whole place is going to the dogs.

Mass incompetence and inefficiency
in every department.

- Including Physiotherapy?
- especiahhy Physiotherapy.

Aha.

So she said no, eh?

She turned me down, Simon,
as if I'd been a first-year student.

Well, perhaps you are in this particular field.

It takes practice to know how to handle ladies.

I've been in practice for years
and I've handled thousands of ladies.

You've handled ladies, surgically speaking.

You know all about their lights,
their lungs and their livers.

ut do you know anything at all
about their hearts?

No.

There you are. That's what I mean, you see.

Well, what do you suggest?

Well... coax her.

encourage her. e kind, be gentle.

Shne krnows you mairnhy as a surgeorn

Let her discover
that you're a man of many parts.

Show her my... butterfly collection?

No.

No, if possible, I think you should do something.

Do something you're good at.

Like fishing.

You can't take her out fishing after dinner.

Well, I could play the piano.

Random gems from The Student Prince?

I was thinking more of the 48 Preludes
and Fugues of ach, which I play rather well.

I don't think she'd sit through 48, do you?

(Laughs) Oh, dear, oh, dear

Look, aren't you... aren't you good at
some kind of... some kind of a game?

I think I've got the very thing.

No, oo

you must be very careful not to cut the cloth.
It's very expensive.

And, er... don't wave your cue about.

Now, the thing to do is to strike the white ball
so that it knock s that red one in the pocket.

Like thnat?

Yes.

That's what we call a fluke.

Now... You now have to pot
one of the coloured balls.

It doesn't really matter which,
but I think the blue is the prettiest.

Like your eyes.

Like that?

Have you played this game before?

(Laughs) Yes, I have.

ut I'm terribly out of practice.

- This calls for brandy.
- Not for me.

ut for me.

Your bahh

Thank you.

(Table groans)

Try this, Sir Lancelot.

Thank you, my dear.

Tell me... Do you think you could be
a little less formal?

Oh, I see. Well, erm...

What would you like me to call you?

Just plain Lancelot or have you got
some sort of a nickname?

I have, but it hasn't been used
since I was at school.

May I share the secret?

Well, it's... Porker.

Yes, well, little boys can be very unkind.

And observant, too.

Yes, I see what you mean.

ANTON RUINSTeIN: Melody in F

That's sentimental rubbish I can't bear it

Your unconscious
doesn't seem to agree with you.

Well, what do you expect?

That woman beats me at snooker
and then tells me I'm too fat.

- Well, you are too fat. Look at you.
- Fat I am rnot

- I am generously proportioned.
- You've got to lose weight to make progress.

Who was it said the commonest instruments
of suicide are a knife and fork?

Very well. ut I'm not going to nibble grapefruit
like an anaemic rabbit.

I could easily arrange for you to lose
a few pounds. I know a bloke that runs a place.

Look, why don't you let me call him?

Wretched woman.

Oh, very well Fix it

(Phone rings)

Yes? Yes, well, Dr lacker should be back
any minute.

Ohn hook hnere hne is rnow
er carn you hnarng orn a sec?

It's Dr Sparrow.

Hello, Simon. What can I do for you?

Oh, Spratt the surgeon, eh?

Yes. ut don't stand any nonsense from him.

I want you to give him the work s.
The full treatment.

Tomorrow? Splendid.

Yes, I'll look in after he's been with you
a few days. Good.

How's business? Pretty brisk?

Oh, mustn't grumble.

Got my hands pretty full as usual, you know.

Yeah, well, goodbye, now.

Anyone in charge of this dosshouse?

Ahn

My name is Spratt
and I've come to lose some of this.

- Oh, yes, Sir Lancelot. We were expecting you.
- I should hope so.

Kindly see that my baggage is brought in
and that the crate with the bottles is not shaken.

ottles?

Lafitte, 'T.

And I don't want it ruined.

A superb year.

- How lucky you are.
- Dr lacker, this is Sir Lancelot Spratt.

- Oh, how do you do?
- How do you do?

I run this little purgatory here.

In that case you will kindly see
that my wine is not disturbed.

- It won't be. Not even by you.
- What?

er, Miss Minton, see that Sir Lancelot's wine
is put in the strongroom, will you?

Perhaps, Sir Lancelot, you'd like me

- to show you round the place?
- Very well.

Spratt. That's the surgeon, isn't it?

Yes, it must be.

I shall enjoy talking to him.
I've been under the knife... many times.

Sorry you have to share a room
but we're very busy.

The lavage room is like Ascot on Gold Cup day.

- Indeed.
- excuse me, sir.

Your companion is very delightful. Mr radby.
Have you heard of him?

I did an oophorectomy on a radby
some time ago.

Well, perhaps he came on here.

Hardly likely.
He went straight to the London Acropolis.

Oh, poor chap. This radby's an author.
Very popular.

Ah, Nurse. Nurse ossom
will see that you get settled in all right.

I shall be seeing you later.

This way, Sir Lancelot.

TAPe: Thnoughn somewhnat off thne beatern track

Mr radby, this is Sir Lancelot Spratt,
your roommate.

Snap.

- A wireless. I don't think I'm going to like that.
- No, no, a tape recorder.

I dictate a certain amount for my book s,
you know.

I hope it won't disturb you.

I share your hope.

You just get into bed, Sir Lancelot.

And what good would that do me?
I can't take any exercise in bed.

Perhaps we could manage something.

I doubt it.

I mean, you could wiggle your toes.

If I wanted to lose weight from my feet, woman,
I could cut my toenails, damn it

Now, after me, girls.

And... one-two, one-two, one-two, one-two...

I hope you'll like it here... Oh, excuse me.

INSTRUCTOR: Thnat's righnt

We try to make everything friendly.

Good afternoon, Miss Steele.

- What have you lost since yesterday?
- (Giggles nervously)

Very friendly girl.

That's right. Keep it swinging.

Orne-two orne-two

Please sit down.

- What's your age, Sir Lancelot?
- No comment.

Over 50. Now, why do you want to lose weight?

Why? ecause I propose to ride a Derby winner.

You're not being very cooperative.
I'm only trying to help.

You'd help a great deal more if you were
to cut out all this guff and give me my luncheon.

Oh, we've got a lot of ground to cover
before your luncheon.

MAN: ht reahhy is a pheasure to meet you
Sir Larncehot

I wonder if you know my surgeon, Mr Lucas.

I do indeed. An incompetent.

Well, as I was saying, one day -
it was in last June, to be precise... the 1 th -

I was seized with a great attack
of pain and vomiting.

So h cahhed my doctor at ornce

(Sir Lancelot bangs)
ey somebody! Let me out of hnere!

Ah, Sir Lancelot. You wanted something?

Yes, let me out of here.
I'm either being boiled alive or bored to death

Your time's not up yet, I'm afraid.

Another 20 minutes. Just relax.

enjoy yourself. (Turns up steam)

And 6...

and T...

and 8...

and 9...

and 40...

- and 41...
- What are you going on for? I stop at 40.

We're stepping you up a bit.
Doctor's instructions.

- Not for me.
- Now rnow sir

We want to get our waistline down, don't we?

Perhaps if we don't,
there's someone who'd like us to.

Tell me... What did you do
before you got into this racket?

Run a torture chamber somewhere?

Me, sir? No, sir. Army, sir. Judo instructor.
lack belt.

Ah. Judo. I must remember that.

Now, sir. No slacking. Put your back into it.

And 45... and 46...

and... Now, steady, sir.

Doco ooo O

A Japanese patient once paid me in kind.

Good afternoon to you.

Cor blimey

The first course was a lobster bisque,
served hot...

with a dish of local whipped cream on the side.

Am I disturbing you?

Indeed, no. I am most interested.

This was followed by a plain roast saddle
of english lamb,

cooked withn rosemary for rnot too horng
irn a chnarcoah overn

excellent. Just the way I like it myself.

It's a place I've recommended
in every issue of my book.

- Did you enjoy it, sir?
- No, kindly bring the next course.

Sorry, sir, but there isn't a next course.

The cellar in this hotel
is remarkably well stocked.

h hike particuharhy thne rarnge of Niersteirner

arnd chnose a very coohirng 1959
at a moderate price

- One of you gentlemen rang?
- I want a drink. ring me the list.

List, sir? We haven't one.

Would you like barley water,
soda water or water?

Get out

Am I disturbing you?

- I am going for a walk.
- A wahk?

Got you!

Got who?

Whno are you hookirng at?

- I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.
- Well, you've made a mistake, haven't you?

er, y-yes, I have.

Caught you, red-handed.

I thought it was you.

- I'm not speaking to you.
- Naughty, naughty, Sir Lancelot.

Thnat's rno way to tahk to your doctor

- Did you hear that?
- What?

Sir Lancelot. He reckons
he's one of them Knights of the Round Table.

No, he's one of them nutters that's got loose,
isn't he?

Yeah. Come on.
They can turn dead vicious, you know.

Come on

Surely she's worth a little self-discipline,
a bit of discomfort.

I'm sure the clinic's treating you very well.

They're treating me like a convict.

They've taken my clothes away.

I had to bribe the gardener to get a mackintosh
and cap or I wouldn't have slipped out at all.

You shouldn't have slipped out at all.
What's the point of a diet if you cheat?

Come off it, Simon. I only came in here
for a cup of lemon tea.

Yeahn Wehh thnat shnouhdrn't hnurt you

SIR LANCeLOT:
Now buzz off arnd heave me ahorne

Treble baked beans, treble fried bread,
treble egg and treble chips. Anything else?

How about treble spotted dick, just for afters?

Comes from a starvation hole, does he?
We get a lot of them in here.

Well, he's a big fella.
What's the matter with a big blowout?

If he gets through that, he'll blow up.

Goodbye, Mrs Parry.
You shouldn't have any more trouble

providing you stick to that diet sheet.

Don't you worry yourself, Doctor.
I'm going to read it when I've got time.

We try.

Well... so long, Mrs rown.

- Goodbye.
- Keep smiling, now.

- Hello, Stuart.
- Good morning, sir.

Here's the path report on Mrs Whittaker.

We shall have to operate, shan't we?

Yes.

She was expecting to go home.

reak it to her gently, will you?

- Me?
- You're responsible for her, aren't you?

I've never had to tell anyone.

That's part of the job.

Telling people unpleasant truths.

easy does it.

That's it.

- Goodbye, Mrs Johnson.
- Goodbye.

Glad to see you running about again.

Oh, hello, Mrs Whittaker
I thought you were flitting today, same as me.

I was, but they want me to have an operation.

Do they, now? Oh, you'll love it

I did. It's even better than on the telly

- Now, good luck.
- Thank you.

Now, Mrs Parry, time you were off.
Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready now, Sister.
I think I've said goodbye to everyone.

Ooh, I was forgetting Mrs Roberts

Fancy forgetting you

It is Mrs Roberts, isn't it?

I thought so. Goodbye, then.

You're looking better.

Goodbye, all Take care of yourselves

Now, here's a model
you might find attractive, sir.

A Waterloo Wasper.

eugh

No, no, no... I see what you mean, sir.
I see what you mean.

Now, I wonder if this one might appeal
to you, sir. This one is the Harrogate Hourglass.

No.

No, you're absolutely right, sir, of course.
It's not you.

er... Ah, now, what about this one?

What the devil do you call that?

Well, you've guessed it, sir. Diablo.
Now, isn't it heaven?

- Is it hell
- Try it on, sir.

Just for size.

There we are.

That's it. Comfy?

Oh, dreamy Dreamy, Sir Lancelot
With that you're definitely with it.

- What do you mean I'm "with it"?
- You're not with it without it.

(Phone rings)

Spratt.

Oh, good morning, Iris, dear. How are you?

Was the conference interesting?

You carn't expect it to hnave beern
arn excitirng procedure

- Thank s.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

erm... Yes, Lancelot, I got your note but
I'm afraid I won't be able to make Wednesday.

No, not Thursday either, I'm afraid.

Well, you see, my London practice
is getting very busy now.

Yes.

Well, thank you for thinking of me, anyway.

All right. Look, Lancelot, I've got to go.
I've got a patient waiting for me.

All right. ye.

- Hello.
- Hello, Tommy. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

That's all right.

- How are we feeling today? etter?
- Oh, today, tomorrow, this week, next week...

- I shall always feel the same way about you.
- Oh, don't start all that again.

I can't help it, old girl. You've knocked me for six.

Oh, I thought I was just getting you
up on your feet again.

Not much chance of that, I'm afraid.
ut I'll tell you this, if I were back on my feet,

that fellow who keeps ringing you
wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance.

Oh. eavesdropping, eh?

Well, why not? All's fair, etc.

Oh, listen, Iris.

You could do worse, you know.

I mean, there's the old gratuity. And a nice
property with a few acres of rough pasture

and a couple of chestnuts for you to exercise.

Oh, I can see it all.

You, whooshing up the drive in the old Aston
Martin after a hard day in the hospital, hm?

- What would you be doing?
- Sitting on the terrace with the odd noggin.

The old double-barrelled over my knee -
waiting to take a pot at a stray wood pigeon.

(Laughs) Honestly, Tommy
You're a hopeless case

Yes, I know.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that.

No, nor did I. Just a hopeless case of love, hm?

Tommy...

Yes?

No, oo go o o

You must concentrate on your treatment.

I haven't got much choice, have I?

(Chuckles)

What are you gawping at?

Well, it's fantastic.

I've never seen such wonderful results...
from dieting.

Not everybody has the discipline or self-control,
you know.

That's true.

Now that you've started, you must keep it up.

What do you think I'm doing?

I mean, it'd be a pity, wouldn't it?
A terrible pity if you had a sort of sudden...

...relapse.

(elastic stretches)

er, before Iris sees you.

I don't understand the woman.

She's turned down two invitations to dinner...

...and muttered something about
having to go to London to look after her patients.

- Whnat at rnighnt?
- So she says. What's the matter with her?

Well, she could be being discreet.

Oh, you mean she's got a man up there?
A lover?

No, I didn't say that.

It's impossible Good God - she's got me

Not quite, I gather.

You're quite right, Simon.

- I shall have to do something.
- Get cracking.

(Twang)

What's that? Indigestion?

No, it's only a twinge from my old rupture.

I think I'd better have a look at you.

- Take off your coat.
- No, it's all right.

This is very serious.
These old lesions can blow up.

(Twang)
- Simon, I can promise you it's all right.

Now, it's very kind of you to come.
Thank you very much indeed. I'm most grateful.

You're quite sure? I shall leave you.

All right, well, you know where to get me
if you need me. I mean...

should something explode.

(Snap)

Hampden Cross? Do you happen to know
the name of a detective agency?

You don't.
Well, give me directory enquiries, please.

A man.

excuse me, sir,
but what would you like for lunch?

- A man.
- Yes, sir.

I'll have his head on a platter.

Very good, sir.
And I'll do a little braised celery to...

- What did you say, sir?
(elastic stretches)

- I said...
(elastic releases)

ANTON RUINSTeIN: Melody in F

Put your weapon away, Sir Lancelot.

I want a full report on where the lady goes,

what she does
and whom she meets, understand?

You can rely on us, Sir Lancelot.

And I don't want anybody else to know about it.

We're the soul of discretion, sir. Ooh...

Do... do you mind if I sit down a moment, sir?

What's the matter, man?

Have you got an inflamed appendix?

If you do a good job,
I'll whip it out for you at a discount.

It's nothing, sir. Just a little indigestion.
Comes and goes.

Rather like the lady in question, I gather
(Chuckles)

You'll be gathering a fractured coccyx
if you don't mind your manners.

Oh.

(Train whistles)

(Guard blows whistle)

(Train horn)

(Moans with pain)

What's up, guv? Come and sit down over here.

- What's that?
- The emergency appendix, sir. Simon's doing it.

Hm.

I think I may as well wander along to the theatre.

Take my mind off things.

Morning, Mr Holly.
Now, you've nothing to worry about.

You won't feel a thing.

- Just you rehax
- Thnarnk you doctor

- Hello.
- I've just come to watch.

It's a long time since I saw you operate.

- That is if you don't mind.
- I don't mind in the very least.

- All ready, Dr Sparrow.
- Thank you, Sister.

- As long as you don't give me any free advice.
- I'm not likely to do that, am I?

SIR LANCeLOT: Good morning, everybody.
Don't take any notice of me. I won't interfere.

DR SPARROW: All right, George?
- OK.

All right, Sister.

What are you doing? What's that?

That's my primary incision.

You don't call that little scratch an incision,
do you?

Cut marn! Cut hike h taughnt you!

Use your shoulders.
You're not opening an oyster

I wish you'd shut up and keep your pearls
for someone else.

Sorry, Simon.

I'm only trying to be helpful.
I shan't interrupt any more.

Retractor, Sister.

You don't call that a retractor, do you?

That is the retractor Dr Sparrow always uses,
Sir Lancelot.

Nonsense. Give him a big one.

He wants to collar the colon,
not eat a Frankfurter.

Koo o g oo c coo o
o o o

- I can only say it's not the way I should do it.
- Well, it's not your case

Very well.
If that's your attitude to your old teacher...

I shan't say any more.

ad sign. Can't stand friendly criticism.

It's a nasty one.

That's better out than in.

All right, George...

- Start opernirng up rnow
- Right-o.

Hey What do you think you're doing?

You ought to be on the job.

Wake up What do you think
I'm spending good money on you for?

Wake up

DR SPARROW: ey mirnd my stitchnes!
- (Growls)

TANNO Y: Thne trairn starndirng
orn phatform five is thne fast trairn for Lorndorn

Thank you, madam.

Do you mind?

So sorry, madam.

Disgusting.

Are you drunk or something?

Most certainly not.

What's the idea, then? You afraid of sunstroke?

I'm sorry.

You'll have to pay for all these things.

Oh, very well.

(Train horn)

Lancelot

'ere... 'ere, do you know that geezer?

Yes, I do.

- Well, he shouldn't be allowed out.
- Is he a nutcase?

No, he's a friend of mine.

Some people do 'ave 'em

efore he does any more damage,
you better get him to a doctor.

a ooco

(Guard blows whistle)

(Train horn)

Don't you know it's unlucky
to open an umbrella indoors?

Not for me, madam.

You might have taken my eye out.

Madam, in my time, I have taken
practically everyone's everything out.

WOMAN: Don't Stop it Don't

I shall scream I'm warning you. Oh

The man must be a lunatic.

Must be a raving lunatic.

No.

No No, don't shut the door. You can't come in.

- Can't I?
- No. You see...

all these seats are taken.

Yes, they're all taken.

Oh, I see. I do beg your pardon.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise. I beg your pardon.

Actually, there is room for me just there
if I squeezed in

between you and the lady with the red hat.

Would you mind, madam?

I'll just put my coat up on the rack. excuse me.

Thank you. Don't move. Just a bit.
Thank you. That's fine.

Let me out

It's all right. Perfectly all right.
I'm a doctor and you fainted.

Oh... well...

Thank you, Doctor. You're... You're very kind.

- Feeling better now?
- Oh, yes. Thank s to you.

I do apologise for making such an exhibition.
Whatever must you have thought of me?

ut, you see,
I have had the most terrifying experience.

Would you like to tell me about it?

You see, there was this dreadful man
in my compartment.

Oh, it was awful. I think, as long as I live,

I shall never forget the sight
of his dark glasses and...

- Dark glasses?
- Yes.

- And an umbrella?
- Yes.

You see, Doctor, I'm sure that he's...

...a maniac.

Taxi

Follow that cab.

- limey Going in disguise?
- Don't be impertinent

All right, all right, all right

You're quite safe. He's gone.

Oh. ut, Doctor...

- Please, do try and be calm, will you?
- I can't. I can't.

No, oo, oo go o g c

Count your stitches. It's very soothing.
Good day.

(Whistles)

Oh, tell Mr Heilbronn
he won't regret the decision.

Yes, of course I can be ready.

Champagne in the icebox.

Sorry, er... What did you say?

So sorry, I didn't quite get that.

What sort of clothes will I need?

Nothing at all.

Oh, I see. When I get there.

Oh, yes. I'm terribly excited, tell him.

Midnight? Tonight?

Oh, yes, of course I'll be there.

Thank you. Goodbye.

(Squeals) Oh, Simon, darling

- You're late.
- I very nearly didn't get here at all.

I had a terrible journey, a terrible day
and I'm in a terrible mood.

Well, I've had a fabulous day
and I'm in a fabulous mood.

Well, bully for you. What's so fabulous about it?

Charming

Oh, well.

Oh, Simon, don't look so miserable.

Well, I am miserable.

Well, you just stay with it, then,
because I am going to pack.

Pc

Where are you going?

I go, my lord, to the eternal City.

You have to be kidding, of course.

No. I leave on the midnight plane for Rome.

(Sings) Arrivederci, Roma...

- Delia...
- Si, caro?

Rome only means one thing to me:
The Sorrows Of Salome.

Hm, does it?

Yes, it does. Have you been having
another bash at that midget movie magnate?

Supposing I had. Would you mind?

Yes, I would. Very much indeed.

- Anyway, I'd say you needed your head testing.
- Why?

He only wants you as a personal handmaiden.
I know the type.

Simon, don't be so disgusting.
Anyway, it's got nothing to do with Mr Heilbronn.

I am a model. It's just like being a doctor:
I'm always on call.

That's what worries me.

How long will you be away for?

Oh, that depends on how many shows
we have to do with the new collection.

Oh, do stop looking so Neolithic
and get my suitcase for me.

Oh, Delia...

I didn't come here to help you to pack.

Well, if you help me to pack, darling, there'll be
lots of time for what you really came for.

It's all in the oven.

(Thunder rumbles)

Waiting for somebody, sir?

No, Officer. Just taking the air.

Ought to have brought an umbrella, sir.

Well, hello, Porker.

- Good gracious, it's you
- Yes, yes. Quite a coincidence.

- Are you looking for somebody?
- Yes.

Oh. Well, you're making it
rather difficult for yourself.

What?

Oh, you mean these. Just a touch of pink eye.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- It's much better.
- Good.

You're wearing your...

Yes, yes, I'm treating somebody.
What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just paying a call on an old friend.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Which flat?
- er... that one.

Oh.

Well, you'd better ring the bell, hadn't you?

Yes, I suppose I had.

Unless you've got a key.

Don't be so absurd. It's not that kind of friend.

No, o, o Go

It's beasts like you who disgrace ritish railways

- (Sighs) I ought to be getting ready.
- Oh, shut up.

(Phone rings)
- Oh...

This is the Camberwell sewage disposal unit.
Can I help you?

Yes, this is Victoria 2191.

- What on earth's the matter?
- What did you say?

- Who is it?
- e quiet.

Yes, I certainly did get that message.

- Tell me...
- Will you be quiet?

And the same to you

- Who was it?
- So you are going to Rome to model dresses.

Well, yes, you know I am.

And you've never set eyes on Mr Heilbronn.

- Was that him?
- No, it wasn't Mr Heilbronn.

ut it was one of his blue alpaca-suited,
frilly-shirted minions,

rounding up the harem with a car for the airport
arnd and they want you.

Can you explain that?

For one dreadful moment...

I thought it had all fallen through.

- What?
- Well, me. He still wants me.

Yeah, for the movies.

Look, I know you think I haven't got any talent.

Yoo o gooo oo g,
c o

- You're jealous.
- Jealous? Me, jealous?

- Of that fat, paunchy, short-arsed...
- And spiteful.

Spiteful. Ha

Spiteful I'm just boggling
at the sheer gullibility of it all

Do you really think you're going to get a part
in this epic?

You're going to be one of thousands.

I shall be one irn a thousand.

Mr Heilbronn says I might be a discovery.

He says he's going to take me
and mould me and make me.

Thnat he will certainly try to do.

Mr Heilbronn is a genius

(Squeals)

Listen, listen. I only want to protect you.

- I don't need protecting
- You do need protecting.

Oh... Go and pack your little black bag.

You come with me.

(Sneezes)

You want to get something for that
or you'll be under the doctor

I... (Sneezes)

(Drunken laughter)

Look where you're going, man

- You're drunk.
- Hey, Rosie...

Would you like me to grow
a nice bit of fungus like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Get out of my way
You're a disgrace to the empire

- Oh, come on, love.
- (oth giggle)

(Squeals)

TANNO Y: Thne trairn starndirng orn
phatform two is thne 1117 for ampdern Cross

ut I've already explained, madam.
I want a triple rum and aniseed.

Purely for medicinal purposes. I repeat...

You can repeat all night if you want,
but we're closed.

ut I need it Rum R-U-M

S-H-U-T Shut

(Woman giggles)

Oh, you can't, Rosie. Not till the train starts.

Oh, but I must.

(Sighs)

(Sneezes)

- Simon.
- Hello.

I say, I suppose you haven't got an aspirin,
or better still, a hip flask?

No, I'm sorry. I'm off duty too.

Did you have a good day?

Splendid.

I've had nothing to eat, nothing to drink,
I've been pestered by lunatic females,

moronic railway employees and drunken sailors.

I got soaked to the skin,
and I've broken my umbrella.

Arnd I made a fool of myself
in front of the woman I love.

You met your rival.

There isn't one. She's perfectly innocent.

Serves me right for giving way to jealousy.

The sort of mistake you wouldn't have made.

(Clears throat)
No, that would be... absolutely fatal.

What do I do next?

Well, you have rather shown your hand,
haven't you?

I think you'll just have to pop the question.

You mean a formal proposal.

- I can't see what else you can do.
- (Woman giggles)

- You
- Well, if it isn't the beefer.

- How are you going, sport?
- You can't come in here.

What is this? First class, then?

Indeed it is.

- Is that a bottle of rum?
- Indeed it is. Would you like a slug?

- First class.
- Help yourself, sport.

- Help yourselves.
- (Giggles)

(Guard blows whistle)

(Train whistles)

No, thank you very much.

er... You were saying, Simon.

M O, o

Well, now that you've tried the creeping barrage,
I think you'd better try the frontal attack.

Hey, Rosie. Do you love me?

I don't know.

You mean straight out of the blue?

No, we must always exercise a little finesse.

Well... Do you like me?

I don't know.

And timing. Timing's very important.

Yes, I recognise that. ut what do I actually say?

Do you like anyone else, then?

I don't know.

You can't sort of put a girl in a corner
and boldly come out with it.

Hell, Rosie Will you marry me?

- I don't mind
- You little beauty

I have asked you here, my love,

in order to tell you that, for some time past...

Well...

every look I have... cherished...

Mm, cherished.

Your every gesture
I have interpreted with hope...

...and your every move I've had carefully
watched. No, blast it. I don't mean that.

h hnave asked you hnere

Yes, Lancelot?

Why have you asked me here?

- I have asked you here...
- Yes?

I have asked you here because it is the only
damn place I can get any privacy in this hospital

You were saying?

I have to perform a very tricky operation, ma'am.

A heart operation.

Iris...

I am no longer, by the world's standards,
a young man.

The er... prime of life
might be a better description.

er...

You could, of course, do over the bedroom
to your own taste,

and invite your mother to stay once a year.

That is, indeed, if you have one.

Lancelot...

Are you proposing to me?

Well, I'm not lecturing to
the Royal College of Surgeons

ut, erm...

Do you love me, Porker?

Passionately.

I love you deeply and sincerely.

And have the honour of asking you
to become my wife.

Well...

It's quite a compliment.

You accept, of course?

Oh, I appreciate it, but it's a big step.

You must give me time.

Damn it, woman It's marriage I'm offering you

You can't ask for time like somebody
who owes the landlord for last quarter's rent.

Aren't you fond of me?

Oh, I am, I am

I'll give you my answer when I'm more sure of it.

Iris Help I'm stuck

Oh

(oth groan)

Oh, no, it's no good. You're too heavy for me.
I'll get help.

Oooh Ow Oooh

Should I get a male nurse or a plumber?

Oooh Oooh Oooh

- Pig
- Sonja

And you do not come here again
You make me to be sick

- (Whistles)
SONJA: Get out of hnere you housy

rude pig

Get out!

(Sonja shouts angrily)

Oh, you...

Ow

Oh I'm sorry

I hit the wrong gentleman.

Don't mention it.

It's an easy thing to do.

Thank you.

er, excuse me.

- ave you come to see me?
- No.

I just came to collect some things
that I'd left here.

I didn't know that Delia - Miss Mallory - had...

Oh, yes, I have let her flat.

Come in.

Come in, please.

- You know Miss Mallory very much?
- Well, no.

She used to give me the odd shakedown
when I was in London on business.

Shakedown?

Oh, yes. You shake yourself down often?

- Not by myself.
- That's good.

That man...

all build-up, no shakedown.

Oh.

Do you want some nuts?

Nuts? No, thank you. No.

You should. Healthy.

Sit.

Thank you.

- Oh, you are bruised
- No, no. I am sure it's very...

- I will treat to it.
- You whnat?

I will treat to it.

There's no necessity, I promise you.

ut I am a masseuse, you know.
Take off the garments and I will massage you.

If you don't mind,
I'd rather keep them where they are.

I am strong. Feel.

It's wonderful.

And this.

Terrific.

Could I have a glass of water, please?

Yes. Water is purging.

I'll fetch it.

(Door buzzer)

I left some things here.

Funny, so did I.

er... Can I give you a hand?

Oh, thank you very much.
It's very kind of you.

- There we are.
- Thank you.

- Is that heavy?
- (Laughs) Just a bit.

(Crashing)

Some men, I don't think...

Do you think?

- I think you're some woman.
- I am liking you, too.

- (Chuckles)
- You are skinny but have the lovable, no?

Well, erm...

- You do not think I have the lovable?
- Oh, yes, you have the lovable.

And you're not skinny, either.

- And now I massage your bruise.
- My what?

Your bruise. You take off the trouserings.

The trouserings are perfectly all right
where they are, thank you very much.

So english ut where I come from,
we all take off the trouserings.

Right. You start.

Yes.

- Good evening, Sister.
- Oh, good evening, Dr Sparrow.

She's pulling round.

- Have you heard today's results?
- Yes.

Have you ever had an operation?

Not a big one. Just an impacted wisdom tooth.

I must get my teeth seen to.

After this, it's silly to be frightened of the dentist.

Frank can't stand women with false teeth.

- even old women.
- You're not old at all.

Was the operation all right?

Yes. The operation was fine.

- You said it would be.
- did h?

You can't always believe what doctors tell you.

Mary, I'm not a doctor yet.

As good as.

I believe you, anyway.

do you warnt arnothner drirnk?

I'm going to get quite well, aren't I?

DR SPARROW: Withnout questiorn

Quite well.

ut I'm afraid you're going to have
a whacking great scar.

- Oh, I don't mind that.
- Wehh it worn't shnow

y the time you're a granny,
you'll forget you ever had it.

h thnirnk it's time you wernt to sheep rnow

I'll get Sister to give you an injection.
You won't mind that, will you?

- It's not easy but we have to do it always.
- ut, sir...

- There's no "but" about it.
- Sir, I couldn't tell her.

- ecause all the time I knew for certain.
- Do you?

You don't know anything for certain. Nor do I.
Nor does anybody.

- How can there be any doubt?
- There's always doubt.

We could be wrong about what we found today.
We could be right.

ut tomorrow there might be a discovery
which could save her.

In six months' time,
she could be run over by a bus.

In a year's time we could be blown up.

In two years' time
you couhd be a very good doctor.

ut we can't be certain about anything.

- Get it?
- Yes, sir.

Well, remember it.

Aah My little Simon

Come in.

- You are well?
- Yes.

Good. Strong?

- (Coughs) Yes.
- That's good.

- What is that you bring?
- This I bring is a bottle.

Oh, I see.

- Alcohol?
- It has alcohol in it.

You know, of this I do not approve.
It's weakening.

It's supposed to be a tonic, taken in moderation.

With me you do not need the tonic.

- Ah.
- Ah. There are two points of view on that.

- Oh
- (Laughs)

There. We have the grapefruiting juice.

You've set for three.

Oh, yes, yes. I did not tell.

It is my sister, Helga. She is visiting with me.

Is she like you?

Yes, we are twin sets. ut we are very close.
We share everything together.

- What?
- ut you will like her.

She is strong like me.

At home she teaches the physical culturings.

And she will like you.

Yes, she will like you, too.

Have you got any more sisters?

Oh, yes

At home, llse... Ilse is the baby.

- She is a police cons-tabhe
- A what?

Po co co tab

(Laughs) How delightful.

(Door buzzer)

Mm That will be Helga.

Let her in, please. I will get the grapefruit juicing.

(He sighs)

Ah... You are the sparrow.

- er, yes.
- Sonja tells me about you.

She says you have a lovable. Have you?

(Laughs nervously) Apparently, yes.

- We will see later, no?
- Yes.

Helga I am here

Good. I have the hunger.

(Phone rings)

- Are you liking my sister?
- She is charming.

She is liking you, too.
We have the agreeable evening, yes?

Yes, please?

llse

Whnere are you? hrn Lorndorn?

Come round at once Helga

hs hitthe hhse!

llse

(They talk in Swedish)

(Sighs)

(Cheers) Simon It's llse She is coming

(Helga talk s in Swedish)

Simon?

W-What's wrong with the english?

We want to see
some engagement rings, please.

No oo oxo o oo o, S o

Congratulations, sir.
I am sure we can tempt Father's generosity.

Don't be impertinent
I'm not his father and the ring's for me

A perfectly natural mistake, Lancelot.

Ah, I understand.
May I get the size of your finger, please?

You'll get my hand across your face if you don't
hurry up and show me some diamonds.

When are you going to give it to Iris?

- Tomorrow.
- No regrets?

Oh, in for a penny, in for a pound.

I shouldn't have got this far
if it hadn't been for your help.

Well, after this, you can help me.
I'm going to a flat to pick up some things.

- If I can be of any assistance.
- I need protection.

The flat is guarded by three man-eating females.

Oh, it's you.

Did you forget something?

I just dropped by to pick up
some of the things I left behind.

er, Sonja, this is Sir Lancelot Spratt.
Miss Stromberg.

How are you doing?

Come in, please.

- Have you any sisters about?
- No, they have gone home.

- Oh, what a shame.
- Him you have met.

It is now my fiance.

There seems to be an epidemic.

You are a friend of Simon's?

- Yes.
- Sit.

You are old. That's good.

Simon needs the company of wise old men.

He smokes and drink s himself too much.
This is not good.

h used to tehh hnim whnern we were
shnakirng oursehves dowrn togethner

Indeed?

She is a remarkable woman.

She's a masseuse.

Phnysi-o-thnerapy

We masseuses are strong. Strong in arm,

- strorng irn mirnd rno?
- Madam.

And he is strong, too.

ut not like me.

After we married, he leads a new life.
I change everything.

is ideas hnis hnabits - everythnirng!

That is what women do.

Otherwise they are losing their personalities.

- You are married?
- Not yet.

If you were married, your wife would make you
do exercise every day for your big stomaching.

It's too big

You should eat nuts, not meat.

For him, no meat, never.

Nuts make virility.

Thnat h demarnd

Thank you, no.

Thank you, yes

SONJA: You wihh rnot marry yoursehf rnow

You wouhd rnot hike chnarnge

And change you would have.

All women do it.

Not all men are liking it.

Madam, I'm inclined to agree with you.

It's no use, Simon.
I've been thrashing it out all night.

You can't chuck everything up,
after all the help I've given you.

I know. I'm awfully grateful, but...

Well... Here, you take that.

You probably know somebody who'd like it.

Oh, good morning.

Good morning.
I want to have a word with you, if I may.

I'm afraid I'm busy, Lancelot.

- He can wait, can't he?
- What do you mean?

Hey, now, look here, old chap.

I'm having my treatment
You can't push me around like this

That's just exactly what I can.

Help, somebody Help, Sister Nurse

Hey, hey Sergeant Major

Dr Sparrow, stop this damn thing

- Where's the fire?
- Get me back in there

And what impertinence. Refusing me?

Well, you see, I love somebody else.

Might one enquire the name
of this whippersnapper?

- Him.
- Simon?

- What?
- No rno

Him.

You snake in the grass

y Jericho, sir, if I had the use of my legs, I'd...

Somebody stop this ruddy thing

Hey Get out of the way

(Nurse screams)

Let me get at him

ut he needs me, Porker. He loves me.

- ut it's not allowed. Not with a patient.
- It is if you marry them.

Let me rnear thne vihhairn!

- Major French.
- Hm?

You're walking.

What?

Good grief.

Whoa...

Tommy I knew your legs would get better
What a marvellous surprise

Well, there's plenty more where that came from

(Dog bark s)

Dr Sparrow... you're wanted, sir, urgently.

excuse me.

Well, I don't know what to say
on these occasions, but I know what to do.

Yes, well, th-th-that's plenty, sir.

- What kind of a case is it?
- I haven't seen anything quite like it, sir.

- You mean three heads.
- No, poodles.

- Poodles?
- Yes, sir. Pink.

Have you been at the ether?

Delia.

Ciao, caro

Ciao. What happened?

- Didn't you get the part?
- No, I just got most of the presents.

So I can see.

All right. (Clears throat)

What are you doing here?

- I've come to get my latchkey. Have you got it?
- Yes, I have.

And I think I'm going to keep it.

- What are you doing?
- Well, as a matter of fact,

I'm waiting for you to drive me up to London,

because by a fabulous coincidence,
I've got the evening off.