All language subtitles for rel.s01e05.Halloween.eng

Hello, family. Look, y'all, tonight

is a very special episode
of the Rel show.

Oh, if you don't know,
I'm Lil Rel Howery,

star of the Rel show.

And tonight we got a special
Halloween episode for you.

As you know, I'm on Sunday
nights with all these cartoons,

and they do all these
amazing Halloween episodes.

So tonight, we decided to do
our very own Halloween episode.

That's right. It's gonna be crazy.

I mean, it's a good chance
it might end my career,

but... shibbity
dobos, it is what it is.

So, enjoy.

All right, look, look,
I'm really excited about this.

I heard this movie is
the best black Halloween movie

since Blacula. I mean,

the bar is set pretty low,
but it's supposed to be great.

Yeah, critics are calling this

the feel-woke movie of the year.

Look, y'all, I'm excited,
but it is a lot of hype.

Okay, come on now.

This is a young, black filmmaker

and he made the wokest movie
of the year.

The hype is justified.

Look, I'm just saying
I don't like too much hype.

I been overhyped before.

Listen, we got to support
all things black, all right?

I love everything black.

My favorite fish? Blackened.

My favorite horse? Black Beauty.

My favorite white actor? Jack Black.

And see, Dad, that's what
I'm talking about.

That is why we got to support
what this moment is.

This is black excellence at its best.

Look what I did, right?
I got the blackest snacks

you could think of to celebrate that.

Look, I even got black licorice.

I mean, even though it's disgusting...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...still black.

Black is beautiful.

But this still nasty.

But look, let's get to this movie.

Dear diary,
it is I, Frederick Douglass.

Just when I thought this world
was as evil as it could be,

it has once again proven
that its depravity

far exceeds my wildest expectations.

With abolitionists afoot in the South,

the southern plantation owners

begin to fear life without slavery.

Oh, God. Another slave movie.

Oh, Brittany, calm down.

You know Kanye said
slavery was a choice.

They made that choice so we have
great movies like this.

Look, Brittany, slavery is emotional.

You know what I mean?

They are stories of-of triumph
over adversity.

Yeah, and it ain't just slavery,
either. Know what I'm saying?

We do have great segregation films

and amazing jail movies.

Oh!

There's only one thing

I know for certain:

all humans are created equal,

but all zombies deserve to die.

Damn.

All right, all right,
I ain't see that coming.

I always thought that
you can improve any movie

by adding zombies.

You know something, that's
a great point, little brother.

I mean if Snakes on a Plane
was Zombies on a Plane,

man, Samuel L. Jackson
would've got an Oscar, man.

Fearing slavery would cease to exist,

the Southern states attempted
to create a free labor force

of the undead, but the South
did not realize that zombies

could not be controlled.

They have now overrun our nation

and I'm traveling
to the one safe place

left in this country,

a land so green, so peaceful,

with rivers of milk and honey:

the West Side of Chicago.

Oh, oh, okay, man. Now he
trying to go to the crib, too.

Okay.

Yeah, finally Chicago being
represented in a positive light.

All right, look, I was wrong.

He repping the city,
he killing zombies,

I can't even be mad at him.

Look, Chicago ain't look
this cool since Cooley High.

And, look, did y'all catch
the symbolism, too?

Like, look, the pen
turns into a dagger.

It just symbolizes
how strong words are.

I'm woke.

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Oh, no!

Frederick, don't go out that door!

Oh, nothing good
rustles in bushes. Man.

Reveal yourselves as humans

or I'll kill you
as the undead creatures you are

Who are you?

Harriet. Harriet Tubman.

Oh, they got my girl Harriet
in this movie?

That's what I'm talking about.
Black girl magic.

The greatest conductor
of the Underground Railroad.

Some folk call me Moses. Who are you?

I'm Frederick.

Frederick Douglass.

Ms. Tubman, your...

your name precedes you.

I've always looked
forward to look you...

look you in your eyes.

Oh, my God. You are way,
way more beautiful

than I could have ever imagined.

You're not so bad yourself.

It was love at first sight.

All right,

what the hell is this?

Oh, come on, Brittany, don't start.

Don't start what?
They sexualizing Harriet Tubman.

So I'm-a start, Rel.

Look, I know I said support
all things black,

but I'm kind of uncomfortable

sitting here watching
this sex scene with my kids,

especially between
two historical black figures.

That's nasty, man.

Hold on, okay?

Do y'all hear how unwoke y'all sound?

Look, Brittany,
you act like Harriet Tubman

can't be a sex symbol.

Okay? She freed a bunch of people.

I tell you, the sexiest thing
a woman can do for me

if I was a slave is free me.

And Frederick Douglass, guys...

one of the smartest black men
of all time.

Taught himself how to read and write.

I don't know how you do that,

but hey, that's besides the point.

It's progressive.

Exactly. Woke.

Listen, I'm all for Harriet
being sexually empowered,

but that scene was disgusting, Rel.

Okay, look, it's
cinematic license, right?

Tarantino killed Hitler
in a movie theater.

Look, in Moonlight,

you got three different people
playing the same guy

and none of 'em look alike.

Robert Downey Jr. played blackface

and almost got a BET Award.

Come on, y'all, let's just see
where this goes.

Yo, I-I did like Tropic Thunder.

You win.

Okay. See?

Now back to the lovemaking.

The only other thing
that has brought me more joy

is freedom.

Same.

Mmm.

Ms. Tubman, you season
one fine squirrel.

Well, I just followed
the directions on the box.

So, uh...

the children, are they, uh...?

Oh, they're not mine,
if that's what you're asking.

See, she was given to me
by her mother,

who was bit by a zombie, and I
promised to protect the girl.

Then she brutally murdered
my mother in front of me,

but we're cool.

What about the boy?

I don't know. He doesn't speak.

I found him in an abandoned
bush near Wichita.

So, amid all this turmoil,

where is your destination?

The West Side of Chicago.

That's mine, too.

- Really?
- Oh, yes,

the West Side of Chicago.

Oh, I hear it's like heaven on Earth.

They got pastoral landscapes

and fertile soil...

and zero zombie violence.

Well, I'd love to go there with you.

It seems as fate
has brought us together.

Before we travel, there's something

you must know about me.

I sometimes suffer
from fainting spells.

Good to know.

When you're with me, you'll
always feel protected.

Now, that's some odd behavior
for a zombie.

That's odd behavior
for a zombie, right?

Told you.

Yeah. Let's check it out.

Kids, stay close.

Thank you for joining me this evening.

I know you think we have nothing
in common, but like you,

I was lost in the wilderness,

trying to feed my soul.

Before you try to eat me,
I want you to think.

Think about who you are.

'Cause you can, you know.

You have a brain.

My zombie brothers and sisters,

I am... Malcolm X.

Just when I thought this movie
couldn't get better, it does.

Black excellence.

I totally changed my life,
and you can do the same thing.

Okay, I'm really doing my best,

but what the hell is Malcolm X
doing in 1855?

You can't just remix history.

Why can't you, Brittany?

Look, open your mind.

What if the filmmaker's trying to say

that the struggle transcends time?

Come on, now.

Malcolm X looking good.

Okay, I just want to point out
99% of these great reviews

are written by white people.

I don't trust white people
reviewing black stuff.

I mean, the simple,
unfortunate reality is

most critics are white.

But there's nothing we can do
about that but to stay woke.

- Boy, if you say "woke" one more time...
- O-Okay, hey, hey.

Look at yourselves.

I know you're dead,

but there's no reason to walk
around looking like this.

Just because you're ghostly

doesn't mean you have to be ghastly.

Walking around with clothes

all torn and tattered.
Look at you, sister.

Have some pride in yourself.

I press upon you

to unify, to reform yourself, morally.

You got to quit getting drunk.
You got to quit doing drugs.

You got to quit fornicating
and doing adultery,

if there is a thing like zombie sex.

Stop it.

We are not your enemy.

Look, I love hearing Malcolm X speak,

but what is he even saying?

Zombies don't drink, take drugs,

or have sex. And then, hold up...

are the zombies black or white?
Like, who's the enemy?

Okay, maybe what he's trying to say is

that when you become the undead,
there is no race.

You know, like,
racism is man-made anyway,

and it's used to control people.

So he's using zombies

to teach us about humanity.

Oh, that's deep.

Why do you eat the black man?

Look, your body's already torn up.

Black men are full of sodium
and pork and sugar.

You know what that does
to a zombie body?

You're already falling apart.

I implore upon you to wake up
and join us in the fight.

Do not eat us. Eat the enemy,

by any means necessary.

Why? I had them.
They were about to change.

Sorry, brother zombie.

Had to hit him with my
Malcolm X-ray glasses.

God.

Malcolm X is the original X-Man.

No!

No!

That boy is the truth.

Oh, my God. Yo, the zombie just died

from biting the kid.
Yo, he's zombie poison.

Malcolm's right,
that boy is the truth.

Look, we didn't land on this moment,

this moment landed on us.

It's imperative that we take
that boy to see a scientist.

I'm not trusting some crazed
scientist with this boy's life.

We don't even know you.

Crazed scientist.

Give me your jelly sandwiches.

When will black folks learn
to trust one another?

Mmm. Oh, my God.

This sandwich is now
perfectly balanced.

I don't know what this

very strange but tasteful
concoction is. What is it?

He calls it "peanut butter."

Now, if George Washington Carver

can do that with a peanut,

think what he can do
with this mute boy.

See, that's what I'm talking
about. It's about time

they gave George Washington
Carver his due as a scientist.

Most of the time he gets reduced
to facts about peanuts

during Black History Month.

My brother and sister,
I know it's been a long trip.

It's a long and hard road
to George Washington Carver,

and we have to be prepared.

This store sells
a camouflage of sorts,

a purple haze that will momentarily

repel a zombie.

Skrrrt, skrrt!

- He's turned
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relax, shorty.

I'm not a zombie,
I just move a little slow,

you know what I'm saying?
I'm Offset from the Migos.

Hippy hop, hippy hip.

And you know I got a hip. Hey.

People want it on the tip. Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Dad, what are you doing?
What happened?

Man, this is ridiculous.
Where's Martin Luther King?

He's the only black man
with his own holiday.

I mean, where's Nat Turner?

And this dude comes up
with, like, what...

- Offtrack, Offbeat, Offswitch, Dipswitch...
- Dad, Dad, Dad,

Dad, it's called Offset.
His name is Offset.

We ain't watching this anymore.

Look Dad the movie is almost over.

You said we're gonna support
everything black, all right?

Let's just finish this
movie as a family.

Yeah, it's okay,

Dad. Look, becoming woke
is a process, okay?

We need repellant to get
to George Washington Carver.

Oh. You talking
about my special stuff?

Yeah, I guess I could swing that,

considering you run with this...

pretty, thick...

...grown little mama,

- you know what I'm saying?
- Okay, okay, young man, uh,

this is my woman you're talking about.

I am no man's woman.

The whole point of my life's work

is that no one owns me.

All right, we'll figure out
who she belongs to later.

The main thing is get this boy
to George Washington Carver.

This boy is immune to the virus,
but we have no money.

Man, how I know y'all
ain't just hustling me,

you know what I'm saying,
for my my repellant?

Young man, we're not
hustling you, okay?

We can prove it.
All we need is a zombie.

Hey, how's my mutey pie?

Go on, let that man bite you.

Come on. Come on.

Aw, y'all are some sick-ass folk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What...

What am I doing
making this repellant when y'all

about to make
a killing on this vaccine?

Forget all that. Hey, look.
I'm coming with y'all.

Wait a minute.

I think I'm having one of my fai...

- What happened?
- What? Harry?

Don't worry about it.
That's what she do.

She'll be okay.

She'll wake up in a few hours
good as new.

Just gonna leave her on the floor?

Aah!

No!

Damn. So what's Harriet
gonna do now, man?

She just got bit.

If I got bit I wouldn't tell y'all.

No, I wouldn't.

I would just walk up on you and smile,

like I'm about to give you
a loving hug...

- Dead.
- Wait, wait.

So you'll kill both your sons?

And Brittany, too.
Yeah, b-because I love y'all.

I want to keep the family together.

I'm not gonna be that
stereotypical, undead black man

who leaves his kids.

Okay, Hope you slept well.

We got a long journey to go.

Frederick,

I want you to know I love you,

but you have to go without me.

Wait, are you trying
to break up with me?

I get it, I'm a, I'm a great orator

and most women find out,
they get all intimidated

'cause, "Oh, man,
you speak everywhere.

People love talking to you.
You know, you..."

Stop talking.

I can't go with you
because I've been bitten.

Oh, God, zombie!

Damn.

Ay, okay.

Okay, maybe the filmmaker's
trying to say

that the NRA is trying to...

Look, I got nothing, man.
I got nothing.

Okay, this whole entire time
I've been, trying to be positive

about this movie, but it's
freaking terrible, all right?

What's so woke about shooting
Harriet Tubman like that?

And has anyone noticed
the misogyny at all?

A lady zombie bit Harriet,
and then they shot her.

And all the men still alive.

If liking this movie
is what's being woke,

then I'm-a go right back to sleep.

Look, I'm all for
supporting black art,

but this is what happens

when you give the wrong
black people money.

Okay, look,

I don't care what the critics say,

this movie is insane.

But-but when you think about it.

Look, aren't y'all tired
of all black mainstream movies

having to be important?

I mean, this movie
is not important at all.

It is weird and it's pointless.
And white people get to make

weird and pointless movies
all the time.

So, just maybe,
this movie being made...

is progress.

Black mediocrity.

That's right.

You know something, look, guys,
what we need to do...

we need to go out in these streets

and let everybody know
this movie is great

before white people find out
that we think it sucks.

Absolutely.

Yup, already tweeted I loved it.

- And I re-tweeted you.
- Saw that.

See, that's what I'm
talking about. Great work.

All right, let's...
now let's finish this garbage.

Voilà. The vaccine.

What about the boy? Will he be okay?

Of course he will.

I've been feeding him homegrown,
organic, sweet potatoes.

He'll be talking in five seconds.

Five, four,

three, two...

H-Hi.

Wait a minute.

Y-Young man, um...

what is your name?

Barack Obama.

Wow.

Oh, man.

See, that's how you make
a great movie right there.

You-you take people on a ride
and you confuse them,

and then at the end,
you have this amazing moment.

- Want to watch it again?
- Hell no.

You can't have Harriet Tubman
getting nasty on the other side.

- Damn.
- Damn it!

The gods don't want us
to speak about Harriet.

Like, zombies don't drink, have sex,

or take drugs.

Drink much?

He called it "peanut butter."

Now, if George Washington Carver
can do that with a peanut,

think what he can do with
that mute boy right there.

Y'all see what he does
with celery sticks.

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